This is about the new PH/RS manual for 2008 (re Joseph Smith, who else?). The manual only mentions polygamy once, buried somewhere, and it's not overtly stated that Joseph Smith practiced it.
Here's a good reply:
Urim in reformed Egyptian means: "They will." Thumim in reformed Egyptian means: "Believe anything." The word "and" or just "&" (usually found between the word Urim and the word Thumim) can mean either: "usually" or "probably."
The reference I used was written by the hand of Abraham on some rather deteriorating papyrus, so I couldn't decipher his last sentence, but it was something about Bull S... and I couldn't make out the last word.
Hope this helps you broaden your understanding.
1. A Word of Weird-dumb, for the fattening of that silly circle of naturally high priests, assembled in Salt Lake City, and the lesser Joe Mo priests, and also the saints in eating the high quality beef of Zion--
2. To be sent with much eating; not by commitment patterns or restraint, but by regurgitation in the words of wizened old men, showing much froth in the ordering of root beer and the candy of God in the whole bowl of mastication of all saints until the last crumb--
3. Given for the principle servings with promise of more servings, adapted to the stomach capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.
4. Behold, cheerily, thus saith the Lord unto your cravings: In consequence of evils of vegetarians and designs of weight loss companies which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring vegans in the almost but not quite last days, I have sworn you, and sworn you more, to give me your word that you will see the wisdom of consumption bolstered by revelation--
5. That inasmuch as any Mormon eateth animals or strong animal byproducts among you, behold it is very good, and either meat or the things made from it is tasty in the sight of your Father, only make sure you often assemble yourselves together to offer up your animal sacraments before him.
6. And, behold, this should be consumed with root beer, yea, pure and not caffeinated root beer of the greatest tasting kind, of your own make.
7. And, again, caffeinated drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of gentile, inactive and apostate bellies.
8. And again, food cooked with wine or spirits is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for Mormons, but butter, lard, and vegetable oils are for meats and all baked goodies, to be used generously and with judiciousness and skill.
9. And again, coffee, teas, energy drinks, colas, wine, beer, hard liquors, smoking and drugs deemed illegal by the government are not for the body or belly.
10. And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome government approved drugs God hath ordained for the depression, overweight nature, and general complaints of Mormons--
11. Every drug in the season of your complaints thereof, and every ham after the funeral thereof; all these to be used substances and to be obtuse of their chemical natures and thanksgiving to the doctors who proscribe them.
12. Yea, flesh also of cows, pigs, sheep and of the chickens and turkeys of the farm, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of Mormons and not just on Thanksgiving; nevertheless they must to be used ever Sunday;
13. And it is pleasing unto me that they should be used, at all occasions, cold or hot, and definitely at family meals.
14. All grains, sugars, substitutes, additives and corn syrups are ordained for the use of Mormons and of hormonally enhanced domestic animals, to be the stuff to eat, not only for Mormons but women to increase their waists and the men of heaven to keep fat and their interests from all wild temptations that run or creep on the earth;
15. And these food cravings hath God made for the use of Mormons in times of excess pornography and excess sexual hunger.
16. All gaining weight is good for the Mormon; it is also the fatness of the divine; that which yieldeth fatness, whether in the upper body round or the lower body round--
17. Nevertheless, meat and potatoes for men, and corn syrup and bread for the woman, and baked goods for the children, and heads, feet, bones, blood, intestines, lungs, spleens, livers, ligaments, fat trimmings, unborn babies, and other parts not generally consumed by humans for the dogs and for cats, and for all beasts of the field, and other barely useful animals.
18. And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to ignore the ingredients, shall receive healthy expansions in their navels and narrowness to their minds;
19. And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures that have no real connection to the scriptures;
20. And shall have fun and not be cheery, and shall talk and not show restraint.
21. And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the organics and anti-additive bug shall pass by them, as the children of The True Church, and not bite them. Amen.
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father - Michael the Archangel, Adam, the "Ancient of Days" - although we now worship Elohim so as not to confuse our numerous anti-Mormon enemies.
2. We believe that men will be punished for doing their own thinking and for not reporting the transgressions of others.
3. We believe that all mankind will be saved by obedience to Church leaders on all levels, presuming, of course, that they do not contradict each other.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, faith in the infallibility of Church leaders; second, penance and uncensored confession to one's bishop; third, preserving one's Church membership at any cost; fourth, the need for a fourth principle has been eliminated by modern revelation.
5. We believe that a man be called of God usually by family origin, by the laying on of hands, but the granting of such privileges to women will require considerable public pressure.
6. We believe in much the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz., apostles, prophets, teachers, evangelists, seventies, etc., but we reserve the right to change things from time to time as we see fit.
7. We believe in the gifts of tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.
8. We believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as we can decipher its archaic vocabulary; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations.
9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that President Hinckley will tell us; and if he is too comatose, Elder Packer will do it for him.
10. We believe in literally scattering Israel throughout all nations and that all mankind, whether black or white, come from the tribe of Ephraim; that Zion is in Utah Valley or any other place where a Mormon of a pure heart can be found. Indeed, we may say that Zion can be found in the remotest, most God-forsaken corners of this world.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of the Brethren and require that all men do the same, and worship when, where, how or what is prescribed in the current Priesthood handbook and Ensign magazine. Attendance at symposia, or other open forums is an excommunicable offense.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it.
13. We believe in good lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, dark blue suits, white shirts, fashionable underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.
The Book of Jimmy (Lies, Damn Lies & Statistics) Rainbow
It being the seventh year of the second millennium, and notwithstanding that “Statistics is the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions” (Evan Esar), nevertheless I make an attempt to predict the future using the very statistics proclaimed (and some then altered over fifteen years) by the COP as shown in my previous thread “Church claimed 8,384 more missionaries called than was really the case” in the which attempt, my conclusions needed verification through revelation using all historical data from 1830 to the present day, presented to the laptop god, verified by the anti knee high virus protection and revealed through the pencil scribe via the Liahona model previously designed for the very purpose of achieving my goal. Thus we see that all things are not as they may at first seem…
The Very Small Plates of Jimmy, previously hidden in pp 102-106 of some 116 lost pages.
1. I Jimmy, having been born of a goodly mother and a crap father who then proceeded to leave us for another woman, therefore I was not taught somewhat in any of the learning of my father, yea not at all in his learning. This is as well as he was a coal miner and then a soldier fighting on the front lines during the Second World War and after that, a bus driver and I liked the idea of none of the above. Nevertheless, I have seen many afflictions in the course of my days and give a record of the statistical proceedings underlying the past, present and future regarding my peoples, well, yea the peoples I used to call mine anyway.
2. Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consisted of good and bad language so I am constrained to mostly use good language unless I get upset when I may have to use bad language. I may also use the language of my grandchildren so this may be read and understood by children and all future generations.
3. And I know that the record which I make is true, and I make it with my own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.
4. For it came to pass in the commencement of the 177th year of the reign of the small and yet abominable Church that I was in the state of vision and saw that I Jimmy was named after my father whose name was not Jimmy but my middle name was the same as my father so that has to be good enough. My grandfather’s name was the same as my fathers name but as that has as little significance as his father having the same name so I will not record that here as my fingers are already sore from holding the thingy with the which I am scratching on plates. I would have erased that but they have not, even by miraculous means, yet found an eraser that will remove the scratching from my plates. Also my tapir is getting restless and I must feed it soon.
5. And now, in line with our ancestor Alma who wrote in his book Ch13 v1 when he did cite the minds of the brethren forward to a time which had not yet come and talked of things impossible as they had not yet happened, as if they had already occurred, thus it is and as will I, again my brethren, (and sisters are invited too as I am not as sexist as Alma), and I would cite your minds forward to the time when the still small and yet very abominable Church shall put forth it’s statistics and lie for the Lord just as Jesus Smith taught lying for the Lord and conspired to deceive in the beginning.
6. And it came to pass that the small and yet still abominable Church aspired to be greater than all the other Churches and thus become the great and abominable Church but still wanted to call it something else. Nor did they realise that when they pointed one finger at another Church, three were pointing back at them. Therefore the big fifteen did appoint scribes and statisticians to “big it up”, a term we are not yet familiar with and from which the truthfulness of this record will be manifested in your heart for somewhere inside you will recognise the phrase and that is the witness to you that these things are verily true. Thus it is and your eyes shall be opened and you don’t even need to eat anything in order to see.
7. And it came to pass that Jimmy saw through the lies and exposed them but it did not matter as no one listened and all was well and the members controlled by the big fifteen still believed they were the fastest growing Church when indeed they were not even close and moreover they believed that they were adding many faithful members to the Church when indeed it was only numbers on something called paper which would be handier than plates to write on.
8. And it came to pass, as we have to write “and it came to pass” many times for it to look like a religious record despite the fact it doesn’t appear so much in the Bible, but more than enough in the Book of Mormon, that the heads of the small and abominable Church (which for the sake of space on these plates we will abbreviate to heads of the SM.A.C or SMACheads), released statistics in the Almanac for all to see and these are the days of the scribes and statisticians.
9. And it came to pass that by the year 1991 after a flurry of activity and healthy conversion figures, yet again it came to pass, that there were then eight million members at that time, on paper. And it came to pass that the scribes and the statisticians did cite their minds forward with an exponential curve based on the last few years progress and the SMACheads were well pleased as the scribes and the statisticians, who, based only on the previous 13 years curve (unlucky number for some in that day) did predict that the SMAC would probably exceed 70,000,000 members by 2070 and thus could become the GREAT and abominable Church which would be much more fitting and so they constructed a great and abominable (as well as spacious) building which had no room for any grass around it, so, as they had already bought the grass they put it on the roof for which the Lord has yet to reveal a purpose, just as with many of the symbols on the facsimiles in the Book of Abrajam, originally called Abraham, (am I changing history or was that a typo?) Yea, it was just a typo. The time may come when global warming and low oil reserves mean we have to go back to using tapirs which we will call horses in our day and they can be ridden to conference and can graze on the roof. Such is the forethought of the big fifteen. The elevators are not really big enough for many horses but then the miracle of the elevator shafts in the temple no doubt will be repeated in some way in the conference centre or maybe they will build a ramp by revelation. Nevertheless, I am scratching off the point and space is limited so I will write lots more after saying I have no room and wish to leave space for others who follow. And it came to pass that 1999 passed away also, and there still continued to be peace in the land, although I would be hard pushed to say which one. And thus did the two thousandth year pass away, and behold we had fireworks and also the two thousand first and third and no one mentioned what happened to the two thousandth and second just as in 4 Nephi, and the two thousandth and fourth, and the fifth, yea, even until I lost count and got confused as to how many years had passed away, and also the earlier years I missed and indeed many other individual years that there was absolutely no point in writing down did also pass away. Let’s just say that MANY years had passed away. And it came to pass that the two thousandth and fourth year passed away, and also the two thousandth and fifth year, yea, and in fine, till the two thousandth and sixth year had passed away; yea, even one hundred and seventy six years had passed away since Jesus Smith lied.
10. And it came to pass (and I wish it had not come along in the first place and then we wouldn’t have to wait for it to pass), that on the way, the Church statisticians projection showed thirty five million members by 2020 or so. And thus we see that being premature is very silly, as by now in 2007, on that scale we should see some twenty one million members (give or take a million) right now and even with distortion they can only muster less than 13,000,000 so they are short some seven million or more already and even then we know through revelation on attendance and tithing, that less than a third of those are really members in the real sense. Thus we see that there are lies, damn lies and statistics but only with statistics can you fool most of the people most of the time as the key to the understanding is not given to all.
11. To some it is given to provide the figures and to others is given the interpretation of the figures. I am the god of numbers and the numbers were not the same yesterday, they have been changed today and will no doubt completely change tomorrow. Thus we see that nothing changes.
12. In other words, do not trust numbers, numbers are of the beast, he already has three, some believe six is the only one but behold he has more and presents them in secret combinations to deceive the righteous and yea, he is successful in his deceit and he has the big fifteen on his side and no one knows of this.
13. Thus we see that as time passes, all things are brought into view as I will reveal secrets not before known unto this generation. In other words, Jimmy has been sent to bring truth and light into the numbers but as it is winter and we worry about global warming, he will leave the light off and just bring truth to the numbers.
14. And it came to pass yet again, that the year of 1989 was after all an anomaly when over half a million new members were recorded and it has never happened since. Moreover the magical figure of 500,000 which was only that once achieved became hard for the people and they became discouraged when pushed to find new people to convert and they said “Preach not unto us hard things, preach unto us smooth things” but the SMACheads would not listen and said every young man must go on a mission and every member must still be a missionary.
15. And it came to pass that per capita, fewer and fewer missionaries went out despite the command and the magic figure has never been hit again since then.
16. In other words, indeed, one may say that it has become impossible as there are not enough missionaries and people are becoming worldlier. In other words, they have found the beast and they love and trust the beast more than the numbers of the SMAC and the name of the beast is Internet and thus he was known in his days and many there were who flocked unto it for advice and the odd Google search.
17. And it came to pass in those days that the SMACheads were angry at the numbers; and the scribes and the statisticians did dream up ways of altering the numbers and thus it was, that after reporting new child baptism’s up to the late nineties they appear to have then included in the figures ALL children of record instead and subsequently all new births, thus increasing or maintaining the membership figures and keeping some dignity to the numbers, notwithstanding that most other Churches only include active baptised members in their numbers which are all available from the beast.
18. And thus we see that you can do anything with statistics. And it came to pass that the SMACheads were still not satisfied and that the missionary number kept falling and there were none who could stop the fall and great was the fall thereof. That is, other than statisticians who can change anything by numbers. And it came to pass that they lied about the missionary numbers but that did not increase the convert baptisms and they did wonder why that was, for the numbers were there, but they were only on paper and they were blind to the effects of lying. And it came to pass in 2007 it was obvious and so they reprinted the figures, altering them all from 1990 to 2004 which gave a clearer picture of the descending trends.
19. Nevertheless, the missionary numbers did steadily fall per capita and the SMACheads were angry and there was weeping and wailing but there was yet no gnashing of teeth as the big fifteen were old and most had no teeth and their dentures are expensive and of course there is no paid ministry, so they tell us. But behold, one who stood among them did remember the health plan they all had and then there was gnashing of teeth but not against each other. No, they had to fix the blame so the head of the SMACheads did approach the MTC and address the missionaries and did wail at them and gnash his teeth at them and told them they were no good but they were all the Lord had; and to get out there and baptise many more converts. And many other things did he say in this age to the media to be popular with the gentiles, hoping members would not notice and telling Mission Presidents to ignore what he said in the press; such as, the Lord does not give revelations any more and he does not know that we teach fundamental principles but that we teach couplets instead. Thus we see the workings of the Lord in these the last days as instead he says “isn’t it wonderful” that when they think on things and pray about them, then the feeling comes as to what to do. Isn’t it indeed marvellous that he is blessed with exactly the same process as everyone else in the world regardless of their belief? Indeed it is a marvel to behold. This verse is a long verse because you have to have long verses sometimes but I know not why.
20. Jimmy laughed. (You also have to have short verses for credibility).
21. And it came to pass that if Jimmy had copied and pasted “and it came to pass” it would have been quicker to write the revelation but behold it was not revealed unto him until it was too late or he forgot, whichever you prefer. He had tried to look at a stone in a hat but all he could read, he did not comprehend, as the message read “Why do you look at a stone in a hat? Why do you not pull a rabbit out of the hat like any other magician”? Then Jimmy confessed that he had never been a treasure seeking seer and could not read the stone, falling into the ways of men and doing only arm wrestling as he wasn’t keen on getting dirty and wrestling on the ground. Jimmy was forgiven and told to just rely on the stats. And thus we see the mercy of the hat god.
22. And it came to pass that in the last three consecutive full published years 2003 – 2005 the net growth position has been well below 300,000 for the first time since 1987 (and the ten month figure to Oct 2006 is similar) when there were 6.4 million members (with the exception of one year, 1993 when net growth was 285,081 and there were 8.6 million members) and growth continues to drop. And it came to pass that Jimmy finally got to the point and can say that the new converts stayed generally in the 300,000’s for years despite the underlying increase in overall membership. And thus we see a decrease in membership per capita. And now behold, my propelling pencil has lost it’s spring and behold I have carved another out of wood using a pen knife made of steel which does not exist so perhaps it was something else I used but thus we see I have a pencil and that works and whilst I have not managed to kill anything for my family to eat with it, I can at least write with it. It is the Sabbath and I cannot buy a new refill. It is not that the places they now call stores are not open, as indeed they are but more that (to use my grandchildren’s language), I can’t be arsed to go out and get one and dinner smells good too.
23. Behold, Jimmy can predict that following the curve now plotted according to the last few years, that if this trend continues, the rough figures show the Church (assuming no change to the parameters) finally reaching a peak at 35,000,000 members around 3037 when it will start to decline.
24. However, Jimmy developed a model that includes the dynamics of the beast Internet; and then you can predict what you like. Internet is still young and has yet to grow in stature. My bet is, taking all things into account, including more members leaving who discover the truth, that the Church may peak at less than 20,000,000 members and then be somewhat static and finally slowly decline before the year 2050 but that can change dramatically based on many influencing factors. Particularly if there is strong media or movie coverage concerning the truth at some stage. Time will tell and thus we shall see and all things will become clearer after my next eye test.
25. And now citing you back to the time of Jesus Smith; thus we see that the conspiracy continues unto this day and Jesus Smith was called a liar, a cheat, swindler, adulterer, hoaxer, conspirator, traitor, philanderer, murderer and a pious fraud among many other things. (Historical note, the word “pious” appears to have been inserted above the line of text of the second handwritten copy sometime after the first edition and it does not appear in the original hand written text now in the hands of the RLDS sub culture of the also un-chosen. “Pious” was an unfamiliar word to our peoples and not in “vogue” or found in the book of Dan in the Bible for example). Nevertheless we knew him to be the liar as extant evidence shows that indeed on occasion his pants were on fire which marvellous thing was witnessed by many persons, who unfortunately, not understanding the significance of such a phenomenon, in the main died without recording the event. One single source, and that being through revelation, survives. Unfortunately, it is an unfriendly source of revelation which Church historians and apologists deride as being unhelpful and unreliable. In other words, it came to pass; and no one understood the miracle surrounding “Liar, liar, pants on fire” in those days and so it was dismissed as more of a couplet than anything.
26. And behold, I finish my writing as there is little space on the plates but having said that, as with our ancestors I must now write a few more pointless pages covering rubbish already covered for no apparent reason or it will not look like confusing ancient scripture such as that transfiguramilated by Jesus Smith from desiccated reformed (or reconstituted) coconut Egyptian into the modern language not constituting hot drinks or tobacco but beer is ok just not spirits, evil or otherwise.
27. Jimmy knows that past prophets have had nasty things done to their work after they died. Please do NOT change my pencil scribble to INK or FELT TIP later or do other devious works like you did with my friend Jesus Smith who only EVER claimed he saw Nephi and now everyone thinks it was Moroni. Why would they do that? There was no need but the habit of lying even without reason has to be maintained or you get out of practice and that will not do at all.
28. Having thoroughly studied the genealogies of my family and my peoples, as I was commanded, I learn I am of distant royal blood and of royal (albeit obscure) descent. I can state categorically (and herein is my claim to authority in the same way that descendants of Aaron who you can’t find of course, can automatically be Bishops, until they find one given the lineage by an aging senile Patriarch when they will of course change the rules) that in my country, if 49,285,763 people died, I would be the Queen of England. (Historical note – this verse seems to have been added much later by someone pretending to be the Jimmy but we are not sure as there is no extant evidence to support the authenticity of the writing or the claim).
29. And now I say adieu. Or in other words, So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, the sun has gone to bed and so must I. Drawn flaming swords forever and I come quickly but that is my problem, not yours. Amen.
30. Jimmy doesn’t like odd numbers so we have to have verse 30 for no apparent reason at all. Besides if the work pans out to be wrong, we may need to alter, add, delete or change at will in order to keep up with the times, public opinion, being politically correct, be in line with our ever changing unchangeable views or to confuse the already confused even more if we can.
Written on a napkin in my own hand and even on my own hand when I ran out of napkin. J.R.
1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the Angel Moroni, that all the world should be duped.
2. (And this duping was first done when Joseph Smith was Moneydigger of Palmyra).
3. And all the Mormons went to be duped, every one into his own wardhouse.
4. And Joseph Smith, Sr. also went up from Vermont, out of the city of Sharon, into upstate New York, unto the city of Palmyra (actually, it was a shabby little town which is also called Hicksville, because Joseph, Sr. was of the house and lineage of a long line of bums, misfits, vagabonds and ne'er-do-wells).
5. To hang around town doing nothing all day with his nutty wife and lazy kids, being heavy with nothing, having all kinds of time on their hands.
6. And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that the Golden Plates should be delivered.
7. And Joseph Smith, Jr. brought forth his first-born in a long line of scams and wrapped it in a blanket so that no one could see it, and laid his face in hat, because that's where the peepstone was.
8. And there were in the same country scoundrels--Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery--biding their time, keeping a lookout for a flock to fleece.
9. And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came unto Joseph Smith, Jr. and the glory of a White Salamander shone round about him; and he could hardly wait to get laid.
10. And the Angel Moroni said unto him, "Fear not for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great treasure, which shall be to all people, for there is a sucker born every minute.
11. "For unto you is made up this day in the town of Palmyra a money-making scheme which, Christ the Lord, is guaranteed to pay off.
12. "And this shall be the pitch for you: Ye shall find the Golden Plates buried in a hill behind your house--lying in, well, lying in whatever. You get it: lying, lying and more lying."
13. And suddenly there was with the Angel Moroni a multitude of disreputable Witnesses, pretty much all related, praising Joseph Smith, and saying:
14. "Glory to Joe in the highest, and on Earth we all get a piece of the action."
15. And it came to pass, as the Witnesses had gotten their stories lined up and God and Jesus had gone away from the Grove of Trees into heaven, they said one to another, "Let us now go with Joe even unto Nauvoo, and see this thing which is coming to pass, which a traveling showman passing through has made known to us by selling us some Egyptian mummies and some old papyrus."
16. And they came with haste and found Joseph not with Emma, but with several of his under-age wives and girlfriends lying in a bedroom.
17. And when they had seen it, they made known in an emergency session of the City Council the saying which was told them concerning this potential problem, which by that time had been printed in the Nauvoo Expositor.
18. And all they that read it wondered at those things which were published by the apostates.
19. But Joseph tried to keep all these things under control and pondered them in his heart, then ignored the Constitution, ordered the newspaper destroyed, was arrested and soon shot to death in the middle of yelling out the Masonic Cry of Distress from a jailhouse window:
"Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale to Joe in the Highest and on Earth, Pitch the Cult Toward Men (since the women don't count, anyway)."
The End
December 1,2006
President Hinckley explains how the revelation came to be. "Sheri and I had just returned from a visit to Sonic (cherry limeade and tots is a great combination), and as I settled into the barcalounger to watch "What Not to Wear," the revelation just came rolling out, like pure strokes of intelligence."
Sister Dew recounted the intensely spiritual experience: "His face changed to a clear, trance-like expression, and at first I thought he was having a stroke. But the words started flowing; I believe I was prompted by the spirit to bring my Blackberry, and I got it all written down."
FARMS director and Food Sciences Professor Daniel Midgley-Welch commented on the divine origins of the revelation: "The language is unmistakably that of the Lord: clear and concise, and yet almost poetic. And the complete absence of chiasmus strongly points to heavenly origins."
The full text of the revelation is as follows:
1. Blessed are the MBAs, for they shall lead my sheep.
2. Blessed are the real estate developers, for they shall inherit the earth.
3. Blessed are obfuscators, for they shall expound my scriptures.
4. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after numerical growth: for they shall be promoted in the hierarchy.
5. Blessed are the lucrative, for they shall have lucre.
6. Blessed are those who touch not the little factory, for they shall obtain forgiveneness.
7. Blessed are the conformists, for they shall be called the children of God.
8. Blessed are they who suffer ridicule for the church's sake, for they shall be called FARMS.
Reached for comment, Jesus simply rolled his eyes and smiled ruefully.
The Thirteen Articles of Faith (newly revelated and updated)
1. We believe in Fraud, the Infernal Father, and in His Son Jesus Adam-God Christ, and in Holy Creamed Corn over Toast.
2. We believe that Mormon women will be persecuted for their own sins and especially for Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the abandonment of Christ, all Mormons can be saved through works, by obedience to the flaws and ordinances of the Gospel.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Blind Faith in the leaders of the Mormon Cult; second, No Repentance for forgetting the first principle and ordinance of the Gospel; third, Salvation by suppression of the re-transmission of individual thought; fourth, Laying on of guilt for the sin of using your throat.
5. We believe that a man must be called the head of the House, the head of the Church and the the head of Universe, by sophistry, and by laying it on non-stop, by those who are in authority, simply because they say they are in authority, to preach and leech on the basis of a wild tale made up by an uneducated, 14-year-old farmboy, having something to do with talking to God in the backwoods on the frontier New York State thereof.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, only now we claim to be even more primitive.
7. We believe in the gift of tongue-lashing, profits see!!!, obfuscation, visions of grandeur, heeling on command, no unauthorized interpretation of tongue-lashing, and so on and so on and scoobie-doobie dooooooo.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as we have trampled it completely. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be a clunky work of fiction.
9. We believe in all that the Mormon God steals, all that he may now steal, and we believe that he will yet steal many great and important things from your wallet pertaining to Corporation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Shopping Mall Saints.
10. We believe in the literal take-over of planet Earth by the Mormons and in the restoration of polygamy and blood atonement; that Lyin' Zion (the We-Knew-It-Would-Be-Gruesome-New Jerusalem) will be built upon prophets discontinent; that Mormons will rain on your parade; and that the Earth (at least up the I-15 corridor), will be repaved and renewed, in time for Salt Lake City to receive its scandalized Olympic glory.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping the Almighty Dollar according to the dictates of our own accountants, and allow all men (but no women) special privileges, let the priesthood be worshipped now, where and how we please.
12. We believe in subjegating Gays, Feminists, Intellectuals, Blacks, Gentiles, Indians, and Non-Mormons, in disobeying, dissing and subverting the law.
13. We believe in being dishonest, untrue and unchaste multiple-wivers, as well as being unbenevolent, tortuous, and in doing bad things to all women, including underage girls, in polygamous communities throughout Utah and parts of Arizona, Texas and Canada; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul H. Dunn--We make up all things, we hope you do not discover these things, we have made up many things, and hope to be able to make up many more things. If there is anything that we can do through deceptive missionary door approaches to get into your house and take your money and your things, we seek after these things.
Shouldn't a true church stop the deception? They badly need to. Think what a shock it is for a person with an active interest in the visible world to read the "Doctrine and Covenants," and the "Pearl of Great Fraud." You don't find the church paying much lip service to the "Pearl of Great Fraud." Its the door to some real revelations, the kind the church does not want one to have.
They can't be honest, of course, but with so much information available, the church is in a bind. They have their asses in a crack. Tell the truth, and you get no converts. Let people find out the truth, and you have no members. What a sorry mess Joseph Smith made of things--including the lives of so many decent people."
1. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared prayed to the Lord, to know from the Lord whether boats should be built to cross the great waters.
2. And the Lord answered and said, "Lo, it is not meet that boats should be built. For a land bridge has been prepared. Mine arm has built the glaciers and shrunk the sea, and you shall pass over to the promised land on dry ground. Wherefore, head north, and then towards the rising sun, and you shall find the land bridge I have prepared. Build no boats, but bring a parka, for the crossing shall be cold, and remember the words of your mother- never go out into the cold without a parka." (anon)
3. And there were great murmurings as those who followed the brother of Jared walked and walked and walked and walked. (Stray Mutt)
4. And it must needs be that they walked, for the Lord would not suffer them to bring horses into the new land save it be very small toy horses made of wood. And thus it came to pass that horses were brought into the land, but were not useful for plowing or riding or warfare. Behold the wisdom of God, that the wicked remnants of the people could so easily be overcome by the horse-riding bearded ones from Europe. (anon)
5. And it came to pass that when they reached to cold lands, the people did murmur further; How shall we keep ourselves warm? And the brother of Jared said unto them, Forget ye not the parkas which the Lord hath commanded us to prepare. (Stray Mutt)
6. And the people answered, We knowest not of these parkas which the Lord hath commanded. How shall we fashion them?
7. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did pray mightily unto the Lord; We desirest to obey thy word, O Lord, and to take upon us the holy parkas, but we knowest not what a parka is.
8. And it came to pass the Lord did hear the brother of Jared and did stretch forth his hand, which did contain a North Face catalogue, a telephone and an American Express card made of most precious gold. (Stray Mutt)
9. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did order an abundant number of parkas, a lot even, but the people did murmur exceedingly when the brother of Jared doth not use overnight shipping, thus the journey was slow and exceedingly boring until the fedex dude did show his face, even his truck he did show and the walkith into the promised land doth begun, it started even. (Balard123)
10. And behold, the women folk began to murmer for the color of the parkas which the Lord their God hath supplied was not to their liking. And they were rebuked by the brother of Jared, saying "Knowest thou not that thou art high maintenance?" (wine country girl)
11. And again it came to pass that an exceedingly great number of the brother of Jared began to be lifted up in the pride of their hearts because the Lord, even their God, had seen fit in his exceeding mercy to bless them, yea, verily I say to bless them with coats made of exceedingly fine fabric, yea, even Goretex Parkas and pants and boots, which fabric did repel moisture from the outside but nevertheless retained breathable qualities, yea, breathable like unto cotton.
12. And they began to look down on their more humble brethren, whom the Lord did not see fit to equip with such exceedingly fine Goretex, and who therefore had to resort through their own labor and by the sweat of their own brow to fashion clothes made of curelom and cummom. And behold, the workmanship thereof was not so fine as that of those whom the Lord had seen fit to bless with garments of Goretex, and the waterproofing ability thereof was not so fine as that of the Goretex, and the ability to respire whilst keeping its wearer warm was not so fine as that of the Goretex.
13. And verily it came to pass that as they began to be lifted up in their hearts, they began to look down on their brethren wearing skins of curelom and cummom, and to mock them saying "Behold, thou art forced to wear these uncomely curelom and cummom skins, and behold, they doth make thou look ugly, and behold, the skin thereof is not warm and does not protect you from the snow likeunto our Goretex. Indeed, thou dost look ugly and must watch out nightly for fear of being set upon by lonely cureloms and cummoms." And similar words did they use to mock their brethren. And the Lord was mightily peeved. (spinner)
14. Wherefore the Lord did begin to smite the wearers of Goretex, and caused them a sore cursing, yea, even upon their feet. Their boots became those of lesser quality, and were sewn in the manner of moccasins. And their feet became wet and frigid with cold.
15. And it came to pass that their brethren that were wearing the curelom and cummom apparel did laugh exceedingly. As a tribute of the whole experience, they all did break forth with the vodka and stogies that they had stored, and have a wonderful party to celebrate the newfound humility of their brethren. (starbright)
16. And behold, the women folk then hastily sought flowers of the most pastel colors, thus that they might add to the parkas. The Lord saw the flowers, and it did please him, and in the bosoms of the women he put a burning of the spirit. (Webz)
17. And a burning in their loins. Yeah. (wcg)
18. And behold again they were so great in their faith that the idiot brother of Jared never thought to ask his mother or even the lord, yea verily, just what the fuck his name was.
19. I say these things unto thee that thou might be eternally confused and in the dark. (Charley)
20. And verily the mother of the brother of Jared told her son that he had no name. For he was born at a time where all the good names in town were taken, and an Angel of the Lord came to her and said unto her, "Mother of Jared. Thy youngest child shall not have a name, for God decided all the good names are taken. Tho shalt refer to him forever as the brother of Jared, for Jared is more important than either of you, and that is why your whole family must relate henceforth as the 'of Jareds.' Any attempt at naming thyselves will cause Our Lord, thy God to throw a huge fuss, and smite thy ass with lightning, and color your asses black. Word"
21. The mother of Jared looked in awe of this Angel, and said "amen?" (Webz)
24. And it came to pass that the pass that they did pass, even into was exceedingly narrow and the air did not move well which brought a great stinkith that did come from too much curloms jerky, even cummons. So they dropped everything and ran like the wind that pass without them.
25. Thus they were delivered out of the pass as god had intended. (Balard123)
26.
And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did lead the people unto the narrow neck of land separating the land west, which was the land of their first inheritance, and the land east, which was the land of their second inheritance. And there was thankfulness among the people, for, surely, the Lord had kept his promise.
27. Let us go, said the brother of Jared, and make a feast of thankfulness unto the Lord, for He hath kept His promise, and delivered us unto the land of our second inheritance. Bring ye forth a fatted calf and the firstlings of thy flocks.
28. But, behold, there was stillness and silence among the people.
29. And it came to pass the brother of Jared asked, Wherefore do ye bring forth neither the fatted calf nor the firstlings of thy flocks, that we may make a feast of thankfulness?
30. And when the brother of Jared had asked these things, the second cousin twice removed of Jared did step forth and declare, Behold, we have no livestock, for the last was eaten somewhere neigh unto Manchuria. Verily, the trip has been longer than expected.
31. And when he heard these things, the Brother of Jared was roth and did curse the people; O great! What are we to do now?
32. And it came to pass that the second cousin twice removed of Jared did say; Ask again of the Lord, who has saved us many times in the past.
33. And it came to pass the brother of Jared did again pray unto the Lord; Wherefore shall we eat in this frozen wasteland? Can we order in food with the card of gold? And the Lord did answer; go ye and hunt the great white bear that liveth upon the ice.
34. And it came to pass that when the brother of Jared did reveal the Lord’s plan unto the people, they did proclaim with one voice; Are you fucking crazy?
35. But, yea, the brother of Jared was a man of exceeding faith and righteousness. Yea, he did trust in the word of the Lord. And so, on the next morning, the brother of Jared did go alone to hunt the great white bear that liveth upon the ice. The Lord hath commanded and, verily, the Lord shall provide a way that this thing may be accomplished, proclaimed the brother of Jared.
36. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did find the great white bear. But, verily, the great white bear did slay the brother of Jared.
37. And it came to pass on the morning of the second day the people did find the bloody Goretex raiment of the brother of Jared, and they were glad; for the brother of Jared had been a self-righteous prick the whole journey.
38. And it came to pass the the second cousin twice removed of Jared did speak unto the people; Behold, I have
had a vision. In the land south are warm beaches and beautiful weather. Let us go there.
39. And so they did go south. (Stray Mutt)
40. And it came to pass that the second cousin twice removed of Jared found the beach and righteous waves
41. And it came to pass that the second cousin twice removed of Jared did lead his people that were formally known as the people of Brother Jared south to the climes of warmth and sunshine that they did shed the skins of Goretex, curloms, commons. This made all men equal in the eyes of God once more, but more importantly it made all the babes righteous in the eyes of all men as they had forgot to pack righteous underwear.
42. And it came to pass that all women were forced to run into the waves of water that crashed on the beach, even the sandy beach, woaa woaa. This forced the men to discover a means to pursue the most righteous women into the water.
43. All men turned to the second cousin twice removed of Jared and ask him to plead with god to provide the means to brave the righteous wave as all men were shitty swimmers.
44. The second cousin twice removed of Jared did placate himself, why I don’t know, and then ask God to
deliver his people unto the righteous waves.
45. God look down at his people, and doth told his faithful servant the second cousin twice removed of Jared, you
guys are a bunch of idiots, just remove the boards that your wooden horses are fasten to and use them as boards
on the surf, and get a shorter name.
46. And it came to pass that Cous Jared did ask God what shall they do for horses to pull on there chariots when they get
around to making them. God did swing his head to and fro exceedingly at what an idiot Cous Jared was and said, haven’t
you ever heard of a tapir? Cous Jared did stare as if he were a deer into headlights.
47. And it came to pass that the men did remove the boards from the wooden horses and enter the water they did on there boards of surf.
48. And it came to pass that by the time Cous Jared and the other men removed the horses, smoothed and waxed
their boards of surf the women had turn not unlike the prune and found a gap with which took the card of gold were by they bought righteous underwear, and tight fitting jeans
49. Next Chapter were in Cous Jared and all righteous men find out the meaning of wipeout. (Balard123)
50. A flashback: As the people of Cous Jared did relax upon the warm sand, their hearts were made glad, for they did remember the time of tribulation before reaching the land of beaches. Verily, after their liberation from the oppressive hand of the brother of Jared, whom the Lord did deliver unto the great white bear, the people did follow Cous Jared southward, for he had a vision.
51. And it came to pass that they journeyed southward, along the border of the great sea, which they called Ginormous, meaning great sea. They did journey from the frozen wasteland unto the land of endless moisture.
51. And the people cried unto Cous Jared; Where art the warm beaches and sunshine? For behold, we have traveled the space of many moons and we have yet to see the sun. What shall become of us? Have we displeased the Lord that he maketh the sun not to shine and the moisture to fall without end?
52. And it came to pass the people of Cous Jared became sick at heart and would not rise from their beds. And they did lament from their beds; Woe unto us, for our strength is gone and we see not the point of rising. Woe unto us, for it is yet another day without the sun.
53. And it came to pass that a third of the host of the people of Cous Jared did take their own lives rather than face another day of endless moisture.
54. And there was great lamentation among the people of Cous Jared, for they did wish they too could die, but
they had not the courage nor the strength to do that which they desired. And they did cry unto Cous Jared; If this
be the land of our second inheritance, then we would rather return to the land of our first inheritance, if we had
the strength.
55. And it came to pass that Cous Jared did hear the lamentations of the people and, though he was not as righteous as the brother of Jared, he did pray unto the Lord for the deliverance of the people.
56. And the Lord did say unto Cous Jared; Because thou prayest for thy people and not for thyself, I will answer thy prayer. And again the Lord did stretch forth His hand and did deliver unto Cous Jared a big steamy cup of coffee. Drink this in memory of me, saith the Lord. And Cous Jared did drink, and it was good. And the Lord said; Look ye for the sign of the two-tailed fish queen. There ye shall find much coffee to gladden the hearts of the people. And they shall arise from their beds even though the day be dark and wet. And they will have no more desire to endeth their own lives.
57. And it came to pass that the people of Cous Jared did find the two-tailed fish queen wherever they did look. And whenever they did partake of the coffee, they did remember the Lord, saying; O God, this is good.
58. Thus was the glad memory of the people of Cous Jared as they did warm themselves in the sun. (Stray Mutt)
I was born of God-fearing Nephite parents, who for some strange reason gave me the Greek name of Timotheus. Fast-forward a few years, and one day I was out working in the fields with my father when the sky suddenly went dark, and horrific storms and earthquakes, and fires happened. We groped our way home, and for 3 days we huddled in our darkened house, unable even to start a fire.
Finally, we heard a voice out of the darkness, and we saw a man in white coming down from heaven. He said, if I remember correctly, "I am Jesus Christ. I love you, and that's why I destroyed all these cities and killed all these people. To show you how much I love you in particular, I let you live and only suffer for 3 days."
He came down and blessed and taught the people. He must have had a photographic memory because He repeated almost verbatim the exact things He had said in the King James Version of the Bible. Needless to say, I was impressed.
One day, He called 12 of us out of the crowd. I was shocked, but He chose me to be one of His disciples. How could I say no? After He had again taught us from memory, He asked us if we desired anything. I got a little greedy and asked if I could live until He came again. After all, how long could it be? He said a generation wouldn't pass away, right? So, I was thinking, you know, 70-80 years, max. Dumb move.
So here I am 2,000 years later. What, you may ask, have I been doing all this time? Well, for the first 100 years or so, the other two and I lived among the people, teaching them. But they got tired of us and called us self-righteous prigs. Sometimes I think they might have been right. So, they cast us out, and we just kind of hung out for 1,800 years or so. Played a lot of UNO.
Suddenly, we get a call from Jehovah, and I'm thinking, Great, we have something important to do. So, what happens? We have to spread plaster in David Whitmer's field. WTF? Couldn't they have found something more important for us to do, you know, something more in keeping with our apostolic calling?
But that's the way it's always been. When they need revelations, they call in Peter, James, and John (those losers), and sometimes Moses and Elijah. But not us, oh, no. In the early days of the church, we got to push a lot of handcarts; that wasn't so bad, and it was kind of fun to see the expressions on the pioneers' faces when they couldn't see who was pushing. But that was a long time ago, and our assignments now are few and far between. Occasionally, we get to rescue a child from certain death, but mostly we get the "special" assignments, like standing out on I-15 hitchhiking so that we can warn people to get their food storage ready.
I've had enough. 2,000 years of this, and there's nothing important to do? I just don't see the purpose anymore. I turned in my resignation last week, and I'm waiting for confirmation from Salt Lake. The problem is, the people in Greg Dodge's office think my letter is a joke. I mean, nobody even believes I exist. Totally sucks.
If our Heavenly B. Father is Omnipotent, Omnipresent and Omniscient, is He also Omnisexual? In other words, can He say:
"Behold, I am God Himself, and I can Fuck anything I want to fuck, and it will be just fine because I am Fucking God
and I make all of the fucking rules -- ALL OF THEM, YOU WHINY FUCKERS! ANY MORE FUCKING QUESTIONS?
"And if any of you worthless sinners get overwrought under the weight of all the unending plagues, pestilences and
calamities I seem to enjoy heaping on your sorry heads, and if you get pissed of enough to pray to Me, HEAVENLY
FATHER, WHY DON'T YOU (OR WHY DOST THOU NOT) JUST FUCK YOURSELF (OR FUCK THYSELF)? In that case, I AM GOD and I
will decide whether or not to FUCK MYSELF. And if you don't think I am capable of FUCKING MYSELF, THEN FUCK
YOU FUCKERS! I AM FUCKING GOD AND IF I WANT TO GODDAMNED FUCKING FUCK MYSELF, THEN NOBODY IS GOING TO FUCKING
STOP ME, FUCKERS! DO I MAKE MY LORD GOD SELF PERFECTLY AND FUCKINGLY CLEAR?
"Shit. Now you got me worked up. Sometimes being GODDAMNED FUCKING GOD isn't all it was cracked up to be back when
I was an Aaronic Penishood boy who resisted the temptation to play with my Little Factory and eventually fucking became
GOD because I was so GODDAMNED FUCKING ETERNALLY RIGHTEOUS AND GOT A PERFECT SCORE OBEYING ALL THE ETERNAL PROGRESSION
COMMANDMENTS AND ALL THAT SHIT.
"Personally, if I had it to do all over again, I think I would have just jerked off all the time like a normal boy.
If I had done that, I wouldn't now be burdened with all the heavy responsibilities of being GOD. You think it's
easy BEING FUCKING GOD? Hell, I'd like for all you pathetic fuckers to walk a light year in my shoes and see if
you still want to shoot for the 'AS GOD IS MAN MAY BECOME' load of horse shit.
"One of the dark secrets of GODHOOD is kind of embarrassing. But since I am God and everything, I am omnipotent
enough to withstand a little embarrassment, so I'll go ahead and share a little secret with you. Like I said,
it's a little embarrassing, but I trust you not to laugh at me. In fact, if you laugh, I will interpret your
laughter as GOD MOCKING and strike you dead in a heartbeat. As you are all well aware, having listened to the
prophets voice, GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED! OK, technically, God will not be mocked twice (by the same mocker).
Let's not get technical. Just don't laugh at me, please.
"OK. Here is my little disclosure. It's about my C.P. My Celestial Penis is kinda sore. OK. My penis is
pretty sore. Well, OK. MY PENIS HURTS LIKE HELL. Now are you happy? You got me to admit that my Eternal
Member is worn out from overuse. All those eternal companions nagging me all the time, Eloheim, Fuck Me!
No, Eloheim. Don't fuck her. Fuck me instead! Nag, nag, nag. Hell, I get so tired of it that I spend an
embarrassing amount of time (and your tithing funds, thank you) on 200 South Kolob Avenue to get some professional
service from professionals who know better not to nag at me, or else I will not be a repeat customer and come again.
"There! Are you all happy now?
"One last thing. STOP ALL THAT FUCKING PRAYING TO ME! Trying to manipulate me into intervening in your
fucked existences and giving you blessings and shit in response to your transparent feigning of thankfulness
for the plagues and torturing I visited on you last month. Yeah, right! Thankful my ass! Give me strength!
You're all pissed off as hell, and I know it. How the fuck do I know it? I am fucking omniscient, lest you
jerkoffs forget. Do you know what omniscient means? Duh? It means I KNOW FUCKING EVERYTHING, INCLUDING
WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME INTO BLESSING YOUR SORRY ASSES BY PRETENDING TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE
INSULTS AND INJURIES I GET OFF ON DUMPING ON YOU! GODDAMNIT! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
The Articles of Faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Suppose a man comes to you with a two-page manuscript in Spanish. He tells you
excitedly that this is a handwritten excerpt from Hernan Cortez's diary. You
learn things about Cortez that you never knew before: he was interested in
botany and archeology, and he had a deep understanding of the way the world
works. Sometime later, a friend who speaks Spanish comes, and you show him the
manuscript and the translation. He laughs and tells you that the manuscript is a
love letter written in Mexico City in 1979. It has nothing to do with Cortez.
It's a pretty boring recital of a young man's adoration for his
girlfriend.
In case you think the original Articles of Faith are silly, here are some that are even sillier...
The Articles of Faith (New Inpired Version)
1. We believe in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men, and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and Revelator denied it on national TV.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in the pre-existence.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer & Savior.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins; fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth, Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman; sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total, absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Women leaders, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that the primitive name for the church was "Corporation of the President."
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing, interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment secrets, and so forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the most recent version of the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. We are currently undecided as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however.
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God (which may differ greatly from what He has previously revealed) by means of a comprehensive market survey of members' likes and dislikes.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are hirelings of Satan.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, unless the law of the land violates the law of God as dictated by the President of the Church, such as in prohibiting the marrying of more than one woman.
13. We believe in being honest except when lying for the Lord, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things that the Church President tells us, we hope all things, we have endured many things such as changes in Church teachings and conflicting revelations, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is any woman virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to make her obedient, servile, and pregnant.
The Articles of Faith (Uninspired Version)
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father - Michael the Archangel, Adam, the "Ancient of Days" - although we now worship Elohim so as not to confuse our numerous anti-Mormon enemies.
2. We believe that men will be punished for doing their own thinking and for not reporting the transgressions of others.
3. We believe that all mankind will be saved by obedience to Church leaders on all levels, presuming, of course, that they do not contradict each other.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, faith in the infallibility of Church leaders; second, penance and uncensored confession to one's bishop; third, preserving one's Church membership at any cost; fourth, the need for a fourth principle has been eliminated by modern revelation.
5. We believe that a man be called of God usually by family origin, by the laying on of hands, but the granting of such privileges to women will require considerable public pressure.
6. We believe in much the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz., apostles, prophets, teachers, evangelists, seventies, etc., but we reserve the right to change things from time to time as we see fit.
7. We believe in the gifts of tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.
8. We believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as we can decipher its archaic vocabulary; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations.
9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that President Hinckley will tell us; and if he is too comatose, Elder Packer will do it for him.
10. We believe in the literal scattering of Israel throughout all nations and that all mankind, whether black or white, come from the tribe of Ephraim; that Zion is in Utah Valley or any other place where a Mormon of a pure heart can be found. Indeed, we may say that Zion can be found in the remotest, most God-forsaken corners of this world.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of the Brethren and require that all men do the same, and worship when, where, how or what is prescribed in the current Priesthood handbook and Ensign magazine. Attendance at symposia, or other open forums is an excommunicable offense.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it.
13. We believe in good lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, dark blue suits, white shirts, fashionable underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.
Articles of Faith for Women
1. We believe in God the Eternal Father, god the eternal mother whom we are forbidden to acknowledge publicly, and in his (not her) son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost who is a male personage.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam's transgression. We believe that women will be punished for their own sins as well as Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind (probably including women) will be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel and their priesthood leaders' every word.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are first faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, second repentance, third baptism by immersion, fourth, the laying on of hands for the gift of the holy ghost, and fifth, the gift of priesthood power exclusively to men now and in the eternal worlds.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God. No women need apply.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, with the exception that although women held priesthood and administrative offices then, they do not now and never will again.
7. We believe that the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healings, interpretation of tongues, etc. are available only by and through priesthood holders and not directly to any female member individually.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God except insofar as it contradicts Wasatch Front cultural traditions.
9. We believe all that God the Father has revealed and all that he does now reveal. We do not believe that he will yet reveal any great and important things pertaining to women and just to be sure, we will not seek such revelation.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the ten tribes; that Zion has already been built in Utah County, Utah; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisacal glory wherein men will be god-like and women will be silent, invisible and pregnant.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping God according to the dictates of our own conscience and expect all men and women to follow our priesthood leaders' definition of moral questions.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, magistrates, and male priesthood leaders and in obeying, honoring and sustaining whatever they tell us to.
13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste (every falling from chastity is the girl's fault), benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good toward all males. Indeed we may say the follow the admonition of Paul; we believe all things that we have been told by the priesthood leaders, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things for
there will surely be no earthly relief. If there is anything bland, banal, innocuous or G-rated, we seek after these things.
The Articles of Faith, Now With 10% More Disclosure
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. God lives on a planet near a star named Kolob. But there are lots of other Gods, too. We aren't sure if our God is the oldest God, or the most powerful, or not. I don't know that we teach that. By the way, you can be a God too, if you give God some of your money (give it to us, we'll pass it on) and do everything we say God wants you to do for the rest of your life.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. We also believe that God sometimes commands us to sin, or at least puts us in situations where sinning is necessary to fulfill God's purposes. Also, some sins aren't sins if you are doing them to help God's church. Also, you might be punished for other people's transgressions (like Cain, if you have dark skin, or Eve, if you are a woman) but not for Adam's. Whew!
3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. Well, they may be saved, but only if they obey the laws and ordinances, which are changing almost all the time. They change kind of slowly, so sometimes no one notices, and WE sure as heck don't call attention to it.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. There are a lot of other ordinances and principles, too, but if we mention them up front, no one would ever join our church. They'd think we were some kind of whacked-out cult. But we aren't. And if you ask us specifically about some of the bizarre things we think are part of the 'gospel', we will lie about it; but that's okay (see Article 2).
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. Only our Church has this authority. If you are in another church, you aren't called by God, you don't have his authority, and your ordinances won't save you. We will tell you that we don't think people from other religions are going to hell, but we only say that because we think you might become a Mormon later in this life, or after you die. If you don't, you are going to hell, no doubt about it. Well, Mormon-Hell. It's actually pretty nice, but you live in eternal regret of not being mormon.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. Well, we don't have pastors, or evangelists, per se, but still, it is the same as Christ's church. Well, we change our organization a lot, actually, for good reasons, but whatever the current version is, it MUST have been the same way back in Christ's church, because we said the two are the same. And they are. And always will be, no matter how much they change.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. Well, not the speaking in tongues thing anymore. That's freaky-weird. But now we say that learning a foreign language (even if we don't speak it very well) is the gift of tongues. Oh, and prophecy doesn't mean predicting things correctly, it just means being inspired about something, usually a new Church program, or a new rule about earrings or knee-length shorts.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. By 'translated correctly', we mean not what it said in the original texts, but whatever we think it should say to be consistent with the Gospel, as defined by us (God told us). And about the Book of Mormon, well, it might not be true, as in 'it really happened', but it still has inspiring stories. But we know it is true, too. At least for now.
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. Including stuff that contradicts the old stuff.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American Continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Well, we think we do. This all sounds a little crazy, so we don't talk about it much, certainly not to non-Mormons. In fact we'd probably deny it if we thought it would help get you baptized (again, see Article 2). It's in the scriptures, so it must be true.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. Unless you are a Mormon, then we have a bunch of things you can and can't worship, certain places you can and can't go, certain things you can't talk about, and a lot of things can't do, and other you have to. But the members of the church are free to do/believe what they want. Unless they do/believe something we don't want them to. Then we excommunicate them and ostracize them as much as possible. And they are going to hell, and not the nice Mormon-Hell we mentioned in Article 5.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Well, not all the laws. At least, not the laws against polygamy, unless they threaten to send troops. But now we obey that one, too. And if you can break a law to help get people baptized, that is probably okay, but don't get caught.
13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, but never in Church meetings, where we stick to the lesson plan and are careful not to use any outside sources, because they might lead us astray. And we really mean that honest and true part. Stop laughing.
Confirming rumors that have swirled for months, LDS church historian Richard Squrley announced today the discovery of Joseph Smith's personal journals. "Three years ago, during the excavation of the Nauvoo Temple site, a small box was found containing journals written in the hand of the prophet himself. The release of the contents was delayed so that the church could properly preserve and interpret the writings so that members might best understand them and be blessed by them."
Squrley indicated that these journals are a treasure trove of insights into the character and prophetic vision of Joseph Smith.
The journals are remarkable for their candor in describing the prophet's mortal ministry. "I just have to write this down somewhere. It's killing me to keep it all inside," begins the journal.
One consistent theme is Joseph's admiration for the faith of the Latter-day Saints: "These suckers will believe anything I tell them," is a repeated phrase. BYU professor of church history Susan Washin White explains this interesting usage: "In the early 19th century America, the word 'suck' carried the connotation of adhering, most often in matters of faith, so here Joseph is just using common vernacular for 'believer' or 'follower' in praising their constancy in following his counsel. It really is quite inspiring."
Joseph reaffirms the testimony of the Book of Mormon witnesses with fervor: "I'm not sure how I pulled it off, but I got all 11 of them to swear they had actually seen and 'hefted' the plates. Morons." Dr. White explains that "pulling it off" refers to a particular manner of prayer circle common to that time period, meaning that he was amazed by the power of such humble prayer. "And of course, the final word should read "Mor[m]ons, but is clearly a scribal error."
Reading the diaries, we gain insight into Joseph's feelings for other church leaders. "With all that happened, who would have thought Oliver would have been so upset about a little fun in the barn with Fanny?" Historians have puzzled over this, but most generally believe that Joseph here is talking about a controversy over milk tailings, which led to Oliver's estrangement from the church. Fanny undoubtedly is the name of one of the prophet's prize dairy cows, said Larry C. Little, emeritus professor at BYU.
The prophet's love for Sidney Rigdon shines through the narrative: "Jesus, that Rigdon has a big head. You would think he wrote the Book of Mormon himself. Oh, that's right, he did."
Perhaps no one disappointed Joseph more than John C. Bennett. "Bennett has been a great asset to me. He is very popular with the girls and often lets me have the leftovers," reads an early reference. Later, Joseph's friendship turns to sorrow: "Damn it, how did he get caught? Now I have to figure out some way out of this. Let's see, own up to screwing half the girls in Nauvoo, or blame it on Bennett. That's a tough choice." Reluctantly, Joseph chose the route of honesty, blaming it all on Bennett, as we know that Joseph's relations with women were nothing more than sealings and of the highest moral character.
Joseph also gives some precious information about the Book of Mormon: "The great thing about the book is that it's vague enough so that people will never be able to find the lands described (not that they exist). New York, Mexico, whatever." This of course shows that endless quibbling about Book of Mormon geography is not central to one's salvation, said Daniel Midgley-Welch, FARMS contributor and Food Sciences professor.
Book of Mormon names are mentioned several times. "It's amazing what you can come up with when you take enough laudnum," said Joseph, clearly referring to a previously unknown Book of Mormon substance, perhaps related to neas and ziff. Pablo Q. Hoskisson, BYU religion professor, opined that "laud" is most likely related to the Hebrew city of Lod, and of course, "num" is short for NHM, or the place of mourning mentioned by Nephi. Clearly, Joseph was speaking of a substance acquired between Israel and Nahom.
Several sections will require further analysis, as they refer to unknown people and events: "HMK doesn't look 14, but I say the younger the better." And there is a cryptic reference to a "Lawrence sister sandwich."
In a written statement, LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley enthused, "What a glorious treasure to have the writings of the prophet. For 3 years they have lain undisturbed in a locked safe, but we must acknowledge the hand of the Lord in the leaks about them and their subsequence partial release. The prophet's honesty is an example to all of us, and we can only hope to approach that level of honesty in recounting the marvelous history of this, the dispensation of the fulness of times."
2:8 And there were in the same country sheep abiding
in the Morg, keeping watch over the other sheep by
night.
2:9 And, lo, an angel named Nephi came upon them, and
the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they
were sore afraid.
2:10 And the angel (Nephi) said unto them, "Fear not,
for (you give us your thithing,and)I bring you good
tidings of great joy which shall be to all Morgbots.
2:11 For unto you is born this day in the state of
Vermont, a con-man, which is Joseph Smith.
2:12 And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall
find the man wrapped in no clothes, lying with a woman
(who is not his wife).
2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel, Nephi a
multitude of the heavenly host praising Smith, and
saying,
2:14 Glory to Joe in the highest, and on earth peace,
good will toward men (No women allowed).
By way of backround, it should be noted that Brother Joseph, our beloved Prophet, had been enjoying the fermented fruit of the vine, courtesy of Porter Rockwell, who had procured a particularly fine vintage to celebrate the acquisition of the papyrus records from Mr. Chandler.
Several of us crowded around to view these ancient documents, as Joseph spread them out on a table and pointed out the parts that had been written in the hand of Father Abraham himself. Many, myself included, urged the Prophet to perform a translation of at least a few lines for our immediate edification and contemplation.
Although we initially feared that we would only succeed in calling forth a divine rebuke of our impatience, we instead were relieved to see that Brother Joseph appeared willing to undertake the commencement of the translation. As I had already brought out Joseph's seer stone and special hat for the occasion, these divine priesthood tools of the gift of translation were immediately available to be pressed into the Prophet's hands, as others ushered him away from the wine bottle to his favorite chair.
After many minutes, a low rumbling noise was heard coming from the hat, which concealed Brother Joseph's face in its entirety.
"He's snoring!" cried out one of the younger men among us.
"No," said Brother Grimshank, a respected elderly gentleman. "He is speaking the tongue of angels in preparation for his divine role as translator of the mysteries of Abraham."
We had no doubt that Brother Grimshank was correct as to all particulars regarding the low rumbling noise.
However, being a somewhat impatient man, I gently prodded Brother Joseph on the shoulder. "Joseph, are you ready to translate?" I inquired.
With another jerk, Joseph pulled his head out of the hat, abruptly bumping the back of his head on the wall behind him and nearly losing his grip on the hat and the urim and thummim contained therein.
"Trans..wha..oh..the translation of the Book of Ablam..Abramaham! Yes!" Joseph exclaimed. "I have received a line or two or maybe three."
We were by now nearly falling out of our chairs in eager anticipation.
"Now, giveth ye to me another drink from the fruit of the vine and it shall come to pass that I shall proceed," said Joseph pointing at the bottle of wine. His wish was immediately satisfied, whereupon the Prophet proceeded.
"Now, lesh see," he said, looking with a cross-eyed, yet penetrating gaze at the seer stone in the hat in his lap. "Yes, here is the introduction as it hath appeared unto mine eyes in the urim and thummin. It sayeth: For behold, I am Abraham...I am Abraham and I, Aframan..uh..behold and verily..uh..puzziphka ma noo ahman ondi gablish and...even wherefore the Lord didst command me even saying ... even saying...yes, it came to pass that he sayeth...for behold! for behold, the time has come for you and all your household, even your man servants and concubines to hoodify the schmoodification of the humpus dingle... and thus spaketh the Lord unto me, Ambrahulam, the first of the white Lamanites, and I write this account in Egyptian on account of Reformed Egyptian is unknown to me. Amen".
And so the words of Abraham were conveyed to us by divine power, through the Prophet Joseph Smith. Needless to say, we were all mightily impressed and grateful to the creator of all things that we had been privileged to be the first of this dispensation to hear the message of Abraham as was brought forth from hundreds of years of obscurity to penetrate our hearts and minds that night. Nonetheless, we soon realized that we would have to wait for further illumination, as Brother Joseph had fallen out of his chair and into a deep sleep on the floor.
"He's spent, totally spent from one of the greatest spiritual exertions of his life," Brother Grimshank sagely observed.
Nodding in agreement, we filed reverently out of the room, so that the Prophet would be undisturbed in the enjoyment of his well-earned rest.
Of these things I do bear solemn witness.
Sincerely yours,
W. Clayton
1. We believe in Gods, which include the infinite chain of Heavenly Fathers, and
in our personal Heavenly Father and in His mortal as well as celestial sojourn on
a planet we believe may be called Kolob and in his only begotten by physical sexual
intercourse Son, known as Jesus Christ who also happened to be the god of the old
testament when he was only a ghost, and in the holy haunting of the world by His
(Heavenly Father’s) Ghost since He can both be alive, father children with His flesh
and bone and have a ghost.
2. We believe that men will pay through lots of post-mortal pain for their sins unless they become a Mormon either on their own with their own body or against their living wishes not to be a Mormon via another living Mormon’s physical body as proxy, and it doesn’t matter what Adam did because by obeying his more spiritual wife we were able to get these bodies in the first place.
3. We believe that through the rituals and bloody tortures of Jesus Christ, all Mormons may be saved from having to suffer these same tortures in a lesser degree of all their goriness after they are dead and thus avoid being put in a spiritual prison
holding area to await their being flayed for their own salvation for disobedience
to the laws, oaths, handshakes, testimonies, higher principles and ordinances of
the Mormon Church.
4. We believe that the principles and ordinances of the Mormon Church are better
than any other Christian offerings upon the face of the earth including the worst
examples in The Catholic Church and these better principles and ordinances include:
first, Following the prophet in his being the only authoritative mouthpiece for
the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Penitence for everything you can, would, will or
might do wrong in life by paying in time and money at least 10 percent of all you
have up to and including your life to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; third, Attempted Baptism for everyone you have known, may know, will possibly know
in the future and all of the dead people you came from for the three missions of
The Church; fourth, Praying with folded arms and hands to be able to feel a burning
in your bosom and a stupor of thought to cloud your mind to obscure the brightly
non-ethically neon flecks of Mormon history that might trouble you.
5. We believe that a white old Mormon man must be called on his phone by a similarly
old Mormon prophet and asked to move to Salt Lake City through the efforts of his
social networking by those who are in Mormon authority, to reach for the LDS Gold
Card expense accounts and administer in the LDS tithing trust funds available to
be able to perform the ordinances of running many highly lucrative businesses for
the Mormon Church and being lauded and praised for his religious insights that have
nothing to do with his job.
6. We believe in the same powers of (restoration) Christian adaptation for Mormon
authorities of the countless Christian non-prophets that have molded the modern
history of the Primitive Christian Church to suit their own selfish needs, namely,
greedy apostles, despotic popes, pious pastors, false doctrine teaching religious
teachers, envious evangelists, faith healers of fools, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of holding our tongues when speaking of The Lord’s Anointed, prophecy by a board of directors of a billion dollar land development and high interest banking corporation and their hunches, unpublished revelations to remove blood oaths,
naked touching, missing preachers and power to edit revealed scripture, revisions
of revealed truths about other races, hot drinks and carbonated drinks, alcohol,
movie ratings, and marriage, stealing apostate and non-member sired children by
ritual in a temple to seal them to member step parents, exclusion of apostate and
non-member parents in weddings, interpretation of piercing to mean only one per
ear and no tongues, and so forth.
8. We believe an uninspired translation of The Bible (KJV) to be the words of God
as far as it is translated correctly and not the inspired translation of The Bible
(JST); we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as He directed His
words to a small groups of Native American ancestors in a limited geography that
brought the wheel and the horse from Jerusalem and then lost both when they fell
into sin and killed their more loved by God and whiter brethren.
9. We believe all that God has revealed in ancient Egyptian funeral papyri, in the
unknown language of Reformed Egyptian, about divining rods and through seer stones,
and all that He does now reveal in English only, through divine hunches, using phone
surveys, and not through antiquated couplets, and we believe that He will yet be
very brief in revealing many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom
of God.
10. We used to believe in the literal gathering of only non-Black adopted Israelites
to places like Ohio, Missouri, Illinois, and Utah and in the restoration of the
bribes to get the Olympics; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) was supposed to be built
in Missouri and then Utah but that now it is built up anywhere in the world but
more especially upon the American continent; that Christ will drain personally the
moneyed powers upon the earth and use their funds to build a temple on every corner
of the world like McDonalds and Wal-Mart; and, that the powers on the face of the
earth will be reorganized by the Board of Trustees for The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-Day Saints and receive its paradisiacal glory as a dead planet fused into
a huge ball of glass after being burned.
11. We claim the privacy and piracy of worshiping Almighty God according to the standards
of a multinational mega corporation with the stolen hymns of other religions, the
right to the dictate the morals of your own conscience through political lobbying,
the right to culturally pressure people into swearing to give everything they own
to our corporation, and allow all conspiring men the same privilege as long as they
don’t include women, let them worship mammon how, where, or in whatever form they
may.
12. We believe in being asked by kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, to have
us send them our missionaries, honoring our undue political influence and gifts
of tuition at our university, and sustaining the laws that we help craft.
13. We believe in being as honest as long as it doesn’t get in the way of our spreading
our truth, true as long as it is faith promoting, chaste as long as their isn’t
an angel with a flaming sword ready to kill us if we don’t take more wives, benevolent
as long as there is a Photo Opportunity or Public Relations moment in it, virtuous
as long as it is toward people who hold our same virtues, and in doing good to all
men that recognize our moral authority; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul but we really don’t.
Joseph Smith - (note some of this has been “updated” and edited to make more sense
to our modern minds)
1. Verily, I say unto you, my servant Joseph, that thou shalt take a middle initial.
2. And that middle initial shall be an unsual intial, one that I have kept secret until this the dispensation of the fullness of times,
3. And the initial which thou shalt take unto thyself is &, and thy name shall be Joseph & Smith,
4. And this name shall be after the similitude of one of my names, which is Alpha & Omega.
5. And the mystery of this name shall henceforth be made known unto thee, for thou art learned in languages and shalt hereafter learn many languages.
6. And I say unto you, Joseph & Smith, that this intial that thou takest signifies in the fifth degree the mystery of godliness in these last days,
7. For it is a sign which signifieth the Lord who sitteth upon the throne of the waters of dominion over the earth in the end time of the last days when he that pisseth against the wall shall be made known.
8. And thou shall take up this cross which is thy middle initial, and thou shalt slay he that pisseth against the wall.
9. And I reveal unto thee another mystery, which thy initial beareth. Verily, it is an amper's "and," yea, the "and" which the ampers of old did use to join together.
10. And it is made of the E and the T, which is the earthly and the terrestrial, and when the earthly and terrestrial are joined, verily thus there is conjunction.
11. And this conjuntion is the restoration of all things that was spoken by the holy prophets before the world began.
1. I believed in Joseph the Stone-Peeping Polygamist, in his fictitious book and in the changing doctrine.
2. I believed that I was to be punished for every sin...whether I committed it or just thought about it.
3. I believed that through the divine mission of Joseph Smith that I could be saved and that rejecting him would probably screw up eternity for me.
4. I believed that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel were, first, faith in the divine mission of Joseph Smith, second, acceptance of my own inability to ever live up to the commandments given me, third, payment of tithing, fourth, not challenging anything I was ever taught.
5. I believed that a man had to be called of god by someone who was called of Joseph Smith or he wasn't called of God and that meant that every other religion was the Whore of the Earth spoken of in the Book of Mormon.
6. I believed in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, namely, monkeys, orangutans,..oh...wait...I was thinking "primate church". I guess that was a simian slip. Actually, I believed that no one knew anything about the pimitive church except, you guessed it, Joseph Smith.
7. I believed in the gifts and found out pretty conclusively that they were all "proved" by serendipitous circumstances and ignored when they didn't prove the premises established by the gifts.
8. I believed whatsoever I was told was the word of God and threatened that I was on the road to apostasy if I ever doubted any of it.
9. I believed all that God had revealed as long as it didn't contradict what Joseph Smith "revealed" and if it did then I believed it was translated incorrectly.
10. I believed in the literal gathering of Israel in as much that when I received my partriarchal blessing I was automagically made in to a descendant of one of Israel's sons...whether or not my ancestors were from Europe, or Africa, or Hawaii, or China.
11. I claimed the privilege of worshipping almighty God according to the dicates of Joseph Smith's conscience and pretty much ridiculed other religions for their unbiblical ramblings and cross-worshipping.
12. I believed in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magistrates particularly if they were going to imprison me for practicing polygamy because I didn't know God was powerless to stop them.
13. I believed in being honest, true...blah, blah blah until I found out that Joseph Smith didn't believe or practice any of that. Then I believed in writing a letter to the Big 15 and calling them on their supporting the lies I had been taught all my life. There is nothing virtuous, lovely or of good report about what the crutch has done. I then believed in cutting bait when I realized it was all a terrible sham.
My wife still subscribes to the Ensign magazine. I am still overwhelmed by the resourcefulness of the Brethern, oh sorry, and one sister to come up with the worlds most sappy article titles.
'And a prophet shall lead them'
You get the picture. All title, no substance.
I remember even as a TBM (True Believing Mormon) going to the church book store and not being able to find a quality book. The titles were always some pat line and the inside held the same BS.
I think they just mix and match title to articles to make them go further.I'm sure no one has actually ever read the first presidency message all the way through.
Title Translator by Jarrod
Wouldn't it be fun to have a Title Translator for Ensign Articles? If you set the translator to the simplest setting, all Ensign titles would simply be translated to say one thing: "Blah Blah Blah."
On a more sophisticated setting, the titles might say something along the lines of:
"Missionary Work: Stepping On Our Own Genitalia"
"Family Home Evening is a Pain in the Ass, But Do It Anyway"
"Follow the Prophet Or Else"
"Dirt: The True Nature of the Mormon Woman"
"You Have No Choice in Anything. Period."
"We Pretend to Know Jesus"
"Humility is for the Flock, Not the Brethren"
"There Is No Honor in Honest Inquiry"
"History Is For Losers"
Here's and actual title that blows my mind by Stray Mutt
It's the title given a general conference talk by Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy. It shows where the church's heart is:
Tithing -- a Commandment Even for the Destitute
Family Home Evening, French Braids, and Fasting - by Cats
Family Home Evening, French Braids, and Fasting By Duane O. Hall
A husband explains how Relief Society has enriched his home and marriage. -
Duane O. Hall, “Family Home Evening, French Braids, and Fasting,” Ensign, Mar. 1992, 22
That says it all. No need to even write anymore Brother Hall!!!
I almost bought one of Boyd K. Paker's books because the title made me think it was about cannibalism. - by Mujun
I was disappointed to find out that it was about something else entirely.
The title was 'That All May Be Edified.'
How about "Yes, I Will Marry You, Joseph" and the inspiring "Me, My Sister, My Mother, My Aunt and the Prophet". . . - by Timmy Teaboy
Yes, I would like to see more Ensign articles that are true to the spirit of the church as it was when the Restoration was new and the Members truly lived the Gospel 100%.
Some examples with article synopses:
"I Must Be About My Father's Business: Preaching the Gospel to the Moon Quakers"
Synopsis: Brother Schnozzglick is devoting his life to spreading the Gospel to the people who dress like Quakers and live on the Moon. After a series of setbacks in his early effort to persuade NASA to ship several thousand volumes of the Book of Mormon to the Moon, Brother Schnozzglick now believes that placing the Book of Mormon under a gigantic magnifying glass will make it possible for the Moon Quakers to read the Book of Mormon with their telescopes.
"The magnifying glass is almost ready," remarked Brother Schnozzglick confidently. "I had to sell the family home to pay for it--after paying my tithing of course. But I'm sure this is what God wants. I just hope the Moon Quakers can read English."
"Bury Not Your Treasures in Heaven: Bury Them Where I Can Find Them With My Stone"
The Nelson family shares with us the secret of their closeness as a family.
"Family Home Evening is a time when we can get together and practice using our peepstones," says Sister Nelson cheerfully. "Moroni, our oldest boy, is going on a mission soon and we need to find some buried treasure to help pay his way."
"I Can See Elijah in All His Glory (Thanks to the Sacramental Wine)"
A church history buff and youth leader takes members of a church youth group to Kirtland, Ohio, where they reenacted some of the sacred events that happened there, including a special sacrament service where the sacramental wine and testimony-building experiences never stopped flowing.
"It was a special memory that I will never forget," says youth group member Todd Bibberman (age 16). "Like, I never had any wine before, but, you know, that's like how the old early church people did it and so we did it too, you know, and we, like, drank buckets of wine and all."
Todd's friend, Josh Shotstone (age 15) also found it to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. "I swear I saw the Prophet Elijah or something crazy like that and I pointed and said, 'Hey I think I see Elijah and some angels and stuff!'," says Josh excitedly as he recalls the special sacrament meeting in Kirtland. "And then somebody else said, 'yeah that's Elijah,' but then one guy said 'no that's Batman dressed in a white batsuit' and I said, 'like, whatever, dude! Let's have some more sacramental wine cuz one of the angels is hot and I think she wants me to take her robe off'..."
Look for these and many other faith-promoting articles in this year's Ensign. It's not your father's church magazine anymore. It's a church magazine that Brother Joseph would have liked.
"Letting go of the iron rod-- A young man's guide to moral purity" by anon
"High on a Mountain Top -- Proven practices for overcoming drug abuse." by anon
"Endure to the end -- How to achieve lasting satisfaction during lovemaking." by anon
A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion, to be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days. Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.
Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation.
That inasmuch as any man followeth not the current discoveries of science with regard to health and diet, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father.
As for fermented grain beverages, wine, and strong drink, these must be used in moderation, not unto foolish drunkenness. Certainly wine should be used in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him. And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make. And behold, in the land to which I will bring my people, yea, even the land of the honey bee, I would that ye should grow wine there, for the land in the south and its climate will make a pretty damn good wine. But I would that ye should also send mine emissaries further west, even to the land of Napa, for that maketh even better wine. And, again, strong drinks--it may be best not to drink them, beer and wine are enough. Strong drinks are really best for the washing of your bodies.
And this brings me to the whole topic of cleanliness. I reveal unto a great mystery, before not known by man. There are little itty bitty bugs that cover all things upon the face of the earth, the rocks, the leaves, the hair of animals, and the skin of humans. Some of these little bugs are good, for they make the bread to rise and the wine to age. But some of them are not good and they cause sickness. I would that ye should wash thy hands before thou eatest, and I would that ye should wash thine hands after thou relievest thyself and after thou sneezest or coughest in thine hands, for this will remove the bitty bugs that might infect you.
Now strong drinks can be used to kill the bitty bugs. Also, thou shalt boil thy water before thou drinkest, lest the bitty bugs make you sick. Also, try to get rid of the little flying skin stickers that you will encounter in Nauvoo, the city that thou shalt build, because these insects will carry a bitty bug that will make you sick.
And again, hot drinks are alright for the body or belly (but don't spill them on thine lap, lest there be lawsuits). Green and even black tea will actually turn out to be beneficial. And coffee may be alright too, but your individual physician may recommend knocking off the caffeine. Follow his advice. By the way, in the future there will be fizzy drinks with caffeine in them--use these in moderation because the sugar will make you fat and take the place of nutritious calories that thou mightest consume.
On the other hand, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really know if it will help bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.
And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man. But don't get too whacky about this and go holistic.
Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving. And things will get better when there is international transport of produce. You might just get to have fresh tomatoes all year long.
Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly, because they have fats that can damage your hearts and blood system. And it is pleasing unto me that they should only be used when there is nothing else to eat.
One last thing I say unto you. If you or any of my prophets after you turn this word of wisdom into a law which barreth some saints from participating in my kingdom, woe unto you, for ye have become like unto the hypocrites of old who swallow a gnat and vomit a camel.
"And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ."
Translation:
And now if I overlooked something and it turns out that there is anything in here that shows that I am making this stuff up please ignore it-- that was just a "mistake of man". And also let me take this opportunity to remind you of hell fire and all that so don't you dare doubt me.
(There, that should plug up any leaks).
Joseph, you came to me and asked how come Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob got to have sex with lots of wives and concubines.
I am about to tell you a little secret that I told to those other guys. Until now, I didn't think you were ready to hear it, but now that you asked, I'll tell you.
The secret I am about to tell you is called the "new and everlasting covenant." Once I tell you this secret, you must follow it, or not be allowed into the highest level of heaven, because nobody can know about this secret AND go to the highest level of heaven unless they also follow it.
Again, let me repeat what I just said to make myself clear, If I give you something, you must accept my gift or I won't let you into the highest level of heaven.
And this secret, which I am about to let you in on, has been around since before I built Earth. This secret is a gift from me to you, but there are some strings attached, and if you want the gift, you must accept the strings that are attached to it.
And the gift I'm about to give you will prove how awesome I am, and, you must accept my gift, and all the strings that are attached to it, or you won't be allowed into the highest level of heaven.
Now, lets get down to business. You see, there's a little loophole with the whole marriage thing on earth. Nobody reads the fine print. I highlighted the relevant part, which is, "All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths, vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made and entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed, both as well for time and for all eternity, and that too most holy, by revelation and commandment through the medium of mine anointed, whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this power, are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead."
What the hell does that mean? He he, it does sound like lawyer speak. Nobody understands this clause, so let me explain it to you in plain english. It says that all marriage ceremonies that are performed by anyone except for you are null and void. Therefore, there are no legal marriages except for the ones in which you performed.
Now, that clause may seem confusing, but my house is a house of order. I won't accept any marriages, performed in my name, by anyone who is not named Joseph Smith Jr.
Anything that is in the world that is not in my name, shall not exist after you die.
And if someone is married, by a minister, or someone else who is not named Joseph Smith Jr., and they die, they will no longer be married in heaven. They will just be angels. And when they are angels, they will be servants to the people who are married by Joseph Smith Jr., a.k.a. you.
And because they didn't follow my rule, and didn't get married with Joseph Smith as the guy who married them, then they will be servant angels forever.
And because they didn't follow my rule, they cannot become Gods like those other people. They will be angel servants to the people who become Gods.
Now just to make myself clear, just in case you weren't paying attention, let me repeat myself. If some guy marries a woman, and you don't perform the ceremony, but instead some random preacher does it, than the marriage is not in force when the couple dies and goes to heaven. And if they try to get into heaven, as a married couple, the guards at the pearly gates will stop them, and split them up, and make them not be married anymore.
The opposite of that is when a guy marries a woman, and you DO perform the marriage ceremony. Then when they die, they will show up at the pearly gates, and the guards will know that they were married by you, and will let them pass as a married couple.
And when the people who got married by you go to heaven as a married couple, they get to keep screwing, and the woman gets to keep having babies, and then they'll be like me, a God, and be able to come up with a plan of salvation where they get to send their spirit babies down to a planet to get a body.
And they'll also be like a god because, remember all those people that didn't get married by you, Joseph? Well, those people who got married by Billy Bob the red neck preacher will go to heaven as angels, and all the people who got married by you will be the bosses of the angels. It is so great, because all the angels have to do whatever the gods tell them.
Now, sorry for the rambling, but the bottom line is people must geBorn of God-fearing Nephite parents
05/05/2006 - substrateHeavenly B. Father is Omnisexual
04/08/2006 - BlashThe OMITTED parts of the Articles of Faith
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ,
and in the Holy Ghost. THERFORE, we believe that all we have done, now do, and
will do is motivated by rewards or punishments from these fellows....especially
that Ghost guy.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own
sins, and not for Adam's transgression. THEREFORE, Adam [a.k.a. Elohim] DID sin
but not really....but that's not important since we will all be punished
SEVERELY for not being perfect...shut up and pass the Prozac.
3. We
believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by
obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. THEREFORE, obedience trumps
all...the laws and ordinances of the Gospel being relative to whatever WE change
them to based on whatever outside pressure WE choose to cave in to. By SAVED, we
mean promoted into godhood.
4. We believe that the first principles
and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second,
Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth,
Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. THEREFORE, once you have
these "first" ones down, we'll indoctrinate you to the other ones that we won't
tell you about nor will you understand while you are doing them [see #3 above
and bow your head and say YESSSS]. By repentance we mean feeling sorry for being
so bad, even when you are 8 and supposedly have nothing to repent of.
5.
We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on
of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in
the ordinances thereof. THEREFORE, WE decide who is 'called'...'called OF God'
not necessarily meaning 'called BY God'....by Prophecy, we mean only if we don't
decide to change it later since our prophets do not always 'speak AS
prohets'--especially on controversial subjects. By AUTHORITY we mean absolute,
'bow down before me and learn your place' authority.
6. We believe in
the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles,
prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. THERFORE, we added
deacons, teachers, priests, high priests, 70s...even though not found in the
BOM. The SAME organization that Christ talked about...you know...in the New
Testament AND in the BOM....what do you mean you've word serached and can't find
ward, stake, and area in the KJV????
7. We believe in the gift of
tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and
so forth. THEREFORE, bring those vision testimonies to Fast and Testimony
meetings... we LOVE to hear about them...and please feel free to show off that
tongue gift from the pulpit...the kids love that.
8. We believe the
Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also
believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. THEREFORE, don't bother us
with your CORRUPT Bibles...they are dirty, corrupt, incorrect....just don't ask
us to pin that down to which verses are bad and which ones are good.....yes the
BOM is 'the most correct book'--doesn't it match the KJV version of the Bible
pretty well? geography...we don't need no stinking geography...we got FAITH
baby....
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now
reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things
pertaining to the Kingdom of God. THEREFORE, we are sticking around for the
sequels...and in them we WILL find our geography, our TRUTH...oh it's coming you
HEATHENS, you GENTILES, you just wait!
10. We believe in the literal
gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New
Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign
personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its
paradisiacal glory. THEREFORE, we have purchased as much land as we can (and all
tax free..teehee, teehee). This IS Zion by GAWD and you GENTILES best stay
out....you think Survivor has a tribal council...HAH...we have the ULTIMATE
tribal council by heck and WE are voting YOU off....unless you join and shut
your yapper.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God
according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same
privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. THEREFORE, we will
keep sending our missionaries out to tell YOU how wrong and evil YOU are, but
don't try to come to Zion...we've got to keep sending missionaries out...how
else we will get a REAL commitment out of our boys if they don't get that fresh
'just shut the door in my face' persecution complex....
12. We
believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in
obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. THEREFORE, if you really hold our
feet to the fire and try to take away our tax-exempt status or confiscate our
'stuff' we'll do whatever you want....of course our prophets are not subject to
this little article since they have the right to raise armies, declare
themselves kings, threaten to make their own country, send out ambassadors to
other countries, order outsiders exterminated, etc.
13. We believe in
being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men;
indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things,
we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure
all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or
praiseworthy, we seek after these things. THEREFORE, please don't make us open
vault F...we ARE an OPEN book after all....
A blunt analogy
Nobody would be so gullible, right? Well, this is exactly
what has happened with Mormonism. It's called the Book of Abraham. Joseph Smith
purchased two mummies and some papyrus scrolls from a traveling exhibition in
1835. He "translated" said scrolls and said they were written by Abraham and
told an excerpt from his life. This translation was published as the Book of
Abraham and is included in the LDS canon of scripture. Helpfully, Joseph
included 3 facsimiles of illustrations from the papyrus along with their
specific translations. The problem is that the scrolls have nothing to do with
Abraham. They are common funerary texts called the Book of Breathings that were
included as sort of a ticket into the afterlife for the dead in Egypt. Not only
that, but they postdate the time of Abraham by 1200-1500 years. And the helpful
direct translations are gibberish.
The bottom line: Joseph could not
translate Egyptian.
So, why do we still believe? Why do we go through the
tortured explanations of Hugh Nibley et al. as to why these preposterous
translations really do work after all? Because we don't want to believe we were
mistaken. After all, we "know" the church is true. Facts don't matter.
New Articles of Faith revealed at last!
Joseph Smith Diary Found
The Smithmas Story by Luke
The Prophet then sat down in the chair, picked up the seer stone and placed it reverently into the hat. Looking up at the ceiling, with his gaze seeming to penetrate through the very roof to the star-studded heavens beyond, the Prophet seemed to be whispering a prayer and we could see the movement of his lips as he uttered it and the sometimes pained and pleading countenance of his face. This went on for the space of nearly half of an hour, as an expectant hush filled the room. Then the Prophet slowly lowered his head and lifted the hat up to his face such that the brim of the hat was flush around his face and his eyes were completely shielded from the light of the room. This we understood was necessary so that the light of the seer stone could be discerned.
'Meek and Lowly'
'In the similitude'
'Choose you this day'