If only I possessed such a "Truth-o-matic" when I was dealing documents with that honest and sincere impersonator, Mark Hofmann!"
President Hinckley lamented. "That Urim and Thummim in the First Presidency's Vault was useless. I mean, what was a
prophet to do?" Hinckley kept murmiring.
"We tested one of the more popular models of the "Truth-o-matic" and got marvelous and wonderful results, both in the system's
ability to detect people actually engaged in deception and in its ability to exclude those who are just totally
and completely brainwashed," said Daniel Seer Peterson, an associate professor of Forensic Analysis of Righteous Mormon
Subjects - FARMS - at Brigham Young University.
Peterson's study assessed the ability of "Truth-o-matic" software that evaluates credibility through
slight variations in a person's speech, to detect deception in a number of different scenarios. Participants were
questioned using different forms of ecclesiatical interrogation and under conditions inducing various levels of stress, guilt
and shame.
Telestial Technologies president and CEO, Paul Dunn, Jr. proudly explained the development of "especial software" tailored
to LDS needs. "Just turn your "Truth-o-matic" dial to the "LDS" setting and your results will be displayed as either; spinning,
lying by omission, false revelation, bald face lie, faith promoting rumor or covering one's ass." Dunn boasted.
Elder Boyd Packer was quick to add that "Truth-o-matics" will not be allowed inside the Conference Center during General
Conference. "We want our dear brethren and sistern to fine tune their own spirit of discernment rather than rely on
technology that is far more reliable. Guesswork keeps them humble." Packer instructed.
Elder Packer also admonished users of their "Truth-o-matics" not to take advantage of the vibrator mode while keeping the
device in their pants pocket, "Now brethren, we are not to be sneaking any pleasure while laboring for the Lord."
The Holy Ghost was unavailable for comment but was rumored to be looking forward to a much deserved vacation after years of
24x7 duty without a break.
Monday May 2, 2005
"The Brethren confirm the inspiration and revelation from Richard Edelman promoting the new "Tailgating for Telestials
Program." We've designed this program to de-escalate the rage and disgust exhibited by excluded parents, family members and friends of young
LDS brides and grooms being married inside the temple," boasted President Hinckley, world leader of the one million temple
recommended holding Mormons.
The increase in law suits, public protests and seething letters to the editor of the Deseret News seems to have brought
the Brethren's attention to this pressing matter.
Bob and Barbara Bennett of Santa Monica, California represent many of these livid parents.
The Bennett's sent their only daugther off to college where she met Mormon missionaries, converted
to the religion, later on met a young Mormon man and recently married him in the Portland, Oregon temple. Not being LDS,
the Bennett's were coldly refused entrance at the temple door while their precious daughter was inside being married
without them. Totally devastated they vowed to raise "holy hell" over the matter.
The Bennett's mustered forces with many other excluded parents who contend that the "family centered Mormons" are in
reality an anti-family cult.
The ploy of blasting out the popular Primary song, "Families Can Be Forever Together" through loud speakers to move the
crowd into a reverent mood seemed to backfire on the Brethren. The tailgaters all blasted back Sister Sledge's hit
song "We Are Family."
Several other General Authorities tip toed through the temple tulips with their mantra, "What goes on inside the temple
is not secret but sacred" in efforts to smooze and appease the tempestuous temple tale gaters. Paul H. Dunn was on hand
saying how much this current conflict reminded him of his days in the "War in Heaven."
With the talegaters becoming even more aggitated Elder Packer placed an emergency order to the Bishop's Storehouse for dozens
of hot dogs and hamburger patties to be dispersed free of charge just as Jesus fed the multitude fish and chips in times
of yore.
Just when the tawdry talegaters were about to "tar and feather" Elder Packer with mayonnaise, mustard, castsup and
pickles, the first brides and grooms of the day emerged from the temple for their family photos on the steps of the temple.
The much relieved Elder Packer immediately fired off a memo to all future wedding parties to have the brides and grooms
take
endowments out the day before the wedding and then return the following day for a "quickie sealing session" so that he,
the other General Athorities and Church Security would not have to risk life and limb in crowd controling the
testy temple gaters.
Tuesday April 26, 2005
Church defender Richard Turley added, "And that should settle the matter for all faithful Latter-day Saints". When asked follow-up questions, Turley grew agitated and began shouting, "The end! I ALREADY SAID THAT SHOULD SETTLE THE MATTER! The end".
Sometime church critic Tom Kimball, publicist for Signature Books, commented, "I don't understand how the Church can demand that a line of inquiry stop dead after two steps with another one of their snappy little comments, when it seems that there are another eight steps to go. This is an important issue. The Church may or may not have made some major mistakes during World War II, and that may or may not shed light on some of its claims for itself - like the one about Hinckley being in direct contact with Jesus, THE RESURRECTED JEW. But we won't really know unless the Church permits thinking and inquiry and questions".
In a surprise move, Turley immediately informed Kimball that he will be summoned to a "Court of Love" to answer for his crimes. Apostle Dallin Oaks later noted, in reference to the Kimball case, that "in the Church, there is no loyal opposition, especially not on the Nazi question - and as Bro. Turley said, that should settle the matter for all faithful Latter-day Saints. No questions about what it is about Mormonism that may have led many of our German leaders and members to feel it was a perfectly acceptable fit with Nazism will be permitted. Excommunication will ensue if any dare raise the issue".
When contacted for a follow-up, Turley repeated, "and that should settle the matter for all faithful Latter-day Saints" before hanging up the phone.
In other news, church members continue to secretly long for the day when the Church will hold the reins of political power. "If only the Council of 50 could run this country, it'd be heaven on arth", said LeRoy P. Jensen of Murray, Utah. "Everything'd be done right, once and for all - just like the foundin' fathers said they was to be done. We might could be the freest country in the world, specially once the Jews all get baptized so's the Lard can bless us lots more. We already know the prophet can't lead us astray, so it'll be wonderful once he gets to control the whole country. There won't be no need for no more arguing or nothin'. All we'll need to do is obey".
Monday March 7, 2005
Church spokesman, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated that "The Church is moving forward to purchase this wondrous creature. We have seen the photographic evidence of living proof that the Jaredites had these animals."
Cureloms and Cumoms are two mysterious animals mentioned in the Book of Mormon that have caused much consternation among members. Critics of the Church have continued to point to Ether 9:19 and state that no such animals exist nor have ever existed. This difficulty has been one factor in the recent rise in membership resignations and significant loss of revenues for the Church as a whole.
Elder Thomas S. Monson, First Counselor to the President of the Church issued the following statement for bishops to read in the next Sacrament meeting.
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
It is truly wonderful that a Cumom has been found alive. This should now put to rest any doubt that the Book of Mormon is true. For too long have so-called scientists and intellectuals pointed to Ether 9:19 and said that there are no such animals.
Early in the history of the Church, we have received revelation about cureloms and cumoms which included a definitive statement of what a curelom is.
In Ether 9:19 we read, "And they also had horses, and asses, and there were elephants, and cureloms, and cumoms; all of which were useful unto man, and more especially the elephants, and cureloms, and cumoms"
Thus, we know that cureloms and cumoms were especially USEFUL to the ancient inhabitants.
By way of modern revelation as is recorded in the Journal of Discourses we have statements by Elder Orson Pratt. "After they [the Jaredites] had come down into this valley by the command of the Lord they collected seeds and grain of every kind, and animals of almost every description, among which, no doubt, were the elephant and the curelom and the cumom, very huge animals that existed in those days, and after travelling and crossing, we suppose, the sea that was east of where the Tower of Babel stood, and travelling through the wilderness many days, with their flocks and herds, their grain and substance, they eventually came to the great Pacific ocean, on the eastern borders of China or somewhere in that region" (Orson Pratt, JoD 12:339-340).
Now we know that cureloms and cumoms were very HUGE animals.
"Now to prepare them against these contingencies, and that they might, have fresh air for the benefit of the elephants, cureloms or mammoths and many other animals, that perhaps were in them, as well as the humans …" (Orson Pratt, JoD 12:340).
Now we know thru modern revelation that cureloms were mammoths. The Jaredites transported them in their barges somewhere near 2200BC. Let not the so-called scientists discourage you when they insist that the mammoth was extinct some 6,000 years before the Jaredites. We know they still existed because it is recorded in sacred scripture.
The Brethren have met and examined the photograph. We have prayed for guidance from Heavenly Father and we testify that this photograph is true. The animal depicted is, indeed, a cumom. The Church is moving forward to purchase the animal which will be moved to the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City as soon as space can be made for the new addition.
When asked about Elder Pratt's statements in the Journal of Discourses, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "I don't know that we ever taught that."
Monday March 7, 2005
"His legacy can now be cryrogenically sealed and
preserved. We can still go to him for snappy
apological answers to questions about the veracity of
the Chruch.", commented Steve B Younger, offical
poster spokesperson. "We don't need to come up with
such answers to Lamanite DNA, Jose Smithy, Breedem Young, etc.
All we do is punch in the question on our Urine and
Thumb-in Computer and the Computer then translates
what Ugh is thinking.", he said.
Church Officals also announced a new gallery that will
include a free mini-bar of alcohol-free and caffeine
free beverages. For a small fee of 10% of monthly
gains, the Chruch will allow one question to randomly
selected gospel questions that seem to have no logical
answer. Chruch Officials are also planning a
World-Tour with Ugh that will include President Gordo
B. Hinckster, Thommy T. Monsoon and Gladys Knightess
sans the Pipps.
"Having Ugh presented on a platter will certainly
bolster Chruch faith and provide inspiration for
others. With current technology we should be able to
keep this up until Jesus comes back for his Reunion
Tour.", commented Chruch Officials.
Other famous Mormons stopping by the Church Orifice Building to pay their tithing and respects to Brother Nibbler included: Hugh Grant, Hugh Hefner, Hugh Jackman, Hugh Downs, Baby Hugh-ey and Hugh E. Long. Music and entertainment was provided by Hugh E. Lewis and the News.
Sunday March 6, 2005
Several analysts have pointed out that while other religious groups
have taken positions on human cloning, the LDS Church had yet to issue
a formal policy. “Because of the sacred mission of the Church, we chose
to keep our intentions hidden from a world not yet ready to accept the
revelation,” explained Elder Thomas S. Monson of the First Presidency.
“The Lord has blessed us with the true knowledge of cloning. Indeed, it
is the same method by which the elect of God will one day populate
worlds without number.”
According to a press release distributed by the Church, the missionary
department was chosen for the first implementation of the cloning
program because of a sharp decline in the number of eligible young men
and women. “Decreased birthrate among active Mormon families, combined
with an epidemic of pornography addiction and apathy, have left us in a
bind,” said Elder Monson. “So the Lord instructed us to gather together
the most valiant young Saints of this most valiant generation and
duplicate them. What you see before you today,” declared Elder Monson,
gesturing to what appeared to be 20 sets of identical octuplets in
suits and name tags, “are the first fruits of this divinely inspired
work.”
“Once our global network of cloning facilities is fully operational,
the missionary program will become unnecessary, since the Church can
simply clone all the members it needs,” continued Elder Monson. “In
fact, we foresee a day when reproduction by conventional methods will
no longer be necessary. This will help clear up the long-standing
problem in the Church of mixed messages about sex. Once we can clone
Mormons, we can greatly simplify things by totally banning sex, which,
while being ordained of the Lord, is shameful and dirty.”
A report leaked by undisclosed sources states that while perfecting
the cloning process the Church’s geneticists were also able to isolate
the genes for gullibility, guilt and unblinking obedience, which make
belief in Mormonism possible. All potential cloning cells are screened
to make sure those genes are present. According to a confidential
informant, “They don’t want to be wasting their resources breeding any
potential skeptics, slackers, malcontents or apostates.”
Elder Monson ended by saying things were in place so that the Restored
Gospel of Jesus Christ® could finally roll forth to fill the entire
Earth. “I know we’ve said that before, but this time we really mean
it.”
Missionary Cloning Program Experiences Devastating Setback
PROVO, UTAH – Just days after its announcement, the future of the LDS
Church’s Missionary Cloning Program is in doubt.
Wednesday morning, emergency medical teams from all over Utah Valley,
as well as some from as far away as Salt Lake City, converged on the
Missionary Cloning Center in Provo. According to officers on the scene,
many of the cloned missionaries started convulsing during morning
study. By the time medical teams arrived, 143 of the 160 clones had
died. Six more died in transit to Utah Valley Medical Center. The
remaining eleven missionaries are on life support.
hurch authorities have declined comment beyond stating that the Lord
must have had a higher calling for the former missionaries.
Dr. Warren T. Summerlinder, a geneticist at the University of Utah
Medical School, cautions that it’s too early to know what caused the
sudden deaths. “I have a hunch though,” Dr. Summerlinder offered.
“Clones are fragile things, yet these unfortunate missionaries were
subjected to intense training and indoctrination from the moment they
were artificially conceived. There’s only so much Mormonism you can
cram into someone before his head explodes.”
Thursday February 24, 2005
An extreme example of this has been unveiled with newly called apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf baring his testimony and his body as a promotional campaign to take the expense out of frequent and faithful temple attendance for the faithful Latter-day tithe payers.
Elder Boyd K. Packer, acting-like-he’s president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles exerted his usual unrighteous dominion and bypassed the First Presidency by sending out the following announcement for all bishops to read in the next Sacrament Meeting.
Effective immediately, garments are no longer sanctioned by the Church and are to be replaced by permanent endowment markings tattooed into the skin above the nipples, below the navel and above the right knee.
After prayerful consideration the Lord has revealed to me this new policy because:
1. The Church can longer afford to pay those expensive unionized workers at Beehive Clothing.
2. The Church has been losing millions a year subsidizing the real cost of garments for endowed members.
3. The Church would out-source production of garments to third world child labor sweat shops, but we’d get caught and have to pay our public relations firm Edelman World Wide another ten million a year for damage control.
4. Only ten percent of endowed church members bother to wear their garments day and night anyway, so what’s the big deal?
5. With the sign of the square, the compass, the navel and the knee tattooed onto their bodies members can pretend they are protected from drive by shootings, hot oil spills, motor vehicle accident injuries, puncture wounds and especially those sunburns at the local nudist colony.
6. The Brethren won’t have to answer thousands of bothersome letters from members asking special permission to enjoy sex without the garments on.
7. With a more fleshy experience in bed now, the low Born-in-the-Covenant birthrate should reverse as members once again multiply and replenish the earth.
8. The new temple movie depicting Adam and Eve wearing only tattooed temple signs instead of garments sewn out of skins will draw patrons in by the thousands. Who knows, patrons may even stay awake during the session?
9. The Corporation of the President can make millions by licensing the tattoo business through our privately held Temple Tattoos, Inc.
All those who have read or heard this will now bow your head and say “yes.”
Elder Uchtdorf added that he is very proud to serve as the official spokesman-model for a new Word of Wisdom cereal produced on Church Welfare Farms called “Celestial K.” “Just look at me! I’m a fine example of the health in the navel, marrow in the bones and strength in the loins and the sinews that one can enjoy from eating Celestial K once each morning. Except fast Sundays, of course.”
In one scenario, for example, participants were questioned about a their Home Teaching or Visiting Teaching Statistics
and voice analysis correctly identified deception in 100 percent of participants. In another experiment, Peterson
induced high levels of stress by having participants answer Temple Recommend questions after being injected with
Sodium Amytal (truth serum). Again the results were 100 percent deceptive.
Elder Boyd Packer, second in line for Hinckley's prophethood wasted no time in mixing and mingling with Telestials around
the temple lawn and parking lot which is the same area that used to be Salt Lake City's Main Street. Packer actually crack
a smiled as he shook hands
with the unworthy, stiff-necked and wicked, extending the Lord's personal greetings from His special witness. "I have a
testimony of temple tailgating," Packer beamed. "We want you to have good time so fire up those barbeques but leave the
booze at home," warned Packer.
Dear Brothers and Sisters,