"We found that the meanings and usages were nearly identical," said researcher Jeremy Jones. "Even modifications of the words were very similar." Jones gave the example of the use of "crappy" and "shitty."
Researchers recorded the vocabulary usage of over 300 people with various backgrounds from June of 1999 to May of 2004. They recorded the quantity as well as the meaning environments of these two words.
Although popular in Utah County, the word "scrud" was not included in this study
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Although the words were essentially the same, there were some subtle differences. "We found that when the word 'crap' and it's other word forms were written or spoken, the stress levels were slightly lower than when the word 'shit' was used. It was determined that 'shit' was slightly more terse than 'crap' which resulted in slightly higher reactions in pulses and blood pressures." |  |
Although the words were essentially the same, there were some subtle differences. "We found that when the word 'crap' and it's other word forms were written or spoken, the stress levels were slightly lower than when the word 'shit' was used. It was determined that 'shit' was slightly more terse than 'crap' which resulted in slightly higher reactions in pulses and blood pressures."
The only serious situation occurred in October 2003 when an elderly woman was hooked up to monitors and the researcher yelled the word "shit." "She had a heart attack," said Jones. "We had no idea that the word would have such an affect on her. She is fine now, though, but refuses to speak to us."
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Researchers found that atheists used shit more than other groups
and that the Amish used crap a lot. "We don't yet know why the
Amish are so fond of crap. They use the word an average of 5.4
times per day per person which is almost twice the level of the
next highest group. "We speculate it has to do with their use of
animals, but we're not sure," said Jones.
Other findings include that accountants tend to say "shit" more than doctors. The reason, it appears, was due to often occurring "calculation errors" during work hours. It was found that doctors rarely used the word "shit" and when they did the likelihood of malpractice suits was higher.
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Researchers found that few used the words in the context of their primary meanings – that of animal or human excrement.
The study was funded by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as part of an on-going linguist program at BYU.
Sunday June 26, 2005
According to President Hinckley's Second Counselor, James E. Faust, the
waiting has been hard for Elder Monson. "He expected to slide into the
President's chair, oh, about five years ago," explained Elder Faust.
"Meanwhile, Elder Monson's health hasn't been that great, what with
diabetes and all. So even though he's younger than President Hinckley,
there's a chance he could go first, without getting to be the Prophet."
An anonymous family source reveals that Elder Monson has a life-size
voodoo doll of President Hinckley. "On more than one occasion I saw him
kicking and stabbing the doll. One time I saw him set it on fire and
smash it repeatedly with a baseball bat. And such language! Worse than
a church basketball game."
When asked for comment, a member of President Hinckley's staff read a
prepared statement. "The Prophet, Seer and Revelator is aware of Elder
Monson's disappointment, and has only one thing to say: Neener neener
neener."
Sunday June 26, 2005
The tape is reported to be of a meeting between Sister Hinckley and her
attorney, Oscar McConkie. In it, Sister Hinckley said that ever since
her husband had stated to the press that certain pivotal LDS doctrines
were just “couplets,” she knew he had lost the Spirit® and gone over to
the side of the Great Deceiver.
Although the divorce papers were drawn up in the autumn of 1997, and
the documents bear the stamp of the Utah District Court (copies of the
papers were obtained from the Court), it is unclear whether the divorce
actually took place. When asked for clarification, Oscar McConkie
declined to answer, stating it was a confidential matter. Calls to the
Hinckley family were not returned.
According to Deep Doctrine, a deal was brokered. “After all, the Old
Man had a lot to lose if they divorced. Half of everything – including
the church. Don’t follow the prophet, follow the money.” Deep Doctrine
would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Sister Hinckley was “gotten
rid of,” saying with a shrug, “I guess that’s one of the things we’ll
find out in the next life.”
Tuesday June 14, 2005
When contacted for comment, Presiding Bishop David Burton of the Mormon
church replied, “I’ve never heard of them, but I want to assure you,
with every fibre of my being, that this is the only true church on
earth.”
In related news, the British rock band, The Cult has filed an
injunction to stop disaffected Mormons from referring to the sect as
“the Cult.”
Thursday June 16,2005
James Davis, the LDS official overseeing the project, stated, "We
teach abstinence. However not all of our members follow that
important decree ? especially our youth. So we had to
determine which is worse ? unwanted pregnancy or birth
control methods."
Celestial condoms look like regular condoms from a distance, but
when looked at more closely differences become apparent. "We
wanted to send a message to the user as a last ditch effort to
deter the sinful behavior," said Davis. "The messages printed on
the condoms themselves are short but powerful."
Michael Phelps, a BYU student in Provo was skeptical at first but
has since warmed up to them. "I like the messages ?
especially the ones like, ?You shall go to hell.' That's
pretty powerful."
But Becky Worthington, a 17 year old LDS seminary student, thought
they were laughable. "We used the new condoms the other night and
when he put it on, we noticed the message ?You're Bishop's
not going to like this.' It was just so funny because my secret
lover IS my bishop."
Elder Trevor Barton, a missionary serving in Orem, was excited
about the new product. "This is going to make Zone meetings much
more interesting," he stated. "Can't wait to get with the other
guys."
Not everything has gone smoothly for the new product. The first
condom idea tried by the church was a failure. Davis explained,
"The first condoms we made didn't have messages. Instead, we used a
shrinking latex material that we hoped would put the 'squeeze' on
sex, so to speak. However, one user that tested the shrinking
condom had a severe reaction and had to have his member amputated.
This caused liability issues with the church, so we switched to the
printed messages instead of the shrinking material."
The LDS church is so confident in this product that they are making
advertisements for the condoms on radio and television. They can
be purchased at Deseret Book and the Church Distribution Centers
and discount coupons will be available at each meetinghouse. They
will also soon be available to order online at www.lds.org.
Saturday June 11, 2005
"Nothing is too good for the Lord", remarked Hinckley when asked about the cost. "This park will stand as a testament to the faith and heritage of our pioneer ancestors, who would pause regularly for recreation on their long journey across the plains. They had faced bitter persecution. Mobs had destroyed their crops. Corrupt politicians had stolen their land. And yet, they perservered. We will too, in building the Lord's amusement park".
The park, which will feature an 18 foot statue of Hinckley himself at the front gate, is projected to open in May of 2008. "We are going to make church fun again", said Hinckley. "Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvelous?"
Church spokesman Richard Turley explained that "the park will feature three distinct areas, corresponding to the three degrees of glory". Tea and coffee will not be served, in deference to the church's strong stand against them. In their place, soft drinks such as Coca-Cola, Jolt Cola, and Red Bull will be sold. Concession stands will feature all-you-can-eat smorgasbords with barbecue pits modeled after the "ChuckWagon" in Bountiful and "Golden Corral" in Orem, restaurants popular with many Mormons. "Members of the church have been incredibly blessed by the Word of Wisdom", said Turley, finishing a barbecued T-bone steak and a Red Bull. "We intend to keep it that way, both with the beverages and the food we consume".
Children's attractions include "Do You See What I See?", where children dig in a well modeled after Willard Chase's well to find their very own "seer stone". Those children who have paid the $449.95 ticket price will also get their own hat to drop the stone in afterwards. The child telling the most creative story while staring into their hat will win a replica of the armour breastplate Smith later said he used for translating.
Another attraction, "24 Hours", has a projected ticket price of $529.99. Girls from fourteen years of age and up will have the opportunity of being propositioned by an actor portraying Mormon founder Joseph Smith after being locked in a room, in honour of Joseph and Brigham's approach toward young English convert Martha Brotherton. If the girl hesitates to accept his marriage proposals, the actor announces she has "24 hours" to decide whether to be "exalted" or not. "Our young women need to understand how serious marriage is", commented Turley. "Giving them a chance to be propositioned by a real prophet of God will help prepare them for a world all too anxious to misuse our sacred powers of procreation for purposes of mere pleasure".
Family attractions include the game "What's Eternal?". They compete to see which "eternal" doctrines that they've never heard of are real or invented. Options include macabre death oaths re-enacting the slashing of temple intiates' throats, Brigham Young's inclusion into the temple lecture at the veil the claim that Adam was the physical and spiritual father of Jesus Christ, a trinitarian God, that native Americans descend from BOM characters, and the claim that African-Americans - and Native Americans - and Jews - are all cursed or wicked races of human beings. Projected cost: $2499.99 per family.
Planned adult attractions include "A Roll in the Hay", where couples willing to pay the ticket price of $899.95 will be able to have sex in a hayloft modeled exactly after the loft where Mormon founder Joseph Smith first secretly had sex with his teenaged housemaid, Fanny Alger, in 1833.
Other features will include "Ring Around the Christus", modeled after the classic "Tilt-A-Whirl" ride, a waterslide called "The Waters of Mormon" spanning from the top of the new Joseph Smith Memorial Center, circling the top of the Salt Lake Temple, and landing back at the park, and a rollercoaster entitled "Midnight Train to Kolob", whose theme song will be specially recorded by Mormon convert Gladys Knight.
After experiencing "The ElectroShocker", where, in tribute to the many homosexually-inclined BYU students who underwent church electroshock therapy, visitors will have electrodes attached to their temples and genitals and given Taser-like shocks upon being sexually aroused by an artist's rendering of the "comely" Nancy Rigdon or the blonde, ripped, super studly Aryan surfer in a white T and red beach shirt (Jesus), guests may wish to relax in "Abraham's Planetarium".
The Planetarium will feature a detailed representation of the Mormon version of the sky, and explanations of concepts like Enish-go-on-dosh, how the sun draws its energy from the star Kolob, Kokaubeam, and Kolobian versus earthly time zones. Upon exiting, visitors will be given a T-shirt reading, "I visited STAR KOLOB and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!".
Another ride, entitled "The WILLIES", pays tribute to the ill-fated Willie and Martin handcart company. Visitors are required to pull handcarts loaded with three hundred pounds of material around the dusty gravel perimeter of MegaloMormonLand, while child actors, pretending to be their children, fall dead from starvation and exposure, their carcasses devoured by robotronic coyotes. The trip includes regular 15 minute stints in meat lockers with temperatures down to minus 30 degrees farenheit.
Upon emergence from the last meat locker after the three hour "ride", the nauseaous, bleeding, and freezing visitors are derided by an actor playing Brigham Young for "leaving on the trip too late in the year". If any participants - who will have paid the ticket price of $749.99 - complain, they are immediately expelled from MegaloMormonLand. Theme music: "Praise to the Man."
Another ride, "MASSACREE!", will place visitors on a moving train with laser point rifles, who will then have an opportunity to "follow the Lord's anointed" by trying to kill Lilburn Boggs, local Illinois magistrates, United States soldiers with a distate for theocratic dictatorship, Mormon dissidents, and (with virtual tomahawks) the men, women, and children of the Fancher emigrant party.
After the massacre, the participants will gather in a circle and swear a death oath to never reveal who they have just killed, or anything about it, and then finish off with temple signs. Just then a recording of Gordon B. Hinckley's voice, taken from his April 2003 GC "Loyalty" talk, will play, announcing that it "doesn't matter" whether the prophet is right or wrong - he must be obeyed. Theme music: "Follow the Prophet".
"FARMSLand" will feature children's rides on tapirs, and a contest to see which child is most successful at relocating "Zelph's Skeleton" from Illinois to the Yucatan Peninsula, without normal visitors noticing. Theme music: "Do You Believe in Magic?" by The Lovin' Spoonful.
"Absolutely no tithing funds are being used to help with the $13.5 billion price tag for this amusement park", said Turley. "The church is very aware of the sacrifices that members make all over the world. The last thing we would ever want to do is squander money that properly belongs to the Lord and his church".
In other Mormon news, a small branch in Tegucigalpa, Mexico, recently pooled their money to send to homeless war refugees in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Saturday June 11,2005
Thursday June 9, 2005
Renowned artist and Profit Salvadorio Dalia Enemigo was commissioned by the LDS Church to create paintings that reflect
both the culture and tradition that IS the LDS Cult. His masterful and inspirational paintings are a labor of love.
“I am exhausted after I take (LSD) and paint (LDS)”, he said in a carefully worded statement. Salvadorio, a convert
from Mesquite, Nevada and an imigrant from Southern Mexico was a child at one time. His parents are of mixed race.
His mother, a coal-mine worker of indegeous blood and his father, a rich Mormon (LDS) missionary with roots in
Scotland, Wales, and Northern Detroit.
Working hard as a child, Salvadorio realized his potential as a painter
when on a real nice acid trip (LSD) at his home. Missionaries from the LDS contacted him and he was later baptised.
Salvadorio now makes his living selling CramWay to his neighbors in Alpine, Utah. He also is inventor of several successful
investment schemes and land-grabs.
“His paintings are a marvelous work and a wonder, (TM)” , said President Gordon B. Hinckley. “I know a forgery when I see one, and this is the real deal!”
Salvadorio will have his exhibit on display until the Second Coming.
Wednesday June 8, 2005
Recent doctrinal changes have allied the two churches
as they both support the crushing of womens rights,
abortion bans, free use of assault weapons, sexual
abuse of Bishops upon members, George W. Bush and a
host of like items. LDS officials now admit that the
previous wording of the Roman Church was too
politically incorrect and usually made more enemies
than friends.
LDS and Catholics still have many obstacles to
overcome, but they are like-minded in the
establishment of religion as a government, despite the
annoying "Constitution of the United States". "With
our combined efforts, we will be able to overturn many
rulings of liberal judges and perhaps strike or change
several bill of rights to tilt the USA into the
Christ-Fearing Nation it once was.", quoted Darth L.
Packer a prominent leader of the LDS faith.
Catholics, on the other hand will not change their
reference to the LDS faith as "Dumb asses".
Elder Monson is next in line for the church's top seat, a position he
cannot assume until the current president dies. Yet President Hinckley
appears to show no signs of significantly declining physical or mental
health.
An unidentified source close to Elder Monson said, "Oh, he's going
absolutely ape shit. This birthday gala for Hinckley is like salt in
his wounds. Last week I heard him in his office, ranting and swearing,
'Why won't that old fucker die!?!? It's my turn! It's my turn!'"
The file was found by Anne Morgensen, a part-time legal clerk for
Kirton & McConkie. “My pen had rolled off the back of my desk. When I
moved the desk to get the pen, I found a folder wedged against the
wall,” said Ms. Morgensen. “I was totally shocked when I realized they
were divorce papers for the Hinckleys. I mean, they had the perfect
marriage, right? I just didn’t understand. Then, when I listened to the
tape – I mean, how could I not – I heard the most faith-shattering
things. It was horrible.”
According to Ms. Morgensen, Sister Hinckley told her attorney, “I can’t
be married to a man who doesn’t love and honor the Lord, who doesn’t
share the same goals and values. I want a man who can call me forth on
the Morning of the First Resurrection® and lead me into the Celestial
Kingdom®. He’s not worthy to do that anymore, so I’ll find someone who
can.”
The Hinckley’s appeared together publicly many times between 1997 and
Sister Hinckley’s death in 2004, yet their actual living arrangements
are not known. However a highly-placed source among the Hinckley staff,
who asked to be identified only as “Deep Doctrine,” claims the
Hinckleys lived at opposite ends of their Salt Lake City condo and
communicated only through intermediaries.
In a prepared statement, The Church frontman, Steve Kilby, said the use
of “the Church” in official Mormon publications is an illegal
infringement of the band’s international copyright that causes
confusion in the marketplace and defames the band’s reputation. “We’re
a hip, progressive musical group," explained Kilby, " but the Mormons
are a terribly boring lot. We can’t have our fans thinking we’ve gone
and joined a stupid religion.”
Each condom has a message and some even have images. The messages
range from a simple, "Please reconsider what you are doing," to
much more powerful messages. One condom has an image of Jesus
Christ and the message "Jesus is watching you" printed alongside.
Another has the message, "Fornication is next to murder in
seriousness. Stop now."
"Jerry Garcia, Brent Mydland, Kieth Godchaux and Ron “Pigpen” McKernan
were baptized and endowed in special temple sessions presided over by
myself and Elder Packer,” said President Thomas S. Monson. “In
addition, several people instrumental in the career of the Grateful
Dead have also received the saving ordinances. These include promoter
Bill Graham and author Ken Kesey.”
Elder Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve
Apostles, explained, “Several of us in the First Presidency and Quorum
of the Twelve, as well as most of the Seventies, are real Deadheads.
Only our church responsibilities prevented us from following them on
tour. This is the tenth anniversary of Jerry’s passing, so we have
taken this step as an act of gratitude to him and other late members of
the band. We extend an invitation to all Deadheads to also enter the
waters of baptism so that they may join Jerry one day in the Celestial
Kingdom®.”
To further appeal to the legions of Grateful Dead fans, the First
Presidency has also authorized special tie-dyed temple garments. “Back
when the Dead first hit the scene, there were no two-piece garments for
everyday wear,” said Elder Monson. “In fact, the Saints wore
wrist-to-ankle garments when performing temple ordinances. So the
special issue Grateful Dead commemorative garments will be available
only in that classic form. Man, just thinking about it takes me back to
the Sixties.” The new garments will be available in time for the summer
tour season.
Temple ordinances for members of the Grateful Dead follows on the heels
of last year’s announcement that temple ordinances had been performed
on behalf of many notable deceased African-Americans. At the time,
Elder Packer explained, “We saw the popularity of Sister [Gladys]
Knight, and how her membership in the Church® had enhanced our image in
the Negro community. Then the beloved Ray Charles died and we realized
we had a golden opportunity. All those great musicians and athletes
deserved the Blessings of the Gospel® too. Flip, I can’t wait for
Mohammed Ali and Bill Cosby to pass.”
This painting to the left, titled "Organ-ic Masterpiece" strikes
a familiar chord with MoTab Choir fans around the world.
