by Phoenix Rising and others from Recovery from Mormonism.
"And with this free pass I can enter the Playboy mansion." - 03/25/2009 - esias
Hey!!! Wait a minute! This is not my Temple Recommend. This card states that I am the Grand Poobah of "The Dumb Sucker's Club! - 12/19/2008 - anon
I am too a prophet - see, it says so right here!! - 01/16/2007 - MSKC
This card is special to me. If you will please forgive me while I indulge a bit, but the paper from this card came from a maple tree that I planted in my yard over 50 years ago. It is precious to me.
I had planted the tree with the family during a rare weekend that we had together while I was not attending to other church duties. Now when it looked like the maple tree was about to die, I wondered what we could to with the dead wood. I knew that the distribution center would be pretty more materials. These materials would need to be printed using paper. I asked if I might be able to donate the wood from my maple to help in this glorious work. You see the result in front of you... - 05/07/2006 - Seneca
These fine business cards were made from trees that I planted as a boy. - 05/07/2006 - Paul Bunyan
"Alright, which one of you jokers slipped me this card for 10% off at the Mustang Ranch?" - 05/07/2006 - Warren Jeffs
Brothers and Sisters I bear you my testimony that Dr. Harry Rump is a true proctologist and the only man on the face of the earth with whom I would entrust my bowels. - 05/07/2006 - Harman Rectum, Jr.
Sisters, please stop slipping your business cards into my coat pockets. I have no intention to remarry for time or eternity. - 05/06/2006 - Sheri Dew
GBH: Who has been passing out these "Come meet our new prophet Thomas S Monson this Sunday at the Conference Center" cards? - 05/07/2006 - Dan McKenzie
Having given up on trying to get revelations from Joseph's seer stone, Hinckley resorts to using cards from a Zoltan the fortune teller machine. - 03/12/2006 - Helemon
While giving a conference address on the need for increasing members tithing and offerings he held up a tithe slip as an example of a wealthy couple residing in Desmoines Iowa.
Before General Conference the apostles and prophet release their pre-stage jitters with a friendly game of Bingo, Mormon style of course. Here we see President Hinckley thoroughly ecstatic as he holds up his card and yells BINGO. The winning number was:
Under the B........43. Get it, Brigham's polygamous wives. Actually the rest of the apostles let Pres. Hinckley win that round on grounds that they all agreed that an exact number has never been precisely established.
Half way through his own talk and no longer able to stand the drone of his own voice or that of the apostles, Gordon Hinckley became bored almost unto tears and waved his valet ticket so the driver would bring his car around and take him home.
This picture captures the immensely joyful countenance radiating from the face of a prophet of the lord.
In this picture the yellow and blue ropes, or scarves, around his neck were a decidely last minute fashion statement by his wardrobe people. It was given by inspiration that this new look would make him more fashionable and trendy to appeal to the youth of today. It was created by the very same illustrious designer who recently tweaked the garment design. Hinckleys team were sure they could up sales by providing these cloth neck scarves for sale at Deseret clothing. Voting among apostles was slated to determine whether or not these scarves should be made mandatory clothing.
Speaking to the Relief Society Sisters, President Hinckley handed out cards for a new website addressing the fine art of planning a mormon funeral: www.jennysmith.net/relief-society/funeral-and-meal-planning
The back of the card has a recipe for funeral potatoes.
Who said the prophet doesn't guide and direct his people in times of need.
Hinckley, dressed in the robes of the false priesthood, produces for viewing the new temple recommend card that doubles as a National Rifle Association membership card. He's calling it the "Make My Day" card, and is throwing in hints that if the user goes to the temple three times in one month, he will be eligible for a $1000 prize at a drawing to be announced in the future.
Meanwhile, Tommy Monson has tossed a yellow noose around Hinckley's neck and is slowly drawing it tight in order to cut Hinkley's blood circulation off from his face and jerk him offstage because he has no intention of giving money back to the members in the form of lotteries.
Concerned that he has been waning in the area of providing prophetic statements and miracles traditionally associated with a prophet of the Lord Hinckley dazzles the crowd with his best miracle yet.... magically pulling a tithe slip out of his ass.
Ooows and aaaahs could be heard as the crowd fell to hushed tones and quickly pulled out cheques and pens.
Hinckley shows the audience what the doctors pulled out of his ass during his proctology exam. Seems he had to swallow national security secrets when a terrorist cornered him in the lobby of the Deseret Towers apartment building.
Reuters: News update. Sources claim the terrorist is an anti mormon hailing from the colorado area. Further investigation is pending.
Phoenix Rising in her halloween costume. She's reading off a cue card that says,
"Myeeeeeee deeeeeeeeeeaarrrrrrrr brothers and sisters...."
President Hinkley gives a heartwarming and faith-building convocation address at BYU Hawaii earlier this year:
"Brethren and Sisters, I promise you that if you sacrifice for the Lord, we can use real flowers in the lei's that we give out at the Polynesian Center.
May the Lord bless you in your sacrifice, that you be filled with his spirit as you do His work to bring fresh flowers to tourists so that they may be intoxicated with their sweet aroma before we acost them with the missionary discussions.
Then when you give your friends one of these cards as a free pass to the Polynesian Cultural Center, you will know they will be treated with respect and dignity before we take away their free will and assimilate their distiveness into our collectivity. But I don't know anything about that; I only hear small whisperings of inspiration.
And for my efforts, BYU Hawaii granted me an honorary doctorate and a doctoral hood. What an honor to be honored by the Lord's faithful brown people of the sea. I will cherish these fake lai's as gifts of the Lamanites whose skin has not yet whitened.
It is good that I'm a forgiving man, and accepted these plastic lai's instead of real flowers, but if they hadn't just hooded me with this fake doctorate I may have had to hear the whisper tell me to close this place down. Because homosexuality is like diving into an empty swimming pool, and these brown island people wear far to few clothes.
So give your friends these little cards, a free pass to see perfectly innocent jiggling Lamanite flesh--aren't Indians so faithful? truly of the house of Methusaleh...I mean Manasseh--and give of your material goods for a real Lei for your Prophet, Seer, and Revelator.
In Jesus name I bless you with strength to stand up to the evil wiles of the deceiver and to know that I am true. In his name, repent and walk the straight and narrow. Come to Hawaii. Land of sugar and pineapples and Lamanites.
Our lord and savior bless us. In his name. Amen. "
Thank you President Hinckley for that moving story about flowers.
It reminds me of the time I was a tender new apostle giving my first conference talk. Our dear and beloved prophet President Hinckley took time out of his busy schedule to speak to me and offer me words of encouragement. It was then that he told me the hidden and precious secret behind delivering the lords message.
He gently explained that if you put a pretty and sweetly scented wreathe of flowers around your neck your audience will be captivated by its beauty and the sweet odor will mask the stink of bullshit.
I then gently replied to our dear prophet, "President Hinckley, my shit doesn't stink therefore I have no need for a flowered lei." To which the prophet replied, "I know Thomas, I know, that is why I too do not have flowers on my lei. You see we know our shit doesn't smell but the Polynesian Center has had a down fiscal year and we can use every penny we can get."
"Who left this calling card for Penis Enlargement, Inc., on Packer's desk?"
"And the winner is . . . 'Brokeback Mountain!'"
"I'm a-gonna punch my ticket to th' eternities if'n ya don't start a-kissin' my ass more regularlike than yer does already, an', believe me, yer don't want that kinda guilt, cowboys! Got it!"
Pres. Hinckley was pleased to announce that all bishops will now be equipped to accept credit card payments for tithes and offerings.
After receiving pressure from anti mormons to disclose church finances, President Hinckley hesitantly decided to take a completely foreign approach, which was to be honest, open and up front with the church members.
At one point in the talk he held up a receipt for the church's light and heating/air conditioning bill and comparatively noted that it costs more money to cool the building in the summer than to heat in the winter. Here we see President Hinckley in a particularly solemn moment as he waved the light bill in the air and reminded the Brethren and Sisters of the heavy expense it takes to keep church buildings operational by saying, "these bills don't pay themselves you know!!"
One member noticed that the prophet failed to provide a financial list of assets to compare with the bills but was quickly lulled into a state of acceptance by the prophets hypnotic voice and quickly cast the thought aside. Afterall, he knew that the church was true and the prophet was ordained of God therefore there was nothing more to question.
The brethren debated which woman they should appoint to feminist public relations. This woman had to have the uncanny ability to juggle her ability to embrace a totally patriarchal system while also appearing to have egalitarian confidence.
After much prayer and fasting in the temple the brethren still could not come to a unanimous decision as to who to appoint. Finally, after 2 days of unsuccessful deliberation the prophet dislcosed his perferred method for attaining revelation and answers to his questions. It was agree to put all the names of the nominee choices in a hat and the prophet would pick one.
Here we see a picture of the glorious moment when the prophet held up the stub of paper with Sherry Dew's name.
Sherry anxiously waited outside for the "inspired call" proving to the GA's that they had indeed made the correct choice.
"LDS Security has informed us of a security breach. A Penthouse was left in the holy of holies with a thank you note from a Mr. Mike norton. over."
"No? Well, then can I get to the Celestial Kingdom if I married a dead guy in the temple? No? Look Gordy -- I'm losing my patience here. You do something about my salvation or I pull the Books of Mormon from the shelves and replace them with No Man Knows My History."
"Oh, I agree that there was a pure love between Jack and Ennis, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean, but I think that 'A History of Violence' is more revealing about what really lies underneath the calm exterior of the 'ideal husband.' That's why I won't have a guy like that in my life, especially not a Mormon one. Now, that young hottie in the mailroom at Deseret Book, on the other hand . . . well, if they knew about him, um, well . . ."
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