Elder Letterman's Mormon Top Ten Lists

One of the most common denials regarding Joseph Smith is that he did not intend to have sex with his 14 year-old bride Helen Mar Kimball.

The fact that Joseph Smith married 14 year-old Helen is undisputed by church apologists. That he did so by promising her family salvation is also accepted by Mormons who know church history.

Yet some still try and argue that because there is no physical evidence of sexual relations between Smith and his bride, that the relationship was merely "dynastic" and was not about sex.

No, there is no stained dress or other physical evidence of a sexual relationship. But the history record is pretty clear what Smith's polygamy was all about.

Here are the top ten reasons why I think Joseph Smith intedned to have sex with his teen bride, Helen Mar Kimball:

1. According to current LDS scripture, sex was the only reason Joseph Smith was commanded to marry virgins "a hundred fold" in this life. See D&C 132:62-63.

2. Smith received this "Divine Law" to only take virgins, which also exempted him from adultery (a sex sin), during the same time he married Helen. He married Helen in May of 1843 and wrote D&C 132 a month later, in June of that same year.

3. There is no recorded revelation during Joseph Smith's lifetime that he should enter into polygamy for dynastic or any other purpose other than "raising up seed." To those who say Smith married Helen for something other than sex, I ask: "where is the revelation?"

4. In the Book of Mormon the Lord expressly forbids polygamy for any other reason than to "raise up seed." See BoM Jacob 24-30. So a dynastic-only marriage would have been a sin.

5. Joseph Smith had sex with his other teen wives, including Fanny Alger, age 16, Sarah Ann Whitney, age 17, Lucy Walker, age 17, and Flora Ann Woodworth, age 16. So why not Helen? (In fact, Smith secretly married Helen in the same month he married Lucy and Flora.)

6. Helen said it was more than just a ceremony. In her own testimony, she wrote "I would never have been sealed to Joseph had I known it was anything more than ceremony. I was young, and they deceived me, by saying the salvation of our whole family depended on it."

7. Joseph Smith did not describe his plural marriages as mere dynastic. He told his close friend and scribe William Clayton that Helen and the other teen girls "were his lawful, wedded wives, according to the celestial order" and "his lawful wives in the sight of Heaven."

8. In Nauvoo, Smith bragged about the pleasure he got from his teen brides, saying one "had given him more pleasure than any girl he had ever enjoyed."

9. Everyone Joseph Smith taught his polygamy doctrine to had sex with their secret brides. None of them thought they were merel dynastic relationships.

10. Those close to Joseph Smith understood he married these women for sex. When Helen's father, Heber C. Kimball, asked Sister Eliza R. Snow the question if she was not a virgin although married to Joseph Smith, she replied, "I thought you knew Joseph Smith better than that."

It's likely that at age 14, Helen was still not physically mature enough to get pregnant. Girls that age in the 19th century did not start menstruating until age 17 to 19.

There is more evidence to suggest that Joseph Smith had sex with his wives than there is that he saw God and Jesus in 1820. If Mormons will believe that story with such weak support, why will they not accept such a strong case for Joseph Smith practicing polygamy as the Lord commanded?

If you read D&C 132 you'll note how it bestows upon Smith the "blessings of Abraham," which, in Mormon theology, was the blessing of endless posterity. The "revelation" goes on to command Smith to "go and do the works of Abraham."

Also, verse 63 gives the *only* reason for Smith to plural marry: "for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment..."

Again, ALL of Smith's statements to those to whom he introduced into polygamy affirmed that the practice was to have sex and children, rather than to care for old widows. Following are several statements from early Mormons which help to explain the concept. Benjamin Johnson was a close follower of Joseph Smith, and the brother of one of Smith's plural wives, Almera Johnson. Benjamin wrote in his journal that Smith had taught:

"The first command was to 'multiply' and the prophet taught us that Dominion and power in the great Future would be commensurate with the number of 'wives children & friends' that we inherit here and that our great mission to earth was to organize a [nucleus] of Heaven to take with us. To the increase of which there would be no end."

Mosiah Hancock, another disciple of Smith, wrote "Bro Joseph said 'the Lord has revealed to me that it is his will that righteous men shall take righteous women even a plurality of wives that a righteous race may be sent forth upon the earth preparatory to the ushering in of the Millenial Reign of our Redeemer---For the Lord has such a high respect for the nobles of his kingdom that he is not willing for them to come through the loins of a careless people.' "

Another example is from the journal of Helen Tracy, who wrote of a conversation between herself, Lorenzo Snow, and apostle Rudger Clawson:

"The Principle was quite a trial to Sister V. K. [Vilate Kimball, wife of apostle Heber Kimball] but she essayed to submit to it and went and chose two very old maids of quite plain and homely appearance for her husband Bro K[imball] spoke to the Prophet Joseph about it and he said, Bro K that arrangement is of the devil you go and get you a young wife one you can take to your bosom and love and raise children by. A man should choose his own wife and one he can love and get children by." (As quoted in "Prisoner for Polygamy: The Memoirs and Letters of Rudger Clawson," p. 12.)

"Birth control----There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles [bodies], now what is our duty?---To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can. This is the reason why the doctrine of plurality of wives was revealed, so that the noble spirits which are waiting for tabernacles might be brought forth." (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 197.)

"We have no indisputable evidence that Smith had sex with the 14-year-old Helen; but considering Smith's sexual activities with other women, including teenagers, there is no reason to believe that he didn't intend to have sex with Helen and produce children, just as he did with others."

"It was common during the polygamy period for men to go ahead and plural marry desirable pre-pubescent girls in order to secure them into their harems and prevent them from marrying other men. Then when the girl had reached puberty, she would begin having babies. This is likely why Helen, even if she did not have sex with Smith, complained about not being able to socialize like other girls her age: it was her after-the-fact realization that she had been deceived into joining Smith's harem, and thus becoming ineligible to be courted by young, single suitors."

a) At the time Smith "plural married" Helen, he had many other women with whom he could have sex with; so he could have kept Helen "in reserve" for the time when she reached puberty, or perhaps when Smith was horny and no other woman happened to be available

b) Smith was killed 13 months after his sealing to Helen, so he simply may not have had the opportunity to consummate their relationship before his death. However, it's a virtual certainty that he would have if he had lived.

The bottom line is that it is futile for Mormon Apologists to argue that Smith's sealing to Helen was "dynastic" or "spiritual" only, in an effort to show that Smith's plural marriages to young girls were proper. Helen's own complaint that she was "deceived" into the sealing, and that she would not have agreed to it if she had known in advance that it was to be anything other than "spiritual," is enough to show the impropriety of Smith's motives and actions.

There's simply no good reason to believe that had he not been killed, Smith would not have had sex with Helen just as he did with his other so-called wives.

9.) While playing with rubber ducky during today's morning bubble bath, decided to replace Temple Square "Christus" statue with new sixteen foot marble statue of himself

8.) New joint First Presidency/Quorum statement “Proclamation on the Seed of Cain” will finally put “myth” of Mormon racism to bed

6.) First Presidency and Twelve just unanimously and enthusiastically approved proposal that all female members henceforth wear newly-designed mouth gags “at all times as part of the holy temple garment”

4.) Two decades of fervent praying finally pays off: Eddie Van Halen drops Sammy Hagar and gets back with Diamond Dave http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=67149

7) All official government prayers could include the phrase 'that we all can get home safely'

5) The President could not only explain things in Layman's terms, but also Lemuel's terms

3) Not only could he pronounce 'Nuclear' but also 'Mahonri Moriancumer' and 'Maher Shalal Hash Baz'.

2) At his inauguration he would swear on the Bible 'as far as it is translated correctly'

I was reading the 'court of love' thing and someone said make a scrapbook of the event. I thought there had to be other creative ways to make it a fun event at the expense of the assembled brethern.

10. Take a camera in to record the proceedings. When they ask why you have a camera, say you are taking pictures to make a scrapbook of this exciting time in your life and ask them if they would like copies.

09. When they start asking question regarding your adultry or indiscretion, ask them if they want a visual demonstration and start stripping.

07. Bring all your friends into the room with you. When they tell you that you can't, you can say..."But these are all the people I did it with too."

04. Bring in the homevideo you created from the event of the act, or bring in your laptop to show them.

03. When they get glum looks on their face and say you are not taking the event seriously, or thinking of the eternal consequences say.."Okay, I'll be serious" then start talking like Donald Duck.

02. When one of them hold there arms to the square and goes to put a curse on you say pointing "and that's how you indicate you would like to make a right turn, a left turn goes like this..."

01. Everytime they ask a question, answer them with a dirty joke. "How often did you sleep with Sister Blank?" "Until 70 times 7"

8. This Finney guy is pretty good. Maybe we can get him to play Elohim next time.

7. I'm adding one more "Be-attitude": Be quiet, dammit, so I can hear the movie.

6. Look, I'm the prophet, and if I want hot butter on my Milk Duds, I'm getting hot butter on my Milk Duds!

5. Yes, Tom, you have already told me about the time you took seven widows to see The Sound of Music.

4. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't like the decaffeinated Dr. Pepper?

3. Well, yeah, "Amazing Grace" is kind of catchy, but I like that one "I Know that My Redeemer Lives." Maybe we could make a movie about that one, too.

2. We really wanted to include it in the hymnbook, but really, what were we supposed to cut? In Our Lovely Deseret? If You Could Hie to Kolob? Sorry, but nobody in their right mind would do that.

6. Well at least this isn't as boring as the temple film and I HAVE POPCORN. Again why are my shoes sticking to the floor?

5. Projector room attendant: "Sir you can't be here." GBH: Isn't this the small room for me to pound my pud, erh I mean converse with the lord?

2. All of the seats look the same. Where's the prophet's seat? I'm Special damn it!

1. After the movie his family asked how was it. "I don't know much about it. I was there but I think it was more of a TV show then a movie."

5. You go get him some more fiber wafers don't forget to call it "POPCORN" when you give it to him.

3. GBH: "Did you bring a condom?" AID: "Why this isn't one of your hard core pornos." GBH: "CRAP!"

2. AID 1: "Did you go out and warm up his "limo"?" AID 2: "You mean the ford escort?"

1. Oh no he's having another "revelation". I'll get a diaper, you get the wipes and spray.

8. I was just following the Lord's admonition to become as a little child--a really horny little child.

7. It's been revealed to me that I won't live longer than 85 years, so I have to make the best use of my time to raise up seed unto the Lord.

5. Well, if she were any younger, those folks at FARMS would have a hard time justifying it.

4. It's not my fault that even the teenagers find an overweight prophet with a limp and chipped teeth incredibly hot.

1. An angel came down with a flaming sword and ... oh, never mind. No one would believe that one.

Gordo B Hinckley is such a PR guy, I'm surprised he can't figure out how to make a few changes that would make the church seem more loving, up to date and less cultlike:

1. Change the stupid missionary dress code to business casual. My hell, the kids look like they're from a cult.

2. Do something about the horrible temple marriage program. Have a fun public marriage with dancing, food, laughter, celebration, etc. The temple part of it should be done in private and not talked about.

3. The Word of Wisdom needs a total re-write. Certainly coffee and tea have certain health benefits compared to say ice cream, root beer and funeral potatoes.

4. Make the temples look less like a Disneyland building. Every time I drive by the one in San Diego I cringe and wonder where the Angel Moroni learned to play a horn.

5. Relax the Sunday dress code. To me, the current look is from the "Close to Home" cartoon. A bit goofy, cheap, worn out and old fashioned.

6. Quit selling and promoting the stupid Book of Mormon and bury it like they have polygamy. The real key to realizing the church is bogus is the whole Lamanite/Jesus organized his church here in America claim. Puleeeeze!!

7. Quit excommunicating and disfellowshipping professors, scholars, feminists, etc., who don't follow the party line. It smacks of nazi-like behavior and control.

8. Bury the Doctrine & Covenants and Pearl of Great Price. Talk about a lot of whacko embarrasing and irrelevant bs.

10. Get more young/dynamic and up to date leadership. The men at the top are mostly dinosaurs and out of touch.

10. Instead of wasting time having deacons walking around passing out sacrament trays with bread and water, bread pellets will now be show from rapid fire rifles at the congregation. A fire hose will also be inserted to spray down the group.

09. Prayers will be limited to one minute with an electrical shock set up in the pulpit to go off if someone rambles on.

08. Testimonies will also be limited to a minute, with a trigger to turn on the electrical shock if the person doesn't stick to just bearing testimony about the Church, Joseph Smith, the Current Prophet. (still haven't decided if it's okay to mention Jesus or not without a shock)

07. Music will no longer be used when singing the sacrament hymns. Forget any music entirely for that matter.

06. Letting kids in nursery color is strictly forbidden now. Scriptures will be read to the kids the whole time. They will be tied down with duct tape over their mouths to quiet the screaming.

05. Ward Socials will now be limited to 15 minutes. You eat, you clean up, you go home

04. Talks that deviate into personal stories will also receive the electrical shock.

03. Bishopric Members will be issued stun guns to encourage people to stop sitting in the Foyer and get to class.

02. Blessing of babies will give a name, and the blessing will be the same for each child. That they will stay faithful to the church and encourage people to join as they get older. Anything about marriage or health, etc. are forbidden.

01. Any cuddling where a spouse might put their arm around a family member is frowned upon because it could drive out the spirit. Anyone caught talking to their spouse or whispering during the meeting will be taken out and shot on the spot.

06. Church is healthier. You get more exercise trying to keep your toddlers and kids quiet than you do from sex.

05. You can leave in the middle of it to go grab a DQ Blizzard and then come back if you want.

03. You don't have to be concerned about accidently yelling out your secret girlfriends name during the middle of it.

First, he implants in each human a sense of justice, and then places us in an unfair society.

Second, he ingrains a sense of perfection, an ultimate 'rightness', or a way things should be, when we are born into an obviously less than perfect environment.

Third, he gives us the ability to learn just enough to come to the conclusion we know nothing of any value.

Fifth, he gives us the joy of children, only to have us fail at comforting them with definitive answers to questions we have yet to find answers for ourselves.

Sixth, he gives us the ability to love deeply, only to watch the loved one fade and die.

Seventh, he gives us the drive to put bounds (beginning and end) on an endless (infinite) situation.

Eighth, he showers us with the joy and beauty of nature, only to watch it turn violent for no apparent reason.

Tenth, he is hiding and never makes an attempt to show himself to a suffering race who can not decide if there is a god, who he is, what he wants, who he likes and if he is worth dying for.

A loving God???? IF (and I highly stress if) there is a god, it sounds more like a set-up to me.

8. I'm angry, and I don't want to admit it's because I wasn't breastfed as a child.

6. Even though our world is overrun with murders, suicides, paedofiles, rapists and thieves, I thought it would be good to focus my hate on the REAL problems in America.

4. Even though everything Mormons practice is in the Bible, that doesn't mean you should practice it!

3. I'm tired of the Mormons saying there is one true church when it's obvious that the body of Christ is 30,000 different churches that disagree with one another.

10. Hoop Heaven - The basketball hoops symbolize the many hoops of dogma that the Moron clueless must jump throo before being granted entry into the -- knock -- knock -- knock -- Seal-estial Kingdumb. When you launch yourself throo the hoop, be careful that your green apron and baker's hat don't get caught on those little basket hooks.

9. White Trash Warehouse - Where people who gave all of their extra money to a huge multi-national corporation headquartered in Salt Lake City (and therefore cannot afford to rent a classier venue) convene to sell-a-brate the pre-programmed and relatively uneventful union of one robot offspring with another robot offspring, hopefully a robot who has a mating connector type. Unions with robots who have the same gender connectors types are not only discouraged, but constitoot grounds for expulsion from any access to the White Trash Warehouse. Robotic unions without the possibility of producing additional little robots are not tolerated within the White Trash Warehouse.

7. Moron Hall - Why did the Big Moron fall off the cliff, but the Little Moron did not? Because he was a Little Moron. (I remember that from grade school.....)

6. Sportsmanship Hall of Shame - Come to blows with your brethren during basketball and then sit in Elder's Quorum like you're friends.

5. Haul Hall - For hauling out several hundred steel folding chairs prior big events and then hauling them back under the stage.

4. Back Board Hall - aka -- Back Bored Hall -- The back bored symbolizes the plight of the Moron sisters who are pre-consigned to an eternity of bein g forced to lie on their backs like missionaries, and enduring procreation rituals that, frankly, get painfully boring after the umpteen zillionth celestial intercourse with the penishood cum-panion. Back bored. The two word description of the celestial kingdumb for Moron sisterhoods.

3. Hell Hall - What the hall should be named, because of what the Happy Couple is about to endure when they get married too young without any money or any means of decent support, and who will have a baby in 5 months (because you should get married before the baby shows) and who won't have any healthcare insurance and who will end up being supported by gainfully employed taxpayers.

2. Green Jello Hall - Pot luck. What do the sisters call it when their eternal cum-panion is 200 pounds overweight? Pot fuck.

1. Wreck Hall - I'm trying to remember what the Morons used to call the "Cultural Hall" before renaming it. Recreation Hall? Procreation Hall? Rec Hall? Wreck Hall?

#10 - Bug the shit out of all the TBM's (True Believing Mormons) around you by acting like you're a Baptist. Yell out "Amen" and "Praise the Lord" in sarcastic tones throughout the session.

#9 - Play the "I Know" drinking game. Stock up on your favorite elixir and take a shot everytime someone says the phrase "I Know". You'll be shit faced before the end of the first session.

#8 - Re-enact King Benjamins days by setting up a tent in your living room or in the overflow at church. Despite the desire to do otherwise, the tent door must be pointed towards the screen.

#7 - Show up at the Conference Center with your Temple Packet. Let the Holy Spirit guide you.

#6 - Host a Conference Party for all of your TBM friends at Hooters. They have great party rooms and the best chicken wings around.

#5 - Insist on turning the volume down really low so you can still hear the whisperings of the Spirit. How can anyone hear what God has to say with all of that racket?

#4 - Bring a laser pointer with you to Conference. Annoy millions of people around the world all at the same time.

#3 - Sneak up to the front and saturate the cushiony chairs of the 12 and First Presidency with the liquid of your choice. They'll be some Soggy Bottom Seers!

#2 - During the 2nd session as members are being brainwashed err I mean asked to vote on something they have no control over, voice your discontent with the G.A. of your choice. Then as all Hell breaks loose say, "April Fools!". (This only works for April Conference.)

#1 - In the middle of the last session, announce with a megaphone that Christ just returned to the earth and is holding a press conference on T.V. right at this very moment.

10. You visit temple square with your kids to help them understand their ancestors, and spend most of the time there rolling your eyes, shaking your head or cringing.

9. You realize that during the past few years, "mystery" and "paradox" have become the most important words in your Mormon vocabulary, and feel sophisticated for a while.

8. You realize that absolute certainty based on mystery and paradox makes no sense whatsoever.

7. You get mad when an intellectual Mormon friend tells you that absolute certainty based on mystery and paradox is the most wonderful paradoxical mystery he has ever heard of, and that you should start speaking at Sunstone and write an essay for FAIR.

6. You are suprised by your feelings of empathy for the male leads in Brokeback Mountain.

5. You learn the history of Mormon tithing, realize that there are lots of ways to calculate your annual "interest" or "income" for tithing purposes, that many of these calculations end in "zero", that this accounting is entirely between you and God, and wonder if buying a vacation property for your family might be possible after all.

4. It occurs to you that the doctrine of prophetic fallibility means that prophets might be wrong about everything instead of just what they have been proven to be wrong about.

3. You realize that the fact that Mormon prophets have been found to be deceptive or mistaken about many important things means that they probably were deceptive or mistaken about other important things.

2. A colleague at work hits you up to come to an Amway presentation, and you realize that you used all the same tones of voice, facial expressions and half truths the last time you tried to invite a friend over to meet the missionaries.

1. You go to an Amway meeting, find half your Mormon friends there and think you have walked through the looking glass into some kind of bizarro testimony meeting.

10. You realize that there are "other" political parties that you can vote for, other than the Republican Party or in Canada the Conservative Party.

9. That it just might be a good thing that you daughter's English teacher is a self professed lesbian activists, and engages the students minds.

8. You stop judging the cashier at Wal-Mart because she has a row of piercings down her ear and eyebrow.

7. You wonder if there is any way that you can receive a refund of tithing from the Mormon church, because they would gladly refund an unhappy member.

5. You stop addressing members by "Brother, Sister, Bishop and President" and address members by their real names.

4. You cringe in Sunday school when "Faith promoting rumours" are taught and accepted as fact.

3. You take an American History class in college and realize that all these things you had been taught about Joseph Smith being so visionary actually grow out of his contemporary society.

For example, the "Word of Wisdom", the temple ceremony, the House of Israel in Early America, American Indians being descendants of Hebrews, free love, the Civil War beginning in South Carolina, the constitution being ordained by God, dreams and visions, communal religious living, and on and on. - by Searcher68

2. You go to Sacrament Meeting September 16th 2001 expecting the Prophet to weigh in on the first act of foreign agression on American soil (Hawaii wasn't a state in 1941). Instead you hear about the ward temple night and the importance of tithing (for the sixth week in a row).

1. You follow the advice of Moroni and literally ask God if the Book of Mormon is NOT TRUE, and your subconcious mind answers, YES, IT's Not True! Then you ask yourself if it's all false and suddenly all the unanswered questions have answers. - by Alma the Tonguer

67. You actually type "Mormon history" into Google and read the results. - JW the Inquizzinator

66. You forget to set your clock to daylight savings time and miss the first hour of church.

65. You decide a light drizzle makes the roads too hazardous to drive the half mile to church.

64. You think maybe you will wear to church the gag tie you got as an office Christmas present.

63. You plan vacations so you're away two Sundays and there is no LDS church within a hundred miles or more.

62. You follow up a statement by the gospel doctrine teacher with, "Why?"and everyone looks at you like you just swore.

61. You follow up a statement by the gospel doctrine teacher with, "But where's Jesus in all this?" and everyone looks at you like you're an apostate.

60. Someone spouts pseudo-doctrine and, instead of just nodding in agreement, you ask her to back it up with scripture.

59. When you respond to someone pontificating with, "That's just LDS culture, not doctrine."

58. When you respond to someone's pontificating with, "That's just policy, not doctrine."

57. You start responding to priesthood or Relief Society assignments by quoting D&C 121:39

56. You realize the other members, with whom you have so much in common, bore the living crap out of you.

54. You're in the middle of giving a lesson or bearing testimony and you think, "Wait, do I really believe that?"

53. You realize you laugh when you should cry and cry when you should laugh because you don't really know anymore how you feel about anything. - by Stray Mutt

52. You realize that because you live in Utah, you now HATE to shop on Saturdays. "Saturday is a special day" pisses you off because it means traffic and congested lines at the supermarket.

You realize that because you live in Utah, you now LOVE to shop on Sundays! There is just the right amount of pleasant shoppers in each store. All races, walks of life, and just genuine people who smile and don't judge!

51. Seeing awkward white mesh underwear through people's clothes, or sticking OUT of their clothes, is getting CREEPY!

50. The Discovery & History channels, PBS, BBC, NOVA, & NPR are suddenly interesting and not necessarily misguided because of their ignorance of certain "gospel truths".

49. Your tongue is EXCITED about being virgin to a million delicious foods, drinks, and substances; which can now be wonderfully balanced substitutes for the high sugar diet of which you've become accustomed.

48. People no longer have to be classified or quickly judged. They're just people. They have intentions, motivations, dreams, failures, short-comings etc. There may NOT be a quick fix for everyone: the former one-size-fits-all solution of dipping them in water, waiting a year, and dressing them up in a tacky costume to learn sacred secrets doesn't mean their problems will magically disappear.

47. It's immediately apparent why the Chicken Dance and Hokey-Pokey were the only songs that would come to mind when you used to go to the temple.

46. When faithful adherents & apologists talk about logic and reason they sound like pre-school children trying to explain the theory of relativity. - by High Rum

45. You're teaching the gospel doctrine class and bored with the lesson material so you ask a related thought-provoking question and are met with a room full of blank stares from highly-educated people. Rarely, if ever, does anyone offer up something interesting in response and this causes you to ask YOURSELF more questions.

44. Your chocolate consumption escalates dramatically every Sunday as soon as you get home from church. Eventually, you can't wait until you get home so you bring it with you in the car.

43. You say to yourself, "I can't believe they just said that!" way too many times during any church meeting.

42. On a regular basis during the first hour of the 3-hour block you map out a plan in your head for the quickest and least visible escape route as soon as that meeting's over.

41. Over time you stop considering escape routes and simply get up in the middle of the meeting and go home.

40. You finally decide you're going to stop trying to "fit in" with the clothes you wear and wear whatever the hell you want.

39. You do the best "deep cleaning" of your house on Sundays after church as a way to get back some kind of control in your life. - by Some Lady

38. You try every April and October to make sense out of what Boyd K. Packer said, and then one day you realize you are wasting your time and energy. - by Metatron

37. You realize that being proud of being "a peculiar people" is really peculiar.

36. It hits you that a religion that refuses to open its financial records, is probably a corporation, not a church.

35. You decide that having every minute of your life controlled by a batch of white haired old bigots is not really a pleasant way to live. - by Buntaro

34. You take a geology class and realize that people who think the earth is 6000 years old haven't been paying attention.

33. You take a class in philosophy and realize that you have nothing against homosexuality other than it says in the Bible that it's wrong, but still can't find the verse.

32. You take a class in religion and find out that putting up a statue of the 10 commandments is a self-contradiction. Hint: don't worship statues.

31. You realize you could have had a lot more sex and a lot less guilt. - by T-bone

30. You realize that Joseph Smith lied his sorry arse off and can't stop laughing.

29. You have no problem calling JS a lying little bugger, and skirt chaser, who sold a hoax and BYoung was as bad or worse.

28. Driving by the church bldg/or temple gives you the creeps and you make a vow to never enter again.

25. You refuse to give the LDS church one more cent or one more minute of your time.

24. You realize that the BOM is fiction, the Book of Abraham is an embarrassment, D&C 132 needs to be trashed, and the lying old geezers at the top apparently can't remember a thing when interviewed on TV.

23. You talk about history of the church from their own sources and every True Believing Mormon you know says: "I never heard of that" accusing you of lying.

22. You laugh at yourself thinking about how you played dress-ups in that silly, goofy temple garb.

20. You are happy to inviting the tracting missionaries in for a little talk :-)

19. You have no trouble telling people that you are not a believer and resigned your membership. - by SusieQ#1

18. You use your temple recommend as ID to get into a bar! I actually did this. - by JenniG

17. You suddenly realize that people who drink coffee and beer are NORMAL - not EVIL.

14. Going to a 2 hour movie on Sunday with your family seems more spiritual and uplifting than attending the 3 hour block.

13. The word "Fuck" now seems like one of the most useful words in the English language instead of one of the most profane. (And by now you don't give a flying fuck who sees your family going to a Sunday movie!)

12. Looking for garment lines seems completely creepy, but you can help that you still do--and you hate that about yourself! - by On my way out

11. Someone asks you what church you go to (or what religion you are), and you are embarrassed to answer!

10. You start feeling patronizing and slightly superior to the folks in your ward, not caring *at all* when they show their disdain for you (for whatever reason like, not being married.

9. You begin to see Stake Conference and General Conference weekends as "days off."

8. You sleep in on Sunday, miss your meetings---and don't care one whit! - by Deenie, the dreaded single adult

7. You find your middle finger involuntarily but vigorously extending as you drive by the local Mo'chapel. - by Polygamy Porter

6. You schedule your golf game so as to be on the fairway your neighbors can see as they drive to church so you can wave.

5. You forget which Sunday Daylight Savings Time changes because you have nowhere to be at a certain time.

4. You order a beverage with alcohol in it while at dinner, a mormon you know stops by your table to say hi and you don't even think to say, "Oh, it's virgin."

3. You couldn't care less if you get a brown paper bag for your purchase from the state operated liquor store.

2. You sit outside at Starbucks not caring if someone you know from the Morg (Mormon Church) drives by.

1) Authority and Control - Dissent and even questions are discouraged, we are allowed to think for ourselves but we are not allowed to voice that opinion. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Just my presenting this list could theoretically put my church membership in jeopardy.

2) Whitewashed History - The history and doctrines we teach in church are so sanitized that when we encounter our real history we go into shock (at least I did for a while).

3) Nosey - I think the church should let people run their own lives a little more and stop getting into their business (ie. home teachers checking to see if your saying your family prayers, bishops prying into your marital sex life).

4) Gullible - This problem stems from the authority problem above. We are so used to absoute obedience from those in the church heirarchy that we have become targets for scam artists. How many MLM businesses have originated here in Utah.

5) Attitude - Our Holier than thou Attitude turns us into snobs and we often disrespect or ostrasize those of other faiths. Living in Utah for non-mormons can be quite tramatic. We don't have exclusivity on the truth even though we would like to think we do.

6) Tithing - To me it resembles the old catholic system of paying up so our sins get washed away. In our case if you don't pay a full tithe then you don't get a temple recommend, therefore to enjoy the full privileges of mormonhood you must pay up. This should become optional but of course recommended. I also feel that our tithing requirement hits the poor the hardest since they have little or no desposable income and that extra 10 percent off the top just puts them in a more precarious position (note that the state of Utah has one of highest personal bankruptcy numbers in the nation).

7) Crazy Doctrines - Things like polygamy should be completely expunged from the church, we have removed the practice now lets remove the doctrine (sec. 132 D&C). Doctrines like these only further reinforce in non-mormons minds why we should be labeled as a cult like the FLDS.

8 ) Guilt and Shame - We are a culture of guilt and shame. We are always under pressure to perform and our numbers need to be good (hometeaching stats, convert baptisms, etc...). If I miss church for a few weeks I'm looked upon as "inactive", the pressure is real. My mission president said his wife became very depressed because she felt that she could never live up to expectations. Can I say Prozac?

9) Warm Fuzzies - We teach that emotional responses are perfectly good at teaching and validating truth. To some degree what other method is there for establishing a testimony? But I've seen people make some pretty poor decisions in the real world just because a certain "spirit" told them it was the right thing to do. Instead they should have researched their decision further using time tested methods of reason, logic and common sense.

10) Culture and Politics - We need to separate our culture from our doctrines. In Utah this is more evident than anywhere else. We also need to remain politically neutral, I know the church subscribes to this point of view but we need to do better at it.

11) Hypocrisy and Materialism and Appearances - Supposed to be the top 10 but I have to throw just one more in. If we are going to profess to be mormons then lets not be hypocrites. Seeing mormon stores selling alcohol for the love of filthy lucre is hypocrisy in my books. Also the attitude that God wants us to succeed financially so that we can help build the kingdom is used a lot by mormons who have only one thing on their mind, money. Instead of building fancy meetinghouses, temples, shopping malls lets get out there and help those who really need it.

Closely tied to this is our judging those by their appearances, and our paranioa with our own images which is partly a result of number 8 above. I've seen a lot of good mormons but also a lot of two faced people within the church as well.

Ok to be perfectly fair some of these problems are not the church per say but the people in the church. However, I feel that the church or the culture created by the church helps to foster these problems within the membership.

10.) "Some Friends of Mammon They Were: How Not Even Paying Millions To A New York Public Relations Firms Could Help Sell Our Fraudulent Cult"

6.) "For and In Behalf of Niccolo Machiavelli: How I Survived 75 Years In Mormon Bureaucracy and Leadership and Came Out on Top"

4.) "How I Singlehandedly Destroyed the Momentum We Had Under Benson and Helped Start Mormonism On The Long Slide To Regional Rump-Sect-dom"

2.) "A Visual Guide to All the Multi-Million Dollar Monuments I've Built to Myself Over the Past Decade While Many Of Our Members Are Going To Bed Hungry"

10) You Can't Drive Your Car to Its Final Destination If You're Always Looking in the Mirror to Put on Make-up: Fun Facts That Just Aren't Helpful

6) If you can't find a "Great and Spacious Building', Build One...and Other Practical Axioms

5. Hiding Income From The IRS--A Guide To Non-profit Organizations On How To Do It.

4. Sunday Mornings With Gordy-My Most Memorable Talks With Joseph - I Mean Jesus!

1. Preparing For Immortality-How To Get Your Name On As Many Things As Possible.

9. There's nothing more dramatic at a Fast and Testimony meeting than an amputee who struggles to the podium to announce how grateful he or she is for God's great blessings.

8. With amputees around, people don't notice the delusional old geezers who run the church.

7. The church's investment in the prosthetics industry has been a steady revenue stream, and God isn't about to ruin it.

6. If He healed them, it would just be one more thing for Monson to take credit for.

4. He's saving up for a really big miracle, like the Astros winning the World Series.

3. He's a little squeamish about repairing injuries since that icky incident with the soldier's ear.

1. He figures that if he heals amputees, people are going to start asking for more, like an end to disease and poverty. And heaven knows we can't have that.

7. Once I finished the "Work and the Glory" series, there was nothing left for me.

6. Since the FARMS and FAIR stuff I read didn't make any sense, I realized that I clearly wasn't smart enough to be a Mormon.

5. Some Canadian pop singer told me I should leave. I'm a sheep. What can I say?

2. I couldn't stop giggling every time we sang, "Come, Ye Children of the Lord."

8) Was a Ward Chorister when we had that silly hymn practice mtg....no respect, just no respect.

3) Thought the church had lost its "edginess" when I no longer had to promise to slit my throat if talked about the endowment outside the temple.

10. The smell of cheap hair spray and White Shoulders in the Relief Society room gave me a headache.

6. If I was going to have underwear that went up my crack I'd rather it be a thong than garments.

4. I hate making cheesy crafts, scrap booking and learning to cook cheap meals using ground wheat, powdered milk, and Velveeta.

3. I didn't consider sitting through a MLM presentation a prerequisite for being invited to dinner.

9. You Need All the Friends You Can Get: A History of LDS-Jewish Relations, by Daniel Peterson

8. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Mesoamerican Archaeology, by the Maxwell Institute

4. Teeth for Temples and Other Stories of Faith and Sacrifice, by James E. Faust

2. Making Enrichment Night Meaningful and Other Fantasies, by the General Relief Society Board

1. The Secrets of My Success: Empty Platitudes and a Selective Memory, by Gordon B. Hinckley

3) Mormon Pro-choice (except in the cases of polygamy, abortion, special exemptions apply, not available in all states)

1) Some history is just not useful...inquire within for a list of what to ignore.

8. Crickets, officer. I was just attacked by a swarm of crickets that ate away every shred of clothing. Where are those seagulls when you really need them.

7. Good afternoon, Officer, I'm on my way to the temple for my washing and annointing.

4. I'm on my way to shoot a new temple endowment movie at the BYU Studios, I'm starring as Adam.

9. Maybe if I go back, one of those angels with flaming swords will force me to have sex with somebody.

5. I figure it's just a matter of time before I get the new name "Jehoshaphat," and then I can die a happy man.

4. Here in Texas, you just feel naked without that extra cotton layer, especially in the summer.

3. Without the church in my life, none of my non-Mormon friends and colleagues say, "Holy shit, you don't really believe that, do you?" anymore.

10.) It's been hard living without the invaluably insightful guidance only found in monthly high councilman talks

9.) I've been getting way too much sleep since I stopped getting up at 5 AM to teach early morning seminary

8.) Annual ward Christmas dinner menu of creamed corn, slice of canned unseasoned ham, and green jello with banana slices inside too good to miss for another year

7.) I feel "unsafe" now that my every thought, word, feeling, decision and action isn't being dictated by church leaders

6.) Home teaching: I didn't realize what an absolute blast it was until I stopped

5.) I miss singing any three of the same eight hymns out of a 300 page hymnbook every single Sunday

3.) Impossible to find that invigorating Elder's Quorum room smell anywhere else

2.) I haven't unfolded and then chewed on a little wax paper sacrament cup for over three years

1.) "Because without Mormonism, nothing makes sense and no one would know right from wrong, and society would collapse and it's a great way to raise your kids and it's my heritage"

1. A real translation of the papyri Smith used to produce the Book of Abraham would be similar to what is in the Perl of Great Price.

2. Native American DNA would show definite signs of an Israeli/Jewish connection.

3. Modern church leaders would have enough power of discernment to not be deceived by dangerous con men like Mark Hoffman.

4. Abusive amateur dictators that serve as Bishops, Stake Presidents and General Authorities would be released after they spiritually harmed a member of the church.

5. The saving ordinances in the temple would never change, just as Joseph Smith and Brigham Young taught.

6. Teachings and prophesies from the pulpit at General Conference by the prophets would be in harmony, since they all are anointed mouthpieces for the same unchanging, all-knowing, perfect God.

7. The MTC, BYU and other church-operated institutions would be shining examples of the principle of free agency.

8. Joseph Smith would have been able to find the first 116 "lot pages" of the original BoM translation, or at least have known they would never be found, thus demonstrating at least some divine guidance.

9. The various personal accounts by Joseph Smith of his "first vision" would not contradict the "official" church version today.

10. Journal accounts by faithful members would describe Smith's practice of polygamy as being in harmony with the revelation governing that doctrine.

As a True Believing Mormon, I naively expected the above items to back up the church's story. Taken individually, you can come up with an excuse for why each one doesn't support the church's claims. But taken as a whole, it matches up with only one explanation... the church is an elaborate hoax.

With Smithmas here, I'm sure all of us are thinking about how thankful we are for Good Old Joe! Since Smithmas is all about the presents, most of the formal celebrating takes place on Smithmas Eve. In honor of Joe, here we go:

10. Play a classic game of "Hide the 116". Similar to hiding the Afikomen during Seder, this one teaches the kids what Smithmas is all about in a fun and care free way. Just be sure you remember where you stashed them so you can play again next year!

9. Nothing says Smithmas like re-enacting Joe's Leg Surgery. My sons love it when I hold them tightly, offer them booze and then inflict severe pain on them. How will they ever know how great Joe was unless they connect on a very real level?

8. An all time favorite has to be the "Buried Treasure Hunt". Choose from a variety of folk magic implements and fulfil your destiny! Seer Stones, Peep Stones, Divining Rods, it's all good. Be sure you con someone into paying you for your services first though. Hours of fun!

7. A Classic Read for a Classy Guy! Don't forget to read all about the Smiths, Joe's birth, childhood and divine calling through the eyes of his Mother. Don't let the blurred lines and visions of Joe Sr. bother you. The Church is True!

6. Now it's time for the "Golden Plate Relay Race"! Two teams take the field and it's a race to see who can finish the relay race the quickest. You get to decide between a historically correct set of plates or the kind that Emma could have moved around her house on her own.

5. It's not Hide and Seek, it's "Hide and Seer"! This game challenges even the most gifted seers of our generation. Pick your favorite Seer Stone, drop it in your favorite hat, stick your head in that hat . . . and let the light show you the way! No peeking, only peeping!

4. After the kids are asleep, it's time for that all time favorite . . . "Adultery, Smith Style"! Send one of your guests to the store or on some other errand and get to work. You must seduce their spouse before they get back or there'll be trouble. If all else fails, just say you received revelation.

3. Before the night gets too far along, be sure to have your "Smithmas Cocktail". Wine, Beer, Whiskey. . . anything goes. This is the one time of year it's ok to drink. You may only drink up until you act out the Martyrdom of Joe though, after that everyone gets really anal and decides that you're bad if you do it at all.

2. This event takes place right before the culminating event of the night. We call it . . . "What is that?" This game is played like the traditional telephone game and whatever comes out on the end gets put into your own personal Temple Ceremony. Need a new name? "What is that?". Need secret words to get into Heaven? "What is that?" Fun and effective!

1. The culminating event of the evening is the acting out of the "Martyrdom of Joe". Take off your garments for this one and arm yourself with a six shooter . . . this is one lamb going to the slaughter that isn't taking shit from anyone! I can't remember, but did Jesus arm himself when he went as a Lamb to the slaughter? What a pompous piece of shit Joe was to compare himself to Christ.

9. Studded leather garments (anciently it was made of skins, after all), for severe masochists who want to look awful as well as feel awful.

6. "Teachings of the prophets" thongs, embossed with quotes from the brethren. Example: "I think no more of taking a wife than I do of buying a cow"--Heber C. Kimball.

5. Church Historian's beginner's bondage kit--Comes with handcuffs (to keep prying hands away from your "vault"), blindfold (to prevent anyone from seeing the truth), and gag (to keep the disgruntled from spilling the beans).

3. "The Mormon Book of Roleplay and Fantasy"--You'll have fun going through the naughty scenarios, such as, Virginal coed meets lecherous apostate at the gym; Joseph meets a plural wife, but will Emma find out?

6. Adam and Eve role play kit complete with an apple and fig leaf aprons. You provide your own snake.

4. New Noni Juice aphrodisiac - guaranteed to give you the mojo of old Brigham himself. Sold only at the Beehive House.

3. Edible garments, available in the Saint's favorite flavors: lime jello, vanilla ice-cream, macaroni salad, and FARMS special, Krispy Kreme

2. Joseph Smith vibrator: to be used a few times and then passed to another sister in the ward, then another, then another, then another...

8. The Oliver Cowdery Beer set with free Jack Daniels - So you can see the Golden plates and believe Joe was a prophet (JD will also allow you to believe GBH is one too.)

7. The angle Moroni penis extender - Makes your temple look taller and sanctified!

6. The temple recommend interview role playing game - Be the bishop or the unsuspecting wife. You get to ask questions like "Do you Masturbate?", "Where?" and "How Much?".

5. Joseph Smith blow up doll - You too can marry the profit. (Disclaimer: Not responsible if doll is found in other women's bedrooms)

3. Missionary style handbook - All the positions you can't do. Also included is the twenty two volume set of LDS apologetics sex positions handbooks - You never know what position to take and the instructions are boring, long, confusing and keep changing.

2. Robert Millet dvd video PORNO - Instead of Porn Bob gives you the answer to the question you should have asked. Note: DVD is the portrayal of the Church approved version of the first vision.

1. Book of Abraham (By his own hand) masturbation manual - Written my Joseph Smith 2000 years after he died.

10. Handcrafted replica of the wooden window box Joseph Smith used to store the gold plates--$99.95. For $150 more, includes a replica of the plates that you can see with your spiritual eyes if you pray really hard (results not guaranteed).

9. Refrigerator-magnet "Guilt Trip Wheel"--$34.95. A perfect companion to family home evening wheels, chore wheels, and other reminders to fulfill the daily requirements of Mormonism.

8. Hand-turned, polished replica of President Hinckley's walking cane, engraved with the inspiring words "I don't know that we teach it"--$250.

7. A set of four gold fillings from a third-world church member, mounted over an etching of the temple of your choice, with an engraved plate reading "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven"--$189.95.

6. Exquisite "Richard G. Scott" alarm clock. Wakes you each morning with the gentle voice of the beloved apostle: "If you haven't already awoken, I plead with you to do so now." Includes special setting for those who have trouble sleeping; just push the "Slumber" button, and you'll hear random excerpts from Elder Scott's talks; you'll be asleep in no time!--$249.95.

5. "Book of Mormon Evidence" coffee table book, including full color photos of "NHM," tapirs in their natural habitat, and Mayan obsidian clubs. Includes 250 blank pages for you to insert additional evidence as it is discovered by scientists--$69.95.

4. "Clue: Thomas Monson edition." The popular mystery game has been updated to involve scenarios where players follow clues to discover which act of selfless service President Monson did. You'll have hours of fun discovering that President Monson gave the canary to the widow in the largest ward in the church, or that he gave the train set to the disheveled boy in the poor part of Provo.--$79.95.

3. Gingerbread creations: choose from the conference center and either of the two downtown Salt Lake malls--$2,000 (price subject to change).

2. CTR earrings (one pair per customer, please). This simple yet stunning set will show the world that you are indeed marriage material because you follow the prophet!--$124.95.

1. LDS scientific calculator. This is the same calculator used by church headquarters to show increases in membership each year (even when there aren't any); you'll be like the Kirtland Bank and discover hidden treasures in your accounts using this calculator (note: we are not responsible for any errors in calculations).

More Top Ten LDS Gift Items This Year

10) Replica faux wood hand cart, some assembly required. Great for the garden, for those EQ moving details, or for bringing in cold hard cash for tithing settlement. $189.99

9) Mountain Meadows Massacre shooting range. This replica of the site will "WOW" the young lads on the block. This electronic shooting gallery runs on AA batteries and comes with optional 'pop-up' Fancher party members. Extra points given for hitting the running children. $279.99

8) Scene It: The Temple Version. Answer questions about worthiness interviews, or select scenes for actual endowment ceremonies and guess which version it comes from. Choose your piece to move around the board...be Bro Joseph, or Brigham Young, or maybe the fiesty Protestant Preacher from the endowment ceremony (pre-1990). $49.99

7) The Lego "Build your own Mall" Game. The toddlers will love this one. Over 2 billion pieces, one for each dollar spent. $199.99

6) The Parley P. Pratt Collector's Edition Bowie Knife. Honed to a razor's edge and ready for "stickin'". Genuine NW Arkansas Oak handle. Full tang. Hector McLean sheath sold seperately. $79.99

5) The Joseph Smith Reformed Egyptian Kaleidoscope. Hold it up to the light and give it a turn. The kids will love it. Turn it once, and you see words appear. Turn it again and the words change...$12.99. Binocular version set in a pair of sterling silver bows....$1,499.99

4) The 1st Edition LDS Proclamation machine. It faxes, it scans, it prints....want a proclamation on what you can and can't drink under the WoW, just print it out. Need to know what you can and can't watch on TV on Sundays... "proclamate" it! $149.99

3) The Joseph Smith "Eureka Shovel". Looking for a gift for that 'hard to buy for' person...look no further. The Joseph Smith "Eureka" shovel is just for you. With its patented, built in metal detector you'll have loads of fun finding 'buried treasure' in your neighborhood. Who knows WHAT you'll dig up...maybe you'll start your own religion too. Batteries not included. Results may vary. $34.99

2) The Emma Smith CSI Kit. Wondering what that good-for-nothing spouse of yours is up to? Now you can sleep at night. This Kit includes the "under the skin" GPS tracking device, the perfume detector, the human secretion collection analyzer, the lipstick testing kit, and a DNA swab. Hubby says he's been out with the boys? Quit worrying and test him....our motto is "DNA don't lie". $135.99.

1) The Pearl of Great Price. Ever wonder where that sucker has been. Well we scoured the earth and found 'em. And now you too can own your own Pearl of Great Price...for the "great" price of $99.99. Set in its own Meso-american mined gold setting, these babies won't last long at this price. Hurry, supplies limited.

7. You can get Prozac at the pharmacy for a minimal co-payment. Mormonism costs 10% of your income.

5. You don't have to promise to slit your throat if you tell anyone you're on Prozac.

4. Doctors don't make you take two years out of your life to go door to door convincing others to take Prozac.

3. Prozac has documented clinical studies that are not based on fabulous tales of nonexistent pre-Columbian Hebrew cultures.

2. It's less embarrassing to admit you're on Prozac than it is to admit you're a Mormon.

8. In Scientology, you pay for classes in self-awareness; in Mormonism, you pay 10% of your income for self-denial.

7. Scientology has dorky celebrities like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley; Mormonism has even dorkier celebrities like the Osmonds and Steve Young.

6. Most Americans think Scientology is a scam; most Americans think Mormonism is a weird fundamentalist religion.

5. Scientology was founded by a reclusive science fiction writer; Mormonism was founded by a sex-obsessed man who wrote scripture that sounds like science fiction.

4. Scientology has had problems with its tax status; Mormonism has had problems with honesty.

3. Most people find "Dianetics" a little weird; most people find the Book of Mormon incredibly boring.

2. It's difficult to extract one's self from Scientology; it's even harder to get out of Mormonism.

1. Scientology is a bizarre and destructive cult; Mormonism is ... well, never mind.

9) We have so much in common, you have a burning in your bosom and I have a burning in my loins!

4) I have a calling for you child. I'm going to send you on a mission? a mission of love!

1) I know what you must be asking yourself, "Is that a white salamander in his pocket, or is he just happy to see me?"

6. Home of Sparkling Yogurt (A BYU Dairy Products Lab invention that they sell at the BYU Creamery. It's essentially what you would expect: custard-style yogurt injected with carbonation, so it fizzes when you put in into your mouth.)

10. "Sexual relations in marriage are not unrestrained. Even though sex can be an important and satisfactory part of married life, we must remember that life is not designed just for sex. Even marriage does not make proper certain extremes in sexual indulgence. To the Ephesian saints Paul begged for propriety in marriage: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself." (Ephesians 5:28.) And the Lord's condemnation included secret sexual sins in marriage, when he said: "And those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God." (D&C 132:52)"

"If it is unnatural, you just don't do it. That is all, and all the family life should be kept clean and worthy and on a very high plane. There are some people who have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it." - Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.311-12

"Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord."

"All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships. Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord. The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." - Official Declaration of the First Presidency of the Church, January 5th, 1982, http://www.lds-mormon.com/worthy_letter1.shtml

9."Prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice. What is more, it too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality. For, done in private, it evolves often into mutual masturbation-practiced with another person of the same sex and thence into total homosexuality...." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "The Miracle of Forgiveness, Pages 77-79, 81-82.

8. "Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, [unwed] pregnancy, and abortions - all ugly sins - but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins. They awaken lust and stir evil thoughts and sex desires. They are but parts of the whole family of related sins and indiscretions. Almost like twins, 'petting' and fornication are alike." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, page 65 - popular book for Bishops to use when counseling members

7. "Immorality [petting, premarital sex, adultery, homosexuality and masturbation] brings generally a guilt deep and lasting. These guilt complexes are the stuff of which mental breakdowns come; they are the building blocks of suicide, the fabric of distorted personalities and the wounds that scar and decapitate individuals or families." President Spencer W. Kimball, devotional speech to young adults in 1974, www.solotouch.com

6. "And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth." (Genesis 4:9-14.) That was true of murder. It is also true of illicit sex, which, of course, includes all petting, fornication, adultery, homosexual acts, and all other perversions. The Lord may say to offenders, as He did to Cain, "What hast thou done?" The children thus conceived make damning charges against you; the companions who have been frustrated and violated condemn you; the body that has been defiled cries out against you; the spirit which has been dwarfed convicts you. You will have difficulty throughout the ages in totally forgiving yourself." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "Love Versus Lust", BYU Speech January 5, 1965. Often-used quote still used today in LDS seminary classes.

5. "I do not find in the Bible the modern terms "petting" nor "homosexuality," yet I found numerous scriptures which forbade such acts under by whatever names they might be called. I could not find the term "homosexuality," but I did find numerous places where the Lord condemned such a practice with such vigor that even the death penalty was assessed." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "Love Versus Lust", BYU Speech January 5, 1965.

4. "If adultery or fornication justified the death penalty in the old days, and still in Christ's day, is the sin any less today because the laws of the land do not assess the death penalty for it? Is the act less grievous? There must be a washing, a purging, a changing of attitudes, a correcting of appraisals, a strengthening toward self-mastery. There must be many prayers, and volumes of tears. There must be an inner conviction giving to the sin its full diabolical weight. There must be increased devotion and much thought and study. And this takes energy and time and often is accompanied with sore embarrassment, heavy deprivations and deep trials, even if indeed one is not excommunicated from the Church, losing all spiritual blessings." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "The Miracle of Forgiveness, Page 155

3. "How like the mistletoe is immorality. The killer plant starts with a sticky sweet berry. Little indiscretions are the berries -- indiscretions like sex thoughts sex discussions, passionate kissing, pornography. The leaves and little twigs are masturbation and necking and such, growing with every exercise. The full-grown plant is petting and sex looseness. It confounds, frustrates, and destroys like the parasite if it is not cut out and destroyed, for, in time it robs the tree, bleeds its life, and leaves it barren and dry; and, strangely enough, the parasite dies with its host." -Elder Spencer W. Kimball, General Conference Address, April 1, 1967.

2. "I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today.... The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos, five were darker but equally delightsome The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation. At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl--sixteen--sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents--on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather....These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness." - Elder Spencer W. Kimball, General Conference, 1960

1. "Here he [God] has the Indian or Lamanite, with a background of twenty-five centuries of superstition, degradation, idolatry, and indolence.... I present to you a people who, according to prophecies, have been scattered and driven, defrauded and deprived, who are a "branch of the tree of Israel -- lost from its body -- wanderers in a strange land"--their own land.... I beg of you, do not disparage the Lamanite-Nephites ... Do not scoff and ignore these Nephite-Lamanites... Do not prate your power of speech or your fearlessness unless you too could stand with the Prophet Samuel on the city wall, dodging stones and spears and arrows while trying to preach the gospel of salvation. The very descendants of this great prophet are with us. They may be Navajos or Cherokees.... Mayas or Pimas.... Piutes or Mohicans.... And in these living descendants ... will be redeemed, will rise and will become a blessed people. God has said it." - Elder Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, April 1954, p.106-108

6. Re-fry them in consecrated oil for use in private, super-secret FARMS sacrament services

10. Diet Coke is NOT in violation of the WoW? And SOME teas? Can we get a list here....

9. There are three Hill Cumorah's? Or was that two...could we PLEASE just get a map?

8. Dinosaur bones were beamed here from another planet? So we'll be beamed to another planet? What is the weather like on Kolob anyway? And why don't we have that beaming technology...finally an answer to the energy crisis...and can I get beamed to Aruba pls....

7. The Book of Abraham is from DIFFERENT papyri yet to be discovered? So are they buried in a stone box? Can we a least get a "you're getting warmer" from the big guy upstairs?

6. Tapir = Horse? Steel sword = sharp rock tied to a stick? Can we get a translation guide for the BoM so we know what is what? I mean everyone doesn't know that 19th century Americans often referred to tapirs as horses....

4. Prophets don't always speak as prophets even during conference? OK can we get a sign like an "applause" sign on a TV game show that can be lit to tell us all when the brethren are saying something other than their personal opinion?

3. It's OK to watch Steve Young (and all the NFL games) on Sundays? I mean no GA has ever condemned Bro Young for willingly breaking the Sabbath every week, so it must be OK for everyone else right? I mean Steve don't look like he's in too much pain from all that "sinnin'"...

2. The Three Nephites still walk the earth? Can we get a MySpace for them with some pics so we'll know them when we see them? Do they know who killed JFK?

1. So I pay tithing on my 'increase'? Doesn't that mean after everyone else takes their fair share...like income taxes, property taxes, money to dependents, alimony, food, rent/mortgage, etc etc....because my 'increase' would be that money that I have left over after keeping my financial status level...right? Could we get a 'tithing guide' like the IRS puts out for federal taxes....

Could we get a prophet to the front please. clean-up on aisle twelve. Could we get a prophet to the front please?

10. Introduce three large diameter balloon look-a-like heads of Hinckley, Monson and Faust for the congregation to smack around and keep air borne for two hours.

9. Institute "the wave" whenever a speaker attempts to inject humor into his talk.

8. Keep the Saints refreshed by calling the local Deacon's Quorum as vendors to ply the aisles selling popcorn, hot dogs and Xango/Noni juice.

7. Institute the Seventh Speaker Stretch with raucus organ music and breaks to the bathrooms.

6. Keep the brethren awake during General Priesthood meeting by calling the local MIA Laurels as the "G.A. Cheerleaders" to perform during Boyd K Packer's traditional "Little Factory No No - Raise the Bar" pep rally.

5. Keep the sisters and closet-gays awake by calling Fabio as the Angel Moroni Mascot wearing only a white robe who descends and ascends three times during each session of conference tooting his horn as if flying in the midst of heaven.

4. Following NASCAR'S popularity, institute Book of Mormon tapir-chariot races up and down the aisles with FARMS workers competing for the top prize of sitting on Hinckley's lap during the closing session of conference.

3. Direct the KSL camera crew to zoom in on and show on the big screen the face any conference goer who is nodding off, picking their nose or murmuring.

2. Institute instant computer balloting for all Saints to vote on the MVP - Most Vain Prophet of the conference so as to increase the self-righteousness and stiff neckedness among the Brethren to "American Idolatry" fame.

1. Conclude the last session of conference with an explosive fireworks display guaranteed to awaken all those who still managed to sleep through the above nine boredom busters.

5. Sheri Dew doesn't have time to write another brown-nosing biography before he kicks the bucket.

4. Packer's so evil that people don't notice Hinckley's progressively worsening dementia.

2. Being president of the church means that at least Mormons don't think he's a creepy old guy.

10. Trooth or Inconsequences: Contestants bear their testimonies with a thermocouple sensor taped to their bosoms. The one who makes the mercury rise the most wins a no expenses paid 2 year lying vacation to a backwoods Utah county.

9. Run-N-Hide: Contestants sit on a sofa watching conference reruns. The instant they hear the doorbell, they scramble to turn off the lights and find good hiding places until the Home Teachers give up and go away.

8. Pray-It-Again-Sam: Contestants listen to sacrament prayers with one word wrong. The first one to bang the buzzer when they hear the "mistake" gets a two years supply of pasty white bread pieces and 100 gallons of chlorinated water, and two cases of tiny paper cups.

7. BOYD'S LITTLE FACTORY TOURS: Boyd K. Packin' hosts a garmentcam tour of the gonads of a new General Authority each week. The fun begins when contestants are asked to determine which image is a piece of jerky and which is a G.A. gonad. At the end of the show, the video cuts to a clip of Gordon saying, "I don't know that we teach that."

6. GEORGE LEE'S ROMPER ROOM: Dethroned General Authority George P. Lee hosts this popular show where a Penishood Holder from Colorado City is presented with an assortment of ten 9-10 year old girls. Contestants get to guess which order the Plygman will decide he wants to marry the girls. (The show used to also have contestants guess how many of the ten girls the Plygman would marry, but the number was always ALL TEN, so that part of the show lost its suspense and was dixcontinued.)

5. NAME THAT TOON: This new show is gaining popularity. Contestants are shown a clip from a Book of Mormon cartoon series and asked to estimate the circumference of the bicep on the featured character. This show was inspired by Arnold Friberg's famous Book of Mormon character paintings with upper arms the size of large tree trunks.

4. LYIN' ZION JEOPARDY: The host, Alex Tribec, runs this fast paced entertainment. Contestants select anwers from assorted categories. The first contestant who can make up a false question to which the posted answer is an untroo lie wins the points. At the end of the game, the biggest liar wins the dollar equivalent, ten percent of which is deducted and sent to the Conning Tower in Salt Lake City -- the lying capital of the world. In addition, the winner gets to sit on the rostrum at the next General Conference with the professional Liars For The Lord who are paid full time salaries and benefits for lying in slow motion on TV.

3. GREEN ACRES FARMS-R-US: This is a seasonal favorite. Contestants are given a ridiculous postulation -- something like "Girls with pony tails never fart." or "Paul Dunn was a baseball hero." -- something like that. The contestants are they sent out into the community with a camera crew in toe with the task of gathering evidence to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the ridiculous postulation is absolutely troo! The winner is given a summer intern job at FARMS to apply their talents to the ongoing proofs of the Book of Mormon, with a special project to demonstrate that the DNA evidence proves the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon somehow.

2. FOOTNOTES FESTIVAL: This is popular with BYU professors who used to worship Huge Nibley. When the game show host says GO, the contestants start typing out fake footnotes as fast as possible. At the end of the show, all the footnotes are run through a Google search, and the contestant whose footnotes get the fewest number of search matches with anything real on Planet Earth wins the grand prize, which is a summer intern job with Deseret Book to add footnotes to the latest round of General Authority anesthesia-in-print books-of-the-month.

1. SACRAMENT BREAD TOSS: This show will be cancelled soon if more people don't tune in. A sacrament tray full of tiny cups filled with chlorinated water is set up about 6 feet away from each contestant, who is given another sacrament tray full of little pieces of bread. The first contestant who is able to toss a bread chunk into each and every one of the sacrament cups is declared the winner. The grand prize is a chance to visit the White House and serve the sacrament to President Bush, who will turn to the camera and say, "I don't know that we'll eat that."

7. Copy of 1981 revelation to Spencer W. Kimball: "Verily, I say unto thee that peyote is good for the body."

4. Gordon B Hinckley's journal, with the words "I love you, Jesus Smith" at the end of each entry.

3. All known copies of Elder Daved A Bednar's cover recording of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer."

2. Bruce Mcconkie's deathbed confession that he was, in fact, the reincarnation of Joan of Arc.

1. Last known revelation given to Joseph Smith, beginning, "Thus saith the Lord, that my servant Joseph will be rescued from his imprisonment, yea, to the confounding of his enemies," and then ending abruptly.

6. The elephant BKP intends to ride like Hannibal through SLC once he becomes prophet.

3. Secret supply of Hinckley's Depends undergarments with hand-appliqued temple markings.

2. Specially produced temple movie with an all-nude Adam and Eve, for use only at combined General Relief Society Presidency and First Presidency endowment sessions.

1. Secret recording of Tabernacle Choir performing "I Want Your Sex" and "Let Me Put My Love in You" used only for wedding receptions of old GA's and their hot, young virginal brides.