Currently there are 249 top ten lists in this section as of 07/29/2015.
10. Institute policy and attitude to "Go Mainstream" in failed attempt to increase conversions by acting more like American Christians.
9. Collaborating with Mark Hofmann on forgeries that Hinckley perceived would embarrass him and his beloved pet church, efforts which literally blew up in his face.
8. Building City Creek Mall cementing suspicion that the LDS Church is actually just another capitalist corporation.
7. Hired Edelman World Wide Public Relations to brand, package and market Mormonism through the 2002 Winter Olympics, Larry King interview, Mike Wallace - 60 Minutes interviews and even "buying the Presidential Medal of Freedom" for and on behalf of himself.
6. Apologized to the world for necro-dunking Jewish Holocaust victims but then continued the practice forcing Jeffrey Holland, current apostle to publicly apologize on BBC for the debacle.
5. Shutting down the BYU Molecular Biology Lab run by Scott Woodward Ph.D after discovering that DNA research results would not confirm the existence of "Lamanites" in the Western Hemisphere as opposed to allowing BYU to set itself up as premier cutting edge institution on the frontier of molecular biology research and development.
4. Hired Sheri Dew as CEO of Deseret Book thus cementing women as second class go for girls for God with the silly seeping sap and hero worship biographies of Hinckley himself and his cronies.
3. Wallowing in the "might temple builder" mantle of the prophet Hinckley set up his church for eventual collapse of his top heavy ambitions with under utilized houses of God, recycling of names of the deceased for temple ritual redundancies.
2. Construction of his own great and spacious prophet memorial "The Conference Center", expensive to maintain, hard to fill to capacity with the greatest apostasy in church history picking up Internet momentum.
1. Sponsoring California's Proposition 8 - Anti Same Sex Marriage and throwing millions of the faithful's donations away, alienating many Mormons and the public in a lost cause as confirmed by the United States Supreme Court.
10. Increase gender equality
9. Apologize for the racist past and mistreatment of LGBT members
8. Accept married gay couples at all levels
7. Permit members to openly question the authority, teachings and decisions of LDS Church leadership
6. Provide financial transparency in the use of tithes
5. Address the mistakes of polygamy and de-canonize Doctrine & Covenants 132
4. Teach the truth and troubling facts of church history (specifically surrounding Joseph Smith)
3. Speak openly of Heavenly Mother
2. Use tithes and offerings more to help the poor and needy and less on capital projects (temples, churches, commercial buildings, etc.)
1. Stop excommunicating people for openly questioning or expressing doubts
10. Suspended Damnination Disease: This disease is inflicted on Moron Aaronic Penisholders by Boyd K. Packer causes young and old Moron Males to be consumed with guilt and self-loathing every time their naughty hands wander crotchward. The cure is a daily dose of Gonadastrokin, a new wonder therapy that cures Suspendered Damnination. Early clinical trials have shown that Gonadastrokin is most effective while the patient is flipping through this year's General Authority Calendar, although there's a somewhat disturbing potential side effect of developing a behavior anomaly characterized by the pitching of embarrassing trouser tents while watching General Conference.
9. The "I'll believe anything except logic" disease: Middle-aged Mormon women are especially susceptible to this illness. Having had to twist their minds into believing Mormonism for forty years, they now cannot believe anything as simple as truth. Everything has to be a miracle. Every cure has to come from God--or some other illogical source, but never from a medical journal or bonafide DOCTOR. Those suffering from this illness typically sign up for every MLM scheme, especially if health related. Belief in a folksy, homemade remedy always trumps medical science. - faraboverubies
8. Targeted Amnesia: This disease strikes the central nervous quorum. Embarrassing doctrine is forgotten while disobedience is remembered in detail. Organizational violations dissolve in a fog of lost memories. Those who suffer from this disease will often accuse others of lying about the past. It is not known if this behavior is pathological or simply defensive. The disease is progressive and has no known cure. - donbagley
7. Truephobia: Fear of the truth. Fear of learning anything that might be true. Patient will demonstrate complete bliss as long as nothing is presented as a truth that might shatter their ignorance. Exposure to the truth will cause weeping, wailing, outright denial, loss if ability to acknowledge the existence of the truth bringer even if such person was a child, spouse or parent. - Dead Cat
6. 40yearoldvirginitosis: 40+ men and women who are now serving a life sentence in an LDS singles ward somewhere because the women are still holding out for their return missionary who is destined to become a General Authority and men who are still holding out for their virgin pure 1950's household slave and baby maker. - london
5. SARS: Usually contracted from improperly treated Baptismal fonts, or filthy custodial closets.. Can sometimes reach epidemic levels during Stake-driven Baptisms for the Dead programs, or a Ward open house. Temple recommend holders will need no further immunization. - ConcernedCitizen
4. Blind faith: Beyond the repair of laser surgery (and nearly logic - although sometimes logic makes inroads. Hmmm...this may be very close to #9. - moose
3. Post Traumatic Mission Disorder: The inability to function like a normal human being for an unset period of time after one's mission. Often accompanied by being incredibly intrusive of other's boundaries and recurring nightmares of knocking on stranger's doors. Especially common in those exposed to the superficial leadership roles imposed on missionaries.
2. Post Traumatic Mormon Disorder: The loss of any social capability due to long exposure to weird Mormon culture habits. - nonsequiter
1. Grand Mall Seizure of Assets Disorder: Financially embarrassing condition imposed upon the Mormon First Presidency by the bankruptcy court after The City Creek Mall is forced to close its doors due to the Apple Store, Nordstroms, Maceys, The Pizza Factory, The Gap, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, Disney Store and even Deseret Book shutting down for lack of sales.
Question #1: Was Brigham Young a prophet of God?
-If they answer "no", then state that the church cannot be true, since its entire heritage and authority rests on the story that the saints saw Brigham Young's face appear as Joseph Smith's as a witness to his calling as the next prophet of the church. The conversation is over. Perhaps you've planted a seed.
-If they answer "yes", proceed to #2.
Question #2: Does a prophet of God have to be correct in 100% of what he teaches over the pulpit and what he puts in place as church policy and practice?
-If they answer "yes", then proceed to #3.
-If they answer "no", then proceed down to #6.
Question #3: Since you believe that a prophet of God must be correct 100% of the time, was Brigham Young correct in banning blacks from having the priesthood?
-If they answer "yes", proceed to #4
-If they answer "no", then go back to #1 and ask it again.
Question #4: Are you aware that the LDS church has disavowed Brigham Young's priesthood ban for blacks, and said that he was wrong in this practice?
-If they answer "no", show them this info and then proceed to #5.
-If they answer "yes", then just proceed straight to #5.
Question #5: Was Brigham Young wrong in what he did, or is the church wrong in stating that Brigham Young was out of line?
-If the answer is "Brigham Young was wrong", then point out their inconsistency from their answer to #4, but then go back to #1 and ask it again.
-If the answer is "the church is wrong", then inform them that the LDS church cannot be God's one true church since they are now teaching an apostate doctrine, in direct contridiction to what a true prophet of God, Brigham Young, taught. Conversation over. Of course you might provide "an invitation" to leave their church which is now teaching apostate doctrine.
Question #6: If you're here, then you answered "no" to question 2 above, (that is to say you do not believe that a prophet must be 100% correct in what he teaches over the pulpit and what he sets as church policy and practice). So do you believe the LDS prophet actually hears from God?
-If the answer is "no", then go back to question #1 and ask it again.
-If the answer is "yes", then proceed to #7.
Question #7: If even a holy prophet of God Almighty himself can hear things wrong and misunderstand what God is saying or wanting sometimes, then do you think you are always right when the spirit tells you something?
-If the answer is "no", then proceed to #8
-If the answer is "yes", then proceed to #9
Question #8: Then how can you be sure that you are right about the spirit telling you the Book of Mormon and Mormonism are true?
-If the answer is something along the lines of, "well I'm sure that I'm hearing right that the church is true", then go back to #7 and ask it again. You may be going back and forth between #7 and #8 for awhile.... and maybe a long while.
-If the answer is "I can't be sure", then congratulations. The conversation is over and perhaps you've planted a seed.
Question #9: Since you're here you just answered "yes" to #7, meaning you have just said that the holy prophet of God Almighty himself can hear things wrong, but that you do not. Thus you have now set yourself above the prophet in ability to hear correctly from God. Then why do you have any need of this "prophet"?
-If the answer is along the lines of "because he is the only one who can get revelation for the whole church", then proceed to #10.
-If the answer is along the lines of "Huh, I guess I don't need the prophet", the the conversation is over. Congratulations, you may have planted a seed!
Question #10: Why would God call someone who can get things wrong to be the one to give revelation to His whole church, when He has someone like you who is always right when they hear from Him?
-If the answer is along the lines of that maybe God got something wrong, then the conversation is over. Inform them that if they believe in a fallable God, it is crazy and completely illigoical to believe in an infallable church. Because then in fact the church would be better and more perfect than the God it worships. Congratulations, perhaps you have planted a seed.
-If the answer is along the lines of "Well I don't know, but He has His reasons and the church is true", then give up. This person is too far gone and there's nothing you can do, at least for now. But actually, perhaps you've planted a seed and the cog-dis will start to set in for them down the road.
-If the answer is along the lines of "I probably should be the prophet", then the conversation is over. This person is probably a little bit crazy, but just for kicks you might encourage them to call church headquarters and tell them that they are supposed to be the prophet.
10. Most people get off Prozac after 6-9 months; Mormonism is usually for life.
9. Sexual side effects of Prozac are less severe.
8. Prozac doesn't care how you dress, what you eat, or whether you masturbate.
7. You can get Prozac at the pharmacy for a minimal co-payment. Mormonism costs 10% of your income.
6. People like Prozac.
5. You don't have to promise to slit your throat if you tell anyone you're on Prozac.
4. Doctors don't make you take two years out of your life to go door to door convincing others to take Prozac.
3. Prozac has documented clinical studies that are not based on fabulous tales of nonexistent pre-Columbian Hebrew cultures.
2. It's less embarrassing to admit you're on Prozac than it is to admit you're a Mormon.
1. Prozac treats depression; Mormonism causes it.
10. If President Monson were suddenly seized upon by catatonia (neurogenic motor immobility and behavioral abnormality manifested by stupor.) behind the pulpit would he be sustained as The Petrified Prophet, Seer and Revelator?
9. If Dallin Oaks suffered a severe bout of glossophobia (fear of public speaking) would he be known far and wide as "The Petrified Apostle?"
8. Could arteriosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) explain a non-spritual reason why Boyd Packer's heart is hard as a granite boulder?
7. If L. Tom Perry suffered a massive stroke of the frontal lobe in his cerebral cortex (the center of higher reasoning, attention and motivation) would he then "give up the Holy Ghost?" Or would the Holy Ghost be forced to give up on on poor ol' L. Tom?
6. Does dupadopia, a rare disorder depriving a person of dopamine (a hormone and neurotransmitter) explain why Jeffrey Holland comes off as either a dupe, a dope or a dodo whenever interview by the British Broadcasting Company?
5. Due to episodic bouts of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome aka Irritating Brethren Syndrome aka Intestinal Boyd Spasm) does Elder Packer wear his depends on the inside or outside of his sacred garments?
4. Does having developed macular degeneration, ( the presence of a blurred spot in the center of vision) prevent Russell M Ballard from "keeping and eye single to glory of God" and blessing us with miraculous visions about the future growth of the LDS Church?
3. Did Gordon B Hinckley suffer a terminal case of atrial fibilation (a complete disconnect between a truthful heart and a conniving mind resulting in pathological inability to tell the truth, especially while appearing on national television talk shows) thus becoming known as "The Big Glib Fib."
2. Since being called into the First Presidency does the graceful acceptance of his COPD (Church Office Politics Disorder) allow Dieter Uchtdorf to continue to be the point man for softening the dogmatic, embarrassing, archaic and politically incorrect stances of Boyd K Packer and Bruce R McConkie?
1. Suffering from the most embarrassing of all General Authority maladies, ED - Electile Dysfunction (the chronic selection of future apostates to receive their Second Anointing or Calling and Election Made Sure, leading to the apostate's public exposure of super secret/sacred temple rituals) is Jeffrey Holland demonstrating depression and desperation in his evangelical like sermons as a smoke screen to hide his true spiritual impotence?
Enough for the Brethren, one last one for the Sistern:
Are the Relief Society Sister suffering from POD (1. Primary Orgasm Disorder - sisters unable to reach orgasm while having sex with their garments on (the patriarchal position) are called to serve in the nursery during Primary until able to perform perfectly. 2. Pilot Orgasm Derangement - sisters problematic spontaneous orgasmic public outcries whenever an apostle who happens also to be a pilot speaks in conference. 3. Prophet Orgasm Discombobulation - spiritual/emotional dissonance resulting from wild multiple orgasms while watching and listening to a handsome member of the First Presidency when he makes eye contact with you, even if from a distance of 300 feet in the Conference Center.) whenever President Dieter Uchtdorf stands up and addresses them with that deep sexy German accent.
1. The sprightly guy who runs across the stage at the beginning hasn't been Letterman for years.
2. Paul has been dating Yoko Ono and is finished with the band.
3. Advertisements for erectile dysfunction not enough to pay the bills.
4. Dave is used to following Leno.
5. The show couldn't compete with reruns of Duck Dynasty.
6. The writers quit to go write jokes for Chumlee.
7. Tired of the Jersey jokes, Chris Christie put up traffic cones to block studio parking.
8. Dave's two front teeth suffering from separation anxiety.
9. Two tone spats no longer cool shoes among celebrities.
10.Goddam Jimmy Fallon.
Now why can't all Mormon apostles follow Elder Letterman's lead and go emeritus style along with him?
10. It's the best 2 years of my life.
9. I am not masturbating.
8. I can't remember English.
7. I don't know how many days I have left.
6. I love missionary work.
5. I love my companion.
4. I have had so many awesome spiritual experiences.
3. I love the BoM.
2. I wish this could last forever.
1. I hope to stay in my bubble when I return home.
The so-call Mormon Moment failed to "come to pass" and instead is replaced by The Mormon Malaise now picking up momentum to become The Mormon Mayhem of 2014.
Here are some evidences and philosophies of mine mingled with statistics to demonstrate the point.
10. Even Donny and Marie Osmond are ducking for cover and laying low on this one. Paul H Dunn is armed and ready to return to Utah as a translated being with a batch of new faith promoting stories from the War in Heaven to shore up the Saints sagging spiritual sensibilities.
9. Hasting the Work is a conspiracy theory code word meaning Hastening the Demise i.e. "Let's just get this gawd awful spiritual torture over with now!"
8. LDS Church leaders are not only irritating the world at large but are now royally pissing off their lay leaders by avoiding actual revelations from the Lord at all costs. Instead Prophet Monson is using "post it note essays" on the official web site to address sticky issues.
7. Tithing receipts are at all time lows requiring General Authorities to fly coach instead of First Class.
6. The super secret "Second Anointing" has triggered the most international public apostasy in Mormon history simply because Jesus Christ was too bored with the nuisance ordinance to show up.
5. Utah is priding itself on being the last remaining state in the union to deny same sex marriage to its residents.
4. Social media provides more soothing and comfort for those questioning their Mormon faith than The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve and The Holy Ghost combined.
3. Increasing missionary numbers backfiring into actual decreases in convert baptisms.
2. Jeffery Holland is suffering from clinical depression again. In addition, a brand spanking new case of PTSD (Post Testimony Shakey Disorder) leaves him unable to approach the podium in General Conference due to tremors and severe gnashing of his own teeth.
1. Mitt Romney is now publicly relieved he lost the U.S. presidential election and can easily distance himself from Thomas Monson and the other fraudsters. "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to Bain Capitol again I go."
A Catholic colleague recently referred me to an online list of the "Top 10 Astonishing Miracles."
While incorruptible corpses and crying statues are indeed astonishing, I wondered, "How does the Mormon Church measure up to the Great and Abominable Church in the miracles category?"
So, I compiled my own "Top 10 Mormon Miracles," which I humbly submit to you here:
10) Stones River Ward, Murfreesboro, TN, 1999. A family loses a treasured set of scriptures. One day, there is a knock at the door. When the door opens, no one is to be found. The missing quad sits on the porch alone. A member of the family bears strong witness to a congregation of nearly 100 that the scriptures were placed there by one of the Three Nephites. This same testimony is reiterated again in 2002 by another family member who witnessed the event. Two witnesses. This event cannot be denied.
9) The Book of Mormon claims that a sealed book cannot be read (2 Nephi 27:15-18). In 1828, one Professor Charles Anthon confirms to Martin Harris that a sealed book cannot be read . . . because it is sealed.
8) In 1835, Apostle David W. Patten prepares for a long journey by trimming the fat off some beef, cuts it into strips, and dries it to prevent it from spoiling. He mounts his horse, takes his vittles, and rides. As he sits in his saddle, nibbling away, he spots a large, dark, hairy individual. He decides to have some fun, and says, "Hey there, buddy, you look tired. Come here and have a ride on my horse." The haggard looking creature seems suspicious at first, but decides Patten seems nice enough. Just as he gets near, Patten rears his horse up, and laughs in the fellow's face. It's hard to describe what happened next, but Patten's right buttocks forever bore the imprint of a horse's hoof. Later, Patten would reflect, "That's what you get when messin' with Cain."
7) Much like IBM's Deep Blue bested Garry Kasparov in chess, Google bests the Prophet of God in revelation. (Miracle ongoing).
6) June 27, 1844. Joseph Smith is killed by a group of people, yet none among them is named Emma.
5) (Sorry. This one is too sacred to share. It is quite miraculous, though).
4) A toad-like animal, NOT a white salamander (that's just silly), led Joseph Smith to the golden plates. (To any General Authorities not privy to the details of this matter, please contact admin for my contact info. Will exchange authentic documentation for $$$).
3) Circa 1994, somewhere in Idaho, a group of Young Women were loaded into a van, ready to drive to a stake activity. But the van did not start. The driver had lost her keys. She called her husband to bring a spare. He said a prayer over the phone. He told his wife to hang up the phone and look in the console. She did. Lost keys were found, tears were shed, the activity was happily attended by all.
2) Some birds ate lots of bugs. I shit you not.
1) Oh, how lovely was the morning! Some 18 years after friending God and Jesus IRL, Joseph Smith got his shit together and set this story straight, once and for all! How miraculous that the man who communed with Jehovah didn't screw this up with multiple, contradictory, ever-evolving accounts of such a glorious event!
Ironic that this month (September 2013) Salt Lake City hosted a wildly popular and successful Comic Con and next month, October 2013 will host the Mormon General Conference.
One does not have to be Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, David Letterman or Jay Leno to wonder about the similarities/comparisons between the two large scale events. So here we go.
10. Realize the whole affair is a fantasy. vs. Totally believe/know the Mormon story is true.
9. Wear their costumes on the exterior for everyone to see and enjoy. vs. Wear their costumes (temple garments) on the interior for only tithe paying, temple recommend holders to see.
8. Sold out standing room only. vs. Local wards and stakes assigned tickets and seats to keep Conference Center at capacity.
7. Vibrant, flamboyant, evolving culture. vs. Stagnate, stifling , static culture.
6. The Avengers take center stage. vs. The Pretenders (Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) take center pulpit.
5. "Geeking out" is way cool. vs. "Creeping Out" cadence is Mormon cool.
4. Batman and Robin are dynamic. duo vs. Joseph Smith and Moroni the iconic duo.
3. Chose their own characters. vs. God chooses "us" to be his elect characters.
2. Good against evil is story line. vs. Us against them and the wicked world is the dogma.
1. Underestimate attendance and demand. vs. Over report attendance and adherence.
Comment by hard6
Since attending Comic Con in Salt Lake City recently, I now refer to General Conference as "Kolob Kon."
10. Your father-in-law might decide to come out of retirement and kick you out of that cushy job he gave you.
9. You need the money from that cushy job to pay for your son's mission and your daughter's BYU tuition.
8. You just took out a second mortgage and can't afford a divorce.
7. You'll no longer be able to go to the bishop and complain about your wife's headaches and get some ecclesiastical assistance.
6. You're finally "beating par" on a couple of MLM's, and some money is actually starting to come in from your downlines.
5. Your boss's father-in-law is an apostle, and your other daughter is dating one of his sons.
4. Your wife once confessed a strong attraction to the bishop, and you don't want things going in that direction.
3. You've already got two apostate siblings, and one more would probably kill your mother.
2. Your father-in-law is too stupid to explain DNA to in hopes of keeping him from firing you.
1. Admit it, seeing a lady in garmies is still a turn on.
10. Collect as many secret temple names from hot ladies as possible.
9. After you croak, tell the guy at the gate you're a friend of J. Golden Kimball.
8. Cyber-Danites hacked this site, and it wound up in the same place as the lost 116 pages.
7. Wake up and shake it off the way you would any other bad dream.
6. Come the Resurrection, glance down at where your genitals used to be, acknowledge the feeling, and remember all the trouble the damn things caused you in the first place.
5. Blame it all on Steve Benson.
4 Blame it all on Boyd Packer.p> 3. Bring up the subject of Hitler's temple work to the gatekeeper.
2. Spill the beans on all the family secrets and claim you didn't want to spend forever with most of those d-bags anyway.
1. Start an Multi Level Marketing coffee operation in Outer Darkness.
10. bad music
9. bad architecture
8. bad fashion
7. bad writing
6. bad politics
5. bad parties
4. bad art
3. bad thinking
2. bad manners
1. BAD SEX
10. It turned the wine back into water
9. It allowed Jesus to get vengeance on The New World for what The Old World did to him
8. It made it "seedy" in getting seed for God (polygamy)
7. It made American Indians part of Jesus' peeps (or sheeps)
6. It put a Sanhedrin of old men back in charge of it
5. It introduced a space opera from Kolob into temple worship
4. It introduced Peter, James and John to Adam and Eve
3. It banned loud laughter and evil speaking of "elders"
2. It made olive oil a panacea for every human ailment
1. It brought sexy Jesus back
10. Be right back, Emma. Just going to the barn to help Fanny bed down the chickens.
9. I guess those Johnson brothers thought I was a bit old for their little sister.
8. Should I tell Emma a flaming sword will get her, or a white salamander will crawl up her leg.
7. Heber,you have a lovely daughter.
6. I always read with my head in a hat.
5. Brigham,play your cards right, and these poor fools will build you a big house also.
4. Emma, please be nice to Eliza, she is such an elect lady.
3. Why don't we all just try to get along, William Law doesn't know what he's talking about in that paper.
2. I'm just an unlearned farm boy trying to make a name for myself in the field of literature.
1. I Know this Church is True. I made it up myself.
As you may have read, Deseret Book is releasing "To the Rescue: The Biography of Thomas S. Monson." Sources have confirmed that several titles were considered before the decision was made:
10. Fake It Till You Make It
9. Bad Poetry and ParakeetsIt
8. No Widow Left BehindIt
7. The Passive Triplet and Other Ways to Treat Your Audience Like Preschoolers
6. My Dinner With Honecker
5. From Apostle to Prophet: The Professional Life of Thomas Monson
4. Son of Obituary: What I've Learned from Attending Funerals
3. I Forbid You! Casting Out Doubt, Reason, and So-called Science in an Age of Uncertainty
2. My Kingdom for a Mall
1. Too Busy Doing Good Works to Draw Attention to Myself
10. The Holy of Holies exists in their Temples and in their heads.
9. Emptiness and hollowness are their primary personality traits.
8. The Narrow Neck of Land is the vital anatomy allowing them keep their heads up their asses.
7. FARMS and FAIR are marketing faith promoting tours "Ten Tribes Paradise - The Inside Passages."
6. Tommy Monson is looking for a new country in which to dedicate a new temple.
5. Mormons have completely succeeded in offending the Tribe of Judah by neco-dunking the Holocaust victims, so why not offend the remaining Ten Tribes by finding them and necro-dunking their ancestors?
4. With the price of real estate in Jackson County, Missouri sky high due to LDS speculators, just move the location of the Second Coming to inside the earth.
3. Mormons are completely comfortable gathering in vacuous, windowless interior spaces like the Conference Center and their meeting houses so being inside the Earth will feel right at home.
2. The Hollow Earth Spaceship is a spiritual metaphor for the chosen of God traveling safely inside a vessel "tight like unto a dish."
1. Hollowed sounds so much like Mormon's special worship word "hallowed."
Once again I've been told that the reason I left Mormonism is that I took it too seriously. Rather than comment directly on the absurdity of such a statement, I'll just provide some suggestions for getting Mormons to be more relaxed about the restored gospel. After all, I'm just doing my part to help people maintain faith:
1. New Primary song: ÒFollow the Prophet (unless it's his personal opinion and/or he's dead).Ó
2. Temple change for Satan: ÒIf they do not walk up to every covenant they make at these altars in this temple this day, they will show themselves to be true disciples, and I'm screwed!
3. Disclaimer before every conference: ÒThe opinions expressed here do not reflect those of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or its officers.Ó
4. Goodbye ÒDoctrine and CovenantsÓ; hello ÒSuggestions and Possibilities.Ó
5. New missionary program: ÒPreach My Gospel (but don't be, you know, too pushy about it).Ó
6. Add a tenth Young Women Value: ÒUncommitted.Ó
7. New hymn: ÒDo What Feels Good; Don't Worry about the Consequences.Ó
8. David Bednar's new talk: Not everyone has to be a pickle if they don't feel like it.
9. Revised Teachings of Joseph Smith: ÒLet us here observe, that a religion that does not allow its members to come up for air and take a well-needed rest once in a while, never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation.Ó
10. New option in church voting: ÒSustain. Opposed. Whatever.
10) Bingo breaks in Sacrament mtg
9) Big Screen TV with NFL games in the cultural hall
8) Near beer socials
7) Temple sessions by proxy...charged to a Visa card
6) Tithing paid in 1830 dollars
5) Adult sessions of necro-dunking "neked"
4) Pin the Tail on the prophet in primary
3) Mission durations reduced to spring break
2) Home/visit teaching by podcast
1) Garment thongs
10. Pay Your Tithing: Weathering the Economic Storm by Giving Generously to the Church
9. Offended Pickles: The Best of David Bednar
8. Worn-out Kneepads: Reflections on My Association with Gordon B. Hinckley, by Sheri Dew
7. Uplifting Truth: A (Very) Brief History of the Church, by Boyd K. Packer
6. Building Better Shelves: Dealing with Doubt in the 21st Century, by Mark Esh
5. Your Tithing Dollars at Work: A Photo History of the City Creek Mall
4. Better Than a Tanning Bed: Living by the Light of the Spirit, by Dieter Uchtdorf
3. Who Are You Calling a Bigot? Defending Marriage Against Degenerates in California
2. I Don't Know that We Teach It: The Inspired Counsel of President Gordon B. Hinckley
1. Of Widows and Parakeets: The Art of Humble Self-Congratulation, by Thomas S. Monson
1. The Book of Mormon - 1830 The Book of Mormon is considered by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to be a divinely inspired book of equal value to the Bible. Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon religion, claimed that he was directed by an Angel to a hill near his home in which he found golden tablets containing the full text of the book. With the books he found two objects called the Urim and Thummim which he described as a pair of crystals joined in the form of a large pair of spectacles. Unfortunately, after Smith finished his translation, he had to return the tablets to the Angel, so there is no physical evidence that they ever existed.
The book refers to a group of Jews that moved to and settled in America where Jesus visited them. Some segments of the Book of Mormon contain sections copied directly from the King James version of the Bible - the Bible that was most popular at the time and used by Joseph Smith. One example is Mark 16:15-18 which is quoted nearly word-for-word in Mormon 9:22-24. In addition, the book mimics the literary and linguistic style of the King James Bible. Linguistic experts have stated that the entire book is written by one man, and is not written by a combination of authors (the prophets as claimed by Smith). Additionally, the book refers to animals and crops that did not exist in America until Columbus arrived: ass, bull, calf, cattle, cow, domestic goat, horse, ox, domestic sheep, sow, swine, elephants, wheat, and barley.
The most compelling proof that Joseph Smith was perpetuating a fraud is the Book of Abraham. In 1835 Smith was able to use his Urim and Thummim to translate some Egyptian scrolls that he was given access to (at that time no one could read hieroglyphics). Upon inspection, Smith declared that they contained the Book of Abraham. He promptly translated the lot and it was accepted as scripture by the church. The scrolls vanished and everyone thought the story would end there. But it didn’t - in 1966 the original scrolls were found in the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. The scrolls turned out to be a standard Egyptian text that was often buried with the dead. To this day the Book of Abraham is a source of discomfort for the Mormon religion.
2. The Cottingley Fairies - 1917 The Cottingley Fairies are a series of five photographs taken by Elsie Wright and Frances Griffiths, two young cousins living in Cottingley, near Bradford, England, depicting the two in various activities with supposed fairies. Elsie was the daughter of Arthur Wright, one of the earliest qualified electrical engineers. She borrowed her father’s quarter plate camera and took photos in the beck behind the family house. When Mr. Wright, upon developing the plates, saw fairies in the pictures, he considered them fake. After the taking of the second picture, he banned Elsie from using the camera again. Her mother, Polly, however was convinced of their authenticity.
In the summer of 1919, the matter became public and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (author of Sherlock Holmes) wrote an article for a leading magazine claiming that they were authentic. Not everyone was taken in by the fraud, as this statement from a leading Doctor at the time attests:
“On the evidence I have no hesitation in saying that these photographs could have been `faked’. I criticise the attitude of those who declared there is something supernatural in the circumstances attending to the taking of these pictures because, as a medical man, I believe that the inculcation of such absurd ideas into the minds of children will result in later life in manifestations and nervous disorder and mental disturbances…”
For fifty years the girls avoided publicity and the hoax continued to be believed by many. In late 1981 and mid 1982 respectively, Frances Way (née Griffiths) and Elsie Hill (née Wright), who took the photographs admitted that the first four pictures were fakes. Speaking of the first photograph in particular, Frances has said: “I don’t see how people could believe they’re real fairies. I could see the backs of them and the hatpins when the photo was being taken.” Both of the girls claimed, right up to their deaths, that the fifth photo was, in fact, authentic.
3. Alien Autopsy - 1995 In 1995, Ray Santilli instigated a wide reaching “alien autopsy” controversy when he claimed to possess footage taken in a tent by a U.S. military shortly after the 1947 Roswell UFO incident. Santilli first presented his film to an invited audience of media representatives, UFOlogists and other dignitaries at the Museum of London on 5 May 1995. Although the broadcast version did not show the actual “autopsy”, video editions have the complete and unedited film, plus previously unreleased footage of wreckage presented as the remains of the alien craft reported to have crashed in Roswell. The show features interviews with experts on the authenticity of the film.
On April 4, 2006, two days prior to the UK release of Alien Autopsy Ray Santilli and fellow producer Gary Shoefield announced that their film was only partially real (a “few frames,” in their words), while the rest was a reconstruction of twenty-two rolls of film, averaging four minutes in length, which Santilli had viewed in 1992 but which had subsequently degraded from humidity and heat. According to Santilli, a set was constructed in the living room of an empty flat in Rochester Square, Camden Town, London. John Humphreys, an artist and sculptor, was employed to construct two dummy alien bodies over a period of three weeks, using casts containing sheep brains set in jelly, chicken entrails and knuckle joints.
4. Piltdown Man - 1912 The “Piltdown Man” is a famous hoax consisting of fragments of a skull and jawbone collected in 1912 from a gravel pit at Piltdown, a village near Uckfield, East Sussex. The fragments were thought by many experts of the day to be the fossilised remains of a hitherto unknown form of early human. The Latin name Eoanthropus dawsoni (”Dawson’s dawn-man”, after the collector Charles Dawson) was given to the specimen.
The Piltdown hoax is perhaps the most famous archaeological hoax in history. It has been prominent for two reasons: the attention paid to the issue of human evolution, and the length of time (more than 40 years) that elapsed from its discovery to its exposure as a forgery. It was exposed in 1953 as a forgery, consisting of the lower jawbone of an orangutan combined with the skull of a fully developed, modern man. The identity of the Piltdown forger remains unknown, but suspects have included Dawson, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and Arthur Conan Doyle as well as numerous others.
From the outset, there were scientists who expressed skepticism about the Piltdown find. G.S. Miller, for example, observed in 1915 that “deliberate malice could hardly have been more successful than the hazards of deposition in so breaking the fossils as to give free scope to individual judgment in fitting the parts together.” In the decades prior to its exposure as a forgery in 1953, scientists increasingly regarded Piltdown as an enigmatic aberration inconsistent with the path of hominid evolution as demonstrated by fossils found elsewhere.
5. Feejee Mermaid - 1842 The Feejee Mermaid was presented as a mummified body of something, supposedly a creature that was half mammal and half fish (like a grotesque version of normal mermaid stories). The original exhibit was popularized by circus great P.T. Barnum, but has since been copied many times in other attractions, including the collection of famed showman Robert Ripley. The original exhibit was shown around the United States, but was lost in the 1860s when Barnum’s museum caught fire. The exhibit has since been acquired by Harvard University’s Peabody Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology and is currently housed in the museum’s attic storage area.
The Fiji mermaid came into Barnum’s possession via his Boston counterpart Moses Kimball, who brought it down to Barnum in late spring of 1842. On June 18, Barnum and Kimball entered into a written agreement to exploit this “curiosity supposed to be a mermaid.” Kimball would remain the creature’s sole owner and Barnum would lease it for $12.50 a week. Barnum christened his artefact “The Feejee Mermaid”.
In reality, the mermaid was a gaff, the work of an Indonesian craftsman using either papier-mâché and materials from exotic fish, or the tail of a fish and a torso of a baby orangutan, stitched together with the head of a monkey.
6. The Priory of Sion 1956 The Priory of Sion has been characterized as anything from the most influential secret society in Western history to a modern Rosicrucian-esque group, but, ultimately, has been shown to be a hoax created in 1956 by Pierre Plantard, a pretender to the French throne. The evidence presented in support of its historical existence is not considered authentic or persuasive by established historians, academics, and universities, and the evidence was later discovered to have been forged and then planted in various locations around France by Plantard and his associates.
Between 1961 and 1984 Plantard contrived a mythical pedigree of the Priory of Sion claiming that it was the offshoot of the monastic order housed in the Abbey of Sion, which had been founded in the Kingdom of Jerusalem during the First Crusade and later absorbed by the Jesuits in 1617. Plantard hoped that the Priory of Sion would become an influential cryptopolitical irregular masonic lodge dedicated to the restoration of chivalry and monarchy, which would promote Plantard’s own claim to the throne of France.
The priory recently gained interest again (despite easily obtainable proof that it is a fake) through the publication of the book The Davinci Code which the author, Dan Brown, claims to be fact (proving that he lied outright about his alleged years of research for the book).
7. The Turk 1717 The Turk was a fake chess-playing machine of the late 18th century, promoted as an automaton but later proved to be a hoax. The Turk made its debut in 1770 at Schönbrunn Palace. Its owner, Kempelen addressed the court, presenting what he had built, and began the demonstration of the machine and its parts. With every showing of the Turk, Kempelen began by opening the doors and drawers of the cabinet, allowing members of the audience to inspect the machine. Following this display, Kempelen would announce that the machine was ready for a challenger.
Kempelen would inform the player that the Turk would use the white pieces and have the first move. Between moves the Turk kept its left arm on the cushion. The Turk could nod twice if it threatened its opponent’s queen, and three times upon placing the king in check. If an opponent made an illegal move, the Turk would shake its head, move the piece back and make its own move, thus forcing a forfeit of its opponent’s move. Observers of the Turk would state that the machine played aggressively, and typically beat its opponents within thirty minutes.
The Turk was in fact a mechanical illusion that allowed a human chess master to hide inside and operate the machine. With a skilled operator, the Turk won most of the games played. The apparatus was demonstrated around Europe and the Americas for over 80 years until its destruction by fire in 1854, playing and defeating many challengers including statesmen such as Napoleon Bonaparte and Benjamin Franklin.
8. Loch Ness - the Surgeon’s Photo - 1934 One of the most iconic images of Nessie is known as the ‘Surgeon’s Photograph’ which many consider to be good evidence of the monster, although doubts about the photograph’s authenticity were expressed from the beginning. The image was revealed as a hoax in the 1990s. The photographer, a gynecologist named Robert Kenneth Wilson, never claimed it to be a picture of the monster. He merely claimed to have photographed “something in the water”. The photo is often cropped to make the monster seem huge, while the original uncropped shot shows the other end of the loch and the monster in the center.
Just a year before the hoax was revealed, the makers of Discovery Communications’ documentary Loch Ness Discovered did an analysis of the uncropped image and found a white object evident in every version of the photo, implying that it was on the negative. “It seems to be the source of ripples in the water, almost as if the object was towed by something”, the narrator said. “But science cannot rule out it was just a blemish on the negative,” he continued. Additionally, analysis of the full photograph revealed the object to be quite small, only about two to three feet long.
9. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion - 1890 The Protocol of the Elders of Zion is a text that purports to describe a Jewish and Masonic plot to achieve world domination. It is one of the most well known and discussed examples of literary forgery. Numerous independent investigations have concluded it to be either a plagiarism or a hoax. The Protocols is widely considered to be the beginning of contemporary conspiracy theory literature, and takes the form of an instruction manual to a new member of the “elders,” describing how they will run the world through control of the media and finance, and replace the traditional social order with one based on mass manipulation.
Continued usage of the Protocols as an antisemitic propaganda tool substantially diminished with the defeat of the Nazis in World War II. It is still frequently quoted and reprinted by some anti-Semitic circles, and is sometimes used as evidence of an alleged Jewish cabal, especially in the Middle East. Elements of the text in the Protocols appears to be plagiarized from an 1864 pamphlet, Dialogue in Hell Between Machiavelli and Montesquieu, written by the French satirist Maurice Joly. Joly’s work attacks the political ambitions of Napoleon III using Machiavelli as a diabolical plotter in Hell as a stand-in for Napoleon’s views.
Interestingly, many of the protocols aims have been achieved. For example: Universal suffrage, wide acceptance of pornography, the spread of Darwinism, Socialism, and Materialism.
10. The Cardiff Giant - 1869 The Cardiff Giant, one of the most famous hoaxes in American history, was a 10-foot-tall (3m) “petrified man” uncovered on October 16, 1869 by workers digging a well behind the barn of William C. “Stub” Newell in Cardiff, New York. Both it and an unauthorized copy made by P.T. Barnum are still on display. The Giant was the creation of a New York tobacconist named George Hull. Hull, an atheist, decided to create the giant after an argument with a fundamentalist minister named Mr. Turk about a passage in Genesis that stated that there were giants who once lived on earth.
Hull hired men to carve out a 10-feet-long, 4.5 inches block of gypsum in Fort Dodge, Iowa, telling them it was intended for a monument of Abraham Lincoln in New York. He shipped the block to Chicago, where he hired a German stonecutter to carve it into the likeness of a man and swore him to secrecy. Various stains and acids were used to make the giant appear to be old and weather beaten, and the giant’s surface was beaten with steel knitting needles embedded in a board to simulate pores. When the giant had been buried for a year, Newell hired two men, Gideon Emmons and Henry Nichols, ostensibly to dig a well. When they found the Giant, one of them has been attributed to saying “I declare, some old Indian has been buried here!”.
The giant drew such crowds that showman P.T. Barnum offered $60,000 for a three-month lease of it (in his memoirs he said he wanted to buy it). When the syndicate turned him down he hired a man to covertly model the giant’s shape in wax and create a plaster replica. He put his giant on display in New York, claiming that his was the real giant and the Cardiff Giant was a fake. On February 2, 1870 both giants were revealed as fakes in court. The judge ruled that Barnum could not be sued for calling a fake giant a fake.
10. Hide-N-Seek: Peeking thru the holes in his hands so he can see where you hide, then he finds you immediately and you erroneously think he found you because he is like . . . omniscient . . . and . . . like he is like God or something. Jesus wins.
9. 100 Meter Freestyle: Instead of having to swim across the pool like the other mere mortal swimmers, Jesus simply jumps off the starting block onto the top of the water and RUNS to the finish line across the water like it was solid ground or something. On a good day, Jesus can "swim" the 100 meters in 10 seconds flat. That's bad news for the other swimmers, but then they discover it was really good news because the judges always disqualify Jesus' first place win after pointing to the sign on the pool fence that says, "NO RUNNING". Sorry, Jesus. You lose.
8. Poker: Need we say more? Jesus sits there at the poker table like a normal player, except he is like God and stuff and he "knows everything", including what cards each of the other players are holding. Because of his special insights, Jesus knows when to hold'em and when to fold'em. Jesus wins this one. The other players lose almost as much money as if they were righteous members of Jesus' Only Troo Church.
7. The Lottery: Jesus only has to buy one lottery ticket. When it's time for the tuxedo-clad CPA from Price Waterhouse to draw the winning ticket on TV, Jesus simply uses his Godlike powers to make the dude draw the correct ticket number. Jesus wins, and all the other ticket holders lose, just like they figured they would. Imagine their consternation, however, when the news report that evening announces that the winner of the Bazillion Dollar Powerdick Lottery is going to invest it on a Salt Lake City downtown mall.
6. Fortune Telling: Imagine all the money Jesus can rake in when he advertises on a TV infomercial that he can foretell your future for only $19.95 a minute, and also tell you if your boyfriend is cheating on you, and whether the church you go to is troo or not. The only problem here is that Jesus can only make a maximum of $1,197 per hour doing this. Being God is actually worth at least twice that much in today's labor market.
5. Stock Market Investing: The only embarrassing thing here would be if Jesus EVER has a losing trade. There are so many ways Jesus can win at investing that it's not even worth going into details, but we will anyway. 1) Jesus can simply check tomorrow's newspaper today and pick a winner; 2) Jesus can buy a stock, and then order the Holy Ghost to inspire millions of consumers to go buy a Toyota, or eat beef, or buy a new computer, or -- you name it -- whatever will make the stock Jesus bought skyrocket. If that doesn't work, Jesus can just "will" the stock market computer to make his stock go up. No brainer here. At this rate, Jesus could make so much friggin' money he could instruct Gordon to rebate 1% of the tithing back to the members.
4. Football: Imagine your frustration if the quarterback on the opposing team is Jesus Christ. The way around this predicament would be, after the ball is hiked to Jesus, you run over near him and yell, "Jesus Christ, throw me the goddamned ball!" This will take Jesus by surprise, he'll throw you the ball before he realizes whassup, and you'll have the ball and can run for a touchdown for your side. Sometimes it's possible to trick even Jesus. Jesus loses this one.
3. Baseball: The question here is whether the umpire will allow Jesus to use his cross for a bat. It has more surface area than a regular bat and also weighs more. Because of that, if Jesus connects with a fast pitch, he will not only blast the ball out of the stadium, but will probably rocket the damn thing all the way to Kolob. The umpire will probably call, "Foul Ball!" which will probably make Jesus mad. In that case, I sure wouldn't want to be the umpire. Geeze! How friggin' stupid can you be? Call a foul on Jesus? What are you thinkin', Dude?
2. Chess: What idiot would engage The Savior in a chess game? Even if you have a clear shot at Jesus' bishop, are you really gonna take out the Bishop of the Son of God? Our advice to you is just let Jesus win. Even if you won the game against Jesus, you would lose everything else that matters. What are you gonna do? Go around town wearing a T-Shirt that says, "I CHECKMATED JESUS"? Talk about a lightning attractor. Just let him win, man. Don't be a fool.
1. Marriage: We saved this one for last. How to win being married to The Savior. When you get into an argument, and you lose your cool, and you cry out in desperation, "Who do you think you are, Jesus Fuckin' H. Christ?" As soon as the words escape your lips, you realize that you just lost the argument. I doesn't even matter what the argument is about. You lose. Jesus wins again.
FINAL SCORE: Jesus: 7 You: 3 Jesus wins. What did you friggin' expect, anyway?
10. Why the Three Nephites don't mind being together day and night for centuries.
9. What Zelph, the White Indian, teaches us about skin color.
8. You should still buckle your SUV seat belt even though your garments always protect you.
7. Why your whole apron is green, not just the fig leaves.
6. There is no historical medical evidence the Prophet Joseph Smith suffered from spermal incontinence.
5. How to get over the guilt you feel for not converting at a younger age.
4. Will a man still have priesthood even if he has a sex change operation?
3. Why taking your children on a vacation to Nauvoo is better than a trip to Disney World.
2. Do you need to talk to your Bishop if you made a mistake on your ballot, voted the wrong way, but were too embarassed to ask the election worker for a new one?
1. The amazing similiarities between a Black Hole and Kolob found in the Pearl of Great Price.
Nobody leaves the Church because it's false. Obviously they need to FIND reasons to leave the Church to help justify their cocaine habit. I have even regrettably seen people justify extramarital affairs by pointing to Joseph Smith as the reason. However, they are wrong because Joseph Smith was of course 'legally' married to these women according to the laws that he received from God. So here is the list.
10. The Devil made them do it. They are possessed by Satan, and were they in their right mind, they would continue being drones...er...I mean members in full fellowship.
09. They were offended. Someone called them baldy at a Church Social and they have never been back.
08. They want to sin. They are tired of having to wank off in secret and feel the guilt about it, so they leave the church so they can wank off guilt free.
07. Oh, they have a testimony, but they have just forgotten that they did. Usually a good whack to the head will relieve the amnesia and they will be GA material once again.
06. They are too lazy to live the Gospel. Yes, it is a gospel of action, and most of these people have become INACTIVE. Don't let the fact that you saw these people out jogging on Sunday make you THINK they are active, they really aren't.
05. They have SOME reason not related at all to the Church which makes them 'non-believers', either they evade taxes and are embarrassed to grace an LDS Church for fear of lightning striking them, or they have zits.
04. They think they are still active LDS, but have joined that 'Sealed-Portion' group of believers and been ex'd by the TRUE church. These people are in a TRULY sorry state. They think they are SAVED, when really they are SPENT.
03. The Church kicks them out. Sometimes people get these wacky ideas that they can think for themselves and start talking about stuff like 'Heavenly Mother' and get kicked out by the leaders. Women should learn to keep silence in the Church, unless they are a mother who knows.
02. They have been deceived by the cunning and craftiness of men. You know, I get the urge to leave the Church too every time I watch Hometime on PBS, or This Old House. Those are crafty men, but I would not fall for their subtle arguments that will lead you down to hell and a lower winter heating bill.
01. The Church is Boring. Yes, I admit that I agree, it is boring. That is the Beauty of it!
00. So called science which shows that everything the Church teaches about most everything is wrong. Well like the Prophets are always saying, the teachings of Science are subject to change and eventually will correspond with what the Church says...even if the Church has to change to correspond with what science says. (oh, don't read that last sentence please)
and that's why people leave the Church.
10. If the prophet told you to move to Independence, MO—would you?
9. If polygamy was reinstituted—would you participate?
8. If your bishop advised you to no longer speak with an inactive relative—would you follow his counsel?
7. If tithing were raised to 15%--would you pay it?
6. If the prophet asked you to sign over all your assets to the church—would you?
5. If the prophet asked the members to send their first-born sons to SLC for protection and training in the Gospel from the age of 8 until they are 18—would you?
4. If you had a dream in which god commanded you to sacrifice your son to him—would you?
3. If the prophet commanded you to kill an apostate relative—would you?
2. If, at your next temple visit while in the Celestial room, sacramental grape juice is passed around by the matrons and everyone is commanded to drink—would you?
1. If the prophet came to you and asked you to give him your wife to be his spiritual wife—would you?
10. "The Trooth" Suppository: This suppository contains a homeopathic dilution of the Standard Works, the History of the Church, all of Huge Nibley's footnotes, the latest Golden Gleaner Lesson Manual, plus all nine versions of the First Vision - just in case they chose the wrong one to adopt as the Troo Version. Inserting The Trooth directly into your anus give you instant grounding in gospel principles. Unfortunately, there are side effects to The Trooth.
9. Antidepressant Suppository: After inserting Suppository #10, in addition to instantly knowing The Trooth, you will also become instantly depressed as a result of believing with all of your heart, might, mind and strength that God and Jesus have nothing better to do than perform hovering stunts above a masturbating farmboy in upspurt New York. Suppository #9 contains an overdose of Paxil, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Effexor, Remeron, Geodon and Lithium Chloride and is guaran-damn-teed to stop your brain within 5 minutes. With no brain function, you will become a contented Mormon zombie who has no choice but to let Sponge Tom do all of your thinking for you.
8. Home Teaching Suppository: When that dreaded doorbell rings, and you realize your family is about to be assaulted with a disingenuous and annoying visit from two dufuses who hate visiting you as much as you hate being visited, all you have to do is quickly insert Suppository #8 to get through the Home Teaching visit with minimal pain and suffering. After taking this Suppository, the only thing you will be able to say is, "Well, thanks very much for offering, but I think we have everything under control here and don't really need any help with anything. Well, er, except there's a huge clod of constipation and cat hairballs that's caught in the downstairs toilet. Since you offered to help, would you mind reaching down with your hand into the toilet trap and pulling that disgusting and revolting mass of biohazard out for us? I would do it myself, but just the thought of it makes me throw up. Say, would you mind cleaning up my barf also, while you are here? And also, the baby had diarrhea all over his bedroom last night . . . . "
7. Instant Testimony Suppository: When you finally get YOUR TURN at the microphone during Fast and Testimony meeting, quickly reach around and insert Suppository #7 surreptitiously so the other members only think you are scratching your butt. This suppository contains an energetic infusion of Sponge Tom's powerful testimony delivered to the membership during the last General Conference. When you start with, "My Dear Brothers and Sisters . . . " the other members will be instantly spellbound by the powerful humility of your words. By the time you finally say ". . . in the Holy Name of Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of the World, Amen", the other members will feel inferior about their own run-of-the-mill testimonies and will think of you as a Spiritual Giant of Trooth. (Be sure to finish your testimony before the suppository effects wear off, or you will start sounding like just another goddamned, whining complainer with a captive audience.)
6. "What Would Jesus Do" Suppository: When you insert this suppository, your brain is able to skip over the obvious answer when a rational person asks, "What would Jesus do?" in some life sit-you-a-tion. The obvious answer is, of course, "Well, since Jesus is like . . . God . . . and stuff, Jesus can do whatever he wants to do, being omnipotent, omniscient, and stuff. Since I am a mere mortal dufus and like . . . God NOT! . . . then it's butt stupid for me to ask myself what would I do if I were . . . like . . . God." After the suppository numbs your brain enough to be incapable of rational thought, you can go ahead and imagine what you would do if you were Jesus, and come up with answers like . . . do unto others . . . and . . . be kind to animals and babies . . . and . . . avail yourself of those teaching moments when you get a chance to help a young calf learn to nurse better. Stuff like that.
5. Ranzoil Suppository: This suppository is the next best thing when you need a Priesthood Blessing really urgently, but there are no worthy brethren around, or all the brethren with temple recommends are busy masturbating. Just insert the Ranzoil Suppository, which contains a general purpose Priesthood Blessing designed to bless pretty much anything and everything. For example, you could insert the suppository and then wish for a 2 foot long schlong which would be kinda like a magnified calling. Then you could wish to be beamed to Colorado City and be surrounded by a circle with 28 plyg wives and 28 dog butts facing you. Through the power of discernment, the suppository will enable you to guess which is a plyg wife and which is a dog butt - correctly at least 28% of the time. This underscores why the gene pool is so smithed up in plyg communities. When the brethren cannot reliably discern the difference between one of their plyg wives and a dog butt, you can imagine that quite a few dog butts are getting regularly smithed by the brethren - hence butt ugly offspring - which makes it even harder to tell the dog butts from the plyg wives.
4. "Star of Wonder" Pyrotechnic Suppository: This new suppository was designed for celebrating Our Saviour's birth. This one comes with a frozen burrito. Instructions: Insert the "Star of Wonder" suppository, then microwave the burrito and eat it as fast as you can. Within a few minutes, fart gas pressure will build and build. Try to "hold it" as long as possible. When you are about to "give out", drop your pants and spread your garment crack open and point your ass towards Bethlehem. Keep on holding your sphincter shut as long as possible. When you feel the pressure building past your endurance point, plug your ears as the "Star of Wonder" explodes out your asshole and launches skyward. The pressure gradient will trigger the onboard pyro-fuse and the fireworks will start spewing behind the sub-orbital projectile as it hurtles towards the place of Our Savior's birth. Thousands, if not millions of faithful will witness the fireworks spectacle, with each and every one receiving a strengthening of their testimony of the Savior's Birth. Artists may paint the spectacle for publication on Christmas Cards.
3. Sacrament Meeting Air Quality Suppository: Plug this one in 5 minutes before Sacrament Meeting. It will stop all of your farts for 100 minutes. If everyone your ward uses one of these, fewer members will pass out during the meeting, particularly on hot summer afternoons. This will be an extra incentive for the last speaker to end before the suppositories finally give out and flood the chapel with noxious fart gas.
2. Cellphone Ringtone Suppository: This one plays a Come, Come Ye Saints ringtone each and every time you fart. This can be handy when you get stuck talking to the ward crazy person in the foyer after church. You can just fart, make a ringtone, and then politely say, "Sorry to be so rude, but I think it's the Stake President calling me."
1. Academy Award Actor Suppository: Insert this one just before going in for your annual temple recommend interview with your bishop. This suppository is imbued with a homeopathic dilution of the composite acting talent from each and every academy award winner since the awards started. When you answer the bishop's probing questions about your worthiness and spirituality, you will be able to lie so convincingly, that - don't be surprised if the bishop end's up in tears when he realizes just how incredibly righteous you are. He may even call you on a mission . . to clean toilets or pull weeds or something like that.
10. LDS Temple Ceremony mainly done with film. FLDS is live action.
9. Eve is presumed naked in LDS Temple Ceremony. Eve IS naked in FLDS Temple Ceremony.
8.Adam is presumed naked in LDS Temple Film. Adam IS naked in FLDS Temple Ceremony.
7. Old men and women generally sleep during LDS Temple Ceremony. Old men stay at attention in FLDS Temple Ceremony.
6. "Let us go down." is much more emphasized in FLDS Temple Ceremony.
5. FLDS Temple Ceremony doesn't require sashes and aprons or Bakers Caps.
4. Though the Consecrated OIL is abundantly used.
3. Much more intimate 5 points of fellowship in FLDS Ceremony
2. Pay Lay Ale is Pay LAID Ale in FLDS Ceremony.
1. Low Temple attendance not an issue for FLDS Church
10. Captain Kangaroo with a worse haircut
9. Forrest Gump after too many boxes of chocolates
8. Rush Limbaugh for kindergartners
7. Barney the Dinosaur
6. Baby Huey
5. A brain-damaged Jeffrey Holland
4. An elderly, obese Eddie Haskell
3. Burgess Meredith as The Penguin (but without the wit)
2. Comic Book Guy sans ponytail
1. Just another fake prophet
10. Your favorite cliche is "One RFM post a day keeps the psychiatrist away."
9. Your typing speed has gone from 13 wpm to 72 wpm just from posting on RFM.
8. The only thing that enables you the sheer willpower needed to sit through an entire family member's baptism/blessing/talk at sacrament meeting is the thought of what ridiculous and/or amusing story you will share on RFM as soon as you get home.
7. You start with the shakes if you don't get your daily (if not hourly) dose of RFM.
6. You tell yourself, "I'll just log in real quick or but I only read a couple!, or especially I could stop if I really wanted to."
5. You quit your job and dedicate your career to "the building up of" RFM. Your new business cards read: Molly/Morton MoMoNoMo, Analytical Engineer/Programmer, RFM.
4. Your internet was down for 2 days and when you finally get back up, there's a post on RFM that reads"URGENT: Has anyone heard from (insert your name here)?!"
3. In daily conversations you find yourself saying, "as my buddy Steve, Bob, Stray Mutt, Cheryl or Tal always says..."
2. You spend more time at work thinking up items for this list than actually doing your job.
1. You apply for protection under the "Americans with Disabilities Act" to have a longer lunch hour to be able to surf RFM.
10. You may get empty platitudes, but at least they sound vaguely poetic.
9. Someone had to stand up against improperly chilled milk.
8. Anyone who goes mano a mano with the Stasi has to be pretty tough.
7. All those widows can't be wrong about him.
6. "I don't know that we teach it" replaced by cute stories of Little Tommy and his train set.
5. If he can stand firm against reason and science, so can I.
4. Tough call, but I prefer Monson's kindergarten sing-song voice to Hinckley's homespun droning.
3. It's high time pigeon-raising got the respect it deserves, damn it!
2. Who's more spiritual: newspaper executive or PR flack? No contest.
1. I for one can never get enough of Monson's humble self-congratulation.
10. Sell "Church Attendance Credit Gift Cards". For only $50, members can buy a gift card entitling them to play hookie from all Church meetings for one Sunday and not be damned to hell for being a slothful servant and acting like a normal person. This promotion will be so spectacularly successful that the Church will be able to sell off all its chapels because nobody will show up for Church any more. The extra revenue might be enough to cover the cost overruns for the Salt Lake City Church Mall project. Nobody will come to Church, and the Church will make billions of dollars of additional revenue. The Bishop will be able to hold worthlessness interviews in his home, which will consist of punching one gift card for each week the member did not come to Church. Gift Cards will be sold online. When an entire year of Gift Cards is purchased in advance, there is a 10% discount. So 52 weeks of Sunday freedom will cost $2,600 minus 10% = $2,340 to start enjoying two-day weekends like normal people do.
9. Sell "Temple Attendance Credit Gift Cards". Same idea as #10, except members purchasing cards will get credit for going to the temple without actually having to actually squander an otherwise useful day -- totally wasted going to the temple and performing ordinances for a computer generated name of someone you don't know and who probably doesn't exist anyway, like Nephi and Moroni, for example. Which reminds me, there is no mention of temples in the Book of Mormon. Has "the work" been done for all the Book of Mormon characters? And what about other equally real characters, like Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck. Wait! They are talking animals that never existed. How about Superman, Spiderman, and characters from all the fiction books that have been written over human history. What about doing "the work" for all of them?
8. Sell "Little Factory Oooh Oooh OOOH! Absolution Gift Cards" aka "Boyd K. Packer Memorial Gift Cards" aka "Elder C. Harry Palm Gift Cards". For only $10 members (males) can purchase one guilt-free jerkoff. The price is $10 in advance, or $25 for a special "Morning After" jerkoff absolution card. This promotion is potentially habit forming, but the best promotions are those resulting in addiction of the consumer. This promotion has the potential to generate even more revenue than Promo #10 above.
7. Sell "Stay Home From Church and Jerk Off Gift Cards". The Presiding Brethren were inspired to offer this package deal for those members who want to especially enjoy their Sunday free time. When purchased in a package deal, the price is only 10% more than when purchased separately.
6. Sell a new Church sponsored temple ceremony DVD entitled "Adams & Eves Have Lost Their Leaves -- Director's Cut". This is the really inspired version of the Temple Ceremony. The old version has been waning in popularity on account of the same people watching it over and over (and over) with no sequels or cliff-hanger epilogues to keep the attention of the audience. This officially sanctioned movie with actual footage of hunky Adams and hottie Eves multiplying and replenishing will sell like hotcakes when members realize they can "legally" stay home and watch a sacred porn movie instead of boring themselfes to death by going to Church again.
5. For the sisters, sell the new and improved "Holy Ghost Overshadower (R) Battery Powered Priestood Simulator " aka the "Oh, Mary! Mother of God! (R) Priesthood Probe". Talk about something way more fun than Sacrament Meeting! The Presiding Brethren are hopeful that the revenue from Priesthood Simulator sales will offset the decrease in Mormon birthrate caused by the sisters spending more Simulator Time and their eternal companions going through stacks of Gift Card #8 above.
4. The Brethren understand that protecting the ongoing revenue stream is even more important than "Give Said the Little Stream" which is a secret code word for "Give Said the Big Revenue Stream". The sisters are required to purchase Deseret Brand Extra Batteries for their Priesthood Simulators from their local Bishop. Bishops are encouraged to recycle the dead battrees by reselling them as new ones, thereby increasing revenue even more.
3. To stimulate even more interest in 21st Century Temple Work, the Church will sell Adam & Eve Calendars for the brethren to check while using their Boyd K. Packet Gift Cards. See #7 and #8 above. This calendar features selected scenes from the DVD temple movie. See #6 above. The Presiding Brethren sure had to admit that the human body sure is beautiful, particularly the Willowy Young Black Thing playing Eve in the temple DVD movie.
2. Sell the new Deseret Homebuilt Temple Shed Kit. The Presiding Brethren realize that many (if not most) of the Priesthood brethren live in apartments or on small lots where there is no room for a regular size shed. This new homebuilt shed kit is about the size of a phone booth and can be set up in the basement or corner of the living room. There is a hook on the wall for the temple calendar (see #3 above) and a shelf for a box of Kleenex. Even though it appears similar on the outside to a PortaPotty, only the inspired version Temple Shed Kit is sanctioned by the Church. The outside shell is embossed with an upside down Pentagram and various other Masonic symbols found on the Salt Lake Temple. It comes with a miniature statue of Moroni blowing his own horn to be mounted on top. This is expected to be a tremendous hit, not only with the brethren, but also with the sisters, whose eternal companions will now spend most of their spare time in Club Shed and leave them alone.
1. Launch the 21st Century CyberTemple of the Lord. The internet was revealed to Al Gore by God the Eternal Father for the purpose of spreading the Mormon gospel to fill the earth. Starting in 2008, Church members will be able to fulfill all of their member responsibilities by paying the monthly access fee to the Church sanctioned ISP (Inspired Sacredness Provider). For only $19.95 (per day), members will have 24/7 access to interactive temple endowments, simulated baptisms for the dead, Priesthood, Relief Society, Sunday School, Sacrament Meetings, and also Primary and Young Men's and Young Women's meetings. On Fast Sunday, members will be able to speak their testimonies into their PC headset, which will be transmitted to the other members online in the same ward. In addition, keyboard key F1 (Help Key) will be connected by wireless link directly to Kolob and become the "Oh God, Hear the Words of My Mouth" key. Members will be able to simply press [F1] and then type in their prayers and requests for divine intervention with their worthless existences. The Salt Lake City webserver will digitally transmit the Help requests directly to God's and Jesus's computers via a wireless optical fiber mounted atop the Church Office Building and pointed directly at Kolob. No longer will members feel frustrated wondering if God hears their prayers. "I know with every fiber optic of my being that God hears my prayer." Unfortunately, the technology does not yet exist to actually answer their prayers. Maybe later.
10. It is very common for people who leave the LDS church to try and pull others down with them.
9. As the old saying goes...misery loves company!
8. People cant seem to realize that anti-mormon sites usually dont tell all of the truth...duh
7. If poligamy is so evil why did God ask many of the prophets of old to practise it???
6. If God called prophets for 1000s of years to speak to his children in the past why wouldn't he do it today??? perhaps because we dont need to hear him anymore??? perhaps he does not love us anymore??? perhaps he just doesnt have the power anymore???...If there were ever a time to hear the voice of the Lord with all the earths troubles...isnt it now???
5. After 1000s of attempts to prove the book of Mormon false by the best historians of Religion in the world, not one has ANY hard evidence that it is false...(not bad for a farm boy with very little education to make up)
4. There can only be one true church (God will not let the doctrine of his church be 99% correct and 1% made up)
3. Why is it with all these anti-mormon web sites that the LDS church is still the fastest growing church through conversion than any other in the world??? seems pretty good for the "church of the devil"
2. "...the standard of truth has been erected; No un hallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the great Jehovah shall say the work is done."
1. And who ever reads this list and does not post it on this web site is only proving that everything I have stated, is the truth...
Aah! You have looked over my kingdom, and my greatness and glory. Now you want to take possession of the whole of it. I have a word to say concerning you people. If you do not laugh at every joke I make about being ex'd on this list this day, you will be in my power!
10. I don't have to worry about not making it to the Celestial Kingdom. I know exactly where I'm going.
9. I'm the envy of all my member friends since I can be Baptised again and they can't.
8. Instead of being on the reactivation list I've been promoted to the "He fucked up" list.
7. My wife can't get mad at me for not wearing garments since it's now forbidden. (For some reason I feel like wearing them now. Good thing I didn't throw them away. hee hee.)
6. I can go to church without worrying about getting called to the primary, being asked to talk or being threatened with fire and brimstone for not doing my home teaching.
5. Since my tithing is not permitted, I don't have to argue with my wife about not wanting to give one more dime to that piece of shit organization.
4. I don't have to answer questions about my worthiness, my underwear or my factory ever again.
3. Instead of being stuck for all of eternity with Simeon as my new name, I may still be able to get the name I really wanted . . . Anakin.
2. That still small voice inside my head has finally been silenced.
1. Now that I've reached the apex of Disaffected Mormondom, I'm able to trade in my "Holier Than Thou" attitude for a "More Disaffected Than Thou" attitude. Somehow, being Ex'd ranks higher in post Mormon life than resigning or just not going. Maybe it's just me.
At this time in his life, I am sure that he has much to reflect on, considering that he will be passing on in the near future. So what sort of regrets do you think he has?
10. Never Trying Rogaine or Avacor.
9. Not finding an excuse to excommunicate Boyd KKK Packer.
8. Turning down opportunity to merge McTemples with a McDonalds drive thru.
7. Buying those Hoffman Forgeries.
6. Going on Mike Wallace and Larry King and sticking his foot in his mouth.
5. ED while trying to get it on with Sheri Dew
4. Sheri Dew heading to the bathroom and puking when GBH got naked.
3. Never having any revelations from God other than about Earrings and Tattoos.
2. People confusing him with Dave Thomas of Wendy's fame and asking for free Hamburger coupons when he travels anonymously.
1. Having Polygamy relegalized when he's to old to get it 'up' and to use his status as the prophet of God to get some hot tail like Brigham Young and Joseph Smith did.
10. Sacralectomy. The removal of rancid undigestable sacrament bread from from the large intestine. This malady is blamed for the large number of obese people in the state.
9. Auditory canal enlargement. Many church members experince shrinking of the auditory canal as it tries to protect the brain from offensive religious noise. Many patients request a canal block that is automatically activated only on sundays after this procedure.
8. Age of eight bypass. Many children are wanting this operation to keep from being baptized by their idiot parents. Children can skip the age of eight and go on to lead normal lives.
7. Repetitive Arm Motion Disorder Surgery. There are several related disorders. Constant raising of the right arm to the square and extending the arm to grasp small cups of water are the two most common problems. One disorder that is on the increase is the pain suffered in the arm and hand when a home owner extends the arm to strike a home teacher in the face at the front door.
6. Indented Forehead Syndrome. This malady is very common among X-mormons. When they realize how stupid they have been for believing the mormon church all those years they inadverdently strike their foreheads with the palm of their hand repeatedly.
5. Chlorination Poisoning Detox. Although the mormon church claims no correlation between sacrament meeting attendance and CP many are doubtful and do see a link between the two.
4. Enlarged Ego Disorder. This disorder has been around for decades and there doesn't seem to be a cure dispite the best efforts of top teams of research doctors. EED tends to crowd out the normally functioning brain cells and leaves virtually no room for critical thinking.
3. Flattened kneecap restoration. Again this disorder seems to target LDS church members, especially those that are in need of blessings from above. Some members have been known to use their knees multiple times a day and even through the night in a vain attempt to con their god out of undeserved blessing and rewards.
2. Tear duct dampness disorder. TDDD is often accomanpanied by Elevated Bosom Temperature Syndrome and seems to occur when someone is lying to themselves and others in a public meeting place. The cure includes a hard smack to the head with a 4x4 or an oak table leg.
1. Flattened wife refusal to reinflate syndrome. Common among mormon women who view themselves and are treated as doormats. These women refuse to reinflate even when given blessings by those that look at them as doormats. FWRTRS victims need only to renounce their affiliation with assholes to begin the reinflation process.
10.The nation's capital will be moved from Washinton D.C to Jackson County Missouri.
9.The new White House will have spires and an angel Moroni on top.
8.The Oval Office will be decorated with mirrors and crystal chandeliers, and we will be referred to as the Celestial Room.
7.Introduction will be President and Sister Romney.
6.No more "Hail to the Chief".......It will now be "We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet".
5.The Cabinet will be renamed.....The General Authorities.
4.All Cabinet members must be endowed and sealed to Mitt.
3.The State room will be replaced with a Cultural Hall.
2.The Washington Monument will be moved to Missouri and named, Joseph's Shaft.
1. Mitt will ride a white horse to his inauguration while singing, "Onward Christian Warrior".
10. Mom, Dad's snoring again. Mom? Mom?
9. Final Four or priesthood session ... tough choice.
8. Finally, a Sabbath day that really is a day of rest.
7. Don't worry about President Hinckley. We keep an emergency supply of unicorn blood under his chair.
6. This is really going to be a historic conference! Yes, we'll be hearing the same recycled stuff we've been hearing for years, but this time we'll hear it from a different group of geriatric white men.
5. No, President Monson, it would not be appropriate to start "the wave" in the conference center.
4. I just go weak in the knees when that Richard G. Scott pleads for something.
3. Women are placed on a pedestal of reverence in the church; that's why we only let one or two speak during conference.
2. I hear some Paraguayans donated their gold fillings to pay for the floral arrangements.
1. Do you think conference was this boring in Joseph Smith's time?
Since all faithful lds women will someday have the privilege of becoming a plural wife (if they are obedient and endure to the end).....here's the list:
10) Host "practice harem' sleepovers with 10 or so of your favorite Sisters. Rotate playing the head wife.
9) Spend Spring Break with the fundies.
8) Hold "Big Love" viewing parties with "Big Love" trivia games afterwards.
7) Hire a hooker for their current husband and listen in thru the wall in the next room.
6) Volunteer for the nursery and pretend they're all your own children.
5) Do the laundry for the neighborhood...nothing says sisterly intimacy like doing someone else's dirty underwear.
4) Only have sex four time a year. After all, your heavenly husband will be trying to service lots of his other wives, better get used to rationing....and you'll be pregnant most of the time so get used to it.
3) Get pictures of all the TBM women without TBM husbands in the Ward or your non-member neighbors and make masks out of them. Wear a different one to bed each night and use a different voice.
2) Perfect one cleaning skill. Develop a matrix for the Ward that divides ordinary household chores, and encourage eaxch Sisiter to choose a unique skill. This can, of course, be coordinated Stake-wide. This will ensure Heavenly households are pre-organized and will save more time for popping out Spirit babies.
1) Develop a physical fitness regimen that focuses on womb development and stamina. Organize Womb Workout Groups (WWGs) in your Ward.
10. Thomas S Monson will astound and amaze the congregation by having all 1,397 widows present stand in unison and sing his praises for attending to each and everyone of their person special needs the past year. Warm fuzzies and tears will be shared by all present except for the 976 widowers present who President Monson has completely ignored for years.
9. General Authorities salaries to be paid in kind from donations to Deseret Industries. Also GA air travel to be downgraded from First Class to coach.
8. The first sitting apostle to take up residence west of the Jordan River in Salt Lake City will permanently move up three seats in the seniority ranking of the Quorum of the Twelve. The cities of Magna, Kearns, West Jordan, Herriman and even Tooele have passed tax exemption status for any General Authorities who will take up residence within their city limits.
7. Daniel C Peterson from FARMS - BYU will speak in tongues (mostly Re-formed Egytpian) regarding the Limited Geography Theory of the Book of Mormon thus administering a stern "spiritual spanking" on believing bottoms of The Children of Lehi in attendance at General Conference. President Spencer W Kimball will turn over in his grave, unless he's already been resurrected.
6. The office of Patriarch to the Church will be re-instituted and must be filled by one who is gay in honor of the late patriarch, Joseph F. Smith. queer_mormons.shtml
5. In the sustaining of church officers, those opposed will be given equal time at the pulpit to ventilate their concerns but will still be excommunicated in mass on the spot and then escorted out of the Conference Center.
4. Richard G Scott will be "inducted" into the International Hypnotics Hall of Fame after all 22,000 attendees are once again mesmerized into glassy eyed stupors by his sermon.
3. Dallin H Oaks will be inducted into the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Hall of Fame after finally succeeding in stage managing Boyd K Packer during General Conference's three ring Celestial Circus.
2. Copying major league baseball, the Seventh Speaker Stretch will be instituted to allowed to return blood circulation to the heads and buttocks of conference goers. A peppy organ recital and sing along of "Take Me Out to Bath Room" shall "awake and arise" all of those not suffering from catatonia.
1. Seniority in the Quorum of the Twelve will now be based on penis size rather than age, thus maintaining the tradition started by Joseph Smith in Kirthland and Nauvoo. Unfortunately this will demote President Packer to the bottom of the priesthood pile.
This could have been funny but it's just awkward. If you knew any real Mormons, you'd know that they can laugh at themselves much more effectively than your efforts. - 10/12/2013 - Sneaky
This guys not sick. He's entitled to his opinion. Let him share it. That's the beauty of living in the United States. People can say whatever they want about whatever. I will say this though: You should dedicate your time and energy to doing something worthwhile. Maybe using your wit and humor to convince people to travel to sites of natural disasters to help them out? Oh, and the "Mormons are a cult" thing is so lame and played out. By the standards you outlined, all people dedicated to a religion are members of a cult. - 04/26/2010 - Banzai___________________________________________
honestly, how can you guys do this? are you that dumb?! i was non-denominational penicostal, what ever you want to call it. i fell in love with a guy in high school and im going to marry him. he is mormon.
i read the book of mormom, i believe it is true, and there is no doubt in my mind about it. can you guys be so closed minded that you rag on people that are different from you. its because they arent baptists that you do this.
well guess what, unlike most churches, the mormon church actually uses tithes FOR the church, not the pastor as a tip. people actually care for others.
i mean do you know anything about religion or being LDS? if you want to know the truth, how about you ask a mormon, not your pastor. - 12/19/2008 - kristy "clueless" rowden
I'm not sure how I stumbled upon this page, but it got me a good laugh and I rather enjoyed it. I have to say that Mormonism is a monster, and I am truly disgusted with myself that I just wasted the first seventeen and a half years believing in the crap they profess. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, but Joseph Smith was just taking advantage of a time in American history where if you didn't have a religion, you were burned at the stake. If I wasn't a woman and if I lived back then, I'd also have a religion that makes up a noticeable percentage of the world's population. It's not hard to lie, and Christians are gullible.
I've had my heart and eyes and mind open during my time in the church and I can say (and this is from the mouth of babes, as my grandmother used to tell my mother) that this sect of Christianity does not deserve the "Christ" in its name. Never have I seen a church operate under the 'direction' to "Love thy neighbor as thyself, but only if he is LIKE thyself". Hell, the CATHOLICS let me spend a night in their cathedral when I was banished from my house for the weekend when I told my parents I didn't want to go to church. Did anybody in my ward offer me even dinner? Nope. Did the bishop- THAT NIGHT- go out of his way to send out an email to everyone in the ward telling them not to let their children have anything to do with me? You bet.
I hate to say, but leaving Mormonism has not made me a bad person. I'm still open minded, I still have my beliefs, I still think that you shouldn't need a religion to scare you into behaving, and I still believe that all humans are created equal and the only prerequisite to whether or not we should help them is if they are able to help themselves and if so are they willing to help us help them- not whether or not they promise to come to our church and give us 10% of what they need every penny of to feed their starving relatives.
I haven't started smoking, I haven't started drinking, I haven't started doing drugs, and I certainly haven't started having sex out the wazoo. I am off my Lexapro and my doctor has said I'm healthier than he's ever seen me, and my psychiatrist is pretty well useless to me at this point. I'm not saying, "Quick! Everyone! Jump off the Mormon Titanic!" but I am saying, "This is what was best for me just as you feel Mormonism is best for you." Don't judge me and I won't judge you.
If you're a Mormon and you're on this page and you've read THIS far... all I have to say is good job! Now, if your testimony really is strong and if your faith is actually tried and true and if your church is really so immovable, then think about all you've read here, take it with you and do some research. Your testimony is hard and strong and unbreakable, right? So what can it hurt? If your testimony was harmed by reading anything on here, then you seriously need to ask yourself if you truly believe what you believe or not. - 10/26/2008 - The Laurasaur.
You don't know what the heck you are talking about!! Top ten reasons why you should actually Check for yourself and not rely on all that others say.
1. Have you ever made a visit to the church? I din't think so and if you did was it just to play basketball?
2. Have you ever read the book of Mormon? I didn't think so because if you had you would have got something out of it. And maybe you would see exactly what we do believe. Instead of making stuff up.
3. It really does not matter what you say, we will know real soon who is wrong and who is right when we are in front of God.
4. Have you forgotten how this great nation was founded? Have you forgot that we are all brothers and sisters? Have you forgot that we have the right to believe what we want to? Well maybe you should think about that a little bit.
5. If you remember which I think most of you do that the savior himself taught about how we should judge? Be careful how you judge, you will be judged the same way at the last day.
6. Have I said anything bad about any other religion at this point? True knowledge comes through pondering and studying that which uplifts and brings peace into our hearts. Pay attention to what you feel the next time you read some anti-Mormon material. See if you feel good aobut yourself making fun of somebody else. How would you like it if we told lies about you and spreaad it to everyone else.
7.Have you even heard the Prophet speak? Well,its pretty easy to judge somebody before you have meet them. They could be a great person but you have not taken the time to learn and get to know them.
8.If we truly believe in the same God, then we would know that God does not change and that he still loves us. If we truely believe that all truth comes from him, than why do we all teach different truths? Why are we not in the same place? Is God ruled by confusion? I didn't think so.
9.Liars shall be thrust down to Hell!! Go ahead lie a little more see where it gets yah. Do you really think that you can stop God's work? 10. Do you really say that you believe in the bible? Because you have no clue what you read and did not understand it. Or you are just hypocrites and can't practice what christ preached so instead you take your anger out on somebody else who can. - 10/18/2008 - by anonimous
Don't you have anything better to do? What a sad life! - 09/28/2008 - Wow
you are sick - 08/22/2008 - anon
Wow, this is a pretty pathetic site. I only found it through an obviously bad search criteria. Won't make THAT mistake again!! - 08/17/2008 - anon
What a sad,petty, pathetic life your contributors have. Have you ever done anything meaningful? You are so fortunate that God loves you anyway. - 07/29/2008 - anon
To the last commenter, I think that this is the point of all this, to hurt other people testimonies. This is indeed a tactic that I could see Satan using. Read in the Pearl of Great Price Student Manuel about the signs of the times and False Prophets.... the people who wrote or have in anyway connection of the mocking on this site are going to have a very interesting discussion with Jesus Christ come judgment day as much as I hate the things that have been written here - what they will have to go through will make what I am feeling now a piece of cake. I will never come back to this site, nor will I ever have anything to do with David Letterman!!! I know that the truth I feel comes from the Holy Ghost and so it does not take a college degree to guess where their truth comes from - turn away and ignore them... remember the scripture that God will not be mocked-- leave them in hands.. - 07/19/2008 - Jan San
These "jokes" arent funny. I dont know who youre trying to impress by showing off with your ignorance towards the Latter-day Saint faith. I know the church is true. I KNOW it. I do not only have the faith, but I have studied and worked hard to earn my knowledge. And your offensive remarks toward something you clearly do not care to understand, cannot, and will not shake a firm foundation being Jesus Christ himself. Why dont you learn a thing or two and read the Book of Mormon before you make fun of it. Maybe then you'll actually know what you are making fun before you make up your own facts. - 06/29/2008 - Connie
Letterman and his writers are ignorant. If they took the time to see what the LDS church's values are, and what the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches, then they would have the upmost respect and would regret every writing such horrible things. - 04/30/2008 - anon
Editor's Note: If you think Letterman cares enough about Mormonism to write up any top tens about the cult, you are mistaken.
Provo, Utah -- BYU President M. Aster Bateman announced in a press conference today that the name of the well-known Mormon issues research entity previously designated F.A.R.M.S. has been changed to "BYU Department of Anthro-apology". The new department will be chaired by Juan DerWeier Maipetersbeen, who has been a the chief spokesmodel for F.A.R.M.S. for the past 27 years. The organization's periodic newsletter title will be changed to "Anthro-apology Today" and subtitled "Hinckley's Believe It or Else!" The website URL will also be changed to: www.icantbelieveitsnotbullshit.com - 03/05/2008 - Blash
Do you have ANY respect for our religion? And how come its just US you pick on? How come you dont make fun of buddists, or jews, or catholics?? I mean, GET A LIFE!!! ACT YOUR OWN AGE!!! GO TO E-HARMONY FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!! - 03/05/2008 - Imani
Ha Ha Ha o my gosh this is funny, almost as funny as you burning in hell, Ha Ha Ha come on lets share a laugh huh? - 02/17/2008 - Landon
wow u really dont know anything about mormons - 02/11/2008 - anon
You have earned your place in either Hell or Outer darkness depending on how you got to this point.
Even using evolution you can prove the existence of a supreme being if your mind is open for a moment. The most closed minds are among those who see themselves as open and liberated. The most open among is all are those who can see good in everything and chose that which seems best to live by and promote. Those who seek revenge, are critical, detract, mock, or tear down in any way etc. are negative influences and will be remembered as such by everyone, and will not have significant increase or respect in this world or the world to come. - 11/18/2007 - APositiveInfluence
Hmmm I see you have a few issues - 11/10/2007 - Tai Foon
I'm sorry that you don't like the Mormon church. However it is rude for you to be saying such vulgar and inappropriate things about the church. Many on this site have apparently been members, and you know that the things you are posting are obviously not true. The teachings of the church are positive and try to enforce a good life and happiness to its members, and many outside the church as well. I am aware that this is a free country and you are allowed to express your opinions, so I will not try to tell you to stop. I will however say this-that I wholeheartedly disagree with what you are saying about this church. I am sorry that you are bitter about The Mormons and their church, but as I said this is not and appropriate outlet for your negative thoughts and feelings about the church. Please don't be offended by what I am telling you. This is just my opinion, but please think about what I have said. - 10/01/2007 - anon
With the amount of time you spent making this website you could have done some good in the world - 09/29/2007 - anon
i dont like this. i dont think its funny. i hope that the light of christ comes back into your lives. your also hurting a lot of other peoples testimonies by posting this. - 06/12/2007 - ananymous
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