Mormon Sexuality - Past Present and Future

Be fruitful as fruit flies, reproduce like rabbits and replenish the earth with minivans full of Morgbots. What's with Morgasm madness? Why do General Authorities act like Genital Authorities? From 1830 to the present - here's what's going down with Mormon sexuality.

The M-Word - Mormon General Authorities getting off on this personal issue

Bishop in the Bedroom - First Presidency privacy intrusions

Holy Hormones vs Mormon Morals - Latter Day Sexuality not so Saintly

Multiply and Replenish Mormon Essays on Sex and Family (Essays on Mormonism Series) (Paperback) by Brent Corcoran (Editor)

BYU Torture of Gays - Electric aversion therapy short circuit

But what happened to the sheep?

10/23/2009 - by Searching 27 and Reinventing Grace of Recovery from Mormonism

Searching 27 posted this little gem:

I live in a ward in which a group of priests had sexual relations with a sheep, had it on video, were found out and nothing was done to them. They kept on blessing the sacrament. Weird and seriously screwed up stuff.

Now, we know that the priests got off scot free. But what happened to the sheep?

Here are a few possibilities:

10) Sheep chastised for walking alone in a field

9) Sheep chastised for wearing skin-tight clothing (maybe it just got sheared?)

8) Sheep excommunicated for leading the Aaronic Priesthood into temptation?

7) Sheep forced to give "ewe-priest" offspring up for adoption by uber-conservative TBM (True Believing Mormon) farmer?

6) Sheep ostracized by other sheep for having her cupcake licked?

5) Sheep asked to read "Miracle of Forgiveness" and realizes she should have slit her throat rather than let herself be violated?

4) Sheep grilled over what she might have done to bring this situation on -- how did she act when the Priests came across the field toward her? Had she been making passes at this particular set of priests in the past?

3) Bishop goes over the sheep's records and finds out that she confessed to a minor sin when she was a Beehive. Decides that that's probably why she got into this mess...

2) Bishop told the sheep that she was "walking pornography"

and...

1) Sheep told she wasn't worthy to take the sacrament.

Church Leader's Unhealthy Teachings on Sex

07/21/2009 - Deconstructor of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Here's a collection of official teachings from Mormon Prophets and Apostles from 2002 way back to the 1950s. They include teachings from all parts of the Mormon propaganda machine - general conference, current lesson manuals, church magazines, official pamphlets, popular books and even Family Home Evening Guides.

Forward this to your TBM (True Believing Mormon) friends and family and ask them how many of these they agree with.

Notice how often they refer to Alma 39:5 and re-testify that sexual "impurity" is next to murder. And for Mormon leaders, sexual impurity includes anything from french-kissing, petting and masturabation all the way up to oral sex.

"Why is this matter of sexual relationships so severe that fire is almost always the metaphor, with passion pictured vividly in flames? What is there in all of this that prompts Alma to warn his son Corianton that sexual transgression is 'an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost'? (Alma 39:5)." -Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, "Personal Purity," New Era, Feb. 2000, page 4

"We desire with holy zeal to emphasize the enormity of sexual sins. We hold that sexual sin is second only to the shedding of innocent blood in the category of personal crimes. Though often regarded as insignificant by those not knowing the will of God, they are, in his eyes an abomination, and if we are to remain his favored people they must be shunned as the gates of hell. The evil results of these sins are so patent in vice, crime, misery and disease that it would appear that all, young and old, must perceive and sense them. They are destroying the world. If we are to be preserved we must abhor them, shun them, not practice the least of them, for they weaken and enervate, they kill man spiritually, they make him unfit for the company of the righteous and the presence of God. -Prophet Joseph F. Smith, Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith, 18: Chastity and Purity, From the Life of Joseph F. Smith Lesson Manual, page 155 - Published and taught during 2000-2001 Church-wide Priesthood and Relief Society classes

"If we pollute our fountains of life, there will be penalties 'exquisite' and 'hard to bear' (see D&C 19:15), more than all of the physical pleasure ever could be worth. Alma told his son Corianton, 'Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?' (Alma 39:5.) The code for moral law is found in the scriptures, stated as simply as, 'Wickedness never was happiness.' (Alma 41:10.) The scriptures speak in general terms, leaving us free to apply the principles of the gospel to meet the infinite variety of life. But when they say 'thou shalt not,' we had better pay attention. -Boyd K. Packer, "Our Moral Environment," Ensign, May 1992, page 66

"God has placed foremost in the category of serious crimes against which we are warned... first, murder, and second only to that, sexual impurity. The Church counsels you to be modest in your dress and manner and to forbid the evil thoughts that would prompt your lips to obscenity and your conduct to be base and unseemly. One day [we] will have to meet our Maker and as Moroni put it - and this is pretty strong language - he said, 'Do you think that you could be happy in the presence of the Holy One of Israel with a sense of guilt of your own uncleanness?' He said, 'You would be happier to live with the damned souls in hell than in the presence of the Holy One of Israel with your uncleanness and your filthiness still upon you.'" -Prophet Harold B. Lee, The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, p. 213-14, 2002-2003 lesson manual for all Church-wide Priesthood and Relief Society classes

"In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Jacob tells us that the Lord delights in the chastity of His children (see Jacob 2:28). Do you know that, my brothers and sisters? The Lord is not just pleased when we are chaste; He delights in chastity. Mormon taught the same thing to his son Moroni when he wrote that chastity and virtue are 'most dear and precious above ALL things' (Moro. 9:9). You may discover to your horror that what you should have saved you have spent, and that only Godís grace (the Church) can recover the virtue you so casually gave away. On your wedding day the very best gift you can give your eternal companion is your very best self - clean and pure and worthy of such purity in return." -Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, "Personal Purity," New Era, Feb. 2000, page 4

"You will recall Almaís teaching his son Corianton that unchastity is the most serious offense there is in the sight of God, except for murder or denying the Holy Ghost. (See Alma 39:5.) President Clark, in a conference address in October 1938, said: 'Chastity is fundamental to our life and to our civilization. If the race becomes unchaste, it will perish. Immorality has been basic to the destruction of mighty nations of the past; it will bring to dust the mighty nations of the present. You young people, may I directly entreat you to be chaste. Please believe me when I say that chastity is worth more than life itself. This is the doctrine my parents taught me; it is truth. It is better to die chaste than to live unchaste. The salvation of your very souls is concerned in this.' (In Conference Report, Oct. 1938, pp. 137-38). Now, my dear friends, we know there is nothing new in what we have said. These things are time-tested; they are true. To this we testify" -First Presidency Message "We Believe in Being Chaste," Ensign, Sept. 1981, 3

"One of the most solemn statements about being chaste is that of Alma to his son Corianton: 'Know ye not, my son,' he said, 'that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all the sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?' (Alma 39:5). Very few of us will ever be guilty of murder or of the sin against the Holy Ghost. But the law of chastity is frequently broken and yet it stands next to these other sins in seriousness in the eyes of the Lord. -Prophet Ezra Taft Benson, "The Law of Chastity," Tambuli & Ensign, Oct. 1988, page 36

"Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, [unwed] pregnancy, and abortions - all ugly sins - but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins. They awaken lust and stir evil thoughts and sex desires. They are but parts of the whole family of related sins and indiscretions. Almost like twins, 'petting' and fornication are alike." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, page 65 - popular book for Bishops to use when counseling members

"On the very brink of sorrow and disgrace are they who are guilty of immodesty, necking, petting, or other secret and unwholesome practices. Neither person is at his best when he is petting. Each discovers in the other and reveals in himself traits of which he should be ashamed. He is voluntarily permitting himself to be led down the path of misery and shame. Some pride themselves on never going further than petting. They do not realize how disastrously far they have already gone." -Apostle Hugh B. Brown, The Abundant Life, page 64

"Petting is indecent and sinful, and the person who attempts to pet with you is himself both indecent and sinful and is likewise lustful... Is that what you want? Will you not remember that in the category of crime, God says sex sin is next to murder?" -Apostle Mark E. Petersen, General Conference, 3 October 1956

Alma told his wayward son Corianton, who had gone after the Lamanite harlot Isabel: 'Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?' (Alma 39:5.) Sometimes we give as reasons for the law of chastity the risk of pregnancy or abortion, the possibility of an unwanted or embarrassing marriage, or the chance of a terrible venereal disease. As serious as these things are, Iím not sure they are the fundamental reason for the Lordís having placed this commandment ahead of armed robbery, fraud, and kidnapping in the seriousness of sins. Think of it - unchastity is second only to murder. Perhaps there is a common element in those two things - chastity and murder. -Elder Bruce C. Hafen, 'The Gospel and Romantic Love,' Tambuli, June 1983, page 23

"The prophet Alma grieved because one of his sons had broken the law of chastity. Alma said to his son Corianton, 'Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?' (Alma 39:5). Unchastity is next to murder in seriousness. -Gospel Principles Manual, Unit Eight: FAMILY SALVATION, 39: THE LAW OF CHASTITY, page 247, Manual used today in church-wide Gospel Doctrine classes

"Relate the story of Corianton, one of Almaís sons, in Alma 39:3-4. Discuss how he sinned by forsaking his ministry and going after Isabel. Point out that he broke Godís law of chastity. Read together what Alma said to Corianton in Alma 39:5. Discuss why sexual transgression is such a serious sin." -Current Family Home Evening Resource Book, LESSON IDEAS, CHASTITY, page 177

"Why canít someone go into a missionary training center or into the mission field, repent of sins, and fix the problems there? Perhaps the best answer to that question is 'Because the Lord says you canít.' The First Presidency has given clear direction that this will not be the case. What does it mean to be totally clean? It means that you would never be involved in the serious transgression... or any other sexual activities, or even transgressions of perhaps a lesser degree, but still of great seriousness, such as petting, (masturbation) or pornography of any kind. It means we must shun immodesty, flee from bad thoughts, and avoid even the appearance of sin."

"Several weeks into his mission, in total agony for his sins, (a missionary) confessed them to his mission president. What a sad experience! He felt greatly relieved that heíd finally confessed, but with all his heart wished he had done so earlier. With great sadness for all, the young man was sent home. One can only imagine the pain, humiliation, and regret. How his parents and family wept! How the heavens must have wept!" -Elder Gene R. Cook, "Worthy to Serve," New Era, May 1994, page 4, widely distributed to new missionaries entering the mission field

"And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth." (Genesis 4:9-14.) That was true of murder. It is also true of illicit sex, which, of course, includes all petting, fornication, adultery, homosexual acts, and all other perversions. The Lord may say to offenders, as He did to Cain, "What hast thou done?" The children thus conceived make damning charges against you; the companions who have been frustrated and violated condemn you; the body that has been defiled cries out against you; the spirit which has been dwarfed convicts you. You will have difficulty throughout the ages in totally forgiving yourself." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "Love Versus Lust", BYU Speech January 5, 1965. Often-used quote still used today in LDS seminary classes.

"I do not find in the Bible the modern terms "petting" nor "homosexuality," yet I found numerous scriptures which forbade such acts under by whatever names they might be called. I could not find the term "homosexuality," but I did find numerous places where the Lord condemned such a practice with such vigor that even the death penalty was assessed." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "Love Versus Lust", BYU Speech January 5, 1965.

"The early apostles and prophets mention sins which seemed completely reprehensible to them. Some of them were adultery, being without natural affection, lustfulness, infidelity, incontinence, filthy communications, impurity, inordinate affection, inventors of evil things. Today we call them necking, petting, fornication, sex perversion and masturbation. Included are every hidden and secret sin, and all unholy and impure thoughts and practices. Next to the unpardonable sin (of murder) come the diabolical crimes of sexual impurity which raise their ugly heads in many different forms, including aberrations of self-pollution (masturbation) and the abhorrent and unnatural practices involving other people (petting, fornication, homosexuality). First Presidency Pamphlet, "To The Returning Missionary", Page 11, still distributed today to most RMs.

"A boy whom the apostle (Spencer W. Kimball) a week back had turned down for a missionary recommend, wrote that he had resisted petting with his girl, and was determined to justify the apostle's confidence in him. And a young girl wrote him thanks for his counsel the week before, continuing: "I know with your (Spencer W. Kimball) blessing and your prayers I will overcome my weaknesses. Pray for me, please. It seems easier to have some help. I hope there are few in this world like me. I often wondered why the Lord didn't destroy me for all the things I've done." -Biography of Spencer W. Kimball, Chapter 15.

"To keep the Children of Israel from committing these sins, the Lord proceeds to name them and to prescribe penalties for their commission. I am going to name a few of them. First is incest. I am not enlarging on it. In the law incest included more than we now ascribe to it. It included marriage between people within prohibited relationships. The penalty for incest was death to both parties. Fornication-sometimes adultery and fornication are used interchangeably. But for most kinds of fornication, the penalty was death. For adultery, it was death for both parties. For homosexuality, it was death to the male and the prescription or penalty for the female I do not know." -Apostle J. Reuben Clark, Jr., Conference Address, April 8, 1957.

"Prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice. What is more, it too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality. For, done in private, it evolves often into mutual masturbation-practiced with another person of the same sex and thence into total homosexuality...." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "The Miracle of Forgiveness, Pages 77-79, 81-82.

"If adultery or fornication justified the death penalty in the old days, and still in Christ's day, is the sin any less today because the laws of the land do not assess the death penalty for it? Is the act less grievous? There must be a washing, a purging, a changing of attitudes, a correcting of appraisals, a strengthening toward self-mastery. There must be many prayers, and volumes of tears. There must be an inner conviction giving to the sin its full diabolical weight. There must be increased devotion and much thought and study. And this takes energy and time and often is accompanied with sore embarrassment, heavy deprivations and deep trials, even if indeed one is not excommunicated from the Church, losing all spiritual blessings." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, "The Miracle of Forgiveness, Page 155

"How like the mistletoe is immorality. The killer plant starts with a sticky sweet berry. Little indiscretions are the berries -- indiscretions like sex thoughts sex discussions, passionate kissing, pornography. The leaves and little twigs are masturbation and necking and such, growing with every exercise. The full-grown plant is petting and sex looseness. It confounds, frustrates, and destroys like the parasite if it is not cut out and destroyed, for, in time it robs the tree, bleeds its life, and leaves it barren and dry; and, strangely enough, the parasite dies with its host." -Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, General Conference Address, April 1, 1967.

1. What is the consistent message?
2. As a true-believing Mormon, how would this make you feel about your own sexuality - even after marriage?
3. What does it say about how God sees human sexuality?

Mormon Pornography Obsession: Classic Case of Repression Breeding Obsession

- 04/14/2009- by Steve Lowther and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Floundering by Steve Lowther Utah has the highest rate (5.47) of subscriptions to adult-content sites per 1,000 households with broadband access, according to a paper in the Journal of Economic Perspectives. Montana has the lowest rate with 1.92 per 1,000 households. (Discover Magazine, May 2009, page 12)

Late in December, my wife ambushed me by calling me into the living room where there sat the bishop. She announced she was divorcing me (we've been married 32 years) because I was producing "pornography". These are the images to which she was referring: http://snipr.com/srl_nudes

It is noteworthy to say that some of these images are over 40 years old, having been made prior to my even knowing her. At one time she had a painted copy of one of the images (the lady in the lake titled "Floundering") hanging downstairs or in our bedroom. That is until a Mormon friend of our adult daughter (when she was about 10 years old) was forbidden to come to our house because of this "pornography".

When we owned a photographic studio my wife dictated some standards and just assumed I signed on when I had boudoir sittings. I pretty much followed along, however.

As a surgical tech I used to work day in and day out with nude bodies of all genders, shapes, races, and ages. My art training made nudity common place. Unlike what many of the Mormons believe, nudity does not equal sexual arousal for males who are accustomed to it.

I have since found out from my bishop and an LDS therapist who counsels "pornography addicts" that BOTH say that the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is "old Italian pornography" and that Michelangelo's "David" should be wearing pants.

We were PORN HEADQUARTERS in Orem - by Baura

We moved to Orem. My mother and father, TBMs both, were great admirers of Renaissance Art. We had reproductions of Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" hanging in the hallway and Botticelli's "Birth of Venus" in the living room. There was also a foot-and-a-half reproduction of Michelangelo's "David." in the corner of the living room.

So we'd been in this TBM neighborhood for a few months making friends with out neighbors and one day my Mother answers the door. It's a small group of girls age about 8 years or so.

"Well, hi!" says my Mom to them.

"Do you have a naked man in your living room?" one of the girls asks. My Mother is taken back; what? a naked man in the living room!? She looks around and realized they mean the copy of the "David" statue.

"Oh, you mean this staute?"

"Yes," says the girl, "Can we see it?"

"Sure," says my Mom. The girls come in and see "David" and then say "bye" and leave.

I'm sure that generated a lot of dinner-table conversations in the neighborhood.

When my Mom died we were dividing up the stuff in the house. My older brother looked up at the "Creation of Adam" painting and said, "This would go great in the study." His Orem-born and bred TBM wife immediately, and emphatically said, "Oh no it won't."

Remember, under your clothes you are "walking pornography."

An original portrait was given to me - by 3x

years ago by a friend of a local artist. It was about 18" X 24", and a prominent feature was a reclining female nude, anatomically complete, plus assorted symbolic elements - among them a lion. The paint was applied in thick layers, hence the woman's breasts and pubic thatch were three dimensional. Sexuality was a clear theme, but only an idiot would have characterized the painting as pornography.

I could never decide whether it was an interesting painting, or simply a pretentious one - but it came into my hands at precisely the time when (after less than 3 months) I had recognized mormonism as bullshit exemplified. That left only one thing to do: hang the painting prominently in our living room, for the edification of any FaithBots who might come my way.

I was never actually in the room when the mormon home creepers were present, but I could hear their nervous twittering and gasping when gazing upon the "porno" hanging on my wall.

Eventually the stress proved too much for them, and they stopped coming - and none have set foot in my residence in over 2 decades. Sweet Jesus - but I do love art :)

"Wait, wait, I want to show you the _special_ paintings in the basement ..."

Tapping Sexuality at BYU

- 01/26/2009- by Rubicon and others

BYU Gays Here's how gay BYU students tap in the restroom signaling for sex.

Gay BYU Student in Stall #1: Tap! Tap! Tap!

Gay BYU Student in Stall #2: "What is wanted?"

Gay BYU Student in Stall #1: " I (Give Fake Name) have come for gay sex."

Gay BYU Student in Stall #2: (Swings stall door open) Let him enter!

"Let us go down. We shall go down." - Fallible

Then the guy in stall #1 says "From the fruit of my fruity loins you shall enjoy." - Elder George Carlin

"What is that? The patriarchal grip or sure sign of being gay." - Anubis

Am I holding onto the iron rod, or are you just happy to see me? - Elder George Carlin

"Has it a name? It has! Will you give it to me? I will through the Vail." - Anubis

Only 72 virgins?

- 12/15/2008 - by Blashoodaloom

Proof positive that Islam is a false religion.

Question:

What motivates Islamic suicide bombers to offer Allah the "ultimate sacrifice"?

Answer:

Islamic suicide bombers are motivated by eager anticipation of a heavenly reward in the form of having sexual relations with 72 virgins.

Gospel Doctrine Analysis:

As any F.A.R.M.S. apprentice knows, this irrational belief proves that Islam cannot possible be God's only true church.

Only 72 virgins?

Only 72 rolls in Celestial Hay?

You call THAT heaven?

72?

True Believing Mormon (TBM) priesthood holders scoff at such a piddly low number of heavenly sex partners. In the ONLY TROO CHURCH, the number of sex partners for righteous Mormon men is . . . well . . . without number! Virgins without number! And we're not talking about math challenged girls. We're talking Carl Sagan quantities of heavenly, praiseworthy, we seek after these things - kinds of girls! Can you spell "billions and billions" of sexy partners?

72 virgins? Pshaw! Send the Elders to preach the only TROO GOSPEL to those misguided, irrational suicide bombers. Throwing your life away for only 72 sweeties? Mormon males throw their lives away for so, so many more!

Gay Rumours Are Dangerous

11/22/2008 - by TLC

There's a saying in Hollywood: "You know you've arrived when the gay rumours start." I think it was Samantha who famously used the phrase on an episode of Sex & The City when talking to her *pant pant* boyfriend Smith. But the saying has been around forever in one form or another.

Rumours are easy but rarely is there any way to substantiate them, so it's folly to put too much stock in them. In what is now an infamous utterance when asked if a certain Hollywod celebrity she knew was gay, Tallulah Bankhead responded, "Well I don't know darling, he's never sucked my ****." (rhymes with rock)

I've been asked forever and ever if Tom Selleck is gay. OK, I have a friend who says he dated Tom back in the early days of his career and that he was a sloppy kisser. (Now I'm really distracted. What was the question?) Anyway, I keep thinking wow, do people really think I'd know if Selleck was gay? Darlings, he's never sucked my, anyway, you get the idea.

There are rumours abundant about a lot of people but unless you've actually had sex with them it's kind of weird to sepculate about their sexuality based on rumours or hearsay. Take Stevie Benson for example: people out there have been trying to make him gay and my boyfriend for years and I just have to tell you, there ain't nobody less gay on earth than my Stevie. He's a doll but he doesn't walk like a gay guy and if you don't walk like a gay guy then you don't getta be a gay guy. And besides, he's never sucked my, anyway, you get the idea. Anybody can say anybody is gay but that don't make it so.

I've been called straight. Yeh right, about as straight as a dog's hind leg. See what I'm getting at? Just calling me straight don't mean squat. Calling somebody gay don't mean diddledy.

It would seem logical that there would be a similiar percentage of gay men and lesbians in mormonism as there are gay men and lesbians in the population at large. Most estimates put that at 5 to 6 percent. (Most definitely not 10% as is often bandied about.) So what can you extrapolate from that?

Well, I'm not a statistician although I'm good friends with one who occasionally hangs out here and I'd love for him to weigh in if he's reading this. But I would say that at any given time in the thongs of the general authorities there's a good chance that you've got a bent one hiding somewhere in the cushions of the tabernacle. And if it's not one of the hierarchy it could surely be one of the guys at the Tab Fab Organ or the guy directing the Mo Fab Choir or the guy arranging the flowers for the brain-squishing Gen Con. (Oh so sue me for resorting to stereotypes. I do flowers so I can play with the stereotype if I want to.)

Since conservatives apparently have problems vetting potential candidates properly it's possible that a couple of pillow biters have weasled their way into the hierarchy of mormonism. I had a five year affair with a prominent Salt Lake City businessman who was married and mormon with a ton of kids who recently served as a mission president in a European mission. The guy is way back in the back of that closet and it's quite possible that his money and his prestige has made it possible for the morms to look the other way when it comes to his pink-tinged proclivities.

Ditto for any one of the uppers in mormonism. Everything is not always as it seems. It's easy for this ex-boss of mine to hide in plain sight because no one would ever suspect in a million years that he was gay. If he could get away with it there's for sure hundreds if not thousands of other gay mormon men doing the same thing. OK, we actually know that for a fact, don't we. Yeh, I hear from a lot of them eventually.

My point is, be careful about the speculations. Remember that mormon football player, what's his name? I don't know, he's related to Brigham or something. Well, people have been trying to make him gay since as long as forever and yet look at what his wife did with regards to Prop 8. She gave fifty thousand dollars to the No on 8 campaign and made a very heartfelt statement to go along with it. Does that make her husband gay? No. Have you had sex with him? If you have then that would be your criteria. And even then, remember that I had sex with women for 14 years and it still didn't make me straight.

It's tricky stuff.

The best list for destroying a Mormon couple's sexual pleasure

01/07/2007 - by Whoopieee

FIRST: Tell them they must wear hideous-looking long underwear "at all times". (What DOES "all times" mean anyway? Can't there even be temporary substitutions, like thongs, G-stings etc? If any member is unsure, however, they are perfectly free to ask for permission from their bishop/neighbor who lives just down the street and has had great professional training in all human matters.)

SECOND: Tell them that masturbation is wrong which eliminates a great deal of foreplay opportunities, non-penetration options, and many strange-looking sex toys.

THIRD: Tell them that they may use no "lewd language". In GA language that means "dirty talk" (Shouting out God's name too?).

FORTH: Insist that oral sex (and presumably anal sex) are taboo because they are not "natural".

FIFTH: Tell them that erotic stimulation from any pornographic source (written or visual) is forbidden (even reading the Song of Solomon to each other?).

SIXTH: Remind them that they will be interrogated regularly, and SEPARATELY, to see if one person's story matches the other. One party is also obligated to inform on the other at any time in between officially-scheduled interrogations.

SEVENTH: Warn them that even if they fail to "rat each other out" to the proper authorities, that GOD HIMSELF IS ALWAYS WATCHING THEM HAVE SEX! Thus their Eternal Salvation, the Celestial Kingdom, and their Forever-Family status will be at risk anyway (depending on God's explicit sex observations which He may, or may not, share with his Anointed Ones through their various deep "bosom burnings").

EIGHTH: If there's any wrongdoing discovered, there may be social humiliations that range from not being allowed to participate in family weddings and priesthood functions etc. to excommunication (at which time they must describe their sexual deviations in GREAT DETAIL to twelve VERY attentive men).

Other than that -- ENJOY!

Comment Section

I can assure you, Concerned mother, that the intentions of those 12 men are to help. I have made mistakes that sadly led me to meeting with my bishop. Never did I feel anything but love and support as he tried to help me through this troubling tribulation. It took almost everything out of me and hurt a lot of people in the process (my boyfriend, my parents upon realizing I was active, etc)but I assure you, ma'am, that it is worth ever tear I shed in his office. I am now fully worthy to take the sacrament and pay tithing and go to the temple. I have grown so much from his wisdom and I will forever be in debted to him for helping me get out of this dark place that I couldn't make my way around. Instead of praying for his escape, maybe you could try a different approach. Ask Heavenly Father sincerely even if it sounds crazy if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.

I wish you peace as you go through this. I can only sypathize with your pain and fear at having seemingly lost a son. Have faith. - 07/28/2008 - Megan

GROSSS, no one ever in my entire life has ever asked me anything to do with my sex life. EVER. IF i ever become a bishop, i would NEVER ask that question. thats between husband and wife. To hell with the rest. Why the hell would i want to know what you do with your wife?? THANK GOD my bishop never asks me that. - 03/18/2008 - LT

What church is this you are talking about? In the LDS church:

1. Yes, you can subsitute them at appropriate times (typically the bedroom rather than the beach!!)

2. Your foreplay is up to you

3. No one has ever asked me about my language in the bedroom

4. No one has ever asked me if I have oral sex

5. Don't really need this anyway, we create our own entertainment

6. In fact, in 25 years of temple recommend interviews I have never ever been asked about my sex life with my wife - and I don't expect to be

7. There is nothing to 'rat out'. If we feel something we do together is wrong, our repentance is a private matter

8. The 12 men you mention (I've been one of them) do not actually want to hear the detail. - 03/03/2008 - Mart

Cliff notes on Mormon sexuality:

"Sing a hymn, avoid spicy food, tie your hand to the bedpost, abstain, abstain, ABSTAIN before marriage, ten minutes after temple ceremony, hit the sheets and MAKE DEM BABIES!!!

But try not to think about it. - 10/08/2007 - Hap E. Hetetic

Thank God I wasn't raised a Mormon I think I would have hung myself with the magic underware - 10/07/2007 - Dave

My son was recently baptized into the Mormon church because he fell in love with a Mormon girl. They are planning to marry this month - but since I am not a worthy Mormon I cannot attend. It makes me so sad that this church will make sex seem like something that has to be controlled and reported on. This is disgusting and in my opinion only serves the deviant fantasies of the 12 men doing the interviewing (or was that interrogating!!)

I keep hoping and praying my son will see how evil this cult is and get out soon. - 04/16/2007 - Concerned mother

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