I've been a longtime lurker off and on for probably three years now, and thought I'd finally post a share my experiences growing up as a Mormon for most of my childhood. (as a note: this is all set in the suburbs of large cities--not in the Mormon corridor)

Some background first--I'm technically a convert I suppose. My parents divorced when I was young. My mother had us join the church when I was about 8 when she chose to marry a nice Mormon man. At first I think it was to please him--though I know she now truly believes. I joined because she was (though I did believe for a little while).

In fact, I clearly recall proclaiming myself agnostic as early as 7th grade to my friends (I never claimed to be Mormon at my schools), though I now consider my beliefs closer to deist. Mind you, my non-belief was due to my complete lack of a belief in god, and not anything unique to Mormonism (though I learned in later years) I pretty much kept up a two-faced facade for church through my years at home.

My first inklings were as an early teenager when I noticed in the Book of Mormon it mentioned horses, elephants, and other animals not native to america. I naively asked why this was. My parents simply told me to talk to the bishop if I has those kind of questions, though I never did. In fact, I remember that before I truly stopped believing, it was my 5th grade year and we were learning about the Bering Strait. I proudly told my parents that I wasn't listening that day because I KNEW it wasn't true.

Fast forward several years to my junior year of high school. I was living in a very wealthy suburb that had 5 wards for a population of only 80k, so very large for outside of Utah. Somehow I managed to hold up my two personality act and so as far as my ward was concerned I was the perfect Mormon boy. I was asked to serve on the stake youth council--a group assigned to plan our youth conference that year as well as a mormon prom.

Interesting anecdote on the latter--the Mormon parents in our stake felt regular prom was too explicit for the kiddos, so decided they'd host a modest one. My year on the committee was the first to plan it for the area (I was also on the school prom committee that year so I made sure to voice my resentment about their comments), and so a title was needed that would last through the years. Various ones thrown around included the GOOD prom, the helaman ball, and my favorite The Royalty Ball (because nothing says I'm better than you than calling yourself royalty). They settled on Heritage Ball (I never could discern what that actually meant).

Senior year I began to ask a lot of questions and point a lot of things out that made a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Starting with little things, like correcting the bishop in priests' quorum when he kept saying "Books of Mormon" (because Mormons like to change the rules of grammar when the leaders say it's so). That correction gave me an interview with the stake president because I was contradicted a statement by the area 70. God forbid. Then I began to talk about things in class, mainly about contradictions between past and current prophets--mainly causing a lot of blank stares and moving past my remarks. I haven't really touched much on the brain washing--because I usually came up with things to skip dances, EFY, and youth conference--but my college application process I think gives a good example.

I had already made it quite clear that I had no desire to attend BYU, so I kept putting off applying. A week before deadline (I'd already gotten into, my school of choice and where I attend), my mother freaked out when she found out I hadn't applied yet. She ran to the bishop who began to pressure me to apply. He came out and said, "***, you better apply there, or at least apply to Southern Virginia University, they have a lot of good programs." I asked why, I'd gotten into my school of choice. "Well, you really need to go to a church school, the environments elsewhere aren't conducive to staying active in church." I didn't say anything, but I really wanted to say, "So you want me to sacrifice my education at a top-ranked university whose program I'm entering is ranked #4 in the nation so that I can go to a tier 4 college that doesn't even have my program so I don't risk going inactive...right..."

I'm now off to the big university world, and back home for the break. My house has since moved again. My parents know I'm not going on a mission, but not that I'm leaving the church (I'll leave that fight for another day). I've attended a few ward meetings--and particularly in a fast sunday meeting I was painfully aware of the brainwashing. One man stood up and told us how his garments saved his arm from being severed by a tool of his because he had been cut up and down all the way to the garment line but no further. One young girl proudly told how she KNEW everyone at school thought of her as an example of goodness and that she was proud to be the light of the world (quoting the scripture mastery--they're in new testament at seminary).

My mother--a seminary teacher--nearly had a nervous breakdown with the balance of having that calling and a full-time regular job. The bishop told her she WILL be teaching seminary next year whether she likes it or not, and that she should give up her extras (aka her real job) before giving up the Lord's calling. All of the people there seemed to be trying so hard to appear happy, but I honestly was not buying it because it just wasn't in their speech that they were. It really made me sad for them.

Well, those are a few of my thoughts, a bit scatter brained and all over the place, and I'm sure nothing I've said is new, but I thought I'd contribute parts of my experiences to the board.

I grew up in Happy Valley, Utah. My ancestors were part of the original settlers in Utah, I have a long lineage of mormons in my family. I lived in Utah a total of 18 of my 32 years on this earth.

I think part of my excruciating childhood stems from the fact of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. My mother, a born in the covenant mormon, and father, a convert, wanted their four children to behave in a respectful and courteous manner as the other mormon kids did in the neighborhood.

They were embarassed when my oldest brother started questioning the authority the church held on what was right and wrong at 12. The more my parents pressured my brother to be quiet and just follow along with the other kids, the more he rebelled and asked questions. That got our entire family on the "wrong" side of the church.

Other mormon children were not "allowed" to play at our house without our parents being present because their parents were afraid my oldest brother would "influence" their children. All the while the three remaining children, were doing what was expected. All of us were treated as inferior, and my parents were told if there testimonies were stronger, and they prayed, their "prodigal son" would return to his family and the church. Needless to say, my oldest brother left the church as quickly as he could, My second brother, shorlty after. Which of course was my oldest brothers fault and my parents.

After witnessing my entire youth the ostracism my brothers endured for not following the pack, and then my parents were seen as "unworthy" and "unfaithful" because of their two children, I was bound and determined that I would "reclaim" their faith and show the people around me that my parents were doing what they should be doing. Needless to say that my youth was spent trying to make people believe that my parents were "faithful" and "diligent". We deserved to fit in. I was the oppitimy of the "Good Mormon".

I went to every single church thing I could, I participated in church, I accepted every church calling, I went to seminary and I read scriptures every night. I said my prayers and prayed for my brothers "safe return" to the church. I had a missionary boyfriend I was determined to see return home to me and then we could start the mormon process all over again with our kids.

I moved to Salt Lake City after graduating high school. I went to church every week. Never doubting my mormon existence. I think what finally planted the seed was I missed two sacrament services in a row. The RS president came to my home and asked me if things were ok. I told her they were and that it was just some other things had come up and I was going to be back the following week. The comment, "Be in the world, but not of the world" came across her lips. What? Seriously? Two services I missed, and now I am being worldly? So, I wrote my missionary boyfriend and told him what had happened. His response was, I should always attend my church services before I think of handling anything personal.

Shocked, I asked my parents. They said the same thing. So, I went to my bishop and asked him what was the big deal. My testimony hadn't changed, I loved being in the church, so why all the condemnation for missing two services. I was told that my faith was going to be challenged by satan at every possible moment, and that the only way to protect myself was to come to church. I told him I loved church, and he said that I needed to be cautious about the choices I made in my life because I was making choices that would take me away from the church. OMG! Two missed churches services and now I was on my way to hell. I quoted "Judge not lest ye be judged" and then I was told I shouldn't be angry because anger is an emotion of the devil. I needed to just forget about the comments from the people in the church and focus on the teachings and scriptures, that I would find soulace there. There was nothing anywhere that told me how to handle this kind of thing. I prayed and prayed...nothing.

I was pissed off, I decided to miss a couple of more services, just to see. In two more weeks they sent missionaries to my home, just to check in. AFter inviting them in for cookies and milk. I asked them why they were there. They said that they were concerned for me and the bishop had asked them to stop by and see how I was doing. I told them there was nothing to be concerned, I lied and said I had gone to church with my parents. That satisfied them. AFter two more weeks, I had everyone in my church in an uproar. what was going on with me, I had apparently fallen under the influence of satan and I was going to fall away. The bishop called and wanted to meet with me, I didn't answer his calls for a while. I called him one afternoon and asked him to stop sending over missionaries and all matter of church attendees, that I would not be in any more church functions.

I hadn't spoken to my brothers in 4 years at that point, I had chosen to ostracize them like the rest of the state. I was not going to associate with people that would make me look bad to the rest of my mormon friends. I sometimes denied their existence.

I wrote my missionary boyfriend explaining what was going on. I expected him to support my shock and my amazement at the audacity of people. Instead, he said that if I was not going to attend church, then he could no longer spend a life with me. I decided if someone that was supposed to love me unconditionally, was going to abandon me at the slightest hint of possible social exhile and refuse to help calm my soul, I didn't need them in my life. I never wrote him back and refused and never spoke to him again.

My little experiment proved to me that the mormon church is filled with humans. Not some exhaulted persons with more information about any "truths" God was bestowing upon them and not the rest of the world. Joseph Smith was a regulary man trying to obtain social status through religion. His book was a way to separate his religion from the rest of them. It is no different than all the other churches out there. The church has no authority over anyone or their life choices. Trying to fit into this little church cost me a lot in terms of my family relationships and friendships.

I have since made atonements to my brothers for not honoring their choice to not participate in the church I apologized to my parents for pretending that I could make them appear to belong and then ripping it from them. I called the church and asked them to remove my name from their records. The more I learned about the beginnings of the church, the more I find it's just like all the others. Nothing unique or astounding about it, just people trying to make their way in life the best they can. I choose not to participate.

God loves us all, no matter if we pray or if we don't. He wants us to be happy in life, no matter where that life leads. Churches are like shoes, you find the one that fits best and is the most comfortable to you and if you prefer to go barefoot, there is absolutely nothing wrong in that choice. - 10/28/2009 - Happy Valley - What the ****!

This is absolute bull.. So much so, I knew I didn't even need to read it. I read the single part about your mom becoming a seminary teacher... First of all.. Seminary teachers are not employed by the Bishop. The Bishop doesn't even have the authority to do so, so that entire pseudo conversation between your "mom" and the bishop never even happened. Also, a person goes to school to be a seminary teacher, it's not a calling. The part about the testimony meeting with the man and his garments.. Did you ever think that maybe that stuff actually happens? The people who get up in Testimony meetings are the people that live in your neighbor hood, so you would know what happened to them prior to them even telling the story in Testimony meeting. Another thing.. No teenager writes this organized. Clearly this was written propaganda against the church.. again for who knows what reason.. I can't even figure out why you all spend so much time hating other people. The part about you going to a particular school.. LDS bishops could care less what school you go to. This entire article is full of straight out lies, and it's clear that you either have never been a member of the LDS church, or you know a couple things and have VASTLY stretched them beyond their factual nature. Please... Email me. I would love to hear about this practically racist in nature hatred that you have with the LDS church.. and for what reasoning you have in going out of your way to post it. The church doesn't force anyone to join, they don't even pressure them. I should know, I've been in the church all my life.. I'm less active now, but I still follow the standards, because they are logical and intelligent decisions. Seriously, please email me.. I would love to hear this. - 09/07/2009 - Jeremy, who has no testimony of paragraphs either

my mom was a seminary teacher, too. and she did a fantastic job and I excelled in seminary. I've had lots of challenges in my life, but they only make me a better person. I think you're just too pessimistic their kiddo. I'm only 18, and the church has contributed in making my life great because I've followed the commandments instead of run away and look down on them. I don't get you people. you wouldn't recongnize good and truth if it slapped you in the face. you should've helped your mom with seminary instead of analyze the classmates. - 07/06/2009 - anon

I know zilcho about Mormonism--but good luck in your quest to do what is right for you. Keep strong! - 06/27/2009 - Whoa

I admire your strength and courage. I live in a place where members competely avoid interacting with the rest of society. I asked to have my records removed and instead they were forwarded to my parents ward. Eveytime I tell any member that I used to be mormon they have one of two reactions, their expression reads "you're evil and you're going to poison me with your wicked inbelief" or you still are mormon, you must just not know it anymore. It gets really old, really fast. Good luck with college. - 05/23/2009 - Daniel in Boise

I admire your honesty and boldness, and wish you the very best in life. Please continue to be strong in what YOU believe. - 03/25/2009 - anon