L Tom Perry


The enthusiastic servant of the Lord with a cheezy grin

Notes from Kuna Idaho Stake Conference

March 21, 2004

Speaker - L. Tom Perry

In our present Council of the 12 Apostles, there has been no change in nine years. This is the longest in the history of the Church that the same 12 apostles have served together. We asked President Hinckley why this is so and he said our wisdom is needed to stand up against the great changes in the world.

President Packer is the most inspirational spiritual man I've ever had the opportunity to work with. He also can get very irate and it is my job to kick him in the shins if he gets too irate. Next time you see him, ask him to lift his pant legs so you can see my kick marks on his shins!

Elder Haight is stronger today than he has been in a long time. We fully expected him to die last July. His daughter called us and told us the doctors gave him just days to live. But he rallied and he now has a physical therapist that comes to his house every day and works with him. I visited him in his apartment and he showed me that he walks around his table 12 times, then he walks around his couch 12 times, then he walks a circuit in his apartment. He said, "Anything the physical therapist asks me to do, I do twice!" He comes to our council meetings and contributes to each one. We even plan on him speaking for General Conference for 5 minutes-we hope! He can't see well and he doesn't see the teleprompter so we don't know what he will say or how long he will go.

Elder Maxwell's life has been preserved in a most remarkable way. He has been preserved to bless us with that brilliant mind of his. Oh the jewels that come out of Elder Maxwell!

Elder Nelson is the physician to the First Presidency and to the Twelve. If we have an ailment we can talk to him about it. He is our doctor. He still makes hospital rounds. He is the greatest ambassador we have because he has a reputation all over the world. He can go anywhere in the world and people know and respect him because of his great pioneering work in heart surgery.

Elder Ballard is our used car salesman! He is our enthusiastic leader of the missionary department. He is telling our missionaries, "Stop being robots! Learn how to teach by the Spirit!" He has convinced President Hinckley to raise the bar. Now you have to qualify for a mission. We should raise the bar in our own activities. v Elder Scott is our nuclear scientist. He is a computer genius. He helps us all keep our computers working right. He has the talent of looking to the future.

Elder Hales is our international businessman. He was in charge of the international sales of all the men's shaving products and the like for a large international area (I think in the orient). He has a great financial talent. He sits on committees with our First Presidency.

Oh, I forgot Elder Oaks! Well, he's away! No wonder I should forget. He is our judge. He is very detailed like an attorney. Nothing escapes his mind. I send him a message and replies back correcting my voice-mail! He understands the law and principles. He is our great public relations man. He understands the needs of the Church.

Elder Holland is our great student. President of a university or two. He is an excellent writer. Whenever there is a difficult assignment in that way, he gets the assignment to do the writing for it.

Elder Eyring . . . I wish someone could explain him to me! He gives me a headache with that brilliant mind of his! When we travel together he sits up front next to the driver and pops questions, trying to understand everyone and everything around him.

Each of us is wonderfully different but as a combination as a whole we make a wonderful high council. We are certain to follow the order of the Church in our meetings and in all we do. This has been clearly established. For example, I would never think of going through a door before Elder Packer. He is the President of our Council. It is the President of the Council who selects the President of the Church. Is there any other way the Lord controls who he selects as a prophet? If He doesn't want an apostle to preside, He who controls life and death calls him home.

Every week the Cummings Chocolate people send us a 3 lb. box of chocolates. In our meeting, we follow our order and President Packer picks first, then I choose, and so on. Poor Elder Eyring has never had a light chocolate yet! Perhaps if he lives long enough!!!

Memorandum

To: Area Directors (U.S. and Canada)

From: CES Administrators' Council

Date: 23 April 2004

Subject: Remarks Inaccurately Attributed to Elder L. Tom Perry

Please forward the following message to all CES teachers and administrators in your area:

On 21 March 2004, Elder L. Tom Perry, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, spoke at the Kuna Idaho Stake Conference. Since that time an e-mail has been circulating throughout the Church purporting to be notes from his speech.

Please be aware that they do not accurately reflect his comments. If you have or receive copies of these notes by e-mail or in some other way, please:

‚€Ę Delete or destroy them.

‚€Ę Inform the person who sent them to you that the remarks are not an accurate recollection of Elder Perry‚€™s remarks.

‚€Ę Do not use or refer to them in class.

‚€Ę Do not spread or refer to them in any way except to discourage their use when someone else brings them up in conversation.

It is essential that CES personnel remain vigilant in seeing that legitimate sources be used in the CES classroom and in preventing the spread of inaccurate information. The safest sources are those found in official Church publications.

Conflicting Witnesses?

by Tim R

Remember the email I sent a few days ago which was supposed to be from L. Tom Perry? It was posted to a TBM (True Believing Mormon) list I was on and sent to me directly by someone else.

I asked some questions about it on the TBM list because I thought it seemed odd, and wanted to know more about the source. Neither of the people who sent it to me knew much about where it was from except that it was from Kuna Stake originally. Well, here's the weird part. The person who originally posted it had also sent it to a man who's very prominent here in California in the church. He had his secretary call L. Tom Perry's secretary who said that LTP did indeed talk at that stake conference, but that was the only true part about the email, supposedly the rest was a fabrication.

In the meantime, someone else on the list who knew people in that stake sent them the full email, and asked specifically about the "kicking in the shins" quote and the chocolate story. Those people who heard the talk said that they thought the email was a pretty accurate retelling of the talk, and that they specifically remembered those parts.

So there's where that stands now. I posted it over on elwc too (at least what's left of elwc) and Nadine thinks that LTP did make the remarks, but is embarassed by them now that they've been posted around the Internet, and is trying to deny them.

First Presidency Statement

From time to time, in fact all of the time, statements are circulated among members which accurately descirbe Church leaders attributes. Many such statements dissect current Church teachings and are often based on historical fact and logic. They are never transmitted officially, but by word of mouth, e-mail, or the damn Internet. We encourage members of the Church to never pass on such statements without spinning them as if they are from approved Church sources such as official General Conference talks, faith promoting stories and LDS press releases. Any notes made when General Authorities, Area Authority Seventies, or other general Church officers attempt to "wax eloquent" at regional and stake conferences or other meetings should not be distributed without the consent of Kirton McConkie, the Church's law firm. Personal notes are for individual apostasy only.

True spiritual stagnation is based on studying the scriptures, the teachings of the Brethren and Church regurgitations.

Sheepishly your brethren,

Gordon B. Hinckley
Thomas S. Monson
James E. Faust
The First Presidency who are trying to cover L. Tom Perry's ass.

_________________________________

I met him while I was on my mission and he was extremely friendly. Came down to chat with the Elders and cracked a couple of jokes with us. He struck me as a very warm individual. - 11/16/2003 - anon

Perry a frat boy at the old AC

09/04/2003 - anon

I visited a relative in the Veterans hospital and this old drunk in the next bed over who I don't think has darkened the door of a church in 50 years claimed that he knew L. Tom Perry in college up at the old "AC" right after WWII. (Now Utah State University.)

He said that Perry was like a big frisky ram in the middle of a herd of docile sheep. Always laughing loudly, cracking stale jokes, and slapping his friends on the back so hard that it almost knocked them down and pushing other guys around or out of the way. Life of the party whether it needed livening up or not. Way too much energy and enthusiasm. He claimed that Perry was the most popular member of the "best" fraternity on campus and that they were- more out of control back then, it being right after the war than they are today when it comes to pulling pranks, heavy drinking, whoring around, and having a riot.

Perry was supposedly the son of a prominent local church leader and nephew of humorless straight-laced Apostle Alma Sonne and thereby had the reputation that we now more commonly associate with the wild Bishop's daughter.

He couldn't remember Perry actually banging any nasty old time Aggie girls or getting cold drunk. He said that it was unlikely (but possible?) that he didn't, that he was amazed when he first heard that Perry made apostle and that he actually liked the old Perry better than the tame churched one we have now.

L Tom Perry appears as Lucifer at the alter

02/17/2003 - SÝvnlÝsener - Insomniac

My buddie's father was/is mishie friends with L Tom, so he performed the temple sealing.

There was a big debate between the families before hand of Street clothes v. All White.

It was decided by her family: All White.

L. Tom show us a little late and apologized for not being able to change, he was running a bit late, dress in an all black suit.

His two best men (me and another friend) couldn't stop laughing. Because of course you know in the SLC temple the actor who plays Satan is dressed in black and there we were all in white as satan married our buddy to his wife.

L Tom Perry just says "No" to airport missionaries

02/16/2003 - Opie

At the beginning of my mission as I and my MTC group were taken to the SLC airport to leave on our 2-year tour of duty I was slapped in the face with my first real dose of reality in the LDS church.

While walking into the airport I saw coming in the opposite direction from the terminals none other than Apostle L. Tom Perry with his wife. To my ultra innocent little mind I thought it was an incredible good luck omen of the fantastic things yet to come on my mission. Imagine, seeing one of the Lord's Apostles as I was starting my mission! I whispered over to the other Elders in our group "Look! there is Elder Perry!" and we all slowed down, obviously gawking at him as he approached. His wife was the first to see us and she pointed over to us bringing us to his attention. Then, something I will never forget happened: He motioned his hand in that horizontal motion that denotes a negative and said to his wife "No" and walked on without even acknowledging us. Not even a smile and a wave.

I was just a little taken back. Surely he realized what we were sacrificing by being missionaries, right? I then started some rationalization. He was in civilian clothing (jeans and a western style shirt and cowboy boots) and I thought that maybe since he wasn't in his official preaching suit that he was embarrassed. Then I thought that maybe he was just in a hurry. But they were just rationalizations.

Over time as I have replayed this in my head i've become more and more aware that what I really experienced was this: I was just another cog in the great wheel of Mormonism, another expected and thankless missionary out selling the product. Even one of the board members couldn't take the time out to smile and say good luck. That the church has become nothing more than a cold hearted business.

Do you want to know what his nephew by marriage said about him?

02/16/2003 - Playelder

Well too bad, because I'm going to tell you anyway.

On my mission to Georgia in 87-88, I became rather good buds with an elder from Wyoming whose aunt married this particular holy man in question. As we were lounging about on the floor in our garments, eating popcorn on P-Day's Eve, this guy spilled his guts on what it was like to have not only a G.A., but a freakin' Apostle of Jeeeeezus Himself, as an uncle.

Deep down inside we were all somewhat envious of him as he was no doubt gifted with the righteousness by osmosis that we Latter Day Saints all admire, if not downright covet.

Not only was our bubble quickly burst, but the Spirit withdrew from among us as the evil speaking of The Lord's Annointed commenced.

"He's an ass. It's amazing how someone can have a perfect knowledge and understanding of the gospel, and still be such a miserable person to everybody else."

And it came to pass that he went on and on, citing many specific examples of his judgement, insomuch that when he was done, he was ready to march upon him like Lamanites unto Zarahemla that he might smite Uncle L. Tom in his stiff necked ways and cast upon him a yoke of bondage.

This dude had some issues with Apostle/Uncle L. Tom and it was not lost upon me every time I heard him speak thereafter.

The funny thing though, evey time I saw him after that, all I could think of was a bunch of garment clad elders laying around on the floor of a ratty old apartment in Macon, Georia, eating Jiffy Pop and waiting for Sunday to get over with so we could play some basketball early Monday morning.

Hello,

I am the elder from Wyoming referenced in your story about Elder Perry. I was a bit surprised by the story that was related - primarily because it wasn't true. I recall a few Sunday nights when the other Macon elders stayed with us in our apartment and we discussed a wide range of topics. I never used that language, tone and didn't have the issues this anonymous individual refered to. I probably mentioned that Elder Perry has always been a businesslike individual and I was offended by a comment made when I was 16. Elder Perry has contributed a tremendous amount of good to our community, family and me individually. For example, Elder Perry spoke at my farewell and homecoming, he set me apart for my mission and released me, he took about 2 days to travel to our wedding and performed the sealing ceremony. He and his wife contributed generously to my mission for 2 years and the list goes on. I recognize that you are trying to be humorous and don't have to following the standards of responsible journalism. I request you removing the anecdote because it is false.

I was notified of this issue by a friend who contacted me because the characterization didn't fit with any of his lifetime of experiences with me. - 08/09/2003 - anon

Perry's Broken Promise

02/16/2003 - Bert

In the mid-seventies I was in one of the Southeastern states doing my time. I wasnít stationed in the mission home at the time but happened to be there when Mr. Perry came to visit. He said all the right things to manipulate awe and admiration from his audience, and asked each of the missionaries that were there about their families. I opened up, talking about how my widowed mother was home supporting me out here and what a great influence and example she had been in my life. He asked me many very personal questions about her and her situation and then he asked me for her telephone numbers (home and work) and promised when he returned to SLC he would call and let her know personally how I was and how the church appreciated her raising and supporting one of the Lordís ambassadors. Each of us were just amazed at the spirit and unselfishness this apostle of the Lord.

This was something my Mom would have loved and made a huge deal about. There could have been a hundred reasons why he didnít fulfill his promises but he made such a big deal about it and made it sound like it was very unusual for him to personally take an interest like this. This was a very small thing but was one of the first exposures for me to the humanness of these called-by-the-Lord men.

Shaking My Mission President

05/26/2001 - Heavenly Fodder of the recovery bulletin board

I met Elder Perry on my mission. He seemed like a big teddy bear. Very approachable. He picked up our tiny mish prez and lifted him off the ground and shook him like a bear.

\n"; ?>

Add your story about L Tom Perry in the box below and then click submit button. Or email them to Latter Day Lampoon.

Email Address or handle (leave blank to remain anonymous)

Latter-Day Lampoon material is mostly public domain. Check out rights and use information.