The Mormmy's

Step aside Grammy's. Here come The Mormmy's! Welcome to the best in Mormonia music. Please submit your original lyrics in the text box below.

As of 05/06/2008 this collection contains 294 Mormmy Hits. The official LDS Hymnal contains 296 hymns.
Click on songs with bold letter titles to listen to and sing along with the artists.

D&C 64:23, "For he who is tithed shall not be burned". Fanny Alger is on a mission to get 10% of everyone's gross income. The way we figure it, we won't need to sell a million records if we can just get some Doctors and Lawyers and Sofware Developers to send in their fair share. We don't need a big record deal, we envision making our millions by Tithing our fan base."

Pete's getting jiggywiddit
He's plowing beats up
You got to earn a living
Everybody get proud!

What a wonderful world it would be
If we lived in luxury.
What I'm talking about is you putting out
And us getting down.

Because it's part of the Master Plan
You've got to give all that you can
'Cause when you give it out, you'll get it back
And it just makes sense!
When we're all. Giving 10%

Stu's getting jiggywiddit
He's moving reefers
Paul's building houses
Everybody get proud!

Because I wouldn't be here today
If hard work didn't pay
And I wanna give thanks to all the people
That are working that hard

Because it's part of the Master Plan
You've got to give all that you can
'Cause when you give it out, you'll get it back
And it just makes sense!
We're giving 2, 4, 6, 8, BIG! 10%
Ya, and it feels good.
BRIDGE

Come on. Keep on. Keep on pushing on.

Because it's part of the Master Plan
You've got to give all that you can
'Cause when you give it out, you'll get it back
And it just makes sense!

'Cause wouldn't it be nice to go home every night
And know you're loving it? Kissing it?
It just makes sense
When we're all giving 10%

We're getting jiggywiddit
FANNY ALGER SAVES!!
We got our hat out..
Put some money in it!!!

And come on. Keep on. Keep on, pushing on.
That's right! Just a little further

Come on. Keep on. Keep on, pushing on.
That's right! Just a little harder

It's hard. You will. You will.
You will abide.

Slip off the G's, Bea, Testify it's a crock, Rock
You don't have to be Ex'd, Rex, Just listen to me
Join Ex-mo, Flo, If you want to discuss it
Write your letter today, Ray, And get yourself free

The power is all inside your head, she said to me
It’s just an illusion once you see it logically
I said, don’t mock me. I’m an elder, can’t you see?
There must be fifty ways to use the priesthood

She said, I know you think the power’s in your hand
You believe that God and nature will respond to your command
If that’s true, then why’s your life not going like you planned
If you have fifty ways to use the priesthood?
Fifty ways to use the priesthood

There’s talking to God, Rod
Blessing the sick, Dick
Pray on the bread, Fred
Then pass it to me
Home teaching and splits, Fritz
As righteous as this gets
Just lock up the hall, Paul
‘Cause you’ve got the key

I have more power in my pinkie than the pope
She smiled and chuckled and replied, At least you hope
Then I realized that they’d played me for a dope
About the fifty ways

She said, why don’t you skip your meetings just one night
And think it over later when your garments aren’t so tight
Then she kissed me and I realized I had to choose the right
There can’t be fifty ways to use the priesthood
Fifty ways to use the priesthood

No work for the dead, Fred
No tithing for you, Lou
No sorrow and guilt, Wilt
Just listen to me
No bossing my mate, Nate
No doing what I hate
I’ve got to be me, Lee
And get myself free

Sing a new hymn, Jim
Get a new schpiel, Neal
Tell a few jokes, Oaks
It’s plain as can be
Don’t lie for the Lord, Gord
Don’t sit in your ward bored
Just try to avoid Boyd
And get yourself free

Abuse your brain when any choice is placed before you
Think in sync the Holy Brethren guide
And "we're right!" is forever preaching at you
"We're in the right," you better take our side

chorus:

Chose our right! Don't take flight!
Let whit-dumb mark the way we score.
In dim light chose truth "lite."
Or else we'll arrest you ever more.

1.
Go sell your church,
Your fakey, fakey church;
Try every little schemin' dirty trick.
And when you sell the church,
Your fakey, fakey church;
You gotta emphasize the "wholesome" schtick.

2.
Go feed the sheep,
The golden, golden sheep;
You'll find that they respond quite well to milk.
And when you bring in sheep,
You fellowship those sheep
And pasturize their brains before you bilk.

3.
Search high and low,
Your numbers gotta grow.
Go door-to-door and give them what they seek.
For answers you don't know,
Let BS humbly flow;
Just bow your head and play the part of "meek."

4.
You can spout PR;
It only goes so far;
You can't fool all the people all the time.
You wrote a BriggyBook,
And that was all it took,
To take ridiculous to the sublime.

5.
So, go, sell your church,
Your fakey, fakey church...
There's still a lot of folks that you can fool.
But when they buy your church,
Your fakey, fakey church,
It's only till they go to *exmo* school.

Adam – God!
Our true God;
We were taught
For so long.
At least until it proved insane
To claim we’re Christians just the same.
Now true doctrine is false!
Now true doctrine is false!

Little one,
Mary’s son;
Sired by God,
Jesus was!
Just the same as you and me,
Adam shagged young Mary.
Adam – God what a stud!
Adam – God what a stud!

Once it was taught.
Now it is not.
Who was right?
Who was wrong?
Who’s to say what Mormons believe?
Either way, it’s heresy!
Cognitive dissonance reigns!
Cognitive dissonance reigns!

A mighty fortress is our church,
a prison never failing.
It claims to help us in the flood,
instead it leaves us flailing.
All week they bid us go,
we waste instead of grow,
our talents atrophy,
lose in-di-vid-u-ality:
we morph into our bishop's clone.
Of our resources they have use,
our money, time and energy.
Families exist to help the church,
not the church for the family.
Since they're with God aligned,
we shan't lean on our mind,
then when we get depressed,
demons must be addressed:
we shut our eyes and fo-o-low blind.

(Tune: "To Fig. 7 of Facsimile 2 of the Book of Abraham to the tune of "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" - created by Baura - 02/02/2005)

A mighty wanker hath our god.
A tower of strength ne'er fa-a-a-ling.
A studly deity is our god.
Celestial wives he's na-a-a-iling.

He cometh over all
He useth it to ball
He all did procreate
He'd never masturbate
And it shall stand for e-e-ver more.

I loved Hamlet, he loved me
He killed father, yesiree!
I killed myself and so you see
We are a Shakespeare family.

I grok mother, she groks me
We grok father, yesiree!
He groks us and so you see
We are a Heinlein family.

I love mother, she loves me
I killed father yesiree!
Now I'm blind and I can't see
This is a grecian tragedy.

I love Chachi, he loves me
And my brother, he's Richie
Everybody loves Fonzi!
We are a Happy Days family.

Away in an attic, no room for his head,
The con artist Joseph lay down in his bed.
A glow in the corner his slumber did break
Moroni the Angel appeared and then spake:

"God told me to tell you: you're such a Good Boy,
That He's gonna make you His modern Viceroy."
Joe quivered, he quavered, he shook like a reed,
He rubbed his eyes open, his chonies he peed.

The angel departed, Joe sat up in bed,
A beam in the rooftop did smack his soft head!
The birdies they twittered, the stars they did spin,
"I'm gonna be RICH!" said our country bumpkin.

His Mommy believed all the stories he told,
His Daddy did marvel — his lies were so bold!
The power he'd dreamed of he soon would possess;
Of riches and fame he began to obsess.

Joe walked through the forest, a hill for to find
A plot was unfolding in his scheming mind.
"Some Gold Plates I'll get me…a treasure of old…
A vision of God, and a church…" he extolled.

Joe fell to his knees, for a vision did pray:
Dead silence responded. Joe said: "what the hay?
I'll claim I saw God, who's to say that I din't?
Folks always believe what they read in newsprint!"

I ask thee, dear reader, what say you to this?
A shyster, a grifter, whose product is bliss?!?
Don't buy it, says I, for in jail he should be —
That little brat Joe and his fake history!

Away in the hayloft
No room in his bed,
So Joseph took Fanny
Way up there instead.
The Saints can’t believe
That this rumor is true.
They’d rather see Cowdery
Strung up and run through.

While Emma travailed
To give birth to new life,
Joe Jr., her husband
Found him a new wife.
This Scandal in Kirtland
Caused men’s hearts to fail,
But Joseph’s high council
Cursed Cowdery to hell.

*Then with the Lord's blessing
Eliza he laid,
Then left her there pregnant
And went on his way.
When Emma discovered
Her husband's affair
She threw young Eliza
Headlong down the stairs.

In Illinois Emma
Is at her wits end.
She’s found out that Joseph
Is bedding her friends.
Joe said: Fear not Emma,
I tell you this night,
That God has now told me
Adultery’s alright.

Yes God has now told me adultery’s alright.

*3rd verse created by Sam from RFM

K: Praise the Lord!
B: Praise God!
K: You wanna get married?
B: Sure!
K: Let’s go
B: I’m a Mormon wife, in a Mormon life
In a bubble, safe from trouble
I will cook and clean, and do anything
Pure submission, is my life long mission
K: Come on Honey, give me your money
B: I’m a good little girl in his perfect world
I don’t think, don’t talk back, I’m your dolly
K: You’re my doll and my toy, and must do what I say
Get in bed, just lie still, do your duty
B: You can use and abuse, because now I’m always yours
I’m a Mormom wife, in a Mormon life
In a bubble, safe from trouble
I will cook and clean, and do anything
Pure submission, is my life long mission
K: Come on honey, feed me dinner
B: Ha ha ha yeah
K: Come on honey, fetch my slippers
B: ooh ooh
Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
You’re my gift right from God, I prayed for on my knees
K: Come jump in, bed again, I can do you again
A little fun, then I’m done, after starting
B: You can use and abuse, because now I’m always yours
You can use and abuse, because now I’m always yours
Oh serving God is so much fun
K: Well honey, I’m just getting started
B: Oh I love you so!

In twenty o two, we rallied in Salt Lake
Along with Pres Hinckley, to make those Liberals quake
We took some canned wheat and we took some frozen pizza
And we beat the liberals bloody in the battle of the Plaza

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

We looked in Zion, and we seed homeless homos fret
Hundreds of them! Getting' free porno off the net
"No Justice No Peace" their protest they did sing
We stood behind the profit and did the Mo thing

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

Ol' Hinckley said "the Lord will smite 'em by surprise,
they won't whiz on our flowers, don't apostatize".
We didn't give heed to that pack of Liberal lies,
In F&T meeting "Rush is Right, Ditto-heads" were the cries

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

And they ran through Zion, and they ran through Deseret
And they ran through the archives where Dr Quinn wouldn't go
They ran so fast that the Elders couldn't catch 'em
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

We filed our torts till the ACLU melted down
So we herded up drunk Lamanites, and ran them out of town
We filled their minds with doubt and kissed their behinds
And when we pulled their gaming, they were in a bind

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco


And they ran through Zion, and they ran through Deseret
And they ran through the archives where Dr Quinn wouldn't go
They ran so fast that the Elders couldn't catch 'em
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

They told the missionaries don't you come around here
Make like the holy ghost, you better disappear
They got the curse o'Cain and you know they're drinkin' beer
So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can
Don't be dustin' off your shoes, don't be a macho man
This ain't no preexistence, so they're gonna kick your ass
So beat it, or you know your ass is grass

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how righteous and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

Billion dollar business
Run by Gordon Hinckley
Slicker than a weasel
Slimy little prophet uses God to duck and cover

Billion dollar business
Doesn’t give accounting
Hiding from the faithful
Man or woman living couldn't find out where the tithes go

We go counting money in the basement
Where the widow’s mites are piled up high
If you’re broke, don’t tell me your sad story
Just pay tithing now or else you’ll fry

Billion dollar business
Shopping malls and ranches
Real estate and media
Empire keeps on growing growing growing growing, baby

Billion dollar business
Following the profit
Building up the kingdom
Scaring them with Jesus so they’ll write another check, yeah

We go counting money in the basement
Where the widow’s mites are piled up high
If you’re broke, don’t tell me your sad story
Just pay tithing now or else you’ll fry

Million dollar business
Billion dollar business
Trillion dollar business
Zillion dollar business

Blood Atonement! Blood Atonement!
This true doctrine Brigham preached!
Though the Mormons will deny it,
We have proof they can’t impeach.
Journals, speeches, diaries all,
Sanction this most sacred law!

When dissenters were discovered,
Throats from ear to ear were slit!
If a saint was unrepentant,
God said their blood must be spilt!
Christ’s great sacrifice it seemed,
Could not errant saints redeem.

Love your neighbor! Love your neighbor!
Brigham taught us how we should!
If a saint was deemed a sinner,
With pure love we shed his blood!
Countless souls we’ve surely saved,
Though they lie in unmarked graves!

There's a group at BYU that wants our DNA
Sorenson has too much cash and so he wants to play
Book of Mormon chromosomes, please tell us we're not whacked
Show the band, if the gel, is not cracked

Lamaniteswho came from far across the Bering Straits
Mitochondria from cells with Asiatic traits
Book of Mormon chromosomes, please tell us what we lack
So we that we, can become, white not black

Intellectual genes that we must wipe out and delete
With our breeding program zat ze Fuhrer zinks is neat
Book of Mormon chromosomes that make it so much fun
To believe, that the think-king's been done

Feminists who want the priesthood just like Joseph's wives
Secretly been praying to the goddess all their lives
Book of Mormon chromosomes, why X and not a Y?
If you don't, like it dear, bake a pie!

Deviated sons and daughters whom we all must fear
Why does Boyd K hate them so whose genes that God made queer?
Book of Mormon chromosomes please let me worthy be
Of a church, that can just, let them be

When Jesus wed Mary and they had a kid or two
Did he change the diapers like a Mormon dad should do
Book of Mormon chromosomes, I don't want to impose
But do I, really have, Josh Christ's nose?

There's a group at BYU that wants our DNA
I say we should all be scared as hell and run away
Book of Mormon chromosomes, like the collective Borg
You may not, clone my genes, in your Morg!

A horse is a horse of course, of course.
And no-one can confuse a deer with a horse of course.
that is of course unless the horse is found in the B. o. M.!
Go right to the source and ask John Sorenson,
he'll give you the answer that Mormons endorse.
They're always on a dishonest course,
talk to Brother Mo!

Get your Mo-mouth runnin'
Hand cart out on the highway
Lookin' for the rapture
As Jackson County comes ourway.
Yeah pioneer go make it happen
Take the world in patriarchal embrace
Arise during the resurrection all at once
And explode into space.

We like smoke and mirrors
Mormon doctrine thunder
Blowin' in the wind
And the burnin' bosom we're under.
Yeah pioneer go make it happen
Take your spouse in the temple veil embrace
Baptize your dead all at once
For the entire human race.

Like at true Primary child
We were born, born to be weird
We claim glory so high
To Kolob after we die

Born to be weird
Born to be weird

Each day we slip right out of the sheets
and fall down on our knees to pray
We thank the Lord for all of our blessings
in the proper Mormon way
The Holy Ghost is there to guide us along But we step out in the morning and something just feels wrong
A-ah
There's an empty feeling in the pit of my heart
It's all over -- I don't know where to start
Oh flip, I think I’m going to heave
I guess saints like us, baby, we were born to leave

Bishop let us out, we have too many doubts
Don't think that Joseph had those visions
And the Book of Mormon is a total fraud
Yes, that's our final decision
Together we can flea from this trap
We'll run 'til we drop. No, Bishop, we'll never be back
O-oh
So send our name removal in
Please don't make us call our lawyer
No no, you don't how we feel
We want to live a life that's true
Yeah, we want to live a life that's real

From and early age we read each page and tried to live every law
Then we studied deeper trying to build our faith, we're amazed at the things we saw
The theology is absurdity when judged with a rational mind
We want to kick our patooties for the crap we bought, how could we be so blind!
Huh!

Pay lay ale, and...
History jammed with phony heroes and a bald-faced power grab
The manipulation of credulous souls who were willing to be had
Together, sweetheart, we can leave this sadness
And escape all the madness that eating at our souls
O-oh
Sunday, babe, we'll sleep in late
Have brunch at that place where we always used to go
Then we’ll stroll through the trees
Because saints like us, baby, we were born to leave!

Boyd K. Packer
Was a church employee,
CES was
Where he earned his keep.
Now he runs the quorum of twelve apostles
Truth’s his mortal enemy!

[Chorus]

Hist’ry!
Faithful hist’ry!
This is what the students need!
Some truths
Aren’t that useful
They’ll promote apostasy!
Teachers!
Church paid teachers!
This one truth you must observe;
If some facts should
Lead to doubting
Those are facts they cannot learn!

Church historians
Sure are in a quandary
Do they tell the
Truth or keep the faith?
Surely they’ll be
Excommunicated
If they don’t
Teach Packer’s way!

[Repeat Chorus]

It's a rare condition this day and age
To see monogamous couples in the chapel today
Celestial marriage is the only valid kind
Some people think one wife will suffice
Well there must be some kind of way
To show the sheep the light
Cause all I see
Is apostate beliefs
Perhaps I should give a discourse on it?

As days go by
Bigger reasons for polygamy

Called to clean the chapels of the kingdom
Brooms in hand we rally to the cause.
To and fro we sweep and dust and vacuum.
Just accept and never pause!.

Toilets! Scrubbing toilets! We will scour away that ring!
Toilets! Scrubbing toilets! We will scour away that ring!
Cleaning! Righteous cleaning! As we polish, let’s all sing.
Sparkling chapels (mostly free of Cheerios) is the service that we bring.

Called to dust the pews and sweep the hallways.
Vacuum carpets, empty out the trash.
Work for free, it’s noble and enriching
And you’ll save the church some cash!!!

Toilets! Scrubbing toilets! We will scour away that ring!
Toilets! Scrubbing toilets? We will scour away that ring!
Cleaning! Righteous cleaning! As we polish, let‘s all sing.
Sparkling chapels (mostly free of Cheerios) is the service that we bring.

I have a calling here on Earth.
It has been giv'n to me.
I must fulfill it or be damned
for all eternity.

Callings are giv'n
as spiritual testing.
It's Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be
better than the rest I see.
And the Lord can
help me with that plan.

The Lord can help me
with that plan.

I can't get no revelation
I can't get no revelation
'Cause I pray and I pray and I pray
I can't get Joe, I can't get Joe

When I'm fly'n in Huntsman's jet
And Boyd man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my correlation
I can't get Joe, oh no no no
Pray pray pray, that's what they say

I can't get no inspiration
I can't get no inspiration
'Cause I cry and I cry and I try and I try
I can't get Joe, can't get Joe

When I'm with Larry King on TV
And that man questions how prophets be
How Jesus must be just ignoring me
But he can't be a Mo 'cause he doesn't blow smoke
Right out his ass as me
I can't get Joe, oh no no no
Hey, pray pray, that's what they say

I get no burning sensation
I get no burning sensation
'Cause I try and I lie and I die
I can't make doe, I can't make doe

When I'm sound bite'n the world
And I'm say'n this and I'm deny'n that
And I'm tryin' to slate Opra Winfrey
She tells me Gordy, your story is boring and weak
'Cause you see I'm on a losing streak
I can't get Joe, oh no no no I can't get Joe, oh no no no
Hey stay stay, tha't what I pray

I can't get Joe, I can't get Joe
I can't get no adoration
No revelation, no inspiration, no adoration

Baby slobber, and baby poo
Worship the Mormon way
There's sweaty clothes and Cheerios
What’s that funky air beside you?
Ooooh that smell
Can’t you place that smell?
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

Nursing mother is upon you
Messy baby in her arms (ya fool, you)
Don’t take another whiff, it’s sure to make you sick
One more breath, fool, will gag you (hell yeah)
Ooooh that smell
Just can’t shake that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

Moldy carpet in the hallway
Kid threw up in the Sunday school
Hell, they’ll clean it up tomorrow
But tomorrow there’ll be more baby poo (yeah, poo)
Ooooh that smell
Mormon chapel smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

A farting contest from the deacons
There’s no window you can crack
Just one more breath, Lord, might be your death
One hell of a price for you to save your soul (hell yeah)
Ooooh that smell
Can't forget that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you
Ooooh that smell
Mormon chapel smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

Choose the Beer
When the choice is placed before you,
Choose the Beer,
The spirits are inside,
Choose the Beer,
Let the barley drink refresh you,
When heat in summer makes you hot and dried,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
May wisdom limit you to four or five,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
Or make sure the misses is the one to drive,

Choose the Beer,
There is joy in Hefeweisen,
Choose the Beer,
With lemon on the side,
Choose the Beer,
And the Amber’s so inviten,
Poor me a cold one as the time we’ll bide,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
Now don’t go crazy drinking twenty four,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
You’d better stop before you hit the floor,

Choose the Beer,
For the stout is dark and loathsome,
Choose the Beer,
But the taste is out of sight,
Choose the Beer,
And the Pay Lay Ale is golden,
Like templesquare at Christmas time it’s full of light,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
But not a day before you’re twenty-one,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
But please don’t drink it with a loaded gun,

Choose the Beer,
Try a lager and a pilsner,
Choose the Beer,
Try Beer that’s dark and light,
Choose the Beer,
Now the barmaid you stay near her,
After a pitcher she’s a pretty sight,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
But drink lots of water and you take a cab,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
And wait till you sober up to read the tab.

Church convert retention
Is thoroughly abysmal.
We’re loosing seven members
For every ten we reap.
The spirit of God
Has proved insufficient
In keeping fresh new proselytes
From scattering like sheep!

[Chorus]

We scream and we shout
At the regulars to welcome them,
Include them, befriend them,
Surround them with love!
We’re blinded to the fact
That our doctrine is a twisted mess.
Ergo, a rational human being
Can’t stay here for long!

Our prophet’s decreed
That new converts need just three things;
A friend, a job and nourishment
With gospel milk – not meat.
So give them home teachers
And exile them to primary
Where they’ll repeat the same nonsense
Our missionaries teach!

[Repeat Chorus]

We’ll mainstream our message
And waffle on strange doctrines;
We’ll explore every option to
Expand our tithing base!
For we could care less if
Our creed is consistent
The only thing that matters is
The church perpetuates!

[Repeat Chorus]

Despite our best efforts
We can’t seem to manage
The hemorr’ging of membership
O’re our true history.
We’ve lied, obfuscated,
Suppressed and misstated
Ourselves into apologetic
Irrelevancy!

[Repeat Chorus]

No bishop need ye fear, but with joy, run away.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Peace shall be yours one day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless callings from us to drive
Do this and joy your hearts will swell---
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Give up your fears, fresh courage take
Your online pals will never you forsake
And soon we'll have this tale to tell--
All is well! All is well!

We'll find the place where freedom is displayed
(Likely far from the West)
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid
There the Aints will be blessed
We'll make the air with music ring
Shout praises o'er the casino's ding-ding
Above the rest these words we'll tell--
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil (home teaching, too!)
Green jello no more we'll gel
But if we manage to escape
Before they dress us in black crepe
Oh how we'll make this chorus swell---
All is well! All is well!

Come, come, ye saints, no toilet labour fear,
But with joy, wank away.
Though hard to you this penis may appear,
Happy day, spunk is near!

'Tis better far for us to strive,
to keep our porn in a secret archive,
Do this and your cock will swell,
All is well! All is Well!

Why should we morn when our cock is hard,
'Tis not so, all is right.
Don't listen to Boyd K. Packer, for he is a blowhard.
Should we now shun the light?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take;
Produce enough to fill a lake
And soon we'll have this tale to tell,
All is well! All is well!

You'll find a place, where you will not be scared
In a room, with a light,
Where you can come upon a comely maid
Where the fun will be right.

We'll make the air with music ring,
and learn the joy of mutual masturbating,
Oh, that's swell! Oh, that's swell!
And should we come before our time is through,
Happy day! Oh, that's swell!

We then are free from toilet sorrow, too;
We'll do it again, oh that's swell!
But if we try that stuff again,
Please don't tell your boyfriend, Shane!
Because as you know, he can be a pain!
O how we'll make this penis swell,
All is well! All is well!

Come, listen to a prophet's voice, And hear new words from God.
We have no truth so lets rejoice, With a wink and a nod.
We reject the way the prophets went, Who lived in days of yore.
Another prophet now is sent, Old doctrine to abhor

The gloom of solemn doctrine spread, From Kolob out in space
Is banished by our living Head, Because God won't show His face.
Thru erring schemes in days now past, This church has gone astray:
The Saints of Nod are OK at last, Whether straight, lesbian or gay.

Tis not in dogma we place our trust, Nor on the Brethren rely.
Full well embrace those we must, Whom the brethren deny.
The people to their prophet saith, Don't you dare lead astray,
Else we flee this dying faith, Especially in the latter-day.

Then heed words of reason and light, That flow from nature pure.
Yes, be yourself with all your might, Till in your heart you're sure,
Til you hear your inner voice, Singing loudly your own name,
As joy and cheer be your choice, free at last from shame.

2.
Ignore the gloom of overwhelming facts;
Go to meetings; follow, as you should.
Let us point the way to BigCelestialMacs,
Truth-Lite(tm)* served up for your own good.
Intellectuals ex'd because they talked too much.
You may think, but you must never share.
HappyMeals can be your lifelong crutch;
You're protected in our underwear.

3.
'Tis not in history we put our trust;
Nor on the Internet rely.
Full well assured, you know you must:
Close your eyes, deny, deny, deny.
The Prophet to his people saith:
"All the thinking has been done"
PR-ads shall feed your wavering faith,
To your head we hold a spiritual gun.

4. (Bruce McMuffin Special)
Then heed the words of mormondumb
That flow from Bruce-only-knows.
Yea, keep our laws, suck up every crumb
Or your mouth the Danites just might close.
Till thou shalt hear thy Bishop's voice
Instructing paths to be abstained;
While joy and cheer attend thy "choice"
Until all thy tithes we have obtained.

(Tune: "Love One Another" - by KimberlyAnn - 03/12/2007)

As we have conned you,
Con one another
This Boyd's commandment
Con one another

Some things which are true,
Are not very useful,
So as you've been conned,
Con one another.

(Tune: "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats - Matthew - 07/15/2001)

You can convert whoever you want to
Make them leave their religions behind
Cause your friends aren't converts
And if they aren't converts
Well they're no friends of mine

We can convert
We can convert
Everybody burn your bosoms
We can convert
We can convert
Preaching it more and more
Oh, the convert dance
The convert dancep

Don't ever hang with exmo's
They will fill you with information
Cause your friends won't convert
And if they don't convert
They'll never join the flock.

We can convert
We can convert
Teach Joe Smith saw Jesus
We can convert
We can convert
Teach the Bible is incorrect Oh, the convert dance
The convert dance

You will need to pay your tithing
Or you'll never visit the temple
And if you don't go
You won't learn the handshake
That will get you past Joseph Smith

Convert dance
Convert dance
Temple garments are annoying
Convert dance
Convert dance
Givin' you milk before meat
Oh, the convert dance
The convert dance
The convert dance (fade)

(Tune: Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville; dedicated to that guy who wrote to the Daily Universe claiming that men can’t control themselves when women dress provocatively - created by M. Spaff Sumsion - 3/1999)

It’s eight on a Monday
I’m late for a fun day
I rush to the ELWC and stake out my spot:
A booth by the hallway
I’ll be in it all day
Gawkin’ at coeds they’re so freakin’ hot
 

Wastin’ the day again in Cougareataville
Checkin’ out all these babes from the Y
Some chicks would claim
Their sexy clothes ain’t to blame
But I know
That’s only a lie
 

I ache for the springtime
‘Cause that’s clothing-cling time
I think of them T-shirts; I slobber and wheeze
So I hide in my textbook
And wait for my next look
At some betty’s shorts as they ride off her knees
 

Wastin’ the day again in Cougareataville
Searchin’ for my lost eternal mate
Some say I’ll find
That this is driving me blind
But for now
My vision is great
 

I can’t wait till seven
These two babes from heaven
Walk by every night and they’re drivin’ me nuts
I hope that the blonde’ll
Wear stripes horizontal
Because they accentuate her you-know-whats
 

Wastin’ the day again in Cougareataville
Waitin’ for my poor hormones to halt
Some chicks would moan
And blame my testosterone
But they know
It’s their own dang fault
 

Yeah, some say I’ll find
That this is driving me blind
But for now
My vision is great

................

and in response to Cougareataville by anonymous 10/19999

................

She pulls on her tank top,
short shorts and flip flops.
Through Fall leaves we walk cheek to cheek.
We kiss in the bright sun,
my hand on her left bun.
Campus security can't stand it, they totally freek.

Wastin' away in Cougareataville.
Idaho babe I think you're The One.
It won't be much time,
before you're all mine,
unless they find out what all that we've done.

Her roomates are nosy,
they're love life's all lousy.
They try but can't catch us in bed.
They threaten to tattle,
with Sin they do battle.
To the Bishop we're nearly spiritually dead.

Wastin' away in Cougareataville.
Waiting for the Standards Committe to rule.
Our ball teams are loosing,
the players all boozing,
But to her they are so much more cruel.

She packs up her Corvette,
and scrubs out the toilet.
Leaves knowing why they call Provo "The Zoo".
Where is she going?
Somewhere its snowing.
Utah State, they don't care what you do!

Wastin' away in Cougareataville.
Lusting for my lost eternal mate.
Most pairs soon wed,
in the temple, then bed.
But I can't even get me a date.

I ditch all my wild dreams,
of nightly orgasmic screams.
What makes the exceptional wife.
I lower my standards,
date only dullards.
Just get married and get on with my life.

Gaining the weight in Cougareataville.
Ten pounds each month of celestial lard.
Some girls don't care,
if through daily prayer,
Command them, you to marry no matter how hard.

When upon your pillow you have turned and tossed,
Because you are afraid your testimony's lost.
Count the many reasons it is all a hoax
And takes unfair advantage of believing folks.

Chorus:

Count the reasons you are glad you're free.
Count the reasons and you'll shout with glee.
Count the reasons, one and two and three.....
Think of all the things you now are free to be.

When you look at others who are TBM's
Think of all the sacrifice that never ends.
Ten percent of income and no time to spare.
They don't even get to choose their underwear.

(Chorus)

So amidst confusion and some mental pain
Realize its part of taking back your brain.
Choices for a fuller life now will abound.
And you can rejoice in your new freedom found.

(Chorus)

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed
When you feel discouraged, thinking all is lost
Count your many failings, name them one by one
'Cause you're being punished for the things you've done

Count your failings
That's why you're not blessed
Count your failings
That's why you're depressed
Count your failings
God loves you the best
Count your many failings, well, you know the rest

Do you slave for others but they just don't care?
Is your loving kindness met with hostile glares?
Count your many failings, ev'ry doubt will fly
And you'll know your sinning is the reason why

(chorus)

Do you love your neighbor? Well, that doesn't count
While you work for charities your black marks mount
Count your many failings. It's September One
And you still don't have all your home teaching done

(chorus)

Does the world seem scary, full of hate and pain?
Were your whole life savings sucked right down the drain?
Count your many failings, yes, it's all your fault
You must send more money to the church's vault

(chorus)

Global war and conflict, battles great and small,
Death, disease and sorrow, yes, you caused it all
Count your many failings, hear the prophet wise
Every time you masturbate a kitten dies

(chorus)

One too many piercings, watching MTV
Playing ball on Sundays, shorts above your knee
Count your many failings, oh, you know full well
Just one cup of coffee and you'll burn in hell

(chorus)

Polygamist....
Polygamist....
Well I'm a packin up my wives
And head out west
Where antimormons are too lazy
To follow us there
Find a place in the desert
By a salt lake
Build a mansion at the top
For my wives to serve
And I'm gonna prophecy left and right
Bout blood atonement and adam-god
Preach the seed of cain is evil
And force young couples to marry every day
Given toast to Joe Smith
Hidin' my cigars
So the other GA's won't get jealous
Bangin' my wives
And givin' discourses
Start a Danite service
To fight the armies
And to chase down all those apostates
Brigham Young, I'm the real prophet
And I'm headin' out west sucka,
Cause I wanna be a polygamist baby!

(Wives chorus) With all his wives, and racist doctrine
Polygamist,baby!
(Wives) Spends all his time impregnating us
Polygamist, baby.
(Wives) Prophesying all day and bangin' all night
Polygamist, baby.

I'll bet you hear the sheep calling
When I make my doctrine
They go "baaaa-baaaa"
From dusk till dawn
(Adam was God, don't forget that)
I once had one wife,
Now I got thirty
Desert sand and rattlers
Apostates and Mountain Meadows
Find a map to the CK
Find the spirit Carmen Electra
I'm gonna get sealed to her and let
Utah know why they call me Polygamist, baby.

(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Brigham and I'm the prophet
Don't make me get the danites
Don't make me damn you
When the time is right
I'll bring down judgement
Gonna paint Kolob red
And paint the moon white
Find quakers livin' on the moon
Make them tithe whatever they have
Find interstellar wives
For a polygamist player
Government told me to stop
But they can't make me
Why they wanna pick on me?
Take my wives and lynch me high
I ain't no seed of cain
Just a regualar prophet
Like straight outta Kolob,
I'm straight out the Methodists
Curse like a catholic
My only words are wisdown are:
(spoken) 2 Nephi 8-9
I'm makin my move to damn the Lamanites
And keep on warning about my danites
Polygamist.

(repeat chorus)
(end)

1.
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Self-designated and greedy profiteer.
From marriage vows he took several vacations;
Duped was that Emma, damnation bid her fear.

chorus:
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Power and glory was not the only prize.

2.
Blessed was Briggy to inherit the kingdom;
He led the faithful in ways that give us pause.
He far surpassed Brother Joseph in urging
Women to give all they could for the cause.

a new chorus:
Another crazed man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Recycled power, and he thought himself a prize.

3.
Living deception as they rewrite their history;
Revising "her'tage" to fit a better mold.
Time marches on, and attracts other joiners.
Funding the profits, old doctrines are spun-told.

yet another chorus:
Crazed were those men; they commune through the ages;
Their brand of "worthy" puts believers in a jam-they-am.
Today, as the Internet is accessed by seekers;
Millions shall know HornyToads were just a sham.

All dressed in white to the temple I go
Walkin’ with a dead man over my shoulder

Waiting for some inspiration to arrive
Baptizing people who aren’t still alive

CHORUS:

He was struck by lightning
Walkin’ down the street
Now I’m watchin’ a video tryin’ not to sleep
It’s a dead man’s party
Who could ask for more
All ye worthy come in, show your recommend at the door
Show your temple recommend at the door.

(Spirit prisoners, we’ll set you free)

(In Paradise, you’ll Mormons be)

All dressed in white to the temple I go
Walkin’ with a dead man over my shoulder

Waitin’ for some inspiration to arrive
Baptizing people who aren’t still alive

Got my white suit and my tie
A goofy baker’s hat floppin’ o’r my eye
Knocking three times on heaven’s door
Givin’ handshakes I learned before

(Spirit prisoners, we’ll set you free)

(In paradise, you’ll Mormons be)

(Dead people, we’ll set you free…)

He's praying here, he's paying there
He struts his stuff in Temple Square
He's a priesthood holder so he's better than the rest
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

And when he dons his temple gowns
He never gripes, he never frowns
Eagerly pursuing exaltation every day
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon.

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
Following the prophet to the very end
One week he's at gen'ral conference, next week he's in church
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

In navy suit and power tie
His calling's sure if he should die
Everywhere the garment-wearing army marches on
Each one an dedicated follower of Gordon

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
His world is built 'round fam'ly and home teaching
This scripture-quoting individual always does his best
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
Acts like an Apostle or a Seventy
In matters of the gospel he's as certain as can be
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon
He's a dedicated follower of Gordon
Yes, he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

'E're you left your room this morning
Did you pray to think?
Did you ask your favorite god-man
"Make my logic work, if you can
'Cause it seems to stink"

(chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes you weary
Reason takes you to the brink
But you'll always see more clearly
When you pray to think

(verse)
When you read your gospel lessons
Do you stop and think?
"Hey, there's someting wrong with this book
Maybe I should take a close look
There must be a link"

(chorus)
Things are not quite like they promised
God's full armour has a chink
If you want to know what you missed
Don't forget to think

(verse)
When you're following the prophet
Do you pray to think?
Is he speaking for the Lord, or
Is he speaking just for Gordo
Or for Mormon, Inc.?

(chorus)
You might lose your testimony
It could happen in a blink
You might see the church is phony
When you pray to think

There is a code in each of us
A micro-protein chain.
It helps us trace our origins
We call it DNA!

[Chorus}

Genome tests,
Genome tests!

Genetic drift,
Genetic drift!

And chromosomes
Mere chromosomes

Help scientists
Help scientists.

To finally prove
We now have proof

We truly can
We finally can

Track migratory clans!
Track migratory clans!

The Book of Mormon claims to be
A record of some Jews.
Who sailed to the Americas,
B.C. five-ninety-two.

[Repeat Chorus]

This book claims they spread north and south
And covered all the land!
Too bad geneticists can’t find
A single Jewish strand!

[Repeat Chorus]

Since Lamanites cannot be found
The faithful Mormons try
To salvage their ridic’lous claims
And claim that science lies!

[Chorus –4th verse]

Natives came
Those natives came

From Asian lands!
From Asian lands

DNA
That tiny stuff

Proves that’s a fact!
Proves this a fact.

Now it’s true
Guess what it’s true

That science can
That science can

Prove the Mormon book’s a sham!
Prove the Mormon book’s a sham!

Elders, bow to the purty little darlin' on your left....
You Sisters, give a curtsy to that baker-hatted gent!

Everyone face the front where the matron scowls real stern....
Pay 'ttention to the Man Adam or in hell ya gonna burn!

Now put on that green apron an' jes cinch it up tight....
Make sure yer hat-string's tied to yer white overalls on the right!

Women, show a little token to the gentleman on yer left....
There's a death penalty with it, so keep them handshakes deft!

Men, recite a cultic oath with a silly new name....
You women, be patient, it's yer turn to do the same!

Now allemande left with a left allemande....
Pay Lay Ale up & down like a palm leaf frond!

Everybody do-si-do 'round the altar up front....
Hold hands in a circle and pray fer Gordon, the gnarly runt!

Everybody up in in front go return back home....
Now line up single file behind the 80 year old gnome!

Step smart with yer pardner to the veil on the side....
Stick yer hands through them holes so you ken git cee-les-tia-fied!

Gimme five points of fellowship - but keep those boners down you men....
Whisper secret combinations and The Massa let you in!

Brothers, grab yer pardner with a Patriarchal Grip....
Promenade her into heaven now, don'tcha let her slip!

Pass on through, nod to that white suited man....
Be QUIET now y'all, hear a revvee-layshun if ya can!

Kinky sisters, ask yer pardners if they wanna uh-nish-ee-ate....
Nekkid washin' and annointin', don't nobody hesitate!

Now bow to yer pardner while I finish up my rhyme....
Lookin' smug to each other like ya been Masons all the time!

Back to the locker room, take off that costume slow....
Drive back home like nuthin' happened - normal folk will never know!

Yee-haw!

(With special credit to Quevedo, for coining the phrase 'doing the Masonic Shuffle')

We kept our first estate
Righteous, strong, and brave
Thank God we chose the right
Now we’re delightsome and white

Not like all the darker ones
Too chicken***t to fight

But don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)
Don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)

Satchmo and Spike Lee
Oprah, Booker T.
Chris Rock and Dr. J
God fried them up that way

They like to whine for “civil rights”
But that’s the commie way

So don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)
Don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)

Beware the seed of Cain
And marriage with that race
We’ll claim it’s “all behind us”
But we won’t disobey

Sasquatch, Satan, Lamanites
And negroes: all the same
They’re dirty, filthy, loathsome, too
They’ll infect you with their sinful stain

But don’t blame the negro…

We'll take that Gladys Knight
Parade her day and night
Pretend it's all okay
"We'll love her anyway

Cos she's a wonderful negro
A credit to her race"

So don't blame the negro
("Who can blame the negro?")
Don't blame the negro
("My best friend's a negro")
Don't blame the negro
("They have a wonderful sense of style")
Don't blame the negro
("My son served in Alabama, and met lots of marvelous negroes")
Don't blame the negro
("My son says not all of them are criminals")
Don't blame the negro
("It's not his fault he can't control himself")
Don't blame the negro...

* One thing I noticed after reading a lot of those political talks in the sixties by Benson and Petersen: they repeatedly in effect said that blacks only THOUGHT they wanted civil rights, because they were so dumb, they couldn't help but fall for the sly arguments of the communists who told them that's what they should want. I think it is fair to say that this position relies on a certain amount of projection, as well as presumptuousness.

Because of this belief, they repeatedly told Saints to not blame "the negro". It wasn't his fault he was so retarded, he didn't realize that he didn't actually want civil rights.

Don't Cry For Me Elder Tanner

You do it easily, I think it’s strange
When you fake how you feel
That you cry over what Joseph’s done

I don’t believe you
All your tears don’t convince me it’s true.
Although you bawl to the nines
Tears still doesn’t make it true.

You’re getting sappy, You need to change
Go with the facts, not how you feel
It might work for a widow, I think we’re done

So I choose freedom
I’ve got running around, now you must shoo
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to

[Chorus:]

Don't cry for me Elder Tanner
The tears don’t make it true
No matter how much you pray
It’s a mad existence
It’s all lies, I promise
Now keep your distance

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I don't need the Morg after all that you've done

You won't believe me
All you will see is a girl you once named
Although she's tossed out the apron and the undies
She will not be ashamed

God made it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life under your heel
Looking out of the prison, missing out on the Son

So God Released Me!
Grace does abound, loving everything new
But nothing impressed me from you
Like the prophets expected it to

Chorus:

Don't cry for me Mormonistas
The truth is I'll never miss you
All through my Morg days
My sad existence
God kept His promise
I am NOT NAOMI!

And as for Standards, they have not changed: I never let VT’s in tho’ it seemed to the ward, it was all I desired.
It was based on ILLUSIONS!
This was Not the Jesus you promised to me!
The real Lord was here all the time!
I serve Him and KNOW He loves Me!

Chorus:

Don’t Cry for Me Mormonistas! (repeat)
The truth is I'll never miss you
All through my Morg days
My sad existence
God kept His promise
I am NOT NAOMI!

Don't know any church history.
Don't know arch-ea-ol-o-gy.
Don't know much about the Mormon book.
Don't know much about the French I took.

But I do know, the church is true
And I know that if you'd join it too
What a wonderful Morg this would be.

Don't know much about geography.
Don't know where Shilom should be.
Don't know much about genetic laws.
That's what FARMS and FAIR are for.

But I know that one and one's not two.
And if you'd get your spouse to sign up too
What a wonderful Morg this would be.

Now I don't claim to be an "A" mishie
But I'm trying to be
Because by returning an "A" mishie baby
I can go and get mar-ried.

Don't know much about the D-and-C.
Don't know much about pol-yg-a-my.
Don't know much about a science book.
Boyd K Packer told us not to look.

But I do know, the church is true.
And I know that if you'd tithe us too
What a wonderful Morg this would be.

(Tra la la, repeat chorus.)

Do what we say
Regardless of conscience!
Mindless obedience
That is our creed!
We do not care
If you think we’re old codgers
We must be sure
Of your full loyalty.

[Chorus]

Follow the brethren
Let reason lie fallow.
Do not your learning
Or intellect try.
And if you ever
Should dare to oppose us,
Your heresy
We will always decry!

Do what we say
Tis easier than thinking.
Leave moral judgment
To prophets and seers.
And if you doubt
Our lofty intentions,
You must be sinning;
Repent and be clean!

[Repeat Chorus]

Do what we say
No questions need asking.
God is our captain
For his truth we fight!
And for this cause
We will castigate thousands,
Trample your freedoms
And shackle your mind!

[Repeat Chorus]

Down in the Brethren's vault the smoking guns are stored
And scary facts are hidden safe from all the world
The evidence that shows things are not what they claim
Are locked away to guard the Prophet's name

Historians of old had access to the files
'Til secrets they unearthed there wiped away the smiles
The vault was ordered shut, they threw away the key
To keep the ugly truth from you and me

"The facts don't always serve to build the faith," they said.
"And what's the point of raising issues that are dead?
The correltaed texts and scriptures that you read
Are all the infromation you will need."

Researchers from the Y, quite righteous in intent
Sought access to the vault but couldn't make a dent
"There's nothing you can learn from digging in the past
And if you push you'll lose your tenure fast."

A forger named Mark Hoffman knew the Brethren's mind
He understood they'd pay to keep their followers blind
He scribbled out a dream in Joseph Smith's own hand
That salamander made him fifteen grand

They say a shiny stone that Smith kept in his hat
is there with Laban's sword. Can you imagine that?
But how are we to know? They will not let us in.
And just to ask about it is a sin.

The truth shall make you free, at least that's what they say
But truths get buried deeper in the vault each day.
"The fact are what we say, now heed the prophet"s call
And please forget the vault is there at all."

They bought my block
And then they checked their stock
I have to run like a fugitive
I got no place to live
They’re gonna be lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
The church will be lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ buyin’ Zion

I have to roam
‘Cause I ain’t got no home
See they tearing down my place
To build commercial space
And the brethren be lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ buyin’ Zion

Buy them a mall (buyin’ them a building)
No that ain’t all (blockin’ off the streets again)
It’s how they spend all the tithes you give
Like water through a sieve
Yeah, Gordon be lyin’ and buyin’ up Zion
The Saints they be cryin’ and dyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ buyin’ Zion…

Joseph was ambitious
Back in old Nauvoo
There were lots of sisters
That he had to do-oo
Fanny was the favorite
Of his wifely lot
Unlike sister Emma
She was really hot
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Emma will stay

Brigham loved his Danites
They would just appear
When his little problems
Needed lots of fea-ear
Blood atonement was the
Mark of Danite love
Cut from ear to ear they'd
Send you back above
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Sinner's away!

Spencer had a problem
With the Seed of Cain
For all the new temples
They were such a pai-ain
Like the Book of Mormon
We can all change some
After minor changes
We're all delight-some
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
The racial way

Ezra was a Bircher
Friend of Red Scare Joe
He saw fags and commies
Behind every doo-oor
By the time he made it
To the very top
He was so dang old
That Gordon ran the shop
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
The couns'lor way

Gordon worked for PR
All his Mormon life
So with news reporters
He never has stri-ife
Now he's on the TV
Spinning like a top
Those who loved King Follett
Now will have to stop
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
The TV way

Tommy was a newsman
For so many years
If he has to change type
He will not shed tea-ears
Focus groups and polling
Yet will rule the day
Headlines will be printed
In the PC way
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
PC's the way

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
He was a Mo
She did Sk8board
What more can i say
He wanted her
She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
They had a problem with his temple clothes

He was a Elder Boi
She said see you later boy
She wasn't good enough for him
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth

5 years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She opens the door
Guess who she sees
Elder Boi convertin' Salt Lake City
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they've all be
Baptized to choose the right
She tags along
Stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down

He was a Elder Boi
She said see you later boy
She wasn't good enough for him
Now he's on his mission
Slamming with his companion
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

He was a Elder Boi
She said see you later boy
She wasn't good enough for him
Now he's on his mission
Slamming with his companion
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside

He's just a boy
And im just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we found the gospel in our lives.

I'm with the Elder Boi
I said see you later boy
I'll be a crazy MollyMormon
I'll be at the ward chapel
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know

I'm with the Elder Boi
I said see you later boy
I'll be a crazy MollyMormon
I'll be at the ward chapel
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know

(talking)
Hey Steve,
Hey Elder,
Do you wanna go on a split?
Sure thing!

(singing)

I'm an Elder Man,
doing all I can,
Help people realize,
they should be baptized,
The Book of Mormons true,
The spirit will tell you,
Its our foundation,
So's Joseph Smiths translation,

Stop your squawking,
Let's go walking!

I'm an Elder Man,
I'm talking bout the Plan,
Of Salvation,
And the restoration,
If you read and pray,
and then try to obey,
the Word of Wisdom,
You'll make it to the Kingdom.

I'm a man,
dressed in white,
with a little black tag,
out the door,
Down the road,
with my book bag.
My comps cool, He's the best,
When at Work,
or at rest,
He'll ride bikes,
walk down halls,
and make media calls.

If you Fast,
and you pray,
You can strive for Baptism one day!
Oh yeah!

I'm an Elder Man,
I'm taking up a Stand,
against Satan,
There's no Debatin',
We won't give up the fight,
we want to choose the right,
Teach with the spirit,
We'll let the people hear it.

Quit your yappin',
Let's go tracting,
Your right compy!
White shirts glowin,
Name tags showin,
They're white, That's Right.
no more sighin'
We'll keep tryin'
No more feeling down.
With faith growing,
Let's get going!
Don't Fear! He's Near!

We will teach,
We will preach,
as the spirit directs,
we'll baptize and confirm,
the teachings that they learn.
We're your friends,
Not your foes,
I'm sure now that you know,
We will fight,
with our might,
For the things that are right!

If you Fast,
and you pray,
You can strive for Baptism one day!
Oh yeah!

Quit your yappin',
Let's go tracting,
Your right compy!
White shirts glowin,
Name tags showin,
They're white, That's Right.
no more sighin'
We'll keep tryin'
No more feeling down.
With faith growing,
Let's get going!
Don't Fear! He's Near!

I'm an Elder Man,
I'm talking bout the Plan,
Of Salvation,
And the restoration,
The Book of Mormons true,
The spirit will tell you,
Its our foundation,
So's Joseph Smiths translation,
oh I'm an Elder Man,
I'm doing all I can,
Help people realize,
they should be baptized,
We won't give up the fight,
we want to choose the right,
Teach with the spirit,
We'll let the people hear it.

Quit your yappin',
Let's go tracting,
Your right compy!
White shirts glowin,
Name tags showin,
They're white, That's Right.
no more sighin'
We'll keep tryin'
No more feeling down.
With faith growing,
Let's get going!
Don't Fear! He's Near!

(talking)
Thanks for the Split Elder,
Anytime!

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Elder Packer, bring me a dream (dum-dum-dum-dum)
Make it the wettest, that I've ever seen (dum-dum-dum-dum)
Please take from me this great temptation (dum-dum-dum-dum)
so I won't give in to mas-tur-bation.
Packer, I'm so horny (dum-dum-dum-dum)
Can't seem to stop my little fact'ry (dum-dum-dum-dum)
I made sure to pay tithing,
Elder Packer, bring me a dream.

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Elder Packer, bring me a dream
I ate a whole pie of banana cream.
I beg of you in the name of Hinkley,
so that I will not have to squeeze my twinkie.
Packer, I tied my hands to the bed,
If there's a fire, I'll sure be dead.
I need to sleep, Book of Mormon I'll read,
Elder Packer, bring me a dream.

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Elder Packer, please make me straight
This self abuse has turned me gay.
After a bath I won't look in the mirror
Only girl I think of is Bette Midler.
My balls, don't make me remove 'em
Give me a burning but not in my bosom
I'm so desp'rate, I've tried everything
Elder Packer, bring me, please, please bring me
Elder Packer, bring me a dream.

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum

To all those people hearing lies
Don't buy it
Don't buy it
Inject your heart with reasoning
And run away
To all the kids with gullible minds
Don't buy it
Don't buy it
Because it's not, not really true
No, no, it's not, not really true

Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise
Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise

To all the ones with doubtful minds
Doubtful minds
Send all notes to Bishop Brown
Then leave town
To all the kids with gullible minds
Don't buy it
Don't but it
Because it's not, not really true
No, no, it's not, not really true

Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise
Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise

Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise
Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise

If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take your tithes away
Promise me just one more try
Then we'll both kneel down and pray

We've always had testimonies
Now yours is fading fast
For the sake of every Mormon
We've got to--we've gotta make it last

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said you'd wear your g's, each day.

If you leave I will cry
I'll call every single day
But if you leave don't look back
I'll be stalking you every way

Temple vows went under the bridge
The thought gives me a chill
Heaven's our forever goal
You've got to--you've gotta say you will

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said you'd wear your g's, each day.

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said we'd still be friends

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said you'd wear your g's, each day.

If you leave
Oh if you leave
Oh if you leave
You'll never leave
the Church alone!

I was raised up in old Salt Lake City
Raised up and put down and told what to do
Now, looking back, it just seems like a pity
I think that I must have been some kind of fool

Ah, all the things I could tell you
Ah, things you wouldn’t believe
Ah, things obscene and illegal
Ah, it’s all right there to see

Now you will find me out here Sunday mornings
Not in their churches or on Temple Square
Drinking a latte and wearing a tank top
Rings in my nipples, green dye in my hair

Ah, all the things I could tell you
Ah, things you wouldn’t believe
Ah, things obscene and illegal
Ah, it’s all right there to see

Follow the prophet, don’t cause a commotion
Pray in the morning and noon and at night
Turn off your brain and don’t show your emotions
Just pay a full tithing and vote on the right

Ah, all the things I could tell you
Ah, things you wouldn’t believe
Ah, things obscene and illegal
Ah, it’s all right there to see

Exmo from Utah now lives like he wants to
Happy and thriving, come join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Why don’t ya?
Why don’t ya?

1st Verse

Joseph Smith, apostasy, Mormon theocracy,
golden plates, April 6th, Martin Harris.
treasure dig'n, Word O' Wisdom, Kirtland Bank, Celestial Kingdom,
Hill Cumorah, Gadianton Robbers scare us.
Apostates, urim thummum, rameumptom,
Brigham, "The wives and I", hie to Kolob in the sky.
Heber Kimball, polygamy, "tar and feather me!"
Fanny Alger, Emma Smith, wrong woman Joe was with.

chorus

We caught a hold the fire
Our bosoms barely burning
The truth we're now a learn'n
Joe Smith was a liar.
No we do not like it,
That's why we try to fight it.

2nd Verse

Larry King, doctinal whim, Gordy and Elohim
Cleon Skousen, John Bircher, Ezra Taft.
Spencer Kimball, homophobe, Mark Petersen,
Endure to the end, 12 apostle priestcraft.
Johnny Miller, Paul H Dunn, Steven Young's number one,
Gordon Hinckley, temple plan, Gladys Knight, Disneyland.
Seagulls, cricket pest, Nauvoo, Far West,
Mummies, kinderhookie, Joseph get's all the nookie.

chorus

Mainstreet, ACLU, Provo, YBU,
Handcarts, this is the place, Jake Garn lost in space.
Lorenzo, manifesto, polygamists off to Mexico,
Fawn Brodie, Mountain Meadow, shut up says David O'.
Baptize dead, tithing pay, Internet leads exmo's away,
Legacy, temple square, tour guide Zombie stare.
Blacks okay, next G.A., ain't no way,
Bruce McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Exmos mock him.

chorus

George P Lee, veneration, Lamanite Generation,
Pioneers, gold rush, real inspiration.
So called intellectuals, feminist or gay,
Sunstone, Packer, he always gets his way.
Republicans, Primary pennies, Days O' 47,
Utah Mo's, Vote their way, or don't get into heaven.

chorus

Lion House, Eagle Gate, Danites decide your fate,
Visit Teach, Jell-O, converts never show.
Donny Osmond sells out Adam-ondi-Ahman,
Mormons in Palestine, party time, where's the wine,
Ten percent, get a recommend, temple endowment.
Don't swear, day and night wear that funny underwear,
Never self stimulate, sixteen before you date,
This church is a chore, I can't take it anymore

chorus

We lighted the exmo fire
The Mo's got it wrong
Bosoms won't burn on, and on, and on, and on...

Ex-Mo Smith (spoken)
(imitating Bishop Dumke)
Hey, you!

Ex-Mo Young(spoken) Me, Bishop Dumke??

Ex-Mo Smith (spoken)
(as Dum ke) Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason
For not draggin’ you down to the
Stakehouse, ya punk.

Ex-Mo Young(sings)
Dear kindly Bishop Dumke,
Ya gotta understand--
It’s just our bringin’ upke
That gets us outta hand.
Our mothers all church junkies,
Our fathers hooked on dunks.
Golly Moses -- natcherly we’re punks.

ALL
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke, we’re very upset;
We never had the truth that every
Child oughta get.
We ain’t no delinquents,
We’re misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

Ex-Mo Young
There is good!

ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is ex-mo good.
Like inside, the worst of us is good.

Ex-Mo Smith (imitating Dumke)
That’s a touchin’ good story.

Ex-Mo Young
Lemme tell it to the world!

Ex-Mo Smith (imitating Dumke)
Just tell it to the SP.

Ex-Mo Young (**to ex-mo Jensen)
Dear kindly Mr. SP,
My parents treat me bad.
With all their stupid callings,
It’s like I have no dad.
They had me way too early,
And then they had 8 more!
Leapin’ lizards --that’s what I’m so sore!

Ex-Mo Jensen (imitating a Judge in Zion)
Right!
Dear Bishop Dumke, you’re really a square;
This boy don’t need the Pres, he
Needs an analyst’s care!
It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed--
**He’s psychologically disturbed!

Ex-Mo Young
I’m disturbed!

ALL
We’re disturbed, we’re disturbed,
We’re the most disturbed,
Like we’re psychologically disturbed.

Ex-Mo Jensen (still acting part of Judge in Zion)(spoken)
Hear ye, Hear ye! In the opinion
Of this court, this ex-mo is
Depraved on account he ain’t had a normal home.

Ex-Mo Young (spoken)
Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived!

Ex-Mo Jensen (as judge - spoken)
So take him to a headshrinker.

Ex-Mo Young (to ex-mo Christensen)(sings)
My Daddy is the bishop,
My Mommy RS Pres,
My Grandpa was a po-lyg,
My Grandma one of ten.
My sister loves her garmies,
My brother hates my guts!
Goodness Gracious, that’s why I’m so nuts!

Ex-Mo Christensen (as psychiatrist)
Yes!
Dear Bishop Dumke, this ex-mo’s deep in the lurch.
This boy don’t need a couch,
He needs to come back to church!
The world has seduced him, a terrible trick,
And sociologically he’s sick!

Ex-Mo Young
I am sick!

ALL
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick
Like we’re sociologically sick!

Ex-Mo Christensen (speaks as psychiatrist)
In my opinion, this ex-mo does not need
To have his head shrunk at all.
Ex-mormonism is purely a
Social disease.

Ex-Mo Young (spoken)
Hey, I got a social disease!

Ex-Mo Christensen (spoken as psychiatrist)
So take him to LDS Social Services!

Ex-Mo Young (to ex-mo Kimball)(sings)
Dear kindly social worker,
They tell me stay in church,
And be a good team player,
Just pay and collect perks.
It’s not I’m anti-Mormon,
I’m only anti-church.
Gloryotsky, that’s why I’m a jerk!

Ex-Mo Kimball (as social worker)
Eek!
Dear Bishop Dumke, you’ve done it again.
This boy don’t need to stay, he needs
Excommunication!
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he’s no good!

Ex-Mo Young
I’m no good!

ALL
We’re no good, we’re no good,
We’re no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

Ex-Mo Jensen
The trouble is he’s lazy!

Ex-Mo Snow
The trouble is he drinks!

Ex-Mo Nibley
The trouble is he’s crazy!

Ex-Mo Kimball
The trouble is he thinks!

Ex-Mo Eccles
The trouble is he’s growing!

Ex-Mo Christensen
The trouble is he’s grown!

ALL
Dumke, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke,
We’re down on our knees.
‘Cause no one likes a fella with
the ex-mo “disease”.
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke,
What are we to do?
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke --
Dum you!

Well you can tell by the way I wear my suit
I’m a Mormon man with Utah roots
You have seen us 'round before
Out on the street or at your door
But please don't laugh or run away
Or question anything we say
You don't need to understand
To follow our eternal plan

Whether you're a mother or whether you're a brother
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Yeah we're always rushin' to teach you a discussion
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve

Oh yes I'm lookin' sharp, I'm lookin' neat
I was fed on milk instead of meat
Fresh out of the MTC
There's nothing you can say to me
I've got Mormon's book, the Bible too
And Indians who once were Jews
A finger full of priesthood power
I'll convert you in an hour

Bring your son and daughter, we'll dip 'em in the water
We're filling the hive, fillin' the hive
Everybody's praying and everybody's paying
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve

The first Joe-ël, Moroni did say,
Was to that loser Joe Smith family as they lay;
In fields and barnyards where they did sleep
Off a hard winter drunk that was so deep.
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

They looked up and saw a star
Shining over Cumorah beyond them far;
And to the drunks it gave forth light:
Salamander, angels, Jesus, God — right!
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

And by the light of gold plates thar
Three witlesses signed up to praise that star;
To seek for free dough was their intent,
And follow this shyster wherever he went!
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

Chorus

Follow the pervert, follow the pervert
Joey liked bedding teen girls
Just like Warren Jeffs...
Follow the Pervert, Follow the Pervert
For mormons there is safety:
Wards do no background checks!

Brigham was a prophet,
He did follow Joseph
54 wives (officially) he did posess
Brigham killed those who did not obey him
At Mountain Meadows he was a terrorist

(repeat Chorus)

John Taylor was a prophet,
He followed Brother Brigham
Faithful to polygamy he was through his life
He went into hiding to stay plural married
After the feds pursued him Mr Taylor died?

(Chorus)

Wilford Woodruff was a prophet
Had a well timed "revelation"
Plural marriage was now to be decried
He quietly allowed plural marriage to continue
And kept his own set of wives
To keep Morg land and money, Wilford he did lie

(Chorus)


Today there is a prophet
A man who is full of lies
Despite Official Declarations
Polygamy still survives

1.
Joseph was a prophet--everyone knows that!
Joseph wrote a book by staring in his hat
People say that Joe was quite the horny dude
No one knows for sure how many chicks he screwed

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't be afraid
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he gets laid!

2.
Brigham was a prophet with a funky beard
He said God was Adam--that was pretty weird
When some nasty gentiles entered his domain
Brigham sent his men to see that they were slain

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't ask me why
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, follow or die!

3.
John was a prophet, wounded in Carthage jail
Growing sugar beets for sugar, he did fail
Cannonizing the Pearl of Great Price papyri
Was his "strike out" number three.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's such a wise guy
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
What's he up to now, on Kolob in the sky?

4.
Wilford was a prophet, ran off to Mexico
Got real homesick, so wrote "The Manifesto"
To get those Federal troops off his ass
For hitting on each and every lovely lass.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's so sly
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Cuzz he's such a self-serving guy.

5.
Lorenzo was a prophet, to the church deep in debt
So he prayed, but the Lord made him sweat
'Til that revelation to him finally came
"You fool, it's obvious, tithing's the game."

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's just another "fundy"
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Down to Zion's Bank with all of the money.

6.
Joseph F. was a prophet, in congress he tesified
'bout the practice of polygamy through his teeth he lied
"The Redemption of the Dead" was his vision
Now section 138 by nepotism's decision.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's a real dreamer,
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Making each of his seven wives a screamer

7.
Heber was a prophet, suffering from severe depression
His nervous breakdown, caused by the great recession
In spite of it all he was able to take care
of thousands by starting Church Welfare.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's as nervous as hell,
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Sanatorium's what makes a prophet well.

8.
George Albert was a prophet, a life long Boy Scout
Whose lobbying efforts showed some clout
His lupus left him rather sickly and frail,
So doc prescribed a daily shot of the ale.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's not tender foot,
Follow the prophet, he camps in a teepee,
The last of the prophets sporting a goatee

9.
David O was a prophet, a super missionary,
Charging every member to be a mishie wannabee
Who e're thou art, the part well act,
And drive a big bad cadillac

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, white suit a style'n
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Doesn't matter, all that smooze'n still ly'n

10.
Joseph Fielding was a prophet, doctrine's a specialty
Lost his mind living in the church libary
Nixing evolution he re-wrote human history
Blessed by son-in-law, Bruce R. McConkie

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, turn into a nerd
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
"Doctrines of Salvation" was the final word.

11.
Harold B. was a prophet, youngest one in years
Lots of time to turn those "Correlation" gears
But the Lord had other plans for Harold instead
18 months later, poor fellow was struck dead.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, type "A" personality
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Driven to an early grave, his finality.

12.
Spencer was a prophet, Spencer was a seer,
Spencer said that masturbation makes you queer.
Some would call that wisdom, some would call it hate
All that I can say is--I must not be straight!

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't go astray
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he isn't gay!

13.
Ezra was a prophet. He liked Johnny Birch
He was old and sick and couldn't run the church
How the Brethren used him makes we want to heave
If you don't believe me, ask his grandson Steve

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't use your head
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's not quite dead!

14.
Howard W was a prophet, didn't last too long
Cuzz Cody Judy scared him nie unto death with a bomb
Howard reigned as prophet all of nine short months
Too bad an old guy only gets to be the prophet once.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, even if he wobbles
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Lugging your spiritual shackles and hobbles.

15.
Gordy is a prophet, live on Larry King
When he's on the air he doesn't know a thing
"I'm not sure we teach that, I'm not sure we can,
I'm not sure I'd say that God was once a man."

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, follow with glee
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's on TV!

Draconian, six gothic spires
The temple looms o’re all!
Its bleak imposing granite stone
Forms a forbidding wall!
Foreboding shrine
With cultist signs
Your image frightens me!
Feigned holiness
In such excess
It makes me want to scream!

Your patrons though all dressed in white
Hold secrets dark as night.
They’ve pledged that their blood shall be spilt
Should they disclose your rites.
Foreboding shrine
With cultist signs
Strict secrecy’s your creed!
With mortal fear
Your patrons fill
For all eternity!

We now know of your secret rites
Your ways we think them queer.
The miracle of Internet
Has saved us all from fear!
Foreboding shrine
With cultist signs
Your secret’s known to all!
Your ceremonies
Are grotesque
Your veil of myst’ry’s gone!

For the strength of the pills we thank thee
Our drug, our doctor's drug
Thou hast made our children many
And they creep across the rug
Thou hast suffered that our toddler
in to his mouth put a bug
For the strength of the pills we bless thee
our drug, our doctor's drug

At the hands of our foul home teacher's
we've borne and suffered long
They have made our guilt enormous
and their word has made us wrong
Amid witless foes outnumbered
in weariness we trudge
For the strength of the pills we bless thee
our drug, our doctor's drug

Thou hast blessed us here with Prozac
upon the chapel stand
And although it may make us happy
we are sure in bed to land
For it revs up our libido,
what's one more little thug?
For the strength of the pills we bless thee
our drug, our doctor's drug

We are bringers of the bacon,
for the hordes that we must fry
We are guardians of the minnions
who kick and scream and cry
As we rock to soothe the outrage,
stick in their mouths a plug
For the strength of the pills we bless thee,
our drug, our doctor's drug

A gun or a knife can be quite instrumental,
But Garments are a guy's best friend.
It's true that I know Green Beret fundamentals,
Still Garments are a guy's best friend.

Detroit makes new cars with both front and side air bags,
Lo! Garments are a guy's best friend.
The gym rats laugh 'n scoff at the way my crotch sags
But I'll win the game,
Cuz I'm immune to flame -- and other hazards.
So let the bombs drop,
They'll even make shrapnel stop.
Garments are a guy's best friend.

[manly dance sequence here]

Garmies!
Beehive Industries!
Protective!

Though Kevlar is bold, and steel is cold
They'll never save your soul in the end.
Whether poly-blend or tall-cut
These skivvies will save your butt
Garments are a guy's best friend!

I went to a garment party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to bare our bosoms and wear our thongs again
When I got to the garment party, I shared my temple new name
No one affirmed me, I didn't play their game.

CHORUS
But it's all right now, I burned my bosom well.
You see, ya can't please a holy one, so ya got to tease youself.

People came from wards around, everyone was square
Yoko brought her scriptures, there was boredom in the air.
'n' over in the corner, much to my surprise
Sister Hughes danced in temple shoes daring "all arise."

CHORUS
pay lay ale, that's the last straw

Sang them all the old hymns, parodies without the shame.
Bishop heard the music, he scolded us the same
Said hell no to "Sheri Dew", she's to far gone for me
When I sang a song about a Lamanite, it was time to leave

CHORUS
lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped Gordon Hinckley
Playing prophet "you will go to hell" and lookin' like he would
If you gotta play at garment parties, I wish you a lotta luck
Tie died garments rule, the one piecers really suck.

CHORUS
lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah

'n' it's all right now, burned my bosom well
You see, ya can't please a holy one, so you got to please yourself

Hey, the Bish is being nice to me,
Hey, he's been awatchin' me
He's beside me,
Mercy! Let my conscience guide me.

Hey, he wants to fondle me,
Seein' if I'm garment free,
Every moment he gets bolder,
Now his hand's upon my shoulder,
Yikes! He's rubbin' me.

Hey, he's being nice to me,
Searchin' garmies, furtively
Keep that up, he'll meet resistance,
Hope he doesn't call assistance,
Yikes! He's checkin' me!

Jo Jo was a prophet who got a huge boner
But he knew it wouldn't last.
Jo Jo married Emma, didn't want to own her
Starting chasin' Fanny's ass.

Get flack, get flack
Get flack from those you've wronged.
Get sacked, get sacked
Get sacked by those you've donged.
Get lax Jo Jo, Go home
Get tact, get tact.
Tact, you missed it all along.
Get back, get back.
Back to where you once were belonged.
Get back Jo.

Sweet Joe Smith got one too many women
More than ordinary men.
All the girls 'round were tired of him cummin'
But Mason's got him in the end.

Get smacked, get smacked
Get smacked for sniff'n thong.
Get racked, get racked
Get racked by those you've wronged.
Make tracks Jo Jo, Go home.
Get back, get back.
Back to where you once were bonged.
Get back, get back.
Back to where you once were belonged.
Get back Jo.

Your mother's wait'n for you
Swear'n at you for screw'n.
And caus'n such a show
Get on home Jo Jo

Get smacked, get smacked,
Get smacked for all that sniff'n thong.

Here she comes now sayin' Garmy, Garmy
Feels me up, feels me down come on garmies
Says she'll give me love, gotta be an RM
Come on now and let me see those garm lines
Then I'll feel all right, yeah I'll feel all right
I said yeah,(yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

'Cause garms make her feel
So good, so good, so good
so right, so right
Loves those lines, so she feels all night
I said yeah,(yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

She loves those garmy gar-gar-garmies
She loves those garmy gar-gar-garmies (Sure I do!)
She loves those garmy gar-gar-garmies (Sure I do!)...

Room 421
In a Nauvoo hotel
Kimball brought his daughter
But it's too soon to tell.
If I like her tomatoes, I'll seal her tomorrow
I hope that I will.

No place in my home
For a thirty-fourth wife... but I'll make room
It's a hot summer night, and I'm doing all right
We'll have an orgy or two.

Can I get some wife service please
I'm down on my knees
There are a few things I need

Could you just bring me more girlfriends
And a bottle of wine
Tell it to Emma
I think she'll be fine
Well I've got my own army
I'm the King of Nauvoo
Did you know that Pocahontas
Was actually a Jew?

My old buddy Brigham
Is a hard nut to crack
I've gotta get through to him
Maybe a "commandment"
Will make it okay
To wallow in some sin.

Will you send Porter to me please?
Old Orrin's a tease
But he's good with a gun
And he shoots folks for fun!
He'll bring me more dames
And I'll make the arrangements
For some "close-buttocks games"... for some games... for some games...

Remember to bring me more girlfriends
And a bottle of wine
It's my Word of Wisdom
We've still got some time
I can open a brewery
And sell some more beer
It won't be a commandment
For about fifty more years.

I was talking with the Savior
He gave my shoulder a squeeze
He said, "Joseph, you're my chosen stud
I need you to raise some seed."
Well, Emma wasn't happy
But who gives a crap for her
I'll say she's going to hell
And she'll have to take my word...
She'll just have to take my word!

Bring me more girlfriends
And a bottle of wine
Bring me a future
Full of vacant young minds
That I'll fill with my nonsense
About the plates made of gold
I'll tell you, fooling the faithful
Really never gets old...

(repeat chorus)

My mind has seen the glory of my freedom from the Morg;
I am sweeping out the cobwebs where the cons and lies were stored;
I hath loosed the strangling chokehold and its meetings I found bored;
My life is moving on.

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Wish I could say I never knew ya!
Ya took some of my cash, then ya stabbed me in the ass
My life is moving on.

I am saddened when I see my family with mind cramps
They push forward day-by-day trying to support those worthless gramps;
I wish I could have resigned by email and saved some stamps;
My life is moving on.

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Wish I knew the truth a little sooner.
I'll drink me some ale from a schooner.
My life is moving on

God rest you, merry Brigham Young,
Your doctrines ain't blasé!
Remember, Smith your Savior
Was born on Smithmas Day!
He gave you Salamander Power
And you not far did stray.
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

From some weird Heavenly Planet
A wingless angel flew;
To Joe Smith's attic bedchamber
And told him what to do —
Translate some gold plates in a hill
From Egypto-Hebrew-Who?
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

"Now go forth" said Moroni,
"It's time to take a wife."
To three-score you must marry
Or forfeit your dang life."
So Smith had all the fun he could
And with women he was rife . . .
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

Now to Ol' Joe sing praises,
All you who read this poem:
Give all your dough to Hinckley
And read some Churchly tome:
Or you'll deal with some EQP
From whose mouth curses foam.
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

God rest ye Merry Mormons
Let nothing you dismay!
Remember that there is no proof
There was a Christmas Day
For Christmas really started as
A pagan holiday.

Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact,
Reason and fact.
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)

They bought the whole damn story
Even the part about the angel
Come, make up a story
Up in the sky, God and Son
Told me I'm the chosen one
Come, make up a story
I'm the prophet, heed my call
Got the power to save your little soul

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Come, make up a story

Last night I snowed them
Telling tall tales, impossible things, angels
Come, make up a story
Showed them air, had 'em mesmerized
Seeing it with their spiritual eyes
Come, make up a story
I know how to play upon their darkest fears
I can tell them anything they want to hear (silly people)

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Come, make up a story

Follow my words and you must be strong
God speaks to me so I can't be wrong
In the back of my store, now follow along
Don't cry my sweet, don't break my heart
Do me tonight if you know what's smart
Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day
They believe, oh lord
They believe all the way!

Come, make up a story
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows, it's all smoke and mirrors

I'm the prophet you love so well
Got the power to damn your soul to hell
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Come, make up a story
No, you can't see the plates, I gave them to the angel

Come, make up a story
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows, it's all smoke and mirrors

I know how to play upon your darkest fears
I will tell you anything you want you want to hear (find more suckers)
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)...
I will tell you anything you want you want to hear (find more suckers),
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)...

Gold plates, peep stones and little white lies
You think I`m a fool, don't you
Hey buddy why can`t you tell the truth

Moonmen, and tapirs and dozens of wives
Oh mister the things you put me through
Your little white lies are breaking my heart in two

You come around and tell me that He loves me so
you conveniently skip the undies part and of whose blood must atone
I know who`s waiting for you on the other side of life
I`d be a fool to believe your fables `cause you're checking out my wife

Ox pools, masonic rules, and little white lies
Oh elder why can`t you be true
"The gates of Hell can't prevail" yet you believe that Joe's lie is true, yeah
Sooner or later you're going to face the truth
Little white lies will catch up with you
With nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
And no source of comfort in the sweet bye-and-bye

Red coals, brimstone and little white lies
Hey lady the things Lucifer has in store for you
When your little white lies finally catch up with you
Oh your little white lies are gonna catch up with you
Bubby, your little white lies are gonna catch up with you

Good Mormon men, rejoice,
The prophet gives you little choice:
"Beat your wives and kids today,
And don't forget — your tithing pay!"
High priests all must pay the price
Of callings once, and twice, and thrice!
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Good Mormon wives, rejoice,
The home is where you'll find your voice!
Green Jell-O™ and Tuna Plate
Are dishes you must feed your mate;
Wash, and clean: before him bow,
And he will give you children now!
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Good Mormon kids, rejoice,
You're here cuz dad is not pro-choice.
Be baptized and say your prayers,
And never question those upstairs!
Missions are a sacrifice —
Just pray you don't come home with lice.
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Gordon, Gordon, Larry's calling
Want's to have you on his show
Lob some softball questions at you
Won't ask things that you don’t know

Go on TV, go on TV
Show the world what prophets are
Go on TV, go on TV
And become a media star

Gordon, Gordon, can you tell us
If your god was once a man
Show us that you stand for something
That you don't speak as a man

"We don't know a lot about that
Don't know if that's what we teach
That's some pretty heavy doctrine
Something that's beyond my reach."

Gordon, Gordon, it's Mike Wallace
Wants to know just what you think
Here's a chance to spread the gospel
And to shill for Mormon, Inc.

"Come to Zion, come to Zion
Bring your cameras and crew
Come to Zion, come to Zion
We will pull the wool o're you."

Gordon wants Me for a Morgbot,
To work for him each day;
In every way try to serve him,
To slave and slave away.

A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
Gordon wants Me for a Morgbot.
A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
I'll be a Morgbot for him.

Gordon wants Me to pay tithing,
And clean the wardhouse;
So I'll be on my knees scrubbing,
As quiet as a mouse.
v A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
Gordon wants me for a Morgbot.
A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
I'll be a Morgbot for him.

Gordon wants me for a patoot
to go and preach for him.
To blow warm smoke up some poop-chute . . .
Krikeys! He must think I'm dim!

A patoot, a poop-chute,
He's tokin' some good stuff in his toot.
The galoot - here's my boot!
I've got some New Names for him!

When I was eight I was baptized
For all my worldly sins.
At twenty-one I was chastized
Cuz I gave up those hymns.

Get baptized, be chastized;
That's such a big load of crap, guised
As "Truth", guys. Hey - I realized
Us "Outs" are as good as you "Ins"!

Now I drink booze if I want to
Cuz I'm a free agent.
Naturally I jerk to porn, too:
Cuz I like my smokestack to vent.

Drink booze - ooh - and porn too!
I've got so much LIVING to do-oo!!
Wearing shorts thru that B. Y. Zoo
Is more fun than the sacrament.<

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas;
of that TBM's will cheer
I don't know (if we teach that)
every freak'in year.

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas
And when you walk down the street
Say Hello to friends you used to know
and every Ex-TBM you meet.

Ho ho the wind will blow
when Packer is to appear
Somebody waits for you
on FARMS BS you see

Have a holly jolly Smithmas,
and in case you didn't hear,
Oh by golly, have a holly,
jolly Smithmas this year.

Note: I didn't have to change the last verse and yet it sounds like utah....

Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,
Let your thoughts be light.
From now on
Prozac® will make your troubles bright!
Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,
Tithing's due today.
Can't pay bills?
Get down upon your knees and pray!

Pi-o-neers back in olden days
Notch-their-belt-in days of want
Dreamed of Celestial food buffets
While growing more and more gaunt.

Through Eternity we'll be togethern,
If we all obey.
Accept another calling from the Brethern,
And have yourself a churchy little Smithmas Day.

Here in Old Nauvoo where polygamy’s taught
Whether young or old all the ladies are hot
When the weather’s fine
Joe’s got women, Joe’s got women on his mind
He writes a revelation
And goes out to see who he can find

If her daddy’s rich he’ll take her out for a meal
And soon afterward his plan he’ll reveal
Take her down the lane
Then do her if she’s a teen or fifty-five
When the sun goes down
Joe will make it, make it good in a lay-by

Joe’s a prophet people
He’s a God, he’s a King
And all his lackeys, they do as they please
Better walk the line
Or the wrath of the Danites you will see
Shaggin’ your wife
She’s for takin yeah, that’s Joe’s philosophy

Sing along with him
Dee dee dee-dee dee
Dah dah dah-dah dah
Yeah he’s hor-horny
Pay lay-ale
Dee-dah-do dee dah-do pay-lay-ale
Dah-do dah dah dah
Dah Dah dah pay lay ale

Alright ah
Chh chh-chh UH Chh chh-chh, UH (ad nauseum)

When Ol’ Emma’s gone, yeah it’s party time
Bring your daughter, bring your pretty wife
It’ll soon be sealin’ time
Joe will boink them then
While Emma’s drivin’ or maybe out of town
He’ll write a revelation
Go out and see who he can find

Here on this church-owned plot,
A mall we will erect!
We’re building monuments
To show our righteousness!
What better way than this
To squander tithing seed?
And show the world we are
Consumed by greed!

Though Jesus truly taught
The kingdom’s in our hearts,
We have no need for rhet’ric
That puts interests at odds.
From concrete, stone and steel,
We’re planning to create
The Mormon equiv’lent of
A Vatican State!

Strict standards we expect
The faithful saints to keep.
Abstain from coffee, alcohol
And vile pornography.
But if the price is right
We’ll gladly welcome all,
Who’ll sell their porn and booze
In our grand mall!

Though charity is good,
We truly must confess
In light of our great land deals
We really could care less.
The prophet of our God,
His legacy we’ll build!
And spread our corporate empire
O’er the world!

Here's to the man who communed with amphibians;
White salamanders once called him by name.
Lover of magic, he deceived many people.
Lies upon lies, for the man knew no shame.

Chorus:

Here's to the farmboy, who claimed to be prophet
Con artist! Predator! This charlatan so vain!
Charming and clever, he abused those who trusted.
Genius perhaps, but most likely just insane.

Chatted with angels who appeared in his bedroom.
Found golden plates in the top of a hill.
Hat holding peep stones, a curtain for 'privacy'
The fruits of this cruel hoax remain with us still.

(Chorus)

Great his libido and endless his stamina.
His lusts and desires he never tried to quell.
Told trusted friends that the Lord had commanded
Give him their wives or they'd have to go to hell.

(Chorus)

Shocking and frightening, the legacy he left us:
Marriage to young girls. A death squad at his call.
Stole from the Masons, proclaimed it new and sacred.
Just a few examples of how the man had gall.

(Chorus)

Killed by a mob, 'cause he was so obnoxious.
Earth must face up to the lies of that man.
Wake up the world to the conflict of doctrine.
Millions shall know it is all just a scam.

High above temple square
The ruthless quorum meets
To control every thought
Of every heart that beats!

Thank God in Deseret
There lives a reasoned band!
Against this tyranny
We take a stand!

For we remember still
Oppression through the years
Blacks, gays, free thinkers, women
And those who drink beer.
 

We'll now go up
And picket Con-fer-ence!
Exposing lies and hate
With Common Sense.

I am a com-plete fraud
No neeeed to masturbate
I line up wives like bowling pins
And then we cop-u-late….

Charge me, try me – rectify me
Please don’t make me wait
Marry me – your daughter too
Fourteen is not jailbait…

Hold fast to the iron rod
Your wife - she knows the drill
A rock-star life a prophet leads
And tithing pays the bills…

Sue me, do me – see right through me
Let’s rewrite the facts
Sheep heard better in a group
Unless they’re gay or black…

A microphone to god
Nonsensical Sanskrit
Freemasonry, a bible new
A hypnotic crock of s__t…

Buy it, try it – justify it
Your planet waits for you
Just don’t question what I say
For now your cave will do…

I am digging, nightly digging
In the woods behind my home.
Drawing countless magic circles
In the hopes of finding buried gold!
Treasure digging, though it’s creepy
It’s a way to make a buck!
Conning superstitious farmers
Hey! It beats a hard day’s work!

One fine day whilst I was digging
Not for gold, but for a well.
Bless my soul! I found a peep stone!
Oh what whoppers I’ll now surely tell!
My next victim, Mr. Stowell
Living down in Harmony;
He believes in all this nonsense
And he’ll pay me sight unseen!

Though I never found the treasure,
Now I’ve got a lovely wife.
But her father; what an asshole!
He says I should up and get a life!
He says peep stones are bologna
Honest work breeds honest pay.
I say fine then, no more digging,
I’ll just translate golden plates!

I can't get no testimony, I can't get no testimony
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm kneelin' on my knees, and the Bishop's on the phone
He's tellin' me more and more about some Moroni promise
Supposed to fire my imagination

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no testimony, I can't get no testimony
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

Conference is on TV, the Prophet comes on and tell me
How happy I can be
If I pay, pray and obey
And have a testimon-ee

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no testimony, I can't get no testimony
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm in the temple and I'm token this and signin' that
I'm tryin' a secret handshake and I say
Baby, better come back maybe next week
'Cause this makes me feel just like a freak

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say. I can't get no, I can't get no
I can't get no testimony, no testimony
No testimony, no testimony