Jokes for Home and Visiting Teachers

As of 02/04/2010 there are 241 jokes posted. When the High Councilman tries to get away with these jokes in Sacrament Meeting, the Bishop will give him the "evil eye" but you can get away with these especial jokes as part of your monthly Home and Visiting Teaching messages.

Please submit your jokes in the text box at the bottom of this page.

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? - 02/04/2010 - by lol and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: At least six: One to change the light bulb; one to deny that there was any change made; one to say that we shouldn't focus on the change--only the need for light; one to say we don't teach that the light bulb needed changing in the first place; one to say that the changer was acting for himself and not as an official changer; and one to say "who cares who changed the bulb, don't you feel the burning of the light?


Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If it's Relief Society, it takes four.
One to fix refreshments,
One to bring the tablecloth,
One to design the centerpiece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it's the Bishopric, forget it,
They don't do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council
And delegate it to the Elders.

If it's the Elders, it takes four.
Three that don't show up, and
One to change the bulb.

If it's the High Priests, it takes four.
Two to push the wheel chairs,
One to handle the oxygen tank,
And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it's the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.


Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to say an opening prayer, one to give a talk on changing light bulbs, one to change the light bulb, and one to say a closing prayer.

Q: How many home teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. And even though they didn't change any light bulbs this month, they promise to change one hundred percent of their light bulbs next month.


Another Mormon joke.

A Mormon man decided after his 11th child that he just couldn't afford any more. As this was bearing on his mind while driving home from work a few days later he happened to notice the sign in front of a local Baptist Church which read, "Dr. Carl Simmons, Pastor". So he stopped and went unto the Church office and told the Pastor his problem.

The Pastor replied, "What you need is a vasectomy".

"What's that, Doc"?, replied the Mormon.

Realizing he was a Mormon The Baptist minister replied, "Well, you go home, sit down, take an empty beer can, light a cherry bomb, drop it in the beer can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten."

"Hold on there, Doc," came the reaction. "I'm not the smartest guy around but I know that's gotta hurt, isn't there a better way?".

"Well, that's my advice'", said the Pastor.

So he left, thinking he would ask another doctor. A few days later, he noticed that a different Baptist church also had a doctor's name on their sign, and went inside. After explaining his problem, the Pastor was just about to tell him that he was not a medical doctor, when he realized that the man was a Mormon. So he said:

"Go home, light a cherry bomb, drop it in an empty been can, hold it to your ear and count to ten."

So, thinking the opinion of two learned physicians could not be wrong, he went home to follow their advice. He took an empty beer can and a cherry bomb, lit the cherry bomb, dropped it in the can, put it to his ear and began counting....1...2...3....4....5... at which point he paused, put the can between his legs, and continued counting on the other hand.


Mormons don't change lightbulbs, they prefer to remain in the dark. - by Jonny the Smoke


Naw, changing light bulbs is women's work. by Bishop Bullshipper


Magic fish or the emperors new clothes - by lol

Many years ago we had an aquarium. Slowly, one by one, all of the fish died, but for some reason we kept the aquarium up and running for months afterward (I guess we were trying to decide whether or not to buy more fish).

Anyway, the elders came over for dinner many times during those months and always looked in the aquarium for the fish. We told them that there was something special in that aquarium and that only the most righteous missionaries could actually see the fish. It was amazing how many of those elders saw fish in an empty aquarium!!! :)


The lights are on but nobody's home to change em. - by mootman


How many Aaronic Priesthood holders does it take?

One - he just holds up the light bulb and waits for the whole world to revolve around him. - by Ed


How many Mormons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? U want the scholarly answer?

Well, nowadays, there should only be two and they should be married to each other. They should also be tiny enough to fit in the lightbulb. OTOH, they could screw in a lightbulb without being married to each other, but then they wouldn't be very good Mormons and probably wouldn't be Mormons for long in any case, given the fact that light bulbs are transparent. People who screw in lightbulbs can be easily identified and reported to appropriate priesthood authorities.

In the old days, there could be dozens of people screwing in a lightbulb, as long as one of them was a lecherous old priesthood holder and the rest of them were his plural wives...and they too would all have to be tiny enough to fit into the light bulb--unless they were inside of a really huge lightbulb, which technically could have been possible. Regardless of the size of the lightbulb, they would have to be careful not to break the glass while screwing in the lightbulb. It's a standard precaution, but one that bears repeating.

I hope that answers the question with the sobriety that it deserves. - by Gorspel Dacktrin


Depends on how many wives you have. - by Maria


A blonde mormon.

What's a light bulb? And why is it so dark in here? - by 6 iron


Funny Utah jokes from 12/20/2009 Salt Lake Tribune by various comedians - submitted by Runner's Bro

Blake Bard - "I'm very curious about the [LDS] temple. I'm pretty sure it's where they keep their secret fry sauce recipe."

Aaron Burrell - "People are always coming up to me and saying, 'Hey, wow, you're tall, do you play basketball?' Um, no. [I want to say] 'You're fat. Do you sumo wrestle?' "

Aaron Burrell - "When cannibals go on diets, do they eat vegans?"

Scott Bennett - "I love Utah, I love all the neat Mormon names you guys have for all of your cities: Nephi, Manti, Lehi, Moroni. And then [south] of Salt Lake City, you have this little town called Murray. And I'm just like, 'Hey! Who invited the Jew?' "

Mike Jenkins - "My car breaks down all the time, so I took it to my mechanic. He told me to treat my car like it's my baby -- it will last a lot longer. I wasn't sure what the heck that meant. I just drove it to my ex-girlfriend's house and abandoned it."

Keith Stubbs - "I'm originally from the South. I am always asked, 'What is South Carolina like?' Well, it's kind of like Mississippi, but without that zeal for higher education."

Rodney Norman - "I'm Mormon, and to this day I cannot sit through a boring meeting without the uncontrollable desire to eat Cheerios from a small plastic bag."

Ryan Hamilton - "I'm kind of enjoying this recession. I haven't had a job in years, and now I have people to hang out with."

Jerry Mabbott - "I'm such a bad parent. When the Huggies package says it holds up to 26 pounds, I didn't know they were talking about the weight of the kid."

Mike Anderson - "Someone once told me that every time you laugh, you add seven seconds to your life. I think that's great. Unless you burn to death."

Heather Mabbott - "My friends and I celebrated Martin Luther King Day by going to the Cracker Barrel."

Dave Dennison - "My mom got so mad at me last Christmas. She said she wanted a Crock Pot. I thought she said 'crack pipe.' "

John Moyer - "I love Deseret Industries. They take old clothing, clean them up and then sell them at a cheap price. I dropped all my suits off there and bought then back for two bucks apiece. I save a fortune on dry cleaning!"

Bengt Washburn - "I pierced my nipple ... fishing."

Spencer King - "In high school, my best friend's nickname was Bambi. We called him that because his mom got shot."

Spencer King - "I think women should come with a Carfax."

Guy Seidel - " I've noticed that many states like to put a picture of what they are famous for on their license plates. Apparently Wyoming has a lot of angry horses. I think Wyoming should put what they are really famous for. They should show a minivan headed back to Utah full of bottle rockets and liquor."

Steve Soelberg - "I work at a lab trying to find the cure for cancer. That's why on the long days I like to yell out, 'Found it! Quick, cancel the 5K! Call Lance Armstrong and tell him no more bracelets!' "

Steve Soelberg - My friend likes to give me advice for the ladies. He says, 'Chicks dig scars.' Well, he never had severe acne."

Jerry Mabbott - "I am feeling bloated. This morning I ran out of Total and had to eat 13 bowls of Shredded Wheat."

Craig Bielik - "I read in the paper that we are expecting an infestation of Mormon crickets this year. I can't believe we've lived in this state for 150 years and we don't know how to prevent Mormon crickets. It's such a 'Duh!' Plant coffee and tobacco! They're not gonna touch it!"

Jerry Mabbott - "I'm fat, but my doctor is crazy. He wants me to get to my original weight, but that's 6 pounds, 5 ounces."

Timm Thorne - " I went on a date and the girl asked me the worst question a girl can ask a guy on a first date. She asked me what I thought my income potential will be like in 10 years. So I asked her, 'What's your fat potential in 10 years?' "

Kiley Cook - " Dating's tough in this state. Usually when I meet a girl, the first question out of her mouth is 'Did you serve an LDS mission?,' like I'm not going to be good enough. I have a comeback, though. If the girl asks 'Did you serve an LDS mission?' I say 'No. Did you take two years of home ec?' "


A young boy was walking along the road with puppies in a wagon. He was walking near by a Catholic church and people asked "What kind of puppies are you're selling?"

The boy replied: "They're Catholic puppies."

On his way he passed Mormon ward house where the Mormon bishop stood outside on the grass. Curious, the bishop asks "What kind of puppies are those?"

In reply the boy said: " They're Mormon puppies."

The bishop chuckled and the boy was on his way and met a man, who asked him: "What kind of puppies are those?"

In reply the boy said: "They're Mormon puppies."

The man said: "I'm not Mormon any more, hmm, but I like your puppies, but they're too small. Can you bring'm later, when they'll able to see and eat and I'll buy all puppies."

A few weeks later the same boy walked by the same road near the ward house once more and the bishop this time was standing with some elders. The bishop said "Watch this" and asked again "What kind of puppies are those?"

The boy this time said: "They're not Mormon puppies any more."

The bishop, shocked, said, "I thought you said they were Mormon puppies." The boy said "Yeah, but today their eyes opened!" - 11/22/2009 - by old joke


Q. What's worse than being gay and Mormon?

A. Being a Jehovah's Witness and Vampyre. - 10/05/2009 - submitted by Skunk Puppet who stole it from


What's the difference between LDS and LSD?

It takes a helluva lot longer to get over the effects of LDS. - 07/04/2009 - KIm


Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:

"Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what's your name?"

"I'm Ralph, who are you?"

"Well, Ralph, I'm Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?"

"Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?"

"Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this."

Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air.

"Wow!" says Ralph, "Do you mean I can do that?"

"Certainly", replies Jeff, "Just make a leap of faith."

Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, "Hey, Mac, come over here."

Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby,

"Say, didn't you see several workers falling from above?"

"Oh yea, it's just Superman screwing around with the Mormons again." - 07/04/2009 - Bob T


Why Is It So Hard To Solve A Homicide In Southern Utah?

ALL the DNA matches and there are NO dental records! - 07/04/2009 - BeenThereDunnThatExMo


Mormon family buys a parrot. They find out soon that all it will say is- Let's have sex, let's have sex. They think- Crap, our kids can't hear this.

They find out the bishop has a parrot and all it says is- Let's pray, let's pray.

So since last Sunday's SS lesson was on being a good example, they decide to put the 2 parrots together and the Bishop's parrot will be a good example on the perv parrot.

So they put them together and the 2 families are watching, and the one parrot says - Let's have sex, let's have sex

And the other parrot says - My prayers have been answered !!! - 07/04/2009 - by 6 iron


A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. (they were alone) On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said:

"Can you make me feel like a true woman?"

The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said:

"Now fold them". - 07/04/2009 - by 6 iron


One morning this B.Y.U. Coed calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The Coed says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The Coed's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of Postum, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." - 07/04/2009 - by 6 iron


Two missionaries are walking to their area to tract when they are caught suddenly in the middle of a shootout. They duck for cover, but one of them is hit before they can do so. When they reach safety, the missionary who is shot realizes that he is uninjured. It's because he is carrying a Book of Mormon in his pocket, which has saved his life. He pulls it out and shows it to his companion and says: "See Elder? Not even a bullet can make it through 2nd Nephi!" - 07/04/2009 - Makurosu


Two "TBM" (True Believing Mormon) YBU engineering students often walked to classes together. One day, one of them has a pretty nifty bike.

The other student says: Hey! when/where'd you get the bike? You didn't tell me you were thinking about a bike.

Well, the new biker says, "A gal riding this bike pulled over just after passing me on a lonely nite, grabs me, pulls me into the bushes, and takes of ALL HER CLOTHES. She then stands up and says, "You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!"

The other YBU engineering student says: "Good choice; her clothes wouldn't have fit you." - 07/04/2009 - by Guy Noir, Private Eye


What's the difference between LDS and LSD?

One messes with your mind and ruins your life. The other is a drug. - 07/04/2009 - Matt


Muslim Vs. Mormon Joke

Clyde: "What's the difference between a Muslim and a Mormon?"

Clem: "Well let's see. They both have a prophet, they both have a book they claim is the most correct book on earth, um I reckon I don't know."

Clyde: "Muslims like to Bomb people, Mormons like to Love Bomb people." - 01/11/2009 - It ain't punny


Taking a poke at Brigham

Little Amberleigh was not the best student in LDS Seminary. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her seminary teacher, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Amberleigh, who created the universe?"

When Amberleigh didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Amberleigh.

The seminary teacher said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the teacher asked Amberleigh, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"

But Amberleigh didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Amberleigh in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Amberleigh and the teacher once again said,"Very good," and Amberleigh fell back asleep.

The teacher then asked her a third question..."What did Wife Number 4 say to Brigham Young after she bore him her 10th child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Amberleigh jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" - 10/20/2007 - by Matt


Joseph & Brigham - Golden earring in Nauvoo Temple

Inside the Nauvoo Temple one day Brigham Young is dawning his endowment duds when he notices that Joseph Smith is wearing a golden ear ring. Brigham knows the Prophet to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

Brigham walks up to Joseph and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal Briggy, it's only an earring," Joseph replies sheepishly.

Brigham falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one Brother Joseph?"

"Ever since Ema found it up in the hayloft."

Brigham then snickers, "That damn slippery treasure causes us more problems!"

Joseph whispers back, "Yeah, next time I see Angel Moroni I'm asking him if he can take back to heaven any loose gold my lovely little ladies happen to leave around."

Brigham snickers again, "Now Emma has become your avenging angel! Hee, hee, hee."

Gordon Hinckley's voice booms in from the Pre-Existence, "For this reason I shall command that the sisters of Zion no longer will be allowed to wear earrings. This will prevent much embarrassment for the brethren. Amen."


Hinckley and the little children

Gordon B Hinckley decided to play the Jesus card for the media and have a group of small children gather at his feet for some photo ops and sound bites. The Mormon prophet found one of the youngsters making faces at others in the groups.

Deciding to use this as a golden teaching moment Hinckley smiling sweetly, said, "My dear young Heber, when I was a child I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and stay like that."

Heber looked up and replied, "Well, President Hinckley, you can't say you weren't warned." - 03/16/2007 - (As told to Sheri Dew by Boyd K Packer.)


Hinckley, Monson and Lucifer

Thomas S Monson was at Gordon B Hinckley's bedside preparing the aged Prophet for his long journey unto Kolob.

Whispering firmly, Monson suggests, "Denounce Lucifer! Let him know what you think of his evil!"

The Prophet said nothing.

Monson repeated his advice adding, "You can do this. Remember the endowment movie in the temple and how Peter denounces Lucifer? Just do the same now."

The Prophet still said nothing.

Monson asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce Lucifer and his evil?"

The Prophet said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"


Mormon Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


The Goat and the Book of Mormon

Question: What do you get when you feed a Book of Mormon to a goat?

Answer: Unbelievably boring shit.

Mormon synonym

Question: What is a synonym for "getting baptized" into the Mormon Church?

Answer: Receiving your Kolobotomy - 01/19/2007 - Blash


Why did the Mormon cross the road?
Because the cemetery was on the other side.

Why did the Mormon visit the Pope?
To collect his genealogy.

What did the Mormon say to the alien?
"Do you have your pedigree chart?"

What did the Mormon say to the genie?
"Give me another twenty generations."

Why did the Mormon go into the cave?
Because someone told him Methuselah was in there. - 08/21/2005 - by Tazzie


A deacon at a camp out from the Denver Colorado ward was tired, but he could not sleep. Brother Allen, the deacon's advisor tells Bishop Smith, "Randy wants sleep, but he can't. His body will not let him."

The bishop repied, "Tell Randy to see me in my tent."

When Bishop Smith and Randy, the deacon came out Randy was a sleep. Brother Allen asked, "What happened bishop?" "I ordained him a high priest." - 07/10/2005 by Adrian


One Sunday, Mrs. Gawd decided to visit a Mormon church. She showed up wearing fishnet stockings, platform boots, and a corset. During sacrament meeting, she kept shouting "Praise the Lawd!" and "Amen, brotha!"

While the sacrament was being passed, she pulled out a flask and took a swig. The congregation was shocked into silence, and Mrs. Gawd took little notice of them. After sacrament meeting was over, Bishop Blue went up to Mrs. Gawd and asked her to pray and ask God what kind of behavior was appropriate for his one true church.

The next Sunday, Mrs. Gawd showed up again, this time wearing a fishnet dress, revealing the black bra and thong underneath. She completely emptied her flask during the passing of the sacrament, and even lit up a cigarette while the youth speaker was talking.

After it was over, bishop blue came up to her and asked why she didn't ask God how to behave in his church. She replied, "I did ask him, but he didn't know what I was talking about. He said he'd never been here before." - 05/21/2005 by Sara


Some mormons are trekking to Utah and having a very hard time of it. An elderly man is ill and not going to make it.

The dying old man asks for one favor: he wants to kiss the Book of Mormon just once again before he dies. Unfortunately, the trekkers have had to use their BoMs as kindling and burned them all up.

But one young woman says, “I have a picture of the BoM tattooed on my ass!”

The dying man says, “Please, sister, lift your skirts so I may kiss it one last time.” The young woman hesitates but feels she must oblige the dying man and does as he requests.

The old timer says, “OK, now will you please turn around so that I may kiss Brigham Young goodbye, too?” - 05/01/2005 - Skunk Puppet


Sister Larsen had been married for eight years, had six kids and was exhausted from continual pregnancy and motherhood.. She asked her Bishop how could she avoid pregnancy without violating the Church's admonition against birth control. The Bishop, who was really a compassionate guy, noticed Sister Larsen’s drawn face, the shadows under her eyes and the screaming, unruly children, counseled her, "Each nite when you go to bed, insert both feet in a 10 gallon bucket and that should do the trick!" Sister. Larsen thanked the Bishop and said she would follow his advice.

Several months later after Sacrament Meeting, the Bishop notices that she is obviously pregnant again. "Sister Larsen!" the Bishop asks, "Didn't you follow my instructions?

"Yes, I did, Bishop," replied Sister Larsen, a bit puzzled, "Except I didn't have a 10 gallon bucket so I used two 5 gallon buckets instead!" - 05/01/2005 - Skunk Puppet


Boyd K Prozac and the Little Factory Working Over-time

04/30/2005 - by Donna

Dear Diary in my Treasures of Truth

Boyd and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Funny how there is such a fine line between being "important" and being "impotent."

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs even if the Brethren know it or not. Something must change soon.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra and a swig of consecrated olive oil, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss! This is it what it must be like in the Celestial Kingdom!

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found Patriarchal Power.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at the Burger King in the Church Office Building cafeteria, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. Boyd thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy and felt so fulfilled. Boyd has really learned how to "Lengthen his pride."

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much and to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with still more consecrated olive oil! What am I going to do? I feel annointed all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to my garments and the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete PLYG.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've just had my ears pierced, subscribed to Sunstone Magazine, stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the horn dog. He's worse than Joseph Smith after night fall in Nauvoo!

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like Gladys Knight and Sheri Dew, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him or call in the Danites for some good 'ol blood atonement. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our home teachers and visiting teachers don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The Big Boyd has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Fetch! Here he comes again!

Day 18

Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. His Specialness just sits there in front of the TV like he's watching General Conference all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to be his helpmeet and do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Ho Teaching on Second South - Salt Lake City
by Blash

Ho-Teacher: "Hi Ho, Sister Ho. Glad we caught you, since it's 11:59 p.m. on the last day of the month. This month's Hi-Ho lesson is about the Fall of Eve. The prophet has spoken, and the thinking on this subject has been done.

The Conning Tower -- (ho-teacher pointing north) see it over there? -- says that it's not necessary to strengthen your testimony by re-enacting the Fall of Eve several times a night with drive-by stalwarts named Elder John. However, the prophet reminds you that if you do insist on re-enacting the Fall of Eve, that you must donate at least ten percent of your remunerations to the Coughers of the Church - you know - those old geezers they prop up with 2x4's during General Conference so they won't fall over? Those guys. They cough a lot. Clear their throats, too. OK. This month's lesson is over. Sister Ho, would you like to offer the closing prayer?"

Sister Ho: "Dear Heavenly Pimpoheim, we ask you in the name of thy son, John . . . er . . I mean . . . Jesus . . . to help us be historically accurate every time we re-enact the Fall of thy First Daughter, you know, the First Slut, Eve. SInce there is no record in Genesis of Adam and Eve ever being married, thou canst not cast aspersions against us Ho Sisters for only doing what Eve did - for a few sheckles from Elder John.

And since our Willowy Black Ho Sister gets action from Gordon himself, particularly after Marjorie kicked the big one and nobody is keeping track of Gordon's whereabouts at night any more, we pray that thou wouldst bless our celebrations of the Fall of Eve with health in the navel and health in our loinular areas as well. We especially give thanks for Viagra, which has increased our business four fold.

In the name of Jesus and his friend, John, who was not gay like Sponge Bob and that pink Tele-Tubby. Amen.

P.S. How can cartoon characters actually be gay when they have no penises or assholes? If Sponge Bob had a penis, would it be a square one? Would he have cubes instead of balls? Please relay these questions on to Bruce R. for a response. Thank-thee. Amen again."


Sister Connie Cannon is hitch-hiking and gets picked up by a salesman. After a few miles, the man offers her a cigarette. She refuses, saying "I don't smoke; I'm a Mormon Relief Society President." A few miles further he reaches in the glove compartment, removes a flask, and offers her an alcoholic drink. She refuses, saying "I don't drink; I'm a Mormon Relief Society President."

Toward the end of the day, the salesman remarks that it's time to stop for the day, and asks if she would spend the night with him at a motel. She answers "yes" and he is surprised. He says, "You refused my offer of a cigarette and my offer of a drink because you are a Mormon Relief Society President, but you would spend the night with me; Why?"

Sister Connie Cannon answers, "Well, that's what I always tell my Relief Society sisters: You don't have to smoke or drink to have fun." - 02/12/2005 - from Rick Johnson


Q: Do you know why gulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived on the bay they'd be baygulls. - 02/11/2005 - by Jude


Elder Boyd Packer had just finished reading his book "Man of the House" while making his commute home from the Church Office Building.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife Donna, pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is God's law!

You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and whin I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Donna blurted out, "I guess the Funeral Director!" - adapted from Jerry the Aspoustate - 01/30/2005


Q. What do you call kids who where born in The Beehive House?

A. Brigham's Brothel Sprouts. - 01/28/2005 - Mad Jesuit and cricket

Q. Why did God struggle with the decision to allow True Believing Mormon women to have orgasms?

A. He was not sure He wanted to give them anything else to moan about. - 10/02/2004 - TheMadRev


Young Molly was not the best student in early morning Seminary. Usually she slept through the class. One morning her teacher, Sister Pack, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Molly, who created the universe?" When Molly didn't stir, young Heber who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Molly. Sister Pack said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later Sister Pack asked Molly, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, young Heber came to her rescue and stuck Molly in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Molly and Sister Pack once again said, "Very good," and Molly fell back asleep.

Sister Packer asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, young Heber came to the rescue. This time Molly jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Sister Packer fainted. - 09/23/2004 - Boyd


Sister Sheri Dew past General Relief Society second counselor and president of Deseret Book had been a sweet spirit all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates of the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, Peter and Joseph Smith said, "Hold on, Sister Dew ... not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and have dedicated and consecrated all that I am and have to the work of the Lord. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Dew exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied Peter and Joseph, "You never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong."

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into the Celestial Kingdon!" Sister Dew pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call us when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," commanded Peter.

Sister Dew returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called Peter, coughing and hacking. "Elder Peter," she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."

"Good!" replied Joseph, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call us when you are ready."

Sister Dew phoned Joseph immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Brother Joseph... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said Joseph and Peter with delight. "Tomorrow we want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call us."

A week passed before Sister Dew called Peter and Joseph and left a message: "Yo, Pete and Joe, it's Sheri ... It's gonna be a while."

Joseph winked at Peter, "Sister Dew won't be calling us for years. She's got a lot of time to make up for." - 09/22/2004 - adapted by cricket from an old Catholic joke submitted by Ken


On the first day of school in SLC this really TBM (true believing Mormon) teacher is talking to her class about which church their family goes to. Suzy puts up her hand and says that she goes to the Baptist church. Being pig-headed, as all Mormons are the teacher refuses to accept this and asks Suzy why she goes there, and she replies that it's because that's where her parents go.

The teacher is building up a bit of steam now and after a few sharp comments about little Suzy's parents says "So if your parents were idiots, would you be an idiot too?" Suzy looks at her calmly and replies "No, that would make me a Mormon ma'am." - 09/19/2004 - sane_and_smiling


David was in his freshman sociology class at the University of Utah when the teacher asked the students what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, air traffic controller.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other students to work on some exercises and took David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for BYU, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other students!" - 09/18/2004 - by Utah Man


The bishop stood up one Sunday, furious and announced to the congregation, "Someone in this ward has been spreading rumors that I am a member of the KKK! I demand that whoever has been saying this stand up right now and confess. Confess or face the eternal consequences!"

After a long and awkward silence one of the single young women stood up and said, "Bishop, I never said you belonged to the KKK. I just told some of my friends that you're a wizard between the sheets!" - 07/11/2004 - sane_and_smiling


Helen Mar Kimball's sweet revenge upon Joseph

Helen Mar Kimball marries a farmer in Nauvoo. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Prophet is coming to breed one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the Prophet Joseph Smith arrives. Helen takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells Joseph, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the Prophet asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over it's stall," Helen explains.

Then the Prophet asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away. - 06/11/2004 - cricket


Three exmos are all in hell together. They finally understand that they had fought against the kingdom of God on earth for the length of their mortal probation. Although they regret their lives, understanding that they sought to do evil, and lead the children of God astray, it is everlastingly too late for them, and now it is time to pay the price. They finally understand that it wasn't all a big was deadly serious. God bless the exmos to come to repentance.

Not! Elohim created Mormonism as a practical joke on His more self-righteous and ego-centric offspring. Elohim loves exmos! - 06/06/2004 - anon


President Ronald Reagan in the Spirit World

06/06/2004 submitted by Ronald Reagan

This just in. I've been gone just a few hours and already, here in the spirit world, Mormon missionaries want me to commit to a baptism-for-the-dead date.

I understand, however, that they plan on baptizing me, whether I want to be or not. When I was on Earth, I was really big on freedom. What is it with Mormons?

This isn't freedom. This is crazy.

"Mr. Hinckley, tear down this font!"

Converting a Bear

04/21/2004 submitted by Gerald Grimmett

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that difficult. A real challenge would be to convert a bear in the woods. We all know what they do.

They decided on a test before their next weekly meeting. They would each go out into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Seven days later they convened in a Hospital in Salt Lake City.

Father O'Brien, who had his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. Next week he will be receiving first communion and confirmation."

Hell-fire and brimstone Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't just sprinkle . . . WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill and UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. When I get out of my casts I'm going back to feast on God's Holy Word and praise Jesus with him.

They both looked down at the Mormon Bishop, who was lying trussed up in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and in traction with IVs and monitors and drains running in and out of him.

The Mormon looks up and says, "Getting my grizzly baptized in the Temple was bad enough. But you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to get garments on one of those hairy buggers and keep him from eating on Fast Sunday."

Provide a punchline to this joke: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one priesthood holder, he just stands there and believes that the world revolves around him! - 08/01/2004 - from sane_and_smiling

By Helamonster and others of Recovery from Mormonism - 03/27/2003

Five - One to screw in the light bulb and four to serve refreshments. - joe

If there's any screwin' being done, it better be two: one male, one female, and married to each other! And, while screwing in a lightbulb is probably cramped, it's still gotta be more exciting than screwing in garments! - Nick

If there had been lightbulb in MY time, I would have done ALL the screwing! Hell, I did anyway. - Joseph Smith

Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to hold the priesthood. - Brian B

Zero. The lightbulb is not mentioned in the Standard Works so the lightbulb does not exist....yet. - jlorz

Three. Two to do the screwing, and one to make them feel guilty for it. - Mojo Jojo

Two, but I don't know how they got in there. - Moablo

Just one. But it takes a whole surgical team to extract the durn thing! - Former ER Dr

None. Mormons don't screw. - anon

None. Morons prefer being in the dark! - barbecue-bill

The whole ward, so every one get busy. - Mercy

Two, One to do the screwing and the other one to go down and report. - cj

If I catch you screwin' anything I'll have the Danites blood atone your ass! - King Brigham Young

I don't know about Light Bulbs, But it takes one Prophet, two Counselors, twelve Apostles, And several sets of Seventies to Really Screw with all the members of the LDS church. - Puli

"It doesn't matter...they won't see the light anyway!" - Jonny the Smoke

Eleven. Ten people at 10% tithe makes one person and the 11th is to collect the tithing and snitch on the other ten. - No-More-Meetings

Six. One husband to change the bulb and five wives to ooh and ahh over his righteous stewardship. - nocheerleader

Six. One Melchizedek Priesthood holder to change the bulb, and five wives to tell him how to do it. - Svenska.Lutfisk

Five, the way I heard it. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and two to prepare and serve refreshments. - SheWhoHasNoName

Don't ask me, I'm just the Assistant Ward Surge Protector Specialist! The appropriate person to ask would be the Ward Light Bulb Maintenance Committee Chairperson. If she doesn't know, you might ask the Stake Illumination Representative. - HT

Zero. It's not the bulb. With ten kids, they couldn't afford the electric bill. - zman44

Two. A senior companion to screw it in, and one junior companion to occasionally add something. - Sara

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to claim that there haven't been any changes. - Baura

Sixteen. One dumbass member to do the work and the First Presidency and 12 apostles standing around watching, not lifting a finger to help him , but pointig out to him he is not working hard enough. And then they'll deduct 10% from his wages for his own good. - Claire

One, but the church almanac will claim that nine people were there. - anon

Just One, But searching through a two year supply to find the right wattage can take quite awhile. - SL Cabbie

Who needs lightbulbs when God can just touch rocks and make them glow? - Bort

Only one - but you need the right tools - a hammer - a saw -a screwdriver - and plenty of screws. Oh, and make sure the power is on before you start - so you don't have to climb back down the ladder and turn it on - to see if the bulb works. - wisedup


St. Peter was giving a tour of heaven to the newly arrived. He walked them past one room and there was much hootin' and hollerin' and loud music going on. He stated to the group, "Here's the Baptists' area." They walked passed another room and it had an even crazier party going on. "These are the Catholics." They all walked a little further and he told the group, "Now everyone be very quiet and walk lightly passed this door." The group was kind of curious as to why they had to do this and one of them whispered, "Why are we tip-toeing?" "Oh.." answered St. Peter, "That's the Mormons' room, they think that they are the only ones here." - 11/09/2003 - jennagrant

Late one evening in the upper room of the Nauvoo House after receiving a exceptionally long revelation the Quorum of the Twelve were relaxing by tossing back a few ales and beers.

Feeling the good humor Heber C. Kimball challenged his brethren to a poetry contest. "Brethren, who can come up with the best poem that contains the word "Timbuktu?"

Brigham Young was first to recite his poem.

"Slowly across the promised land
Trekked a Nephite caravan.
Men on Curlemons, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."

The brethren went crazy slapping ol' Briggy on the back. "No way could anyone top that!"

The group fell silent when Joseph Smith arose, buried his face in his hat and revealed his poem.

"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met Fanny, Eliza and Helen in a canvas tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu". - 10/19/2003 - by Tom Green

This Mormon woman with 12 kids is depressed and wants to commit suicide,so she asks her doctor exactly where her heart is. " Just a little below your nippples", he tells her. Whereupon she went home and stabbed herself in the knees . - 09/21/2003 - Seen

An annoyingly self-righteous Mormon woman went to the doctor for a check-up. She said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the woman. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop, it's against my religion."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the woman. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it, and it's against the Word of Wisdom."

"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the woman. "I've covenanted not to have Sex except with one that I am legally married. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, alone ... and always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the woman hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the woman. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight." - 09/22/2003 - Mac

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mormon with a Mexican?

A: Two years worth of pinto beans and tequila in the basement. - 09/06/2003 - former RC, former LDS

Q: What's the difference between being a Catholic woman and a Mormon woman?
A: If you're Catholic you can smoke while you're pregnant.

How can you tell if you're Mormon?
If you've ever had a family reunion and doubled the population of your town.

Welcome to Utah. If you think our liquor laws are funny, wait till you see our underwear. - 08/10/2003 - from LaBoyd Budge Bigler

Helen: "Joe, I've decided I'm leaving you"

Joe: "But why honey?"

Helen: "Somebody told me you're a pedophile."

Joe: "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 14 year old!"

(canned laughter)- 06/20/2003 - cattle mutilator

Two sister missionaries were pedaling their bicycles on the backstreets of a little town in Germany. One shouted to the other one, "I never came this way before!!"

The other one replied, "It's the cobblestones!!" - 06/12/2003 - Lance Armstrong

Yuck! Yuck! Milton Berle on the Mormons

06/11/2003 from Steve Benson

These are the jokes, folks!

--One Mormon threw out his mothers-in-law and emptied the city!

(Oh, my heck, too funny!)

--A cloud as dark as night, hundreds of milions of crickets chewed every living green thing in a feeding frenzy. A man watching them turned, walked over to Brigham Young's house, and said, "I'm the gardner. I quit!"

(Stop, yer killin' me!)

--Mormon marriage is fun, but think of all those stockings drying in the bathroom at the same time!

(Golly gosh, my sides hurt!)

--The Mormons were coming west. An advance scout rode back and reported, "There's a wonderful land ahead. It has a giant lake. That is where we sould stop our wanderings. In this Promised Land we will spend our time fishing and making love." Sticking his head out of his tent, Brigham Young said, "Salt the lake!"

(Loud laughter, light-mindedness, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed)

--Mormons are so moral, one house of ill repute had to take out a second mortgage.

(I can't take much more of this!)

--There's recent proof that Brigham Young wasn't a polygamist. He had only one wife, but she had 47 wigs.

(In the name of Jesus Christ, again!)

Yessir, I just flew in from Kolob and, boy, are my arms tired!


Source: Milton Berle's Private Joke File, by Milton Berle, Milt Rosen, ed. (New York: Crown Publishers, Inc., 1989); and More of the Best of Milton Berle's Private Joke File, by Milton Berle, Milt Rosen, ed. (New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1993)

Joseph Smith's Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

One day in the hallway of his Lion House, Brigham Young runs into Eliza, one of his many wives with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.

"You know Eliza, I was with Flora Bell last night, but I was still thinking of you."

"Why," Eliza asks, "because you miss me?"

"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast." - 05/18/2003 - Jay G. Kimball

I) Now that Kabul and Bagdad have fallen, could Colorado City be next?

II) In baseball news, Montreal has established a farm-club in Utah. It shall be known as the "Park City ExMos" - 05/03/2003 - from BrighamSmith

The Bishop and the Puppies

04/12/2003 from Bring'em Young

A young boy was walking along the road with puppies in a wagon. He was walking by a Mormon ward house where the Mormon bishop stood outside on the grass. Curious, the bishop asks "What kind of puppies are those?" In reply the boy said: " They're Mormon puppies". The bishop chuckled and the boy was on his way. The same boy walked by the ward house once more and the bishop this time was standing with some elders. The bishop said "Watch this" and asked again "What kind of puppies are those?" The boy this time said: "They're apostate puppies." The bishop, shocked, said, "I thought you said they were Mormon puppies." The boy said "Yeah, but today their eyes opened!"

Ol' Farmer Calls Joseph's Bluff

11/28/2002 - from Heber C Kimball

A non-Mormon farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm just outside of Nauvoo, Illinois from the Prophet Joseph Smith. The farmer has big plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the Prophet stops by to bless the potential convert's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the Prophet stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is totally rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are white and ready to harvest, filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the Prophet says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Joseph," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Survivor Utah Style - Due to the popularity of the Survivor TV shows, Utah is planning to do its own version, entitled "Survivor, Utah Style."

The contestants will start our from Temple Square in Salt Lake City, travel to Virgin, LaVerkin, Nephi, Manti, Marion, Hunstville, Provo, Orem, then to Centerville, Bountiful, at that point they will turn east to Morgan, Coalville, a back south through Holladay and Sugarhouse and finally back to Temple Square.

Each will be driving a pink Lexus with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I hate kids, logging, ranching, ORV's (off road vehicles) and mining, I voted for Al Gore and read Playgirl Magazine and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Temple Square alive wins.

Why did the Mormon cross the road?
To get to the other temple.
To get to the other bride. - 12/30/2002 - anon

Dallin Oaks and Neal Maxwell were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at their places, Neal made a point of reaching into his coat pocket pulling out his own pair. "As the environmentalist apostle," he declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected his chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory." - 12/20/2002 - Sister Ella Phant

What do Mormonism and premature ejaculation have in common?

They both give you milk before meat. - 11/30/2002 - by Dr. Shades

The difference between religions

11/24/2002 - from Nephihaha

Since Buddhism's getting talked about, consider this wise fable... a Buddhist and a Mormon go up to a New York hot dog stand at the same time...

The Buddhist says "Make me one with everything."

The Mormon says "Make me one with nothing at all."

Joseph, Four Sisters and Olive Oil

11/24/2002 - Texxas Exxed

This joke was overheard in the restroom in between sessions at the annual Church Education System conference at BYU this August.

An LDS Seminary Church History tour bus heading towards the Sacred Grove crashes head-on with a Mack truck. Four young seminary sister students are killed and ascend to meet their Creator.

Joseph Smith has taken over St. Peter’s job as the Pearly Gates officiator.

Joseph asks the first sister: “Have you ever seen a penis?” She blushes and says softly: "Yes, Brother Joseph, I'm ashamed to say that I have... but only once." Joseph brings out his vile of consecrated olive oil, and anoints her eyes and then passes her through the veil into the Celestial Kingdom.

Joseph asks the second sister: "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" She blushes even more than the first, bows her head and says softly: "Yes, Brother Joseph, I'm ashamed to say that I have... but only once." Joseph again brings out the consecrated olive oil, anoints her hands and then passes her through the veil into the Celestial Kingdom.

Joseph asks the third sister: "Sister, have you ever... suddenly the fourth sister speaks up and says... "Excuse me Brother Joseph for cutting in line, but would it be OK if I gargle with the consecrated olive oil before you make Sister McConkie douche with it?"

Joseph Smith & The Holy Itching Powder

11/20/2002 - anon

Joseph Smith was a prophet wannabe in Nauvoo, Illinois. He had a long standing obession to nuzzle the beautiful Fanny Alger’s voluptuous young breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be martyrdom.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his confidante, John C. Bennett, who was Nauvoo’s leading physician. Dr. Bennett exclaimed that he could arrange for Joseph to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him $500 in Kirtland Bank notes to arrange it. Without pause, Joseph readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Dr. Bennett made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into Fanny Alger’s brassiere while she performed baptisms for the dead in the Navuoo Temple. After she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned by Fanny’s parents to address this incident, Dr. Bennett informed Mr. Alger that only a sacred and special saliva , if applied for two hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Joseph Smith, the prophet would work as the antidote to cure the itch. Mr. Alger quickly summoned Joseph.

Dr. Bennett then slipped Joseph the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next two hours, Joseph worked passionately on the lovely miss Alger’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. Fanny’s itching was eventually relieved and Joseph left satisfied and touted as a savior on Mount Zion.

Upon returning to his Nauvoo Mansion, Joseph found Dr. Bennett demanding payment of his Kirtland Bank notes. With his obsession now satisfied, Joseph couldn’t have cared less, and knowing that Dr. Bennett could never report this matter to the High Council, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day inside the Nauvoo Temple, Dr. Bennett slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the crotch of Mr. Alger’s temple garments during his washing and annointing. Moral of the Story?

It's better to be licked than to be dicked.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Don't dick around with the prophet for profit.

Slick dick licks chick?

Milk before the meat.

Two in the hand is better than one in the bush.

Practice what thou teacheth.

What goes up must come down.

One good trick deserves another.

Let not thy right hand know what thy left hand is doing.

Powder in the Priesthood be upon me and my posterior.

Where was Oliver Powdery when I needed him the most?

Lickity spit, Joseph tripped over his candlestick.

Three guys make it to the Pearly Gates...

11/18/2002 - by Neophi

Three guys make it to the Pearly Gates and request to be admitted. Peter takes each one aside for a quick worthiness interview. He asks each if they were religious.

The first guy tells him he's a Catholic. "Have you ever used contraceptives contrary to the Pope's decree?" Peter asks him. The guy nods ashamedly and Peter sends him off to Hell.

The second guy is a Jew. "Have you ever eaten pork?" Peter wants to know. A nod, and Hell claims its second victim of the day.

Then Peter turns to the third guy. "And what's your religion?" "I'm an ex-Mormon!"

"Oh, then you've already been through Hell. Come on in!"

45 Mormon Jokes in Alphabetical Order

11/07/2002 - by Jerry the Aspousestate

Adam morphing into God, aprons with green fig leaves, Book of Abraham, caffeine aversion, callings, Cumorrah, cumoms, curloms, dead baptisms, DNA denial, FARMS, fast offerings, fear of facial hair, fonts on gold oxbutts, gush my guts, horn-tootin' Moroni, Hosannah Shout hanky-panky, Kinderhook, kingdoms with residents missing their genitalia, Kolob, Lamanites, lying for the Lard, Moon Quakers, masturbaphobia, Native Americans being Israelis, Pay Lay Ale, P-Day, points of contact jumping through sheets, Reformed Egyptians, salamanders, seer stones, secret handshakes, names and underwear with stonemason tools stitched on each breast, Half-Fast (they don't fast all day) Sundays, stovepipe hats full of gold plates, Three Musketeer Nephites wandering around like Johhny Appleseeds, thummims, tithing, urims, white slippers and baker's hats, whitesome and delightsome, Zelf and ziff.

10/22/2002 - Brandon

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Mormon bishop?
A. Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's at least 13.

04/14/2002 - Gadiantumr

Where do blackbirds come from?
They're former seagulls who refused to eat the crickets.

10/26/2001 - anon

A 98 year old man and his 96 year old wife went to their Bishop to get a temple divorce. Why, the Bishop inquired, are you splitting up after 75 years of marriage and enduring nearly to the end? The old man responded, "We had to wait for all of our damnned kids to die."

08/11/2001 - Jay Leno

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Mormons do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

08/11/2001 - Elaine "Loose" Cannon

A Primary teacher was playing a gospel game with her CTR class. "Now children," she started, "I am going to hide something behind my back and I will give you clues. I want you to guess what I am hiding."

She takes the first object and hides it behind here back, "Now what I have is red, but not too red, and it's round, but not too round. Can anybody tell me what is is?"

Little Eliza raises here hand and asks, "Is it a tomato?"

"No," says the teacher, "it's an apple, just like the one Adam took a bite out of, but you're thinking and I like that."

She takes the second object, "Now what I have is silver but not too silver and round by not too round, thin but not too thin. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

Little Emma raises her hand and asks, "Is it a quarter?"

"No says the teacher, "It's a CTR ring, but you're thinking and I like that."

She then hides another object but little Heber can't resist and raises his hand, "Can I play? Please let me hide something, PLEASE."

The teacher says that he can so he takes his hand and reaches way down deep in his pocket. "Now what I have is long but not too long and it's got a pink tip but not too pink," grins Heber broadly.

The teachers face turns three shades of red and she screams, "Johnny sit down this instant. I am going to call your mother and the Bishop."

Heber just smiles and pulls his hand out of his pocket. "It's a pencil, but you're thinking and I like that."

08/02/2001 - D.H. Oaks

Boyd K Packer's son had just turned 15 when the wise apostle finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, Packer took him on a ski trip and began the father son talk on the chair lift so his son couldn't escape.

"Do you know about "the little factory", girls and babies?" Packer asked.I

He nodded but cut his dad off.

The next ride up the ski lift, Packer brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third trip, already knowing he had waited too long, Packer bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about the "little factory?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

07/19/2001 - Psycho TBM

Q: What is the Mormon God's favorite thing to barbecue?
A: Shiskolobs!

12/27/2000 - Elder Bob Dole
Japanese Mormons announced today that they will be sending 9 tons of Viagra and humanitarian relief to Utah. They heard that the General Authorities were having trouble with their "calling and erections made sure".

12/25/2000 - Sister Sheri L. Dew - 2nd Counselor in Relief Society, single and once engaged to Dallin H Oaks

Those blue-haired old General Authority wives used to come up to me at temple weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at all the funerals.

12/25/2000 - Elder Kam A. Kazi
As a newly called General Authority, Boyd K Paquer found himself on his first assignment to the Orient sitting in the plane next to an Asian. Plaquer turned to the Asian who happened to be Japanese and asked, "What kind of 'ese' are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean."

Plaquer repeated,"What kind of 'ese' are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. Paquer, now irritated, loudly repeated, "Flip, how tough is this -- what kind of 'ESE' are you? Are you ChinESE or JapanESE or VietnamESE . . . ?

The Japanese gentleman replied, "Oh, I see. I'm Japanese."

"Well, ok, now we're getting somewhere," the General Authority said as he proceeded to ask the "Golden Questions."

A little while later, the Japanese man interrupted, "Excuse me, but what kind of 'key' are you?"

"What? What the heck do you mean?" the irritated American apostle answered.

"You know, a monKEY or a donKEY or just a typical YanKEE?"

12/22/2000 - Sonia Johnson

The General Relief Society President Eliza Pratt Richards, Boyd Ayatollah Packer, Dallin "Do No Wrong" Oaks and Gourdhead Hinckley had a theological argument, with the three General Authorities siding against Sister President Richards.

Sister Richards prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."

A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the Sister. "It's a sign from above."

The three apostles disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the Sister prayed more fervently, "I need a bigger sign." This time a bolt of lightning slammed into the Church Office Building.

"See! I told you I was right," Sister Richards said.

But the brethren insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

"Help me, Lord," the Sister implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"

Sister Richards turned to the three apostles and asked, "Well?"

"So, okay," Boyd Packer said. "Now it's three against two."

12/15/2000 - Mr. Rogers

Many years ago at the Relief Society Bazaar Sister Packer, the mother of ten children had won a toy at a raffle. She called her kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" She asked. "Who never talks back to father? Who never disagrees with anything he says? Who makes him believe he is God's gift to humanity? Who does everything he says? Who loves to watch 'Father Knows Best' on TV with him every Monday night."

Ten small voices answered in unison. "You do, Mommy!"

12/13/2000 - Brigham Smith

How do you say screw you in LA? "Trust Me."

How do you say screw you in SLC? "...and I know this is true"

12/08/2000 - anon
As for your lovely state of Utah: There are many jokes going around about the yet unresolved President-elect of Nov 7, 2000. One such was that the Queen of England was going to repo America and take it back to the Mother Land again -- that is all except Utah; She doesn't like Utah. Emmmmmm, wonder why?

12/06/2000 - Little Jenny
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the shy little great grand daughter of Gordon Hinckley.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old prophet.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa Hinckley.

"How else can I catch my teeth???"

12/06/2000 - anon

BYU Chess Team

1) Gentile versions refer to him as "The King"
2) Has exchanged powers with former "queen", who is now called Relief Society President. She can be captured by any piece except a "sister pawn"

1) is now officially called "stake president", even though term "rook" can be unofficially used in deference to his business philosophy

1) Nothing changes here

1) Now called "Danite"

1) Sometimes referred to as "sister pawns"


12/06/2000 - Stephen Covey
Hyrum Smith boards an airplane in Salt Lake City for another Franklin Day Planner sales meeting and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, what's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he says, "what myths are those?" "Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential over all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", Brother Smith says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

12/13/2000 - Brigham Smith

How do you say screw you in LA? "Trust Me."

How do you say screw you in SLC? "...and I know this is true"

10/22/2000- By Chieko N.Okazaki
In her memoirs, Sister Hinckley described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign Church business trips. Along with her husband, President Gordon B. Hinckley , Sister Hinckley was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace prior to a tour of the Tokyo LDS temple.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Sister Hinckley found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.


"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Sister Hinckley.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

10/21/2000 - Karl Maeser

The BYU biology teacher, Bro. Nurdley, asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "LaDonn, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated?"

LaDonn stands up blushing furiously. "Mr. Collins, how dare you ask a question like that?" "I'm going to complain to the Standards Office, who will complain to the Master Bateman, president of BYU, who will have you fired!"

Bro. Nurdley is shocked by LaDonn's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Spencer raises his hand.

"Yes, Spencer?" says Bro. Nurdley. "The correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Spencer...Thank you." The teacher then turns to Susan and says, "LaDonn, I have three things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have an impure mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.

10/16/2000 - John C Bennett

Joseph Smith the prophet enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his faithful followers would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the prophet went to visit this friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sacrament Meeting.

In his haste to get the bottle, the prophet hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the prophet suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a faithful member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the prophet's embarrassment.

The prophet Joseph climbed up to the pulpit and said, "Before we begin our worship, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Parley , for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

10/09/2000 - Barbara Smith

A group of General Authority wives were sitting around during a session of General Conference talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of Postum" said one;

"Yes I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my Postum" replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said a third to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy", ....another went on....

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old", winced an old sister as she shook her head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.....

"Well, it's not that bad' said one woman cheerfully - "Thank God we can still drive to the temple once a week"......

10/09/2000 – Ben Franklin

On a breezy Nauvoo spring afternoon Joseph Smith is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for awhile when Emma sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

Joseph then turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her last night I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

10/05/2000 - George P Lee
Two Mormon missionaries discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The Elders soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. They also married every beaming couple that walked by.

Later, the tribal chief told the Elders the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"

10/01/2000 - anon
During Family Home Evening Little Johnny pestered and pestered his parents to take him to the San Diego Zoo. Finally his mother talked his reluctant but righteous father into taking Johnny the next Saturday in stead of his weekly High Priests Quorum trip to the temple.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

10/01/2000 - as told by Dallin H. Crokes
A Relief Society sister was asked if she wanted a Bishop's court or a High Council court to try her for apostacy from the only true and living church of Jesus Christ.

"Bishop's court," she demanded.

"Do you understand the difference?" asked the Elders.

"Sure," replied the apostate,"That's where twelve ignorant brethren decide my fate instead of just one."

10/01/2000 - as told by Porter Rockwell
Heber C. Kimball was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, Dear," he said.

"Of course, Hebie Honey," his wife said softly.

"Just as soon I die, he instructed, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

With his last gasping breath, Heber said, "I do!"

09/29/2000 - anon
Twelve new General Authorities were about to be ordained right after General Conference in the Salt Lake Lake Temple.

The final test was for them to line up, nude, in the garden room while a nude model named, Eve danced before them. Each G.A. had a small bell attached to the tip of his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity and would be cast out.

Eve danced before the first G.A. candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final G.A. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell. That's when all of the other bells rang.

09/24/2000 - Emma Hale Smith
Did you fake it this time, darling?" the aging and overweight Brigham Young man asked after making love to his wife number 23. "No, dear Brigham," she replied, "This time I was really asleep."

09/17/2000 - Elder Jay Leno
Joseph sent young Fanny Alger down to the Nauvoo Hardware and Mercantile on an errand. "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the storekeeper asked Fanny, the only girl in the busy store at the time.

Fanny pondered the question for a moment, then replied,

"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

09/17/2000 - Governor Spike Leavitt and Mittens Romney
At the height of a 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics scandal and corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked the star defense witness, Gordy Bee Hinckster. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Mr. Hinckster, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

09/17/2000 - Billy Graham
A ninety five year old LDS apostle was celebrating his 95 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes - "Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you're 95 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer and walked to church, every Sunday morning? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees," he proceeded. "How are you, knees? You know, you're 95 today. Oh the times we've had tracking and tracking on our mission! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! If you were alive today, you'd be 95 years old!!"

09/17/2000 - anon
A Mormon father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games and surfing the inter-net.

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork and scripture study, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books and reading the Bible by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

Joseph, Emma and the Cuckoo Clock

09/12/2000 - Joseph Smith

One summer night in Nauvoo, I was invited out for a night with "the brethren." I told Emma that I would be home by midnight....PROMISE!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy and then Fanny Alger showed up...

At around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk and with a big smile on my face, I headed home. Just as I got in the front door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly I realized Emma would probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution even when smashed and feeling a twinge of guilt.

Next morning, Emma asked me what time I got in and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one I thought.

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked why, she said: "Well last night, it cuckooed three times, said "oh damn," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled and finally cuckooed twice more before it farted."

08/23/2000 - anon
J. Golden was inspecting some land with Heber J. Grant and others when they came to a small stream. Grant did not want to go on fearing it was too wide. J Golden said: It's not wide. Why, I could pee that far." Offended Grant replied: "Bro Kimball, you are out of order." To which J. Golden replied: "Yes I am, President. If I wasn't, I could pee twice as far." Kentish

J. Golden Kimball had an addiction to coffee. One time he was on the road with two pious Word of Wisdom-perfect brethren, and they stopped at a restaurant for refreshment. Brother Kimball promptly ordered his usual, and one of the brethren leaned forward and whispered, "Why, Brother Kimball, I'd rather commit adultery than drink that cup of coffee." Brother Kimball replied, "Hell, who wouldn't!" Molly Mormon

08/23/2000 - anon
Last Sunday was the dreaded high council visit. After an excellent speech from a young man, the Bishop stood and asked: "Is there a high councilman in the audience who wishes to address us today?" No one responded. He continued: "Well, if any of you know your Bishop, you know I am not going to fill the time." And with that he didmissed us to an early Sunday school, proceeded of course with an extra long break for socializing in the foyer.

08/23/2000 - anon
J Golden Kimball and a new apostle, David O. McKay were sent to Cache Valley for Stake conference one cold winter day following a deep snowfall. Expecting the worst road conditions they left very early and to their delight arrived safe and in plenty of time for a hearty breakfast in one of the local diners. After seating them the young waitress asked the visiting dignitaries what they would like to eat. David O. ordered some ham and eggs. J. Golden requested the same. And some hot chocolate, David O. politely added. J Golden gulped and said he might as well have the same to drink. Then while David O. studied his notes J. Golden excused himself and slipped into the back of the kitchen. He found their waitress and quietly asked her to please slip alittle coffee in his hot chocolate to help him get jump started on these cold mornings. He returned to the table with David O. much releaved.

The waitress soon came out with their breakfast. "Which one of you gentleman ordered the coffee in his hot chocolate?" she demanded in a loud voice. David O. looked up from his notes completely surprized, then began to turn alittle red with embarrassment or perhaps it was anger at J. Golden for this public infraction of the Word of Wisdom. At that time Cache Valley was about 99% Mormon and everyone in the diner knew exactly who they were and what they were doing there.

J. Golden piped up, "Why don't you put alittle in my cup too!"

08/19/2000 - Kentish
J. Golden was inspecting some land with Heber J. Grant and others when they came to a small stream. Grant did not want to go on fearing it was too wide. J Golden said: It's not wide. Why, I could pee that far." Offended Grant replied: "Bro Kimball, you are out of order." To which J. Golden replied: "Yes I am, President. If I wasn't, I could pee twice as far."

08/19/2000 - Molly Mormon
J. Golden Kimball had an addiction to coffee. One time he was on the road with two pious Word of Wisdom-perfect brethren, and they stopped at a restaurant for refreshment. Brother Kimball promptly ordered his usual, and one of the brethren leaned forward and whispered, "Why, Brother Kimball, I'd rather commit adultery than drink that cup of coffee." Brother Kimball replied, "Hell, who wouldn't!"

08/09/2000 - Richard Lionheart

There are three truths in life:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah...
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith...
3. Two Mormons do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

08/09/2000 - Brigham Young as told to Parley P Pratt
Heber C. Kimball returned home late and found Joseph Smith, naked in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what are you doing in there, Joseph?"

"I'm riding driving a stage coach."

"That's a stupid thing to say, Brother Joseph!"

"That's a stupid thing to ask, Brother Heber!"

08/09/2000 - One of the Three Nephites

Mike and Maureen McConkie landed on Kolob after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Kolobite couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Kolob had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money,

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it here?" asked Maureen.

The male Kolobite responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night while awaiting final judgement day.

Maureen and the male Kolobite went off to a bedroom where the Kolobite stripped off his garments. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

08/03/2000 - Sister Mae West
The apostle's wife went to the church's official plastic surgeon, Dr. G Bitner Wrinkley for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob" A small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift -- forever.

Of course, the sister wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later, the woman returned to Dr. Wrinkley with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I set to ride next to my husband as Grand Marshall for the Pioneer Days Parade and I've developed two annoying problems.

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee.

08/03/2000 - Elder Jack Benny
Apostle Heber Smith and his wife Eliza are vacationing in Arizona. Heber always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the resort, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife "Notice anything different, Eliza?"

Eliza looks him over, "Nope."

Heber says excitedly "Come on Eliza, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Eliza looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Heber storms off into the bathroom, undresses, removes his garments and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Eliza looks up and says "Heber, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Heber yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Eliza? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!"

Eliza replies "Should'a bought a hat, Heber.

07/20/2000 - anon
Question 6: Utah Geography
Dinosaur National Monument is...
A) Where dinosaur bones have been found near Vernal,Utah.
B) Where the General Authorites meet in Salt Lake City

07/20/2000 - Claudia and cricket
On their way to the temple to get married, a young LDS couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into the Celestial Kingdom. While waiting, they begin to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months...and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever for time and all eternity?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a General Authority up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

07/16/2000 - Brigham Smith
Q: What Baseball Award did Paul Dunn ACTUALLY Win?
A: The "LIE Young" Award

07/16/2000 - anon
"Your Mama Dont Dance, and Your Daddy Don't Rock & Roll" is...

A) A 1973 song by Loggins & Messina; or
B) The City Motto of Orem, Utah

07/13/2000 - a flight attendant
President Hinckley was sitting next to Neal Maxwell in the Huntsman corporate jet on the way to dedicate another McTemple.

"I'll tell you," Hinckley said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease."

"Crueler than cancer?" Maxwell asked.

"You bet," Hinckley replied. "It makes every single one of my joints stiff, except the right one."

07/12/2000 - axeldc
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Mormon and this is my casserole dish."

07/08/2000 - anon
I have plenty of respect for the Lord; it's His fan club that I can't stand.

07/03/2000 - anon from Southwest Alberta Canada
The following anecdotes are little truisms that you may be able to identify with if you've moved from somewhere normal to 'mormon country', behind the zion curtain...

You know you're not from Utah if...

...the only place you've been called the stake (steak) centre serves a mean sirloin with all the beer you need to wash it down.
...the only people who care what ward you are in want to visit you in the hospital
... you think an invitation to a wedding means that you not only know who the bride and groom are but expect that they will serve you a sit down meal with beer and entertainment for the evening before you give them a gift
... you believe any church official who asks about your sex life will be arrested
... you think a husband with one wife and two children is a big family
... you think only NASA astronauts go on missions
... you believe only people who seriously want to become clergymen go to the seminary
... you think scouts hold meetings in scout halls
... you think a temple recommend is somethig you tell an East Indian guy who asks which Calgary neighbourhood he should live in
... you think 'calling reception' is something you should be concerned about when buying a cell phone
... when someone speaks of 'the church', you ask which one?
... you think a 'burning bosom' is caused by beer and nachos
... you think remembering your parents is 'geneaology'
... family home evening involves getting the kids to fetch beer for you
... you know a 'relief society' is a charitable group that installs roadside urinals
... you know Postum and Ovaltine taste like sand, and opt for coffee instead
... you've watched a basketball game, realizing how boring it is when you're sober
... your knowledge of Utah is that it is between here and Vegas
... you figure 'primary' is either red, green or blue
... you notice what the words 'mormon' and 'moroni' have in common.

07/03/2000 - Bauch(Aldb)

You Might Be a Mormon If... have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."'ve ever used the phrase "bless those who aren't here this time that they can be here next time."'ve ever used the above phrase while offering a prayer at a state prison, youth detention facility or other place of confinement. think "ignorant" means rude. think the word ignorant is pronounced "ignernt" think BYU's holiday bowl victory over SMU in 1980 is proof that the church is true. still talk about the holiday bowl victory of 1980. still consider Steve Young a Utah native even though he was born and raised in Connecticut.
...for some reason you couldn't raise your children in Utah, then Connecticut would be your second choice.'ve ever used the words: fetch, flip, scrud, or oh-my-heck. ever apologized for using such language.'ve ever used your temple recommend as a check protection card. hide your recommend in the back of your wallet when you shop on Sunday. shop on Sunday and then you post date the check.'ve ever mixed Jell-O with any kind of meat. like Jell-O mixed with any kind of meat. think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party.
...your kids think Jell-O is a major food group. have your order in for volume 25 of "The Work and The Glory." use the dust jacket from "The Work and The Glory" so you can read romance novels in public.'ve ever quoted "The Work and The Glory" in a talk or a lesson. feel that "The Work and The Glory" would be better if it took place in Connecticut and the hero's name was Steve.'re planning to read this list during Family Home Evening.
...while giving a presentation in a public place such as a board meeting, you have ever inadvertently ended with, "in the name of ..."'ve ever ended your presentation with those words deliberately.
...all your children are named after Old Testament Prophets. Even your daughter Zerubbabel. ran out of Old Testament names before you ran out of children. were shocked to find out that the 24th of July was not a national holiday. refer to the days of '47 parade royalty as "The Queen and her two counselors." least one member of your family has a pseudo-French name such as LaVell, LaDell, LaBetty, or Bidet. have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle (how about LaDurl?)
...your mother-in-law was pregnant at your wedding.'re father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
...a member of your family wrote in Lavelle Edwards for President in the last election. have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or co-workers as Brother or Sister.
...all your dishes have your name written on masking tape. least two of your salad bowls are at neighbors' houses. have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society or Homemaking. have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen. think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.'ve ever refused a coke, although it's 105 degrees outside. bring a cola home from the store in a brown paper bag. know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy. have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will nourish and strengthen our bodies." consider "dam" a swear word.
...your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out. believe you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe. think Jack Daniels is a country western singer. met your spouse at the "Y" or on your "Mission."
...your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday. negotiate prices at a garage sale.
...when you pick someone up at the airport, you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate. have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library. are embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age. keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home" banners. have more food in storage than clothes in your closet. ever made a major purchase at D.I (couches, appliances, electronics, furniture, prom dresses, etc.) shop for wedding gifts at D.I.
...your family takes Mormon Tequila to family reunions. (Ingredients of Mormon Tequila: kool-aid with a gummi worm in the bottom.) play quarters with water, and the loser is the person who has to pee first.

07/02/2000 - anon
Emma returned from her shopping quite a bit earlier than expected. She entered the master bedroom of the Nauvoo house, and found her young friend, Fanny Alger making passionate love to her husband Joseph.

The irate first lady of Mormondom stood stiffly and loudly berated her friend for her adultery. With thunder in her voice, she reminded her that she had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with daily needs, clothes and schooling, and almost anything she desired.

By this time Fanny was crying inconsolably. Her first ladyship then turned her wrath on her supposedly faithful husband: "And as for you Joseph -- you might at least stop while I'm talking !" E

06/14/2000 - anon
A little Mormon boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen" the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'

06/11/2000 - Heber C. Kimball
About ten years after marriage, the Prophet Joseph Smith stopped wearing his wedding ring. Emma asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

Joseph replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

06/11/2000 - anon
The church doctor gave the 90-year-old prophet a physical exam. A few days later he happened to notice the prophet walking down South Temple Street with his arm around a gorgeous young woman and grinning from ear to ear.

The next time he encountered the prophet, the church doctor said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc," the prophet agreed. "You said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

"I didn't say that," replied the doctor. "I said you've got a heart murmur. And be careful."

06/10/2000 - anon
Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down, and his mother was beside him.

"Say your prayers louder, darling, I can't hear you," Said Little Johnny's mother.

"But I'm not talking to you" was the instant reply.

06/08/2000 - Jessie Jackson
The month prior to President Spencer W. Kimball's 1978 revelation allowing all worthy males to hold the priesthood, on a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, the wife of the South Africa LDS Mission president had found herself sitting next to a black man.

She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. Can't you see?" she said. "You've sat me next to a kaffir and son of Cain. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do-- I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.

However, we do have one seat in first class". Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues. "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to her, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane.

06/07/2000 - anon

Out of the mouth of babes comes wisdom

Joseph Smith's young son was watching his father, the prophet, write down a revelation.
"How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.
"God tells me", replied Joseph.
"Then why do you keep crossing things out?" the youngster puzzled.

06/06/2000 - Brigham Smith
Name the Ebay category that one would most likely find for sale "garments"
A) Clothing
B) Slightly Unusual
C) Really Weird
D) Totally Bizarre

Q: Why must you padlock your valubles when going thru the Temple?
A: To keep the OTHER 90% safe

Q: Why is Polygamy illegal in every state?
A: Because men suffer enough already!

Q: What is the most requested vanity license plate in Utah?

05/15/2000 - Brigham Smith
Q: Where do unvalient aliens go when they die?
A: The Extra-Terrestial Kingdom.

Q:Who was the greatest Khan?
a) Genghis Khan
b) Kublai Khan
c) Chaka Khan
e) Joseph Smith

05/15/2000 - J Golden Kimball
A Jack Mormon suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sundays instead of going fishing.

The Bishop was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Bishop," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

05/13/2000 - Robert Hoover Kirby Oreck
Boyish K Packer, a painter and lover of birds likes spending his lunch hour sitting on a bench at Temple Square feeding the seagulls his wife's home made whole wheat bread. Little by little, pinch by pinch, he fed each seagull with joy.

He sat there without being noticed by Mormon tourists. Then suddenly a young church security officer rained on Elder Packer's parade by telling him that he shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of seagulls that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

Then Elder Packer said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!".

05/10/2000 - Elder Smith
Say, Bill," Boyd K Packer said to his pal, "how do you like your new job as a General Authority?"

"It's the worst job I ever had."

"How long have you had your calling?"

"About three months."

"Why don't you quit?"

"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home."

05/07/2000 - Jerry Falwell
Boyd KKK Packer, senior apostle and chairman of the Strengthening the Members Committee, died and was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Boyd," said St. Peter, "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. Which news do you want first?"

Elder Packer replied, "Give me the bad news."

"The bad news is that God disagrees with your racist and bigotted opinions. Heaven is completely integrated; we have Jews, Catholics, blacks, gays, lesbians, feminists, intellectuals and all different kinds of people living up here."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"The good news," St. Peter smiled, "is that you won't have to worry about that where you're going."

05/01/2000 - anon
"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the eighty-year old General Authority after the examination.

"I know it," said the Apostle. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the Apostle. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the eighty-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the Apostle, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

05/01/2000 - anon
Why did the polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride!

04/21/2000 - courtesy BT and Ladyhawke

"How High Can You Go?"

A Rabbi, a Mormon Bishop and a Catholic Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you two advance in your organizations?"

The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

The mormon Bishop says, "By your works are you known. If I read the Book of Mormon, perform well at this calling, AND consistently increase the tithes, AND increase the birth rate and add many converts, I can become a president of the entire stake."

"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Arch Bishop," said the Catholic Priest a bit cautiously.

The mormon says, "There are many good men at the President level, but if my brethren are happy with my efforts, I could advance to the Quorums of The 70's."

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal," said the priest.

"And if my General Authority brethren accept me and value my contributions highly, I could be elected to the Quorum of The 12." the mormon said.

"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal, or The 12?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..."

"And if a bunch of old geezers die, I could be elected to the Presidency, and then as Prophet, Seer and Revelator." adds the mormon.

Then the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope or the Prophet?"

"What!?! Do you want us to become the Messiah Himself!?!"

The Rabbi leaned back, smiled and said, "One of our boys made it."

04/19/2000 - anon
A newly called Apostle and his wife were having their medical exams by the church physician. After the examination, the doctor then said to the Apostle: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the Apostle's wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

04/05/2000 - BT courtesy of LadyHawke

Lord of the Flies
An old mormon farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by President Boyd KKK Packer. "You're not reading your Book of Mormon," the Elder said. "I'm going to have to report you to the Strengthening Membership Committee. A visit from the Danites will help you see the light."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched President Packer shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," President Packer complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" President Packer angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

03/23/2000 - anon
Q: Who goes door to door offering folks pancakes and syrup?
A: Jemima's Witnesses

03/22/2000 - anon
Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were trying to get in a quick eighteen holes at the Nauvoo Municipal Golf Course, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. Brigham says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" Joseph gets about halfway there and comes back. Brigham says, "What's wrong?" Joseph says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." Brigham says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back. Joseph says, "What's wrong?" Brigham says, "Small world."

03/21/2000 - anon
Q:Why do Mormon women stop having children at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too damn many!

Q: How many Relief Society Presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE, because they prefer to be in the frick'n dark!!

Q: The Fundamentalist Mormon teenager was so dumb... How Dumb WAS he?
A: He wanted to go to "CAL-POLY"

03/20/2000 - anon
Q: Why does the Atlanta Temple have no visitor's center?
A: Because there ARE no visitors!

03/15/2000 - anon
Orrin Hatch grew weary of being a senator. He felt he was finally old enough to fulfill his life's dream of becoming a General Authority so he hurried right down to the Church Office Building and applied to be a G.A.

After filling out all of the applications, he waited anxiously outside of Boyd K. Packer's office for the outcome. Boyd read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for a person like you."

"Oh, great," Orrin exclaimed, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!" Boyd scowled back.

03/15/2000 - anon
A Jew and a Mormon were arguing about the ways of their religion. The Jewish man said, "You people have been stealing things from us for amost two hundred years now. The Ten Commandments, for instance."

The Mormon replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"

03/12/2000 - anon
Q: Why isnt the LDS church headqurtered in Chicago?
A: Because its leadership doesn't want to compete against Bozo and Ronald McDonald.

03/05/2000 - courtesy Robert J. Elkins @, submitted by BT

Three Mormon RS ladies and an Ex-Mo were having jello. The first Mormon woman tells her friends "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Bishop'."

The second Mormon woman chirps, "My son is a Stake President. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."

This third Mormon crone says, "My son is an Apostle, on the Quorum of 12. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Since the EX-Mormon woman just sips her *coffee* in silence, the first three Mormon RS women give her this subtle "Well...?"

And after a long pause, she says "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, all the women say, "Oh, my God...."

03/03/2000 - anon
Q: How did Elder Pinocchio find out he was made out of wood?
A: His hand caught on fire.

03/02/2000 - anon
Two little Nauvoo Mormon boys are arguing.

"My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

03/01/2000 - anon
Little Johnny was attending his first Mormon wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," Johnny said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' "

02/28/2000 - undercover-anti

A Rabbi, a Catholic, and a Mormon are boasting about their virility.

The Rabbi boasts, "I've got four sons. One more and I'll have enough for a basketball team."

The Catholic says, "I have ten strong sons. One more and I'll have enough for a football squad."

The Mormon rolls his eyes and laughs. "I've got seventeen wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course!"

02/28/2000 - anon
Q: Do you know the difference between a Mormon and God?
A: God does not think He is a Mormon.

02/27/2000 - Brigham Smith
Q: What is the difference between a fairy tale and the Book of Mormon?
A: The fairy tale begins with "once upon a time..."

Q: Why did Orrin Hatch drop out of the Presidential Race?
A: Because he couldnt get a "Plurality" in it, either.

02/22/2000 - Doctor J
Why did the Mormon cross the road?

To give a testimony that their side of the road is the one and only true side on the face of the earth.

02/20/2000 - Blash
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormom were all informed that a magic mirror in the next room would grant their wish if they told the truth to the mirror, but something awful would happen if they told a lie. The Jew went in first and announced to the mirror, "I think I am the smartest person in the house." The mirror granted his wish of a library card and unlimited access to the local library. The Catholic went in next and said to the mirror, "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the house." The mirror granted her wish of a year supply of cosmetics from Walmart. Then, finally, the Mormon went in and announced to the mirror, "I think......." Without delay the Mormon was sucked into a black, swirling vortex and never heard from again.

"Hey, can you cross your feet, buddy? --I've only got three nails left." - 02/19/2000 - anon

02/17/2000 - Jan G
Two Mormon sister missionaries were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The sisters were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a Baptist minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"

02/16/2000 - Riley J
What is the difference between a McDonald's and a McTemple?
A McDonald's takes your order for money, and a McTemple gives you orders for your money.

02/16/2000 - Brigham Smith
What OTHER party dominates Utah Polictics?
The THEO-crats.

02/12/2000 - anon
A man walked into the ladies department of the ZCMI Department store in Salt Lake City and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

"The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. And the Mormon type keeps them staunch and upright."

02/09/2000 - anon
The Stake Pres. had four wild boys. One night he took them all out behind the barn to be whipped. To the first he said, "Dave, this is for drunkness and fornication." And he beat the hell out of Dave. To the second he said, "Steve, this is for stealing cars, egging the neighbors house, and swearing at your mother." And he beat the hell out of Steve. To the third he said, "Greg, this is for taking a shit in the church foyer and for cornholing a stray dog." And he beat the hell out of Greg. To the fourth he said, "Carl, I don't know what this is for but you do." And he beat the hell out of Carl.

02/03/2000 - Dr Ruth
Joseph Smith explaining Holy Wifery to Fanny Alger:
Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a priesthood holder sticks his location; in a woman's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; and when can I give you a demonstration?

02/03/2000 - Captain Kangaroo
Two youngsters were walking home from Primary, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

02/03/2000 - Roy Rogers
Joseph Smith was galloping down the road leading his Nauvoo Legion calvary. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching mobs, the prophet called out: "All you Saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"

01/29/2000 - Dr.Ruth
An LDS couple finally finish Family Home Evening get all nine of their children to bed and then fall into bed themselves. Honey, the wife whispers, "It's been a long time."

"Yes, dear, it has," the husband responds. Soon they are making love with their garments on, of course. Fifteen minutes has passed. Thirty minutes and then forty five minutes and sweat is pouring off of them, soaking garments and sheets.

"And it came to pass" that after a few more minutes the wife comments, "Can't you think of anyone either?"

01/23/2000 - anon
Two California Mormon Home Teachers were driving to their first visit and preparing to plug President Hinckley's "Vote Yes" on Proposition 22.
The first brother said to the other brother: "How do you feel about same-sex marriage?"
The second brother: "I don't like it,but I don't see what all the fuss is about."
First Brother: : "Why not?"
Second Brother: : "I've been married for 20 years and I'm still having the same sex!"

01/24/2000 - by Denise Q, submitted by BT
During a Family Home Evening a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

01/22/2000 - anon
A radical ex-mormon feminist is getting on a bus in downtown Salt Lake City when, just in front of her, a man in a dark blue pin striped suite gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another "mo mo" man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, sister, you've got to let me get up. I'm two blocks past my stop already."

01/21/2000 - anon
As a young man Joseph Smith is whittling and doesn't realize his zipper is open. He slips and nearly cuts his penis off. His penis looked up and says, "You know, we've had a lot of fist fights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife on me."

From a talking penis to a talking salamander to a talking angel to a talking peep this is how Mormonism got started!

01/10/2000 - Brigham Smith
Q) What political party dominates Utah?
A) The Eternal Progressives

Q) What is the most important question in Mormonism?
A) Is that on the gross or the net.

Q) Why was the BYU ladies lime-jello wrestling team disqualified from a recent match?
A) Illegal use of raisins!

Illuminati: What are the branches of the Masonic Lodge?
Initiate: Traditional, York Rite, Scottish Rite, ,,,,and... oh yeah, UTAH RITE!

Q) Heard about Gladys Knight's new CD?
A) It's called "Midnight Train to Utah"

Q) What did the Pips say when they found out Gladys Knight had joined the LDS Church?
A) "Uh-Uh, NO! Uh-Uh" (The chorus to "Midnight Train to Georgia")

Q) Did you hear that Jerry Garcia was vicariously made a member of the LDS Church?
A) It's TRUE! Now he's the lead singer of the "The Grateful BAPTIZED Dead"

Q) In what language do the LDS leaders speak?
A) Cultic
B) Deseret
C) Reformed Egyptian
D) "Church-Speak"
E) All of the above

Stock Tip: Do not invest any money in the "Deseret Spittoon Company"

In other business news, it was reported that Prophets were up at Deseret Industries.

Q) How do you know that the surreptitious copy of the "second-sealing" temple ceremony is the genuine article?
A) Simple! The real thing is marked "TOP-SACRED"

Heres a T-shirt youll never see on the BYU Campus:
"Coed-Naked Javelin-Toss"

12/02/1999 - anon

The most senior of the Twelve Apostles lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, girded up his loins, lengthened his stride and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in the Celestial Kingdom: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

11/22/1999 - anon

How do you get rid of the Mormon missionaries?
A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Book of Mormon scattered around

A brother comes in for tithing settlement and the Bishop asks him, "Brother Smtih, how come you paid no tithing this year?
Brother Smith replies, "I'm as broke as the Ten Commandments."

11/09/1999 - Jan G

President Gordon B. Wrinkley has remained alone late into the evening in his office praying fervently to the Lord regarding the gay and lesbian issues. President Wrinkley has high hopes of changing the Lord's mind just as past President, Dispenser Rubberglue Kumball changed the Lord's mind about black folks. The Lord finally grows tired of President Wrinkley's persistance and grants the revelation to welcome same gender attraction folks into the fold in full "fellaship" and "femmeship".

President Wrinkley carefully writes down the revelation "by his own hand" on the last remaining page of holy papyrus left by Joseph Smith. His secretary has long since departed for home so he rushes out of his office attempting to locate a copier. He wants to place the original in the First Presidency's Vault and give a copy to Edelman Public Relations World Wide for clearance prior to press release tomorrow.

A newly hired custodian is working late at the Church Office Building when she sees President Wrinkley standing by the "classified document shredder" in the hallway between the First Presidency's Vault and The Church History Archives with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" Wrinkley asks impatiently. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir President," says the star struck young custodian, who turns on the machine, takes the paper gently from Wrinkley, and feeds it in.


"Now," says President Wrinkley, "I just need one copy....."

11/08/1999 - Punkpal 12 @ courtesy Bit Twiddler

A doctor, Gordon B. Hinckley, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

Gordon B. Hinckley then said, "I'm the Prophet, Seer, Revelator and President of the One True Church in the world, I see all and know all for over 10 million mormons, I must live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'Prophet Seer and Revelator of the One True Church in the world' just took off with my back pack."

10/18/1999 - Linda

There were three guys sitting behind three Mormons at a U of U football game. The men decided to antagonize the Mormons, to get them to move. So the first one says to the others (loud enough for them ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to New Jersey, there are only 100 Mormons living there..."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Boston, there are only 50 Mormons living there."
The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Arkansas, there are only 25 Mormons living there..."
One of the Mormons who happens to be a newly returned missionary turns around and looks all three men in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Mormons there."

10/13/1999 - anon

Why did President Gordon Hinckley speak at the funeral of "whopper telling," General Authority, Paul H. Dunn? Because they shared a foxhole together in the "war in heaven."

09/28/1999 - courtesy Rattlesnake Ministry

Joseph Smith, just taken another young wife, was with her in the honeymoon suite, so to speak , in bedroom of the bride's parent's house on their sealing night.. Lucinda Jane undressed for bed, then Joseph tossed his breeches to her and said "Here, the Lord would that thou should put these on."

Lucinda Jane said "What?" He said "Put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. (For he was a large muscular man of six feet in stature, with hazel, alert eyes, and fair hair - a wrestler of renown). "I can't wear your pants", she said.

"That's right!" said the Joseph "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in my family - here and in the next life!"

With that, she flipped him her muslin panties and said "Try these on. "He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "As the Lord God is my witness. I can't get into your muslin panties."

She said "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

A Californian, a Texan, and a Utahn, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan finished drinking his Margarita, and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Utahn drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Utah they had so many Texans and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

Jesus and Moses are playing Golf. As Jesus gets up to tee off, Moses says "You're never going to make the green with that club, Jesus. You better use a number 9." Jesus looks all ticked off, and tells Moses, "I'll play this hole any way I want. It's what ARNOLD PALMER would do!" Jesus tees off and slices right into the lake. Moses laughs as they head out to where Jesus' ball is. Moses says, "Don't worry Jesus, I'll get it for you". Moses raises his arms and parts the lake, walks out and gets the Lord his ball. "Now try to do better next time, OK Lord?"

"Shut up" says Jesus and he heads out to try again. "No Jesus, not that club", says Moses. "You're gonna slice again and land in the water." The Almighty says, "Look I'll do it this way. That's what ARNOLD PALMER would do!", and promptly lands his ball in the lake again. Moses falls to the ground in hysterics. "I told you. I told you." But the Patriarch pulls himself together, parts the lake again and gets the Son Of God his ball.

Jesus promptly pulls out the wrong club again, and gets ready to hit the ball. Moses is trying to be a good sport, and says, "Look, I know you created the Universe and everything, but you're making a big mistake. You're still using the wrong club. If it goes into the lake, I'm not getting it for you." Jesus looks at Moses and screams at him, "But it's the way ARNOLD PALMER would do it!" "Fine. Go ahead." says Moses.

"Plop" goes the ball into the lake. Moses says, "Well, I'm not going in there again. Get it yourself!" So Jesus walks over to the lake, walks across the water, reaches in and gets his own ball. Just then these two other golfers pull up, and witness the miracle of The Lord. One of the golfers runs up to Moses, and says, "Who does that guy think he is anyway, Jesus Christ?" "No." retorts Moses. "He thinks He's ARNOLD PALMER."

Jesus walks into an Inn, hands the InnKeeper 3 nails, and says "Do you think you can put me up for the night?"
Two Mormon Missionaries are walking down the street, and when they turn the corner near a Catholic Church the Priest steps out from the shadows and greets them with "Good Morning Sons Of Satan!"

Well the two missionaries are dumbfounded and don't know what to reply so they head on their way, making their daily rounds.

Well the next day the two missionaries are in the same neighborhood, and just happen to pass the same Catholic Church. Suddenly the Priest appears again, and says "Good Morning Sons Of Satan!" The missionaries stare at the Priest as he laughs and walks past them.

At the next meeting with their mission president, the missionaries tell their story to find out what they should do, and receive some helpful hints. The next day they pass the Catholic Church again, and low and behold, the Catholic Priest jumps out at them and says, "Good Morning Sons Of Satan!"

The two elders look at each other and then in unison with the sweetest smiles say "Good Morning Father!"

An escapee from the Salt Lake County Jail unknowingly broke into the house into the house of a famous Utah Senator and tied up the terrified Senator and his wife, who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the senator turned to his aging but attractive wife, bound up on the bed with her garments ripped off and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just winked and told me," he thinks "for an old fart you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!"

A ninety-year-old man dressed in a dark blue suit is sitting on a bench inside Temple Square, sobbing, when a young returned missionary tour guide walks up and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the General Authority answers, "I'm in love with a gorgeous twenty-five-year-old woman who works in the Church Office Building."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young elder.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we rip our garments off and make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young elder puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old General Authority answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Is there any truth to the rumor that America has opened up an embassy in Salt Lake City, Utah?

What nickname did Joseph Smith give Missouri? "The Show Me the Way Out State."

In Utah what is the penalty (not sign or token) for Polygamy? "Two to five wives." and the penalty for not practicing polygamy? "A wife sentence."

Why are only padlocks with keys allowed in the Temple? "Because the prophet warns against 'secret combinations'." - 09/06/1999 - Brigham Smith

Tonight on F.P.TV:

The Temple Squares: "X Takes The Square"

Your host Donny O'Smond asks nine GA's controversial questions regarding the church. After receiving the answers, contestants are given the chance to only "Agree", as, after all, THE THINKING HAS BEEN DONE! - 08/27/1999 - Brigham Smith

In order to spread his message, Ed Decker recently bought a high-wattage Mexican radio station. The call letters, you ask? XLDS - 08/27/1999 - Brigham Smith

A Salt Lake City girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The LDS pharmacist attempts to discourage the boy from pre-marital sex, but the boy is persistent so he gives up and helps the boy with condom selections and the details of safe sexual practices.

The boy selects the 10 pack, thinking he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, I am so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say the blessing on the food and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 5 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this spiritual." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

This young polygamous couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home to Bluffdale, Utah

He tells his father, the patriarch what happened. "Son, you done right," says his father. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours." - 08/24/1999 courtesy of Brian S

The Bishop's son was about five years old when one day he got home from Sunday School. When his father asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised" -- but the answer was still "yes".

Two wives of General Authorities meet in an elevator at the Church Office Building after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Boyd died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

A crazed Salt Lake City man rushes into his local LDS Social Services office wearing only his garments and claiming that angel Moroni has told him where the golden plates lay hidden. The startled receptionist ushers the man into the closest psychiatrist's office. The equally startled psychiatrist witnesses the man remove and rend his garments leaving him clad only in tight under shorts made from Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist replies, "I can clearly see your're nuts."

One Sunday morning, the bishop noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the wardhouse. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the bishop walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning bishop," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Bishop Stalwort, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00 or the Fast and Testimony?" - 08/04/1999 - BT

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one young and newlywed wanted to join a mormon temple. The bishop said, "We have special requirements for new congregants. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to purify your thoughts and qualify for a temple recommend."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The bishop went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, bishop." "Congratulations! Here's your recommend, welcome to the temple!" said the bishop.

The bishop went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, read the book of mormon constantly, and cover myself with duct tape, but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Here's your recommend, Welcome to the temple!" said the bishop.

The bishop then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No bishop, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the bishop. "Well, we made it though the first week. But then my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our temple," stated the bishop. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either." 08/20/1999 - courtesy BT

A young Mormon couple were on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to follow up on some family genealogy leads. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and garments and went at it on a tomb.

The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her. "How old are you my dear?" the doctor asked. "I am 22 replied the wife, why?"

The doctor replied, "Because on your ass it says that you were born in 1755."

Right after General Priesthood Meeting Gordon B Heenkley and Boid K Paaker were having a conversation about sex :
Gordon: Yes sir, I did it three times last night and I even kept my garments on the first two times.
Boyd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once, even with my garments off! What's your secret?
Gordon: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!
So Boyd rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Boyd: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Boyd: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

Ninety two year old Sister Croakster called her home teachers for an emergency blessing, crying, "I think my husband is having a heart attack!" When the home teachers arrived there it was too late and Brother Croakster had died.

While consoling the wife one of the home teachers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the distraught woman what symptoms her husband had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

Sister Croakster replied, "Well, we had our gaments half off and we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

The Bishop Voyer had just finished hearing Brother Hardrod's confession & was considering the man's penitence and need for a Church court. "Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin and wicked thoughts?"

"Yes Bishop, I certainly am going to try." replied the downcast brother. "I here-by resolve to double my efforts and lengthen my stride." "And you're going to attend all of your meetings regularly my fallen son ?" the Bishop went on. "Yes Bishop Voyer, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and serve in the nursery."

"And how about your debts and those you have cheated ?" inquired the Bishop. "Now just a minute Bishop." ejaculated Brother Hardrod. "Now you're talking business and not religion."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together. So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no! Everyone's fine!" He explains, "I just joined the Mormon church and I had to quit drinking."

Pastor Packard went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the church security police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should just place a call the sanitation department. The manager at the church official sanitation department said he could not pick up the mule without revelation and authorization from the mayor. And a note from the swarm of 12 ingrates. Living off the land but not being part of it.

Now the pastor Packard knew well the mayor and was not to eager to call her, as she knew of the mother in heaven docterine and the feminist roll of the church and holy ghost. The mayor although extreemly attractive had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but Pastor Packard thought he could get lucky just this one time....hummm....wiping the drewell off his chin. Pastor Packard called her anyway.

The mayor Bit Tea Corded-weenie did not disappoint him. She immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor Packard paused for a brief prayer and anointing of a member and personal prayer was given that he might be well endowed so that he might command force and over shadow mayor corded-weeney, that his priesthood would be strong with her. That she might know that this is the will of the father , The Mayor asked again, is this not your job to bury the dead? Paster, Poker Packard yelled a grimmished reply "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,..... but I always like to bury the probe of the investigation with the mayor before we go on to notify the next of kin."

Maybe we can bury it between us.. 08/10/99 - anon

A Primary teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them from class to go to Sacrament Meeting, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in Sacrament Meeting?"

Little Spencer jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

Relief Society leaders and organizers of the first "BYU Orgasm Week" held this year in Provo were very disappointed with the results obtained.

It seems at least three-quarters of the sisters polled just pretended to celebrate it.

Boyd KKK Packer comes running to the Hinckster and says he has good news and bad news. "What is the good news?" asks the Prophet. "God is on the phone, and says he has an important message for all the mormons in the world, AND he wants to talk to you about it right away."

"WOW! that's fantastic!" exclaims Hinckley. "Imagine, God on the phone, and HE wants to talk to me, the Prophet of the One True Church. I must hurry." "Quickly, tell me the bad news."

"He's calling from the Vatican."

God came down for His last visit with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden at Adam Ondi Ahman in what is now Jackson County, Missouri. He told them that he had one precious gift for each of them since they had so virtuously repented of their original sin.

"The first gift is The Holy Melchezedic Priesthood and" .... Adam rudely interjected, jumping up and down impatiently, "I want that, I want the Holy Priesthood, I love being the boss!"

God said, "Very well, Adam, your wish is granted and now for the second precious gift, multiple orgasms."

Boyd K Packer was completing a temperance sermon in General Conference: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said while pounding the pulpit, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. President Thomas S. Monson stood and said, "We shall now close this session of conference with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River?" with the benediction by Elder M. T. Kegger of the Quorum of the Twelve Alcoholics 07/19/1999 - BT & cricket

A very righteous and spiritual Mormon man lived right next door to an atheist. While the righteous one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at the LDS Chapel. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the Mormon man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his ten kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

A Mormon Bishop was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a sister who said, "Bishop, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The Bishop replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after Relief Society, the Bishop called the woman aside and said PMS is in the Joseph Smith's Inspired Version of the Bible, he showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

This little Lamanite boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Lamanite paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Condom, why are you so curious?"

A family was having their annual re-union. They were all active LDS except apart from one son. One morning the father was standing ith his back to the fire when down comes son #1.

"Ah good morning my son, I trust you slept well?" enquired the father.

"Oh yes father, " said the first son joining his father at the fire, "I had a wonderful dream. I dreampt I went to heaven. Oh it is a wonderful place, with St. Peter, Joseph Smith and Bruce R. McConkie at the pearly gates..."

At that moment son #2 comes down.

"Ah good morning my son, I trust you slept well?" enquired the father.

"Oh yes father, " said the second son joining his brother and father at the fire, "I had a wonderful dream. I dreampt I went to heaven. Oh it is a wonderful place, with St. Peter, Brigham Young and Paul H. Dunn at the pearly gates..."

Just then the third son, the only one who was an atheist, came down the stairs.

"Ah good morning my son, I trust you slept well?" enquired the father.

"Oh yes father, I dreampt I went to hell".

"Good gracious, " ejaculates the father, "and what was it like there my son?" asks the flabbergasted father

"Oh pretty much the same as here. You couldn't get near the fire for Mormons!"


A man died and immediately went to the Pearly Gates. There he met St. Peter, who said, OK you've led a good life, you can come in. What religion are you? The man replied, "I'm a jack mormon, haven't been to church in years, I don't really have a religion."

"Well," said St. Peter, "the reason I ask is that we like to group people with their religion up here. But in cases like yours, we allow you to choose. Come, I'll take you on a little 'tour'. After you've seen all the groups, you can decide where to stay."

So St. Peter and the newly deceased took a walk around heaven. "Here are the Baptists, there are the Hindu, there are the ReOrganized LDS" etc. . .

Soon they came to a large door. St. Peter stopped before they got to it and said, "SHhh. . . ." And they tiptoed past the door.

When they were well past, the man stopped St. Peter and said, "What was up with that door, and why did we have to be so quiet?"

St. Peter replied, "Those were the Mormons. They think they're the only ones here."

Why do you always take 2 mormons with you when you go fishing?

Cause if you take only one, he'll drink all your beer.

Two prostitutes were riding around Salt Lake City with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES...$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed, driven by Ed Decker of Saints Alive, with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."

Comments Section

I love these jokes! Thanks for posting them, and your other articles. I've just been researching LDS, and it has been quite disturbing. These jokes lightened the mood. :-) Hope all the TBM (True Believing Mormons) who find this get a bit of a shock. - 03/11/2009 - NotEmma

i think if we could tell a few jokes and lighten up we could get more members - 12/22/2008 - my eyes are open

I didn't think ANY of these jokes are appropriate for visiting or home teachers. In fact, I found many of them to be quite offensive. - 05/09/2004 -


Post your comments in this text box.

Name or handle:

E-Mail - leave blank to remain anonymous:


Home - Site Map