Frequently Asked Questions

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"I told the brethren that the Salamander Society was the most correct of any web site on earth, and the seer stone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to Kolob by abiding by its precepts, than by any other website." Hysteria of the Church 4:461

Who staffs the Salamander Society?

The Salamander Society is a volunteer effort, run by former members of the LDS ("Mormon") Church. The site is owned and published by Cricket.

Besides these above mentioned people, as well as our crack team of "Angels taking silent notes through the veil", the following people have consecrated their time and talents to the bulding up of the Salamander Society.

The Heber Creeper
The Mad Jesuit
Nightingale
Neophi
Onandagus
Byron
Cheryl Goodytiptoes
cricket
Kelly Jean
Bill Gardiner
Pat McKitrick
MaKolob
Skunk Puppet
Mike Paglia
Stray Mutt
Beli
Kilgore Hoodles
Kathy W
Jerry the Aspousestate
Susan
Quevedo
Nephihaha
Pioneer Stock

How do I make a donation?

Donations maintain the website and the Annual Salamander Awards. The Salamander Society is non-commercial so donations are appreciated but not tax deductible.

(PayPal link under construction)

Why has not the Lord struck you dead?

Because He permits humanity to operate under a principle called agency, and will judge men according to their use of it at the last day. You have abused your agency and will be condemned because of it. Instead of striking you dead, the Lord has permitted you to ripen in your iniquity so that your eternal damnation will be just. You will one day wish that he had struck you dead.

In response to the other part of your question, "Why has the Lord not struck us deaf and dumb?" I believe that he has. Your ears are obviously deaf to the spirutual truth, and you also clearly qualify according to at least one definition of the word "dumb".

Now that I anwered your question, please humor mine. Why do so many ex-Mormons develop contempt for the church and desire to drag sacred ordinances through the mud? Why not just leave the church and pursue other religous avenues? I believe the answer to this question is that the spirit of the devil has overtaken such people as yourself, and therefore you do his bidding, unwittingly at best. Your punishment will come, and will be far worse that physical death.

I will cease correspondence, pending an intellegent reply. - S.M.

I have ALMOST been struck down by lightening!!!! I got zapped by two separate lightening strikes and then I missed being killed by fortuitously letting go of a metal boat stanchion moments before it was struck by a third - and direct - lightening hit. This happened on a boat during a violent squall off Islamorada in the Florida Keys a few years back. All 3 lightening hits occurred in a matter of minutes and left us dead in the water in raging weather with all electronics fried. I have never been so terrified in my life.

? Point of this story?

Well Ö this all happened long before I became acquainted with the Salamander Society site ... BUT since I have become a contributing Slamtooner, I have not been struck by lightening even once!

Ergo, by using my magical thinking cap, I must be doing Godís work.

So there, Mr. TBM (True Believing Mormon). - 11/17/2002 - by Skunk Puppet who contributes frequently to the Salamander Society.

Because God has terrible aim... When I was a Mormon I thought that God had perfect aim and would always hit his target, thus I could always know who was naughty and nice according to who was struck down. Life was simple back then. Now that I'm an exmo, I think God is clumsy. When I'm at work in the emergency room I notice some of the people who are struck down or struck deaf and dumb aren't nearly as wicked as I am and I think why them? So I have just concluded that God is not as skillful as I used to think, and boy am I lucky. - 11/17/2002 - happyindividual

Editor's Note: Besides God being a "bad shot", God obviously has a sense of humor. Else, the Salamander Society staff would have been fried years ago.

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Who are you, where did you come from and where are going?

We are a group of former Mormons who over the past years took a deep look into Mormonia and were shocked to learn that it does not stand up to the light of day. The reaction to that "shocking" discovery has lead to a prolonged "giggle response" in the form of this web site.

Why can't you just leave "The Mormons" alone?

Two reasons:

1. The Mormons won't leave us alone. Besides the "tracting" we endure continued intrusive contacts from the local ward. Our names are brought up in Priesthood Executive Committee meetings and fellowshipping schemes are hatched to bring us back into the fold. Our relatives are contacted by banks of volunteers in the basement of the Relief Society Building in Salt Lake City who attempt to discover our whereabouts.

What happened to the idea that adults can decide whether they want to attend church or not?

2. Mormonism is just a juicy target for parody and sarcasm. The fact that people actually are serious about gold plates, angels, polygamy, revelations, black skin cursings and "Lamanites" makes for an endless source of the bizarre.

Actually "You can leave the Church, but the Church woof bomb sniffing gerbils intimidate all terrorists and Danites.

How long have you been around or on the Internet?

The Latter Day Lampoon was born in Feb 1999 immediately after the 1999 Ex-Mormon Convention in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Lampoon formerly changed its name to The Salamander Society in September 2005 due to a threatened lawsuit by The Harvard Lampoon and its licensee, The National Lampoon for "trademark infringement."

Okay, I give up, what are you really about?

Actually, The Salamander Society's main mission is to gather and preserve as much non-traditional material about The Mormon Church as possible. This archiving effort is often done with loud laughter and light-mindedness.

How can I get involved?

Join the hundreds of others who submit material to The Salamander Society in the text boxes at the bottom of most pages. Who knows? Maybe you will win a Annual Salamander Award for your creative efforts.

How do I subscribe to your free newsletter?

Surprise! The Salamander Society eMagazine is absolutely free.

It is okay with you if I copy off material from The Salamander Society?

Not only is okay, you're encouraged to pass Salamander Society material around as much as possible. Please credit this site when possible.

How come you don't have any advertising or banner ads?

The Salamander Society is such a pure joy that we don't it defiled by those annoying, eyesore banner ads. Besides we wouldn't want to become a huge commercial endeavor like a few organized religions we know of.

What do "The Brethren" think of The Salamander Society?

They appreciate all the publicity because their PR people keep telling them that "Any publicity is good publicity." The Salamander Society is monitored regularly by Intellectual Reserve, Inc staff at the Church Office Building. We have computer records to prove this.

If you no longer believe in Mormonism, what then do you believe?

Just like Joseph Smith, we believe in thirteen main items.

The Thirteen Articles of Face-Saving

1. We believe in not being so serious about ourselves.
2. We believe in the lampooning of any one person or organization who takes themselves too seriously.
3. We believe that humankind's search for spirituality is highly entertaining.
4. We believe that the space between the "beyond a shadow" and "of a doubt" is as expansive as the universe.
5. We believe that all organized religions have much more in common than they would like to admit.
6. We believe that religious dogmatic movements have been and will always be part of the human experience.
7. We believe it to be dangerous, threatening and entertaining to challenge, criticize and question another person's core belief system.
8. We believe that those most offended by these challenges are the most insecure and fear based.
9. We believe that this web site will have an impact upon the LDS Church equal to Saturday Nite Live's impact upon the Catholic Church.
10. We believe that thirteen articles of saving face is not only too many but also extremely unlucky.
11. We believe that the power of myth is ten times more powerful than any priesthood.
12. We believe that any organization organized on April 6th and composed of more than fifteen people will be more concerned for its own survival than with the survival of any single member of that organization.
13. See article number ten.

Does the Salamander Society have a theme song?

Well, we just happen to have one right here.

Spoof to the Faith

(Tune: "Shall the Youth of Zion Falter" hymn #254)

Shall the youth of Zion falter In googling truth and right?

While the Salamander assaileth, Shall they link or shun the fight? Yes!

True to the site that our parents have banished, True to the spoof of which many have cherished,

To Boyd's shegrin, soul, heart, and hand, Faithful and true we take a parody stand.

While we know the pentiums of M-Star* Seek to thwart the parody of God,

Shall the children of the Salamander Cease to mock the iron rod? No!

True to the site that seminary teachers abhor, True to the spoof of which all our peers surely adore,

To our command, Soul, heart and mouse, Logic and truth is what we forever espouse.

We will work out our web surfing; We will cleave unto the mirth;

We will watch and play and surf With fervent zeal of youth. Yes!

Untrue to the faith for which the pioneers perished, True to the science BYU has not cherished,

To fraud's disband, soul heart and hand, Faithful and true we will ever stand.

We will strive to be found worthy of the Salamanders of Award,

With the funniest ones granted Who have coveted this reward. Yes!

True to save face that our GA's have shamed us, True to ouselves rather than those who have blamed us,

To our command, Soul, heart and hand, Self assured and true we will ever stand.

*M-Star is the church's own Internet Service Provider which contains a "scrubber" that keeps the Salamander Society from being accessed.

When will you shut your web site down for good?

With Mormonism on a severe implosion and decline it appears that The Salamander Soceity will be straightening the deck chairs on the Titanic for a good ten to twenty more years. We will be here commenting on all the "frantic follies of faith" above and below deck on the good ship Mormonia as it joins its sister ship in the outer darkness of oblivion.

What are the secret handshakes of the Salamander Society, and how will I die if I ever reveal what is contained here? Will the Lord call me by my handle when I cross the veil? - 04/12/2008 - doublepierced

Editor's Reply: Being Salamanders we employ the "Patriarchal Slip" for our secret handshake. You will die from being spammed to death if you reveal this secret on the Internet. The Lord will not call you by your handle but instead will call you "damned son of a perdition."

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