Bishop In The Bedroom


The First Presidency's position on private patriarchal passion proves preposterous. First Presidency Statements and Policy On Marital Relationscourtesy of www.mormons.org.


Temple recomend interviews in Chattanooga, during the 1980's (I don't know if they still do this), included asking if you ever used a tanning bed, drank caffeinated drinks, used contraceptives during marital relations, or engaged in any unholy and deviant sexual practices with your spouse (oral or petting, anal had not even been imagined as a possibility).

I am no longer a True Believing Mormon, and I resent the church for a lot of the crap they made me suffer, but still can't get the guilt and brain washing out of my mind! - 12/27/2004 - anon

_____________________

I was taught masturbating was evil, Holy shit, that is like saying breathing or eating is evil. Masturbating is the saftest sex possible, and has many health benefits.

I had to be weighed down in guilt thru my teenage years because I couldn't quite think on my own. I remember every week I was like "oh shit now I have to go and confess my sexual sins to Mr. Suit and Tie godly man" (always man of course, and 99% of the time white too). What stress that I didn't need at that time. now I know better.

I should pretend that I need organized religion to be happy and go confess to a bishop, I would tell him that I stick telephones up my ass while giving oral to my friends just for fun just to see his damn reaction. ha ha. - 12/01/2003 - anon

When I was a True Believing Mormon, a bishop asked me during an interview for a church calling.."Do you know it is a sin to with-hold sex from your husband?" I told him-it wasn't a problem for me(I never with-hold).. Needless to say, my husband was furious. We just chalked this experience up to another "man" that wasn't acting accordingly.. What's up with these freaks asking for such details anyway? - 11/07/2003 - anon

On and off again wife

07/20/2003 from jeditabber

Well, guess my story is very similar (but with some severe exceptions) to most of yours. Upon meeting my future-wife, she gave up her virginity 2 months into the dating, but after 8 months of TORRID sex, she decided it was "ungodly" and cut me off completely. Well, long story short, 14 months (and NO sex) later, we're getting married in the LA temple. Should put the end to church interference in our bedroom, right?

WRONG!!! About a year after our wedding, Wifey hears an audio tape by a GA condemning oral sex as "animalistic and unholy" and decides she wants to stop the practice. Keep in mind her physiology is such that she cannot achieve orgasm ANY other way than thru oral. Well, no amount of cajoling on my part will change her mind, until she talks to our Bishop. Our bishop at that time (a truly caring, compassionate and open-minded man by morg standards) tells her not to worry and that if she & I both want to do something in the bedroom that doesn't violate our temple covenants, why not?

My wife's guilt flies out the window, and our marriage bed becomes wonderful again. Eventually we delve into anal, toys, and, incredibly enough, videos, as well. She enjoys it all immensely.

Fast forward to 5 years ago. We leave the church. Various reasons too numerous to detail in this posting. Suffice to say, despite what TBM's might say, we did NOT leave the church specifically so we could go against it's standards. But that's what we wound up doing.

About 3 years ago a former co-worker of mine (female) casually informs me & my wife that she is bisexual. You can guess what happened. Things were wonderful for us all, and we were even talking about the 3 of us growing old together, when suddenly, my wife gets another attack of morg-guilt.

Now, she's cut off her sexual relationship with our friend (but oddly, urges me to continue it), and has even started reading the BOM again and has attended 3 sacrament meetings since May. Of course, our "current Bishop" (never met the man, and if I do, I'll probably rip off his head and shit down his neck) has sternly cautioned her about the "devilishness" of believing that she's bisexual and how dare she even THINK she could be happy in such an arrangement!?!?!? ("Wickedness never was happiness." Not unless we TELL you so, anyway.)

Interesting isn't it, that the church which did (and still does, in its more secret doctrine) espouse - pardon my pun- polygamy, casts such sharp condemnation on the same kind of relationship between 3 consenting adults. Why, because all the partners are equals? Because there's a little muffin-bumping going on? Why, exactly? Seem a tad hypocritical and double-standardish to anyone out there?

So, here I am looking at possibly losing my wife of 11 years, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, because of misplaced morg-guilt, which cannot even overlook the inconsistencies and hypocricies of LDS doctrine!! How long does it take to deprogram someone from the morg-washing????

Temple Recommend Fill-in-the-Blanks

05/02/2003 submitted by Debs72
created by misspeabody and stringbean of the exmormon.org bulletin board

When I was a kid, we used to get these books of 'fill-in-the-blanks' games. Such fun! We would come up with the wildest answers! So try this (fill-in-the-blanks) temple interview.

1. Do you believe __, the Eternal __, in his Son, __ , and in the __; and do you have a firm __ of the __?

2. Do you __ the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the __, __, and __ ; and do you __ him as the only person on the earth authorized to __ all priesthood __?

3. Do you __ the other General Authorities and the local authorities of the Church?

4. Do you __ the law of chastity?

5. Is there anything in your __ relating to members of your __ that is not in __ with the __ of the Church?

6. Do you __ with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are __ to or __ those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or do you __ with the __ of any such group or individual?

7. Do you earnestly __ to do your __ in the Church; to __ your __, priesthood, and other __; and to __ the rules, laws, and commandments of the __?

8. Are you honest in your __ with your __?

9. Are you a full-__ payer?

10. Do you keep the __?

11. Have you ever been __ or are you now separated from your __ under __ of a __? If yes, (a) - Are you __ in your __ and other __ for __, as specified by __ or in other written, binding __? (b) Were there any __ of __ in connection with your __ that have not been previously __ with your bishop?

12. If you have received your __ -- (a) Do you keep all the __ that you made in the __? (b) Do you __ the authorized garments both day and night?

13. Has there been any __ or __ in your life that should have been __ with priesthood authorities but has not?

14. Do you consider yourself __ in every way to enter the __ and participate in temple __?

Stringbean's reply

1. I have a firm testimony of the colossal waste of time, money and honor that is a cult religion....and in many cases, any organized religion (lest I generalize)

2. I abhore, detest and disrespect the C.E.O., Liar, and Profiteer of the LDS or any other manipulative and destructive private or public enterprise.

3. I mock and shun the General Authorities and local Authorities. I never voted for them and they are not authorities over ME.

4. I believe the law of chastity to have been invented by perverts, for the sole purpose of controlling, invading privacy, and otherwise preying upon and abusing those who trust them.

5. I have items in my bathroom cabinet relating to my husband's male member, that is not flavored in accordance with the Jell-O recipes of the church.

6. I consort with groups and individuals which attempt to prove wrong and remove power from the false teachings and abusive practices of the church. I belong to those groups which care for the survivors of said abuse, and cherish the freedoms and emotions of exmormon and nevermormon individuals.

7. I earnestly refuse to give blowjobs in the church. I seek always to observe the penishood and other "eCLITsiastical" positions in the parking lot (but that's story for another time), or preferrably a nice hotel suite; contrary to the laws and commandments of a good 'ol white (and straight) boys' club. And according to the dictates of my own body.

8. I am honest with my feelings and thoughts except when to do so would do harm to another or to myself.

9. I am a full tax-payer, unlike the Morg or other tax-exempt organizations.

10. I keep the coffee pot prepared locked and loaded.

11. I am culturally seperate from my True Believing Mormon family under the conditions of religious differences. They think they are gods in embryo...I don't.

12. I have received my Driver's License, and keep proof of the insurance I purchased in the glovebox. I have special garments which I wear only for the purpose of quick and lustful removal. These are purchased at Victoria's Secret and not from any LDS source.

13. There has been nothing in my life that should have been discussed with any priesthood authority, since every aspect of my life is my own fucking business.

14. I consider myself as worthy a human being as any other in every way to enter the joy of life; To participate in the conversion of temples into homeless shelters, and refuges from domestic violence.

______________________________________

I think that there weren't be so many problems in marriages if there was so much uncertainty about intimacy in a marraige. I know that is our #1 problem, differences in opinions about sex, and I think I'm right and she thinks she's right. In the end it has only brought us much sadness. Something so important in marraige with so many variables needs to be educated better in the church. Oral sex is our biggest wedge between us and has caused many problems, I feel it is ok to do, she doesn't. - 04/19/2003 - anon

My dad was a Bishop...and I used to watch him masturbate all the time thru a crack in the wood of our bathroom door... I guess he never got the word about the M word...because he seemed to enjoy it.. and so I have done it all the time using the same hand method I saw him use... - 04/09/2003 - anon

I read this stuff whenever in a moment of weakness I fee like going back to church. Haven't had a "worthiness" interview in 13 years, and am a better man for it. - 04/09/2003 - anon

I have heard that after taking vow's sometimes the bishop or ? would request to watch a couple have sex before the leave temple.This is to be sure they consumate the mariage so they cannot get devorced. Is the true?

As far as the oral sex, anal sex and sex in general goes, this is just something that is not brought up much outside my group of friends. At the "Y" its a common topic. - 12/16/2002 - anon

Un-real Sex Mormon Style

11/02/2002 from unreal sex

Let me tell you about unreal sex, Mormon style.

First, I am 16 years old and am not a member of the Mormon Church. I was dating this talented but fragile and disturbed Mormon girl a year older than I named Naomi. Mimi, I call her, was an exceptional musician and won contests and had a bright career ahead. But she practiced so much and was so obsessed with her music that she didn't have any resilience to the usual little adversities in life. She was very immature and undersocialized, living in a bubble, with no friends and no life outside of church and classical music. I think her family was too rigid and highly dysfunctional. Music was her escape. I must admit that she was far more attracted to me than I was to her. But since I didn't have any other romantic interests and she played so much better when I brought her flowers or wrote poetry for her, so mostly for the greater good of mankind and her music career I agreed to be her boyfriend.

One day, out of the blue, Mimi told me that she wanted to try sex. She said that her music sounded so innocent and naive. She wanted to add the energy and turmoil of late teenage sensuality to it. She was embarassed that everyone in the world could tell that she was a 17 year old virgin. Well, I could think of a dozen reasons not to. Our parents would kill us. God might not be happy about it. Her church might ax her and come after me. She might get pregnant and that would send her music into a tailspin. In my limited experience, I have observed that teenage sex usually ruins friendships.

We went to a school dance and later to this secret private party. It was for an exclusive group of snotty cheerleaders and football players, a sort of combination Get Drunk & Sleep Over. We would never have been allowed to sneek into this party except that Mimi bought about half the booze. These were not our friends, they were way above us in social status.

Mimi was wearing a rather immodest short black silky gown with spagetti straps and she immediately started downing the hard stuff. I made acquaintance with the family dog who had a taste for beer and I didn't drink more than a mouthful, just enough to not attract attention. Mimi started kissing me and slobbering on me and getting crude. Everyone was making fun of her. Then she pulled off her pantyhose and panties and rolled me down on the floor with her. People were looking up her dress at her bare ass and laughing out loud at her. She wanted to do it right there in front of everyone while they cheered or rather jeered her on. I wouldn't cooperate and so she got pissed and shouted for anyone else who wanted to do it. There were plenty of volunteers who would screw her and laugh at her while doing it.

I wanted to get her out of there but couldn't think of a graceful way to do it. Then I thought that if I got her even more drunk she might pass out or get sick or something. So I grabbed a half pint of Vodka and took mouthfuls of it and while kissing her, squirted it into her mouth. It was gross but she loved it and soon she was in a half conscious helpless and witless state. The focus of the party drifted elsewhere and I dragged her into the nearest bedroom which was already occupied by our lovely senior class president humping two football players. I took the bedspread off, not the quilts and rolled Mimi up in it. They told us to leave but they were too drunk to notice that we didn't.

Mimi and I slept on the floor and it was a long restless night. I decided that the best thing to do was try and make her think that she had lost her virginity while being so intoxicated that she couldn't remember it. So I hiked her skirt up to her waist and pulled the straps of her gown down to uncover her breasts beneath the bedspread. Its not like I haven't already stolen a peek down the front of her dress a thousand times before and she is not that endowed in that department in the first place. When she woke up a few hours later I told her she was great, the best sex of the entire party!

A couple hours before Mimi woke up, the lovely senior class president stumbled out of bed and stepped right on me. I got a good look at her lovely bare ass. "You want to make it three?" I kidded. "F--- you," she responded. Now there is a piece of woman flesh I would not resist and under the circumstances I wished she ment what she said. But she immediately vanished into the bathroom without further remark. The only other episode to mention was when this jerk offered me twenty bucks to let him have a quickie with Mimi, "she'll never know," he promised. I delivered Mimi home with a horrible headache, virtue secretly intact early the next morning.

Mimi got into so much trouble with her parents and so did I. First we were forbidden to ever speak to each other again and it became my fault for taking her to this party. Some popular people at school also got in trouble and our tenuous social status fell through the floor. Mimi had a tremor from being drunk so bad she couldn't play well for a couple weeks and she botched up one major concert. Her mother called the police and had me investigated for rape. This frightened me more than words can describe. Consensual sex seemed like the most believeable story. And Mimi concurred seperately so I got off the hook with them.

Mimi remained suspicious that I had tricked her and actually not done it. First, she had no memory. Second, she knew that I had never actually agreed to it. Third, she thought that it was suppose to hurt the first time, even the next morning and she had no physical pain. Fourth, no one at the party rememebers seeing me undressed. Fifth, everyone is still laughing at her and calling me a fag.

But then Mimi missed her period. And the lovely senior class president told her that I was an animal and tried to molest her at the party. So that somehow gave credibility to the story. For a couple of weeks Mimi experienced the anguish of unprotected teen sex. And sex she couldn't even remember. "Put that in your music," I told her.

Mimi wanted to do it again, just once so that at least she could remember something. I knew she wasn't pregnant just irregular. So I didn't want to for all of the above reasons. "Once" was enough for me.

Mimi got religious and wanted to repent. She told her Mormon Bishop everything she could remember but honestly she still wasn't sure that we had actually done the forbidden act. Mimi dumped me then promised to take me back if I went in and told her Bishop everything. So to amuse her, I told the tightass Bishop the whole truth. Yes, Mimi got really drunk. Yes, Mimi got naked enough. Yes, I kissed her and looked at her breasts. Yes, she wanted to do it, the intent was clearly there. But no, Bishop we did not actually do that which is forbidden in the Bible.

The Bishop did not believe me. He tried to force me to say what he wanted to hear and he seemed overly interested in the details. But in the end when he realized that he could not push me around, he called me a "child of hell" and told me that back in Utah a Bishop could have the likes of me horsewhipped. Yeh right. He ordered me to never talk to Mimi again, like that is going to work.

So that is what I get for protecting the chastity of a disturbed little Mormon girl whom I happen to like. And catch this, I am now barred from taking the missionary lessons and getting baptised into the Mormon church. Pretty hilarious. (Mimi doesn't think so.) I bet few of you can beat this, getting kicked out of the Mormon church BEFORE you join.

For now it is love on the rocks for us, the last two virgins. Mimi is grounded for ever and now I only see her at school. She is busy punishing herself by refusing to play her music. The Bishop is supervising a strict ordeal of six months of constant scripture study, prayer, fasting, etc., to cleanse her soul. Basically life sucks. So what else is new?

Your sex will be unreal!!!

10/21/2002 from bgs6@msn.com

I have read some of the comments on this page and have to admit I diagree with the majority of them. Sex is unbelievable, we all know that. It is how my wife and I are able to show our deepest feelings for each other. We are both very active members of the church. We have always believed and always will always believe that once our marriage was sealed in the temple the bedroom portion of our marriage was between us. We let each other know what we're comfortable with and what we're not and we have the best sex on earth. We both find it a sad situation when members let rumors and undoctrinated suggestions ruin their sex lives. Listen to the spirit and have good communication in your marriages and your sex will be unreal!!!

Sex wasn't that big of a deal in a marriage

10/19/2002 from Happily Fornicating Outside the Church

I had a misguided bishop tell me to go ahead and marry the fiance who had just told me he was gay...that sex wasn't that big of a deal in a marriage and I'd learn to get along without it.

Oral Sex vs. Eternal Life

09/14/2002 from jon_ecash@hotmail.com

Many of the attitudes contained within this sucks. What are we here for? What does eternal life mean? I want to do oral sex, but I wouldn't trade it for eternal life. Those that have a hard time keeping the commandments of god lack faith. I bet they don't read the scriptures and pray like they were taught in primary. Get a clue. Satin blinds. He is the one that causes the hate and anger related to subjects of this sort. Let us remember the sacrifice of our loving Father and Son Jesus Christ. I love them both and desire to follow the councel given in His church because I beilive it to be the true church of God. And if it is the promise is true, if you remain faithful to the end (in this fraction of our existance) we will return home to our father and experience joy beyond any sexual pleasure we can experience in this life. It just takes faith.

_______________________________
I've been reading this stuff and I find it very entertaining. Is it okay to have a threesome in the Mormon church if a man is married to the 2 women? If it is, then where do I sign up? - 06/28/2002 - from never was a mormon

I attended Ricks College back in 94 to 96. My marriage and Family teacher told our class that the whole oral sex thing came about in the early 80's (if you have Oral Sex you cannot attend the Temple.) then dissapeared 9 months after the announcement. (Temple attendance dropped through the floor.) The official statement that was expressed by my teacher was "what ever goes on in your bedroom is between you and your Spouse." I have never been asked if I have had oral, vaginal, or anal or any sexual related questions. The bottom line is if they did ever ask,it is none of their business. I get asked if I live the law of chasity? And yes I do. Do we have Oral Sex? Of course. But that is between my wife and I. I made a covenant to not have any sexual relations with anyone except who I am legally married to, and that is my wife. So if we engage in oral sex that is a sexual relation is it not? So the answer is I live the law of Chasity. - 05/25/2002 - from busterrev11@hotmail.com

The Dr Seuss Temple Recommend Interview

05/20/2002 - Nephihaha of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Found this, found it funny. Reminded me of the way the Bishop might have talked if he was a cat in a hat who liked green eggs and ham, and Nephi's brother Sam.

"Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the a**?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is your Purity.

Copyright 1996 by William Elton"

I am a member and have a strong belief in the churchs teachings, for the most part, but when it comes to asking or telling what can an shouldnt be done in the bedroom o a maried couple I think that that pushes it a little far. I feel as though if Oral Sex in particular was not meant to be done then Heavenly Father would not have made it enjoyable! It is all part of sharing your feelings and emotions with the one that you are to be with forever. There is nothing wrong with it and I will do it with my husband and if the bishop asks me then I will tell him that it is my business and not his. - 05/18/2002 - Kattie

Sociology, French Kissing and Loss of Virtue

12/21/2001 - from loeper@jhs.tohoku-gakuin.ac.jp


Well, I just have to tell you how I might have lost out with a girl who, to this day, I think probably would have been the best match for me. Bear in mind that although I am not bad looking I am no competition for the very tall Aryan nation of LDS RMs. So my tenure at BYU was fraught with as much frustation with women as my tenure before I joined the church back East.

But finally Nancy gave me the eye during sacrament meeting and it wasn't long before we were dating and, most signifigantly, going to the temple together (a sure sign the relation is on track for eternity). Nancy was short, cutesey, but no one would mistake her for Miss America, was an RM herself and waited forever in line to get tickets to the BYU-USU game one year (won by the Y in OT thanks to Greg Baeliff's game tying jumper from the corner with 1 tick on the clock.)

Anyway here we are in the temple parking lot after the session waiting for my car to warm up as it was January and we start kissing. I mean just kissing...with a little French kissing being thrown in. I swear that's all we did and, furthermore, I don't particularly like French kissing so don't ask me what I was thinking. Well, for the next little while she starts acting squirrly. What's the matter I ask. Turns out her Sociology professor (not even a religion professor...I mean at least there would be a certain logic to it, right?)but this Sociology professor tells the class that French kissing is a 'partial' loss of virtue.

This partial loss of virture ended up being a full loss in the relationship and I end up marrying a real loser off the rebound. Nancy, I hope you're happy. I mean it. And I hope BYU wins all their games. But somebody put a bag on the Sociology Dept. Please. None of my kids will ever be going to the Y.

10/26/2001 - from bishops put me to sleep

Is not this section dedicated to all bedroom activity? Why the obsession with oral sex?

Another extremely important bedroom activity is sleeping. Bishops certainly have a big influence on sleeping behaviors. Why I believe that I have a (not so rare) form of narcolepsy, where the very sight of a Bishop behind the pulpit puts me to sleep. The more you sleep in church, the less you need to sleep at home. Tell me that doesn't influence what goes on in the bedroom! Furthermore if the Bishop gets you so mad that you leave the church, then that leaves even more time in the bedroom and more options.

10/11/2001 - anon

I'm disgusted with the church's attempts at interfering in other people's sex lives. I remember how horrified I was when I read the official statetment of the the first presidencies put out saying that oral sex for married couples was unnatural and that if they practiced it they couldn't go to the temple. Of course none of the men making up this shit have any idea what it's like to be a woman and to need other methods of sexual technique than just the missionary position. I've also read a quote by an old GA refering to orgasms as an evil fad. Obviously he wasn't talking about male orgasms since those are necessary for procreation. But of course female orgasms and any methods used to produce them are "evil" and the church continues on it's crusade to dehumanize women. Not one thing about the church's policies on sex displays any respect for women's sexual needs.

07/16/2001 - Candy

My story concerns an interview by a bishop several years ago. When he asked me if I had a "problem" with masturbation, I said "No, I have NO problems with it whatsoever..." HOWEVER, if he'd looked into my mind, he would've seen/heard me say "No, bishop, I have NO problems with masturbation. I do it frequently and enjoy the hell out of it. I have multiple orgasms and have my techniques down extremely WELL! As a matter of fact, if you run across anyone who has problems with it, please give them my phone number and have them call me and I'll do my BEST to help them with their problems!" If only I'd had the nerve to say just that very thing... I'm out of the church now, and can't even believe I once thought ANYONE had a right to ask me such a personal thing... You know what I think?? I think the bishops that ask the most embarrassing questions just do it so they can go back home later and jerk off while thinking of the answers...

07/13/2001 - Gary in pdx

When I was in my early teens the bishop asked during a temple reccomend interview if I'd ever had sex with our family dog. What sort of sick perverted twisted f*@k would even think to ask such a question of a child? Were I to ask that of a youth on the street I'd likely be arrested, and rightly so. But put the cloak of religious authority around it and the question becomes OK. One of the countless reasons why I am no longer a morg.

GA's Blown out of Proportion

07/13/2001 - anon
If you don't doubt that the LDS church leadership condemn cunnilingus or fellatio, see pages pp 163-171 of this worthless book they blessed, and which was even promoted by the ever charming, but never edible Marie Osmond Between Husband & Wife : Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy While the authors spent 8 pages blowing old GA quotes in their chapter titled "Drawing the Line," they never mention a specific practice by name. It's only when you look in the book's index under "Oral Sex" that you find out what they're really talking about.

Too bad, since the best sex my temple-wedded wife and I have had has usually been of the oral variety. That's one book I'll never show her, that's for damn sure.

06/29/2001 - bcouns from recovery bbs

What do you call an old man who asks young ladies what kind of underwear they wear, whether or not they have oral/anal sex with their husband, what foods they eat and don't eat, whether they've been divorced, and who are the people they affiliate or associate with?

A pervert? A psychopath? An IRS auditor? Or a caring concerned Mormon Bishop?

06/12/2001 - morman28@hotmail.com
As a newly wed years ago, I sheepishly asked my bishop about proper Mormon bed etiquette. The guy's face suddenly went grim as he decreed my wife and I should only engage in sex to have children. I was crestfallen. Determined to follow his council, I instructed my wife we wouldn't do the dirty until and unless we wanted kids.

Loving as always, but madder than hell at the bishop, my wife acquiesced. I came to my senses two days later and said, "Screw it!" We've had a ball ever since.

06/12/2001 - anon
Let me preface these comments with the caveat that I have a testimony of the Church and it's mission. I think however that this experience that I endured is still funny and should be shared.

A few years ago my wife (I have since divorced the b***h) arranged a meeting with our Bishop to discuss an "important subject" but I was told by her not get alarmed. Upon arrival and the opening prayer my wife related to the Bishop how she had discovered from her sister that I wanted to have anal sex with her. After the shock dissapated with emotion greater than indignation I decided that if she could relate such private intimacies so could I. I then told the Bishop how that my wife liked to be fingered in her "bung-hole" and that it made her orgasm like crazy. After he turned two shades of green he asked what it would take to end this situation. I told him that oral sex and anything else for that matter was OK in the bedroom as long as both partners agreed. He told me that oral sex was immoral but declined when I challenged him on the subject by asking him to take the matter before the stake Prez.

When were going through our divorce a few years later we actually did the anal thing and she LOVED it.I do believe the Church is true however, the old pioneering ethos needs to be purged!!

06/05/2001 - the therightrev
'twas not from a Bishop, but an old prune faced sunday school teacher, who told a room full of hormone raging teens that a womans breats were only for nursing and had no other value at all....

Then there was my wicked friend, when asked during his 'interview' if he had and problems with masturbation my friend said :"NO it works every time" Needless to say the bish was not amused, my friend never did go on a mission he found joy and peace as a musician, later converted and played guitar at many pentecostal churches in the Pacific Northwest.

04/15/2000 - anon
If a Bishop ever asks me about oral sex I will punch him in the nose and tell him thats what he gets for sticking it into other peoples business!

04/05/2000 - anon
My sister-in-law was offended when a bishop asked her about oral sex in the early '80s. They had seven kids at the time. Like, if they WERE having oral sex, it sure as heck didn't affect their ability to bring forth tabernacles for little spirits. :-)

03/30/2000 - anon
When my fiance and I were getting our first temple recommends we were told by our branch president that oral sex was a violation of the Law of Chastity. Naturally, my wife seized on that admonishment and regrettable that practice was barred in our bedroom for years. Funny though, giving each other "hand jobs" was never forbidden by the

Church and I often wondered why bringing one's wife to climax with some skillful fingerplay was perfectly fine but using your tongue wasn't.

Anyway, we moved to a different state and got our recommends renewed there. This time the oral sex question never came up in the interview. I later asked my bishop was oral sex okay or not okay. He reluctantly told me that it was okay but I got the impression that he either didn't believe that in his heart or else he was just wistful because his wife didn't think so. My wife was not pleased with the news I had to give her but she steadfastly refused to ask the bishop herself.

Anyway, a couple of years later we did the deed anyway and she would have a mattress-rattling orgasm every time and almost without exception feel some regret for having crossed the line, so to speak, our old branch president's admonishment still ringing in her ears I guess.

02/22/2000 - anon
A friend attended BYU during one of the big oral sex pogroms at the married student wards a few years ago and told me this antedote. At the close of an especially graffic and harsh lecture on the topic by the Bishop, this guy from Wyoming, slightly older and more weather-beaten than the usual student gave the closing prayer. He asked the Lord to "Bless our good Bishop to stop his hellish obsession with young temple married couples and their bedroom activities, and to pay more attention to his own wife and her physical needs.

The prayer was answered. They didn't hear another word on the topic. Perhaps the Bishop's wife said (did?) something to him who knows.

02/20/2000 - anon
Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier if part of the Temple marriage was being watched by the Prophet on your honeymoon night. That way if anything gets too enjoyable he can remind the couple how sacred everything is right then.

01/17/2000 - Aaron
When I was in the MTC there was a rumor circulating (one of thousands) that the storyteller formerly known as Paul H. Dunn gave a colorful response to a missionary's question about sex with garments. He purportedly said something to the effect of "If you can do it with your garments on, then you're a bigger man than me."

01/17/2000 - anon
I know on my wedding night at the reception, my father in law (who was a bishop) told us that we should put our garments back on after "you know what". To this day I can't get my TBM (True Believing Mormon) wife to consider any alternatives to sleeping without G's on! Maybe she wants the protection?

01/14/2000 - Val
I know in our case we were told to make love with the garments on.... I have said this a few times but it is always so hard to explain to people... the reson for this was that all children would be created through the blessing of the priesthood. Trust me it didn't do a thing for us romantically....

01/14/2000 - Alicia
I assumed a lot of things weren't allowed, based on things I had heard. My husband was told that it was innappropriate for us to remain naked after intercourse and should dress in our garments as quickly as possible.

01/13/2000 - Byron
I have heard varying words of advise from "anything goes that you both feel good about" to "Oral sex is an abomination in the sight of the Lord and should not be engaged in for any reason." I don't think the church has an "official" stance on it. (do they have an 'official'stance on anything???) Therefore it is left pretty much to the musings of the various stake presidents and bishops to determine what the rules should be.

I myself was counseled against oral sex by a stake president. I was also counseled to keep my garmens on a portion of my body during sex. Now, this SP was an elderly man, and his ideas were probably out of touch with the new and revised ideas of mainstream mormonism today, but when you are 21 years old and you are as naive as I was about church doctrine, a SP's counsel is in fact law, especially for my wife. Well, a few years ticked by, and the wife and I are in the heat of it, and I go down on her for the first time. She has an overpowering orgasm and afterwards is holding me and crying. I assume she is crying because it was so good and we felt so close, instead, she reveals to me that she is overcome by guilt for having participated in such an evil practice in a moment of weakness.

This is abuse of the worst kind. The church's biggest fault is the interviewing process. Interviews about every aspect of your life. With guidelines that the average members know nothing about. The words of your leaders are the words of the prophet we are taught. We are taught not to question.

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