Blasphemy!

Shame on you. You should repent and be go through a season of remorse and then come next October, to show your true devotion, purchase every kind of plastic Santa paraphanalia, even the stuff with lead paint and display them conspicuoulsy around your home, sing Santa songs and hold Santa Home Evenings till every fibre of your being resonates with Santeriffic Sanotas. If anyone tries to prove or show you that Santa doesn't exist, you should yell, "Get thee behind me Satan (don't transpose those letters) and expell them from your home, even if they're a beloved family member. Don't ever purchase or view anything that would suggest that Santa doesn't exist or that he's a figment of someones imagination or that he's a benevolent figure conjured up to reward goodness and punish percieved badness and frighten children to do our bidding.

Sing Santa songs whenever you have a bad thought come into your mind, especially if you're inclined to play with your little factory (or someone elses little factory). "Santa's coming down the chimney tonight" might lead you to play with your factory more so be careful which songs you focus on.

Make sure you display Santa art, only the ones approved by the Elves, prominantly on your walls and remove anything that doesn't reflect Santa and his good works. Read Santa stories, especially the sappy emotionally manipulative ones and make sure no one brings in a movie or watches any program that might show that he's not real or that he has sex with Mrs. Claus or that the elves are gay or that his long underwear is anything but comfortable and protective.

If any kids come to play with your kids and they suggest that there "Might not be a Santa", quickly hush them and expell them from your home. Make sure your kids are always "Busy" if the little buggers want to play and stop bringing casseroles to their sick mommy. In fact, pass a rumor around that they watch cable and non santa specific things in their home and that their dad doesn't even wear Santa underwear or suck on candy canes anymore.

If you meet anyone who is questioning whether there is a Santa, (a golden prospect) manipulate the questions so that the answer and outcome lead them to your very specific but general information that THERE IS A SANTA, and he loves them, and if them do what he wants (make sure you give them a Santa handbook) he will bless them. Then invite them to a Santa potluck and ply them with candycanes and hot chocolate and cookies. If they decline going to any more potlucks, ostracize them from the neighborhood and look away when they walk by.

Warn your children to stay away from any stores that don't prominantly display Santa in the window or that celebrate Kwanza or some other Pagean holiday. Make sure your Santa ring is worn at all times and that you consult your Santa discourses for every miniscule decision. Santa doesn't like non-believers and he won't bring you any presents if you disobey him.

The scene is set, laid out on "the mantles far, far greater than the intellect" of Latter-day Saints throughout the world, as they celebrate the true reason for the Season.

The pieces are hereby explained, as to their sacred gospel symbolism:

The Sheep: Blind Mormon followers

The Shepherds: Mormon bishops, lording over their flocks by day and night

The Three Wise Men: Couldn't find any, so they settled for the First Presidency

The Star: Mitt Romney, who thinks he's a star

The Angels: the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, singing "Glory to Gordy in the Highest"

The Donkey: Mormon missionary jackasses

The Cow: Mormon tithepayers, milked for all they're worth

The Manger: A Marriott hotel, complete with in-room porno movies

The Mother, Mary: Mormon women, celebrated only for giving birth

The Father, Joseph: Well, he's not Jesus' real father, which means he's representative of Mormon men, who are too busy doing Church work to be real fathers

The Christ Child: Jesus Smith

_______________

more by JW the Inquizzinator

The "barn/cave" = a meeting house, complete with excrement on the floor, loud animal sounds, and food [hay] everywhere, cleaned (or not) by the occupants.

The "gifts" = gold as a symbol of the wealth accumulated through the tithes of the faithful (even if they are on food stamps or in bankruptcy), frankincense (an incense) to cover up the smells in the meetinghouse, and myrrh (an embalming oil) as it provides sufficient lubrication for tithing settlements.

The reason they came to Bethlehem -- tithing settlement of course and the holy sacrament meeting count (lest the brethren 'short sheet' the ward budget).

Emperor Augustus - Gordon B Hinckley.

Herod = Insert your favorite Stake President.

Oh our Bank Account is frightful,
No, we can’t afford a bite full.
And the reason that this is so
Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

Back when the Church wasn’t prospering
And the Creditors were Collecting
On a trip to St. George he’d Go
Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight,
It will be Outside in the Storm!
The space in the cars real tight!
But at least we stayed right with the Lord!

The tires are slowly flatning,
And, my dear, no Christmas buying,
But we won’t be burned by the Lord,
Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow! Lorenzo Snow!

Joe's nuts roasting on an open fire
Mob is nipping at his heels
Preparing a party of feathers and tar
though Joe is slippery as an eel

Angry husbands of the wives he screwed
Help to make the fire bright
Moms of the teenaged brides he deflowered
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
v They know that justice is on the way
The ones he bilked want Joe to pay
Everyone he lied to now will spy
To see if Joe in the tar will really fry

And so we're offering this simple prayer
For every Exmo who sees true
Drink all you can, smoke cigars like The Man
Merry Smithmas

To You!

Away in an attic, no room for his head,
The con artist Joseph lay down in his bed.
A glow in the corner his slumber did break
Moroni the Angel appeared and then spake:

"God told me to tell you: you're such a Good Boy,
That He's gonna make you His modern Viceroy."
Joe quivered, he quavered, he shook like a reed,
He rubbed his eyes open, his chonies he peed.

The angel departed, Joe sat up in bed,
A beam in the rooftop did smack his soft head!
The birdies they twittered, the stars they did spin,
"I'm gonna be RICH!" said our country bumpkin.

His Mommy believed all the stories he told,
His Daddy did marvel — his lies were so bold!
The power he'd dreamed of he soon would possess;
Of riches and fame he began to obsess.

Joe walked through the forest, a hill for to find
A plot was unfolding in his scheming mind.
"Some Gold Plates I'll get me…a treasure of old…
A vision of God, and a church…" he extolled.

Joe fell to his knees, for a vision did pray:
Dead silence responded. Joe said: "what the hay?
I'll claim I saw God, who's to say that I din't?
Folks always believe what they read in newsprint!"

I ask thee, dear reader, what say you to this?
A shyster, a grifter, whose product is bliss?!?
Don't buy it, says I, for in jail he should be —
That little brat Joe and his fake history!

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas
Just like the ones Young used to know
Where the Girls Tops glisten,
and children Hasten
To hear Lorenzo Snow

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas
With every Church talk that I write
May your days have Helen Marr Kimball, she’s ripe!
And Mary, Yolanda, Christine, they’re tight.

I'm dreaming of a white and delightsome Christmas
With every Vision that I sight
May your Gays drop dead tonight!
And may all your Smithmases Delight

I saw Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry
Underneath the mistletoe last night
He didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
He thought I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Mommy kicking Daddy’s balls
Underneath his dick delightsome white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Papa Alger had only seen
Daddy popping Fanny’s cherry last night!

I saw Mommy kissing Joseph Smith's dick
while she was bent over a hay bale last night.
He seemed like a creep
down the stairs I caught a peep;
She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy lick Joseph Smith
up and down his dick so long and white;
Oh, what a blast it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Joseph Smith's dick last night.

I'll be white by Smithmas
You'll see pale-skinned me.
White like Smith, and Young, and Snow;
Transformed genetic'ly!

Smithmas Eve you'll see my
pasty-faced smile beam;
Southerton's D.N.A.
Is really just a dream!

Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,
Let your thoughts be light.
From now on
Prozac® will make your troubles bright!
Have yourself a churchy little Smithmas,
Tithing's due today.
Can't pay bills?
Get down upon your knees and pray!

Pi-o-neers back in olden days
Notch-their-belt-in days of want
Dreamed of Celestial food buffets
While growing more and more gaunt.

Through Eternity we'll be togethern,
If we all obey.
Accept another calling from the Brethern,
And have yourself a churchy little Smithmas Day.

You know Brigham and Heber,
And Warren and Wilford,
Ervil and Orson,
Osama and Willard,
But do you recall
The foremost polyg of all?

Joseph the pointy-nosed Mormon
knew an Angel with a knife.
And if he spotted a hottie
She had to become his wife.
All of the other Mormons
Tried and tried to emulate
His habits oh, so naughty:
Second-best was their fate!

Then one frosty winter day
Mobsters came to play:
Feather'd and tarred old horny Joe
He was movin' mighty slow!
Then all the mobsters mobbed him
As they kicked his butt with glee:
Joseph the pointy-nosed Mormon's
Nerves were sore and all jangly!

And now after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all (I hope to high hell), which I give of him: That he used to live! For I saw him (with my spiritual eyes), even on the right hand of God; and I heard the voice (with my spiritual ears), bearing record that he thinks he is a profit-- That by him and through him, and of him many teenage and mature women are and were married and had sex and many men were fleeced of their possessions.

And I bear witness that Joseph has done more for the seduction of women than any other man save only Brigham Young (and maybe Bill Clinton). I know this beyond the shadow of any doubt and I love my mom and dad. And I say this in the name of the profit, even Joseph Smith, Amen

With Smithmas here, I'm sure all of us are thinking about how thankful we are for Good Old Joe! Since Smithmas is all about the presents, most of the formal celebrating takes place on Smithmas Eve. In honor of Joe, here we go:

10. Play a classic game of "Hide the 116". Similar to hiding the Afikomen during Seder, this one teaches the kids what Smithmas is all about in a fun and care free way. Just be sure you remember where you stashed them so you can play again next year!

9. Nothing says Smithmas like re-enacting Joe's Leg Surgery. My sons love it when I hold them tightly, offer them booze and then inflict severe pain on them. How will they ever know how great Joe was unless they connect on a very real level?

8. An all time favorite has to be the "Buried Treasure Hunt". Choose from a variety of folk magic implements and fulfil your destiny! Seer Stones, Peep Stones, Divining Rods, it's all good. Be sure you con someone into paying you for your services first though. Hours of fun!

7. A Classic Read for a Classy Guy! Don't forget to read all about the Smiths, Joe's birth, childhood and divine calling through the eyes of his Mother. Don't let the blurred lines and visions of Joe Sr. bother you. The Church is True!

6. Now it's time for the "Golden Plate Relay Race"! Two teams take the field and it's a race to see who can finish the relay race the quickest. You get to decide between a historically correct set of plates or the kind that Emma could have moved around her house on her own.

5. It's not Hide and Seek, it's "Hide and Seer"! This game challenges even the most gifted seers of our generation. Pick your favorite Seer Stone, drop it in your favorite hat, stick your head in that hat . . . and let the light show you the way! No peeking, only peeping!

4. After the kids are asleep, it's time for that all time favorite . . . "Adultery, Smith Style"! Send one of your guests to the store or on some other errand and get to work. You must seduce their spouse before they get back or there'll be trouble. If all else fails, just say you received revelation.

3. Before the night gets too far along, be sure to have your "Smithmas Cocktail". Wine, Beer, Whiskey. . . anything goes. This is the one time of year it's ok to drink. You may only drink up until you act out the Martyrdom of Joe though, after that everyone gets really anal and decides that you're bad if you do it at all.

2. This event takes place right before the culminating event of the night. We call it . . . "What is that?" This game is played like the traditional telephone game and whatever comes out on the end gets put into your own personal Temple Ceremony. Need a new name? "What is that?". Need secret words to get into Heaven? "What is that?" Fun and effective!

1. The culminating event of the evening is the acting out of the "Martyrdom of Joe". Take off your garments for this one and arm yourself with a six shooter . . . this is one lamb going to the slaughter that isn't taking shit from anyone! I can't remember, but did Jesus arm himself when he went as a Lamb to the slaughter? What a pompous piece of shit Joe was to compare himself to Christ.

God rest you, merry Brigham Young,
Your doctrines ain't blasé!
Remember, Smith your Savior
Was born on Smithmas Day!
He gave you Salamander Power
And you not far did stray.
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

From some weird Heavenly Planet
A wingless angel flew;
To Joe Smith's attic bedchamber
And told him what to do —
Translate some gold plates in a hill
From Egypto-Hebrew-Who?
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

"Now go forth" said Moroni,
"It's time to take a wife."
To three-score you must marry
Or forfeit your dang life."
So Smith had all the fun he could
And with women he was rife . . .
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

Now to Ol' Joe sing praises,
All you who read this poem:
Give all your dough to Hinckley
And read some Churchly tome:
Or you'll deal with some EQP
From whose mouth curses foam.
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure —
Election Made Sure!
Oh! Calling and Election Made Sure!

Up in the temple
Mormons pause:
Gordy's lust for Sheri draws
Stares from the grannies
With lots of jowls,
Cheers from the grampas:
Fossil howls!
"Oh, my, oh!
Look at him go!"
"Ho, ho, ho!
Go, Gord, GO!"
Up in the temple,
Gord Hinckley
And his gal Sheri
Getting twinkle-y.

After his playtime
With little Dew,
Robes askew, Gord saw his cue:
“Marry me, Sheri —
I love you true!”
Oh, you ol' prophet —
What a coup!
"I wasn't told:
You're so bold,
Fingers cold,
Too darn OLD!"
Up in the temple,
Gord Hinckley —
matrimonially
Celestinckley.

Off to the altar
Gord withdrew;
Her rejection made him blue!
Disobedience
Is not allowed:
"That dang female
Is way too proud!
Boo hoo hoo,
What do I do?
My little ewe
Has said adieu."
Up in the temple
Gordy schemes —
Who is next in
His marriage dreams?

We Wish You a Special Smithmas
We Wish You a Special Smithmas
We Wish You a Special Smithmas
And some callings this year!
Our tithing we bring
To Church from our kin;
Our Tithing for Smithmas
And some callings this year!

We'll go to the Tabernacle
We'll go to the Tabernacle
We'll go to the Tabernacle
To see Conf'rence here!
The choir will sing
As Gordon's sleeping,
Boyd will berate us
And then we'll all cheer!

We all want some Priesthood Blessings
We all want some Priesthood Blessings
We all want some Priesthood Blessings
Perform them right here!
Our children we bring,
Commandments keeping;
Anoint us! Appoint us!
At the Gentiles we sneer!

We're going up to the Temple
We're going up to the Temple
We're going up to the Temple
With our robes and headgear.
To learn about God,
And hold to the rod.
And maybe we'll meet him —
Our Prophet so dear!

Jolly Ol' Joe Smith, please just
Lend your ear this way:
"There's some gals live down the road;
Virginal, they say!"
Smithmas Eve is coming soon;
Now, you pervy man
Whisper what you'll do with them —
Tell me if you can!

When the clock is striking twelve,
Emma's fast asleep.
Down the stairs and through the door
To your gals you'll creep!
All their garments you will find
Blowing to and fro;
Helen's are the smallest ones —
That, I'm sure you know!

Fanny wants a garter belt,
Zina wants a bed,
Flora wants a brand new dress,
Emma wants your head!
Now you think you know what you
What to give the rest —
But for you, Ol' Sneaky Joe,
Carthage will be best!

I saw Mommy kissing Parley Pratt
Underneath the hallway stairs last night.
He didn't tell me: "scat!"
When he saw me through the slat;
And she thought I was chopping
Wood out back in my black hat.
Then, I heard Mommy telling Parley Pratt
She would go with him to Deseret!
Oh, how the bullets would have flown
If Daddy had only known
About Mommy kissing Pratt, that Rat!

Good Mormon men, rejoice,
The prophet gives you little choice:
"Beat your wives and kids today,
And don't forget — your tithing pay!"
High priests all must pay the price
Of callings once, and twice, and thrice!
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Good Mormon wives, rejoice,
The home is where you'll find your voice!
Green Jell-O™ and Tuna Plate
Are dishes you must feed your mate;
Wash, and clean: before him bow,
And he will give you children now!
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

Good Mormon kids, rejoice,
You're here cuz dad is not pro-choice.
Be baptized and say your prayers,
And never question those upstairs!
Missions are a sacrifice —
Just pray you don't come home with lice.
Smith is born today!
Smith is born today!

The first Joe-ël, Moroni did say,
Was to that loser Joe Smith family as they lay;
In fields and barnyards where they did sleep
Off a hard winter drunk that was so deep.
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

They looked up and saw a star
Shining over Cumorah beyond them far;
And to the drunks it gave forth light:
Salamander, angels, Jesus, God — right!
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

And by the light of gold plates thar
Three witlesses signed up to praise that star;
To seek for free dough was their intent,
And follow this shyster wherever he went!
Joe-ël, Joe-ël Joe-ël Joe-ël:
Born is the shyster of this ta-ël!

Black tar roasting on an open fire,
Joe Smith tied up to a post.
White goose feathers being flung — it looks dire —
His gonads might be castra-toast!

Everybody knows: this turkey has been cheating them —
And they want to treat him right!
Burly guys exercising mayhem;
He'll find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know his pals are on their way,
They'll grab their phony prophet and begin to pray.
But the whole rowdy crowd is feeling high —
Cuz this big shot is gonna go home and cry.

And now I'm offering this simple song
To Mo's from nine to ninety-two.
Although it's been said
Many times, all night long:
Merry eXMos to you!

8^D

1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the Angel Moroni, that all the world should be duped.

2. (And this duping was first done when Joseph Smith was Moneydigger of Palmyra).

3. And all the Mormons went to be duped, every one into his own wardhouse.

4. And Joseph Smith, Sr. also went up from Vermont, out of the city of Sharon, into upstate New York, unto the city of Palmyra (actually, it was a shabby little town which is also called Hicksville, because Joseph, Sr. was of the house and lineage of a long line of bums, misfits, vagabonds and ne'er-do-wells).

5. To hang around town doing nothing all day with his nutty wife and lazy kids, being heavy with nothing, having all kinds of time on their hands.

6. And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that the Golden Plates should be delivered.

7. And Joseph Smith, Jr. brought forth his first-born in a long line of scams and wrapped it in a blanket so that no one could see it, and laid his face in hat, because that's where the peepstone was.

8. And there were in the same country scoundrels--Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery--biding their time, keeping a lookout for a flock to fleece.

9. And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came unto Joseph Smith, Jr. and the glory of a White Salamander shone round about him; and he could hardly wait to get laid.

10. And the Angel Moroni said unto him, "Fear not for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great treasure, which shall be to all people, for there is a sucker born every minute.

11. "For unto you is made up this day in the town of Palmyra a money-making scheme which, Christ the Lord, is guaranteed to pay off.

12. "And this shall be the pitch for you: Ye shall find the Golden Plates buried in a hill behind your house--lying in, well, lying in whatever. You get it: lying, lying and more lying."

13. And suddenly there was with the Angel Moroni a multitude of disreputable Witnesses, pretty much all related, praising Joseph Smith, and saying:

14. "Glory to Joe in the highest, and on Earth we all get a piece of the action."

15. And it came to pass, as the Witnesses had gotten their stories lined up and God and Jesus had gone away from the Grove of Trees into heaven, they said one to another, "Let us now go with Joe even unto Nauvoo, and see this thing which is coming to pass, which a traveling showman passing through has made known to us by selling us some Egyptian mummies and some old papyrus."

16. And they came with haste and found Joseph not with Emma, but with several of his under-age wives and girlfriends lying in a bedroom.

17. And when they had seen it, they made known in an emergency session of the City Council the saying which was told them concerning this potential problem, which by that time had been printed in the Nauvoo Expositor.

18. And all they that read it wondered at those things which were published by the apostates.

19. But Joseph tried to keep all these things under control and pondered them in his heart, then ignored the Constitution, ordered the newspaper destroyed, was arrested and soon shot to death in the middle of yelling out the Masonic Cry of Distress from a jailhouse window:

"Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale to Joe in the Highest and on Earth, Pitch the Cult Toward Men (since the women don't count, anyway)."

The End

Brigham Young

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas - by Grape Nephi aka William

God rest ye merry, manly gods, let nothing you dismay. Only 29,999 eternal wives to do between now and Smithmas Day! - Timothy

(Tune of Oh Chistmas tree) Oh Caroline, Oh Madine, whatever your name is I love you. n/t - by Anubis

I thought BY's favorite Christmas Carol was Carol Brown or was it Carol Smith or... Well he had so many Carol's that I'm sure even he lost track! - Fallible

Jingled Balls - by Eliza R Snow

I Saw My Mommies Kissing Santa Under the Mistle Toe - by Brigham Young, Jr.

Here Comes Brigham's Claws - by all of Briggy's wives

Have A Maria - by Catholic convert to Mormonism and polygamy

Joseph Smith

O Come On the Faithful - by substrate

My Nuts Resting Over an Open Fanny - by Warren Jeffs

I'll Be Horney For Christmas - by Brigham Young

Joseph Fielding Smith

I Saw the Patriarch Kissing Santa Claus - by substrate

Ezra Taft Benson

Rudoph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (appeared before the McCarthy hearings) - by substrate

Mark E. Petersen

The Little Caucasian Drummer Boy - by substrate

Spencer W. Kimball

I'll Be White By Christmas - by substrate

We Wish You a Fairy Christmas - by The Evergreen Dropout All Male Chorus

Boyd K. Packer

Silent Night (We got rid of what wasn't "uplifting") - by substrate

Little Factory Boy - by Pee Wee Herman

Boy to the World - by Donna Packer

Richard G. Scott

Mary, Did You Know (You Need to Repent)? - by substrate

Gordon B Hinckley

Isn't It The Most Wonderful, Marvelous, Amazing, Inspiring Time of the Year - by Edleman Public Relations

Twelve GA's of Smithmas - by Mr. Mac and the Slobbernacle choir

O Little Mall of City Creek - by Sheri Dew and the Faithful Deseret Book Shoppers

While Shepherds Watched We Fleeced the Sheep - by The Internal Audit Committee Chorus

It's Smithmas in Utah,
All the Sunbeams sing,
It's Smithmas in Utah,
Imagine such a thing.

It's Smithmas in Utah,
The snow falls on the ground,
There's lots of Joseph everywhere
But no Jesus to be found.

It's Smithmas in Utah,
Let's see what's on TV...
GA talks twice an hour
And Osmonds, one, two, three.

There's gifts for all the family,
There's quads, and Motab CDs...
The latest books by GBH
And Joe Smith DVDs!

It's Smithmas in Utah,
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray;
Every single day,
Is Smithmas day!

Every Mormon down in Happy Valley Liked Smithmas a lot...

But the Apostate Mormon who lived just north of Happy Valley, Did NOT!

The Apostate hated Smithmas! And the whole Mormon holiday season!

Now, please don't ask why. Every good Mormon knows the reason.

It was because his head wasn't into scripture reading at night.

It was also because, perhaps, his underwear wasn’t right.

But I think that the most shocking reason of all,

Is because his former calling was humbly too small.

Whatever the offense, his calling or his underwear,

He stood there on Smithmas Eve, hating Mormons everywhere,

Staring out from his mists of darkness, a sinful Apostatey example,

As the warmth of the gospel lighted the windows down in their temple.

For he knew every Mormon down in Happy Valley below,

Was busy now telling stories of handcarts and snow.

"They're hanging their new First Presidency’s photo" he snarled with scorn,

"Tomorrow is Smithmas! It's the General Conference Saturday closest to when Joseph Smith was born!"

Then he scowled, with anti-Mormon facts in his head thumping,

"I MUST find some way to stop Smithmas from coming!"

For Tomorrow, he knew, all his Mormon relatives’ children,

Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their television!

And then! Oh, the noise! The noise of Living Scriptures!

Oh, the Noise of Michael Mclean!

Noise of apostles droning! Noise of Seventies bemoaning! Noise of women “joying!”

That's one thing he hated! The LDS NOISE!

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then after the first session his Mormon family, young cousins and old grandparent farts, would sit down to a Mormon eating.

And they'd eat! And they'd eat! And they'd EAT!

EAT! EAT! EAT!

They would eat Mormon Jell-O, and Mormon funeral potatoes.

Which was something apostates can't stand eating, every Mormon knows!

And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!

Everyone from Happy Valley, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, with the whole family beaming.

They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Mormons would start singing!

They'd sing hymns! And they'd sing LDS songs! And they'd SING!

SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Apostate thought of this Mormon Smithmas sing,

The more the Apostate thought, "I must stop this Mormon thing!"

"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this Smithmas from coming! But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE APOSTATE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Apostate laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick dash for his Halloween costumes.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Apostatey trick!"

"With this clock and this mask, I look just like Old Nick!"

"All I need is a pitched fork..." The Apostate looked around.

But, since pitched forks are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Apostate? No! The Apostate simply said,

"If I can't find a pitched fork, I'll use a rake instead!"

So he pulled on his mask. Then he painted the rake red,

And he tied big horns on the top of his head.

THEN He loaded some empty trash bags and some old empty crates,

In his ramshackle car he pitched that old rake.

Then the Apostate said, "Later!" And the car started down,

Toward the homes where his Mormon relations lay asleep in their town.

All their windows were dark. Lovely quiet filled the air.

All these Mormons were dreaming Celestial dreams without wit.

When he came to the first little house full of Mormon shit.

"This is stop number one," the old Apostate hissed,

And he opened their unlocked door, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the hall. Their television room he almost missed.

But, as Satan he could do it, so on went the Apostate.

He got confused in the dark only once, for a moment or two.

Then Smith’s head stuck out above the fireplace and he knew.

Where those little Mormon movies and CDs were all stacked in a row.

"These movies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the Mormon decorated room, and he took every accent!

The First Presidency picture! And Smith statuettes! MoTab CDs! Living Scriptures!

White hankies! Ensign Magazines! The Friend! And Christ pictures!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Apostate, very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, into his Chevy!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Mormons' eats!

He took the green Jell-O! He took the potatoes!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as evil grows.

Why, that Apostate even took their last can of Sprite!

Then he stuffed all the food in his car with glee.

"And NOW!" grinned the Apostate, "I will take their t.v.!"

And the Apostate grabbed the television, and he started to puff,

When he heard a small sound like a dog barking ruff.

He turned around fast, and he saw a big Mormon!

Little Cindy his niece, and she was not more than thirty-two.

The Apostate had been caught by this hefty Mormon daughter,

She'd got out of bed for a cup of refrigerator door water.

She stared at the Apostate and said, "Satan, why,”

"Why are you taking our television? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Apostate was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little Cindy," the fake Satan lied,

"There's a problem with this television and its not filling you with pride."

"So I'm taking it to Hell to work on it, my dear."

"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled his niece. Then he patronized her some more,

And he got her a drink from the door of their refrigerator.

And when Cindy went to bed with her cup,

HE went to the car and tied their television on top!

Then the last thing he took was the agenda for their fireside!

Then he went to his car and pulled the door closed, the old liar.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house,

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing to his other Mormon relations’ houses

Leaving crumbs much too small For the other Mormons' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn... All the Mormons, sleeping in,

All the Mormons, still asleep when he had filled up his station wagon,

Packed it up with their pictures! The recordings! The Mormon things!

The tacky decoration! And the movies! The warm fuzzies! The Mormon trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Timpanogas,

He rode with his load to the tiptop then ran out of gas!

"Pooh Pooh to the Mormons!" he was Apostateishly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Smithmas is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,

Then the Mormon family down in Happy Valley will all cry Boo Hoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Apostate, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Apostate put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the foothills.

It started in low. Then it grew to some shrills.

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded happy!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS happy! VERY!

He stared down at Happy Valley! The Apostate popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Mormon relative he had down in Happy Valley, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any paraphernalia at all!

He HADN'T stopped Smithmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Apostate, with his Apostate-feet ice-cold in the mountain snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"

"It came with out recordings! It came without televised drags!"

"It came without pictures, decorations or guilt-laden nags!"

And he puzzled for a full three hour block, till his puzzler was shocked.

Then the Apostate thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Smithmas," he thought, "doesn't come from Deseret Bookstore."

"Maybe Smithmas...perhaps...means something more than a bore!"

And what happened then? Well...in Happy Valley they say,

That the Apostate's small testimony grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his head didn't feel quite so full of spite,

He coasted down with his load through the bright morning light,

And he brought back their junk! And the food for their tween-session eating!

And he, HE HIMSELF! The Apostate got a royal Mormon beating!

Welcome Smithmas

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome Smithmas,

come this way!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome Smithmas,

Smithmas Day!

Welcome, welcome!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Welcome, welcome!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Smithmas Day,

Is in our patriarchal grip,

So long as we,

Arms to fold

And hands to hold!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome Smithmas!

Bring your scriptures.

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome all Mormon's,

Far and near

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Welcome, Smithmas!

Father of Mormons Joseph!

Welcome, Smithmas!

Preexistent Mormons he chose us!

Smithmas Day,

Will always be

Just as long,

As we have we

Welcome all Mormon's,

Far and near.

I'll be home for Smithmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and green Jell-O
for your RM just me

Smithmas Eve will find me
Home Teaching Brother Gleams
I'll be home for Smithmas
If only in my dreams

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas;
of that TBM's will cheer
I don't know (if we teach that)
every freak'in year.

Have a holly, jolly Smithmas
And when you walk down the street
Say Hello to friends you used to know
and every Ex-TBM you meet.

Ho ho the wind will blow
when Packer is to appear
Somebody waits for you
on FARMS BS you see

Have a holly jolly Smithmas,
and in case you didn't hear,
Oh by golly, have a holly,
jolly Smithmas this year.

Note: I didn't have to change the last verse and yet it sounds like utah....

Joe the very thought of thee
With regret fills my breast
Of life's valuable time wasted
And all the freakin' rest

No voice can sing
Nor heart can frame
Nor can the memory find
An uglier, con-man cultist
And abuser of womankind

The hopeless dream of every dupe
The pain of every fool
The hero of every paedophile
The lies were bloody cruel

Fake prophet, you still linger on
Though the halcyon days are over
Just like a frenzied dog on heat
You should have been called Rover

On the first week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
A home teacher preaching to me.

On the second week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the third week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the fourth week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the fifth week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the sixth week I skipped church,
my bishop sent to me
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the seventh week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the eighth week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the ninth week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the tenth week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Ten predictions of divorce,
Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the eleventh week I skipped church,
My bishop sent to me
Eleven promises of damnation,
Ten predictions of divorce,
Nine rumors about my sexual orientation,
Eight links to FARMS,
Seven First Presidency Messages,
Six major guilt trips,
Five plates of cookies,
Four phone calls,
Three emails,
Two visiting teachers,
And a home teacher preaching to me.

On the twelfth week I skipped church,
My bishop came to me
And we had a beer and watched football.

O little town of Sharon

O little town of Sharon,
How still we see thee lie;
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by;
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light.
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight.

For Joe is born of Lucy,
And gathered all above,
While mortals sleep the angels keep
Their watch of wondering love.
O morning stars, together
Proclaim the holy birth !
And praises sing to Joe the King,
of Israel and the earth !

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is given !
And so it starts and He imparts
The blessings of Mormon heaven.
No one should fear His coming;
But please ignore the din,
Where antis will revile Him still,
But dear Joe will always win.

O holy Child of Sharon,
Descend to us, we pray;
Bring all our kin and enter in,
Be with us now we pray.
We hear the Smithmas angels
The great glad tidings tell,
O come to us, abide with us,
Our King so with us dwell !

On the first day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
A PPI next to the Smithmas tree

On the second day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the third day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
three new hometeaching families, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the forth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me
An assignment to talk on Sunday, three new hometeaching families, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the Fifth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!
Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the sixth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!
A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the seventh day of Smithmas my leader gave to me!
Seven seals to talk on.
A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the eigth day of Smithmas my leader gave to me. Eight endowment sessions.
Seven seals to talk on. A call to the Deacons quorum. Packer's latest Talk! Four assignment talks, three new hometeaching familes, two Books of Mormon and a PPI next to the Smithmas tree.

On the 9th day of Smithmas my leader gave to me.....

A nervous breakdown...

At PPI the next Sunday Brother Jones was talked about. See he ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown and heart palpitations. A request was made for someone to take some green Jell-O salad over to the family.

"Joseph Smith holds the keys of this last dispensation, and is now engaged behind the vail in the great work of the last days. No man or woman in this dispensation will ever enter into the Celestial Kingdom of God without the consent of Joseph Smith." - Brigham Young - October 9, 1859 - Journal of Discourses Vol. 7 pg. 289

Twas the night before Christmas, in fair Zarahemla
Where two seons of gold won't fetch half a limnah
Since the buildings all crumbled and smashed to the ground
Over dead, bloody people heaped up in a mound.

The children were strewn over sharp rocky beds
While visions of cureloms danced in their heads
And Mamma with her bleeding and my fractured thigh
Had just settled down to curse God and die.

When out in the rubble arose such a clatter
I strained my head up to see what was the matter
And peered o'er the stones - my eyes flew like a tapir
just stabbed in a battle with an iron-tipped rapier

The sky covered up by black clouds of debris
Hid the frenzied, cold wounded still trying to flee
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a pinprick of light growing steadily nearer

From a man clothed in white, his robe open in front
Like a pimp-daddy lounge singer pulling some stunt
When a voice still and small wafted over the snow
That pierced to my soul, "Folks it's time for the show!

"Come hear Jesus, my son, in whom I'm well pleased
Who helped ravage your cities with death and disease!"
So I looked and saw Him light down from the sky
Landing on top of and crushing some elderly guy.

I stared right into this holy hipster's breast
Which was shaven as freshly as his chin, legs, and the rest
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

He was fit as a stallion, and smelled of chlorine
From that Heavenly hot tub where he stashed Ann, Meg, and Doreen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He'd scarcely arrived when he went straight to work
Proclaiming himself emperor, the self-righteous jerk
Then he invited the young and the old not yet dead
To forget their own wounds and check his out instead

Then he quickly got bored and started to rise
Up and lecture us all on how to baptize
He laid out every detail as if I should care
About proper procedures when one missed a few hairs.

Then to prove that he wouldn't leave us all in a lurch
He took care to expound on the name of his Church.
Then he healed some of the injured who had faith to heal
And suggested they forget dead friends who lacked zeal.

Now laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up to heaven he rose.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Joseph the con man
Was a lying cheating sod
With a magic stone and them golden plates
And some books he wrote for God

Joseph the con man
Wrote a fairy tale we say
He worshipped the flesh
Now he’s in their crèche
And he’ll be a god one day (they say)

There must have been some magic
In that silly hat he had
For when he placed it on his face
He began a brand new fad

Joseph the con man
Was frisky as he could be
Now the Mormons say
To obey and pay
Like God wants for you and me

Joseph the con man
Knew he could be shot that day
So he said let’s run
And have some more fun
And after that we’ll pray

Inside the jail cell
With a weapon in his hand
Running here and there his arm to the square
Saying catch me if you can

He jumped through the open window
It was a scary drop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard them holler stop

Joseph the con man
Was shot while running away
As he went bye-bye
He said I won’t cry
For I’ll be a god some day

Clangety clang clang
Clangety clang clang
Look at BYU
Clangety clang clang
Clangety clang clang
Jesus the Christ should sue

CANDLES
Smithmas candles are all shapes, colors, sizes and scents. But only the white ones smell like vanilla and are therefore the best color. The lighted candle represents Joseph Smith who lights the way for all mankind.

SMITHMAS CAROLS
Most of the early carols were about Emma, the Lamanites, the 3 Witnesses and the birth of Joseph. Later carols were sung by groups of people who would go to homes and sing in harmony. Now we sing about what Joseph Smith has done for the world by ushering in the Last Dispensation.

SMITHMAS STAR
The Smithmas star announced the birth of Joseph Smith, who, unlike Christ, really was born in December. Stars are placed on the tops of Smithmas Trees. Joseph Smith is the world's greatest super STAR and looks down on the world from on high to see his dominions!

SMITHMAS TREE
Evergreen trees and tree branches have been used for decorating homes for Smithmas. The decorated tree originated in Germany where a fir tree was decorated with apples and candles. Prince Albert brought the custom to England. The idea of decorating a Smithmas tree spread to America where Joseph Smith was born in a cozy cabin nestled in a lush forest filled with pines.

GIFT-GIVING
The day of gift-giving varies in different countries .... Dec.6th (St.Nicholas day) ; Dec. 12th (Joseph Smith's birthday); Dec. 24th ; Dec. 25th ; Dec. 26th (Boxing day) ; January 6th (Epiphany, Feast of the 3 Witnesses, or the three Kings). The giver of the gifts is also varies in different countries. It could be the Child Joseph, Kriss Kringle, Santa Claus, Father Smithmas, Befana in (Italy), Babushka (Russia), the Magi or St. Nicholas. Of course the greatest gift ever given was the life of the prophet Joseph Smith who sealed his testimony with his own blood.

GINGERBREAD
Making gingerbread cookies and gingerbread houses is a popular activity during the Smithmas season. Gingerbread houses were first made in Germany. The gingerbread house was popular after the fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel became well-known. It also reminds us of the Gingerbread Man who yelled, "You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!" Too bad Joseph Smith wasn't like the Gingerbread Man.

HOLLY
Holly trees can be found around the world. It remains green during the winter so it is used for decorating. The holly wreath resembles the circular logic apologists use to prove Joseph Smith was a prophet. The berries represent Joseph's blood. The best blood ever spilt in Illinois...at Carthage Jail...in front of the well...only counting human blood.

MANGER SCENE or NATIVITY SCENE
St. Francis of Assisi made the first manger scene on Smithmas Eve in 1224 outside his church in Italy . He used real people and animals to recreate the scene. The child Joseph is not added to the manger until December 12th. The 3 Wise Men (Witnesses) are added on January 6th, the day of the Epiphany (also called the Festival of the Kings). That St. Francis of Assisi knew about the birth of Joseph Smith almost 600 years beforehand is another evidence for Joseph's divine calling.

ORNAMENTS
The first Smithmas trees were decorated with real fruit and flowers. Cookies, nuts , candies and other kinds of food were added later on. Lighted candles were also used but there was the danger of fires when the candles were lit. Joseph Smith liked fire. Ornaments are mostly a pagan invention that Joseph Smith really didn't have much to do with.

POINSETTIA
A legend in Mexico tells of a small boy who had nothing to offer the Child Joseph on his birthday. As he prayed at the altar of a church, his prayers were answered and the "Flower of the Holy Night" sprang up before him. The bright red petals of the poinsettia are actually leaves like those worn in the Garden of Eden.

PLUM PUDDING
The first plum puddings were made in the 1600's and were not even made of plums. The pudding was a "stiff" porridge to which was added lumps of meat, dried fruits, butter, sugar, eggs, spices, rum and brandy. It was prepared weeks before Smithmas. Joseph liked to say that, "...young girls are even better than Plum Pudding."

SANTA CLAUS
The Dutch were the first to speak of a merry old man in red and white clothes, with eight flying reindeer. He lived near the North Pole, filled stockings with presents, and came down the chimney. They called him Sinte Klass which is Dutch for "Smith Crier" or "Smith Foreteller". He foretold the birth and mission of the prophet Joseph Smith and left presents after ensuring children paid a full tithe on their earnings in the mines.

THE WISE MEN or WITNESSES
C.M.D. are the initials of the three Wise Men named Cowdrey, Martin, and David. It is a custom in Poland, Czechoslovakia and Sweden for three boys to visit homes on the Epiphany and testify of Joseph Smith's calling. The initials C.M.D. are written over the doors of the homes and three stars are drawn, also. All three witnesses were very wise in describing their experiences and their special use of "spiritual eyes."

YULE LOG
In early days fire was a symbol of the home, safety and warmth. The English took on the custom of burning the yule log on Smithmas Eve. It was considered good luck to sit on it before it was burned and it was bad luck if the fire went out quickly. Joseph told young girls it was good luck to sit on his "Yule Log" too!

Women in numbers and beer and tabacky
Head in his hat and he has lots of lackeys
He says he's translating some plates made of gold
Making up names of the prophets of old.

Emma is pissed off, the wives are a'screaming
Joseph is up in the temple a'dreaming.
Dreaming of other man's wives is a chore
Too bad the man's rotten down through his core.

Rites from Masons,
Funny garments,
It so frickin' sad.
That people believe in these life-sucking things,
It makes us all very mad.

The LD$ Church should (keeping in mind their historical record of plagiarism) borrow from the Catholic Church and hold a Midnight Fast and Testimony meeting on December 23.

This meeting will always open with the hymn "Praise to the Man". There will then be read a special message from the First Presidency full of sickening platitudes about Joe Smith. Following the usual Sacrament, the Junior Sunday School will perform a brief program about Joe Smith, then members will be encouraged to bear their testimony of Joe. (No travelogues or other extraneous material allowed).

Interspersed with testimonies will be the singing of Smithmas hymns. Following the closing hymn - in the name of Joseph Smith (not Jesus Christ) - the congregation will adjourn to the cultural hall to view the church's latest Joe Smith DVD.

After returning home, the family will gather around the Smithmas tree to sing more Smithmas songs and read from the Pearl of Great Price: Joseph Smith Chapter 2. The tree must be topped with a Moroni tree-topper (available from Deseret Books for only $39.99) and decorated with ornaments depicting LD$ temples. Ornaments depicting current and former General Authorities will be an acceptable alternative. There will be an exchange of traditional gifts - books written by GA's only.

Later in the day, the family will gather for the traditional Smithmas dinner. The table should be decorated with placemats bearing the likenesses of Joe's polygamous wives, and the centerpiece should be a depiction of the first vision. (Liberal Mormons can have a choice of which version they use). The meal must include at least one Jell-o salad and funeral potatoes are strongly recommended.

Following dinner, the family will watch home video of last summer's trip to Nauvoo or Palmyra before holding family prayer focusing on Joe Smith.

In Utah, Smithmas will, of course, be an offical holiday just like July 24.

I also submit the following Smithmas song:

The Twelve Days of Smithmas
(Sung to the usual tune. For the sake of brevity, only the last verse is included)

On the twelfth day of Smithmas, the Mormons gave to me:
Twelve apostles droning
Eleven members snoring
Ten percent tithing
Nine Joe Smiths conning
Eight mishies tracting
Seven wives a-waiting
Six doctrines changing
Five Golden Plates
Four first visions
Three bogus books
Two piece garments
And a peepstone in an old hat.

2:8 And there were in the same country sheep abiding in the Morg, keeping watch over the other sheep by night.

2:9 And, lo, an angel named Nephi came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

2:10 And the angel (Nephi) said unto them, "Fear not, for (you give us your thithing,and)I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all Morgbots.

2:11 For unto you is born this day in the state of Vermont, a con-man, which is Joseph Smith.

2:12 And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the man wrapped in no clothes, lying with a woman (who is not his wife).

2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel, Nephi a multitude of the heavenly host praising Smith, and saying,

2:14 Glory to Joe in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men (No women allowed).

On the first day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
A guilt trip throughout all eternity.

On the second day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Two wards combining

On the third day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Three Cumorah locations

On the fourth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Four unfound cultures

On the fifth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Five tumbago plates

On the sixth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Six temple changes

On the seventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Seven members leaving

On the eight day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Eight maids to marry

On the ninth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Nine ladies on Prozac

On the tenth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Ten malls from tithing

On the eleventh day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Eleven Kirtland bank notes

On the twelfth day of Smithmas the true church gave to me...
Twelve old men droning,

Eleven Kirtland bank notes

Ten malls from tithing

Nine ladies on Prozac

Eight maids to marry

Seven members leaving

Six temple changes

Fiiiiiiive tumbago plates

Four unfound cultures

Three Cumorah locations

Two wards combining

And a guilt trip throughout all eternity.

Who can forget these classic songs?

I'm Dreaming of a White Lamanite -- Zion's Camp Chorus

Baby, It's Cold Outside (Let Me In, Emma) -- Joseph "Statch" Smith

We Three Wives -- The Lawrence Sisters

Far, Far Away in Joseph's Bed -- Fanny Alger and The Barn-Burners

Dying In a Winter Wonderland -- Willie-Martin Singers

Count Your Child-Brides Instead of Sheep -- Brigham Young and His All-Girl Choir

I'll Be Home from Carthage -- Hyrum Smith

Have Yourself a Merry Little Massacre -- John "Scapegoat" Lee

Away, Out of Danger (When Emma's Not Here) -- Joseph "Iron Rod" Smith

Here We Come A-Philandering -- Parley Pratt

Do You Hear What We Don't Teach? -- Gordon and the Geriatrics

Joseph Smith Is Coming to Town (lock up the girls) -- Emma Smith

Grandma Got Deflowered by a Prophet -- Helen Mar Kimball

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Fraud -- Nibley and the FARMSmen

Let It Go! Let It Go! It's Not Essential to Your Salvation -- The Denial-Time Band

Silent Night -- Book of Mormon Answer Man

The Chipmunk Song (It Was Really a Tapir) -- Brant Gardner

We Three Con-men by the Ffurst Prez Are...
Do you have that one? - lost girl

Don't forget the bonus album which leads off with....

I'll Be Home for Christmas (you can count on me for 10%) - by Hinckley's Hypothetical Hypocritical Humming Healers - notmorm

A couple more from the bonuse album:

Let It Grow, Let It Grow, Let It Grow (that mall bill is getting big don't you think Gordy?) - by the Darth Parker Traveling Extravaganza

Deck the Halls with Moulds of Jell-o" by the Jolly Green Joseph Smith Orchestra

I Saw Daddy Joseph Popping Fannie's Cherry Underneath The Mistletoe Last Night -- Julia Murdoch Smith - hk112358

But wait! There's more! You get the ever popular Twelve Wives of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
My first wife gave to me,
Her sister ‘neath the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas
My two wives gave to me,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my
three wives gave to me,
Three French wives,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree.

Ons the fourth day of Christmas
My four wives gave to me,
More calling wives
Three French wives,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas
My five wives gave to me
FIVE MORE MOUTHS TO FEED!
More calling wives,
Three French wives,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas
My six wives gave to me
Six wives for laying,
FIVE MORE MOUTHS TO FEED!
More calling wives,
Three French wives,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas
My seven wives gave to me,
Seven wives synchronized swimming,
Six wives for laying,
FIVE MORE MOUTHS TO FEED!
More calling wives,
Three French wives,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree.

On the eight day of Christmas,
My eight wives gave to me,
Eight wives worth milking,
Seven wives synchronized swimming,
Six wives for laying,
FIVE MORE MOUTHS TO FEED!
More calling wives,
Three French wives,
Two more wives,
And her sister neath the Christmas tree. - wine country girl

Dying in a Winter Wonderland

The knives ring
Are you listening?

I'm in pain
Blood is glistening

A bloody ol'sight
I'll be gone by tonight
Dying in a winter wonderland

Passed away is the key word
My dying here is so absurd

He sings a song
My blood flows along
Dying in a winter wonderland

In the meadow you can see a deadman
Then pretend he's lost his crown

He'll say: Are you buried?
I'll say: no man
But you can do the job
When I go down

Later on
You'll perspire
As I burn upon the fire

To face unafraid
No more to get laid
Dying in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we'll stand the deadman
And pretend he's a circus clown
We'll have tons of fun with Mr. Deadman
Till the coroner's known him down

When it flows
Ain't it thrilling
You just saw a killing
We'll frolic and play
The cadaver's cold way
Dying in a winter wonderland

Dying in a winter wonderland
Dying in a winter wonderland - notmorm

Joe's Nuts Roasting on an Oprah Fire by Martha Nibley Beck and The Nauvoo Relief Society Virgin Vigilantes - cricket

Joe's nuts roasting on an open fire,
Angry men knocking on his nose,
War cries by Masons in mob attire,
And folks ready to come to blows.

Everybody knew him as Ol' Horney Joe,
Helped cause in young girls such a fright.
Ravaging teenage girls with their eyes all aglow,
They'll find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Joseph's on his way;
He's loaded with lots of lust and ready to lay.
And every Nauvoo maiden is going to cry,
Seeing how well Joseph can really lie.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To girls from fourteen to twenty-two,
Although he's been laid many times, many ways,
Keep Joseph Smith away from you.

Emma the Angry First Wife by wjd

You know Fanny and Lucinda and Louisa and Zina,
Precindia and Agnes and Silvia and Mary,
But do you recall the most famous wife of all?

Emma the angry first wife,
Tried to hide the evidence!
Twas mad because her husband,
Slept around with his friend's wives!

All of the other husbands,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They were sent off on missions,
So they couldn't re-tal-i-ate!

Then one foggy day they found,
Their daughters with ol' Joe,
Wives had his babies in secret,
And Emma denied it all!

Emma the angry first wife,
As she shouted out in rage,
Emma the angry first wife,
You'll go down in history!

The following is a poem in Anapestic Tetrameter. In other words, each line has a meter schema of " - - / - - / - - / - - / ", where " - " is an unstressed syllable and " / " is a stressed syllable:

'Twas the night before Christmas, and on Temple Square
hung a most hopeless feeling of awful despair.
while the Morg missionaries led tours of the grounds,
there was no trace of cheer to be anywhere found.

And inside of the temple the mood did persist,
as fifteen men assembled (my sources insist).
Now, the men were "apostles," or so it is said,
by the folks known as "Mormons" who might be misled.

Then they each took their seats, their heads heavy with gloom,
for their bi-weekly meeting in the "Upper Room."
When they all became seated, one man took the stand,
he was M. Russell Ballard--What speech had he planned?

"There's a new thing out there," he began with a frown,
"If it isn't stopped soon, it will tear the church down!
Now it's time that we faced an insidious threat,
it's the worst one in years: It's called 'the Internet!'

And the members--from old to the young, I've heard tell--
they can eas'ly get on it, Goddamn it to Hell!
They can read what they want just by typing key-words!
And the normal folks do this, not just geeks and nerds!

Now, I've heard many stories of members aghast
when they first read the true and unsanitized past!
Because now people see that the hist'ry's been changed,
and they know Brigham's sermons sound fully deranged!

They can read the true stories of Danites and such,
and then learn how the prophets were way out of touch.
They can read how much Joseph was really a nut,
then they'll know the false doctrines out there--so now what?"

And then Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Men, it is true,
I'm afraid that this time I don't know what to do.
Saying, 'That was a couplet!' did okay before;
but now I highly doubt it will work anymore.

'I don't know that we teach that' did good for a time,
but to use it once more wouldn't be worth a dime.
And so history we can no longer suppress,
'cause the 'net's put a quick stop to all that, I guess.

So now what is there left? what deception to ply?
Now we'd better think fast, or just kiss it goodbye!"
And then Dallin spoke up and said, "What will we do
when the members find out that the church isn't true?

And so now what comes next? Has our cover been blown?"
Then the men all looked down, their sad fate to bemoan.
As the fifteen thought hard, all their faces real grim,
they then knew at that time that their chances were slim.

So the men got to thinking but came up with naught
'cept a horrible scene of a tithing boycott.
And then just at that point, things did get really bright,
And then just as you'd guess, the apostles took fright.

Then the glow in the room coalesced to the shape
of a six-foot tall man who looked strong as an ape.
See, the sudden appearance took all by surprise,
so they trembled, then coughed, then they squinted their eyes.

So what was this strange specter they had to deal with?
Why, it's none other than the ghost of Joseph Smith!
"Holy cow!" Said the prophet. "This is a bombshell!
'Cause we all thought for sure you were burning in Hell!"

Then Joe said, "I should smack you, now show me respect
since I stared your church--it is what I expect.
Now, I've come here to help you out of this fine fix,
'cause you know that when living, I was full of tricks.

When the members find something exposing the Morg,
just you don't worry none 'bout dot-com or dot-org.
And so if they should find out the meat before milk,
just refer them to FARMS and to FAIR and their ilk.

You can say, 'That's not doctrine,' then watch their doubts fade.
Tell them 'he was misquoted,' then doubts are delayed!
'It was took out of context,' you can also say,
as you tell them to fast and you tell them to pray.

Those excuses work always; repeat them all when
any member returns to his doubting again."
"That's a real good idea!" Boyd Packer did shout,
"Yes, this spin-doct'ring surely will bail us all out!"

Joseph Smith cracked a smile, then he quick turned around,
'cause he knew he'd imparted a lesson profound.
And no more would the Brethren be worried at all,
'cause there wasn't a doubt that they couldn't forestall.

And then Joseph yelled out, "I have got to move on;
I have sev'ral young women to bang before dawn!
On Fanny! On Zina! And on Helen Mar!
On Lucy! On Patty!" (so many there are!)

The apostles were grateful, of that you could tell,
For this timely advice that went over so well.
And they heard Joe exclaim ere departing forthwith:
"MERRY SMITHMAS TO ALL, AND LONG LIVE JOSEPH'S MYTH!"

On the first day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the second day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the third day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the fourth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the fifth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the sixth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the seventh day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 7 Lamanites a'leaping, 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the eighth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 8 Paul H. Dunn baseball cards from Mark Hoffman, 7 Lamanites a'leaping, 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the ninth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 9 clever couplets, 8 Paul H. Dunn baseball cards from Mark Hoffman, 7 Lamanites a'leaping, 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the tenth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 10 changed revelations, 9 clever couplets, 8 Paul H. Dunn baseball cards from Mark Hoffman, 7 Lamanites a'leaping, 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 11 percent tithing, 10 changed revelations, 9 clever couplets, 8 Paul H. Dunn baseball cards from Mark Hoffman, 7 Lamanites a'leaping, 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

On the twelfth day of Christmas the Mormons gave to me 12 old fart apostles, 11 percent tithing, 10 changed revelations, 9 clever couplets, 8 Paul H. Dunn baseball cards from Mark Hoffman, 7 Lamanites a'leaping, 6 more wives, 5 points of fellowship, 4 jello salads, 3 Nephites appearing, 2 elders knocking and a subscription to Playelder Magazine.

Here's wishing you and yours a happy holidays from the many absurdities of the LDS Church!!!

Am I the only person who realized as an adult that Santa Claus is a very convenient way for LDS leaders to ease kids into the religion?

Think of Santa Claus as a starter myth. It's easy for kids to understand. You behave, you get something. It's easy to get kids to behave if you get them used to being rewarded in the future. They get rewards every Christmas.

Now, let them figure out Santa ain't all he's cracked up to be, but replace him with Jesus. If you behave, you'll see us in the Celestial kingdom! If you don't, you get a lump of coal - which you can burn when you get to hell.

Hmmmm. Too many coincidences here.

He's going to reward you.

He's got a beard.

He's coming down from the sky.

He's got disciples/reindeer.

He's got little elves/missionaries watching you/bishop interviewing you for a temple recommend.

I think kids are too broken-hearted when they learn the truth behind the myth of Santa Claus that they want to keep believing in something. Voila! Bring in Jesus. I think both of these great people are being used by the LDS church.

It just ain't right!

I have had a vision!

This is almost too sacred to talk about, but the messenger made it clear I was to spread the word.

This morning, as I stood in my bathroom, naked and scratching my ass, I looked out the window to see what sort of day it might be. At that very moment, a rabbit hopped from the thicket and onto my lawn. I kid you not. A rabbit! On Easter morning! I knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, it was the Easter Bunny!

The Easter Bunny just sat there, looking at me. I wondered aloud, "Why have you shown yourself unto me, O Great Easter Bunny? What is Your message?"

There was no reply, but I was suddenly overcome with a powerful craving for chocolate eggs. "Yes," I thought, "I will eat them in remembrance of You. Is there anything more You require of me?"

The Easter Bunny was silent but radiated peace, love and acceptance. He then hopped around the side of the house and was gone.

So, there you have it, brothers and sisters: eat chocolate eggs in remembrance of the Easter Bunny and you will have peace, love and acceptance. That is my message and promise.

On the worst day of Smithmas, Tommy Monson sent to me
A pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the second coming of Smithmas, Boydie Packer sent to me Two gay seagulls,
and a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the third day of Smithmas, Jimmy Faust sent to me The Three Nephites, Two gay elders,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Smithmas, Nealy Maxwell sent to me Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Smithmas, Gordy Hinckley sent to me Five "I don't know thats,"
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Smithmas, Dally Oaks gave to me Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Smithmas, Robby Hales gave to me Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Smithmas, L. Tommy Perry gave to me Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Smithmas, Davey Haight gave to me Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Smithmas, my Russy Ballard gave to me Ten tribes a-losing,
Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Smithmas, Jeffey Holland gave to me Eleven ear rings piercing,
Ten tribes a-losing,
Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Smithmas, Hanky Erying gave to me Twelve dummers dumming,
Eleven ear-rings piercing,
Ten tribes a-losing,
Nine ladies lap-dancing,
Eight MIA-maids a-milking,
Seven PR's a-spinning,
Six G.A.'s a-lying,
Five "I don't know thats."
Four gauling words, The Three Nephites, two gay seagulls,
And a pompous ass in a pear tree.

The Secret Combinations of Santa Claus

This story was created on the Off Topic board at www.exmormon.org with contributions by the following posters: LauraD., ExMormonRon, Island, redpill, Sena, RichardP., Makurosu and Ron G.

Deep in the heart of the North Pole, Mrs. Santa Claus sat warming her cold fingers near the fireplace in the small cottage she shared with her husband. It was almost time for the holiday that millions of people look forward to all year but this year was different. Something was amiss. As Mrs. Claus, we'll call her Ruth, sat by the fire she was heavy in thought. The letter she received yesterday disturbed her and she couldn't get the words out of her head. She had never heard of the Relief Society and didn't know why they mailed her a letter. She pulled the letter out of her vest pocket and began to read:

Dear Mrs. Ruth Claus,

We, the sisters of the Relief Society invite you to attend our annual green and red jello pre-Christmas Party to be held in the Beehive House in Salt Lake City next Saturday. Please bring a chastity belt and some KY Jelly as we will be enjoying A "fear factor" themed Christmas party complete with 150 year old eggnog made by Joseph Smith himself! Also we will be singing the twelve wives of Christmas, looking through the Victoria's Secret catalogue to guess which models are on prozac, and we will be playing a new game called the Temple Hokey Pokey and naked Twister, in our holy garments of course. We do hope you will join us on this festive night.

Sincerely,
Your Sisters in the Gospel

Ruth thought the Jello was tempting because she was looking for new recipes. Those elves may be small but they're big eaters. She didn't understand the chastity belt or the KY jelly. "Chastity belt?" She thought to herself, "what did I do with that thing? Ah yes, I remember, we used it on Rudolph last year to keep him from acting like a cocky little piss-ant. Santa nearly had a hernia trying to keep him under control with the does. He wanted to castrate the poor dear and Ruth had talked him out of it. Those reindeer and elf and elfette cheerleaders with their skimpy little skirts always playing their hanky panky games with one another. 'It's a wonder any work gets done around here,' she thought to herself.

Ruth put her full length white fake fur coat, snow boots and gloves on and headed for the door. She pulled the hood up over her abundant blond hair and pulled her golden straight locks around to hang down the front of her like a Heidi. The cold wind blew snow into the cottage as she opened the door and she braced herself and headed for the Elf Shed to give the little horn dogs a good talking to.

Also she wanted to find Santa and ask him about Salt Lake surely he has been there and would know what went on there and what to expect. She wanted to attend the Christmas party and make many knew friends – she always liked making friends. Her thought of new friendships was quickly deflated when she opened the Elf shed door. The elves were nowhere to be found but she found Santa laying in the hay passed out with a bottle in his hand. Indeed, his cheeks were red and he was definitely merry. "Wake up you lush," Ruth screamed with a voice that could shatter icicles. Santa sat up immediately and grabbed his head in pain. The moaning and groaning coming from the inebriated Santa didn't soften Ruth's heart. "I received a letter from Salt Lake City today, inviting me to some Jello ball. I know you've been to Salt Lake. I'm thinking of going because it gets really lonely up here and the elves aren't very good company. What should I expect?"

Santa's eyes got big and he stammered a bit, "Um...well...Salt Lake you say? Oh yeah, they never leave me cookies they always leave me Rice Krispy Treats and never any carrots...*hiccup*...for the reindeer. Sommsofbishes...*burp*. Women, lots of women."

"What women?" asked Ruth sternly.

"Well...” ShlooshhhhhKABANG, %#*?#!$..heheheheheheheheheh At that very moment they heard a loud shlooshing noise followed by a thunderous KABANG, then came some very choice words along with joyful and raucous giggling. The heavy layer of snow that had built up on the tin roof of the building, broke free and slid heavily to the ground.

The impact roused Santa to his senses and he looked up pleadingly at Ruth, his bleary eyes filled with alarm, "Oh no, I can't find my keys to the sleigh", he struggled to search his pockets with no avail. "You didn't, please tell me you didn't!", Ruth moaned in disgusted disbelief, casting her eyes back to the sodden figure of Santa trying to free himself from the hay, as she scrambled out the door and headed around the back, to survey the damage. Mirthful, chortling filled the brisk, arctic air.

Well Santa, looks like we have ourselves a chimney problem. If you'd just done what I asked and got that chimney sweep fella out here, then I wouldn't be staring at this pile of bricks here.

Ruth grabbed a brick and slung one at Santa, and knocked him clear between the eyes. "Well why don't you ever listen to me? Santa? Get up. I’m talking to you. I can't run this place all by my self. We need to get Rudolph to a couch stat! He's over-compensating with the females because the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names! That's not good for any psyche. Also I'm concerned about the mall help. Somebody started a vicious rumor that Santa is an anagram for Satan and now mothers everywhere are drop kicking Santas and elves across the mall! Some of the Santas are talking law suites. Now that we're done talking all about you and your business, let's talk about me! I need a trip out of this frozen holly jolly Hell!”

"Whoa ho ho...wait a minute, you little ho ho ho." Santa grabbed his head. He didn't know if it was the brick or just her mouth that was causing his head to split in two. Mrs. Clause number three...he should have been a little more selective. If he hadn't been drinking and met her at Bar Sinister, the best goth hangout in Hollywood. Goddamn she looked fine in that red mini with those big-boned legs and that leather bustier that pushed her fleshy breasts up into her chin. Ah, if he could only go back to that night and not have passed out in her cleavage.

"Look Ruth, one thing at a time. What was that noise on the roof anyway?" Looking down at the brick in his hand he wrinkled his brow and said, "How in the hell did that happen?"

"Well, let's put the pieces of the puzzle together, shall we? No elves working, Santa passed out in the hay from drinking, keys to sleigh missing, crash into chimney above...are you getting this or should I break it down for you a little more?" Ruth was getting angrier by the minute as she watched Santa slowly put the pieces together.

"Those fucking elves. They set me drunk and took the sleigh!"

"Nice try but I'm not buying it this time. Who do you know in Salt Lake City?"

"Well, let's not be too blunt about it Ruth. What are you implying - that I've been messing around with all those Mormon women and what’s this?”

"What's that under the hay?!!" Ruth cried out in alarm interrupting Santa's awkward explanation. She reached into the hay and pulled out a shiny brand-new Book of Mormon!

"You know it's really a very good religion.." Santa began to explain. "And real estate is really very reasonable in Utah."

"You can't be seriously thinking of moving!" Ruth said in disbelief.

"Just for the summer... The summers are nice in Utah.." Santa argued. Santa grabbed the Book of Mormon from Ruth. "Look Ruthy, the prophet personally offered to take us around and show us some of his favorite spots in Utah. He's really a funny guy once you get to know him. He even told me that one time he and his wife showed up at a random member's house and had these two members convinced that they had been chosen to be sacrificed at the temple by midnight that night. HO! HO! HO! And they were willing to go! That Gordman is a rascal. He said they taped the whole gag. They do shit like that all the time! Wanna see it? He burned me a CD of it. Oh, that's not all he gave me either.” He pulled off his red velvet cap and replaced it with a bakers hat, he looked up at Ruth giving her his 3/4 profile and best grin. Something started to lurk in the back of Ruth's mind.

"Hmm, honey, nice", she said, "But, I don't think anyone will recognize you in that hat".

Santa wasn't thinking about his work, his mind was preoccupied with thoughts of the paradise-like celestial kingdom and young, beautiful wives without end. Yes, Gordman was right, he thought, he had spent his whole life bringing joy to the rest of the world, where was his joy? When was he going to have peace and happiness? Surely, it was true that he was the most saintly of men, after all, he was SANTA CLAUS!

Ruth had a strange, queasy feeling in her stomach looking at the atypical smugness that she now saw lurking on her husband's face. Hmmm....now where had she seen that look before? On the faces of those pesky Jehovah's Witnesses! "That's it!", she cried, "The mormons are a cult!".

“But what about Naomi? Yes, but what about Naomi?" Ruth mumbled aloud to herself. "That poor Jehovah's Witness girl trapped inside a cult just like the Mormons. I hope someday she'll see the light."

"Ah ha, then you admit it; I am right!?"

A confused Ruth replied, "Right? Right about what?"

"That Mormons do make great costumes and we need to drive down to Salt Lake to get some more. I'll tell you what, why don't I drive you down there to the ball and while you're there I will go and buy some more funky elf costumes. It's about time those pesky elves change their rags." Santa stood with a smile on his face hoping to convince Ruth of his plan. He was hoping that she wouldn't see through his feeble excuse to go to Salt Lake and just agree with him. This was a great opportunity for him to see the Gilgal Garden. Santa had heard of the Gilgal Garden, but his friend Gordman seemed hesitant to take him there. He knew Ruth was already suspicious of his motives and he wasn't going to ruin his plan by explaining he wanted to visit a park dedicated to the dead cult leader Joseph Smith.

Ruth squinted her eyes at him, since when has he cared what those elves look like? She thought. "Of course, if you expect them to work the public, they can't go about with holes in the crotches of their britches!", she said, knowing it was her job to make sure decency prevailed and thus it must be her idea to buy them new Christmas costumes. The elves had a tendency to goose one another on every possible occasion, it was sort of how they said hello, and it caused a bit of wear and tear on their little elf pants.

"Ho ho ho" said Santa, knowing that he was going to get his way. Now there was the little problem about the sleigh and Ruth went over to survey the damage. The elves had crash landed the sleigh into the chimney of the little shed. They were unharmed, but had giggled themselves out and were now lolling about in the snow and wreckage of the sleigh. Ruth approached Ariel, the usual ring leader and the only one of the bunch with any mechanical skills. "Just what the hell happened?", Ruth asked as she stood over the petite and redheaded elf.

Ariel, still out of breath from the giggle fest replied,
"We’s were flying most divine
and we’s were doin' just fine
until the zetazetazeta mechanism did explode
and Is had to steer her in glide mode,
we’s missed the roofs you see but
we’s hit the chimneys".

Ariel let out a little shrug, as if she had been asked to state the obvious. Ruth really didn't know anything about the zetazetazeta mechanism, it had been a gift from Robert Heinlein back in the 80s and allowed Santa to travel the Santa-believing world over in a single night. Prior to receiving the miraculous quantum time/space machine Santa had employed Q, the pompous time traveler from the future, to make sure the gifts arrived on time. Q's self-absorbed attitude always put a bit of a damper on the merriment.

"Ariel, don't give me any excuses," said Ruth sternly. "I want this mess cleaned up and the sled fixed up by tomorrow. Santa and I are driving down to Salt Lake to get you elves some new clothes and..."

"Salt Lake you say?" interrupted a concerned Ariel. The elf’s eyes got big and darted back and forth in fear and the elf began to whimper. "Don't make me go with you, please. I beg of you. I'll do anything, just don't make me go."

"You're the head elf, who else am I supposed to take? You've always helped Santa and you love going on trips so why shouldn't we take you? Is there something you're not telling me?"

Ariel tried to speak but couldn't find the words. The look of fear on the face of the elf stirred Ruth's heart. "What could have happened to this poor little dear elf?" she thought to herself.

Ariel tried to speak again, "I...I...it was...awful."

"Go on honey, you can tell me."

"I saw....I saw....Gordon B. Hinckley in his garments. There I said it, now please don't make me go with you."

Ruth watched as the elf walked away and felt something was very wrong. How did the elf see Gordon in his garments? There must be something going on that Santa doesn't want known. Ruth decided she'll play along to find out what happened in Salt Lake City. She had her hunches and she felt that maybe there was more than the hokey pokey goin’ on.

Ruth knew about the magical Mormon underwear from the research she had done on cults. Ever since meeting Naomi, the Jehovah's witness and finding that the girl didn't celebrate Christmas or any of the traditional holidays, Ruth had been keenly aware of the power cults had over people. She was disturbed that Ariel had been put into such a compromising position with the old prophet as to have seen his underwear. The elves were a naturally sensual lot and being magical creatures and all, they didn't have any of the reservations that humans had regarding body parts and physical contact, as far as they were concerned it was all good, but they usually kept it amongst themselves.

At that moment, Ariel's best friend, Lolita came scurrying up to meet her as she walked away from Ruth. Lolita, who looked just like a miniature version of Rebecca Ramon Stamos, flung her arms around her friend and said, "I'm not going either, that Gordman guy is indecent!". Ariel hugged her friend as well, and looked lovingly into her eyes, "We don't have to go, we just need to fix the sleigh, come on!". So they headed back to the elf shed to pick up Ariel's tools.

Meanwhile, Santa had snuck off to a secret room, in his North Pole operation, to check on the Elves progress on the deluxe editions of Mormon Quads. He'd made a deal with the Gordman and he intended to keep it! Santa checked over his shoulder as he walked to his secret room. In the distance he could hear the sound of the elves working on the sleigh, arguing with Ruth and giggling as they goosed each other. When he reached the entrance to his hideaway he took one last peek over his shoulder to make sure nobody was following him. He moved the piece of wood that covered the Hand Reader Thingy and placed his palm onto the device that could read only his hand. It let out a beep and the heavy steel door opened. Inside the room, lay the secret combinations that he and the Gordman had come up with. He leaned over the desk to look over the papers and let out a sigh. "Just one more thing to set in place and the plan can be put into action", he thought to himself. Suddenly, he felt a tapping on his right shoulder and he froze in the spot where he stood.

"I knew something was going on," came an all too familiar voice from behind. "Did you think you could get away with it? I'm much smarter than that you know. You and your secrets plans, pffft! I won't let you get away with this, you know! I'm taking you down old St. Nick and that little henchman of yours too."

Santa turned around to face his accuser, "Moroni! Hey, so what brings you up here? It's been a while hasn't it?" Santa let out nervous giggles which only pissed off Moroni more.

"You know why I'm here; don't play games with me boy! I've come for your Bette Midler collection of autographed CD’s, photos and other memorabilia you had listed on Ebay. Very funny, after I sent you 2 gold plates for payment and you sent me nothing!. Now hand ‘em over!"

Santa was surprised that Moroni had caught up with him. Now Moroni is aware of his time machine. Gordon is going to be so pissed. Afterall, Gordon wanted to go back in time to fetch the goldplates before Moroni could return them. "Drat!", said Santa. "Hey Macaroni look.."

"It's Moroni you moron!" Moroni grabbed for his steel sword but Santa pointed towards Moroni's crotch.

Moroni realized he had forgotten to put on his loin cloth. He had left in such a hurry. Distracted, Santa was able to push Moroni off balance. Santa then jumped back into the time machine and quickly flew back to Palmyra New York where he landed in the woods of some dumb hick. It was a crash landing and the machine caught a few trees on fire. Staggering out of the machine and blowing smoke out of his mouth Santa said, "Oops, did I do that?" Grumbling under his breath and staggering through the woods he came upon someone kneeling on the ground and muttering some incoherent nonsense.

"Hey, you there." No answer. "Hey! Yoo-hoo, hell-lo." Still no answer. With a swift kick to the side of the head Santa screamed, "HEY YOU DUMBASS. ARE YOU DEAF?" and the person toppled over onto the ground. Just then a pillar of light as bright as the noon day sun shown over head and descended upon Santa. Out of the brightness a voice spoke saying “Replace this piece of trash before he bilks billions out the wallets of hard working individuals.”

"Who me?" Santa asked. He fell to his knees and prostrated himself. "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy," he cried out.

"You are the spirit of generosity. You will lead the people of this great country into the shopping centers and gift them with a spirit to be giving and kind and to love one another."

With Santa still prone in the snow another sound and light erupted. It was Moroni. He kicked Santa in the rear and Santa landed face first in the snow hitting his forehead on a boulder and passed out. Moroni grabbed Joseph Smith and shook him by his purple and gold silk amazing Belshazzar cape and turban.

"Wake up you idiot!" Moroni shouted at Joseph Smith. Joseph woke just in time to see the blinding brightness of God fade in disgust.

Back at the Pole:

Ruth looked in her closet to pick out what to wear to the party. She knew they were a conservative bunch. She selected her black leather mini skirt and thigh high stiletto boots that she ordered from the Fredericks of Hollywood catalog. Now for the top...She held up a long sleeve see through lace blouse with flounces at the bottom of the sleeves and ruffles that plunged down her neck line. 'This should do nicely,' she thought to her self, 'I'll just wear my good red push up bra from Victoria's Secret underneath. Now if Santa would just get a move on so we can blow this popsicle stand.'

While Ruth was growing impatient, she decided she would sip on a bourbon on the rocks and take a nap. "When I wake up, Santa better be here or else he is in the elfhouse! Although he seems to like it in the elfhouse."

Meanwhile, in another time and another distant place.. Santa was in some serious shit. He had some sort of hallucination, that he'd seen that Jesus fella. Two of them in fact. "I think I bumped my head in that crash."

But then he snapped back to strange reality when he realized that Moroni was repeatedly smacking that Joseph Smith fella in the face. "I'm telling you, come with me. You don't know who I am right now, but I'm an angel, I swear. And I have a master plan that you are a part of!"

Joseph looked perplexed and kinda dumb for that matter. Not a very bright kid. But then Joseph got really excited when he saw the plump man with rosy cheeks dressed in a red suit. "Who.. who are you?" And Joseph fell to his knees muttering that he wasn't worthy.

“I, I don’t know. But I think your supposed to bilk billions from the wallets of hard working individuals." Santa rubbed his forehead, there was a big red goose egg on it and Joseph looked at it blinking in consternation.

A flash of recognition came to Moroni and he released Joseph and stood back and watched with delight.

"Of course!" Joseph began to dance around gleefully with his hands reaching out above him. His amazing Belshazzar cape twirled as it filled with air. "The goose that lay-ed the golden egg!" He shouted. "I'll start my own religion!" He stopped suddenly and rubbed his chin in thought, "Those uppity high class chicks that I can't get a date with are going to be flocking to my door!"

While he felt some apprehension Santa was glad to see that the angel Moroni was distracted. That queen wanted his Bette Midler collection! He and Gordman had planned to go back in time and dig up the gold plates before they landed into the hands of Joe Smith. In this they could prevent his gross misinterpretation and the ensuing gross religion.

Now, of course that plan had been brought to naught, funny thing about events and time travel really...something that Hawkings fellow had said came to mind. Santa shrugged his shoulders at fate and raced back to the time machine, he set the controls to return to Ruth. Being on time for a date with that hot little mama was one thing he could control! In the meantime, Moroni filled Joseph in on the details.

Meanwhile, in a secret granite vault deep beneath the Wasatch mountains: Packman, dressed as Mrs. Claus, was furiously tugging at the smokestack of his little factory.

"Die kittens, die!" he gasped, as he rubbed himself raw.

His tiny factory, glowing as red as his outfit, refused to yield it's liquid treasure to his steadily weakening strokes. In fact, it had been some years since "Little Boyd" had functioned properly at all, in spite of the special efforts Packman made to pleasure himself.

He often spent hours in his subterranean hideaway working on his hair, clothing and makeup - surrounded by full length mirrors and thinking back to the most powerful sexual experience of his long, dreary life - as he admired his reflection from all angles.

To his dying day he would remember that evening, so many years ago, when as a young missionary he first beheld the splendid Ruth, in all of her blazing arctic glory.

Was that a Van Gogh self-portrait? Ruth sputtered and coughed as she awoke. The elves had put up the new painting while she slept. She stood and walked over to the portrait. It was indeed a Van Gogh and the real thing too not a fake. She had a sweet deal with this marriage.

She decided to dress and get ready for the party. The finished product was polished. Black leather mini skirt and thigh high stiletto boots, a lace top with her jewel encrusted apple red bra shining through. She pulled her hair back and tied it in a low figure eight chignon at the base of her neck and applied some deep red lip stick to her full lips. She made her eyes smoky. She looked like a sexual suspect ready to hit the streets of Hollywood.

She looked in the full length mirror and began to gyrate her hips and sing to her self, "She's so fine there's no tell'n where the money went. She's so fine there's no other way to go. something, something, something..... She used to look good to me, but now I find her....simply irresistible!"

She heard the sleigh bells outside, "Everything must be ready to go she thought," She grabbed her full length white fake fur coat from the edge of the bed and ran to the door.

Oops, Ruth almost forgot. She ran quickly to the basement and peered down into the huge pit in the center of the floor. She put a bottle into a nearby bucket and lowered it down into the pit. "Hey you...wake up!"

Down in the pit was Thomas S. Monson. Although Ruth had no idea who he was. He was an early Christmas present for her from Santa. "Say it!" Ruth screamed.

Monson grabbed the bottle.. cracked it open and proceeded to dab the stuff on him.

"Say it!" Ruth screamed again.

Monson finally cooperated.. "Okay okay! It will put on the lotion. IT WILL PUT ON THE LOTION!!!"

Ruth pulled up the bucket and looked around at her fine leathers she had hanging about on drying racks. She skipped merrily out of the room and headed outside to greet Santa.

Sleigh bells jingling, icicles tingling...”Home at last,” Santa sighed. He was beat. This had been a very exhausting day and it wasn't over yet. He reached up to feel the knot on his head and winced, that moron Moroni was going to...just then he saw Ruth flying out of the door and she was a vision to behold.

Her hair glistened as did her gem encrusted bra and her incredible body had just the right amount of bounce as she ran to greet him. All of his fatigue melted away when she wrapped her arms around him and kissed his lips. "Thank you, thank you, thank you" she gushed. She pulled her face back to smile at him and issue forth more murmurings of gratitude for the painting he had commissioned.

Her exuberance turned to concern when his face came into focus and she saw the lump on his forehead. "Oh my poor darling; what happened?" she implored. "I'll tell you later", Santa replied, he wasn't altogether sure himself about the events that had just transpired.

"Are you sure you're going to be ok? We can stay home if you like. We really don't need to go into Salt Lake for that silly old Jello Ball anyway."

"No. No, no, no, we must go, I insist. I'll drop you off and I'll run some...erm...errands and be back at 9 sharp to pick you up. Let me go and freshen up and I'll be right back."

Ruth sensed something was wrong, very wrong. It wasn't another woman as she first thought, no, there was something sinister afoot and she had to find a way to get to the bottom of this without getting caught by Santa. "I think I'll pretend to walk in the building and as soon as he's gone I'll follow him. Maybe I can get some of the Magic Elf Dust to help me orb back and forth. He'll never notice me," she thought to herself. "Oh Ariel," she called in a sing-songy voice, "I have a favor to ask you."

The sleigh touched down in front of the Salt Lake temple promptly at 7:00 pm Ruth and Santa stepped out of the sleigh and walked to the doors. There was a note posted for Ruth and the doors were locked.

Dear Ruth:

We knew that you would not be worthy to tread the holy ground of our Lard, so out of consideration to you we have moved our party to yada,yada ward.

"Can you believe these people?" Ruth cussed under her breath. "Who do they think they are anyways?"

Santa chuckled and shrugged his shoulders, "Well, you wanna go or wanna blow?" Santa asked apprehensively.

"Oh I'm going all right! I want to check this out!" Ruth glanced sideways at Santa and saw the relief cross his face. She smirked and snorted as she wondered what he was up to.

They drove the sleigh to the ward where the party was being held and walked through the doors. Ruth held her fur coat in her arms and she looked trashy splendid. An old coot dressed in a black suit and white shirt greeted the two of them. He looked Ruth up and down noticing her choice of under garments. He looked visibly shocked and disgusted.

"What's the matter with you? Did the dog pee on your rice crispy treats?" Ruth asked sarcastically.

Santa threw his head back and laughed. 'She was a hellcat with vinegar,' he thought to himself. But maybe, just maybe he had been wrong. One Ruth was worth ten of what Gordo wanted to trade him for. Besides that old geezer couldn't handle Ruth. She'd kick the magic undies out of him and put him in an early grave.

Historical or Hystertical Jesus

Christians mistakenly quote the Gnostic writings as proof of a real Jesus. In fact, the Gnostic movement was all about Jesus NOT being a historical figure, but a spiritual guide and myth, much like Dionysus and other ancient religious heroes. These references are from mythical STORIES of Jesus. They are not literall history. Just like the story "Twas the Night Before Christmas" describes the appearance of Santa Claus and him winking his eye, so too, Gnostic authors told stories about Jesus. But just like the New Testament, they are inspiring stories, not historical accounts.

If you disagree and insist that the Gnostic texts are true, literall history, then why are they not part of any modern Christian scripture? And why do the gnostic texts so strongly contradict the Christian creeds? Up until now, Christians have not claimed that the Gnostic texts are fact. Modern Christian (and non-christian) scholars agree with the authors of the gnostic texts that they are mythical writings and should not be taken literally.

CONCLUSION:

Suprisingly, the above "evidences" are all the best hopes for a historical Jesus. And all of them have been thuroughly researched by scholars and found lacking as proof of a historical Jesus. The only people still using such known fake references and mythical gnostic stories are those who ignore the many hard evidences that the life of Jesus is an allegory.

The time of Jesus' alleged life was an extremely literate period in Human history. Here are a list of known writers who wrote at or within a century of the time Jesus is said to have lived:

Arrian, Pliny the Elder, Martial, Petronius, Appian, Plutarch, Seneca, Juvenal, Apollonius, Dion Preseus, Theon of Smyrna, Pausanias, Valerius Flaccus, Damis, Ptolmy, Florus Lucius, Silius Italicus, Dio Chrysostom, Quintilian, Aulus Gellius, Hermogeones, Favorinus, Statius, Lysias, Lucanus, Columella and Valerius Maximus.

The works of these writers would be enough to fill a library, but NOT ONE OF THEM refers to Jesus. Pretty damn suspicious.

Also, the Romans were obsessed with records and histories, yet there is no mention of a historical Jesus. It could be argued that Roman literature that mentioned Jesus has been lost over time. But surely any such texts would have been carefully preserved by the Roman Church once it held power in the Empire. Not only this, but it is safe to assume that well-educated early Christians, such as Justin Martyr, would have quoted these text in support of Christianity, but they DO NOT. A historical Jesus is missing from ALL the writing of the time, even though writing about historical people was common.

Like countless scholars who have made this quest before, there is no real evidence of a historical Jesus.

Now think about the implications this has for Mormonism...

"'Twas At Night Before Bedtime": A Tribute to Deconstructor's Santa Posts

'Twas at night, before bedtime,
And all through the house
Not a brain wave was stirring,
The thinking's gone south.

Pictures of Jesus were hung
On the wall,
In hopes that the Lord
Would soon save them all.

The children were praying
Right next to their beds,
While visions of angel wings
Danced in their heads.

And Ma with her scriptures,
And I with my beads,
Were looking to heaven
To meet all our needs.

When out in the world
There arose such a clatter
Of wars in God's name,
But none of that matters.

Away to the Lord’s word,
I flew like a flash,
Tore up the newspaper,
The TV, we trashed.

The light shining down on the wicked below
Gave the chosen of God front row seats to the show,
When what to my closed, blindered eyes should appear
But the Lord God himself with his message of fear.

A loud, angry white guy,
Laying guilt on so thick,
I knew it was hopeless,
We were fallen and sick.

More rabid than bats,
His servants they came,
And he bellowed and scowled as he called them by name:

“Now, John Paul! Now, Packer!
Now, Hinckley and Oaks!
On, Ezra! On, Maxwell!
Destroy wicked folks!

"To the top of the wall
Around Temple Square,
From the dome of St. Peter’s
Sinners, beware!!!"

As dry leaves before the wild Jesus freaks fly,
When they see Mormon elders come bicycling by,
So, up to the doorstep they came, two-by-two,
With a bag full of tracts, and salvation for you.

And then came the "ding-dong"--they stood there, aloof,
With Bibles and Mormon--and no shred of proof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Into my house barged the Pope with a bound.

He was wearing a dress and a tall, pointy hat,
Right next to him, Hinckley, that slick Cheshire cat.
A bundle of dogma they had flung on their backs,
And they looked like a burglar, come in to ransack.

Hinckley’s eyes, how they shifted! His temples, how very
Much like Catholic cathedrals: expensive, be wary!
Their droll little mouths were drawn up in a grin,
Then Pope said to Prophet, “Well, where to begin?”

The clump of a wafer John held in his hand,
And Gordon wore garments, the nylon-mesh brand,
They had a broad face, but that’s as far as it went,
No broads were allowed to pass sacrament.

They were chubby and plump, right jolly old elves,
Thanks to your money, so proud of themselves.
A wink of their eye and a warning: “You’re dead,
If you don’t come to Jesus,” soon filled me with dread.

Having spoken God’s word, they went straight to their work,
Told me to repent, said, “Don’t be a jerk,”
Then laying his fingers alongside his rosary,
The Pope spoke in Latin, what it meant--I don’t knowsary.

They sprang to their limo, to their team gave a nod,
And away they both flew, like they thought they were God,
And Gordon exclaimed as they drove out of sight,
“You’re such silly fools, but thanks, and good night!”

Top Ten Reasons I Believe There Is a Santa Claus (edited)

10. My parents taught me Santa Claus was real and they wouldn't have lied to me.

9. I grew up believing in Santa and it has always worked for me, even though I have been mad at Santa for a few years when I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas.

8. The Christmas season is growing longer every year and there is no greater holiday on Earth than the one with Santa Claus. That many people can't be wrong.

7. Santa's miracles have been widely documented, including the miracle on 34th Street, which has been corroborated by several movie versions.

6. The positive energy of believing in Santa Claus is real and effective. When I hear someone say that there is no Santa, I feel a negative vibe. Christmas without Santa has only fleeting, momentary value. On the contrary, when I hear a Santa story, I get a good feeling inside.

5. One year when I was a kid I sat on Santa's lap at the Mall and pulled on his beard and it was real. I asked him for a train set and that's what I got for Christmas. Things happen at Christmastime that seem to be a direct result of Santa's intervention.

4. The complexity and enormity of Santa Claus is beyond what anyone could have made up. The story is too bizarre and has too many historical coincidences to just be make-believe.

3. Both intelligent adults and pure-hearted children die believing in Santa Claus and people have been believing in Santa Claus for centuries, so how could it be just a myth?

2. There are presents under the tree on Christmas morning, just like Santa promised. We may not receive from him exactly what we wanted, but presents do appear under the tree on Christmas morning just like he said they would.

1. Christmas is illogical without Santa Claus and if I didn't believe in Santa, there would be nothing keeping me from living a life of total debauchery.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

It is my honor as the President of the recently formed “Church of Santa Claus of Latter Day elves” to announce that we will soon be able to accept tax deductible donations. While we are waiting for our 501(c)(3) status to be granted by the IRS, I thought I’d introduce our fine organization to the world via this forum of educated and enlightened individuals.

About 30 years ago or so, I had a wonderful experience that I just decided now that I would share with the world. Now, I understand that there are various versions of my story circulating out there, but never mind those, as this is the official version and I testify that it is true yea even the only true version of my story.

One cold winter’s night I was sitting in my room, confused about all the Santas that I saw in every store. How could Santa be in so many places at the same time? My young mind just couldn’t comprehend it. Surely, one of these Santas must be true. Just as I was thinking these thoughts, a red glow began to appear in my room, it got brighter and brighter until it seemed brighter than the noonday sun.

Just then I heard a voice “Rudolph, tone that light down!!” and there before me stood Santa Claus himself and his trusted Reindeer Rudolph. Rudolph with a twink of his eye and a glow of his nose turned to Santa and said: “ this is my rolly polly jolly ole friend Santa Claus himself, hear ye him”. Santa turned to me, his red cheeks all a glow, reflecting Rudolph’s nose. My beloved servant Bushman, what is wanted? Well, Santa, I’m so confused, there are so many Santas around, everywhere I look, here a Santa, there a Santa everywhere a Santa Santa. MY SON, his voice boomed, hear me say this, None of these Santas are true. They draw close to me with their fake beards and pillow stomachs, but their hearts are far from me. I AM THE ONLY TRUE SANTA.

They then proceedeth to tell me that I should organize the only true church of Santa on the face of the earth. That in fact I should restore to the earth that which has died away and has only become a myth. The true spirit of Santa shall reign again under my humble direction.

I was instructed that long ago the North Pole used to be right here in Central Florida. Yes, right here in Central Florida. There was snow and shit like that everywhere. Around 400 AD a great war had occurred here between the good elves and the bad elves and that Santa and his 12 reindeer had almost been destroyed and had to flee to an undisclosed location only now to reappear and restore his church. They had buried a record of their wars and peop