The Holyween Salamander Spook Alley Party

The Salamander Society joined your favorite GA's (Goblin Authorities) and other especial spirits and spooks at this year's Happy Valley Holyween bash. We even had to sell a few of our "signs and tokens" in order to pass through the entrance veil. The theme for this priesthood powered party was inspired by the Deseret Book Store best seller - "Salamander - The Story of the Mormon Forgery Murders."

Your comments are welcome at the bottom of this page.

Top 10 Costumes Guaranteed to Get You Thrown Out of the Trunker-Treat

10/31/2006 - by Primus

What better time of year to show off your creative and original spirit then by wearing a unique costume this year to the local ward Trunker-Treat? However if you want to enjoy the donuts and the coffee and not be kicked out, I suggest you avoid these costumes...

10. Bring-um Young - Based on Brigham Young, this costume involves 3 people...a guy dressed as Brigham Young in the Middle and 2 females, one on each arm.

9. Cricket Halfway Gulped by Seagull - What better way to celebrate your pioneer heritage then to have a display of a seagull gorging themselves on a cricket. Sure to make lots of people vomit.

8.Blood Atonement- Come as a headless person. When someone asks what you are, state that you are someone who had their blood atoned. Carry a copy of your lopped off head in one of your arms. Also makes a great costume for Shiz who had his head partially lopped off in BOM by Coriantum.

7. Come in your temple get out. Cap/Sash/Girdle, etc.

6. Woman Keep Silence in the Church - For the Ladies. Stick tape over mouth. You could also place a mans boot on your back showing that you are being stepped on and oppressed.

5. Of More Worth than My Wife - Come as a cow with this sign on it. Or you could do a 'ten cow wife' thing from Johnny Lingo.

4. The Word of Wisdom - Come dressed as coffee or beer or Tobacco with a Large Hammer Smashing it.

3. An Angel With A Flaming Sword - Run around commanding all the men to take extra wives or face your sword of wrath.

2. Jesus Christ on The Cross - Make sure you look as bloody as that guy on Passion of the Christ

1. A Penis or a Boob.

10. Go as a Big Bottle of Consecrated Olive Oil. Nothing says "I'm a Mormon" like having a 32oz. bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil around the house with the word "Consecrated" written across it in big black marker.

9. Go as The Holy Ghost. This one is easier to pull off than you think. All you need is a large white sheet and a pair of scissors. 20-30 holes should do the trick.

8. Go as Shiz or Laban. Either way, you're a headless Israelite living in America. To accesorize, be sure to carry a bottle of wine with you as Laban. For Shiz, go around gasping for air even though your head is already off.

7. Go as a Carthage Mob Member. This is sure to get your bishops attention. Simply paint your face black and carry a musket with you while muttering "Ole Joe's gonna get it".

6. Go as a Lamanite. But Simeon, I'm caucasian. No need to worry, we've got you covered. You can either go as Zelph the White Lamanite or just tell people you've repented and turned whitesome and delightsome.

5. Go as a Handcart Pioneer Zombie. The best part about this costume is that you won't get tired from carrying all that candy while trick or treating. Your handcart will come in handy for transporting your goods. Just be sure not to trick or treat in the snow.

4. Go as Ammon. This is a great option for those kids out there that want to carry a sword. Splash some fake blood all over them, give them a bag of arms and they're good to go. He was so righteous! Good thing he had a steel sword, otherwise chopping off all of those arms would have been tough.

3. Go as President Hinckley. Put on your Sunday best and break out the walking stick. This one is great if you're on a budget. This costume is all about how you carry yourself and what you say. You can only say three phrases through the night when dressed up as the Hinckster: "I don't know" . . . "I don't know" . . . "I don't know".

2. Go as an Ordinance Worker. This costume works on many levels. If you can get your hands on an all white get up and name tag, you'll be on your way. After saying trick or treat be sure to point to the candy and ask,"What is that" . . . "Has it a name" . . ."Will you give it to me".

1. Go as good ole' Joe Smith. There are so many incarnations of this guy that the options are limitless. You can pick from: Leg Surgery Joe, Head in a Hat Joe, Drunken Joe, Treasure Seeking Joe, Prisoner Joe, Nauvoo Legion Joe, Polygamous Joe, Martyrdom Joe, Presidential Nominee Joe, King of the World Joe . . .

(click image to review/purchase book)

The big party was proudly sponsored by the technology company serving as the backbone of the Morg's world wide communication and public relations systems.

This years bash proved to be much more liberated and uninhibited due the majority vote taken by last year's partiers which for "time and all eternity" excluded that still-small pesky member of the Godhead.

Anyone not in compliance with the standards, rules, policies, guidelines, directive and instructions of this party was immediately under the power of the Strengthening the Members Committee, the Brethren in Black and Darth Packer.

	LDS Pumpkin Patterns Jackolantern-Mormons - www.pumpkinglow.com/LDSbook.htm - Be Peculiar this Halloween Carve what you feel, display what you believe.
Entertainment was provided by the new and everlasting Mormon gero-pop rock-o-salvation group "The Standards" performing their squash smashing hit, "Gourdhead B Hinckley - Punkinhead Prophet".

Highlights of the spook alley and party were broadcast to LDS Stake Centers around the world by The Three Witness News team. LDS parents are commanded to gather at their meeting houses at Halloween for "Trunk or Treat" where kids go from car trunk to car trunk in the parking lot rather than act like normal people in communities going door to door among their neighbors.

Dallin Cloaks (Phantom of the Tabernacle) and Sheri Dew (Bride of Elder Frankenstein) co-hosted the Brethren's Bash. Cloaks is a lawyer and apostle who specializes in "lying for the Lord" while Dew currently swerves as the CEO of Desperate Books. Dew previous swerved as 2nd Counselor in the General Disbelief Society Presidency.

	Sailing his way to the party aboard his luxurious yacht on the Great Salt Lake, the prophet unwittingly attracted a flock of the Utah State birds after they mistook his squeeky laughter as the mating call of the Mormon Cricket.
After changing out of his poop stained suit into a lighter colored suit that doesn't show the seagull droppings so much President Hinckley brought the party to a stand still while striking an "Alfred Hitchcock and the Birds" pose.

President Spencer Yoda Kimball - Getting "hie" unto Kolob offered his newly discovered "toke"-ens to all. He desires all to receive them. Please arise.

Mormon Zombies were awakening and arising at the midnight hour. Their chorus was "I will drink to that through the veil. Sell my tokens? Hell, I'll give them away!"

KSL-TV joined forces with FOX-TV in the creation of a new "un-reality" show "The Kolob Zone. Ratings skyrocketed Monday evenings in Utah but tanked otherwise. The show was excommunicated cancelled and replaced by General Conference Re-Runs.

Count Dracula's response when first informed of the Mormon practice of Blood Atonement by Elder Jack Kervorkian. (Belly Laugh) "When will the Brethren send sister missionaries to the Transylvania Mission?"

Elder Jack Kevorkian stopped by on his way to a special Young Men and Young Women's fireside in the BYU Marryalot Center. His topic was to be "Youth In Asia" - How missionaries can introduce the doctrine of blood atonement in China. Elder Kevorkian was bragging about how his talk "The Resurrection - Get In Line Now!" at General Conference was such a hit.

The pre-dusk warm up party commenced at the famous Gilgal Gardens in Salt Lake City directly in front of that sacred monument to that prophet of yore who practiced magic regularly. It looked like all that Reformed Egyptian finally got to him.

As momentum gathered and the "light mindedness and loud laughter" reached unsafe decible levels the party entered a secret passage way to the Salt Lake Temple underneath the tomb of still another famous Mormon prophet.

While in the tunnel to the Temple of Gloom guests passed through The Jaws of Hell, the worlds most vile and "soul snatching" spook alley. They were forced to view or participate in the following gloriously gruesome exhibits. LDS Church spokesman and tour guide Don Lefemme reveals his secret for double speaking and lying for the Lord.

Many partiers were unaware of Nibley's recent demise. Several people fainted when Nibley actually started rambling on about The Pearl of Great Price as they passed by his coffin. Display courtesy of FARMS at BYU

	As the clock struck midnight Boyd Packer waxed eloquent in his debut role as "Acting" president of Quorum of the Twelve Apoopholes. People were just blown away by the power of his testimonkey.
One faithful Packerite's bosom burned so brightly that she secumbed to a fatal case of "spontaneous combustion". Tragically, her temple garments only protect from burns, bullets and motor vehicle accidents from the "outside in" rather than the "inside out."

Thanks to Spencer Kimball, trick-or-treaters of all colors and cursed backgrounds may enter through the haunted veil. President Monson showed off his sword of Ammon skills by smiting off the arms of Temple Square protester, Ed Decker. Decker repented so Monson organized the local Deacons to mow Decker's lawn and paint his house. Monson personally went the extra mile by planting a small vegetable garden in Ed's back yard. Sister Monson sewed quilts for Ed's 15 children because Mrs. Decker recently died of jaundice after her fifth liver transplant failed. President Monson will share more details of this bosom burning story the next General Conference.

Elder Frank N. Stein recovers after passing out during his first "Washing and Annointing" experience in the local LDS McTemple. A over-friendly temple worker had inadvertently annointed more than his loins and sinews with desecrated olive oil.

Trick-or-treaters where shocked when they peeked at the mummified and petrified priesthood organ of Joseph Smith by which standard all current General Authorities are measured.

This temple worker suffered a near terminal attack of "The Gift of Tongues" after speaking for a week non-stop in Re-formed Egyptian. This most traumatic event seemed to be triggered after a special session in the Provo Temple for FARMS staff who went into rapture when Hugh Nibley assisted all of them at the veil upon the five mute-points of fellowship.

Once inside The Temple of Doom the newest and yet to be released "Temple Endowment Movie" was screened for the party goers. Any party goers not still in shock were presented at the veil, ushered into the Holy of Groly's to witness Gordon B Wrinkly perform his prophetic duties by use of his urim and thummum to predict which piece of down town real estate to purchase next.

Elder Packer's invitations to non-Mormons to join him in the temple hot tub sitting atop twelve oxen met with resistance. Party people suspected Packer's veiled ploy to baptize them for the dead.

We were also cursed with the exceedingly sore curse of obedience to the Church Administration Building gargoyles.

Elder Packer was anxious to administer the washing and annointing to lovely young couple.

Every day is Halloween around Temple Square. Inside the temple they dress up like the Pillsbury Doe Boy.

Giving endowments to a great many proves their overthrow, through revealing things to them which they cannot keep. They are not worthy to receive them. Brother Heber takes the lead in giving endowments, and you may ask, "Why do you give such folks their endowments?" To qualify them to be devils, if they wish to be. The plan of salvation is calculated to make devils as well as Saints; for by and by we shall need some to serve as devils; and it takes almost as much knowledge to make a complete devil as it does to fit a man to go into the Celestial Kingdom of God, and become an heir to His kingdom. We want to complete the education of a number of such fellows;" (JD Vol.4, p.372, Brigham Young, June 28, 1857)

Brother [Jedediah] Grant's body which lies here is useless, is good for nothing until it is resurrected, and merely needs a place in which to rest; his spirit has not fled beyond the sun. There are millions and millions of spirits in these valleys, both good and evil. We are surrounded with more evil spirits than good ones, because more wicked than good men have died here; for instance, thousands and thousands of wicked Lamanites have laid their bodies in these valleys. The spirits of the just and the unjust are here. J.D. 4:133; December 4, 1856; Salt Lake Tabernacle; Pres. Brigham Young.

The atmosphere of many parts of these mountains is doubtless the abode of the spirits of Gadianton robbers, whose spirits are as wicked as hell, and who would kill Jesus Christ if they had the power. J.D. 11:84; February 19, 1865, Sunday; Centerville, Utah; Heber C. Kimball.

The spirits of the ancient Gadiantons are around us. You may see battlefield after battlefield, scattered over this American continent where the wicked have slain the wicked. J.D. 12:128; December 29, 1867; Salt Lake Tabernacle; Pres. Brigham Young.

Upon one occasion President Brigham Young was in the Tabernacle at St. George and was speaking on the spirit world. He stated that it was not far from us and if the veil could be taken from our eyes there wouldn't be either a man, woman or child who would dare go out of "this tabernacle as the spirits of the Gadianton robbers were so thick out there. This is where they lived, in these mountains", said he. Temples of the Most High, p. 81; 1962 ed., 13th printing; Heber Jarvis.

Some time ago I attended a fireside that featured a temple worker. I became fascinated with his talk because he spoke of spirits being present in the temple, and not just a few. He told a number of stories about spirits making their presence known in the temple. He said the spirits of deceased individuals who are having their work done are invited to attend at the time of the ordinances and many do. After thinking about this an idea hit me. Let’s have a Halloween party at the temple. The flyer could include the following:

Official Halloween Party

Place: Temple of your choice Date: October 31, 2007 Time: Every half hour throughout the day. You are asked to attend as many times as possible

Costumes: You choose the costume. If you don’t have one, a green and white one will be provided. Those dressed as vampires will be able to officiate in the blood atonement ritual. First timers will be provided with a temporary ghost costume with slits up the sides. No underwear is to be worn under these.

Activities: Blood Atonement, spiritual wife swapping (you might not go home with the one you came with), bobbing for apples in the font, naked touching (for first timers).

Age: Females must be at least 14 to participate in the spiritual wife swapping.

Who may attend: Everyone is invited. Don’t worry if you don’t have a partner. Men can take home more than one wife.

Refreshments: Served in the cafeteria

Admission: 1 recommend per person or 10% of your gross at the door.

Give your temple clothes to your kids to use as a Halloween costume - LOL!

>Knock, Knock - TRICK OR TREAT?

Hello, what are you young kid?

I'm a temple worker - can I shake your hand?

>What is that?

The first token of lies and deception.

Has it a name?

Yes.

can you give it to me?

Seer stones in hat; Book of breathings on Payrus; Stolen Masonry ceremonies and symbols; Blood-atonement and ADAM-GOD theory; Wives unlimited in Celestial Kingdom. (any others???)

You may enter the candy bowl and get your celestial candy.

love the whole site, but the picture of the guy with the exploded face is horrid. Please, please, please get a warning on the page for those of us who weren't expecting that. More nudity is fine though ;)--- Kristoffer - 11/16/2007 - Kristoffer

This is the most horrible website I have ever come a crossed... You guys do not understand one thing about the Mormon church and it is very wrong of you jerks to deceive people about the only true church upon the earth today. I just have one more thing to say to you...GET A LIFE! and stop making fun of other peoples! - 10/21/2007 - S

I can't belive this. I recently heard these Mormon authorities speak and they spoke of nothing but topics about how to improve all of our lives. To mock these men who teach the Mormon community how to be better people is absolutely terrible. If these men were half as bad as this website portrays them to be, why don't they put together websites like this that mock other individuals? I personally have heard only good teachings from these great men. This mockery is disgusting and not of God. Does anybody here think that Christ would put together a website like this? - 10/09/2007 - DL

Wish more people could stumble on your site,have a kid wrapped up in this crap - 10/01/2007 - No Name not religious - Maude Isle

Tell me what is sacred and special to you so that I might drag it all through the mud! - 10/01/2007 - anon

I really enjoyed this until I got to the photo of 'Shiz'. I don't think it is appropriate to use a fundamental islamic terrorist propaganda shot of a bound tortured and decapitated hostage in this context. Without this photo, it would be great. - 10/01/2007 - ummm

OMG! this is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I am a non-Mormon from Vancouver, Canada who just got fired from Franklin Covey (the ultimate LDS corporate cult). Reading your website has been so cathartic. Would love to connect with others who have been fired from Franklin Covey for rattling the status quo. - 09/30/2007 - Claudette

That was the best dose of "extremely irreverent"! Still laughing. - 11/02/2000 - anon

Excellent coverage of this histhorric event by the world-famous Salamander team! I am jealous I was not invited. I spent Halloween night passing out boxes of green Jello to the neighborhood little morglettes. - 11/02/2000 - Jerry the Aspousetate

OMG!!!! that made my day... you are the funniest Person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I almost peed my pants!

Thanks for making a shitty day better. - B - 11/01/2000

absolutely hilarious!! - Jan - 11-01-2000

OMG!!!!!that was THE BEST. I bookmarked that to show my daughter!!!!I ahve been out of the church for a few months & you just gave me the first laugh I have had in a long time!!!!!!.......ladyspirit_guide - Cathy - 11/01/2000