Elder Letterman's Top Ten Lists.

There are 200 top ten lists in this section as of 11/20/2014.

Top Ten Reasons Joseph Smith Intended to Have Sex with His 14-year old Bride

03/16/2007 - by Deconstructor from Rethinking Mormonism

One of the most common denials regarding Joseph Smith is that he did not intend to have sex with his 14 year-old bride Helen Mar Kimball.

The fact that Joseph Smith married 14 year-old Helen is undisputed by church apologists. That he did so by promising her family salvation is also accepted by Mormons who know church history.

Yet some still try and argue that because there is no physical evidence of sexual relations between Smith and his bride, that the relationship was merely "dynastic" and was not about sex.

No, there is no stained dress or other physical evidence of a sexual relationship. But the history record is pretty clear what Smith's polygamy was all about.

Here are the top ten reasons why I think Joseph Smith intedned to have sex with his teen bride, Helen Mar Kimball:

1. According to current LDS scripture, sex was the only reason Joseph Smith was commanded to marry virgins "a hundred fold" in this life. See D&C 132:62-63.

2. Smith received this "Divine Law" to only take virgins, which also exempted him from adultery (a sex sin), during the same time he married Helen. He married Helen in May of 1843 and wrote D&C 132 a month later, in June of that same year.

3. There is no recorded revelation during Joseph Smith's lifetime that he should enter into polygamy for dynastic or any other purpose other than "raising up seed." To those who say Smith married Helen for something other than sex, I ask: "where is the revelation?"

4. In the Book of Mormon the Lord expressly forbids polygamy for any other reason than to "raise up seed." See BoM Jacob 24-30. So a dynastic-only marriage would have been a sin.

5. Joseph Smith had sex with his other teen wives, including Fanny Alger, age 16, Sarah Ann Whitney, age 17, Lucy Walker, age 17, and Flora Ann Woodworth, age 16. So why not Helen? (In fact, Smith secretly married Helen in the same month he married Lucy and Flora.)

6. Helen said it was more than just a ceremony. In her own testimony, she wrote "I would never have been sealed to Joseph had I known it was anything more than ceremony. I was young, and they deceived me, by saying the salvation of our whole family depended on it."

7. Joseph Smith did not describe his plural marriages as mere dynastic. He told his close friend and scribe William Clayton that Helen and the other teen girls "were his lawful, wedded wives, according to the celestial order" and "his lawful wives in the sight of Heaven."

8. In Nauvoo, Smith bragged about the pleasure he got from his teen brides, saying one "had given him more pleasure than any girl he had ever enjoyed."

9. Everyone Joseph Smith taught his polygamy doctrine to had sex with their secret brides. None of them thought they were merel dynastic relationships.

10. Those close to Joseph Smith understood he married these women for sex. When Helen's father, Heber C. Kimball, asked Sister Eliza R. Snow the question if she was not a virgin although married to Joseph Smith, she replied, "I thought you knew Joseph Smith better than that."

So why didn't Helen get pregnant?

It's likely that at age 14, Helen was still not physically mature enough to get pregnant. Girls that age in the 19th century did not start menstruating until age 17 to 19.

See: http://www.i4m.com/think/polygamy/teen_polygamy.htm

So where is the evidence Smith's plural marriages were about sex?

There is more evidence to suggest that Joseph Smith had sex with his wives than there is that he saw God and Jesus in 1820. If Mormons will believe that story with such weak support, why will they not accept such a strong case for Joseph Smith practicing polygamy as the Lord commanded?

If you read D&C 132 you'll note how it bestows upon Smith the "blessings of Abraham," which, in Mormon theology, was the blessing of endless posterity. The "revelation" goes on to command Smith to "go and do the works of Abraham."

Also, verse 63 gives the *only* reason for Smith to plural marry: "for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment..."

Again, ALL of Smith's statements to those to whom he introduced into polygamy affirmed that the practice was to have sex and children, rather than to care for old widows. Following are several statements from early Mormons which help to explain the concept. Benjamin Johnson was a close follower of Joseph Smith, and the brother of one of Smith's plural wives, Almera Johnson. Benjamin wrote in his journal that Smith had taught:

"The first command was to 'multiply' and the prophet taught us that Dominion and power in the great Future would be commensurate with the number of 'wives children & friends' that we inherit here and that our great mission to earth was to organize a [nucleus] of Heaven to take with us. To the increase of which there would be no end."

Mosiah Hancock, another disciple of Smith, wrote "Bro Joseph said 'the Lord has revealed to me that it is his will that righteous men shall take righteous women even a plurality of wives that a righteous race may be sent forth upon the earth preparatory to the ushering in of the Millenial Reign of our Redeemer---For the Lord has such a high respect for the nobles of his kingdom that he is not willing for them to come through the loins of a careless people.' "

Another example is from the journal of Helen Tracy, who wrote of a conversation between herself, Lorenzo Snow, and apostle Rudger Clawson:

"The Principle was quite a trial to Sister V. K. [Vilate Kimball, wife of apostle Heber Kimball] but she essayed to submit to it and went and chose two very old maids of quite plain and homely appearance for her husband Bro K[imball] spoke to the Prophet Joseph about it and he said, Bro K that arrangement is of the devil you go and get you a young wife one you can take to your bosom and love and raise children by. A man should choose his own wife and one he can love and get children by." (As quoted in "Prisoner for Polygamy: The Memoirs and Letters of Rudger Clawson," p. 12.)

Brigham Young re-affirmed this doctrine when he preached:

"Birth control----There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles [bodies], now what is our duty?---To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can. This is the reason why the doctrine of plurality of wives was revealed, so that the noble spirits which are waiting for tabernacles might be brought forth." (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 197.)

Maybe Smith only INTENDED to have sex with Helen?


As Randy Jordan has pointed out:

"We have no indisputable evidence that Smith had sex with the 14-year-old Helen; but considering Smith's sexual activities with other women, including teenagers, there is no reason to believe that he didn't intend to have sex with Helen and produce children, just as he did with others."

"It was common during the polygamy period for men to go ahead and plural marry desirable pre-pubescent girls in order to secure them into their harems and prevent them from marrying other men. Then when the girl had reached puberty, she would begin having babies. This is likely why Helen, even if she did not have sex with Smith, complained about not being able to socialize like other girls her age: it was her after-the-fact realization that she had been deceived into joining Smith's harem, and thus becoming ineligible to be courted by young, single suitors."

Let's also remember that

a) At the time Smith "plural married" Helen, he had many other women with whom he could have sex with; so he could have kept Helen "in reserve" for the time when she reached puberty, or perhaps when Smith was horny and no other woman happened to be available

b) Smith was killed 13 months after his sealing to Helen, so he simply may not have had the opportunity to consummate their relationship before his death. However, it's a virtual certainty that he would have if he had lived.

The bottom line is that it is futile for Mormon Apologists to argue that Smith's sealing to Helen was "dynastic" or "spiritual" only, in an effort to show that Smith's plural marriages to young girls were proper. Helen's own complaint that she was "deceived" into the sealing, and that she would not have agreed to it if she had known in advance that it was to be anything other than "spiritual," is enough to show the impropriety of Smith's motives and actions.

There's simply no good reason to believe that had he not been killed, Smith would not have had sex with Helen just as he did with his other so-called wives.

New: Ten More Reasons Why Gordon Hinckley Is Smiling

03/11/2007 - by Tal Bachman

10.) New church security system makes his nightly 1-900 calls untraceable

9.) While playing with rubber ducky during today's morning bubble bath, decided to replace Temple Square "Christus" statue with new sixteen foot marble statue of himself

8.) New joint First Presidency/Quorum statement “Proclamation on the Seed of Cain” will finally put “myth” of Mormon racism to bed

7.) Nazi jokes at Uchtdorf's expense during quorum meetings never get old

6.) First Presidency and Twelve just unanimously and enthusiastically approved proposal that all female members henceforth wear newly-designed mouth gags “at all times as part of the holy temple garment”

5.) Legal team finally wrapped up negotiations on new Pampers endorsement deal

4.) Two decades of fervent praying finally pays off: Eddie Van Halen drops Sammy Hagar and gets back with Diamond Dave http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=67149

3.) Distracting gay crush on Jim Lehrer finally fading

2.) Average weight of church apologists now down to under 300 pounds

1.) Bednar's still his bitch

Top 10 reasons to elect Mitt Romney

submitted by SL Cabbie (author unknown) - 02/28/2007

10) The National Cathedral could be renamed the National Tabernacle

9) NASA could commission a satellite to 'hie to Kolob'

8) The Secret Service could be renamed the Sacred Service

7) All official government prayers could include the phrase 'that we all can get home safely'

6) Napoleon Dynamite could get someone other than Pedro elected

5) The President could not only explain things in Layman's terms, but also Lemuel's terms

4) The President could issue pardons in exchange for 100% home teaching

3) Not only could he pronounce 'Nuclear' but also 'Mahonri Moriancumer' and 'Maher Shalal Hash Baz'.

2) At his inauguration he would swear on the Bible 'as far as it is translated correctly'

1) Finally a first family large enough to fill up the White House

Top Ten Joseph Smith Presidential Campaign Slogans

by substrate - 02/21/2007

10. I did not have sex with that woman, or that one, or that one, or ...

9. Ask not what your prophet can do for you, but who your prophet can do.

8. The only thing we have to fear is that the husband will find out.

7. I am not a criminal.

6. Ensuring a better future for your daughters--I mean, children.

5. Leadership you can take to the anti-banking society.

4. A chicken in every pot, and a peepstone in every hat.

3. A kinder, gentler cult.

2. If you don't give me your wives and daughters, the terrorists win.

1. Would I lie to you?

Top 10 ways to make your 'Court of Love' one of the funnest Days of your life.

by Primus - 02/09/2007

I was reading the 'court of love' thing and someone said make a scrapbook of the event. I thought there had to be other creative ways to make it a fun event at the expense of the assembled brethern.

10. Take a camera in to record the proceedings. When they ask why you have a camera, say you are taking pictures to make a scrapbook of this exciting time in your life and ask them if they would like copies.

09. When they start asking question regarding your adultry or indiscretion, ask them if they want a visual demonstration and start stripping.

08. Don't forget to bring cake for everyone

07. Bring all your friends into the room with you. When they tell you that you can't, you can say..."But these are all the people I did it with too."

06. Give your confession in Hiaku or Epic Poetry.

05. If you like to sing, you can do that too.

04. Bring in the homevideo you created from the event of the act, or bring in your laptop to show them.

03. When they get glum looks on their face and say you are not taking the event seriously, or thinking of the eternal consequences say.."Okay, I'll be serious" then start talking like Donald Duck.

02. When one of them hold there arms to the square and goes to put a curse on you say pointing "and that's how you indicate you would like to make a right turn, a left turn goes like this..."

01. Everytime they ask a question, answer them with a dirty joke. "How often did you sleep with Sister Blank?" "Until 70 times 7"

Top Ten Things Overheard at Gordon B Hinckley's Trip to the Movies to see "Amazing Grace"

by substrate - 01/30/2007

10. What do you mean I won't need my robes and white slippers?

9. Oh, crap! I thought this was "Epic Movie."

8. This Finney guy is pretty good. Maybe we can get him to play Elohim next time.

7. I'm adding one more "Be-attitude": Be quiet, dammit, so I can hear the movie.

6. Look, I'm the prophet, and if I want hot butter on my Milk Duds, I'm getting hot butter on my Milk Duds!

5. Yes, Tom, you have already told me about the time you took seven widows to see The Sound of Music.

4. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't like the decaffeinated Dr. Pepper?

3. Well, yeah, "Amazing Grace" is kind of catchy, but I like that one "I Know that My Redeemer Lives." Maybe we could make a movie about that one, too.

2. We really wanted to include it in the hymnbook, but really, what were we supposed to cut? In Our Lovely Deseret? If You Could Hie to Kolob? Sorry, but nobody in their right mind would do that.

1. Nobody told me there would be negroes in this film.

Moret Top Tens about Hinckley seeing Amazing Grace

by Anubis - 01/30/2007

10. What's up with this "Grace" thing?

9. Why are my shoes sticking to the floor I paid top dollar for them?

8. Damn, I thought this was a porno about how Amazing Grace was!

7. Where's the nudity? At least Eve shows some skin!

6. Well at least this isn't as boring as the temple film and I HAVE POPCORN. Again why are my shoes sticking to the floor?

5. Projector room attendant: "Sir you can't be here." GBH: Isn't this the small room for me to pound my pud, erh I mean converse with the lord?

4. Hopefully I can pull the GOD card and get out of the theater first.

3. The limo driver better have the car warm or he's fired!

2. All of the seats look the same. Where's the prophet's seat? I'm Special damn it!

1. After the movie his family asked how was it. "I don't know much about it. I was there but I think it was more of a TV show then a movie."

Top Ten Things Gordon B Hinckley's AIDS said on his Trip to the Movies

by substrate - 01/30/2007

10. Damn his white slipper is stuck to the floor!

9. No Gordo it's not the temple movie! Put your cloths back on!

8. Did you change his diaper before we left?

7. Ahh crap he fell asleep again.

6. Why this movie? He usually likes hardcore porn.

5. You go get him some more fiber wafers don't forget to call it "POPCORN" when you give it to him.

4. GBH: "This soda taste great." AID: "I know all they had was iced tea."

3. GBH: "Did you bring a condom?" AID: "Why this isn't one of your hard core pornos." GBH: "CRAP!"

2. AID 1: "Did you go out and warm up his "limo"?" AID 2: "You mean the ford escort?"

1. Oh no he's having another "revelation". I'll get a diaper, you get the wipes and spray.

Top Ten Joseph Smith Excuses for Helen Mar Kimball

by substrate - 01/30/2007

10. I was just conducting her annual Young Women's interview.

9. Her 16 year old cousin said no, so what was I supposed to do?

8. I was just following the Lord's admonition to become as a little child--a really horny little child.

7. It's been revealed to me that I won't live longer than 85 years, so I have to make the best use of my time to raise up seed unto the Lord.

6. Without my glasses, she looks just like her mother.

5. Well, if she were any younger, those folks at FARMS would have a hard time justifying it.

4. It's not my fault that even the teenagers find an overweight prophet with a limp and chipped teeth incredibly hot.

3. She and the other 32 women forced themselves on me against my will.

2. It's OK because Emma doesn't know. You aren't going to tell Emma, are you?

1. An angel came down with a flaming sword and ... oh, never mind. No one would believe that one.

Ten simple things the church should do for better Public Relations

by Doug - 01/27/2007

Gordo B Hinckley is such a PR guy, I'm surprised he can't figure out how to make a few changes that would make the church seem more loving, up to date and less cultlike:

1. Change the stupid missionary dress code to business casual. My hell, the kids look like they're from a cult.

2. Do something about the horrible temple marriage program. Have a fun public marriage with dancing, food, laughter, celebration, etc. The temple part of it should be done in private and not talked about.

3. The Word of Wisdom needs a total re-write. Certainly coffee and tea have certain health benefits compared to say ice cream, root beer and funeral potatoes.

4. Make the temples look less like a Disneyland building. Every time I drive by the one in San Diego I cringe and wonder where the Angel Moroni learned to play a horn.

5. Relax the Sunday dress code. To me, the current look is from the "Close to Home" cartoon. A bit goofy, cheap, worn out and old fashioned.

6. Quit selling and promoting the stupid Book of Mormon and bury it like they have polygamy. The real key to realizing the church is bogus is the whole Lamanite/Jesus organized his church here in America claim. Puleeeeze!!

7. Quit excommunicating and disfellowshipping professors, scholars, feminists, etc., who don't follow the party line. It smacks of nazi-like behavior and control.

8. Bury the Doctrine & Covenants and Pearl of Great Price. Talk about a lot of whacko embarrasing and irrelevant bs.

9. Do more for people outside of the church.

10. Get more young/dynamic and up to date leadership. The men at the top are mostly dinosaurs and out of touch.

Top 10 Things the Church can do to take out any humanity from the rituals

by Primus - 01/25/2007

10. Instead of wasting time having deacons walking around passing out sacrament trays with bread and water, bread pellets will now be show from rapid fire rifles at the congregation. A fire hose will also be inserted to spray down the group.

09. Prayers will be limited to one minute with an electrical shock set up in the pulpit to go off if someone rambles on.

08. Testimonies will also be limited to a minute, with a trigger to turn on the electrical shock if the person doesn't stick to just bearing testimony about the Church, Joseph Smith, the Current Prophet. (still haven't decided if it's okay to mention Jesus or not without a shock)

07. Music will no longer be used when singing the sacrament hymns. Forget any music entirely for that matter.

06. Letting kids in nursery color is strictly forbidden now. Scriptures will be read to the kids the whole time. They will be tied down with duct tape over their mouths to quiet the screaming.

05. Ward Socials will now be limited to 15 minutes. You eat, you clean up, you go home

04. Talks that deviate into personal stories will also receive the electrical shock.

03. Bishopric Members will be issued stun guns to encourage people to stop sitting in the Foyer and get to class.

02. Blessing of babies will give a name, and the blessing will be the same for each child. That they will stay faithful to the church and encourage people to join as they get older. Anything about marriage or health, etc. are forbidden.

01. Any cuddling where a spouse might put their arm around a family member is frowned upon because it could drive out the spirit. Anyone caught talking to their spouse or whispering during the meeting will be taken out and shot on the spot.

Top 10 Reasons Why Church is Better than Sex!

by Primus - 01/24/2007

10 Sex generally only lasts from 10 to 30 minutes. Church lasts for 3 hours!

09. It's prefectly legal to eat 'flesh' in church.

08. If you fall asleep in the middle of it, you don't get in as much trouble.

07. It doesn't accidentally get you pregnant most of the time.

06. Church is healthier. You get more exercise trying to keep your toddlers and kids quiet than you do from sex.

05. You can leave in the middle of it to go grab a DQ Blizzard and then come back if you want.

04. You can read a book during the middle of it if you are discreet about it.

03. You don't have to be concerned about accidently yelling out your secret girlfriends name during the middle of it.

02. No embarrassing premature 'firings'

01. You give out your number, and they WILL call back the next day.

Ten Reasons why God is Sadistic

by Outerdarkness - 01/22/2007

First, he implants in each human a sense of justice, and then places us in an unfair society.

Second, he ingrains a sense of perfection, an ultimate 'rightness', or a way things should be, when we are born into an obviously less than perfect environment.

Third, he gives us the ability to learn just enough to come to the conclusion we know nothing of any value.

Fourth, he compels us to look for meaning, in a meaningless existence.

Fifth, he gives us the joy of children, only to have us fail at comforting them with definitive answers to questions we have yet to find answers for ourselves.

Sixth, he gives us the ability to love deeply, only to watch the loved one fade and die.

Seventh, he gives us the drive to put bounds (beginning and end) on an endless (infinite) situation.

Eighth, he showers us with the joy and beauty of nature, only to watch it turn violent for no apparent reason.

Ninth, he creates a pining for peace, in a race who can not get along.

Tenth, he is hiding and never makes an attempt to show himself to a suffering race who can not decide if there is a god, who he is, what he wants, who he likes and if he is worth dying for.

A loving God???? IF (and I highly stress if) there is a god, it sounds more like a set-up to me.

Top ten reasons why The Salamander Society website was made

by jd - 01/17/2007

10. The gay bar burned down and I was board.

9. By focusing my hate on Mormons I can forget that I'm pathetic.

8. I'm angry, and I don't want to admit it's because I wasn't breastfed as a child.

7. My friends ditched me for the nerd down the street.

6. Even though our world is overrun with murders, suicides, paedofiles, rapists and thieves, I thought it would be good to focus my hate on the REAL problems in America.

5. I wanted to be a Mormon hater too. Look at me every one! I hate Mormons!

4. Even though everything Mormons practice is in the Bible, that doesn't mean you should practice it!

3. I'm tired of the Mormons saying there is one true church when it's obvious that the body of Christ is 30,000 different churches that disagree with one another.

2. No matter what church I join, the Mormons make me look bad.

1. I ran out of room for anti-Mormon bumperstickers on my car.

Top 10 alternative names for Mormon "Cultural Halls"

by Hall and Oaks - 01/17/2007

10. Hoop Heaven - The basketball hoops symbolize the many hoops of dogma that the Moron clueless must jump throo before being granted entry into the -- knock -- knock -- knock -- Seal-estial Kingdumb. When you launch yourself throo the hoop, be careful that your green apron and baker's hat don't get caught on those little basket hooks.

9. White Trash Warehouse - Where people who gave all of their extra money to a huge multi-national corporation headquartered in Salt Lake City (and therefore cannot afford to rent a classier venue) convene to sell-a-brate the pre-programmed and relatively uneventful union of one robot offspring with another robot offspring, hopefully a robot who has a mating connector type. Unions with robots who have the same gender connectors types are not only discouraged, but constitoot grounds for expulsion from any access to the White Trash Warehouse. Robotic unions without the possibility of producing additional little robots are not tolerated within the White Trash Warehouse.

8. Joseph Smith's Hall of the Clueless - who in the hall do you want?

7. Moron Hall - Why did the Big Moron fall off the cliff, but the Little Moron did not? Because he was a Little Moron. (I remember that from grade school.....)

6. Sportsmanship Hall of Shame - Come to blows with your brethren during basketball and then sit in Elder's Quorum like you're friends.

5. Haul Hall - For hauling out several hundred steel folding chairs prior big events and then hauling them back under the stage.

4. Back Board Hall - aka -- Back Bored Hall -- The back bored symbolizes the plight of the Moron sisters who are pre-consigned to an eternity of bein g forced to lie on their backs like missionaries, and enduring procreation rituals that, frankly, get painfully boring after the umpteen zillionth celestial intercourse with the penishood cum-panion. Back bored. The two word description of the celestial kingdumb for Moron sisterhoods.

3. Hell Hall - What the hall should be named, because of what the Happy Couple is about to endure when they get married too young without any money or any means of decent support, and who will have a baby in 5 months (because you should get married before the baby shows) and who won't have any healthcare insurance and who will end up being supported by gainfully employed taxpayers.

2. Green Jello Hall - Pot luck. What do the sisters call it when their eternal cum-panion is 200 pounds overweight? Pot fuck.

1. Wreck Hall - I'm trying to remember what the Morons used to call the "Cultural Hall" before renaming it. Recreation Hall? Procreation Hall? Rec Hall? Wreck Hall?

TOP 10 List of Things To Make Conference Fun - Exmo Style

by Simeon's Peep Stone - 01/17/2007

#10 - Bug the shit out of all the TBM's (True Believing Mormons) around you by acting like you're a Baptist. Yell out "Amen" and "Praise the Lord" in sarcastic tones throughout the session.

#9 - Play the "I Know" drinking game. Stock up on your favorite elixir and take a shot everytime someone says the phrase "I Know". You'll be shit faced before the end of the first session.

#8 - Re-enact King Benjamins days by setting up a tent in your living room or in the overflow at church. Despite the desire to do otherwise, the tent door must be pointed towards the screen.

#7 - Show up at the Conference Center with your Temple Packet. Let the Holy Spirit guide you.

#6 - Host a Conference Party for all of your TBM friends at Hooters. They have great party rooms and the best chicken wings around.

#5 - Insist on turning the volume down really low so you can still hear the whisperings of the Spirit. How can anyone hear what God has to say with all of that racket?

#4 - Bring a laser pointer with you to Conference. Annoy millions of people around the world all at the same time.

#3 - Sneak up to the front and saturate the cushiony chairs of the 12 and First Presidency with the liquid of your choice. They'll be some Soggy Bottom Seers!

#2 - During the 2nd session as members are being brainwashed err I mean asked to vote on something they have no control over, voice your discontent with the G.A. of your choice. Then as all Hell breaks loose say, "April Fools!". (This only works for April Conference.)

#1 - In the middle of the last session, announce with a megaphone that Christ just returned to the earth and is holding a press conference on T.V. right at this very moment.

Megaphone with batteries - $45.00
Big Screen T.V. - $1200.00

General Authorities Shittin' their Pants . . . Priceless.

Top Ten "You might be on your way out of Mormonism if's"

by Bob McCue - 01/17/2007

11. Choirs, uniforms and white shirts start to irritate you.

10. You visit temple square with your kids to help them understand their ancestors, and spend most of the time there rolling your eyes, shaking your head or cringing.

9. You realize that during the past few years, "mystery" and "paradox" have become the most important words in your Mormon vocabulary, and feel sophisticated for a while.

8. You realize that absolute certainty based on mystery and paradox makes no sense whatsoever.

7. You get mad when an intellectual Mormon friend tells you that absolute certainty based on mystery and paradox is the most wonderful paradoxical mystery he has ever heard of, and that you should start speaking at Sunstone and write an essay for FAIR.

6. You are suprised by your feelings of empathy for the male leads in Brokeback Mountain.

5. You learn the history of Mormon tithing, realize that there are lots of ways to calculate your annual "interest" or "income" for tithing purposes, that many of these calculations end in "zero", that this accounting is entirely between you and God, and wonder if buying a vacation property for your family might be possible after all.

4. It occurs to you that the doctrine of prophetic fallibility means that prophets might be wrong about everything instead of just what they have been proven to be wrong about.

3. You realize that the fact that Mormon prophets have been found to be deceptive or mistaken about many important things means that they probably were deceptive or mistaken about other important things.

2. A colleague at work hits you up to come to an Amway presentation, and you realize that you used all the same tones of voice, facial expressions and half truths the last time you tried to invite a friend over to meet the missionaries.

1. You go to an Amway meeting, find half your Mormon friends there and think you have walked through the looking glass into some kind of bizarro testimony meeting.

More Top Ten "You might be on your way out of Mormonism if's"

by Adieu LDS, Searcher68 - 01/17/2007

10. You realize that there are "other" political parties that you can vote for, other than the Republican Party or in Canada the Conservative Party.

9. That it just might be a good thing that you daughter's English teacher is a self professed lesbian activists, and engages the students minds.

8. You stop judging the cashier at Wal-Mart because she has a row of piercings down her ear and eyebrow.

7. You wonder if there is any way that you can receive a refund of tithing from the Mormon church, because they would gladly refund an unhappy member.

6. You stop using the term Lamanites to describe North American native peoples.

5. You stop addressing members by "Brother, Sister, Bishop and President" and address members by their real names.

4. You cringe in Sunday school when "Faith promoting rumours" are taught and accepted as fact.

3. You take an American History class in college and realize that all these things you had been taught about Joseph Smith being so visionary actually grow out of his contemporary society.

For example, the "Word of Wisdom", the temple ceremony, the House of Israel in Early America, American Indians being descendants of Hebrews, free love, the Civil War beginning in South Carolina, the constitution being ordained by God, dreams and visions, communal religious living, and on and on. - by Searcher68

2. You go to Sacrament Meeting September 16th 2001 expecting the Prophet to weigh in on the first act of foreign agression on American soil (Hawaii wasn't a state in 1941). Instead you hear about the ward temple night and the importance of tithing (for the sixth week in a row).

1. You follow the advice of Moroni and literally ask God if the Book of Mormon is NOT TRUE, and your subconcious mind answers, YES, IT's Not True! Then you ask yourself if it's all false and suddenly all the unanswered questions have answers. - by Alma the Tonguer

Still More Top Ten "You might be on your way out of Mormonism if's"

by posters at Recovery from Mormism - 01/17/2007

67. You actually type "Mormon history" into Google and read the results. - JW the Inquizzinator

66. You forget to set your clock to daylight savings time and miss the first hour of church.

65. You decide a light drizzle makes the roads too hazardous to drive the half mile to church.

64. You think maybe you will wear to church the gag tie you got as an office Christmas present.

63. You plan vacations so you're away two Sundays and there is no LDS church within a hundred miles or more.

62. You follow up a statement by the gospel doctrine teacher with, "Why?"and everyone looks at you like you just swore.

61. You follow up a statement by the gospel doctrine teacher with, "But where's Jesus in all this?" and everyone looks at you like you're an apostate.

60. Someone spouts pseudo-doctrine and, instead of just nodding in agreement, you ask her to back it up with scripture.

59. When you respond to someone pontificating with, "That's just LDS culture, not doctrine."

58. When you respond to someone's pontificating with, "That's just policy, not doctrine."

57. You start responding to priesthood or Relief Society assignments by quoting D&C 121:39

56. You realize the other members, with whom you have so much in common, bore the living crap out of you.

55. "He was speaking only as a man" seems to apply to everything in the church.

54. You're in the middle of giving a lesson or bearing testimony and you think, "Wait, do I really believe that?"

53. You realize you laugh when you should cry and cry when you should laugh because you don't really know anymore how you feel about anything. - by Stray Mutt

52. You realize that because you live in Utah, you now HATE to shop on Saturdays. "Saturday is a special day" pisses you off because it means traffic and congested lines at the supermarket.

You realize that because you live in Utah, you now LOVE to shop on Sundays! There is just the right amount of pleasant shoppers in each store. All races, walks of life, and just genuine people who smile and don't judge!

51. Seeing awkward white mesh underwear through people's clothes, or sticking OUT of their clothes, is getting CREEPY!

50. The Discovery & History channels, PBS, BBC, NOVA, & NPR are suddenly interesting and not necessarily misguided because of their ignorance of certain "gospel truths".

49. Your tongue is EXCITED about being virgin to a million delicious foods, drinks, and substances; which can now be wonderfully balanced substitutes for the high sugar diet of which you've become accustomed.

48. People no longer have to be classified or quickly judged. They're just people. They have intentions, motivations, dreams, failures, short-comings etc. There may NOT be a quick fix for everyone: the former one-size-fits-all solution of dipping them in water, waiting a year, and dressing them up in a tacky costume to learn sacred secrets doesn't mean their problems will magically disappear.

47. It's immediately apparent why the Chicken Dance and Hokey-Pokey were the only songs that would come to mind when you used to go to the temple.

46. When faithful adherents & apologists talk about logic and reason they sound like pre-school children trying to explain the theory of relativity. - by High Rum

45. You're teaching the gospel doctrine class and bored with the lesson material so you ask a related thought-provoking question and are met with a room full of blank stares from highly-educated people. Rarely, if ever, does anyone offer up something interesting in response and this causes you to ask YOURSELF more questions.

44. Your chocolate consumption escalates dramatically every Sunday as soon as you get home from church. Eventually, you can't wait until you get home so you bring it with you in the car.

43. You say to yourself, "I can't believe they just said that!" way too many times during any church meeting.

42. On a regular basis during the first hour of the 3-hour block you map out a plan in your head for the quickest and least visible escape route as soon as that meeting's over.

41. Over time you stop considering escape routes and simply get up in the middle of the meeting and go home.

40. You finally decide you're going to stop trying to "fit in" with the clothes you wear and wear whatever the hell you want.

39. You do the best "deep cleaning" of your house on Sundays after church as a way to get back some kind of control in your life. - by Some Lady

38. You try every April and October to make sense out of what Boyd K. Packer said, and then one day you realize you are wasting your time and energy. - by Metatron

37. You realize that being proud of being "a peculiar people" is really peculiar.

36. It hits you that a religion that refuses to open its financial records, is probably a corporation, not a church.

35. You decide that having every minute of your life controlled by a batch of white haired old bigots is not really a pleasant way to live. - by Buntaro

34. You take a geology class and realize that people who think the earth is 6000 years old haven't been paying attention.

33. You take a class in philosophy and realize that you have nothing against homosexuality other than it says in the Bible that it's wrong, but still can't find the verse.

32. You take a class in religion and find out that putting up a statue of the 10 commandments is a self-contradiction. Hint: don't worship statues.

31. You realize you could have had a lot more sex and a lot less guilt. - by T-bone

30. You realize that Joseph Smith lied his sorry arse off and can't stop laughing.

29. You have no problem calling JS a lying little bugger, and skirt chaser, who sold a hoax and BYoung was as bad or worse.

28. Driving by the church bldg/or temple gives you the creeps and you make a vow to never enter again.

27. You throw your garments in the garbage and laugh for days.

26. You refuse to subscribe to any church magazines.

25. You refuse to give the LDS church one more cent or one more minute of your time.

24. You realize that the BOM is fiction, the Book of Abraham is an embarrassment, D&C 132 needs to be trashed, and the lying old geezers at the top apparently can't remember a thing when interviewed on TV.

23. You talk about history of the church from their own sources and every True Believing Mormon you know says: "I never heard of that" accusing you of lying.

22. You laugh at yourself thinking about how you played dress-ups in that silly, goofy temple garb.

21. You look forward to your morning cup of coffee.

20. You are happy to inviting the tracting missionaries in for a little talk :-)

19. You have no trouble telling people that you are not a believer and resigned your membership. - by SusieQ#1

18. You use your temple recommend as ID to get into a bar! I actually did this. - by JenniG

17. You suddenly realize that people who drink coffee and beer are NORMAL - not EVIL.

16. You are ashamed to tell anyone you graduated from BYU.

15. You don't admit that you learned Spanish on a mission.

14. Going to a 2 hour movie on Sunday with your family seems more spiritual and uplifting than attending the 3 hour block.

13. The word "Fuck" now seems like one of the most useful words in the English language instead of one of the most profane. (And by now you don't give a flying fuck who sees your family going to a Sunday movie!)

12. Looking for garment lines seems completely creepy, but you can help that you still do--and you hate that about yourself! - by On my way out

11. Someone asks you what church you go to (or what religion you are), and you are embarrassed to answer!

10. You start feeling patronizing and slightly superior to the folks in your ward, not caring *at all* when they show their disdain for you (for whatever reason like, not being married.

9. You begin to see Stake Conference and General Conference weekends as "days off."

8. You sleep in on Sunday, miss your meetings---and don't care one whit! - by Deenie, the dreaded single adult

7. You find your middle finger involuntarily but vigorously extending as you drive by the local Mo'chapel. - by Polygamy Porter

6. You schedule your golf game so as to be on the fairway your neighbors can see as they drive to church so you can wave.

5. You forget which Sunday Daylight Savings Time changes because you have nowhere to be at a certain time.

4. You order a beverage with alcohol in it while at dinner, a mormon you know stops by your table to say hi and you don't even think to say, "Oh, it's virgin."

3. You couldn't care less if you get a brown paper bag for your purchase from the state operated liquor store.

2. You sit outside at Starbucks not caring if someone you know from the Morg (Mormon Church) drives by.

1. Wait...this all sounds more like I'm out than on my way. - by Butch Cassidy

Top Ten Problems with the Church

by Nathaniel P. Wilkerson - 01/16/2007

1) Authority and Control - Dissent and even questions are discouraged, we are allowed to think for ourselves but we are not allowed to voice that opinion. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Just my presenting this list could theoretically put my church membership in jeopardy.

2) Whitewashed History - The history and doctrines we teach in church are so sanitized that when we encounter our real history we go into shock (at least I did for a while).

3) Nosey - I think the church should let people run their own lives a little more and stop getting into their business (ie. home teachers checking to see if your saying your family prayers, bishops prying into your marital sex life).

4) Gullible - This problem stems from the authority problem above. We are so used to absoute obedience from those in the church heirarchy that we have become targets for scam artists. How many MLM businesses have originated here in Utah.

5) Attitude - Our Holier than thou Attitude turns us into snobs and we often disrespect or ostrasize those of other faiths. Living in Utah for non-mormons can be quite tramatic. We don't have exclusivity on the truth even though we would like to think we do.

6) Tithing - To me it resembles the old catholic system of paying up so our sins get washed away. In our case if you don't pay a full tithe then you don't get a temple recommend, therefore to enjoy the full privileges of mormonhood you must pay up. This should become optional but of course recommended. I also feel that our tithing requirement hits the poor the hardest since they have little or no desposable income and that extra 10 percent off the top just puts them in a more precarious position (note that the state of Utah has one of highest personal bankruptcy numbers in the nation).

7) Crazy Doctrines - Things like polygamy should be completely expunged from the church, we have removed the practice now lets remove the doctrine (sec. 132 D&C). Doctrines like these only further reinforce in non-mormons minds why we should be labeled as a cult like the FLDS.

8 ) Guilt and Shame - We are a culture of guilt and shame. We are always under pressure to perform and our numbers need to be good (hometeaching stats, convert baptisms, etc...). If I miss church for a few weeks I'm looked upon as "inactive", the pressure is real. My mission president said his wife became very depressed because she felt that she could never live up to expectations. Can I say Prozac?

9) Warm Fuzzies - We teach that emotional responses are perfectly good at teaching and validating truth. To some degree what other method is there for establishing a testimony? But I've seen people make some pretty poor decisions in the real world just because a certain "spirit" told them it was the right thing to do. Instead they should have researched their decision further using time tested methods of reason, logic and common sense.

10) Culture and Politics - We need to separate our culture from our doctrines. In Utah this is more evident than anywhere else. We also need to remain politically neutral, I know the church subscribes to this point of view but we need to do better at it.

11) Hypocrisy and Materialism and Appearances - Supposed to be the top 10 but I have to throw just one more in. If we are going to profess to be mormons then lets not be hypocrites. Seeing mormon stores selling alcohol for the love of filthy lucre is hypocrisy in my books. Also the attitude that God wants us to succeed financially so that we can help build the kingdom is used a lot by mormons who have only one thing on their mind, money. Instead of building fancy meetinghouses, temples, shopping malls lets get out there and help those who really need it.

Closely tied to this is our judging those by their appearances, and our paranioa with our own images which is partly a result of number 8 above. I've seen a lot of good mormons but also a lot of two faced people within the church as well.

Ok to be perfectly fair some of these problems are not the church per say but the people in the church. However, I feel that the church or the culture created by the church helps to foster these problems within the membership.

Top ten possible titles for Gordon B Hinckley's next book

by Tal Bachman - 01/16/2007

10.) "Some Friends of Mammon They Were: How Not Even Paying Millions To A New York Public Relations Firms Could Help Sell Our Fraudulent Cult"

9.) "Backbone, Conscience, and Other Over-rated Things"

8.) "The Creator of the Universe Has Told Me How Many Earrings You Should Wear"

7.) "The Art of Public Lying: A Primer"

6.) "For and In Behalf of Niccolo Machiavelli: How I Survived 75 Years In Mormon Bureaucracy and Leadership and Came Out on Top"

5.) "The Idiot's Guide to Isolating and Neutralizing Packer"

4.) "How I Singlehandedly Destroyed the Momentum We Had Under Benson and Helped Start Mormonism On The Long Slide To Regional Rump-Sect-dom"

3.) "Serial Killers I Have Known (and Done Business With)"

2.) "A Visual Guide to All the Multi-Million Dollar Monuments I've Built to Myself Over the Past Decade While Many Of Our Members Are Going To Bed Hungry"

1.) "Depends On What We Mean By 'True'"

More Top Ten Rejected Titles for Gordon B Hinckley Biography

by T-bone - 01/16/2007

10. GBH or GHB; equally drowsy, equally forgetful

9. Important questions and not-so-important questions

8. Thought-stopping one-liners

7. No man knows my history - including me

6. Little flecks of history

5. Ma~~~~rvelous buildings

4. The idiot's guide to being prophet

3. The 7 habits of highly successful liars

2. My life as a documents collector

1. Dude, where's my colon?

Even More Top Ten Rejected Titles for Gordon B Hinckley Biography

by JW the Inquizzinator - 01/16/2007

10) You Can't Drive Your Car to Its Final Destination If You're Always Looking in the Mirror to Put on Make-up: Fun Facts That Just Aren't Helpful

9) The Idiots Guide to COG-DIS (1001th Ed)

8) PT Barnum was Right...and My Other Favorite Quotes

7) Building Maintenance 101: How to REALLY get Toilets Clean...and feel JOY

6) If you can't find a "Great and Spacious Building', Build One...and Other Practical Axioms

5) Prozac--the Right Chemical Enhancement for the Right People

4) Don't Touch It There

3) DNA, Archaeology, and other junk science: A Commentary

2) Perception and Reality: Shaping Your Testimony

1) The Information Age, I Got Your Information Age Right Here!

Still More Top Ten Reasons God Doesn't Heal Amputees

by scarecrowfromoz - 01/16/2007

10. Life Is Like A Couplet.

9. I Don't Know That We Teach That.

8. How I Brown-nosed My Way To The Top.

7. How To Lose Members And Influence No One.

6. Spending 8 Million Dollars of Tithing a Day Made Easy.

5. Hiding Income From The IRS--A Guide To Non-profit Organizations On How To Do It.

4. Sunday Mornings With Gordy-My Most Memorable Talks With Joseph - I Mean Jesus!

3. Frauds and Forgeries--How To Detect Them From An Expert.

2. You Too Can Run A Large Corporation---A Beginner's Guide To Leading A Cult

1. Preparing For Immortality-How To Get Your Name On As Many Things As Possible.

Top Ten Reasons God Doesn't Heal Amputees

by substrate - 01/11/2007

10. Statistically speaking, amputees earn less, so they pay less in tithing.

9. There's nothing more dramatic at a Fast and Testimony meeting than an amputee who struggles to the podium to announce how grateful he or she is for God's great blessings.

8. With amputees around, people don't notice the delusional old geezers who run the church.

7. The church's investment in the prosthetics industry has been a steady revenue stream, and God isn't about to ruin it.

6. If He healed them, it would just be one more thing for Monson to take credit for.

5. He's too busy finding lost keys and planning mall construction.

4. He's saving up for a really big miracle, like the Astros winning the World Series.

3. He's a little squeamish about repairing injuries since that icky incident with the soldier's ear.

2. Hinckley's amputee fetish doesn't help matters.

1. He figures that if he heals amputees, people are going to start asking for more, like an end to disease and poverty. And heaven knows we can't have that.

Top Ten Reasons I Left the Church

by substrate - 01/11/2007

10. They made me a high priest, but I didn't feel even the slightest buzz.

9. All that talk of endowment, and yet I wasn't any bigger where it counts.

8. Wouldn't you leave if your new name were Gomer?

7. Once I finished the "Work and the Glory" series, there was nothing left for me.

6. Since the FARMS and FAIR stuff I read didn't make any sense, I realized that I clearly wasn't smart enough to be a Mormon.

5. Some Canadian pop singer told me I should leave. I'm a sheep. What can I say?

4. I don't know, I just never looked good in a dark polyester suit.

3. I was afraid Kimberly Ann would kick my ass if I didn't leave.

2. I couldn't stop giggling every time we sang, "Come, Ye Children of the Lord."

1. I'm allergic to geriatric liars.

More Top Ten Reasons - Why I left the Church

by JW the Inquizzinator - 01/11/2007

10) The smell...nuff said.

9) Couldn't keep up with the child producing competition.

8) Was a Ward Chorister when we had that silly hymn practice mtg....no respect, just no respect.

7) You can only do so many EQ lessons on Hometeaching...

6) Got a better offer from the Bhudists...

5) Ran out of tithing slips.

4) Had to clean the building after a Ward Spaghetti social and talent show.

3) Thought the church had lost its "edginess" when I no longer had to promise to slit my throat if talked about the endowment outside the temple.

2) Had to do baptisms for the dead for Disney characters.

1) Found out how to type words into Internet search engine.

Even More - My top ten reasons for leaving the church

by KimberlyAnn - 01/11/2007

10. The smell of cheap hair spray and White Shoulders in the Relief Society room gave me a headache.

9. I was tired of concealing my Coffe Nips habit with Big Red.

8. My temple clothes made me look fat.

7. I realized I'd never get to have sex in the temple's mirrored sealing room.

6. If I was going to have underwear that went up my crack I'd rather it be a thong than garments.

5. I don't like Cream of Anything soup, mayonnaise or jello.

4. I hate making cheesy crafts, scrap booking and learning to cook cheap meals using ground wheat, powdered milk, and Velveeta.

3. I didn't consider sitting through a MLM presentation a prerequisite for being invited to dinner.

2. "Praise to the Man" and "Pioneer Children"

1. Joseph Smith was a lying son-of-a-bitch

Top Ten New LDS Books

by substrate - 01/04/2007

10. How to Inspire People Without Actually Saying Anything, by Thomas Monson

9. You Need All the Friends You Can Get: A History of LDS-Jewish Relations, by Daniel Peterson

8. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Mesoamerican Archaeology, by the Maxwell Institute

7. The Autobiography of Paul Dunn, by Sheri Dew

6. How to Look Creepy on TV, by Richard G. Scott

5. Whoever Said 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' Was an Idiot, by David Bednar

4. Teeth for Temples and Other Stories of Faith and Sacrifice, by James E. Faust

3. Hands Off: A Guide to Celestial Intimacy, by Boyd K. Packer

2. Making Enrichment Night Meaningful and Other Fantasies, by the General Relief Society Board

1. The Secrets of My Success: Empty Platitudes and a Selective Memory, by Gordon B. Hinckley

Top ten new LDS Church slogans for 2007

by substrate - 01/03/2007

10. We take the fun out of fundamentalism.

9. Don't worry, we've got a rule for that.

8. Lose weight instantly: take out your extra earrings.

7. An equal-opportunity religion since 1978 (except for women, duh).

6. Now with 25% more cognitive dissonance!

5. Free serving of guilt with every order.

4. Finding happiness in conformity one earring at a time.

3. Where there's always an empty seat in the temple waiting just for you!

2. Just think of the tithing you would have wasted on Starbucks.

1. If you don't like independent thought, you'll love Mormonism.

More top ten new LDS Church slogans for 2007

by JW the Inquizzinator - 01/03/2007

10) Gentile-free weddings!

9) Buying Prozac in bulk, numbing the masses line upon line!

8) Entertainment through child-rearing.

7) Who you gonna believe..the internet or a Prophet?

6) Sealed to the past...ain't it grand?

5) Historical geography is for LOSERS!

4) Revelation beats Archeaology everytime...just ask us!

3) Mormon Pro-choice (except in the cases of polygamy, abortion, special exemptions apply, not available in all states)

2) Next Presidential Election: Mitt's Gonna Massacre 'Em

1) Some history is just not useful...inquire within for a list of what to ignore.

Top ten punchlines to Church Security Officer by Boyden K Parker when caught driving naked

by Pee Wee Herman - 12/29/2006

10. I'm preparing to follow the prophet's teaching - turn the other cheek.

9. That's the last time I shop at "The Emperor's New Clothing Store".

8. Crickets, officer. I was just attacked by a swarm of crickets that ate away every shred of clothing. Where are those seagulls when you really need them.

7. Good afternoon, Officer, I'm on my way to the temple for my washing and annointing.

6. I just donated all my clothes to Deseret Industries for Katrina victims.

5. Oh goody! Are you gonna frisk me?!? (wink wink).

4. I'm on my way to shoot a new temple endowment movie at the BYU Studios, I'm starring as Adam.

3. I just got my little factory serviced at Jiffy Lube.

2. I had a severe allergic reaction to my new bemberg garments.

1. I'm on my way home from a tax audit AND tithing settlement.

Top ten reasons I'm going back to church

by substrate - 12/29/2006

10. Free bread and water on Sunday.

9. Maybe if I go back, one of those angels with flaming swords will force me to have sex with somebody.

8. I have finally bowed to the obvious and compelling evidence that is NHM.

7. If all those really smart guys at FARMS believe it, why shouldn't I?

6. I miss the blissful peace of Sunday meetings.

5. I figure it's just a matter of time before I get the new name "Jehoshaphat," and then I can die a happy man.

4. Here in Texas, you just feel naked without that extra cotton layer, especially in the summer.

3. Without the church in my life, none of my non-Mormon friends and colleagues say, "Holy shit, you don't really believe that, do you?" anymore.

2. After all is said and done, family is really "about time."

1. Life just hasn't been the same without all the guilt.

More top ten reasons I'm going back to church

by Tal Bachman - 12/29/2006

10.) It's been hard living without the invaluably insightful guidance only found in monthly high councilman talks

9.) I've been getting way too much sleep since I stopped getting up at 5 AM to teach early morning seminary

8.) Annual ward Christmas dinner menu of creamed corn, slice of canned unseasoned ham, and green jello with banana slices inside too good to miss for another year

7.) I feel "unsafe" now that my every thought, word, feeling, decision and action isn't being dictated by church leaders

6.) Home teaching: I didn't realize what an absolute blast it was until I stopped

5.) I miss singing any three of the same eight hymns out of a 300 page hymnbook every single Sunday

4.) Jonesing on the thrill I always got glancing at Mormon wall art...

3.) Impossible to find that invigorating Elder's Quorum room smell anywhere else

2.) I haven't unfolded and then chewed on a little wax paper sacrament cup for over three years

1.) "Because without Mormonism, nothing makes sense and no one would know right from wrong, and society would collapse and it's a great way to raise your kids and it's my heritage"

Top Ten Claims If Proven True Would Make The Mormon Church True

by Deconstructor - 12/29/2006

1. A real translation of the papyri Smith used to produce the Book of Abraham would be similar to what is in the Perl of Great Price.

2. Native American DNA would show definite signs of an Israeli/Jewish connection.

3. Modern church leaders would have enough power of discernment to not be deceived by dangerous con men like Mark Hoffman.

4. Abusive amateur dictators that serve as Bishops, Stake Presidents and General Authorities would be released after they spiritually harmed a member of the church.

5. The saving ordinances in the temple would never change, just as Joseph Smith and Brigham Young taught.

6. Teachings and prophesies from the pulpit at General Conference by the prophets would be in harmony, since they all are anointed mouthpieces for the same unchanging, all-knowing, perfect God.

7. The MTC, BYU and other church-operated institutions would be shining examples of the principle of free agency.

8. Joseph Smith would have been able to find the first 116 "lot pages" of the original BoM translation, or at least have known they would never be found, thus demonstrating at least some divine guidance.

9. The various personal accounts by Joseph Smith of his "first vision" would not contradict the "official" church version today.

10. Journal accounts by faithful members would describe Smith's practice of polygamy as being in harmony with the revelation governing that doctrine.

As a True Believing Mormon, I naively expected the above items to back up the church's story. Taken individually, you can come up with an excuse for why each one doesn't support the church's claims. But taken as a whole, it matches up with only one explanation... the church is an elaborate hoax.

Top 10 Ways to Celebrate Smithmas Eve!

by Simeon's Peep Stone - 12/22/2006

With Smithmas here, I'm sure all of us are thinking about how thankful we are for Good Old Joe! Since Smithmas is all about the presents, most of the formal celebrating takes place on Smithmas Eve. In honor of Joe, here we go:

10. Play a classic game of "Hide the 116". Similar to hiding the Afikomen during Seder, this one teaches the kids what Smithmas is all about in a fun and care free way. Just be sure you remember where you stashed them so you can play again next year!

9. Nothing says Smithmas like re-enacting Joe's Leg Surgery. My sons love it when I hold them tightly, offer them booze and then inflict severe pain on them. How will they ever know how great Joe was unless they connect on a very real level?

8. An all time favorite has to be the "Buried Treasure Hunt". Choose from a variety of folk magic implements and fulfil your destiny! Seer Stones, Peep Stones, Divining Rods, it's all good. Be sure you con someone into paying you for your services first though. Hours of fun!

7. A Classic Read for a Classy Guy! Don't forget to read all about the Smiths, Joe's birth, childhood and divine calling through the eyes of his Mother. Don't let the blurred lines and visions of Joe Sr. bother you. The Church is True!

6. Now it's time for the "Golden Plate Relay Race"! Two teams take the field and it's a race to see who can finish the relay race the quickest. You get to decide between a historically correct set of plates or the kind that Emma could have moved around her house on her own.

5. It's not Hide and Seek, it's "Hide and Seer"! This game challenges even the most gifted seers of our generation. Pick your favorite Seer Stone, drop it in your favorite hat, stick your head in that hat . . . and let the light show you the way! No peeking, only peeping!

4. After the kids are asleep, it's time for that all time favorite . . . "Adultery, Smith Style"! Send one of your guests to the store or on some other errand and get to work. You must seduce their spouse before they get back or there'll be trouble. If all else fails, just say you received revelation.

3. Before the night gets too far along, be sure to have your "Smithmas Cocktail". Wine, Beer, Whiskey. . . anything goes. This is the one time of year it's ok to drink. You may only drink up until you act out the Martyrdom of Joe though, after that everyone gets really anal and decides that you're bad if you do it at all.

2. This event takes place right before the culminating event of the night. We call it . . . "What is that?" This game is played like the traditional telephone game and whatever comes out on the end gets put into your own personal Temple Ceremony. Need a new name? "What is that?". Need secret words to get into Heaven? "What is that?" Fun and effective!

1. The culminating event of the evening is the acting out of the "Martyrdom of Joe". Take off your garments for this one and arm yourself with a six shooter . . . this is one lamb going to the slaughter that isn't taking shit from anyone! I can't remember, but did Jesus arm himself when he went as a Lamb to the slaughter? What a pompous piece of shit Joe was to compare himself to Christ.

This year's Top Ten Mormon Marital Aids

12/20/2006 - by substrate

Rod of Iron Penis Extender 10. The Apostle--a smaller-sized condom for a more prophetic fit.

9. Studded leather garments (anciently it was made of skins, after all), for severe masochists who want to look awful as well as feel awful.

8. Pioneer Girl inflatable dolls--choose from Helen, Sarah, or Fanny.

7. "Boyd's little factory" vibe--and we do mean "little."

6. "Teachings of the prophets" thongs, embossed with quotes from the brethren. Example: "I think no more of taking a wife than I do of buying a cow"--Heber C. Kimball.

5. Church Historian's beginner's bondage kit--Comes with handcuffs (to keep prying hands away from your "vault"), blindfold (to prevent anyone from seeing the truth), and gag (to keep the disgruntled from spilling the beans).

4. Rod of Iron "extender lotion."

3. "The Mormon Book of Roleplay and Fantasy"--You'll have fun going through the naughty scenarios, such as, Virginal coed meets lecherous apostate at the gym; Joseph meets a plural wife, but will Emma find out?

2. "Curse of Cain" dildo--you'll suffer "death on the spot" from pleasure.

1. Gazelem "love beads."

More of this year's Top Ten Mormon Marital Aids

12/20/2006 - by KimberlyAnn

CTR Cock Ring 10. Lime Jell-o flavored lube

9. Anointing oil/temple shield gift set

8. "We Don't Know Much About It" - A Mormon's Guide to Oral Sex

7. Crotchless garments, for giving it "through the veil"

6. Adam and Eve role play kit complete with an apple and fig leaf aprons. You provide your own snake.

5. Liahona pleasure-meter

4. New Noni Juice aphrodisiac - guaranteed to give you the mojo of old Brigham himself. Sold only at the Beehive House.

3. Edible garments, available in the Saint's favorite flavors: lime jello, vanilla ice-cream, macaroni salad, and FARMS special, Krispy Kreme

2. Joseph Smith vibrator: to be used a few times and then passed to another sister in the ward, then another, then another, then another...

1. CTR cock ring

Even more of this year's Top Ten Mormon Marital Aids

12/20/2006 - by Anubis

Joseph Smith beer goggles 10. The Brigham Young's Priesthood ball gag - keep your wife silent.

9. The Joseph Smith beer goggles - So your spouse always looks as young as 14.

8. The Oliver Cowdery Beer set with free Jack Daniels - So you can see the Golden plates and believe Joe was a prophet (JD will also allow you to believe GBH is one too.)

7. The angle Moroni penis extender - Makes your temple look taller and sanctified!

6. The temple recommend interview role playing game - Be the bishop or the unsuspecting wife. You get to ask questions like "Do you Masturbate?", "Where?" and "How Much?".

5. Joseph Smith blow up doll - You too can marry the profit. (Disclaimer: Not responsible if doll is found in other women's bedrooms)

4. Consecrated Hot oil and water set - anoint your spouse over and over again.

3. Missionary style handbook - All the positions you can't do. Also included is the twenty two volume set of LDS apologetics sex positions handbooks - You never know what position to take and the instructions are boring, long, confusing and keep changing.

2. Robert Millet dvd video PORNO - Instead of Porn Bob gives you the answer to the question you should have asked. Note: DVD is the portrayal of the Church approved version of the first vision.

1. Book of Abraham (By his own hand) masturbation manual - Written my Joseph Smith 2000 years after he died.

Top Ten LDS Gift Items This Year

12/19/2006 - by substrate

10. Handcrafted replica of the wooden window box Joseph Smith used to store the gold plates--$99.95. For $150 more, includes a replica of the plates that you can see with your spiritual eyes if you pray really hard (results not guaranteed).

9. Refrigerator-magnet "Guilt Trip Wheel"--$34.95. A perfect companion to family home evening wheels, chore wheels, and other reminders to fulfill the daily requirements of Mormonism.

8. Hand-turned, polished replica of President Hinckley's walking cane, engraved with the inspiring words "I don't know that we teach it"--$250.

7. A set of four gold fillings from a third-world church member, mounted over an etching of the temple of your choice, with an engraved plate reading "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven"--$189.95.

6. Exquisite "Richard G. Scott" alarm clock. Wakes you each morning with the gentle voice of the beloved apostle: "If you haven't already awoken, I plead with you to do so now." Includes special setting for those who have trouble sleeping; just push the "Slumber" button, and you'll hear random excerpts from Elder Scott's talks; you'll be asleep in no time!--$249.95.

5. "Book of Mormon Evidence" coffee table book, including full color photos of "NHM," tapirs in their natural habitat, and Mayan obsidian clubs. Includes 250 blank pages for you to insert additional evidence as it is discovered by scientists--$69.95.

4. "Clue: Thomas Monson edition." The popular mystery game has been updated to involve scenarios where players follow clues to discover which act of selfless service President Monson did. You'll have hours of fun discovering that President Monson gave the canary to the widow in the largest ward in the church, or that he gave the train set to the disheveled boy in the poor part of Provo.--$79.95.

3. Gingerbread creations: choose from the conference center and either of the two downtown Salt Lake malls--$2,000 (price subject to change).

2. CTR earrings (one pair per customer, please). This simple yet stunning set will show the world that you are indeed marriage material because you follow the prophet!--$124.95.

1. LDS scientific calculator. This is the same calculator used by church headquarters to show increases in membership each year (even when there aren't any); you'll be like the Kirtland Bank and discover hidden treasures in your accounts using this calculator (note: we are not responsible for any errors in calculations).

More Top Ten LDS Gift Items This Year

12/19/2006 - by JW the Inquizzinator

10) Replica faux wood hand cart, some assembly required. Great for the garden, for those EQ moving details, or for bringing in cold hard cash for tithing settlement. $189.99

9) Mountain Meadows Massacre shooting range. This replica of the site will "WOW" the young lads on the block. This electronic shooting gallery runs on AA batteries and comes with optional 'pop-up' Fancher party members. Extra points given for hitting the running children. $279.99

8) Scene It: The Temple Version. Answer questions about worthiness interviews, or select scenes for actual endowment ceremonies and guess which version it comes from. Choose your piece to move around the board...be Bro Joseph, or Brigham Young, or maybe the fiesty Protestant Preacher from the endowment ceremony (pre-1990). $49.99

7) The Lego "Build your own Mall" Game. The toddlers will love this one. Over 2 billion pieces, one for each dollar spent. $199.99

6) The Parley P. Pratt Collector's Edition Bowie Knife. Honed to a razor's edge and ready for "stickin'". Genuine NW Arkansas Oak handle. Full tang. Hector McLean sheath sold seperately. $79.99

5) The Joseph Smith Reformed Egyptian Kaleidoscope. Hold it up to the light and give it a turn. The kids will love it. Turn it once, and you see words appear. Turn it again and the words change...$12.99. Binocular version set in a pair of sterling silver bows....$1,499.99

4) The 1st Edition LDS Proclamation machine. It faxes, it scans, it prints....want a proclamation on what you can and can't drink under the WoW, just print it out. Need to know what you can and can't watch on TV on Sundays... "proclamate" it! $149.99

3) The Joseph Smith "Eureka Shovel". Looking for a gift for that 'hard to buy for' person...look no further. The Joseph Smith "Eureka" shovel is just for you. With its patented, built in metal detector you'll have loads of fun finding 'buried treasure' in your neighborhood. Who knows WHAT you'll dig up...maybe you'll start your own religion too. Batteries not included. Results may vary. $34.99

2) The Emma Smith CSI Kit. Wondering what that good-for-nothing spouse of yours is up to? Now you can sleep at night. This Kit includes the "under the skin" GPS tracking device, the perfume detector, the human secretion collection analyzer, the lipstick testing kit, and a DNA swab. Hubby says he's been out with the boys? Quit worrying and test him....our motto is "DNA don't lie". $135.99.

1) The Pearl of Great Price. Ever wonder where that sucker has been. Well we scoured the earth and found 'em. And now you too can own your own Pearl of Great Price...for the "great" price of $99.99. Set in its own Meso-american mined gold setting, these babies won't last long at this price. Hurry, supplies limited.

Prozac and Mormonism Top 10

12/12/2006 - by substrate

10. Most people get off Prozac after 6-9 months; Mormonism is usually for life.

9. Sexual side effects of Prozac are less severe.

8. Prozac doesn't care how you dress, what you eat, or whether you masturbate.

7. You can get Prozac at the pharmacy for a minimal co-payment. Mormonism costs 10% of your income.

6. People like Prozac.

5. You don't have to promise to slit your throat if you tell anyone you're on Prozac.

4. Doctors don't make you take two years out of your life to go door to door convincing others to take Prozac.

3. Prozac has documented clinical studies that are not based on fabulous tales of nonexistent pre-Columbian Hebrew cultures.

2. It's less embarrassing to admit you're on Prozac than it is to admit you're a Mormon.

1. Prozac treats depression; Mormonism causes it.

Scientology vs Mormonism Top 10

12/12/2006 - by substrate

10. Scientology has Thetans; Mormons have Kolob.

9. Scientology has the e-meter; Mormons have BYU electroshock therapy.

8. In Scientology, you pay for classes in self-awareness; in Mormonism, you pay 10% of your income for self-denial.

7. Scientology has dorky celebrities like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley; Mormonism has even dorkier celebrities like the Osmonds and Steve Young.

6. Most Americans think Scientology is a scam; most Americans think Mormonism is a weird fundamentalist religion.

5. Scientology was founded by a reclusive science fiction writer; Mormonism was founded by a sex-obsessed man who wrote scripture that sounds like science fiction.

4. Scientology has had problems with its tax status; Mormonism has had problems with honesty.

3. Most people find "Dianetics" a little weird; most people find the Book of Mormon incredibly boring.

2. It's difficult to extract one's self from Scientology; it's even harder to get out of Mormonism.

1. Scientology is a bizarre and destructive cult; Mormonism is ... well, never mind.

Top 10 Joseph Smith Pick Up Lines

12/12/2006 - by Rodney Dangerfield

10) Your favorite number isn't 34 by chance?

9) We have so much in common, you have a burning in your bosom and I have a burning in my loins!

8) Do you know that I have the gift of tongues?!

7) Wow, you're almost as old as my children!

6) How would you like to hold the priesthood?

5) Let me show you what the laying on of hands REALLY means!

4) I have a calling for you child. I'm going to send you on a mission? a mission of love!

3) Do you want to unsheathe the Sword of Laban?

2) It could be worse?, I could be Brigham!

1) I know what you must be asking yourself, "Is that a white salamander in his pocket, or is he just happy to see me?"

Top 10 rejected recruiting one-liners for the Mormon church

12/12/2006 - by T-bone

10. Your pockets will be 10% lighter

9. The North American Taliban

8. Save money on earrings

7. Now with less history to read

6. Take 2 years off

5. Become a God

4. See what's behind 1 of 3 doors

3. Trace your genealogy back to Adam

2. We'll brainwash your kids for you

1. Read my lips - no oral sex!

Top Ten Rejected BYU Mottos

12/11/2006 - by substrate

10. Enter to Be Indoctrinated; Go Forth to Breed

9. Electroshock-free since 1996

8. Please remove facial hair and critical thinking skills before entering

7. Where it's always 1955

6. Home of Sparkling Yogurt (A BYU Dairy Products Lab invention that they sell at the BYU Creamery. It's essentially what you would expect: custard-style yogurt injected with carbonation, so it fizzes when you put in into your mouth.)

5. It's Not a Lie If You Believe It

4. Arbeit Macht Frei

3. Harvard for the Superstitious

2. Closing Minds One Freshman at a Time

1. Don't Intellectualize the Gospel

Very un-PC Top Ten Rejected BYU Mottos

12/11/2006 - by T-bone

10. Bring the girls, and Bring 'em Young!

9. Where sweet spirits prepare for a life of misery

8. If you can't be with the one you love, marry the one you're with

7. Never give meat when milk will do

6. Why get an education when you can get married?

5. Get your Mrs. degree!

4. Home of Levi Love

3. Bow your head and say, "Ba-a-a-a-a."

2. Truth-free since 1875

1. We don't discriminate against homos or faggots

More Top Ten Rejected BYU Mottos

12/11/2006 - by JW the Inquizzinator

10) Do it in the Mountains by Heck

9) Word of Wisdom University..WoW! U

8) Dry Hump U 4 U

7) Exploring the Known Mormon World By Direction

6) Where a date usually means "I Do"

5) Discover 101 Uses for Green Jello

4) New Book Added to the Library Every Year!

3) Arrogant by Choice and Priesthood

2) Hives of Bees and Day Care Fees...only at the Y!

1) You can SEE with Our Stones!

HAIL to the Prophet - Top 10 Quotes from Spencer W. Kimball

12/11/2006 - by Deconstructor

10. "Sexual relations in marriage are not unrestrained. Even though sex can be an important and satisfactory part of married life, we must remember that life is not designed just for sex. Even marriage does not make proper certain extremes in sexual indulgence. To the Ephesian saints Paul begged for propriety in marriage: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself." (Ephesians 5:28.) And the Lord's condemnation included secret sexual sins in marriage, when he said: "And those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God." (D&C 132:52)"

"If it is unnatural, you just don't do it. That is all, and all the family life should be kept clean and worthy and on a very high plane. There are some people who have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it." - Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.311-12

"Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord."

"All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships. Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord. The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." - Official Declaration of the First Presidency of the Church, January 5th, 1982, http://www.lds-mormon.com/worthy_letter1.shtml

9."Prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice. What is more, it too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality. For, done in private, it evolves often into mutual masturbation-practiced with another person of the same sex and thence into total homosexuality...." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "The Miracle of Forgiveness, Pages 77-79, 81-82.

8. "Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, [unwed] pregnancy, and abortions - all ugly sins - but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins. They awaken lust and stir evil thoughts and sex desires. They are but parts of the whole family of related sins and indiscretions. Almost like twins, 'petting' and fornication are alike." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, page 65 - popular book for Bishops to use when counseling members

7. "Immorality [petting, premarital sex, adultery, homosexuality and masturbation] brings generally a guilt deep and lasting. These guilt complexes are the stuff of which mental breakdowns come; they are the building blocks of suicide, the fabric of distorted personalities and the wounds that scar and decapitate individuals or families." President Spencer W. Kimball, devotional speech to young adults in 1974, www.solotouch.com

6. "And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth." (Genesis 4:9-14.) That was true of murder. It is also true of illicit sex, which, of course, includes all petting, fornication, adultery, homosexual acts, and all other perversions. The Lord may say to offenders, as He did to Cain, "What hast thou done?" The children thus conceived make damning charges against you; the companions who have been frustrated and violated condemn you; the body that has been defiled cries out against you; the spirit which has been dwarfed convicts you. You will have difficulty throughout the ages in totally forgiving yourself." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "Love Versus Lust", BYU Speech January 5, 1965. Often-used quote still used today in LDS seminary classes.

5. "I do not find in the Bible the modern terms "petting" nor "homosexuality," yet I found numerous scriptures which forbade such acts under by whatever names they might be called. I could not find the term "homosexuality," but I did find numerous places where the Lord condemned such a practice with such vigor that even the death penalty was assessed." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "Love Versus Lust", BYU Speech January 5, 1965.

4. "If adultery or fornication justified the death penalty in the old days, and still in Christ's day, is the sin any less today because the laws of the land do not assess the death penalty for it? Is the act less grievous? There must be a washing, a purging, a changing of attitudes, a correcting of appraisals, a strengthening toward self-mastery. There must be many prayers, and volumes of tears. There must be an inner conviction giving to the sin its full diabolical weight. There must be increased devotion and much thought and study. And this takes energy and time and often is accompanied with sore embarrassment, heavy deprivations and deep trials, even if indeed one is not excommunicated from the Church, losing all spiritual blessings." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "The Miracle of Forgiveness, Page 155

3. "How like the mistletoe is immorality. The killer plant starts with a sticky sweet berry. Little indiscretions are the berries -- indiscretions like sex thoughts sex discussions, passionate kissing, pornography. The leaves and little twigs are masturbation and necking and such, growing with every exercise. The full-grown plant is petting and sex looseness. It confounds, frustrates, and destroys like the parasite if it is not cut out and destroyed, for, in time it robs the tree, bleeds its life, and leaves it barren and dry; and, strangely enough, the parasite dies with its host." -Elder Spencer W. Kimball, General Conference Address, April 1, 1967.

2. "I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today.... The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos, five were darker but equally delightsome The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation. At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl--sixteen--sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents--on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather....These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness." - Elder Spencer W. Kimball, General Conference, 1960

1. "Here he [God] has the Indian or Lamanite, with a background of twenty-five centuries of superstition, degradation, idolatry, and indolence.... I present to you a people who, according to prophecies, have been scattered and driven, defrauded and deprived, who are a "branch of the tree of Israel -- lost from its body -- wanderers in a strange land"--their own land.... I beg of you, do not disparage the Lamanite-Nephites ... Do not scoff and ignore these Nephite-Lamanites... Do not prate your power of speech or your fearlessness unless you too could stand with the Prophet Samuel on the city wall, dodging stones and spears and arrows while trying to preach the gospel of salvation. The very descendants of this great prophet are with us. They may be Navajos or Cherokees.... Mayas or Pimas.... Piutes or Mohicans.... And in these living descendants ... will be redeemed, will rise and will become a blessed people. God has said it." - Elder Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, April 1954, p.106-108

Top Ten Rejected Titles for Gordon B Hinckley Biography

12/11/2006 - by substrate

10. I Don't Know That I've Lived It

9. A Life So Meaningless That Only a Building Spree Could Rescue It

8. Standing for Nothing

7. How to Travel Around the World Without Actually Saying Anything

6. The Incredible Shrinking Church

5. Raising Children by Long-Distance Phone Calls

4. Lies and the Lying Liar Who Tells Them

3. The Faith to Build a Mall

2. We Don't Need No Stinking Prophets!

1. My Life as a Prophet, and Other Fictions

The FARMS' Boys Top Ten Uses for Krispy Kreme Donuts

11/26/2006 - by KimberlyAnn

10. Use them as Christmas tree ornaments

9. Cube them for use in DCP's favorite jello-donut salad

8. Eat them for breakfast

7. Send them as thank-you gifts to one another for conducting "peer reviews"

7. Use them as tasty sex toys

6. Re-fry them in consecrated oil for use in private, super-secret FARMS sacrament services

5. Eat them for lunch

4. Wrap them in napkins and place in wife's garment drawer as a scented sachet

3. Hang them from rear-view mirror as a FARMS-BYU parking pass

2. Eat them for dinner

1. Use them as seer stones

Top Ten Things in need of a good revelation

11/26/2006 - by JW the Inquizzinator

10. Diet Coke is NOT in violation of the WoW? And SOME teas? Can we get a list here....

9. There are three Hill Cumorah's? Or was that two...could we PLEASE just get a map?

8. Dinosaur bones were beamed here from another planet? So we'll be beamed to another planet? What is the weather like on Kolob anyway? And why don't we have that beaming technology...finally an answer to the energy crisis...and can I get beamed to Aruba pls....

7. The Book of Abraham is from DIFFERENT papyri yet to be discovered? So are they buried in a stone box? Can we a least get a "you're getting warmer" from the big guy upstairs?

6. Tapir = Horse? Steel sword = sharp rock tied to a stick? Can we get a translation guide for the BoM so we know what is what? I mean everyone doesn't know that 19th century Americans often referred to tapirs as horses....

5. Do we really HAVE to meet for THREE hours? Can't we podcast some of that?

4. Prophets don't always speak as prophets even during conference? OK can we get a sign like an "applause" sign on a TV game show that can be lit to tell us all when the brethren are saying something other than their personal opinion?

3. It's OK to watch Steve Young (and all the NFL games) on Sundays? I mean no GA has ever condemned Bro Young for willingly breaking the Sabbath every week, so it must be OK for everyone else right? I mean Steve don't look like he's in too much pain from all that "sinnin'"...

2. The Three Nephites still walk the earth? Can we get a MySpace for them with some pics so we'll know them when we see them? Do they know who killed JFK?

1. So I pay tithing on my 'increase'? Doesn't that mean after everyone else takes their fair share...like income taxes, property taxes, money to dependents, alimony, food, rent/mortgage, etc etc....because my 'increase' would be that money that I have left over after keeping my financial status level...right? Could we get a 'tithing guide' like the IRS puts out for federal taxes....

Could we get a prophet to the front please. clean-up on aisle twelve. Could we get a prophet to the front please?

Top Ten General Conference Boredom Busters

11/24/2006 - by cricket

10. Introduce three large diameter balloon look-a-like heads of Hinckley, Monson and Faust for the congregation to smack around and keep air borne for two hours.

9. Institute "the wave" whenever a speaker attempts to inject humor into his talk.

8. Keep the Saints refreshed by calling the local Deacon's Quorum as vendors to ply the aisles selling popcorn, hot dogs and Xango/Noni juice.

7. Institute the Seventh Speaker Stretch with raucus organ music and breaks to the bathrooms.

6. Keep the brethren awake during General Priesthood meeting by calling the local MIA Laurels as the "G.A. Cheerleaders" to perform during Boyd K Packer's traditional "Little Factory No No - Raise the Bar" pep rally.

5. Keep the sisters and closet-gays awake by calling Fabio as the Angel Moroni Mascot wearing only a white robe who descends and ascends three times during each session of conference tooting his horn as if flying in the midst of heaven.

4. Following NASCAR'S popularity, institute Book of Mormon tapir-chariot races up and down the aisles with FARMS workers competing for the top prize of sitting on Hinckley's lap during the closing session of conference.

3. Direct the KSL camera crew to zoom in on and show on the big screen the face any conference goer who is nodding off, picking their nose or murmuring.

2. Institute instant computer balloting for all Saints to vote on the MVP - Most Vain Prophet of the conference so as to increase the self-righteousness and stiff neckedness among the Brethren to "American Idolatry" fame.

1. Conclude the last session of conference with an explosive fireworks display guaranteed to awaken all those who still managed to sleep through the above nine boredom busters.

Top ten things Hinckley is thankful for

11/24/2006 - by substrate

10. No financial oversight.

9. Hofmann never squealed.

8. Marjorie never found his "Hustler" collection.

7. Tivo means he can sleep through conference.

6. Two words: medical marijuana.

5. Sheri Dew doesn't have time to write another brown-nosing biography before he kicks the bucket.

4. Packer's so evil that people don't notice Hinckley's progressively worsening dementia.

3. Declining church growth allowed him to lay off half the Membership staff.

2. Being president of the church means that at least Mormons don't think he's a creepy old guy.

1. He's not dead yet.

Top Ten KBYU-TV Game Shows

11/23/2006 - by Blash

10. Trooth or Inconsequences: Contestants bear their testimonies with a thermocouple sensor taped to their bosoms. The one who makes the mercury rise the most wins a no expenses paid 2 year lying vacation to a backwoods Utah county.

9. Run-N-Hide: Contestants sit on a sofa watching conference reruns. The instant they hear the doorbell, they scramble to turn off the lights and find good hiding places until the Home Teachers give up and go away.

8. Pray-It-Again-Sam: Contestants listen to sacrament prayers with one word wrong. The first one to bang the buzzer when they hear the "mistake" gets a two years supply of pasty white bread pieces and 100 gallons of chlorinated water, and two cases of tiny paper cups.

7. BOYD'S LITTLE FACTORY TOURS: Boyd K. Packin' hosts a garmentcam tour of the gonads of a new General Authority each week. The fun begins when contestants are asked to determine which image is a piece of jerky and which is a G.A. gonad. At the end of the show, the video cuts to a clip of Gordon saying, "I don't know that we teach that."

6. GEORGE LEE'S ROMPER ROOM: Dethroned General Authority George P. Lee hosts this popular show where a Penishood Holder from Colorado City is presented with an assortment of ten 9-10 year old girls. Contestants get to guess which order the Plygman will decide he wants to marry the girls. (The show used to also have contestants guess how many of the ten girls the Plygman would marry, but the number was always ALL TEN, so that part of the show lost its suspense and was dixcontinued.)

5. NAME THAT TOON: This new show is gaining popularity. Contestants are shown a clip from a Book of Mormon cartoon series and asked to estimate the circumference of the bicep on the featured character. This show was inspired by Arnold Friberg's famous Book of Mormon character paintings with upper arms the size of large tree trunks.

4. LYIN' ZION JEOPARDY: The host, Alex Tribec, runs this fast paced entertainment. Contestants select anwers from assorted categories. The first contestant who can make up a false question to which the posted answer is an untroo lie wins the points. At the end of the game, the biggest liar wins the dollar equivalent, ten percent of which is deducted and sent to the Conning Tower in Salt Lake City -- the lying capital of the world. In addition, the winner gets to sit on the rostrum at the next General Conference with the professional Liars For The Lord who are paid full time salaries and benefits for lying in slow motion on TV.

3. GREEN ACRES FARMS-R-US: This is a seasonal favorite. Contestants are given a ridiculous postulation -- something like "Girls with pony tails never fart." or "Paul Dunn was a baseball hero." -- something like that. The contestants are they sent out into the community with a camera crew in toe with the task of gathering evidence to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the ridiculous postulation is absolutely troo! The winner is given a summer intern job at FARMS to apply their talents to the ongoing proofs of the Book of Mormon, with a special project to demonstrate that the DNA evidence proves the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon somehow.

2. FOOTNOTES FESTIVAL: This is popular with BYU professors who used to worship Huge Nibley. When the game show host says GO, the contestants start typing out fake footnotes as fast as possible. At the end of the show, all the footnotes are run through a Google search, and the contestant whose footnotes get the fewest number of search matches with anything real on Planet Earth wins the grand prize, which is a summer intern job with Deseret Book to add footnotes to the latest round of General Authority anesthesia-in-print books-of-the-month.

1. SACRAMENT BREAD TOSS: This show will be cancelled soon if more people don't tune in. A sacrament tray full of tiny cups filled with chlorinated water is set up about 6 feet away from each contestant, who is given another sacrament tray full of little pieces of bread. The first contestant who is able to toss a bread chunk into each and every one of the sacrament cups is declared the winner. The grand prize is a chance to visit the White House and serve the sacrament to President Bush, who will turn to the camera and say, "I don't know that we'll eat that."

Top ten items in First Presidency vault

11/15/2006 - by substrate

10. Deleted musical number from the 1990 temple film.

9. Boyd K Packer's annotated copy of the Joy of Sex.

8. Mysterious book entitled, "Suckers and Where to Find Them" by Joseph Smith.

7. Copy of 1981 revelation to Spencer W. Kimball: "Verily, I say unto thee that peyote is good for the body."

6. Ezra Taft Benson's ACLU membership card.

5. Two years' worth of surveillance tape on Michael Quinn.

4. Gordon B Hinckley's journal, with the words "I love you, Jesus Smith" at the end of each entry.

3. All known copies of Elder Daved A Bednar's cover recording of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer."

2. Bruce Mcconkie's deathbed confession that he was, in fact, the reincarnation of Joan of Arc.

1. Last known revelation given to Joseph Smith, beginning, "Thus saith the Lord, that my servant Joseph will be rescued from his imprisonment, yea, to the confounding of his enemies," and then ending abruptly.

Another Top ten items in First Presidency vault

11/15/2006 - by KimberlyAnn

10. The Three Nephites.

9. A years supply of the GA's viagra.

8. Sex tape of Tommy Monson and a few of his lonely widows.

7. Huge stash of forged church history documents purchased by Hinckley.

6. The elephant BKP intends to ride like Hannibal through SLC once he becomes prophet.

5. The "real" first edition of "Mormon Doctrine".

4. Stash of sex toys confiscated from Passion Parties.

3. Secret supply of Hinckley's Depends undergarments with hand-appliqued temple markings.

2. Specially produced temple movie with an all-nude Adam and Eve, for use only at combined General Relief Society Presidency and First Presidency endowment sessions.

1. Secret recording of Tabernacle Choir performing "I Want Your Sex" and "Let Me Put My Love in You" used only for wedding receptions of old GA's and their hot, young virginal brides.

Top Ten Ways to Irritate Your Mormon Neighbors

11/10/2006 - by substrate

10. Scientology has Thetans; Mormons have Kolob.

9. Scientology has the e-meter; Mormons have BYU electroshock therapy.

8. In Scientology, you pay for classes in self-awareness; in Mormonism, you pay 10% of your income for self-denial.

7. Scientology has dorky celebrities like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley; Mormonism has even dorkier celebrities like the Osmonds and Steve Young.

6. Most Americans think Scientology is a scam; most Americans think Mormonism is a weird fundamentalist religion.

5. Scientology was founded by a reclusive science fiction writer; Mormonism was founded by a sex-obsessed man who wrote scripture that sounds like science fiction.

4. Scientology has had problems with its tax status; Mormonism has had problems with honesty.

3. Most people find "Dianetics" a little weird; most people find the Book of Mormon incredibly boring.

2. It's difficult to extract one's self from Scientology; it's even harder to get out of Mormonism.

1. Scientology is a bizarre and destructive cult; Mormonism is ... well, never mind.

Top Ten Ways to Irritate Your Mormon Neighbors

11/10/2006 - by KimberlyAnn

10. Mow your lawn only on Sundays while wearing as little clothing as possible

9. Mention how you finally found the perfect thong panties last week at Victoria's Secret

8. Tell them you're taking a long vacation with the money you saved by not paying tithing. Ask them to water your houseplants while you're gone

7. Drink tea or beer at the neighborhood picnic

6. Ask them if Gordon Hinckley is dead yet

5. Wear your Polygamy Porter t-shirt to the Neighborhood Watch meeting

4. Use a temple robe as part of your Halloween costume and make a throw pillow for the couch from your green apron

3. Wave at them as they leave for a 1:00pm Sacrament Meeting. Let them know you're on the way to the movies.

2. Keep "Mormonism: Shadow or Reality" on your coffee table

1. Live better than them

Another Top Ten Ways to Irritate Your Mormon Neighbors

11/11/2006 - by JW the Inquizzinator

10) Invite the Three Nephites over for coffee..and don't invite the neighbors

9) Have a reinactment of the Carthage Jail shooting instead of a nativity scene on your lawn this Xmas.

8) Let them see you digging up some 'golden plates' in your backyard and then proclaim "Eureka!"

7) Have a skeleton pushing a handcart in your lawn for halloween

6) Set up a Mountain Meadows Massacre graveyard with big headstones for the adults and child-sized ones for the kids, display on 9-11

5) Disconnect their cable TV every Sunday

4) Get a black dog and name him "Cain"

3) Send out invitations to your own 'sealing' ceremony...and then use the neighbors to help you water-seal your deck

2) Tell them Ted Haggard is moving into the house that is for sale down the street and you hear he wants to join the church

1) Ask 'em how many wives they're plannin' on having in the Celestial Kingdom

Top Ten Ways to Greet Missionaries at Your Door

11/10/2006 - by substrate

10. Honey, did you call the Geek Squad?

9. This one's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he?

8. Sorry, we're Reformed Presbylutherans.

7. Quick! Get inside, or the cops might see you!

6. Are you guys from the Log Cabin Republicans?

5. You can come in only if you give me the first token of the Aaronic Priesthood with its accompanying name, sign, and penalty.

4. I'm glad you're here. I have a few questions about the Limited Geography Theory I was hoping you could answer.

3. I didn't think the escort service was sending two of you! Cool!

2. Hey, Zed! Wake up the Gimp! Looks like we got us some fresh meat.

1. No, thanks. I'm not interested in joining a soul-sucking cult.

Top 100 Reasons Why Hinckley Is Smiling

11/10/2006 - by Tal Bachman

100.) Pretty sure that because Willard's a member, it's okay to watch Marriott pornos

99.) Mormon entrant Dan Peterson recently won local "Inter-denominational Whistling Belly Button Contest" for the 18th year in a row

98.) Uchtdorf's Hitler impression during last GA prayer circle "brought the house down"

97.) At least he doesn't have to wear that big goofy hat like the Pope

96.) Thinks he remembers now where he put his long-missing upper lip

95.) Woodruff got Washington, Madison, and Jefferson - but as of last Tuesday, Hinck's got Hendrix, Bonham, and Cobain (vicarious temple work joke)

94.) Suitcoat hankie actually a large nicotine patch

93.) No matter how much Mormons suck, J Dubs will always suck more

92.) Feels surge of power whenever he recalls that new Conference Center pulpit was made out of tree he personally ordered chopped down

91.) Focus groups raving over new sacrament emblems: Twinkies and O'Doul's

90.) A "hot young thang" - only 89 years old - recognized him at the grocery store last week

89.) "Man's Search for Happiness" way funnier than new Borat movie

88.) As part of new conference center construction, had underground GA tunnels extended to Salt Lake strip joint "Northern Exposure"

87.) Finally got Jan Shipps' annual secret salary down to under $200,000

86.) New car Porsche 911 Carerra "hauls like a motherf*****!"

85.) Finally "joined 'em" and started popping anti-depressants like millions of other miserable people in his church

84.) After reviewing latest Crossroads Mall figures in weekly private meeting, Satan, Prince of Darkness, announced excitedly he "hadn't been as happy with a Mormon prophet since Joseph himself!"

83.) Former Harvard Business School Dean Kim Clark has accepted transfer from presidency of BYU-Idaho, to overseeing church-run dog pound in Nogales, Mexico.

82.) As hoped for, low notes of new conference center organ produce pleasing "pubic vibrations" in GA seats during conference

81.) Monson's devotional puppet shows at GA meetings getting better and better

80.) Contract offer of "unlimited Krispy Kreme expense account" wrapped up FARMS staff for another three year term

79.) Mike Quinn's life now all but ruined: ha ha ha

78.) Hasn't bought forged documents off of a sociopathic serial killer in over two decades

77.) No one's figured out Spencer Kinnard's been locked in First Presidency vault since sex scandal

76.) Just heard word that a THIRD "negro" might be thinking of joining the church

75.) Judging from "Rough Stone Rolling", covert Bushman brain removal operation a stunning success

74.) Cane actually a giant tazer to keep Packer under control during quorum meetings

73.) Still feels good he had Paul Dunn assassinated for embarrassing the church

72.) Church software engineers promise that new chip implanted in android Richard G. Scott will liven up his godawful conference talks

71.) Sorenson just called; says he has identified a drawing found on bathroom stall in Mexico City bus terminal as "absolutely without question either a cumom or a curelom"

70.) Slipped in bathtub - that proves Satan really does control the water

69.) After 14 years of trying, finally pronounced "Chieko Okazaki" correctly last Thursday

68.) New plan to incorporate fast food drive-thru in new mini-temples promises to bring in millions

67.) The Marie Osmond confessionals are better than any Jerry Springer episode

66.) Proposal to replace current temple outfits with "individual Halloween costume of choice" finally approved by Quorum of the Twelve

65.) Decision to start accepting tithes on money from drug dealing and prostitution brings church policy in line with accepting tithing on Marriott's porno money

64.) The Lord is obviously preparing troubled Terrell Owens to receive the gospel

63.) Still happy that bitch Martha Stewart got what she deserved

62.) Feels pretty sure that Jesus is telling him to replace all temple Moronis with golden statue of his Irish terrier, Skippy

61.) Glad someone like Mel finally "had the guts to tell the truth about those stiffnecked Jews"

Gordon Hinckley Zelig Woody Allen 60.) Had original secret temple name changed to "Zelig", after movie character he most identifies with (http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Club/9542/zelig.html)

59.) After Jeff Nielsen affair, feels confident no member will ever make the mistake of thinking independently again

58.) Now a "big fan" of Ted Haggard after learning some great new lying techniques from him

57.) Will now get to see that babe Pelosi on TV way more often

56.) Last shipment of "BC Bud" was "totally choice"

55.) Special prayer last year in Holy of Holies that Paula Abdul be invited back on to American Idol was answered

54.) Thinks FARMS is headed up by "world-renowned scholars"

53.) Gets 24 hour access to Joseph's sex toys collection in First Presidency vault

52.) Kicked Perry's ass in latest GA "Wolfenstein 3D" video game round-robin tourney

51.) Privately-circulated pamphlet "Lying for the Lord", co-authored by him and Bob Millett, receiving rave reviews from fellow GAs, as well as from independent reviewers like Dan Lafferty, Jimmy Swaggart, and Ted Haggard

50.) "Mike Wallace likes me - he really likes me!"

49.) New multi-million dollar temple movie starring all-nude Salma Hayek as Eve sure to boost sagging temple attendance

48.) Jennings' church-rigged "Jeopardy" run gave church best publicity in years

47.) Anti-shoplifiting spy-cams in Crossroads Mall yielding lots of great footage from female bathrooms

46.) Old-time mustard poultices doing WAY more now for diaper rash than all those "useless priesthood blessings"

45.) Finds GA's weekly human-sacrifice occult ritual under the Salt Lake Temple "totally hilarious!"

44.) Church fumigators finally able to rid conference center of rank old folk's home smell

43.) Recently learned the middle names of his children after being mostly away on church business while they were growing up

42.) New revelation: "just one earring per ear" rule now replaced by new "just one ear" rule ("although we do leave it up to the individual sister to decide which ear she would like to keep")

41.) New requirement that all sister guides on Temple Square receive double D breast implants from church surgeons already spiking conversion rates

40.) "Bednar's my bitch!"

39.) Feels his about-to-be-canonized addition of mustache, glasses and a Boston Red Sox cap to "the idolatrous priest of Elkenah"'s head in Facsimile One is a "huge improvement"

38.) His plan to deliver next conference address in Speedy Gonzales-style Mexican accent sure to do wonders for latino member morale

37.) Son Richard was called to be a GA "completely by revelation" - thank you Jesus!

36.) Can't wait to try Joseph's "Heber and Vilate Kimball" loyalty-test sex trick out on Oaks' hot new wife Kristin

35.) Secret bid for Seagram's International moving along very nicely

34.) FARMS already has rationale for Seagram's takeover ready to go: something about "there must needs be opposition in all things", "'alcohol' does not always mean 'alcohol'", and "nothing in the Word of Wisdom prohibits 'everyday business transactions'"...

33.) Bribes to BYU accreditation committee stave off embarrassment for another year

32.) Mounting resignations and declining growth rates prove he's doing a great job, since it just means church membership is being "purified"

31.) Forthcoming Ensign piece on the sexual tension between Brooks and Dunn sure to help bring back disaffected gay Mormon cowboys

30.) Just received Alzheimer-induced revelation stipulating that all members henceforth refer to him as "Colonel Kurtz"

29). Having himself polygamously sealed "for time and all eternity" to old-time Hollywood hotties Mary Pickford, Lilian Gish, and Clara Bow next Monday at 9:00 AM; suicide planned for Monday, 9:12 AM; first spirit world "conjugal visit" to all three scheduled for Monday, 9:12 and a half.

28.) Reinstituting BYU electro-shock therapy, this time for those suspected of voting Democrat in recent election

27.) Cross-dressing in private makes him "happy as a freshly-shucked clam in white wine sauce"

26.) Gladys came over last Monday night for "Funkadelic Home Evening", and taught him how to "get his freak on"; (now knows for sure that "once you try black, you ain't never goin' back").

25.) Has Romney by the gerbils

24.) Sister Samantha, personal nurse, really getting good at the "laying on of hands" during catheter changes

23.) KSL as per his demands once again airing favourite "BJ and the Bear" reruns

22.) Now secretly *enjoys* listing occupation as "cynical leader of sick, fraudulent cult" on census form

21.) Weekly GA hide-and-seek games way funner now that he's authorized playing in after-hours Salt Lake Temple

20.) No one so much as suspects he poisoned Benson and Hunter

19.) Plans finalized for "MegaloMormonLand" $800 billion dollar theme park featuring 200 foot statue of himself in front, sporting "aw shucks" impish grin and favourite cane

18.) Favourite band Rammstein just added Salt Lake City to their tour itinerary

17.) Never has to listen to a "mixed-up moronic masturbatory" Maxwell talk ever again

16.) New Book of Mormon edition comprised of 400 totally blank pages sure to silence critics

15.) Managed to keep straight face during publicity tour interviews for "Standing for Something"

14.) No longer has to listen to Marjorie's incessant nagging about Playboys on back of toilet

13.) "Felt inspired" to judge that in his own case, a nip of brandy every morning was "medicinally required"

12.) Developed new hand-shadow that looks just like Jeffrey "Jowls" Holland in profile

11.) Thrilled at latest FARMS theory, "The UNlimited Geography Theory", which states that "new textual research indicates that Book of Mormon events did not necessarily even transpire on planet earth, or even within our own galaxy".

10.) Made $14,000 bucks last week playing online Texas Hold 'Em

9.) As part of new "Project Babylon" research program, felt himself duty bound to watch the entire "Girls Gone Wild" series - and ol' Lazarus rose from the dead

8.) Still has no idea favourite singer Freddie Mercury was "gay as a French trombone"

7.) Thinking of replacing somber prayer-circle temple ritual with choreographed dance sequence set to Toni Basil's "Mickey"

6.) Pretty sure chronic Sabbath-violator (and non-mission-server) football star Steve Young will be joining the Mormon church any day now

5.) Now so old that "I don't know" claims sound more like senile dementia than the deliberate lies they really are.

4.) With appointment of Bednar and Uchtdorf, average age of Mormon General Authority has plummeted to 83

3.) New Shakespearean roadshow idea "Titus Negronicus", starring Gladys Knight and Thurl Bailey, sure to boost church popularity in the hood.

2.) Backing away from nearly every last item of Mormon doctrine has made the whole thing so much easier to believe in

1.) Knows, but isn't telling

Top Ten Reasons Gordon B Hinckley Is Smiling

11/07/2006 - by substrate

10. He's "Doing the Dew."

9. He gets a cut of all cost overruns at the new downtown malls.

8. He's close to his goal of having enough temples to spell "Gordon Rules" when viewed from space.

7. New garments with built-in Depends.

6. He's had his thorazine already this morning.

5. According to FARMS, his smile is reminiscent of early Sumerian kingship rituals and thus proves the authenticity of the Book of Mormon.

4. He's enjoying the Bachman/Substrate/KimberlyAnn parody contest.

3. He'll be dead before Packer finds out about the orgies.

2. He's thinking how pissed Brigham Young would have been that an insincere schmoozer like him made it to the top of the hierarchy.

1. He's still alive.

More Top Ten Reasons Gordon B Hinckley Is Smiling

11/07/2006 - by KimberlyAnn

10. New and Improved Fixodent

9. Is in a secret polyandrous marriage with Wendy Watson-Nelson

8. Reached deal with Doubleday to publish new blank edition of Book of Mormon

7. Gets to watch his own conference talks over and over again on TiVO

6. His personal nurse is non-Mormon walking pornography

5. New Marie Osmond Dolls for his collection are personally delivered by Marie herself

4. Uses Church credit card to purchase gourmet cheeses from pretty girls on QVC

3. Dan Peterson just hand-delivered new FARMS produced anti-Mormon pamphlet sure to keep the membership in line AND brought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts

2. His cataracts and poor vision facilitate his delusion that Sheri Dew is smokin' hot

1. The Ex-lax finally worked

Top Ten Halloween Costume List - Exmo Style

10/13/2006 - by Simeon's Peep Stone

10. Go as a Big Bottle of Consecrated Olive Oil. Nothing says "I'm a Mormon" like having a 32oz. bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil around the house with the word "Consecrated" written across it in big black marker.

9. Go as The Holy Ghost. This one is easier to pull off than you think. All you need is a large white sheet and a pair of scissors. 20-30 holes should do the trick.

8. Go as Shiz or Laban. Either way, you're a headless Israelite living in America. To accesorize, be sure to carry a bottle of wine with you as Laban. For Shiz, go around gasping for air even though your head is already off.

7. Go as a Carthage Mob Member. This is sure to get your bishops attention. Simply paint your face black and carry a musket with you while muttering "Ole Joe's gonna get it".

6. Go as a Lamanite. But Simeon, I'm caucasian. No need to worry, we've got you covered. You can either go as Zelph the White Lamanite or just tell people you've repented and turned whitesome and delightsome.

5. Go as a Handcart Pioneer Zombie. The best part about this costume is that you won't get tired from carrying all that candy while trick or treating. Your handcart will come in handy for transporting your goods. Just be sure not to trick or treat in the snow.

4. Go as Ammon. This is a great option for those kids out there that want to carry a sword. Splash some fake blood all over them, give them a bag of arms and they're good to go. He was so righteous! Good thing he had a steel sword, otherwise chopping off all of those arms would have been tough.

3. Go as President Hinckley. Put on your Sunday best and break out the walking stick. This one is great if you're on a budget. This costume is all about how you carry yourself and what you say. You can only say three phrases through the night when dressed up as the Hinckster: "I don't know" . . . "I don't know" . . . "I don't know".

2. Go as an Ordinance Worker. This costume works on many levels. If you can get your hands on an all white get up and name tag, you'll be on your way. After saying trick or treat be sure to point to the candy and ask,"What is that" . . . "Has it a name" . . ."Will you give it to me".

1. Go as good ole' Joe Smith. There are so many incarnations of this guy that the options are limitless. You can pick from: Leg Surgery Joe, Head in a Hat Joe, Drunken Joe, Treasure Seeking Joe, Prisoner Joe, Nauvoo Legion Joe, Polygamous Joe, Martyrdom Joe, Presidential Nominee Joe, King of the World Joe . . .

Top 10 Things To Do In the Temple While You Still Have a Recommend - Exmo Style

09/14/2006 - by Simeon's Peep Stone

10. Act out ritualistic suicide rites so cult fanatics will have something to talk about. (Oh wait, this used to happen. How did this make the list?)

9. Tell the ordinance worker that is giving out new names that it's time for his break. Then, take his place and give everyone in that session a different new name. Watch all hell break loose at the veil.

8. Replace the olive oil in the initiatory room with sausage grease. Do I smell sausages?

7. Insist on the 5 points of fellowship at the veil. When they tell you it's not done that way anymore, respond in a loud voice, "Next thing you know, Blacks will have the priesthood!".

6. In the middle of the endowment video, put a wig on and sneak over to the women's side.

5. While doing sealings, tell them you feel inspired to say something in behalf of the spirit of the deceased. Blurt out, "Why the fuck would I want to be with you forever! I only agreed to "until death do us part".

4. Throw a superbowl party in the Lone and Dreary World room. This is sure to liven the place up. No one is there on Sundays anyway.

3. While in the prayer circle, ask someone else to leave since you don't feel good feelings towards them. Then make farting noises during the prayer.

2. While passing through the veil, use an electic vibrating hand buzzer to give a nice little shock to the Lord.

1. Join me in the 1st annual Baptismal Font Canon Ball Contest. The Naked Belly Flop Contest follows immediately after. (You can wear a shield if you really want to.)

Top 10 things my Bishop has promised me to get me to come back to church. For some reason though, I just don't trust him.

09/14/2006 - by Simeon's Peep Stone

10. Agreed to let me pay 7% Tithing instead of 10% since 3% goes to BYU anyway.

9. According to further light and knowledge, "mild drinks" are now back to being beer.

8. Temple attendance is now optional as long as I wear my apron when doing housework.

7. He agreed to tell my wife that oral sex is a "higher law" and to abide by it.

6. I can now do my home teaching by e-mail. No response required.

5. Since I'm married, a lap dance is considered good for strengthening the loins.

4. Garments are optional if I get the marks tattooed on my chest.

3. If I don't tell anyone what I've found out I get a life long pass from nursery callings.

2. If I come back now, my calling and election will be made sure.

1. I can still become a God and have sex for all of eternity with my hundreds of wives to populate a world of my own. My spirit children will then worship me for all of eternity down 9 levels deep and 9 levels wide. My bonus only kicks in when my first 3 levels are full though.

Top ten deep thoughts by Mormons

05/07/2006 - by dp

10. I feel so different. I don't even like green Jell-O.

9. We really need to convert Victoria Secret.

8. What if he was holding the peep stone backwards?

7. Why don't we call our older folks "Youngers"?

6. What if someone asks if they can pray about the 1830 version BOM?

5. What if Donny Osmond got a sex change, changed his name to "Marie" and married Michael Jackson, who was a reformed Mormon, who had converted to Jehovah's Witness, after divorcing his monkey, but just before his Temple Recommend was revoked for child molestation and "I forgot what the question was".

4. Would personal blood atonement have any effect on a vampire?

3. What if you drown in the proxy baptistery for a Titanic victim?

2. I lie to people to bring them into the most moral religion on earth "I think."

1. I trust Joseph Smith. But what if that Moroni guy was lying?

Top ten reasons I know Mormons have a sense of humor

05/07/2006 - by dp


9. Multiple wives means multiple mothers-in-law.

8. "Pay Lay Ale" means "Prostitutes and Beer" in Native American.

7. "Mrs. Smith, can Joseph come out and play Jews and Indians?"

6. Tolkien gets to be God over Saturn (if they can convert him). Think about it.

5. They think Jeff Lindsay is funny (Oh, sorry, that goes on the "top ten reasons I know Mormon's are mindless freaks" list.)

4. LDS official breakfast cereal: Kolob with crunch-berries.

3. LDS convert from northern Africa: Reformed Egyptian. (eww, that was bad).

2. Personal blood atonement for caffeine use.


Top ten shortest Mormon books

05/04/2006 - by substrate

10. Contemporary Evidence for the First Vision

9. The Joy of Sex, by Boyd K. Packer

8. Accepting Your Gay Child, by Spencer W. Kimball

7. Fundamentals of Science, by Joseph Fielding Smith

6. Promoting Racial Harmony, by Brigham Young

5. True Stories from the Life of Paul Dunn

4. The Questioning Mind, by Thomas Monson

3. What I Don't Know, by Bruce R. McConkie

2. Hot Monogamy, by Joseph Smith

1. Straight Answers from President Hinckley

Top Ten Most Embarrassing Things in Mormonism

04/28/2006 - by Mister Scratch

10. Zelph, the White Lamanite. Reason: WTF was Old Joe thinking?

9. Paul H. Dunn, the lying, tall-tale spinning general authority, who made millions bilking fellow Mormons with his bullsh*t war and baseball stories.

8. The Kinderhook Plates. Please, GBH and friends, would pretty please with a cherry on top explain these to us? What is TSCC's stance on the Kinderhook Plates?

7. Polygamy. (Would be higher up on the list, but obviously it can't be considered all that much of an embarrassment for TSCC, since it's still canonized scripture!)

6. The "God literally having intercourse with Mary" doctrine. Our buddies at FAIR might want to dismiss this one, the Morg might want to sweep this one under the carpet, but it's not going away. Face it TBMs: you believe that the Immaculate Conception wasn't very immaculate at all. At least we can hope that HF made an effort to get Mary off, eh?

5. Kolob. Seriously, now, folks---who invented this religion, Joseph Smith? Or Flash Gordon?

4. The Mark of Cain Doctrine. Nothing calls for a good ol' slap on the forehead like institutionalized racism. Boy, what were they thinking with that one! TBMs want to say that they believed this because God told them to. But that's a crummy reason. The real reason, naturally, was that they felt superior to people of color, and that they still do.

3. The Mark Hoffman episode. It's tough to say what's funnier: the fact that the GAs were duped, or what they were duped by. Odd, too, that they were taken in by stuff that reflected so badly on TSCC, such as the Josiah Stowell Letter, and the Salamander Letter. It's almost as if they were *expecting* bad, embarrassing stuff to turn up...

2. The Book of Abraham. The fact that this contributed to two of the other items on this list (Mark of Cain and Kolob), automatically elevates it to greatness. Another element in its favor is the fact that this is quite possibly the most heavily debated item on the FAIR messageboard. Until TSCC can come up with a better explanation for Old Joe's "translation," The Book of Abraham will always hover at the top of the Top Ten List.

(Drum Roll)... The number one most embarrassing thing about Mormonism is...

1. Boyd K. Packer. No individual in the entire history of Mormonism has contributed more nuggets of idiocy, hate, and outright imbecility than everybody's favorite GA, BKP. The man who wrote "To Young Men Only" and "The Mantle is Far, Far Greater Than the Intellect" deserves a place at the top of this pantheon. Here's to you, Boyd! Here's to your antiquated attitudes towards masturbation, women, and homosexuality! Here's to your rampant fear mongering, and your push to excommunicate key Mormon intellectuals like Mike Quinn! Here's to your lame analogy comparing your testimony to the taste of salt! In short, here's to you and your unflinching, ceaseless efforts to make the Mormon Church everything it is!

Top 10 things Monson will change as Church President

04/06/2006 - by Seneca

10. The work of Robert Frost will become one of the 'Standard Works'
9 Ward houses will begin to look more like nursing homes.
8. Women will be allowed to become Bishops if they reach 80 years old and are widowed.
7. Any new revelations he receives will be given in Seuss.
Thus saith the Lord...
To Missouri we must go, we must go
To Missouri we must go, we must go
Or in ashes we will be
So to Missouri we must go,
I cannot go you may have said
I must first go bury my dead
I must first go bury my dead
Then Join them you will, you will, you will.

6. Chocolate Chip cookies with milk and other pastries will now be part of the health part of the WOW.
5. Instead of 'Teachings of the Prophets' Brigham Young, we will have 'Teachings of the Poets' Carl Sandburg for priesthood and relief society meetings.
4. Will insist on being refered to as a Poet, Seer, and Oratator.
3. Every talk in Church will require a heartwarming story...

"Today the Bishop has asked me to talk about the evils of child abuse. Once there was a little girl named Jenny who was asked to visit her grandpa in the nursing home, but she refused. Mom asked why? Jenny cried that he touched her in weird ways. Mom said that maybe if we took him cookies and milk..."

2. Toni Morrison will become the next General Relief Society President. (even if she isn't LDS)
1. Robert Frost will suddenly place a prominent role in the early history of the Church.

Top ten surprises from the lost 116 pages

04/06/2006 - by substrate

Recently, the lost 116 pages of the Book of Lehi have been recovered and will shortly be published by FARMS. Although their contents are not widely known, there have been some surprises:

10. Lehi's sons were really named Laman, Lemuel, Nephi, and Buddy.

9. Martin Harris transcribed the book in "burnt sienna" crayon.

8. Nephi cut off Laban's head because Laban told him he'd trade the plates for a blowjob.

7. Lehi writes that his stupid son Nephi kept calling tapirs "horses" and obsidian clubs "steel swords."

6. The dream of the tree of life came after Lehi went to bed after eating a particularly spicy bowl of chili.

5. Nephi "shocked" his brothers by rubbing his feet on the carpet.

4. Laman and Lemuel's real issue was an overpowering bondage fetish, hence their repeatedly tying up Nephi.

3. Nephi's first attempt at building a ship, dubbed "The Minnow," was disastrous and led to the loss of seven family members on a deserted isle.

2. Lehi made up Reformed Egyptian as a joke.

1. The book begins, "Wow, it's really hard to write on plates when you're drunk!"

Top ten April fools jokes at spring General Conference

04/01/2006 - by leavitt

1. The Church is true

2. Hinckley is a prophet

3. Joseph Smith was a prophet

4. The Book of Mormon is true

5. Jesus lives and is the Savior of the world

6. Prayers are answered

7. Paying tithing brings blessings

8. The Church is growing

9. Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus

10. Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon

Top ten reasons to go to BYU

03/30/2006 - by substrate

10. You can spend March studying without worrying that BYU will make the NCAA tournament.

9. Where else can you get sparkling yogurt with your navajo taco?

8. Inadequate parking + spotty bus service = lots of exercise.

7. An hour off every Tuesday at 11:00. Just enough time to head downtown for a beer.

6. The Honor Code gives you the chance to fulfill your dream of being a professional tattle-tale.

5. You can balance "Fitness for Life" with Bookstore fudge.

4. At BYU, NCMO (non-commital make out) means you haven't bought the ring yet.

3. They take better care of their grounds than they do their students; "deviant" shrubs don't get electroshock therapy.

2. The ecclesiastical endorsement helps you practice lying for your temple recommend.

1. No one will ever challenge your most-cherished beliefs.

Top ten good things about Mormonism

03/30/2006 - by substrate

10. No one else offers free masturbation counseling.

9. Modest clothing standards keep us from seeing flabby shoulders and pasty white thighs.

8. It offers an important social support structure based on superficiality and conformity, and who wouldn't want that?

7. Even Jehovah's Witnesses feel intellectual with Mormonism around.

6. Utah would still be a barren wasteland without Mormonism. Oh, wait, it still is. Never mind.

5. At least it isn't Scientology.

4. Without Mormonism, Michael Ballam would not have a career.

3. HFPE channels women's frustration at being subjugated into constructive channels. Anger can make for some great macrame.

2. Even the most pathetic loser can be a star if he knows a little about ancient Egypt and can cry on command.

1. We wouldn't appreciate life now as much if we hadn't been Mormons first.

Top ten reasons Mormon wedding receptions are lame

03/30/2006 - by spinner

10. No alcohol.

9. No alcohol.

8. Everybody brings along their 6 kids who they let run wild rather than hiring a babysitter.

7. Most of the guests treat it as their family dinner for the night, gorging themselves.

6. These same guests who gorge themselves and all 6 kids on the wedding food bought a $5 picture frame from K-Mart as a gift.

5. No alcohol

4. The tasteful ambience of the basketball court doesn't set a very festive or intimate mood.

3. The bride and groom and the parents stand in the stupid line all night rather than actually mingling with the guests in any way.

2. No alcohol

1. The opening and closing prayers.

Top ten oxymor(m)ons

03/30/2006 - by substrate

10. FARMS scholarship

9. Temple architecture

8. Inspired leader

7. Truth restored

6. Knowledgeable missionary

5. Church Education

4. Uplifting history

3. Sustaining vote

2. Voluntary donation

1. Informed investigator

Commander in Chief Mitt Romney's Top Ten Priorities Upon Taking Office

03/30/2006 - by cricket

10. Replace office of vice president with offices of First Counselor and Second Counselor

9. Reduce current size of Cabinet from fifteen to twelve to match the number of oxen supporting Mormon temple baptism fonts.

8. Call the Three Nephites to assume the Office of Homeland Security.

7. Disconnect the "Red Phone" from the link to Moscow to a link to Salt Lake City's Church Administration Building.

6. Order all military personnel to wear Mormon temple garments for protection from bullets, fire, knife wounds, weapons of mass destruction and sexually transmitted disease.

5. Suggest to Gordon Hinckley that he call Hillary Clinton as first non-Mormon General Relief Society President in order to get more Democrat votes for his second term.

4. Call Boyd K Packer to head up the Federal Bureau of Investigation into any and everything of a personal nature to young men.

3. Rename the Department of the Interior to the Department of the Inferior and call his wife Ann as the director.

2. Begin each cabinet meeting with gang-like handshakes, tokens, signs and penalties and conclude the meeting with the "True Circle Jerk Order of Prayer."

1. Make Re-formed Egytian the official language of The United Nations.

Top ten rejected Brigham Young statements on entering Salt Lake

03/16/2006 - by substrate

10. Holy crap! It's worse than I thought.

9. Sorry, this will have to do. My hemorrhoids won't take another day in this wagon.

8. Just think, someday this valley will be home to two spacious malls.

7. It's nicer than Nauvoo. No swamps.

6. What is that? It smells like rotting brine shrimp and seagull droppings.

5. We really appreciate the welcome gift basket from the Eagle Forum.

4. That Brannan is such an idiot thinking that California is nicer than this place.

3. No, really, I thought we were just taking a potty break.

2. First things first. We need to start plowing. We can discuss gay/straight alliances and Intelligent Design later.

1. Of course they'll believe it. Anyone who believes in gold plates and angels with flaming swords will believe this is the right place.

Top ten statements you won't hear in sacrament meeting

03/10/2006 - by substrate

10. Sister Hansen, don't you think you have enough children?

9. Sorry, son, you just don't look good in a white shirt.

8. Brothers and sisters, I feel prompted to share something I read in Heidegger the other day.

7. We'd like to read in the membership of Dave Smith and his life partner, Rob Jenkins.

6. I'm going to read a letter from the First Presidency, but you can all take it with a grain of salt.

5. The elders quorum president has asked that we show a little more competitive spirit in our ward basketball games.

4. Bishop, it appears the voting has been unanimous in the negative. We'll just have to call someone else.

3. We realize that finances are tight for many members, so if you need to cut down on tithing, feel free. The Lord will understand.

2. No, really, the prophet has just given guidelines. Have as many piercings as you would like. We won't judge you.

1. My name is substrate. I used to post on Recovery from Mormonism, but then I read this article from FARMS, and everything became clear.

Top ten signs that my child might be a genetic ex-Mormon?

03/10/2006 - by substrate

Signs of Latent Apostasy typically manifest themselves between the ages of 7 and 10. If your child manifests more than 5 of the following behaviors, he or she may be exhibiting early signs of genetic ex-Mormonism:

1. Discomfort or unease in the presence of jello salad.

2. Wearing of multiple earrings or political t-shirts.

3. Compulsive reading of philosophy, viewing of art-house films, and listening to "college music."

4. Excessive time spent playing video games or watching The OC to the detriment of time watching BYU-TV or Living Scriptures videos.

5. Repetitive eyerolling in sacrament meeting.

6. Use of any of the following terms: cognitive dissonance, free-thinking, paradigm, True Believing Mormon.

7. Refers to you as "my deluded family."

8. Signed poster of Tal Bachman on bedroom wall.

9. Excessive absence from church events, especially when food is involved.

10. Owns the complete Journal of Discourses.

Top ten signs that my child might be a genetic Mormon?

03/10/2006 - by substrate

Signs of Latent Mormonism typically manifest themselves between the ages of 7 and 10. If your child manifests more than 5 of the following behaviors, he or she may be exhibiting early signs of genetic Mormonism:

1. Discomfort or unease in the presence of caffeine.

2. Inappropriate wearing of white shirts and ties (boys) or floral print summer dresses (girls).

3. Compulsive gardening, scrapbooking, or multilevel marketing.

4. Excessive time spent watching BYU-TV or Living Scriptures videos to the detriment of time spent playing video games or watching the OC.

5. Repetitive handshaking.

6. Use of any of the following terms: flip, fetch, LGT, FARMS, postmodernism.

7. Refers to you as "my apostate family."

8. Signed poster of Daniel Peterson on bedroom wall.

9. Excessive lateness, unless food is involved.

10. Owns the complete works of Afterglow.

Top ten Top ten excuses for reading Recovery from Mormonism

03/10/2006 - by substrate

10. I'm just trying to reach out to the less-active.

9. I thought it said "sexmormons." I was looking for porn.

8. It's part of my calling as ward mission leader.

7. Somebody else read it, and I was just trying to figure out who. Was it you?

6. Honest. I just googled "Gordon B. Hinckley," and it popped up.

5. No, dear, that says "Recovery from Moronism." Completely different thing.

4. Someone told me the bishop posts here.

3. Actually, it's a site about how the pioneers did reupholstering.

2. I have to, as one of the officers of the Steve Benson fan club.

1. I think our computer has been hijacked by the Strengthening the Membership Committee.

Top Ten Excuses for Joseph Smith seducing other men's wives

03/03/2006 - by substrate

10. I thought she was a hooker

9. I was really drunk when I had that "revelation"

8. I didn't think you'd be home from your mission so soon

7. Would a call to the apostleship get you to forget about this?

6. I thought she'd say yes

5. Daniel Peterson said it was OK

4. It's part of my reparative therapy from Evergreen

3. I thought she was your daughter, not your wife

2. It was her idea

1. Something about an angel and a flaming sword

Top Ten Mormon Desserts

03/01/2006 - by substrate

10. Death On the Spot (a mixture of chocolate and vanilla mousse)

9. Hinckley Meringue Pie (so much fluff with nothing in it)

8. Salamanderdoodles

7. Gingerbread Child-Brides

6. Seed of Cain Brownies

5. White and Delightsome Cake

4. Decaffeinated Coffee Cake

3. Marshmallow Peepstones

2. Abraham's Mnemonic Jelly Scrolls (they're not what they look like)

1. Coconut Cureloms

Top Ten Deep Thoughts by Mormons

02/27/2006 - dp

10. I feel so different. I don't even like green Jell-O.

9. We really need to convert Victoria's Secret.

8. What if he was holding the peep stone backwards?

7. Why don't we call our older folks "Youngers"?

6. What if someone asks if they can pray about the 1830 version BOM?

5. What if Donny Osmond got a sex change, changed his name to "Marie" and married Michael Jackson, who was a reformed Mormon, who had converted to Jehovah's Witness, after divorcing his monkey, but just before his Temple Recommends were revoked for child molestation and (I forgot what the question was.)

4. Would personal blood atonement have any effect on a vampire?

3. What if you drown in the proxy baptistery for a Titanic victim?

2. I lie to people to bring them into the most moral religion on earth "I think."

1. I trust Joseph Smith. But what if that Moroni guy was lying?

Top Ten Reasons I Know Mormons Have A Sense of Humor

02/27/2006 - dp


9. Multiple wives means multiple mothers-in-law.

8. "Pay Lay Ale" means "Prostitutes and Beer" in Native American.

7. "Mrs. Smith, can Joseph come out and play Jews and Indians?"

6. JRR Tolkien gets to be God over Saturn (if they can convert him). Think about it.

5. They think Jeff Lindsay is funny (oh, sorry, that goes on the "top ten reasons I know Mormons are mindless freaks" list)

4. LDS official breakfast cereal: Kolob with crunch-berries.

3. LDS convert from northern Africa: Reformed Egyptian. (eww, that was bad).

2. Personal blood atonement for caffeine use.


Top ten lies Mormons tell us about apostates

02/21/2006 - nobody in particular and 4 decades Recovery from Mormonism

10. The kids will be devastated if you leave.

9. You're rejecting God and righteousness

8. You're rejecting your marriage vows

7. You'll start drinking

6. You'll lose your "morals" and start sleeping around

5. You'll lose your social support system

4. You'll lose the spirit

3. You'll lose blessings

2. You'll lose eternal life

1. You'll be miserable but we'll love you anyway

Top ten (plus more) things Jesus heard when he visited BYU

02/02/2006 - runtu and others from Recovery from Mormonism

10. Dude, get a haircut.

9. I'm sorry, you can't go in the testing center until you shave.

8. No, sorry. It will have to be bread and Y sparkle.

7. You're right. I think Satan did come up with the idea for sparkling yogurt.

6. You're 33 and not married? You better talk to your bishop.

5. No, that's not a whited sepulchre. It's the Joseph Smith Building.

4. I'm sorry, but we don't let just anyone into the special collections section of the library. There's some sensitive stuff in there.

3. What? You've never heard of Gordon B. Hinckley?

2. I love your posts on the FAIR boards.

1. It's nice having you here, Lord, but we were kind of hoping to see Joseph Smith. - runtu

I'm sorry, but you can't wear those flip flops in here! - msnobody

What are you talking about? No one at BYU says "I'm sorry" before chastising you. They all think it's their duty to call everyone to repentance. - Aloysius

Now, really, get something that covers your chest and feet. - T-bone

Look at that dude in the robe and sandals. He must be gay.

Get a haircut, hippie! - dick

Show me your "beard card.

You're not from around these parts are you?

Hold out your hand and I'll share my Skittles with you. Oh, Fetch! You keep dropping them! - NumLock

What if Jesus got called as the ward organist (cussing)

"Bishop, I would love to play the organ, but in case you didn't notice, my hands are ALL FUCKED UP!" - dick

What do you mean I can't throw the first stone? - AxelDC

You really should have spoken MORE about tithing you know.

What is this something for nothing crap...gracie.

Why no crosses? because we really don't want to think about that..and could you cover up those bloody holes PLEASE...jeeez.

Hey, where's your apron and pizza hat?

You must be looking for the international campus...here's a ticket to Hawaii.

Are you the one that turned the water cooler water into wine? Come here wise guy.

What do you mean you don't know the secret handshake? - JW the Inquizzinator

Whaddya mean, this is your first visit to America". - Glo

Ferchrissakes shave off that beard!! - Barber

What, Jesus? You haven't heard of temple garments OR the sacred symbols?

Jesus, Lord, sir, could you please tell me why you are laughing so much? Is it something I said? - Matt

Top ten things heard in Hinckley's hospital room

01/18/2006 - by Disorderly Orderly

10. Wow, I've never seen a mummy this well-preserved.

9. Make sure security keeps Packer away from the IV line.

8. No, President Monson, I don't think he's up to another Edgar Guest reading.

7. Uh, doctor, I think you're working on the wrong end.

6. What? He's comatose? Oh, just tell the press he's "resting comfortably."

5. Disease like this usually is caused by having one's head shoved up there for extended periods of time.

4. Yes, I am married, and no, I'm not interested in polyandry.

3. Quick! Give him more sedatives before he starts telling the truth again.

2. Why does it say "Made in Mexico" on the back of his neck?

1. Yes, he will fully recover. He'll be back to dissembling and obfuscating within a week.

Top ten other organizations for liberal Mormons to join

01/15/2006 - byTal Bachman

10. Latin American Catholic Priests for Catholic-poaching Pentecostal Missionaries

9. Yankee Fan Red Sox Fans

8. Oxymorons Personified Anonymous

7. Upper-East-Side-Angora-Sweater-Wearing Debutante NASCAR Boosters for Open Borders with Mexico

6. Trent Lott-loving Black Democrats for Repealing the 1964 Civil Rights Act

5. Mormon Apologists for Post-modern Approaches to Defending an Authoritarian Absolutism" (oops, that group already has a name: FARMS)

4. Illegal Immigrants Against Illegal Immigration

3. Palestinians for Netanyahu

2. Marine Generals Against the Military Industrial Complex

1. Gay Atheists for St. Paul

Top Ten Huge Hibley Footnotes of Distinction

01/08/2006 - by Blash, Agnostic 1 and cricket

10. Smith, Joseph, Jr., The Tenth First Vision Yarn, (unpublished), First Presidency Vault, COB Conning Tower, SLC, pp. 2-5 (In this account, unpublished for obvious reasons, the Prophet wrote that the two beings that appeared to him in a Celestial Vision were actually Fanny Alger's breasts dangling above him in the air. One breast pointed its nipple to the other breast and called it by name, saying, This is my beloved Left Breast in whom I am well, pleased, and in whom it is obvious, my son, Joseph, that thy rod and thy staff is well pleased as well. Hear ye Her.)

9. Hinckley, Gordumb B., I Don't Know That We Teach That, Deserted Doctrine Books, Salt Lake City, Utah 2002 pp. 334-344 (This is a listing of most of the embarrassing, lameass, downright laughable points of doctrine published previously in officially sanctioned Moron literature. President Hinckley is able, because of his advancing years, to forget anything potentially damaging to the Church's ongoing attempts to camouflage its true nature long enough to attract new clueless dupes into the fold.)

8. John L Sorenson., Connecting the Dots by : Making Sense of the UFO - Unidentified FARMS Objections - Phenomenon, Voyagers Publishing. pp.666-9 (Wanting connections, I found connections--always, everywhere, and between everything and the more "far-out" the better.)

7. Pucker, Boyd K., Raising the Blood Pressure Bar, Little Factory Outlet Publishing, Salt Lake City, Utah 2002 pp. 188-90. (This bald no nonsense work is the kind of personal and compassionate advice that readers have come to expect from Mr. Pucker. Addressing young people every where that are becoming of age and trying to get a hold of themselves and find their natural sexual identity in this naked world, Boyd brings the wisdom of personal experience to the table in a way not seen since the days of P. Dunn.)

6. Dumb, Paul H., Integrity and other living examples of the Godspell and the fullness thereof, The Church of Joseph Smith of Latter Day Snakes Publishing and Clearing House, Salt Lake City, Utah 2002, pp. 1-134. (In the inspiring fashion that is so typical of Paul, he explains and exemplifies the plain and simple truths of the church's everlasting doctrines in the honest down to earth manner that only he can embody.)

5. McDonkey Bruce R., The spiritual nature of love, kindness and acceptance of all beings within the fluid embrace of the doctrine of Moron in the book of Ether, Curelom and Camelot Publishing Contortium, Salt Lake City, Utah 2002, pp. 69-666. (Inspite of a reputation for flowery metaphors and pastoral analogies, Bruce is able to eventually home in on the real meanings expressed by the latter day understanding of the sentiments found in the teachings of faith in the master and savior himself - Joseph Smith. If it's perfection you are looking for, it's between the pages of this book as sure as it was between the sheets of the holy bed of the one and only most perfect and true flaming sword threatened prophet of these latter days.)

4. Jared, Brother O., Divine navigational techniques of airtight submersible experimental watercraft, Smith Family and Whitney Bros. Publishing, Vt,NY,Oh,Mo,Ill. 1830-38 pp. 479-84. (This is the manual for all intrepid explorers to orient and discover any and every corner of our round world. A person will grow closer to a full understanding with this volumn than with any other known work concerning a journey of lost tribes.)

3. Younger, Alma T., Stripping the warriors and calling the repainters, Spaulding, Smith, Smith, Harris and Whitney Publishing. Nauvou, Ill. 1842, pp. 234-9 (The perfect companion set for anyone one interested in macho-dude like tribalism and He-man self-righteousness. It has been said that this is the original inspiration of the united order of brick painters.

2. Moroni, T. Angel, Psychological reaffirmations of self awareness within the scope of gladiator mind control techniques. Smith, Rigdon, and Harris Inc. Publishing. Jackson Co, Mo. 1833, pp. 520-522 (The real deal ! One hundred percent verified self testing for every human being. Apply this simple exam to anyone and find out exactly their level of sincerity or their Spiritual Quotient (SQ - in professional circles).

1. Lehison, Nephi, Oriental horticulture, husbandry and metallurgy and occidental landscape design and developement. Spalding, Smith, Rigdon, Smith, Harris, Smith and Associates Publishing and Distribution services, NY,Pa,Oh,Ill. 1828-1842 pp. 1-522 (Everything you ever wanted to know about everything and more. From the start to the end and in the middle, you will find it here. As has been often acclaimed this is the most perfect of books. It's the new and improved version - the latest upgrade with the most current of information. You need no other book in your library. More cannot be said.)

Top ten reasons the Mormon Church is not a cult

12/19/2005 by Runtu

10. We took out the throat-slitting gestures.

9. Larry King likes us.

8. At least the weird-ass underwear doesn't show, like those freaks who wear turbans.

9. Unlike JWs, we don't officially shun apostates

7. Missionaries can call home anytime they want on Christmas and Mothers Day

6. The green apron matches my eyes.

5. Cults have charismatic leaders. We haven't had one of those since 1844.

4. Ask yourself, would someone like Gordon B. Hinckley be involved in a cult?

3. We encourage questioning, as long the answers are in the manual.

2. We don't hide embarrassing history; we just choose not to talk about it.

1. Three words: pay lay ale.

Top Ten Ways To Look/Act Like A Mormon Woman

12/19/2005 by Amy Stevens

10. Smile and nod (a Lot) -Listening not necessary.

9. Slacks/Levi's koolots must button as high on the waist as possible (pleats are also considered attractive...) 8. Button up "blouses" with lacy collars are a big hit.

7. Long pleated floral skirt- a MUST.

6. Loafers or other slip on shoes that hide the toe/heal (Don't want to be immoral! You never know when you might cause some young churchgoer to think about sex by exposing your foot/heal!)

5. Spend time getting to know your curling iron.

4. Sweaters with cheesy holiday embellishments are a big hit.

3. Sweater VESTS are also hugely popular.

2. Don't show toooo much personality. you want to stay dull.. er.. I mean, humble.

1. Cry when EVER you talk about "The Gospel."

Top 10 things the 'Sealed Portion' of the BOM really holds

12/15/2005 by Cicero

10. Kentucky Fried Chicken Original 13 Herbs and Spices

9. Mormon's little black book phone numbers he hid from his wife.

8. Fermot's Last Theorem

7. The prophesied winners of the NBA, MLB, and NFL championships to the year 2015.v 6. Laman and Lemuels senior pictures.

5. Love Poetry written between Alma and Ammon.

4. Dress for Success, a prophets guide for picking up Chicks, by Abinadi.

3. The theory of everything.

2. Some blood stains from when Moroni missed his chisel and smashed his thumb his little hammer while writing about the Jaredites.

1. A black smear from when Mormon was carrying the plates with him, was jumped by some Lamanites and 'hefted' them against the dudes heads to escape.

Martha Nibley Beck - Top Ten Mo-Quotes from Leaving the Saints

12/03/2005 by cricket

I just finished listening to Martha Nibley Beck's "Leaving the Saints " and compiled my top ten favorite Mo-quotes from her work.

10. My mother kept grinding away at the one occupation recommended for Mormon females – breed well in captivity.

9. Regarding DNA analysis of Native Americans beings of Asian origin rather than Middle Eastern: This is the time for apologists to rush in like white blood cells attacking a virus to defend Joseph Smith and the subsequent Mormon leaders. Nobody does this better than my father.

8. There are layers and layers of Latter-day Saint culture and niceness is only the top layer, the icing on a perfect home baked cake.

7. The only thing scarier than telling my secrets would be keeping them. When the sensitive information you carry is your own history, going mute to protect the system doesn’t keep you from being destroyed, it just means you destroy yourself.

6. Regarding her wedding day endowment: Everyone in the room simultaneously pantomimed the various modes of death that would be inflicted on us if we broke the vows of secrecy. This part of the temple ceremony used to be even gorier. One promised method of death was to have one’s tongue torn out by the root.

Now-a-days the whole murder/suicide pact segment of the ceremony has been eliminated. I think that’s a damn shame. I can’t imagine anything that can clean out your spiritual sinuses as fast a getting together with a bunch of clean cut normal as pie Mormons and performing a synchronized group mime of your own violent death.

I found it so surreal that it was truly marvelous. Like watching a episode of Leave It To Beaver in which June and Ward take just a moment out of their busy day to agree that if they ever leak the family secrets, they’ll hack off each other’s limbs.

5. I’ve always been perplexed that when my son with Downs Syndrome speaks gibberish people assume it’s because he’s mentally retarded, but when Mormon leaders do the same thing, Latter-day Saints assume it’s because the power and depth of their insight boggles ordinary understanding.

4. Mormons are absolute suckers for a juicy life after death testimonial and my father, a Mormon’s Mormon if every there was one, was talking more like Stephen King. On the other hand I remember that Mormons also believe in the literal resurrection of the physical body. Latter-day Saints never cremate their dead because on the morning of the first resurrection, when Jesus appears in Jackson County, Missouri (If you’d to get your tickets right away?) all the graves of the truly righteous saints will fly open and they’ll be raised up to meet Christ with their original flesh and bones but intriguingly, no blood, reanimated and restored to excellent condition, like a pre-owned Lexus.

3. A good Mormon woman has elaborately curled longish hair until middle age and a permed upswept coiffure in later life. Either way, the highly sprayed hair moves as a unit like a padded, shellacked helmet protecting the brain from injury or information.

2. Regarding the September Six dissident purge: Mormon leaders made public statements that likened the intellectuals to ravening wolves among the flocks. I kind of like the wolf analogy myself. After all, wolves are cooperative social beings who control the population, baby sit each others puppies and develop life long friendships. I decided I vastly preferred being a wolf to being a woman who runs with the sheep.

1. I know a lot of people who claim that their families are weirder because of Mormonism, but I am one of a much more select group who can justifiably claim that Mormonism is weirder because of my family.

Top Ten Hymns that sound dirty but aren't

11/27/2005 by MInkster

10. p.302 "Let Us All Press On".

9. p. 42 "Firm as the Mountains".

8. p. 70 "Come thou Fount".

7. p.332 "Rise Up, O Men of God".

6. p. 91 "Let Each Man Learn to Know Himself".

5. p.186 "To Nephi Seer" (Hold to the Rod, the Iron Rod).

4. p. 69 "How Long, O Lord".

3. p.159 "Should You Feel Inclined".

2. p. 98 "Come, all ye Sons of God"

1. p.283 "Up! Arouse Thee".

Top Ten Organizations That Would Have Been Established If Moroni Had Left the Gold Plates Behind

11/27/2005 by cricket and others from Recovery from Mormonism

10. The Reformed Egyptian Institute of Advance Linguistics where the roots of the Adamic tongue are traced all the way back from the mountain villages of Guatemala

9. The NASA based Interstellar Translated Being Teleporter Station based in Palmyra, New York instead of Cape Canaveral.

8. The Fancy Archaeology Ruins and Mormon Studies (FARMS) exchange program where Jewish people Israel swap homes with hogan dwelling Navajo Native Americans for two years.

7. The Unsolved Mysteries of Mormonism reality TV show where FARMS and FAIR workers scour the Palmyra area for the Lost 116 pages and wagon loads of other gold plates hidden in the hills.

6. The Sword of Laban Fencing Academy where 19 year old white and delightsome Mormon males match blades and wits with Jehovah's Witness and Seventh Day Adventists.

5. The Coriantumr Neurosurgical Center for Advance Spinal Chord Regeneration. Their slogan is "Even if you get your head lopped off, you can still do pushups." Students from the Sword of Laban Fencing Academy fill in for Coriantumr doctors on weekends.

4. Western Hemisphere Equine Cloning Project where a special hybrid species created from splicing tapir, deer and horse genes has created a talking tapir, named Bambi who rears up on its hind legs in response to the command "Giddyup Gidgiddoni."

3. Trials of Native Treatment Organization (TONTO) which exhibits the benevolent treatment of indigenous people by Mormons. This includes the Shoshone Massacre, Mountain Meadow Massacre and the displacement of the Ute Nation to make way for the campus of Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.

2. The Curelom Preservation Society. All proceeds go to the society's efforts of reintroducing Cureloms back into their natural habitat.

1. The Jaredite Oceanographic Institute, where church funds are used for undersea exploration. The Institute consults with the Naval Academy in designing more efficient and miraculous submarines.

Top Ten Signs You Have a Recovery from Mormonism Bulletin Board Problem

11/23/2005 by Tal and Sunflower of Recovery from Mormonism

10. You meet new people and when they ask you what you do, you say, "I post on RFM". - Tal

9. Your wife appears in the doorway in a negligee holding a bottle of champagne cooing, "Are you coming to bed?", and you mumble, "In a bit - I'm just finishing up an RFM post". - Tal

8. You got rid of Google and MSN as auto browsers and programmed your computer to go right to www.exmormon.org. - Tal

7. Your idea of a really fun day is sitting in front of a computer all by yourself reading RFM posts. - Tal

6. Each time your read, see, or hear anything interesting, you exclaim, "I just had a great idea for an RFM post!". - Tal

5. You've named your new canaries Nightingale, SusieQ#1, Noggin, and Mad_Viking. - Tal

4. Susan issues a warning about bandwidth, and, feeling kind of panicky, you immediately email her volunteering to help pay for more just so you can keep your posting up (no comment). - Tal

3. When you make a really intelligent post and refresh every 10 seconds to see if somebody replied. - Sunflower

2. You've changed your password to "Eric K". - Tal

1. You're reading this stupid post right now! - Tal

Mormonism and Scientology - Top Ten Similarities

09/17/2005 by Voldemorg, S Benson, pkdfan2, Bryan and apfvrf

10. Both headed by former Mormons, Heber Jentz from Bountiful, Utah and Gordon Hinckley (Hinckley no longer believes in the Mormon doctrine of eternal progression or polygamy.)

9. Both were started by barely educated hack sci-fi writers.

8. Some fools decided both founding books, Dianetics and The Book of Mormon would make great road maps for life.

7. Both rely on "beautiful people" (such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Mitt Romney, Steve Young) to spread their messages, and both organizations will sue your ass up and down if you defame or question them.

6. Neither allows outside scrutiny or criticism.

5. The conflicts of Hubbard and Smith's lives developed, not from a perceived difference between truth and falsehood, but (as Fawn Brodie remarked of Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church) "between what they really were and what they most desperately wanted to be."

4. Hubbard and Smith's genius lay in embracing their followers in their fantasies of a modern, secularized version of the millennium. In particular, they seem to have had, uncanny powers of suggestion, inducing visions or "out of body experiences" in their subjects, or visions of heavenly messengers.

3. Hubbard and Smith combined the search for meaning with a sense that The End is near, fertile ground for cults. The 1830's had Mormonism; the 1960's had Scientology. Both are totalitarian and absolutist, both have junk theology, both venerate a messiah whose glaring faults are whitewashed in order to make them into models of perfection.

2. Both require a steady stream of money which is never accounted for, try to isolate 18 year-olds through service to the cult which takes them away from their family, feel morally superior, have interplanetary gospel, aggressively assail all other beliefs and complain of persecution when rejected.

1. Both have brainwashed followers who are virtual zombies who believe anything they're told and discourage further contact with friends and family who won't convert.

Top 10 Ways to Spiritually Prepare to Enter LDS Temples

08/19/2005 by Hugh the Free Morgbot

10. Give up all sense of individuality.

9. Cease rational thought.

8. If male, take up baking. If female, take up hiding your face in public.

7. Build dexterity in your right hand in order to perform the handshakes with ease.

6. Practice bowing your head and saying, "Yes."

5 Repeat everything everyone says. This will prepare you for the true order of prayer.

4. Practice getting dressed fast. That way, you can look like you've been to the temple more often than the other patrons.

3. Learn to sleep with your eyes open. This will help the time to pass without the side effect of people thinking you're making light of something sacred.

2. Pray and give thanks to the great something in the sky that the initiatories have been changed so nobody will have to lather your naked body with olive oil.

1. Read "Captain Morgan's Exposition on Freemasonry" and realize Joseph Smith stole the whole thing, then call the temple and cancel your appointment. Oh, then call the bishop and say you won't be coming back.

Top 10 Proxy Problems at the Celestial Gate

08/13/2005 by Tazzie

10) "No, seven endowments and twelve sealings can't be used to count as one baptism."

9) "You're not entitled to extra celestial privileges just because you've been baptized fifteen times!"

8) "I'm sorry, but someone else with that identity is already here."

7) "Elvis, are you sure the information you have given me is correct? We show ten different ordinance records for you and none of them seem to exactly match your personal history. Are you sure your name is not Elves Presley?" (Actual entry in online IGI.)

6) "What do you mean you don't know any of the people you've been sealed to?"

5) "You say you don't want to be sealed to either of your first two wives, only to your third. We can't find any record of a third wife. You'll just have to take your pick of the first two -- or maybe you can find someone who will trade."

4) "You took vows of celibacy as a Jesuit and you don't want to be sealed to a spouse? It shows here that you're sealed to Dozie Duff -- and Dozie wants the sealing to stay intact!"

3) "Now, Henry, we know you authorized the executions of two of your wives, Anne Boleyn and Kate Howard -- but our records show that you've been sealed to them multiple times. While we do understand that you do not want these wives, who now have their heads back and are still very upset with you, for your eternal reward, you're sealed to both of them...."

2) "I don't care if you were a Catholic Pope and the Vicar of Christ, you can't bring your mistress in here unless you're properly sealed to her."

1) "If you're Jewish, then your name must definitely be down here somewhere."

Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About Joseph Smith's Death

06/11/2005 by rmw

1) Joseph Smith abandoned his garments some time before he was imprisoned. He was not wearing them when he died.

2) Joseph Smith was arrested and put in Carthage Jail because he ordered the destruction of a printing press that was exposing the truth about his polygamy and his plans to take over the U.S. government and institute a theo-democracy.

3) At first, Joseph Smith tried running away from arrest by fleeing with Hyrum to Texas.

4) Joseph Smith drank wine the night before he was killed.

5) Joseph Smith sent a secret message to the Nauvoo Legion commander to bring troops to break him out of jail which the commander refused to do.

6) Joseph Smith was smuggled a gun by a church friend which he fired frantically at the storming mob eventually killing two of them.

7) Joseph Smith went to the window of the jail in view of the mob to scream the Masonry distress call hoping to influence help by fellow masons.

8) Joseph Smith was wearing an occult object called a Jupiter Talisman on him on the day he was killed.

9) Joseph Smith left 33 widows, one as young as 15 and eleven that were already married to other men.

10) Joseph Smith died as a "King." He was voted this office by a secret Council of Fifty over which he was head.

Top Ten Odd Quotes From Mormon Leaders

06/11/2005 by rmw

1) Heber C. Kimball - The earth is alive, conceives and came from its parent earth, Journal of Discourses, vol. 6, p. 36 (1857)

2) Brigham Young - "no man or woman in this dispensation will ever enter into the celestial kingdom of God without the consent of Joseph Smith. ... every man and woman must have the certificate of Joseph Smith, junior, as a passport to their entrance into the mansion where God and Christ are" Journal of Discourses, vol. 7, p. 289 (1869)

3) Joseph Smith - The term 'Mormon' comes from mon in Egyptian which means good, and with more in front of it, or mor, comes to mean "more good." Times and Seasons, vol. 4, p. 194 (1843)

4) Oliver B. Huntington - As far back as 1837 Joseph Smith said the moon was inhabited. "He described the men as averaging near six feet in height, and dressing quite uniformly in something near the Quaker style. In my patriarchal blessing, given by the father of Joseph the Prophet, in Kirtland, 1837, I was told that I should preach the gospel before I was 21 years of age; that I should preach the gospel to the inhabitants upon the islands of the sea, and — to the inhabitants of the moon, even the planet you can now behold with your eyes. The first two promises have been fulfilled, and the latter may be verified." Young Woman's Journal, vol. 3, p. 263-264 (1892)

5) "What is the church of the devil in our day, and where is the seat of her power? ...It is all of the systems, both Christian and non-Christian, that perverted the pure and perfect gospel ...It is communism; it is Islam; it is Buddhism; it is modern Christianity in all its parts." (Bruce McConkie, Mormon Apostle, The Millennial Messiah, pp.54-55)

6) "I could refer you to plenty of instances where men have been righteously slain, in order to atone for their sins. I have seen scores and hundreds of people for whom there would have been a chance (in the last resurrection there will be) if their lives had been taken and their blood spilled on the ground as a smoking incense to the Almighty, but who are now angels to the devil, until our elder brother Jesus Christ raises them up—conquers death, hell, and the grave. I have known a great many men who have left this Church for whom there is no chance whatever for exaltation, but if their blood had been spilled, it would have been better for them. The wickedness and ignorance of the nations forbid this principle's being in full force, but the time will come when the law of God will be in full force...This is loving our neighbor as ourselves; if he needs help, help him; and if he wants salvation and it is necessary to spill his blood on the earth in order that he may be saved, spill it." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 4:220)

7) "And Christ was born into the world as the literal Son of this Holy Being; he was born in the same personal, real, and literal sense that any mortal son is born to a mortal father. There is nothing figurative about his paternity; he was begotten, conceived and born in the normal and natural course of events, for he is the Son of God, and that designation means what it says." (Apostle Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, p. 742.)

8) "There are some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessing of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to the line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin." (Brigham Young, The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations, p. 680.)

9) "Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon?...when you inquire about the inhabitants of that sphere you find that the most learned are as ignorant in regard to them as the most ignorant of their fathers. So it is in regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain. It was made to give light to those who dwell upon it, and to other planets; and so will this earth when it is celestialized." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 13:271)

10) "Gold and silver grow, and so does every other kind of metal, the same as the hair upon my head, or the wheat in the field; they do not grow as fast, but they are all the time composing or decomposing." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 1:219)

Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Polygamy

06/11/2005 by rmw

1) One of Smith's first manipulations of a woman occurred with his girlfriend, Emma Hale. He told her that through revelation (the rock in the hat) he learned that the only way he was to retrieve the gold plates (from which the Book of Mormon was written) was to marry him. If she didn't, he wouldn't get the plates and he couldn't translate them. She believed him and since her father was very much against them getting married, they eloped. This may have given Smith confidence in his ability to manipulate women which led to his extreme methods of womanizing later. (Reminiscences of Joseph Knight, LDS Archives; Mormon Enigma, Linda King Newell, pg 19).

2) Larry Logue's study indicates that about 33% of Mormon households were polygamist when polygamy was at its peak.

3) Polygamist marriages were not as successful as Mormons are led to believe. It is estimated that there were over 2000 divorces granted prior to the 1890 Manifesto. Brigham Young himself granted 1,645. Of the 72 general authorities who were polygamists, 39 had broken marriages, including 54 divorces, 26 separations and 1 annulment. (Utah Historical Quarterly, Winter 1978, p4)

4) Brigham Young stated that one of the main reasons for polygamy was so that "noble spirits which are waiting for tabernacles (bodies) might be brought forth." (J of D 4:56). However, a study done on polygamy indicated that plural marriages produced fewer children than monogamous marriages. "Plural marriage, including monogamous remarriage, actually slightly suppressed the total number of children born." (The Mormon People: Their Character and Traditions 1980).

5) Many Mormons believe that there was an abundance of women in the church at the time of polygamy. This is false. The U.S. census from 1850 to 1940 and all available records of the Utah church show that men outnumbered women in the church and in Utah. (Joseph Smith: The First Mormon, 1977, p360).

6) Polygamy was illegal everywhere the Church practiced it including Illinois, Mexico, Canada, and Utah after 1862. The only exception was that between 1847-1862, polygamy was allowed only in the Utah Territory.

7) Wilford Woodruff issued the Manifesto (ceasing polygamy) in 1890. Many were caught by surprise. Only three apostles approved the Manifesto in manuscript and half the quorum were barely supportive when they met just before Conference to discuss the newly published document. (Dialogue, Spring 1985, pp 46-7)

8) Even the prophet Joseph F. Smith didn't stop practicing polygamy after the Manifesto was issued. President Joseph F. Smith's wives bore him 13 children after the Manifesto, even though he publicly testified (thus lied) he was not "cohabiting" with them. (Dialogue, Spring 1985, p.83).

9) Many Mormon leaders taught that polygamy is practiced in heaven and during the millennium. Bruce R. McConkie stated: "Obviously the holy practice (of polygamy) will commence again after the Second Coming of the Son of Man and the ushering in of the millennium." (Mormon Doctrine, 1966 edition).

10) Studies done on population indicates that it would be very difficult for polygamy to work in heaven. There will not be enough females for polygamy. Mormons believe that all children who die before the age of 8 are "automatic" heirs to the highest heaven. An analysis indicates that of the 70 billion people or so that have been born on earth, the gender ratio has been about 104 males to 100 females. An estimated 47% of males and 44% of females have died before age eight. That means 1.7 billion more males than females have so far made it to the highest heaven.

Top 21 Modern LDS Teachings That Are No Longer "Emphasized" within the last 50 years

06/11/2005 by rmw

1) Polygamy is a necessary act for eternal life.

2) Mentally challenged people are the "elect" from the pre-existence.

3) Our race and nationality assignment was based on our valiancy in the pre-existence.

4) The "church of the devil" are all churches except Mormonism and the "most abominable" one is the Catholic church.

5) Blacks are an inferior race and the least intelligent.

6) It is a sin to practice any type of birth control.

7) Rich LDS are more righteous than poor ones because the Lord blesses them with prosperity.

8) The U.S. Government will collapse and the Mormons will take over.

9) LDS saints will be called back to Missouri to take over the land and build a gigantic city of the New Jerusalem which brightness will be seen from the oceans.

10) It is better to die than to be violated sexually.

11) Some sins can only be atoned by the shedding of the perpetrator's own blood.

12) Dinosaur bones and other ancient fossils came from other planets that were used in the construction of this earth.

13) All of our problems are direct obstacles given to us by God to help us grow.

14) God will never give us a problem that we cannot overcome.

15) God will never allow an LDS leader to lead us astray.

16) LDS leaders regularly meet with Jesus Christ himself.

17) Masturbation and sexual sins lead to outward diseases such as acne as a mark from God for disobedience.

18) Natural disasters are purposely caused by God because he is angry about our lack of obedience.

19) Dark skinned people will become lighter when they turn to the gospel and are obedient.

20) Satan is in control of the water and important LDS people shouldn't risk going on large bodies where Satan can overtake them.

21) God was once a man and men can become Gods.

Top Ten Most Offensive Statements by Mormon Leaders

06/06/2005 by rmw

10. "It is also to the Book of Mormon to which we turn for the plainest description of the Catholic Church as the great and abominable church. Nephi saw this ‘church which is the most abominable above all other churches' in vision. He ‘saw the devil that he was the foundation of it' and also the murders, wealth, harlotry, persecutions, and evil desires that historically have been a part of this satanic organization. Bruce R. McConkie. Mormon Doctrine [1958], 130.)

9. "I think no more of taking another wife than I do of buying a cow." - Apostle Heber C. Kimball, The Twenty Seventh Wife, Irving Wallace, p. 101.

8. "Brethren, I want you to understand that it is not to be as it has been heretofore. The brother missionaries have been in the habit of picking out the prettiest women for themselves before they get here, and bringing on the ugly ones for us; hereafter you have to bring them all here before taking any of them, and let us all have a fair shake." - Apostle Heber C. Kimball, The Lion of the Lord, New York, 1969, pp

7. "You may inquire of the intelligent of the world whether they can tell why the aborigines of this country are dark, loathsome, ignorant, and sunken into the depths of degradation ...When the Lord has a people, he makes covenants with them and gives unto them promises: then, if they transgress his law, change his ordinances, and break his covenants he has made with them, he will put a mark upon them, as in the case of the Lamanites and other portions of the house of Israel; but by-and-by they will become a white and delightsome people" (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 7:336).

6. "The day of the Lamanites in nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome. . . The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation. . .There was the doctor in a Utah city who for two years had had an Indian boy in his home who stated that he was some shades lighter than the younger brother just coming into the program from the reservation. These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. Spencer W. Kimball; The Improvement, Era, Dec. 1960, p. 923)

5. "You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind....Cain slew his brother. Can might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 7, page 290).

4. "Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so." (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Volume 10, page 110.)

3. "Not only was Cain called upon to suffer, but because of his wickedness he became the father of an inferior race." (Tenth LDS President, Joseph Fielding Smith The Way to Perfection, p.101.)

2. "Let us consider the great mercy of God for a moment. a Chinese, born in China with a dark skin, and with all the handicaps of that race seems to have little opportunity. but think of the mercy of god to Chinese people who are willing to accept the gospel. In spite of whatever they might have done in the pre-existence to justify being born over there as Chinamen, if they now, in this life, accept the gospel and live it the rest of their lives they can have the Priesthood, go to the temple and receive endowments and sealings, and that means they can have exaltation. Isn't the mercy of God marvelous?

Think of the Negro, cursed as to the priesthood... This Negro, who in the pre-existence lived the type of life which justified the Lord in sending him to the earth in the lineage of Cain with a black skin, and possibly being born in darkest Africa--if that Negro is willing when he hears the gospel to accept it, he may have many of the blessings of the gospel. In spite of all he did in the pre-existent life, the Lord is willing, if the Negro accepts the gospel with real, sincerer faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessing of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get celestial glory. (Race Problems--As They Affect The Church, An address by Mark E. Petersen at the Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College level; Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah, August 27, 1954.)

1. "We do not intend to admit to our campus any homosexuals. If any of you have this tendency and have not completely abandoned it, may I suggest that you leave the university immediately after this assembly.... We do not want others on this campus to be contaminated by your presence." (Ernest Wilkinson, president of Brigham Young University, in a 1965 lecture to the BYU student body, titled: "Make Honor your Standard."

The top ten reasons for becoming an ex-Mo

05/15/2005 by Tazzie

10. You will receive an immediate ten percent increase in income.

9. You can be seen in public with gays and lesbians.

8. You will be able to spend a week alone.

7. You can wear a floral shirt and denim shorts and have a "Barbie" on Sundays.

6. You won't have to replace your worn-out garmies. You can buy new underwear from K-Mart.

5. You can throw your old name tag away.

4. You will no longer have to go to St. George to drinks your six-packs.

3. You will be able to shop at the mall on Monday nights.

2. You will never have to hear Boyd K. Packer speak about masturbation again.

1. You won't have to save all your dead relatives.

Top Ten Reasons the LDS Church has not kept its May 1995 agreement with Jewish groups and has continued to dunk dead Jews not related to the LDS Church Members

04/17/2005 by Tazzie

10) The names of hundreds of thousands of dead Jews have mysteriously appeared in the ordinance lists of the LDS Church since May 1995.

9) Many Mormons do not know that the names Chaim, Menachem, Moshe, Shlomo, Finkelstein, Anne Frank, Albert Einstein, Golda Meir and David Ben-Gurion have something to do with Jews.

8) Some Mormons think that the [Jewish] Three Stooges and Marx Brothers might want to be LDS.

7) The LDS Church has had no control over its temple submissions, therefore it could not stop the flow of the names of dead Jews into its temples, along with wives of Popes, dead cows, and Adolf Hitler and his favorite Nazis.

6) Some Mormons think that Auschwitz was a factory that made electrical switches and plumbing supplies and that Treblinka was a place that produced blinking lights.

5) The LDS Church has to keep it members busy at all costs, therefore why not keep throwing in the names of thousands more Jews?

4) Some Mormons thought it was a pity to let all the Holocaust memorial books for Jews and lists of Jewish Holocaust victims go to waste.

3) LDS temples have to be kept fully operational and regularly supplied with names--any names.

2) It can take ten years for some Jewish lists to circulate and process in LDS temples, therefore why stop a good thing?

1) Dead Jews can't tell the live Jews (who signed the agreement) that Mormons keep dunking them.

Top Ten Questions for Boyd Packer's Polygraph Test

03/31/2005 by George Washington and Abe Lincoln

George: Boyd, having been true and faithful in all things, desires further faith promotion by conversing with the Lord through the polygraph.

Abe: Present him at the polygraph, and his request shall be granted.

George: First off Boyd, just a little warm up question to calibrate the polygraph: Have you ever destroyed or removed any documents from LDS archives that you found to be "non-faith promoting?"

Boyd: Upon the five points of fellowship...

George: Sorry, Boyd, just answer yes or no.

10. Have you ever found any young Mormon elders particularly attractive?

9. Have you every sanctioned the surveillance and license plate recording of suspected gays or apostates at non-faith promoting activities?

8. Have you every pretended not to be "directing behind the scenes" any local "courts of love" or disciplinary councils when actually you were?

7. Have you every had a lower ranking member of the Twelve such as Dallin Oaks "cover your ass" publicly?

6. As the most despised apostle in modern times have you every practiced so much unrighteous dominion that a fellow member of the Twelve described you as a "grizzly bear?"

5. Did you once tell D. Michael Quinn that female LDS Church employees in the Church Office Building are generally fat and ugly, and described this as a an example of a truth that is not faith promoting?

4. Do you insist that your pamphlet, "To Young Men Only" continue to be printed and distributed to young men in the Church in spite of well spring of complaints from your colleagues and subordinates?

3. Do you go against the advice of the Brethren who recommend members of the Church keep journals by defiantly stating, "I don't need to keep a journal, my life is recorded in my Church talks and speeches?"

2. Do you have a gay nephew that you "know" is going straight to the Telestial Kingdom?

1. Have you ever masturbated?

George: Thank you Boyd. That will do.

Boyd: Okay, now give me my Temple Recommend back!

Top Ten Things The Hinkster Will Not Be Announcing

03/31/2005 by Sam Adams

10) The Lard says "No more garmies!" I command, "going commando"

9) CTR rings OUT, CTR tattoos IN

8) New XXX Temple Film see Jenna Jameson as Eve and Peter North as Adam

7) MLM program split 50/50 tithe for ea. full tither you dunk

6) DNA stands for Do Not Ask and we won't tell

5) No more Patriarchal blessings, read your horoscopes!

4) Wifey told me in a vision "Priesthood for Women"

3) Boyd K. Packer OUT, Sheri Dew IN

2) We're merging with the Muslims

And the last thing that the Hinkster is not going to announce in General Conference is...

1) I tried it I like it, it's OK to be GAY!

Top ten similarities between Gordon Hinckley and Kim Jong Il

03/27/2005 by NY

10. Both control all of the information reaching their subjects.

9. Both try to keep the truth of what goes on in their kingdom from the public.

8. Both lie and completely distort the truth to maintain their control.

7. Both are willing to cover up dreadful acts to stay in power (i.e. still cannot be truthful about Mountain Meadow Massacre and the Hofmann fiasco).

6. Both follow communist philosophy (Marxism for Kim and for Hinckley The Law of Consecration). Actually, The Law of Consecration is more close to Marxism than any other major system on earth today. Kind of funny when you reflect on Ezra Taft Benson’s incessant ranting about communism.

5. Both are into self-worship and idol worship of past leaders (i.e. more references to Joseph Smith than to Jesus Christ, busts of the prophets in the great and spacious building, the Rameumptom in the great and spacious building constructed from Hinckley’s own walnut tree wood, the great and spacious building itself and the 100 temple construction to the glory of Hinckley ).

4. Brainwash their subjects from an early age.

3. Hunt down and punish those that try to leave the system.

2. Forbid their subjects from discussing the truth and the problems with the system and its history.

1. They hold farcical votes to make the system appear to be democratic. They make the decision beforehand and they correct people who vote otherwise.

Top ten key points of Hinckley’s big announcement

03/26/2005 by whocoulditbenow

10. Because most members seem to worship Hinckley rather than Jesus the name of the church is being changed to “The Church of Gordon B. Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

9. Hinckley’s mental illness is worsening in the form of greater delusions of grandeur. Therefore not only is the name of the church changing, but Hinckley is going to declare himself as the Savior of the world. The second coming has arrived, Hinckley is here.

8. Members will be required to name their firstborn son after Gordon. Firstborn daughters will be named Gordette for the same reason.

7. The name of BYU will be changed to Gordon Christ University.

6. All scriptures and lesson manuals will be reprinted changing the references to God, Jesus, etc. to Gordon. Our apologies to brian-the-christ but Gordon-the-Christ is the real deal.

5. Because Gordon Christ is reigning personally on the earth he will issue a statement that all governments can be disbanded, he is now the king. Sounds like Joseph Smith for some strange reason.

4. Sustaining votes in church will not be necessary. All directives from Gordon will become law immediately on falling from his lips.

3. Deseret Books will begin selling crucifixes with Hinckley hanging from them.

2. Statues of Hinckley’s backside are going to be placed at the veil in the temple. Rather than secret handshakes members will need to kiss Hinckley’s butt before entering the celestial room. Most members already kiss his butt to advance in the church, this action will just make it official.

1. The Holy Ghost's new temple name will be revealed as "The Gordy Ghost."

Top Ten Church Handbook of Instructions Hypocrisies

03/26/2005 by Deconstructor

The Church does not follow the rules in its own Handbook of Instructions, the governing rulebook of the Church. Members are strongly told to avoid groups that:

10) "Challenge religious and moral values" even though they send missionaries out to do that very thing

9) "Advocate unwarranted confrontation with spouse or family members as a means of reaching one's potential" even though male and female members are told that membership in the church and the magnification of their callings is more important than their marriage

8) "Imitate sacred rites or ceremonies" even though the temple ceremonies are a blatant imitations of Masonic ceremonies

7) "Foster physical contact among participants" even though this is required in the temple and hug bombs and violent handshakes abound at Church meetings

6) "Meet late into the evening or in the early-morning hours" even though students must go to 6:00 AM (or earlier) Seminary and Family Home Evening, Priesthood Sessions, Firesides and Visiting and Home Teaching meetings go late into the evenings

5) "Encourage open confession or disclosure of personal information normally discussed only in confidential settings" even though worthiness interviews and such involve disclosing personal information to an untrained stranger

4) "Increase self-awareness" even though the teach you where you came from, why you are here and where you are going etc..

3) "Raise self-esteem" even though they teach that each person is of "infinite worth" and that members of the One True Church are the chosen

2) "Encourage long-term commitments" even though the commitments made to the Church are eternal

1) "Intermingle worldly concepts with gospel principles" even though the worldly concept of paying money (tithing) is a condition of receiving blessings.

Top ten "little things" that make Mormonism stupid

03/09/2005 by knownot

Some things in this world are just plain stupid, and Mormonism is one of them.

1. Stupid slippers they make the public wear while touring a temple. Is 3M Carpet Protection considered an unclean thing in the House of The LORD?

2. The way the deacons all pause for a moment until the humble Bishop has taken the sacrament. NOBODY better sip their water 'til the Bishop has cocked his head ALL THE WAY back and returned to the staring-at-the-floor position. Yeah, that's stupid.

3. Speaking of the sacrament, it's a bag of Wonder Bread (NO WHEAT!) and some tap water in miniature bathroom cups. Just imagine the body and the blood "of thy Son". Stupid!

4. NO CLAPPING ALLOWED during sacrament meeting. Feel free to giggle or laugh out loud, but for no more than 7 seconds after the speaker tells a funny joke. But DO NOT CLAP after Timmy plays a piano solo! Clapping is irreverent! That's stupid!

5. Patriarchal blessings. As stupid as evangelical mass-healings, horoscopes, living by advice contained in fortune cookies, or creating a shrine designating the exact spot you saw the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk or mud puddle - or piece of toast. Stupid!

6. Olive oil containers TBMs (True Believing Mormons) attach to their key chain. Stupid for the same reason as number 5 above.

7. Framed pictures of Jesus impersonating 'Carrot Top' in need of a haircut, shave and a decent shirt. Why is 'The Savior' portrayed as a near-albino Icelander rather than a naturally darker Middle Easterner? Stupid!

8. The Word of Wisdom. Read it. It's stupid! Chuck-A-Rama can testify that beef gulping Mormons agree with me at least partially on this one. It also has the Folgers company scratching their heads about an organization that considers bean juice evil. Stupid!

9. Watching a "motion picture film" as part of your official journey to become an exalted being FOR ALL ETERNITY. But first, WATCH THIS MOVIE! Stupid!

10. Making sure every single last hair goes under the water during a baptism. Dunk that kid 10 times if you have to! As long as his pinky isn't poking out of the water. Oh that's MUCH more respectable than sprinkling some water on a persons head. Oh wait... No, it's just stupid.

The top ten reasons for performing LDS proxy temple ordinances for the dead

03/05/2005 by Tazzie

1) If you were dead, wouldn't you want to be a card-carrying Mormon?

2) Why not baptize someone who is no longer on this planet?

3) The dead should be given a chance to become gods and goddesses.

4) The Celestial Kingdom needs more polygamists and concubines.

5) Even the dead deserve to belong to the only true church.

6) Saving the dead is better than holding a séance.

7) You can eternally "seal" all your relatives who hated each other.

8) There are plenty of dead people, so you will always have plenty to do.

9) You can baptize all your favorite dead movie stars, even if they have been dunked before by proxies.

10) Think how exciting it will be to be able to hang out with billions of proxy Mormons after you die.

The top tens reasons for becoming a Mormon

02/06/2005 by Tazzie

10. Why pass up the opportunity to become a god?

9. If you are good, you will get your own planet in the afterlife.

8. Polygamy could make a comeback.

7. Regularly revised divine revelation is guaranteed at your ward house.

6. You will never have to decide what underwear to put on.

5. Jell-O is cheaper than wine.

4. You can have as many children as you can think up names for.

3. Why save money when you can give it to the LDS Church?

2. Your brain will get lots of rest.

1. You will be able to baptize Elvis Presley...again...

Top ten reasons for becoming a Catholic
Just to show Mormons they're not much different

02/06/2005 by Tazzie

10. Rome will always be there to tell you what to do, so you won't have to think very much.

9. God only talks directly to the Pope, so you won't have to worry about talking to God.

8. Your soul will be saved if you put your money on the collection plate.

7. You can confess your sins and not worry about bad karma.

6. You can forget your past lives.

5. You will no longer have to be concerned about scientific discoveries.

4. You will still be able to swear if you are Irish.

3. You will still be able to drink if you are Irish.

2. Church history can be so much fun, especially crusades and inquisitions.

1. You sleep well at night knowing your leader is infallible.

Gordon Hinckley's 2005 Top Ten New Year Resolutions

01/01/2005 by cricket

10. Now that Marjorie is gone, convince Sheri Dew to "come out" of the closet, go through a year of intense therapy with Evergreen and then marry me for time and all eternity.
9. Resolve one of the great mysteries of the gospel by finally capturing Sasquatch at a LDS Singles dance, give him a Patriarchal Blessing and declare his lineage.
8. Talk God into commanding millions of Seagulls to fly all the way out into the Utah West Dessert to the Environcare facility, eat all of the nuclear waste pellets and fly back to the Church Welfare Farm and puke up some great fertilizer.
7. Talk Billy Crystal into allowing Deseret Book to publish his miraculous conversion to Mormonism story, "A Mahvelous Work and Wonder." We will make millions!
6. Since I missed predicting the Indonesian Tsunami on Larry King Live, I'll predict the next massive earthquake along the Wasatch Front the next time Larry and I get together.
5. Convert my Conference Center into an indoor BYU football stadium so I don't have to freeze my ass off down in Provo ever again. Just because pioneer children froze to death, doesn't mean I have to.
4. After the Iraqi Tribunal executes Saddam Hussein, personally perform his temple ordinance work for him so Hitler will have a buddy up in the Big CK to hang out with.
3. Out-live Boyd K. Packer so he won't totally frick'n blow my cover and soil my legacy.
2. Practice "unrighteous dominion" and influence the Utah Board of Pardons into releasing Mark Hofmann on the condition that he will find and sell me some sorely needed "faith promoting" early Church History documents.
1. Keep the Church finances solvent by auctioning off the entire contents of the First Presidency's Vault including the Urim and Thummim, Laban's Sword, ancient Nephite coins and Joseph's peep stone on eBay.

Top Ten Toys for Toddler Saviors:

12/26/2004 - by Blash

10. For those three hour sacrament meetings with Mary and Joseph - Baby Jesus Quite Book consisting of a hollowed out Bible with a roll of Duct Tape inside.

9. Hasbro(R) Toy Sacrament Set. Little plastic cups, little plastic pieces of bread and little plastic trays so Baby Jesus can practice blessing and passing the sacrament in preparation for the time when he is old enough to receive the Aaronic Penishood. The small plastic pieces are carefully sized to be slightly larger than a toddler's windpipe, in hopes of avoiding an otherwise unseemly crucifixion.

8. Mattel's(R) Barbie Goes on a Mission Set. This version of the famous Barbie shows Barbie as overweight and homely looking -- unable to entice a single returned missionary named Ken to propose to her. Instead, Barbie Goes on a Mission. The game played for two years. The player whose Barbie converts the most clueless dupes wins.

7. Ronco's new and improved Nephi Action Figure. Baby Jesus can pull the ring in Nephi's back and hear him speak one of 8 different inspiring sayings, which are: 1) And it came to pass; 2) And it came to pass; 3) And it came to pass; 4) And it came to pass; 5) And it came to pass; 6) And it came to pass; 7) And it came to pass; 8) And it came to pass. Imagine the fun Baby Jesus will have trying to guess (by revelation from Casper) what Nephi will say next!

6. Parker Brothers' all new Gadianton Robbers Toy Pillage and Plunder Set. Baby Jesus can play several games, including Seven Plagues and Mountain Meadow Massacre. Baby Jesus will get some good practice visiting Godly wrath upon the heads of people who displease God -- in preparation for the time later on when Jesus gets promoted to Elojesus with his own worlds without number, unfortunately filled with ungrateful whelps that need regular punishment -- which brings us to the next toy.

5. Deseret Book's World Without Number Alphabet and Numeral Blocks Set. This is the usual set of alphabet and numeral blocks, except for a little trick you can play on the Baby Jesus. There is no number 8 block. There are A thru Z and the numerals 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9 and 10, but no 8 block. Hee hee! When the Scribes and Pharisees confront Jesus later on with a question, "If thou art the troo Messiah, show us your worlds without number." Then Jesus can cleverly set up his alphabet and numeral blocks for the Scribes and Pharisees and show them that this very world is indeed a world without number -- the missing number being 8.

4. John the Baptist(R) How to Tell Right From Wrong Ball. This is a variation on the famous "8 Ball" where you ask a question and then flip the ball upside-down to see which answer appears in the window. The Right From Wrong Ball works similarly. The Baby Jesus asks a question, such as, "Is it right or wrong to play with my Little Factory". Then Baby Jesus flips his Right From Wrong Ball over and sees the answer, "Hairy Palms, Blindness, and a Free Trip Straight to Hell". This will help the Baby Jesus hone his "how to tell right from wrong" skills so he will know which Church to join once he turns 8 years old.

3. Prophet Joseph Smith's(R) Golden Plates, Golden Plates, Who's Got the Golden Plates Game. Baby Jesus will while away hours and hours with this fun game. There are three wooden boxes. One is filled with granite rocks, one is filled basalt rocks, and the other is filled with sandstone rocks. The game is to guess which kind of rocks the Prophet Joseph had in his wooden box when the Three Witlesses claimed they saw and hefted the Golden Plates. This will be good practice later on when Eloheim and Jesus will appear to Joseph Smith nine times before he finally figures out which Gospel to restore and all that other stuff.

2. Simon Southerton's(R) ANCIENT AMERICA DNA CLUE game. Baby Jesus will enjoy playing this "whodunnit" thriller. The game features a toy DNA characterization lab. Jesus will have fun testing the DNA of his little friends, then testing their parents, and figuring out who really fucked whom and if his mother was really a virgin, etc. This will come in handy later on, when Jesus will say to the angry crowd about to stone an unlucky harlot, "He who is without DNA cast the first stone." Then Baby Jesus can test Lamanites when he appears to the "other sheep I have who are not of this fold; these also I must serve." Any Lamanites whose DNA shows they descended from Northeast Asians can be struck dead in order to save the Bladder Spray Stains of the 21st Century all that embarrassment of having fucking idiots at F.A.R.M.S. trying to make up a believable story about how the Book of Mormon is not a total pile of crap, etc.

1. The last toy in this list is a very special toy designed especially for the Baby Jesus. It's the Sally Struther's(R) Fake Flies in My Eyes Set. This is a great way to make a few extra Sheckles on weekends. All you have to do is stick on a half a dozen of these self-adhesive Fake Flies in My Eyes on your face so they look real. Then you twist your arms and legs up funny looking and sit in the gutter acting kind of spastic. People with extra Sheckles will walk by and thank God they don't have flies in their eyes, and they might even throw you a coin or two. If you drool from the mouth kind of like Ezra used to do, and make unintelligible sounds like "Aarrghh, Bleechhh, Gumpyfries, Mohonri Coriantumr, etc." you'll make even more money. For added effectiveness, you should consider the Clark Mfg(R) White Trashling Distendoflex Toddler Pot Belly Prosthesis. This is a realistic looking bloated belly made from genuine Latex(R) you can strap on to look just like Wayne and Lo-ox's trashling offspring camping out in an army tent in West Riverside. The malnutrition pot belly will engender even more pity and increase your donation revenue by at least 28%.

Top Ten Alternative Ways to Announce the Birth of the Baby Jesus

12/25/2004 - by Blash

10. Change all earthly sheep voices from Baa-Baa to Baa-Baby-Baa-Jesus-Baa-Baby-Baa-Jesus.

9. Inspire all 747 pilots emitting jet trails to skywrite "Eloheim and his 2,456,432,332 eternal companion wives are pleased to announce the Birth of His Only Begotten Son under the Star of the East in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania 32245. Gifts accepted. Prefer donation of 10% of your lifetime earnings. Shyster con-artist Troo Church Founders welcome."

8. Staple printed announcements to all telephone poles in the greater Bethlehem/Jerusalem metropolitan area.

7. Publish a classified ad in the Personals column of the Jerusalem Post-Intelligencer saying "Date: Christmas Day. Born: Baby Jesus. Occupation: Savior of the World. Seeking: World worth saving. Amen."

6. Step 1: Make copies of this Baby Jesus birth announcement after adding your name and address at the bottom of the list. Step 2: In the announcement, tell your five friends to copy and mail the announcement to another five friends, adding their name and address to the bottom of the list. Step 3: Mail the announcement to the five friends enclosing one dollar in each envelope. Step 4: Soon you will receive $45 million dollars in the mail. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN OR ELSE PLAGUES AND CALAMITIES WILL BEFALL YOUR AND YOUR POSTERITY FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

5. Send out CHRISTMAS SPAM emails proclaiming, "Hark! The Spamming Angels Sing, Glory to the Newborn www.lordandsavioroftheworld.com

4. Commission the Still Small Voice to turn up the volume into a Bellowing Huge Voice and get the word out about the Baby Jesus being born and stuff.

3. Add a lesson about the birth of the savior to the next edition of the Home Teachers Lesson Manual. Within 2 years, 13% of the membership will have been notified.

2. Change the name of Virgin Airlines to Virgin Birth.

1. Write the news on the wall inside the 3rd toilet stall in the Men's Restroom at the Bethlehem Stuckey's Truck Stop.

Top Ten Alternative Gifts of the Magi - The Three Wise Guys

12/25/2004 - by Blash

10. Microsoft Windows of Heaven 0000

9. Service Pack 1 for Windows 0000 (to fix the bug that the personal computer will not be invented for another 1990 years.)

8. Gold Bond(R) Medicated Straw Rash Salve -- Extra Strength

7. Playboy Calendar 0000 and a box of Papyrus Kleenex (Extra Soft) for Joseph -- who has been cursed with the expense of raising Jesus without having had the pleasure of "knowing" Jesus' mother in the Biblical sense.

6. Plastic Golden Plates for Baby Jesus to play with -- to see if He can unseal the third of the plates that he can't read.

5. Book of Mormon for use for ripping pages out to use as toilet paper for cleaning up all that "compassion" -- you know -- when the Baby Jesus' bowels "move with compassion".

4. Book entitled "Swaddling for Dummies" so the Baby Jesus can learn what he is supposed to do while wearing those swaddling clothes.

3. Bob Vila's newest book entitled "How to Build Your Own Backyard Manger" including tips for adding indoor plumbing and central air.

2. Swimmer's nose clip (so Jesus won't come up choking and gasping for air later on when he meets up with John the Baptist, or was it John the Methodist?).

1. Instruction Manual entitled: "Telling the Truth in a Manger" to give Jesus free agency and an alternative to "Lying in a Manger".

Top 10 New Department Chairs at BYU

12/23/2004 - by ResignedinMay

Mark E. Peterson chair at the School of African-American Studies

The Paul H. Dunn chair at the School of Creative Writing

The Fanny Alger chair at the school of Women's Studies

The Joseph Smith, Jr. chair at the School of Egyptology

The Grant Palmer chair in the School of American & Church History.

The Murphy/Southerton chair in the School of Biological Sciences.

The Steve Benson chair in the School of Religious Studies

The Boyd K Packer chair in School of Industrial & Factory Engineering

The Ethan Smith chair in the School of Hebrew and Ancient Studies

The Greg W. Dodge chair in the School of Cognitive Dissonance

Top Ten common traits of Enron and Mormonism

12/16/2004 - by cricket

10. Leadership swears to be "telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth" a lot lately

9. Massacred the fortunes and lives of many innocent people

8. Founder ended up in jail

7. Enron and Kirtland Bank stock certificates only value is found on eBay

6. Employ "fool proof" internal auditing methods

5. Main sales technique is "bait and switch"

4. Leadership egos inflated as much as balance sheets

3. Once upon a time "the field was white and ready to harvest"

2. Enron and Mormon both rhyme with Moron

1. A "Lay" was what it was all about in the first place

Tom Green, the redneck polygamist's top ten Colorado City country blues tunes

12/09/2004 - by Ervil Lebaron

1. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

2. I'm Still Missing You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

3. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away.

7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

8. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.

9. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

10. Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Have Woke Up With A Few.

Top ten uses for the Book of Mormon

12/03/2004 - by jennyfoo

10. It makes a great doorstop.

9. It makes a pretty good paperweight.

8. It's a good paper for wrapping presents for X-mas.

7. It's a good source of racist references.

6. It has absorbent sheets of paper: great for the occasional coffee spill.

5. It's good for getting rid of Jehovah's witnesses - try to give it to them as they try to give you the Watchtower.

4. It works great to scare a "naughty" pet: throw it across the room in their direction- makes a nice thud. *note*-try not to actually hit the pet.

3. It's good for evening out that wobble on your kitchen table: rip off desired amount and place under uneven leg.

2. It worked great to make "hills" under my batting in my Christmas village.

1. It is better than any prescription sleep aid I have ever tried. There's a reason there's a chapter called The Book of Ether.

Why I won't be going to the True Believing Mormon in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner this year

10/30/2004 - by NotNow

Due to last year's slip-ups:

10.Asked if the potato casserole was left over from Uncle Bill's funeral.

9.Brought a take out cup of Starbuck's coffee to go with my pumpkin pie.

8.Lauhed out loud when I heard the SIL had named their twins Heber and Hyrum.

7.Asked MIL if she was pregnant.

6.Left a print out copy from the internet titled "Remembering the Other Wives of Joseph Smith."

5.Informed the MIL that hot Tang was not a good substitute for coffee.

4. Told them I did not like Campbell cream of chicken soup used as dinner gravy.

3.Slipped up and called the BIL "Peter Priesthood".

2. Said that green Jell-O was not considered part of the vegetable food group.

And...# 1 reason...They didn't like the blessing I said on the dinner----Heavenly Father, Holy Ghost, fastest eater gets the most-Amen

Sheri Dew's "Desecrate Book" Top Ten Self Help Books

10/15/2004 - by cricket, et.al.

10. Why Good Things Happen to Bad People - by Elder Steve Benson

9. Why God is an Unfair Asshole (And What You Can't Do About It) - by Mark Hofmann

8. Prayer, Perpetual Motion and Eight Other Complete Wastes of Time - by Elder B. Z. Bee

7. If You Have the Faith of Grain of Mustard Seed -- You're Just a Mustard Seed -- What Fun Is That? - by Joseph Fieldiswhiteandreadytoharvest

6. And When Ye Shall Receive These Things -- I Would Extort You: The History of Tithing in the Latter-Days - by Bishop Rob M. Blind

5. Joseph Smith's First Tunnel Vision -- My Inspired Plan that Convinced Lots of Girls and Young Women to Let Me Have My Way With Them - by Elder L. Tom Green

4. The Stick of Judah and the Stick of Joseph - Male Enhancement for Melchizedek Priesthood Holders - Turning Toothpicks into Telephone Poles - by Elder E. Rick Shun

3. The Plan of Eternal Ejaculation: Prophylactics for the Prophets - by Sister Celestial Condom

2. The New Deseret Cookbook: Rice-Mo-Roni and other DEE-licious Family Home Evening dinner menus - by Sister Martha Stalwart Stewart

1. The Thinking Has Been Done: Self-Help Guide to Intellectual Self-Helplessness - by Boyd Packer

0. Intelligence Without Wisdom: Lowering Your Higher Power by Gordon B Hinckley

Top Ten Beliefs You Must Have to be a Mormon Loyalist*

05/22/2004 - by cricket

10. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but a multi-national religious corporation can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

9. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

8. Polygamous sex and racism are degenerate sins unless you someday become prophet of your own church.

7. A good way to fight tolerance is to belittle your local long-time ecumenical churches, then demand their cooperation and support of calling you the one and only true and living Church of Jesus Christ.

6. Providing health care and welfare to all Mormons is sound policy. Providing healthcare to all citizens is evil socialism.

5. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

4. The Church has a right to know about your personal finances, but the Church's financial records are none of your business.

3. You support states' rights, which means Gordon Hinckley can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

2. What Gordon Hinckley does currently is of vital international interest, but what Joseph Smith did in the 1840s is irrelevant.

1. Missionary work with Africa prior to 1978 is wrong because of "bad blood", but missionary work after 1978 in Africa is vital to a spirit of international good will and harmony.

* Adapted from an email I received "WHAT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN LOYALIST IN 2004" which listed 14 items.

Easter Top Ten Atonement Questions

04/17/2004 - by Blash

10. If the Redeemer of Israel died to pay the debit-in-heaven we all incur whenever we commit a sin, does that mean we get a credit-in-heaven whenever we commit a righteousness? (Silent Note Takers take note.)

9. If we get a credit for a righteousness, and if the amounts of sins and righteousnesses we commit are equal, doesn't that give us a zero balance, and also mean the Saviour was tacked up on the Jesus rack for nothing?

8. Correct me if I'm wrong: If the wages of sin is death, then is the wages of righteousness non-death, or in other words, immortality? Don't righteous people eventually die? Don't some loathsome, disgusting sinners live longer than some super righteous, saint-like folks?

7. If so, that means the wages of righteousness is also death. Right?

6. OK. Then, if the wages of sin and the wages righteousness are both death, then is there some other good reason to be righteous?

5. Being tacked up on the cross wasn't pleasant, to be sure, but some scholars tell us that the real suffering happened when Jesus took on all the sins of the world and bled from every pore while praying to his (temporarily estranged) Father in the Garden of Gethsemane. So if Jesus paid the price of all the sins of the world -- past, present and future -- doesn't that encourage irresponsible, ungrateful whelps to say "what the hell" and go out on a sinning spree -- because Jesus already paid the price of all sins everyone could possibly commit?

4. So isn't the atonement kind of like a super duper sinning credit card with no preset spending limit?

3. If Jesus paid the price of all of our sins, then why do we have to pay for our sins a second time - punished by being demoted to the Telestial kingdom, or to Outer Darkness -- where no home teachers can visit? Isn't collecting twice for the same debt the same as double billing -- or celestial accounting fraud? (Notice the record keepers are Silent Note Takers, not Silent Certified Public Accountants.)

2. If Jesus paid the price of our sins, and if we get to personally pay for them again by being punished, why does salvation cost us an additional 10% of our gross income? Isn't this triple billing -- or really blatant accounting fraud? Does the Attorney General know about this?

1. Why do millions of Christians celebrate Easter and the atonement, when nobody can rationally explain how the atonement makes any friggin' sense at all -- other than to guiltify millions of sinners into paying huge fortunes of money to their local atonement outlet distributors (or Utah corporations)?

Closing song: (strong emphasis on RED words!)

I know that my Re-deem-er lives!
What com-fort this sweet sen-tence gives.
He lives, He lives who once was dead.
Hee-ee lives, He's my Redeemer Fred.

Now for some fun, let's sing the same song to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat:

I know-know that my
My Re-deem-er lives!
What COM-fort this, what com-fort this
Sweet, sweet sen-tence gives.

I know-know that my
My Re-deem-er lives!
He LIVES, He lives who once was dead.
My Redeemer Fred.

This song is particularly good for helping young minds understand the true significance of the atonement.

For an Easter observance, that will do.

Top 10 reasons why people can't "hack" Mormonism

04/05/2004 - by kittywaymo who was born and bread as a Utah Mormon whose self-rightness knows no bounds

10. You actually enjoy waking up with self doubt, regret and a hangover- it keeps your bitterness "alive" besides, it gets a little old waking up every morning, happy, clearheaded and physically energetic from obeying that enslaving word of wisdom health code!

9. Its a bitch having to have responsibility for oneself, one's family and community, why should you care? its much more fun having self-pity and anger..

8. All those covenants! It's no fun making promises, you might have to live up to them.

7. It's so much easier to sit on the sidelines and snicker at those people trying to better their lives then actually DOING THAT for yourself!

6. All the freedom you now have: especially if you're one of the lucky 30 percent of those who leave the church and become atheist and agnostic! wow! internet porn, drinking till you puke, realty TV, the sky is the limit! this is REAL freedom.

5. Now you can spend your 10 percent on more prescription drugs for your depression and anxiety.

4. You can finally divorce your wife, or better yet have one or two affairs, who's going to care?

3. With all those restrictions and brainwashing gone, you can think for yourself by reading one-sided anti-Mormon hatemonger info and listening to other people tell you what is important now.

2. Lots of time to voice your restlessness, and discontent on various websites!

1. Because it demands a better human being from you than you are willing to work for!

Top Ten Changes The Church Could Make To Get Me Back

04/04/2004 - by Sara

10. Replace the standard works with The Nation

9. Gay = OK

8. Do piercings and tattoos in the temple

7. Teach kung fu in Sunday school

6. Ban anyone under the age of 12 from attending sacrament meeting

5. Encourage self-stimulation

4. Discourage mass-reproduction

3. Never precede words like "science" and "philosophy" with the term "so-called"

2. Give WOMEN some freakin' authority, stupid male-controlled cult

1. Replace those aging, conservative GAs with some fresh young minds...like mine.

There are a LOT more, but it's supposed to be a top ten list, not a top 100 list.

New Top Ten Commandments From The bishop Of My Singles Ward

03/01/2004 - by Jerry Joseph

1. Thou shalt view NO INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY!!! (Avoid this at all costs)

2. Thou shalt not date unworthy members (pray about those you are dating).

3. Thou shalt be cautious when dating as a couple AND set rules with each other.

4. Thou shalt have no privacy, as privacy is the enemy of virtue. Never be alone late at night. Set a curfew for yourself and remember that the strongest members are not always strong when they are tired.

5. Thou shalt never, never, go into the bedroom of someone of the opposite sex!

6. Thou shalt not have any long kissing! NO French kissing and NO back rubs! Avoid physical contact that has sexual overtones.

7. Thou shalt not lie down next to each other or on top of each other.

8. Thou shalt attend only wholesome activities. Don't go to R-rated movies and be careful about your selection of music.

9. Thou shalt not be the cause of someone else's loss of virtue.

10. Thou shalt not think you are the exception to the above commandments, as some of the strongest members of the *** *th Ward have had moral problems because they thought, "It can never happen to me."

Top 10 doctrinal questions that GA’s refuse to answer, because they are too busy flying first class, and because the church is growing waaaay too fast for them to keep up with all the mail...:

02/14/2004 - by Blabber

Top 10 doctrinal questions that GA’s refuse to answer, because they are too busy flying first class, and because the church is growing waaaay too fast for them to keep up with all the mail...

10 Is Steve Young gay?

9 Why is the garment-lint in my belly button always blue?

8 If oral sex doesn’t result in an orgasm, does it still count as oral sex?

7 In D&C 89, what is meant by a ‘mild barley drink’?

6 If the caffeine in coffee and tea are bad for you, why does BYU sell enough chocolate to equal the GDP of Venezuela for the combined fiscal years 1994--1997?

5 My wife and I keep our garments on during sex; I can get my willy out while wearing mine, but there’s no corresponding opening on my wife’s set until she’s worn them for about 5 years. Should I construe this as birth control?

4 I have filed for bankruptcy seven times this year. I paid tithing on the several loans that have now been written off. Can I get that money back and still get multiple wives after I die?

3 If a Nephite leaves the city of Zarahemla at 9:12 AM, and a Lamanite leaves Moron at 10:43, and they’re traveling towards each other on saddled tapirs, traveling at an average speed of .618 miles per hour, at what point does the church concede there’s no evidence for the Book of Mormon?

2 I have recently moved into a ward where the members refuse to end their sacrament meeting talks with “...in the name of THY SON Jesus Christ, amen.” May I please attend a more orthodox ward?

And the #1 question GA’s refuse to answer:

1 How much money do you guys make?

Top 10 list of ways to tell a True Believing Mormon is having doubts...

01/27/2004 - by NotNow

10. Waits until every pair of garments is ready to be laundered, so he can go without any for two hour while they are in the washing machine.

9. Reads the Exmo Recovery Board for those two hours.

8. Laughs out loud when he reads GHB referred to as the Hinkster.

7. Sees a picture of Joseph Smith, and thinks he has shifty, beady eyes.

6. Secretly loves the smell of coffee.

5. Wishes they hadn't named the twins: Heber and Hyrum.

4. Refers to the temple as...that creepy place.

3. Thinks relief society--aka. funeral potatoes--look like they have been eaten once before.

2. Looks at wife in the garments, and thinks she's wearing men's boxer shorts and a Tshirt. Wife looks at husband in the garments, and thinks--what a dork!

1. Has a dream that three heavenly bodies, whiter than the noon day sun, appear and say: Let's go have a cold one!

My Top 10 Facts and Reasons why "I KNOW" the LDS church is false...

12/01/2003 - by Greg in LA

10) Evolution of Mormonism--the doctrine, beliefs, and practices of the LDS Church have changed radically from JS to Hinckley. The original church bears little resemblance to the modern corporation that it has become. If it's the "one true church" then why did JS go to all that trouble, even to the point of dying for it, only to have it changed so dramatically? It doesn't add up.

9) Racism & Sexism--Africans banned from full church participation, Native Americans are "dark and loathsome", women can only be married to one man although men can marry many women and women used to covenant with their husbands to be obedient to them. This is not equal.

8) First Vision--So many versions of what happened that contradict each other in critical details (who was there, what happened, when it happened, etc.). It's obvious that JS embellished the story with time. The "official version" was written some 18 years after it was purported to have happened.

7) Mark Hoffmann--How do you explain Gordon Hinckley buying embarrassing, forged documents from Hoffmann if Gordon was indeed a prophet, or has some kind of special discernment? It's clear that he's just an ordinary man, not a "prophet, seer, and revelator" and that the LDS leadership knows that documents such as the ones that Hoffmann forged, actually do exist. If they didn't, wouldn't they have called Hoffmann a liar immediately?

6) Polygamy--JS lied to Emma and nearly everyone else that he was practicing polygamy or "spiritual wifery" as he called it, which in effect, enabled him to have sexual relations with numerous women, without the burden of having to support them as wives. JS was married to at least 26 women, some as young as 14 years old, and some that were already married to other men at the time.

5) Temple--Unmistakably and obviously plagiarized from Masonry. JS and BY became "Master Masons" less than 2 months before the LDS temple ceremony was revealed. Many of the early Mormons even called the temple "Spiritual Masonry." Most importantly, if the LDS temple is THE ONLY way into God's highest kingdom, why would it change so often and so significantly over the years?

4) BOM--Even the bible, whether you believe in it or not, at least has people, places, languages, and cultures that are verified by history. The BOM describes civilizations of a huge magnitude, which would've left irrefutable and PERMANENT evidence. If any such evidence existed, the LDS Church would absolutely use it. However, no incensement organization has ever verified anything found in the BOM.

3) DNA--Native Americans absolutely did not come from Hebrew origin. DNA evidence proves that Native Americans descended from Asia. (You don't have to be a genius here. Do you think Indians look more like Asians or more like Neil Diamond?)

2) Kinderhook & BOA--2 of the 3 "translations" that JS did are PROVEN to be completely inaccurate, bearing no relationship whatsoever to the contents. In the case of the Kinderhook plates, JS fell for a trick and translated "chicken scratch gibberish" etched onto 19th Century metal plates. Again, wouldn't a prophet know that he was falling for a trick?

1) Exclusivity to God & Heaven--This is the big one for me. If the LDS Church would promote and relegate itself as just another church and culture, admit its mistakes, undiefy its current and historic leaders as normal men, then I'd probably be game.

The Top 10 things you should never say when discussing the church with your TBM (True Believing Mormon) wife

12/01/2003 - by Joe

10) "That’s your answer? OK, do you know anyone who can answer this question who isn’t a complete retard?”

9) "The Mormon church is a cult."

8) "Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!" (While pointing at them after they bear their testimony.)

7) "Joseph Smith" used in the same sentence as "pedophile" "con-man" "womanizer" or "cult leader."

6) "The more you explain it, the stupider you sound."

5) "Can’t you see how brainwashed you are?"

4) "Why are you getting so emotional over this? Oh let me guess? What time of the month is it?"

3) "What’s the difference between the burning in the bosom brought on by the Holy Ghost bearing witness to the truthfulness of the gospel, and the feeling I get when you're sucking my dick?"

2)(If she looks like she's about to start crying) "Truth hurts, doesn’t it? What? Are you gonna cry for your mommy? Cry baby, cry! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" (While mocking her with a fake crying face)

And the number one thing to never say to a TBM wife when debating the church:

"And you actually believe this shit?"

Top-10 Mormon Illusions

12/01/2003 - by She God

Just because beliefs are irrational, doesn't mean they can't be compelling. Here's a list of my favorite illusions while Mormon:

1. Friends all around the world.

Being a Mormon gives you a comforting illusion that you can go anywhere in the world and have an instant social network. To some extent it's true, as long as you don't mind having shallow relationships based on common belief in myths.

2. Families are forever.

What's not to like about this illusion? Get married in the temple, live all the covenants, be with your family forever. Except of course, if any of your family members leave the Church, then they are screwed, and they won't be with you. It's worse for you than if you never heard of this concept.

3. Prophets walk the earth today.

Gosh, I wish this one were true. How reassuring it was to believe that God actually spoke to GBH in the same manner as he supposedly "spoke" to Moses. Now was there even a Moses????

4. Jesus cares about this continent.

Wow, if this one were really true, how cool would that be. Jesus visited America. That's a very nice illusion, along with the story about his actually being born to a Virgin.

5. America is a chosen land.

Patriotism and xenophobia seem justified when you believe that God saved America for the righteous, and has a special purpose for it. Otherwise, maybe America is just a spoiled, arrogant bully like many in the world believe.

6. People can accept the "Gospel" in heaven.

That really is comforting. People who lived in the Himalayas or jungles of Africa who never heard of Jesus Christ but somehow managed to live a decent life WILL get a chance in the afterlife to hear irrelevant information about Joseph Smith, and go through the temple.

7. Heaven has three levels.

Not just heaven and hell, but, similar to a multi-level marketing plan, there are different options to the heaven program, and each has its rewards. Shooting for Celestial Glory is like Going for the Gold, or winning a state championship. Terrestrial second place is OK, but still pretty much sucks.

8. Mormons are God's chosen special people.

It's always nice to have a false sense of superiority to lean on when times get rough, when it's difficult to cough up that extra $500 each month for tithing.

9. The Church will eventually take over the earth.

Never mind that Mormons represent 1/600th of the world's population. We ARE taking over.

10. Wearing my garmies will protect me from harm.

I'm still alive, so that must have been the case. I've really been rolling the dice the last three months, but so far no calamity has befallen me in my garment-less condition.

Top Ten Languages Spoken by General Authorities from the Pulpit in General Conference

11/29/2003 - by cricket

10. Adamic - the pure language spoken by Adam

9. Evish - the pure language spoken by Eve (only Relief Society speakers use this language

8. Gibberish - the pure language brought to the Promised Land by the Brother of Jib who was the Brother-in-law to the Brother of Jared.

7. Reformed Egyptian - recently brought to big screen theaters and "Urim and Thummums" world wide by Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner in their smashing sequel to the Pearl of Great Price titled "Romancing the Stone."

The third block buster in this thrilling theological trilogy produced by Hugh Nibley titled "Beguile the Nile" is soon to be released.

6. Waximus Eloquentius - the pure language of Neal A Maxwell whose tongue trippers reveal a severe case of spiritualitis evacuous.

5. Dogmatic Spasimosium - the pure language of Dallin H Oaks who issues irrelevant edicts as if he sits on the U.S. Supreme Court.

4. Erectus Flacidosis - the pure language Boyd K Packer whose constant fixation on matters geneitalius leave the congregation limp. However, Gladys Knight holds Packer in high respect as she tells her fans, "President Packer show is one impotent Apostle!"

3. Sign Language - the pure language of LDS Temple goers spoken in the "True Order of Prayer Circle" as they practice and rehearse the signs, token and penalties of the endowment. Visually this language is extremely horrifying to the hearing impaired.

2. Smidgin English - the pure language of Thomas S Monson who avoids doctrinal issues at all cost in favor of the warmius fuzzius.

1. Predicticus Zilchicus - the pure language of Gordon B Hinckley whose mantra "We know nothing" is repeated three times with heads bowed by the entire congregation. Yes, "That will do."

Top Ten Proofs that there really is a Mormon Mother in Heaven

11/15/2003 - by et. al.

10. She doesn't have any kind of recognizable identity. 9. Mormon men talk about how wonderful she is but never call upon her to speak. 8. You can't pray to her, but you can pray to her husband to thank him for her. 7. Her son always gets more attention and credit than she does. 6. Her whole life revolves around her children. 5. She's never worked outside Kolob. 4. She doesn't complain about it. (by anon) 3. She's always pregnant. (by then again) 2. She's pregnant and nursing. (by activejackmormon) 1. Natural disasters happen because "It's that time of the millennium." (by cricket)

Top Ten Reasons I Believe There Is a Santa Claus (edited)

11/15/2003 - by Deconstructor

10. My parents taught me Santa Claus was real and they wouldn't have lied to me.

9. I grew up believing in Santa and it has always worked for me, even though I have been mad at Santa for a few years when I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas.

8. The Christmas season is growing longer every year and there is no greater holiday on Earth than the one with Santa Claus. That many people can't be wrong.

7. Santa's miracles have been widely documented, including the miracle on 34th Street, which has been corroborated by several movie versions.

6. The positive energy of believing in Santa Claus is real and effective. When I hear someone say that there is no Santa, I feel a negative vibe. Christmas without Santa has only fleeting, momentary value. On the contrary, when I hear a Santa story, I get a good feeling inside.

5. One year when I was a kid I sat on Santa's lap at the Mall and pulled on his beard and it was real. I asked him for a train set and that's what I got for Christmas. Things happen at Christmastime that seem to be a direct result of Santa's intervention.

4. The complexity and enormity of Santa Claus is beyond what anyone could have made up. The story is too bizarre and has too many historical coincidences to just be make-believe.

3. Both intelligent adults and pure-hearted children die believing in Santa Claus and people have been believing in Santa Claus for centuries, so how could it be just a myth?

2. There are presents under the tree on Christmas morning, just like Santa promised. We may not receive from him exactly what we wanted, but presents do appear under the tree on Christmas morning just like he said they would.

1. Christmas is illogical without Santa Claus and if I didn't believe in Santa, there would be nothing keeping me from living a life of total debauchery.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Top Ten doctrinal/scriptural revisions that have been enacted or are pending that best exemplify latter-day Guidance of the re-Restored Gospel for the 21st Century

10/31/2003 - by Daves Id Led-her,man

10)As God is, Men isn't (not yet, anyway).

9)Repeated references by gentiles to Plural Wifery are simply pathetic attempts at "harem-scarem".

8)DNA research is fatally skewed due to an un-scientific lack of Faith

7)Positive conclusions from BOM archeology/geography have been impeded by the unavailability of proven ancient technology (i.e.. Urim un Thumb'em, Liahona, etc.)

6)"PURE and delightsome" now connotes no Political Incorrectness.

5)Obsolescence of Blood Oaths which has come about due to increasing occurrence of clandestine finger-crossing by Temple Patrons.

4)Word of Wisdom indulgences necessitated by fluctuating Church acquisition of financial investments.

3)Emphasis upon Christ-like aspects of Mormonism due to Jesus' increasing immaturity and micro-management tendencies during Board meetings with G.A.'s at SLC Temple executive headquarters.

2)Conveyance of full Priesthood eligibility upon women and fairies awaiting more conclusive Genetic Pre-disposition research results, and....

No.1) The impending removal of sanctions against abortion resulting from Gordo's recurring and obsessive viewings of the movie "Rosemary's Baby".

Top 10 Mormon Hallowe'en Costumes for 2003

10/31/2003 - by TVlampboy

10.Go as Shiz the Decapitated, Tell all your Gentile friends that you're the Headless Horseman.

9. Dress up in naught save your temple garmies and tell everyone that you've just learned some cool secret hand shakes. Offer to teach them, too.

8. Dress up as Gordon Hinckley. Prophesy without actually prophesying anything. Rant about male body piercings.

7. Doll yourself up like one of the Three Nephites. Go around asking everyone if they've seen your mates.

6. Get a stern looking white beard, then surround yourself with 20 or 30 females of all ages. Boom! You're Frig 'Em Young.

5. Paint your body in gold spray paint and dress as Moroni. Wander around with a trumpet up your ass and mumble to strangers about losing your golden plates.

4. Get an Indian outfit and then ask your bishop if you have his permission to go slay some gentiles at Mountain Meadows. When he excommunicates you, put a tomahawk through his skull.

3. Dress up like the president of the RLDS and go to your ward's Harvest Festival.

2. Go to a party naked carrying nothing but a gold bowling ball. Tell everyone that you have found the Liahona at last -- and that it was up your ass all that time.


1. Dress up like a Jehovah's Witness, knock on your grandmother's door, and tell her you've converted.

Top 10 reasons why the military occupation of Iraq is like the Mormon Church

10/12/2003 - by Blabber

10. Both are movements supported by exactly 0.0000001% of the population of the planet.

9. In both, what you committed to when joining the cause turns out to be, well, NOT the whole story, and is mostly made up.

8.It's completely obvious we're right, so why aren't more people joining?

7. Past policies and doctrines are irrelevant; forget about them because what matters now are current interests.

6. ...Don't ask, don't tell!

5. Speaking out against those above you in the hierarchy gets you in trouble.

4. Cantankerous egomaniacs (some of whom are related to past leaders!) are in charge.

3. The "climate" is stifling. And so is the heat of the desert...

2. My (sergeant and True Believing Mormon) wife is in Iraq and the Mormon church, and I can't get her back from either.

1. It's a hell of a lot easier to get into it than out of it.

Top Ten Names REJECTED for the new Book of Mormon movie

08/24/2003- by tanstaafl

10. Lehi of Arabia
9. Bring Me The Head of Laban Garcia
8. Dances With Cureloms
7. Nephi & Butthead Do America
6. The Good, The Cursed-by-God-Darkies, and the Ugly
5. Fight Incapacitated Drunks Club
4. The Curelom Hunter
3. The Brother of Jared From Another Planet
2. To Kill a Cumom
1. Women on the Verge of Being Mentioned

Top 10 reasons why Star Wars is better than Mormonism

08/10/2003- by Dr. Shades

10. You don't have to spend 3 hours a week watching Star Wars if you don't want to.

9. Star Wars is a hell of a lot more fun to watch than General Conference.

8. If someone decides they no longer want to watch Star Wars, you don't have to "fellowship" them.

7. Princess Leia is much better looking than Chieko Okazaki.

6. Blacks can watch Star Wars.

5. Young men aren't commanded to spend two years trying to convince people to watch Star Wars.

4. At Christmas, your kids would much rather get the Darth Vader action figure than the Captain Moroni action figure (yes, they are sold at Deseret Book!).

3. The music you hear in Star Wars is much better than any music you'll ever hear in church.

2. Every time a new Star Wars movie comes out, the fans don't have to deny that there was a previous one.

1. You don't have to spend years and years trying to "earn" or "work for" a true conversion to Star Wars. It just happens the first time you see it.

Top 13 reasons Joseph Smith was

07/25/2003- by Captain Entenille

The church always avoids the real history of Joseph Smith's assassination by teaching that he was killed because people didn't like his religious beliefs. The reality is that few people in the mob knew the Mormon beliefs and most could care less. Here are some of the contributing factors -- a far cry from the sanitized version the church promotes:

1. JS could have a revelation and deliver mass votes with the snap of his fingers. This power gained Smith a lot of political friends. It also created lots of enemies.

2. He organized a militia of almost 3,000 troops, the Nauvoo Legion. By comparison, the U.S. Army only had 8,500 soldiers at that time. Having a military force this large frightened the surrounding people.

3. Owning the court system protected the Mormons from the Gentiles. If a Mormon was charged with a crime, he often ran to the city court, got the case dismissed, then was free from double jeopardy.

4. There was some counterfeiting going on. In the area, it was called "Nauvoo bogus." No one could ever be charged. Bitter merchants and neighbors often got stuck.

5. There were rumors of the polygamy practices of the church leaders, although it was still publicly denied at this time. This was a minor factor however, since few knew about it.

6. Tales of the vigilante activities of the Danites terrorized non-Mormons of the area. Night riders burning barns of church enemies was not good PR, even though some of these activities may have been falsely blamed on the Mormons.

7. Smith's old enemy, Gov. Boggs of Missouri, was wounded and left for dead in a failed assassination attempt. Everyone knew it was Porter Rockwell, Smith's loyal bodyguard, acting on his orders.

8. Joseph Smith had taken advantage of the new federal bankruptcy law by placing over $100,000 of assets in Emma and the children's names, then declaring bankruptcy. This left his creditors high and dry, including the lienholdersof a steamboat JS had bought on credit and destroyed accidentally.

9. Smith had himself appointed trustee-in-trust for the church. This meant that in order to buy real estate in the Nauvoo area, one had to go through him. Many converts would plunk down their life savings for a few acres, then become disillusioned with the church. Smith and cohorts would "freeze them out", allowing no members to buy their properties, or either offer a token pittance to those who dared to leave the Mormon city. Several of the mob members were ex-Mormons who felt cheated out of their life savings.

10. Smith declared himself a candidate for the U.S. Presidency. Not that he had a chance of winning, but he could act as a third party "spoiler". Non-Mormons in the area could see right through this ploy, and could picture their votes being nullified.

11. A month before his death, JS made a famous speech, reported by the area newspapers, wherein he declared "he had more to boast about than Jesus Christ." The area's reaction was, "what a pompous, blasphemous jerk this Mormon leader is"!

12. The final straw, the ordering of the destruction of the Expositor for exposing the true Joseph Smith to the world, was merely the spark his enemies needed -- violating the freedom of the press.

13. In declaring martial law to resist state troops enforcing his arrest, this constituted treason and in many eyes was an attempt to place himself above the law.

For references, all of the above items can be found in the History of the Church, the diaries of the Apostles, Quinn's "Mormon Hierarchy, Origins of Power", and in a more sanitized version, Dallin Oaks' book, "Carthage Conspiracy."

Nothing here should be construed as justification for the murder. Mob violence is a terrible thing and should never be condoned. This is merely to show that the church's omission of the historical facts behind the act serves as a ruse to create a sense of martyrdom and deceitfully misleads the members.

Top Ten Mormon Weapons of Mass Destruction Heading for Baghdad

03/30/2003 - cricket

10. Ten tons of out dated copies of the Book of Mormon containing the phrase "Lamanites are the principal ancestors of the American Indians" will be air-dropped on Sadam Hussein's royal compound in hope of burying him alive in biblio-terrorism.

9. Ten thousand gallons of consecrated olive oil will be crop dusted upon the elite red army troops causing them to slip-slid away down the road to hell.

8. Orrin Porter Rockwell, a translated being will ride into Baghdad atop a camel with six shooter a blazing unless accidentally killed by a friendly fire smart bomb.

7. All 60 thousand Mormon missionaries diverted to service in Baghdad. Every Iraqi man woman and child flees Baghdad for their spiritual lives.

6. Jaredite barges sail up the Euphrates and Tigris rivers, unseal and then dump their rancid year old "tight like unto a dish" human and animal by-products in downtown Baghdad. The stench clears the city immediately.

5. Larry King interviews Sadam Hussein and Gordon Hinckley. Sadam cowers in fear at the prophet's feet when threatened with Mormon endowment temple penalties. The war is immediately over as the royal compound is converted into Temple Square II.

4. Saturday's Warrior is revived as a Persian musical with the cast being disguised as "special forces units."

3. "God's Army" the feature film becomes the boot camp training movie for Coalition forces shipping off to Iraq. Richard Dutcher and Wilford Brimley become commanders in chief of the Hollywood Danite reservists.

2. All Mormons from Utah donate their ancient stale two- years supply which is air-dropped on Iraqi forces thus equalizing the toxic effect of their chemical weapons.

1. Brigham Young and John D Lee are resurrected to once again seek holy war vengeance as "The Mohammed Meadow Massacre." Paul H Dunn tags along for faith promoting stories to embellish at the next General Conference while raising his arms high above his head and repeating three times, "Jihad, hear the words of my mouth."

Top 10 main reasons I'm not a Mormon

03/18/2003 - Nicky

1. I ADORE beer and Sometimes NEED Mocha.

2. Too much responsibility can SUCK – image the responsibility of being GOD!

3. I’ve been to Missouri and it is no Eden.

4. Kolob? Okay now that is just weird.

5. “Eat meat sparingly”- I don’t think so… BARBEQUE!… ‘nuff said!

6. I DO love my wife but married forever?!

7. Multiple wives? What if they fought? Bad. What if they got along? Worse!!

8. An Eternal Family? You obviously don’t know my relatives… YIKES! Hell!!

9. My “burning bosom” was diagnosed as acid reflux.

10. G.B. Hinckley? If I wanted to follow a dirty old man, I’d choose Hugh Hefner!

Top Ten Reasons Why Being An Ex-Mormon Makes Me So Damn Happy In Life

03/03/2003 - By Bill at http://www.salamandersociety.com/toptens/www.geocities.com/exmormon2000

10. Instead of wasting 10% of my income that is put to building highly expensive buildings where imaginary dead people are dunked in H20 and everyone gets together and chants giving secret handshakes, I give my money to those who really need it like to a charity. Helping others in need instead of playing make believe makes me happy.

9. I now have a two-day weekend! Sunday is not forfeited because the activity costs money or requires exercise.

8. I no longer feel like I'm better than everyone else when I walk into a room and I no long have cultic polarized thinking "us Mormons vs. the World." I feel more at one with humanity, interconnected, non-judgmental, accepting, tolerant, and free!

7. I think like a grown up and I never could get myself to engage in childish dependency void of individualism looking with star-struck eyes to the commands of an 80 year old man in Utah whom I've never met before; who I'm suppose to have tell me what to think and do in life. I "think free" reading any kind of book I want especially the ones they tell you not to read and form my own philosophies based on research and reason. I have the joy of thinking for myself.

6. I can look forward to a having normal wedding without wearing a ridiculous hat and green apron in front of my wife-to-be trying not to laugh because you both look like a "baker" for Halloween. I can actually look normal and all of our non-Mormon friends and family can participate in the wedding instead of rejecting them. Families can bring joy so why segregate them?

5. I no longer have to keep shoving my doubts from the evidence against the church in the back of my head but can embrace the evidence, the truth, and reality without fear. I can free my mind!

4. I can now actually be myself and not feel like a Mormon might be near by asking to make sure I'm behaving as a proper Mormon i.e. "are you wearing your garments brother?"

3. I can have a cup of coffee, a glass of tea, or a beer in moderation (1 Tim. 5:23) if I want to without fear God will destroy me since "wine maketh glad the hear of man" (Psalm 104:15; Eccl. 10:19) and the Lord God even commanded one group to drink wine (Jeremiah 35:1-2) in the Bible. I have the freedom to drink responsibly.

2. I am free of the herd mentality at church, where critical thinking is socially forbidden, as you are to go and graze with the herd. I am like a prisoner set free.

1. And the #1 reason I'm so happy out of Mormonism is that I'm no longer a brain washed secret-garment wearing True Believing Mormon. Free of those superstitious long johns from the 19th century I can be normal and wear black or blue boxers if I want and not be embarrassed to get dressed in the gym in fear of others seeing the Masonic markings stitched on my chest. I don't have to be afraid of going to Terrestrial hell because someone accidentally saw my Holy Undies. I avoid sweating like an idiot from wearing the superstitious magic underwear in the summer as now I only wear one T-shirt in the summer like a normal person.

Top reasons why Mormonism would be better with marijuana.

01/15/2003 - from blabber

11 A sudden resurgence of speaking in tongues would make for entertaining sacrament meetings.

10 Wonder bread could be replaced by “scooby snacks” as sacrament bread.

9 Temple "signs and tokens" could be replaced by "signs and tokes".

8 Mormonism makes you sick to your stomach; pot would stimulate a healthy appetite again.

7 You wouldn't have to worry about convincing others that you’ve had visions and heard voices.

6 Temple attendees would have a great excuse for forgetting their new name, their proxy name, and the long lecture at the veil.

5 Baptisms would increase in Northern California, the Caribbean, and in Amsterdam.

4(20) Joseph Smith's Book of Abraham translation would make a lot more sense.

3 The Urim and Thummim would start to work again.

2 Instead of "I know this church is true" over and over again on fast Sundays, people would instead say, "This church is GOOD SHIT, man!"

...and the number one reason why Mormonism would be better with marijuana.

1 People would actually look forward to eating special green jell-o.

Top Ten Reason You Should Go on a Mission

11/24/2002 - from spinner

10. Spencer Kimball and Gordon Hinckley have both said you should, and how can you turn down two men who look so much like Yoda?

9. Returned missionary status will speed up your trip to first and maybe second base with naive Mormon girls who think you must be some pure hearted young man diligently searching for an eternal companion.

8. If your parents are forcing you to go to BYU, serving a mission first is the only way will feel like you have a lot of freedom there.

7. You can sing that musical masterpiece "Called to Serve" about 15 times a week.

6. If you don't go, your girlfriend won't marry you. (Extra bonus: she promises to wait. Really! Cross her heart.)

5. You will grow to love the culture of the people you serve as you destroy it.

4. You will doubtless have numerous career advantages because you know how to say "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet" in Portuguese.

3. Having a companion lets you experience all the frustrations of marriage while forgoing the pleasure of consortium.

2. You can collect exotic life forms in your small intestine.

1. Why not go? Come on, it's not as if you're going to get laid in the next couple of years anyway.

Top Ten Reasons Latter-day Saints Aren't Christians

11/08/2002 - from Coalition for People Recovering from a Life Without Free Thoughts

10. God must first seek permission from Baptists on how to set up his kingdom in the last days.

9. Everyone knows 19 year old males couldn't have had real faith converting experiences with God on their own.

8. When Latter-Day Saints sit down with their families and read the New Testament and admonish their children to follow the Savior and the smallest child comments that she loves Jesus - it's all "brainwashing" (*actual experience).

7. They don't follow the historical Christian model passed down to us by Roman Warlords and Emperors.

6. King James possessed all the written words of God ever given to man.

5. General Authorities made wealthy from successful business careers like Supreme Court Judges and Heart Surgeons all got together and made a plan about how they can dedicate the last days of their elderly lives to conspire and lie to millions of adherents just so they can live rent free while they are forced to travel the earth to attend meetings instead of enjoying normal retirement.

4. The Book of Mormon doesn't have historical evidence to equal the historical evidence of Mary being a Virgin or Jesus being resurrected like the Bible does (after all, the purpose of scripture is history!).

3. No leader of a Christian denomination has ever said done or said anything questionable or shown any sign of human weakness (and if they did it would mean their whole religion was of the devil!)

2. Latter-Day Saints don't spend enough time and energy developing web sites devoted to making fun of, mocking, and ridiculing beliefs others hold sacred (sometimes called "ministry").

1. No crucifixes.


11/07/2002 - from Concerned Latter-Day Saints who are Concerned About Concerned Christians

Editor's Note: Spelling errors are not corrected. We only wish that this email is just a joke or parody, but it appears to be serious.

10. Anxiety over inability to live standards of Church causes one to start drinking.

9. Too many people makes one feel crowded. Prefer a less attended denomination with more elbow room.

8. Spending time attacking Latter-Day Saints is more fun then feeding the hungry and visiting the widows.

7. If God wants to call a prophet today like He has done since the beginning of time, He would have told us so.

6. Jesus would never ask disciples to sacrifice so much as 10% of their income.

5. Joseph Smith was just too likeable and popular. Real prophets were persecuted and killed.

4. The source of truth is disgruntled excommunicated anti-Mormons, not God.

3. No tambourines allowed in Sunday service.

2. Have ability to judge from my omniscient perspective that Jesus will reject the faith LDS members have in Him.

1. Love thy neighbor - yeah right.

Top Ten Reasons People Join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (And Can't Leave It)

11/07/2002 - by blabber

10. Anxiety over one’s distaste for alcohol and coffee.

9. Many people make one feel special. Prefer a denomination with basketball courts inside.

8. Spending time with Latter-Day Saints is more fun then feeding the hungry and visiting the widows.

7. Two teenagers that knocked on your door told you that god exists and calls prophets. You fell for it.

6. You were told about tithing after you agreed to be baptized. Your natural human tendency for behavioral consistency earns the church 10%.

5. What you know about Joseph Smith is only what the church tells you. The fact that he was likeable and popular, as well as persecuted and killed, is somehow evidence that he was a prophet.

4. Disgruntled excommunicated anti-Mormons are miserable, unhappy, depraved, senseless, illogical, deceived, deceptive, and will spend eternity wishing for what you will get. You don’t want to be like them, do you?

3. The music in Sunday services is slow, mind-numbing, and makes you more suggestible to the influence of authority and constantly-repeated reminders that you are right.

2. You have blind faith in the ability of church leaders to judge from their omniscient perspective that Jesus accepts only temple-Mormons to the highest level of heaven.

1. Love only thy fellow Mormons. Stay in the club and you’ll get the return favor.

Top ten (actually 39) reasons for not going to church

11/03/2002 - Rae

39. Last time I went to church in swimming trunks/teddy and flip-flops the bishop looked at me funny

38. The Sunday school teacher doesn't answer my questions on blood atonement

37. If I want to become dominated by mind-control and be reduced to a mindless zombie, I'll just watch FOX TV

36. The CK is waaaay overrated. I'm more of a telestial kind of person (can't wait to get rid of the wife/hubby and kids)

35. They don't let you just go up to the mike and do your version of a Timothy Leary stand-up routine (trust me on this one)

34. No chicks in tight French maid costumes serving drinks

33. Jesus' disciples went fishing. Why shouldn't I?

32. I promise I'll go as soon as they publish the GA's salaries on the Ensign

31. (acting drunk) What isss a choiirch?

30. I don't want to use up gas and rubber from my tires except for something essential, like getting some beers at the 7-11.

29. If I don't go to church, I have TWO Saturdays each week

28. Sunday sex can last hours.

27. Can stay up late on Saturday watching porn.

26. Too busy indexing my string collection.

25. My Gilles de la Tourette syndrome.

24. I can't be at the beach and in church at the same time.

23. White bread gives me the hives.

22. Studies prove that "burning in the bosom" creates a high risk of breast cancer and heart disease.

21. People who drink a lot of Coca Cola get on my nerves.

20. Screaming babies make me homicidal.

19. My shoelaces need ironing.

18. I hate driving back from Las Vegas late at night to make it to church in the morning.

17. My hemorrhoids keep me from sitting for long periods of time.

16. The other church I go to would be really mad if I started going to the mormon church.

15. My chakras are finally aligned...attending church would ruin that.

14. Sunday's are for football, dammit!

13. I'm allergic to industrial-grade carpeting. (Many of the members, including me complained of horrible headaches after the new carpeting was put in and that awful stuff glued to the walls. There were instructions on how to burn the fumes all out, but they refused to do it!! - SuzieQ#1)

12. I believe in the literal translation of the bible, and that the lord's supper should be used with wine and unleavened bread.

11. My homemade shrine to the virgin Mary works just fine, thankyouverymuch!

10. Sunday is the day I set aside for rearranging my sock drawer.

9. I got lost on the way.

8. My garments chafe me when I try to wear a bra over them.

7. I'm too busy starting my own cult.

6. Because I can't bring my "to go" coffee mug to Sacrament Meeting.

5. I have to cut my toenails before they get any longer.

4. My family is more important.

3. I prefer spending time with real friends, not assigned ones.

2. I prefer spending my time with people who love me, rather than people who pretend to.

1. Sorry, I have to dip my cats on Sundays

Top Ten Temple Ceremonies You Never Hear About

02/25/2002 - anonymous proxy person

10. Circumcision for the dead. Worthy males allow themselves to be clipped for those who have gone on without having the opportunity to give up that 10 percent of themselves. Or that pound of flesh, which ever is greater.

9. Lying for the dead. Some "passed" members never got to tell some giant whoppers like the early church leaders did so now they get the chance. Proxy elders get to come up with huge lies that other proxy members pretend to believe in for the dead. The sky is the limit here.

8. Home teaching for the dead. Imagine someone never having been home taught! Proxy high priests teach proxy members gospel "trooths" that put even the dead to sleep.

7. Finding gold plates for the dead. This ceremony is a real gem. A truck load of dirt is dumped into the celestial room and some gold plates are not buried in it. A proxy fake angel doesn't visit the proxy boy jerking off in his bedroom but the proxy boy makes up some whacked out story about some gold plates. Proxy family members believe him! Other proxy idiots believe him too! Wow!

6. Attending BYU for the dead. A proxy student attends proxy classes on a proxy campus with proxy religion classes taught by proxy professors while pretending to be in proxy reality.

5. Onanism for the dead. No. Wait. You're not supposed to know about that one.

4. Patriarchal Blessings for the dead. A proxy patriarch pretends to bless a proxy blessed one with perfect hindsight, thus making all of the proxy fantasy real life events come "troo."

3. Raising children "as numerous as the sands of the sea" for the dead. A proxy pair of a male and females pretend to, "Love and appreciate each and every one", of the numberless proxy children at which point a proxy Mr. Rogers magically appears in the proxy neighborhood and escorts all of the children to the proxy Primary opening exercises.

2. Lying to the bishop for the dead. A proxy member gets to be asked almost any question regarding their worthiness by the proxy bishop and the proxy member gets to answer every question correctly. They both have a proxy good laugh and go home to engage in every sin available to them.

1. Being Gordon Hinckley for the dead. So few ever get to be General Authorities so now even the dead get the chance. A proxy member gets to have his chin removed and have his brain injected with the fatal "Thinking's Been Done" virus. Other proxy members then get to be asked serious gospel and theological questions at which point they look to the proxy Gordon and say. "Ask that chinless, spineless charlatan, we can't think one goddammed thought for ourselves".

Top Ten Reasons for a Female to seduce an Elder

10/24/2002 - anon

10) To see how many future eternal companions he can meet on his mission.
9) They can't have sexual encounters, so this will result in severe blue balls.
8) Elder's lie, and so can the female.
7) Mormons like mind games.
6) Bake them really really good food, so they come back for more.
5) When they come back don't wear any clothes.
4) See if you can "brainwash" them with your natural charm.
3) To try to get them to convert to non Mormonism.
2) Pretend like your interested in their organization, but you really just want sex.
1) To have sex with a hot guy.

Top 10 Faith Busters For True Believing Mormons

07/17/2002 - by Poker Face of the Recovery Bulletin Board

This top ten is supposed to be a list of top ten things that will shake a Mormon's faith if they actually investigated it, even if they only read approved church sources on the material.

10. The Mark Hoffman forgeries.
"Is my prophet REALLY directed and inspired by god? Didn't someone tell me once that he actually speaks to god directly?"

9. The Kinderhook plates.
"Was Joseph Smith serious? This whole thing seems kind of crazy. Maybe I should investigate further..."

8. Lack of any evidence for many plants, animals and technologies from the Book of Mormon.
"Shouldn't there at least be some evidence of these things? Why aren't they there? I guess god hid them all to test our faith... why does that answer make me even more nervous? I've read some active mormon scholars who seem to think the BoM might be fiction!?! Maybe I should investigate further..."

7. The Journal of Discourses.
"This is some crazy sh*t! Was Brigham Young really a prophet of god? If so, why is the church so different today from what he directed it to be? Does that mean the church is in apostasy? Or that it was never true? Or something else? Maybe I should investigate further..."

6. Lack of DNA evidence for Semitic genes in any new world peoples.
"If the Laminates are all descended from Jews, and the native Americans are all descended from Laminates (as the prophets have taught) then what is going on? Maybe I should investigate further..."

5. The early church history, including biographies of the prophets.
"Am I in the same church I'm reading about? If the early church was the true restored church, why does the current version have so many profound differences? Is the church in apostasy or was it never true to begin with? Maybe I should investigate further..."

4. The Book of Abraham translation.
"What the hell!?! The best answer I have found is that the actual papyri have not been found yet. Is my faith weak? Because that explanation seems pretty weak to me. Maybe I should investigate further..."

3. The similarities between the endowment ceremony and Masonic rituals, and the timeline between Joseph Smith joining the masons and introducing the endowment.
"Holy Freakin' Plagiarism, Batman! Can this be true? Can my brain resolve this in any way that leaves me holding faith in the church? Maybe I should investigate further..."

2. The Church's doctrines, teachings and principles are eternal and the prophets have taught this over and over.
"ummmm.... except when the prophet says they must change? This makes me uncomfortable... this makes me confused.... Was got once a man or not, Mr. Hinckley? What about the journal of discourses, blood atonement, celestial marriage, Adam-god, death-vows in the temple? Was it all bunk? Maybe I should investigate further..."

1. Epistemology.
"Can the truth of something really be determined by "good feelings" after meditating about it? Why would god make it so hard for smart people to believe in his church? What does he have against smart people? Maybe I should investigate further..."

Top 10 reasons the church IS true.

03/23/2002 - dds

10. There is NO way JS could have written the book of mormon because he like, never went to school or nuthin.

9. James E. Talmage wrote really cool, heavily footnoted books that say Mormonism is true.

8. My dad is the smartest guy I know, and he would have figured it out by now if it wasn't true.

7. Because the Church has prophets, and a church HAS to have prophets to be true.

6. The church baptizes for the dead because there is no way God can be fair unless everyone has a chance to be baptized.

5. The bible says "by your fruits ye shall know them." The book of mormon is THE FRUIT! DUH!

4. It is totally the most persecuted church in the world

3. That whole crock of shit about the stick of Judah and the stick of Joseph.

2. Because Joseph Smith predicted the civil war.

1. Because GOD loves all of his children, but really just Mormons, but not Mormons that know 'the truth' and then walk away from it... those people have to go to SUPER HELL! mwah ha ha ha ha ha

Top 10 anagrams of "President Brigham Young" (PG-13)

02/22/2002 - Anathoth

10. "Upon gathering my brides..."
9. Gushy impregnator in bed
8. Big underage nymph riots
7. Rabid spurting hegemony
6. Reprobate's guiding hymn
5. Geyser-groin hump-bandit
4. Bride-mongering Utah spy
3. Mighty persuading boner!
2. Urging bad pioneer myths

Top Ten Temple Ceremonies You Never Hear About

02/16/2002 - anonymous proxy person

10. Circumcision for the dead. Worthy males allow themselves to be clipped for those who have gone on without having the opportunity to give up that 10 percent of themselves. Or that pound of flesh, which ever is greater.

9. Lying for the dead. Some "passed" members never got to tell some giant whoppers like the early church leaders did so now they get the chance. Proxy elders get to come up with huge lies that other proxy members pretend to believe in for the dead. The sky is the limit here.

8. Home teaching for the dead. Imagine someone never having been home taught! Proxy high priests teach proxy members gospel "trooths" that put even the dead to sleep.

7. Finding gold plates for the dead. This ceremony is a real gem. A truck load of dirt is dumped into the celestial room and some gold plates are not buried in it. A proxy fake angel doesn't visit the proxy boy jerking off in his bedroom but the proxy boy makes up some whacked out story about some gold plates. Proxy family members believe him! Other proxy idiots believe him too! Wow!

6. Attending BYU for the dead. A proxy student attends proxy classes on a proxy campus with proxy religion classes taught by proxy professors while pretending to be in proxy reality.

5. Onanism for the dead. No. Wait. You're not supposed to know about that one.

4. Patriarchal Blessings for the dead. A proxy patriarch pretends to bless a proxy blessed one with perfect hindsight, thus making all of the proxy fantasy real life events come "troo."

3. Raising children "as numerous as the sands of the sea" for the dead. A proxy pair of a male and females pretend to, "Love and appreciate each and every one", of the numberless proxy children at which point a proxy Mr. Rogers magically appears in the proxy neighborhooed and escorts all of the children to the proxy Primary opening exercises.

2. Lying to the bishop for the dead. A proxy member gets to be asked almost any question regarding their worthiness by the proxy bishop and the proxy member gets to answer every question correctly. They both have a proxy good laugh and go home to engage in every sin available to them.

1. Being Gordon Hinckley for the dead. So few ever get to be General Authorities so now even the dead get the chance. A proxy member gets to have his chin removed and have his brain injected with the fatal "Thinking's Been Done" virus. Other proxy members then get to be asked serious gospel and theological questions at which point they look to the proxy Gordon and say. "Ask that chinless, spineless charlatan, we can't think one goddammed thought for ourselves".

Top Ten Ways General Authorities eat their Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

01/28/2002 by namyzarc

10. Joseph Smith: “I send the wrappers off on missions, then seal myself to be one with the peanut butter cups for all eternity.”

9. Brigham Young: “The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is really a Snickers bar, and I eat those one bite at a time.”

8. Oliver Cowdery, Martin Harris, and David Whitmer: “Well, we actually just ate the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with our SPIRITUAL mouths…”

7. Wilford Woodruff: “I first write a manifesto claiming I will never again eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, then I secretly eat a few more under the table.”

6. Paul H. Dunn: “I remember back in WWII that I ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup that was 2 feet tall. I really didn’t know if I could eat it or not, what with my recent war injury and all, but I remembered my fallen buddy’s words as he died in my arms: ‘Paul, if you just take one bite at a time, you can tackle anything.’ So I took that giant cup and, breaking it with the bat Babe Ruth gave me, proceeded to wolf down the tiny morsels.”

5. Gordon B. Hinckley: “I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but I don’t really know exactly how I ate it. These experiences are very sacred to me. Previous leader have mentioned how they eat their Reese’s Cups, but I’m not really sure what they meant by that.”

4. Thomas S. Monson: “I remember when I ate my first Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when I was tender lad of 8. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, ‘Tommy, are you eating a Reese’s?’ And I would invariably smile up to her, ‘Yes. Yes, I am.’ ‘But Tommy, did you know that Mrs. Jensen next door hasn’t eaten a Reese’s Cup in years?’ My young mind thought upon the plight of my next door neighbor as I…”

3. Boyd K. Packer: “In all my years, I have always eaten my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups the same way – the way the brethren have instructed us to eat them. There is a far greater evil in this world, though – those who believe they can eat their Cups in a way not in harmony with the brethren. We must be true and faithful and eat our Peanut Butter Cups the exactly same way the brethren does.”

2. Neal A. Maxwell: “I intentionally initiate the delicious design of deglutition of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. For like our Savior, it is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated. Then I…”


1. J. Golden Kimball: “H***, I’ll eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup any d*** way I want!”

There’s no wrong way (unless you listen to Mr. Packer) to eat a Reese’s.

Top Ten Claims If Proven True Would Make The Mormon Church Come True

01/28/2002 by Deconstructor of the Recovery Bulletin Board

1. A real translation of the papyri Smith used to produce the Book of Abraham would be similar to what is in the Perl of Great Price.

2. Native American DNA would show definite signs of an Israeli/Jewish connection.

3. Modern church leaders would not be deceived by con men like Mark Hoffman.

4. Abusive armature dictators that serve as Bishops, Stake Presidents and General Authorities would be released after they spiritually harmed a member of the flock.

5. The temple ceremony would never change, just as Joseph Smith and Brigham Young said.

6. All prophesies by the Mormon prophets would be in harmony, since they receive their revelations from the same unchanging, perfect God.

7. The MTC, BYU and other church-operated institutions would be shining examples of the principle of free agency.

8. Joseph Smith would have been able to find the first 116 "lot pages" of the original BoM translation, demonstrating true divine guidance in the work.

9. The various personal accounts by Smith of his "first vision" would not contradict the official version.

10. Journal accounts by faithful members would describe Smith's practice of polygamy as being in harmony with the revelation governing that doctrine.

As a True Believing Mormon, I naively expected the above items to back up the church's story. Taken individually, you can come up with an excuse for why each one doesn't support the church's claims. But taken as a whole, it matches up with only one explanation... the church is an elaborate hoax.

Top Ten Vehicles To Hie To Kolob In

01/24/2002 - Elder Mario Getready

Gentlemen, ...oops, I mean Brethren, start your engines!

Yes, these infernal combustion engines run on high octane priesthood power and produce enough hot air to "jettison" you and all of your wives to Kolob in the twinkling of an eye.

10. The Rambler Nash-ing of Teeth.

9. The Hie Attal Herniator.

8. The Hie Ho.

7. The Yearnovator 600.

6. The Kolob Krackmaster 717.

5. The Ford Phalaxy 500.

4. The Vagina Lustmaster with Orgasmadrive.

3. The Peterbuilt Diesel Handcart

2. The Veil Groper 1500.

1. The Black Hole Blue Flamer.

Some friends I know have a Dodge Polygivan for the whole family. Some others prefer to go in a BMW (Big Mormon Wagon).

An El Camino Celestial is nice for taking naps in the bed in the back at rest stops along the way. Mormon fundies usually go in a Plygmouth or Pointy-ick Grand Prick followed by a caravan of turbo-charged Volvas (Swedish, of course).

People who've been dead a long time before making the journey typically prefer the Honda Postlude. But some claim that they can get there faster in a Christler! - 01/25/2002 - Casio

How about the Explorer Her or a Probe? - 01/25/2002 - B. Shaggy Young

Top Ten Reasons Why Mormon Women Are Inferior To The Mormon Men

10/26/2001 - by Bill at www.geocities.com/exmormon2000

10. Women are the means to the end as polygamous wives to their one eternal husband for propagating spirit children that will in turn only worship their Father or the celestial male husband  (D&C 132: 39, 63).

 9. Men have polygamous wives and not the other way around.

 8. Men have the "authority," women must obey.

 7. Women are saved if they spread their legs or they'll be destroyed! (D&C132:54, 64).

 6. In the Pre-existence (Abr. 3:22-3) the more intelligent and noble spirits were chosen to have the priesthood. Women weren't as noble, or as intelligent, or else why weren't they chosen?

 5. Women must submit to her husband in the temple who will become God, so she will obey her God-husband, and their spirit children on the earth he organizes will only pray to him and ignore her.

 4. Heavenly Mother in the doctrine is ignored like the Bishop's wife.

 3. Women are blamed in the LDS  temple video for being deceived by the serpent, and Eve takes the brunt of the blame as Adam blames the woman and man is portrayed as being strong and avoiding temptation while Eve is seen as weak and sinful.

 2. Women are taught to be socially dependant on the man as the leader and so therefore they play the role of subordinate.

1. Even today a man can be sealed to more than one woman in the temple but a woman cannot be sealed to more than one man and she needs a man to pull her through the veil into heaven and she is forbidden to know his secret name.

Top Ten Questions Larry King Is Just Dying To Ask Hinckley In Their Next Prime Time Interview

08/02/2001 - Elder Wedge Shaped Head
10. If a stalwart missionary labors all the days of his mission and yet does not convert a single soul unto the Lord, is his mission still considered to be a complete waste of time?

9. When angels are born, how long does it take for them to learn to fly? Do they ever fly into glass doors or windows?

8. When the scriptures talk about "worlds without number" does this mean that the God on that world has such a good memory that his wives don't have to take a number to determine who gets to copulate with Him next?

7. Do the general authorities wear asbestos garments to keep their bosoms from igniting their expensive suits during general conferences?

6.When Boyd K Packer wakes up on a Monday morning he has a horrible scummy taste in his mouth. Is that left over testimony from conference?

5. Is there a "Special" kingdom for Latter-day Saints who write hymns about Kolob?

4. When someone like polygamist Tom Green becomes a God does that mean he will create mobile homes, wives and babies without number?

3. If Nephi was on the professional bowler's tour and he secretly installed the Liahona in his bowling ball, would he score 300 every game?

2. How hot is Popeye's "burning of the bosom" while anointing his "head" with consummated Olive Oyl?

1. When God made his top ten list of commandments do you think he knew how popular top ten list would become in these the latter days?

Top Ten Theories of the Origin of Human Life

08/02/2001 - Elder Wedge Shaped Head

10.  Some God somewhere accidentally mixed some “Primordial Scum In A Can” with some left over bacon grease and left it to set in the sun for several million years.

9. God got tired of doing cross word puzzles and decided to create a new sitcom. He mixed the frequencies of KSL, TV test pattern #1, KBYU News at Ten and Roller Derby to create “All My Earthlings”. The new soap opera for White Trash Gods.

8. A monkey copulated with a pig.

7. Gods toilet wouldn’t flush.

6. Somebody was Hying from Kolob and spilled some “Mush In A Bucket” out the window and it headed for earth where it landed on a pile of raisins. When God saw this he said “Somebody has got to eat this crap or it may spread!”. And here we are.

5. Somebody made a mackerel patty in the shape of a human and then made the mistake of giving it a name and a blessing.

4. The oxen were complaining about always having to pull wagons and God heard their complaint and created the human and the handcart. Too bad God didn’t make them smart enough not to cross plains in the middle of winter.

3. Twelve oxen were all standing in a circle with their hind quarters facing inward. Why they do this has always been a mystery, and they all farted at once. The combined pressure caused a “Big Bang” that could be heard clear to Kolob. When God heard it he pronounced it “Good” and sent down ten commandments along with some humans to read them.

2. After God had created the sheep He discovered that His new creation had a self esteem problem. To help the sheep feel better about themselves he created Mormons and commanded them to live next to God’s sheep ranch.

1. God was feeling insecure so rather than make something of himself he created a shitload of inferior beings and commanded them to worship him day and night and sing praises to him and to pay him “Living Dues” or to give him all that they have if necessary and to never take his name in vain etc etc...

God Manufacturing's Top Ten Inventions

08/02/2001 - Elder Wedge Shaped Head

10. Planets with no life on them. They do not require much cleaning or upkeep and the non-life on them is well behaved much of the time. There has never been a cross word on one of these planets.

9. Death. This makes sure that the same assholes can't totally mess things up forever. Only their offspring can do it.

8. Churches. Although God Manufacturing claims not to have ever started even one church we have discovered through the Freedom of Information Act that God Manufacturing did indeed file papers of incorporation for one "Church of the Still Small Brains." This keeps many of the small brained coagulated into one group.

7. The pyramid. Without this inventions the number of people in Utah that get ripped off would be woefully low.

6. Seagulls. If there were not seagulls many families would not know where to homestead. They could wander for years without finding "The Place."

5. Plains. Many people have died trying to cross them. But not nearly enough. Plans are underway to expand plains throughout the world.

4. Basketball sized hail. With this great invention you can have all your trees and shrubs pruned in just minutes. Not to mention having all those old shingles removed. And a spirited game of basketball sized hail ball always follows.

3. Church pews. In order to know joy you must first experience extreme pain first.

2. Temple dormitories. Without these clever inventions some older folks may not have cozy little places to live.

1. Crosses. Imagine life without crosses. All the world's laundry would be lying on the ground and we would all have to pay for our own sins.

Top Ten New Commandments

08/02/2001 - Elder Wedge Shaped Head

10. Thou shalt have no other idiots before me. I got here first.

9. Thou shalt not steal. Unless of course you get permission from Me, My Son or The Spook.

8. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's ass, nor they neighbor's wife wife's ass, nor thy neighbor's ass's ass, because thy neighbor is an ass and chances are you are too.

7. Remember the Sabbath day to keep is seemly. But since there seems to be some confusion about which day the Sabbath day is, because there are so many religious fanatics, I have put my thumb over this commandment. What do you mean, “What does that mean?”. I can’t believe I created such a bunch of ditz heads. It means Free Agency rules on the Sabbath day you moron!

6. Thou shalt not commit a doltry. Unless of course you are a dolt, then go for it.

5. Thou shalt not kill. Oh boy. Here we go. Unless you are on my side and you are killing the other side. Or you are hungry. Or your garments have crept so far up you crack that you really lose it.

4. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God. DAmmit! I mean it!

3. Thou shalt remember these commandments I have given you.

2. Hmmm. Thou shalt not forget these commandments I have given you.

1. Finally. Ahh. Remember the nights to keep them dark, all the days of thy life, that no unlightness doth enter therein henceforth from this day until the night thereof.

Top Ten Mormon Hymns
For Purposes of Adding The Phrase "In Bed" To Their Titles
For laughs, when one is bored during sacrament meeting

08/02/2001 - Gazelle

10. "Let Us All Press On"
9. "Again We Meet Around the Board"
8. "What Glorious Scenes Mine Eyes Behold"
7. "How Great Thou Art"
6. "I Need Thee Every Hour"
5. "I Have Work Enough to Do"
4. "Shall the Youth of Zion Falter?"
3. "Should You Feel Inclined to Censure"
2. "Behold Thy Sons and Daughters, Lord"

And, the "worst" one of all:

1. "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go"

Top Ten Toughest Gospel Questions

07/12/2001 - Wedge Shaped Head

10. If one missionary is tracting east at 25 homes per hour and one is tracting west on the same street at 28 homes per hour which one will be shot first by the homeowner that the Jehovah's Witlesses just pissed off?

9. Is it OK to use consecrated oil to lubricate a sticky TV remote if you want to watch general conference?

8. Does Jesus require a speed boat to perform "barefoot water skiing" on the Sea of Galilee or can he propel Himself?

7. As a patron in the Las Vegas Temple, you find a $100 bill under your chair while removing your slippers. Should you pay tithing on it, give it to the temple president, buy a new set of temple clothes, or take it as a message from the Lord commanding you to play Black Jack at the nearest casino?

6. When a person is baptized with a crusty butt hole is the butt hole cleansed along with all the sins or does God not do butt holes?

5. If your new name is Francois and your real name is Francois and the person for whom you are doing proxy work is named Francois, and your brother-in-law is named Francois, how do you do work for the dead without getting confused?

4. When you take the sacrament does the bread really represent the body of Christ and if so was He made of Wonder Bread or just imitating the Pillsbury Doe Boy?

3. Why did God allow the pioneer Mormons on Donner Pass to have a party?

2. In the Garden of Eden why did the serpent offer Eve an apple? Why didn't he offer something worthwhile like a lottery ticket or a free subscription to the Ensign?

1. What do children on "worlds without number" do when they reach the age that world doesn't have a number for? If that number is 8 how can they ever know right from wrong and become accountable? Or if there was no number 12, what would they do for apostles?

Top Ten Uses For The Holy Ghost

0628/2001 - Schuler and Graham

10. When wiping your butt the Holy Ghost can tell you if you got it all.

9. When peeing in a wind storm the Holy Ghost will tell you the best direction to point your penishood.

8. Tells which stain remover works best on Latter-day Garmie Pee Stains. It worked for Parley Pee Pratt.

7. In the pre-existence the HG can help you to select parents that will guide and nurture you on your road to self destruction.

6. When traveling to Kolob the HG will help you to know whether or not to shift into "Hie Gear".

5. Will tell you which Republican Party candidate to vote for.

4. When searching out your eternal companion the HG will guide you to somebody who will finish the job your parents started.

3. Tells you whether your stake patriarch is horney, has Alzheimer's or is on acid while receiving your patriarchal blessing.

2. When driving your car the HG can tell you when there is a problem. Or else you can look in your mirror and see your rear axle sticking out into the next lane of traffic.

1. Steers you away from "Holy Ghost Free Zones" set up by exmo protestors at Temple Square and other locations in downtown Salt Lake City.

Top Ten Names For Elohim's Penishood

06/03/2001 - Elder Mel Chizeldik

10. Scepter of the Most High (and Most Stiff)

9. Eternal Companion Control Wand

8. Celestial Trailer Hitch (with all the chrome sucked off billions and billions of years ago)

7. Hand rail for those groping through "mists of darkness"

6. The Stick of Kolob

5. The Priest's Quorum One Armed Bandit

4. Calling and erection made sure

3. The Troo Arm of God

2. Where to Find the Hand of God (when all the eternal companions have been stricken with headaches)

1. Every Moron Penisholders Wish Bone

Top Ten Reasons Your Home Teaching Didn't Get Done

05/28/2001 - Elder Ax L. Rod

10. That Old Devil tricked me into thinking my families had moved into the local porn shops so I spent the month looking for them there.

9. All of the families were out of town.

8. I got all new families and the new list was lost along with the first 116 pages of the book of mormon.

7. I fasted and prayed all month for my families and was hospitalized by the third week.

6. I was in Central America proving that the book of mormon is troo.

5. My home teacher didn't come so I'm not home teaching anyone either!

4. I read a book about some DNA stuff and the Lamanites and have left the church.

3. All of our families told us we could come by anytime to do our home teaching visit, except between meals or while they are eating.

2. I was arrested for molesting one of the Mia Maids and was in jail.

1. I thought the lord would return before the end of the month so it wouldn't matter anyway.

Top Ten Ways To Get The Oakland Temple Raiders To The Super bowl:

03/01/2001 - anon

10. Place the holy name of "The Oakland Raiders", the names of the coaching staff, the players, their wives and their children on the prayer rolls of The LDS Oakland Temple.

9. Perform the temple ordinance work the beloved and now departed one, Lyle Alzedo**. Afterwards have Lyle and Three Nephites work the football team into shape with x3 a days for practice.

8. Lace the Sacrament water in all the LDS Wards in Oakland with steroids and growth hormones.

7. Combine "away game" tours for the loyal LDS Raiders fans with a temple excursion to the local McTemple.

6. Change the Raiders name to The Quorum of the Eleven.

5. Sew the temple garment signs of the compass, square and navel on the outside of the Raiders uniforms.

4. Replace the skull and cross bones logo of the Raiders to the Sword of Laban and the Liahona.

3. Have the Raiders "dust their feet off" on the opposing team each Sunday.

2. Prior to each game anoint each Raider football player's head with holy Valvoline 10-40 oil in the name of The Gordo, the Steve Young and the Holy Casper.

1. Bring Lavell Edwards out of retirement to coach the team before Gordon calls him to replace Boyd K Packer in the Quorum of the Twelve and hire PlayElder as "offensive" co-ordinator because of his world class reputation and skills in "offensive strategies of attack" upon Morgism. (better hurry on this one)

**In July 1991, Lyle Alzedo, the famous Oakland Raider football player admitted in Sports Illustrated that he used massive doses of anabolic steroids since 1969, since he was 20 years old. And that he lied through his teeth all those years to conceal it. Stricken with inoperable brain cancer, he lost 60 lbs of his famous muscle and in his own words, "I'm sick and scared" A few months later he was dead at 42

01/15/2000 - Patty Edwards - to get Lavell out of the house because he's driving me crazy!

Top Ten Uses for Temple Garments

- 01/04/2001 - Beli

10. Tie-dye them and streak through the chapel during the next stake conference.
9. Use them as handkerchiefs during your snottiest cold.
8. Become a stunt person in the movies and wear the garments for sure protection.
7. Start your own garment company to compete against the church's monopoly.
6. Toilet paper backup.
5. Auction them off on Ebay, emphasizing their sexy magical protection qualities.
4. Dust rags.
3. Wear them while acting in a porno movie.
2. Wear them at the local strip club's amateur night.
1. Use them to clean up after engaging in acts forbidden by the Brethren.

Top Ten Things I'd Like to See in the Endowment

- 01/04/2001 - Beli

10. The sectarian minister returns, played by Gordon Hinckley. 9. High quality theater surround sound that actually brings the garden to us.
8. Adam and Eve shown multiplying and replenishing the earth, to the Primary tune "Do As I'm Doing".
7. Someone actually declines to receive their full endowment and backs out in the beginning.
6. Lucifer played by Boyd Packer.
5. Narrator's line changed to "Brethren, who are actually still awake, close your eyes as if you were asleep".
4. Patron falls to the floor and violently pretends to be possessed by Satan.
3. Patron's new name tattooed on his ass, to always remember it.
2. Beer vendors walking the aisles.
1. Eve played by a Playboy bunny, without the annoying obstructive vegetation.

Top Ten Failed Mormon Products

- 01/04/2001 - Davie Boy

10. The High Priest's Pocket Cook Book (we all know who does the cooking in Mormon households)
9. The do it yourself circumcision kit (for Mormons who think they are Jews)
8. Adam-ondi-Almond Ice Cream
7. Two Thousand Stripping Warriors Party Kit
6. Book of Mormon Cliffs Notes
5. Compact Cars
4. The Book of Mormon Role-playing Game
3. Book of Mormon action figures (these were actually a real product)
2. Laban Action Figure with Detachable Head and fake blood capsules
1. Caffeine-free Coca-Kolob

Top Ten Reasons a SLC Winter Molympics Would Suck:

- 09/28/2000 - Beli -priestofbaal@hotmail.com

10. An image of Moroni would grace the medals
9. Garments don't look very flattering underneath a figure skater's outfit
8. The hot dogs and nachos at the concession stands would be replaced by green Jell-O and casseroles
7. Spectators would need to display the proper signs and tokens to be allowed into the events
6. Condoms not handed out to the athletes in Olympic Village
5. Only "faith-promoting" songs and hymns to be used in the skaters' routines
4. The sacrament being passed at opening ceremonies
3. Opening and closing prayer before each competition
2. 10% of athlete's endorsements to be taken
1. Hey, Beerman! Beerman! Where's the Beerman?!

The Top Ten Pagan/Neo-Pagan Doctrines & Activities Found in the LDS Church (or, What I Was Too Stupid to Realize Existed Outside the Church, in Far More Pleasant Company & Without the Accompanying Insanity, When I Was Sixteen Years Old...)

No Offense Meant To Any Pagan/Neo-Pagan/Wiccan/ Shinto/Asatru/Buddhist/Hindu/Voudoun/Unitarian or other Pagan person, organization, or deity.

1. Truth is reason...truth eternal tells you you've a Heavenly Mother.

2. "Eternal Progression..." (Neo-pagans and Hindus say: "my people call it reincarnation" : Buddhists say: "we're hoping to get out of it EVENTUALLY...")

3. "As man is, God once was..." (see the above "my people call it..." comments. Now, exactly how, in the light of a doctrine like this, does the "Adam/God" connection so thoroughly floor people???!)

4. The name "Adam" in the first place appears to be derived from the Sumerian First Deity "ATUM" -- I suspect that that "scholar who couldn't read the plates..." was in fact a scholar giving a lecture about newly "discovered" ancient Samaria and its sacred textual tablets, and a certain Mr. Smith in the audience said: "Well! Things that Make You go Hmmm..."

5. Multiplicity of gods (well, duh...)

6. If you get a chance, participate in a Wiccan Eightfold Blessing ceremony. Like an Endowment, but better, because nobody obsesses about the strength of your navel, everybody gets to be nude, and there's usually wine and intelligent conversation afterward.

7. Joseph's "white light...brighter than the sun at midday..." -- unless he was at Eleusis, I don't want to know, and I promise you that there are any number of Native shamans who can replicate this experience for you (WHAT kind of mushrooms did he eat for lunch while kneeling in that grove...?)

8. The need for blood atonement BESIDES Jesus' (not a common practice among modern Neo-pagans, unless you practice Voudoun.)

9. Joseph's Old Reliable Seeing Stone (I live in Northern Arizona and occasionally expect to see this on sale in Sedona at a New Age Store...but on a more serious note, the Navajo people here who follow their ancestral religion use crystals to commune with their ancestors and promote healing, so it's not as "New Agey" a practice as one might suspect. Practitioners of Shinto also receive great wisdom from meditation using stones.)

10. The True Order of Prayer (thirteen people standing in a circle praying...hmmm, sounds like the last Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans meeting my husband and I went to, but their drum circle was MUCH better than the Temple's...)

Top Ten Coaching Activities I Will Miss The Most When I Retire

by LaVell Edwards - BYU Football Head Coach

10. Having a "Liahona" planted in Steve Young's helmet telling him where to pass the football.

9. Having the temple garment markings secretly sewn into our uniforms thus reducing injuries by 99%.

8. Stealing dirty rotten plays from the Orrin Porter Rockwell and Danites' secret strategy play book.

7. Having the players pull fully loaded pioneer handcarts back to Jackson County, Missouri for spring training camp.

6. Having the "Three Nephites" anoint our running backs with gallons of consecrated oil making them slippery and almost impossible to tackle.

5. Having Gordon B. Hinckley ask the Lord what play to call when we are first down and goal to go, especially when we played Notre Dame and Southern Methodist University.

4. Having those foxy young female sports writers and reporters in our locker room after the game.

3. Having Steve Young and Jim McMahon pull off our super secret especial forward pass play code named "The Co-Lob" for a touchdown.

2. Using the Rameumpton from the Hill Cumorah Pageant for my coaches platform during our home games.

1. Autographing hundreds of footballs, jerseys and caps for the bratty great grand kids of all the General Authorities.

More of Lavell's Top Ten Things He Will Miss After Retirement

1. Being inspired by Donnie and Marie's rendition of the National Anthem piped in via satellite live to Cougar Stadium from Branson, Missouri.

2. Being inspired by "Nine Inch Nails" version of the Cougar Fight Song.

3. Having Paul James and Gifford Nielsen do the play by play and color of the home videos of me and Pat's second honeymoon to Orderville, Utah.

4. Falsifying reports to the BYU Standards office about the integrity of my players.

5. Trying to out do Paul H Dunn's sports stories with my own tall tales.

6. Roasting the prophet at the annual BYU Cougar Club fund raising banquet.

7. Laying guilt trips on outstanding LDS athletes who didn't sign with BYU for not being on the Lord's team.

8. Not getting parking tickets for parking my car anywhere I damn well please on campus.

9. Getting front row seats at General Conference.

10. Slapping Cosmo for trying to "dry hump" himself on my leg.

Can Gordon Succeed Bill As The Next President? - His Top Eleven Qualifications

05/15/2000 - Brigham Smith

11. Makes things up as he goes.
10. Counselors have ready explanations for past mistakes.
9. True believer in doctrine of telling lies so long in hope that they will be eventually accepted as truth. "The Big Lie."
8. Merciless towards disillusioned former followers.
7. Blames others for "persecuting" him.
6. Secretly believes in the principle of more than one sowman at a time, all the while denying the same.
5. Has a wife who claims to bake cookies.
4. Claims to have especial knowledge regarding the meaning of "is".
3. Declares for himself what is and isn't "doctrinal".
2. Is already driven around in a black Suburban with dark tinted windows.
1. Self-delusional: Believes it's all "true".

More "Top Ten" Hints That You Won't Go Far In The Church

10. You call the church's 800 number, but are forwarded to Saints Alive.
9. Your ward moves in the middle of the night. You are not informed.
8. You become first church member in recent memory to receive reprimand for tubing down the Jordan River wearing only garments.
7. Elder's unknown surreptitiously remove the "LDS" stickers from your Suburban.
6. So-called LDS friends start introducing you to women OUTSIDE the church.
5. Denied admission to Ricks College, you apply to Bob Jones College instead.
4. The church repos your garments. (And you are in them at the time.)
3. Your parents are excommunicated for having you.
2. Teenage ushers escort you...to another state.
1. The church returns your tithing with interest.

Top 10 Reasons to Love the Anti-Mormons

04/15/2000 - by Wade E (a true believing Mormon - TBM)

10. "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" (Mt 22:39), and "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." (Mt 5:44)

9. Their efforts tend to generate interest in the Church, and keep our faith frequently in the public eye, which helps our missionary work prosper when they are around.

8. They provide us with a unique insight into the life of the Savior by demonstrating what it must have been like for him to deal with the Scribes and Pharisees.

7. Who else is going to motivate us to study the peripheral, obscure, and markedly unimportant aspects of our religion.

6. They make us laugh with their obtuse, inane, dubious, nefarious, absurd, rancorous, and spiteful antics.

5. We get to dust off our Logic 101 books, and find application for the many fallacies we learned about in school.

4. They give religious bigotry a bad name.

3. Their "cottage" industry is a boost to local economies--particularly paper and print businesses; and their tracts provide a cheap source of fuel for wood stoves and fireplaces.

2. We are no longer left to wonder: "how many times can the same weak and well-refuted claims be made against our faith?" (Infinity!); and, "to what extent will the anti-Mormons go in forwarding their un- Christ-like agendas?" (Anything goes--including "lying for the Lord".)

1. They provide a loving "home" for the chronic discontents, and they help make even the most misinformed and unscholarly writers of religion feel important and erudite.

Top 10 Reasons Things Wade E. Forgot to Mention

04/18/2000 - by Brigham Smith

10. But instead of the past (Mountain Meadows), I choose to think of what the Church is today, such as Prop. 22, BYU's non-admission policy towards apostates, The City and school district of Gilbert, AZ's LDS "Theocracy". WADE! Where's the love?

9. ...until their eyes are opened by websites like this to the beliefs the missionaries and authorities 'forgot' to mention. (Unless of course its blocked by a Church-sponsored ISP)

8. The same Savior who upbraided the scribes and Pharisees for their blind obedience to the law, which is much like LDS present-day mindset.

7. ...which I'm not going to talk about.

6. ...but, then, I cant talk about the Temple ceremonies, now can I?

5. And its about time we took the plastic cover off our previously unused "Logic 101" books.

4. Unlike my LDS Church, who gives religious bigotry a GOOD name!

3. the same fireplace where we TBMs and Church authorities have tried to place out of date BOM's and other books that contradict our present teachings.

2. Don't you anti-Mormons know that you are no match for us experts in this field?

1. ...Much different than the "loving home" the LDS church provides for anyone who would dare question anything the present leadership espouses, no matter how illogical or historically contradictive it is (And don't you DARE open that 'Logic 101' book again!)

Top Ten Complications For Non-Masturbating Single Males

03/22/2000 - anon

10. He is unable to carry on a conversation with his dates because of his constant singing of hymns to himself to ward off evil thoughts.
9. He has frequent nightmares about working in a little Provo factory with a smokestack that spews whipped cream.
8. He pastes ZCMI adds for female undergarment sales in his closet.
7. He has to wear a jock strap over his garments to prevent his penishood from poking the fellow in front of him while lusting after Eve during the temple endowment movie.
6. He prays sincerely every night before bedtime that the burning in his bosom will be consummated with an "especially powerful" wet dream.
5. He checks into the LDS Hospital's emergency room with severe hypothermia after taking a five hour "cold shower."
4. . He gets an erection thinking about the Holy Ghost and what it would feel like to have sex with a cloud.
3. He is so morally righteous during necking sessions in the Provo Temple parking lot that one night on the way home his "blue balls" finally explode.
2. He becomes so desperate to have sex that he marries the first BYU co-ed that doesn't run away in horror after he solemnly announces to her his "direct revelation from God that you are supposed to marry me" come on.
1. After a lifetime of failure to find sexual fulfillment, he gives up and elopes to Las Vegas and is married to his own penis by an Elvis impersonator. Then he has to go to the emergency room to get the wedding ring removed.

Top Tens Signs That You Are A Super Deluxe True Believing Mormon

10. Bear your testimony at church once a month whether you feel the spirit or not.
9. Look forward to gospel doctrine class and blessing others with your in-depth gospel knowledge.
8. Listen to tapes of General Conference over and over again in the car on the way to work.
7. Have a poster of Boyd K Packer mounted above the fireplace mantle.
6. Writes letters to the editor of the Daily Universe complaining of the cheerleaders immodest outfits.
5. You have chronic third degree burns on your bosom that refuse to heal, even with consecrated oil.
4. Your Book of Mormon pages are so soft from daily reading that the pages feel better than expensive toilet paper.
3. When being sworn in as a jury member, demand to use a Book of Mormon instead of a Bible.
2. Use consecrated oil in the lawnmower engine.
1. Think Jesus really does want you for a Sun Beam.

Top Ten Hints of Mormon Female


by Johanna of the bulletin board

10. She is giving away all her canning jars.
9. Suddenly her children wear clothes purchased from a "real" store.
8. Her friend says "did you go to the thing tonight" referring to the huge Relief Society Birthday dinner and she says "what thing?"...
7. She doesn't even notice that the January Ensign is late, and says she forgot to renew it (yeah, that's the ticket!)
6. Finds out the day before that her new visiting teaching assignment has actually been the new RS president for weeks.
5. Doesn't come home for an hour after the ward meeting is over on Sunday, but is all dressed up.
4. Gives back her Eric Dowdle Temple puzzle after 4 months and it's still shrink wrapped.
3. Her legs are shaved and tan above the knee...oh my gosh, is she wearing real shorts!
2. She is giving Pepsi One cans to the local scouts to recycle.
1. That dang smile...What does she know that I don't know?

Top Ten Reasons Why Garments Are Open In The Butt

10. When you are hospitalized, you are already wearing a stupid getup where people can see your butt crack when you walk down the hall.
9. The crack allows rapidly expanding gasses to escape when you fart, thus avoiding embarrassing underwear explosions in public.
8. If the neck won't stretch enough, you can always climb into your garments through the butt hole.
7. The butt opening can serve as a fire escape in the event your garments catch fire and you're not quick enough to escape thru the neck hole.
6. If your butt gets really fat, the garments will naturally expand at the butt crack opening, so you don't have to buy a larger size.
5. When you run around the house in front of your kids wearing just your garments, your kids will realize their lives are doomed to pointlessness, and may decide to join another church.
4. When it's time to buy new garments, you can plan ahead and make a day of it when you have to drive clear to Salt Lake City.
3. When you garments get so thin that they are hardly visible, your calling and erection will be made visible too.
2. Wearing garments during sex will lengthen foreplay to five hours.
1. Garments are infinitely stupider than any of the ridiculous getups that teenagers wear. You can always be confident that you are way stupider than any dumb kid when you actually wear garments and actually believe that it's a good idea.

Top Ten Reasons Your Polygamous Teen Is In Trouble

02/29/2000 - Dave C

10 Talks back to his mothers.

9 Won't button his top shirt button.

8 Uses Brigham Young's name in vain.

7 Refuses to "Ascend" with the rest of the family.

6 Listens to LDS General Conference tapes in his room.

5 Won't share with his 37 brothers and sisters.

4 Demands to be called Mo instead of Moroni.

3 Wants to go to college.

2 Thinks that one wife is plenty.

1 Wants only one child, with a normal name.

Top Ten Reasons To Come To Testimony Meeting Naked

02/08/2000 - Gaylan and cricket

10. The Bishop is always cajoling, "I wanna see your ass in the pews on time for a change!"
9. You can turn the other cheek when offended by snobby self-righteous comments.
8. Skip paying tithing with the excuse, "I left my wallet in my pants."
7. To stop those horney little Deacons from staring down your blouse while they pass the sacrament.
6. You want to see if it is like the dream.
5. Helps you fantasize about the temple movie.
4. So you can finally "bare" your testimony with conviction.
3. The noisy kids in the pew stop asking to borrow your pen to draw with after they see where you keep it.
2. No one sits in your favorite spot on the pew ever again.
1. Inventive way to finally get a personal interview with Boyd K Packer.

Top Ten Signs Mormonism Has Mainstreamed

02/03/2000 - cricket

10. Opening and closing prayers at General Conference conclude with a hearty "Amen" and "Hallelujah."
9. Official "LDS Church Home Page" actually becomes interactive rather than dictatorial.
8. Electric guitar and drums accompany the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and organ in General Conference.
7. Temple recommend holders allowed to have "temple tokens" tattooed on their bodies as replacement of traditional garments.
6. The President of The Re-Organized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is keynote speaker at General Conference.
5. The LDS Church buys the "New Orleans Saints" National Football League professional football team and names Steve Young as head coach.
4. LDS Church purchases "The Heaven Channel" cable TV network, thus allowing monthly "pay per view" temple endowment movies. Subscriptions taken by the Bishop at recommend interview time.
3. The Pope inducts "The Three Nephites" into the "All Saints Hall of Fame" as a Mormon Mini-Temple opens its doors in Vatican City.
2. Dedication of new temples by The First Presidency discontinued and replaced with "christening" by smashing a bottle of Jack Daniels on the temple's cornerstone.
1. Robert Kirby and Pat Bagely purchase The Church News.

Top ten movie titles that could also serve as chapter headings for my personal memoirs:

01/31/2000 - Kikki

1. A Few Good Men - Dating Return Missionaries
2. Indecent Proposal - Dating Return Missionaries, Chapter 2
3. Close Encounters of the Third Kind - the Mormon Years
4. Scream 1 - My First Marriage
5. Scream 2 - My Second Marriage
6. Aliens - The Child Bearing Years
7. Adventures In Babysitting - My Last Live In Boyfriend
8. Scream 3 - My Best Date Ever
9. Forest Gump - My Worst Date Ever
10. The Girl's Gotta Have It - No Explanation Needed

Top Ten Reasons Why The Mormon Church Is Becoming The Titanic of Organized Religion

01/17/2000- cricket

10. The seniority system of the Twelve guarantees aged and tired old men to lead the church in spite of Viagra spiked sacrament water
9. As gay rights become more mainstream the morg embarrasses itself with bigotry
8. People surf the internet for facts rather than believe the mishie robots
7. Tail gate party awaiting Jesus' second coming at Jackson County, Missouri fizzles out, party over dulldrums
8. Jews and Arabs actually make some real peace, goodbye Armageddon
6. Boyd K Packer dies leaving no one who with the political will to control "everything and everybody"
5. Ensign goes on line and becomes completely bland as it mainstreams
4. First female apostle drives old patriarchal hard liners out
3. Deseret Book readership declines as same old stuff gets rehashed over and over again
2. Cyber Teaching replaces Home Teaching and Visiting Teachings leaving Mormons feeling cold and aloof from each other, but statistics finally reach 100%
1. Virtual reality temple work and endowments on line at home, leave LDS Temples vacant, except for baptisms for the dead because immersion still required to get to Kolob

Top Ten Reasons Beer Is Better Than Religion

01/12/2000 - SwedenDC

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4.Beer doesn't care if you drink a different beverage now and then.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Top ten reasons I left Mormonism as a 20 year old:

12/20/1999 - Hundred Proof

10) I would never reach drinking age.
9) My English professor failed me for saying "The tworch is twue."
8) They wouldn't let me smoke outside the Institute building.
7) Crying babies made it impossible to read Dante during sacrament meeting.
6) My Bishop couldn't explain the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
5) I studied biology. Where do frogs come from?
4) Priesthood meeting is the wrong place to recover from a hangover.
3) The WoW mentions neither Doritos nor pizza.
2) I was jealous of all those sexually active unmarried RM's.
And the number one reason I left Mormonism as a 20 year old:
1) I LOVE coffee! Slurp. Yum yum. Jitter jitter. Kept me awake during 7:40 AM chemistry.

Top Reason Why Joseph Smith Would Not Survive In The Mormon Church Today

12/06/1999 - Dandy

1 He had a questioning mind, which is what led him to where he ended up.
2 He had unusual marital and sexual arrangements.
3 He contradicted himself in a manner that was too obvious.
4 He wrote history and indeed encouraged it (albeit in a warped form)
5 He made outrageous statements.
6 He disobeyed the word of wisdom, gambled, slept around,
and was involved in gun fights.
7 He had violent tendencies.
8 He was involved in political controversies.
9 He didn't order large numbers of temples to be built.
10 He didn't say "I know it to be true" all the time.

Springville, Utah? The top 11 Simpson connections to Zion (And I KNOW its true!)

11/07/1999 - Brigham Smith

11. City named after "mountain man" (just like Provo)
10. Marge is still driving the same station wagon as she did ten years ago. I)
9. TV newscasters all appear to be male, pure, and delightsome. I)
8. Appears to be only one true church in town, and everyone seems to attend.
7. Moe's is the only tavern in town.
6. Duff: the beer of "medicinal purposes"
5. Holier than thou neighbors the Flanders (Provo again comes to mind)
4. Krusty the Klown is understudy host for "Music and the Unspoken Word"
3. Bart writes on chalkboard "I will not surf to www.salamandersociety.com"
2. Lisa voted by her class "Most likely to do ProZac"
1. Homer is still wearing the same GARMENTS as he did ten years ago.

Top-Ten ways of improving Temple attendance:

10. Show at least one cartoon prior to main feature

9. Tithing requirement reduced to 5% for admittance to matinee presentations

8. Deal with Scientologists results in Cruise and Kidman as Adam & Eve

7. Eve gets a more "Delightsome" fig-leaf.

6. "Sense-A-Round"

5. "Temple-Endowment 3-D," anyone?

4. X-ray vision glasses available for viewing the "New" Eve.

3. "Smell-O-Vision"

2. "Frequent Patron" points: Earn an all expense paid trip to the Las Vegas Temple!

1. Double-Feature: ORGAZMO!

Top Ten Reasons Why I Knew I Would Never Be The Prophet

10. I like to tell the truth at least 50% of the time.
9. I am under 80 years of age.
8. Voting for Liz Dole instead of Orrin Hatch
7. Wear my garments inside out.
6. Do not like Larry King Live.
5. Live west of the Jordan River in Salt Lake City.
4. Not related to any current General Authorities. 09/09/1999 - cricket
3. Temple Name "Jethro".
2. Patriarchal Blessing: "You will rule over Alpha - Beta."
1. Missionary Assignment Antarctica. 09/09/1999 - Brigham Smith

Top Ten Reasons To Leave The Morg

08/31/1999 - Brigham Smith

It is so neat to be able to tell people who ask at parties outside the MORG that your a former priest!

The Top Ten Reasons "NOT" to Join the Mormon Church

- 08/23/1999 courtesy Dana Robertson

10. Performing Blood Atonement ruins a good suit of clothes.
9. By the time you become prophet, you're too old to enjoy it.
8. Temple worker wants to "bless" the fruit of my loins.
7. After you become a God, you only get Sundays off.
6. Boyd K. Packer is going to be the next prophet. (Yuck!)
5. Polygamy: Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
4. Wife doesn't want to spend eternity with me.
3. If you've heard one testimony, you've heard them all.
2. Book of Mormon: Boring

And the #1 reason NOT to join the Mormon Church:

The Top Ten Benefits of Being A General Authority

- 08/23/1999 courtesy Dana Robertson

10. You get free 49er tickets from Steve Young. (GO NINER's)
9. The Tabernacle Choir comes to your home every night to sing you asleep.
8. If someone catches you napping, you can just claim that you were receiving a revelation from God.
7. Donnie and Marie will sing at your grandchildren's weddings.
6. You can abuse those under you, and they will still worship you (that is if you're Boyd K. Packer).
5. You get a complete video collection of "Battlestar Galactica".
4. The Temple Worker "blesses" the fruit of your loins better then your wife.
3. Great pay and medical benefits.
2. You get the best seats at General Conference.

And the #1 benefit of being a General Authority:

1. "When I become prophet there is going to be some changes around here" (that is if you're Boyd K. Packer).

Top Thirteen Reasons " TO" Join the Mormon Church

- 08/23/1999 courtesy Dana Robertson

13. Maybe if the politics of the church will permit, someday I will become a liar. Oh I mean a prophet seer and revelator.
12. If I ever feel down on myself, at least I will have the satisfaction in knowing that I was more valiant then all the black people I know.
11. After paying 10% of my income, I'm allowed inside a Multi-Million dollar building. Then for only three more dollars, (if I don't have my own clothes) I'm allowed the most spiritual experience of my life.
10. In Heaven I can have sex with a different women everyday.
9. I will understand why some people are black and why others are "white and delightsome".
(The above 5 submitted by Eva and Theo)
8. At my wedding reception (which is held in the gym): I will get to serve home-made carrot cake (with raisins!), rainbow-Jell-O-surprise, and tropical kool-aid, and stand in line for hours shaking hands with wrinkled old people who give me dirty looks because they know I've just had sex in the upstairs room of my parents' house before the reception. (submitted by Sherrie Bolton)
7. It is the only religion that won't send you to hell and let Satan kick your but. (submitted by Lisa 092480)
6. Lots o' siblings means lots o' extra kidneys for transplants. (submitted by Kathy Williams St. Paul, MN)
5. Don't have to worry about how to invest your retirement nest egg-because there is nothing to invest after paying tithes and offerings.
4. If you forget someone's name, you can recover fast by calling them "Brother" or "Sister".
3. Know the answers to every question.
2. Can save valuable time not searching for truth and meaning in life-because you already have it.

And the #1 reason to join the Mormon Church:

1. Don't have to worry about keeping up with the latest trends in underwear.
(the above 5 submitted by Thomas Bolz)

My Top Ten Reasons "TO" Join the Mormon Church

by Ex-caliber

1. I can ignore my children's sexuality because the Church will have them so scared of even mentioning sex that I won't ever have to bring up the subject and they won't dare.
2. I won't have to rent a reception hall or a wedding chapel because by getting married in the temple I won't be able to invite very many loved ones anyway.
3. I'll have a perfect opportunity to learn to tell lies for convenience sake (this is necessary in today's world) by not admitting to my bishop that I bop the baloney (play with myself). This will allow me to still go on a mission without any interruption in bopping my baloney.
4. I'll become an expert at justifying non fact based beliefs and notions because of a feeling of "knowing" that I get when I'm being very good.
5. I'll have plenty of reasons to feel superior over others when I realize that I'm way ahead of them in the Celestial Kingdom attainment contest. (Ever heard the phrase, "WIN the prize"?)
6. I can really rest my brain on Sundays because "When the brethren speak, the thinking has been done". I won't have to strain my brain by thinking for myself. What a relief!
7. My imagination will be greatly developed in trying to think what the brethren are talking about when in hushed tones over the pulpit, with their mouths very, very close to the microphone, they say, "I have had experiences that are too sacred to reveal."
8. My patience will be greatly developed as I watch my home teacher get up in quorum meeting and announce that he has 100% home teaching for the month when he hasn't seen my family for six months.
9. My patience will be developed even further when my wife announces to me that it is the general feeling among Church leadership that oral sex is not Godly.
10 I will develop a very close relationship with God as I plead and beg for Him to allow me to have oral sex with my wife.

10 reasons why we would never be true believing Mormons

- 08/20/1999 anon

1. While living at my mother-in-laws house, the LDS radio network became my least favorite radio station.
2. The bathroom always seemed to be the best place when a family member, or friend, proceeded to bare their testimony.
3. My heroes were never Alma or Nephi.
4. Being in the Temple was very similar to being in the library. But, at least in the library you can find answers to your questions.)
5. There are cash registers in the Temple.
6. Female Temple workers were blessing the Fruit Of My Loins. (I guess women can hold the priesthood after all)
7. Indian Culture, spirituality, and practices, didn't quite have enough Jewish influence. Oh gee, look at the similarities American Indian cultures, have with Asian cultures. Oh wait, we wouldn't want to prove good ol` Joe wrong, would we? You know I could never figure out how B.Y.U could ever have an archaeology department
8. in order to Fit in socially in Utah, we always found ourselves acting like someone we are not. (fitting in to the Utah Mormon mentality is not my idea of integrity)
9. A good friend was fired from his job for drinking.
10. God never heard the words of our mouths. i.e.....Temple ritual!

Top Ten Reasons I Knew I'd Never Be A True Believing Mormon

  1. I'd cringe when people would make a blubbering ass out of themselves at sacrament meeting.
  2. When paying my tithing I'd always figure out how many years sooner I could have retired if I'd been able to invest the money in a mutual fund instead of subsidize doctors' kids BYU education.
  3. I was pretty sure that Brigham Young was wrong about men on the moon.
  4. I often felt the "spirit" while playing golf, hiking, fishing, but never in church.
  5. I laugh at (and watch) South Park.
  6. I never wanted more than one wife (in any life).
  7. I was jealous of my co workers who drank coffee (and barley pop).
  8. There was not enough room in my garage for wheat.
  9. I was pretty sure that electro-shock therapy wasn't a cure for homosexuality.
  10. If my mother-in-law is in the Celestial Kingdom I don't wanna be there too! - (courtesy of Bryan 04/02/1999)

Top Ten Reason Why I Still Post At Exmormon.com

  1. Bored with porno sites that my 14.4 modem takes hours to break into.
  2. Haven't had any in months, the batteries in my vibrator are dead and the 'intellectual masturbation' (god, I just LOVE that phrase) is the closest I've gotten to sex in months.
  3. Okay, I admit it, I have a huuuuuge crush on Sandy in Seattle.
  4. I enjoy staring at my computer screen for 30 minutes while 103 messages download....
  5. My toilet is plugged, I lost my car keys, the dryer is on the fritz, and yet I would rather sit on my ass and listen to Dan expound on my beliefs and the illogical aspects of them then get up and face my real world.....hahaha.
  6. Did I mention that I haven't had any sex in months?
  7. Keeps me from picturing my ex-husband and his 19 year old girlfriend sitting in bed in their matching Marilyn Manson t-shirts, feeding each other take out Chinese food and smoking massive quantities of pot.
  8. I feel like I have something to contribute here.....even if it is only lame ass sexual innuendo and the occasional bit of sarcasm.
  9. Oh jeeeesh, I just love you guys..... sniff sniff.
  10. I almost forgot......I haven't had any sex in months. (courtesy of Kikki 03/28/1999)

    Comment Section

    This could have been funny but it's just awkward. If you knew any real Mormons, you'd know that they can laugh at themselves much more effectively than your efforts. - 10/12/2013 - Sneaky


    This guys not sick. He's entitled to his opinion. Let him share it. That's the beauty of living in the United States. People can say whatever they want about whatever. I will say this though: You should dedicate your time and energy to doing something worthwhile. Maybe using your wit and humor to convince people to travel to sites of natural disasters to help them out? Oh, and the "Mormons are a cult" thing is so lame and played out. By the standards you outlined, all people dedicated to a religion are members of a cult. - 04/26/2010 - Banzai


    The truth hurts. Information confuse the ignorant. Religion appeal to the weak mind. If you have "faith" in your so call "religion" why do you feel the need defend it isn't beleiving enough. - This site speaks facts not faith - 02/22/2010 - Tim Ramirez


    Truly offensive. - 09/12/2009 - MAYBELLINE


    honestly, how can you guys do this? are you that dumb?! i was non-denominational penicostal, what ever you want to call it. i fell in love with a guy in high school and im going to marry him. he is mormon.

    i read the book of mormom, i believe it is true, and there is no doubt in my mind about it. can you guys be so closed minded that you rag on people that are different from you. its because they arent baptists that you do this.

    well guess what, unlike most churches, the mormon church actually uses tithes FOR the church, not the pastor as a tip. people actually care for others.

    i mean do you know anything about religion or being LDS? if you want to know the truth, how about you ask a mormon, not your pastor. - 12/19/2008 - kristy "clueless" rowden


    I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this page, but it got me a good laugh and I rather enjoyed it. I have to say that Mormonism is a monster, and I am truly disgusted with myself that I just wasted the first seventeen and a half years believing in the crap they profess. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, but Joseph Smith was just taking advantage of a time in American history where if you didn't have a religion, you were burned at the stake. If I wasn't a woman and if I lived back then, I'd also have a religion that makes up a noticeable percentage of the world's population. It's not hard to lie, and Christians are gullible.

    I've had my heart and eyes and mind open during my time in the church and I can say (and this is from the mouth of babes, as my grandmother used to tell my mother) that this sect of Christianity does not deserve the "Christ" in its name. Never have I seen a church operate under the 'direction' to "Love thy neighbor as thyself, but only if he is LIKE thyself". Hell, the CATHOLICS let me spend a night in their cathedral when I was banished from my house for the weekend when I told my parents I didn't want to go to church. Did anybody in my ward offer me even dinner? Nope. Did the bishop- THAT NIGHT- go out of his way to send out an email to everyone in the ward telling them not to let their children have anything to do with me? You bet.

    I hate to say, but leaving Mormonism has not made me a bad person. I'm still open minded, I still have my beliefs, I still think that you shouldn't need a religion to scare you into behaving, and I still believe that all humans are created equal and the only prerequisite to whether or not we should help them is if they are able to help themselves and if so are they willing to help us help them- not whether or not they promise to come to our church and give us 10% of what they need every penny of to feed their starving relatives.

    I haven't started smoking, I haven't started drinking, I haven't started doing drugs, and I certainly haven't started having sex out the wazoo. I am off my Lexapro and my doctor has said I'm healthier than he's ever seen me, and my psychiatrist is pretty well useless to me at this point. I'm not saying, "Quick! Everyone! Jump off the Mormon Titanic!" but I am saying, "This is what was best for me just as you feel Mormonism is best for you." Don't judge me and I won't judge you.

    If you're a Mormon and you're on this page and you've read THIS far... all I have to say is good job! Now, if your testimony really is strong and if your faith is actually tried and true and if your church is really so immovable, then think about all you've read here, take it with you and do some research. Your testimony is hard and strong and unbreakable, right? So what can it hurt? If your testimony was harmed by reading anything on here, then you seriously need to ask yourself if you truly believe what you believe or not. - 10/26/2008 - The Laurasaur.


    You don't know what the heck you are talking about!! Top ten reasons why you should actually Check for yourself and not rely on all that others say.

    1. Have you ever made a visit to the church? I din't think so and if you did was it just to play basketball?

    2. Have you ever read the book of Mormon? I didn't think so because if you had you would have got something out of it. And maybe you would see exactly what we do believe. Instead of making stuff up.

    3. It really does not matter what you say, we will know real soon who is wrong and who is right when we are in front of God.

    4. Have you forgotten how this great nation was founded? Have you forgot that we are all brothers and sisters? Have you forgot that we have the right to believe what we want to? Well maybe you should think about that a little bit.

    5. If you remember which I think most of you do that the savior himself taught about how we should judge? Be careful how you judge, you will be judged the same way at the last day.

    6. Have I said anything bad about any other religion at this point? True knowledge comes through pondering and studying that which uplifts and brings peace into our hearts. Pay attention to what you feel the next time you read some anti-Mormon material. See if you feel good aobut yourself making fun of somebody else. How would you like it if we told lies about you and spreaad it to everyone else.

    7.Have you even heard the Prophet speak? Well,its pretty easy to judge somebody before you have meet them. They could be a great person but you have not taken the time to learn and get to know them.

    8.If we truly believe in the same God, then we would know that God does not change and that he still loves us. If we truely believe that all truth comes from him, than why do we all teach different truths? Why are we not in the same place? Is God ruled by confusion? I didn't think so.

    9.Liars shall be thrust down to Hell!! Go ahead lie a little more see where it gets yah. Do you really think that you can stop God's work? 10. Do you really say that you believe in the bible? Because you have no clue what you read and did not understand it. Or you are just hypocrites and can't practice what christ preached so instead you take your anger out on somebody else who can. - 10/18/2008 - by anonimous

    Don't you have anything better to do? What a sad life! - 09/28/2008 - Wow


    you are sick - 08/22/2008 - anon


    Wow, this is a pretty pathetic site. I only found it through an obviously bad search criteria. Won't make THAT mistake again!! - 08/17/2008 - anon


    What a sad,petty, pathetic life your contributors have. Have you ever done anything meaningful? You are so fortunate that God loves you anyway. - 07/29/2008 - anon


    To the last commenter, I think that this is the point of all this, to hurt other people testimonies. This is indeed a tactic that I could see Satan using. Read in the Pearl of Great Price Student Manuel about the signs of the times and False Prophets.... the people who wrote or have in anyway connection of the mocking on this site are going to have a very interesting discussion with Jesus Christ come judgment day as much as I hate the things that have been written here - what they will have to go through will make what I am feeling now a piece of cake. I will never come back to this site, nor will I ever have anything to do with David Letterman!!! I know that the truth I feel comes from the Holy Ghost and so it does not take a college degree to guess where their truth comes from - turn away and ignore them... remember the scripture that God will not be mocked-- leave them in hands.. - 07/19/2008 - Jan San


    These "jokes" arent funny. I dont know who youre trying to impress by showing off with your ignorance towards the Latter-day Saint faith. I know the church is true. I KNOW it. I do not only have the faith, but I have studied and worked hard to earn my knowledge. And your offensive remarks toward something you clearly do not care to understand, cannot, and will not shake a firm foundation being Jesus Christ himself. Why dont you learn a thing or two and read the Book of Mormon before you make fun of it. Maybe then you'll actually know what you are making fun before you make up your own facts. - 06/29/2008 - Connie


    Letterman and his writers are ignorant. If they took the time to see what the LDS church's values are, and what the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches, then they would have the upmost respect and would regret every writing such horrible things. - 04/30/2008 - anon

    Editor's Note: If you think Letterman cares enough about Mormonism to write up any top tens about the cult, you are mistaken.


    Provo, Utah -- BYU President M. Aster Bateman announced in a press conference today that the name of the well-known Mormon issues research entity previously designated F.A.R.M.S. has been changed to "BYU Department of Anthro-apology". The new department will be chaired by Juan DerWeier Maipetersbeen, who has been a the chief spokesmodel for F.A.R.M.S. for the past 27 years. The organization's periodic newsletter title will be changed to "Anthro-apology Today" and subtitled "Hinckley's Believe It or Else!" The website URL will also be changed to: www.icantbelieveitsnotbullshit.com - 03/05/2008 - Blash


    Do you have ANY respect for our religion? And how come its just US you pick on? How come you dont make fun of buddists, or jews, or catholics?? I mean, GET A LIFE!!! ACT YOUR OWN AGE!!! GO TO E-HARMONY FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!! - 03/05/2008 - Imani


    Ha Ha Ha o my gosh this is funny, almost as funny as you burning in hell, Ha Ha Ha come on lets share a laugh huh? - 02/17/2008 - Landon


    wow u really dont know anything about mormons - 02/11/2008 - anon


    You have earned your place in either Hell or Outer darkness depending on how you got to this point.

    Even using evolution you can prove the existence of a supreme being if your mind is open for a moment. The most closed minds are among those who see themselves as open and liberated. The most open among is all are those who can see good in everything and chose that which seems best to live by and promote. Those who seek revenge, are critical, detract, mock, or tear down in any way etc. are negative influences and will be remembered as such by everyone, and will not have significant increase or respect in this world or the world to come. - 11/18/2007 - APositiveInfluence


    Hmmm I see you have a few issues - 11/10/2007 - Tai Foon


    I'm sorry that you don't like the Mormon church. However it is rude for you to be saying such vulgar and inappropriate things about the church. Many on this site have apparently been members, and you know that the things you are posting are obviously not true. The teachings of the church are positive and try to enforce a good life and happiness to its members, and many outside the church as well. I am aware that this is a free country and you are allowed to express your opinions, so I will not try to tell you to stop. I will however say this-that I wholeheartedly disagree with what you are saying about this church. I am sorry that you are bitter about The Mormons and their church, but as I said this is not and appropriate outlet for your negative thoughts and feelings about the church. Please don't be offended by what I am telling you. This is just my opinion, but please think about what I have said. - 10/01/2007 - anon


    With the amount of time you spent making this website you could have done some good in the world - 09/29/2007 - anon


    i dont like this. i dont think its funny. i hope that the light of christ comes back into your lives. your also hurting a lot of other peoples testimonies by posting this. - 06/12/2007 - ananymous


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