Salamander Society Parody News - updated 04/03/2004

Parody News from the Salamander Society

Friday February 13, 2004

Holy Ghost Given Body

The Holy Ghost aka Caleb Oliver Whitmer, now of Manti, Utah enjoys a mortal tabernacle for first time ever.

by Jungle

Salt Lake City, Utah - AP (Aaronic Press)

The Holy Ghost has been given a body! It was revealed last month to the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that the Holy Ghost was sent to his earthly tabernacle seven years ago this past October 17th. The Holy Ghost is now living in Manit, Utah with his parents and four siblings.

Church spokesman Donald LePhevray admitted that, “we were just as surprised as anyone. There really was no indication in previous revelation that such a momentous event would take place. It is truly a sign of our times.” The Church declined to identify the name of the corporeal manifestation of the Holy Ghost but sources in Manti identified him as Caleb Oliver Whitmer, son of Ezra and Camille Whitmer.

In an exclusive interview, Mr. & Mrs. Whitmer described their son as “just an average boy with special abilities. Caleb likes to run and play just like all the other boys in the neighborhood,” said his mother. “But he still maintains the celestial duties that are inherent in his office,” adds his father.

His older brother, Ben, says the most enjoyable thing about having the Holy Ghost for a younger brother is his sense of humor. “He told the neighbor boy that he should pray to find out if he was really a girl and then sent him a confirmation! You should have seen him when he showed up to school in a dress! He also signs his name at school as ‘Holy C.O.W.’ It’s hilarious!”

Older sister, Mary points out, however, that having the Holy Ghost as a younger brother can have its draw backs. “Caleb is always convincing Mom & Dad that he is never to blame. Our logic doesn’t have a chance against his ‘burning-bosom tactic’. You can never stay mad at him either; he just starts to make you feel good and forgiving and before you know it he’s taken all your money!” Neighbors Gerry and Sandy Tanner agree, “The Bishop has counseled us to not resist the promptings of the Holy Spirit, but he keeps on setting fire to our cats! Around here we call him ‘Holy Shit’!”

Although concerned with his antics, local Bishop Edwin Parker says that it has been exciting to have the young Holy Ghost in his ward. “Attendance is up 87% and tithes and offerings are setting records church wide!” he says. “We’ve had speaking in tongues, cloven fire, and everything else you read about in the Bible and Book of Mormon!”

Another source, who asked to remain anonymous, claims that the young Holy C.O.W. gets a cut of the offerings which he just recently raised to five percent. The source further asked, “Why does he need that? He already gets almost anything he wants from people who just feel damn good about giving him stuff! Even I gave my son’s PlayStation to him last April! I didn’t come down from my rapture high for three days! I got a rash from the overdose of goose pimples! The human body just isn’t meant to go through that sort of thing! We’re getting out of this town; Hell, maybe even the State!”

Church officials in Salt Lake City have not yet determined how this recent news will affect church policy although there are rumors that the Church has attempted to formulate an agreement with the young man. One of the Apostles was even heard to say, “He’s got something we want, and we’ve got something he wants. It’s just a matter of percentages now.” The church will need to move quickly to sign the young super star. Officials from the Catholic, Methodist, Baptist and other churches have been putting offer letters together. Bishop Niederauer of the Utah Catholic Diocese said, “Even though the Mormons may have an initial upper hand, I believe that the resources of the Catholic Church will be more enticing to the young Holy Ghost.” Experts agree that whoever gets the talents of the young Holy Ghost should be in a position to dominate World Christianity for the next 60 years.

Rumors straight from Ward Correlation and Priesthood Executive Meetings speculate that Caleb's older sister, Mary, may in fact be the Mother of Jesus. It should be very interesting to see how this drama unfolds in the next little while.

______________________________________________

Thursday November 13, 2003

Disastrous Book of Mormon Flooding Reported Worldwide

E.T.Benson, the man who opened the flood gates.

by Steve Benson

Salt Lake City, Utah - AP (Aaronic Press)

As predicted, disaster has finally struck.

As far back as the 1980s, Mormon prophet Ezra Taft Benson had warned the world of LDS plans to engage in "Flooding the earth with the Book of Mormon".

Reports coming in from around the world confirm that devastating Book of Mormon flooding is, in fact, occurring, with far-reaching and tragic results.

Millions of people are reported to have been left clueless as a consequence of the rushing floodwaters. In many instances, witnesses report seeing whole brains swept away, along with entire communities.

Employees with the Mormon-owned FARMS (Futile Attempts to Rescue Mormon Scholarship) claim that the raging waters have also wiped out any trace of Lamanite DNA--leaving no proof that Book of Mormon civilizations ever actually existed.

Additional reports are filtering in concerning widespread outbreaks of illness caused by flood-soaked, malaria-infected Mormon crickets. Priesthood blessings are said to be completely ineffective, although sandbags provided by non-Mormon humanitarian groups appear to be working.

Book of Mormon flooding, which disaster relief agencies describe as "epic," has been particularly destructive in areas that have also experienced the release of a new, equally epic Book of Mormon fantasy film.

Officials with FEMA (Frightening Evidence of Mormon Activity) have advised members of the public to gird up their loins, lay down their towels, seal any and all cracks in their doors and windows and break out their siphon hoses.

The extent of the damage is, according to all reports, unprecedented.

Environmental experts warn that polluted Book of Mormon floodwaters pouring into homes and businesses carry deadly toxins, sewage, debris and other forms of hazardous waste.

Citizens are advised to protect themselves by donning hip waders immediately.

Health officials also strongly caution against drinking any Book of Mormon floodwaters, particularly those flushed from shallow, untreated, non-potable ponds of stagnant ecclesiastical effluent located in the Church Office Building in Salt Lake City.

People are also being urged to boil any and all Book of Mormons they find in order to remove dangerous impurities and to notify health authorities of any dead or decaying cureloms spotted floating in the current.

Red Cross spokespersons warn that consumption of contaminated Book of Mormon floodwaters can lead to severe gastro-intestinal disorders and, in extreme cases, nausea, coma and feverish burnings in the bosom.

Despite these warnings, however, some people are reportedly drinking the water in the hope of becoming white and delightsome but, instead, turning decidedly green in color.

Women who have ingested the water have been observed to completely lose their voices and all sense of individual identity.

Mormon men, on the other hand, seem less affected, with many, according to several eyewitness accounts, remaining as patriarchally obnoxious as ever--and in fact in most cases, becoming even more so. The international aid group, Doctors Without Mormons, reports that this is most likely due to a case of severely swelled head, otherwise known as hydrocephalic hallucinatory hypnosis, and can be traced directly back to contaminated drinking water, mixed with sacramental wine, carried across the plains from Joseph Smith's tavern in Nauvoo.

According to wire reports, rampaging Book of Mormon floodwaters have caused serious pollution in the following areas particularly hard-hit:

--Wilmington, North Carolina

--the Florida Everglades

--Cincinnati, Ohio

--and the Vermont wetlands

--as well as in Honduras

United Nations relief workers are warning of global catastrophe if Book of Mormon flooding is not halted immediately.

The U.N. Security Council, by unanimous vote (with Utah abstaining), has declared the world a major disaster area, called upon LDS leaders to stop their latter-day leakage without further delay and, in the interest of humanity, appealed to all Mormons to relocate to the moon.

In response, Mormon Church president Gordon B. Hinckley appeared on Larry King Live and asserted, "Currently speaking, I don't know if we teach the Flood," and promised to distribute a new watered-down version of the Book of Mormon. Asked by King if this new and diluted Book of Mormon would still contain the plain and precious truths of the LDS Gospel, Hinckley would only say, "A river runs through it," then began singing, "Give Said the Little Stream," before being interrupted for a commercial break.

In the meantime, Red Cross officials strongly urge people worldwide (especially those living in low-lying areas susceptible to encroachment by LDS missionaries on bicycles) to obtain their water from the Guinness Book of World Records, whose circulation, government authorities emphasize, has flooded the earth much more extensively than the Book of Mormon and contains nothing but harmless, interesting and important facts.

____________________________________

Sunday November 9, 2003

Unseen spirits peeping in on daughters of Zion

The attractive and unsuspecting subject of Elder Packer's revelation.

by Jungle

Salt Lake City, Utah - AP (Aaronic Press)

In a surprising new revelation, Elder Boyd K. Packer spoke on the importance for the Young Women of the Church to maintain modesty at ALL times including when they are alone in their room or the bathroom. Brother Packer received this revelation while he was pondering on the conditions for the departed spirits who, though unseen, are all around us.

He said, “I was caught up in the consideration of those dearly departed spirit children of our Father in Heaven who are in the midst of a great struggle for their everlasting souls. As my mind caught hold upon this thought my understanding was opened and my comprehension expanded so that I thought that I saw these corporeal deprived individuals wandering about our world, in the attitude of seeking for that release that would send them back to the presence of the Father. I also saw that many of them were following our missionaries around to sit in on the holy declarations of their blessed tongues. These received the instruction necessary to make their trip homeward.

However, there were others who, given the opportunity of secrecy and non-discovery, were entering the homes of our nubile young women for the chance of obtaining a most evil glimpse of those virgin endowments. These unseen spirits would then be consumed in lust as they watched the dressing and bathing activities of our most choice daughters. Some of the more attractive girls only encouraged such behavior by admiring their unclothed bodies in front of their dressing tables for much longer than was necessary. These homes were filled with the largest number of ogling spirits. It was shown to me that this temptation was too much to bear for those spirit bodies held in spirit prison. This lustful activity is reducing the number of the dead who are able to accept the glorious work that is being performed for them in the temples of the Church.”

He continued, “I felt impressed then that it was my duty as an especial witness of the Lord Jesus Christ in this, the dispensation of the fullness of times, to urge all the young women of the church from this point forward to undress and bathe only in the dark. This will discourage those woeful spirits caught in the clutches of lasciviousness from feeding their evil addiction.” He told the young women that, “your eyes are not yet pure enough to see who might be watching.”

Packer said, “Young men have a charge to prepare for missions on this earth and now the young women have a charge to help with the missionary work beyond the grave. Your names will be called blessed by those who are currently engaged in this righteous cause of missionary work on the other side of the veil. May you always be mindful of your responsibility to maintain modesty from ALL eyes is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Mothers and Fathers hailed the counsel as long overdue. “She’s in there for 40 minutes sometimes! At least now we’ll have access to the bathroom!” said John Barker of Orem, Utah. Emma Francis Young of LaVerkin, Utah said, “There is entirely too much emphasis on girls to look beautiful. This should wake them up. There are better ways than evil SEX to please a man!”

The initiates will then be instructed in several secret handshakes, tokens, and signs. These are also useful for receiving 10% discounts at many locations. The initiates will then promise to be open minded, follow their intellect, not be so uptight about everything, and devote their lives to whatever they think is best.

Some young women were not so pleased with Elder Packers message. Alisa Murray of Holliday, Utah said, “If that old badger thinks I’m going to shower and dress in the dark, he’s more senile than I thought!” Her friend Julie asked, “Why is Elder Packer using revelation to follow those spirits into girl’s bathrooms?” Church Administrative Officials began grappling with the technical problems associated with this new level of modesty and how they should be incorporated in the Bishop’s interview guidelines. An unnamed source was quoted as saying, “That old fart is making my job hell!” Thus begins yet another interesting era of church policy.

___________________________________

Thursday October 30, 2003

Church of Satan Builds Seven New Temples - Undoing Work for the Dead
Temple partrons/party goers gather outside in preparation for their de-Mormonization rituals.
by Jungle
Baltimore, Maryland - AP (Aaronic Press)
It was announced today by George Anderson, head of the Church of Satan, that construction would begin immediately on seven temples throughout the United States with another thirteen planned for later this year.
The temples announced for immediate construction include sites in New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Baltimore, Dallas, and Chicago. Later in the year temples will be built in Phoenix, San Diego, Philadelphia, Houston, San Antonio, Detroit, San Jose, Indianapolis, San Francisco, Jacksonville, Columbus, Austin, and Memphis. These locations represent the largest population centers in the U.S. other than Las Vegas which, according to Anderson, made the list because it is the "City of Sin."
Anderson responded to reporters inquiries regarding this sudden move to erect temples since before this the church had never undertaken such a task. Anderson claimed that he was commanded by the all-powerful God of this Earth to begin construction in order to stem the growing tide of Mormons in the here after. "Satan himself came in glory and majesty and commanded that I should begin this work," said Anderson.
He said that we need to provide an opportunity for the many souls who were baptized, confirmed and given the priesthood in Mormon Temples to reject the work that was done for them without their authorization. "This way," said Anderson, "we can sin for the dead and thus allow them to have their temple work nullified. They can then join the real party going on downstairs."
According to Anderson the temples will closely mirror the appearance of LDS temples with the only difference being what goes on inside. Church of Satan temples will offer the living and the dead the opportunity to sin their way out of the LDS church. All initiates will receive a new name upon entering the temple for the first time. This name is a secret password that can be used to obtain savings of 10% at many fine establishments.
The Washing and Anointing Ceremony will be replaced with a Roman style bath house where scantily-clad, attractive members of the opposite sex will bathe the initiates and then apply exotic oils. They will then be given new sensual underwear that will serve as a protection and shield against the marketing techniques employed by the Mormon Church and its minions. This underwear has special markings which represent nature and man's position in it.
Next, the initiates will gather together after donning togas and black aprons to view a film interspersed with various items of instruction. The film will glorify the works of Man and the progress he has made since religion has come under increased scrutiny. It will also expose the horrific abuses that religious institutions have heaped upon man since the first Homo sapiens thought up the concept of God.
The initiates will then be instructed in several secret handshakes, tokens, and signs. These are also useful for receiving 10% discounts at many locations. The initiates will then promise to be open minded, follow their intellect, not be so uptight about everything, and devote their lives to whatever they think is best.
Those who wish will be invited to the front to participate in the Circle of Love. Only the best of feelings should exist among the participants. A list of names of those who are still blinded by the Mormon Church and its teachings will be placed on the altar during this activity. Those in the circle will repeat the words of the officiator who will offer a prayer on behalf of these forlorn souls. Then the initiates will be presented at the wall of groovy beads where they will be admitted into the presence of Lucifer in the Telestial Room and can fill out official name removal forms for themselves and their loved ones.
The Telestial Room will be filled with big-screen TV's, an open bar, dancers, gambling, live bands, and some of the best talent the comedy club circuit has to offer. "Our Telestial Rooms will be about 10 times bigger than Mormon Celestial Rooms, so we can really PARTY!" says Anderson. Just off the Telestial Room will be the most sacred place in these temples called "Out of Darkness." In this room temple attendees can share enlightenment experiences.
"The best part is that our temples will be open to anyone of any faith," Anderson said. "You don't even have to believe in Satan to do the work for your dead relatives. There's no need for a temple recommend and our $20 cover charge is WAY less than 10% of your income! Also, since the Mormons have already done most of the genealogical work, we won't feel guilty spending Sundays away from the temples (although we anticipate that Sundays will be our busiest time)."
He went on to say, "We have estimated way more attendance at our temples than at Mormon Temples and they won't be full of old people trying to make up for all the misdeeds of their life. We have estimated that some will attend up to three or four times a week! Talk about feeling the Spirit!! We'll replace Baptisms for the Dead with a Kegger for the Dead. That big tub full of beer with 12 oxen underneath is a great idea. I'm just going to love sucking beer out of those golden teats!"
Anderson concluded by saying, "We should finish the work for most of the dead held captive in Mormon spirit prison in the next 3 years. It makes me burn deep inside when I think of all those happy faces of the dead who will sin their way out of the Mormon Church."
___________________________________
Friday September 12, 2003

Nephi's Ass Tight Like A Dish In Book of Mormon Movie
The Book of Mormon Movie stars Noah Danby revealing his Arnold Friberg muscular ass.
by Connell the Barbarian and the Brother-in-law of Jared
Salt Lake City, Utah - AP (Aaronic Press)
Noah Danby reveals his versatility as a professional actor with an inspiring resume of screen television and theatrical credits longer than most Patriarchal Blessings. Demonstrating his Arnold Friberg-like 6-foot-3, 224-pound temporal body, Danby glows brighter than the Lord's finger in his starring role as Nephi.
Brother Danby's own web site lists his roles in 10 full-length movies, 17 television features and 14 professional stage productions. Now comes his block-buster role in that of Nephi, the Book of Mormon hero, in "The Journey," the first volume of the "Book of Mormon Movie" scheduled for translation in theaters September 2003.
For some mysterious reason known only to the Lord, The Book of Mormon Movie's website omits Brother Danby's past performances in the graphic gay-themed 2001 Showtime mini-series, "Queer as Folk."
Brother Danby let his light so shine playing gay characters named "Tatoo" and "Captain Astro," flashing a few nude scenes. Brother Danby proudly lists those credits on his own Web site, along with his current role as Golden Boy Nephi.
Casting directors selected Danby after being inspired by the reading of the Book of Mormon scripture Ether 2:17 And they were built after a manner that they were exceedingly tight...and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish...and the length thereof was the length of a tree...
The Book of Mormon Movie Web site makes clear that the LDS Church is not involved with the project but that the Holy Ghost actually directed the movie while angels silently notes taking produced the epic.
Brother Danby's experience in "soft porno" follows the tradition of other actors starring Mormon in roles. Kathleen Beller cast as Eliza Williams in "Legacy" previously bared full frontal nudity in "The Besty."
Now if we can only get Brother Danby and Sister Beller in the next episode of the Book of Mormon movie, we will have a burning of the bosom and strength in the loins and sinews.
Congregations everywhere just can't wait for the "and the length thereof was the length of tree" scene in the upcoming Book of Mormon Movie II. "The Iron Rod" is now the most requested hymn of the Tabernacle Choir.
Of course, I always thought that Nephi was totally HOT!!
Thursday June 20, 2002

Ebony Plates of Entebbe Validate Book of Mormon
Ugandan shepherd boy gleefully carries "Ebony Plates" which fortunately weigh only 12 lbs compared to the 210 lbs the golden plates of the Book of Mormon weighed.
by David "Down Under" Nielsen
Salt Lake City, Utah - UPI
The First Presidency reports that a collection of ebony wood plates have been discovered in the hillsides outside of Entebbe Uganda. The hard black African wooden plates were discovered in a cave by local herdsmen.

The discovery, apparently made some years ago was hushed up by Ugandan officials fearing that the country would become overwhelmed by religious fanatics and BYU alumni tours sponsored by FARMS.
Officially, at least the government claimed that they were awaiting Carbon 14 tests on the plates to confirm their antiquity. The plates, now known to be between 2,000 and 2,600 years old are badly split from their age but demonstrate forms of reformed egyptian heiroglyphics along with other strange symbols. Ugandan officials when asked, said that these strange symbols appeard to be hands clasped in odd forms of handshake.
The University of Uganda is requesting the assistance of experts in ancient Egyptian from the University of Cairo and Oral Roberts University before releasing any new details.
Some of the first translations of the "Holy Ebony Plates of Entebbe" have been leaked to the press. The first translations seem to show them to be the history of a religious group from the Middle East who settled here and subsequently vanished, or at least, assimilated for no known reason.

"And it came to pass that in those days the elders didst travel these lands clothed entirely in the whitest of garments. And they didst travel the hills and valleys in pairs, yeah by two by two."

All did not go well for these holy men for we read later......

"And it came to pass sayest one man to one of the elders
'Why dost thou fill the air with this idle chatter, surely we all have our beliefs and have not need of others? Sayest another to the elders, hast thou not home or herds or flocks or fields that thou shouldest spend thy days in worthy labour. Goest back to thy home and pastures and seek the labour that is good and hath honour. Sayest yet another, why dost thou refuse the drink of the seed of the Kaffea or the drink of the leaf of the camelia? I knew thy father and yea even thy grandfathers. They didst drink of the seed and of the leaf and were glad in it and yea rejoiced in it.'"
More translations of the "Holy Ebony Plates of Entebbe" will be released by Deserert Book in a series of twelve holy volumes for the discount price of $49.99 each as they become available.
Sunday May 12, 2002

Gladys Knight Ordained Apostle
Gladys Knight poses in garments of the holy penishood
by Edy Exmo
Salt Lake City, Utah - Salt Lake Gazette
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints yesterday broke with another long standing tradition when they ordained Gladys Knight an apostle, filling the vacancy created after the recent passing of Boyd K. Packer. Elder Knight was formerly the presiding bishop of the church, having served in that capacity for sixteen months. She not only becomes the first woman to ascend to one of the very top positions of power within the church, she also becomes the first African American to do so.
Elder Knight said that she was thrilled and awed by the recent happenings and that she is looking forward to tomorrow nights induction assembly. That meeting, available only to ticket holders, will be at the church’s massive conference center. Performances will be by Stevie Wonder, Prince, Michael Jackson, and the eight hundred member Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Speakers will include members of the first presidency, Utah Governor Mit Romney, Salt Lake City mayor Deconstructor, actor Gary Coleman and Rev. Desmond Tutu. Elder Knight hinted that she would retain most of the office staff of her predecessor, but that it was very likely some Pips would also be getting attractive job offers. When asked of the possibility of working her way to the position of prophet, seer and revelator, Elder Knight responded, "Hey! Everybody knows women live longer than men. I've already got a gym membership and I'm placing a standing order for wheat germ and alfalfa sprouts. I'm going for it."
It was just three years ago that the long standing church policy against the ordination of women into the LDS priesthood was changed after numerous boycotts and demonstrations by those of the fairer sex within the church. The new policy became official with the announcement of a revelation received by President Gordon B. Hinckley, now 99 years old. At that time, President Hinkley issued a statement saying, “I have received a perception in my mind, or at least I think I have, that the time has come for this church to make available unto all the blessed people of the church all power and keys which we are able to give unto them. Therefore, people of all races, sexual orientations, and genders are henceforth eligible for any calling, office or position in the church that their faith and works would justify.” President Hinckley followed the announcement with a preemptive strike against church critics, saying ". . . this revelation in no way is to be construed as an example of mainstreaming in the church".
Sunday December 22, 2001

Talibormon - The Merger Made in Heaven
Taliban Elders feel right at home living secretly in Mormon Church granite vaults at mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon, Salt Lake City, Utah
by Jerry the Aspousestate
Salt Lake City, Utah - MAMMON - Mormon and Muslim Monetary Online News Religion industry sources announced today the merger of the Taliban and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The deal was reported to have been in the works even prior to September 11th. Details were not available at press time but Gordon B. Hinckley announced there will be dollar savings and layoffs of personnel.
"Hinckley revealed, "Due to cost efficiencies, tithing can be lowered to 9%."
"This merger was pre-ordained in heaven because both organizations must be true, considering the persecution we both attract." The prophet, seer, revelator and world leader pontificated.

George Albert Smith
Osama bin Laden
Joseph F. Smith
Osama bin Laden

Striking similarities between Early Mormon Prophets and Osama bin Laden have Mormons reconsidering a revelation on re-incarnation.

Hinckley pointed out the Taliban dress code will be mandatory for Mormon women, who were starting to get uppity and coveting the priesthood. "It will be good for them to wear a burka covering over their garments," Hinckley said.
Osama Bin Laden has already asked the United Nations to deliver Mormon garments for Afghan women along with other humanitarian/missionary aid. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah cautioned that LDS garments with their special powers of protection must never fall into the hands of the opposition, lest they take advantage of the sacred body shields.
Osama insisted that the merger was not brought about by his membership shrinking in the past two months. "We are merging from a position of strength and in fact are lengthening our stride," he stated. "And many of our theological concepts will be adopted in the combined organization. For example, The Church of Jesus Christ has been unclear about how many virgins men will have after death. In the Talibormon it will be taught male members will receive 72 virgins and men need not even be martyrs. This is a merger of equals."
Members of the merger may also begin calling themselves Musmons or Mormlums signifying unity of the two faiths. In respect to church founders, Yousif Smith, Jr will become the first prophet and go on record as having been visited in the Kirtland Temple by Ismaelontumr, Mohamni, Moroni Ali, Elijaz, Adam Akbar, and of course the incognito one, The Brother of Mohammed.
The Godhead will be addressed as, Allaheim, Hey Yova and the Holy Gnosis.
Sacred locations will include, The Celestial Ka`aba, Mormon Mecca (two separate locations: Missouri and Saudi Arabia) Garden of Hussein, Mecca Square, Kolobabom and Adnan-Ondi-Yawnman.
Sacred works will be known as: The Koran of Great Price, The Articles of Sufi-faith, The Book of Morhammed, The Doctrine and Coveryournuts, and How to Win Members and Influence People.
Policy and proceedure changes include: Deacons will collect fast offerings daily before sundown during Ramadan, rather than the first Sunday of the month. The prayer circles conducted in the temples as part of the endowment will be modified to - all kneeling and bowing towards Mecca and repeating the phrase “Oh Allah, hear the words of my mouth!” repeated five times in rapid succession. Blood Atonement will re-instituted for shoplifting crimes by severing the thief’s hand at Mecca (Temple) Square. Women will not be allowed to wear smocks while pregnant because “God will not be smocked!” However temple caps and veils known as “talibonnets” will be allowed.
Osama will be re-locating his private residence to the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon south of Salt Lake City where the Mormon Church has carved out gigantic vaults safely inside the huge canyon walls.
The merger was not expected to encounter any opposition on grounds of it cornering the world religion market.
Some experts speculated this may trigger a round of religion mergers.

_______________________________
Sunday December 22, 2001

First Cloning From Mormon Cells
First group of Elder Clones report for duty at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah
by By R. Lee Jun
Salt Lake City, Utah - The New Jerusalem Journal of Medicine A human clone of a prominent Mormon official was unveiled to the public today in Salt Lake City. Because Mormons tend to think in lockstep, some observers believed that cloning was already a reality in Utah and other Mormon strongholds long before today’s announcement. One observer offered his long-held opinion that “Mormon scientists perfected the cloning process years ago, about the time cold fusion was developed, but it was concealed in the First Presidency vault while the brethren waited for a revelation on the subject.”
At a news conference today, Elder Ima Yesman, an apostle of the Mormon Church cautioned that cloned Mormons would not be worthy of the blessings vouchsafed to other members of the church. One of his colleagues in the Quorum of the Twelve explained that "While we oppose abortion and birth control, because those practices prevent so many sweet little spirits from gaining bodies in preparation for godhood, we will not encourage widespread cloning. Spirits that inhabit cloned bodies derive from the one third of the hosts of heaven that were least valiant in the pre-existence."
"Even African black males, to whom the church denied priesthood and temple blessings until 1978, were more valiant than clones. African blacks were from the middle third of the pre-existent hosts, the fence-sitters. Of course, it goes without saying that white babies, conceived in an appropriate manner by white middle-class American parents were in the superior one third of spirits in the pre-existence. The least-valiant one third went directly to outer darkness. They previously took control of human bodies, only to be exorcised into swine and other lower forms. They are now coming to Earth as clones to gain their own physical bodies. Given their lack of valiance, we don’t believe that male clones will ever receive the priesthood, even after the Millenium."
In a more positive note, Elder Onan Semon of the "Stiffening the Members Committee" agreed with the apostles’ statements about the pre-existence, but added, “Cloning is a good thing, since it doesn’t require sex. It takes the dirtiness out of procreation.” An anonymous church official added his hope that cloning will help increase attendance at church welfare farm projects and in sacrament meeting. “And while clones can’t enter the holy temple, they can surely maintain the grounds, as negroes could before 1978. And this brings up another point, a benefit this church development offers to the whole country: the proliferation of clones will reduce the need to hire Mexican illegals during the harvest season, since we’ll have a new pool of second-class citizens from which to draw. And these citizens will speak English. There will be a domino effect: less jobs for illegals, dulling the allure of the north, thus fewer border crossings, reduced need for border patrols, elimination of bi-lingual programs, tax reductions across the board, etc.”
In response to a reporter’s question, Elder Vy Karious, a representative from the church genealogical society said that no new family group sheets and pedigree charts are being developed at this time. “For now we are suggesting that in the case of a cloned male, the male from whom the original cells were extracted be referred to as “father” on the pedigree chart. In this example, under ‘mother’, simply fill in the word ‘cloned’.” He added that they are struggling with the fact that the DNA of the clone is identical to that of the donor. “Technically, the clone is a brother to the donor. But how do you explain a brother that was born twenty years after his parents died?” Clearly, there are thorny issues that need to be resolved.
An official church spokesman concluded the news conference with the reminder that “church members who disagree with these inspired brethren need to remember that by doing so, even in their minds, they are inching down that primrose path to apostasy.”
On a side note, President George W. Bush, visiting Utah to bolster Mormon "people of faith" support, congratulated the Mormon Church’s First Presidency on its ethical way of handling the cloning issue, securing God’s input first: “With the proflipperation, er, prolipp . . . , I mean prolifteration of this new class of demonized citizens,” gushed Bush, “I see the day when Utah may overtake Texas as the death-penalty capital of the free world. And there will be no unfair criticisms like ‘there’s a disproportionate number of poor black males on death row’, since they’ll mostly be white.”

_______________________________
Sunday December 16, 2001

Mo-lympic Virginity Tests Called For
Group calls for changing name of city
by Hymen Smith
Salt Lake City, Utah - MNN - Muslim News Network A recent news release from Istanbul, Turkey, on testing female students for virginity, inspired local Utah officials to come up with a new plan to clean up Salt Lake City in preparation for the Olympics.
Nicknamed “Plan Istanbul”, the program implements virginity tests among female high school and college students in Utah. Elder Al Qaida Packer , explained, “We feel this will encourage our young women to remain pure and chaste, saving themselves for a holy temple marriage.” Off the record, Packer expressed concern with the possibility of young Mormon girls, urged by parents needing help to support large families, catering to the prostitution needs of Olympic attendees. Concern was also expressed that young Mormon males struggling to save for missions, will take advantage of increased priesthood-pimping opportunities.
Maxine Spanks, feminist critic, immediately questioned the exemption of male students from virginity testing. Paula “we have a problem” Houston, Utah’s porn czarina responded that “if we can encourage the females to keep their legs closed, the males will take care of themselves.” Planned Parenthood medical director, Clee Toris pointed out that “a female can break through the hymen by simple masturbatory techniques, thus appearing to have lost her virginity.” Packer reminded her that “masturbation is prohibited among Mormon youth. If a young lady has altered her vaginal opening by way of masturbation, she will be subject to church discipline. Our Bishops are adroit when interviewing young women about their moral behavior.”
A huge group of demonstrators, numbering about five or six, carried placards in front of the Church Office Building in downtown Salt Lake City. Signs read, “Fornicating requires at least two people”, “The cherry can be popped by a cola drink bottle too”, “Boys do it without worrying about hymens” and “It takes two to telestial tango.”
A group of Mormon citizen activists took up the banner of Plan Istanbul, and began calling for changing the name of the city from Salt Lake to New Istanbul. The group was formed in response to letters of encouragement from church headquarters, read from the pulpit in wards all over the state. “We share so much in common with conservative Muslims,” said a spokesman of the group, which calls itself Utahliban. Other Mormons, not actively involved, were supportive of the cause. “The lake is not much more than a sump, collecting water runoff,” said one supporter. “If we want to retain a name related to that geographical feature, maybe ‘Salt Sump City’ or ‘Cesspool City’ would be more apropos. New Istanbul has a more cosmopolitan flair. Olympic attendees from around the world would feel like they were coming to a city of international stature. This is, after all, the headquarters of a world religion. And solidarity with conservative Muslims would be additional proof that we mean business about our religion.”
A non-Mormon local resident offered an alternative: "'Not New IstanBULL, just Bull. Bullshit City. There’s a steady stream of intestinal evacuate coming from Temple Square and its immediate environs,' he explained. 'They should annex Provo to Bullshit City too.'"

_______________________________
Sunday November 28, 2001

LDS Leaders Reveal New Temple Garment Style

by Elder Seymour Krack
Salt Lake City - MNN - Masonic News Network In an unprecedented turn of events, Mormon Church President Gordum Hinckley convened an emergency press conference in the media room of the Church Office Building. President Hinckley announced that he had inadvertently left the last 116 pages of his October General Conference talk in his especial locker at the Holy of Holies room in the temple - instead of bringing the missing pages with him to the last session of conference. As a result, the seer and revelator told the press corps that his talk was therefore incomplete, and that he had left some new doctrine out.
President Hinckley regretted this oversight, and wanted to undo the damage by immediately revealing that the Lord has seen fit to authorize an alteration in the authorized pattern according to which the garments of the holy penishood must be manufactured. He then unveiled the following graphic of the new pattern for the holy markings on the garment.
When asked about the curious waffle-like pattern, President Hinckley quipped, "I was staring at my breakfast the other day, wondering if the holy garments needed another update to stay in fashion (so the members would feel proud to wear them - maybe even outside of their clothes), when the Lord said unto me in a deep voice complete with reverberation and ethereal special effects, 'Gordum, my faithful (albeit intellectually challenged) servant, I, the Lord your God commandest thee to put an Eggo on the Leggo.'
Then my bosom began to warm up quite a bit, and I knew that this was another revelation from heaven above." So I phoned Elder Scott and commanded, 'Make it so, Scotty.' He replied, ' Ay, Cap'n, but if we do this change, she's gonna blow!'
To which I replied, 'The members know that we don't approve of oral sex, but if we take ALL the genital fun out of the bedroom, even more of 'em may go astray. Make it so as I have commanded thee, thou insolent, insubordinate prophet wannabee! How many times do I have to tell you, that when the prophet speaks (that would be me, Elder Scotty) the thinking has been done. That means that whatever it is that you think I have asked you do to, it is NOT to think! Do I make myself Urim and Thummin clear?"
That will do.

____________________________
Sunday October 21, 2001

Terrorism vs Tithing - LDS Leaders Receive Threat

by Brother-in-law of Jared
Salt Lake City - DDN (Danite Daily News) Leaders of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints announced at a news conference today, that they have received threats of terrorist attacks against church-owned Temple Square.
"Our surveillance, ahem, security, teams have intercepted communications between Al-Qaeda and Ex-Mormons for Jesus, indicating that snipers, suicide bombers, and bioterrorists are targeting historic Temple Square," stated Gordon B. Hinckley, president, chairman of the board, CEO, prophet, seer, and revelator of the church. "As a security precaution we advise all worthy members planning to visit Temple Square to wear the old-fashioned long temple garments."
Adherents to the LDS religion use the undergarments they receive in the faith's temples protect them from the dangers of bullets, fire, and showing too much thigh. "I know they work," stated one Salt Lake temple worker. "I knew a guy who got in a boating accident in shark-infested waters, and when the Coast Guard found him, all that was left were the parts covered by his garments."
The LDS church stopped manufacturing the long, or "original pattern," garments seventy years ago. But Hinckley has pledged to put "every worthy tailor" to work to garb the millions of temple-going Latter-day Saints in this protective clothing. The revised garments, optionally equipped with "authorized pattern" gas masks, go on sale at Beehive Clothing outlets early next month.
President Hinckley reassured potential Temple Square visitors that the square is safe: "We encourage members of all faiths to come the temple grounds, and not to fear. We have taken every precaution to secure their safety, and, if all else fails, we will baptize them for the dead."
When asked why he has not just shut down the square, he responded, "No other church does as much to combat terrorism. No other church has a comprehensive plan to fight against this evil, and also the terrors of Internet pornography, academic freedom, and Sabbath Super-Bowl watching. This church is growing, multiplying, filling the earth with temples. We are rolling forward this great work . . . ."
Boyd "Grizzly Bear" Packer, acting president of the faith's Council of the Twelve Apostles and chief strategist in its war on terror, outlined his church's anti-terrorism strategy:
"Our first line of protection is the temple garment - it covers more area than a conventional bulletproof vest. And the new, restored garment, which covers everything but the head, hands, and feet, also protects against HIV and other diseases for which sexual attractiveness is a risk factor. When used properly, it is as effective a prophylactic as the burqua worn by the women of Afghanistan."
"Our second defense is paying an honest tithe. Paying tithing is an essential part of being worthy to attend the temple. And tithing protects against bombs. To paraphrase the marching orders we received from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland at the last General Conference, 'Get your fire insurance while you still can - he that is tithed shall not be burned.'"
Packer's tithing comments echoed those of Gordon B. Hinckley, who stated earlier, "This drought of public safety, like the drought in the days of the prophet Lorenzo Snow, is a punishment for non-payment of tithes." But Hinckley's forecast was, as always, optimistic: "We expect fourth-quarter tithing revenues to soar, despite the sluggish economy."
"Our third line of defense," stated Packer, "is regular, if not constant, temple attendance. Each of our temples is designed to be able to withstand a direct nuclear strike. The more time you spend in the temple, the greater the chance you'll be there when the fiery darts of the adversary hit."
When reminded that only so many people can fit in a temple at one time, Packer responded, "Why do you think we're building so many of them?" and added, "The obedient bird gets the worm, but not until the next life."
"Our fourth protection," continued Packer, "that of blessing our food and drink, is an indispensable defense against a biological attack through our food and water supply. The Saints generally ask God to bless their food, but they should be careful not to forget to bless their beverages too."
"This undoubtedly relates to the temple somehow as well," added Packer. "So, as you can see, the temple provides a comprehensive defense against terrorism."
Secretary Packer then outlined the church's offensive strategy: "We have instituted a new practice called 'baptism for the living.' First, we perform a proxy baptism for a living terrorist, then we excommunicate him for not showing up at his church court and deliver him over to the buffetings of Satan. Once the terrorist has received the Holy Ghost by proxy, he will deny it and become a son of perdition on the spot. Then he's toast."
Packer fielded questions about the ethics of these practices as follows, "The way we look at it, if we can baptize people by proxy without their permission when they're dead, we can do it when they're living too. And excommunicating proxy-baptized terrorists in their absence is just a natural extension of the tactics that are helping us win our ongoing war against gays, feminists, and intellectuals. We're going to stay with what works. We'll win this war the Lord's way."
Packer declined to comment on a report by an anonymous senior official of the church's ultra-secret Strengthening the Members Committee that Osama Bin Laden has already been baptized by proxy and excommunicated on the charge of "insubordination to the order and discipline of the church, and having a very long beard."

______________________________
Sunday September 30, 2001

BYU Resurrects New Name
The only sign to seek after in Provo, Utah
by B. Mahatnas of the Ex-Mormon recovery bulletin board

Provo - CBN (Christian Blues Network) The leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this week that effective immediately, Brigham Young University will instead be known as Jesus Christ University (JCU). President Gordon B. Hinckley made the historic announcement at the weekly student devotional in the Marryalot Center. "This is the Church of Jesus Christ," Hinckley said, "and this is His university. It is only fitting that the university should bear His name."
"We don't worship Brigham Young. This isn't the church of Brigham Young. It's the church of Jesus Christ," said Sariah Jensen, a senior majoring in early childhood development. "I know He directed this name change."
JCU will be making several other changes in conjunction with the name change. The ubiquitous "Y" on the mountainside overlooking the campus will come down, school officials said. In its place will be a "C," in keeping with the inexplicable tradition of putting the middle inital of the school's abbreviation on the mountain.
Another change will be that the statue of Brigham Young at the campus entrance will be taken down and be replaced with this statue of Jesus. "We feel that the statue of the Savior will better remind students whom this university really belongs to," said JCU's president and Church of Jesus Christ General Authority, Merrill Yeltsin Bateman.
Bateman also took the opportunity to blast the small but vocal group of students opposed to the name change. "Thousands of worthy Church of Jesus Christ students are turned away from JCU each year. I can't believe these slipped through. They need to take a long hard look at why they are here."
The mascot for JCU's athletic teams will also change, school officials said. Instead of the Cougars, student athletes will be known as Disciples of Jesus Christ. "What does a cougar have to do with Jesus Christ?" Bateman asked.

__________________________
Tuesday August 7, 2001

Hinckley Reveals Divine Solution To Gay Lesbian Church Conflict
Prophet, Seer, Revelator and World Leader Hinckley waves to reporters in front of the Salt Lake Church Formerly Known As Mormon Temple as he announces still another marvelous mainstream manifestation of The Lord's will.

by Jim Gomer Neighbors

Salt Lake City - DIP (Deseret Independent Press) Every Thursday morning deep withing the Salt Lake Temple President Gordon B Hinckley and his two counselors meet with the twelve apostles, form a prayer circle while dressed in holy temple clothing and receive the latest Word of the Lord.
The latest Word of the Lord which usually enters Hinckley's consciousness as a still small voice was apparently screaming so loud that the prophet, seer and revelator of the 11 million member sect called an impromptu press conference on the granite steps of the historic temple.
Still dressed in his white temple suit, Hinckley stunned the media with details of a revelation equal to the famous 1978 revelation of Spencer W Kimball which bestowed the holy priesthood upon all Mormon males, including black men and boys. Equally astounding was Hinckley announcing his resignation as prophet and president of the Church, effective at the conclusion of the next General Conference in October.
While reporters were struck dumb with shock and unable to even ask questions, Hinckley's countenance assumed a golden angelic glow as he proclaimed, My dear Latter-day Saints, the Lord in His mercy has this day opened the church doors of full fellowship unto each and every gay and lesbian brother and sister.
"The Lord has also expanded His mercy into the heavens thus creating a fourth degree of glory to be known as the 'Gaylesbial Kingdom', which is equal in glory to the Celestial Kingdom." Proclaimed Hinckley. Waxing eloquent above the din of gasps, awe's and wow's from the press corps, Hinckley explained, "However, with full fellowship comes full responsibility. Where much is given , much is required. Thus saith the Lord."
Explaining and outlining the Lord's new program, Hinckley revealed, "Lo and behold, the Lord hath commanded a seventy times seven expansion of the leadership in the church at a time when we are experiencing record levels of serious burn out of the faithful due to endless meetings, demands and sacrifices which has pushed church growth statistics into a tailspin. Combining this trend with the ever increasing dissatisfaction and animosity growing amongst our gay and lesbian ranks and the negative press we suffer as a result, an inspired solution as been revealed unto me."
"Our heterosexual faithful work overtime procreating and raising offspring as numerous as the sands of the sea while our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters do not. All of this free and unencumbered time leaves our same sex attracted members, with their natural attention to detail, passion and boundless energy, available to respond to the Savior's call to fill all Priesthood, Relief Society, Young Men, Young Women, Primary, Sunday School, Temple Worker and Missionary positions in the Church. This in turn will allow the heterosexual faithful to focus all of their energy on marrying and raising up numerous righteous generations unto the Lord of Hosts while our same sex attracted faithful remain running the Lord's errands full time."
"Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me, to have gay Bishops and lesbian Relief Society presidents performing all of the rewarding church work like holding leadership meetings, staffing the temples, performing the home and visiting teaching, staffing the nursery, teaching lessons, cleaning the chapels and gathering the tithes and fast offerings while the heterosexuals spend blissful weekends with their families, read scriptures, take summer vacations to all the Church pageants and historical sites and actually hold Family Home Evenings for a change. This way all the faithful members of the flock are busy as bees and staying far, far away from tempations, lasciviousness and all manner of naughtiness. Our church will resume once again the elite position of the fastest growing church in the land." Sun beamed Hinckley.
With a gleam and twinkle in his eyes, Hinckley admonished all current General Authorities and Auxiliary Leaders to prepare for release from their full time paid positions and to make room for the new gay leadership assuming their divine mantles of authority at the upcoming October General Conference.
One reporter overheard Boyd K Packer, long time heir apparent to the prophet's mantel, murmuring into the ear of Dallin H Oaks. "Damn it all to flip, Dallin! That half deaf, senile ol' fart Hinckley can't even get his revelations straight any more. The Spirit of the Lord whispered 'lay leadership' not gay leadership!' And I swear on a stack of Book of Mormons that I'll be damned, give up my calling and erection made sure and go straight to the Telestial Kingdom before I'll raise my hand to the square and sustain a 'prophet, queer and revelator' in October's General Conference. We sold out to the black folks and now the gays. Who's next, the feminists and intellectuals? I can't believe that just anyone can join our church now. Totally disgusting!"
Oaks was heard to murmur back into Packer's ear with a giggle, "Yeah, next Hinckley will change the scripture from 'straight is the gate' to 'gay is way' unto life eternal. There is also a rumor that he's changing the 'Correlation Committee" to the "Rainbow Coalition Committee.'"

__________________________
Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Hinckley Shares Vision of Olympic Surprise
A prophet's eye view of the "Lord of the Rings" crashing the closing 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympic ceremonies.

By P.T. Brigham

Nauvoo Expositor Press- Salt Lake City In his weekly news conference, Gordon B. Hinckley, ailing CEO of the L.D.S. Business Organization stunned his counselors and the entire world by announcing grandiose plans for the closing ceremonies of the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics.
"The timing is right to show the world that we are what we claim to be, the only true church." The highly manic Hinckley continued, "As the Lord's anointed leader I've extended the invitation, to the Savior Himself. Now its time for him to ante up." "We're putting it all on the line here."
"Although there will be no wine for the Bridegroom's coming," Hinckley continued, "I envision a marvelous outpouring of the Lord's love as He appears in the midst of our banners, fireworks and white handkerchief waving. Due to His strong aversion for the Summer Olympic games , especially from that infamous javelin toss, I have faith that the Savior will finally make His encore here in Salt Lake City, as the world watches our very own Molympics. We won't even have to bribe Him!" Hinckley chortled as the reporters snickered.
Fearing the worst, Boyd Packer, tried to shush the beleaguered old man by gently reminding Hinckley that the Lord hasn't visited any of the church officials in over a century.
The Public Relations department only exacerbated the frustration by summoning church attorneys, when Sam Donaldson and Mike Wallace asked point blank, "By what authority do you call Christ from the heavens?"
Answering on the grounds of anonymity, one of "the brethren," quietly confided that it was his understanding the governing authority and power of the priesthood was taken way back in Joseph Smith's time. He further stated. "We all know we've no authority any more, but what are we to do, just let this entire profit center vanish? And what of our followers, how could we face the masses and confide that the church has deceived them for well over 150 years?"
The anonymous source went on, "The story I was told upon joining the quorum of the twelve, was Joseph Smith lost all his rights and privileges when he started sizing up his counselors wives for polygamist, and immoral intentions. Since that time, we've all been under strict counsel to follow an express 'don't ask don't tell' guideline."
Meanwhile highly sedated Packer and Hinckley, remain under the careful watch of attending psychiatrists at the exclusive "Senility Acres" skilled nursing home and were unavailable for comment.

_____________________________
Friday, June 29, 2001

Africanized Bees Mate with Deseret
Mountain Meadow Elementary third grader, Steve Powell sketched an African Bee combining genes with a submissive but industrious Deseret, and lived to write about it:

By Desmond "Desi" Rett

Salt Lake City - Bee News Africanized killer bees continue their migration northward from Brazil. Killer bees have recently been spotted in Utah, mating with deseret (Jaredite word for honeybee). This has raised concerns, since the Utah honeybee is a very industrious creature. P. Ray Mantis, Ph.D., a biology professor at Bumble Young University expressed concern that "coupling such a strong work ethic with killer instinct will have serious repercussions."
Referring to the arrival of the undesirable bees with African blood, a Utah resident of African descent commented, "Of course, this is Pharoah's curse on Mormons, for denying their priesthood to African blacks for over a century." In response, a white Mormon resident assured him that "God will send a flock of seagulls to devour those nasty bees."
A General Authority, who asked not to be identified, warned, "The male offspring of a union between African bees and any other bees will not be worthy to hold the dronehood."
___________________________
Friday, May 25, 2001

LDS Attorneys Authorize Revelation
Cochran, Reno and Bailey, all-star attorneys from LDS law firm Kirtsey and McKnocknee announce the startling revelation.

by P.T. Brigham
Salt Lake City - AP(Apostate Press) Amidst the controversy surrounding avowed polygamist Tom Green's conviction of bigamy, the LDS church continues its fight for media acceptance in preparation for the 2002 Winter Olympics.
Claiming a devine revelation, LDS attorneys gave the go ahead for church President Gordon B.Hinckley to announce the reinstatement of plural marriage.

God's Guru Gordon A shrewd publicist in his own right, Hinckley's bid to save faltering membership by this announcement gives credence to his plea to "cum back" into the fold.
This brilliant move will serve a dual purpose by lowering the number of members living adulterous lives and bring a following of more liberal minded individuals back into the main stream religion.

This unexpected announcement may pose a problem for Beehive Clothing Mills, which is already experiencing serious shortages of those unattractive "protective" underwear commanded to be warn by LDS faithful. Unwilling to relinquish the profit center imposed by the tradition, an announcement of the churches purchase of Fruit of the Loom is expected. Although admitting with plural marriage soon to become commonplace, there is not much need for the unattractive garments to magically ward off sexual encounters.

Tom Green - polygamist

Fruit of Beehive Garmies New missionary catch phrases such as, "It ain't adultery if your married" will soon grace Salt Lake valley billboards. Pamphlets extolling the lifestyle are being printed in mass and promise to become a valuable proselytizing tool.
Hinckley was quoted as saying. "It's a glooorrrious day for the Lord! The building of these many wooonderfulllll temples now has a purpose, as thousands will be enteringgg for the sacred temple ordinance of plurrrralll marriage. Now is the hour of my powerrrr, none shall molest or make afraid."

Although this shot in the arm approach is expected to boost faltering church membership, the church welfare services were unavailable for comment.

___________________________
Wednesday, April 25, 2001

Mormon Stalkers - New Advice Column - San Francisco Chronometer
Eldred E. Eyring the Exmorcist guarantees the exorcism of Mormons from your life for eternity or your tithing money back.

by Sister Cheryl Goodytiptoe
San Francisco Chronometer readers were delighted to find a full-page announcement in the Sunday edition: Notice: Welcome our newest column, Sharing With Cheryl.

For years readers have clamored for help with Mormon stalkers. Why not just walk away fron the church? The answer may surprise readers who are unaware of "Mormon Stalking." The Mormon Church relentlessly harasses those who attempt to leave. This is where SHARING WITH CHERYL comes in. Write to her c/o latterdaylampoon.com with your Mormon stalking problems. She is kindhearted, but relentless in her (excuse the term) calling. She feels your pain as only a fellow sufferer can.

Suffering My husband and I moved from Utah to Arizona to Texas to Florida to Maine to Death Valley, California trying to escape Mormonism for the sake of our young children. Mormon spies track us everywhere. We now live in Nome, Alaska and those irritating idiots have tracked us yet again. They pester us at least three times a week using dog sleds. Help! Suffering

Dear Suffering: You are a decent family and you have a right to protect your children from Mormonism. You hope to lead a normal life. Unfortunately, these are not normal people who are treating you this way. They are mind-controlled Mormon stalkers!

You must keep a log of every intrusion. Then, you must respond to them twice for each offense. Call on them at least twice as many times as they call on you! And twice as late at night.

Here is the hard part for good folks like you. Make your calls at least as offensive as theirs. I am an ex-Mormon. I know it is hard to be rude. If this is a problem, write back. I have a network of never Mormon contacts. They can tell you how to be offensive.
I am not a dog sled expert. However, I would not hesitate to travel by dog sled under the midnight sun to the Bishop's igloo to combat Mormon stalking! Good luck.

Mormons in Training

Now Jewish Cheryl: I must share with you. I escaped the Mormon cult ten years ago. I love freedom. My problem is that the cult thinks I am temporarily offended by some minor, personal impropriety. I have told them hundreds of times, "No Contact." How can I be clearer? Now Jewish

Dear Now: This is difficult for a bright person to understand, but here goes! To mind-controlled Mormons the words, "no contact" mean: "temporarily give me a little space so we don't share the same sacrament cup." Mormons have brains but don't use them. You must demonstrate what you mean.

If they call you with an invitation to a ward picnic, call them twice with bar mitzvah invitations at the synagogue. If they come to your door bringing a honey-glazed ham, take left over matzo balls to their door twice.

You get the idea. If this doesn't work, you must go public with an ad in the paper or letter to the editor. Do not let up. They will push until they feel the ravages of retaliation. Shalom!

Who's there?

___________________________
Sunday, April 1, 2001

Mormon Down Under Gets Bum Wrap
John Hopoate of the Wests Tigers arrives for his hearing at the High Council Court last night on charges of blasphemy. He is charged with adding a sixth point to traditional "Five Points of Fellowship" in public situations. Picture: Tim Clayton

By Elder Jack A. Roo
Bishop Forlorn C. Dunn of the Harpooned Ward - Sydney Stake last night claimed National Rugby League officials and anti-Mormons have a vendetta against winger John Hopoate, an active prospective Elder in his ward.

Hopoate, charged with attempting to incite rival players by putting his fingers up their rectums on the playing field while admonishing them to "turn the other cheek" is risking the wrath of God.

But Tiger Coach, Lam N. Lion, slammed the NRL, the media and the local Stake Presidency over the Hopoate affair, saying his offence was "part of the game".

"Last year they had 10 counts against him, that's a record," Lion said.

"Now he's just done a little niggling something in the game. He hasn't hurt a bloke, for Elder Brother's sake, and they want to call him to repentance for it.

Coach Lion said there was little unusual about Hopoate's conduct. "We've all played the game of footy," he said. "Over the years, I've had blokes grab the family jewels, blokes gouge me, blokes pull my hair just to get me off my game.

"I didn't complain about that. I know it's part of the game. You've just got to handle it."

Of the NRL and The Stake Presidency, Lion said: "I just think there's someone in there who's got something against Hopoate, you know?"

NRL chief executive LaVellaroo Edwards rejected Bishops Dunn's suggestions of a vendetta, saying: "A deeper probing will prove Hopoate is not "public enema number one."

Hopoate, as his own defense counsel, presented the recent Sydney Morning Herald article citing his meekly repentance return to the LDS fold and handed out copies to the media.
Date: 13/04/00

By ROY MASTERS

"I am grateful to God for turning my life around. I pray every day for the many blessings he's given unto me," Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate says.

A year ago, most rugby league fans would have thought the trash-talking, back-chatting, nightclub- bing former international, then playing for Manly, would have been incapable of such words.

Yet Hopoate has rejoined the Mormon Church and his new teammates at the Wests Tigers are reaping the rewards of the big flanker's reformed lifestyle. The Wests Tigers are second on the ladder, yet are ranked 11th in attack and ninth in defence. They have drawn two games and won six more by an average of 6.5 points per game.

Hopoate has proved to be the "go to" guy when the Wests Tigers are stuck in their own quarter, four points down and with five minutes left on the clock.

The big right-winger takes the ball forward, secures it safely against a torment of tacklers trying to rip it free, makes 10 to 15 metres and, despite a verbal barrage from players seeking to intimidate him, plays the ball quickly to ignite a Wests Tigers recovery.

He also stops tries. With 10 minutes left in last week's game, it seemed certain the Northern Eagles' Albert Torrens would score a converted try to narrow the Tigers' lead to two points. But Hopoate and centre Terry Hill exploded towards the right corner to bundle their former Manly teammate into touch.

Has there been a more rapid hell-to-heaven transformation in the modern era from the sledging, penalty-incurring, hated Hopoate to the buttoned-down, no-nonsense, respected player who stands on the right wing for the Wests Tigers?

He has changed from a player who had his mouth perpetually open to one who now has it permanently shut; from one whose blow-ups could be counted in megatonnes to a sportsman who calms his teammates and does not react to the barbs of others.

Still, Hopoate, of Tongan descent, insists he has retained his self-belief in his own superiority, the mana of the South Pacific islanders.

"I've still got arrogance in me," he says. "I've got that island blood that makes me aggressive.

"But I don't lose my temper like I used to. I have learnt to control myself on the field."

Nor is it correct to assume this conversion took place when Hopoate joined the Wests Tigers.

"When Manly suspended me [for eight weeks], alcohol was my main problem," he said in reference to a drunken brawl at the Bourbon and Beefsteak bar, and missing training.

"Part of my suspension was I was not to touch alcohol. I thought that if I have to give alcohol away, I might as well turn my whole life around.

"Things were not going well in many aspects of my life, so I rejoined the Mormon church, and now I don't touch alcohol, I don't touch tobacco and I live my life according to the standards of my church.

"I've got my whole life in order. I've always been a Mormon, but I went off the track for a while. I go to the Mormon church at Harbord every Sunday."

Hopoate said Manly's discipline also encouraged him to reforge links with his family, which consists of three boys and a girl, aged from eight to two.

"They were a big part, too," he said. "I was going out all the time, not spending time at home.

"I realised I had to secure the future of myself and my family.

Hopoate's achievements are even more laudable, considering he has a painful arm injury.

Coach Wayne Pearce says Hopoate has a rare vertical tear on a triceps muscle, which flares in certain circumstances.

"It's when I take the ball up and try to push off guys, it troubles me," Hopoate says.

Hopoate's struggle with his triceps symbolises the Wests Tigers' style.

Pearce says: "Every arm-wrestle contest we've been in, we've won. The guys have dug deep and won the close contests.

"But that's the way you have to play to win the big matches, tight contests where you play disciplined football.

"Hopper deserves a big rap for setting the example."

The affection Hopoate receives from his teammates seems to grow the more he helps win games and the less recognition he receives from a still-scornful league public. Rarely has a player been so appreciated for being unappreciated.

"They [his teammates] are a good bunch of blokes," Hopoate says, "but it's God I give thanks to every day." (end of Roy Masters story)

Current odds with sports bookies and anti-Mormons that Hopoate will have his Temple Rectummend revoked are 5 to 1.
"We thank the Lord that Brother Hopoate is averse to 'brown nosing' and we will bend over backwards for our brother in his time of need." inserted Bishop Dunn.
.................

The Lampoon thanks staff of The Sun-Herald / The Sydney Morning Herald for being such good sports with this lampooned rendition of a true news story.

Jesus Calls LDS Prophet To Repentance
Zion's Email And Latter-day Online Times - ZEALOT

Salt Lake City -- After a daring group of orthodox Jews began official construction of the Temple in Jerusalem Monday October 16, 2000 - Gordon B. Hinckley had to do some mighty tough explaining to Jesus.
The following is a transcipt of a conversation between Jesus and His modern prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley as leaked by our secret contact on the Church Office custodian crew who had left a tape recorder in Hinckley's office.
Jesus: Elohemdammit Gordy!! I told you not to spend all our sacred money on your idolatrous birthday boy palace in down town SLC. Just because the Conference Center was not dedicated at the time, gives you no excuse to have so much fun in my sacred edifice.
Gordon: Hey older brother dude, settle down now. We had thirty thousand of Thine sheep waving white hankies and screaming Hosanna to Thee this past weekend. That ain't bad and they're nearly all full tithe payors.
Jesus: Judas Priest Gordy, don't you keep up on the news. I've got thousands of my cousins starting to build me a real temple in Jerusalem now and you've been so worried about buying Main Street and making a huge PR splash during those pagan winter Olympics you've completely missed the Bridegroom's wedding and reception.
Gordon: Good Lord, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
Jesus: Now listen here you petrified petered out ol' prophet, round up all those Lamanites and head to Jackson County and start a build'n me my temple. What in Lucifer's new name do you think I had David O McKay buy all that farmland for, "A temple time share?" Don't wait for those Lamanites to blossom as a rose either, they turned out more like shrinking violets.
Gordon: With all due respect please take Thine Alpha and Thine Omega and quit telling me what to do. I am too old for all this errand running all over the globe in Jon Huntsman's private jet. I am staying put and going to bed. Have Tommy Monson build Thine Priethood Palace after I slip through the veil and claim my celestial mansion on high. Nah Nah Nah Nah Naaaaaah, Thou can't curse me cuzz, I've got my calling and election made sure. Giggle, giggle.
Jesus: Dad! Dad! Gordon's bugg'n me and won't do what I say! Dad! Dad!
- #51 - 10/16/2000 - cricket
LDS Utah Gubernatorial Candidate's Fasting In Protest Debatable
Religion In Our Times - News Service - RIOT News
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- Mormon political candidates turn their backs on Priesthood Quorum brotherhood when it comes to the race for Utah's next governor according to ultra conservative Independent American Party candidate Jeremiah Ezekiel Fryingbosom.
This underdog candidate for Governor of Utah is on his 30th day of a 40-day hunger/fasting/prayer strike in front of the LDS Humanitarian Center while demanding a seat in the debates between Republican incumbent Governor Mike Leavitt and wannabe Bill Orton. All three candidates hold the Holy Melchizledik Penishood.
Fryingbosom has been on this fast strike since he last attended Fast and Testimonkey meeting and has now lost 66 lbs. All he has taken since the fast began is Postum-Lite and tiny little squares of Wonder Bread. He is refusing blood tranfusions from the Jehova's Witlesses and shunned the Seventh Day Adventriloquist's Saturday morning voice throwing prayer circle. Jenny Craig is offering to become his campaign chairsister.
Fryingbosom converted to the LDS Church from Judaism in Jerusalem after overhearing Cleon Skousen guiding a holy land tour for FARMS staff. He fears that the increasing burning of the bosom that he is feeling may actually preclude the "big debate" as he may be translated like unto John the Beloved of New Testament fame.
The Independent American Party platform includes the following splintered planks: That the governor of Utah be sustained in General Conference as a profiteer, steer and realestater; Early morning Seminary be required for all students from kindergarten to high school; Robert Kirby to become the Utah state bird; Temple recommends to serve as free passes on Trax transit system; Combine the Utah Tax Commission and LDS Budget Departments.
When KSL spokesperson Boydette Packerly was asked if Fryingbosom would be included in tonight's televised debate in order to save his life, she replied "Tis better that one man should famish rather than a whole sound bite be lost."
- #50 - 10/05/2000 - cricket
Celebrate the 30th Anniversary of CTR Rings with New Children's Book by Gordon B. Hinckley
Believe In God's Order of Things - News Service - BIGOT News
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- Thirty years ago, then Elder Gordon B. Hinckley of the LDS Church's Council of the Twelve Apostles launched the CTR program with this declaration, "A new day has dawned, a wonderful day for the children of the Church."
CTR, an acronym for "Choose the Republicans", was introduced in September 1970 as a new program from the Children's Correctional Committee. The Church's Primary organization for children 12 and under began instituting the program for 6 and 7 year olds who attended the new CTR-A classes. Along with the program came the CTR ring, and two new songs, "The CTR Song" and "A Ring in my Nose."
"Since their introduction, the phrase and the ring have ingrained themselves to millions of church members," Boyd K. Packer, editor of the new book My CTR Ring (Bookcrap, $15.95) stated. "The familiar image of those three letters, encircled about in a shield of green, is an inspiration to make wise political decisions when voting against feminists, gays/ lesbians and those "so called intellectuals".
Recently, the Church Distribution Office revealed for the first time that since the ring's unveiling, more than five million CTR rings have been distributed, not including the countless other CTR rings purchased from independent pawn shops through the years.
CTR rings have also been featured in many national publications, including the anniversary issue of Teen Republican magazine and in numerous Associated Press articles.
The new book, My CTR Ring, is designed to help young children learn the meaning of choosing the Republicans, and the significance of those three letters that have adorned the fingers of millions of church members the past three decades as they voted down liberal and progressive propositions in all fifty states.
Illustrated by artist Pat Bagley of the Salt Lake Tribune, My CTR Ring uses rhymes and stories to help children understand coercion, manipulation, control, and political activism. Each true-to-life situation asks the child to decide how he or she ought to vote and urges them to "choose the Republicans."
For parents wishing to teach their children the importance of making good choices and understanding the consequences of what they do, My CTR Ring is the perfect way to help them choose the Republicans.
President Hinckley and George W. Bush will be holding an small autograph and book signing party in the 21,000 seat Conference Center just prior to the October General Conference.
#49 - 10/01/2000 - cricket
Affidavits to Validate Mormon Temple Recommends

Abridged News Service
Salt Lake City, Utah -- After a disappointing dispute over artifacts taken from the Mountain Meadows Massacre site, LDS general authorities have reached a unanimous decision to have members sign affidavits before temple recommends be validated.
The affidavit would give time, talent, all that you have been blessed with or which you shall be blessed with to the church historical society.
Immediate precautionary measures have been taken to secure space in the genealogical vaults and under the newly dedicated conference center.
H. Gitner Binkley, stated: We hope to make a vast catacomb where our ancestors and their belongings can be kept by the church throughout the eternities. Our dead and their possessions are our greatest asset.
Church legal counsel has been busy finding any loopholes in deceased members oaths and covenants, to see if they have any legal claims to items currently buried with the deceased membership.
Binkley continued....Our work to save our dead will continue, and we will be blessed as we find joy in serving them in these latter days.
In closing, church legal counsel again reiterated, we are admittedly opposed to cremation, because it leaves us nothing, absolutely nothing for all of our efforts. - #48 - 09/04/2000 - mac
BYU Security Nabs Sperm Racers

Social Idiotic News - SIN
Salt Lake City -- Boyd K Slacker, President of the Quorum of the Swell proudly announced to a throng of reporters at a nationally televised news conference that the so called "sperm racers" have been apprehended by the BYU Standards Officers.
Slacker explained how a few BYU students had returned from the Semester Abroad Program at Vienna, Austria with the scheme copy catted from Ars Electronica, the venerable digital arts festival in nearby Linz, Austria.
With all the self righteous disgust that Slacker could muster he repudiated those who mock him and his "Little Factory" speech while adding a warning from God that those who masturbate in order to "sperm race" and those who gamble or wager on the races will be accursed from on high with a dark skin and will not be able to procreate in the next life in the Terrestial Kingdom.
Slacker proceeded to quote the following news flash courtesy of Wired News and reporter, Steve Kettmann dated August 29, 2000.
BERLIN -- Ars Electronica,the venerable digital arts festival held each September in Linz, Austria, always makes a splash. And this year is no exception. Take sperm-racing, for example, which fits perfectly with this year's theme: sex.
Sex in the Age of Its Procreative Superfluousness," which begins Saturday, picks up pretty much where last year's ground-breaking "Life Sciences" festival left off.
"Sperm-racing" may sound like a mere gag, but the Ars Electronica folks are serious about their fun, and have fun in their seriousness.
So, yes sirree, the little critters will be a-wrigglin' and a-racin'. And anyone who shows up in the main square in Linz next week will be able to make his own, uh, contribution to the event.
"There is a big container in the main square of the city, in a public space where everyone can go," said Gerfried Stocker, the festival's director. "It's called the CASA, Computer Assisted Sperm Analyzer, and with this thing you can measure or determine the quality of sperm, the density, the mobility, the speed, the pH value, and this kind of thing."
See, we told you they were serious.
"We measure the speed, and make your ranking with all the people. The women can bet on their favorites," Stocker said in a telephone interview. "You fill out a form along with your donation. Muscles? Education? What car you drive?"
If fast cars substitute for sexual performance, the automobile information is, in fact, an important piece of information for the contest, Stocker said.
"It's meant rather as a funny and ironic project, of course," he said. "By looking at these questionnaires, the women can say who they think is the sexually most powerful male, who has the fastest sperm, and every evening we have the sperm race.
"The person who wins can stay anonymous, or maybe reveal himself and become the big darling of everyone here."
Sure makes 200-meter dash seem pathetic by comparison, now doesn't it? But Stocker insists there is a serious aspect to the Sperm Olympics.
"It's really about the whole discussion about how the quality of sperm in the Western world is constantly reducing," Stocker said. "This is very often used as an argument by very right-wing and racist people. If you're strong and do a lot of sports, it doesn't mean you have the better sperm. There is also no correlation with race or nationality. Still, there is this very stereotypical picture of all this."
And of course, there are souvenirs. Not the magazines and videos available in a booth set up for potential sample-producers. No, those stay. The souvenirs are photographs.
"You can get nice photos of your sperm racing, blown up a thousand times," Stocker said.
Last year's focus on life sciences generated a lively debate, including detailed treatment of such topics as designer babies.
This year's festival will take that inquiry further, and while next year's theme is not yet decided, chances are it will continue to build on the topic of sex.
Slacker appeared exhausted and totally spent while complaining to reporters about his tireless efforts to protect BYU students from themselves as they continually come up with unholy activities such as tunnel singing, living in unapproved student housing, cruising temple grounds, drive by kissings, fight clubs, MTV gigs and now sperm racing. Slacker fainted as he gazed upward to heaven and proclaimed, "Oh my children of Israel, how long must I suffer thine iniquities."
Wired News
- #47 - 08/30/2000 - cricket
Mormon Medical Breakthrough

President Gordon B. Hinckley Survives Bosom Transplant Surgery

by Jerry the Aspousetate - 08/25/2000
PROVO, UTAH: Brigham Young University Medical Center spokesperson Dick U. (he asked that his last name be withheld to avoid publicity) announced the world's first successful bosom transplant operation. In a joint press conference with leaders of The Church of Joseph Smith of Latter Day Polygamists, Dick U. stated Hinckley was resting comfortably after the thirteen-hour surgery.
Hinckley was on the bosom transplant list for several months after General Authorities attributed a lack of revelations to a deteriorating bosom. Decades of receiving revelations from Kolob accompanied by a burning in the bosom had left nothing but a cinder of scar tissue.
Dick U. related church leaders took a calculated risk in allowing Hinckley to undergo the surgery because all the Lamanites who had undergone experimental surgeries to perfect the procedure had died.
An unnamed source quoted Boyd K. Packer as saying, "This surgery is too risky. He [Hinckley] should just step down and let someone with a functioning bosom take his place."
The initial potential unnamed donor had passed all the tests of faith while living and appeared to have an ideal burning bosom. Hinckley's PR person who speaks for burning bosoms added, "We were very hopeful. All tests of faith had been passed and had even exceeded the faith scale. We were well into the naive and moronic scales for some of the burning bosom test results. Unfortunately, medical examinations prior to the transplant operation proved the donor to be suffering from a simple combination of acid reflux and mental retardation."
The final bosom donor was 21-year-old Elder Joseph Brigham Allpink who met an untimely end while on a mission in the Central American country of Costa R. (the country asked that its last name be withheld to avoid publicity).
When young Elder Allpink met his death at the hands of a potential convert he was 9 days short of breaking the world's record for consecutive days of having the same door slammed in the face of a missionary. He and his companion had returned daily to the shack of Juan Jesus Cristo for almost two years when the tragedy struck.
For some time Juan had been opening the door only to shout, "I'll shit!" The missionaries assumed they had arrived at an awkward time and returned the next day.
On the 713th day Juan opened the door and before slamming it shot Allpink between the eyes. According to his companion, Elder Allpink's last words were, "He wasn't saying, 'I'll shit!' He was saying, 'I'll shoot!'"
Fortunately for Hinckley, Allpink was carrying the newly designed organ donor card with the bosom square checked.
Interviewed in the Utah Allpink family home in American F. (the city asked that its last name be withheld to avoid publicity) his mother stated that she, her eleven other children, husband, and sister wives were "pleased as punch" that her son was chosen as bosom donor for the Patriarch.
Her only disappointment was that he had not broken the world's record for consecutive days of proselytizing. She confided one of his seven younger brothers was sure to break it.
She also announced the American F. Mayor plans to posthumously bestow the city's highest award -- The Golden Fork. It consists of a proclamation signed by the Mayor designating Elder Joseph Brigham Allpink Day, a $69 gift certificate to ZCMI department store and a bronze fork.
Hinckley profusely thanked the family and said he knew the surgery was a success when he received a revelation while recovering from the anesthesia and being disconnected from the bosom-lung machine.
While declining specifics, he hinted the revelation concerned the "Exmo problem." He was to, "Stamp out that computer thing... Internet," by directing saints to send hate mail to "that abomination, The Latter Day Lampoon Site." He added he wasn't sure what a Lampoon Site was but with prayer and fasting he hoped it would be revealed.
He will convalesce at the church-owned 11,000-acre duck-hunting preserve near the Southwest shore of Utah Lake. Hinckley quipped, "I hope to get my ducks in a row and kill at least two with one shot!"
The attending physician announced that someday bosom transplants may be as common as heart transplants. He asked for donations to the new nonprofit Foundation for Bosom Burn Research. Then he closed the press conference with prayer.
Reply from Exmo Bill Huffman, Jerry the Aspousetate's Brother-in-law:
While Jerry has never been a real Mormon his Bosom seems to have an excellent overall appreciation for Mormonism even though certain details may be slightly inaccurate. - #46 - 08/25/2000 - Jerry

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