Relief Society Through the Years

Boyd Packer speaking at BYU Devotional 01/16/2007 courtesy of Provo Daily Herald: "Sometimes (holding to the rod) is so simple a thing as how you groom yourself," he said, later mentioning "girls who incessantly tease their hair so as to look like it hasn't been combed" as an example of poor grooming. "You will be safe if you look like, act like and groom like a Latter-day Saint," Packer said. "Lehi's dream of the iron rod has in it everything a young Latter-day saint needs to understand the test of life," Packer said. In the dream, Lehi sees people holding to an iron rod, attempting to walk to a tree of life, symbolizing the love of God. A "great and spacious building" deters those on the rod, and symbolizes a worldly lifestyle. Packer also sang to the students a song from his days at the institute of religion at Weber State: "Root-te-toot, Root-te-toot, we are the boys of the institute, we don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do."

One confused BYU student asked for clarification from the Honor Code office staff:

Is it holding the rod vs. teasing your hair, or is it teasing your rod while holding the hair. I'm sooooo confused. Which one gets me into the building? Its damned cold out here. - by SoCal Apostate

Still another BYU student gasping with quilt wondered:

Oh my God, I think I may have a problem. I think I may have teased my hair today but Im not sure. Does President Packer have a pamphlet or something on the subject so I can be sure I'm not sinning? - by Pete Dunn

A puzzled BYU alumunus:

What is it with Boyd K. & hair? In 1976, I was a missionary in Denmark & attended an area conference in Copenhagen for all the Scandinavian countries. SWK & other general authorities were there. We were very excited because Boyd K. was going to have a special meeting with just us missionaries. Our mission president really had us hyped up & convinced Boyd K. was going to give us the magic bullet to get the work moving.

Guess what Boyd K talked about? HAIR!! I shit you not! He had a larger drawing board & illustrated how missionaries should comb & cut thier hair. He even had Elders stand up as examples.

Yes siree, if only we'd have combed our hair the Lards way many more Danes would have been saved!

What a farce! - by Travis

Like many of the posters here, I worked my damn butt off for the church. I rarely heard a thankyou from a church leader or a parent. Of course, I came away from each leadership mtg not feeling supported but always being told how we were falling short of the mark and needed to lengthen our stride. I have recently returned to the work force after 23 years of being a stay-at-home mom. I love my part-time job! Yesterday the district manager praised me for my performance. What did I do? I turned 10 shades of red and literally covered my face for a second with my hands. I realized at that moment how deprived of a positive word of praise and encouragement I had actually been for so many years. My tbm husband rarely acknowledges my abilities, my teens/grown kids are self-absorbed and don't look at me as anything but their mom, and after all those years of church service, I grew accustomed to never expecting any positive feedback. Isn't that sad?

But it's also wonderful to finally have my efforts recognized. I honestly believe that working outside the home is healthy for a women, and subsequently beneficial to a family - not detrimental (as church leaders preach).

I'm a people watcher. I can't get enough of it. This started on Sundays as a mormon, watching other mormons. I often felt I was treading water in a whirlpool of fake smiles on Sundays.

The Lord blesses those who serve Him, the faithful, the valiant, the stalwart, the good. Blessed saints need to show it by radiating a happy countanence.

I watched "happy" saints week after week and often pitied them, like I would actors caught in a bad stage production.

Did any of you feel compelled to act happy at church or around churchmembers when you were crying inside?

Did you feel that your smiles reflected to others how blessed you were?

Were some emotions considered more "saintly" than others?

Did you feel guilty about being sad, down, angry, or depressed?

Was there a prototype personaity more favored in your ward? Perhaps, outgoing? Exuberent? Energetic? Bouncy? Enthusiastic? Sparkling?

Did anyone tell you that "negative feelings" would drive away "the spirit?"

Did you think you'd be more acceptable to others at church if you "turned you frowns upside down?"

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I think the worst offenders are in the Relief Society! There is an attitude that you must assume the appearance of perfection at all times. Above all, women must make sure that the other sisters know how happy they are with their lives because it somehow indicates that they are living the gospel more perfectly than everyone else. The sad thing is, so very many of these women go home, take their fake Sunday smiles off their faces, and take antidepressants to deal with their often stressful and meaningless lives. The longer I am away from the church the more grateful I am that I can just live my life as I want and don't have to pretend to be something that I am not. - Julie

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I hated Sundays more than any day of the week--until I ditched the church.

I hated everything about "the Sabbath." The Mormon handshaking, backslapping, "How are you brother?" bullshit got old. Every Sunday was the same--get up, bicker with the family, put on a fake smile, and attend church.

I do not know what religion should entail, to be sure. But I do know the Mormon approach lacked any appeal at all. Long, dull lessons, sitting on folding chairs, or pews, taking Wonder Bread and warm tap water as a "sacrament," and being admonished by "leaders" never appealed. to me. That was not religion.

But you were expected to smile. How could you be unhappy in the chapel? - lightfingerlouie

__________

You don't dare let on how you REALLY feel.

You learn to plaster on the phony smile and answer "fine" if asked how you are. There's no way you can confide in anyone, even a friend. If you make the mistake of letting someone know you're not just dan-dan-dandy, even if you minimize it ("Oh, I'm a little down today. I'll be okay, though") the guilt is heaped upon you with a shovel full of sugar...

"Oh. Well. Hey, I was just talking to so-and-so [Sister So-and-So?] the other day. You know she lost her house in the tornado, her tropical disease has caused her teeth to fall out, her husband beats her with a thesaurus every day, and all her kids are really funny-looking, but you'd NEVER KNOW IT to talk to her... that girl is just so brave, she always has a smile on her face and has So. Much. Faith... Oh, yeah, what were you saying?"

OR, with a shovel full of good old fashioned mud--

"You know I saw this show on TV the other day, a renowned scientist and a team of doctors have discovered that depression is really selfishness and you know, they say psychopaths are often depressed because they are totally self-centered and there is no one in the world but them and their needs and they went on to say that if a person can't snap out of it by reaching out to other people and helping them by doing church duties they stand a good chance of becoming a serial killer or a homma-seck-shool or something like that. What? Huh? Oh, nonononoNO, hun! OF COURSE I didn't mean YOU! I was talking about a TV show! Gee, you're SO touchy..." - DoxiNoMo

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Cheryl wrote: "Did any of you feel compelled to act happy at church or around churchmembers when you were crying inside?"

Yes, and it really messed me up. I sometimes refer to this behavior as "bending and pretending"----"bending" to the meet the ridiculous social demands of the system and then "pretending" that everything's just absolutely wonderful. I get nauseated just thinking about it now.

That learned behavior not only affected my relationships at church, but has also affected my closest relationships and caused a lot of heartache. - Some Lady

I've lived in places where really useful things were taught...usually this was small more or less rural branches with rather liberal,local RS presidents...and we'd have lessons on how to handle finances, fix plumbing and do minor car repair, how to use professional sewing techniques to mass produce kids clothes (I had 4 in 7 years, so for me this was useful), in one place we were all sort of hippy types and taught ourselves gardening and herbal lore and how to make our own soap, candles, seitan, soy milk and so on, which can save a lot of $$$ if you'd otherwise be getting those things at a health food store.

At the other extreme I've lived in places where we've had RS presidencies who felt it was very vital that we do whatever their mom's and sister's wards were doing out west, so we made the ugly glass grapes for the coffee table, some extremely unattractive t-shirt things, and more dust catchers to hang on the wall than anyone could ever have enough wall space for.

Over 37 years in the church and more wards and branches than I care to count I developed a theory that you can tell what you're in for in a new place by looking at the table in the Relief Society room your first Sunday morning in town.

Lace Table Cloth and Tasteful Flower Arrangement seems to be mandatory. If the lace is crisp and freshly ironed and the flower arrangement is fresh and seasonal, you're in for the regulation program and can expect to be bored (although kindly) for the most part.

On the other hand, if the flower arrangement is non-seasonal and perhaps a little dusty and the tablecloth is a bit wrinkled from being in the closet all week, and if better yet the RS pres almost starts the meeting without remembering they exist, then-oops- hauls them out of the closet and whisks them on at the last minute then there's a fair chance that she has better things on her mind than appearances and you have half a chance of not losing you mind before the day is over.

I happen to adore just such RS presidents. Oddly, they seem at some point to "lose their testimonies" and leave the morg, but they manage to do some good while they're there. And I can't help believing that when they leave it falls under the category of "setting a good example".

LITTLE RED HEN:

BOK, BOK, BO, BOK! Who will help me do this visiting teaching?

DUCK: (WALKING FAST)

Quack, Quack! Not I said Sister Duck, My goodness with 8 ducklings to
take care of, I have swim team, quaking lessons and waddling classes for
all 8 of them. I have one ugly duckling and I’m working on his self
esteem. I’m exhausted all the time. Oh and please don’t send Sister Cow
to visit me, I’m afraid she’ll step on one of my children.

LITTLE RED HEN:

Who will help me do this visiting teaching??

COW:

MOOOOOOOO! Not I said Sister Cow. I”Ve been visiting Sister Duck but
with all those ducklings running around everywhere and all that
quacking, my nerves just can’t take it. I don’t want to visit her.

LITTLE RED HEN:

Who will help me do this visiting teaching??

PIG:

OINK, OINK , OINK! Not I said Sister Pig. I’ve been visiting Sister Goat
and she’s always in the dumps. She’s depressed about everything, it’s
not fun to visit her.

LITTLE RED HEN:

Then who will help me do this visiting teaching??

GOAT:

BLAAAAA! Oh not I said Sister Goat. Sister Sheep is my companion. She
takes no initiative to make appointments or give the lesson, she just
follows me around, I need someone with more enthusiasm.

SHEEP:

BAAAAAA! Not I either Little Red Hen. I don’t really think visiting
teaching is that important and besides Sister Sheep so sooooo bossy!

LITTLE RED HEN:

WHO WILL HELP ME DO THIS VISITING TEACHING?????

DOG:

ROOF, ROOF! Not I said Sister Dog. I visit Sister Cat, her immaculate
home intimidates me, why she’s always cleaning, I’m afraid I’ll leave a
paw print somewhere.

CAT:

MEOWWWWWW! Oh not I said Sister Cat. I don’t even want visiting
teachers, especially Sister Dog, she scares me.

LITTLE RED HEN: (Farmer Rich was played by the Bishop, dressed in
overalls, straw hat, holding a piece of wheat between his fingers , and
scriptures, when called he comes slowly walking into the Relief Society
room)

Farmer Rich farmer Rich!!! Whatever shall I do. I just know I can’t do
all this visiting teaching by myself!! ( STARTS TO CRY.)

FARMER RICH:

Now, now Sister Little. Let me talk to the Sisters: Sisters as your
barnyard leader I want to remind you about the time Sister Little asked
you to help her make bread. Remember how you all had some “IMPORTANT”
reason why you couldn’t help her. You all missed out on the blessing of
her delicious baking. Remember how you felt as you watched Sister Little
and her chicks eat all of that warm yummy wheat bread. Why this is the
very same thing, you will all miss out on the blessings of visiting
teaching and you will miss having made some wonderful new friends.

COW:

You’re right Farmer Rich. Perhaps I could watch Sister Ducks’ ducklings
at the pond and give her an hour to herself.

DUCK:

How thoughtful of you Sister Cow. That would be wonderful, I could
really use the break.

PIG:

Maybe all Sister Goat needs is friend. Someone to listen to her.

GOAT:

Perhaps I was a bit hasty, don’t change Sister Sheep and I yet.

SHEEP:

I’m sure we can work this out. After all I’m sure there is a lot I can
learn from Sister Goat.

GOAT:

I’ll make the appointments one month and you give the lesson and then
the next month you make the appointments and I’ll give the lesson.

DOG:

This is the first time I’ve heard that I scare Sister Cat. All this time
I thought she didn’t like me.

CAT:

Maybe I misjudged Sister Dog.

LITTLE RED HEN:

Oh thank you dear sisters! I know if we all work together we can watch
over each other and not one of our Sisters will be without a friend and
someone to help and love her.

FARMER RICH:

By the way Sister Little. I suggest you leave immediately, I hear
they’re serving chicken soup for lunch.

LITTLE RED HEN:

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE I’m outta here!!!!!

Here's what an LDS Prophet instructed men about loving their wives..

"You ought to love a woman only so far as she adorns the doctrine you profess; so far as she adorns that doctrine, just so far let your love extend to her. When will she be worthy of the full extent of your affection? When she has lived long enough to secure to herself a glorious resurrection and an eternal exaltation as your companion, and never until then.

"Elders, never love your wives one hair's breadth further than they adorn the Gospel, never love them so but that you can leave them at a moment's warning without shedding a tear. Should you love a child any more than this? No. Here are Apostles and Prophets who are destined to be exalted with the Gods, to become rulers in the kingdoms of our Father, to become equal with the Father and the Son, and will you let your affections be unduly placed on anything this side that kingdom and glory? If you do, you disgrace your calling and Priesthood. The very moment that persons in this Church suffer their affections to be immoderately placed upon an object this side the celestial kingdom, they disgrace their profession and calling. When you love your Wives and children, are fond of your horses, your carriages, your fine houses, your goods and chattels, or anything of an earthly nature, before your affections become too strong, wait until you and your family are sealed up unto eternal lives, and you know they are yours from that time henceforth and for ever."
- The Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p.360

And to the women, the LDS church declared...

"Sisters, do you wish to make yourselves happy? Then what is your duty? It is for you to bear children, in the name of the Lord, that are full of faith and the power of God,—to receive, conceive, bear, and bring forth in the name of Israel's God that you may have the honour of being the mothers of great and good men—of kings, princes, and potentates that shall yet live on the earth and govern and control the nations. Do you look forward to that? or are you` tormenting yourselves by thinking that your husbands do not love you? I would not care whether they loved a particle or net; but I would cry out, like one of old, in the joy of my heart, "I have got a man from the Lord!" "Hallelujah! I am a mother—I have borne, an image of God!"
- The Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 9, p.37

Although this teaching isn't recent, how common is this belief today among the ultra-faithful?

Does ultra-Mormonism really make for more loving marriages, or is the ideal Mormon marriage one where the church is more important than the spouse?

Very good points in es many of the observations in this page. Many are the achilles heel of the hierarchy. Until the upper echelon become empathetic to the women of the LDS religion and look at cleaning up there on upper, male echelon the hypocrasy will continue to grow and spill over into the - 04/30/2008 - ZionCurtain

I love your site as it expresses a terrific honesty. Sadly, the comments are filled with serious hostility and passive aggressiveness. There is a tremendous level of defensiveness and instead of attacking your premise they want to attack you personally. Keep up your efforts and don't let any of these miserable people bring you down. PEACE - 04/12/2008 - Empathetic

This is absolutely appalling. I'm shocked that someone would do this. I believe this is very immature and disrespectful towards the Latter Day Saints. - 03/27/2008 - anon

If you just stop for a second and take a step back, then take a hard look at this site, you might realize that you are taking shots at a religion, first of all. This, in almost any circle, is considered immature and low class. If you looked deeper you would also realize that the elderly people you are photo shopping spikey hair onto are incredible people who have done nothing but devote their lives to helping everyone around them. The LDS faith has a strict code of modesty for women, and in this world where the female image has been torn down to nothing but sexuality and an being object to be looked at- how terrible could it be for a religion to teach its girls that they are more than an object, and they don't need to show themselves to be beautiful- For you to take the faces of women who have stood for this, then degrade them by putting their heads onto revealing clothing is worse than degrading. You have the freedom to create whatever blog you wish, but remember to take a step back and think about exactly what type of people you are degrading. They could sincerely be a group of wholesome people doing their best to make the world better. And I dare say that is a lot more than you have been spending your time doing. - 03/27/2008 - Julianne

What I read depicts exactly what the prophet Joseph Smith said about dissidents. They leave the church but can't leave it alone. The scriptures also teach us of the consequences of such action against the Kingdom of God. Until we meet again at the bar of God. - 03/25/2008 - Holy Molly

Let me just clarify a few things from the comments here: Couples DO make vows to EACH OTHER and GOD. (the point of marriage - duh!) Ultra-Mormonism as it was put, is an American cultural facade. It is typically (but not exclusively) a "molly mormon" trait. An unhealthy learned habit and I do agree that this shouldn't be a part of the "culture" but in the US it seems to be.

Some rules are a bit silly (skirts in to an exam that happened over.. oooh 30 years ago! let it go hunny. Some church dances still expect girls to wear a skirt but NOT in every country. The doctrine is the same but the local authorities largely decide what's appropriate. So yet, another Americanism.

Feelings are what they are. I don't go around telling every associate of mine how I really feel. I get on with it, and when my FRIENDS are near I tell them. It's the same everywhere and wouldn't really be appropriate for everyone to know you have PMS that day or you're bored in their lesson. and yes they are sometimes boring. Some however are excellent!

Oh and the teasing the hair comments.. rather lame. These people aren't gods, they're humans trying to helps us reach our potential.

Get some counseling, and I can guarantee that an LDS NON american cheeseball social worker would be much better :o) - 03/19/2008 - anon

Have you ever thought about all the good that Relief Society and the women in it have done for the world? Contemplate this question before you go on slandering the names of good women in the world that are just trying to make it a better place. - 03/06/2008 - a girl with hope

WOW! This is stupid. I cant believe people get mad over little things like this. Does this really happen? It sounds to me like you people made all of this crap up. - 02/28/2008 - eye roll

nice blog ahole. you could probably spend your time a little more constructively. - 02/26/2008 - anon

if your not a member you cant talk about what you dont know you are just plain ingnorante STUPID cause thats the word to use for such a low life that has to do this type of stuff. your just plaing sick i bet half of the people that do this "mormonism" stuff have never set foot in the church they just go on the things they have been told, just grow up, cause ok you dont beleive in the church that is fine but doesnt mean you have to talk bad about us and making stuff up!!!! - 02/22/2008 - CTR

Hello, I do not know what must have happened to harden your heart against the church and it's teachings but it is really too bad. To see people like yourself totally loose themself to the worlds influence and use petty humiliation against people whom you have no personal connection with is sad. My advice to you is to remember the principle of forgiveness and repentance. The people of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints may not be perfect but the church itself is. I think in life we are just expected to do our best and follow the commandmnets, not take everything someone in the church or outside of the church says to you literally. I will pray for you and so will many others. - 01/23/2008 - LDS Faithful

one of the principles taught in the church is to be forgiving. Why can we not forgive the mistakes of man and remember the true principles taught by Christ and forget what sister so and so said to you. Get past it and continue to live a Christ like life. - 08/25/2007 - forgiveness

jajajajjajajajajajajajajajj i will see you in the hell!!!! - 08/24/2007 - monte

Entao....vou escrever em portugues pois este teu site nao merece eu escrever em ingles...seu desgraçado, lazarento, vais queimar no fundo dos inferno e ainda vai ganhar um bilhete pra descer mais ainda pro fundo...vai ir pro subsolo do inferno...

Agora se fosse voce começaria hoje mesmo a me retratar pelas besteiras que escreveu aqui nesste site bagaceiro... - 08/01/2007 - Vá se ferrar infeliz.... - Teu Macho

I was at the Y in the 70's (anybody else remember this?) A female student went to the testing center to take an exam. It was cold out and she was wearing slacks. They wouldn't let her in the center because she had slacks on. So she stepped into a bathroom, took off her pants, put her coat back on, and was allowed into the testing center, now that her lower legs were showing. Oh my heck!! What the "flip"? Just another one of my very "special" memories of the Y. - 05/11/2007 - Sister Outtathere

This is such an intelligent website. Seriously, it is quite clear that someone has put an considerable amount of energy in to creating the humorless images and comments up here. This is a clear indication of one of two possible catalysts. First, this person is bored and truly has nothing better to do with his/her time. This also means that this person is most likely unemployed, and has hit rock bottom in life. No doubt due to excessive alcoholism, drug use, pornography addiction, all of which probably led to the firing of his/her job, and then a subsequent divorce (not necessarily in that order). Or, this person has somewhere along the line of LDS membership been offended and decided the church is to blame. Perhaps there was a commandment that came along that he/she decided was not for them, he/she had a vision of some kind in which they were told the church is true, a bishop came down on them too hard for something (in their interpretation anyway), a relief society member talked behind his/her back, or perhaps they are just plain bitter at the church for one reason or another. Gosh, I can't decided which it is. However, I'm going to guess that the creator(s) of this website suffer a little bit from all the above. Bravo intelligent website creators! You have finally found your calling in life - cursing and making fun of an institution you once belonged to. Why? Well, I think I now have a pretty good idea.

Oh, PS. sorry you were excommunicated for something stupid you did, and now you have a long shot of ever making it out of hell. Oh yea, bravo for that too! Please respond to me, I would love to hear why for which one of the reasons above you left the church. - 01/20/2008 - Bored or offended?

You asked... "Does ultra-Mormonism really make for more loving marriages, or is the ideal Mormon marriage one where the church is more important than the spouse?"

Considering the fact that the couple makes vows to THE CHURCH and NOT each other, I would say that the answer would have to be the latter! - 01/17/2007 - DoxiNoMo