Latter Day Lampoon eMagazine

March 2002 Edition

The 2002 Mo-lympics

click on the above title for details

Sharing With Cheryl

Ask Bishop Boozem

Attendance - How many attend soul saving meetings/activities.

Best Testimony Contest

Bishop In The Bedroom

The Black Sheep Roster

Michael Vogt
, resigned October 24, 2000, Reason: Waiting for the one and only "TRUE" church to start telling the truth.

Boyd K Packer

An Especial Whitless of the Lord

Bruce R McConkie

Bumper Snickers

Church Security Forces - Latter-day Danites

Strengthening the Members Committee Confirmed

03/10/2002 - anon

Aug 8,1992 - Salt Lake Tribune reports that First Presidency’s spokesman has acknowledged existence of special “Strengthening the Members Committee” that keeps secret files on church members regarded as disloyal. Due to publicity on this matter, including New York Times, Presidency issues statement on 13 Aug. defending organization of this apostle-directed committee as consistent with God’s commandment to Joseph Smith to gather documentation about non-Mormons who mob and persecute LDS Church. Presidency lists Apostles James E. Faust and Russell M. Nelson as leading the committee. - Mormon Hierarchy - Extensions of Power - Appendix D titled "Mormon History Highlights" by D. Michael Quinn

Big Brethren Are Watching

03/07/2002 - by Sam

The following message may be of particular interest to at least one MIT subscriber, who (if he exists) must be a wonderful person in nearly every way but who suffers from at least one debilitating ethical flaw: He is afflicted with "consequentialism," a philosophical delusion in which one believes that the righteousness of one's ends sanctify the use of any means. In this case, the means in question are covert surveillance of doubting Mormons, and dutiful reporting of the expression of those doubts to Mormon authorities -- the sort of thing practiced by "Block Captains" in Cuba and Red China, as well as in Nazi Germany.

Last night, I missed an appointment with my Stake President (SP). The meeting, to be candid, wasn't a particular priority, and when I ran late at work and my evening schedule was upended, I tried to get a message to the SP that I'd have to reschedule. While I was at the "Y" for a long-overdue workout (which *was* a priority, not to mention a physiological necessity), the SP, who didn't get my message, called (wife) to ask why I hadn't shown up. I came home to a *very* upset (wife), who told me that the SP had called. She also shared the following very interesting news:

"President [--] told me that you'd been writing some things on the internet that were really bad."

In other words, 1) a TBM interloper on this list from our Stake has clicked his heels, said a hearty "Heil Hinckley!", and done what he believes is his duty, or 2) the Strengthening Church Members Committee (SCM) in Salt Lake, which exists to keep members under surveillance, has done the same thing. The SCM is just the latest among the world's notorious three-letter secret police agencies to get into the business of cyber-surveillance.

In recent weeks, it has been reported by both the British press and CNN that the KGB (now called the FSB in "post"-Soviet) Russia has been working for several years to penetrate the internet, so as to keep tabs on dissidents. Of course, Red China's secret police have been doing the same thing. The FBI, which -- tragically -- is becoming more like the security organs of Russia and China as it increases cooperation with them, has actively sought to acquire the means of decrypting private e-mail conversations. Given that every other authoritarian security organ in the world is trying to keep the internet under surveillance, it shouldn't surprise us that LDS authorities are doing so as well -- both through informants as well as through more sophisticated means.

Some of you are aware of the case reported on Eric K.'s "exmormon" site from a year ago, in which a now ex-Mormon from California was summoned into his Stake President's office and was confronted with a thick file -- print-outs of confidential e-mails between the young man and a correspondent in the Manti fundamentalist sect. (The man in question had no affinity for the polygamist off-shoot, but was merely asking questions.) His Stake President explained that the SCM had forwarded the file to him for disciplinary action. Understandably and properly outraged, the man immediately left the meeting and demanded that his name be removed from the Church's membership rolls shortly thereafter. His Stake President apparently saw nothing amiss in the fact that Church authorities had been reading that man's private mail; the disease of "consequentialism" appears to be a near-epidemic in some Mormon circles.

In order to obtain private e-mails, the SCM had to have employed a fairly sophisticated bit of cyber spycraft -- such as a "sniffer" program or a "trojan horse." (What little I know about this subject I learned at a counter-terrorism seminar in Chicago about a year ago, so don't ask for detailed explanations.;-)) There are in the employ of LDS Church Security a number of people with the necessary skills -- ex-FBI, ex-CIA, ex-Military Intelligence. What is really disturbing is that the authorities think it's proper and righteous to rifle through private correspondence and then use what they find in disciplinary proceedings. This is not only presumptuous and abhorrent, but it's totalitarian -- and, from the perspective of Mormon doctrine, it's Satanic. How would Lucifer, as he is depicted in Mormon theology, have compelled people to be obedient? Would he not have used exactly the variety of secret police tactics that are under discussion here?

I was not taken completely by surprise last night. A few weeks ago in Church the individual assigned to Home Teach our family made a cryptic remark to the following effect: "I hear we have a lot in common; we both like to post things on the internet." I didn't know if he was professing solidarity with my "apostasy" or trying somehow to rebuke me -- although the reference to "hearing" about my internet activity suggests the latter. It also suggests that my internet activities are or have been the topic of discussions involving my would-be Home Teacher.

My SP and I are going to have lunch tomorrow. As Korrin said, he's a genuinely nice person (occasionally intemperate and ill-considered things posted by me on this list notwithstanding). The problem here is that he has managed to "compartmentalize" his various ethics; he is, remember, the individual who told me about the value of having "two frames of mind" -- an "intellectual" frame of mind, in which we are allowed to question and examine issues critically, and a "gospel" frame of mind in which we simply obey, defer, and submit. I'm sure this meeting will be very interesting, and I'm sure I'll give the covert note-taker on this list a full report afterward.

Classified Ads

Curious Workmanship

Desperate Book Store

"How to get rich by starting your own religion" by Joseph Smith.

"Pardon me, but do you have a much younger sister?" (Chat up lines for a modern prophet) By Joseph Smith.

"Did I Say THAT?" (How to hide lies to the public when addressing the faithful) by Gordon B. Hinckley.

"Did You know I am a farmer?" (Using bullshit to get through an interview) by Gordon B. Hinckley.

Truths Through Great Mormon Lives. Series by Wannabee A. Seventy.

1) Faithfulness in marriage Joseph Smith

2) Racial Harmony by Brigham Young

3) Toward a greater level of Theological knowledge by Gordon B. Hinkley

4) Always question your orders. By Bishop Lee, late adopted son of Brigham Young. - 03/01/2002 - by Matt


So You Want to Be a Boy Scout, The True Story of the Hinckley Youth Campaign.- A Hitler

Mormonism, A Pattern for Nazism. - A. Hitler

General Conference and Other Studies in Hypnotism - B.K. Paquer, Faquer of God - 02/18/2002 - by Mac

Elder Letterman's Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Temple Ceremonies You Never Hear About

02/16.2002 - anonymous proxy person

10. Circumcision for the dead. Worthy males allow themselves to be clipped for those who have gone on without having the opportunity to give up that 10 percent of themselves. Or that pound of flesh, which ever is greater.

9. Lying for the dead. Some "passed" members never got to tell some giant whoppers like the early church leaders did so now they get the chance. Proxy elders get to come up with huge lies that other proxy members pretend to believe in for the dead. The sky is the limit here.

8. Home teaching for the dead. Imagine someone never having been home taught! Proxy high priests teach proxy members gospel "trooths" that put even the dead to sleep.

7. Finding gold plates for the dead. This ceremony is a real gem. A truck load of dirt is dumped into the celestial room and some gold plates are not buried in it. A proxy fake angel doesn't visit the proxy boy jerking off in his bedroom but the proxy boy makes up some whacked out story about some gold plates. Proxy family members believe him! Other proxy idiots believe him too! Wow!

6. Attending BYU for the dead. A proxy student attends proxy classes on a proxy campus with proxy religion classes taught by proxy professors while pretending to be in proxy reality.

5. Onanism for the dead. No. Wait. You're not supposed to know about that one.

4. Patriarchal Blessings for the dead. A proxy patriarch pretends to bless a proxy blessed one with perfect hindsight, thus making all of the proxy fantasy real life events come "troo."

3. Raising children "as numerous as the sands of the sea" for the dead. A proxy pair of a male and females pretend to, "Love and appreciate each and every one", of the numberless proxy children at which point a proxy Mr. Rogers magically appears in the proxy neighborhooed and escorts all of the children to the proxy Primary opening exercises.

2. Lying to the bishop for the dead. A proxy member gets to be asked almost any question regarding their worthiness by the proxy bishop and the proxy member gets to answer every question correctly. They both have a proxy good laugh and go home to engage in every sin available to them.

1. Being Gordon Hinckley for the dead. So few ever get to be General Authorities so now even the dead get the chance. A proxy member gets to have his chin removed and have his brain injected with the fatal "Thinking's Been Done" virus. Other proxy members then get to be asked serious gospel and theological questions at which point they look to the proxy Gordon and say. "Ask that chinless, spineless charlatan, we can't think one goddammed thought for ourselves".

Top Ten Ways General Authorities eat their Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

01/28/2002 by by namyzarc

10. Joseph Smith: “I send the wrappers off on missions, then seal myself to be one with the peanut butter cups for all eternity.”

9. Brigham Young: “The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is really a Snickers bar, and I eat those one bite at a time.”

8. Oliver Cowdery, Martin Harris, and David Whitmer: “Well, we actually just ate the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with our SPIRITUAL mouths…”

7. Wilford Woodruff: “I first write a manifesto claiming I will never again eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, then I secretly eat a few more under the table.”

6. Paul H. Dunn: “I remember back in WWII that I ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup that was 2 feet tall. I really didn’t know if I could eat it or not, what with my recent war injury and all, but I remembered my fallen buddy’s words as he died in my arms: ‘Paul, if you just take one bite at a time, you can tackle anything.’ So I took that giant cup and, breaking it with the bat Babe Ruth gave me, proceeded to wolf down the tiny morsels.”

5. Gordon B. Hinckley: “I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but I don’t really know exactly how I ate it. These experiences are very sacred to me. Previous leader have mentioned how they eat their Reese’s Cups, but I’m not really sure what they meant by that.”

4. Thomas S. Monson: “I remember when I ate my first Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when I was tender lad of 8. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, ‘Tommy, are you eating a Reese’s?’ And I would invariably smile up to her, ‘Yes. Yes, I am.’ ‘But Tommy, did you know that Mrs. Jensen next door hasn’t eaten a Reese’s Cup in years?’ My young mind thought upon the plight of my next door neigbor as I…”

3. Boyd K. Packer: “In all my years, I have always eaten my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups the same way – the way the brethren have instructed us to eat them. There is a far greater evil in this world, though – those who believe they can eat their Cups in a way not in harmony with the brethren. We must be true and faithful and eat our Peanut Butter Cups the exactly same way the brethren does.”

2. Neal A. Maxwell: “I intentionally initiate the delicious design of deglutition of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. For like our Savior, it is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated. Then I…”


1. J. Golden Kimball: “H***, I’ll eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup any d*** way I want!”

There’s no wrong way (unless you listen to Mr. Packer) to eat a Reese’s.

Top Ten Claims If Proven True Would Make The Mormon Church Come True

01/28/2002 by Deconstructor of the Recovery Bulletin Board

1. A real translation of the papyri Smith used to produce the Book of Abraham would be similar to what is in the Perl of Great Price.

2. Native American DNA would show definite signs of an Isreli/Jewish connection.

3. Modern church leaders would not be deceived by con men like Mark Hoffman.

4. Abusive amature dictators that serve as Bishops, Stake Presidents and General Authorities would be released after they spiritually harmed a member of the flock.

5. The temple ceremony would never change, just as Joseph Smith and Brigham Young said.

6. All prophesies by the Mormon prophets would be in harmony, since they receive their revelations from the same unchanging, perfect God.

7. The MTC, BYU and other church-operated institutions would be shining examples of the principle of free agency.

8. Joseph Smith would have been able to find the first 116 "lot pages" of the original BoM translation, demonstrating true divine guidance in the work.

9. The various personal accounts by Smith of his "first vision" would not contradict the official version.

10. Journal accounts by faithful members would describe Smith's practice of polygamy as being in harmony with the revelation governing that doctrine.

As a True Believing Mormon, I naievely expected the above items to back up the church's story. Taken individually, you can come up with an excuse for why each one doesn't support the church's claims. But taken as a whole, it matches up with only one explanation... the church is an elaborate hoax.

Top Ten Vehicles To Hie To Kolob In

01/25/2002 - The Jetsons

Gentlemen, ...oops, I mean Brethren, start your engines!

Yes, these infernal combustion engines run on high octane priesthood power and produce enough hot air to "jetison" you and all of your wives to Kolob in the twinkling of an eye.

Top Ten Vehicles To Hie To Kolob In

10. The Rambler Nash-ing of Teeth.

9. The Hie Attal Herniator.

8. The Hie Ho.

7. The Yearnovator 600.

6. The Kolob Krackmaster 717.

5. The Ford Phalaxy 500.

4. The Vagina Lustmaster with Orgasmadrive.

3. The Peterbuilt Diesel Handcart

2. The Veil Groper 1500.

1. The Black Hole Blue Flamer.

Some friends I know have a Dodge Polygivan for the whole family. Some others prefer to go in a BMW (Big Mormon Wagon).

An El Camino Celestial is nice for taking naps in the bed in the back at rest stops along the way. Mormon fundies usually go in a Plygmouth or Pointy-ick Grand Prick followed by a caravan of turbo-charged Volvas (Swedish, of course).

People who've been dead a long time before making the journey typically prefer the Honda Postlude. But some claim that they can get there faster in a Christler! - 01/25/2002 - Casio

How about the Explorer Her or a Probe? - 01/25/2002 - B. Shaggy Young

Fantasy First Presidency

Mormon Apologetics

logo courtesy Solomon Skink

Favorite Links

Fellowshipping Fiascos

Funny Undies Drawer - The Naked Truth Revealed

Fruit of the Buffoon

03/11/2002 - from Appostate and lovin' it

In keeping with the several new names the church authorizes for it's self and others and in an effort to become more "mainstream" perhaps we should call this atrocious, and extremely uncomfortable garment by a name that accurately depicts it’s true nature. - Fruit of The Buffoon

Why Mormons Are Fanatical About Garments

03/11/2002 - Deconstructor of the Recovery from Mormonism bulletin board

Here are the references:

On another thread here, people are recounting stories of True Believing Mormon parents and friends who wear garments ALL THE TIME, including during sexual intercourse.

Fanaticism over wearing garments is strongly encouraged by Mormon leaders. Here are some examples:

"The garment represents sacred covenants. It fosters modesty and becomes a shield and protection to the wearer." -Apostle Boyd K. Packer, The Holy Temple

"There is, however, another piece of armor worthy of our consideration. It is the special underclothing known as the temple garment, or garment of the holy priesthood, worn by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who have received their temple endowment. This garment, worn day and night, serves three important purposes; it is a reminder of the sacred covenants made with the Lord in His holy house, a protective covering for the body, and a symbol of the modesty of dress and living that should characterize the lives of all the humble followers of Christ." -Apostle Boyd K. Packer, The Holy Temple

"I fear that too many Church members take for granted the promise of protection and blessings associated with the temple garment. Some wear it improperly, and others remove it to suit whims of circumstance. In such cases, the instructions of modern prophets, seers, and revelators are ignored and protection placed in jeopardy." -Elder Carlos E. Asay (Former President of the Salt Lake Temple), "The Temple Garment", Liahona, Sept. 1999, Page 33

"The blessings which flow from (wearing garments) are sufficiently great to recompense for any mere inconvenience. To break our covenants is to forfeit the protection and blessings promised for obedience to them." -First Presidency Message, 3 July 1974

"Church members who have been clothed with the garment in the temple have made a covenant to wear it throughout their lives. This has been interpreted to mean that it is worn as underclothing both day and night. This sacred covenant is between the member and the Lord. Members should seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit to answer for themselves any personal questions about the wearing of the garment. The promise of protection and blessings is conditioned upon worthiness and faithfulness in keeping the covenant." -First Presidentcy Letter to Priesthood Leaders, 10 October 1988

No wonder some Mormons take it to extremes and feel unsafe when they aren't wearing their garments.

True Believing Mormons really think their underwear is magical protection.

Indian Ghost Shirts and Mormon Garments

03/11/2002 - Matt2 of the Recovery from Mormonism bulletin board

This Sioux ghost shirt is believed to have been
worn by a victim of the December 1890 Wounded Knee massacre.

The ghost shirts were supposed to be invested with "magic qualities that made the wearers invulnerable to bullets," Prucha wrote. The Glasgow shirt is the only ghost shirt in Europe with a lineage linking it to Wounded Knee, said David Hartley, director of the museum of the South Dakota Historical Society in Pierre.

For more details and references:

Guess When - You Be The Prophet

Compete against Nostradamus, The Psychic Hot Line, Jimmy the Greek and Gordon B Hinckley in predicting the future. Using peep stones, urim and thummims, patriarchal blessings and still small voices is encouraged. As soon as one of these much anticipated events "comes to pass", the winner will be posted and then be required to start their very own, new, "one and only true and living church".

Please submit your predictions, prophecies and divinations along with any comments by email. Also, submit any other future events that you bosom is burning about and they will be posted so that others can help you predict the future.

03/10/2002 - from PT Brigham

When will those who are sustained as Prophets, Seers, and Revelators begin to exercise their gifts? Imagine the chaos if one of the 12 offered a revelation, or acted as a Seer.

It has been said if you don't use the talent, it will soon be taken away.

I fear that it is too late.

Gult Trip Travel Agency - Extra Baggage Encouraged

Mid Trip Interlude

03/17/2002 - by P.T. Brigham

Mid trip for those who have found their walk by faith somewhat discouraging, and the talk of the "brethren" less than inspiring, we offer an intellectual interlude. An opportunity, where you can actually study yourself right out of the gospel, and right into a safe and secure lifestyle.

Holy Havok - Temple Turmoil

What goes on behind the veil is wierd enough, but what else can go wrong?

Hokey Pokey at the Veil

03/15/2002 - by Todd M

After much consultation with mine own peestones, the urine and thumbnail, I much desireth to learn the true ways of the Reformed Egyptian Watusi, yeah, even unto the marshmallowship of the 5 jointed veiled consort. I shall not chicken out, yea, even unto crowing rather than clucking. Thou hast shown me the true ways of Wild Watusi, and I am ready for the further light and knowledge thou hast prepared for me. In the meantime, I must satisfy my spiritual needs with lesser truths:

"I will go down....

I will go up....

I will go down and shake it.... all about,

Doing the hokey-pokey thou shalt turn thyselves around

Yea, thus verily I say unto you, that, tis what its all about."

Jokes for Home and Visiting Teachers

10/26/2001 - anon

Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ and Santa Claus

A skeptical look at what these three famous icons have in common.

Historic Christianity occultic? If so, then what would that make modern "Christians"?

01/31/2002 - by Darell Thorpe

Over the years now, I have read numerous anti-Mormon books, and taken part in discussions on and off the radio, where anti-Mormon "Christians" have, and continue to charge, that Mormonism is a "cult," or is "occultic" because of its temple rituals, symbols, doctrines and practices. However, inasmuch as historic Christianity, which the critics claim to be a part of, is filled with examples of hand clasps in marriage ceremonies, rings; and has references to aprons, garments, hand clasping rites of passage out of hell, limbo, hades, purgatory, the abyss, and in depictions of Christ's ascension in to heaven. Plus, hand and wrist grips in historic Christian art works on the creation, a number of which also show the pre-existence, such as the council in heaven, Satan and his angels being thrust out of heaven, and their fall from heaven. Moreover, inasmuch as these creation dramas and art works also show God clasping the hand of Eve to pull her out of the side of Adam. God clothing Adam and Eve in garments, and having them clasp each others' hands to wed them. What would such things make historic Christians and modern so called "Christians"? How would modern anti-Mormon "Christians" answer their own charges against Mormons, as they are also found in anti-Christian writings, early and modern? Charges that historic Christianity is but a copy of pagan mystery religions? For anti-Christian writers point to these parallels to suggest that historic Christianity has "masonic" type symbols in their garments (T. W. Doane, late 19th century, Bible Myths). And that they have hand grips, pass word and mystery religion type rites (M.P.B, Isis Unveiled; The Secret Doctrine; R. Joseph Hoffman, Celsus, On The True Doctrine; Robert L. Wilken, The Christians as The Romans Saw Them; Stephen Benko, Pagan Rome and the Early Christians; A.S. Garretson, Primitive Christianity and Early Criticism, etc., etc.) If the same types of charges and claims that anti-Mormon "Christians" makes Mormonism a "cult" and "occultic," in the eyes of modern "Christians," what would that make those who claim to believe that their particular brand of modern Christianity has its roots in historic Christianity? Wouldn't they also be occultic and a "cult"?! Inasmuch as modern anti-Mormon "Christians" would have Mormons to leave Mormonism for having "cultic" rituals, symbols, etc. Wouldn't anti-Mormon "Christians" also have to leave Christianity too, especially if they should ever face up to what can be found all over the place in almost every branch of historic Christianity? What doctrines do anti-Mormon "Christians" use when Atheists, and anti-Christians, ancient & modern, charge that God neglects other nations? Would they use the same types of beliefs as the early Christians did, when they said that God didn't neglect other nations because the pre-existing Christ spoke to prophets around the world, and he went to other nations. Moreover, Christ didn't neglect the millions in the spirit world because he went to preach the gospel to them there, as Origen said in response to the early anti-Christian Celsus, (The Ante-Nicene Fathers, vol. 4, Origen Against Celsus; John P. Lundy, Monumental Christianity). Moreover, would modern anti-Mormon "Christians," who hate The Book of Mormon's account of Christ visiting other nations, such as the Ancient Americas; wouldn't they be willing to accept at least the early Christians doctrine, that was later legendize over the centuries into Santa Claus' world wide trek, that Christ went to other nations?! Hence, Christ wasn't neglectful of other nations? As Origen, Tertullian and others testified! (The Ante-Nicene Fathers, vols. 3 & 4, Origen Against Celsus; Tertullian, An Answer to The Jews). When critics charge that the early Christians were a cult, had magical stones, and secret pass words, & symbols, (like the fish symbol), and hand grips. How would modern anti-Mormon "Christians" respond to these ancient and modern critics? Wouldn't their responses be answers to their own charges made against Mormonism?
When later Christians, such as Calvin, rejected the earlier Christian monastic version of the ladder to perfection and deification, saying that they couldn't become gods, was he rejecting the Mormon version during the 16th century? Of course not, they weren't around yet. (Roland H. Bainton, The Renaissance, six essays).
Sources and links to art works, early Christian writings, etc.:
Hand and wrist grips in historic Christian art works:
Hand and wrist grips in historic Christian marriage ceremonies and rings:
Hand clasps in connection with Christ's world wide trek:
Christ world wide trek later legendized in later centuries about the wandering Christ-child; Christkindl (German for Christ-child), Kriss Kringle and eventually Santa Claus:
Parallels between anti-Mormon "Christian" charges and early anti-Christians:
Early Christians also called a "cult," etc.:
Other sources and links:
Time lines that show how historic Christianity eventually rejected and legendize many of its beliefs, rituals, doctrines, etc.:
A.D. 55, James response to "salvationists" that taught that they were saved by grace and didn't have to live a moral life (R. Joseph Hoffmann, Celsus, On The True Doctrine).
2nd century, different Christian sects contend over what Christ did, and who got saved out of the spirit prison. (Jeffrey Burton Russel, Satan, The Early Christian Tradition).
325, The Nicene Creed was enforced by Constantine, later art works influenced by the creed would show the Godhead depicted as three faces on one head, or three heads on one body. However, numerous other art works in other areas of Christianity show three separate men in the God head. (Roland H. Bainton, Behold the Christ; see also The Nicene and Post Nicene Fathers, first and second series).
397 & 398, Councils of Hippo and Carthage, distorted versions of baptism for the dead where discontinued. Earlier, a book considered and even part of earlier canons, The Shepherd of Hermas, mentions Christ descent and baptism for the dead. How that those in the underworld were given "the seal" or water baptism. (The Ante-Nicene Fathers, vol. 2).
400, debates were held in other areas of Christianity over what "perfection" meant.
553, Origen's version of the pre-existence was rejected by the Council of Constantinople (The Nicene & Post Nicene Fathers, see volume on church councils).
Christ world wide trek was beginning to be legendized in art works that showed Christ hold an orb in his hand. (the orb looks like a crystal ball! Would that mean Christ is occultic and used a seer stone?) The orb symbolized how he rules the whole world. Monks would greet pilgrims, the sick, poor, and wanderers as if they were Christ in different guises, because of how Matthew 25 suggested to St. Benedict, that Christ was out wandering the earth and would come to them to test them in different guises. The way monks would greet each other and pilgrims, was grip each others' hands as if they were grasping Christ's wounds.
7th or 8th centuries, the prayer circle was rejected in a later church council. (Dr. Huge Nibley, Mormonism and Early Christianity, see section on prayer circles, etc.)
10th through 19th centuries, the temple rituals were eventually became fraternalized in Christian Monk Orders, Militant Christian Knight Orders, and later Masonic Orders.
Christ world wide trek is eventually legendized in later stories that show him wandering the earth to visit and test different saints, such as St. Christopher, St. Martin, St. Dorthy, and others. Eventually, the wandering Christ-child, who also holds orbs in his hands, starts to visit different areas of the world, annually, during Christmas seasons. These stories were eventually legendized into later traditions about the wandering Christkindl (German for Christ-child). Eventually, they were later legendized in stories about Kriss Kringle and Santa Claus' frosty annual Christmas Eve world rounds.
Hope to hear from any one that this might reach, interested in your responses, if any!
I think that these and other questions and issues need to eventually be addressed, especially by those who continue to claim have their roots into "historic Christianity" while rejecting Mormonism versions of historic Christianity through the restoration of many of these earlier beliefs, though they may now be rejected by many modern so-called "Christian" sects.

Joseph Smith, Jr

The fellow who started this show

The Latter Day Landfill

From Relief Society Bazaar to the Brethren's Bizarre - You won't believe the tacky tripe and preposterous products being hoisted upon the sheep by their shepherds. Absolutely anything to make a buck and then pass on a dime to the Lord. All of this to "bless" the lives of the Saints? Submit any products that you come across on the internet in the box below.

Modesty by Design - - Combining the best of the Amish, Quaker and Mormon Fundamentalist high fashion world.

Zion Share - - Kirtland HealthShare is a non-insurance program of sharing medical expenses for LDS members up to $1 million. Hey, didn't the United Order already fold up a long time ago? Do they pay their medical bills in Kirtland Bank Notes?

Temple Traders - - Tacky Temple Trading Cards - trade them just like you trade baseball trading cards. Hey anything for buck.

Limmericks and Chiasmus - Proofs and Spoofs of Holy Scripture

Old Prophet Called Gordon

01/10/2002 - by Matt

There was a old prophet called Gordon,
who acted like he was a Moron.
When asked what he knew,
he puffed and he blew
but guess what? The questions? He ignored 'em!

Chiasmus in Dr. Seuss

01/04/2002 - Peekay of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Quoting from "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish"

"My hat is old
My tooth is gold
I have a bird I like to hold
My shoe is off
My foot is cold"
(next page)
"My shoe is off
My foot is cold
I have a bird I like to hold
My hat is old
My tooth is gold."

Ok, I wrote this from memory, so it may not be exactly right, but it seems like good ol' chiasmus to me. I guess that means Dr. Seuss' book must have come from ancient manuscripts. Rather humbling, isn't it? ;-)

Misbehaving Mishies - Tilted Halos R Us

Mission Presidents From Hell

Mormon Double Speak - The Rift of Tongues

2002 Mormon Olympic Games


The Molympic Anthem

02/10/2002 by Jillian

(To the Mormon tune of "High On a Mountain Top")

High in the mountain tops the gauntlet has been hurled.
We’re pulling out all stops to welcome all the world!
The Molympics have arrived. The judgment day is nigh --
The Mormon P.R. Fest! It’s “Do or Die”!!!

For we remember still respect we couldn’t win.
The shame of being on the outside looking in.
We want to show the world we’re really ‘just plain folks’
And don’t deserve to be the butt of jokes.

We’ve got a brand new look for guides on Temple Square.
And you won’t see us prosyliting anywhere.
Remodeling’s almost done; we’ve tidied up the place.
But please don’t look too far beyond our face.

Now only listen to the things we want to share.
Cause there are lots of secrets lurking everywhere.
Polygamy’s a blip; Our family values rule.
And theocratic living’s really cool!

We’re hoping to convince the world that we’re mainstream.
Appearing like all others is our fondest dream.
The fastest growing church--Eleven million strong!
How could so many people all be wrong??!

So step into our web; we’ll show you all around.
We’ll even help you find out where there’s booze in town.
Eventually we’ll save you from your evil sin.
We’ve planned it all so LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

Olympic Visitors Guidelines

01/31/2002 by Howard of the Recovery Bulletin Board

With the upcoming Olympics only a few weeks away, here are some "tips" for visitors to the area:

1. Don't laugh at the names (LaVar, LaVel, LaDell, LaMont, DelVora, Lehi, Moroni, Aldean, Brigham, or LuDean, etc.) All names are divine and are beyond gentile humor.

2. Don't offer your Utah Volunteer Guide a cup of coffee or tea, regardless of how cold it is or how miserable they look. It is against their religion. Instead, offer them caffeine-laden cold drinks, such as Coca-Cola or Mountain Dew.

3. That green stuff is not a mold. It is Jell-O, the official State dessert. You might try to taste ALL the 3,456,237 recipes for green Jell-O salad during your visit.

4. The Relief Society is NOT a group of citizens who clean public restrooms. They are groups of mothers who specialize in quilts, casseroles and green Jell-O salad. They meet weekly to exchange quilt patterns, casserole recipes, and interesting variations of green Jell-O salad. In fact, they are SO dedicated, they dress like quilts, their hair is done to look like their favorite casserole, and they jiggle just like Jell-O.

5. Don't get lost in downtown Salt Lake. You can go north or south on West Temple, or east or west on North Temple, or on South Temple, but you can't go north on Main Street any more. The BIG Mountains and all alpine events are on the east side. A large pond and little mountains are to the west. If you're driving and it starts to smell really bad, you're too far west.

6. Do NOT believe the rumors; we DO sell alcohol in Utah. But do NOT try to find retail outlets by looking under Beer, Wine, or Alcohol in the yellow pages. All alcohol is sold by the State in tiny outlet stores hidden from sight of the general populace and unmarked by large signs or billboards. Do not TRY to find one by asking your Utah Volunteer Guide where the liquor stores are. You will easily find an alcoholic drink on your return flight.

7. Remember concealed weapons are legal in Utah, especially when thinking of returning any hand gesture to any of our friendly Utah drivers.

8. We don't use profanity in Utah. We use only approved expressions: gosh, gul-durn, dad-gumit, golly, jeminy, fetch, flip, frick, frack, etc.

9. Our bible is better than your bible, our prophet is better than yours (ours is still alive), our history is more true than yours, and nobody is allowed to laugh about the Church except Pat Bagley or Robert Kirby.

10. We don't wear "funny underwear". We wear blessed undies and its considered bad taste to ask to see them and please note--they are not available as souvenirs.

11. If a Utahn introduces you to his six wives, please do not say something STUPID like "Isn't that illegal?" Remember the concealed weapon law.

12. You won't find any businesses open or community activities here on Sundays all-day, Monday evenings, Tuesday afternoons, Wednesday evenings, Friday afternoons, or Saturday mornings. These are all regularly scheduled church times and you will be expected to eat, dance, party, and recreate around them. Finally, we really welcome you, your religion, and your diversity here, so PLEASE enjoy your stay!

LDS Unveil Olympic Banner

01/31/2002 by P. T. Brigham

Nauvoo Expositor Press- Salt Lake City, Utah In some intense last minute jockeying for media superiority the LDS church has opted to drape the Salt Lake LDS temple in the Olympic spirit. 

Reminiscent of days gone by, where banners adorned the temple in red, white and blue, for 24th of July celebrations. President and CEO of the LDS Church, Gordon B. Hinkley announced in his State of the Church address that "A maaarvelous bannnnnnnner " will adorn the temple for the Olympic celebration.

Although the secret banner has not been seen, it is rumored to be emblazoned with the Olympic torch and bear the words.we ARE the ONLY TRUE CHURCH!!!   Speaking with authority but on condition of anonymity another source stated, " the banner content although still "hush hush" may take on a slightly more profound stance in the face of the importance of this once in a lifetime missionary opportunity stating:  "We are the rulers of the world, We rule with POWER and AUTHORITY"  

Boyd Q. Paquer, a long time delusional apostle of the Lord, claims this is the time foretold in the Old Testament,   a revelation for modern times."High on a mountain top, a banner is unfurled" and is still not in accord with the majority of the brethren, claiming the banner should be flown from Ensign Peak.

Hinkley commented ."we don't look at this as a "secret" banner but a "sacred" banner.celebrating the spirit of the Olympics.Lord knows we haven't had any other spirit visit us in the past decade.

The banner will cover the entirety of the north  side of the building where there will be an unobstructed view by world media cameras.

A Special Olympic announcement:

Those worthy who wish to view Olympic events from the temple are encouraged to get your temple recommends early.  A website has been established to receive your historic Temple Recommend.


As a token of appreciation an Olympic CTR ring will be given to all in attendance, we wish all to receive it.

Mormonia Dictionary

Bringum Young : The Younger the better. Polygamy & pedophilia are synonymous.
Disappear : What happens to your beer if you invite only one Mormon to deer hunt with you. Always invite two Mormons to deer hunt, they will taddle on each other if they touch your beer.
Brick of Moron : The Book of Mormon nobody wants to buy or read.
Broad-Jumping:  Olympic Sport in which Joseph Smith and Brigham Young excelled.
Doctrine and Covenants or "D&C" : a book of riddle-like laws, regulations, and religious ordinances governing Mormondom that, interestingly, gives no real concrete definition of what the doctrines of the present-day church are, despite the fact that mundane and trivial commands concerning the affairs of individuals who lived in the first part of the 1800's are clearly stated. Doctoring and Covenants. boring part of the scriptures only shown to investigators after they're dunked (and for explaining the odd bit that's not in the Bible or Book of Mormon) The REAL Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
Eric Kettunen : Founder of The Ralph Nader of Mormonism. The commanding officer of Operation "Deseret" Storm.
FoMo : formerly mormon
Garmeroos : what a koala bear or kangaroo wears after being endowed in the Sydney Australia LDS Temple.
High Piste : Mormon only Skislope
His Royal Zioness : (HRZ) The Mormon Prophet.
Matriarchal Grip : Something adept Mormon moms use to control several of their kids at the same time.
NoMo : never was a mormon
Mountain Meadows Massacre : Mormongate. Bronze Medal "Winner" for American mass-murder, though it held the record for 137 years.
Norman the Mormon : A mormon in Jackson Hole or Las Vegas, who is drunk, smoking and gambling because his bishop (nor anyone else) is around to see him.
Order of The Black Garment: See Ex-Mormons
Patriarchal Grip: The firm finger-hold with which the church accepts any monetary donation. The Houdini Handshake. Stuff keeping GAs' teeth in.
pay-lay-aleontologist : FARMS staff member. Nibley wannabee.
polygamy : pole-gamy. "Holier" Matrimony. "Mormon Hold-em" (as seen on "The Simpsons"
Ricks College : Pricks College. Third Reich's College.
sect : Derogatory name for another church which Mormons don't want to give publicity to.
Urim & Thummim : Urine & Thumb In.
Woman : Household appliance commonly used by priests for making babies.

Mormon Church Web Site Addresses

The Mormon God of Growth

Variables Still Remaining to be Measured

01/05/2002 - by DataHavok of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Aside from the question of who has the more accurate stats, or whether negative trends are short term or long term, (all very arguable points), the most important variables still remaining to be measured are:

1. The effect of the Internet, as it provides new, revolutionary methods of research available to common people, which broaden's people's exposure to information both favorable and not favorable regarding the church.

2. The effect of other denominations (including non-christian religions) that have grown and continue to grow faster than the LDS church. The LDS church is not growing in a completely empty void. The exponential growth of other religions impacts the exponential growth of the LDS church.

3. The exponential growth of the Ex-Mormon movement. If anyone were to chart it, I'm certain it would be shown that the Ex-Mormon movement is growing exponentially. If this continues unabated (using the same unchecked growth algorithms used by TBM ward clerk), there will be a point where the continued exponential growth of Ex-mormonism simply slices off the growth peak of Mormonism. Basically, the possibility remains that while the growth of new converts continues exploding (for both Mormonism and Ex-Mormonism), Mormonism becomes a rotating door, which most converts pass through on their way towards their nearly inevitable Ex-Mormon status.

Mormon Mainstreaming
Hey! We're Christians Too.

Mormon Medicine, A Holy-istic Approach

For PPBF Syndrome (Post Priesthood Blessing Failure Syndrome) try the latest money back guaranteed products mutli-leveled marketed right to your door by Holy-istics Inc. Guaranteed to cure every disease know to mankind, except chronic "Burning of the Bosom." No Recommend Required! Use Only As Translated Correctly!

Mormon Musings

All Welcome, Attendance Required!

02/18/2002 - by girl in the box

Please, please, everyone come in and take a seat. Ah wait, you haven't got your bodies back yet, and you have no seat to take! (chuckle) Little joke there, brothers and sisters. Make sure you show the secret handshake when you enter, so that we'll know you really belong here. But of course, we already know that. Welcome to Judgement Day, when all your worst sins shall be shouted from the rooftops. Now I realize all the rooftops on Earth have been levelled by earthquakes, but we only meant that symbolically anyway (chuckle).

As those of you who are righteous know, I am Micheal. I will be doing the shouting by proxy for Jesus, who couldn't be here today. He has to oversee the construction of his mansion on New Earth -- you know how you can't trust those angel servants to do anything right without a little supervision to keep their wood beams on the straight and narrow (chuckle). All right, time to get down to business.

First off, those who have already been thrust into Outer Darkness for their crimes shall not have their crimes shouted. They are Unmentionables. Let us all forget them. That will be easy for those of you who are righteous to do.

Now, as for those of you who were not taught the Gospel on Earth, and who died without knowing about the temple, and who were then baptized by proxy, your crimes shall not be shouted because you did not know they were crimes, and so you are absolved of them. Because you wisely accepted the church as being true when Jesus told you so after you died, you will be automatically transferred to the New Earth Celestial Kingdom after this meeting to receive your mansions.

For those who were never taught the Gospel in life, and who were not baptized by proxy on Earth, we're sorry for the slipup. We thought everyone had been taken care of. Ah well, there's nothing to be done now. You will have to stay in your graves, as you aren't able to rise with the trumpets. So sorry. At least a coffin is not as black as Outer Darkness. (chuckle)

For all the prophets, seers, and revelators of the church...I know you committed a little sin here and there, but you are absolved of that by the "election made sure" clause, so you may leave any time you like. Make sure you stop by the Worthy Wives office to participate in the first selection of the best wives for the highest leaders of the church. There aren't any virgins, but they've all proven their fertility. Keep your hands off Eve. I already got to take my pick.

Now for the list. I shall start at the top, and go in alphabetical order according to your temple names, which I assume you haven't forgotten. If you have, you shall have to wait until the end of the meeting, and then submit a form for getting a new name and a new judgement on the morrow.

Adam. Not, of course, myself, but temple-named Adam. Let me see here. The book of sins says you never repented for the following. (clears throat) ADAM DID COMMIT FORNICATION WITH ONE TEMPLE-NAMED RUTH WHEN HE WAS SEVENTEEN. HE DID COMMIT FORNICATION WITH RUTH THREE TIMES, AND DID NOT TELL HIS BISHOP. THE FIRST TIME, HE TOOK HIS HAND AND mumblemumblemublemubmle THE SECOND TIME mumblemumblemumblemumble AND THE LAST TIME mumblemumble! Hmm, I should have picked this girl for one of my wives. FEEL THE SHAME OF YOUR ACTIONS, ADAM, AND KNOW THAT THOU ART JUDGED TO BE WORTHY ONLY OF THE TERRESTRIAL KINGDOM. Pick up your application for a trailor house at the T.K. offices.

And now for...Adam. No, not you. You've already been done. The other Adam. No, not you. You're next. And you're after him, Adam. Don't you know your own name? No, the blonde Adam. No, the blonde Adam with green eyes. You! Yes, you. Step forward. Now I want no further misunderstandings of this kind. If you had all been paying attention during the temple sessions, you would have realized that each of your names is pronounced differently, and you would know who you are (shakes heads). I told God we needed a better system, but he just wouldn't upgrade. Adam, you are judged. ADAM DID COMMIT LUST IN HIS HEART ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS FOR THE BIG-SCREEN TV OF HIS NEIGHBOR. ADAM DID COMMIT ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS THE APPALLING SIN OF MASTURBATION, WHERIN HE WOULD PROCEED TO mumblemumblemumblemumble(!!)mumblesigh. I BEAR WITNESS THAT HE DID DO THESE THINGS. ADAM, YOU ARE HEREBY CONDEMNED...oh, but you did. It's right here. Oh wait. I'm reading about the other Adam. No, the brunette. (chuckle) Ah well, we would have gotten to him eventually anyway.

(a God-week later)

Adam, step forward. No, the formerly dark-skinned one...his skin is being purfied? I'll come back to him later.

(much, much later)

Sister Ruth. Ruth could not attend today because her husband did not call her from the grave. Since this is his right, protected under the "husband rules the home" act, Ruth will not be judged until the day her husband decides to bring her up.

Next, Ruth. Oh, tsk tsk. My oh my. How amaz--appalling! Wow. You don't see a lot of that! Oh, but wait. You're married to Joseph. Darn it. You're absolved, you may leave.


(three God-weeks later)


(three more God-weeks later)

...ALLOWING THE CHILDREN TO SEE YOUR EXPOSED KNEECAP AND THUS CORRUPTING THEM. In consideration of these numerous unrepented sins, you are hereby condemned to the Telestial Kingdom, to join all the other church members who failed to do all that was expected of them. Because of the "families forever" program, your children will be permitted to view you on cable from time to time, but will not be allowed to visit your hovel at any time during the rest of the eternities. I hope you like it with the murderers and feminists, Ruth. It's just the sort of company your kind deserves.

Now let me see, did I miss anyone...oh, Mary! Oh wait, you slept with the BIG GUY. You can go on through.

Well, that's it. I'm going home. I think I'll stop by Briggie's for some mild chatting about the mild weather, and to see how his wives are getting along. It'll feel nice to sit in the sun, and let my robe hang open...

Discovering the Mormon Hoax doesn't change reality

02/07/2002 - by Deconstructor

So you've just realized the the church has been lying aout its past, its authority and its doctrine...

Suddenly it hits you: "Everything has changed!"

Sorry to tell you, but nothing has really changed except your perspective. The reality hasn't changed at all!

It's not like you were really going to meet your dead relatives in the Celestial Kingdom, until you discovered the church was false. You were NEVER going to meet them in the Celestial Kingdom, because there never was a Celestial Kingdom.

At first, it may be hard to understand that the church never was true and that it was false from the beginning. It was all a lie long before any of us were born. You finding out about it now hasn't changed that fact. Only your perspective has changed.

Why do people fear the truth? Is it because they prefer their make-believe world view? Do they think if they believe hard enough, that it will somehow make their wish come true?

I can already hear TBMs saying the same thing about us Exmos - that we are wishing the church weren't true when it really is.

But who is pretending the egyptian scrolls are the authentic source of the Book of Abraham? Whos' playing make-believe games with church "callings" and "blessings"? Who's pretending Hinckley is as much a prophet as part-the-red-sea Moses?

Do ExMos cling to any wish so great that they ignore measurable facts, DNA evidence and eye-witness testimony? Who's supressing evidence in hopes of making their dreams come true?

The ultimate reality hasn't changed, only your perspective. And as much as you want the Wizard of Oz to be real, now you know the truth that it's just a man behind the curtain blowing smoke.


01/31/2002 - from Ex-caliber

Isn't it interesting that all Mormon young men are forbidden to masturbate by older Mormons who also did it when they were young? Aren't hypocrites the ones whom Jesus chastised the most severely?

01/30/2002 - Trish of the Recovery Bulletin Board

I put my shoulder to the wheel, but it never budged. I finally 'got smart' and stopped pushing.

01/31/2002 - by  ButBut courtesy of Greenlady

"Only Mormons think that there is a subtantial difference between Jay Dubs and Morgbots. Everyone else thinks that they are equally nuts."

God is Bi-Polar

01/31/2002 - from L.E. Ingrem

God is Loving
God Is Vengeful
God is Angry
God is Generous...
Human's aim is to be Godlike.
....hmmm...God is BiPolar, and obviously has some kind of inferiority complex...and people wanna be like that? I've got enough of my own problems thank you.

Hinckley Can't Explain Book of Abraham to Elders

01/25/2002 - Casio
I also saw Gordon B. Hinckley at a mission conference where one of the Elders asked him directly about the Book of Abraham and its inconsistency with the funerary contents of the Papyrus. I had only recently heard about this (from a Baptist we met who was trying to set us straight) and I was relieved when the Elder asked the question. I was expecting Gordy to tell us how it was all true and the papyrus supported the Book of Abraham. But it wasn't to be. GBH was totally flustered. He groped around for words and mumbled something about how some people thought they were simple funerary scripts and others thought that the Book of Abraham papyrus hadn't been found yet and then he was quickly on to the next question. (In other words, he was doing the patented Hinckley "we don't know much about it" routine.)

Mormons and Blacks

Black Mormon Shoots Self For Being Unloved by God

01/10/2002 - Steve H of Recovery Bulletin Board

We were told that if a man had even one ancestor who was from Africa; that man could not hold the priesthood, even if all the other N ancestors were not African.

I heard of a Sunday School president in one ward or branch in Sao Paulo (Helio do Rocha Camargo was a bishop at that time) who had found he had an ancestor from Africa when doing his genealogy. He voluntarily(?) stopped using the priesthood and held only positions that did not require it.

I became a good friend with a member who could not hold the priesthood. Gelio was in his late twenties, a humble and most honest person. He sometimes would tell us how disheartened he felt knowing that he had not been faithful before this life, and wondered how God could possibly love him. Gelio shot and killed himself two months after I was transferred to another city.

How stupid we were.

Bruce R. McConkie's Take On Blacks and the Priesthood

01/10/2002 - by LM

After the church did an about-face and granted the priesthood to the blacks McConkie responded to questions with:
" is time disbelieving people repented and got in line and believed in a living, modern prophet. Forget everything that I have said, or what President Brigham Young or President George Q. Cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world."

" erases all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past. They don't matter any more."

"It doesn't make a particle of difference what anybody ever said about the Negro matter before the first day of June of this year (1978). It is a new day and a new arrangement, and the Lord has now given the revelation that sheds light into the world on this subject. As to any slivers of light or any particles of darkness of the past, we forget about them." ("All Are Alike Unto God," by Apostle Bruce R. McConkie of the Council of the Twelve, pp. 1-2)

Interesting - McConkie considers all the multitude of past statements by himself and other living prophets on the subject of priesthood for the blacks to now be "darkness" and mere "slivers of light."

Got a problem with that? Then "G E T I N L I N E!"

Questions for Gospel Answers - Blacks In Brazil

01/10/2002 - submitted by Deconstructor of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Click on the link to learn how missionaries related to blacks in Brazil. Owen West.  He is the webmaster of Questions to Gospel Answers.

The "M" Word

New Name That Tune - Zion Perfection Performers

No Rhyme or Reason - Mormon Poetry

Not So Nice Mail

Patriarchal Blessings - Comments

Pearlettes of Great Price - Tiny Treasures of Truth Discovered on the Internet

How can you "hone a lie" like the Liahona with the Internet around!? - 03/15/2002 - Pat McKitrick

I wonder if freckles are spots of sin? - 02/18/2002 - girl in the box

01/31/2002 - by ButBut courtesy of Greenlady

"Only Mormons think that there is a subtantial difference between Jay Dubs and Morgbots. Everyone else thinks that they are equally nuts."

01/31/2002 - from Ex-caliber

Isn't it interesting that all Mormon young men are forbidden to masturbate by older Mormons who also did it when they were young? Aren't hypocrites the ones whom Jesus chastised the most severely?

01/30/2002 - Trish of the Recovery Bulletin Board

I put my shoulder to the wheel, but it never budged. I finally 'got smart' and stopped pushing.

Priesthood Polygraphs - True Lies

Re-Inspired Scriptures

Re-name Brigham Young University

Re-name The LDS Church

The Clutch of Joseph Smith of Latter Day Studs - 02/16/2002 - Pete O. Philia

The Crock of Joseph Smith of Latter Day Suds - 02/16/2002 - Elder Jack Daniels

"THE CHURCH" Must be the true name, everybody is always wondering if I belong... - 02/17/2002 - from P.T. Brigham

Seminary Teachers From Hell


01/09/2002 by Mike Paglia

01/09/2002 by Mike Paglia

01/09/2002 by Mike Paglia

01/09/2002 by Doug

01/09/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/09/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/06/2002 by Mike Paglia

01/05/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/05/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/04/2002 by Neophi

01/04/2002 by Chris Pettit

01/02/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/02/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/02/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/02/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/02/2002 by Stray Mutt

01/02/2002 by Stray Mutt

Creative Caption Contest

Click here to enter and test your wits and creative inspiration against other apostates and infidels. Caption Contest

Sons and Daughters of Perdition

Temple Square Graffiti

Home of Hinkley's Henchmen - 02/17/2002 - from P.T. Brigham

Sex is Evil and Sex is Sin, But Sin is forgiven, So Sex is in! " - 02/15/2002 -Snorkman "

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were only true...? 01/27/02 -anon

Tithing Tales
How many pay? - How much and why?

You May Be A Mormon If ...

You call your english teacher Sister Stevens instead of Mrs. Stevens. - 02/16/2002 - from Miss Gomo

More Mormon If's

01/04/2002 - by Nephihahaha of the Recovery Bulletin Board

You might be Mormon if...

you thought "One Million BC" was a documentary...

Calvin Klein shirts remind you of Heaven for some reason...

when asked who the President is, "George W. Bush" is your SECOND answer...

you think Starbucks are drugdealers...

you think "famine relief" is a group for starving women...

you only use Elizabethan English on special occasions...

you think Olympic Women's Swimming on TV is pornographic...

you consider "damn" to be a rude word...

you reckon the poor and unemployed should give away 10% of their earnings...

what you wear is more important than either faith OR works...


you drink diet coke out of a paper bag

you buy a size too small underwear so it doesn't extend out of your tennis shorts

you secretly long for a beer when you eat Mexican food

you secretly have a beer when you eat Mexican food - 01/04/2002 - SLDrone of Recovery Bulletin Board


You consider the Victoria's Secret catalog your personal secret Playboy - 01/04/2002 - Haha

You had your wedding reception at Chuck a Rama - 01/04/2001 - Jimbo

You think a single woman over age 21 is an "old maid." - 01/04/2002 - Nicegirl

One day you believe you can achieve godhood and the next day you don't really know that we teach that. - 01/04/2002 - Aussie John

Mormon If's Galore

01/04/2002 - by al-marek, running out of ideas believe Spencer W. Kimball was George Lucas' inspiration for Yoda. believe the Star Wars saga is a veiled interpretation of the sealed portion of the gold plates. think EVERYONE in Utah is Mormon, so it's OK to use home teaching examples in your business meetings.

...your wife's favorite "wine" is "You don't take me to Snelgrove's anymore." (Snelgrove's Ice Cream in SLC)'re proud that Utah is #1 per capita in ice cream consumption.

...your wife is pregnant when your daughter gets married. think the division between church and state means the 3 or 4 blocks separating church HQ and the State Capitol. hand law enforcement officers your temple recommend instead of your driver's license when you get pulled over. (Robert Kirby has some funny stories about this.) ignore attempts by law enforcement personnel to pull you over because you're late for your temple session. (This actually happened. The sheriff's deputy--a Mormon also--handcuffed the man in the temple dressing room.)

________________________ have a cookbook filled entirely with jello recipes.

...your kid is getting married and people offer to help with the food at the reception.

...polygamy is a touchy subject. still follow the Osmond family. think "South Park" is a sign of the Second Coming. - 01/04/2001 - exmorg

Greenbeans's Mormon If's

01/04/2002 - Greenbean

Have a hard time saying Mr. Smith or Mrs Thomas because you're used to saying Brother Smith or Sister Thomas.

Think "deep throat" is something a sword swallower has.

You have danced at a "Gold and Green Ball"

Consider yourself and actor for participating in a "road show"

Pay tithing on a tax return.

Find yourself surrounded by sunbeams

Know what CTR really means....WWJD

Believe that "touched by and angel" is filmed in SLC because its so close to God.

Believe that everyone with dark skin will be white after resurrection day

Never question authority...

Need to confess to petting animals at the zoo.

Speed on the highway in Utah and still feel "worthy"


You think a 12 year old deacon has more power in his little finger than the Pope and all his cardinals.

You have worn a 3-piece suit at the beach.

You watch the Jehova's witnesses going out to proselite and think THEY have been brainwashed.

Your chess set is only for decoration.

You think you're a good singer because you know the alto part to "I Stand All Amazed".

You don't applaud after a musical performance to keep "reverence".

You think it's a good thing that all votes are always unanimous.

You think Walt Whitman was one of the witnesses of the Book of Mormon.

You feel no remorse from naming your child LaVell.

You are never sure how to discard old underwear properly. - 01/04/2002 - Pravda

...Your TBM (true believing Mormon) ex thinks the children will receive god's blessings more rapidly if he pays the tithing instead of child support. - 01/05/2002 - anon

Mormon History - The Rest of the Story

Elder Paul Dunn Harvey - Church Historian

Sex and the Mormon Church - a chronological history

01/04/2002 - Deconstructor of the Recovery Bulletin Board

The Restoration Means God Leads the Mormon Church

"Living prophets are leading this church today. The greatest security of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints comes from learning to listen to and obey the words and commandments that the Lord has given through living prophets. I would hope that the world would understand the importance of having a living prophet on earth today. In my own lifetime, through association with prophets, I have observed how they are prepared by the Lord. Their purpose is to bring us the will of the Lord for our times. I give my testimony that the prophets of this day have the qualities of the prophets of old and the other prophets of this dispensation. Each of these prophets has humbly and prayerfully sought to know and follow God’s will in his personal ministry. We declare with soberness, and yet with the authority of God in us vested, we have a prophet today. The President of the Church, as a prophet, is God’s representative on earth and is appointed to lead His church." -Apostle Robert D. Hales, "Hear the Prophet’s Voice and Obey," Ensign, May 1995, Page 15

Now look what those leaders have done over the last 150 years. Ask yourself, are these men really God's representatives on the Earth?

The following historical events regarding sex and marriage in the church have been compiled from the extensive historical church chronology from D. Michael Quinn's book "The Mormon Hierarchy : Extensions of Power" For references, refer to the book.

Jan 14, 1848 - Brigham Young instructs Seventy's meeting: "For the first act of adultery you may forgive a man, but if a man beds with a woman and does it 10 times he is guilty."

11 Mar, 1848 - Benjamin Covey is excommunicated for having sexual intercourse with two girls "less than Twelve years of age" who are his foster daughters. He is rebaptized and serves as bishop of Salt Lake City Twelfth Ward from 22 February 1849 until 1856.

1 Feb, 1849 - First counselor Heber C. Kimball tells Sunday meeting that plural marriage "would end he said when the Church had gone to the Devil or the Prieshood taken from this people - then God would give it to another people."

3 Mar, 1849 - At council of Fifty meeting, Brigham Young speaks concerning theives, murderers, and sexually licentious: "I want their cursed heads to be cut off that they may atone for their crimes." Next day, the council agrees that man has "forfeited his Hed," and decides it would be best "to dispose of him privately." Instead, they allow him to live.

29 April, 1849 - First Presidentcy and Quorum of Twelve make following decisions concerning sex in marriage "not to unite with woman in view of impregnation till 7 days after the cesation of the menstrual discharge in order for the most healthy procreation. Also that after childbrith if delivered a son she should continue 40 days in her purification [without sexual intercourse with her husband]. If daughter she [the new mother] should be 70 days separated as unclean for a man. As to sexual connexion during pregnancy, do just as they please about that - suit themselves." This is the earliest known LDS discussion of what is appropriate in sexual relations of married couples. These rules are based on Book of Leviticus, rather than on current medical writings.

15 Jan, 1851 - First of Brigham Youngs' five formal divorces from plural wives. He is only one formally divorced while serving as church president. Joseph Smith informally ended several plural marriages, and four LDS presidents are formally divorced as apostles (John Talor, Wilford Woodruff, Lorenzo Snow and Joseph F. Smith)

19 Jar, 1851 - Utah legislature enacts law against "Sodomoy" by "any man or boy," but removes sodomoy from criminal code on 6 Mar. 1852, without explanation. As governor Brigham Young signs both laws. Due to absence of sodomy statue, Utah judge drops charges against soldier for raping LDS boy in 1864. Young claims Utah's legislators never criminalized sodomy and he declines to instruct them to do so for the next twlve years. Utah legislators criminalize sodomy in 1876 only because federally appointed governor asks them to adopt entire criminal code of California which has five-year imprisonment for sodomoy. For next twenty years LDS judges give 3-6 months of improsoniment to those convicted of homosexual rape, the same sentencing given to young males and females convicted of consensual fornication. Mormons of this era give no known explanations for any of these legislative and jurdicial actions/inactions.

17 MAr, 1851 - Brigham Young speaks in favor of Madison D. Hambleton who is being tried for shooting and killing man at LDS church services, immediately after closing prayer. The man "seduced" wife of Hambletone who is "acquitted by the Court and also by the Voice os the people present." Hambleton later becomes sheriff in Utah.

18 Oct, 1851 - Trial of confessed murderer (and newly returned-missinary) Howard Egan. His lawyer Apsotle George A. Smith popularizes phrase "mountain common law" and argues: "The man who seduces his neighbor's wife must die, and her nearest relative must kill him!" Fifteen minutes later jury finds Egan not guilty of murder. Church authorities print Smith's closing argument in Deseret News, in two church pamphlets, and later in Journal of Discourses 1:97. Egan is one of Brigham Young's enforcers.

24 July, 1853 - Brigham Young preaches, "The Father came down in his bodily tabernacle and begot Jesus."

19 Feb, 1854 - Seventy's president Jedediah M. Grant preaches: Did the Prophet Joseph want every man's wife that he asked for? He did not...."

16 July, 1854 - First counselor Heber C. Kimball recommends decapitation for adulterers and preaches from the pulpit concerning "unclean" women: "we wipe them out of exsistence."

8 Oct, 1854 - In what Apostle Wilford Woodruff describes as "the greatest sermon that ever was deliveed to the Latter Day Saints since they have been a people," Brigham Young announces from the pulpit: "I believe in Sisters marrying brothers, and brothers having their sisters for Wives. Why? because we cannot do otherwise. There are none others for me to and the opposite idea has resulted from the ignorant and foolish traditions of the nations of the earth." Young's secretary George D. Watt has already married his own half sister as a plural wife. Her letter to Young shows that he was initially "unfavorable" toward allowing them to marry, but this sermon reveals theological basis for Young's authorizing Watt's brother-sister marriage and the three children born of their union.

27 Apr, 1855 - Lieutenant in Colonel E. J. Steptoe's command in Salt Lake City writes to friend about his romance and near seduction of one of the wives of Brigham Young's son Joseph (who is on a mission): "Mary [Ayers] Young and I had to give up. Brigham sent me word that if I took her away he would have me killed before I could get out of the Territory. He is a man of his word and little matters of this sort are concluded, I had better not do it, although I went back to the city purposely to get her. We wrote each other affectionate notes."

27 Mar, 1857 - Brigham Young permits woman to select faithful elders to act as "proxy" to father children for her sexually impotent living husband. Young performs polyandrous ceremony "for time," and the relationship lasts for several years producting two sons, (1858, 1861). Mother's legal husband raises boys with her, and later tells them he loves them as much as if they were his natural sons. Both boys grow up to become devoted Mormons and polygamists. This is last knon case of authorized polyandry.

2 June, 1857 - Brigham Young says from the pulit, "I feel to sustain him," when informed that the bishop in Manti. Waren S. Snow, has castrated twenty-four-year-old Welchman, Thomas Lewis, for undisclosed sex crime. "Just let the matter drop, and say no more about it," Young writes Snow in July about the castration, "and it will soon die away among the people." Snow's counselor confides to his diary that this poor young man "has now gone crazy."

14 June, 1857 - At a prayer circle of the First Presidency and apostles, Brigham Young refuses to seal three young girls (ages 12 and 13) to "Father James Allred" (age 73) because they "would not be equally yoked together" in marriage.

27 Jan, 1858 - Judge Hosea Stout describes with no disaproval how Mormons "disguised as Indians" drag a man "out of bed with a whore and castrated him by a square and close amputation."

5 Apr, 1858 - Bishop of Payson, his brother the Sherriff, and sevral members of their LDS congregation join in shooting to death twenty-two-year-old Henry Jones and is mother, Mrs. Hannah Jones Hatch, for committing incest by which she has a daughter. The men also kill infant and also castrate brother/father. Perpetrators are indicted next year, but not brought to trial. When indicted again in 1889, Deseret News article criticizes trial of this "antiquated Payson homicide" as anti-Mormon crusade gainst those who were justifiably "digusted and greatly incensed" against "the brutal mother and son." Former sherriff is convicted of murder, former bishop is acquitted.

12 Sep, 1858 - Church historian's office notes discovery this morning of severed head of Provo woman who has been at U.S. military camp for a week. Six weeks earlier another woman's head is discovered. These are earliest verified examples of someone taking literally the repeated teachings of Mormon leaders that apostates and adulterers should have their heads "cut off" as "blood atonement" for their sins.

2 Jan, 1859 - Brigham Young begins custom of having all Mormon congregations sit with women on north side of center aisle, men on south side, and children on front benches. This seating arrangement lasts for decades, remains in temples to this day.

8 Oct, 1859 - Brigham Young from the pulpit tells bishops to give Melchizedek priesthood to eighteen-year old boys, even if they "have been sowing their wild oats for years."

8 July, 1860 - Brigham Young preaches from the pulpit, "Children are now born who will live until every son of Adam will have the privledge of receiving the principles of eternal life." He also preaches, "The birth of our Saviour was as natural as are the births of our children; it was the result of natural action."

23 Feb 1862 - Brigham Young preaches from the pulpit that the concept of Mother in Heaven is as essential as concept of Father in Heaven.

1 Aug 1862 - Brigham Young writes to a local bishop: "my advice is for bro james T.S. Allred to marry the Indian girl in question. It is written that 'not many generations shall pass away before they become a white and delightsome people.'" Dozens of men marry Native Americans as plural wives in pioner Utah and Arizona.

12 Apr, 1866 - Deseret News reports murder of S. Newton Brassfield on 2 Apr. He legally maries plrual wife of absent Mormon missionary, and Deseret News editorializes that "the illegaly married couple would probably have been suffered to prusue their way to their own liking," except that she filed for custody of her children. Deseret News also reports Brigham Young's sermon about the murdered Brassfield: "Were I absent from my home on a mission, I would rejoice to know that I had friends there to protect and guard the virtue of my household; and I would thank God for such friends."

19 Aug, 1866 - Brigham Young preaches from the pulpit: "Mary, the wife of Joseph, had another husband. On this account infidels have called the Savior a bastard... he was begotten by God our Heavenly Father." She was a polyandrist, like the women he authorized in 1857.

11 Dec, 1866 - Brigham Young, Jr. writes in his diary that "a nigger" is found dead in Salt Lake City with this note pinned to the cropse: "Let this be a warning to all niggers that they medle not with white women."

10 Jan, 1868 - Deseret News Editorial: "In this Territory we jealously close the door against adultery, seduction and whoredom. Public opinion here pronounces the penalty of death as the fitting punishment for such crimes."

4 Feb, 1868 - Deseret News editorializes that "it is a pity" LDS father did not succeed in killing his daughter's lover when the father "drew a revolver and shot him down in the court room."

5 MAr, 1868 - Deseret News article titled "Served Him Right" reports that a Gentile is given "sound thrashing" when he visits LDS meeting to see young woman.

15 Aug, 1869 - Apostle George Q. Canon preaches from the pulpit: "We close the door on one side, and say that whoredoms, seductions and adulteries must not be committed among us, and we say to those who are determined to carry on such things: WE WILL KILL YOU..."

27 Oct, 1869 - Brigham Young preaches at Lehi, Utah that "by marriage Lot's two daughters were sealed to him, and will be his to all eternity." Young adds that it might one day become necessary to seals a man's daughter to him as a wife, "but it is not likely ever again to occur." There are verified instances of LDS leaders performing polygamous marriages between men and their foster-daughters or step-daughters, but not actual daughters.

18 June, 1870 - First counselor George A. Smith tells Salt Lake School of the Prophets about "the evil of Masturbation" among Utah Mormons. Apostle Lorenzo Snow says that "Plural Marriage would tend to diminish this evil self-pollution," and he believes that "indulgence on the part of men was less in Plural marriage than in Monogomy." Elder George Reynolds (Secretary to Brigahm Young) also tells the School that "where Monogomy was the Law, it compelled a more frequent (sexual) cohabitation than is right and proper." Mormon medical books of the time advise sexual intercourse only once a month.

11 Sep, 1871 - Counselor Daniel H. Wells tells Grantsville School of the Prophets that "a great many of our young men are abusing themselves by the habit of self-pollution: or self abuse, or as the Bible terms it, Onanism," which he regards as "one great cause why so many of our young men were not married, and it was a great sin, and would lead to insanity and a premature grave." Polygamy is likelier cause for prevalence of bachelorhood in ninteenth-century Utah. First, every national census lists more males than females in Mormon population. Second, 10 to 40 percent of Mormon men marry polygamously which demographically requires bachelorhood in Utah's majority population of males.

16 Dec, 1871 - Seymor B. Young, son of senior Seventy's president, writes: "Salt Lake City has for the first time in its history houses of Ill fame almost on every corner."

27 Feb, 1872 - LDS publication Millenial Star editorial titled, "Motherhood of God," repeats a child's question: "Why don't you tell me about the Heavenly Mother? Don't she give us anything?" Editorial speaks of those who "yearn to adore her" and expresses approval of praying to "Father and Mother God." Editorial conclusion: "When we draw nearer the Divine Man, lo! we shall find a Divine Woman smiling upon us...In the Father's many mansions, we shall find her and be satisfied."

7 Mar, 1875 - Apostle Joseph F. Smith's wife writes to him that "you know how brother (Apostle) [Albert] Carrington thinks a deal of women." In Dec. 1882 Apostle John Henry Smith writes President John Taylor that maid at British Mission headquarters "found Bro. Carrington lying upon the lounge and Sarah Kirkman lying upon top him." Upon Brigham Young's inquiry about other women in 1873 and John Taylor's inquiry about Sarah Kirkham in 1883, Carrington denies serious wrongdoing. he is not excommunicated until 1885 when protests from Sarah's husband become too insistent to ignore.

24 June, 1876 - Brigham Young confides that it is "a curiousity to him that men could commit adultery and still retain the spirit of the Lord as he had witnessed on one occasion. The man is now dead."

26 Sep, 1877 - Grand Jury describes Salt Lake County probate court as a "divorce mill" which granted 300 divorces in previous twelve-month period, primarily on "grounds of incompatibility of temperment, different aims and objectives in life." Eighty percent of divorced couples come to Utah for divorces from such places as San Francisco, New York City, Chicago, Terre Haute, and St. Louis. Report finds that 13 percent of divorces are granted same day of complaint, total of 25 percent within week of application, and total of 85 percent are granted within a month of aplication. Report continues, "And your committee have good reason to beleive that other country probate courts of the territory are likewise engaged in this class of divorce business, to an equal if not greater extent." Two months later U.S. senator Dawes introduces bill to remove divorce from jurisdiction of Mormon probate courts and limit divorce cases to federally-appointed non-Momron judges.

13 June, 1878 - LDS political newspaper Salt Lake Herald's editorial on "Unhappy Marriages" begins: "We cannot say how many divorces the (Mormon) Utah probate courts have granted during the last few years, but the number is enormous, amounting to perhaps thousands."

8 Oct, 1881 - First Counselor George Q. Cannon tells general conference: "We hear now of men having got married to cover up certain things; of children born wonderfully soon after marriage in some of our setlements, and perhaps in this city no less than in our rural settlements."

31 Mar, 1883 - Apostle Brigham Young Jr. tells stake priesthood meeting: "There are many girls in Utah who have never had an offer of marriage from a man of the Church... Girls who marry outsiders are not worthy of the Sacrament."

9 Oct, 1883 - In several hours of meeting with stake presidents, First Presidency and apostles give instructions about "Masturbation...self-pollution of both sexes and excessive sexual indulgence in the married relation." This is the first-known Mormon referene to female masturabation.

7 Nov, 1885 - Quorum of Twelve excommunicates Apostle Albert Carrington "for crimes of lewd and lascivious conduct and adultery" with several women dating back to 1871. This is the first time since 1842 that a general authority is excommunicated for sexual misconduct, and its publication on 10 Nov. stuns the community.

27 Mar, 1886 - Polygamist husband confides in his personal diary: "How delicate is the position of a man in plural marriage who loves his wives and who in turn is loved by them. Every move he makes, in his relation or intercourse with them, is an arrow that pierces deep into the heart of one or other of them... A thousand thoughts and plans may come into his mind, but there is only one true solution. He must please God. In doing this, it may be hoped that by and by, he may also somehow please them."

15 July, 1886 - Apostle Lorenzo prophecises from the pulpit that in the future "brothers and sisters would marry each other in this church. All our horror at such a union was due entirely to prejudice, and the offspring of such unions would be as healthy and pure as any other. These were the decided views of President Young, when alive, for Bother Snow talked to him freely on this matter."

27 Dec, 1886 - Sarah M. Granger Kimball, counselor in Relief Society General Presidency teaches from the pulpit that "her brother Lafayette Granger and the late Bishop George Miller in conversation once with the prophet Joseph smith were told by him that when Mary the mother of Jesus was on her way to the hill country she was met by God the Father and the Angel Gabriel and the latter performed the marriage between Father (God) and Mary."

21 July, 1887 - Apostle Franklin D. Richards: "God the Father came down in his tabernacle of flesh and bone and had (sexual) association with Mary, and made her pregnant with Jesus."

27 Feb, 1889 - LDS politcial newspaper Salt Lake Herald's article titled, "FAILED MARRIAGES," regarding "the report of the Labor Commissioner Wright, presented last week, on the statistics of marriage and divorce in the United States from 1867 to 1886 inclusive," with following: In 1870 Utah had highest rate of divorce out of all states and territories. In 1870 Utah's rate was one divorce per 185 marriages. National averages was 1:664. States with lowest divorce rates are South Carolina at 1:4,938, Delaware at 1:123,672, New Mexico at 1:16,077, North Carolina at 1:4,938, and Louisiana at 1:4,579. In 1880 Utah had tenth highest rate of divorce out of all states and territories. In 1880 Utah's rate was one divorce per 219 marriages, wich was more than twice the national average of 1:479. In twentieth century, divorce rates for LDS temple marriages starts out three times higher than this "divorce mill" rate for early Utah civil marriages.

13 Mar, 1890 - Plural wife writes to her husband: "We are more like lovers than husband and wife for we are as far removed from each other - there is always the embarrassment of lovers and yet we have been married more than 37 years."

8 Sep, 1890 - Apostle John Henry Smith preaches from the pulput that "married people who indulge their passions for any other purpose than to beget children, really comitted adultery."

1 Oct, 1890 - An apostle asks "how the Son of God was begotten," and Lorenzo Snow tells apostles, "that he was begotten just the same as you and I were or as our sons today are."

2 Dec, 1890 - Apostle Lorenzo Snow tells the Quorum of Twelve that "he expects to see the day when a man's blood is shed again for the crime of adultery."

24 Mar, 1891 - Utah's chief justice Zane writes: "Polygamy has demoralized the people of Utah. I presume there are more sexual crimes here in proportion to the population than anywhere else."

6 Mar, 1892 - Stake president "condemns the practice that existed among the Saints to some extent of taking means to restrict the number of their children to only two or three."

20 Sep, 1896 - Seventy's president J. Golden Kimball preaches: "There are 500 girls who are public prostitutes in Salt Lake City. Some of these are daughters of Latter-Day Saints."

5 Nov, 1896 - Apostle Lorenzo R. Snow's youngest plural wife bears his last child in Canada. At age 82 he is the oldest general authority to father a child.

15 Jan, 1897 - Apostle Brigham Young Jr. temporarily resigns as vice-president of Brigham Young Trust Co. because first counselor George Q. Cannon allows its property to become "a first class" brotherl on Commercial Street (now Regent Street), Salt Lake City. Apostle Heber J. Grant is invited to its opening reception and is stunned to discover himself inside "a regular whore-house." This situation begins in 1891 and for fifty years church-owned and controled real estate companies lease houses of prostitution.

7 Oct, 1898 - At general conference Apostle John W. Taylor reports that in one rural area in Utah, 80 percent of LDS marrages involve pre-marital sex.

14 June, 1900 - First Presidency and apostles agree to give $3,600 to Brigham Y. Hampton for his prior "detective work" in which he paid prostitute to allow him and nearly thirty LDS "Home Missionaries" and policemen to spy on anti-Mormons engaging in sex acts in Salt Lake City brothels in 1885. Although first counselor denies it at this meeting, in private meetings of First Presidency George Q. Cannon refers to Hampton's brothel work as "services rendered the Church" and "work in behalf of the Church." Hampton has been set apart as a Salt Lake temple worker since 1893, and another coordinator of brothel spying is the temple doorkeeper (1893-1910).

10 July 1901 - Apostle Anthon H. Lund reports to apostles that during six-month period, 58 percent of LDS marriages in rural ward were "forced."

7 Nov, 1901 - First Presidency decides and announces that there is "no rule in the church forbidding cousins to intermarry" and that first cousins can have temple marriages if they present civil license. General authorities such as Brigham Young, Williard Richards, Joseph F. Smith and Abraham H.Cannon married their first cousins as legal and plural wives.

23 Nov, 1902 - Apostle John W. Taylor tells stake priesthood meeting that "those who have sexual intercourse with their wives or touch any dead body are unclean until the evening, and therefore during that day should not enter the temple or officiate in any ordinances of the gospel."

26 Mar 1903 - Joseph F. Smith tells apostles "there would be no daughters of perdition" in final judgment. General authorities authorize rebaptism without church discipline for young man who confesses "secret crime he committed in having to do with animals."

7 July, 1903 - Apostle Rudger Clawson tells other apostles "that the practice of self-abuse existed to an alarming extent among the boys in our community who attended the district schools, and also, he doubted not, the church schools. He felt that the boys and girls should be properly instructed in regard to this evil."

25 Oct, 1905 - Public criticism of Joseph F. Smith's remarks that Father Damien of Hawaiian leper colony was immoral before his death. LDS church president is convinced that leprosy is contracted through sexual contact.

9 May, 1913 - First Presidency learns that James Dwyer, co-founder of Salt Lake City's LDS University (now LDS Business College), has been "teaching young men that sodomy and kindred vices are not sins..." Dwyer's daughter, actress Ada Dwyer Russell, is already in long-term relationship with lesbian poet Amy Lowell. Dwyer's bishop and stake president want to excommunicate him, but First Presidency allows Dwyer, now in his eighties, to voluntarily "withdraw his name" from LDS church membership.

29 Sep, 1914 - Quorum of Twelve learns that mission president has "discovered that 15% of the missionary Elders in the Netherlands during the past two years, have been guilty of imoral practices, and that a much greater percentage of Elders have ben exposed to these evils."

8 June, 1941 - First Councelor J. Reuben Clark tells annual general conference of youth and their leaders: "When I was a boy it was preached from the stand, and my father and my mother repeated the principle to me time and time again. They said, 'Reuben, we had rather bury you than have you become uchaste.' And that is the law of this true Church."

26 Jan, 1842 - First Councelor J. Reuben Clark tells reporter for Look Magazine: "Our divorces are piling up." Church Historian's Office in 1968 compiles divorce statistics since 1910 for temple marriages, "church civil" marriages, and "other civil" marriages. Although temple marriages have lowest divorce rate of the three categories, in 1910 there was one "temple divorce" for every 66 temple marriages performed that year., 1:41 in 1915, 1:34 in 1920, 1:27 in 1925, 1:30 in 1930, 1:23 in 1935, 1:27 in 1939, 1:17 in 1945, 1:31 in 1950, 1:30 in 1955, 1:19 in 1960 and 1965. Last rate for temple divorce is almost ten times higher than Utah's civil divorce rate century earlier.

2 Oct, 1952 - Second Counselor J. Reuben Clark warns women of Relief Society general conference against "self-pollution," prostitution, and "homosexuality, which it is tragic to say, is found among both sexes." He cautions LDS women against allowing homsexually oriented males to use them as male-substitutes in dating or marriage: "I wonder if you girls have ever reflected on the thought that was in the mind of the man who first began to praise you for your boyish figures." Clark also tells the ladies, "I forebear to more than mention that abomination and filth and loathsomeness of the ancients - carnal knowledge with beasts." Church Relief Society magazine publishes this talk in full.

21 May, 1959 - Executive committee of Church Board of Education discusses "the growing problem in our society of homosexuality." Spencer W. Kimball reports that David O.McKay has said "that in his view homosexuality was worse than heterosexual imorality; that it is a filthy and unnatural habit."

12 Feb, 1964 - First Presidency letter that all prosepctive missionaries "found guilty of fornication, of sex perversion, of heavy petting, or of comparable transgressions should not be recommended until the case has been discussed with the bishop and stake president and the visiting General Authority."

7 Jan, 1969 - First Presidency secretary Joseph Anderson answers letter about "the Church's stand pertaining to birth control," with the concluding statement: "After all, however, the bretheren recognize that this is a personal matter involving the individuals concerned, and concerning which they must make their own decision."

14 April, 1969 - First Presidency makes official statement on birth control which omits any reference to their own feelings about birth control as "a personal matter," and states: "We believe that those who practice birth control will reap dissapointment by and by," and repeated earlier letter's emphasis on "self control as a dominant factor" in marriage.

9 June, 1978 - First Presidency letter instructs that interviews of married persons "should scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries," yet also emphasizes: "Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such pratices." This reverses position of First Presidency proir to Spencer W. Kimball's ascendancy.

17 June, 1978 - Church News headline "Interracial Marriage Discouraged" in same issue which announces authorizaton of priesthood for those of black African descent. Sources at church headquarters indicate that Apostle Mark E. Petersen requires this emphasis.

Sep 1981 - Branch presidents at the Missionary Training Center in Provo receive 21-point handout to help "both male and female" misionaries avoid masturbation. Point 19: "In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken." In May 1995 article about masturbation, national magazine "Details" publishes seventeen of the recommendations and identifies Apostle Mark E. Petersen as author of "Steps in Overcoming Masturbations: A Guide to Self-Control." In 1996, spokesman at LDS headquarters denies that Elder Petersen authored this document and denies that it was ever distributed.

5 Jan, 1982 - First Presidency repeats its 1978 instructions for "interviewing married persons," but adds: "The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure or unholy practice."

15 Oct 1982 - First Presidency instruction to all stake and mission leaders that many letters from church members "indicate clearly that some local leaders have been delving into private, sensitive matters beyond the scope of what is appropriate.... Also, you should never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife." Letter continues that even if a church member volunteers such intimate information, "you should not persue the mater but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety about the propriety of the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to discontinue it." In response to widespread complaints from married couples being asked if they have oral sex, this returns First Presidency stance to what it was prior to presidency of Spencer W. Kimball, now incapacitated.

4 Mar, 1983 - Salt Lake Tribune reports lawsuit filed in February against LDS church for $28 million. A father blames LDS bishop for contributing to his sixteen-year-old son's suicide for conseling his son "that masturbation is a terrible sin.. and being a normal adolescent in the puberty state, KIP ELIASON became increasingly less able to reconcile his sexual desires with the strict doctrines of the said LDS Church. He became filled with self-hate."

15 Apr, 1983 - "University Post: The Unofficial Newspaper of Brigham Young University" reports interview with director of Standards Department. He acknowledges that students suspected of cheating, illegal drug use, stealing, or homosexuality are expelled from BYU if they refuse to take polygraph examination. BYU Security has licensed polygraph examiner.

4 Apr, 1987 - First Counselor Gordon B. Hinckley tells priesthood session of general conference that "marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices..." This reverses decades-long church policy formulated by Spencer W. Kimball.

9 Aug 1991 - Salt Lake Tribune article, "Of LDS Women, 58% Admit Premarital Sex."

An Egyptologist's comments on Joseph Smith's "translations"

02/23/2002 - Randy J

Peruse this photo of the broadside that was published in Kirtland to advertise the Book of Mormon for sale. The import of that broadside is that it depicts the "characters" that Joseph Smith claimed were examples of those on the "gold plates." Some modern "Mopologists" attempt to question the authenticity of those "characters" (commonly called the "Anthon transcript,"), because they correspond to no known ancient language, let alone any form of Hebrew or Egyptian. The 1830's broadside refutes the Mopologists' theory of inauthenticity, because it was published in Kirtland, under the auspices of Smith & Co., therefore establishing the "characters' " chain of custody from Smith onwards. The facsimiles' failure to correspond to any ancient language is physical evidence of the fraudulence of Smith's entire "gold plates" claim.

For a broader discussion of this evidence go to: The Mormons and Egyptology by Juan Jose Castillos.

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