Bearing the signature of Mormon Prophet Joseph Smith
himself as well as many other early Mormon Church
leaders and American founding fathers, and written in
ink that appears to be the kind that would have been
used in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries,
these letters proclaim Hoffmann’s complete innocence of
all the crimes with which he was charged.
As if to
add emphasis, under what appears to be the signature
of President George Washington a note is scrawled: “I
know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my good friend
Mark would never do such a terrible thing. For more
information regarding this matter, please contact me
at 1st_US_prez@hotmail.com.”
In a press release posted yesterday on the Church’s
official website www.lds.org, President Hinckley
announced that the documents “certainly looked and
smelled old enough” and that he had “seen those
signatures somewhere before.” Adding that since the
founding fathers were called of God to establish a
country dedicated to justice for all, and that they
had all been baptized posthumously in the St. George
temple and were now members of the LDS Church, he felt
comfortable accepting their declarations at face
value. He also assured church members that no tithing
funds were used for the purchase of the letters.
While moving Hofmann from his cell into a temporary
processing facility, prison guards discovered a small
homemade chemical lab, a toaster oven, and several
sheets of old paper that had apparently been ripped
out of the backs of the prison library’s older books.
When confronted with the discovery Warden Shumway
stated that although during his tenure as warden he
has tried his best to encourage prisoners to develop
and pursue their hobbies, and while he supports
Hoffman’s healthy interest in chemistry and reading of
classic literature, he simply cannot allow state
property to be damaged without holding the offender
responsible.
The warden has promised a full investigation and declared that as much as two dollars
may be deducted from Hofmann’s prison earnings as a janitor to pay for the senseless damage.
Wednesday December 1, 2004
Dear Father, who art in heaven, polluted be Thy air.
Whatever its effects on your spirit, spending lots of time down at the Ward House may be bad for your lungs, according to a new study out of Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. Researchers religiously measured air quality in a small chapels, stake centers, the Tabernacle the Salt Lake Temple and the Conference Center.
Using sensitive scientific detectors the BYU researchers found levels of particulate matter up to 20 times higher than minimal Environmental Protection Agency safety standards. They also found high levels of free radicals -- not apostates or free thinking Latter-day Saints, but highly reactive
molecules that inflame lung and nostril tissue. The BYU scientists trace the problem to poorly ventilated church buildings where burning bosoms frequently ignite spewing forth patriarchal particulates.
Further epidemiological studies discovered that LDS members' gastro-intestinal tracts often contain leathal levels of molecular carcinogens created from the digestive combination of Coca Cola, Prozac, Postum and home ground whole wheat. After three hours of "block schedule" time or two hours of General Conference, the flatulance released is not only flamable but deadly to self and others.
In the mean time BYU professor Mel Odorous, while admitting that the rank and file are often more "rank" than file, advises chapel cleaning volunteers, choir members and leadership meeting attenders to carry oxygenized olive oil for emphysema like emergencies. Professor Odorous wondered why Joseph Smith did not include indoor air quality as part of the inspired Word of Wisdom. "Why eat and drink
healthy when you're at increased risk of lung and throat cancer from attending so many damn church meetings?" the good professor muttered.
The BYU study is part of a growing cloud of research on the long-neglected subject of indoor air pollution, which can be more harmful than outdoor air and which is regulated poorly, if at all. A testimony moratorium may be all that's left to save the Saints from themselves.
Sunday September 26, 2004
In an unprecedented move, the General Authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have officially endorsed the football program of the University of Utah. Claiming the program as their own, they have officially abandoned the football program at BYU.
Meeting in front of the Park Building at the University of Utah, church officials confirmed what had earlier been denied by BYU coach Gary Crowton, that the church has in fact thrown its support behind the University of Utah, which apostle Boyd K. Packer was quick to note was once the University of Deseret.
When confronted about his former support of BYU’s football program, President Hinckley commented, “I don’t know that we have ever supported that program, I don’t think we have emphasized that support, certainly not recently.”
Presiding Bishop H. David Burton was more emphatic when he stated, “if BYU thinks they can put a Crowton offense on the field and then sell you caffeine free cola, their spirit of discernment has gone bye-bye.” “I’m responsible for the temporal well-being of the church.” “Having Lavell Edwards Stadium look like a repeat of the Athens Olympics is not consistent with our plans for world domination.”
Upon hearing the news of this endorsement, coach Gary Crowton was seen inside of Lavell Edwards Stadium sobbing uncontrollably uttering, “et tu Gordo” repeatedly. Rushed away in a padded ambulance, the family attorney for the Crowtons said there is no comment at this time.
McKay, in the center imitating Sir William Wallace’s cry of “freedom” from the movie “Braveheart” yells “CROWTON!” while his religion major room-mate Spencer nibbles on the lead-based body paint he got at Costco. Nephi’s only comment was “Does that dude on row 8 have facial hair, wait a minute, that’s a coed.”
Stunned, yet honored by the news, U of U coach Urban Meyer welcomed the support and endorsement. “You know if Notre Dame offers me their job, I’ll be in a real pickle”, Urban noted. “I’ve heard the church has a couple of openings and you know, there have been several Popes named Urban.” “Perhaps it’s time for an Urban apostle.”
Responding to this move, Mormon critic and BYU alum Steve Benson commented, “this is the typical kind of bandwagoning and mainstreaming you see in the modern Mormon church.” “Hell, if they thought endorsing the Oakland Raiders would improve their image, they’d jump on that bandwagon as well.” “In fact, I can picture it now, some Raider fan dressed like Darth Vader wearing a green apron and a baker’s cap.”
Speaking on behalf of BYU, acting Athletic Director Fred (Clingon jr.) Skousen commented, “this is a sure sign the end is near.” “We find in the Book of Revelations that in the last days that ‘the first shall be last and the last shall be first.’” “With this reversal of football fortunes, how more definitive can you get.” “To paraphrase President Kimball, ‘if you haven’t got your years supply of food by now, it is too late.’”
Sunday August 15, 2004
Elder Richard G. Scott of the First Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was seen by several citizens
at the Bikini Cuts Salon in Sandy, Utah. News sources indicate he received
a hair cut.
Bethany Prince, president, owner and hair stylist at Bikini Cuts, confirms the report and stated that he
entered the salon "in disguise," apparently not wanting to be recognized.
"He wore an overcoat and a hat which I thought was very unusual since it was
at least ninety degrees outside," said Prince an exclusive interview. "Once
inside, he removed his coat and hat and sat in my chair."
Prince talked to Elder Scott and noticed he tried to also disguise his voice. "Imagine
his regular slow and monotone voice but add to that a German accent. That's what
it sounded like," said Prince. According to Prince he said, "Yaw,...za...trim...of...za...hair...vould...be...goot."
Although Elder Scott wanted a trim, he appeared preoccupied with the workers and
the facilities. "He kept looking around and I had to keep slapping him and
telling him not to move his head," said Prince. "I was very irritated."
The sighting of Elder Scott was confirmed by several bystanders. "I couldn't
believe it," said Mark Seamons of Sandy, Utah, "I just about fell over
when I saw Elder Scott getting up out of the chair." When asked about his
appearance, Seamons replied, "Well...at least his hair wasn't standing up."
Church officials refused to comment on the sighting; however, an anonymous church
insider revealed to us that Elder Scott was recently placed on the LDS church's
"Strengthening Church Morals" committee. Our source stated that the
committee was formed to help members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints keep high standards and morals.
Our church insider stated, "The LDS church often sends out spies to check out
certain individuals and facilities to see what exactly is going on. They want
first hand information. The information is then discussed with the Twelve Apostles
and the First Presidency of the Church. They often will use video and audio devices
as well." It is unknown if Elder Scott used such devices at Bikini Cuts.
LDS church member Nancy Mullins supports Elder Scott. "Jesus walked among
the scum...the sinners...the revolting trash of society," she said. "I'm
sure Elder Scott was doing the same thing in hopes of influencing them for good."
Others, however ,disagree, "I think he just wanted to be around scantily dressed
women," said Bishop Jack Stevenson. "I totally understand it. It's
actually quite natural."
Although the underlying motivation for Elder Scott's visit to Bikini Cuts may be
unknown at this time, our sources indicate that there may be more information forthcoming
at the LDS General Conference in October. Elder Scott is scheduled to speak.
Sunday August 15, 2004
Provo - A Orem couple has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against
the B Y Zoo for emotional distress following an incident on July 23, 2004. According
to the family, the zoo allowed a male and female pair of monkeys to "openly
mate" in front of their children, thereby causing undue "emotional distress"
for the couple's two children aged ten and seven.
"It was totally inappropriate," said Sandra Becker, mother of the children.
According to Becker, the children were running ahead of their parents to the monkey
exhibit when the incident occurred. "When we caught up to our children, I was
totally shocked at what I saw and heard in that exhibit."
Becker said that they have tried to protect their children from vulgarity. "What
happened at the Zoo is an attack on our family values and religious beliefs."
The Beckers are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Mrs. Becker said her daughter has suffered the most, often running into her parent's
bedroom at night screaming about a monkey that is after her. According to Becker,
the nightmares still persist.
Even the Beckers seven-year-old son has not escaped the trauma. "Our son has
become totally withdrawn," said Becker. "He used to love our pet beagle,
but now he won't even touch him."
B Y Zoo spokesperson, Ronald Olsen, admits the incident occurred. "It's
very difficult to prevent something like this from happening in a zoo of this size,"
said Olsen. "Even if we separate the males from females, there can still be
problems." Olsen may have been referring to an incident at LDS owned "This is
the Place Heritage Park" in June when a church group was traumatized by witnessing
two male donkeys having sexual contact.
Even isolating animals may not work. According to zoo records an incident occurred
in May involving an LDS eighty-year-old woman. The unidentified woman was near the
Orangutan exhibit when the animal "satisfied himself" while staring at
her. She fainted as was taken by ambulance to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City where
she received oxygen and was later released.
"It's just nature at work," said Olsen. "There's really no way to
totally shield ourselves and our children from natural occurrences." Daniel
Becker, the children's father, disagrees.
"What happened at the zoo is criminal, in my opinion," Becker said. "If
those were two human beings in that cage doing those things, the zoo would be charged
with sexual abuse. Children, and even adults for that matter, should not be exposed
to those acts."
The Beckers are suing for an undisclosed amount of money, although they have stated
that it's in the millions. "Even a million dollars will not come close to offsetting
the damage done by this incident," said Sandra Becker. "My children are
ruined for life."
Sunday August 15, 2004
A bill which will make it a criminal offense to "have control"
of an animal that engages in lewd or sexually explicit "acts" in the view
of persons under the age of eighteen has been sponsored by Utah County legislator,
Burton Cummings.
The bill is in response to an incident that occurred at the zoo on June 23rd when
several children witnessed monkeys engaged in sexual activity. According to the
parents of the children, the incident caused serious "emotional harm"
and they felt it violated their values and religious rights. They are members
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They have since filed a multi-million
dollar lawsuit against the zoo, which is still pending.
"We cannot have this evil behavior in full view of our children," Cummings
declared. "Once children witness these acts, they are ruined emotionally and
spiritually for life."
The bill, which has the support of a majority of LDS legislators, will make it
a criminal offense for an animal under a person's jurisdiction to engage in outward
sexually explicit behavior. The bill will include all places in Utah that house
animals of any kind. Cummings said that the bill will also include private homeowners.
"You are not exempt from the bill," Cummings said. "If you have
a dog that is acting out sexually in full view your children or the neighbors, you
are in violation of the law." Violators of the law can expect prison time
of up to 20 years without the possibility of parole and a fine of up to $25,000.
The bill also include penalties for the animals that engage in the prohibited behavior.
They may get "up to life" in a secured kennel. Asked whether this meant
we would have "animal prisons" Cummings stated, "That will be up
to the legislature to work out."
Some legislators have concerns about the bill. Representative Howard Stevens
of Draper said that it would be virtually impossible to completely control the behavior
of animals and he questions the harm such animal behavior can have. However,
others claim this bill is long overdue.
Dr. Albert Morris, an LDS psychiatrist, treats patients who have been traumatized
sexually. "I have personally seen several men who have developed severe emotional
and sexual problems stemming directly from witnessing animal sex acts as children,"
said Morris. "One view of such behavior at a critical time in development
may cause irreversible damage."
The bill will be hotly debated in the next legislative session where it is expected
to be passed by a majority of legislators.
In a related story:
The Evergreen Animal Clinic, which specializes in the treatment of animals
with sexual dysfunctions, will officially open their doors on August first. The
clinic is not officially connected with the LDS church, but maintains that it follows
the LDS principles and standards.
The clinic was developed in response to claims of animal sexual behaviors that
have been witnessed by citizens of Utah including impressionable children. Recently,
a lawsuit was filed by a South Jordan family after they had witnessed monkeys in
the zoo engaged in sexual intercourse. Similarly, an incident occurred at the LDS
owned This is the Place Heritage Park where donkeys of the same sex engaged in sexual
activity that was witnessed by members of a church group.
"We cannot have animals who have been possessed by the devil to engage in
this disgusting behaviors in full view of our children," said Gayle Ruzuki
of the Eagle Gate Commission. "It would be better for the animal to be eliminated
than for a whole generation of children to be corrupted in their development."
Ruzuki and her group has put pressure on state lawmakers to draft a bill which
would make it a criminal offense to have "jurisdiction" over an animal
that engages openly in sexual behavior. Ruzuki has also pushed for a clinic to
deal with inappropriate animal behaviors.
Cathy Hinkle, director of the Evergreen Animal Clinic, states that animals can
be treated as easily as people for sexual problems. "Animals have urges
and feelings just like us. Sometimes their environment will cause an animal to
act unnaturally and outwardly. We have techniques that can help these animals act
more appropriately."
Hinkle stated that there are currently eighteen animals at the clinic including
the two donkeys from the This is Place Heritage Park. "The donkeys are currently
being treated for same sex attraction," said Hinkle. "They are making
good progress, although there was an incident with one of the donkeys which ended
up injuring one of our therapists. Although he walks gingerly now, we are confident
he will make a full recovery." Hinkle also admitted that the prayers circles
were "awkward."
The Evergreen Animal Clinic is accepting new patients, however Hinkle warns that
it may be filled to capacity soon. "We are getting a lot of calls from the
LDS community worried about their pets' sexual problems," she said. Hinkle
admits that the new law being considered by lawmakers will certainly cause a surge
in the number of referrals to her clinic.
Sunday July 18, 2004
Salt Lake City - So that the blessings of the gospel might be extended to all,
the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will announce in Semi-annual General Conference this October the initiation of a new temple ordinance: baptism for the undead. "The Lord has brought it to
our attention that thousands of zombies are hungering not only for human brains
but also for the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ," explained Elder Thomas S. Monson, First Counselor to President Gordon B. Hinckley who, himself, is undead.
"Since the Lord's House is a house of order, we must make sure that we don't accidently perform this sacred ordinance on behalf of the ordinary dead or those who have simply zoned out during a High Councilman's
talk."
President Gordon Hinckley issued "special permission" for Spence Kinard who will return from "Limbo Land" to host the celebration-anniversary of the Mormon Tabernacle's 75th year of continuous broadcasting from Temple Square with CBS, the Cult Broadcasting Corporation. "Zombies, Zulus and Zorros, we welcome all!" boasted Kinard.
"Now all those zombies can go to the Celestial Kingdom when they're no longer undead."
Not everyone received the news as joyously. "I've never known any zombies personally," said Roger Doyle, of Sugar House "but I guess the Mormon church is the perfect place for them, where they can be with their own kind."
Sunday June 20, 2004
Jesus, the man missing since about 2005 C.E. will
start to appear on milk cartons across the USA,
according to sources close to the Christian Coalition.
"Jesus has not been seen for quite a while and we
decided to post his latest picture on milk cartons
across the country.", Reverend BillyJo (B.J.) Kline
said from the pulpit in his ministry located in
Mississippi. He described Jesus as a "lanky white
dude with a long beard, long hair and several wounds
in his hands, feet and side."
Police are baffled by the case, since the area where
Jesus lived there are no white people to speak of.
"To say that he was 'white and lanky' goes against all
reason and evidence."
Despite the evidence of Jesus not being present
(ever), Billy Jo Bob insists he knows who Jesus is
and will seek him until he (B.J.) sees the light of
Jesus for himself. "I know 2005 years, take or give a
few years, is a long time to hope for his safe return.
However, we remain hopeful and faithful tiil the
end."
Police have investigated apparent sightings of Jesus
by so-called prophets such as Gordon B. Hinckley and Ed Decker and other kooks, but have dismissed them as pure hogwash without evidence.
The police also tried to contact Jesus' parents Elohim and Mary but no
response has been obtained. Ever.
John Ashcroft, the U.S. Attorney General issued this command, "I want my Jesus back, dead, alive or resurrected!"
Sunday June 13, 2004
The Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has issued a statement
regarding their new policy against taking notes in meetings. "Members of the
Lord's Church," said James E. Faust, "should refrain from writing in all
Church meetings. The Lord has promised that the Spirit shall bring all things back
to your remembrance, and if you cannot recall what we tell you, I guess we know
where the problem lies." In order to facilitate this new initiative, bishops
have been instructed to post two Melchizedek priesthood holders at each door of
every LDS chapel in the world to manually search all members for writing materials
and other devices that record information.
"This new policy is proof that we are moving closer to Zion," said Bishop
Nat Z. Droane. He continued, "you see, as we all become of one heart and one
mind, there is no need for books and writing," pointing to his head, "it's
all up here and in the heart. Though I am the last person to brag about my righteousness,
I can tell you I have neither written a word nor read a book in years. All I need
to do is listen to the Brethren, either in person, or you know, through friends,
acquaintances, and people I run into on the street. You wouldn't believe the kind
of inspiration one can receive. I hear they are building an assembly hall at Adam-Ondi-Ahman
as we speak!"
His wife, Ima, added, "As we progress in righteousness as a people, the chapel
becomes more like the temple. You'd be silly to try to take notes or pictures in
the temple. Why, now that our average meetings are getting so spiritual, I think
they should start issuing chapel recommends, really!" Pausing for a moment
she then continued, "Funny thing, I used to think our meetings were boring.
You know, same old shtick over and over. But then I realized, those prophets are
so inspired, they are making regular Sunday meetings just like the endowment!"
A sinister coincidence has left a few non-LDS Utah residents concerned. "I
don't care so much what they do in their churches," says Lois Byner of Utah
Child Protection Services, "but we have had a recent spate of LDS child disappearances
since this new policy went into effect. I don't mean to speculate, but children
do get careless with their crayons sometimes."
Sunday June 13, 2004
The Mormon Church's flagship institution of higher education, Brigham Young University,
has made the unprecedented move of completely redesigning the curriculum of its
school of law to revolve entirely around religion. "I never liked lawyers,"
said Mormon apostle Boyd K. Packer. "For some inexplicable reason, they asked
me to speak at the BYU law school recently. I told them they were a bunch of thieves
and apostates, but they only laughed like I was joking! We'll see who has the last
laugh this time."
Asked about the logic of this move, the Church referred this reporter to veteran
Mormon scholar Hugh Nibley. "I hate lawyers too." Prodded to provide a
little more explanation he conceded, "well, anciently law really began in the
temple, whence all civilization sprang. Thus, the only true law is God's law."
Smiling, he continued, "it looks like the brethren are finally listening to
me." Nibley, BYU sources tell us, has been complaining for years that lawyers
were taking over the university and the church as a whole. "The sad thing is
that he was right," an anonymous BYU faculty member confided. "Two of
our recent university presidents were lawyers, and though we are not sure how they
screwed us over, they were lawyers you know. Read the Book of Mormon and you'll
see how bad these guys really are."
Asked how the new curriculum would work, BYU professor of law Dewey Cheetem replied,
"basically, I'm out of a job. They are going to move all of the religion faculty
into the law school and turn us out on the streets. Bastards, I have a family you
know." Calming down, Cheetem went on to explain that the new faculty will only
teach law from the LDS scriptures. The job of lawyer will become a priesthood calling,
thus excluding women from the practice of Mormon law altogether. "So you see,
though their legal representation will basically suck, at least they won't have
to pay for it," he concluded.
When confronted with the larger logistical and legal problems that might arise,
Gordon B. Hinckley, president of the LDS Church, flew into a tirade. "This
is all Boyd's doing. Do you know what it's like to stage-manage a grizzly bear?
I called my good friend Larry King for advice and he said I should have my bodyguards
knock Boyd off. 'Easy as dumping a used wife, and less costly' he said. But he doesn't
know Boyd. That man has blood-atoned his fair share of enemies, I tell you. So then
I called my pal 'W'in the White House, and he promised that all future Mormon cases
would be tried only by Antonin Scalia and his next Supreme Court appointee Bob Jones.
So then I calmed right down."
Evangelical critics of Mormonism note that if the Mormons were truly Christian,
then they would need no legal counsel of any kind. "Jesus basically said that
if someone tries to screw us we should just give them the other cheek," said
Ted Banders, pastor of the Good Sheep church in Passion, Montana. Responding to
these charges, BYU professor of Religion Stephen Robinson exclaimed, "My goodness,
they're right! Now I can write another book! And here I thought I had run out of
material." Deseret Book has announced that it will release the book next week
under the title, "The Other Cheek."
Sunday May 30, 2004
In a surprise move, God, the CEO and CFO of
Extraterrestrial Enterprises International announced
his resignation from his position. Speaking through an
interpreter, God formally announced that he “Was sick
and tired of all this Earth shit going on.”
It was well known fact in the galaxy that God was not
seeing the returns he had hoped for. People were down
almost 1000 points during his brief reign and sales of
holy items had drastically declined.
God blamed the liberal media and science for his woes.
“I thought I had a lock on the market, but science
came along and dashed all those great stories I had
been making up throught the ages. It sickens me that
man no longer pays that much attention to me.”
God was very pleased with G.W. Bush, Osama bin Laden,
Pope John IV and other zealot religious fanatics.
“Without their work, I am sure I would have been toast
a long time ago.”
God plans to spend more time with his family fishing
in the Milky Way and golfing amongst the lesser moons
of Saturn. A replacement for God has not been
announced.
Monday April 5, 2004
Responding to a controversial lecture on the
biological causes of sexual desire by now-former BYU
professor of Micro and Molecular biology William
Bradshaw, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, apostle of the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, clarified the
Lord's position on this weighty issue at the first
session of the Church's 164th General Conference. Said
Oaks, "It is wrong to use the words 'straight' or
'heterosexual' as words denoting a condition as this
implies that a person is consigned by birth to a
circumstance in which he or she has no choice in the
critically important matter of sexual behavior. The
Brethren therefore commend to the Saints all over the
world the use of 'a-sexual' as the proper epithet to
describe a righteous Latter-day Saint who follows the
counsel of the prophets."
BYU undergraduate John Cumminsen offered his testimony
in support of Elder Oaks. "Wow. You know he has to be
a prophet of God, his words just make so much sense."
Cumminsen added enthusiastically, "I can testify of my
own experience that his words are true. I mean, every
time I'm alone in my room at night, and I get
inappropriate urges, I like pray, and an angel, with
his lightning-white robe open, revealing his powerful,
celestial bosom, descends into my room. I get this
overwhelming feeling of warmth, joy, and release as he
draws near me and stretches out his mighty, ringless
hand. Then I sleep like a baby the whole night
through. God listens to prayers, I should know."
Infinite Atonement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
in overcoming biological problems – in transforming
the natural man with all its "genes" and "cells." Men
who in their weakness fail in the struggle against
biology should not be allowed to teach the youth of
Zion. I bear you my solemn witness that I and my
dear wife have had numerous children in accordance
with the Lord's commandment to Adam and Eve, and we
never even wanted to have sex. Nor did we have it!"
Despite attempts to contact her throughout the night,
Sister McConckie could not be reached for comment.
Sources in the American Medical Association report a
sudden record-breaking surge in requests for In Vitro
procedures in Utah, Idaho, and southern California.
Non-LDS fertility specialists report that they are as
confused as anyone by the Church's latest
restrictions, but as long as business is this good,
they have no problem with it. Dr. P. Nell says, "Hey,
now my kids are going to Harvard; I don't care if the
Mormons are a bunch of whack jobs, or whatever it is
they do now."
Asked to comment, Gordon B. Hinckley,
president of the Church, replied, "The Last Days are
upon us. I think Latter-day Saints will see the wisdom
of entrusting to us their youth. If they are not safe
from evil influences in the hallowed halls of Brigham
Young University, heaven only knows how their parents
fail them in their upbringing."
Dan LeFevre, official church spokesman, says the new
children's training center (the CTC) should be
referred to as "the Hinckley Youth" in all media.
Monday March 10, 2004
San Jose police announced today that pizza arcade mogul Chuck E. Cheese was found dead last night in his palatial seven story hole. Cheese, 72, was found with his "throat slashed from floppy ear to floppy ear" and his whiskers "torn out by their roots." Held in the case are Ron Hofmann and Mark Lafferty, employees of the Mormon Church's elite security force the Department of Apostate Neutering and Icing of Token Exchangers.
Gordon B. Hinckley, the Church's thirteenth prophet and chief public relations officer, released an official statement through the usual channel, the Larry King Show on CNN, apologizing for Hofmann's and Lafferty's "tragic razor blade accident."
Police suspect the hit was ordered by the aged and deranged Boyd K. Packer, president of the Mormon church's Twelve Apostles and modern day St. Peter. Though much beloved of his people for his gentle way of keeping them ever in mind of their "perverted thoughts and dirty little habits" and their duty to inflict "serious physical harm" on homosexuals who make unwanted passes, Packer has frequently come under fire from outsiders for his self-proclaimed "War on Tolerance."
Mormon officials have pledged to "repent and make restitution" for the tragedy by putting up signs that honor the butchered Cheese and his late wife and advertise a free copy of the Church's film "Together Forever."
But local merchants have mysteriously declined to sell any of their signs.
Monday March 8, 2004
The recent wide availability of DNA testing has provided a new twist in Latter-day Saint genealogy. It seems that certain Mormon apostles, hoping to confirm their family ties, have found some questionable skeletons in their family closets. The most striking example of this is the case of Boyd K. Packer, whose DNA test recently revealed that at least one line of his ancestors included blacks of African descent. Prior to 1978 the Mormon Church strictly denied priesthood ordination to such individuals. In fact, Church president Brigham Young taught that even a “drop” of the blood of Cain running in a man’s veins (church leaders have taught that black skin is a result of a curse on Cain, Adam’s murderous son) would preclude him from being worthy of the priesthood. The church reversed its position in 1978, allowing that in spite of the curse and black skin, “all male members” are eligible for the priesthood.
Packer’s DNA was the subject matter of a lively discussion at the weekly Thursday-morning meeting of the Quorum of the Twelve. Since Packer was not worthy of the priesthood prior to 1978, it was argued, his 1970 apostolic ordination was not valid, or at least should be considered effectual only after the 1978 revelation allowing his kind to be at least nominally on the same level as white people. A contentious resolution to censure Packer’s wife for marrying a black man, thus committing miscegenation, was voted down. In order to keep the discussion positive, one apostle lauded the normally hidebound and conservative Packer for his avant-garde approach to DNA genealogy.
Several of the junior apostles saw this as a “DNA revelation” from God, and viewed it as a means of fielding a younger church president, since seniority in the quorum is the only criterion for becoming president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a position with lifetime tenure. It was felt that this would lower the frequency of LDS church presidents with alzheimer’s and other forms of age-related dementia and, at least in the short run, lengthen the pre-dementia service of up and coming church presidents. One junior apostle, who requested anonymity, expressed a concern that some demented nonogenarian church president could, in a state of delusion, authorize a maverick revelation, such as one authorizing women or other unworthies to be ordained to the priesthood. Another junior apostle chimed in, “There are no other unworthies in the church,” to which the first apostle replied, “Joseph Smith taught that animals have spirits and are subject to salvation. Thus, they could be baptized. And if the question of priesthood ordination came up, a rogue, demented prophet might just allow male dogs to be ordained. No bitches, of course. How would you like it if the bishop was humping on ward members?”
During the Thursday meeting, junior apostles were citing their ordination dates as they jockeyed for better positions of seniority in the quorum. Some newer apostles demanded that Thomas S. Monson, apostleized in 1963 and next in line to be church president, and any other apostles who received the apostlehood prior to 1978 also undergo DNA testing.
On an unrelated note, a reliable source averred that Boyd K. Packer’s DNA test also revealed that he possesses the so-called “homosexual gene.” Since Packer has publicly preached that gays can in good conscience be physically assaulted by straights, he requested that his security contingent be beefed up (or should we say “beef-caked up”) to help him avoid becoming a victim of his own pronouncements.
Friday February 13, 2004
Latter-day Saint scholar and icon Hugh Nibley announced today that he is issuing
a revised, or "re-translated," version of his infamous "Book of Mormon
Challenge." Nibley presented the first version of this challenge to his students
at Brigham Young University during the 1970s to demonstrate how difficult it would
have been for LDS founder Joseph Smith to produce a work like the Book of Mormon.
"Joseph Smith," pointed out Nibley, "was an idiot. He believed that
the sun was never created, the Ten Tribes of Israel were 'lost in space,' and the
moon was inhabited by people who dressed like Quakers. Could a person like this
really come up with a story about Jews using a magic compass to guide them to a
land across the sea where they would be cursed to become Indians?"
Nibley's revised challenge, known as "The Book of Mormon Challenge II,"
is reproduced in its entirety below:
To meet this challenge, you must write a putatively ancient sacred narrative claiming
that one ancient culture gave rise to a second culture with which it bears a less-than-obvious relation. Furthermore:
1) Your book must not acquire all (only most) of its names from a prominent, widely
available text from the supposed parent culture.
2) Your book must be written in a style similar to that found in out-dated literal
translations from its alleged original language - such as the style of the prominent, widely available text from the supposed parent culture.
3) Your book must correctly identify the animals anciently found in the place in
question with a margin of error such that only animals within the same biological
classes count as "hits." Thus, for example, one mammal may substitute
for another mammal, but not for an amphibian.
4) Your book must present a complex geography that later highly motivated believers
can match to some part of the real world without rotating the compass directions
in the text by more than 90 degrees.
5) Your book must be largely self-consistent, and only rarely describe what a dead
king is doing to run his kingdom effectively or have a putative author's son explain
that he "began to wax old" 170 years after his father was born.
6) Your book must resemble the alleged parent culture and the alleged daughter culture sufficiently that, after 174 years and the investment of millions of dollars and
man-hours by thousands of dedicated, and sometimes highly educated, apologists,
a mass of intriguing parallels will accumulate that will convince most of the believers that the evidence in the book's favor is, indeed, overwhelming.
Good luck,
Hugh Nibley
When asked whether the documents had been verified as
authentic, Prison Warden LeRoy J. Shumway responded
that while he had not sent the letters to an
independent forensic laboratory for examination since
“no such fancy-pants facility exists within the State
of Utah”, he had shown the entire collection to
current LDS Church leader President Gordon B.
Hinckley, who vouched for their authenticity and paid
an undisclosed sum of money to take possession of the
documents. They are now being held for safekeeping in
the First Presidency’s Vault.
The EPA currently headed by past Utah Governor, Mike Leavitt, an active Mormon has been accused of ignoring this damning data. Activists and protestors from FAIR - Fresh Air Indoor Rights and FARMS - Fragrant Air Replacing Member Stench plan on picketing General Conference. FARMS president Daniel Peternose angrily bleeted, "This really smells like a cover-up at Church headquarters. I bet
the anti-Mormons are behind this attack on our special sensitivities!"
President Gordon B. Hinckley commented, “Isn’t this team wonderful, isn’t this team marvelous” as he raised his red and white pom pom in triumph.
Despite the news, some BYU fans remain defiant and hopeful. At an impromptu pep rally, BYU fans, Spencer, McKay and Nephi show school spirit and support for their beleaguered program.
Elder Monson also said that families wishing to have their undead ancestors baptized
must provide a notarized undeath certificate along with the usual genealogical information.
"This is a glorious day," swooned Emma Whittley, a matron at the Jordan River Temple.
Any who resist will be restrained and subjected to a full-cavity body search. Asked
about possible legal implications, Elder Dallin Oaks,former judge on the Utah Supreme
Court, said, "Are you kidding? What kind of member would sue the Church? Anyway,
we don't fund a lawschool for nothing!" Paper, pens, pencils, chalk, and personal
electronic devices including phones, tape-recorders, PDAs, laptop computers, and
cameras will be confiscated and re-sold at local Deseret Industries outlets. Offending
members will be asked to sign a release classifying these confiscated items as "donations."
Asked to comment, Mormon Historian Richard L. Bushman said, "well, the Church
has struggled with what to do with all of this writing for some time. They are forced
to print books because they need to appeal to non-members for missionary purposes.
I tell you one thing, my job would have been a hell of a lot easier if all those
Mormons in the past hadn't written so damn much."
Dismayed at Professor Bradshaw's misunderstanding of
LDS doctrine, BYU Professor of Religion Joseph F.
McConkie weighed in on the controversy, "I have
taught the Atonement at the Lord's University for the
better part of my natural life. Now, regrettably a
wolf has entered the flock denying the ability of the
On the local level, LDS missionaries have expressed
concern, "You know," says Elder Hardon, "it just keeps
getting harder and harder . . . to spread the Gospel,
I mean. Polygamy may have been too much sex, I think
we can all agree on that. But first goes that, then
masturbation, and now this! Not only does this make
the Church a tough sell here in the field, but what do
we have to look forward to when we get home?"
Now, in an earth-shattering reversal of policy, the
Church has issued a "Proclamation Against the Family"
in which Church leaders, in an effort to cultivate a
truly righteous generation of youth, have instructed
all LDS Church members around the globe to send their
children to Church headquarters in Salt Lake City when
they reach 8 years old, the Mormon "age of
accountability."
Corroborating the new revelation, Dan Petersen, of the
Church-financed Foundation for Ancient Research and
Mormon Studies, claims that his scholars have
unearthed an ancient Arabic recension of an Early
Christian text in which Jesus, quoting Plato, commands
his Church to raise a generation of philosopher-kings,
"Nor let the parents raise their children, but let the
leaders of the congregation bring them up in
righteousness."
Cheese, who converted to Mormonism in 2001, left the Church a year later after being accosted in the faith's Los Angeles Temple by the ancient apostles Peter, James, and John, Adam and Eve, assorted gods, and former WKRP in Cincinnati star Gordon Jump for "selling his tokens for money," a sin even more serious to the Mormon faithful than murder, terrorism, and masturbation.
Stated Hinckley to a sympathetic King, "I don't know that we ever taught that Mormons should fillet those who sell their tokens for money. I wouldn't say that. Rather than do so, I would, er."
In response to the allegations against St. Packer, the Mormon Church announced today that it has placed "this rock" on emeritus status "for health reasons." But sources close to Packer's apostolic companion Russell M. Nelson, M.D. reveal that Nelson's diagnosis is that Packer "has had something up his rectum for decades." And Mormon apostle Neal A. Maxwell has publicly speculated that Packer's "paranoid pettiness" may be due to traumatic early experiences with "liberal lesbian librarians."
When the report of African-positive blood came back, Apostle Packer’s pants were down, as he was filling a little bottle for urinalysis, a routine test for drugs and STDs. Packer was quoted as saying, “This has really caught me with my pants down” (as a side note, the pretty young female nurse who brought the report in to the urinating apostle, recounted that Packer’s package did not show signs of blood-engorgement until a young male nurse entered the room).
Nibley believes that newly discovered evidences have rendered this challenge obsolete.
"The old challenge," said Nibley, "is as out-dated as the social
views of my church. We have a much better picture now of just how difficult it would
be to create a book like the Book of Mormon, especially for Joseph Smith."