Mormon Schtick

Mormon Schtick - The Salamander Society

CTR - Acronyms for the Latter-day Lord of the Rings

Curious Workmanship - T-shirts, license plates and bumper stickers of Mormonia

Desperate Bookstore - Pulp fiction for the faithful

Latter-day Landfill - Latter-day Slap-schtick heading for the dump

Two Year Supply - Alternative items to hide under the bed


Mormon Crayon Colors

by mr peabody and others- 04/15/2009

Mormon Crayon Colors. Celestial White, Blood Oath Red, Offering Green

Lying for the Lord - Lemon yellow

I know the COJCOLDS is twoo - Turn my stomach grey

Polygamy - Purple

Bishop - Blue (in the face for yelling at how unworthy you are) by poipul

White and delightsome, Fig leaf apron green, Underarm garment yellow, High Priest hair grey Beehive hairdoo blonde, Painted church cinderblock cream - by 6 iron

Royal Priesthood Blue, Frumpy Returned Sister Missionary Brown, Curse of Cain Black - by Serendipity

GA-vomit green/yellow for all the lies they spew - by SilkRose

nose brown - by Mormon Observer

Lamanite project tan - by Gullible's Travel's

Sepulchre White - by Lovechild

Delightsome White - by Shrek's Sister

Blood Atonement Red, Temple Apron Green - by Easy Rider

Sinful Brown, Cursed Black - by Stray Mutt

Laban's lopped off head crimson red - by Nephi

Little Factory Smokestack Cream - by Boyd K Packer

Fanny Alger's Cherry Red - by Joseph Smith

Fool's Gold - by Angel Moroni and The Book of Mormon

Ten Percent Gross Income Silver - by Tithing Slip

Balls Blue - by BYU men every weekend

Gold and Green Ball - by M-Men and Golden Gleaners

Frosty White - by frozen pioneer children

Awful Amber - by rancid consecrated olive oil

Spent the evening in Deseret Book - Observations

04/15/2009 - by Washed and Disappointed

I took my daughter to a book signing at Deseret Book last night for one of her favorite fantasy (non-religious) authors. It was a two-hour wait for us, and I killed the time by reading and making shallow observations:

1- I read a couple of chapters of "Shaken Faith Syndrome". The author repeatedly uses a classic "bait and switch" technique. He takes a small slice of a big argument, argues why that small slice is not correct, then represents that he has thus destroyed the big argument. The book is obviously written to a TBM crowd who has only grazed the surface of real LDS history, but is not willing to completely expose themselves to the truth. It would make them just uncomfortable enough to pretend they had looked at all sides of the argument.

2- How much money are the GAs making off their books, pictures and other "fan" regalia? Unpaid clergy.....right.

3- I could not find a dictionary in the entire store. A bookstore with no dictionary? There is something symbolic in that.

4- They had a "coffee bar" with no coffee. They served up countless sugary goodies that will make me fat, but no coffee. Something symbolic in that attempt at normalcy.

5- An amazing number of garment-exposing, low-hung jeans and tight shirts from the "enhanced" young LDS mothers in the crowd.

It's fun to temporarily go back into that world from time to time. It's like an anthropologist discovering a primitive culture.

A couple of points regarding Deseret Book - by Crathes

1. Most GAs have ghost writers. The GA provides the topic, thesis, outline, etc. and the ghost write provides the bulk. The ghost write will review talks the GA has given to provide a flavor and tone. The draft then goes back to the GA for edit and adding of some personal stories. Ghost writers are never mentioned, but sometimes are noted as editor. Lower level GAs often write their own books, but with substantial input and support from editors.

2. The topics are typically a rehash of old stuff. Note BKPs "Mine Errand from the Lord". Just old talks published together, AND HE GETS PAID FOR THIS!!! Most books are just more "how to go through the motions", while only a few may actually contain any meat or actual thought.

3. Deseret Book is a money loser, for the reasons you note. Small market, small book runs. Books are quickly marked down to get them out the door. High profile GA books receive substantial (read 'expensive') marketing via various media outlets, especially at conference time. Even when the book is marked down, the "author" gets paid.

4. You now see product "tie ins" For example, in Oct 2008 GC, Uchtdorf told the inspirint and heroic story of John Row Moyle, who was a stone mason for the Salt Lake temple. Less than two months later, a movie was released of his life. I doubt that anyone could research, write, cast, shoot, edit and publish a movie that quickly. Obviously, the story was planted.

So, Deseret Book is a money loser, subsidized by other Mormon for profit ventures, used as an outlet to subsidize GA's wallets. Do you feel the guilt? Buy a damn book!!

White Salamander Handcraft Pattern

by Astrobolism - 12/25/2008

White Salamander Placemat.

Knit a placemat with a hidden white salamander. This is sure to be a hit at the next Mormon family reunion.

I'm a refugee from Utah. While my immediate family was not Mormon, my extended family could be poster children for the Mormon church.

With Pioneer Days just past, I offer this White Salamander Placemat Handcraft Pattern. (click link for instructions and details)

This is a pattern for knitting a white salamander. But it's a SPECIAL (or peculiar?) salamander. The salamander can only be seen from the right perspective. One might wonder if a similar skewed perspective is required to believe the Golden Plates story.

I digress.

This is an example of illusion or shadow knitting. When viewed from the front, this appears to be a simple blue & white striped piece of fabric. When viewed from an angle, the salamander pattern is visible. Only those with the correct perspective will be able to see the hidden message.

I think these would make great placemats at a family reunion. The salamander wouldn't be immediately obvious. Anyone who recognized the hidden message would have to admit to seeing visions of white salamanders. We know how well that turned out for Joseph Smith.


Moroni garden statue with horn blowing out his ass.
So, my question is this. Can I buy a big gold Angel Moroni from Or do they sell them at nurseries along with garden gnomes? - by Makurosu

Oh, god, we're in for it now. This is just tacky enough it will probably catch on big in certain parts of Utah. Moroni off of the top of the Christmas tree and into the front garden. The Mormon equivalent of Mary on the half-shell. - by Lulu

A six foot shiny gold Moroni rising from the bushes in the front yard -- now if we could just get that to catch on! Exmos could get a version with the trumpet attached to the angel's posterior and a strained look on old Moroni's face. - by winter

Home - Site Map