The Mormmy's

Step aside Grammy's. Here come The Mormmy's! Welcome to the best in Mormonia music. Please submit your original lyrics in the text box below.

As of 11/12/2014 this collection contains 314 Mormmy Hits. The official LDS Hymnal contains 296 hymns.
Click on songs with bold letter titles to listen to and sing along with the artists.

10%

(Original song by Doug Graves of Fanny Alger, a rock band in Washington, USA - 09/04/2003 )

D&C 64:23, "For he who is tithed shall not be burned". Fanny Alger is on a mission to get 10% of everyone's gross income. The way we figure it, we won't need to sell a million records if we can just get some Doctors and Lawyers and Sofware Developers to send in their fair share. We don't need a big record deal, we envision making our millions by Tithing our fan base."

Pete's getting jiggywiddit
He's plowing beats up
You got to earn a living
Everybody get proud!

What a wonderful world it would be
If we lived in luxury.
What I'm talking about is you putting out
And us getting down.

Because it's part of the Master Plan
You've got to give all that you can
'Cause when you give it out, you'll get it back
And it just makes sense!
When we're all. Giving 10%

Stu's getting jiggywiddit
He's moving reefers
Paul's building houses
Everybody get proud!

Because I wouldn't be here today
If hard work didn't pay
And I wanna give thanks to all the people
That are working that hard

Because it's part of the Master Plan
You've got to give all that you can
'Cause when you give it out, you'll get it back
And it just makes sense!
We're giving 2, 4, 6, 8, BIG! 10%
Ya, and it feels good.
BRIDGE

Come on. Keep on. Keep on pushing on.

Because it's part of the Master Plan
You've got to give all that you can
'Cause when you give it out, you'll get it back
And it just makes sense!

'Cause wouldn't it be nice to go home every night
And know you're loving it? Kissing it?
It just makes sense
When we're all giving 10%

We're getting jiggywiddit
FANNY ALGER SAVES!!
We got our hat out..
Put some money in it!!!

And come on. Keep on. Keep on, pushing on.
That's right! Just a little further

Come on. Keep on. Keep on, pushing on.
That's right! Just a little harder

It's hard. You will. You will.
You will abide.

50 Ways to Leave the Mormons

(Tune: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon created by Todd M and idea by Candy - 6/2000)

Slip off the G's, Bea, Testify it's a crock, Rock
You don't have to be Ex'd, Rex, Just listen to me
Join Ex-mo, Flo, If you want to discuss it
Write your letter today, Ray, And get yourself free

50 Ways to Use the Priesthood

(Tune: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon created by Stray Mutt - 01/18/2003)

The power is all inside your head, she said to me
It’s just an illusion once you see it logically
I said, don’t mock me. I’m an elder, can’t you see?
There must be fifty ways to use the priesthood

She said, I know you think the power’s in your hand
You believe that God and nature will respond to your command
If that’s true, then why’s your life not going like you planned
If you have fifty ways to use the priesthood?
Fifty ways to use the priesthood

There’s talking to God, Rod
Blessing the sick, Dick
Pray on the bread, Fred
Then pass it to me
Home teaching and splits, Fritz
As righteous as this gets
Just lock up the hall, Paul
‘Cause you’ve got the key

I have more power in my pinkie than the pope
She smiled and chuckled and replied, At least you hope
Then I realized that they’d played me for a dope
About the fifty ways

She said, why don’t you skip your meetings just one night
And think it over later when your garments aren’t so tight
Then she kissed me and I realized I had to choose the right
There can’t be fifty ways to use the priesthood
Fifty ways to use the priesthood

No work for the dead, Fred
No tithing for you, Lou
No sorrow and guilt, Wilt
Just listen to me
No bossing my mate, Nate
No doing what I hate
I’ve got to be me, Lee
And get myself free

Sing a new hymn, Jim
Get a new schpiel, Neal
Tell a few jokes, Oaks
It’s plain as can be
Don’t lie for the Lord, Gord
Don’t sit in your ward bored
Just try to avoid Boyd
And get yourself free

Abuse the Right

(Tune: "Choose the Right" created by cricket - 6/2000)

Abuse your brain when any choice is placed before you
Think in sync the Holy Brethren guide
And "we're right!" is forever preaching at you
"We're in the right," you better take our side

chorus:

Chose our right! Don't take flight!
Let whit-dumb mark the way we score.
In dim light chose truth "lite."
Or else we'll arrest you ever more.

Achy Breaky Church

(Tune: "Achy Breaky Heart" - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
Go sell your church,
Your fakey, fakey church;
Try every little schemin' dirty trick.
And when you sell the church,
Your fakey, fakey church;
You gotta emphasize the "wholesome" schtick.

2.
Go feed the sheep,
The golden, golden sheep;
You'll find that they respond quite well to milk.
And when you bring in sheep,
You fellowship those sheep
And pasturize their brains before you bilk.

3.
Search high and low,
Your numbers gotta grow.
Go door-to-door and give them what they seek.
For answers you don't know,
Let BS humbly flow;
Just bow your head and play the part of "meek."

4.
You can spout PR;
It only goes so far;
You can't fool all the people all the time.
You wrote a BriggyBook,
And that was all it took,
To take ridiculous to the sublime.

5.
So, go, sell your church,
Your fakey, fakey church...
There's still a lot of folks that you can fool.
But when they buy your church,
Your fakey, fakey church,
It's only till they go to *exmo* school.

Adam-God

(Tune: "Silent Night" - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

Adam – God!
Our true God;
We were taught
For so long.
At least until it proved insane
To claim we’re Christians just the same.
Now true doctrine is false!
Now true doctrine is false!

Little one,
Mary’s son;
Sired by God,
Jesus was!
Just the same as you and me,
Adam shagged young Mary.
Adam – God what a stud!
Adam – God what a stud!

Once it was taught.
Now it is not.
Who was right?
Who was wrong?
Who’s to say what Mormons believe?
Either way, it’s heresy!
Cognitive dissonance reigns!
Cognitive dissonance reigns!

A Mighty Fortress is our God

by Kizu Kudasai 1997

A mighty fortress is our church,
a prison never failing.
It claims to help us in the flood,
instead it leaves us flailing.
All week they bid us go,
we waste instead of grow,
our talents atrophy,
lose in-di-vid-u-ality:
we morph into our bishop's clone.
Of our resources they have use,
our money, time and energy.
Families exist to help the church,
not the church for the family.
Since they're with God aligned,
we shan't lean on our mind,
then when we get depressed,
demons must be addressed:
we shut our eyes and fo-o-low blind.

A Mighty Wanker Hath Our God


(Tune: "To Fig. 7 of Facsimile 2 of the Book of Abraham to the tune of "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" - created by Baura - 02/02/2005)

A mighty wanker hath our god.
A tower of strength ne'er fa-a-a-ling.
A studly deity is our god.
Celestial wives he's na-a-a-iling.

He cometh over all
He useth it to ball
He all did procreate
He'd never masturbate
And it shall stand for e-e-ver more.

A poor wayfaring man? Good grief!

(Tune: "A poor wayfaring man of grief.") - created by Adam - 02/22/2010)

A poor wayfaring man? Good grief!
You must be thinking of someone else
He raped his followers, stole their goods
and taught them screwy ideas about health.
He cast all who disagreed with his lies
Out of the church, and he took their wives
But there was something in his face
that made ignorant migrants feel like a master race.

On a date not important enough to note
God came to Joseph, to give him his vote
So that this this prophet, this seer, this king
could get away with any damned thing
That day ole joe recieved permission
To call everyone else an abomination
But it would be several more wonderful years
before Joe would break families and bring them to tears.

The greatest thing ole Joe e'er did
was write fiction stories when he was a kid
And even though this book is full
Of lots of plagiarism and baseless bull
His church is hell-bent to constantly throw
these stories at people, so its income will grow
Once converts accept this book, mind and soul
They are finally taught, Masonry is the goal!

In prison, he landed o'er and oer'
And cried, and wrote that God loved him more
All generations shall bless his name
and all that criticize him will be shamed
It's clear that he is more potent than any
Oopsie, I mean save Jesus only!
His revelations shall all come true
Except the ones that we misconstrue

When I was only eight years old
my parents sighned me up for Joe's fold
I was taught that in order to earn my way
to heaven, I always had to pay
my money, my time, my emotional health
to the church of the saints, to increase their wealth
I went to the temple, felt full of shame
for my lack of testimony, I took the blame

The hardest trials of my days
have come from this man's wicked ways
His penchant for silencing all dissent
was voiced by my teachers, who told me "repent"
I tried for so many years to pretend
I believed in Joseph, though I wanted to rend
My heart, til' I could not take it one day
And so I left the church, Hooray!

When Jesus comes again someday,
on the Seer's right hand, the world shall cheer,
And confess before blessed Horney Joe
That for us all he was a mar-teer
But since I am an apostate man
I have this pretty wicked plan
I'm going to bash-in his ugly face
For Joseph has shamed the human race.

Are We A Happy Family?

(Tune: "We Are A Happy Family" - created by Scotte on Soupyet.com - 11/01/2002)

I loved Hamlet, he loved me
He killed father, yesiree!
I killed myself and so you see
We are a Shakespeare family.

I grok mother, she groks me
We grok father, yesiree!
He groks us and so you see
We are a Heinlein family.

I love mother, she loves me
I killed father yesiree!
Now I'm blind and I can't see
This is a grecian tragedy.

I love Chachi, he loves me
And my brother, he's Richie
Everybody loves Fonzi!
We are a Happy Days family.

Away In An Attic [a Smithmas carol about young Joe's First Vision, er, Dream]

(Tune: "Away In A Manger" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006

Away in an attic, no room for his head,
The con artist Joseph lay down in his bed.
A glow in the corner his slumber did break
Moroni the Angel appeared and then spake:

"God told me to tell you: you're such a Good Boy,
That He's gonna make you His modern Viceroy."
Joe quivered, he quavered, he shook like a reed,
He rubbed his eyes open, his chonies he peed.

The angel departed, Joe sat up in bed,
A beam in the rooftop did smack his soft head!
The birdies they twittered, the stars they did spin,
"I'm gonna be RICH!" said our country bumpkin.

His Mommy believed all the stories he told,
His Daddy did marvel — his lies were so bold!
The power he'd dreamed of he soon would possess;
Of riches and fame he began to obsess.

Joe walked through the forest, a hill for to find
A plot was unfolding in his scheming mind.
"Some Gold Plates I'll get me…a treasure of old…
A vision of God, and a church…" he extolled.

Joe fell to his knees, for a vision did pray:
Dead silence responded. Joe said: "what the hay?
I'll claim I saw God, who's to say that I din't?
Folks always believe what they read in newsprint!"

I ask thee, dear reader, what say you to this?
A shyster, a grifter, whose product is bliss?!?
Don't buy it, says I, for in jail he should be —
That little brat Joe and his fake history!

Away In The Hayloft

(Tune: "Away In A Manger" – Children’s Songbook #42 - created by Enigma 03/13/2007)

Away in the hayloft
No room in his bed,
So Joseph took Fanny
Way up there instead.
The Saints can’t believe
That this rumor is true.
They’d rather see Cowdery
Strung up and run through.

While Emma travailed
To give birth to new life,
Joe Jr., her husband
Found him a new wife.
This Scandal in Kirtland
Caused men’s hearts to fail,
But Joseph’s high council
Cursed Cowdery to hell.

*Then with the Lord's blessing
Eliza he laid,
Then left her there pregnant
And went on his way.
When Emma discovered
Her husband's affair
She threw young Eliza
Headlong down the stairs.

In Illinois Emma
Is at her wits end.
She’s found out that Joseph
Is bedding her friends.
Joe said: Fear not Emma,
I tell you this night,
That God has now told me
Adultery’s alright.

Yes God has now told me adultery’s alright.

*3rd verse created by Sam from RFM

Barbie Girl or Borgie Girl

(Tune: Barbie Girl by Aqua - created by Kizu Kudasai 1997)

K: Praise the Lord!
B: Praise God!
K: You wanna get married?
B: Sure!
K: Let’s go
B: I’m a Mormon wife, in a Mormon life
In a bubble, safe from trouble
I will cook and clean, and do anything
Pure submission, is my life long mission
K: Come on Honey, give me your money
B: I’m a good little girl in his perfect world
I don’t think, don’t talk back, I’m your dolly
K: You’re my doll and my toy, and must do what I say
Get in bed, just lie still, do your duty
B: You can use and abuse, because now I’m always yours
I’m a Mormom wife, in a Mormon life
In a bubble, safe from trouble
I will cook and clean, and do anything
Pure submission, is my life long mission
K: Come on honey, feed me dinner
B: Ha ha ha yeah
K: Come on honey, fetch my slippers
B: ooh ooh
Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
You’re my gift right from God, I prayed for on my knees
K: Come jump in, bed again, I can do you again
A little fun, then I’m done, after starting
B: You can use and abuse, because now I’m always yours
You can use and abuse, because now I’m always yours
Oh serving God is so much fun
K: Well honey, I’m just getting started
B: Oh I love you so!

The Battle of the Plaza

(Tune: "The Battle of New Orleans" created by Breedem Young 10/30/2003 - Best sung by "Rocky the Squirrel", AKA Rocky Anderson, mayor of SLC)

In twenty o two, we rallied in Salt Lake
Along with Pres Hinckley, to make those Liberals quake
We took some canned wheat and we took some frozen pizza
And we beat the liberals bloody in the battle of the Plaza

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

We looked in Zion, and we seed homeless homos fret
Hundreds of them! Getting' free porno off the net
"No Justice No Peace" their protest they did sing
We stood behind the profit and did the Mo thing

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

Ol' Hinckley said "the Lord will smite 'em by surprise,
they won't whiz on our flowers, don't apostatize".
We didn't give heed to that pack of Liberal lies,
In F&T meeting "Rush is Right, Ditto-heads" were the cries

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

And they ran through Zion, and they ran through Deseret
And they ran through the archives where Dr Quinn wouldn't go
They ran so fast that the Elders couldn't catch 'em
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

We filed our torts till the ACLU melted down
So we herded up drunk Lamanites, and ran them out of town
We filled their minds with doubt and kissed their behinds
And when we pulled their gaming, they were in a bind

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco


And they ran through Zion, and they ran through Deseret
And they ran through the archives where Dr Quinn wouldn't go
They ran so fast that the Elders couldn't catch 'em
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

Beat It

(Tune: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson 09/24/2001 - created by JohnC of the recovery bulletin board)

They told the missionaries don't you come around here
Make like the holy ghost, you better disappear
They got the curse o'Cain and you know they're drinkin' beer
So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can
Don't be dustin' off your shoes, don't be a macho man
This ain't no preexistence, so they're gonna kick your ass
So beat it, or you know your ass is grass

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how righteous and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

Billion Dollar Business

(Tune: Alice Cooper's "Billion Dollar Babies" - 03/29/2004 - created by Stray Mutt)

Billion dollar business
Run by Gordon Hinckley
Slicker than a weasel
Slimy little prophet uses God to duck and cover

Billion dollar business
Doesn’t give accounting
Hiding from the faithful
Man or woman living couldn't find out where the tithes go

We go counting money in the basement
Where the widow’s mites are piled up high
If you’re broke, don’t tell me your sad story
Just pay tithing now or else you’ll fry

Billion dollar business
Shopping malls and ranches
Real estate and media
Empire keeps on growing growing growing growing, baby

Billion dollar business
Following the profit
Building up the kingdom
Scaring them with Jesus so they’ll write another check, yeah

We go counting money in the basement
Where the widow’s mites are piled up high
If you’re broke, don’t tell me your sad story
Just pay tithing now or else you’ll fry

Million dollar business
Billion dollar business
Trillion dollar business
Zillion dollar business

Blood Atonement

(Tune: "He Is Risen" - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

Blood Atonement! Blood Atonement!
This true doctrine Brigham preached!
Though the Mormons will deny it,
We have proof they can’t impeach.
Journals, speeches, diaries all,
Sanction this most sacred law!

When dissenters were discovered,
Throats from ear to ear were slit!
If a saint was unrepentant,
God said their blood must be spilt!
Christ’s great sacrifice it seemed,
Could not errant saints redeem.

Love your neighbor! Love your neighbor!
Brigham taught us how we should!
If a saint was deemed a sinner,
With pure love we shed his blood!
Countless souls we’ve surely saved,
Though they lie in unmarked graves!

Book of Mormon Chromosomes

(Tune: "Book of Mormon Stories" - 07/04/2001 - created by Poisein Pen)

There's a group at BYU that wants our DNA
Sorenson has too much cash and so he wants to play
Book of Mormon chromosomes, please tell us we're not whacked
Show the band, if the gel, is not cracked

Lamanites who came from far across the Bering Straits
Mitochondria from cells with Asiatic traits
Book of Mormon chromosomes, please tell us what we lack
So we that we, can become, white not black

Intellectual genes that we must wipe out and delete
With our breeding program zat ze Fuhrer zinks is neat
Book of Mormon chromosomes that make it so much fun
To believe, that the think-king's been done

Feminists who want the priesthood just like Joseph's wives
Secretly been praying to the goddess all their lives
Book of Mormon chromosomes, why X and not a Y?
If you don't, like it dear, bake a pie!

Deviated sons and daughters whom we all must fear
Why does Boyd K hate them so whose genes that God made queer?
Book of Mormon chromosomes please let me worthy be
Of a church, that can just, let them be

When Jesus wed Mary and they had a kid or two
Did he change the diapers like a Mormon dad should do
Book of Mormon chromosomes, I don't want to impose
But do I, really have, Josh Christ's nose?

There's a group at BYU that wants our DNA
I say we should all be scared as hell and run away
Book of Mormon chromosomes, like the collective Borg
You may not, clone my genes, in your Morg!

Book of Mormon Horse of Course

(Tune: "Theme Song to TV Show - Mr.Ed 'A Horse is a Horse'" - 06/04/2002 - created by Bat James)

A horse is a horse of course, of course.
And no-one can confuse a deer with a horse of course.
that is of course unless the horse is found in the B. o. M.!
Go right to the source and ask John Sorenson,
he'll give you the answer that Mormons endorse.
They're always on a dishonest course,
talk to Brother Mo!

Born to be Weird

(Tune: "Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf in 1968 - 04/09/2007 - created by cricket)

Get your Mo-mouth runnin'
Hand cart out on the highway
Lookin' for the rapture
As Jackson County comes ourway.
Yeah pioneer go make it happen
Take the world in patriarchal embrace
Arise during the resurrection all at once
And explode into space.

We like smoke and mirrors
Mormon doctrine thunder
Blowin' in the wind
And the burnin' bosom we're under.
Yeah pioneer go make it happen
Take your spouse in the temple veil embrace
Baptize your dead all at once
For the entire human race.

Like at true Primary child
We were born, born to be weird
We claim glory so high
To Kolob after we die

Born to be weird
Born to be weird

Born to Leave

(Tune: "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen" - created by Stray Mutt - 07/16/2001)

Each day we slip right out of the sheets
and fall down on our knees to pray
We thank the Lord for all of our blessings
in the proper Mormon way
The Holy Ghost is there to guide us along But we step out in the morning and something just feels wrong
A-ah
There's an empty feeling in the pit of my heart
It's all over -- I don't know where to start
Oh flip, I think I’m going to heave
I guess saints like us, baby, we were born to leave

Bishop let us out, we have too many doubts
Don't think that Joseph had those visions
And the Book of Mormon is a total fraud
Yes, that's our final decision
Together we can flea from this trap
We'll run 'til we drop. No, Bishop, we'll never be back
O-oh
So send our name removal in
Please don't make us call our lawyer
No no, you don't how we feel
We want to live a life that's true
Yeah, we want to live a life that's real

From and early age we read each page and tried to live every law
Then we studied deeper trying to build our faith, we're amazed at the things we saw
The theology is absurdity when judged with a rational mind
We want to kick our patooties for the crap we bought, how could we be so blind!
Huh!

Pay lay ale, and...
History jammed with phony heroes and a bald-faced power grab
The manipulation of credulous souls who were willing to be had
Together, sweetheart, we can leave this sadness
And escape all the madness that eating at our souls
O-oh
Sunday, babe, we'll sleep in late
Have brunch at that place where we always used to go
Then we’ll stroll through the trees
Because saints like us, baby, we were born to leave!

Boyd K. Packer

(Tune: "Called To Serve" - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007

Boyd K. Packer
Was a church employee,
CES was
Where he earned his keep.
Now he runs the quorum of twelve apostles
Truth’s his mortal enemy!

[Chorus]

Hist’ry!
Faithful hist’ry!
This is what the students need!
Some truths
Aren’t that useful
They’ll promote apostasy!
Teachers!
Church paid teachers!
This one truth you must observe;
If some facts should
Lead to doubting
Those are facts they cannot learn!

Church historians
Sure are in a quandary
Do they tell the
Truth or keep the faith?
Surely they’ll be
Excommunicated
If they don’t
Teach Packer’s way!

[Repeat Chorus]

Brigham's Family Matters

(Tune: "Family Matters" theme song " - created by Matthew - 07/24/2007/24/2001

It's a rare condition this day and age
To see monogamous couples in the chapel today
Celestial marriage is the only valid kind
Some people think one wife will suffice
Well there must be some kind of way
To show the sheep the light
Cause all I see
Is apostate beliefs
Perhaps I should give a discourse on it?

As days go by
Bigger reasons for polygamy

Busy Being Frivolous

(Tune: "Busy Being Fabulous" by The Eagles - created by cricket - 11/04/2014

I woke up to an empty church
Now with doctrine so remote
From what prophets taught years ago
Mainstreaming all they wrote

Do you brethren think I don't see right through you
Your holier than thou offends
What do you do when you come up empty?
Where do you go when the party ends?

And you are too busy being frivolous
Too busy to think about us
I don't know what you were scheming of
Somehow you forgot about love
And you are just too busy being frivolous

All of my time on a Sunday
Never allowed to slow down
Nothing really divine, just dim as the moonlight
Trivial just tool'n around

But you think life's an Ensign magazine
And tithing is the thrill
Each General Conference I hope you'll get real
Now I realize that you never will

'Cause you are just too busy being frivolous
To busy with your foolishness
Looking for legacy you'll never find
You'll never admit you left us behind
"Cause you are just too busy being frivolous, uh-huh.

You wiggle your ears and everybody's laughing
That's something you know how to do
You've always been the life of the party
But now Tommy the joke is on you.

'Cause you are just too busy being frivolous
Too busy with your foolishness
Running after promises that never come
We know now what you're really running from.

And you are just too busy being frivolous
Too busy to think about us
Soiling our sacred sacrament cup
Not noticing we were growin' up

And you are just too busy being fabulous
Too busy, too busy
Too busy
Aw, Tommy

Called to Clean

(Tune: "Called to Serve" by Jillian 07/07/2002)

Called to clean the chapels of the kingdom
Brooms in hand we rally to the cause.
To and fro we sweep and dust and vacuum.
Just accept and never pause!.

Toilets! Scrubbing toilets! We will scour away that ring!
Toilets! Scrubbing toilets! We will scour away that ring!
Cleaning! Righteous cleaning! As we polish, let’s all sing.
Sparkling chapels (mostly free of Cheerios) is the service that we bring.

Called to dust the pews and sweep the hallways.
Vacuum carpets, empty out the trash.
Work for free, it’s noble and enriching
And you’ll save the church some cash!!!

Toilets! Scrubbing toilets! We will scour away that ring!
Toilets! Scrubbing toilets? We will scour away that ring!
Cleaning! Righteous cleaning! As we polish, let‘s all sing.
Sparkling chapels (mostly free of Cheerios) is the service that we bring.

Callings are Forever

(Tune: "Families Can Be Together Forever" by Hero3D - 01/07/2006)

I have a calling here on Earth.
It has been giv'n to me.
I must fulfill it or be damned
for all eternity.

Callings are giv'n
as spiritual testing.
It's Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be
better than the rest I see.
And the Lord can
help me with that plan.

The Lord can help me
with that plan.

Can't Get No Revelation

(Tune: "Can't Get No Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones created by cricket 09/28/2001)

I can't get no revelation
I can't get no revelation
'Cause I pray and I pray and I pray
I can't get Joe, I can't get Joe

When I'm fly'n in Huntsman's jet
And Boyd man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my correlation
I can't get Joe, oh no no no
Pray pray pray, that's what they say

I can't get no inspiration
I can't get no inspiration
'Cause I cry and I cry and I try and I try
I can't get Joe, can't get Joe

When I'm with Larry King on TV
And that man questions how prophets be
How Jesus must be just ignoring me
But he can't be a Mo 'cause he doesn't blow smoke
Right out his ass as me
I can't get Joe, oh no no no
Hey, pray pray, that's what they say

I get no burning sensation
I get no burning sensation
'Cause I try and I lie and I die
I can't make doe, I can't make doe

When I'm sound bite'n the world
And I'm say'n this and I'm deny'n that
And I'm tryin' to slate Opra Winfrey
She tells me Gordy, your story is boring and weak
'Cause you see I'm on a losing streak
I can't get Joe, oh no no no I can't get Joe, oh no no no
Hey stay stay, tha't what I pray

I can't get Joe, I can't get Joe
I can't get no adoration
No revelation, no inspiration, no adoration

Chapel Smell

(Tune: "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd - created by Stray Mutt - 06/11/2004)

Baby slobber, and baby poo
Worship the Mormon way
There's sweaty clothes and Cheerios
What’s that funky air beside you?
Ooooh that smell
Can’t you place that smell?
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

Nursing mother is upon you
Messy baby in her arms (ya fool, you)
Don’t take another whiff, it’s sure to make you sick
One more breath, fool, will gag you (hell yeah)
Ooooh that smell
Just can’t shake that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

Moldy carpet in the hallway
Kid threw up in the Sunday school
Hell, they’ll clean it up tomorrow
But tomorrow there’ll be more baby poo (yeah, poo)
Ooooh that smell
Mormon chapel smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

A farting contest from the deacons
There’s no window you can crack
Just one more breath, Lord, might be your death
One hell of a price for you to save your soul (hell yeah)
Ooooh that smell
Can't forget that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you
Ooooh that smell
Mormon chapel smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of church surrounds you

Choose The Beer CTB

(Tune: "Choose the Right" created by activejackmormon - 03/06/2004

Choose the Beer
When the choice is placed before you,
Choose the Beer,
The spirits are inside,
Choose the Beer,
Let the barley drink refresh you,
When heat in summer makes you hot and dried,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
May wisdom limit you to four or five,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
Or make sure the misses is the one to drive,

Choose the Beer,
There is joy in Hefeweisen,
Choose the Beer,
With lemon on the side,
Choose the Beer,
And the Amber’s so inviten,
Poor me a cold one as the time we’ll bide,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
Now don’t go crazy drinking twenty four,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
You’d better stop before you hit the floor,

Choose the Beer,
For the stout is dark and loathsome,
Choose the Beer,
But the taste is out of sight,
Choose the Beer,
And the Pay Lay Ale is golden,
Like templesquare at Christmas time it’s full of light,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
But not a day before you’re twenty-one,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
But please don’t drink it with a loaded gun,

Choose the Beer,
Try a lager and a pilsner,
Choose the Beer,
Try Beer that’s dark and light,
Choose the Beer,
Now the barmaid you stay near her,
After a pitcher she’s a pretty sight,

Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
But drink lots of water and you take a cab,
Choose the Beer,
Choose the Beer,
And wait till you sober up to read the tab.

Church Convert Retention

(Tune: “The Spirit Of God #2" - created by Enigma 03/21/2007)

Church convert retention
Is thoroughly abysmal.
We’re loosing seven members
For every ten we reap.
The spirit of God
Has proved insufficient
In keeping fresh new proselytes
From scattering like sheep!

[Chorus]

We scream and we shout
At the regulars to welcome them,
Include them, befriend them,
Surround them with love!
We’re blinded to the fact
That our doctrine is a twisted mess.
Ergo, a rational human being
Can’t stay here for long!

Our prophet’s decreed
That new converts need just three things;
A friend, a job and nourishment
With gospel milk – not meat.
So give them home teachers
And exile them to primary
Where they’ll repeat the same nonsense
Our missionaries teach!

[Repeat Chorus]

We’ll mainstream our message
And waffle on strange doctrines;
We’ll explore every option to
Expand our tithing base!
For we could care less if
Our creed is consistent
The only thing that matters is
The church perpetuates!

[Repeat Chorus]

Despite our best efforts
We can’t seem to manage
The hemorr’ging of membership
O’re our true history.
We’ve lied, obfuscated,
Suppressed and misstated
Ourselves into apologetic
Irrelevancy!

[Repeat Chorus]

Come, Come Ye Ain'ts

(Tune: of Come, Come Ye Saints created by Kakan 5/1999)

No bishop need ye fear, but with joy, run away.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Peace shall be yours one day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless callings from us to drive
Do this and joy your hearts will swell---
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Give up your fears, fresh courage take
Your online pals will never you forsake
And soon we'll have this tale to tell--
All is well! All is well!

We'll find the place where freedom is displayed
(Likely far from the West)
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid
There the Aints will be blessed
We'll make the air with music ring
Shout praises o'er the casino's ding-ding
Above the rest these words we'll tell--
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil (home teaching, too!)
Green jello no more we'll gel
But if we manage to escape
Before they dress us in black crepe
Oh how we'll make this chorus swell---
All is well! All is well!

Come, Come Ye Saints No Toilet Labour Fear

(Tune: Come, Come Ye Saints" by Matt 02/12/2005)

Come, come, ye saints, no toilet labour fear,
But with joy, wank away.
Though hard to you this penis may appear,
Happy day, spunk is near!

'Tis better far for us to strive,
to keep our porn in a secret archive,
Do this and your cock will swell,
All is well! All is Well!

Why should we morn when our cock is hard,
'Tis not so, all is right.
Don't listen to Boyd K. Packer, for he is a blowhard.
Should we now shun the light?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take;
Produce enough to fill a lake
And soon we'll have this tale to tell,
All is well! All is well!

You'll find a place, where you will not be scared
In a room, with a light,
Where you can come upon a comely maid
Where the fun will be right.

We'll make the air with music ring,
and learn the joy of mutual masturbating,
Oh, that's swell! Oh, that's swell!
And should we come before our time is through,
Happy day! Oh, that's swell!

We then are free from toilet sorrow, too;
We'll do it again, oh that's swell!
But if we try that stuff again,
Please don't tell your boyfriend, Shane!
Because as you know, he can be a pain!
O how we'll make this penis swell,
All is well! All is well!

Come, Listen to a Prophet's Voice

(by Gordon B. Weakly 3/2000)

Come, listen to a prophet's voice, And hear new words from God.
We have no truth so lets rejoice, With a wink and a nod.
We reject the way the prophets went, Who lived in days of yore.
Another prophet now is sent, Old doctrine to abhor

The gloom of solemn doctrine spread, From Kolob out in space
Is banished by our living Head, Because God won't show His face.
Thru erring schemes in days now past, This church has gone astray:
The Saints of Nod are OK at last, Whether straight, lesbian or gay.

Tis not in dogma we place our trust, Nor on the Brethren rely.
Full well embrace those we must, Whom the brethren deny.
The people to their prophet saith, Don't you dare lead astray,
Else we flee this dying faith, Especially in the latter-day.

Then heed words of reason and light, That flow from nature pure.
Yes, be yourself with all your might, Till in your heart you're sure,
Til you hear your inner voice, Singing loudly your own name,
As joy and cheer be your choice, free at last from shame.

Come Listen To A Prophet's Voice

(created by MaKolob 1998)
1.
Come, listen to a prophet's voice;
And hear the word of Fraud.
Hear selective truths; milk's the drink of choice;
Wear McGarms to cover up your bod.
We've found the way to enlightenment;
Yes, we lighten wallets with our lies.
Unto all the world, our message sent;
Ever-changing, try it on for size.

2.
Ignore the gloom of overwhelming facts;
Go to meetings; follow, as you should.
Let us point the way to BigCelestialMacs,
Truth-Lite(tm)* served up for your own good.
Intellectuals ex'd because they talked too much.
You may think, but you must never share.
HappyMeals can be your lifelong crutch;
You're protected in our underwear.

3.
'Tis not in history we put our trust;
Nor on the Internet rely.
Full well assured, you know you must:
Close your eyes, deny, deny, deny.
The Prophet to his people saith:
"All the thinking has been done"
PR-ads shall feed your wavering faith,
To your head we hold a spiritual gun.

4. (Bruce McMuffin Special)
Then heed the words of mormondumb
That flow from Bruce-only-knows.
Yea, keep our laws, suck up every crumb
Or your mouth the Danites just might close.
Till thou shalt hear thy Bishop's voice
Instructing paths to be abstained;
While joy and cheer attend thy "choice"
Until all thy tithes we have obtained.

Con One Another

(Tune: "Love One Another" - by KimberlyAnn - 03/12/2007)

As we have conned you,
Con one another
This Boyd's commandment
Con one another

Some things which are true,
Are not very useful,
So as you've been conned,
Con one another.

Convert Dance - by Missionaries Without Hats

(Tune: "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats - Matthew - 07/15/2001)

You can convert whoever you want to
Make them leave their religions behind
Cause your friends aren't converts
And if they aren't converts
Well they're no friends of mine

We can convert
We can convert
Everybody burn your bosoms
We can convert
We can convert
Preaching it more and more
Oh, the convert dance
The convert dancep

Don't ever hang with exmo's
They will fill you with information
Cause your friends won't convert
And if they don't convert
They'll never join the flock.

We can convert
We can convert
Teach Joe Smith saw Jesus
We can convert
We can convert
Teach the Bible is incorrect Oh, the convert dance
The convert dance

You will need to pay your tithing
Or you'll never visit the temple
And if you don't go
You won't learn the handshake
That will get you past Joseph Smith

Convert dance
Convert dance
Temple garments are annoying
Convert dance
Convert dance
Givin' you milk before meat
Oh, the convert dance
The convert dance
The convert dance (fade)

Cougareataville

(Tune: Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville; dedicated to that guy who wrote to the Daily Universe claiming that men can’t control themselves when women dress provocatively - created by M. Spaff Sumsion - 3/1999)

It’s eight on a Monday
I’m late for a fun day
I rush to the ELWC and stake out my spot:
A booth by the hallway
I’ll be in it all day
Gawkin’ at coeds they’re so freakin’ hot
 

Wastin’ the day again in Cougareataville
Checkin’ out all these babes from the Y
Some chicks would claim
Their sexy clothes ain’t to blame
But I know
That’s only a lie
 

I ache for the springtime
‘Cause that’s clothing-cling time
I think of them T-shirts; I slobber and wheeze
So I hide in my textbook
And wait for my next look
At some betty’s shorts as they ride off her knees
 

Wastin’ the day again in Cougareataville
Searchin’ for my lost eternal mate
Some say I’ll find
That this is driving me blind
But for now
My vision is great
 

I can’t wait till seven
These two babes from heaven
Walk by every night and they’re drivin’ me nuts
I hope that the blonde’ll
Wear stripes horizontal
Because they accentuate her you-know-whats
 

Wastin’ the day again in Cougareataville
Waitin’ for my poor hormones to halt
Some chicks would moan
And blame my testosterone
But they know
It’s their own dang fault
 

Yeah, some say I’ll find
That this is driving me blind
But for now
My vision is great

................

and in response to Cougareataville by anonymous 10/19999

................

Wasting Away in Cougareataville- Next Year

She pulls on her tank top,
short shorts and flip flops.
Through Fall leaves we walk cheek to cheek.
We kiss in the bright sun,
my hand on her left bun.
Campus security can't stand it, they totally freek.

Wastin' away in Cougareataville.
Idaho babe I think you're The One.
It won't be much time,
before you're all mine,
unless they find out what all that we've done.

Her roomates are nosy,
they're love life's all lousy.
They try but can't catch us in bed.
They threaten to tattle,
with Sin they do battle.
To the Bishop we're nearly spiritually dead.

Wastin' away in Cougareataville.
Waiting for the Standards Committe to rule.
Our ball teams are loosing,
the players all boozing,
But to her they are so much more cruel.

She packs up her Corvette,
and scrubs out the toilet.
Leaves knowing why they call Provo "The Zoo".
Where is she going?
Somewhere its snowing.
Utah State, they don't care what you do!

Wastin' away in Cougareataville.
Lusting for my lost eternal mate.
Most pairs soon wed,
in the temple, then bed.
But I can't even get me a date.

I ditch all my wild dreams,
of nightly orgasmic screams.
What makes the exceptional wife.
I lower my standards,
date only dullards.
Just get married and get on with my life.

Gaining the weight in Cougareataville.
Ten pounds each month of celestial lard.
Some girls don't care,
if through daily prayer,
Command them, you to marry no matter how hard.

Count The Many Reasons

(Tune: Count Your Blessings - created by Jillian 04/20/2001)

When upon your pillow you have turned and tossed,
Because you are afraid your testimony's lost.
Count the many reasons it is all a hoax
And takes unfair advantage of believing folks.

Chorus:

Count the reasons you are glad you're free.
Count the reasons and you'll shout with glee.
Count the reasons, one and two and three.....
Think of all the things you now are free to be.

When you look at others who are TBM's
Think of all the sacrifice that never ends.
Ten percent of income and no time to spare.
They don't even get to choose their underwear.

(Chorus)

So amidst confusion and some mental pain
Realize its part of taking back your brain.
Choices for a fuller life now will abound.
And you can rejoice in your new freedom found.

(Chorus)

Count Your Many Failings

(Tune: "Count Your Many Blessings" - lyrics by Stray Mutt - 12/25/2002

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed
When you feel discouraged, thinking all is lost
Count your many failings, name them one by one
'Cause you're being punished for the things you've done

Count your failings
That's why you're not blessed
Count your failings
That's why you're depressed
Count your failings
God loves you the best
Count your many failings, well, you know the rest

Do you slave for others but they just don't care?
Is your loving kindness met with hostile glares?
Count your many failings, ev'ry doubt will fly
And you'll know your sinning is the reason why

(chorus)

Do you love your neighbor? Well, that doesn't count
While you work for charities your black marks mount
Count your many failings. It's September One
And you still don't have all your home teaching done

(chorus)

Does the world seem scary, full of hate and pain?
Were your whole life savings sucked right down the drain?
Count your many failings, yes, it's all your fault
You must send more money to the church's vault

(chorus)

Global war and conflict, battles great and small,
Death, disease and sorrow, yes, you caused it all
Count your many failings, hear the prophet wise
Every time you masturbate a kitten dies

(chorus)

One too many piercings, watching MTV
Playing ball on Sundays, shorts above your knee
Count your many failings, oh, you know full well
Just one cup of coffee and you'll burn in hell

(chorus)

Cowboy: The Brigham Young Anthem -by Kid Polygamist

(Tune: Kid Rock's "Cowboy" created by Matthew - 07/20/2001)

Polygamist....
Polygamist....
Well I'm a packin up my wives
And head out west
Where antimormons are too lazy
To follow us there
Find a place in the desert
By a salt lake
Build a mansion at the top
For my wives to serve
And I'm gonna prophecy left and right
Bout blood atonement and adam-god
Preach the seed of cain is evil
And force young couples to marry every day
Given toast to Joe Smith
Hidin' my cigars
So the other GA's won't get jealous
Bangin' my wives
And givin' discourses
Start a Danite service
To fight the armies
And to chase down all those apostates
Brigham Young, I'm the real prophet
And I'm headin' out west sucka,
Cause I wanna be a polygamist baby!

(Wives chorus) With all his wives, and racist doctrine
Polygamist,baby!
(Wives) Spends all his time impregnating us
Polygamist, baby.
(Wives) Prophesying all day and bangin' all night
Polygamist, baby.

I'll bet you hear the sheep calling
When I make my doctrine
They go "baaaa-baaaa"
From dusk till dawn
(Adam was God, don't forget that)
I once had one wife,
Now I got thirty
Desert sand and rattlers
Apostates and Mountain Meadows
Find a map to the CK
Find the spirit Carmen Electra
I'm gonna get sealed to her and let
Utah know why they call me Polygamist, baby.

(repeat chorus)

Yeah, Brigham and I'm the prophet
Don't make me get the danites
Don't make me damn you
When the time is right
I'll bring down judgement
Gonna paint Kolob red
And paint the moon white
Find quakers livin' on the moon
Make them tithe whatever they have
Find interstellar wives
For a polygamist player
Government told me to stop
But they can't make me
Why they wanna pick on me?
Take my wives and lynch me high
I ain't no seed of cain
Just a regualar prophet
Like straight outta Kolob,
I'm straight out the Methodists
Curse like a catholic
My only words are wisdown are:
(spoken) 2 Nephi 8-9
I'm makin my move to damn the Lamanites
And keep on warning about my danites
Polygamist.

(repeat chorus)
(end)

Crazed Was The Man

(Tune: Praise To The Man - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Self-designated and greedy profiteer.
From marriage vows he took several vacations;
Duped was that Emma, damnation bid her fear.

chorus:
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Power and glory was not the only prize.

2.
Blessed was Briggy to inherit the kingdom;
He led the faithful in ways that give us pause.
He far surpassed Brother Joseph in urging
Women to give all they could for the cause.

a new chorus:
Another crazed man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Recycled power, and he thought himself a prize.

3.
Living deception as they rewrite their history;
Revising "her'tage" to fit a better mold.
Time marches on, and attracts other joiners.
Funding the profits, old doctrines are spun-told.

yet another chorus:
Crazed were those men; they commune through the ages;
Their brand of "worthy" puts believers in a jam-they-am.
Today, as the Internet is accessed by seekers;
Millions shall know HornyToads were just a sham.

Dead Man’s Party

(Tune: "Dead Man’s Party - Oingo Boingo" - created by Kimberly Ann - 02/09/2007)

All dressed in white to the temple I go
Walkin’ with a dead man over my shoulder

Waiting for some inspiration to arrive
Baptizing people who aren’t still alive

CHORUS:

He was struck by lightning
Walkin’ down the street
Now I’m watchin’ a video tryin’ not to sleep
It’s a dead man’s party
Who could ask for more
All ye worthy come in, show your recommend at the door
Show your temple recommend at the door.

(Spirit prisoners, we’ll set you free)

(In Paradise, you’ll Mormons be)

All dressed in white to the temple I go
Walkin’ with a dead man over my shoulder

Waitin’ for some inspiration to arrive
Baptizing people who aren’t still alive

Got my white suit and my tie
A goofy baker’s hat floppin’ o’r my eye
Knocking three times on heaven’s door
Givin’ handshakes I learned before

(Spirit prisoners, we’ll set you free)

(In paradise, you’ll Mormons be)

(Dead people, we’ll set you free…)

Did You Pray to Think

(Tune: "Dedicated Follower of Gordon" to tune of "Dedicated Follower of Fashion by the Kinks - created by Stray Mutt - 02/23/2003)

He's praying here, he's paying there
He struts his stuff in Temple Square
He's a priesthood holder so he's better than the rest
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

And when he dons his temple gowns
He never gripes, he never frowns
Eagerly pursuing exaltation every day
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon.

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
Following the prophet to the very end
One week he's at gen'ral conference, next week he's in church
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

In navy suit and power tie
His calling's sure if he should die
Everywhere the garment-wearing army marches on
Each one an dedicated follower of Gordon

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
His world is built 'round fam'ly and home teaching
This scripture-quoting individual always does his best
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)
Acts like an Apostle or a Seventy
In matters of the gospel he's as certain as can be
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Gordon
He's a dedicated follower of Gordon
Yes, he's a dedicated follower of Gordon

Did You Pray to Think

(Tune: "E're You Left Your Room This Morning" - created by Stray Mutt - 10/25/2002)

'E're you left your room this morning
Did you pray to think?
Did you ask your favorite god-man
"Make my logic work, if you can
'Cause it seems to stink"

(chorus)
Oh, how thinking makes you weary
Reason takes you to the brink
But you'll always see more clearly
When you pray to think

(verse)
When you read your gospel lessons
Do you stop and think?
"Hey, there's someting wrong with this book
Maybe I should take a close look
There must be a link"

(chorus)
Things are not quite like they promised
God's full armour has a chink
If you want to know what you missed
Don't forget to think

(verse)
When you're following the prophet
Do you pray to think?
Is he speaking for the Lord, or
Is he speaking just for Gordo
Or for Mormon, Inc.?

(chorus)
You might lose your testimony
It could happen in a blink
You might see the church is phony
When you pray to think

DNA

(Tune: "Secret Prayer #144" - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

There is a code in each of us
A micro-protein chain.
It helps us trace our origins
We call it DNA!

[Chorus}

Genome tests,
Genome tests!

Genetic drift,
Genetic drift!

And chromosomes
Mere chromosomes

Help scientists
Help scientists.

To finally prove
We now have proof

We truly can
We finally can

Track migratory clans!
Track migratory clans!

The Book of Mormon claims to be
A record of some Jews.
Who sailed to the Americas,
B.C. five-ninety-two.

[Repeat Chorus]

This book claims they spread north and south
And covered all the land!
Too bad geneticists can’t find
A single Jewish strand!

[Repeat Chorus]

Since Lamanites cannot be found
The faithful Mormons try
To salvage their ridic’lous claims
And claim that science lies!

[Chorus –4th verse]

Natives came
Those natives came

From Asian lands!
From Asian lands

DNA
That tiny stuff

Proves that’s a fact!
Proves this a fact.

Now it’s true
Guess what it’s true

That science can
That science can

Prove the Mormon book’s a sham!
Prove the Mormon book’s a sham!

Doin' the Masonic Shuffle: Ward Hoe-Down Night!!

03/05/2005 - by Scott Tippetts

Elders, bow to the purty little darlin' on your left....
You Sisters, give a curtsy to that baker-hatted gent!

Everyone face the front where the matron scowls real stern....
Pay 'ttention to the Man Adam or in hell ya gonna burn!

Now put on that green apron an' jes cinch it up tight....
Make sure yer hat-string's tied to yer white overalls on the right!

Women, show a little token to the gentleman on yer left....
There's a death penalty with it, so keep them handshakes deft!

Men, recite a cultic oath with a silly new name....
You women, be patient, it's yer turn to do the same!

Now allemande left with a left allemande....
Pay Lay Ale up & down like a palm leaf frond!

Everybody do-si-do 'round the altar up front....
Hold hands in a circle and pray fer Gordon, the gnarly runt!

Everybody up in in front go return back home....
Now line up single file behind the 80 year old gnome!

Step smart with yer pardner to the veil on the side....
Stick yer hands through them holes so you ken git cee-les-tia-fied!

Gimme five points of fellowship - but keep those boners down you men....
Whisper secret combinations and The Massa let you in!

Brothers, grab yer pardner with a Patriarchal Grip....
Promenade her into heaven now, don'tcha let her slip!

Pass on through, nod to that white suited man....
Be QUIET now y'all, hear a revvee-layshun if ya can!

Kinky sisters, ask yer pardners if they wanna uh-nish-ee-ate....
Nekkid washin' and annointin', don't nobody hesitate!

Now bow to yer pardner while I finish up my rhyme....
Lookin' smug to each other like ya been Masons all the time!

Back to the locker room, take off that costume slow....
Drive back home like nuthin' happened - normal folk will never know!

Yee-haw!

(With special credit to Quevedo, for coining the phrase 'doing the Masonic Shuffle')

Don’t Blame the Negro*

(Tune: "Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult - created by RB - 05/16/2004)

We kept our first estate
Righteous, strong, and brave
Thank God we chose the right
Now we’re delightsome and white

Not like all the darker ones
Too chicken***t to fight

But don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)
Don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)

Satchmo and Spike Lee
Oprah, Booker T.
Chris Rock and Dr. J
God fried them up that way

They like to whine for “civil rights”
But that’s the commie way

So don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)
Don’t blame the negro
(Don’t blame the negro)

Beware the seed of Cain
And marriage with that race
We’ll claim it’s “all behind us”
But we won’t disobey

Sasquatch, Satan, Lamanites
And negroes: all the same
They’re dirty, filthy, loathsome, too
They’ll infect you with their sinful stain

But don’t blame the negro…

We'll take that Gladys Knight
Parade her day and night
Pretend it's all okay
"We'll love her anyway

Cos she's a wonderful negro
A credit to her race"

So don't blame the negro
("Who can blame the negro?")
Don't blame the negro
("My best friend's a negro")
Don't blame the negro
("They have a wonderful sense of style")
Don't blame the negro
("My son served in Alabama, and met lots of marvelous negroes")
Don't blame the negro
("My son says not all of them are criminals")
Don't blame the negro
("It's not his fault he can't control himself")
Don't blame the negro...

* One thing I noticed after reading a lot of those political talks in the sixties by Benson and Petersen: they repeatedly in effect said that blacks only THOUGHT they wanted civil rights, because they were so dumb, they couldn't help but fall for the sly arguments of the communists who told them that's what they should want. I think it is fair to say that this position relies on a certain amount of projection, as well as presumptuousness.

Because of this belief, they repeatedly told Saints to not blame "the negro". It wasn't his fault he was so retarded, he didn't realize that he didn't actually want civil rights.

Don't Cry for Me Elder Tanner

(Tune: "Don't cry for me Argentina" - created by Primus) - 02/23/2007)

Don't Cry For Me Elder Tanner

You do it easily, I think it’s strange
When you fake how you feel
That you cry over what Joseph’s done

I don’t believe you
All your tears don’t convince me it’s true.
Although you bawl to the nines
Tears still doesn’t make it true.

You’re getting sappy, You need to change
Go with the facts, not how you feel
It might work for a widow, I think we’re done

So I choose freedom
I’ve got running around, now you must shoo
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to

[Chorus:]

Don't cry for me Elder Tanner
The tears don’t make it true
No matter how much you pray
It’s a mad existence
It’s all lies, I promise
Now keep your distance

Don't Cry For Me Mormonistas

(Tune: "Don't cry for me Argentina" - created by Gail (Naomi: my tempull name) - 03/06/2004)

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I don't need the Morg after all that you've done

You won't believe me
All you will see is a girl you once named
Although she's tossed out the apron and the undies
She will not be ashamed

God made it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life under your heel
Looking out of the prison, missing out on the Son

So God Released Me!
Grace does abound, loving everything new
But nothing impressed me from you
Like the prophets expected it to

Chorus:

Don't cry for me Mormonistas
The truth is I'll never miss you
All through my Morg days
My sad existence
God kept His promise
I am NOT NAOMI!

And as for Standards, they have not changed: I never let VT’s in tho’ it seemed to the ward, it was all I desired.
It was based on ILLUSIONS!
This was Not the Jesus you promised to me!
The real Lord was here all the time!
I serve Him and KNOW He loves Me!

Chorus:

Don’t Cry for Me Mormonistas! (repeat)
The truth is I'll never miss you
All through my Morg days
My sad existence
God kept His promise
I am NOT NAOMI!

Don't know any Church history

(Tune: "Don't know much about history" by Sam Cooke - created by anonymous - 03/15/2004)

Don't know any church history.
Don't know arch-ea-ol-o-gy.
Don't know much about the Mormon book.
Don't know much about the French I took.

But I do know, the church is true
And I know that if you'd join it too
What a wonderful Morg this would be.

Don't know much about geography.
Don't know where Shilom should be.
Don't know much about genetic laws.
That's what FARMS and FAIR are for.

But I know that one and one's not two.
And if you'd get your spouse to sign up too
What a wonderful Morg this would be.

Now I don't claim to be an "A" mishie
But I'm trying to be
Because by returning an "A" mishie baby
I can go and get mar-ried.

Don't know much about the D-and-C.
Don't know much about pol-yg-a-my.
Don't know much about a science book.
Boyd K Packer told us not to look.

But I do know, the church is true.
And I know that if you'd tithe us too
What a wonderful Morg this would be.

(Tra la la, repeat chorus.)

Do What We Say

(Tune: "Do What Is Right" - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

Do what we say
Regardless of conscience!
Mindless obedience
That is our creed!
We do not care
If you think we’re old codgers
We must be sure
Of your full loyalty.

[Chorus]

Follow the brethren
Let reason lie fallow.
Do not your learning
Or intellect try.
And if you ever
Should dare to oppose us,
Your heresy
We will always decry!

Do what we say
Tis easier than thinking.
Leave moral judgment
To prophets and seers.
And if you doubt
Our lofty intentions,
You must be sinning;
Repent and be clean!

[Repeat Chorus]

Do what we say
No questions need asking.
God is our captain
For his truth we fight!
And for this cause
We will castigate thousands,
Trample your freedoms
And shackle your mind!

[Repeat Chorus]

Down in the Brethren's Vault

(Tune: "High on a Mountain Top" - created by Stray Mutt - 07/15/2001)

Down in the Brethren's vault the smoking guns are stored
And scary facts are hidden safe from all the world
The evidence that shows things are not what they claim
Are locked away to guard the Prophet's name

Historians of old had access to the files
'Til secrets they unearthed there wiped away the smiles
The vault was ordered shut, they threw away the key
To keep the ugly truth from you and me

"The facts don't always serve to build the faith," they said.
"And what's the point of raising issues that are dead?
The correltaed texts and scriptures that you read
Are all the infromation you will need."

Researchers from the Y, quite righteous in intent
Sought access to the vault but couldn't make a dent
"There's nothing you can learn from digging in the past
And if you push you'll lose your tenure fast."

A forger named Mark Hoffman knew the Brethren's mind
He understood they'd pay to keep their followers blind
He scribbled out a dream in Joseph Smith's own hand
That salamander made him fifteen grand

They say a shiny stone that Smith kept in his hat
is there with Laban's sword. Can you imagine that?
But how are we to know? They will not let us in.
And just to ask about it is a sin.

The truth shall make you free, at least that's what they say
But truths get buried deeper in the vault each day.
"The fact are what we say, now heed the prophet"s call
And please forget the vault is there at all."

The Downtown Salt Lake Real Estate Song

(Tune: "Bob Marley's "Iron Lion Zion" - created by Stray Mutt - 01/22/2005)

They bought my block
And then they checked their stock
I have to run like a fugitive
I got no place to live
They’re gonna be lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
The church will be lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ buyin’ Zion

I have to roam
‘Cause I ain’t got no home
See they tearing down my place
To build commercial space
And the brethren be lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ and buyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ buyin’ Zion

Buy them a mall (buyin’ them a building)
No that ain’t all (blockin’ off the streets again)
It’s how they spend all the tithes you give
Like water through a sieve
Yeah, Gordon be lyin’ and buyin’ up Zion
The Saints they be cryin’ and dyin’ in Zion
Lyin’ buyin’ Zion…

Edit the Prophet

(Tune: "Follow the Prophet - Children's Songbook #110" - created by Quevedo - 07/24/2001)

Joseph was ambitious
Back in old Nauvoo
There were lots of sisters
That he had to do-oo
Fanny was the favorite
Of his wifely lot
Unlike sister Emma
She was really hot
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Emma will stay

Brigham loved his Danites
They would just appear
When his little problems
Needed lots of fea-ear
Blood atonement was the
Mark of Danite love
Cut from ear to ear they'd
Send you back above
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Sinner's away!

Spencer had a problem
With the Seed of Cain
For all the new temples
They were such a pai-ain
Like the Book of Mormon
We can all change some
After minor changes
We're all delight-some
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
The racial way

Ezra was a Bircher
Friend of Red Scare Joe
He saw fags and commies
Behind every doo-oor
By the time he made it
To the very top
He was so dang old
That Gordon ran the shop
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
The couns'lor way

Gordon worked for PR
All his Mormon life
So with news reporters
He never has stri-ife
Now he's on the TV
Spinning like a top
Those who loved King Follett
Now will have to stop
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say-ay
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
The TV way

Tommy was a newsman
For so many years
If he has to change type
He will not shed tea-ears
Focus groups and polling
Yet will rule the day
Headlines will be printed
In the PC way
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Do as I say
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
Edit the prophet
PC's the way

Elastic Band Baker's Hat

(Tune: Bob Dylan’s “Leopard-skin Pill-box Hat”) - created by Stray Mutt - 02/01/2009)

Well, I see you got your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat
Yes, I see you got your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat
Well, you must tell me, brother, how your head feels under somethin' like that
Under your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat

Well, you look so handsome in it, brother; can I try it on sometime?
Yes, I just wanna see if it's the temple-worthy kind
You know it clings right to your head when you make those holy signs
Your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat

Well, if you wanna show your tokens, brother, I know where
We'll go to the temple sometime, we'll both just sit there and stare
Me with an apron around my waist And you just sittin' there
In your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat

Well, I asked the bishop if I could home teach you; it's bad for your faith, he said
Yes, I disobeyed his orders, I came to see you but I found him there instead
You know, I don't mind him lyin’ to me, but I sure wish he'd take that off his head
Your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat

Well, I see you got a new wifey; you know, I never seen her before
Well, I saw her makin' love to you; you forgot to close the chapel door
You might think she loves you for your priesthood but I know what he really loves you for
It's your brand new elastic-band baker’s hat

Elder Boi

(Tune: "Sk8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne - created by Eldergirl - 11/16/2003)

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
He was a Mo
She did Sk8board
What more can i say
He wanted her
She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
They had a problem with his temple clothes

He was a Elder Boi
She said see you later boy
She wasn't good enough for him
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth

5 years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She opens the door
Guess who she sees
Elder Boi convertin' Salt Lake City
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they've all be
Baptized to choose the right
She tags along
Stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down

He was a Elder Boi
She said see you later boy
She wasn't good enough for him
Now he's on his mission
Slamming with his companion
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

He was a Elder Boi
She said see you later boy
She wasn't good enough for him
Now he's on his mission
Slamming with his companion
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside

He's just a boy
And im just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we found the gospel in our lives.

I'm with the Elder Boi
I said see you later boy
I'll be a crazy MollyMormon
I'll be at the ward chapel
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know

I'm with the Elder Boi
I said see you later boy
I'll be a crazy MollyMormon
I'll be at the ward chapel
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know

Elder Man

(Tune: "Barbie Girl by Aqua - created by Steve Nunez Copyright 1997)

(talking)
Hey Steve,
Hey Elder,
Do you wanna go on a split?
Sure thing!

(singing)

I'm an Elder Man,
doing all I can,
Help people realize,
they should be baptized,
The Book of Mormons true,
The spirit will tell you,
Its our foundation,
So's Joseph Smiths translation,

Stop your squawking,
Let's go walking!

I'm an Elder Man,
I'm talking bout the Plan,
Of Salvation,
And the restoration,
If you read and pray,
and then try to obey,
the Word of Wisdom,
You'll make it to the Kingdom.

I'm a man,
dressed in white,
with a little black tag,
out the door,
Down the road,
with my book bag.
My comps cool, He's the best,
When at Work,
or at rest,
He'll ride bikes,
walk down halls,
and make media calls.

If you Fast,
and you pray,
You can strive for Baptism one day!
Oh yeah!

I'm an Elder Man,
I'm taking up a Stand,
against Satan,
There's no Debatin',
We won't give up the fight,
we want to choose the right,
Teach with the spirit,
We'll let the people hear it.

Quit your yappin',
Let's go tracting,
Your right compy!
White shirts glowin,
Name tags showin,
They're white, That's Right.
no more sighin'
We'll keep tryin'
No more feeling down.
With faith growing,
Let's get going!
Don't Fear! He's Near!

We will teach,
We will preach,
as the spirit directs,
we'll baptize and confirm,
the teachings that they learn.
We're your friends,
Not your foes,
I'm sure now that you know,
We will fight,
with our might,
For the things that are right!

If you Fast,
and you pray,
You can strive for Baptism one day!
Oh yeah!

Quit your yappin',
Let's go tracting,
Your right compy!
White shirts glowin,
Name tags showin,
They're white, That's Right.
no more sighin'
We'll keep tryin'
No more feeling down.
With faith growing,
Let's get going!
Don't Fear! He's Near!

I'm an Elder Man,
I'm talking bout the Plan,
Of Salvation,
And the restoration,
The Book of Mormons true,
The spirit will tell you,
Its our foundation,
So's Joseph Smiths translation,
oh I'm an Elder Man,
I'm doing all I can,
Help people realize,
they should be baptized,
We won't give up the fight,
we want to choose the right,
Teach with the spirit,
We'll let the people hear it.

Quit your yappin',
Let's go tracting,
Your right compy!
White shirts glowin,
Name tags showin,
They're white, That's Right.
no more sighin'
We'll keep tryin'
No more feeling down.
With faith growing,
Let's get going!
Don't Fear! He's Near!

(talking)
Thanks for the Split Elder,
Anytime!

Elder Packer

(Tune: "Mr. Sandman by the Chordettes" - 12/05/2004 by brainbutter

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Elder Packer, bring me a dream (dum-dum-dum-dum)
Make it the wettest, that I've ever seen (dum-dum-dum-dum)
Please take from me this great temptation (dum-dum-dum-dum)
so I won't give in to mas-tur-bation.
Packer, I'm so horny (dum-dum-dum-dum)
Can't seem to stop my little fact'ry (dum-dum-dum-dum)
I made sure to pay tithing,
Elder Packer, bring me a dream.

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Elder Packer, bring me a dream
I ate a whole pie of banana cream.
I beg of you in the name of Hinkley,
so that I will not have to squeeze my twinkie.
Packer, I tied my hands to the bed,
If there's a fire, I'll sure be dead.
I need to sleep, Book of Mormon I'll read,
Elder Packer, bring me a dream.

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum...

Elder Packer, please make me straight
This self abuse has turned me gay.
After a bath I won't look in the mirror
Only girl I think of is Bette Midler.
My balls, don't make me remove 'em
Give me a burning but not in my bosom
I'm so desp'rate, I've tried everything
Elder Packer, bring me, please, please bring me
Elder Packer, bring me a dream.

dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum

Evasion

(Tune: Salvation by The Cranberries. Writen by Axel Donovan - 09/06/2003)

To all those people hearing lies
Don't buy it
Don't buy it
Inject your heart with reasoning
And run away
To all the kids with gullible minds
Don't buy it
Don't buy it
Because it's not, not really true
No, no, it's not, not really true

Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise
Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise

To all the ones with doubtful minds
Doubtful minds
Send all notes to Bishop Brown
Then leave town
To all the kids with gullible minds
Don't buy it
Don't but it
Because it's not, not really true
No, no, it's not, not really true

Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise
Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise

Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise
Evasion, evasion, evasion is wise

Exit Interview Song

(Tune: "If You Leave by OMB" - created by Tyson Dunn - 01/07/2007)

If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take your tithes away
Promise me just one more try
Then we'll both kneel down and pray

We've always had testimonies
Now yours is fading fast
For the sake of every Mormon
We've got to--we've gotta make it last

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said you'd wear your g's, each day.

If you leave I will cry
I'll call every single day
But if you leave don't look back
I'll be stalking you every way

Temple vows went under the bridge
The thought gives me a chill
Heaven's our forever goal
You've got to--you've gotta say you will

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said you'd wear your g's, each day.

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said we'd still be friends

I touch you once I touch you twice
I let you know, Here's my advice
You need them now like you needed them then
You always said you'd wear your g's, each day.

If you leave
Oh if you leave
Oh if you leave
You'll never leave
the Church alone!

Exmo from Utah

(Tune: "Gringo en Mexico" by Maria Muldaur. created by Stray Mutt - 03/27/2004)

I was raised up in old Salt Lake City
Raised up and put down and told what to do
Now, looking back, it just seems like a pity
I think that I must have been some kind of fool

Ah, all the things I could tell you
Ah, things you wouldn’t believe
Ah, things obscene and illegal
Ah, it’s all right there to see

Now you will find me out here Sunday mornings
Not in their churches or on Temple Square
Drinking a latte and wearing a tank top
Rings in my nipples, green dye in my hair

Ah, all the things I could tell you
Ah, things you wouldn’t believe
Ah, things obscene and illegal
Ah, it’s all right there to see

Follow the prophet, don’t cause a commotion
Pray in the morning and noon and at night
Turn off your brain and don’t show your emotions
Just pay a full tithing and vote on the right

Ah, all the things I could tell you
Ah, things you wouldn’t believe
Ah, things obscene and illegal
Ah, it’s all right there to see

Exmo from Utah now lives like he wants to
Happy and thriving, come join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Aaah, come and join me, why don’t ya?
Why don’t ya?
Why don’t ya?

Exmos Light The Fire

(Tune: Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" - Album - Storm Front - 1989 Columbia Records - created by Byron G and cricket - 8/2000)

1st Verse

Joseph Smith, apostasy, Mormon theocracy,
golden plates, April 6th, Martin Harris.
treasure dig'n, Word O' Wisdom, Kirtland Bank, Celestial Kingdom,
Hill Cumorah, Gadianton Robbers scare us.
Apostates, urim thummum, rameumptom,
Brigham, "The wives and I", hie to Kolob in the sky.
Heber Kimball, polygamy, "tar and feather me!"
Fanny Alger, Emma Smith, wrong woman Joe was with.

chorus

We caught a hold the fire
Our bosoms barely burning
The truth we're now a learn'n
Joe Smith was a liar.
No we do not like it,
That's why we try to fight it.

2nd Verse

Larry King, doctinal whim, Gordy and Elohim
Cleon Skousen, John Bircher, Ezra Taft.
Spencer Kimball, homophobe, Mark Petersen,
Endure to the end, 12 apostle priestcraft.
Johnny Miller, Paul H Dunn, Steven Young's number one,
Gordon Hinckley, temple plan, Gladys Knight, Disneyland.
Seagulls, cricket pest, Nauvoo, Far West,
Mummies, kinderhookie, Joseph get's all the nookie.

chorus

Mainstreet, ACLU, Provo, YBU,
Handcarts, this is the place, Jake Garn lost in space.
Lorenzo, manifesto, polygamists off to Mexico,
Fawn Brodie, Mountain Meadow, shut up says David O'.
Baptize dead, tithing pay, Internet leads exmo's away,
Legacy, temple square, tour guide Zombie stare.
Blacks okay, next G.A., ain't no way,
Bruce McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Exmos mock him.

chorus

George P Lee, veneration, Lamanite Generation,
Pioneers, gold rush, real inspiration.
So called intellectuals, feminist or gay,
Sunstone, Packer, he always gets his way.
Republicans, Primary pennies, Days O' 47,
Utah Mo's, Vote their way, or don't get into heaven.

chorus

Lion House, Eagle Gate, Danites decide your fate,
Visit Teach, Jell-O, converts never show.
Donny Osmond sells out Adam-ondi-Ahman,
Mormons in Palestine, party time, where's the wine,
Ten percent, get a recommend, temple endowment.
Don't swear, day and night wear that funny underwear,
Never self stimulate, sixteen before you date,
This church is a chore, I can't take it anymore

chorus

We lighted the exmo fire
The Mo's got it wrong
Bosoms won't burn on, and on, and on, and on...

Ex-Mo Smith

(Tune: "'Officer Krupke' from Leonard Bernstein's West Side Story," created by elee - 07/03/2003

Ex-Mo Smith (spoken)
(imitating Bishop Dumke)
Hey, you!

Ex-Mo Young(spoken) Me, Bishop Dumke??

Ex-Mo Smith (spoken)
(as Dum ke) Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason
For not draggin’ you down to the
Stakehouse, ya punk.

Ex-Mo Young(sings)
Dear kindly Bishop Dumke,
Ya gotta understand--
It’s just our bringin’ upke
That gets us outta hand.
Our mothers all church junkies,
Our fathers hooked on dunks.
Golly Moses -- natcherly we’re punks.

ALL
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke, we’re very upset;
We never had the truth that every
Child oughta get.
We ain’t no delinquents,
We’re misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

Ex-Mo Young
There is good!

ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is ex-mo good.
Like inside, the worst of us is good.

Ex-Mo Smith (imitating Dumke)
That’s a touchin’ good story.

Ex-Mo Young
Lemme tell it to the world!

Ex-Mo Smith (imitating Dumke)
Just tell it to the SP.

Ex-Mo Young (**to ex-mo Jensen)
Dear kindly Mr. SP,
My parents treat me bad.
With all their stupid callings,
It’s like I have no dad.
They had me way too early,
And then they had 8 more!
Leapin’ lizards --that’s what I’m so sore!

Ex-Mo Jensen (imitating a Judge in Zion)
Right!
Dear Bishop Dumke, you’re really a square;
This boy don’t need the Pres, he
Needs an analyst’s care!
It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed--
**He’s psychologically disturbed!

Ex-Mo Young
I’m disturbed!

ALL
We’re disturbed, we’re disturbed,
We’re the most disturbed,
Like we’re psychologically disturbed.

Ex-Mo Jensen (still acting part of Judge in Zion)(spoken)
Hear ye, Hear ye! In the opinion
Of this court, this ex-mo is
Depraved on account he ain’t had a normal home.

Ex-Mo Young (spoken)
Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived!

Ex-Mo Jensen (as judge - spoken)
So take him to a headshrinker.

Ex-Mo Young (to ex-mo Christensen)(sings)
My Daddy is the bishop,
My Mommy RS Pres,
My Grandpa was a po-lyg,
My Grandma one of ten.
My sister loves her garmies,
My brother hates my guts!
Goodness Gracious, that’s why I’m so nuts!

Ex-Mo Christensen (as psychiatrist)
Yes!
Dear Bishop Dumke, this ex-mo’s deep in the lurch.
This boy don’t need a couch,
He needs to come back to church!
The world has seduced him, a terrible trick,
And sociologically he’s sick!

Ex-Mo Young
I am sick!

ALL
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick
Like we’re sociologically sick!

Ex-Mo Christensen (speaks as psychiatrist)
In my opinion, this ex-mo does not need
To have his head shrunk at all.
Ex-mormonism is purely a
Social disease.

Ex-Mo Young (spoken)
Hey, I got a social disease!

Ex-Mo Christensen (spoken as psychiatrist)
So take him to LDS Social Services!

Ex-Mo Young (to ex-mo Kimball)(sings)
Dear kindly social worker,
They tell me stay in church,
And be a good team player,
Just pay and collect perks.
It’s not I’m anti-Mormon,
I’m only anti-church.
Gloryotsky, that’s why I’m a jerk!

Ex-Mo Kimball (as social worker)
Eek!
Dear Bishop Dumke, you’ve done it again.
This boy don’t need to stay, he needs
Excommunication!
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he’s no good!

Ex-Mo Young
I’m no good!

ALL
We’re no good, we’re no good,
We’re no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

Ex-Mo Jensen
The trouble is he’s lazy!

Ex-Mo Snow
The trouble is he drinks!

Ex-Mo Nibley
The trouble is he’s crazy!

Ex-Mo Kimball
The trouble is he thinks!

Ex-Mo Eccles
The trouble is he’s growing!

Ex-Mo Christensen
The trouble is he’s grown!

ALL
Dumke, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke,
We’re down on our knees.
‘Cause no one likes a fella with
the ex-mo “disease”.
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke,
What are we to do?
Gee, dear Bishop Dumke --
Dum you!

Fillin' the Hive

(Tune: "Stayin' Alive" by the BeeGees - created by Strat Mutt)

Well you can tell by the way I wear my suit
I’m a Mormon man with Utah roots
You have seen us 'round before
Out on the street or at your door
But please don't laugh or run away
Or question anything we say
You don't need to understand
To follow our eternal plan

Whether you're a mother or whether you're a brother
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Yeah we're always rushin' to teach you a discussion
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve

Oh yes I'm lookin' sharp, I'm lookin' neat
I was fed on milk instead of meat
Fresh out of the MTC
There's nothing you can say to me
I've got Mormon's book, the Bible too
And Indians who once were Jews
A finger full of priesthood power
I'll convert you in an hour

Bring your son and daughter, we'll dip 'em in the water
We're filling the hive, fillin' the hive
Everybody's praying and everybody's paying
We're fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hive, fillin' the hive
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fillin' the hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve

The First Joe-ël [tune: The First Noël]

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

The first Joe-ël, Moroni did say,
Was to that loser Joe Smith family as they lay;
In fields and barnyards where they did sleep
Off a hard winter drunk that was so deep.
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

They looked up and saw a star
Shining over Cumorah beyond them far;
And to the drunks it gave forth light:
Salamander, angels, Jesus, God — right!
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

And by the light of gold plates thar
Three witlesses signed up to praise that star;
To seek for free dough was their intent,
And follow this shyster wherever he went!
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

Follow the Pervert

(Tune: Primary song "Follow the Prophet" created by Gail)

Historical note: Fanny Alger was 14 and Joseph Smith Jr was in his 30's.

Chorus

Follow the pervert, follow the pervert
Joey liked bedding teen girls
Just like Warren Jeffs...
Follow the Pervert, Follow the Pervert
For mormons there is safety:
Wards do no background checks!

Brigham was a prophet,
He did follow Joseph
54 wives (officially) he did posess
Brigham killed those who did not obey him
At Mountain Meadows he was a terrorist

(repeat Chorus)

John Taylor was a prophet,
He followed Brother Brigham
Faithful to polygamy he was through his life
He went into hiding to stay plural married
After the feds pursued him Mr Taylor died?

(Chorus)

Wilford Woodruff was a prophet
Had a well timed "revelation"
Plural marriage was now to be decried
He quietly allowed plural marriage to continue
And kept his own set of wives
To keep Morg land and money, Wilford he did lie

(Chorus)


Today there is a prophet
A man who is full of lies
Despite Official Declarations
Polygamy still survives

Follow the Prophet

(Tune: Primary song "Follow the Prophet" created by Buffalo Bill Shakespeare)

1.
Joseph was a prophet--everyone knows that!
Joseph wrote a book by staring in his hat
People say that Joe was quite the horny dude
No one knows for sure how many chicks he screwed

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't be afraid
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he gets laid!

2.
Brigham was a prophet with a funky beard
He said God was Adam--that was pretty weird
When some nasty gentiles entered his domain
Brigham sent his men to see that they were slain

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't ask me why
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, follow or die!

3.
John was a prophet, wounded in Carthage jail
Growing sugar beets for sugar, he did fail
Cannonizing the Pearl of Great Price papyri
Was his "strike out" number three.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's such a wise guy
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
What's he up to now, on Kolob in the sky?

4.
Wilford was a prophet, ran off to Mexico
Got real homesick, so wrote "The Manifesto"
To get those Federal troops off his ass
For hitting on each and every lovely lass.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's so sly
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Cuzz he's such a self-serving guy.

5.
Lorenzo was a prophet, to the church deep in debt
So he prayed, but the Lord made him sweat
'Til that revelation to him finally came
"You fool, it's obvious, tithing's the game."

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's just another "fundy"
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Down to Zion's Bank with all of the money.

6.
Joseph F. was a prophet, in congress he tesified
'bout the practice of polygamy through his teeth he lied
"The Redemption of the Dead" was his vision
Now section 138 by nepotism's decision.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's a real dreamer,
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Making each of his seven wives a screamer

7.
Heber was a prophet, suffering from severe depression
His nervous breakdown, caused by the great recession
In spite of it all he was able to take care
of thousands by starting Church Welfare.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's as nervous as hell,
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Sanatorium's what makes a prophet well.

8.
George Albert was a prophet, a life long Boy Scout
Whose lobbying efforts showed some clout
His lupus left him rather sickly and frail,
So doc prescribed a daily shot of the ale.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's not tender foot,
Follow the prophet, he camps in a teepee,
The last of the prophets sporting a goatee

9.
David O was a prophet, a super missionary,
Charging every member to be a mishie wannabee
Who e're thou art, the part well act,
And drive a big bad cadillac

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, white suit a style'n
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Doesn't matter, all that smooze'n still ly'n

10.
Joseph Fielding was a prophet, doctrine's a specialty
Lost his mind living in the church libary
Nixing evolution he re-wrote human history
Blessed by son-in-law, Bruce R. McConkie

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, turn into a nerd
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
"Doctrines of Salvation" was the final word.

11.
Harold B. was a prophet, youngest one in years
Lots of time to turn those "Correlation" gears
But the Lord had other plans for Harold instead
18 months later, poor fellow was struck dead.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, type "A" personality
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Driven to an early grave, his finality.

12.
Spencer was a prophet, Spencer was a seer,
Spencer said that masturbation makes you queer.
Some would call that wisdom, some would call it hate
All that I can say is--I must not be straight!

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't go astray
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he isn't gay!

13.
Ezra was a prophet. He liked Johnny Birch
He was old and sick and couldn't run the church
How the Brethren used him makes we want to heave
If you don't believe me, ask his grandson Steve

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, don't use your head
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's not quite dead!

14.
Howard W was a prophet, didn't last too long
Cuzz Cody Judy scared him nie unto death with a bomb
Howard reigned as prophet all of nine short months
Too bad an old guy only gets to be the prophet once.

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, even if he wobbles
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Lugging your spiritual shackles and hobbles.

15.
Gordy is a prophet, live on Larry King
When he's on the air he doesn't know a thing
"I'm not sure we teach that, I'm not sure we can,
I'm not sure I'd say that God was once a man."

Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, follow with glee
Follow the prophet, follow the prophet,
Follow the prophet, he's on TV!

Foreboding Shrine With Cultist Signs

(Tune: "America The Beautiful” # 338" - created by Enigma - 0/26/2007)

Draconian, six gothic spires
The temple looms o’re all!
Its bleak imposing granite stone
Forms a forbidding wall!
Foreboding shrine
With cultist signs
Your image frightens me!
Feigned holiness
In such excess
It makes me want to scream!

Your patrons though all dressed in white
Hold secrets dark as night.
They’ve pledged that their blood shall be spilt
Should they disclose your rites.
Foreboding shrine
With cultist signs
Strict secrecy’s your creed!
With mortal fear
Your patrons fill
For all eternity!

We now know of your secret rites
Your ways we think them queer.
The miracle of Internet
Has saved us all from fear!
Foreboding shrine
With cultist signs
Your secret’s known to all!
Your ceremonies
Are grotesque
Your veil of myst’ry’s gone!

For the Strength of the Pills, We Thank Thee

(Tune: "For The Strength of the Hills #35" - created by Quevedo - 07/23/2001 - Dedicated to Utah's #1 ranking in Prozac usage )

For the strength of the pills we thank thee
Our drug, our doctor's drug
Thou hast made our children many
And they creep across the rug
Thou hast suffered that our toddler
in to his mouth put a bug
For the strength of the pills we bless thee
our drug, our doctor's drug

At the hands of our foul home teacher's
we've borne and suffered long
They have made our guilt enormous
and their word has made us wrong
Amid witless foes outnumbered
in weariness we trudge
For the strength of the pills we bless thee
our drug, our doctor's drug

Thou hast blessed us here with Prozac
upon the chapel stand
And although it may make us happy
we are sure in bed to land
For it revs up our libido,
what's one more little thug?
For the strength of the pills we bless thee
our drug, our doctor's drug

We are bringers of the bacon,
for the hordes that we must fry
We are guardians of the minnions
who kick and scream and cry
As we rock to soothe the outrage,
stick in their mouths a plug
For the strength of the pills we bless thee,
our drug, our doctor's drug

Garments Are A Guy's Best Friend

(Tune: ""Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend", with apologies to Marilyn Monroe" by Shakjula - 03/08/2003

A gun or a knife can be quite instrumental,
But Garments are a guy's best friend.
It's true that I know Green Beret fundamentals,
Still Garments are a guy's best friend.

Detroit makes new cars with both front and side air bags,
Lo! Garments are a guy's best friend.
The gym rats laugh 'n scoff at the way my crotch sags
But I'll win the game,
Cuz I'm immune to flame -- and other hazards.
So let the bombs drop,
They'll even make shrapnel stop.
Garments are a guy's best friend.

[manly dance sequence here]

Garmies!
Beehive Industries!
Protective!

Though Kevlar is bold, and steel is cold
They'll never save your soul in the end.
Whether poly-blend or tall-cut
These skivvies will save your butt
Garments are a guy's best friend!

Garment Party

(Tune: "Garden Party - inspired by Rick's experience at a Madison Square Garden concert" by cricket - 07/19/2002

I went to a garment party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to bare our bosoms and wear our thongs again
When I got to the garment party, I shared my temple new name
No one affirmed me, I didn't play their game.

CHORUS
But it's all right now, I burned my bosom well.
You see, ya can't please a holy one, so ya got to tease youself.

People came from wards around, everyone was square
Yoko brought her scriptures, there was boredom in the air.
'n' over in the corner, much to my surprise
Sister Hughes danced in temple shoes daring "all arise."

CHORUS
pay lay ale, that's the last straw

Sang them all the old hymns, parodies without the shame.
Bishop heard the music, he scolded us the same
Said hell no to "Sheri Dew", she's to far gone for me
When I sang a song about a Lamanite, it was time to leave

CHORUS
lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped Gordon Hinckley
Playing prophet "you will go to hell" and lookin' like he would
If you gotta play at garment parties, I wish you a lotta luck
Tie died garments rule, the one piecers really suck.

CHORUS
lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah

'n' it's all right now, burned my bosom well
You see, ya can't please a holy one, so you got to please yourself

The Garmie Rub

(tune: "Ma, He's Making Eyes at Me" - an oldy from the 40's) - 01/06/2007 by kg68

Hey, the Bish is being nice to me,
Hey, he's been awatchin' me
He's beside me,
Mercy! Let my conscience guide me.

Hey, he wants to fondle me,
Seein' if I'm garment free,
Every moment he gets bolder,
Now his hand's upon my shoulder,
Yikes! He's rubbin' me.

Hey, he's being nice to me,
Searchin' garmies, furtively
Keep that up, he'll meet resistance,
Hope he doesn't call assistance,
Yikes! He's checkin' me!

Get Flack

(Tune: "Get Back by The Beatles" created by cricket - 12/01/2002

Jo Jo was a prophet who got a huge boner
But he knew it wouldn't last.
Jo Jo married Emma, didn't want to own her
Starting chasin' Fanny's ass.

Get flack, get flack
Get flack from those you've wronged.
Get sacked, get sacked
Get sacked by those you've donged.
Get lax Jo Jo, Go home
Get tact, get tact.
Tact, you missed it all along.
Get back, get back.
Back to where you once were belonged.
Get back Jo.

Sweet Joe Smith got one too many women
More than ordinary men.
All the girls 'round were tired of him cummin'
But Mason's got him in the end.

Get smacked, get smacked
Get smacked for sniff'n thong.
Get racked, get racked
Get racked by those you've wronged.
Make tracks Jo Jo, Go home.
Get back, get back.
Back to where you once were bonged.
Get back, get back.
Back to where you once were belonged.
Get back Jo.

Your mother's wait'n for you
Swear'n at you for screw'n.
And caus'n such a show
Get on home Jo Jo

Get smacked, get smacked,
Get smacked for all that sniff'n thong.

Garmy, Garmy

(Tune: "Mony, Mony by Billy Idol" - created by Billy Idolater - 01/07/2007

Here she comes now sayin' Garmy, Garmy
Feels me up, feels me down come on garmies
Says she'll give me love, gotta be an RM
Come on now and let me see those garm lines
Then I'll feel all right, yeah I'll feel all right
I said yeah,(yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

'Cause garms make her feel
So good, so good, so good
so right, so right
Loves those lines, so she feels all night
I said yeah,(yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

She loves those garmy gar-gar-garmies
She loves those garmy gar-gar-garmies (Sure I do!)
She loves those garmy gar-gar-garmies (Sure I do!)...

Girlfriend - by Joseph Smith, Jr.

(Tune: "Girlfriend" by July for Kings - and more recently Bob Guiney - created by Tragic Mind - 05/16/2004

Room 421
In a Nauvoo hotel
Kimball brought his daughter
But it's too soon to tell.
If I like her tomatoes, I'll seal her tomorrow
I hope that I will.

No place in my home
For a thirty-fourth wife... but I'll make room
It's a hot summer night, and I'm doing all right
We'll have an orgy or two.

Can I get some wife service please
I'm down on my knees
There are a few things I need

Could you just bring me more girlfriends
And a bottle of wine
Tell it to Emma
I think she'll be fine
Well I've got my own army
I'm the King of Nauvoo
Did you know that Pocahontas
Was actually a Jew?

My old buddy Brigham
Is a hard nut to crack
I've gotta get through to him
Maybe a "commandment"
Will make it okay
To wallow in some sin.

Will you send Porter to me please?
Old Orrin's a tease
But he's good with a gun
And he shoots folks for fun!
He'll bring me more dames
And I'll make the arrangements
For some "close-buttocks games"... for some games... for some games...

Remember to bring me more girlfriends
And a bottle of wine
It's my Word of Wisdom
We've still got some time
I can open a brewery
And sell some more beer
It won't be a commandment
For about fifty more years.

I was talking with the Savior
He gave my shoulder a squeeze
He said, "Joseph, you're my chosen stud
I need you to raise some seed."
Well, Emma wasn't happy
But who gives a crap for her
I'll say she's going to hell
And she'll have to take my word...
She'll just have to take my word!

Bring me more girlfriends
And a bottle of wine
Bring me a future
Full of vacant young minds
That I'll fill with my nonsense
About the plates made of gold
I'll tell you, fooling the faithful
Really never gets old...

(repeat chorus)

The glory of my freedom from the Morg

(Tune: "The battle hymn of the Republic" - 06/11/2006 - created by Webz of the recovery bulletin board)

My mind has seen the glory of my freedom from the Morg;
I am sweeping out the cobwebs where the cons and lies were stored;
I hath loosed the strangling chokehold and its meetings I found bored;
My life is moving on.

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Wish I could say I never knew ya!
Ya took some of my cash, then ya stabbed me in the ass
My life is moving on.

I am saddened when I see my family with mind cramps
They push forward day-by-day trying to support those worthless gramps;
I wish I could have resigned by email and saved some stamps;
My life is moving on.

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Wish I knew the truth a little sooner.
I'll drink me some ale from a schooner.
My life is moving on

God Rest You Merry Brigham Young

(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" created by flattopSF - 12/21/2006

God rest you, merry Brigham Young,
Your doctrines ain't blasé!
Remember, Smith your Savior
Was born on Smithmas Day!
He gave you Salamander Power
And you not far did stray.
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

From some weird Heavenly Planet
A wingless angel flew;
To Joe Smith's attic bedchamber
And told him what to do —
Translate some gold plates in a hill
From Egypto-Hebrew-Who?
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

"Now go forth" said Moroni,
"It's time to take a wife."
To three-score you must marry
Or forfeit your dang life."
So Smith had all the fun he could
And with women he was rife . . .
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

Now to Ol' Joe sing praises,
All you who read this poem:
Give all your dough to Hinckley
And read some Churchly tome:
Or you'll deal with some EQP
From whose mouth curses foam.
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

God Rest Ye Merry Mormons

(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" created by unknown - submitted by Nephihaha - 6/01/2001

God rest ye Merry Mormons
Let nothing you dismay!
Remember that there is no proof
There was a Christmas Day
For Christmas really started as
A pagan holiday.

Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact,
Reason and fact.
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

God Will Damn You For Eternity

(Tune: "God Be With You Till We Meet Again # 152") created by Enigma - 02/04/2009)

God will damn you for eternity
For your most heinous transgression!
You’ve requested resignation;
T’would be better were you ne’er conceived!

[Chorus]

In a brimstone lake
A brimstone lake

You will face your fate
You’ll face your fate

In outer darkness you will pay!
Oh! You’ll pay!

Your integrity
Integrity

And your honesty
And honesty

Are the bane of Mormon liturgy
Are the bane of Mormon liturgy

The bishop and stake president will wait
On your most earnest petition.
30 days procrastination;
While your tithing checks they cashed in haste!

[Repeat Chorus]

Fin’lly you’ve endured enough nonsense;
Now you threaten legal action.
And call church administration,
Lo, Greg Dodge will see to your request.

[Repeat Chorus]

Soon a pamphlet in the mail will come,
With a picture of 3 fossils
Claiming that they’re God’s apostles,
And your soul they’ll save if you’ll recant!

[Repeat Chorus]

Now you’ve fin’lly got your written proof,
That a Mormon you’re no longer!
But still the members come to pester,
Now they’re trying to reconvert you!

[Chorus 5th verse]

You cannot escape
You can’t escape

From their cultish ways
From cultish ways

They will never let you get away!
No escape!

Normal boundaries
Boundaries

And respect it seems
Respect it seems,

Are quite foreign to the Mormon creed!
Are quite foreign to the Mormon creed!

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)...

(Tune: "Golden Years" by David Bowie - created by Stray Mutt - 07/23/2001)

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)

They bought the whole damn story
Even the part about the angel
Come, make up a story
Up in the sky, God and Son
Told me I'm the chosen one
Come, make up a story
I'm the prophet, heed my call
Got the power to save your little soul

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Come, make up a story

Last night I snowed them
Telling tall tales, impossible things, angels
Come, make up a story
Showed them air, had 'em mesmerized
Seeing it with their spiritual eyes
Come, make up a story
I know how to play upon their darkest fears
I can tell them anything they want to hear (silly people)

Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Come, make up a story

Follow my words and you must be strong
God speaks to me so I can't be wrong
In the back of my store, now follow along
Don't cry my sweet, don't break my heart
Do me tonight if you know what's smart
Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day
They believe, oh lord
They believe all the way!

Come, make up a story
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows, it's all smoke and mirrors

I'm the prophet you love so well
Got the power to damn your soul to hell
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)
Come, make up a story
No, you can't see the plates, I gave them to the angel

Come, make up a story
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows, it's all smoke and mirrors

I know how to play upon your darkest fears
I will tell you anything you want you want to hear (find more suckers)
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)...
I will tell you anything you want you want to hear (find more suckers),
Golden plates, gold (ha ha ha)...

Gold Plates, Peep Stones and Little White Lies

(Tune: "Red Lips, Blue Eyes, and Little White Lies" by Costas & Moyer, as recorded by Gary Allen - created by Alex Murphy - 08/12/2003

Gold plates, peep stones and little white lies
You think I`m a fool, don't you
Hey buddy why can`t you tell the truth

Moonmen, and tapirs and dozens of wives
Oh mister the things you put me through
Your little white lies are breaking my heart in two

You come around and tell me that He loves me so
you conveniently skip the undies part and of whose blood must atone
I know who`s waiting for you on the other side of life
I`d be a fool to believe your fables `cause you're checking out my wife

Ox pools, masonic rules, and little white lies
Oh elder why can`t you be true
"The gates of Hell can't prevail" yet you believe that Joe's lie is true, yeah
Sooner or later you're going to face the truth
Little white lies will catch up with you
With nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
And no source of comfort in the sweet bye-and-bye

Red coals, brimstone and little white lies
Hey lady the things Lucifer has in store for you
When your little white lies finally catch up with you
Oh your little white lies are gonna catch up with you
Bubby, your little white lies are gonna catch up with you

Good Mormon Men, Rejoice!

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Good Mormon men, rejoice,
The prophet gives you little choice:
"Beat your wives and kids today,
And don't forget — your tithing pay!"
High priests all must pay the price
Of callings once, and twice, and thrice!
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Good Mormon wives, rejoice,
The home is where you'll find your voice!
Green Jell-O™ and Tuna Plate
Are dishes you must feed your mate;
Wash, and clean: before him bow,
And he will give you children now!
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Good Mormon kids, rejoice,
You're here cuz dad is not pro-choice.
Be baptized and say your prayers,
And never question those upstairs!
Missions are a sacrifice —
Just pray you don't come home with lice.
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Gordon, Gordon, Larry's Calling

(Tune: "Israel, Israel, God is Calling" created by Stray Mutt- 07/15/2001

Gordon, Gordon, Larry's calling
Want's to have you on his show
Lob some softball questions at you
Won't ask things that you don’t know

Go on TV, go on TV
Show the world what prophets are
Go on TV, go on TV
And become a media star

Gordon, Gordon, can you tell us
If your god was once a man
Show us that you stand for something
That you don't speak as a man

"We don't know a lot about that
Don't know if that's what we teach
That's some pretty heavy doctrine
Something that's beyond my reach."

Gordon, Gordon, it's Mike Wallace
Wants to know just what you think
Here's a chance to spread the gospel
And to shill for Mormon, Inc.

"Come to Zion, come to Zion
Bring your cameras and crew
Come to Zion, come to Zion
We will pull the wool o're you."

Gordon Wants Me for a Morgbot

(tune: "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam" 01/24/20-07 - by D. P. Gumby)

Gordon wants Me for a Morgbot,
To work for him each day;
In every way try to serve him,
To slave and slave away.

A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
Gordon wants Me for a Morgbot.
A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
I'll be a Morgbot for him.

Gordon wants Me to pay tithing,
And clean the wardhouse;
So I'll be on my knees scrubbing,
As quiet as a mouse.
v A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
Gordon wants me for a Morgbot.
A Morgbot, a Morgbot,
I'll be a Morgbot for him.

Gordon Wants Me for a Patoot

(tune: "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam" 04/01/2007 - by flattopSF)

Gordon wants me for a patoot
to go and preach for him.
To blow warm smoke up some poop-chute . . .
Krikeys! He must think I'm dim!

A patoot, a poop-chute,
He's tokin' some good stuff in his toot.
The galoot - here's my boot!
I've got some New Names for him!

When I was eight I was baptized
For all my worldly sins.
At twenty-one I was chastized
Cuz I gave up those hymns.

Get baptized, be chastized;
That's such a big load of crap, guised
As "Truth", guys. Hey - I realized
Us "Outs" are as good as you "Ins"!

Now I drink booze if I want to
Cuz I'm a free agent.
Naturally I jerk to porn, too:
Cuz I like my smokestack to vent.

Drink booze - ooh - and porn too!
I've got so much LIVING to do-oo!!
Wearing shorts thru that B. Y. Zoo
Is more fun than the sacrament.<

Hail To The Man Who Use The Name of Jehova

(tune: "Praise To The Man Who Communed With Jehova") - 11/12/2014 - by CA girl

Hail to the man who used
The name of Jehovah
To bed the church types
Again and again
Blessed to open
The bedrooms of many
Charlie Sheen will revere him
Gene Simmons the same.

Chorus

Hail to the man-slut
Who fooled many women
Modern day Mormons
Now praise him in vain
Mingling with lies
They can re-write his history
Death cannot conquer
This player's legend

Praise to his memory
He died in a gunfight
Saving the virtue
Of wives of his friends
Long shall his blood
Which was shed to protect girls
Be praised by Mormons
Again and again

Chorus

Great is his nerve
And endless the lying
Ever and ever
These whoredoms they'll defend
Faithless and sneaky
He'll flee from his kingdom
Brigham will have to
Take over his plan

Chorus

Blind faith will keep them
from looking too closely
But Earth will see right through
The soul of this man
Wake up you Mormons
And see what is in front of you
Millions are hoping that some day you can

Have a merry freakin Smithmas

12/01/2006 - Anubis

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas;
of that TBM's will cheer
I don't know (if we teach that)
every freak'in year.

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas
And when you walk down the street
Say Hello to friends you used to know
and every Ex-TBM you meet.

Ho ho the wind will blow
when Packer is to appear
Somebody waits for you
on FARMS BS you see

Have a holly jolly Smithmas,
and in case you didn't hear,
Oh by golly, have a holly,
jolly Smithmas this year.

Note: I didn't have to change the last verse and yet it sounds like utah....

Have Yourself a Churchy Little Smithmas

(Tune: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006

Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,
Let your thoughts be light.
From now on
Prozac® will make your troubles bright!
Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,
Tithing's due today.
Can't pay bills?
Get down upon your knees and pray!

Pi-o-neers back in olden days
Notch-their-belt-in days of want
Dreamed of Celestial food buffets
While growing more and more gaunt.

Through Eternity we'll be togethern,
If we all obey.
Accept another calling from the Brethern,
And have yourself a churchy little Smithmas Day.

Here comes Joseph Smith for tail

(Tune: "Here Comes Peter Cottontail" created by flattopSF - 03/30/2010)

Here comes Joseph Smith for tail -
Hoppin' down the Nauvoo trail.
Hippity, hoppity, Smithster's on his way!

See him laugh and hear him say:
"I'll be your God one fine day!
Maybe if you're extra good
I'll roll you in the hay... SAY!!!"

Showing every pretty girl
His famous Smithster squirrelly-twirl!
Promising Eternal Bliss today...

He's got jelly beans for Helen
They'll keep that li'l girl from tellin'!
There's an orchid for Ol' Emma,
And some Smithster Garments, too. Oooh!

Here comes Joseph Smith for tail -
Boinkin' down the Nauvoo trail.
Hippity, hoppity, Smithster's on his way!

You'll wake up on Smithster Mornin'
And find out while you was snorin'
That he led your little girl astray.
Unhappy day!

There goes Joseph Smith for tail -
Dancin' down the Nauvoo trail.
Hippity, hoppity, Smithster's on his way!

Here in Old Nauvoo

(Tune: Mungo Jerry's "In the Summertime" created by KimberlyAnn - 01/14/2007)

Here in Old Nauvoo where polygamy’s taught
Whether young or old all the ladies are hot
When the weather’s fine
Joe’s got women, Joe’s got women on his mind
He writes a revelation
And goes out to see who he can find

If her daddy’s rich he’ll take her out for a meal
And soon afterward his plan he’ll reveal
Take her down the lane
Then do her if she’s a teen or fifty-five
When the sun goes down
Joe will make it, make it good in a lay-by

Joe’s a prophet people
He’s a God, he’s a King
And all his lackeys, they do as they please
Better walk the line
Or the wrath of the Danites you will see
Shaggin’ your wife
She’s for takin yeah, that’s Joe’s philosophy

Sing along with him
Dee dee dee-dee dee
Dah dah dah-dah dah
Yeah he’s hor-horny
Pay lay-ale
Dee-dah-do dee dah-do pay-lay-ale
Dah-do dah dah dah
Dah Dah dah pay lay ale

Alright ah
Chh chh-chh UH Chh chh-chh, UH (ad nauseum)

When Ol’ Emma’s gone, yeah it’s party time
Bring your daughter, bring your pretty wife
It’ll soon be sealin’ time
Joe will boink them then
While Emma’s drivin’ or maybe out of town
He’ll write a revelation
Go out and see who he can find

Here On This Church-Owned Plot

(Tune: "High On The Mountain Top" created by Enigma - 3/12/2007)

Here on this church-owned plot,
A mall we will erect!
We’re building monuments
To show our righteousness!
What better way than this
To squander tithing seed?
And show the world we are
Consumed by greed!

Though Jesus truly taught
The kingdom’s in our hearts,
We have no need for rhet’ric
That puts interests at odds.
From concrete, stone and steel,
We’re planning to create
The Mormon equiv’lent of
A Vatican State!

Strict standards we expect
The faithful saints to keep.
Abstain from coffee, alcohol
And vile pornography.
But if the price is right
We’ll gladly welcome all,
Who’ll sell their porn and booze
In our grand mall!

Though charity is good,
We truly must confess
In light of our great land deals
We really could care less.
The prophet of our God,
His legacy we’ll build!
And spread our corporate empire
O’er the world!

Here's To The Man

(Tune: "Praise To The Man" created by Jillian - 5/07/2001

Here's to the man who communed with amphibians;
White salamanders once called him by name.
Lover of magic, he deceived many people.
Lies upon lies, for the man knew no shame.

Chorus:

Here's to the farmboy, who claimed to be prophet
Con artist! Predator! This charlatan so vain!
Charming and clever, he abused those who trusted.
Genius perhaps, but most likely just insane.

Chatted with angels who appeared in his bedroom.
Found golden plates in the top of a hill.
Hat holding peep stones, a curtain for 'privacy'
The fruits of this cruel hoax remain with us still.

(Chorus)

Great his libido and endless his stamina.
His lusts and desires he never tried to quell.
Told trusted friends that the Lord had commanded
Give him their wives or they'd have to go to hell.

(Chorus)

Shocking and frightening, the legacy he left us:
Marriage to young girls. A death squad at his call.
Stole from the Masons, proclaimed it new and sacred.
Just a few examples of how the man had gall.

(Chorus)

Killed by a mob, 'cause he was so obnoxious.
Earth must face up to the lies of that man.
Wake up the world to the conflict of doctrine.
Millions shall know it is all just a scam.

High Above Temple Square

(Tune: "High on the Mountain Top" created by ScipioBear - 7/2000)

High above temple square
The ruthless quorum meets
To control every thought
Of every heart that beats!

Thank God in Deseret
There lives a reasoned band!
Against this tyranny
We take a stand!

For we remember still
Oppression through the years
Blacks, gays, free thinkers, women
And those who drink beer.
 

We'll now go up
And picket Con-fer-ence!
Exposing lies and hate
With Common Sense.

I am a child of Kolob

(Tune: "I am a child of God" created by Elder Berry - 03/30/2010)

I am a child of Kolob,
Yet I needed to be born here,
To get my keywords and signs
To pass sentinels oh so near.

I am a child of Elohim,
And so my knees will shake;
Help me understand his tokens
Before those covenants I make.

I am a child of Adam,
My spirit's body's grand pappy;
If I but yearn to grow his seed
My future coif will never be nappy.

Bleed me, lie to me, talk down to me,
Force me think your way.
Teach me the world's doomed
And help me not be gay.

I am a com-plete fraud

(Tune: "I am a child of God" created by Zoram - 12/18/2004)

I am a com-plete fraud
No neeeed to masturbate
I line up wives like bowling pins
And then we cop-u-late….

Charge me, try me – rectify me
Please don’t make me wait
Marry me – your daughter too
Fourteen is not jailbait…

Hold fast to the iron rod
Your wife - she knows the drill
A rock-star life a prophet leads
And tithing pays the bills…

Sue me, do me – see right through me
Let’s rewrite the facts
Sheep heard better in a group
Unless they’re gay or black…

A microphone to god
Nonsensical Sanskrit
Freemasonry, a bible new
A hypnotic crock of s__t…

Buy it, try it – justify it
Your planet waits for you
Just don’t question what I say
For now your cave will do…

I Am Digging

(Tune: "We Are Sowing" created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

I am digging, nightly digging
In the woods behind my home.
Drawing countless magic circles
In the hopes of finding buried gold!
Treasure digging, though it’s creepy
It’s a way to make a buck!
Conning superstitious farmers
Hey! It beats a hard day’s work!

One fine day whilst I was digging
Not for gold, but for a well.
Bless my soul! I found a peep stone!
Oh what whoppers I’ll now surely tell!
My next victim, Mr. Stowell
Living down in Harmony;
He believes in all this nonsense
And he’ll pay me sight unseen!

Though I never found the treasure,
Now I’ve got a lovely wife.
But her father; what an asshole!
He says I should up and get a life!
He says peep stones are bologna
Honest work breeds honest pay.
I say fine then, no more digging,
I’ll just translate golden plates!

I can't get no testimony

(Tune: "I can't get no satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones created by Perry Noid - 06/10/2003)

I can't get no testimony, I can't get no testimony
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm kneelin' on my knees, and the Bishop's on the phone
He's tellin' me more and more about some Moroni promise
Supposed to fire my imagination

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no testimony, I can't get no testimony
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

Conference is on TV, the Prophet comes on and tell me
How happy I can be
If I pay, pray and obey
And have a testimon-ee

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no testimony, I can't get no testimony
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm in the temple and I'm token this and signin' that
I'm tryin' a secret handshake and I say
Baby, better come back maybe next week
'Cause this makes me feel just like a freak

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say. I can't get no, I can't get no
I can't get no testimony, no testimony
No testimony, no testimony

If I Could Fly To Kolob

by Kokaubeum@webtv.net - 10/06/2000

If I could fly to Kolob, On expedia.com I would be,
Booking full fare first class tickets, That's one place I'm dying to see.
But alas, no one will tell me, where this star of God is found,
So I'll search the Kokaubeum maps, For to Kolob I am bound.

There is no end to madness, or to scams of pie in the sky,
But somehow I know there's a Kolob, If only I could hie yon or fly... P>

"If I Only Had a Brain" - LDS Lyrics

11/23/2002 by EnochIpsen

I could stay in bed on Sunday and watch football on Monday
And maybe have a beer.
But a Mormon I'll be staying
Even though my faith is swaying
'Cause I haven't got a brain.

I'd give myself a big raise (wow! 10 percent and Sundays)
And still do what is right.
With the money I'd be saving
I might be misbehaving
But at least I'd have a brain.

Oh, I could tell you why Lamanites are not Jewish
But I know they'll all become white-ish
'Cause I was told that by the Bish!

I would not be just a dumb sheep, my common sense put to sleep
But that seems such a strain.
I would rather not understand and to keep my head in the sand
Than to try to use my brain.

If you could get committed

(Tune: "If you could hie to Kolob," created by Hero3D - 01/15/2006

If you could get committed
and make all reas'nable haste
to meet the newfound prophet
then there is no time to waste!
Bedlam is ancient hist'ry.
But never does that mean
that we cannot find the loonies
in our Salt Lake Valley scene.

In the halls of the looney bin
the elected prophet sounds.
He cusses out the nurses
as they make their scheduled rounds.
He refuses doctors' treatment
claiming it is the Devil's tool.
He knows of world corruption
to make him seem a fool.

He claims he's the returning
of prophet Joseph's fame.
And that he is deserving
of world-wide church acclaim.
The fundamental problem
with this lunatic's proclaim
is that there are many hopeful
who proudly think the same.

He claims he is Elijah.
He claims he is John, too.
He claims that he is Abram.
He claims he's Adam, too.
He claims to be Ezekiel.
He claims to be Nephi.
He claims to be Moroni.
He claims he's Abinidai.

He claims that he is prophecied
as the great One Mighty and Strong.
He claims he is comissioned
to bring the church along.
He claims that he's enlisted
as a captain of Jesus' host.
He claims his words are truthful
for he is the Holy Ghost.

If you could hie to Salt Lake

(Tune: "If you could hie to Kolob," created by conformist - 07/03/2003

If you could hie to Salt Lake and browse through vaults of files
And read the things they've hidden behind their cheerful smiles,
Do you think that you could ever, through all Eternity,
Condone the mass concealment of real church history?

True freedom requires knowledge of facts both pro and con;
Control is had by hiding selective things from us.
The spirit's all that matters, they tell us with a wink,
There is no need to look at the evidence or think

In fact those who might wonder how feeling tingles proves
That fifteen men in Salt Lake can rule our every move
Are sinners of the worst sort and not fit for the Lord;
Their quest for truth deprives them of god's divine reward.

Does faith means not to wonder or ponder what is true?
"Trust us and go to heaven," the brethren say to you,
But what if they are blinded by self-deception too?
How would we ever find out, except to look for clues?

There is no end to preaching
There is no end to lies
There is no end to curtains
There is no end to guise

There is no end to pushing
There is no end to larks
There is no end to seeking
There is no end to dark

There is no end to faking
There is no end to claims
There is no end to judging
There is no end to shame

There is no end to wanting
There is no end to tears
There is no end to blindness
There is no end to fear

There is no end to meetings
There is no end to tithes
There is no end to teaching
That we'll have many wives

There is no end to boasting
There is no end to smiles
There is no end to wond'ring
There is no end to wiles

There is no end to missions
There is no end to haste
There is no end to new rules
There is no end to waste

If You Wannabe An Elder

(Tune: Spice Girls "Wannabe" by Steve Nunez - Squibb@juno.com - 8/2000

It's for the future,
Forget the past,
Going on a mission now,
I wanna make it last,
Now I'm not wastin,
My precious time,
got my act together,
and Ill be just fine.

Yo, Don't tell me where to teach,
If I'm goin' out to preach,
Yo, Don't tell me where to tract,
If I'm goin' out to tract,
I'm asking when,
I'm asking where,
I'm asking why,
I'm asking how,
I wanna really really really,
wanna proselyte now!

If you Wannabe an Elder,
You gotta give a bible away,
Helping one another,
Its what they do each day.
If you wannabe an Elder,
Give out Book of Mormons too,
Baptizing forever,
That's what they like to do,

Now watcha think about that?
Now you know how they feel,
Yes, they can handle two years,
Yes, they're for real,
Now I'm not hasty,
I thought it over some time,
2 years to the Lord,
Is worth a million of mine.

Yo, Don't tell me where to teach,
If I'm goin' out to preach,
Yo, Don't tell me where to tract,
If I'm goin' out to tract,
I'm asking when,
I'm asking where,
I'm asking why,
I'm asking how,
I wanna really really really,
wanna proselyte now!

If you Wannabe an Elder,
You gotta give a bible away,
Helping one another,
Its what they do each day.
If you wannabe an Elder,
Give out Book of Mormons too,
Baptizing forever,
That's what they like to do,

Here's the story from D+C 4,
You better open up your ears,
Cause you're gonna hear some more,
You have a sickle to thrust,
in a field with all your might,
Have faith, hope, and love,
and stay in Gods Light,
remember patience, charity,
and kindness all the time,
Diligence and knowledge,
follow that same line,
Follow the commandments,
follow all the time,
follow the commandments,
I'm sure you will be fine.

If you Wannabe an Elder,
You gotta give a bible away,
Helping one another,
Its what they do each day.
If you wannabe an Elder,
Give out Book of Mormons too,
To be the best kind of Elder,
God's light begins in you,

If you wannabe an Elder,
You gotta,
You gotta,
You gotta,
You gotta,
You gotta love, share, give, teach,
Follow the commandments,
Follow all the time,
Follow the commandments,
I'm sure you will be fine.
hup hup hup hup

Follow the commandments
follow all the time,
If you follow the commandments,
Why wouldn't you be fine?

If you wannabe an Elder, Elder, Elder.(fade)

"I Know That Gordon Hinkley Lies"

To the tune of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" - created by Stray Mutt 03/30/2002

I know that Gordon Hinkley lies
With help from all his PR guys
He lies by telling half the truth
He lies when speaking to the youth
He lies to hide the things he knows
He lies and testimonies grow
He lies to keep the saints in place
He lies, he lies right to your face

He lies when talking to the press
He lies about the Olympic mess
He lies and people think it’s real
He lies about church business deals
He lies and thinks it’s for the best
He lies much better than the rest
He lies with answers clear as mud
He lies because it’s in his blood

He lies by day and he lies by night
He lies by spinning wrong and right
He lies by burying the facts
He lies by covering the tracks
He lies and thinks that's what we want
He lies, but lies come back to haunt
He lies and says he speaks for God
He lies and we know he’s a fraud

I like to be at BYU - West Valley Story

(Tune: "America from Leonard Bernstein's 'West Side Story,'" created by Stray Mutt - 07/03/2003

ALL:
I like to be at the BYU!
O.K. by me at the BYU!
I am so free at the BYU!
So they tell me at the BYU!

JENNIFER:
I like to go to the Lord’s school

ASHLEIGH:
I go to Yale ‘cause I’m no fool

JENNIFER:
Everyone’s Mormon in Provo

ASHLEIGH:
That’s one good reason to not go

ALL:
Faithful saints go to the BYU
Bring all their clothes to the BYU
You can’t wear those at the BYU
No knees can show at the BYU

JENNIFER:
No flesh is showing, I dress right
ASHLEIGH:
Yeah, but your blouses are skin tight

JENNIFER:
I set a modest example
ASHLEIGH:
You offer guys a free sample

ALL:
I go to class at the BYU
Lectures en mass at the BYU
I hope to pass at the BYU
Kissing some ass at the BYU

JENNIFER:
I’ll work hard to get my degree

ASHLEIGH:
You’ll drop out first, just wait and see

JENNIFER:
I’ll have a glamorous career

ASHLEIGH:
You’ll have six children in five years

ALL
I’ll find a man at the BYU
I’ll hold his hand at the BYU
He’ll understand at the BYU
Why sex is banned at the BYU

JENNIFER:
I'll live a pure and a chaste life

ASHLEIGH:
You’ll make some RM a great wife

JENNIFER:
He’ll have the priesthood; it’s so neat

ASHLEIGH:
You’ll give him head in the back seat

ALL:
I like to be at the BYU!
O.K. by me at the BYU!
I am so free at the BYU!
So they tell me at the BYU!

I'll be Home for Smithmas

12/01/2006 - Grape Nephi

I'll be home for Smithmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and green Jell-O
for your RM just me

Smithmas Eve will find me
Home Teaching Brother Gleams
I'll be home for Smithmas
If only in my dreams

I'll Be White By Smithmas (as sung by The S.W. Kimball Lamanite Choir)

(Tune: "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006

I'll be white by Smithmas
You'll see pale-skinned me.
White like Smith, and Young, and Snow;
Transformed genetic'ly!

Smithmas Eve you'll see my
pasty-faced smile beam;
Southerton's D.N.A.
Is really just a dream!

I looked in the mirror

(Tune: "Popcorn popping on the apricot tree" by soothseeker - 06/11/2004

I looked in the mirror and what did I see?
A big ol' hypocrite that was in-fact me.
Thinking's brought me such a nice surprise.
I have finally come to open my eyes.
You can have your life back if you retreat.
I'm free at last and it's oh so sweet!
It wasn't really so, but it seemed to me. . .
The church was true and I was really happy.

I Love This Board

(Tune: "I love this..." by PhilosopherExMo

We got mormons; we got apostates;
Even heathens and prostrates.
An' we got trolls; we got lurkers;
An' we got dead GA relations.
And the hits just keep piling up like mormon lies:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this board.

We got nevermos; we got catholics;
Jack Mormons and RM's.
An' we got whiners; we got fighters;
Early birds and all nighters.
And the old ones talk about their temple oaths:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this board.

I love this board,
It's my kind of place.
Just surfin' in through the index,
Puts a big smily on my face.
It ain't too hard; so leave the Morg.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this board.

I've seen short topics; we've had some long ones;
We've all seen moderatation;
An' we've had flamers; WHO LIKE TO SHOUT;
I've even heard some people pout.
And we like to joke about lime jello too:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this board, yes I do!

I like my time, (I like my time),
An' I like having all my money, (I like having all my money),
I like to think what I want;
I like to do as I wish:

But I love this board,
It's my kind of place.
Just posting day and night,
Puts a smily on my face.
No cover charge is easy to afford.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this board.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I just love this ol' board.

Imagine There's No CK

(Tune: Imagine by John Lennon created by brainbutter - 2/2000)

Imagine there's no CK,
kolob is a lie.
no outer darkness,
above us only sky

imagine all the mormons
living for today....

imagine there's no temples
it isn't hard to do
no signs or tokens
and no green apron, too

imagine all the mormons,
with eyes wide open,

you-ooooo-o-o-o, you may say I'm apostate
but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
and the world would be more fun.

Imagine no confession
in the temple interview.
no need for tithing or garments
to follow hev'nly father's plan

Imagine all the mormons
with eyes wide open

you-oooo-o-o-o, you may say I'm apostate
but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us,
and the world would be more fun.

I'm Dreaming of a White and Delightsome Christmas

(Tune: "'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas'" by Primus - 12/23/2006

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas
Just like the ones Young used to know
Where the Girls Tops glisten,
and children Hasten
To hear Lorenzo Snow

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas
With every Church talk that I write
May your days have Helen Marr Kimball, she’s ripe!
And Mary, Yolanda, Christine, they’re tight.

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas
With every Vision that I sight
May your Gays drop dead tonight!
And may all your Smithmases Delight

I'm Proud To Be An ExMormon

(Tune: I'm Proud To Be An American by brainbutter 06/09/2001)

I'm proud to be an ex-mormon,
where at least I know I'm free
from polygamy, relief society, and doctored history.
And I'll never stand up,

with my arm to the sqare and my hand in cupping shape.
Cause there ain't no doubt,
I left that crowd!
God bless the apostate!

Chrous:

I'm proud to be an exmormon (verses by cricket)
Now I've rejoined the human race,
Rather than hie unto Kolob, so "far out" in space,
And I'll forever refrain,

From secret handshakes and a gnarly new name
Cause that hosanna shout
Has left no doubt!
All lies truth will tame.

Chorus:

From the Great Lake that smells like Salt (verses by afraid of the boogie brethren)
to the falls of Bridal Veils
Across the plains of Nauvoo
to the blood at Kirtland Jail..

From Salt Lake down to Manti
and New York to LA
Well there's pride in every Ex-Mormon heart
and ITS TIME WE STAND AND SAY.........

Chorus:

I tried to be a mormon (verses by redpill)
Just lost my mind no doubt
Wanted to please God, and make him real proud
But I finally woke up

And smelled the coffee, and had a Corona Lite
Said goodbye God
And on my own
I will handle this fight!

Chorus:

I'm a Believer

Tune: original by the Monkees - 09/28/2001 - created by Jim Ashurst

I thought church was more or less a fairy tale
then for someone else and not for me.
Well Joe was out to get me.
Took me to his side.
Said he had something on his mind.
Then I saw the plates.
Now I'm a believer.
Yeah I saw those plates.
No doubt in my mind.
When I saw those plates
now I'm a believer, couldn't leave 'er if I tried.
(nifty guitar riff and organ and so on.) The setting: Fanny Alger and all of the young women who Joseph Smith hit on gather along the banks of the Mississippi River at Nauvoo, Illinois to bath. Fanny leads them into a raucous and spontaneous "Oscar winning" rendition of this now famous tune.

Imagine

(Tune: "Imagine" with apologies to John Lennon - 05/16/2004 - anonumous)

Imagine there's no Mormons
It's easy if you try
No stupid beliefs
Like Kolob in the sky
Imagine all the Mormons
Thinking for themselves

Imagine there's no doctrine
It isn't hard to do
No make-believe priesthood
Or wards and temples too
Imagine Mormon children
Not being brainwashed

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And Utah will be more fun

I'm gonna wash Joe Smith right outta my hair

(Tune: "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" with apologies to the musical "South Pacific" 10/26/2003 - by cricket)

Fanny:
I'm gonna wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash the prophet right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash that letch right outa my hair,
And bounce him out of the C.K.

I'm gonna kick him right between his legs,

Fanny and Lucinda, Sarah Ann, Eliza, Helen, et.al:
I'm gonna kick him right between his legs,
I'm gonna kick him right between his legs,
And prepare him for judgment day.

Don't try to cover it up

Girls:
Give it up, Give it up!

Fanny:
Wash Joe out, dry him out,

Girls:
Push Joe out, fly him out,

Fanny:
Castrate him and let him go!

Girls:
Yea, sister!

Fanny:
I'm gonna wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash the prophet right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash that letch right outa my hair,
And bounce him out of the C.K.

If the prophet comes on to you,
If in your pants he tries to grope,
Waste no time, make a change,
Ride that man right off your range.
Rub him out of the Nauvoo Legion
Tell Emma, no more no nookie for him.

Girls:
Oho! If you laugh at Ol' Joe's antics,
If you root for a different prophet,
Waste no time, weep no more,
Show him what the door is for.
Rub him out of the Nauvoo Legion
Tell Emma, No more nookie for him..

Fanny:
You can't light a fire when the woods are wet,

Girls:
No!

Fanny:
You can't make a fallen prophet strong,

Girls:
Hmm, hmm!

Fanny:
You can't fix an egg when it ain't quite good,

Girls:
And you can't fix a prophet with a wayward dong!

Fanny:
You can't put back a petal when it falls from a flower,
Or sweeten up the prophet when he's abuse'n sexual power.

Girls:
Oh no! Oh no!

Fanny and Girls:
If his eyes get horney and lusty,
When you look for glints and gleams,
Waste no time,
Make him twitch,
Drop him in the nearest ditch!
Rub him out of the Nauvoo Legion,
Tell Emma, No more nookie for him.
Oho! Oho!

Fanny:
I went to wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
I went to wash the prophet right outa my hair,
I went to wash that letch right outa my hair,
No way he's goin' to the CK.

Girls:
She went to wash Joe Smith right outa my hair,
She went to wash the prophet right outa my hair,
She went to wash that letch right outa my hair,

Fanny and Girls:
And bounce him out of the CK!

I'm So Lonesome Fer Kolob I Could Die Or The Sad Tale of Elder Dufuss, a Failed Country and Western Mishie

(Tune: any Country and Western Song by Jerry the Aspousestate 5/2000)

Last night I got nekked, threw my garments off.
I looked down and knowed I shouldn't jerk off.
I put my garmies on and started ta cry.
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

My Mission wuz a failure; my quotas wuzn't met.
I ain't found a virgin fer my first wife yet.
The vet done told me my dog's gonna die.
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

Ever gal in Utah wants a BYU lad.
Ma's broken-hearted and wants grandkids bad.
I'll never git a piece'a mormon pie.
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

My pick-up truck fell over and then up and died.
My tithin's so low the ward's fit to be tied.
I hope it gits better in the by and by.
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

On Fast Sunday I started ta faint,
Bishop material I know I shore ain't.
I been a prayin' and a wonderin' why.
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

In a dish of green Jello I bit a dead boll weevil.
I'm beginnin' ta wonder if I was born evil.
In the pre-existence did I kill a fly?
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

My temple recommend up and expired,
Cause I confessed that I'm sick and tired.
I keep a sayin' Heavenly Father, why?
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

Some will like it if my blood I atone.
I'll take a lower Kingdom and jest go home.
I know it's wrong but I'll jest say goodbye.
I'm so lonesome fer Kolob I could die.

I'm your Turbo TBM Mother

(Tune: "I'm your turbo lover" by Judas Priest) - 02/16/2010 created by Elder Berry

You will hear from me, you'll feel for me
Without warning, I see you yawning, listen.
Then with my testimony burning,
You'll know my breast is yearning
How your heart beats, when you run for cover
You can't retreat, I spy like no other.

We'll be together. Together forever.
Wrapped in spirit-power, dying to eternity
Channeling fear I pull you tighter to me.

I'm your TBM Mother.
Tell me I'm your brother.
I'm your TBM Mother.
Better run for cover.

I hold each belief tighter, as Holy Ghost I'm hearing
And testimony gushing out, with every fiber screaming
I talk so fast it shows that to Kolob I could hie
Love machination in calamity, I'm nearing the time to cry.

I'm your TBM Mother.
Tell me I'm your brother.
I'm your TBM Mother.
Better run for cover.

On and on I'm charging to the place Mormons seek
In perfect testimony of which so many speak
I feel so close to heaven with this raging guilt load
And then in sheer admonishment, I shatter and explode.

In Adam-Ondi-Ahman Fanny by Iron Rod Butterfly

(Tune: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly" - 03/09/2005 by cricket)

In Adam-Ondi-Ahman Fanny
Don'tcha know that I love you?
In Adam-Ondi-Ahman baby
Don'tcha know polygamy's true?

Oh, won'tcha come with me,
And take my hand?
I command you, come with me
and join this scam.

Please shake my hand...

Through the veil now.
In Adam-Ondi-Ahman Fanny,
Don'tcha know that I own you?
In Adam-Ondi-Ahman baby,
Don'tcha know that nothin's taboo

Oh won'tcha pray with me,
How great I am!
Angels commmand, lay with me,
It's all God's plan.
Please take my hand...

Lord will tell ya.

Two, three, four!

In Adam-Ondi-Ahman Fanny,
Gotchya now I love you.
In Adam-Ondi-Ahman baby,
Spiritual wifery's always true.

Incensed at Templemints?

(Tune: The psychedelic bubble-gum sounds of "Incense and Peppermints", by the Strawberry Alarm Clock") - 07/29/2005 by Connell the Barbarian

Making cents from nonsense, marketing God.
Endowments for mannequins, isn't that odd?
Wealth untold, Jell-O molds
Buzz in your mind.
Incensed at templemints
The odor of crime.

Who cares what means we choose?
Heaven to win, godhood to lose.

Hundreds of endowments, meaningless sounds
Tune out, hole up, don’t you dare look around.
Our image is good. Our image is good, yeah yeah.
Our image is good. Our image is good, yeah yeah yeah yeah

Intellectuals, homosexuals, feminists too.
Killing them for Jesus is the least you can do.
Artless and smartless, nothing is new.
Profits for the Prophet, one point of view.

Who cares what means we choose?
Heaven to win, godhood to lose.

Making cents from nonsense, marketing God.
Endowments for mannequins, isn't that odd?
Wealth untold, Jell-O molds
Buzz in your mind.
Incensed at templemints
The odor of crime.

Who cares what means we choose?
Heaven to win, godhood to lose.

Incensed, Templemints.
Incensed, Templemints.

In Hypocrisy Our Savior

(Tune: "In Humility Our Savior" - 07/06/2001 by Soho Preacher)

In hypocrisy, we linger
Scared to recognize the truth
If we acknowledge that it's a scam
Then how will we control our youth?
Let's pretend that we all believe it
Let's at least all just say that we do
Never again resort to reason
The profit told us that it's true

In Our Lovely Deseret - an ode to Eric's ex-mo Recovery Board

(Tune: In Our Lovely Deseret created by Caroline 5/08/2001)

In our lovely Deseret
it's a sin to surf the net,
WHERE apostates and sinners like to post.
They are evil and they're wrong.
Heed the warning of this song:
If we catch you on that site you'll soon be toast.

(chorus)

Click! click! click!
'Tis Satan's website!
Eric does the devil's work.
Even worse than drinking tea,
It can cause apostasy.
God will smite you if you dare log on and lurk.

In Our Lovely Deseret

(Tune: "In Our Lovely Deseret" created by bombo - 06/26/2004

In our lovely deseret you can smoke a cigarette
While you're drinking beer with Brigham and the boys,
Chew tobacco if you must, Emma cannot make a fuss,
Cause we left her behind in Illinois!
Smoke, smoke, smoke a fat Havana,
Cuba makes the best cigars!
There is nothing quite as fine as a glass of Brigham's wine,
And the happy cheerful faces in his bars.

If you brew the pot too long, then the coffee will be strong
And the morning sun might hurt your sleepy eyes,
But some sugar makes it sweet, its the mornings blessed treat,
If you don't partake my friend I sympathize!
Drink, drink, drink a cup of coffee
Morning coffee is divine,
Drink a cup or drink a pot, drink it cold or drink it hot
It will make your happy cheerful faces shine.

Well we're supposed to eat the wheat, but we eat a lot of meat,
Chicken, beef and even pork is fine,
Well I can hardly wait to get some on my plate
So keep your knife and fork away from mine!
Eat, eat, eat a lot of meat boys
Wash it down with Brigham's wine,
Well we only feed our wheat to the animals we eat
Cause it makes our happy cheerful faces shine.

Well I know the church is true, waa waa waa waa waa boo hoo
You can see me cry each time I testify.
Well, I always cry because
Thats what everybody does
When intellect and reason say goodbye!
Cry, cry, cry your testimony,
Whimper, blubber, sniff and whine
The congregations glassy stare has convinced me that they care
And that makes my happy cheerful face just shine.

Invisible Friends

(Tune: "Invisible Touch" by Genesis - by Stray Mutt - 02/01/2003

Well I've been dating, dating her so long
And thinking nothing, nothing could go wrong
Ooh now I know
She has an altered reality
She sees things that no one sees
And now it seems I'm falling, falling for it

She likes to have invisible friends, yeah
The Holy Ghost to cause a burn in her heart
Can't live without invisible friends, yeah
Jesus and God and angels playing their part

She says there's a prophet, I can't recall his name
His wisdom is terribly thin, his prophecies are lame
It's all a show
He's a person I just can't trust
It's nothing mysterious
And yet it seems I'm falling, falling for it

She likes to have invisible friends, yeah
The Holy Ghost to cause a burn in her heart
Can't live without invisible friends, yeah
Jesus and God and angels playing their part

She says she's a Mormon, to me they're all the same
They all want to mess with your life and get inside your brain
And now I know
I have lost my ability
To see what's in front of me
And now I know I've fallen, fallen for it

I want to have invisible friends, yeah
The Holy Ghost to cause a burn in my heart
Can't live without invisible friends, yeah
Jesus and God and angels playing their part

I want to have an invisible friends, yeah...

I saw Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry

(Tune: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by Julia Murdoch Smith - 12/23/2006

I saw Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry
Underneath the mistletoe last night
He didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
He thought I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Mommy kicking Daddy’s balls
Underneath his dick delightsome white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Papa Alger had only seen
Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry last night!

I Saw Mommy Kissing Joseph Smith

(Tune: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Joseph Smith by the son of Zina Huntington Jacobs Smith Young (c) 1841" by Koriwhore - 12/23/2006

I saw Mommy kissing Joseph Smith's dick
while she was bent over a hay bale last night.
He seemed like a creep
down the stairs I caught a peep;
She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy lick Joseph Smith
up and down his dick so long and white;
Oh, what a blast it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Joseph Smith's dick last night.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Parley Pratt (tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

I saw Mommy kissing Parley Pratt
Underneath the hallway stairs last night.
He didn't tell me: "scat!"
When he saw me through the slat;
And she thought I was chopping
Wood out back in my black hat.
Then, I heard Mommy telling Parley Pratt
She would go with him to Deseret!
Oh, how the bullets would have flown
If Daddy had only known
About Mommy kissing Pratt, that Rat!

I Stand All Amazed

(Tune: I Stand All Amazed created by Jillian 5/04/2001)

I stand all amazed at the way Mormon weddings are.
The rules and the customs just really seem quite bizarre.
I weep when I think of the poor, lonely bride and groom
Whose loved ones cannot all be there in the sealing room.

CHORUS:

Oh it is horrible! The church thinks it's okay to spoil their wedding day.
Oh it is horrible! Horrible to me!

I marvel that so many people put up with it.
To have friends and family excluded 'cause they're not "fit".
I don't understand why they don't stand and rant and rave.
This just isn't how a true Christian church should behave.

CHORUS:

I stand all amazed at the acts of hypocrisy
That come from this church on the subject of family.
A wedding should be something all can help celebrate
Instead of remaining outside in the cold to wait.

CHORUS:

I feel heavy sadness remembering our wedding day.
The sacrifice now seems just too great a price to pay.
Our friends and our families so bravely hid tears and woes,
While we just dressed up like two green-aproned marshmallows.

It Ain't Me

(Tune: Creedence's "Fortunate Son" - with apologies to John Fogerty - created by Gunshy 06/11/2003)

Some folks have known you all your life and theirs
Ooh they tell you they’re your friend
But when they find out you no longer believe
Ooh that’s when the friendship ends

It ain’t me, it ain’t me
What I once thought right is wrong
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
Now my weekends are two days long

Some folks are born in the covenant
They never learn to use their minds
When they’re confronted with solid evidence
Ooh they’re in that double bind

It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I do more than read and pray
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
Now truth’s all that I obey

The folks in Salt Lake think they own our lives
They’re authoritarian to the core
And when you ask ‘em how much should we give
Ooh they only answer more, more, more

It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I believe in Joe no more
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
Now the whole things just a bore

It's A Sin To Surf The Net

(Tune: In Our Lovely Deseret created by Caroline 5/2000)

In our lovely Deseret
It’s a sin to surf the net
Where apostates and sinners like to post
They are evil and they're wrong
Heed the warning of this song:
If we catch you on this site you'll l soon be toast!

Click! click! click!
Tis Satan’s web site,
Eric does the devil’s work
Even worse than drinking tea,
It can cause apostacy,
God will smite you if your dare if you dare log on and lurk.

It’s Child Abuse In Latter Days

(Tune: “As Zion’s Youth In Latter Days” by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

It’s child abuse in latter days
We call it like it is.
When sick old men seduce young girls
It is a grievous sin!
But Joseph’s rape of Helen Mar
A young girl of fourteen,
Is surely different than the rest,
His record must be clean!

When Heber went to Helen Mar
She must have been distressed.
He told her though not yet fifteen
You surely have been blessed,
To be the prophet’s concubine
And all his lusts fulfill.
This surely is the mind of God
And you must do his will!

In May of 1843
Poor Helen’s dye was cast,
Etern’ly sealed to Joseph Smith,
She’s socially second class!
Excluded from the reverie
Of youthful pure romance;
She is the prophet’s child bride
Her misery we lament.

I've Got a Bod From God

(Tune: I Am a Child of God created by Lady DB - 4/2000)

I've got a bod from God
And it has served me well
Has given me a real good time
With fellas who are swell.

I've got a bod from God
Rich blessings are in store
If I can buy a booby job
I'll last forever more.

Kneed me, guide me, lay beside me
Show me how it's done
Show me all that I can do
To make us have some fun.

I've got a bod from God
And so my needs are great
Help me to find the perfect guy
So I won't masturbate.

Lead me, guide me, fantasize me
Take me on a date
Tell me you will never leave
Because my bod's so great!

I've got a Latter-Day girl

(Tune: "Mary Moon by Dead Eye Dick") - created by brainbutter@yahoo.com- 05/26/2002

I've got a Latter-Day girl (tell us what she's like)
Geneaologist girl (does she ride a bike)
She has a frumpy hair-doo (spend a lot of cash)
And she's tryin' to convert you (she's headed for a crash)

She's the first one in the chapel and the very last to go,
And she always stays in Utah 'cept to visit Idaho.

Molly Mo-oooooooooo, reads the Book of Mormon
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo can't wait till she can have lots of children
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
She wants a priesthood holder in her home...
She don't drink tea but she sure likes her coke

You know, she listens to Hinckley (how does she like it)
in sunday school weekly (why she doesn't hike it)
When she goes to bear her testimony
"oh, I know. oh, I know. oh, I know...that it's true"

She's got a floral pattern on her very modest dress,
And she'll never touch her dinner until it has been blessed.

Molly Mo-oooooooooo, she is still a virgin
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo will likely stay that way despite my urgin'
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
She wants a priesthood holder in her home...
She don't drink tea but she sure likes her coke

Molly Mo, if you masturbate
you'll have to tell your bishop all about it
and then you'll have to pass on the sacrament

[funky guitar solo]

Molly Mo-oooooooooo, she is a republican
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo can't wait till she can get her endowment
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo-oooooooooo, she sings from the hymnal
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo will not say anything that's not doctrinal
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)

Jesus wants me for an asshole

(Tune: "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" - performed by Boyd K Packer - 10/19/2003

Jesus wants me for an asshole,
To whine at Him each day;
In every way try to displease Him,
At home, at the COB, at play.

An asshole, an asshole,
Jesus wants me for His asshole;
An asshole, an asshole,
I'll be an asshole for Him.

Jesus wants me to be shoving,
And mean to all I see;
Showing how unpleasant and crabby
His little asshole can be.

An asshole, an asshole,
Jesus wants me for His asshole;
An asshole, an asshole,
I'll be an asshole for Him.

I will beg Jesus to spank me,
To keep my penis from sin;
Ever reflecting His aloofness,
while I take a shining to Him.

An asshole, an asshole,
Jesus wants me for His asshole;
An asshole, an asshole,
I'll be an asshole for Him.

I'll be an asshole for Jesus;
I can if I but try;
to eventually become the prophet,
Then give Him a hugh "high five."

An asshole, an asshole,
Jesus wants me for His asshole;
An asshole, an asshole,
I'll be an asshole for Him.

Joe Smith’s Got Balls

(Tune: "How Great Thou Art") by Enigma - 02/04/2009

Oh Joseph Smith;
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The women thou didst lay.
From Emma Hale
To Mary Rollins Lightner;
Eliza Snow
To dearest Hanna Ells.

[Chorus]

Then swells my loins
And makes my soul to sing;
Joe Smith’s got balls!
Joe Smith’s got balls!
Then swells my loins
And makes my soul to sing;
Joe Smith’s got balls!
Joe Smith’s got BALLS!

Joe’s lustful heart
Knew no judicious bound’ry;
His rampant prowl
For sex was on the rise.
When once his romp
Was done with Fanny Alger;
His loins did throb
For faithful members wives!

[Repeat Chorus]

With tales of swords
And homicidal angels,
He found his way
Up many young girls skirts
With promises
Of fam’ly exaltation
He bargained for
Sweet virgins young and pure.

[Repeat Chorus]

And when the threat
Of public condemnation
Loomed o’er old Joe
And his lascivious life;
He did deny
Then he destroyed the press;
And for these crimes,
The people took his life!

[Repeat Chorus]

Joe's nuts roasting on an open fire

(Tune: "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" by Turnip - 12/23/2006

Joe's nuts roasting on an open fire
Mob is nipping at his heels
Preparing a party of feathers and tar
though Joe is slippery as an eel

Angry husbands of the wives he screwed
Help to make the fire bright
Moms of the teenaged brides he deflowered
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
v They know that justice is on the way
The ones he bilked want Joe to pay
Everyone he lied to now will spy
To see if Joe in the tar will really fry

And so we're offering this simple prayer
For every Exmo who sees true
Drink all you can, smoke cigars like The Man
Merry Smithmas

To You!

Joe - The Great American Prophet

created by Rambooze of The Hinge (click on "Joe" to download mp3) - 02/09/2004

When I was just a little bitty man
All those holy rollers with their shovels in hand
You know my mommy sat me down, said write your own book
You can play it right son, You got that look!

So I fashioned my tale from a forest so green
Threw in some ghosts and saviors - Johnny Rotten Appleseeds
I got some white men and red men in some fools’ gold on sale
King James helped out, Shakespeare and my ale

I said, Oh my God, Looky at me,
The mirror-ball man selling faith for a fee
I got your vices for prices and crutches for the weak
Submit and suppress and maybe someday you can be me

So we headed out of town like all good, little cults should
How to be King if not in my own neck of woods?
Well the power was sweet and they loved to be held
I had all the answers - Now keep the questions to yourselves! - Oh, No

Oh my God, Looky at me!
I got them groping at ghosts Chef Boyardees
Now if it don’t look right, just remember what I speak
Submit and oppress and maybe someday you can be me

(Something to the tune of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” song)

That’s right, and when I die
They’ll build me a statue and point it at the sky
Made of gold from the money of my tale
Believing everyone’s wrong except for them who buy faith that’s for sale

Oh my God, Looky at me,
The mirror-ball man selling faith for a fee
I got your vices for prices and crutches for the week
Submit and suppress and maybe someday you can be me

Jolly Ol' Joe Smith, Please Just… (tune: Jolly Old Saint Nicholas)

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Jolly Ol' Joe Smith, please just
Lend your ear this way:
"There's some gals live down the road;
Virginal, they say!"
Smithmas Eve is coming soon;
Now, you pervy man
Whisper what you'll do with them —
Tell me if you can!

When the clock is striking twelve,
Emma's fast asleep.
Down the stairs and through the door
To your gals you'll creep!
All their garments you will find
Blowing to and fro;
Helen's are the smallest ones —
That, I'm sure you know!

Fanny wants a garter belt,
Zina wants a bed,
Flora wants a brand new dress,
Emma wants your head!
Now you think you know what you
What to give the rest —
But for you, Ol' Sneaky Joe,
Carthage will be best!

Joseph the Con Man

(Tune: "Frosty the Snowman" - created by Nightingale - 12/20/2005

Joseph the con man
Was a lying cheating sod
With a magic stone and them golden plates
And some books he wrote for God

Joseph the con man
Wrote a fairy tale we say
He worshipped the flesh
Now he’s in their crèche
And he’ll be a god one day (they say)

There must have been some magic
In that silly hat he had
For when he placed it on his face
He began a brand new fad

Joseph the con man
Was frisky as he could be
Now the Mormons say
To obey and pay
Like God wants for you and me

Joseph the con man
Knew he could be shot that day
So he said let’s run
And have some more fun
And after that we’ll pray

Inside the jail cell
With a weapon in his hand
Running here and there his arm to the square
Saying catch me if you can

He jumped through the open window
It was a scary drop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard them holler stop

Joseph the con man
Was shot while running away
As he went bye-bye
He said I won’t cry
For I’ll be a god some day

Clangety clang clang
Clangety clang clang
Look at BYU
Clangety clang clang
Clangety clang clang
Jesus the Christ should sue

Joe - The very thought of thee

12/01/2006 - Grey Matter

Joe the very thought of thee
With regret fills my breast
Of life's valuable time wasted
And all the freakin' rest

No voice can sing
Nor heart can frame
Nor can the memory find
An uglier, con-man cultist
And abuser of womankind

The hopeless dream of every dupe
The pain of every fool
The hero of every paedophile
The lies were bloody cruel

Fake prophet, you still linger on
Though the halcyon days are over
Just like a frenzied dog on heat
You should have been called Rover

Joseph The Pointy-Nosed Mormon

(Tune: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by flattopSF - 12/23/2006

You know Brigham and Heber,
And Warren and Wilford,
Ervil and Orson,
Osama and Willard,
But do you recall
The foremost polyg of all?

Joseph the pointy-nosed Mormon
knew an Angel with a knife.
And if he spotted a hottie
She had to become his wife.
All of the other Mormons
Tried and tried to emulate
His habits oh, so naughty:
Second-best was their fate!

Then one frosty winter day
Mobsters came to play:
Feather'd and tarred old horny Joe
He was movin' mighty slow!
Then all the mobsters mobbed him
As they kicked his butt with glee:
Joseph the pointy-nosed Mormon's
Nerves were sore and all jangly!

Joseph, The Pointy-Nose Prophet

(Tune: "Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer" - created by Matthew - 12/22/2001

Joseph the pointy-nose prophet
Had some very golden plates
And if you ever saw them
You would have to be destroyed.
All of his closest buddies
Just wanted to see the plates
But Joseph wouldn't let them
Because he was real secretive.
Then one day deep in the woods
Joseph told three witnesses
"You men are deemed worthy enough,
Won't you see my plates tonight?"
Then the witnesses saw them
Saw they weren't that impressive
"Joseph, you slimy bastard
You'll be revealed the fraud you are!"

Joseph was a prophet

To the tune of "Follow the Prophet" - created by jennyfoo, activejack, sophia, & Jonathan - 02/12/2005

Joseph was a prophet, he liked to dig for gold.
Then he realized there was money in God's word.
He made up a religion and called men to repent.
now millions of Mormons give his church ten percent.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
The Lord is rich indeed.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Feed the corporate greed.

Brigham was a "prophet", led the Saints after Joe died.
His agenda was to murder and "protect" us with his lies.
He practiced blood vengeance so the faithful were afraid.
He needed a harem in order to get laid.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Don't dare expose the lie.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Or you will have to die.

John Taylor was a prophet, always lied for Joseph Smith
Covered all his tracks and all the brethren he was with.
While on the run from federal marshals for having many wives
He married a twenty year old woman when he was seventy-nine.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
There's nothing wrong with that.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Young girls are where it's at.

Woodruff was a prophet, he ended polygamy
With a manifesto forced by his great country
Many practiced in secret known to this man of god
He approved of many women holding to the rod.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Breaking laws is good.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Lie for the Lord, we should.

Lorenzo was a Prophet aspired to be God
Preached godhood exaltation which was rather odd.
God was once a man on an Earth like ours he taught
now the church is saying that doctrine it was not.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Have a long white beard.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
But now his doctrine's weird.

Joe F. Smith was a prophet, one of the good ol' boys,
Liked having many women and treated them as toys.
He authorized plural marriage down in Mexico
Contrary to the orders of Lorenzo Snow.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
He liked to disobey.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
He knows the way.

Heber was a prophet, concerned about the church
he was worried about appearance and scriptural research
He shut down church owned brothels, and shortened up the G's
So they reached the elbow and just below the knees.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
change the sacred drawers.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Get rid of all the whores.

George Smith was a prophet, the members he'd torment
Warned of Atomic warfare and called all to repent.
Soon throughout the world, millions would drop like flies
More than fifty years later, we're all still alive.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
The end is coming soon.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
He was a bafoon.

Harry Lee was a prophet, his tenure ended quick.
He finally was the man in charge then came down really sick.
But while he was apostle, he ruled with fists of steel.
His correlation commitee brought the membership to heel.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
No priesthood for the blacks.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
The church will weather the attacks.

Dave McKay he was a prophet,and missions were his thing.
With members all the world over what tithing they would bring.
Each member as a missionary spreading Joseph's lies,
And acting as a mainstream cult will be our great disguise.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Listen to ka-ching.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
The fortunes it will bring.

Joe Smith he was a prophet, but not the one you think.
This Joe Smith was prophet when his age was on the brink.
He left the running of the church to sidekick Harry Lee,
And let him quiet Ezra and his right-wing philosophy.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
His time in charge was short.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
His life would soon abort.

Spencer was a prophet, the Lamanites were his game.
Asians or Israelites, no idea from whence they came.
Lamanites are dark and loathesome 'til the gospel they are taught.
To make white and delightsome was the goal, or so he thought.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Tear indian families apart
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Pretend you have a heart.

Ezra was a prophet, hated communists
If he ever saw one he would shake his fist, and
He considered Negroes lowly as a race,
Plus he told all women, “Don't forget your place.”

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Feeble in his mind.
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
To society be blind.

Howard was a prophet, aged, old, and sick.
Only in for nine months. His term ended quick.
The temple was his goal, every member to attend.
Tithing money was his true motivation in the end.

Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
He was sick all the time
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
Follow the Prophet
'Cuz he was next in line.

Hinckley was prophet, or so the leaders say.
Teaching us to hate all the people who are gay.
Shunning all the doctrine he has taught since birth
Building fancy buildings so they can dot the earth.
Follow the prophet
Follow the prophet
Follow the prophet
I don't know that we teach that.
Follow the prophet
Follow the prophet
Follow the prophet
Boy my wallet's getting fat.

"Keep On Walkin' in the Mo World"

To the tune of Neil Young's "Keep On Rockin" in the Free World." - created by Stray Mutt 03/30/2002

There are people that you meet, say their church is true
People rushing off to meet, people sleepin' in the pews
There are people doing what the prophet said
There's a lot of folks tryin’ not to use their own heads
Don't feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to help 'em, any way I can

Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world

I see a girl in the ward with a baby in each hand
There’s another on the way, it’s the gospel plan
Now, her husband works two jobs, goes to school at night
He’s goin’ crazy but he thinks it’s right
That's one more family that’ll never get ahead
Never get to have a life, until after they’re dead

Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world

There's a thousand points of doubt for the thinking man
There’s a tortured logic he can’t understand
But he’s temple married, has family prayer
Reads gospel garbage from the Mozone layer
There's a man in the pulpit, saying, “Do what I say”
Got love to earn, got tithes to pay

Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world

Well he wakes up in he night in a sweat-soaked bed
With a hundred questions and a thousand dreads
Has he been a sucker, has he wasted his whole life?
Would he lose his children and his wonderful wife
If he left the Mormon closet for a life that’s true?
There are too many risks, there’s just one thing to do

Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world

Now her husband’s off to work and the kids are in school
She wipes up breakfast and the baby’s drool
Then she surfs for answers on the World Wide Web
And finds the reasons why her faith has gone dead
But she can’t share her secret and it makes her cry
Has to save the family even if she has to lie

Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world
Keep on walkin' in the Mo world

King Joe

(Tune: "'King Tut' of the Saturday Nite Live parody song by Steve Martin" - concept by Steve Martini of the Recovery Bulletin Board - lyrics by Stray Mutt - 12/17/2001

Joe Smith
Joe Smith
Now when he was a young man,
He said he had a vision
Exactly what happened
Is subject to revision

Joe Smith
Dug for buried treasure
Laughing Smith
Con man beyond measure
Baptized in the water
Tried to hump your daughter
Joe Smith

Now, God¹s a man
Just like a human being
So give me all your money
And maybe you can see him

Joe Smith
Saw the Son and Daddy
Prophet Smith
Turned into a baddy
Does just what he pleases
Partys hard with Jesus
Joe Smith

Lying all the while
Crafty Smith
The ladies love his style
Hunky Smith
Left them with his child
Daddy Smith
Went to jail a while

He gave his life for polygamy
Golden plates!
He's a scoundrel
They're sellin' you

Now, when I die,
I want to go to heaven
And have a lot of wives
Maybe six or seven

Joe Smith
He coulda been an actor
Bastard Smith
Integrity¹s no factor
Saw the Son and Father
Baptized in the water
Tried to hump your daughter
Went like a lamb to slaughter
Joe Smith!

Knock it off Burt

(Original by Stu Pidass of Fanny Alger, a rock band from Washington, USA

In our ward there were various scandals that were always hush-hushed. Ususally it involved church leaders or members embezzeling money from business associates in shady business deals. Or the occasional house got burned down for insurance purposes. Our assistant scout master was taken away for abducting a lady at K-mart then driving her to his auto-body shop where he had his wicked way with her. Those people are the inspiration for "Knock it off Burt."

Knock it off Burt or I'll tell mom
Knock it off Kurt or you'll be gone

What about all the lies and the things that you bent?
What about the girl you tied?
Let's all bless the sacrament
Dewey!

Gary, Tommy, Joe, Glenn
Give the money back, Right Now

Dewey!

The Latter Day Drag

(Tune: "The Vatican Rag" - created by Stray Mutt - 10/12/2001

First you pray then raise your hymnal
Soak up messages subliminal
Time to do the 3-hour block and
Hear a talk, hear a talk, hear a talk
Gospel doctrine, priesthood classes
It's the opiate of masses
Bear your testimony
Even if it's phony
Living the Latter-day drag

It's a church and it's a culture
That circles ‘round you like a vulture
It makes you scared to live and glad to die
For a god whose love you have to buy
It's a global corporation
Waging war on masturbation
Two four six eight
Sex is just to procreate

So you slip into the last pew
Doing no more than you have to
Look the bishop in the eye and
Live a lie, live a lie, live a lie
Serve the Lord, fulfill your calling
Listen to your children bawling
Such a lucky fellow
Come and eat some Jell-O
Living the Latter-day drag

Stuck inside the Mormon nation
You're working out your exaltation
You smile and act like you believe it too
Just to keep your spouse from leaving you
Stuff your doubts back in the closet
Pay your tithes, obey the prophet
One two three four
Deacons knocking on your door

So get down upon your knees
Don't forget to wear your G’s
Bow your head with great respect and
Write a check, write a check, write a check
Love your wife and love your children
It's respect and trust you're buildin’
Faithful and abiding
Heretic in hiding
Cringing at what they say
Wanting to run away
Living the Latter-day dra-a-a-a-g

Let's Get Bombarded

(Tune: “Let's Get It Started by Black Eyed Peas" by Webz - 04/01/2007)

Let's Get Bombarded, in here...

And the lies keep comin' comin', and comin' comin', and comin'
comin', and comin' comin', and
comin' comin', and comin' comin', and comin' comin', and
comin' comin', and...

With all respect, my words are perfect, so, when I start to preach, your minds can interconnect.
We got three hours for us to disconnect, from all intellect collect the B.S. effect.
History facts are inefficient, follow your intuition, cage your inner soul and conform to tradition.
Coz when we bear out, Spirit's pullin us out.
You wouldn't believe how we bos'm burnin' out.
Burn it til it's burned out.
Churn it til it's churned out.
Tract up from north, west, east, south.

[Chorus:]

Everybody, everybody, let's listen to it.
Get stupid.
Church started, Church started, Church started.
Let's get bombarded (ha), let's get bombarded (we're here).
Let's get bombarded (ha), let's get bombarded (we're here).
Let's get bombarded (ha), let's get bombarded (we're here).
Let's get bombarded (ha), let's get bombarded (we're here).
Yeah.

Let Us All Grin On

(Tune: “Let Us All Press On" by Jillian - 07/07/2002)

Let us all grin on as we labor for the Lord
Tho our brains are dead we must never seem bored.
We will do as told because thinking is abhorred
In the shadowy world of Mo.

(chorus)
Motox! For our shining countenance.
Motox! When the teachings make no sense.
We will show none of the dissonance we feel
Though we know this constant smiling can’t be real.

We will not look sad nor appear dissatisfied
When there’s evidence that our leaders may have lied.
We’ll just fix our grins and believe with stubborn pride
In the fantasy world of Mo.

(chorus)

Motox! For our shining countenance.
Motox! When the teachings make no sense.
We will show none of the dissonance we feel.
Though we know this constant smiling can’t be real.

If we just look bright then our lives will all be grand.
We’ll ignore the fact that the answers are all canned.
We’ll protect our souls with our heads deep in the sand
In the plastic world of Mo.

(chorus)

Motox! For our shining countenance.
Motox! When the teachings make no sense.
We will show none of the dissonance we feel.
Though we know this constant smiling can’t be real.

Let us oft speak kind words to each other

by substrate - 12/12/2006

Let us oft speak kind words to each other
But not to apostates or gays.
Stay away from the unclean and evil
For that's what the holy scriptures say.
Let's ignore every heart that is sinning
Don't encourage the scumbags and depraved
For kind words from you mean Satan's winning
And there's no hope that they can be saved.

Oh, the people we shun
For the wrongs they have done
Will from our example take heart.
Let us not speak kind words to the sinners
Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.

Like the chill of the winter our cold stares
Show that we know the flaws of the rest.
For shunning shows sinners that we care.
They can't change if they're not depressed.
Let's oft, then, with angry, sharp voices
Our once-happy friendships destroy
Till those who've done wrong find repentance
And in the church with us find joy.

Oh, the people we've shunned
For Jesus we'll have won
Unless sin again sets us apart.
Let us oft speak kind words to the righteous
Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.

Lie Upon Lie

(Tune: “Line Upon Line from Saturday's Warrior" created by Cindy- 03/26/2007)

Lie upon lie, decept on decept
That is how he grifts us
That is how he swindles his children.
Lie upon lie, decept on decept
Like the nazi powers
Forcing us to build of his kingdom.
Like mindless drones we can't see
How they spend our money in the COB.
They know where we are in this big universe
Because the concept of tithing is forever!
Lie upon lie, decept on decept
That is how he grifs us
That is how he swindles his children.
Lie upon lie, decept on decept
Like the summer squalls
Forcing us to rebuild his malls.

Life is like the curse of Cain

(Tune: “Duck Tales theme from Disney Afternoon" by soothseeker - 06/14/2004)

Life is like the curse of Cain
Here in Salt Lake.
There's a church and it's insane
It's a big fake.
Truth is a mystery
They rewrite history.

CHORUS:

Dunn's tales, oo-oo
Every day they're out there
making up tales. oo-oo.
They're just daring you
to fry your brain cells. oo-oo.

When it seems they're hiding truth behind the curtain.
Cool deduction never fails. That's for certain.
The brainwashed masses
Just kiss their a**es

CHORUS

D-d-d-danger lurks beside you.
You're a stranger? Well, they'll find you.
What to do? Just don't listen to. . .

CHORUS

D-d-d-danger lurks beside you.
You're a stranger? Well, they'll find you.
What to do? Just don't listen to. . .

CHORUS (twice)

They're phony tales, they're rotten tales.
No more tales! oo-oo

The Lights Are On

(Tune: Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" - created by Michael in Kansas City - 06/26/2004)

The lights are on,
too bad you’re home.
The damn missionaries,
won’t leave you alone.
Your heart skips,
an extra beat.
How will you get,
Out of this shit!

Whoa, you’d like to think that you’re a good Mormon boy
Oh yeah
But the closer you get to truth the more you begin to doubt
You know you might as well face it you’re about to get out

You see the signs,
the BOM’s a bore.
You now know,
It was written by old Joe.
Your’re confused,
You feel confined,
You’re getting pissed,
Now’s the time.
v Whoa – you know that Joseph never saw all that shit
Oh no.
It’s closer to the truth to say he made it all up
You know might as well face it you’ve really been duped.
might as well face it you’ve really been duped
might as well face it you’ve really been duped
might as well face it you’ve really been duped
might as well face it you’ve really been duped

Might as well face it you’ve really been duped

instrumental

Your mind’s now free,
And you’re the man.
Take off the garments,
And get a tan.
Wash your car
In the fuckin’ nude.
Have an affair,
With miss Gertrude.

whoaoo – you’d like to think that you were smarter than this
oh yeah.
It’s closer to the truth to say you - really fucked up
You know you might as well face it you really fucked up.
You might as well face it you really fucked up.
You might as well face it you really fucked up.
You might as well face it you really fucked up.
You might as well face it you really fucked up.

Like a Vision by MO-Donna

Backup vocals by the Palmyra Revival Society Chorale (Tune: Madonna's "Like A Virgin" - created by Brigham Smith - 6/2000)

I walked into the wilderness
in 1820, or was it '23
There I saw a blinding light
and an angel appeared to me

Were there two, or just one
Was it the Father, or just the Son
But I swear it's real
It's just a small detail
That still makes it all true

(Chorus)
It's my first vision
Changed for the very third time
With three edi-i-i-tions
Guess you cant know,
which is really mine.

If you believe this story, boy
My fear is fading fast
There's a path I've set for you
Just don't look closely into the past.

With this line, now your mine
Though all wrong, its what you've been sold
I guess you've passed the test
Please just accept all the rest
Welcome... to the fold.

In my first vision
memory fades in the years gone by
can't risk der-i-i-i-sion
Next I'll convince 'em
maybe pigs can fly

Its divine, not assinine
Don't inquire... and we'll all be fine
Don't bother looking for proof,
Just accept it as truth
Then I won't fear youll find...

That my first vision
Has more holes than a sieve
I had no priesthood
Yet I saw God and lived

Chorus

Ho Ho Ho
Mo Mo Mo

Can you feel my bosom...
Hot for the very first time

Nephi, Moroni, Whoever!

Livin' In Provo Utah

(Tune: Sung with stupefying energy to the tune of Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" created by M. Spaff Sumsion spaff@itransact.com)

She's got a grand ambition
She wants to be a wife
Her boyfriend's on a mission
Serving two years to life
She thinks that kissing's reckless
She swears she's staying good
She wears that special necklace
To prove her virginhood

She'll make you cut your hair short
And go bowling on your date
She'll make you shop at Food 4 Less
And walk to Movies 8
She thinks her ward is great
 

Rise and shout and swear
Livin' in Provo Utah
Sweet Geneva air
Livin' in Provo Utah
It's like Sesame Street
But gosh I miss Mister Hoopah
Babies everywhere
They're livin' in Provo Utah
Livin' in Provo Utah
 

She grew up north of Provo
Three chapels on her hill
She calls it Pleasant Grove-though
It's more like Pleasantville
 

She'll make you shave your beard off
And wear shorts that reach your knees
And when she rubs your thigh
It isn't meant to be a tease
She's just checking for your G's
 

Dance till ten at night
Livin' in Provo Utah
Please be blue or white
Livin' in Provo Utah
"The campus is our world"
That's not just a bunch of hoo-hah
Choose the ultra right
We're livin' in Provo Utah
Livin' in Provo Utah

Load up your guns

(Tune: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana - created by T-Bone - 03/25/2009

Load up your guns, dress like Indians
We'll go up to Mountain Meadows my friends
The chapel smells like one big turd
Free thought is such a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, how low

With no blood oaths, we're less dangerous
Check our Depends, time to change us
Every Sunday, for three hours
All I smell is soiled trousers

I've got this burning in my chest
I'm paying tithing, I'm so blessed
Thought I was gay, maybe I'm not
My wife agrees, the new elders are hot

Hello, hello, hello, how low name: T-Bone

Lobotomy

(Tune: "All Apologies" by Nirvana - created by Stray Mutt - 05/22/2005

What else do I need?
A lobotomy
There’s no other way
Everyone must pay
Could I stand and fight?
Too hard to be right
What else do I need?
A lobotomy

There is one
There is one thing to be done
There is one
There is one
Get married, buried

I wish I was like you
Easily confused
See in black and white
Certain I am right
Live a life of shame
Dressing all the same
Waiting to take my turn
Choking back the anger and insanity

There is one
There is one thing to be done
There is one
There is one
Get married, married, buried, buried
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

All a lie is all it is [x20]

Longview Twenty-Third Ward

(Tune: "Long View" by Green Day - created by Stray Mutt - 12/23/2002

Sit around in my best suit, my garments on
I have to be here for an hour or two
I walk the halls for just a bit
I’m sick of all the same old shit
In a church with jerks and boors and I’m going crazy

Bite my tongue and close my eyes
Take me away from all the lies
I’m so damned tired of acting blind
And I feel like shit

Peel me off this folding chair and get me praying
I sure as hell won’t do it for myself
I’m feeling angry, feeling beat
Three hour block and a front row seat
I locked the door to my own cell with my priesthood keys

I got no revelation
Where is my revelation?
No time for contemplation
Who here has inspiration?

I smile and nod and give a talk, fulfill my calling
Call me an elder, call me what you will
My father says to get a wife
But he don’t like the one he’s got
When all the bullshit starts to gel you’re fucking breaking

Bite my tongue and close my eyes
Take me away from all the lies
I’m so damned tired of acting blind
Their explanations won’t suffice
Bite my lip and close my eyes
Throwing away their paradise
Have to quit or lose my mind
‘Cause it’s all a myth

Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow...

(Tune: "Let it Snow" by Primus - 12/23/2006

Oh our Bank Account is frightful,
No, we can’t afford a bite full.
And the reason that this is so
Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

Back when the Church wasn’t prospering
And the Creditors were Collecting
On a trip to St. George he’d Go
Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight,
It will be Outside in the Storm!
The space in the cars real tight!
But at least we stayed right with the Lord!

The tires are slowly flatning,
And, my dear, no Christmas buying,
But we won’t be burned by the Lord,
Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

Lying For The Lord

(Tune: "Bringing in the Sheep" - created by Arrogance Unlimited, Inc - 3/2000)

Lying for the Lord,
Lying for the Lord,
Keep your fingers crossed cause...
Were lying for the Lord
 

Lying for the Lord,
Lying for the Lord,
Give 'em milk not meat when...
You're lying for the Lord
Lying for the Lord!
Lying for the Lord!
In the end they'll understand
Why you're lying for the Lord!

Makin' Babies

(Tune: "Makin' Whoopie" created by Stray Mutt 02/02/2003)

A Mormon girl
A Mormon boy
With Mormon values
Their parents' joy
They've had the lesson
They won't be messin'
No makin' babies

They're staying chaste
They're staying pure
They're staying virgins
You can be sure
They only fake it
They're getting naked
And making babies

Then one day she gets pregnant
He blames it all on her
He goes off on a mission
He'll dump her, that's for sure

She bears the child
Gives it away
A barren couple
Is glad to pay
Now she's forgiven
For sinful livin'
For makin' babies

They say that she repented
Her sins are in the past
She has a brilliant future
She can move on at last

Goes to the Y
Goes on a date
The Spirit whispers
This one's your mate
It's really simple

Go to the temple
Start makin' babies

A spirit child
Who lives with God
Feels so unhappy
He needs a bod
So bring your eggs here
And spread your legs, Dear
We're makin' babies

All over Wymont Terrace
No condoms to be found
No use for contraception
That's why the kids abound

You go to church
Pay ten percent
They never tell you
Just how it's spent
But you'll get blessings
So start undressing
And make those babies

No sex for pleasure
No sex for fun
Not any blow jobs
Not even one
Can't waste his semen
So stop your dreamin'
Keep makin' babies

Live in a small apartment
Creditors go unpaid
Filling it up with children
Paid for by MedicAid

You're nursing two
And weaning three
Four runny noses
Five scabby knees
You're changing Pampers
And filling hampers
And makin' babies

She's such a Mormon mommy
Bloated with swollen feet
Thirty but feeling fifty
Uterus raw as meat

Are six enough?
Are ten too few?
If you're still fertile
Then you're not through
There's no debating
Keep procreating
Keep makin' babies

Miscarry once
Miscarry twice
With thirteen children
You pay a price
A doctor's warning
But in the morning
You're makin' babies


Merry Christmas Mate

(Tune: Hark The Herald Angels Sing created by Matt from the bbs - 3/2000)

Hark the herald angels sing,
listen to Gordon on Larry King!
It was just a couplet small,
Nothing to worry about at all.
Not our policy oh, no!
Please do not go on so!
Mormons all sing with one voice,
doctrinal changes, rejoice, rejoice!

Hark the Herald angels sing,
Now hear new doctrine on Larry King!

Oh little town of Salt Lake City,
how deep your evil lie,
With Brigham Young,
made of human dung,
the bells of hell he rung.

Misogynists of Israel

(Tune: "Ye Elders of Israel" - 03/13/2007 - created by Enigma)

Misogynists of Israel
Your calling receive:
To subjugate women
And cause them to grieve.
We’ll take away their priesthood
And force them to see,
Their sole useful purpose
Is to cook and to breed.

[Chorus]

Equality, equality
We bid thee farewell!
We’re hie’ing off to Kolob
With our harems to dwell!

We’ll seek out the feminists
And free thinkers too,
Their reputations sully
Their spirits subdue.
Since witch hunts now are out of vogue,
Our mission is clear:
We’ll brainwash our daughters
And fill them with fear!

[Repeat Chorus]

The world thinks us backward
Our ways it detests.
Our women though will tell them,
They are blessed beyond blessed.
They never have to question
The powers that be,
Just follow the priesthood
In thought and in deed!

[Repeat Chorus]

Mission Case

(Tune: Green Day's "Basket Case" created by  Steve Nunez - Squibb@juno.com - 1997)

Do you have the time,
To watch me speak and shine,
about the gospel,
and the Book of Mormon,
I'm not,
One of those,
Evangelists on the road,
Who's always on the move,
to get your money,

Instead, we're sanctioned here by God,
We preach about an Iron Rod,
Referrals Keep Adding up,
I know we're helping out,
The Kingdom of God,
Cause we were taught.

We preach about Christ,
and through His sacrifice,
Redemption can be made,
on Earth today.
I know this sounds weird,
We preach no drugs; no beer.
I hope you want to hear,
about Jesus Christ.

Sometimes we go out fearlessing.
Sometimes we get inside a house,
Referrals keep adding up,
I think we're helping out,
the Kingdom of God,
That's what we're taught.

Tracting got our prize.
So I better Bap-tize.

Baptize, Baptize, Baptize, Baptize

Instead, we're sanctioned here by God,
We preach about an Iron Rod,
Baptisms Keep Adding up,
I know we're helping out,
The Kingdom of God,
Cause we were taught.

Misty - The Garments Song

01/06/2007 - by BrerRabbit

Look at me.
I’m as needley as a brand new Smithmas tree.
And I can’t tell your right sleeve from your left,
Your compass from your square.
I get misty from your underwear.

Walk my way,
And I strain to see the garments in your sway.
Doesn’t matter if it’s cotton or a blend,
Two piece or one.
I get misty just feeling your bum.

You may think that I’m leading you on,
But I want to know it’s holy drawers that you don.
If you’re not worthy, you fool,
I’m not wasting my time on your drool.

On my own,
I can’t wander through celestial worlds alone.
I’m just going to tug a button or a two,
Pull a wedgie up your butt.
I get misty just feeling you up.

Mo-Busters

(Tune: "Ghostbusters - Theme song from the movie" - 07/01/2001 - cricket)

Is there a strange twosome in your neighborhood?
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!
If they’re from Kolob and they don’t look good.
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!

I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost
I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost

If you hear those "suits" ring your door bell.
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!
Telling you repent or go to hell.
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!

If you’re all alone, pick up the phone
And call
Mo-Busters!

I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost
I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!

If you’re all alone, pick up the phone
And call
Mo-Busters!

I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost
I hear He likes girls.
I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!

If you’ve had a dose of the Holy Ghost
You’d better call
Mo-Busters!
Let me tell you something.
Burning Bosom Bustin’s real cool.
I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost
I ain’t afraid of no Holy Ghost

Don’t get caught alone, oh no.
Mo-Busters!
When they come through your door,
Unless you just want some more.
I think you better call
Mo-Busters!
Ow!
Who you gonna call?
Mo-Busters!
(repeat to fade)

Molly Mo

(Tune: "Mary Moon by Dead Eye Dick" - 04/19/2002 created by brainbutter@yahoo.com)

I've got a Latter-Day girl (tell us what she's like)
Geneaologist girl (does she ride a bike)
She has a frumpy hair-doo (spend a lot of cash)
And she's tryin' to convert you (she's headed for a crash)

She's the first one in the chapel and the very last to go,
And she always stays in Utah 'cept to visit Idaho.

Molly Mo-oooooooooo, reads the Book of Mormon
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo can't wait till she can have lots of children
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
She wants a priesthood holder in her home...
She don't drink tea but she sure likes her coke

You know, she listens to Hinckley (how does she like it)
in sunday school weekly (why she doesn't hike it)
When she goes to bear her testimony
"oh, I know. oh, I know. oh, I know...that it's true"

She's got a floral pattern on her very modest dress,
And she'll never touch her dinner until it has been blessed.

Molly Mo-oooooooooo, she is still a virgin
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo will likely stay that way despite my urgin'
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
She wants a priesthood holder in her home...
She don't drink tea but she sure likes her coke

Molly Mo, if you masturbate
you'll have to tell your bishop all about it
and then you'll have to pass on the sacrament

[funky guitar solo]

Molly Mo-oooooooooo, she is a republican
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo can't wait till she can get her endowment
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)
Molly Mo-oooooooooo, she sings from the hymnal
(Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo) Molly Mo will not say anything that's not doctrinal (Molly Mo, Molly Mo, Molly Mo)

The Molympic Anthem

02/10/2002 by Jillian

(To the Mormon tune of "High On a Mountain Top")

High in the mountain tops the gauntlet has been hurled.
We’re pulling out all stops to welcome all the world!
The Molympics have arrived. The judgment day is nigh --
The Mormon P.R. Fest! It’s “Do or Die”!!!

For we remember still respect we couldn’t win.
The shame of being on the outside looking in.
We want to show the world we’re really ‘just plain folks’
And don’t deserve to be the butt of jokes.

We’ve got a brand new look for guides on Temple Square.
And you won’t see us prosyliting anywhere.
Remodeling’s almost done; we’ve tidied up the place.
But please don’t look too far beyond our face.

Now only listen to the things we want to share.
Cause there are lots of secrets lurking everywhere.
Polygamy’s a blip; Our family values rule.
And theocratic living’s really cool!

We’re hoping to convince the world that we’re mainstream.
Appearing like all others is our fondest dream.
The fastest growing church--Eleven million strong!
How could so many people all be wrong??!

So step into our web; we’ll show you all around.
We’ll even help you find out where there’s booze in town.
Eventually we’ll save you from your evil sin.
We’ve planned it all so LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

The Mopologist Song

(Tune: "Shake It Up" by the Cars - 03/13/2005 - Stray Mutt)

Well, write all night, lie all day
Don't let logic get in your way
Bend the truth, skip the facts
Make an argument that doesn’t track

Make it up
Make it up
Make it up
Make it up

D-N-A, what’s to lose?
Make another bad excuse
Limited geography
Works for you, then it works for me

Make it up
Make it up
Make it up
Make it up

They won’t know (no no no)
It’s all show (they’re real slow)
They’ve been told, “Don’t ask why”
Make it up, yeah, it’s just a lie
v Elephants and swords of steel
Facts don’t matter, it’s how you feel
Tapirs ridden into war
Feed ‘em bullshit, they’ll ask for more

Make it up
Make it up
Make it up
Make it up

Peer review (no no no)
Not for you (we won’t show)
Publish crap (wink your eye)
Make it up, yeah, before you die
Wooooo!

Nothing is the way it seems
No one knows just what the scriptures mean
Telling tall tales for the faith
Watch the suckers rise to the bait
v Make it up
Make it up
Make it up
Make it up

Make it up (fake it baby)
Make it up
Make it up (poor Hugh)
Make it up

The Morm'oly Hillbillies

Tune: Beverly Hillbillies - 06/16/2001 - by Poisein Pen
(Apologies to Brother Scruggs)

Well let me tell you a story 'bout a boy named Joe
A young money digger to a church he didn't go
And then one night he was layin' in his bed
When along came an angel and whacked him in the head
SPOKEN: Plates that is, let's go see

Well the next thing you know Joe's got a million heirs
But Brigham sez let's all move way out there
He sez in the mountains is where we oughtta go
So he loaded up his wives and he found the greatest snow
SPOKEN: On Earth that is, media pools, cheesey bribes--THE MORM'OLY HILLBILLIES!

SEGUE TO CLOSING HYMN:

Well Gord and all his family would like to thank you dear
Fer bringin all them cameras and winter sportin' gear
Yer all invited back next week to this locality
To have a heapin' helpin' of our best banality

SPOKEN: Hillbilly style, 10% gratuity included, Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, YOU HEAR

Mormon Con

(Tune: "HeavenCon" by Kathy Mar - parody words by Michael Liebmann - 03/12/2006)

There are Marriotts in the sky for all the Mormons when they die.

The way you lived your life on Earth determines which hotel you'll go to.

Bring your favorite wife, and you're guaranteed eternal life.

It just goes on and on, when you're dead enough to go to Mormon Con.

Celestial level's absolutely heaven

The floors and walls are carpeted with gold.

You feel just like a certain Gale named Dorothy

as she went down the yellow-bricked road.

The prophets call you out to pray once yearly

Then tell you all to pray for all you're worth

They ask you for advice on Mormon doctrine

and ask how to spread peace upon the Earth.

There are Marriotts in the sky for all the Mormons when they die.

The comfort of your bed's determined by the life you lived to build it.

Bring your seventh wife and you're guaranteed eternal life.

It just goes on and on, when you're dead enough to go to Mormon Con.

Terrestrial level's just like Salt Lake City

where temperatures can go from low to high,

and if you find you need some special clothing,

go down the street and shop ZCMI.

The prophets call to worship comes each Sunday;

they do not talk of brimstone or of fire.

And then you get to hear from the dead members

of the Salt Lake City Tabernacle Choir.

There are Marriotts in the sky for all the Mormons when they die.

Be nice to all the Jews you meet or you'll be sent to Outer Darkness

Bring your thirteenth wife, and you're guaranteed eternal life.

It just goes on and on, when you're dead enough to go to Mormon Con.

Telestial level's in the Gobi Desert.

Amenities within your room are few.

The drink machines have only Pepsi Cola,

hot coffee, diet Coke and Mountain Dew.

The prophets call you out to prayer each weekday.

The services are 15 hours long.

And when you make your way into the night club,

You'll find you've been immortalized in ([spoken] a nearly-dogmatically
correct, 90%+ pro-Mormon, written by a twice-transplanted New York Jewish
filker, who when he's done with this gig gets to go back to his home so he
can go to work the next morning) song!

There are Marriotts in the sky for all the Mormons when they die.

You will not get into a Hilton. They are not owned by the Mormons.

Each and every wife can help guarantee eternal life

It just goes on and on, when you're dead enough to go to Mormon Con.

Mormon Face

(Tune: "Poker Face' by Lady Ga Ga) - created by GayLayAle - 02/13/2010

I wanna dunk 'em like they do in temples please
Judge 'em visit teach 'em they just aren't as good as me
Looks like from the outside I live life so perfectly
My hairdo makes me top of the Relief Society

Can't eat my can't eat my no you can't eat my casserole
(Recipe is mine don't ask me)
Can't beat my can't beat my no you can't beat my casserole
(Bishop told me yours is nasty)

C-C-C-Casserole C-C-Casserole...

I want my mission call I'm waiting for it now
Temple recommend helps me to stay so well endowed
Making sure my "girlfriend" doesn't touch me where I pee
Sure, I'm gay but I will keep the law of chastity

Evergreen, Evergreen Electric Shock at Evergreen
(They can fix me Jesus told me)
They are mean, they are mean but I'll get straight at Evergreen
(They say buttsex makes me moldy)

E-E-E-Evergreen E-E-Evergreen...

Learning secret handshakes through a sheet cut with a slit
Wearing stupid hats and aprons makes me want to shit
Just got felt up by an old man with a nasty cough
All this violation and he didn't get me off

Can't guess my, can't guess my, no you can't guess my Temple Name
(Chances are you've got the same one)
Don't like my, don't like my, no I don't like my Temple Name
(My wife's is Rhoda that's a lame one)

T-T-T-Temple name T-T-Temple name...

I read the scriptures every night before I sleep
Triple combination helps me be a perfect sheep
Even though I'm boinking every woman that I meet
As long as I've got garments on my wife won't ever see

Wearin' my, wearin' my, I'm wearin' Magic Underwear
(My T-back's hiding underneath)
Can't see my, Can't see my, can't see my Magic Underwear
(But rip them off me with your teeth)

M-magic underwear Uh-Uh-Underwear...

Can't read my, can't read my no you can't read my Mormon Face
(Joseph Smith was a true Profit)
Don't beat my, don't beat my, no please don't beat my Mormon Face
(I have a zit but please don't pop it) [Yes, I'm stretching here]

M-m-m-Mormon face M-m-Mormon face
M-m-m-Mormon face M-m-Mormon face....

Mormon Girl

(Tune: "Part of Your World" from the Little Mermaid.) - created by anonymous


Look at my smile, isn't it great?
Wouldn't you think that I'd have a date?
Lookin' at me, yeah, you'd think,
She's got everything.

Look at my clothes, look at my face
Just once I'd like to go to a nice place
Fast food and dollar matinees
They're not everything.

I've got hair spray and makeup aplenty
I've used toothpaste and mouthwash galore
Wanna go Dutch? I've got a twenty
But who cares? No big deal- I want more.

I wanna be where the elders are
I want one for my eternal companion
One who's not afraid of...
What's that word again? OH ..Commitment

In institute class you don't get too far,
Dates are required for real romancin'
Hopin for an engagement...
What's the word? Ring

A guy who is fun, a guy who is cute,
A guy who looks real good in a suit.
I'm really great, who don't I date
I need a man!

What would I give if I could live in Salt Lake City?
What would I pay to spend a day on temple grounds?
Betcha they'd call if they weren't all just so intimidated
Sweet young maiden, sick of waitin'
Ready for more

And ready to know what the couples know
Ask `em my questions and get some answers.
What is a gentleman and why are they...
What's the word.....EXTINCT?!

Why can't they think and see me now?
I'm a woman worth more than eight cows!!!
I'm really great, why don't I date?
I need a man!!!

Mormon Girl

(Tune: an original created by George Yancey - 09/2001)


Verse 1:
   She doesn't know what to expect
   As she takes this next step,
   Hands the man her virgin card,
   Sees a smile she disregards.

Verse 2:
   No one knows why she really cries -
   Her whole life full of doubts and lies.
   The moment of truth, her chance to run,
   But in that brief moment the thinking's already been done.

Chorus:
   She removes her clothes and dons the robes, removes her clothes and dons
the robes.
   I guess that's just how she was raised.

   Never question anything, just follow along smiling,
   Make sure your money's all been paid.

   Such a happy, happy day to be afraid.

Verse 3:
   A secret name, a secret oath,
   She tries to forget them both.
   Veils her face with hands gone cold;
   Then she vows to do what she's told.

Chorus

Bridge:
   She struggles to hide her pain.
   Can't decide if she's gone insane.
   Throws on her apron, doesn't give 'em any lip.
   She's being suffocated by the patriarchal grip.

Verse 4:
   Strange markings on strange underwear.
   She stands up, raises her arm to the square,
   Bows her head says "yes" in turn,
   Secretly she swears never to return.

Chorus

The Mormon Girl

(Tune: "Southern Cross" by Stephen Stills" - created by Stray Mutt- 03/07/2009)

Got out of town on a plane to California
I had to run because she was followin' me
She was sayin’ we’d be married in the temple
And in nine months time, a papa I’d be

Off the plane and I headed to the warm beaches
Gimme eighty miles of waterline, nicely tanning babes
In a noisy bar in Malibu I thought I saw her
It was just her ghost, I realized, but still I ran away

(Think about) Think about how close I came – almost locked in
Promising sex with me 'til your parents walked in
That heaven you want for me has to be forgotten

I have been around the world
Runnin’ from that Mormon girl
Who "knows" I'll marry her
But I never will

When you see those Mormon girls for the first time
You have to ask yourself what made ‘em that way
'Cause they look so nice and normal on the outside
But their minds are a holy mess that worsens every day

So I'm warning you, my brothers, no, I’m not lyin’
‘Cause their love is an anchor tied to you - tied with celestial chains
Abandon ship before the knots start tyin’
Don’t let her know you left, and then forget her name

(Think about) Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits abusing me, priesthood leaders callin'
That heaven you want for me has to be forgotten

I have been around the world
Runnin’ from that Mormon girl
Who "knows" I'll marry her
But I never will
No, never will

Well she pleaded and she cried and she tested.
And I never failed to fail; there was no way of me pleasing you
I will survive once I’m rested
Somebody fine will come along – Peter Priesthood is there for you
Oh, the Mormon girl

Mormonism is all a BIG FAT Liiiieeeeee

(Tune: "She's So High" by Tal Bachman - created by Polygamy "the" Porter- 6/11/2005)

God is blood, flesh and bone
old joe smith bemoaned
Even touch, smell, sight and sound...

But somehow I can't believe
That any of that ACTUALLY happened
I know too much to belong
And know nothing like that did happen
yeah, yeah

(Chorus from Mo'tab sounding choir)

'Cause it is all a big fat lie.........
What I thought was high above me, is so ugly
A big fat lie.........
Like golden plates, priesthood power, or polygamy
All a big fat lie.........
All well below me, now now

Mormons think they are first class and fancy free
and high above society
Like they have the best of everything

Mormons Calling

(Tune: "London Calling" by the Clash - Stray Mutt - 12/30/2002)

Mormons calling
From the stake and the ward
We tell them again
We're through being bored
Mormons calling
From the underworld
Come sit in the meetings
You boys and girls
Mormons calling
Put the bishop on hold
And order call blocking
It's better than gold
Mormons calling
See we ain't coming back
Not even for Christmas
Get used to it Jack

Assigned friends are knocking
We don't let 'em in
Cookies and small talk
That trick is wearing thin
Ensigns keep coming
They go in the trash
Mormons in temples but I play by the river

Mormons calling
On our unlisted phone
Forget it brethren
Just leave us alone
Mormons calling
Like the zombies of death
They need a new teacher
Well don't hold your breath
Mormons calling
And we don't wanna shout
But while you were preaching
We saw you nodding out
Mormons calling
See the life that we built
Free of delusions
Anxiety and guilt

We threw out our garments
The sun is on our skin
Sleep late on Sundays
And a little carnal sin
You say we're in error
But we have no fear
Mormons in meetings but I play by the river


Now get this

Mormons calling
Yeah we've done it too
An' you know what they said?
Well none of it was true
Mormons calling
Want to put us on trial
Well, after all this
It just makes us smile

Mormons calling

We never felt so much alive alive alive alive...

Mormons in Love

(Tune: "Lawyers in Love" by Jackson Browne - created by Stray Mutt 02/02/2003)

I can't believe the crap that's going on
I guess it's time I should be moving on
I've been behind the scenes, I know just what it means
I'm not the only one who sees the schemes
And the tangled lies of Mormons in love

God sent the Nephites to America, the beautiful
They land at Temple Square and there we are, the dutiful
Dressed for the final days, soaked in a Jell-O glaze
Waiting for Joseph Smith while Jesus plays
A lesser role for Mormons in love

Last night I watched the news from BYU, the prophet spoke
He talked for hours without saying much, he's blowing smoke
The Lord is coming soon to Quakers on the moon
This message beamed into my living room
By the Holy Ghost and Mormons in love

Mormons Look Strange

(Tune: "People are Strange" by the Doors - created by drstevej - 04/18/2003)

Mormons look strange, wearin' those undies
Dunkin' a proxy, cause you're gone.

Prophets get randy, when you are nubile
New revelation, if you should frown.

When you've no brain - prozac makes you feel sane (sane) (sane)
When you've no brain - you want to change the King James
When you've no brain - When you've no brain - When you've no br-ain

(To the tune of Jackson Browne's "Fountain of Sorrow")

Mountain of Sorrow

(Tune: "Fountain of Sorrow" by Jackson Browne - created by Stray Mutt - 06/20/2003)

Looking through some photographs I took at Temple Square
I was taken by a photograph of you
Your parents and your family beside you standing there
Bearing testimony that the church was true
You had just been through the temple for your first time
And it took your childish trusting by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of terror in your eyes

Now the things there in the temple seem so distant and so small
Though they really felt important at the time time
When I swore my oaths I hoped it wasn't happening at all
As I slashed my throat and made the secret signs
When you see through faith's illusions, there lies the stranger
And your perfect Mormon just looks like a perfect fool
Who lives a life of fear and trembling from God's righteous anger
While the emptyiness comes to suck up his joy like a vacuum in a pool

Mountain of sorrow, mountain of lies
You've known that hollow sound of your own prayers at night
You've had to hide your doubts, but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight

Now for you and me it may not be that hard to find the door
But that family battle never seems to end
And the future's there for anyone to change, yeah, there's so much more
But there's still some fences that I need to mend
I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at faith's pain and heartache school
Where you feel so free but the scars are still there to remind you
There's this happiness springing up in your life like a fountain from a pool

Mountain of sorrow, mountain of lies
You've known that hollow sound of your own prayers at night
You've had to hide the truth, but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight


Mountain of sorrow, mountain of lies
You've known that hollow sound of your own prayers at night
You've had to struggle, you've had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight
You could be laughing at me, you've got the right
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright

Mountain Meadows Massacre

(Tune: "Book Of Mormon Stories” – Children’s Songbook #118 - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

Mountain Meadows Massacre
In Utah History,
Didn’t happen quite like I
Was taught and did believe.
I was taught that Lamanites
Were plotting to deceive.
John D. Lee
And his boys,
Were guilt free!

In my Utah hist’ry class
This travesty I learned,
Wasn’t caused by Lamanites
That’s patently absurd!
Bishops and high councilmen
Consumed by righteous rage,
They’d exact
God’s revenge,
For the saints!

Immigrants from Arkansas
Had nothing to suspect.
They were simply passing through
To greener pastures west.
When at once their wagons were
Surrounded by a mob.
Terrified,
They complied,
On the spot.

Mormons then collected weapons
From the Fancher group.
In return they guaranteed
A safe sure passage through.
When the Mormons saw their chance
The cry rang loud and strong:
‘Brethren your
Duty do,
For our God!’

Cries and screams reverberated
Off the mountainsides.
As the Mormons set to work
With guns and Bowie knifes.
Men and women, children too
Were murdered savagely!
Mormons shed
Gentile blood
Rightously!

A cent’ry and a half has passed
Since this event took place.
Still the Mormons refuse to
Acknowledge their disgrace.
Prophets and church lawyers deny
Culpability.
To preserve
Such a pure
Legacy.

My Favorite Things

(Tune: "My Favorite Things" with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein - created by Cattle Mutilator - 02/03/2003)

Men in green aprons and white cotton sashes
Uncomfortable garmies that give me butt rashes
Boring sheet music that sure doesn't swing
These are a few of my favorite things

Six foot tall moonmen who dress just like Quakers
Cureloms and cumoms and horses like tapirs
White baker's hats and CTR rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Brown colored peepstones and lost golden plates
Urims and Thummins and dozens of mates
Reformed Egyptian with rites for dead kings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the phone rings
And the ward calls
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Nobody Loves Me But My Bishop And He Could Be Jivin' Me Too

(Tune: the old blues tune of "My Baby's Just Like an Angel and I Love the Way She Spreads Her Wings" created by Lady DB - 11/1999)

Well, nobody loves me but my bishop, and he could be jivin' too
Nobody loves me but my bishop, and Lord, he could be jivin' too
He tells me I'm celestial bound, but I gotta be, gotta be tithing too.

He told the congregation, not to smoke and cuss or drink
Yeah he told the congregation, not to smoke or cuss or drink
And the worst of all the sinners, they taught themselves to think.

Now I'm standing outside the temple, the rain is pouring down
I'm standing outside the temple, and the rain is pouring down
But I didn't pay my ten percent, and now I'm Outer Darkness bound.

Oh nobody loves me but my bishop, and he could be jivin' too
Nobody loves me but my bishop, and he could be jivin' too
Cause I didn't pay my tithing, oh what is this rich girl to do?
Cause I didn't pay my money, what is this rich bitch to do?
Oh nobody loves me but my bishop, and he....could be jivin......too.....

No One Really Knows The Morning

(Tune: "Oh How Lovely Was the Morning" - 03/13/2007 - created by Enigma)

No one really knows the morning
Joseph prayed amidst the trees.
Joseph told us 1820,
Or was it 1823?
While we guess he had a vision,
Was it God or just his Son?
He told us he had a heav’nly vision,
He just couldn’t recall quite which one.

FARMS and FAIR they have the answer;
Joe was simply young and shy.
Why to listen to their rhet’ric
All the anti’s have lost their minds.
But the prophet said in ’38
He was bullied and abused.
When he told of his mirac’lous vision
He said everyone thought him a kook.

Mormons base their testimonies
On this grand and glorious tale.
But if you should dare to question,
Your soul will sent to hell.
While the Mormons can’t pin down the date
When old Joe received the light,
Facts will never dissuade the faithful
From knowing that they’re always right.

Numb At Church

(Tune: "Love At Home" - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
There is numbness all around,
When I go to church.
Yada-Yada is the sound,
Makes my stomach lurch.

Bishop Rick, self-deified.
Think-in-Sync, or step aside.
Stepford package, neatly tied.
When I go to church.

chorus:
Numb at church, numb at church.
Glazed and dazed, an empty search.
Get your "numbs" at church.

2.
Smiley fellows all around,
Wearing suits and ties.
Shake my hands, and shake me down.
Perpetuate those lies.

Testimonkies 'round me rot.
Fit the mold and grin a lot.
Seek for truth and find it not.
When I go to church.

chorus:
Numb at church, numb at church.
Glazed and dazed, an empty search.
Get your "numbs" at church.

Oh Little Town of Salt Lake City

(Tune: O' Little Town of Bethlehem" created by Brigham Smith - 11/1999)

Oh little town of Salt Lake City,
how deep your evil lie,
with Brigham Young,
made of human dung,
the bells of hell he rung.

Oh, Say What Is Is Truth?

(4 extra verses that were mistakenly left out of the hymn book - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
Oh, say what is truth? It depends which year;
Let the PR department decide....
If our loyalty's clear to the prophet and seer,
Our ever-changing history will be perfectly clear,
And a warm fuzzy spirit will guide.

2.
All truth is dispensed as we need to know.
And the HieGuys decide what we need.
Some truth isn't useful to gods-in-embryo.
In diligent oblivion we're going with the flow;
Staunch, unquestioning faith is our creed.

3.
Oh, say what is truth in regards to god?
It's whatever we want it to be;
And we want it in line with an old iron rod.
The thinking has been done by our leaders - unflawed.
And we love flex-i-ble history.

4.
Oh, say what is truth? It's behind which door?
We can choose *not* to seek, ask or knock.
Exercising our faith doesn't mean keeping score.
Tho' spiritual mysteries may dumb-us-down s'more,
We're the *worthiest* lambs in the flock.

Oh Where The Hell Is Kolob?

(Sung to the tune of “If You Could Hie To Kolob” #284 - created by Enigma - 03/12/2007)

Oh where the hell is Kolob?
Is it up there in the sky?
Or in Joe’s imagination
Like gold plates or Nephi?
Do you think that with a telescope
We could ever hope to see,
Fixed stars or gov’ning planets
With names like Kokaubeam?

This world-view is eccentric,
It muddles space and time.
These writings are all nonsense,
Reflecting Joseph’s mind.
Egyptian scrolls and writing
We presently can see,
Have no direct relation
To Joe’s cosmology.

The church is in a pickle,
Its scholars in distress.
Thank God for hacks like Nibley,
Who obfuscate the mess.
But what to tell the world when
This subject rears its head?
We’ll say that Abraham penned
The first Book of the Dead!

Smithmas Mormon LDS Joseph Smith Christmas craze.

O little town of Sharon

12/01/2006 - created Grape Nephi

O little town of Sharon,
How still we see thee lie;
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by;
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light.
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight.

For Joe is born of Lucy,
And gathered all above,
While mortals sleep the angels keep
Their watch of wondering love.
O morning stars, together
Proclaim the holy birth !
And praises sing to Joe the King,
of Israel and the earth !

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is given !
And so it starts and He imparts
The blessings of Mormon heaven.
No one should fear His coming;
But please ignore the din,
Where antis will revile Him still,
But dear Joe will always win.

O holy Child of Sharon,
Descend to us, we pray;
Bring all our kin and enter in,
Be with us now we pray.
We hear the Smithmas angels
The great glad tidings tell,
O come to us, abide with us,
Our King so with us dwell !

O MO Godling

(Tune: How Great Thou Art - created by White Mountain - 01/16/2004)

O MO godling, You pre-mortal wonder
Consider all, the brides that you can lay

You hear the sneers, You hear the gentiles' bluster
But Joe holds, the key to heavenly foreplay

So wear you roos, Your sacred underwear
How great you art! How great you art!

Onan's (lack of) Courage

(Tune: Nephi's Courage"see Genesis 38:7-10 - created by soupyet.com - 09/08/2005)

The Lord commanded Onan
to screw his brother's wife
Onan didn't want to
that's how he lost his life

Onan was sneaky
or maybe he was gay
So he choked his chicken
to avoid the lay

I will go, I will screw
whomever God commands
I know that God must be obeyed
I musn't be afraid


I will go, I will screw
whomever God commands
I know I mustn't be afraid
He wants to get me laid

Onward, Borgy Soldiers!

(Tune: Onward, Christian Soldiers - created by MaKolob 1998)

Priesthood Version:

1.

Onward, borgy soldiers, in a baptist war.
Fortify our numbers, goin' door-to-door.
We've got keys and power; we can curse the foe.
Market research tells us that warm fuzzies gotta flow.

chorus:
Onward, borgy soldiers.
March to Hinckley's beat.
We know god's on our side.
We can take the heat.

2.
Onward then, ye elders; awaken and arise.
Don your garments, armed with faith-promotin' lies.
Milk for meat our fortress; noble is the cause.
Laugh off little couplets; revise all written flaws.

chorus:
Onward, borgy soldiers.
In a righteous war,
To the baptist rhetoric,
Rhetoric back some more.

Relief Society Version:

Grin and bear it, sisters; never lose your smile.
Flowers on long dresses; ladylike, your style.
Sustain without complaining, blessings you will get.
Remember what's required of you: Keep off the Internet!!!!!!!!!

chorus:
Grin and bear it, sisters.
Till the battle's won.
Do not tax your sweet brains;
The thinking has been done.

Primary Version:

Popcorn pops on fruit trees; Mama pops her pills.
Dad's out fightin' baptists; Mama fights the bills.
Tithing is expensive; got eight mouths to feed.
The chapel doors may talk to me, but don't care what I need.

chorus:
I'm a righteous follower,
I have learned the game.
If I don't grow up "worthy,"
Mom will take the blame.

Onward Christian Soldiers

by Kizu Kudasai 1997

Onward Mormon worship band,
hypnotize the throng,
do it in the Lord's name,
then it can't be wrong.
Empty, trusting hearts and minds,
begging to be filled,
we won't disappoint them,
they have come to yield.
Chorus:
Onward Mormon worship band,
hypnotize the throng,
do it in the Lord's name,
then it can't be wrong.

Start with something real upbeat,
lift their spirits high,
We'll stop thoughts from Satan,
they won't have to try.
Slow the beat to worshipful,
ease them into praise,
build intense emotions
till every hand is raised.

When each soul is swaying,
focused on up high,
modulate up one fifth,
wring each eye that's dry.
Everyone now touched of God,
feel the Spirit move,
ushered to the Throne of God
because we work the groove.

Then a hush falls on the crowd,
Pastor takes the stand
speaking now of breakthrough,
led by God's own hand.
Every heart confirms the truth
They heard what they seek,
God has waved His magic wand so
they'll be back next week.

Palmyra

(Tune: "Elvira" by Oak Ridge Boys) created by drstevej - 09/06/2003

So I'm diggin' in
Palmyra, Palmyra
My bosom's on fire in Palmyra
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mormon
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mormon
Hie-to Kolob, away

Panic in Salt Lake

(Tune: "Panic in Detroit" by David Bowie) created by Stray Mutt - 12/31/2002

He looked a bit like Morley Safer
But without the tan
Pockets stuffed with Christian papers
Bible thumping man
He's working the plaza
Of the Church of the Latter-days

Panic in Salt Lake
A gentile's at the gates
He's witnessing Jesus
Get Gordon on the phone

Panic in Salt Lake

Standing in Moroni's shadow
The preacher shared the Word
Men in black with walkie-talkies
Gestapo for the Lord
They shackled the stranger
And hauled his ass to jail

Panic in Salt Lake
They made it a federal case
But there was an easement
The right to speak prevailed

Panic in Salt Lake

Putting on some pants I made my way downtown    
A little bit of Paris next to Temple Square
I stayed a while but there was nothing going on    
Just normal people doing very normal things    

Having paid eight million dollars
They claimed they owned the rights
Lawyers shout across the table
Under media lights
I sat in the plaza
Had me a smoke or two.

Panic in Salt Lake
The church always gets its way
Offered a land swap
And Rocky said "Okay"

Panic in Salt Lake

Panic in Salt Lake.

Pay Your Tithing!

(Tune: “Put Your Shoulder To The Wheel”) created by Enigma - 03/13/2007

The church has need of dollars, euros,
Yen and pesos too!
We don’t care if you starve to death,
Your ten percent is due!

[Chorus]

Pay your tithing though you can’t afford to eat!
We don’t care if you have shoes on your feet!
We’ll build a mall
As you give all
And your children starve next week!

The bishop he will seal your fate,
If you should fail to pay.
Your temple recommend he’ll yank
If you show lack of faith!

[Repeat Chorus]

From doctrines like polygamy
And Adam-God we’ve strayed.
We’ve only one true principle,
Your tithing must be paid!

[Repeat Chorus]

The Phallus Rod

(Tune: The Iron Rod) created by the wives of Tom Green - 05/30/2001

To Tom Green, stud of modern time, A vision came from God,
Wherein the lusty word sublime was shown a phallus rod.

Hold to the rod, seduce a virgin bod; a fourteen year old or two.
My throbbing rod points right to God; 'Twill legally let us screw.

While on our honeymoon we go, Flexing my priesthood's pow'r,
Savoring the afterglow, of a fresh new wife each hour.

I'm no fraud, in the eyes of God; Joseph and Brigham did this too.
Be it polygamy or just bigamy; either one will do.

When the Attorney General's pow'r is nigh, Our compound crowded over,
Upon my rod we can rely, And "Heaven's Gate" implore.

Hold to my rod, pencil size n' odd; When Hinckley states polygamy's now through.
My phallus rod, the media will laud; with headlines not a few.

Pioneers Popping On the Wagon Train

(Tune: Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree) created by Primus and Anubis- 02/01/2009

I peered out the wagon
And what did I see?
Mormon Pioneers Pointing
Guns at me!

Crossing Mountain Meadows
Really changed my life
Family getting shot
Right before my eyes!

I can take a shotgun
And make a Stand.
Drop the gun
As a bullet rips my hand.

This wasn't really so
It had to be dream
Why were God's Chosen People
Shooting at me!? - Primus

I peeked out the wagon
and what horrors did I see!
Mormon Danites
shooting at papa and me!

Stopping at Mormon country
really screwed my life
papa and family
dropping before my eyes!

I can't lift a gun
or take a stand
because papa's guts
are being held in by my hand!

I was eight years old
and will never forget that scene!
Hell on earth because
Brigham Young really was that mean! - Anubis

Plastic Hinckley

(Tune: "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs)created by Stray Mutt - 09/19/2004

I don't care if I crash and I die
Long as I got my gold Moroni
Glued to the dashboard of my car
Blowing trumpet in his nightie
Represents the Lord Almighty
Way up yonder on that Kolob star

Gold Moroni, gold Moroni
Temple topper riding on my dash
Gold Moroni, gold Moroni
He will save me if I ever crash.

Get yourself a six-inch Hinckley
Dressed in white, he's pale and wrinkley
Can't get lost if you just follow him
He will guide you past temptation
If you make a small donation
And if you obey his every whim

Plastic Hinckley, plastic Hinckley
Following the prophet when I drive
Plastic Hinckley, plastic Hinckley
Lord's anointed almost looks alive

Plural Marriage

(Tune: “Love and Marriage” created by Steve Powell)

Plural marriage, plural marriage,
Do it in the back of Brigham’s carriage,
Or in Joseph’s buggy.
You’ll all feel positively huggy.

Go to Norway or to England
Gather women who are married or single and
Have them dump their worse life:
Just bring them home to join your first wife.

If your luck is such that God calls
You on a mission.
You’ll have time to troll for women,
You'll ... go women fishin’!

If you want the highest heaven,
You should prob’ly marry six or seven,
Don’t delay, hop to it.
You can’t get in,
You can’t get in,
The top degree
If you don’t do it.

You can marry all your neighbors,
Or a relation.
Don’t think they can get around it,
It's ... a revelation.

Bigamy, cohabitation,
This is how our boys will save this nation,
If they have their druthers,
They’ll have more wives,
And they’ll have kids,
And the kids will have
A bunch of mo-uh-uh-uh-uh-thers.

Polished Public Relations

(Tune: "Battle Hymn Of The Republic” #60" 04/01/2007 by Enigma

I’ve watched amazed as Gordon Hinckley obfuscates the truth,
He’s prevaricated on core doctrines I learned in my youth.
It seems that he’ll say anything to make the church look good,
His doctrine is PR!

[Chorus]

Polished public relations,
Spreads the church across the nations!
Doctrine’s not but speculation,
It’s all about PR!

We once were taught that men like God eventu’lly would become;
But now that’s “just a couplet” and it’s not expounded on.
While polygamy’s “not doctrine” we have yet to strike it from
Our sacred holy books!

[Repeat Chorus]

Prophet Hinckley doesn’t care if he denies what’s been revealed,
If he can find more palms to grease he’ll do what e’er he will!
But when he's at the pulpit he will tell you that he still
Respects and loves the truth!

[Repeat Chorus]

Praise to the Web

(Tune: "Praise to the Man" 05/03/2003 by Pravda of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Praise to the web, bringing news from all over! Gives us more knowledge than prophet or seer.
Revealing the facts about horny con artists, garmies and handshakes and Joe's love for beer.

Chorus:
Hail to the data, we send it to servers! Traitors and tyrants now fight it in vain.
Across the globe, truth exposes the bretheren, lies cannot conquer its spread again.

Praise to the memory of hard drives and RAM chips; They store the doings of the corporate game!
Long shall they keep smoking guns about bloodshed, those in denial will soon feel the flame!

(Chorus)

Great are its newsgroups and endless its chat rooms. Ever and ever the facts will be told.
Of multiple wives, Danites, slaves and racism, cureloms and horses, and fake plates of gold.

(Chorus)

Connecting brings forth and end to their haven; Earth now can see trhough the B.S. of that man.
Wake up and walk from the cult that he started. Millions now know what 'ol Joseph has done.

(end with Chorus)

Preach It

(Tune: "Beat It" by Elder Michael Jackson - 04/19/2002 - created by Matthew of the Recovery Bulletin Board)

They came and asked if I knew why I was here
They said I wouldn't know why by drinkin' beer
They said they had this book whose words were really clear
So preach it, just preach it

You better read, better learn as much as you can
Read all about Moroni, read all about Nephi-man
Learn how chopping off Laban's head can make you inspired
Just preach it, but you wanna read the Bible

Just preach it, preach it, preach it
Learn about Teancum's javelin
Don't ask what cummons or cureloms are
It doesn't matter, you'll still be inspired
Just preach it, preach it, preach it
Preach it, preach it, preach it

You have to show them that you really want to join
Make your baptism commitment and gird up your loin
They dunk you and they confirm you
And tell you you're worthy
So preach it, but you wanna be an Elder

So preach it, preach it, preach it, preach it
Show them that you are worthy
Pay all your tithing, and your fast offering
It doesn't matter where the money goes
Just preach it, preach it, preach it, preach it
Preach it
Preach it
Preach it

The Priesthood Was Restored!

(Tune: "The Priesthood Is Restored” – Children’s Songbook #89 - created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

The priesthood was restored!
At least that’s what’s implied.
He said that angles came to earth.
Way back in ’29!

In eighteen thirty-four,
Old Joe is in a bind.
He’s loosing credibility!
To save himself he tells this lie!

He told the saints he saw
St. Peter, John and James.
And John the Baptist visually!
First-hand accounts make no such claims.

Redacted though it seems
These fabled myths must be,
Still Mormons claim authority.
Too bad there’s no such thing!

Profit MaN

(Tune: "Rocket Man by Elton John" Created by Stray Mutt 02/02/2003)

I wrote my speech last night -- real trite
Conference time once again
And I'm gonna be lying to the saints by ten
Don¹t miss the truth so much, the spin¹s my life
I¹m feeling no disgrace
I¹m such a mindless blight

And I think I¹m going to tell another lie
I¹ve told some whoppers, that I can¹t deny
I¹m not the man they think I am at all
Oh no no no, I¹m the profit man
Profit man running up a scam on everyone

This ain¹t the kind of church to raise your kids
It screws them up like hell
And there's no one there to save them if you did
And all this doctrine I don¹t understand
It¹s just my job, give me a break
A profit man, a profit man

And I think I¹m going to tell another lie
I¹ve told some whoppers, that I can¹t deny
I¹m not the man they think I am at all
Oh no no no, I¹m the profit man
Profit man running up a scam on everyone

And I think I¹m going to tell another lie...

Prophet

(Tune: "Taxman, by the Beatles" - 06/11/2006 - created by Webz of the recovery bulletin board)

Let me tell you how it will be
The 12 million of you all work for me
'cause I'm the Prophet,
yeah, I'm the Prophet

Should ten percent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all
'cause I'm the Prophet,
yeah, I'm the Prophet

If you like to work, we'll get on neat
If you try to know, I'll use deceit
If you're young and stupid, Go out and teach
"Can man become God?", Dunno if that's what I preach...
Prophet!

'Cause I'm the Prophet,
Yeah, I'm the Prophet

Don't ask me what your tithe is for (ha ha pretty malls)
If you want blessings pay some more (ha ha look at me!)
'cause I'm the Prophet,
yeah, I'm the Prophet

Now my advice for men who die
Get started collecting all your wives
'cause I'm the Prophet,
yeah, I'm the Prophet
And you're working for no God but me

Push your baby through your loins!

(Tune: "Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel" created by Kolobkremedonuts - 02/02/2005)

The church has need of sweet young girls
With child bearing hips.
Yes, marry young
Let your man have some
To your hubby's will submit!

(chorus)

Push your baby through your loins
Push along
Through your labor with a heart full of song
You married the jerk
This is Woman's work
Push your baby through your loins!

Put Your Garments On

(Tune: "Woke Up This Morning a.k.a Theme to Sopranos by A3" created by Stray Mutt - 03/30/2004)

You woke up this morning
Put your garments on
Your father said you’d be a
Chosen One.
You got your calling, election
You've got your free ride
‘Cause you were born under the cov’nant
With a bloodline on your side

You woke up this morning
At the temple before dawn
Dad’s an apostle
And you can’t do nothing wrong
But you're, but you're living good, buddy
Because you know you’re next in line (dream about it)
Born under the cov’nant
With a bloodline on your side

Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning

You woke up this morning
Got no cause to frown
Lord above, you married Hinckley’s daughter
Now you nearly own this town
But you're, but you're one in a million
You've got that G.A. shine (smug about it)
Born under the cov’nant
With a bloodline on your side (use it now)

Woke up this morning
Got a bloodline…Got a bloodline on your side
Woke up this morning
God loves…God loves you much better
Woke up this morning
Got a bloodline…Got a bloodline on your side
Woke up this morning

(rap)

When you woke up this morning, put your garments on
With your last name, yeah, life is like a sweet song
Mormon royalty from your head down to your toes
The Saints want to kiss your ass wherever you may go
Last night you were flying in Huntsman’s plane, you know
Doing deeds for the Brethren, their fingerprints will never show
The deals they have done, the bribes they have paid
To thugs, thieves and politicians looking to get laid
You don't need to know the doctrine
You don’t ever need to think
You pick up your paycheck with a nod and a wink
You’re a prince, you’re getting your chance before long, 'cause
When you woke up this morning you put your garments on

Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning
You gonna be a Chosen One

Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning
Woke up this morning
Put your garments on
Put your garments on
Put your garments on

Put Your Hand On My Shoulder

created by Tyson Dunn - 01/06/2007

Put your hand on my shoulder
Check me for my garms, baby
Squeeze me oh so tight
Feel me for my underwear....

Put me in the right light, dear
Won't you scan me once, baby
Just look for that smile, maybe
You'll see if I'm worthy still

Some people say leaving's a game
A game you just can't win
If there's a way
I'll find it someday
Till then these fools still rush in, and....

Put their hands on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear, "Brother,"
What they want to know, "Tell me,"
"Do you wear your garments still?"

Put your hand on my shoulder, feel around

(Tune: Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel) - by Pretty in Pink - 01/11/2007

Put your hand on my shoulder…feel around
If it’s garmies that you seek…feel around
When garmies get you hot, but wear’n them I’M NOT
Put your hand on my shoulder…feel around

Put your hand on my leg…feel around
When it’s garmie lines you want…feel around
You wear them all the time, but for me they’re too damn hot
Put your hand on my leg…feel around

Put your hand on my neck …feel around
You lift my shirt and look …feel around
Garmies are so neat, you can’t but help and peek
Put your hand on my neck…feel around

Ramblin' Prose

(Tune: "Ramblin' Rose" created by Stray Mutt - 12/22/2004)

Ramblin’ prose
Ramblin’ prose
Why they read you
No one knows
It came to pass
Filled with bombast
Pulled from Joe’s ass
This ramblin’ prose

Ramble on
Ramble on
Tortured syntax
Grammar’s wrong
It’s exceeding
Dreadful reading
We’re not needing
Your ramblin’ prose

Ramblin’ prose
Ramblin’ prose
Why believe you?
Heaven knows
Don’t care if you
Claim it’s all true
I can’t get through
That ramblin’ prose

(Spoken)
One more time, everybody, now

Ramblin’ prose
Ramblin’ prose
Why they read you
No one knows
It came to pass
Filled with bombast
Pulled from Joe’s ass
This ramblin’ prose

Rashing and tearing

(Tune: "Gummi Bears theme from Disney Afternoons" created by soothseeker - 06/14/2004)

Rashing and tearing
Contagious, uncaring,
Endure-to-the-endly
testimonies to bear.
All through the morass
We know they're not for us
Filling the vent with their scent of despair.

CHORUS:

Underwear.
Garmies here and there and everywhere.
Business venture no one else would dare:
Control all the underwear.

Magic and mystery
Are part of their history
Along with the secret
Oaths and the tokens too.
Their business is growing.
They take pride in snowing.
They'll fight all that's right
In whatever they do.

CHORUS

Sacrament (Welcome Home)

(Tune: Metallica's "Welcome Home - Sanitarium Albumn" created by Matthew of the Recovery Bulletin Board - 12/08/2001)

Welcome to sacrament meeting
No one leaves and no one can
Talks are the same, never seems to change
Same old boring testimonies
Hear the same thing every week
Seventy minutes left in sight
With closed doors, with deacon guards
Let's us know no one will disturb

Sleep my friend and you will see
Bishop's eyes watching thee
Speakers drone on about nothing
Can't they see this religions so lame?

Sacrament meeting, long as can be
Sacrament meeting, just get it over with.

I wonder what's going on out there
A football game on the TV
Scolding me for not staying home
Telling me that I'm insane
Bishop thinks I tithe every week
Ten percent more like zero percent
Keep on wishing, it's your illusion
But I'm not going to Priesthood

No more can they keep me here
Listen, Bishop, I won't take it
He thinks he's God, He thinks he's great
Asking boys if they mastrubate

Sacrament meeting, really boring
Sacrament meeting, just get this over with
Sacrament meeting, just get this over with

Can't wait to get on
I am getting restless now
Feel like walking out
Got better things to do
Rather watch football
Bishop, he is such a loser
Only a dork like him
Would like sitting in here.

Salt Lake City

created by Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons - winter 1997

This fuckin' blows, another unresolved exchange.
And God only knows, I could use someone or somewhere to blame.
My view from the porch, I see a cold and faceless town
Still, if there was somewhere to go, I'd go there and hang around
The angel on the temple, plays a silent horn again
I've got a funny feeling, the flock he guards won't let me in, today

The word on the street, is muffled, choked and hard to hear
I'd look to the mountains, but I've got to wait for inversions to clear
There's a city of angels, there's a city of lights
This is the city of vacant looks, questionable Gods, and multiple wives
The angel on the temple, he's in a silent way
I've got a feeling, he's kind of blue today

Here in Salt Lake City.
Sometimes this city feels like the only place we've ever been
Salt Lake City, come a little closer and let me lick the salt again

Chiva, soda, chiva, a message to you from Jesus
Days like these I get them both confused
Missionaries and mexican drug dealers
It's all in the language that you use
The angel on the temple, plays a song for me
But I'm to blind to hear, and I'm too deaf to see

I know why you left me, I still blame this town for that.
Salt Lake City, you swear your never coming back.
I'm sending you a postcard, it's a wagon full of pioneers.
Greetings from the Zion Kingdom, see you in a couple years

Samoa Temple Burning

(Tune: Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" dedicated to the Samoa Temple that burned down July 2003 created by Brainbutter - 07/11/2003

They all came to Samoa
on the south pacific shoreline
to trade tokens in the temple
and to toe the party line.
G-Hinkley and the big twelve
dedicated it safe and sound.
But some morgbots with their bosoms
burned the place to the ground.
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

They went to the endowment house
to hold to the iron rod.
I guess it wasn't the best thought
to sing "The Spirit of God".
When it all was over
they had to find another place.
But nowhere else was secret enough
to teach doctrines from outer space
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

They'll fix it new like old Nauvoo
it'll be a big FPR.
Remember the good, forget the bad
look only where successes are.
Near misses are a miracle
while this is swept under the rug.
They'll claim it's just a test of your faith.
Mormon hubris is like a drug.
Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

September Six

(Tune: "A Poor Way Fairing Man Of Grief” # 29" created by Enigma - 03/26/2007)

Lynne Kanavel Whitesides; femenist
Of Heav’nly Mother oft she spoke.
In lectures, forums, firesides
Church lemmings wrote down copious notes.
The first of six to face the whip
Of Mormon-sanctioned censorship;
Church leaders did dear Lynne condemn,
Disfellowshipped by ignorant men!

Up next is Avraham Gileadi
His story is a mystery
Prolific scholar of ancient Jews
Isaiah’s writings he perused.
When from store shelves his books were pulled
His excommunication bode.
Apparently he liked abuse
He’s re-baptized and active too.

Now Paul Toscano liked to think
That true expression should be free.
Trained in litigious argument,
He championed sanctity of dissent.
The Mormon tyrants in Salt Lake
Could not his independence take.
They pressed for strict conformity
And Paul was ex’ed for heresy!

Now here we’ve sister Maxine Hanks;
She championed women’s priesthood rank.
For feminine authority
She argued Mormon history
Allowed for female exercise
Of patriarchal priesthood rites.
Old chauvenist Mormons ire was culled;
Their witch hunt was a ‘court of love’!

Lavina Fielding Anderson
She edited the church Ensign.
A voice for the spiritually abused
Her writings lit the church’s fuse.
The perpetrators at Salt Lake
Could not her criticism take.
She was the next to get the ax
For merely publishing cold hard facts!

At last Historian D. Michael Quinn
Committed a most grievous sin;
He dared expose polygamy
Was lived well after eighteen – ninety.
And then he wrote of magic rocks,
Corrupted leaders and church-run shops.
His membership and job they took;
He is a martyr for the truth!

The Mormon Church proclaims to be
The pinnacle of decency.
But those who dare to cherish truth
Are met with torturous abuse!
And so September ‘93
Exemplifies church tyranny!
These deeds shall their memorial be;
A monument to bigotry!

Shake Hands Through to the Other Side

(Tune: "Break on Through (to the Other Side)" with apologies to The Doors created by Ben Siepmann - 07/29/2002)

You know the veil divides the room.
To cross through seals your doom,
Unless you heed
An old geezer's cry--
"Shake hands through to the other side!"
Shake hands through to the other side!
Shake hands through to the other side!
(Yeah!)

We swore our blood oaths there,
Which gave us all a scare.
And I still recall
That old geezer's cry--
"Shake hands through to the other side!"
Shake hands through to the other side!
Shake hands through to the other side!

Pay, lay, ale! Sign of the Nail!
Tithe's in the mail! Gag in a pail!
Say it! Pound it!
Pay it! Mop it!

You're dressed for a meeting of chefs--
For this you paid your tenth?
For "garments" that chafe and
That old geezer's cry--
"Shake hands through to the other side!"
Shake hands through to the other side!
Shake hands through to the other side!

We'll walk the temple from room to room,
Mural to mural, film to film.
The veil is closed,
But the geezer cries--

"Shake hands through to the other side!"
Shake hands through to the other side!
Shake hands through to the other side!
Shake hands through, shake hands through
Shake hands through, shake hands through
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, . . .

She Dates Just Like A Mormon

(Tune: Dylan's "Just like a Woman" created by Stray Mutt - 07/20/2001)

Nobody feels any pain
Prozac flowing in the veins
Feeling kind of blessed
In my Sunday best
Smiling, sitting separate from the rest
With no husband, no kids, and no hope

She dates just like a Mormon, yes she does
And she fakes love just like a Mormon, yes she does
And she bakes just like a Mormon
But she breaks just like a single girl

Old Gary, we're just friends
But I believe he'll love me in the end
Even though he's gay
Says he's made that way
I think we'll get married anyway
For appearances, if nothing else

She dates just like a Mormon, yes she does
And she fakes love just like a Mormon, yes she does
And she bakes just like a Mormon
But she breaks just like a single girl

If you're married, you’re a queen
If not, you're unseen
That’s the way it works
And this long-time curse hurts
But what's worse
Is this pain in here
I can't stay in here
Ain't it clear that

I just don't fit
The brethren make me feel like shit
Trying to play the part
Stepping on my heart
I'm not pretty, that's the ugly part
Of the priesthood and the power that they wield

She dates just like a Mormon, yes she does
And she fakes love just like a Mormon, yes she does
And she bakes just like a Mormon
But she breaks just like a single girl

She Felt Thigh

(Tune: "She's So High" by Tal Bachman) - 01/06/2007 - by Stray Mutt

She's from BYU
She does what co-eds do
She's checks if we’re temple bound

If I could just pass the test
Then anything could happen
But I am wrongly dressed
So nothing's gonna happen
No, no

'Cause she felt thigh...
Garments missing, she’s hissing
She felt thigh...
Now I’m unworthy, lost in sin, son of perdition
She felt thigh...
She can’t love me

Not all she should be
Not chaste or tarnish free
I know she’s faking everything

So with a guy like me
She’ll make an offer
Don’t tell her bishop, please
And I can have some of her

'Cause she felt thigh...
Garments lackin’, I’m packin’
She felt thigh...
Now I’m her boy toy, booty call, her secret lover
She felt thigh...
Want’s more of me

She loves to sleep with me
I’m happy as can be
'Cause what she wants is such a deal

Yeah, I knew it all along
That this was gonna happen
They sing the same old song
Then see what I'm packin'
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah

'Cause she felt thigh...
Garments lackin’, I’m packin’
She felt thigh...
Now I’m her boy toy, booty call, her secret lover
She felt thigh...
Want’s more of me

Smithmas in Utah

(Tune: "Christmas in Heaven" from Monty Python's Meaning of Life - " 12/07/2006 - created by D. P. Gumby)

It's Smithmas in Utah,
All the Sunbeams sing,
It's Smithmas in Utah,
Imagine such a thing.

It's Smithmas in Utah,
The snow falls on the ground,
There's lots of Joseph everywhere
But no Jesus to be found.

It's Smithmas in Utah,
Let's see what's on TV...
GA talks twice an hour
And Osmonds, one, two, three.

There's gifts for all the family,
There's quads, and Motab CDs...
The latest books by GBH
And Joe Smith DVDs!

It's Smithmas in Utah,
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray;
Every single day,
Is Smithmas day!

Smithmas Song as sung by Mel-chizedek Torme

(Tune: Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire - 12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Black tar roasting on an open fire,
Joe Smith tied up to a post.
White goose feathers being flung — it looks dire —
His gonads might be castra-toast!

Everybody knows: this turkey has been cheating them —
And they want to treat him right!
Burly guys exercising mayhem;
He'll find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know his pals are on their way,
They'll grab their phony prophet and begin to pray.
But the whole rowdy crowd is feeling high —
Cuz this big shot is gonna go home and cry.

And now I'm offering this simple song
To Mo's from nine to ninety-two.
Although it's been said
Many times, all night long:
Merry eXMos to you!

8^D

Some Church That I Used To Know

Tune: "Somebody I Used To Know by Gotye and Kimbra" - 11/10/2014 - created by cricket

[Former Mormon:]
Now and then I think of when I used to belong
Like when I said I felt so happy but I lied
Told myself this is the way for me
But felt so empty out of harmony
But that was then and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of madness
Like enduring to the end, always the end
So when I found it all made no sense
Well there was just no may to make amends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

Oh yes, I had to cut you off
Wishing being Mormon never happened and that it was nothing
And now you are not worthy of
My respect because your creepy cult behavior feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
To now ignore me and never care enough to ask me why
I guess that I'll let it show
Now you're just some church that I used to know

Now Joe and Brigham are just some prophets I used to know
Now free from insanity, let me go.

[The Mormon Church:]
Come on back now so again we can bend you over
Making you believe it was always something that you'd done
We want you to live this way
Living by every word we say
You really can't let us go
We are Jesus Christ's only true and living church you know

[Former Mormon:]
Oh yes I had to cut you off
Can't pretend it never happened and that you were nothing
Now it's about you not being worthy of
My respect, you're the stranger that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Take my time and money and treat me like a number
For sure I don't need that though
Now you're the church that I really got to know

[x2]
Some strange church
(I used to know)
So-called church
(Now you're just some oddity that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Fawn Brodie

Something About A Conference

(Tune: "Hark All Ye Nations" - 10/28/2002 created by Axel Donovan)

Hark all ye suckers
Conference is on
Hear all the GA's
Drone on and on
Hear all the same junk
They said back then
Lies shall be told again

How much more can I really take?
Two more hours and I can take a break
How many messages can they send?
When will this torture end?

Every first weekend
In fall and in spring
The twelve and the seventy
Repeat the same thing
Each speech much longer
Than the last one
Will they ever get done?

Eventually I will get my fill
I find it hard just to sit still
Can't we just stand and sing a hymn
These talks are really grim

Here comes another
Session of crap
Just skip the NyQuil
I'll take a nap
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
What is their point?
I just want to go home

I'm so glad they are finally done
See you koots in another six months
Were you'll say the same things
Again and Again
Lies will be told again

SPOKEN: Yawn! Is it over yet?

Sometimes thought-crimes

(Tune: "Rescue Rangers theme from Disney Afternoons" ) - created by soothseeker - 06/14/2004

Sometimes thought-crimes
Go slipping through the cracks
But these two groups do
Ad hominem attacks.
There's no scam too big, no sham too small
When you need help just call
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR. 'pologetics
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR. Stop the critics!
They make up phony tales. Once they're involved
Somehow whoever's wrong's absolved.
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR. 'pologetics
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR. Stop the critics!
They make up phony tales. They'll take the clues
And warp them with their half-baked truths.
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR. 'pologetics
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR. Stop the critics!
F-f-f-FARMS and FAIR.

Somewhere Over The Temple

(Tune: "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Judy Garland) - created by Spongemel - 02/28/2004

Somewhere over the temple
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the temple
Skies are blue,
And the prayers that you dare to pray
Really do come true.

Someday Joe wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
and front of him.
Moroni tells him what church
He has to join in end of search
That's where you'll find mo's.

Somewhere over the temple
Elders knocks.
Elders ride their bikes two by two.
Why then, oh why can't I?

Somewhere over the temple
Elders knocks.
Elders ride their bikes two by two.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little mormons sing
Beyond the temple
Why, oh why can't I?

Sore Knuckles

(Tune: Dylan's "Knockin on Heaven's Door". It's about an Elder who's sick of being an Elder. created by Joe - 3/2000)

Gotta put this badge on me
I can't stand it anymore.
I wish I'd smash my bike in a tree
I'm getting sick of knocking on people's doors

Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door

Bishop told me my testimony sounds bad
I can't stand him anymore.
Maybe I'll lose my voice; and have no sound
I'm getting sick of knocking on people's doors

Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on someone's door

Spirit-Brother in the Sky by Mormon Greenbaum

(Tune: "Spirit in the Sky" created by Brigham Smith 1/2000)

"When I die and they lay to me rest"
Gonna thank Brother Joe that I'm LDS
So I know that when I die
I'm goin off to Kolob,
Spirit-brother in the sky

SpongeElder Squaregarments

(Tune: "Spongebob squarepants' main theme" - created by Spongemel)

Prophet: Are ya ready kids?

Kids: Aye, aye, Boyd K.!

Prophet: I can't hear you!

Kids: AYE AYE, BOYD K.!

Prophet: Ohhhh......Who lives in a temple under the sea?

Kids: (SpongeElder Squaregarments!)

Prophet: Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!

Kids: (SpongeElder Squaregarments!)

Prophet: If nautical priesthood be something you wish,

Kids: (SpongeElder Squaregarments!)

Prophet: Then drop on the deck, and flop like a fish!

Kids: (SpongeElder Squaregarments!)

Prophet: Ready?

All: SPONGEELDER SQUAREGARMENTS, SPONGEELDER SQUAREGARMENTS, SPONGEELDER SQUAREGARMENTS

Prophet: SpongeElder.................Squaregarments!

Spoof to the Faith

(Tune: "Shall the Youth of Zion Falter" hymn #254 - 05/16/2004 - created by cricket)

Shall the youth of Zion falter In googling truth and right?

While the Lampoon assaileth, Shall they link or shun the fight? Yes!

True to the site that our parents have banished, True to the spoof of which many have cherished,

To Boyd's shegrin, soul, heart, and hand, Faithful and true we take a parody stand.

While we know the pentiums of M-Star* Seek to thwart the parody of God,

Shall the children of the Lampoon Cease to mock the iron rod? No!

True to the site that seminary teachers abhor, True to the spoof of which all our peers surely adore,

To our command, Soul, heart and mouse, Logic and truth is what we forever espouse.

We will work out our web surfing; We will cleave unto the mirth;

We will watch and play and surf With fervent zeal of youth. Yes!

Untrue to the faith for which the pioneers perished, True to the science BYU has not cherished,

To fraud's disband, soul heart and hand, Faithful and true we will ever stand.

We will strive to be found worthy of the Salamanders of Award,

With the funniest ones granted Who have coveted this reward. Yes!

True to save face that our GA's have shamed us, True to ouselves rather than those who have blamed us,

To our command, Soul, heart and hand, Self assured and true we will ever stand.

*M-Star is the church's own Internet Service Provider which contains a "scrubber" that keeps the Latter Day Lampoon from being accessed.

Stand By Joe-Man

(Tune: Stand By Your Man" - created by MaKolob - 1998 )

1.
Sometimes it's hard to be a mormon;
Singin' praises to a horny man.
"Em" had bad times; Joe had good times,
Doin' things she could not understand.

So Joe devised a revelation.
And "Em" submitted to her man.
She had to endure. He called his lust pure,
For after all it was god's plan.

chorus:
Stand by Joe-man.
And overlook his lustin'.
Cling to your testimonkey,
When history is disgustin'.
Stand by Joe-man.
And tell the church you love him.
Put up with everything you can.
Stand by Joe-man.

2.
Oh, worthy daughters, it's celestial.
You have been chosen for a scam.
When you get up there,
He'll want his fair share.
And he'll say: "slam, bam, thank you ma'am."

And, if you love your mormon heritage.
You'll overlook Joe's wanderin' ways.
You'll say you love him, think the best of him,
His cheatin' underscores your faith.

alternate chorus:
Stand by Joe-man.
His fakey revelatin'
It gives us reassurance
He wasn't fornicatin'.
Stand by Joe-man.
His gospel keep proclaiming.
Keep giving all the **tithes** you can~~~
Stand by Joe-man.

Stony Boxes on the Hillside

Tune: "Little Boxes" by Peter Seeger - 11/15/2009 - by flattopSF

Stony boxes on the hillside
Stony boxes made of rocks and stuff!
Stony boxes , Stony boxes, Stony boxes full of gold.
“It’s a stone box!—it’s a magic box!—
It’s a big box with a golden book!
And there’s all this other magic stuff!”
But the truth is really lame.

Joe Smith crowed and people came and listened to his crazy tale
And they all heard about the boxes, stony boxes full of gold.
They were hucksters, they were preacher-men,
They were Snake-Oil Med’cine Men.
And they all heard Joe’s flim-flam and they drank their Kool-Aid.
Now they all go to the temple and do their kooky handshakes,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to church.
And the children go on missions,
And then to The BYU,
And they all hear about the boxes and they all believe the same.
And the boys go into MLMs and marry and raise a family
And they sing songs about boxes, stony boxes full of gold.

“It’s a stone box!—it’s a magic box!—
It’s a big box with a golden book!
And there’s all this other magic stuff!”
But the truth is really lame.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONEYGU_7EqU

Story of Dung

Tune: (music from Glory of Love -- apologies to Peter Cetera theme song for the movie "Karate Kid 2") - 06/19/2004 - by soothseeker

Tonight it's very clear
That you control through fear.
There's so many tricks you want to play.
I will always love truth.
And you'll never leave me alone.

Sometimes you just forged it.
Say things we now reject.
It breaks my heart to see you lyin'.
I don't want to lose too.
I could never fake what is known.

I am a fan of the light of the honest,
But you have zero like Brigham Young.
Foolish endeavor. You think you're clever.
But we didn't fall for your story of dung.

You keep folks caught with gall.
You think like a brick wall.
Why you chose wrong is just beside me.
You have always needed fools.
And your cronies make perople groan.

I am a fan of the light of the honest,
But you have zero like ol' Brigham Young.
Foolish endeavor. You think you're clever
But we didn't fall for your story of dung.

When I fight you have no answers
But you have lots of snow.
Just decided to seize the day.
Move to where the temple's far away.

I am a fan of the light of the honest,
But you have zero like old Brigham Young.
You're gonna lose your lever. You think you're clever
But we didn't fall for your story of dung.

Foolish endeavor. You think you're clever
But we didn't fall for your story of dung.
We didn't fall for dung.
We didn't fall for dung.
We didn't fall for dung.
We didn't fall for dung.

Stuck at Home

Tune: Love at Home - 10/23/2001 - created by Stray Mutt

There is laundry all around
When you're stuck at home
Pacifiers must be found
When you're stuck at home
Dirty diapers, sticky hands
Coupons for generic brands
Have more children than we planned
So I'm stuck at home

Stuck at home
Stuck at home
Doing what the Lord commands
So I'm stuck at home

It's my calling as a wife
So I'm stuck at home
I know there's much more to life
But I'm stuck at home
I dropped out of BYU
Like so many women do
Married Peter Priesthood, too
Now I'm stuck at home

Stuck at home
Stuck at home
There's much more that I could do
But I'm stuck at home

Could have had a nice career
But I'm stuck at home
I feel dumber every year
'Cause I'm stuck at home
I loved science, I loved math
But I took the Mormon path
Expectations cut in half
Now I'm stuck at home

Stuck at home
Stuck at home
Time to give the kids a bath
'Cause I'm stuck at home

Husband works full time, and then
While I'm stuck at home
Goes to classes until ten
While I'm stuck at home
Seven kids, three bedroom home
Have to rent 'cause we can't own
Budget cut right to the bone
And I'm stuck at home

Stuck at home
Stuck at home
Bill collector on the phone
And I'm stuck at home

Love my children, yes, they're great
But I'm stuck at home
I could really use a break
But I'm stuck at home
Wish we sisters had a choice
Wish we sisters had a voice
But we're not one of the boys
So we're stuck at home

Stuck at home
Stuck at home
Maybe if we made some noise
But we're stuck at home.

Subterranean Home Teaching Blues

Tune: "Bob Dylan's "Subterranean Homesick Blues" - 12/17/2004 - created by Stray Mutt

Gordon’s in the basement
Mixin’ up the doctrine
Leavitt’s at the White House
Meetin’ with the president
Boys in the black suits,
White shirts, name tags
Say they got a gold book,
Ought to take a good look
Look out kid,
It’s somethin’ you did
God knows when
But you’re doing it again
You better slip down the alleyway,
Duckin’ your assigned friends
The man in the baker’s cap
And green apron
Says you gotta have more kids
‘Cause you only got ten

Molly’s so sweet, look,
Face in the Lord’s book
All her sins forsook.
Took a boy to bed but
They let her go anyway
Molly and the bishop say
She’ll get her call in early May
Orders from the GAs
Look out kid
Don’t matter what you did
But walk on tip-toes
MTC on NoDoz
Better stay away from those
That have a shiny brown nose
Priesthood bozos
Wear your drab clothes
You don’t need a plumber, girl
To know which way the shit flows

Ah, it’s sick, it’s hell
Hang around but don’t tell
Be swell, hard to tell
If anything is going well
Pray hard, get barred
Get slack, get trailed
Tell tales, get nailed
Court of Lovin’ if you fail
Look out kid
You're gonna get hit
By losers, cheaters
Big porn abusers
Wife and children beaters
Girl at the Lord’s school
Wants to marry you, fool
Don’t follow leaders
And hang on to your peter

Ah, get born, reborn
White pants, big chance
Do the dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Seek eternal success
Please her, please him, buy love
Don’t shove, don’t hate
Twenty years of tithing
And they put it into real estate
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Change your handle
Tell about their scandals
Don’t wanna be a bum
You better leave, chum
The church don’t work
Cause it’s a big steaming pile of crap

Summon All Those Members

Tune: "When Upon Life’s Billows" - 02/19/2007 - created by Enigma

Summon all those members who have done research
On the doctrines and the history of the church,
Who’ve collected journals or whose thoughts seem odd,
Mentioned plural marriage or taught Adam-God.

[Chorus]

Excommunicate them one by one,
Or disfellowship them.
It’s such fun.
Church tribunals,
Given from above,
Even when in error
They are courts of love.

Where state courts are bound to act by rule of law,
Church tribunals are constrained by no such flaw.
On a baseless rumor or some hearsay facts,
They’ve been know to give some poor lost soul the axe.

[Repeat Chorus]

You can watch a church court function at its height,
When it is deciding if your doctrine’s right.
Should it find you wrong, recant; for you can still,
Come hell or high council, believe what you will.

[Repeat Chorus]

Sunday Skiing - The song

Tune: "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam" - 01/30/2007 - created by Battle-Ax

Jesus wants me to ski on Sunday!!!
to be on his ski team some day
In every-way try to please him, on Greens on blues on blacks
Sunday skiing.....Sunday skiing
Jesus want me to ski on Sunday
Sunday skiing.....Sunday skiing Just
Jesus want me to ski on Sunday

Notes on song: This past Sunday my wife daughter and me went Skiing. That is one of the great secrets in Utah is Sunday skiing. My daughter is 9 years old so on one of the lift rides I decided to teach her a primary song with a twist. After all it is Sunday and we are not in church. So it went like this...... set to Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

Ya I know it's not perfect but we had a grate time making it up and than singing it on the next lift ride up. Who says we are not inspired. I just had more inspiration then Hinckley has had for the past 10 years.

Sweet Adulterer - Joseph Smith

Tune: "Sweet Transvestite" - 10/25/2002 - created by Red Wing

How d'you do I
see you've met my
faithful missionary man.
He's just a little brought down because
when he was gone, away with his wife I ran.

Don't get strung up by my little book
Don't judge it by its cover.
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,
but by night I'm one hell of a lover.

I'm just a sweet adulterer, from preexistential Kolob.

Let me show you around, maybe get you aroused.
You look like you're both pretty groovy.

Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal.
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

I'm glad we caught you at home, could you a horse loan?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.

RIGHT!

We'll just take the road out of town and later return your horse brown. We
don't want to be any worry.

Well here's my hat, well, how 'bout that? Well babies, don't you panic. By
the light of the night it'll all seem all right, we'll do a little ceremony
satanic.

I'm just a sweet adulterer, from preexistential Kolob.

Why don't you stay for the night (night)? Or maybe a bite (bite)? I could
show you my favorite obsession. I've been looking in my hat, for something
like that (pointing to the plates), and it's good for relieving my tension.

I'm just a sweet adulterer, from preexistential Kolob.
Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! I'm just a sweet adulterer (sweet adulterer), from preexistential Kolob.

So come up to the floor and stand behind the door. I see you shiver with
antici............................pation.

But maybe the angel isn't really making me do this at the point of a sword.
So I'll remove your clothes, but not your wedding rings!

Tapir-Back Rider - An old Beatles song with an older storys

Tune: "Paperback Writer by the Beatles - 02/13/2010 - created by toss doubt

Tapirback Rider, Rid-er

Old Lehi the prophet came home one day
had a bump on his head, and a lot to say
it was based on a story tellin people to pray
the people didn't like what he had to say

Tapirback Rider, Tapirback Rider

He told his sons we gotta leave here fast
or the people gonna come here and kick my ass
let's pack up our stuff and get outa here
Follow me to the promised land and you can be a

Tapirback Rider, Tapirback Rider

Tapirback Rider, Rid-er

Nephi tells the story bout gettin outa there
they flee into the desert without a care
fight with your brothers just to get a book
loose all the treasure just to have a look,

Tapirback Rider, Tapirback Rider,

murdering your uncle, now don't get caught
when the soldiers chase you hide in a rock
build a ship so you can sail away
we will get to the land of the Tapir today

Tapirback Rider, Rid-er

Tapir-Back Riders

Tune: "Paperback Writer by the Beatles - 05/17/2003 - created by BBS & Gunshy

Dear Sir or Madam will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Joe
And the main idea is the Lamanites were
Tapir-back riders
Tapir-back riders

See, the Nephites came to the promised land
And those damn exmos just don't understand
That when they said "horse" they meant something else
But it all makes sense if you know that they were
Tapir-back riders
Tapir-back riders

I know the whole thing doesn't hold up well
If you take it literally, but what the hell
There’s this group of guys that work at FARMS
And they can save the whole thing by postulating Tapir-back riders
Tapir-back riders

They say the book is really history
If so where's the proof? Ah, a mystery
External evidence is perpetually due
Apparently the best that they can do is
Tapir-back riders
Tapir-back riders

What the folks at FARMS don’t seem to understand
Is we want the truth, not sleight of hand
The Church asks for all, but gives nothing back
The best they have to offer is a team of hacks with
Tapir-back riders
Tapir-back riders

Take the Last Train to Clarksville

Tune: original by the Monkees - 09/28/2001 - created by Colonel Thomas Kane
(Dedicated to Clarksville, Utah the final resting place of Martin Harris who was one of "The Three Witnesses" to the golden plates of the Book of Mormon)

Take the last train to Clarksville,
And I'll meet you at the station,
We'll discuss your temple worthiness
And talk about mastrurbation
Oh, wo, wo, wo,
Oh, wo, wo, wo
And I don't know if Lucy's a-going home!

Take the last train to Clarksville!
And I'll meet you at the station
Brigham Young and I will build
The Deseret Nation
Won't be slow!
Oh, wo, wo, wo,
Oh, wo, wo, wo
And I don't know if Lucy's a-going home!

Take the last train to Clarksville
And I mean just what I say
I'll bring along sweet Emma Hale and
We'll find us all some hay!
Oh, wo, wo, wo,
Oh, wo, wo, wo
And I don't know if Lucy's a-going home!

Take the last train to Clarksville,
and keep Tom Monson home!
Always talking about Old Hattie,
No wonder he's all alone!
Oh, wo, wo, wo,
Oh, wo, wo, wo.
And I don't know if Lucy's a-going home!

Take the last train to Clarksville,
And bring Paul Dunn along
Always talking about World War II
Which he won by himself alone!
(Or was that the World Series!)
Oh, wo, wo, wo,
Oh, wo, wo, wo
And I KNOW Lucy's not a-going home!

Sorry, Emma! (sound of crockery smashing, the words "FOURTEEN YEARS OLD?" said in Emma's voice, sound of Joe saying to himself, "DAMN! I'm gonna need another revelation from God or Heavenly Father or Johnny Cash or whoever we pray to THIS week - SOMEBODY! - to get me out of THIS one!: music FADES to sound of more crockery breaking....

Teach Me to Keep All the Dirt Off of Me

Best sung at baptism services for eight year olds

(Tune: "Teach Me To Walk In The Light" - 07/13/2001 - by Brannigan)

Teach me to keep all the dirt off of me
Teach me to suffer so He’ll hear my plea
Teach me to not be humanity’s blight
Teach me, teach me, to walk in the light.

Come little child with your bad thoughts and deeds
We’ll cheat the system with baptism and creeds
Everyone else will be in hell’s chains tight
Mormons, Mormons, have keys to the light

Father in Heaven I lie in my bed
Thinking of Satan inside of my head
Hoping that ‘Ghosty’ will win in the fight
Mommy, mommy, turn on the hall light

Temple Boogie Woogie

(Tune: "Hokey Pokey" created by Steve Benson, Sadmom, Esteban, Texas Exxed, Clee & Shakjula - 06/15/2003)

You put your right hand in,
You take your big knife out,
You say you're killed for sin,
Then you warn what it's about.

You do the 'hokum, smoke 'em'
And you cut their damned throats out,
That's what it's all about."

You put your robe on,
You take your robe off
You put your robe on,
and you cinch the sash up tight

You tie the veil on well
and then you cover the shame up
That's what it's all about

You cup yer hand real low,
to catch yer guts when they blow,
You tie her hat just so,
remove yer slippers for yer toes.

You tie the veil on well
and then you cover the shame up
That's what it's all about

You see Peter standing there
But its Gordon Jump with hair
You wish that you could leave
That's a cutie playing Eve

You watched the film so carefully
When Eve was standing behind a tree
And when the leaves did ripple
You could have sworn you saw a nipple

That's what it's all about!

You put your hand in,
You take your hand out,
You put your hand in
and you grasp it just right

You knock three times,
and try with all your might
to remember a stupid name
so you will see the light.

He puts his arm to the Square,
You suck in lots of air,
Into the water goes your head
'Cuz it's baptism for the dead.

Don't think that we're demented
When we say Hitler repented.
That's what it's all about.

You hand your recommend in
You say "Now I'm finally out!"
You've got a Chesire cat grin
As your ward shakes all about

You do the "okey dokey"
With freedom you abound
Truth! Is what it's all about

The Temple Is Only For Those That Are Holy

(Tune: "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" created by Enigma - 03/13/2007)

The temple is only
For those that are holy,
For heretics, gentiles and gays
There’s no room.
Please kindly be seated
Your presence’s not needed
Please wait in the foyer
For the bride and the groom.

[Chorus]

The Sealing Room
That Sacred Room,

Is for the blessed
The few, the blessed!

There is no room
Nope, sorry, none!

For anything less!
Only the best!

Parents and siblings
Your blood and your kin

Though they might be
Though they might be

We’ll separate you
We’ll tare you apart

Eternally!
Eternally!

Though family values
The Mormons hold onto,
This strange marriage practice
They’ll bravely defend.
If you’d only listen
To their gospel message
They’d gladly include you
And welcome you in!

[Repeat Chorus]

They claim truth to cherish
But they’re so embarrassed
By what really happens
Behind those locked doors.
No pledge of devotion
To wife or to husband
Just handshakes, green aprons
And stuffy old robes!

[Repeat Chorus]

Temple Snoozing

(Tune: "Wake up Little Suzie" created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
We missed a handshake or two;
My Doughboy hat is askew.
The movie's over; it's time for the veil;
Remember the tokens, please do!
Wake up little Snoozie!
Wake up little Snoozie!

Well...
Why do we keep playin' the game?
Why do we keep takin' the blame?
What're we gonna tell our friends when they say:
"shame, shame, shame" - ?
Wake up little Snoozie! Wake up little Snoozie!

interlude:
Well, I told the bishop we'd do two sessions by ten.
Well, Snoozie baby, we forgot our NoDoze again.
Wake up little Snoozie! Wake up little Snoozie!
We're snoozing IN SIN (gasp).....

2.
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
The movie wasn't so hot; it didn't have much of a plot.
We missed our share of the PayLayAle; our reputation is shot.
Wake up little Snoozie!
Wake up little Snoozie!

Well...
Why do we always come back for more???
And pay 10% for this chore (duh)???
The vain repetitions, the signs and the tokens:
are all just a BLOODY BORE!!!!

Wake up little Snoozie!

Temple-Town - From the "Hotel Deseret" CD

by The Seagulls (Tune: "Party Town" by the Eagles created by Brigham Smith)

You can go in-active any time you like, but you can never LEAVE!

1st verse
They'll go for your kids, go for your wife
And if you take the plunge, theyll be running your life.
You'll get a mini-van and fill it with gas,
Give testimonies right out your Ass

Over in Temple-Town, Through the veil
They put the Gentiles down, Pay-Lay-Ale
Raise your Arm to the square, wear magic underwear
Over in Temple-Town

2nd verse

Tithing is up, tolerance down,
Obedience matters here in Temple-Town
They vow all day and for half the night,
they keep on vowing 'cause they "CHOOSE THE RITE"

Right Here in Temple-Town, Through the veil
They keep the Gentiles down, Pay-Lay-Ale
Here it straight from the "Hink"
"No, we dont teach THAT, I think."
Not now in Temple-Town.

3rd verse

Now the burnin' in my bosom cannot be denied
No matter that I "know" that the GA's have lied.
I met a Temple-Worker, couple of tokens ago
She's teachin' me everything I dont know...

...about Temple-town, Through the veil
We'll keep the Gentiles down, Pay-Lay-Ale!
To the Bishop confess,
Just bow your head and say,"Yes".
Right Here in Temple Town.

Chorus: repeats

guitar solo: fadeout

Can you Say... "JosephSmithWasATrueProphetOfGod!"?

Sure you can...I KNOW you can*** [***Guest voice of "Elder Rogers"]

Testimonkey Dancin' At The Temple

(Tune: "HokeyPokey" - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
You put your tithing in;
You take endowments out.
A bishop says you're worthy,
And you feel so devout.
You do the testimonkey,
Play a secret handshake game.
That's what it's all about.

2.
You raise your right arm up,
To the square ya hold it out,
You bow your head, say "yes."
Yes, to covenants with clout.
You do the testimonkey,
To celestial stake your claim.
That's what it's all about.

3.
You put your head in;
You take your head out;
You try some thinkin' for yourself,
But you learn to stifle doubt.
You do the testimonkey,
Blind sustaining is the aim.
That's what it's all about.

4.
You put your whole heart in;
You take a little back out;
Your hungry heart stays in;
'Midst the faith-promotin' drought.
You do the testimonkey,
And you get a brand new name.
That's what it's all about.

5.
He puts a high-hat on
And pulls a wedgie out;
The church calls them "garmies"
But a tile-man calls it grout.
A priestly testimonkey,
Borgy, ladder-climbing fame;
That's what it's all about.

6.
She puts her veil on;
Throws all her instincts out;
She tries to measure up;
(My, the pay-lay-ale is stout).
She clings to testimonkey,
And she bows to all the blame.
That's what it's all about.

7.
It's said that: "garbage in"
Will get you "garbage out."
I was living on illusion,
I could barely access DOUBT.
Installed a brand new program,
Reconfigured my main frame.
And that's why I got the heck out!!!

Thank God I'm A Mormon Boy

(Tune: "Thank God I'm A Country Boy by John Denver" created by Rick Rocker)

Well life here at FARMS is kinda laid back
Just believe everything you hear from Nibley and Jack
Used to hate niggers but we took it all back
Thank god I'm a mormon boy
I'd change church doctrine every day if I could
But the Salt Lake Tribune wouldn't take it very good
They wrote about steel but they really meant wood
Thank god I'm a mormon boy

I got judges and engineers and even obstetricians
Believing everything I say just like stories from fishin'
But science is more trouble than the Baptists on my mission
Thank god I'm a mormon boy

Now they're talkin' 'bout Chinese mitochondrial DNA
Satan's a geneticist, I knew it anyway
But the Lamanites'll all turn white and delightsome any day
Wooo, thank God I'm a mormon boy
.............

That Mormon Smell

(Tune: ""That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd created by dk - 11/26/2013)

Dirty diapers, baby spit up
Clean bathrooms, no way
There's too much fear and not enough beer
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of Mormons surrounds you

Missionaries are upon you
Stuck a Book of Mormon in your face
(you fool, you)
So take another whiff, need a plug for your nose
One more lesson fool, we dunk you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of Mormons surrounds you

Now they call you Bishop Charming
Can't speak the truth when you're full of sh!t
Say you'll be fondling girls come tomorrow
But tomorrow your wife might be here with you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of Mormons surrounds you

Hey, you're a fool you
Paying tithing to the church
I know I been there before

When confounding doctrine confronts you
Lying for the lord will have to do
Just one more hour, Lord I could use a toke
This Mormon religion is one hell of a joke
(hell yeah)
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of Mormons surrounds you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of Mormons surrounds you

That’s Why We Like Polygamy

(Tune: "Wouldn’t it be Loverly?" created by Steve Powell)

For a female soloist and Relief Society chorus

Soloist:

All I want is someone to share
We can be just a part-time pair
I won’t get in his hair
When he starts getting sick of me.

Relief Society sisters:

Someone going from house to house,
Circulating from spouse to spouse
And you won’t hear us grouse,
That’s why we like polygamy.

Soloist:

And we wives all know the rules: his wish is our command.

Relief Society sisters:

He has us, and we’re always there.
We have him but we have to share,
With all the kids to bear,
That’s why we like polygamy.

Bigamy?
No, polygyny.
Give him to me!
[Fades]
No, he’s mine! etc.

The Church Is A Lie

(Tune: "hymn #89 The Lord Is My Light" created by A. Donovan)

The church is a lie
Whoever said it's true?
I can only wonder
What is wrong with you?
I've read the Book of Mormon
And I've read D and C
And I can only wonder
If this church is what it seems

(CHORUS)

The church is a lie
It is a joke
And a sham
By day
And by night
They continue, continue
Their scam

The church is a lie
So why do people join?
If only they can see
That they're taking your coin?
They judge you with intent
That's something they don't teach
It's "Judge not, let ye be judged"
So practice what you preach

(CHORUS)

The church is a lie
They make me fall asleep
Old Gordy takes an hour
To tell me something deep
Fast testimony
First Sundays are a drag
When I have to hear women cry and lie
It really is a drag

(CHORUS)

The church is a lie
So get out while you can
Because the pressure's on you
If you were born a man
They'll take all your money
Destroy what you have built
So get away while you can
Before you suffer guilt

(CHORUS)

The Endowment Warp

(Tune: "The Time Warp" created by Todd McCallister 8/2000)

It's astounding
How time is creeping
Boredom, takes it's toll
You're dosing off now
But, not for very much longer
It's time to, take control
I remember, doing the endowment
Secret handshakes, funny clothes
Then the movie would finish
And the veil would be calling

Let's do the endowment, again

(chorus)
It's just a slit, to the throat
And then slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's the five fellowship points
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the endowment, again

I think I'm dreaming
Nocturnally screaming
No way, can this be real
Down came Peter, James, John
I JUMPed and screamed MR. CARLSON?!?!

Let's do the endowment, again
Let's do the endowment, again

(chorus)
It's just a slit, to the throat
And then slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's the five fellowship points
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the endowment, again

Well I was sitting in the temple just-a doing my thing,
When Adam gave Eve such an evil wink,
Things really took off when Lucifer came around
And Elohim said, 'Why don't we ALL go down'
I put on my apron, tied my hat to my sash
Got up to the veil, in no time flat!

Let's do the endowment, again

(chorus)
It's just a slit, to the throat
And then slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's that 6th fellowship point
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the endowment, again

The Fresh Prophet of Utah

(Tune: " The theme song for the Fresh Prince of Bel-air " - created by Matthew - 07/24/2001)

This is a story all about how
My life got altered line upon line
I'd like to spend an eternity
But just sit right there
And I'll tell you how I became the prophet
Of a Church called LDS

In east coast US born and raised
Became a Mormon and ordained minutes later
Marrying more wives and livin' the Gospel
Preachin all about outside the church
When a lot of antimormons up to no good
Started making trouble for the good Saints
They martyred Joseph Smith
And the Saints got scared
They said "Now the prophet is gone
The Church is no more."
I demanded my wives
And told them to load up
They even folded my garments
And put freshners in there
If anywhere we could go
But couldn't decide where
I thought no forget it
"You Saints to Utah!"

I pulled up to the desert valley
Many months later
And I called to my wives
"You wives clean my garments"
I looked out to my valley
I was finally here
To set up my throne as the prophet of Utah.

The Love Court

(Tune: "The Love Boat" - by Seneca - 02/24/2006)

Discipline, exciting and new,
Come on in.
We're expecting you.
Discipline, It's your reward.
Let us know,
The Evil things you do.

The Love Court
soon will be exing another one.
The Love Court promises damning for everyone.
Set a Court date for Thurday,
Your mind on a new guilt trip.

Love it hurts to the core
It's a conciled smile or a High Councilors snort!

It's Looooove!
C'mon inside- It's Looooove!

"The Mormon Rag"

(Tune: the old Tom Lehrer tune "Vatican Rag" - Scott Jensen - 01/01/2003)

First you get down on your knees
With great sincerity just say please
Bow your head with deep respect and
Write a check, write check, write a check

Do any steps that you wish if
You have cleared it with the Bishop
Everybody pays on Fast Sundays
We're doin' the Mormon rag!

Stand up there and bear your testimony
Just make sure it doesn't sound phony
Work real hard and get a good calling
Just make sure your faith is not falling

It it is try playing it safer
Lie a little and be a faker
Two four six eight
I think Gordon B. Hinckley's great

First you get down on you knees
With great sincerity just say please
Bow your head with deep respect and
Write a check write a check, write a check

Pay your tithing and make it look pretty
Quick can you turn and face Salt Lake City
Follow your leaders. Your spiritual feeders
Getting all torn again. Facing the storm again
Doing the Mormon Rag!!!

The Real "Full House"

(Tune: "The theme to Full House" - created by Matthew - 07/24/2001)

Whatever happened to polygamy?
Many wives, many visions, the evening FHE
Many wives gathered round the campfire
Just to hear me speak

Everywhere you look
In this place
A wife to hold onto
Everywhere you look
Round here
Kids to marry off

When you're lost out there
Trying to escape
Danites are chasing
To blood atone
Everywhere you look.
Pay-lay-ale-sha-boom!

There’s A Peep Stone In My Hat Today

(Tune: "There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today #227" - created by Enigma - 04/01/2007)

There’s a peep stone in my hat today,
So luminous and bright!
It glows with ancient languages
That ne’er a man did write!

[Chorus]

Oh peep stone, magic peep stone
Into which I channel all my dreams.
When seekers see my face stuck in my hat
They believe my prophecies!

Martin Harris lost my manuscript;
His wife thinks I’m a cheat!
She demands I duplicate my work;
So into my stone I peep.

[Repeat Chorus]

My peep stone has a bright idea;
I’ll escape Mrs. Harris’ snare.
I’ll dictate a diff’rent manuscript.
It’s all fiction so who cares!

[Repeat Chorus]

Martin Harris’s no longer my scribe.
He nearly ruined me!
From now on I’ll trust in fam’ly ties
Cousin Oliver Cowdery!

[Repeat Chorus]

Tried to sell my book in Canada
But no one showed interest.
I guess fiction’s not the way to go,
Religion’s my next best bet!

[Repeat Chorus]

There's a sad sort of lying

12/28/2008 - by Laman and Lemon

Performed in front of a "High Council" of Love (to the tune of So long, farewell)

There's a sad sort of lying
from the books of our past
And from mo-dern research too
And up in my noggin, there a part of my mind
Is popping up to say "it's poo"
"it's poo"
"it's poo"

Mormon histr'y it tells us
"it's poo"

And logic compels us
"it's poo"
To say goodbye,

"it's poo"

to you!!

So Long, farewell, our feet are stained, good night
I'm shocked, that Joe would lie about his wives

"doot, doo da loot doot doo doot doo- doot do da loot doot doo"

So long, farewell, papyrus showed his lies

It's poo, it's poo, to you and you and you

"doot, doo da loot doot doo doot doo- doot do da loot doot doo"

So long, farewell, offended I am not,
I've ne-ver had beer, cigs, tea or champagne

"doot, doo da loot doot doo doot doo- doot do da loot doot doo"

So long, farewell, I've only "known" my wife
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye,
Good bye (I'll have to REALLY gird up my loins to hit THAT high note)

I'm glad to go,
The church has told me lies.
I read, I know
My spirits's on a high

"doot, doo da loot doot doo doot doo- doot do da loot doot doo"

The lies I've put to test and so must you (slowly)
So long, farewell, truth does not change, goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye!
GOODBYE!!!!! (final goodbye s/b done by the council)

These are a few of Joe's favorite things

05/06/2008 - by Laman and Lemon

Red dress on Fanny, my whiskers in Helen
Bright copper kinderhook and warm women lickens
Emma Hale packaged and tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Reprise

Cream fill-ed lassies and crisp notes in tithing
Hellsbells for gay belles for "schnitzel" with "noodling"
Apostates that die with their head up their a**
These some things from my infamous past

Reprise

Angels in dresses with flaming sword sashes
Mrs Jacobs "is" in my nose and eyelashes
Silver white Temples were built for no-thing
These are a few of my favorite things

Reprise

When the past bites
When the truth stings
When I'm feeling mad
I simply remember my infamous things
And then I don't feel so glad

The Top Old Geezer (Sung to the tune, "On The Top of Old Smokey")

11/27/2006 - by Cats

The top old geezer,
All cover-up with "I don't know,"
Lost his true believers,
For lying on T.V. shows.

For lying about buried treasure,
And Joe's part as a thief,
A false-hearted leader,
Worsens my grief.

As a thief, Joe robbed them,
And took them for fools,
As a false-hearted leader,
He lead them to their graves.

Their daughters did entice Joe,
And he turned to lust,
Not the prophet of the Mormons
A poor girl could trust.

He hugged and kissed them,
And told them more lies,
Then he crossed the Mississippi,
Running from the law's spies.

So come you young women,
And listen to me,
Never place your heavenly hopes
In an old geezer's church history.

For LDS leaders will wither,
With them their rules will die,
And they'll be forgotten,
And all of their lies.

The Treadmills Of My Mind

(Tune: "Windmills of My Mind" - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
In my days of borgy living,
Like a hamster on a wheel,
With my FranklinDailyPlanner,
And my fate/agenda sealed.
I did all that was required,
I was going with the flow.
Swanly gliding on the surface,
Paddlin' hellishly below.

(slower):
Tried to follow what they taught,
But I did it all for naught
But the treadmills of my mind.

2.
Monday nights for family-brainwash;
Tuesday, MIA with kids;
Wednesday, practice with the choir;
Thursday, casseroles with lids;
Friday nights for temple "dating;"
All day Saturday, prepare ~
For another round of meetings.
Sundays: Smile, and just be there.

(slower):
All my worthiness was built,
With another round of guilt,
On the treadmills of my mind.

3.
I was running, I was weary;
Called to keep a "worthy" pace;
For the priesthood gave a blessing,
And they let me know my place.
I was striving for perfection;
All the right books on my shelf;
Gave "Relief" to everybody,
Everybody, but myself.

(slower):
Till I loosed the ties that bind,
Got a grip on my own mind,
Left those treadmills far behind.

Th'Etruscan Plates lay hidden

(Tune: "Golden Plates" - created by flattopSF - 03/12/2007)

Th'Etruscan Plates lay hidden
In a Bulgarian tomb.
'Till ol' ditch-digger Bogdan
The treasure did exhume.

Now seen by people young and old —
Displayed in a museum!
Stories told on sheets of gold
In Etruscan solemn.

So there's a great big difference
'Tween this and another book:
Joseph Smith's Book of Mormon
Was written by a crook.

Mormons can blabber all they want
How he saw angels, too.
Real gold plates they cannot flaunt,
And the rest is just not true!

Tommy wants me for an in-come

(Sung to the tune of Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam - 11/09/2014 - created by Stumbling)

Tommy wants me for an in-come
To give to him each month
In every way to ap-pease him
We are just Tommy's fun

Chorus
An in-come
An in-come
Tommy thinks I am an in-come
An in-come
An in-come
Doh! I am an income for himmmmmmm

Tommy wants me to be cleaning
And preach to all I meet
Showing that they can be ha-pee
And cleaning just like me

Chorus
A clean-er
A clean-er
Tommy thinks I am a clean-er
A clean-er
A clean-er
Damn! I am a cleaner for himmmmmmm

True To The Prospectus

(Sung to the tune of “True To The Faith” - 03/16/2007 - created by Enigma)

Shall the Kirtland Bank e’er falter
Or renege upon its notes?
Will the struggling economy
Render faithful Mormons broke? No!

[Chorus]

True to the prospectus of Joseph the Seer!
True to vision of our great financier!
Joseph knows best,
So we’ll invest!
Surely he serves
To protect our interests.

Shall our rampant speculation
And our faith fulfill our hopes?
Will the prophecies of Joseph
Serve to prop up this grand hoax? Yes!

[Repeat Chorus]

We care not that banks all ‘round us
Are insolvent so we’re told.
Joseph showed us Kirtland’s coffers
Are all flowing o’er with gold! Yes!

[Repeat Chorus]

What the Hell? Our Bank’s in default!
All our stock and savings gone!
Joseph’s prophecies were worthless!
He has bankrupted us all! Yes!

[Chorus –4th verse]

Damn the prospectus of Joseph the seer!
His faulted vision put us all in arrears!
We’ve all been fleeced!
Joseph’s a thief!
Kirtland has fallen
For Joseph’s greedy scheme!

The Twelve Days of Smithmas

12/01/2006 - created by Grape Nephi

On the first day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
A PPI next to the Smithmas tree

On the second day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the third day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
three new hometeaching families, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the forth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
An assignment to talk on Sunday, three new hometeaching families, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the Fifth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!
Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the sixth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!
A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the seventh day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!
Seven seals to talk on.
A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the eigth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me. Eight endowment sessions.
Seven seals to talk on. A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the 9th day of Smithmas my leader gave to me.....

A nervous breakdown...

At PPI the next Sunday Brother Jones was talked about. See he ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown and heart palpitations. A request was made for someone to take some green Jell-O salad over to the family.

The Twelve Weeks of Apostasy

12/01/2006 - substrate

On the first week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
A home teacher preaching to me.

On the second week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the third week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the fourth week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the fifth week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the sixth week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the seventh week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the eighth week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the ninth week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the tenth week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Ten predictions of divorce,
Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the eleventh week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Eleven promises of damnation,
Ten predictions of divorce,
Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the twelfth week I skipped church,
My bishop came to me
And we had a beer and watched football.

They Call The Place Palmyra

(Tune: "And They Call The Wind Maria" with apologies to Frederick Loewe & Alan Jay Lerner - created by Alex Murphy - 09/11/2003 )

Now way up north they have a name for where begat the liar
The book of Mo', the prophet Joe and they call the place Palmyra
Joseph takes a new wife in, and sets her husband steamin'
Palmyra was the place wherein Joseph first found wimmin
Palmyra, Palmyra
They call the place Palmyra

Before I knew Palmyra's name and heard Joe's wail and whinin'
I had a gal and she had me and the Son was always shinin'
But then one day, my gal left me, and got new underoonies
Her brain is toast, but so's her heart, yes that's what happened to me
Palmyra, Palmyra
They call the place Palmyra

Now here they have a name for where the prophet, feeling randy
Never slept alone for sure, his revelations handy
No I'm a lost and lonely soul, my gal wife number ninety
Palmyra took my love from me, no longer here beside me
Palmyra (Palmyra), Palmyra (Palmyra)
They call the place Palmyra
Palmyra....Palmyra....Palmyra
They call the place Palmyra

They Love You

(Tune: "I love you from Barney and Friends" - created by soothseeker -06/19/2004 )

Joe loves you. So you see
He brought back polygamy.
When he makes up a threat
'bout some angel with a sword.
Girls thought, "Wow, it's of the Lord"

Boyd loves you. So you see
He'll whitewash church history
When he lies to your face
As he says the church is true
Flip him off and yell, "Flunk you!"

Boyd loves you. So you see
He gives gays shock therapy
Since he hates everything
That he cannot comprehend
He's a horse's big rear-end.

God loves you. So you see
He'll burn all who disagree.
If we all do our best
and we really really try
God still leaves us here to die.

I'm like you. So you see
I'll fight for your liberty.
We might not get along
But I know this much is true:
My flag's still red, white, and blue.

They Mocked the Savior Too

(Tune: "Jesus wants me for a Dumb-beam" - created by pgledhill@shaw.ca - Your friendly neighbourhood Mormmy -05/11/2003 )

They mocked the Savior too
Just like you
When he comes again
Then we'll see what is true

You think you have it right
And we have it all wrong
He said that we must have love
Where has yours all gone

You don't want to hear
All you do is spread fear
You need to listen to the spirit
And then you'll be closer to it.

They the Builders

(Tune: "They, The Builders of the Nation #36" - created by Quevedo - 07/23/2001 - Dedicated to the true builders the nation, our children )

They the builders of the Legos
Blazing tails I contemplate
Stepping stones for irritation
Seems to be their constant fate
Placed upon a firm foundation
Pointy corners sharp as tacks
Stepping on them ever painful
Blessed Lego Maniacs

They the eaters of the oatmeal
Sticking to my tabletop
Dried in place for endless ages
Petrified there like a rock
Every day some oatmeal lifted
Every day some food to cheer
Every day some little blighter
Blessed grimy food will smear

As a gremlin in my laundry
Has unfurled my towels, forsooth
Toga, cape of perspiration
To the hordes of dirty youth
Laundry soap is my vexation
At the filthy beasts I swear
List their song of my frustration:
"I don't have no clothes to wear!"

Things that Brigham Said

(Tune: "All The Things She Said/ Ja Schlosa S Uma?? by t.A.T.u." - 03/08/2003 by Shakjula)

Chorus:

Things that Brigham said (things that Brigham said)Shakjula
Messing with my head (messing with my head, messing with my head)
Things that Brigham said (things that Brigham said)
Messing with my head (fucking with my head, testimony's dead)

It's late about a quarter to three
And I can't put down the J of D
The words that I read are perfectly odd
Especially the part that Adam is God.

Chorus:

Things just don't add up! (Things just don't add up!)

When I think it can't get any worse
I stumble across the "Negro Curse"
Is it true they have the "Mark of Cain"
Or did Briggy have syphilis in the brain?
I try and I try just to make it fit
But I can't deny it's a crock of shit
A living Prophet may trump one who's dead
Still the fact remains, it was what he said.

Chorus:

I can't question this! (In the Elder's pants there would be piss!)

While the African males have the Priesthood now
I'm pretty sure Old Brig would have had a cow
Please, Heavenly Father, give me a sign
In lieu of that, I'll take a bottle of wine.

Chorus:

The Thong Remains the Same

(Tune: To Led Zeppelin's "The Song Remains the Same" - 07/26/2003 by Alex Murphy

A little background:

I was inspired to write this when a friend mentioned how five of their friends got through the Temple ceremony on forged recommends, some wearing red thong undies instead of the sacred garments. That event is immortalized in the title and last verse.

Joseph had a dream --
might be a vision.
Anything he wanted to know,
Any girl he needed to know.
Heard his song --
and sang along.
Any little song that Moroni'd blow,
Every god that's small has to grow.

From Cumorah sunlight,
to Independence rain,
Salt Lake City starbright --
The delusions remain the same.

Sing out Pay Lay Ale,
then dance the Hoochie Koo.
Temple workers are
not so bright,
As we go sliding sliding sliding through.

Those Mormon girls, and those Mormon guys

(Tune: "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue - The Angry American" - 12/13/2003 by Matthew)

1.
Those Mormon girls, and those Mormon guys
Will always turn in their mission papers, they'll always testify
When they hear the Bishop preaching, about the many blessings
So we can serve two years handing out Book of Mormons to all

My Bishop served on a mission, where he gained no converts
But he still said that it was the best two years of his life
He wanted the deacons, the priests, the teachers and me
To go out two by two knocking on everyone's door

Now this faith that I lived has fallen under attack
Some exmo material came creeping out the Internet
Soon as I read it all with my newly opened eyes
Man I left that lame church like old Moses' exodus
v Chorus:
And my ward put my name at the top of their lists
And the relief society began shaking their fists
The testimonies they'll bear, they're gonna give me hell
Until they win me back over to their blind flock
And it will feel as if the whole damned church is raining down on me
Oh this irritation brought to me, courtesy of the LDS, inc.

2.
Oh, the prayers will be offered and the doorbell will ring
The mishies will tell me that this church is true
They'll be sorry that they messed with this good little exmo
Cause I'll put my foot in their ass, that's the exmormon way
Chorus:
And my Stake President promised to forward my exit letter
They said it would take awhile, I gave them thirty days
That irritated them but that's what they deserve
For teaching me that Joe Smith needed all those wives
And for telling me that missionary service would be beneficial
Oh, this apostacy brought to you, courtesy of a pissed-off exmo.

To all the Gods I've loved before...

(Tune: "To all the Girls I've loved before by Willie Nelson" - 10/04/2004 by Punky's Dilemma )

To all the Gods I've loved before
Who've travelled in and out my door,
I'm glad you came along,
I dedicate this song
To all the Gods I've loved

To all the men who've shared my life,
Who've now got someone else's wife,
I'm glad you cam along
I dedicate this song
To all the Gods I've loved.

Tracting in the Evil Gentile Lands

(Tune: "Modern Major-General or House of Rising Sun or Amazing Grace" - 07/04/2001 by Dana Kazmerinski)

I've gone out tracting and backpacking in the evil Gentile lands,
baptised heathen men and women, given blessings, laid-on-hands.
I know of all the prophets and I always quote the holy book,
and all my family and friends think that I am some kind of kook.

My Book of Mormon's tattered, torn, and dog-eared in the juicy parts
from all my study with my bosom buddy, that which fills our hearts.
I masturbate, but mark the date upon my calendar with black --
If they should find what's on my mind (I mean my hands!) they'll send me back.

I don't drink coke, I do not smoke, my coffee pot has rusted shut.
My garments block access to my [censored] to keep me from a lustful glut!
About the life of Joseph Smith I'm teeming with a lot o' news... (LOT o' news!)
And dirty secrets all about polygamy's Celestial screws!

I spread my lies to fill the skies with praises from converted souls,
I tract them all, I come to call, just so I'll reach my silly goals.
In short, in matters inconsistent, falsified, moronical,
I am the very model of a mission'ry Mormonical.

The Twelve Days of Smithmas

12/14/2005 - by by ResignedinMay

On the first day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
A guilt trip throughout all eternity.

On the second day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Two wards combining

On the third day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Three Cumorah locations

On the fourth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Four unfound cultures

On the fifth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Five tumbago plates

On the sixth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Six temple changes

On the seventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Seven members leaving

On the eight day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Eight maids to marry

On the ninth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Nine ladies on Prozac

On the tenth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Ten malls from tithing

On the eleventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Eleven Kirtland bank notes

On the twelfth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Twelve old men droning,

Eleven Kirtland bank notes

Ten malls from tithing

Nine ladies on Prozac

Eight maids to marry

Seven members leaving

Six temple changes

Fiiiiiiive tumbago plates

Four unfound cultures

Three Cumorah locations

Two wards combining

And a guilt trip throughout all eternity.

The Twelve GA's of Smithmas

12/19/2003 - by cricket

On the worst day of Smithmas, Tommy Monson sent to me
A pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the second coming of Smithmas, Boydie Packer sent to me Two gay seagulls,
and a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the third day of Smithmas, Jimmy Faust sent to me The Three Nephites, Two gay elders,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Smithmas, Nealy Maxwell sent to me Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Smithmas, Gordy Hinckley sent to me Five "I don't know thats,"
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Smithmas, Dally Oaks gave to me Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Smithmas, Robby Hales gave to me Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Smithmas, L. Tommy Perry gave to me Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Smithmas, Davey Haight gave to me Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Smithmas, my Russy Ballard gave to me Ten tribes a-losing,
Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Smithmas, Jeffey Holland gave to me Eleven ear rings piercing,
Ten tribes a-losing,
Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Smithmas, Hanky Erying gave to me Twelve dummers dumming,
Eleven ear-rings piercing,
Ten tribes a-losing,
Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

To All the GA's I've Left Behind (tune: To All the Girls I've Loved Before - by Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias)

11/07/2014 - by PapaKen

(and I do mean General Authorities..... not gays)

To all the GAs I've left behind,
Who've traveled in and out my mind
I'm sad you came along,
and I address this song
to all the GAs I've left behind.

To all the GAs I once believed,
now I know I was deceived,
you helped me learn to lie,
and doubt and fear and cry.
to all the GAs I once believed.

To all the GAs I knew before,
and bishops, SPs, MPs and more,
you told me not to leave,
you told me just believe,
to faithfully ignore the lore.

But.....

The winds of change are always blowing
and every time I tried to stay.
The winds of change continued blowing.
I'm so glad they carried me away.

To all the GAs I used to know,
who gladly took my time and dough,
they're fading from my heart,
so glad I'm not a part
of all the GAs I used to know.

To all the GAs who play the game,
who keep telling lies, but without blame,
how can you call it right?
how can you sleep at night?

... aren't you ashamed?

Up In The Temple (tune: Up on the Housetop)

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

Up in the temple
Mormons pause:
Gordy's lust for Sheri draws
Stares from the grannies
With lots of jowls,
Cheers from the grampas:
Fossil howls!
"Oh, my, oh!
Look at him go!"
"Ho, ho, ho!
Go, Gord, GO!"
Up in the temple,
Gord Hinckley
And his gal Sheri
Getting twinkle-y.

After his playtime
With little Dew,
Robes askew, Gord saw his cue:
“Marry me, Sheri —
I love you true!”
Oh, you ol' prophet —
What a coup!
"I wasn't told:
You're so bold,
Fingers cold,
Too darn OLD!"
Up in the temple,
Gord Hinckley —
matrimonially
Celestinckley.

Off to the altar
Gord withdrew;
Her rejection made him blue!
Disobedience
Is not allowed:
"That dang female
Is way too proud!
Boo hoo hoo,
What do I do?
My little ewe
Has said adieu."
Up in the temple
Gordy schemes —
Who is next in
His marriage dreams?

Use Your Brain

(Tune: "Choose the Right" created by The Meme Warfare Project's Silly Song Skunkworks by Darren L)

Use your brain when a choice is placed before you.
Ed-u-ca-tion's light will be your guide.
And its power will skillfully protect you
When the unthinking come repeat their lies.

Chorus:

Use your brain! Use your brain!
Clear thought will guide your way before.
Please be sane, use your brain!
And you will find truth evermore.

Use your brain, skepticism is a virtue.
Occam's razor cuts the crap away.
There's no black and white to many questions.
Thinking will help you navigate the gray.

[chorus]

There are some who'll tell you to just o-bey.
They will say, "The thinking has been done!"
Use your brain, God made it for a reason.
Show them the thinking has just begun.

[chorus]

Ward Bathroom

(Tune : "Soul Kitchen" by The Doors - 07/29/2002 - created by Stray Mutt)

Well, the clerk says it's time to go now
I'd really like to go now
Afraid I'll have to stay here all night

The toxic fumes get in my eyes
Cleanser can is getting low
I'll have to go buy more supplies
Still one john to go
Still one john to go

Let me scrub all night in the ward bathroom
Elbow deep in the toilet bowl
Shine the john to a luster, baby
Sanitize the Lord's commode

Well, I'm as righteous as they get
Learned the Nephite alphabet
For this I gave up cigarettes
Hide my regrets
Hide my regrets
Hide my regrets

Let me scrub all night in the ward bathroom
Elbow deep in the toilet bowl
Shine the john to a luster, baby
Sanitize the Lord's commode

Well the clerk says it's time to go now
I'd really like to go now
Afraid I'll have to stay here all night
All night, all night, all night

Watching the Apostles

(Tune : "Elvis Costello's 'Watching the Detectives'" - 02/02/2003 - Stray Mutt)

(For extra effect, sing this along with the intro guitar riff: Come, come, ye saints...come, come, ye saints)

White men, not one with a defect
Cellophane shrink-wrapped, God's elect
Acting sincere for the camera lens
Four days of conference that never ends

We are watching the apostles
In their empty suits
We are watching the apostles
They're a hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot
Bear testimony 'til the teardrops start
But it can't be real because they've got no heart

So somber and so distinguished
Reading sermons in their own special English
Where love is obedience and fear is a virtue
Just follow the prophet and they won't have to hurt you
Up to the podium he wobbles and wheezes
The teleprompter is his pipeline to Jesus
I don't know how much more of this I can take
I'm craving a beer but I'm stuck in Salt Lake

Ooo, we're watching the apostles
In their empty suits
Yeah, we're watching the apostles
They're a hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot
Bear testimony 'til the teardrops start
But it can't be real because they've got no heart

Hinckley, Monson, Faust and Boyd K. Packer and
Haight, Perry, Maxwell, Oaks, they call me a slacker and
Nelson, Ballard, Wirthlin, Holland, Scott, Hales and Eyring
They sell pretty promises but there's no way I'm buying
It's the price you have to pay when you're stuck living with your parents
Who are eager to say the worst about your morals and appearance
It would really take a miracle to get me to stay
It only took one general conference to drive me away

Just from watching the apostles
Empty suits
Just from watching the apostles
They almost had me, then the bullshit starts
But I saw right through it and I'm not that smart

Watching the apostles...

We are all Blue Lodger’s

(Tune : "We Are All Enlisted" 07/22/2001 - by Enigma 03/13/2007)

We are all Blue Lodger’s we are loyal and true;
Mason’s are we! Mason’s are we!
A strong fraternal brotherhood from antiquity,
We will guard our secrets to the grave!
Entered Apprentice, Fellow of the Craft;
Through these degrees each Mason must pass.
Soon we’ll ascend to the Royal Arch Degree,
Our rituals, rituals foster loyalty.

[Chorus]

We are all Blue Lodger’s we are loyal and true;
Mason’s are we! Mason’s are we!
A strong fraternal brotherhood from antiquity,
We will guard our secrets to the grave!

We’ve got Mormons joining our great lodge by the droves,
Flattered are we! Flattered are we!
Growth like this we’ve never seen in our history,
Our influence surely will expand!
Wait, we’ve a problem! Lo behold the saints,
They’ve bastardized our rites! Such disgrace!
Up in the loft of Joseph’s brick store
They’re parroting, parroting our Masonic lore!

[Repeat Chorus]

We’ll disband the lodges of those treacherous saints!
Angered are we! Angered are we!
Mormon Masons have committed grave heresy,
Their betrayal cuts us to the heart!
Now Mormons claim celestial Masonry,
Sacred temple rites restored to purity!
Lifted directly from our liturgy
They’re traitors, traitors for eternity!

[Repeat Chorus]

We Are All Elitist

(Tune : "We Are All Enlisted" 07/22/2001 - cricket)

We are all elitist til the Olympics are o'er; Special are we!
Chosen are we! Darlings of the media, bright Oly gold is in store;
We shall win and wear it buy and buy. Haste to the sound byte, with mainstream appeal;
Smooze is our motto, P R is our shield. Stand by our Ensign;
Boasting we rave! We're gleefully, gleefully beating our own drum.

Chorus:
We are all elitist til the Olympics are o'er; Special are we!
Sunbeams are we! Pimping all the networks, for baptisms galore
We shall bribe and hide it buy and buy.

Hark! The sound of the gavel loudly and clear; Come all attorneys!
Come all reporters! We are praying now for plea bargains; jail time we do fear.
Rally round the scapegoats. Hark! Mitt Romney's our dear.
Lose not a sponsor, 'cuzz they will pay! Fight for our image;
Come, opinions to sway! We're pridefully, pridefully bragging 'bout our home.

Chorus:

Fighting for market share, Vatican's our foe; Giddy our we!
Cocky our we! Thank God for TV, our Mo-Tab Choir steals the show.
We shall win the verdict sly, sly, sly. Judge's on our side, why should we fear?
Gordon's our leader, the guv gives an near. They'll protect us with couplets and cheer.
We're humble-ee, hiding free, b'neath our capitol's dome.

Chorus:

We Are All Encrusted

(Tune : "We Are All Enlisted" 07/22/2001 - cricket)

We are all encrusted til the conference is o'er; Grumpy are we!
Comatose are we! Stuffed in our arm chairs, staying awake is a chore;
We shall snore and wheeze by and by. Haste to the pulpit, cameras now yield;
The teleprompter we use as a shield. Hosanna shout, hankies we wave!
We're awefully, dreadfully murmuring mono-tone.

Chorus:
We are all encrusted til the conference is o'er; Worshipped our we!
Adore-ed are we! G A's in the arm chairs, old geezers such a bore;
We shall wince and bear it, oh, my why?

Hark! Our death rattle sounding loudly and clear; Come join the rank!
We're stiff as a plank. We're awaiting the Grim Reaper, who'll volunteer.
Rally around the cranky and cross. Hark! Our Gordon we'll never betray.
Snooze not a moment, fake it all day! Fight for seniority;
You'll make prophet some day! We're robotically, robotically acting like clones.

Chorus:

Fighting for fiefdom, Boyd Packer's our foe; Desperate are we!
Panicky are we! Glad to be "The Brethren", we're all show and no go;
We shall strain and bicker and cry. Homosexuals may gather--why should we fear?
Gordon's our leader, mainstreaming is near. He'll soon change doctrine,
And comfort the queer. We longingly, longingly, miss our Tabernacle home.

Chorus:

We Are All Unlisted

(Tune: "We are All Enlisted" hymn 250" - 07/05/2001 by namyzarc)


1. We are all unlisted
Yes, the church can't find us.
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Freedom from the tithing,
We've now cash that we store.
We shall go and spend it
By and by.
We left our old wards
Quiet as a mouse.
Now the Mormons
Can't find the new house.
They'll call our family,
Friends, and ex-spouse.
They'll look for us, search for us,
But we have esca-aped.
We are all unlisted
Till the church tracks us down.
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Freedom from our garments!
There are boxers in stores.
We shall go and wear them
By and by.

2. Join our growing family
'cause you know that you should.
Come join our ranks! Come join our ranks!
If our prayers are answered,
We will be lost for good.
We'll enjoy this vict'ry
By and by.
The church is a sham
So why should we stay?
Leaving formally
Takes weeks of delay.
The quickest way out
Is to move far away.
We pack it up, move it out,
Finding a new ho-ome.
We are all unlisted
Till a friend of ours squeals.
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Freedom from our callings
There's a new day in store.
We'll enjoy our Sundays
By and by.

3. Hounded by home teachers?
Well, we no longer are.
Happy are we! Happy are we!
They shall try to hunt us down
But will not get far.
They shall get discouraged
By and by.
Priesthood may gather;
Why should we fear?
Without revelation,
They won't find us here.
And so we live happy,
Drinking a beer.
We're joyfully, joyfully
Keeping to ourse-elves.
We are all unlisted
In the membership files.
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Freedom from delusion!
There are great truths in store
We'll begin to learn them
By and by.

Welcome to the Temple

(Tune: "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n' Roses - 06/30/2001 - by Brainbutter)

Welcome to the temple
you'll recieve a brand new name.
So much for inspiration,
mine was just the same.
We altered a just few parts
of this wedding factory.
We took out certain penalties
after nineteen-ninety.

In the temple
Welcome to the temple
I have sufficient for my sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-needs, needs.
I wanna watch you sleep!

Welcome to the temple,
give a tithe of your pay.
Promise complete obedience
to every word we say.
And you're a very special girl
And your spirit's very sweet.
You'll have to wear these garments now
but you won't get them for free.

In the temple
Welcome to the temple
Feel my, my secret hand-shake
I, I wanna hear you sing!

(guitar solo)

Welcome to the temple
Watch the same film evryday
See Adam and Eve without no clothes
but the leaves are in the way.
Down come Jehovah and Elohim,
with a commandment, verily:
You can eat anything you want
But not from that there tree.

In the temple
Welcome to the temple
I hope you like this, this mythology
I watch you become sheep!

You know where you are?
You're in the temple, baby
You're gonna cry!
In the temple
Welcome to the temple
Watch it bring you to your knees, knees

Yea, let us go down, Ha

Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning

(Tune: "Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning" created by Jillian 07/17/2001)

Welcome, welcome Sabbath Morning. Time for church but we don't care.
While the Mormons rush to meetings we are glad we won't be there.
Hassled moms and fussy children. Priesthood dads in shirt and tie.
They go through this torture weekly, but I can't imagine why!

Chorus:

Welcome, welcome, Sabbath Morning. Time for church, but we don't care.
While the Mormons rush to meetings we are glad we won't be there.

Sunday worship for the Mormons with the group they call the 'ward'.
All three meetings smashed together - spend three hours being bored.
Cram three wards into one building. People crowding through the doors.
Blocs meet morning, noon or evening; just be sure you go to YOURS.

(chorus)

See the boys serve priesthood functions, as the girls sit looking sweet.
An important message sending, every week it will repeat.
As these sweet girls grow to women, they will leave the church behind.
Those who understand their value, are the ones they want to find.

(chorus)

Sit and listen, don't ask questions. Lessons tell us all we need.
Even though your brain is itching, just ignore it. Pay no heed.
Correlation wrote the manual, extra facts will just confuse.
If the members start to ponder, think how many they might lose.

We’re Not Racist

(Tune: "All Creatures Of Our God And King" - 03/16/2007 - created by Enigma)

Latter-Day Saints are full of grace,
Especially when it comes to race.
We’re not racists!
We’re not racists!
We offer blessings to all men!
No matter if they’ve colored skin!
We’re not racist!
Never racist!
Always equal
For all people!v We’re not racist!

True it was prior to Sev’nty Eight
All black folk bore the mark of Cain!
Slaves in heaven!
They were destined
To serve white Mormons after death.
That was the best they’d ever get!
So said prophets
And apostles.
It was doctrine!
Straight from scripture!
Racist assholes!

Old Brigham said “death on the spot!”
For any saint who mixed their lot
With the Negro!
Wretched Negro!
Banned from the priesthood for all time
For laziness in pre-earth life!
Lowly Negros.
Uncouth Negros.
Cain’s Descendants
Mortal servants
So said Brigham.

My! It’s amazing just how fast
Mormons deny their racist past!
For their image
Nothing’s sacred!
Lo Spencer Kimball in a coup
Suspends divinely sanctioned truths!
It’s not doctrine,
Just opinion;
Bullshit Spencer!
That’s a cop-out!
How convenient!

Now Gordon Hinckley is confused,
Feigning surprise when facing truth;
Why are Mormons
Blatant racists?
If he would just repudiate
And apologize for past mistakes!
Mormons might just
Do some thinking.
Wait! That’s dangerous
Let’s feign ign’rance!
So says Hinckley!

We Spank The O Gord For A Packer

(Tune: "We Thank Thee O God For A Prophet" - 06/30/2001 - cricket)

We spank thee, O Gord, for a Packer. Who scolds us in these latter-days.
We scorn thee for sending a Boyd, to deaden our minds with his phrase.
We curse thee for every “no, no,” bestowed by each shake of his head.
We despise the pressure to serve him, attending each conference with dread.

When dark clouds of trouble hang o’er us, and we breathe so heavy a sigh,
There’s no hope brightly before us, and we know a browbeating is nigh.
We doubt Boyd’s word, lacking in kindness, preached in conference now past,
The Zombies who join up in Zion, will surely be smitten at last.

We’ll sing of Boyd’s blues of harshness without mercy. We’ll flee Zion by day and by night.
Rejoice in our wee “little factories,” firing up our pleasures in spite.
Thus on to infernal perplexion , the Mo-bots and “neo-nazis” will go,
While those who reject Boyd’s message, shall ever such happiness know.

We Thank Thee O God For A Couplet

(Tune: We Thank Thee O God.." created by Sister Larry King)

We thank Thee, O God, for a couplet To guide us in these P.R. days.
We thank Thee for sending our Hinckley To lighten our minds with his phrase.
We thank Thee for every soundbite, Bestowed by thy bounteous funds.
We feel the pressure to to cheer thee, While the tough questions thou shuns.

When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us And threaten our image to destroy,
There's a dope smiling brightly before us, And we know that deception is nigh.
We doubt not the word nor its smoothness. Now proven  in days that are past.
The trick-ed who join with Zion, Will surely be smoozed at last.

We'll sing of Gordy's goodness and mercy. We'll haze him by day and by night,
Rejoice in his Mo-Mo-tone spell, And wither in life snuffing trite.
Thus onto eternal inflection, The gullible and naive will go,
While they who reject this sad message, Shall ever such happiness show.

We Thank Thee O God For A Profit

created by Jillian - 04/18/2001

We thank thee, O God, for a prophet
To spin things in these latter daze.
We thank thee for sending us someone
Who claims he can see through the haze.
We thank thee for every half truth
He has shared with our friend, Larry King.
And we know that he just glosses over
All the pain that this strange church can bring.

When new facts of history hang o'er us
And threaten the church to betray,
The Hinkster just grins there before us
And demands no attention we pay.
Oh, we probably don't really teach that,
Or it might be a blip on the screen.
It's really just wonderful and marvelous
And that old stuff was just a bad dream.

We'll sing of his travels and temples,
Of the growth of the church near and far.
Though he's really just messing with numbers,
And the point of it all is P.R.
"The Prophet" is just what we call him.
Like a couplet that's long past its prime.
The PROFIT is really the leader;
It's the dollar that wins every time.

We Thank Thee O God For Committees

(Tune: "We Thank Thee, Oh God Prophet" - created by Enigma - 03/21/2007)

We thank thee O God for committees
To tell us just how we should think.
To purge us of logic and reason,
And make of us pure mindless sheep!
Our lessons are all correlated,
We dare not discuss our research.
We’ve learned that to do so is dang’rous
And fractures the peace of the church.

If cognitive dissonance should plague us
And threaten our peace to destroy,
The church correlation committee
Responds with nonsensical ploys.
They’ve edited, revised and redacted
Our colorful history and creeds.
They’ve banned us from critical inq’ry
And limited the books we can read.

Our conscience collectively’s a vacuum,
We can only recite what we’re fed.
It’s worse than an Orwellian nightmare;
We’re breathing but ment’lly we’re dead!
So now we are basic’lly puppets
Obeying our leaders for life.
We can’t ever hope for salvation
Unless we can see through the lie!

We Thank Thee O Lord For A Profit

(Tune: "We Thank Thee, Oh God Prophet" - created by Neophi and Trinity - 11/02/2002)

We thank Thee, oh Lord, for a profit
to guide our heart ev'ry day.
We thank Thee for granting us servants
who always will pay and obey.
Each day when we're counting our "blessings"
we love ev'ry penny they tithe.
Don't worry 'bout savings or pension,
there'll always be the widows mithe.

We thank Thee, oh Lord, for our condo's,
it's a bonus we've come to expect.
It's not like we are getting a payment,
it's just free and we don't object!
We often spend time in an airplane.
Oh, we wish we could travel each day!
Only first class for Thy humble servants,
we don't mind 'cause we don't have to pay.

We thank Thee, oh Lord, for our power,
they will follow wherever we lead.
It's as simple as the Pied Piper:
change the tune and they'll follow the beat!
And should anything get too offensive,
we can always reveal "further truth"!
We really don't know that we teach that,
we'd deny anything, and we should!

We Were All Just Sperm In God's Balls

(Tune: an approximation of "Seeds," by Pat Alger, and recently sung by Kathy Mattea. (Napster search: Artist: Mattea Title: Seeds created by Jonathan Higbee petcrows@yahoo.com).

1st verse:

Sometimes I wonder about my spirit
That the Mormon God put in me
And I remember what my Institute
Teachers told to me
I remember how they told me just
how the Mormon God
created all his spirit chil-dren
so that we could live on sod

Chorus:

We were all just sperm in God's balls
We started out the same but the mother we had
could'a been anyone of million concubines
we were all just sperm in God's balls

2nd verse:

So with this news I now lay back
in my bed with fright
'cause I'm not sure if I'll be able to poke
a million women every night
but then I start to do the math
and I realize one thing
that I better damn well get planet size balls if my children are gonna sing

Chorus:

We were all just sperm in God's balls
We started out the same but the mother we had
could'a been anyone of million concubines
we were all just sperm in God's balls

3rd verse (using the same melody as the other verses which the original
song does not do):

When Joseph Smith created Mormonism
There's no wonder about this truth
That horny religious leaders have sex on the brain
and their doctrine is the proof
The final salvation of Mormonism
is to have sex for eternity
but let's once again do the math
to figure out if we'll ever get to pee

Final Chorus as follows:

At ten billion people in a million years
that comes out to be about an orgasm an hour
Boy howdy life in heaven's gonna be one big fuckin' party
because we were all just sperm in God's planet size balls
We were all just sperm, in His balls

We Wish You a Special Smithmas

12/20/2006 - by flattopSF

We Wish You a Special Smithmas
We Wish You a Special Smithmas
We Wish You a Special Smithmas
And some callings this year!
Our tithing we bring
To Church from our kin;
Our Tithing for Smithmas
And some callings this year!

We'll go to the Tabernacle
We'll go to the Tabernacle
We'll go to the Tabernacle
To see Conf'rence here!
The choir will sing
As Gordon's sleeping,
Boyd will berate us
And then we'll all cheer!

We all want some Priesthood Blessings
We all want some Priesthood Blessings
We all want some Priesthood Blessings
Perform them right here!
Our children we bring,
Commandments keeping;
Anoint us! Appoint us!
At the Gentiles we sneer!

We're going up to the Temple
We're going up to the Temple
We're going up to the Temple
With our robes and headgear.
To learn about God,
And hold to the rod.
And maybe we'll meet him —
Our Prophet so dear!

What an Abominable World by Boyd K Packer

(Tune: "What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong" created by Harry - 07/18/2003)

I see bars on the street........ Starbucks too
I see people go in..... I even saw you
And I think to myself.... what an abominable world.

I see gay men holding hands... hear rap music in cars
I see ads on TV...for movies that are rated R.
And I think to myself...what a wicked and perverse world.

The people mowing their lawns...are doing it on Sunday
Why don’t they understand...that’s almost as bad as being gay.
I see unmarried couples...fornicating on TV
I broke down and cried...when I saw Oprah drinking tea.

I gave my neighbor a Book of Mormon...and a copy of the D&C.
I waved to my neighbor today...but I think he’s avoiding me.
And I think to myself...what a cruddy, cruddy world

(instrumental break)

The people who don’t believe...are persecuting me
Why don’t they leave me alone...and let me be free.
I see friends shaking hands...saying “how do you do?”
What they’re really saying...is “I hate Mormons too.”

I say my night time prayers...pray for those who need it most.
Then climb into bed...and tie my hand to the bed post
And I think to myself...what an abominable world
Yes I think to myself...what an abominable world.

What if God Were One of Us?

(Tune: "unknown" created by Pope Piel I - 04/01/2007)

If God had a frame that's just like us
And you could tweak His nose...
If you were alone with Him
And Heav'nly Mom
What would you ask if you had just one question?

And yeah, yeah, God eats dates
Yeah, yeah, God's a dude
Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

What if God was one of us?
Had a bod like one of us
Just a fare on the Kolob bus
Trying to hie His way home

If God had a face, hmmm, would it be white?
And would you want to see
If sinnin' meant that
you would start to turn black?
And forfeit blondes who are latter day saints
and all CK cavortings

Trying to earn my way home
Way up to heaven -- level one
Gentiles calling me a clone
duped by Joe and Briggy Young.

And yeah, yeah, God eats dates
Yeah, yeah, God's a dude
Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

Just trying to earn my way home
Like a ever grinnin' drone
Way up to heaven -- level one
Just trying to earn my way home
Gentiles calling me a clone
duped by Joe and Briggy Young.

What Man Is This?

(Tune: "Greensleeves" created by wjd - 12/03/2006)

What Man is This who laid his wives on
his big brass bed is sleeping whom
Emma greet with angry shove-
While Emma's watch is keeping?
This- this is Joseph Smith whom
Emma guard and denies abuse
Haste Haste to bring him laud
the man, the prophet of Mormons!

What lies he told, such mean estate,
where ass and wives are keeping?
Good Christian, fear for sinners here,
The silent word is pleading.
Musket balls shall pierce him through,
the man shall fall from window sill,
Hail Hail the word made death,
the man, the prophet of Mormons.

What bring him tithing gold and wealth,
come peasant, king, to extortion.
Believe Believe the greatest hoax,
let brainwashing control your mind.
Raise Raise the cash on high the
Prophet sings his lullaby
Joy Joy for tithing saves,
the man, the prophet of Mormons!

When you’re a Mo

(Tune: "'The Missionary Song' to the 'Jet Song' from Leonard Bernstein's West Side Story," created by elee - 07/03/2003

When you’re a Mo,
You’re a Mo all the way
From your first testament
Till your garments turn grey
When you’re a Mo,
Let them do what they can,
You got brothers around,
You’re a spiritual man!
You’re never alone,
You’re never disconnected!
You’re home with your own--
When company’s expected,
You’re well protected!
Then you are set
With the sign of the Nail,
Which you’ll never discuss
Or they’ll pull your entrails .
When you’re a Mo,
You stay
A MO!

When you’re a Mo,
You’re the authority,
You’re the sole voice of law
Who requires no peace!

When you’re a Mo,
You seem birthed from a pod.
You’ve a Kingdom to build;
For you’ll soon be a God!

ALL
The Mos are in gear,
Got Book of Mormon flip charts!
So ex-mo’s steer clear
‘Cause every one of them is
deceived of Satan!

ALL
Here come the Mo’s
Like a bat out of heck--
Someone gets in our way
Gets a BOM to the neck!

Here come the Mo’s
With a smile so serene!
Better trade us your souls,
Better pay your tithing!

We’re drawin’ the line,
So keep your habits hidden!
We’re hangin’ a sign
Says “Drinking Is Forbidden”--
And we ain’t kiddin!
Here come the Mo’s,
Yeah! And we’re gonna beat
Every last religion
On the whole flippin’ street!

One the whole!
Flippin’--!
Ever --!
Fetchin’--!
Street!!

Where have all the feminists gone?

(Tune: "Where have all the flowers gone by Pete Seeger" - created by cricket - 06/14/2004)

Where have all the feminists gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the free thinkers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the real women gone?
Boyd has x’d them every one
When will the GA’s ever learn?
When will they get their turn?

Where have all the young women gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the virgins gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the innocents gone?
Taken by polyg’s every one
When will the GA’s ever learn?
When will they show concern?

Where have all the young men gone?
"And it came to pass"-ing
Where have all the duped young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the iron rodders gone?
Gone for two years every one
When will GA’s ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the home teachers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the visiting teachers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the Danites gone?
Gone to extinction every one
When will they ever return?
When will the GA’s learn?

Where has all the tithing gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the offerings gone?
Long time no doe
Where has all the cash flow gone? Exmormons flourishing every one
When will the GA’s learn?
When will they ever learn?

Whip It

(Tune: punk tune "Whip It" - created by JohnC of the recovery board - 09/24/2001)

crack that whip
give the Boyd the slip
step on a crack
break the church's back

you know the morg is wrong
you must whip it
before the cream sits out too long
you must whip it
mormon girls they wait too long
you must whip it

now whip it
into shape
shape it up
get straight
go forward
move ahead
try to detect it
it's not too late
to whip it
whip it good

when a good time turns around
you must whip it
the morg will get you down
unless you whip it
no one finds the truth
until they whip it

i say whip it
whip it good

Who Knows If Jesus Ever Lived?

(Tune: "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" - created by Enigma 03/13/2007)

Who knows if Jesus ever lived?
The record’s inconclusive.
We think that maybe he was there.
But we’re not exactly sure quite where!
Nazereth; or maybe Galilee?
Radical; or maybe Pharisee?
Could it be? It’s nothing more than myth?
Like the Titans, Thetans or the Sith!

Who knows what Jesus really did?
The history’s muddled as it is.
Some claim his miracles brought hope,
Others claim he lead a mass revolt.
Gentle healer; or redacted myth?
Humble teacher; or an anarchist?
All we know is that we do not know;
‘Cause this story’s full of gaping holes!

Was Jesus Christ God’s son divine?
Ask Paul, he came up with that line.
A Pagan Roman true and sure
He infused the facts with myth and lore.
Trust Christ Jesus or you’ll burn in hell!
This assurance serves believers well!
For they know, Christ Jesus is the way
Facts be damned! Christ Jesus is the way!

With Couplets All Around

(Tune: "With Arms Wide Open by Creed" - created by Matthew 07/20/2001)

Well I just heard Conference today,
It seems doctrine has kind of changed.
We used to believe
God was once a man
But it turns out, it was just a phrase.

With Couplets all around
In the true church
Welcome brand new convert
It will confuse you greatly
With Couplets all around

Well I don't know
That we teach that
It's more couplet than anything
I'll swallow it blindly
And deny unique doctrine
Then all my friends
Will think we're Christian

With Couplets all around
In the true false church
But we won't tell you about that
With Couplets all around

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope the church decides what
It'll choose to believe
I can't take the changes
Won't God quit changing his mind
With milk before meat
It'll drive you insane

With Couplets all around
In this abomination
Welcome to this church
We used to kill apostates
With Couplets all around
Yeah...
With Couplets all around.....

The "Wonderful World" of Randy Jordan by Tal Bachman

In honour of Randy J., who has spent so many hours online discussing Mormonism with members, many of whom are incredibly ignorant of church history and doctrine, I submit my own version of the Sam Cooke song, "Wonderful World".

(Cue maestro)

Don't know much about polygamy
Don't know much about theocracy
Don't know much about Elohim
I've never even heard of “Kokaubeam”
But I know that Joseph never lied
Cos when you feel you're right – it means you're right
What a wonderful church this has been

Don't know much about DNA
Don't know much about being gay
Don't know much about electroshocks
I barely listen to the conference talks
But I know the scriptures are all true
Even though I've never read them through
What a wonderful church this has been

Now I don't claim to be a big expert
And I'm not trying to be
Cos I know through the power of the spirit
That one and one make three

Don't know much about Peterson
Don't know much about Sorenson
Don't know much about Midge or Gee
Don't know much about Hugh Nibley
But I know folks rode on tapirs and goats
And Jaredites survived in upside down boats
What a wonderful church this has been

Now I'm not trying to cause irritation
I'm just stating facts
Every church but mine is an abomination
Run by Satan's hacks

Don't know much about reality
Don't know much epistemology
Don't know much about the mental states
That make somebody “see” invisible plates

(multiple repeat on the this last B section)

I've never heard of Zina Huntington
I've never heard of Wild Bill Hickman
I've never heard of Hoffmann's clever fakes
That fooled “the seers” and made them look like flakes
And what is more, is I don't even care
Cos I've been broken like an old brood mare
I'll send my kids on missions even though
If I was wrong, I wouldn't want to know
And if they die for what is someone's fraud
I'll keep imagining they died for God
Cos Mormonism is my “heritage”
My group of friends, my bloated self-image
My “paradigm”, my favourite fantasy
I rather like the group security
And even when the prophet's wholly wrong
I'll keep obeying like a slavish drone
So you can stuff your comments, Randy J.
I won't listen to a word you say
You can keep your facts, your logic, too
Cos in the end, this isn't 'bout what's “true”
In the name of truth, I fear the truth
So I don't wanna hear your “solid proof”
All I wanna do is close my eyes
Shut my ears, and tell myself I'm right

What a wonderful church this has been

---

Thanks for all those great posts, Randy J.

_________________________________________________________

Ye Danites Out In Gallatin

(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" - – old English Christmas carol - 03/13/2007 - created by Enigma)

Ye Danites out in Gallatin
The prophet you obey,
Go loot and pillage settlers
Go burn some stacks of hay!
Missouri mobs their depredations
We must now repay!
With musket and pistol we will go,
We will go!
With powder, ball and pistol we will go!

With side-arms primed and ready
We’re eager as can be,
To purge Far West of heretics
Like Phelps and Cowdery!
It’s time to show the mobs and saints
That vengeance we will seek,
Regardless of what the scriptures teach,
What they teach!
Regardless of what Christian scriptures teach!

To Joseph pledge your loyalty
His every whim obey!
Since he is God’s true spokesman
There is no other way!
As Rigdon said the earth like salt
Has lost its savored taste!
The gentiles must surely be laid waste,
Laid to waste!
Go forth! Exterminate them! Lay them waste!

You'll Fry Away

(Tune: "Sent to Gordon Hinckley as Condolence for the loss of the missus") - created by drstevej

Some glad morning when this life is o'er you'll fry away
To a home in the burnin' Lake of Fire you'll fry away
Oh you'll fry away oh Glory you'll fry away when you die hallelujah by and by you'll fry away
When the deceptions of your life have gone you'll fry away
Like a catfish sauteed in a pan you'll fry away
Oh you'll fry away oh Glory you'll fry away when you die hallelujah by and by you'll fry away

Just a few more pay le ale's and then you'll fry away
To a land where Kolob never shines you'll hie away
Oh you'll fry away oh Glory you'll fry away when you die hallelujah by and by you'll fry away
Oh you'll fry away oh Glory you'll fry away when you die hallelujah by and by you'll fry away

You're Not What Needed

(Tune: "Just What I Needed" by the Cars") - created by Stray Mutt - 12/22/2004

I don’t want you coming here
And wasting all my time
’Cause when you’re standing at my door
I kinda lose my mind
It’s not the cookies that you bring
It’s not the carols that you sing
I don’t want a single thing
Stop wasting all our time

I don’t want you showing up
Or calling when we sleep
It doesn’t matter what you want
You just give us the creeps, yeah
You sure don’t listen very well and
You look so clueless, can’t you tell
I don’t want you hanging out
You, or the other sheep

We’ll give a call if you’re needed
(But you’re not needed)
But you’re not needed, you see
We’ll give a call if you’re needed
(No you’re not needed)
Bug someone else but not me

We don’t want your lessons now
We don’t need you to pray pray
Don’t need you asking how we are
So run along and play, yeah
Don’t want the gospel that you share
Please understand we just don’t care
We don’t want you coming here
And wasting all our time

We’ll give a call if you’re needed
(But you’re not needed)
But you’re not needed, you see
We’ll give a call if you’re needed
(No you’re not needed)
Bug someone else but not me

We’ll give a call if you’re needed
(But you’re not needed)
But you’re not needed, you see
We’ll give a call if you’re needed
(No you’re not needed)
Bug someone else but not me
Yeah, yeah, don’t bug me

You’re not what we needed
You’re not what we needed
Yeah, you’re not what we needed
Yeah, yeah yeah

You're so vain Joseph

(Tune: "You're so vain by Carly Simon") - created by cricket - Dec 2004

You walked into the Sacred Grove
Like your rod was big as a yacht
Your hand mysteriously grabbed my thigh
You pretended to pray a lot
You had an eye that made me quiver
Like you could lay me on the spot
And all the girls you dreamed
That they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and...

You're so vain You're so vain
You probably think this song praises you
You're so vain You're so vain
I'll bet you wish my arms were about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well you said we made an eternal pair
And that you would never deceive.

But you hid all of the girls you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams
They were clouds in my Postum
Clouds in my Postum and ...

You're in sain
You probably think all hymns are about you
You're a pain
I'll bet you think this tune praises you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well I hear you fled to Adam-Ondi-Ahman
On your horse with another one
Then you claimed Adam's altar was an omen
To see the Second Coming of the Son.

Well, you said you'd be with me through all time
And when you're not you're with
Another on the sly
Or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and....

You're pro fane
You probably think women are about you
You're mun dane
I'll bet you shrink when Emma smites you
Won't you? Won't you?

You've Lost That Borgy Feelin'

(Tune: "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" - created by MaKolob 1998)

1.
You never bow your head anymore when the prophet speaks.
Girl, I heard you call all the brethren a bunch of geeks.
I'm trying hard not to show it, baby.
But baby, baby, I know it...

chorus:
You've lost that borgy feeling, undone a temple sealin'
You've killed the testimonkey, now it's gone, gone, gone,
And you still go on, whoa-oh-oh...

2.
There's no spark in your eye when I say that the church is true.
Girl, you're starting to criticize little things Hink do.
It makes me just feel like cryin' baby,
Cause baby, something beautiful's dyin'...

chorus:
You've lost that borgy feeling, undone a temple sealin'...
You've killed the testimonkey, now it's gone, gone, gone,
And you still go on, whoa-oh-oh...

3.
Baby, baby, now get down on your knees and stay.
I am god's man, and I know the priesthood way, yeah.
We had a plan, a plan, a plan that worked quite well,
Until you started to think for yourself --- aw, Hell!

interlude:
Baby, baby, baby, baby...
Oh why, oh why? (Oh why, oh why?)
Won't you stuff and deny? (Won't you stuff and deny?)

4.
There's no reverence now, like before when you knew your place.
Your submission was such a match for your vacant face.
It makes me so disappointed, baby;
Cause baby, I was priesthood-annointed....

chorus:
You've lost that borgy feeling, and all my power you're stealin'
Pure inspiration tells me that you're wrong, wrong, wrong...
You're too strong, strong, strong...
Whoa, whoa-oh-oh...

Yucky Submarine

(Tune: "Yellow Submarine" with sincere apologies to Lennon/McCartney - created by cricket - 11/15/2003)

In Bountiful where I was born
Lived Nephi who sailed to sea
And he told us of his life
’Cuz he built a curious submarine

He claimed to sail from Arabia
’Til he found the promised land
Scooting beneath the waves
In that spurious submarine

We all live in our dish-tight submarine
Dish-tight submarine, dish-tight submarine
We can’t breath in our dish-tight submarine,
Dish-tight submarine, dish-tight submarine

And our family is all on board
Laman and Lemuel ignore the Lord
And Nephi they want to slay

We’re all crammed in our stinky submarine
Stinky submarine, stinky submarine
Many animals live in our stinky submarine
Stinky submarine, stinky submarine

As we live a life of grief
Swept upside down we nearly drown
Sighs and blues and puke green heaves
Dying in our perilous submarine

Who farted in our smelly submarine?
Smelly submarine, smelly submarine
We must pee in our yellow submarine
Latrine submarine, latrine submarine

No windows in our yucky submarine
Yucky submarine, yucky submarine
Welcome FARMS, to our yucky submarine
Yucky submarine, yucky submarine

Zion’s Camp

(Tune: "Hark All Ye Nations” #264"- created by Enigma - 03/26/2007)

Hark saints of Kirtland
Lend me your ear;
We’re marching off to
Zion this year!
Saints in Missouri
Are in distress!
We go to seek redress!

[Chorus]

Hail the prophet!
Commander in Chief!
He says God
Will champion this relief.
Vanquish our enemies
Without delay!
Zion, our God shall save!

Chosen by God
Our prophet it’s true
Though it’s apparent
He has’n a clue
How we shall rescue
Missouri saints;
When mobs we shall engage!

[Repeat Chorus]

O’ercome by sickness
Storms and fatigue;
We are in no shape
E’er to proceed!
Caught in a bind
Our ‘prophet’ proclaims;
We’re cursed for lack of faith!

[Repeat Chorus]

Joseph the warrior
Negotiates;
Pledging surrender
Of Missouri saints!
Mormons will leave the
County in peace.
Cowardly Joe retreats!

[Repeat Chorus]

Joseph the blust’rer
Talks a good fight;
Verbal bravado
Bravery ignites!
But if perchance
Our enemies assail,
Joe’s valiant heart shall fail!

[Chorus 5th verse]

Lo our prophet
Hastens to retreat!
We’re embarrassed
By this quick defeat!
God, so it seemed
Had spoken too soon.
‘Ere Zion’s Camp was doomed!

Comments Section

Wow Mormons, or Latter-Day Saints if you prefer, you really CAN'T laugh at yourselves, can you? You know in my experience, if you have to scream and shout to make sure no one says anything bad about what you believe, it's usually 'cause what you're believing in isn't true and you already know it. It's to be expected I suppose, since thinking for yourself is about as popular as a hot cup of coffee or a cold beer with these folks. - 02/28/2009 - ndlesdream

Testimony = "Self Flagellation". They should make new Hymns to sing to go with it.-

"I Love To Invalidate"

"Jesus Wants Me For a Moonshot"

"A Poor Wayfaring Man of Excess Tithing"

"Oh Say What is Truth?" ( a keeper.....they never use it)

"I Wander Through The Still of the Night" (gnarly- no need to change that)

"I'm a Pilgrim. You're a Stranger"

"There is Mortgage Fraud All Around"

"Ere You Left Your Senses This Morning"

"High On the Seroquel"

"I Have a Family Here On Earth" (just....."Unearthly")

"My Country, 'Tis of Me"

"Welcome, Welcome Prozac Morning"

"I Know That My Self-Pity Lives"

"Come, Come Ye Victims" - 07/07/2008 - dja at Recovery from Mormonism

You are absolutely sick. There's no logical base for anything in these lyrics, they're just blind shots at the Mormons. Either get something with a logical base to it or get a life. - 04/01/2007 - anon

you know im 16 and its really interesting to see how IMMATURE you all are for these ridiculous songs! you think your cool or funny, well think again bc its offensive and STUPID! As latter day saints we do not demean any other religion in any format! we support everyone else, and like most every other religion we have missionaries... ours are different bc A.) they're "mormon" and B.) bc they dress up in church dress so when we introduce ourselves we are giving a good first impression and looking professional and like we want to be there.

As a member of the LDS church im done with the term "mormon" bc believe it or not that is demeaning and you might sound a little more perspicacious by calling us Latter Day Saints... but if you want to sound nonsensical then whatever i guess thats a personal problem. but im sorry that everyone thinks we are such a substandard religion.

But here are a few questions about your religions that you can ponder:

-Can you go ANYWHERE in the ENTIRE WORLD and find a church w/ the EXACT same name and is teaching the EXACT same lesson at your building?

-Where does all the money for your "tithing" go? ... most likely it goes to the churches building funds, so we can "expand" and send people on mission trips in Rome! Ours goes to missionaries, our cannaries, the building of temples so everyone, everywhere has the ability to visit a temple and get a true feeling of God's love for them!

-Do you have missionaries preaching for your gospel everywhere? we do!

-how long do your missionaries serve? ours serve 2 years, BY CHOICE, NOT FORCE!!!

-do people actually have to move/travel from there homes to the location of your ONE building.

And now for some statistics on the LDS religion:

-In 2001 there were 11,394,522 members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Here's the breakdown:

United States-5,208,827
South America-2,548,979
Mexico-884,071
Asia-750,478
Central America-472,038
Europe-412,907
South Pacific-363,875
Canada-158,511
Africa-153,565
Caribbean-115,610
-Temples in operation 114

-CHURCH MEMBERSHIP

Total membership at year end 11,721,548
Increase in children of record during 2002 81,132
Converts baptized during 2002 283,138

-CHURCH UNITS

Number of Missions 335
Number of Stakes 2,602
Districts 641
Wards and Branches 26,143

but you know whatever if that is not enough, then that is unfortunate for you... you will be judged in the end for your crimes! - 03/30/2006 - Brittany, LDS girl trying to survive in a materialistic world!

Oh the ignorance and frailty of men. When they are learned, they think themselves wise and hearken not unto the councils of God. But, to be learned is good, if you hearken to the councils of God.

Read all the lyrics, and tell me who you'd believe. Personally, I think whining tends to weaken a case, don't you? Not only will you see tons of whining in these lyrics, but you'll also fell bad, an actual sort of sickness in your gut... that means that these lyrics are lies.

So, good luck, and listen to your heart, because it will tell you the truth. Then, go ask God, and He will let you know personally what is true. - 03/27/2006 - Defender of truth

I would like to say that this is the most disgusting thing I have ever read. To those this may concern:

Whomever writing these ridiculous songs should think about what they are truley saying. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has never made a point of creating controversy between any other faith or religion. It is you, the people writing these things, who have created the controversy between the mormons and yourselves.

Mormons believe in choice and accountability, saying that you have the choice to do what you will. But remember, with every choice, there is a consequence, either good or bad. So whom ever writing these songs should be prepared for the consequences awaiting them in the end. The Latter Day Saints have never taught anything other than the truth and whome ever writing these songs should think about the first ammendment in the Bill of Rights....Freedom of Religion. So before taking the church's very songs and turning them into blasphemy, remember that the reason you are in this country is to obtain your freedom. Shouldn't the Latter Day Saints have the freedom to live without the ridicule of others just as you have? - 06/22/2005 - Concerned Reader

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