Question: Why do GA's have rocks in their heads?
Answer: Because they are full of schist.

Question: Who will become the first female GA?
Answer: No, it's not Sherry Dew. It's Sister Krystal Bahl.

Question: What scale do the GA's (geology authorities) use to measure the negative impact of Joseph Smith's marriage to underage girls upon Mormons?
Answer: The Dick-her Scale.

Question: What is the Mormon definition of General Relativity?
Answer: Nepotism - the true inspiration behind higher callings in the Church.

Question: Why do Elder Holland's jowls resemble a landslide?
Answer: Gravity demands that wrinkles and fat tissue seek rest at "The Angle of Repose."

Question: What is the Mormon equivalent of Mount Rushmore?
Answer: Mount Gushmore - The heads of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Gordon Hinckley and Thomas Monson.

Question: Why was Joseph Smith the first GA (geology authority) in this dispensation?
Answer: Because he could really make the bed rock.

Question: Who were the first GA missionaries?
Answer: Elder Flintstone and Elder Rubble.

Oakley's Urim and Thummim - "See like a prophet!"

Due to declines in tithing revenue and to save the LDS Church the expense of Elder Holland's medical charges, retired heart surgeon and next in line to become prophet, Elder Russell M Nelson volunteers to put Elder Holland under his scalpel.

Unfortunately while operating on Holland, Nelson slips and accidently cuts off Holland's scrotum. Exceedingly quick with revelation and inspiration he inserts two onions and sews it back up.

Next week at their temple meeting Nelson and Holland meet up.

"Any problems?" asks Nelson.

"A few," says Holland emotionally. "I cry when I pee, my helpmeet gets heartburn after giving me oral sex and I get an eternal eretion whenever I pass a hot dog stand in the food court at The City Creek Mall!"

"Well maybe a second anointing will help?" questions Nelson

"No thanks. Last time I did the second anointing I ended up with a huge pain in my ass - Tom Phillips!" ejaculated Holland.