Specializing in "sealed", "hidden up", "revealed", "reformed" and "impossible to find" books, manuscripts, plates, tablets, papyrus fragments, genuine forgeries, paper back revelations, letters, news clippings, home movies, B movies, videos, CD's and pulp fiction. If we can't find it, we can fabricate it. Sorry, no credit cards accepted, only Kirtland Bank Notes or rubber checks.


Extremely Long LDS Books From Deseret Book

July 2015 - by people of Recovery From Mormonism and reddit.com/r/exmormon

"What Shall We Do Then, If The Dead Rise Not At All, Why Are We Then Baptized For The Dead?" - Plagiarism Unveiled Again In The Form Of Lists On Egyptian Scrolls Taken From The German Baptists Of Pennsylvania During The Mohawk Wars of 1880"; including including a special chapter on why The 12 half-baked Oxen are used as the resting place for the Mormon Temple Baptismal Fonts and why the contract for the plastic forming of the oxen goes to only the relatives of M. Russell Ballard, the consummate used-car salesman, with forward by renowned pedophile Boyder "My Balls Hurt" Packer, Jr., on how to see as much skin during youth baptisms in the temple by washing the girls' dresses too many times so the material becomes very thin. Published by Shayman and Shyster, NYC, 2015. Copyright pending. - kevinrex


"Apologists' Apocalypse Now - How to Convert Occam's Razor into a Gordian's Knot" - by Denial C. Peterson with screen play by Elder Francis Ford Crappola

"DIY Religion" by Joseph Smith with forward by The Masonic Lodge of Illinois.

"Faith Promoting Faux Pas In Public Relations - Those Damn Kooky Camera Angles" - inspired by Jeffery Holland, ghost written by Elder Bluster N. Jowls and Sister Ann Uther Dodo

"My Mind Is A Pretzel - Authorized Autobiography of Daniel C. Peterson - Inspired Version Unsealed Portion Two Thirds Longer Than The Uninspired Version So Far As Translated Correctly And Correlated Through Out The Councils, Quorums And Auxiliaries of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and The Congress of the United States of America as filibustered faithfully by Rand Paul, Harry Reid, Strom Thurmond, Huey Long and Alfonse D’Amato containing 2,439 single spaced pages with 5,936 pages of footnotes, annotations and references plus a complimentary CD-25 video pack of every presentation at FARMS and FAIR. Total reading, watching and listening in human hours = 329,423 which is approximately equal to the life-time hours you will spend in Mormon meeting assuming you live to 93.5 years, which coincidentally is the average of the modern prophets at the end of their mortality here upon this stage of the eternal progression. Note: If you are currently over 43.7 years of age do not order this book because it is not possible to finish it prior to your own death. Black Box Warning: Commencing this book prior to age 43.7 years of age or after the age of eight will cause premature gray hair, brain calcification, social isolation and in severe cases, spiritual petrification.

"Mormon Multi-level Marketing - For Beginners and Masters" by Elder Bull Schtick with a testimonial by Sheri Dude - CEO of Deseret Dikes, Dams and Demolition Company.

"The Hinckley Years Trilogy - Standing For Nothing - Stepping In Something - Backing Away From Everything" Edited by Elder Dallin 'Don't You Dare Apologize' Oaks with counsel of Kirton McConkie Attorneys At Law - cricket


"Paint by Numbers and Deuteronomy," Buoyed Packer's guide to touching up a framed canvas.

"Mormon Doctrine Yet to be Disavowed," Bruce R. McMonkey at a typewriter jabbing at keys randomly for as long as it takes to produce something intelligible enough to offend someone at some point.

"The Miracle of Forbearance," Spencer Pinball's insulting blame the victim diatribe written with the sole intention of testing the tolerance of church members for sexual abuse denial. - donbagley


Library of American Literature by Charles "Horny Joe" Dickems, Jr.

"Tales of Two Titties" (34 chapters)

"David Coppafeel" Gripping drama about the laying on of hands

"A Christmas Carol, Fanny, Lucinda, Louisa, Zina, Presendia, Agnes, Sylvia, Mary, Patty, Marinda, Elizabeth, Sarah, Delcena, Eliza, Sarah Ann, Martha, Ruth, Flora Ann, Emily, Eliza Maria, Almera, Lucy, Sarah, Maria, Helen Mar, Hanna, Elvira, Rhoda, Desdemona, Olive, Melissa, Nancy & Fanny" How to make your own over-the-top holiday cheer and turn Santa green with envy.

"Stickdick Papers" Answering the age-old question, 'Anyone know where's Joe's sausage at the moment?'

"The Adventures of Alloverher Twist" Kama Sutra for The Brethren - beyondashadow


"The Lies Told by Mormon Prophets - a History" - michael


"Yikes, Dykes!" by Sheri Dew. - deco


"The Complete and Unabridged List of Victims of MORMON Run MLM Scams" by Lethbridge Reprobate


"Commentaries on the Book of Zelph"

"The Annotated, Expanded Version of the Leather Plates, Second Witness to the Book of Mormon" by (Josh Anderson Junior College Publishers, seven volumes.) - sampsonAtard


"Mien Kampforter, How Satan Succored My Tortured Soul" by Brigham Dung

"Six Generations of White Lamanite Shummies: a Study Inspired By Our Dark and Delightsome Polygamous Great Great Grandmother" by authors unknown - Shummy


"All the Widows I Claim to Have Helped in Some Faith Promoting and Self-Aggrandizing Way" by Thomas Monson

"Far-Fetched Faith Promoting Rumors" collected from ward houses around the world

"Guide to Effective Ass Kissing for GA Wannabes" - could be written by any number of current GA's - Elwood


"What Used to Be True - The Long but True Stories of What Isn't True for Mormons Today" by Recharred Burningman

"50 Shames of Grey Areas - How to get Mormon victims to feel guilt for their own abuse" by Elder Recharged C. SCOTUS

"The Real Wives of Joseph Smith" by B. Fanny Moneymaker

"The Complete Alphabetical Listing of Mormons Who Donated to Proposition 8 and Their Highest Calling at the Time of Their Donation Who Donated at the Request of Their Leaders by Those Leaders

Mormons just call it the who's who of Mormonism. - Elder Berry

Extremely Short LDS Books From Deseret Book

July 2015 - by people of Recovery From Mormonism

"How to Gossip and Pretend You Didn't" by Professional Mormon Liars Club

Or more to the point:

"How to Gossip and Pretend you AREN'T"-

Step Number One: Start EACH sentence with: "I am just so VERY concerned about ___________. ( Fill in blank with whomever it is you intend to spread gossip about!)

"Secrets of the Little Factory" by Boyd K Packer

"The Book of Mormon Truly is a Nice Little Fairy Tale" by B.H. Roberts

"My Favorite 29 Wives" by Brigham Young

"The Joys of Lying" - General Authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

"Why God Keeps Changing His Mind" by Dallin Hoax

"Thank God There Were No STD's Back In My Day" by Emma Smith

"The Holy Toast, Revealer of Where You Last Left Your IPhone" by Richard G. Scotty

"How to Take Advantage of Your Unsuspecting, Trusting Mormon Neighbors in Business - Mormon Scam.com/" by Grant Affleck, CEO - anonyelle


"The Prophecies of Modern Prophets" Written by every LDS Church President since Brigham Young. Tommy Monson's chapter is mostly about shoveling walks for widows and changing missionary ages. Hinckley's chapter is a guide to PR for religious themed corporations and how to spend tithing money building a retail empire. - axeldc

Hinckley's wouldn't be short. - Elder Berry


"WALKING A TIGHTROPE: The Fine Art of Prevarication & Media Manipulation" by Gordon B. Hinckley - BeenThereDunnThatExMo


"The Miracle of Compassion" by Dallin Oaks - blueorchid


Laughing and farting at church

"How to Wind Friends and Inflatluence People" by Dallin Arsnaggie

which is a sequel to "Something's Rotten In Zion" by Elder A Heinus Aniss

which was inspired by "Airing Out Our Doctrine - The Evergasping Gospel" by Elder Lee Thalfume

For Dummies Series

"Latter-day Legalese for Dummies" - by Dallin H. Oaks with forward by Johnny Cochran "How to Play the Gay Card"

"Dumbing Down Doctrine For Dummies" - Thomas S. Monson with a testimonial by Alfred E Neuman

"Birdwatching Inside The Conference Center For Dummies" - by Jeffrey Dodo Holland - forward by Heber C. Gull

"General Authority Geri-hat-tricks For Dummies - Old Dogs Learning New Tricks" - by The Supreme Court Of The United States - forward by a Prop 8 Doner Boner

"All Those In Favor For Dummies"" - by The First Presidency with a forward by Sister Dee Sent and Sister Raiza N. Eyebrow

"How To Never Ever Apologize For Absolutely Anything Ever Again No Matter What For Dummies" - by Dallin H Oaks with a forward by the Utah Bar Association - cricket


"Doctrine Taught by Brigham Young That We Still Teach Today" - Part of Deseret Book's "Eternal, Unchanging Doctrine" series. - CrispingPin


"What God Has Said to the Prophets" by Warren Jeffs - Dave the Atheist


"A Less Perfect Union: How to Create a Confederate Family" by L. Tom Parry

"How to Avoid Martyrdom" by Joseph Smith Jr.

"How To Apologize" by Dallin H Oaks

"Gaining a Gloveless Testimony" by Kristen M Oaks

"How to Retire from The Twelve" by Richard C. Scott

"The Sealed Portion of The Book of Mormon" by God

"Dictionary of The Adamic Language" Edited and Compiled by Elohim's Prophets

"History of a Reliable Witness of The Book of Mormon" by I. C. Goldberg

"How to Sell Your Signs and Tokens" by Lucifer

"How to Dress for Temple Work" by E. B. White

"How to Ordain a Woman by Anonymous" - Elder Berry


"What God Looked Like" by Joseph Smith jr

"Compendium of 1st Vision Related Violences Against the Young Prophet, 1820 - 1826 by Palmyra Library Society

"Exhaustive list of church members and leaders who heard about anyone other than Moroni in the 1st vision prior to 1832" by CrackerJack decal - Elder What's-his-face


"Mormon Doctrine (revised edition)" by Anonymous

"South Pacific Cocktails" by Johnny Lingo

Tom Trail's Adventures as a Mormon Prophet by Tom Trails

My First Vision by Joey Smith (age 14)

"How I Turned White and Delightsome and So Can You" by Tom Trails - exmorphmon


"90 Years of Humour"--by Boyd K "Smiles" Packer - flanders


"How to understand the Endowment Ceremony" by N. Optimist

"Mormonism: It's About Family" by George Orwell

"Reasons To Think Brigham Young Had Nothing To Do With Mountain Meadow Massacre" by the best freakin apologists money can buy

"Flora and Fauna Accurately Described in the Book of Mormon" by Denial C Peterson

"How not to give away your identity while wearing a disguise" by Abinadi

"Women of the Book of Mormon" by Jus Joshin

"LDS doctrines that are found in the Book of Mormon" Jus Joshin

"Reliable Methods For Distinguishing The Spirit From Ordinary Emotions" by Bonneville Communucations Internal Training Manual.

"Treating Your Woman Like A Love Godess" by Mark E Peterson

"Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith: Chastity" by Fanny Alger

"Wanna Fool Around?" by Marie Osmond

"Unconditional Love" by Boyd K Packer

"What I *REALLY* Understand about Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball

"Skepticism--a guide to truth" by Bruce R. McConkie

"My Testimony of the Restoration" by Thomas S. Monson

"Direct Answers to Direct Questions - A Guide for Missionaries"

"A Clear Guide to What is Doctrine and What is not." by The Brethren

"D&C Volume 2: Prophetic Revelations 1900-2015" by The Lord

"Ich bin ein African" by Ezra Taft Benson

"Mormon Victories in the Great Science v. Religion Debate" an Edited Work

"Book of Mormon Evidences" (still just a proposed title; still searching for someone willing to write it) - Holy the Ghost

Hello! My name is Daniel Peterson! - AmIDarkNow?

I thought you might show up again. You've already been turned down for the position, you cheeky monkey. - Holy the Ghost


"Secrets to a Happy Marriage" by Brigham Young

"Revelations I've Received from the Lard" by Thomas Monson (and every other Mormon profit) - ificouldhietokolob


"Turkey Carcasses and Tampons: How You Can Make Trash into Trashy Crafts"

"Trashy Crafts II: Hoard those Empty Ice Cream Buckets!" by Sister Kurious Workmanship - Emmeritus Relief Society President

"Wisdom of the Prophets" by Various Authors

"Mormon Leaders of Colour" by that one dude they always focus on during General Conference - Itzpapalotl


"Faith-Promoting DNA Studies" by Ima Lamanite

"Bulimic Seagulls and Other Vomitous LDS Folklore" by U. Ben Had

"I Was Brian Williams Before Being Brian Williams Was Cool" by Paul Dunn

"The Numbers Don't Lie" by LDS Finance & Accounting Department - leftfield


"Staying Stuck in Gospel Teachings" by Brother and sister Ostrich

"How to Screw Up A Religion" by J.S. Faceinhat

"Banking 101" by Joseph Smith and friends

"How to remove tar and feathers" by Joe and Emma Smith - madalice


"When I Was NASA'S Favorite Astronaut" by Paul Dunn with forward by Senator Jake Garn

"Why You Should Not Be Offended Even If You Are Ugly" by Can't Stop Talking Members

"Coffee is Great" by I.M. Sanka - messygoop


"A List of Unbaptized Jewish Holocaust Victims" by Boyd K Packer - michael


"LDS Heroes of the Vietnam Conflict" by Elder Dee Ferment

"Mormon Ethics," an essay by Dallin H. Oaks

"Who's Who in Utah County" by Noah Body - Myron Donnerbalken


"Mission Memoirs" - by The First Presidency

"Fascinating Femininity" by Sherri Dew

"A Mormon Guide to Boundaries" by David Bednar

"The Not Even Twice Club" by Brigham Young

"Building Children's Self Esteem" by Boyd K. Pecker

"How To Translate Egyptian" by Joseph Smith

"Doctrinal Discourses of Thomas S. Monson" by Ghost Writer - NormaRae


"How to answer questions about Mormonism truthfully without looking like an idiot" by Robert Millet - rt


"The Virtues of Honesty" written as a collaborative effort by the Church Public Relations Department

"How to Scam Idiots Out of Prosperous Farms and Fortunes" by Joseph Smith

"How to Endure Marriage to an Unfaithful Spouse" by Emma Smith

"How to Have Your Corporation's University Immortalize You With a Building in Your Name", by Spencer W. Kimball, Gordon B. Hinckley, etc, etc. - raiku


"World Listing of Museum Exhibits and Auctions of Ancient Nephite Coins." by John Sorenson - sampsonAtard


"How I stood at history's crossroads and totally fucked it all up" -by the Lion of the Lard aka the Old Boss

"How I learned to detect forgery and fraud with a magnifying glass" By Spencer W Kimball: Forward by GB Hinckley - Shummy


"The Prophesies of Thomas S. Monson" by LDS Public Relations False Rumor Division - Soft Machine


"Mormon Businessman's Book of Ethics." by Bernard P Madoff - StillAnon


"Fifteen Creative Ways to Lie for the Lord" by LDS First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve

"How to Crawl Around the Book of Mormon" by Jeffrey R. Holland

"To all the Girls I've Loved Before" by Joseph Smith, Jr.
"The longer book is: To all the Girls and Other Men's Wives I've Loved Before" by Joseph Smith, Jr. - Templar


"How to Refrain from Gossip" cowritten by the ward bishop and Relief Society president. - Texas Sue

Each chapter discusses a sister in the ward, and the harm they caused be spreading gossip; then discusses who was harmed by the gossip and how. - Holy the Ghost


"What Mormons Really Teach Today" - by I. M. Honest

This book is contains all the truthful information the church provides in One simple blank page. A must read for any and all faithful LDS. Only $69.69. - themaster


"Confessions of a Perverted Mind" by Spencer W. Kimball

"Better Intellectual Thinking" by Boyd KKK Packer

"One Big Happy Family: How To Fully Accept Your LGBT Family Members" by Boyd KKK Packer

"Feminism Benefits Everyone" by Boyd KKK Packer - Tristan


"Supporting LDS Women in the Workplace" by Mitt "Pages of Them' Romney - Villager


Top Ten Upcoming Titles from Deseret Book

02/23/2010 - by substrate

10. Pay Your Tithing: Weathering the Economic Storm by Giving Generously to the Church

9. Offended Pickles: The Best of David Bednar

8. Worn-out Kneepads: Reflections on My Association with Gordon B. Hinckley, by Sheri Dew

7. Uplifting Truth: A (Very) Brief History of the Church, by Boyd K. Packer

6. Building Better Shelves: Dealing with Doubt in the 21st Century, by Mark Esh

5. Your Tithing Dollars at Work: A Photo History of the City Creek Mall

4. Better Than a Tanning Bed: Living by the Light of the Spirit, by Dieter Uchtdorf

3. Who Are You Calling a Bigot? Defending Marriage Against Degenerates in California

2. I Don't Know that We Teach It: The Inspired Counsel of President Gordon B. Hinckley

1. Of Widows and Parakeets: The Art of Humble Self-Congratulation, by Thomas S. Monson

A few more titles coming out soon

Organizational Behavior and the Practice of Factory Management by BK Packer - Benjiman Luther

Bishops Notes: a detailed history of the sex lives of mormon teen girls - 6 iron

The Four Tapirmen of Revelation by John Tveinapenis (questioning rides a white tapir; boredom a red tapir; fake facts a black tapir; vagueness a pale tapir)

The Miracle of Forgetfulness - Isn't it Marvelous by Gordon B. Hinckley - Postdumb

No Man Knows My Twist Story - Shummy

One Man Knows My Tristory by Fanny Alger - cricket

2,000 Of My Most Faith-Promoting Real-Life Experiences, by Paul H. Dunn. - flattopSF

Top ten possible titles for Gordon B Hinckley's next book

by Tal Bachman - 01/16/2007

10.) "Some Friends of Mammon They Were: How Not Even Paying Millions To A New York Public Relations Firms Could Help Sell Our Fraudulent Cult"

9.) "Backbone, Conscience, and Other Over-rated Things"

8.) "The Creator of the Universe Has Told Me How Many Earrings You Should Wear"

7.) "The Art of Public Lying: A Primer"

6.) "For and In Behalf of Niccolo Machiavelli: How I Survived 75 Years In Mormon Bureaucracy and Leadership and Came Out on Top"

5.) "The Idiot's Guide to Isolating and Neutralizing Packer"

4.) "How I Singlehandedly Destroyed the Momentum We Had Under Benson and Helped Start Mormonism On The Long Slide To Regional Rump-Sect-dom"

3.) "Serial Killers I Have Known (and Done Business With)"

2.) "A Visual Guide to All the Multi-Million Dollar Monuments I've Built to Myself Over the Past Decade While Many Of Our Members Are Going To Bed Hungry"

1.) "Depends On What We Mean By 'True'"

More possible titles for Gordon B Hinckley's next book

by others from Recovery from Mormomism - 01/16/2007

"Way to Be a Wrinkly Old Bastard!" - munchybotaz

"Little Fleck of History" - Stray Mutt

"The Idiot's Guide to Being Prophet" - T-bone

"The Man with No Earrings - a Sad Christmas Story" - Fallible

"Doing the Dew: A Prophet's Guide to Overcoming Impotence" - KimberlyAnn

"The Lord Needed A Prophet, But HE Got Me Instead" - Primus

"How to lie and cheat your way to being perceived as being worthy and able to receiving revelations from God" - Cats

"My climb up the Mormon Corporation's ladder" - Cats

"King Mall Rat" - Skunk Puppet

Still more possible titles for Gordon B Hinckley's next book

by scarecrowfromoz - 01/16/2007

10. Life Is Like A Couplet.

9. I Don't Know That We Teach That.

8. How I Brown-nosed My Way To The Top.

7. How To Lose Members And Influence No One.

6. Spending 8 Million Dollars of Tithing a Day Made Easy.

5. Hiding Income From The IRS--A Guide To Non-profit Organizations On How To Do It.

4. Sunday Mornings With Gordy-My Most Memorable Talks With Joseph - I Mean Jesus!

3. Frauds and Forgeries--How To Detect Them From An Expert.

2. You Too Can Run A Large Corporation---A Beginner's Guide To Leading A Cult

1. Preparing For Immortality AND ETERNAL LIFE-How To Get Your Name On As Many Things As Possible before you're dead.

Top shortest Mormon books

05/04/2006 - substrate and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Contemporary Evidence for the First Vision

The Joy of Sex, by Boyd K. Packer

Accepting Your Gay Child, by Spencer W. Kimball

Fundamentals of Science, by Joseph Fielding Smith

Promoting Racial Harmony, by Brigham Young

True Stories from the Life of Paul Dunn

The Questioning Mind, by Thomas Monson

What I Don't Know, by Bruce R. McConkie

Hot Monogamy, by Joseph Smith

Straight Answers from President Hinckley

Dabbling in the Flesh Trade or How I Pimped My Daughter by Heber C. Kimball - by nomorelies

The Passion Party Planner - By Sheri Dew - by dick

The Wit and Wisdom of Karl Marx - by Ezra Taft Benson - by ETB

The Miracle Diet by Thomas Monson - by Skeptical

DNA Proof of the Book of Mormon by Daniel Peterson - by nomorelies

Short Sensible Sermons, Second Scroll by Neal A Maxwell

The Osmonds' Contributions to Pop Music - by Madonna - by Randy J.

An Ancient American Setting for Krispy Kreme Donuts: Glazed or Sprinkled? - by Daniel C. Peterson, with a forward by Thomas S. Monson

Where your tithing money goes - by Bishop Burton - by Cats

Men who know my history - by Joseph Smith by hank

The Sensitive Man's Guide to Romance - by Brigham Young - by Jack

The Warm Sensitivity of Steve Benson (A Blank Book for Scribblers) - by American Atheists Publishing House

Short Posts: In 10,000 Words or Less - by Bob McCue

Catholic Truths - by Bruce R. McConkie.

Logic" - by Martin Harris - by hank

Fair Play at LDS Pinewood Derbys by Bishop Wilford Harker

Apologetics Without Condescension by DCP and Juliann - by Mister Scratch

Brokeback Mountain - The Sequel by Boyd "Bottomguy" Packer

Family Value's - In-Room Movie Guide by J.W. Marriott, Jr

Where I'd Be if My Name Were Schwartz - by Joseph Fielding McConkie

How the truest church is like a stone rolling over the earth by Vaughn J. Featherstone - by Cats

All the Latter-day Saint Truth at Wikipedia - by Visorstuff

Stand For Something by Gordon B. Hinckley - by wcg

The doctrine behind polygamy - by ANY GA - by Cats

Traditional Folk Music for Sacrament Meeting - by Janice Kapp Perry by Deenie, the dreaded single adult

The Power of Discernment by Mark Hofmann - by NumLock

Mick Jagger's Conversion Story by Elder Gene R. Cook

Women's Rights by Heber C. Kimball

How to Increase Factory Production by Boyd K. Packer

A Coffeetable picture book (no pun intended) Swords, Breastplates, and Helmets: Pictures of Actual Weapons of War Hill from Cumorah Ancient History Museum - by Bonnie

The Virtue of the Unpaid Ministry; or Why Clergy Should Avoid the Evils of Commerce and Finance by Joseph F. Smith (Have you ever seen this guy's congressional testimony? Amazing. He was chairman of the board or owner of a huge number of corporate entities.)

Global Economics by James E. Faust

Extra Innings, True Baseball Stories by Paul H. Dunn

Yes, We Teach That by Gordon B. Hinckley - by Protestant Daughter

Modern Apostle Personal Priesthood Interviews with Jesus Christ by General Authority Ghost Writers, Inc.

Boyd K Packer Fan Club - 30 Years and Still Only One Member, Me - by Boyd K Packer

Mormon Doctrine for the New Millennium - Bruce R McConkie, Jr.

Holocaust Victim Conversion Stories From Behind the Mormon Temple Veil - by Mordecai Moriancomr

Living Without Guilt and Shame - by substrate

How and why Mormon widowers/divorcees can be Spiritual Polygamists" By the remarrying apostles - by Cats

What the Missionaries Told me about the Curse of Cain - by Glady Knight by dick

How to Comfort a Rape Victim - by Spencer W. Kimball

Darkies are Wonderful People - by Joseph Fielding Smith

Ferrous Metal Content of Ancient Central American Swords - FARMS Publication, no. 88

Let Every Negro Drive a Cadillac if They Could Afford it" by Mark E. Petersen

Mormon Intermarriage - by Mark E. Petersen

Art Appreciation: Rodin Sculpture by Merrill J. Bateman

Encouraging Free Speech on College Campuses by Ernest L. Wilkinson

Tapir riding and other ancient American activities - by Daniel C. Peterson

Forgiven at Last: How I Found Bigfoot by Spencer W Kimball

Keeping the Sabaath Day Holy by Steve Young

Using Your Family Buisiness to Spread the Gospel by Example by the Marriott Family


"How To Find Elohim Using Prayer" by A. Pauling

"How To Profit By Being A Prophet by Rip Offerman

"How To Be A Successful Missionary" by Golden Conn

"How To Get To Heaven" by Celestial Crapo

"How To Prepare Your Children For Baptism" by Yul Shirley Drown

"What To Tell Your Child About St. Nick" by P. Oniki

"Archeological Evidence For The Book of Mormon" by I. Ly

"Polygamy In Early Mormonism" by Joe Fuchs Herem

"Brigham Young's Doctrine Of Blood Atonement" by Les Killam

"Dating Tips For Teenage Mormon Boys" by C. Dick Rize

Receive a 10% Surcharge if you buy all ten! - Junior Manager, Deserted Bookstore - 06/05/2005

Book of Mormon Lands & Other Fictional Places - Magellan - 02/12/2005 - anon

Sequel to "100 Ways to cook Hamburger". Now learn 100 ways to hide your Pepsi or Coke can. Lest the Bishop catch you drinking caffeine. - 12/17/2004 - anon

Walking A Tight Rope; The Fine Art Of Prevarication...By Gordon B. Hinckley

The Life & Times of GBH, One of America's Greatest Character Actors; An autobiography

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Your Little Factory But Were Afraid To Ask...By Boyd K. Packer

Lying As A Way Of Life, Personal Stories of The Quorum Of The 12 Apostles (Also Published as, Would You Do Business With Any One Of These Swindlers?

Joseph! Joseph! Forgive Them For They Know Not What They Do! Personal Stories of Mormons Who Finally Grew A Brain And Left Mormonism

Telling The Truth For Dummies; A Companion Guide For All of The "General Authorities" of The Mormon Church

Researching Testicular Implants For The Lying Quorum Of The 12 Eunuchs

You Can't Handle The Truth!!! A Guide For Ignorant TBM's

How To Discipline & Deal With The "General Authorities" In Your Life Who Are Congenital Liars.

Hook, Line & Sinker; Drinking Kool-Aid The TBM Way - 10/23/2004 - by BeenThereDoneThatExMo

Meditations for Healing Your Inner Bigot by Bernie S. Siegel as demonstrated upon Boyd K Packer

Cannery Row and the Grapes of Wrath - Forced labor at the Bishop's Storehouse by Elder John Steinbeck

The Executioner's Song - Faith promoting musical arrangements for those Blood Atonement services by by Elder Mormon Mailer

The Bonfire of the Vanities - Bosom burning babblings for youth firesides by Elder Tom Wolfe-in-sheep-clothing

Gone with the Wind - How to survive lethal hot air and flatulance during General Conference by Frank Lee Idontgivadam and Elder Dee Pends

Secrets : On the Ethics of Concealment and Revelation by SISSELA BOK (I can't believe this one is for real. Click the link if you don't believe me.) - cricket

Death Where is Thy Sting by The Three Nephites.

War is Hell...The Autobiography of Paul H. Dunn by Earnest L. Eyre

Zions Negroes by Spencer W. Kimball

The Wiggling of Salamanders by Gordon B. Hinckley

Cornered By Inspiration by Mark Hoffman

Temple Building for Dummies by Gordon B. Hinckley

Stud to the Choir by Spence Kinnard - by what

Blacks and the LDS Church, hardback, illustrated, 5 pages long - by tito sanchez

Correction: that title would be The Li(f)e(s) and Times of Gordon B. Hinckley by around

The Creature On The Moon - Brigham Young

How to Corral a Young Heifer - Heber J. Grant

Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money - T.I. Thing

The WorldWide Church - M.O. Corridor

How to Succeed Beyond Your Wildest Dreams - Joseph Smith

Propoganda 101 - F.F. Arms

The Psychology of Fear - Boyd K. Packer by what

How to Dunk Meat Into Milk and Still Want to Swallow It...by T. Monson

My Sister Wife is My Best Friend and My Mom...by Ima Kingston.

Priesthood/Shmriesthood...by Sister D'Orr Matt

I'm Rich, I'm Blessed, You're Not (Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah)...by A. Postle

Joseph Loves Me, Yes He Does...by Fanny Alger

GIVE! Said the Bishop's Scream...by GBH God's Banker Hinkley

How to Spy On Friends and Destroy People...by Boyd K. Packer - by Friend of a Friend

Strategic Charity

How to deal with God's less-chosen without interrupting your cash flow, by Severn T "Ty" Coons by conformist

How to Discipline and Deal with the Q of 12, etcetera - by Hokum Smokum

Bring on the Clowns by Jenny Con France

Tommy's Little Factory, Expose From an Insider - Written under the pseudonym "BKP"

How To Discipline a Quorum by Shane N. Whip

Understanding The Word of Wisdom - Cal S. Terrol

The Miracle of Forgetfulness, A Primer on Dealing With the Common Members - Gordon B. Hinckley

Exponential Church Growth In Japan by Itsa Sakashita

Being A "Servant" of The Lord, The Church in Africa - Instruction Manual for Apostles - by Not Really

Make Cognitive Dissonance Work for YOU! A compilation of essays from FARMS' best scholars. - by Randy J.

Gone with the Wind - How to survive lethal hot air and flatulance during General Conference by Frank Lee Idontgivadam and Elder Dee Pends - by cricket

A book with a longer Title than a text, "How to Resolve Every Problem of Mormonism"...." It's a fraud - by BOE

"Negroes Are Almost People Too, I guess. : A Guide For The Elderly Saint

"Hot Soup Coming Through! : A Teenager's Guide To Guilting Over Nocturnal Emissions"

"The Reality Based Community Is From Mars. The Faith Based Community is From Kolob."

"We're An Empire Now, And When We Act, We Create Our Own Reality. : A Political Mantra Applied To A Good Saint's Life" - by Zardoz

You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog...Emma Smith by Smith Family Reunion

Autobiography of a True And "Most Correct" Prophet , 1990 Edition - Ezra "Daft" Benson with ghostwriter GBH by True Believer

The Law of Consecration, A Covenant For Suckers...by...I.M Pist - by Yup

God Fellas by O.P. Rockwell

Book of Utah Pioneer Surnames by Al Tenuvem

Growing the Church in the African Nations by Wight Andy Lightsome

Effective Courts of Love by U.R. Dunn

Church Handbook of Approved Activities for the Wife of a Missionary - Joseph Smith

Loving the Lamanite Generation - George P. Lee

Damming the Evidentiary Flow by F. Arms

The Dumbing of the Membership by F. Ayre

Being Afraid, Being Very Afraid by Peter Danielson

Useless Busywork by N. Dow Mentz - by Somemore

The United Order: What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. by Lurker

The God of This World by Beelzebubs Laughter HAHAHAHA

The cruelest one of all... A book whose central thesis has now been totally disprovn by every iota of zoological, geographical, linguistic, geologic, anthropological, archaeological, metallurgical, genetic, botanical, cartographic, and historical evidence (as if inductive reasoning wasn't enough), to the point where it is not possible to imagine ANY book's claims being more discredited, and whose putative "translator" is conceded even by church defenders to be an unreliable source of information about himself (his Clintonian lies about "polygamy", admitted as such by the church, alone are enough to establish this), but which is still being defended by the church he founded as......a literal history book.

No parody will ever match that one. - by Tal Bachman

Your feeble flailing attempts to lessen my power over my minions fall on deaf ears in MY WORLD...HAHAHAHA by Beelzebubs Laughter

Standing in Something

Standing in Something II (It's Getting Deeper)

Standing in Something III (Deeper and Smellier)

And then who could forget "The Miracle of a Guilt Fetish", the definitive work by Spencer W. Kimball?

If you're like me, you also probably relied heavily on Bruce R. McConkie's seminal work "McConkie Doctrine" as a source for filler quotes in countless Sacrament Mtg. talks.

Another fine work by McConkie is "Mormon Doctrine: The Authoritative Guide to Doctrines that May Not Be Doctrinal, Unless They Are, But Do Not Expect Any General Authorities to Commit to Anything." - - by Perry Noid

Elemental Electronics by The Brother of Jared

Lying Liars and How to Believe Them by B.Y. Grad

The Fools Vacuous Storybook by Tommy S. Monson

American Indian Origins by Leigh M. Knight

Eight Years In The Desert by Lee A. Hona

Submarine Construction Techniques by Reeva Lashun

Child Psychology of Blind Obedience - M.O. Parent - by HereYaGo...

Dementia Amongst The Quorum Of The 12; A Case Study

Mommy Why Does Grandpa Lie? You Spank Me When I Lie; A Compendium Of Thoughts And Short Stories From The Children And Grandchildren Of General Authorities

Me, MyZelph And I; Discovering Your Inner Zelph

Dealing With And Disciplining Your 85 Year-Old Child For Lying

Self-Important Senior Citizens Who Should Know Better

If You Don't Have Sex With Me Right Now An Angel Of The Lord Will Kill Me With A Flaming Sword; And Other Original Pick-Up Lines For The Lonely Priesthood Holder - by MeMyZelph&I

200 Weddings and a Disfellowship by Mathias Cowley

Father of the Brides by Heber C. Kimball

Seven Facets of a Highly Defective Religion by Steven Loveydovey

Star Bores- Return to General Conference by Spencer Woolley Yoda

The Book of Mormion by Sir Walter Scotland

What I Admire about Briggie by Bill Clinton

Fanny's Burning Bush by Joe Smith

Farewell to FARMS by Deconstructor - 07/30/2004 - from Activejackmormon

Hinckley on Baptism for the Dead

Didn't Hinckley write a book about this? "Standing For Nothing" - 04/17/2004 - BornUnderPunches

No, I'm sure the title of the book was, "Stepping in Something" - JohnnyRansom

I thought it was "Back Away From Everything" - Just A Couplet

Possible Names for James Bond Movies if Ian Fleming was Mormom

Dr. Smith
From Utah With Love
Pologamy Is Forever
Utah Is Not Enough
Die Another Blood Atonement
The Polygamist Who Loved Me
Never Say Never To The "Prophet" Again
The Man With the Golden Glasses
License To Marry (Again!!)
For The Temple Only
View To A Blood Atonement - 02/01/2004 - from Dave

No One Knows Their Testimony or No Man Knows My Testimony - by Fawn "Burning Bosom" Brodie - 08/20/2003 - from Warm Fuzzy Wuzzy

So You Want to Be a Boy Scout, The True Story of the Hinckley Youth Campaign.- A Hitler

Mormonism, A Pattern for Nazism. - A. Hitler - 07/28/2003 - from dafushpu

1) Deseret Book has a new title:

Harry Prophecy and the Order of the Salamander


"I'm A GA. Get Me out of Here!"
"Date My Relief Society President" (please)
"Yu-Joe-Mo" While working on his B.S. degree in "money-digging", young Joe mysteriously receives the "Mo-lennium Plates"

3) Utah License Plate seen in Hildale

"DNC 132" - 03/26/2003 - Brigham Smith

Gordilocks and the Three Nephites

Joe and the Conference Talk

Hands on and Greet All - 01/18/2003 - anon

Mormon Zionetics - techniques for feeling free in a totalitarian paradise. - 02/10/2010 - by 3X

Lord of the (CTR) Rings - JRR Tithien

Indiana Nibley and the Temple of Nephi (film tie in)

The Legend of Sleepy Joseph - Wasatch Irving

The Utahn Chronicles

Temple Height 451 - Pray Bradbury

Gone with the Wind - Mogret Mitchell (116 pages still missing) - 11/02/2002 - from Littery Tear-u-wrist

Zion Grey: "Code of the Intermountain West" - 09/07/2002 - Brigham Smith

Zion Grey - Riders Of The Polygamous Sage - 08/11/2002 - BrighamSmith

All Quiet on the Wasatch Front

Little Women (lots of 'em)

Men are from Mars, Women are irrelevant - 06/06/2002 - from Littery Tear-rurist

Polygamous Rider Haggard -
King Moroni's Mines
She, She, She, She, She and She (and her)

Joseph Fielding Burroughs -
Brigham, Lord of the Apes
A Princess of Kolob

Robert Louis Sorenson -
Dr Joseph and Mr Brigham

Josiah Verne -
Around the States With 80 Wives
Journey to the Center of the Rockies
12 Million Liars Under the SLC - 05/20/2002 - from Littery Tear-rurist

"How to get rich by starting your own religion" by Joseph Smith.

"Pardon me, but do you have a much younger sister?" (Chat up lines for a modern prophet) By Joseph Smith.

"Did I Say THAT?" (How to hide lies to the public when addressing the faithful) by Gordon B. Hinckley.

"Did You know I am a farmer?" (Using bullshit to get through an interview) by Gordon B. Hinckley.

Truths Through Great Mormon Lives. Series by Wannabee A. Seventy.

1) Faithfulness in marriage Joseph Smith

2) Racial Harmony by Brigham Young

3) Toward a greater level of Theological knowledge by Gordon B. Hinkley

4) Always question your orders. By Bishop Lee, late adopted son of Brigham Young. - 03/01/2002 - by Matt


So You Want to Be a Boy Scout, The True Story of the Hinckley Youth Campaign.- A Hitler

Mormonism, A Pattern for Nazism. - A. Hitler

General Conference and Other Studies in Hypnotism - B.K. Paquer, Faquer of God - 02/18/2002 - by Mac

Submissions from Littery Tear-rurist


Charles Thickends
Bleak Temple
Great Exploitations
Hard Times
Oliver Twisted (Story of Cowdery)
Tale of Three Witnesses
The Lost Quick Papers (mystery of 116 pages)

William Fakespear-
Joseph the III - the hunchback monster who founded the RLDS
The Merry Wives of Brigham
Much ado about nothing Special
As you fake it
All's swell that starts Hell
A Varmint of Vermont
Pleasure for Pleasure
Love Neighbor's Lost

Hermounts Melville -
Briggy's Dick or the White Male


The Tell Tale Handcart - Edgar Allen Mo - 11/04/2001 - anon

Selections by Elder Conan Doyle

10/26/2001 - anon

Sherlocke HomeTaught, Chief Investigator for the†Church Court, who lives at 221-B Temple Street, and is most famous for the quote "Primary, Bishop Watson. Primary."

"A Study in Garments"
†"The Hound of the Bonneville"
†"The Ten-Percent Solution"


"Pearl Necklace" of Great Price - Formerly devout LDS girl learns the penalty for engaging in oral sex. - 10/26/2001 - anon

How to Justify the Book of Mormon With Circular Reasoning, by Void K. Mazutra ( Bro. of Void K. Packer) - 10/21/2001 - anon

No Man Knows My Doctrine - Gordon B. Hinckley - 10/10/2001 - from Nephihaha

When Bad Things Happen To Good People - how a convert was hunted down, bagged up and hauled in - LeGrandiose Richards - 09/30 2001 - J of recovery bulletin board

How to make girlfriends and influence other people's wives - Joseph Smith - 09/30/2001 - Littery Tearurist

Macchiavelli for the General Authority - Internal Report of the LDS - 09/30/2001 - Littery Tearurist

Baptizing Black People without getting your hands dirty - Missionary Training Center manual - 09/30/2001 - Littery Tearurist

Blind and Prejudiced - Jane Austere (Relief Society) - 09/30/2001 - Littery Tearurist

Advancing Religion By Playing The Race Card - Johnny Cochran and Bigot Young - 09/29/2001 - anon

Danite Airline Pilots Instruction Manual - Opossum Brigham Laden - 09/29/2001 - Salmon Rushdie

Secret Combinations, Tokens and Handshakes - How to infiltrate cults - Gaddy Anton and J. Edgar Packer - 09/28/2001 - anon

On a Wing and a Scare - Piloting by force - Salami B. Floggin - 09/27/2001 - George Bush, Sr.

The C.I.A My Way Or No Way - Boyd "AK47" Packer - 09/27/2001 - Charlton Heston

Faith Preceeds The Miracle And The Funeral - by L. Tom Plantem - 08/11/2001 - Blash

With God All Things Are Possible -If He Is Not On Sabatical - by Parley Pee Splat

What's For Dinner? Simple Menues Used By The Pioneers On Donner Pass by Shirley A. Morsel

The Key To Converting Plankton - They Want The Trooth Too - by Elder S. Mallbrain

Angels On The Windshield - Humorous Stories of Dead Celestial Beings - by Jim H. Christ

Jesus And The Fake Nail Joke - The Untold Story - by U. B. Fooled

07/19/2001 - submitted by Jennifer Young

Almost Doctrine By Joseph Young†

05/20/2001 - Mac

Try your skill as a battle axe of the Lord...a Lamanite Adventure - P.T. Brigham

If At First You Don't Succeed...Baptize Them After They Are Dead...Foul Assay, of the Quarum of the Twelve Apostates - P.T. Brigham

My Life in Outer Darkness - Prophet of the People - Young

Brigham Young, A Modern Day Herrod The Great - Mac

The Doctoring Covenants - Brigum Young

How to Succeed at Missionary Work Without Even Lying - Feed M. Milk

Journal of Missed-Courses - Brigham (Quakers on the Moon) Young

A Fool is Bread Every Minute - P.T. Brigham

05/17/2001 - anon
Smith's Mythology (especially revised edition)

09/28/2000 - anon
Book of Morons By Joe"Marry Me Girls" Smith

06/21/2000 - anon
The Book of Mormon; The most CORRECTED book on earth!

05/05/2000 - anon
"Mythology of The Church"
"Distortioning of The Church"

03/23/2000 - anon
The OverSeer by Orson Pratt
Faux Pearl of Price

03/16/2000 - cricket
The Road Less Graveled - by Scott O'Heck - The shocking stories of Mormon pioneers who came to their senses while trudging towards Zion, turned back and resumed normal lives in the Eastern United States.

I'm Not OK, But You're Even Less OK - by Elder Loose M. McScrewsky - How to succeed at missionary work without really trying by pretending humility as you brainwash your golden contacts.

No Man Knows My Dickstory - by Fondle Brody (The life and times of Joseph's penis -- while he was busy restoring the Gospel to the face of the earth, the Stick of Joseph was busy multiplying and replenishing the earth)

Doctor Inns and Coven Ants by Brother Charles Kuralt - (The Witches Guide to Healthcare Hostels and Picnic Pests in Utah)

03/19/2000 - anon
Doctrines of Covetousness

03/15/2000 - anon
Men Are From Mars, Women Are For Penis by Brother Pelvis Pressmeeh - Secret fantasies and confessions of a retired veil worker on how he got the very most out of the "Five points of fellowship".

03/05/2000 - Brigham Smith
Mormon Doctrine*, by P.T.Barnum
*Also known as "Barnum's Big Book of Theology"

02/27/2000 Brigham Smith
"Journal of Miscourses"

"Pearl of Inflated-Price"

Moron Doctrine by Bruce R. McKooky - 09/06/1999 - Brigham Smith

Seven Wives for Two Brothers - video from Bunnyville Productions. Described by a D-news critic as "an old fashioned feel good movie! Whole and Delightsome family entertainment! Four trumpets!" -08/31/99 - Brigham Smith

Paint Your (Station) Wagon - video from Bunnyville Productions. The faith inspiring story of a family's many years of sacrifices for "THE" Church. - 08/31/1999 - Brigham Smith

Twister '99' - video from Eubank Productions. A rival critic says it could have been better. The best (and last) line of the picture is when some guy in a nearby 28 story building named Boyd says, "Nah-Nah! Missed me by a quarter mile! He then appears to moon the toronado but all I saw was a blinding light. - 08/31/1999 - Brigham Smith

Chief Many-Wives - video by Hermanos Brothers Productions. The true story of the first Lamanite convert to the LDS Church. - 08/31/1999 - Brigham Smith

A Marvelous Jerk and an Blunder by LeGrand Retards - randy j

Droppin's of Salivation by Joseph Feelin' Spit - randy j

Dummies Guide to the Endowment - How to survive without being slashed, cursed, lubricated, gripped, squeezed or bored to death. by Sister and Elder Dilly and Dally Oaks - anon

Holy Goats, Cows and Ghosts - Ranching in Zion by Elder Theodore "Casper" Turdhill - anon

Making Millions In Zion The Consecrated Way - by Elder Wade $. Cook, Chief Finesse Officer of Bye-gones Bancorporation - anon

Man's Grope For Happiness - An LDS guide to spiritual and sexual ectasy by Elder Steve V. Wonder and Sister Helen C. Keller - anon

Sexual Connotations in Ancient Egyptian Papyrii by Huge Nippley - randy j

Tantra and Testimony - Making love during fast and testimony meeting without the Bishop or your nine children noticing and how to gain an even deeper and abiding satisfaction from singing "Come, Come Ye Saints" by Deepocket Chopra and Goldie Hahns Mill - anon

The Doctorin' of the Contradictions, published by the LSD Church - randy j

Comment Section

What a waste of time, lol. - 12/08/2009 - unknown

How to provoke the Wrath of God published by desperatebook - 12/12/2008 - UNoWho

It is so sad to see such time wasted on trying to destroy instead of build...oh the frustration it must cause you to see us grow - 10/10/2007 - anon


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