I just discovered a journal written by Joseph Smith.
I had an amazing experience recently. I was pondering the translation method of the Book of Mormon, wondering if it could have been possible for Joseph Smith to translate using a peep stone in a hat. I have been deeply troubled, trying to understand how God could have accomplished such an amazing work through such an uneducated young boy.
As I was thus wresting with these thoughts, I retired to bed. As I was drifting off to sleep, I was awoken suddenly by a bright light. I opened my eyes to see a personage at the foot of my bed. The personage introduced himself as Joseph Smith.
I was understandably overwhelmed, but he explained to me that he had written a journal during the time he was translating the Book of Mormon, but that he was commanded to keep it secret until such time as the Lord saw fit to reveal it to the world. He then showed me, in a vision, where to find the sacred journal and instructed me to retrieve it, since the time had come for it to be brought forth.
When the morning came, I journeyed to the antique bookstore which I was shown the previous night, and recognized the hidden bookshelf where the journal was located as soon as I saw it. As I opened the text, I noticed the following introduction:
I, Joseph Smith Jr., having been commanded by the Lord to keep a record of the coming forth of the history of the people of Lehi and his descendants as contained on the gold plates, do write somewhat concerning these things. The Lord has commanded that this record be kept hidden from the world, until the Lord, himself, shall bring it forth from the dust.
And it shall come to pass that he shall call a servant from the midst of the people to bring forth this record for a wise purpose. For this record, written by mine own hand, shall come forth at a time when there is much confusion and doubt, and shall serve as a witness to the Book of Mormon which I, Joseph, have translated by the power of God.
I have been instructed to publish this sacred journal of the great prophet of the restoration, which will be made available to the world within the coming months, but I wanted to share this amazing discovery to ease your doubts. I will share one last passage regarding previously unknown details on how the Book of Mormon was translated, as this has been a source of much questioning and uncertainty for myself, as well:
Concerning the details regarding the method of translation, some of which I have shared with my fellow servants, I, Joseph, as instructed by the Lord, first took pictures of each page of the gold plates with my iPhone and downloaded the "Reformed Egyptian Translation" app found exclusively on the Apple appstore. Then, I would place the iPhone inside a hat, together with my peep stone, which I had previously used in my treasure digging days. I would also put my face in the hat in order to block out the light from the room.
Upon doing so, I launched the "Reformed Egyptian Translation" app which would analyze the images of the plates and display the English translation one sentence at a time. As I would read each sentence, my scribe would record each one, read it back to me, and once I was satisfied that the text was recorded correctly, I would tell Siri, "written", at which time the next sentence would be displayed.
As you have clearly read, these previously unreleased details make everything clear. There can be no question that Joseph Smith's translation is correct. Once the full journal is released, there will be further details that clear up any questions and doubts about Joseph Smith's divine calling as a prophet.
I testify that these things are true.
Simple. There's this family living in Jerusalem 600 BC and the father starts having strange dreams in bed. The family is quite normal and believes in an invisible man who lives in the clouds. This invisible God - a scrap metal merchant - sends a messenger (who they can see) to commit murder and seize a shedload of gold.
Naturally, the old man takes his family into the desert in search of the promised land. The family builds a magic ship and eventually they land in (New York, North America, Central America - delete as appropriate).
The family breeds faster than rabid rabbits, splits into two gangs - the Bloods (Lamanites) and the Scriptures (Nephites) - oh and Jesus the Main Man pops in for a visit - erm, and once having received the true gospel, the Scriptures (Nephites) start turning from black to white - a bit like Michael Jackson.
Then the two gangs go at it like John Wayne stylie - like we are talking millions of soldiers who are peed off because they have no television - like and then, right, the bones of the dead magically disappear, and God is peeing himself because he is on a mission to tell people this uplifting story, so he writes down the story on gold plates, but with loads of circumlocutions, tautologies, oddisms, plagiarisms, anacronisms to throw us off the true scent of God
Then God because he hasn't got off his ass for eighteen hundred years conjures a brilliant plan to form an alliance with a a mendacious, magic-treasure-hunting, con-man paedophile sociopath with God's light shining out of his bottom, and even his farts smelling of roses, so you shut up - right - now you shut up right, you shut your Jack-Mormon face,'cause Joseph Smith really really is true, and. my sister has a picture of him on her wall
Here's the rub - and for a mere ten percent of your income and eighty percent of your time, you too can have the privilege to clean toilets, rub along with the scum of society, wear magic underpants, abandon all reason, own a tube of magic oil, and worship a fascist sadistic mass-killing empire-building maniac.
Mormonism. You know it makes sense.
We believe in lying, dissembling, obfuscating, and deceiving all men. Indeed, we may say we follow the admonition of Gordon: We believe in nothing, we hope to forget everything, we have denied many things, and hope to deny even more things. If there is anything embarrasing, provably false, or just plain batshit crazy, we seek to cover up those things.
1. We worship a prophet's god, his temporal authority, only as long as his prophet lives, and we also worship his prophet's hierarchy of General Authorities, and in their apostolic callings.
2. We worship within a shield and protection from accountability provided to us by the men in charge of the church and we will not be punished for our sins done at their bidding or for Joseph Smith's transgressions.
3. We worship through enlarging the name JESUS CHRIST and we acknowledge that by mentioning this name in our many scriptures as much as we can up at to claiming Christianity's origins predate Jesus. We say these scriptures are sacred regardless of where we claim they came from as long as our prophet gave them to us and we can worship whatever our current prophet likes in the laws and ordinances found in these scriptures.
4. We always worship the first in the principles and then the ordinances in these scriptures. The first, paying money to the church; second, rejecting coffee, tea and all forms of alcohol; third, belief by immersion in church work for the remittance to Salt Lake City, Utah; fourth, preying upon the minds of the young and also the dead but not infants for the giving of the temple ordinances.
5. We worship a living man called The First President, whom by apostolic seniority and by the passing on of favors in the way of subordinate positions in the church by those who are seeking power in church authority and by the preaching almost exclusively to members that they follow church authority and appropriating large funds for the many projects to enrich the friends of these authorities administering the church organization.
6. We worship this same organization that exists to invade your and your ancestor's and many other people's ancestor's privacy using, namely, apostles, primary kids, priesthood leaders, home teachers, Relief Society women, genealogical researchers and so forth to make dead name harvesting and busy work annoying people into a marvelous work and a wonder.
7. We worship in the spirit of wagging tongues, postponed, non-existent or trivial prophecy, covenants asked for without prior revelation about them, several versions of the founder's First Vision, hands on head with holy olive oil healing and hand shaking as well as testimony hand holding, interpolation of heretofore unknown Egyptian tongues, and so forth.
8. We worship the Bible as the words of prophets as far as those prophets were translated correctly; we also worship the Book of Mormon as the words of prophets as far as those prophets were transliterated correctly by Joseph Smith and edited for grammatical correctness by others.
9. We worship all the Prophet Joseph Smith has revealed except for The Principle of Plural Marriage, The Word of Wisdom as just that "wisdom" and not a commandment, and that humans can become gods, all that his present successor, The First President, does now reveal including a woman's number of ear accouterments, and we worship what the current First President may yet reveal including many great and important things pertaining to changing the religion of The Prophet Joseph Smith to make it more acceptable to The World at large.
10. We used to worship a literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent and that Joseph Smith was right in picking Jackson County in The State of Missouri for it but these things are going the way of The Principle of Plural Marriage in an effort by the current First President to make the church more accepted world-wide.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping our Prophet Joseph Smith according to the dictates of our own conformance to the gestalt principles of following The First President and how he thinks the ordinances and doctrines work best for our present time, and allow all humans who were recorded as living this same privilege via our temple ordinances for the dead.
12. We worship record keeping, keeping tabs on and tracking down members, ward boundary rules of attendance and fellowshipping, and contact lists and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the church's General Authorities in all of their efforts to control the membership of the church.
13. We worship all these things with honesty unless it is about meatier subjects in the church, anything that happens in the temples and church history. We believe in finding truth as long as it is faith promoting and therefore useful, chastity for all living members and not the early leaders of the church, benevolence in promoting the church as benevolent, non-sexual behavior before and after marriage unless it will produce more members, and in doing good to all Mormons; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Joseph Smith - "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."
1) We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. But not Heavenly Mother. Wink.
2) We believe that men will be punished for their own sins. And punished, and punished, and punished, and punished.
3) We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel as well as learning several secret handshakes and code phrases.
4) We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Paying Tithing; second, Paying Tithing; third, Paying Tithing; fourth, Not Masturbating.
5) We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and/or by having contributed a sufficient amount of tithing money, and/or by having a high-paying professional job. Being white helps.
6) We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, secret handshakes and code phrases, for-profit business arms, billion dollar malls, and so forth.
7) We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. We just don't actually use any of them.
8) We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it supports our positions; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, noting that sometimes God makes gramatical errors.
9) We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal (which we admit is pretty much nothing), and we believe that He will yet reveal many things in total contradiction to previous revelations.
10) We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; and that Christ will return in a business suit to personally reign as CEO.
11) We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all other men the privilege to shut up.
12) We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Unless we don't like it. Though on the other hand we're open to changing our doctrines if the law is going to cost us.
13) We believe in lying for the lord, in looking outwardly virtuous, and in doing good to all men if the media is around; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul (except for the part about staying unmarried which was probably mistranslated or was Paul speaking as a man). We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things including cleaning the toilets, and hope to be able to endure all things with the aid of anti-depressants. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we will make sure to put a stop to it.
1) We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost, as three distinct beings, as of 1837 when we made several changes to the Book of Mormon to reflect this new theology.
2) We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, Cain's sins, the sins of Laman and Lemuel, the sins of their neighbors exercising free agency, and all ancestors who have incurred God's wrath unto the third and fourth generations, but not for Adam's transgression.
3) We believe that through the Atonement of Christ all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws, ordinances, secret handshakes and passwords of the LDS Gospel, and no other.
4) We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. Subsequent ordinances include receiving the priesthood of God, which is not allowed for women; washing with water and anointing with holy olive oil of various body parts, including the loins; being given protective underwear with embroidered Masonic symbols; watching a reenactment of the Garden of Eden while learning sacred names and handshakes; sealing with your spouse (or spouses for men) which is the only way God will let you be with your family after death; and if you appeal to the right people, a second anointing and endowment which assures your spot in the Celestial Kingdom.
5) We believe that a missionary must be called of God, by prophecy, or basically by his own decision to do so, and if he thus chooses, by the laying on of hands by his Stake President who is in authority, to preach the Gospel. However, this is a calling, and not an actual priesthood ordination, and thus the authority doesn't necessarily matter, but we're mentioning it now anyway. Men, not women, are called to receive the priesthood when they reach specific ages, thus being called of God, and are given the power to preside over other men and all women, and administer in the ordinances thereof. In this manner, even the lowest 12-year-old receives greater power and authority than the President of the United States, as well as his own mother.
6) We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, patriarchs, seventies, elders, stake presidents, Sunday School teachers, choristers, enrichment advisors, young women's presidents, mia maids, sunbeams, and so forth.
7) We believe in the gift of tongues, which is the ability to learn other languages better than other people, prophecy, which only comes through revelation, or good feelings, visions even though we won't let anyone officially admit to having them anymore, healing if it be God's will, interpretation of tongues which is somehow distinct from learning another language, and so forth.
8) We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly - the JST will show you where it is not; we also believe the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price, the Abrahamic Facsimiles, the Doctrine and Covenants including Section 132, everything that the current prophet says, and only things that past prophets have said that don't conflict with the current prophet, to be the word of God.
9) We believe all that God has revealed that our current church leaders allow us to study, all that He does now reveal, which regard our voting obligations and need to care for widows, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God, including the location of Zarahemla and when we need to all move to Missouri.
10) We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes, particularly Ephraim; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent, at Independence Missouri, and would have already been if it hadn't been for the sins of the early members of the church; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth, that we will all give everything we have to Him, and he will give us each back an equal portion according to what we need, regardless of how much work we have done - our motivation will be up to us on an internal basis; and, that the earth will be renewed from its current sinful state and receive its paradisimaniacal glory.
11) We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may, just so long as it's not a same-sex marriage, and so long as they didn't once accept Mormonism and have subsequently turned to a different religion, in which case they shall be expelled from BYU. We will not tire from striving to correct the false beliefs of others through massive missionary efforts and silencing members who say things that are contrary to the official doctrines of the church, whatever our stake presidents determine those to be.
12) We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, except in the case of polygamy, or if we are the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator. Clauses may be written into local documents, such as city charters, which allow us to break whatever laws we see fit. No exceptions will be granted to those living in Nazi Germany. We believe it just to deride government officials, incite war, and swear oaths of disloyalty in the temple when we believe our rulers are not being just.
13) We believe in being honest, except when making public statements about polygamy; truthy; chaste, especially with other men's wives; benevolent with giving our wives to the prophet; virtuous in how we appear to the world and each other; and in doing good to all men, except in cases of homosexuality; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul - We believe all things the current prophet says, we hope all things he says don't cause us guilt, we have endured many things in our sexual repression, and hope to be able to endure all things without masturbating even once. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, unless they come in conflict with our beliefs, which may or may not be in most cases.
1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the Angel Moroni, that all the world should be duped.
2. (And this duping was first done when Joseph Smith was Moneydigger of Palmyra).
3. And all the Mormons went to be duped, every one into his own wardhouse.
4. And Joseph Smith, Sr. also went up from Vermont, out of the city of Sharon, into upstate New York, unto the city of Palmyra (actually, it was a shabby little town which is also called Hicksville, because Joseph, Sr. was of the house and lineage of a long line of bums, misfits, vagabonds and ne'er-do-wells).
5. To hang around town doing nothing all day with his nutty wife and lazy kids, being heavy with nothing, having all kinds of time on their hands.
6. And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that the Golden Plates should be delivered.
7. And Joseph Smith, Jr. brought forth his first-born in a long line of scams and wrapped it in a blanket so that no one could see it, and laid his face in hat, because that's where the peepstone was.
8. And there were in the same country scoundrels--Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery--biding their time, keeping a lookout for a flock to fleece.
9. And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came unto Joseph Smith, Jr. and the glory of a White Salamander shone round about him; and he could hardly wait to get laid.
10. And the Angel Moroni said unto him, "Fear not for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great treasure, which shall be to all people, for there is a sucker born every minute.
11. "For unto you is made up this day in the town of Palmyra a money-making scheme which, Christ the Lord, is guaranteed to pay off.
12. "And this shall be the pitch for you: Ye shall find the Golden Plates buried in a hill behind your house--lying in, well, lying in whatever. You get it: lying, lying and more lying."
13. And suddenly there was with the Angel Moroni a multitude of disreputable Witnesses, pretty much all related, praising Joseph Smith, and saying:
14. "Glory to Joe in the highest, and on Earth we all get a piece of the action."
15. And it came to pass, as the Witnesses had gotten their stories lined up and God and Jesus had gone away from the Grove of Trees into heaven, they said one to another, "Let us now go with Joe even unto Nauvoo, and see this thing which is coming to pass, which a traveling showman passing through has made known to us by selling us some Egyptian mummies and some old papyrus."
16. And they came with haste and found Joseph not with Emma, but with several of his under-age wives and girlfriends lying in a bedroom.
17. And when they had seen it, they made known in an emergency session of the City Council the saying which was told them concerning this potential problem, which by that time had been printed in the Nauvoo Expositor.
18. And all they that read it wondered at those things which were published by the apostates.
19. But Joseph tried to keep all these things under control and pondered them in his heart, then ignored the Constitution, ordered the newspaper destroyed, was arrested and soon shot to death in the middle of yelling out the Masonic Cry of Distress from a jailhouse window:
"Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale to Joe in the Highest and on Earth, Pitch the Cult Toward Men (since the women don't count, anyway)."
The End
TO ALL NATIONS, KINDREDS, TONGUES, AND PEOPLE. Let it be known that I, Joseph Smith Jr., humble servant of the Lord have partaken of his presence, and am called of him to bring his word to the chosen of this generation.
Behold, when I was young, yea even at the age of fourteen, nay, fifteen? Well I don't remember the age but I was definitely in puberty. Anyway you get the point.
I remember at the time there was a great religious revival in the area at the time...or maybe there wasn't? Well I'm not sure...Maybe there was one at a later time even. Anyway I'm not too sure on the detail.
I went down to a grove of trees to find mushrooms and masturbate when suddenly I saw a visitation of angels...Nay! It was the Lord, I mean. He appeared to me. Ah well wait a second. No. There were two beings, but I didn't know who they are.
Anyway, that's pretty much it. Ah well actually, maybe one of them said "This is my beloved Son, hear him." Can't remember clearly anymore though.
Anyway that was all they said really. Or maybe they said something else.
Oh yeah they said my sins were forgiven.
Ah, actually no they didn't. They told me all the churches are corrupt. That's all they said.
Actually maybe they said "Jesus is the son of God".
So yeah...The angels. One of them had blue eyes and a light complexion. I mean it was Jesus. I mean they actually looked identical.
Anyway, well it went something like that.
THEREFORE I CALLED TO PREACH UNTO THEE O HOUSE OF ISRAEL. I AM HE OF WHOM IT IS WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF MORMON THAT A JOSEPH WOULD ARISE IN THE LAST DAYS.
My sister and I were laughing about how we should change the Articles of Faith to match what Mormons really believe. This is what we came up with.
1-We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in his prophet Joseph Smith who is right up there with Jesus, and in the Holy Ghost. We also believe that we will become a God and have our very own Jesus, Joseph, and Ghost on our own planets. We also have a Holy Mother, whom we sometimes try to sweep under the rug.
2-We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, but women will be punished for everyone�s sins. And really, we sure have a lot of sins, even without Adam, when you include stuff like swearing and coffee.
3-We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, but only if you also follow a bunch of rules that we made up later, because Christ wasn�t quite enough to get you out of hell. But if you push us on this, we'll point out that our definition of "saved" is different than what the rest of Christianity uses. But we're still Christian, remember!
4-We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Smith; second, Repentance of things that aren�t sins and are in fact, completely normal; third, Baptism by immersion at as young of an age as possible so your brain hasn�t fully developed when you make life altering decisions; fourth, Laying on of hand by any perve priesthood leader that feels like it.
5-We believe that a man must be called of God, or just be next in seniority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinance thereof. Anyone who hasn't had this done can only teach lies and foolishness; obviously this includes people like the Dalai Lama, but Christians of other faiths are just as unacceptable
6-We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, because even though everything else has changed by leaps and bounds in the last few thousand years, there�s no reason misogynistic practices should go out of style.
7-We believe in the gift of tongues, as long as it�s not like those crazy Baptists do when they start talking in gibberish.
8-We believe the Bible to be the world of God as far as it is translated correctly, which we all know it wasn�t, so we pretend it just doesn�t exist; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God even though there is absolutely no historical evidence to back it up.
9-We believe all that God has revealed all he plans to reveal unless it comes to how many earrings a woman should have or whether to change garment styles.
10-We believe that we will all have to pack all our belongings on handcarts and trek back to Missouri at the Second Coming because THAT is where Jesus will want to hang when he comes back, though we are not sure why we couldn't just drive, or why we don't all just move there now.
11-We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience and expect all men to worship in exactly the same way. Especially those uppity gays.
12-We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, unless they are a democrat or black.
13-We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men when we are talking to our bishop for our temple recommend. We believe anything you tell us, we hope you�re right, we have endured cognitive dissonance. If there is anything tedious, redundant or fattening, we seek after these things. If someone tells us about something that they think is pretty cool, we'll totally wait in line for an hour to get it.
From Ether in the Book of Mormon, Chapter 15, verses 28-34:
"28. And it came to pass that when the Jaredite Pilgrims, led by John Wayne "the Pilgrim" Coriantumr, had received sufficient strength after drinking great quantities of beer in the Nauvoo House bar of Joseph Smith that they could go forth into the woods looking for turkeys to slay for Thanksgiving dinner, they beheld Shiz the Turkey, who arose, and also his fellow turkeys, and Shiz the Turkey did vow in his wrath that he would slay John Wayne "the Pilgrim" Coriantumr and his Jaredite Pilgrims for wreaking death and destruction on the turkey inhabitants of the land or he would perish by the hatchet or by the axe.
"29. Wherefore, Shiz the Turkey did pursue them with vengeance in his heart, and on the morrow he did overtake them; and they fought again, the turkeys with their beaks and talons and the Jaredite Pilgrims with their hatchets and axes. And it came to pass that when they had all fallen by the hatchet and by the axe, yea, and by the beak and by the talon, save it were John Wayne "the Pilgrim" Coriantumr and Shiz the Turkey, behold Shiz the Turkey had fainted with the loss of blood.
"30. And it came to pass that when John Wayne "the Pilgrim" Coriantumr had leaned upon his long-handled steel axe, that he rested a little, he smote off the head of Shiz the Turkey.
"31. And it came to pass that after he had smitten off the head of Shiz the Turkey, that Shiz the Turkey raised up on his wings and fell; and after that he had struggled for breath that he might utter one last gobble-gobble, he died.
"32. And it came to pass that John Wayne "the Pilgrim" Coriantumr fell to the earth, and became as if he had no life because, yea, verily, Mormons have no life.
"33. And the Lord spake unto Ether, and said unto him: Go forth. And he went forth, and beheld that the words of the Lord had all been fulfilled; and he thus filled his stomach with turkey wings and legs that had also been smitten off by Ammon the Great Pilgrim; (and the hundredth part I have not written) and he hid the turkey leftovers in a hill in a manner that the people of Limhi did find them.
"34. Now the last words which are written by Ether are these: 'Whether the Lord will that I be able to eat all of the turkey, along with the Jell-O dessert, or that I suffer the will of the Lord in the flesh and instead do my hometeaching because it is the last Thursday of the month, it mattereth not, if it so be that the leftovers are saved for eating in the kingdom of God. Amen.'"
And let us not forget... - by Shummy
The lamen-table tale of that noble but drunken gobbler Laban who also lost his head . . . lest a nation dwindle away in tasteless stuffing and unsavory gravy.
And Nephi did write down the sayings of his father, yea even with a pencil did he write them down, with a pencil on a piece of paper did he write down the sayings of his father.
And after Nephi had finished writing down the sayings of his father with a pencil and a piece of paper, he did take the sayings of his father that he had written with pencil and a piece of paper to his wicked brothers, and he did say unto them.
Here are the sayings of my father that I have written down with a pencil and a piece of paper, even all the sayings of my father that could fit on the piece of paper, and my fingers hurt like hell because of all the writings of the sayings of my father.
Yea the writings that I did write with a pencil on this piece of paper that contain the sayings of my father.
For I Nephi delight in speaking plain words, in fact plainness delights me a lot.
And the paper was of considerable size and the brethren of Nephi said. - by copolt
It has been revealed to us that this paper, containing the sayings of our father, could be used to great advantage."(It being possible to fold and re-fold the paper that Nephi had written on with a pencil the sayings of his father).
And thus it came to pass that the paper was used to give much comfort and relief to Nephi`s brethren, especially Laman, who buried it in a hole of curious workmanship and said,"It`s probably best if no-one digs that up for a while."
And it came to pass that we did not have much paper ... (cuss) - by Michal F. Chattel
On which to write the most precious parts of the gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; who would come many years after I Nephi did write sparingly with pencil on this paper, which was obtain with much toil and hardship. Verily we thus decided to write in the reformed Egyptian, which was exceedingly and excruciatingly more compact than the language of our fathers.
And it came to pass we were able to save much paper, and write only the things that are most precious to the Lord God of Hosts upon this fine, exquisite paper of exceedingly fine workmanship. And behold, it came to pass that an angel of the Lord did appear unto us in a dream and a night vision that we should write the things of the Lord God of Hosts, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the most omniscient and merciful, in his most loving and tender mercies. And it also came to pass that we wrote sparingly on this most precious and exceedingly hard to obtain paper.
Verily I say unto thee because it was so very difficult to write upon this exquisite, fine, yea but exceedingly durable paper we did use our words even our writing of the Lord God of Hosts most, utterly, perfectly, and carefully in a sparing manner which is pleasing unto the Lord God of Hosts. Because of the difficulty in writing thereon we only write those things which are exceedingly important to the Lord God of Hosts, our rock and our salvation, the giver of all good gifts, verily, verily, verily he who led my father Lehi out of the land of Jerusalem those many years ago, with much hardship after much persecution, because of his preaching and calling others to repentance.
But verily, verily, verily I say unto thee that I do truly digress and that it shall come to pass that I will digress exceedingly throughout the writing on this exquisite paper which is so hard to obtain and verily, verily, verily so difficult on which to write.
And it shall come to pass that you shall cry unto your Savior and your Redeemer for mercy upon your tormented soul for salvation from the curse of reading this wretched writing that shall be translated in the latter-days by one who is called of God. Yea even the most blessed smart ass of them all, yea even Joseph Smith shall call one of the prophets in this wretched text Ether as a joke upon the dumb asses who actually believe this tripe. But verily, I say unto thee that most who read this abysmal work shall eat this shit sandwich with a grin upon their faces and shall thank those who prepared and served this most wretched sandwich for their eternal consumption.
Yea, and the reason I did NOT write that I was also wearing fine-twined linen when I wrote - by copolt
These most precious things of the Lord of Hosts (alpha and omega) in reformed Egyptian with a pencil on the paper which was obtained with much toil and hardship, was that there was not room enough after I took some of this exceedingly durable paper for the hole of curious workmanship, which I deemed to be a much more deserving cause and for which I had a more urgent need at the time.
After this, I did bury it in the ground which the Lord of Hosts did say was the best place for the other rubbish as well.
Thouest takest the Holy Hand Grenade by JW the Inquizzinator and starbright
Even the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.
Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
And it came to pass that I findeth that I still have a few minutes before Emma, - by gone AWOL for good
No verily, Emmiah, my wife, calleth me for supper, so I will continue with my sad and lonely tale.
For it came to pass that shortly after I did count to three I threweth the hand granade, and behold, verily, I did blow off the head of mine enemy.
Yea, verily, his head fleweth off like a cork out of a bottle of wine and his body fell to the floor.
And after his body felleth to the floor, behold he did rise up again upon his hands and I began to fear and tremble for my very life.
But lo, he felleth forward again and was still.
And I was thankful that I did not have to actually chop off his head like my ancestor, Nephi of old, did to Laban. For I do not like to get my clothes of fine linen soiled with blood. For blood cometh not out of fine linen except with much difficulty.
And if thou thinkest making paper is hard, try making fine linen. Thus we see that even our clothes, yea our clothes of fine linen and covered with all manmer of ornamentation are kept clean thru obedience to the Word of god.
But the wicked have no such promise and must wait eternally at the side of the river until their clothes are scrubbed clean.
Nevertheless they do they have hope. For their fine appearal can be cleansed also, yea even compleately cleansed if they do scrub and scrub until they are bleached every wit.
The stupidest thing (but true!) you'll ever hear about the BOM by Zeno Lorea
The Dutch editions printed from the 1970s through 1990s are filled throughout with asterisks *
On the first page, a footnote explains that the * is used throughout the book where the English edition uses "it came to pass" and "and it came to pass".
Is this also the case in some other languages?
Zeno, The Lord of Hosts, Alpha and Omega, would bring to your remembrance the... - by copolt
Precious things that were written on the exquisite, fine but durable paper, which was obtained with much toil and hardship whilst wearing fine-twined linen. Written with the pencil that the Eternal Father kept wonderfully sharp, for Nephi, whilst writing and looking through the Urim and Thingamabob, known from the times of Moses as the Urim and whatchamacallit.
And the paper was of much use to the brethren of Nephi for it gave them welcome relief, as can be witnessed by the contents of the hole of curious workmanship.
But, it is wisdom in me, saith the Lord Omnipotent, that you shall not go digging in the hole again or you`ll get one of the plagues of Egypt and I`m not talking frogs here.
Anyway, I digress, saith the Lord of Hosts, Alpha etc. For I have put into the hearts of men that they shall no longer waste paper even to the folding 3 or 4 times when used for relief and again substituting in my Holy scriptures an asterisk (*) in the place of "It came to pass". (We`ve finally arrived at the thing you were asking about Zeno)
I will not be mocked. For I, even I, the Greatest of them All, have had it up to here with the criticism. I rejoice in plain speaking and from this day forth I`ll work this sacred scam on the Dutch (for it is they who have defiled my holy temple according to their foolish tradition by wearing clogs instead of my holy slippers) and if this sacred scam bear fruit, that no one bothers to notice it, then it will be used elsewhere. But if it shall (*) that my clog-people shall cry "Foul" then ye shall break open the ancient chest and therein ye shall find the holy hand grenades of Antioch.
NB. As you can see Zeno it now seems to have been noticed and it`s partly your fault. Regards and the best of luck.
Little known trivia fact. by Skunk Puppet
And it came to pass, when the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch detonated, an unladen swallow was caught in the blast radius and killed.
Whether it was a European or African swallow is still the subject of much debate, yea, even to this very day.
Subject: Brethern, Adios. - by Koo Koo for Kaukaubeam
This is about the new PH/RS manual for 2008 (re Joseph Smith, who else?). The manual only mentions polygamy once, buried somewhere, and it's not overtly stated that Joseph Smith practiced it.
Here's a good reply:
Urim in reformed Egyptian means: "They will." Thumim in reformed Egyptian means: "Believe anything." The word "and" or just "&" (usually found between the word Urim and the word Thumim) can mean either: "usually" or "probably."
The reference I used was written by the hand of Abraham on some rather deteriorating papyrus, so I couldn't decipher his last sentence, but it was something about Bull S... and I couldn't make out the last word.
Hope this helps you broaden your understanding.
1. A Word of Weird-dumb, for the fattening of that silly circle of naturally high priests, assembled in Salt Lake City, and the lesser Joe Mo priests, and also the saints in eating the high quality beef of Zion--
2. To be sent with much eating; not by commitment patterns or restraint, but by regurgitation in the words of wizened old men, showing much froth in the ordering of root beer and the candy of God in the whole bowl of mastication of all saints until the last crumb--
3. Given for the principle servings with promise of more servings, adapted to the stomach capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.
4. Behold, cheerily, thus saith the Lord unto your cravings: In consequence of evils of vegetarians and designs of weight loss companies which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring vegans in the almost but not quite last days, I have sworn you, and sworn you more, to give me your word that you will see the wisdom of consumption bolstered by revelation--
5. That inasmuch as any Mormon eateth animals or strong animal byproducts among you, behold it is very good, and either meat or the things made from it is tasty in the sight of your Father, only make sure you often assemble yourselves together to offer up your animal sacraments before him.
6. And, behold, this should be consumed with root beer, yea, pure and not caffeinated root beer of the greatest tasting kind, of your own make.
7. And, again, caffeinated drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of gentile, inactive and apostate bellies.
8. And again, food cooked with wine or spirits is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for Mormons, but butter, lard, and vegetable oils are for meats and all baked goodies, to be used generously and with judiciousness and skill.
9. And again, coffee, teas, energy drinks, colas, wine, beer, hard liquors, smoking and drugs deemed illegal by the government are not for the body or belly.
10. And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome government approved drugs God hath ordained for the depression, overweight nature, and general complaints of Mormons--
11. Every drug in the season of your complaints thereof, and every ham after the funeral thereof; all these to be used substances and to be obtuse of their chemical natures and thanksgiving to the doctors who proscribe them.
12. Yea, flesh also of cows, pigs, sheep and of the chickens and turkeys of the farm, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of Mormons and not just on Thanksgiving; nevertheless they must to be used ever Sunday;
13. And it is pleasing unto me that they should be used, at all occasions, cold or hot, and definitely at family meals.
14. All grains, sugars, substitutes, additives and corn syrups are ordained for the use of Mormons and of hormonally enhanced domestic animals, to be the stuff to eat, not only for Mormons but women to increase their waists and the men of heaven to keep fat and their interests from all wild temptations that run or creep on the earth;
15. And these food cravings hath God made for the use of Mormons in times of excess pornography and excess sexual hunger.
16. All gaining weight is good for the Mormon; it is also the fatness of the divine; that which yieldeth fatness, whether in the upper body round or the lower body round--
17. Nevertheless, meat and potatoes for men, and corn syrup and bread for the woman, and baked goods for the children, and heads, feet, bones, blood, intestines, lungs, spleens, livers, ligaments, fat trimmings, unborn babies, and other parts not generally consumed by humans for the dogs and for cats, and for all beasts of the field, and other barely useful animals.
18. And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to ignore the ingredients, shall receive healthy expansions in their navels and narrowness to their minds;
19. And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures that have no real connection to the scriptures;
20. And shall have fun and not be cheery, and shall talk and not show restraint.
21. And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the organics and anti-additive bug shall pass by them, as the children of The True Church, and not bite them. Amen.
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father - Michael the Archangel, Adam, the "Ancient of Days" - although we now worship Elohim so as not to confuse our numerous anti-Mormon enemies.
2. We believe that men will be punished for doing their own thinking and for not reporting the transgressions of others.
3. We believe that all mankind will be saved by obedience to Church leaders on all levels, presuming, of course, that they do not contradict each other.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, faith in the infallibility of Church leaders; second, penance and uncensored confession to one's bishop; third, preserving one's Church membership at any cost; fourth, the need for a fourth principle has been eliminated by modern revelation.
5. We believe that a man be called of God usually by family origin, by the laying on of hands, but the granting of such privileges to women will require considerable public pressure.
6. We believe in much the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz., apostles, prophets, teachers, evangelists, seventies, etc., but we reserve the right to change things from time to time as we see fit.
7. We believe in the gifts of tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.
8. We believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as we can decipher its archaic vocabulary; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations.
9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that President Hinckley will tell us; and if he is too comatose, Elder Packer will do it for him.
10. We believe in literally scattering Israel throughout all nations and that all mankind, whether black or white, come from the tribe of Ephraim; that Zion is in Utah Valley or any other place where a Mormon of a pure heart can be found. Indeed, we may say that Zion can be found in the remotest, most God-forsaken corners of this world.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of the Brethren and require that all men do the same, and worship when, where, how or what is prescribed in the current Priesthood handbook and Ensign magazine. Attendance at symposia, or other open forums is an excommunicable offense.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it.
13. We believe in good lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, dark blue suits, white shirts, fashionable underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.
The Book of Jimmy (Lies, Damn Lies & Statistics) Rainbow
It being the seventh year of the second millennium, and notwithstanding that �Statistics is the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions� (Evan Esar), nevertheless I make an attempt to predict the future using the very statistics proclaimed (and some then altered over fifteen years) by the COP as shown in my previous thread �Church claimed 8,384 more missionaries called than was really the case� in the which attempt, my conclusions needed verification through revelation using all historical data from 1830 to the present day, presented to the laptop god, verified by the anti knee high virus protection and revealed through the pencil scribe via the Liahona model previously designed for the very purpose of achieving my goal. Thus we see that all things are not as they may at first seem�
The Very Small Plates of Jimmy, previously hidden in pp 102-106 of some 116 lost pages.
1. I Jimmy, having been born of a goodly mother and a crap father who then proceeded to leave us for another woman, therefore I was not taught somewhat in any of the learning of my father, yea not at all in his learning. This is as well as he was a coal miner and then a soldier fighting on the front lines during the Second World War and after that, a bus driver and I liked the idea of none of the above. Nevertheless, I have seen many afflictions in the course of my days and give a record of the statistical proceedings underlying the past, present and future regarding my peoples, well, yea the peoples I used to call mine anyway.
2. Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consisted of good and bad language so I am constrained to mostly use good language unless I get upset when I may have to use bad language. I may also use the language of my grandchildren so this may be read and understood by children and all future generations.
3. And I know that the record which I make is true, and I make it with my own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.
4. For it came to pass in the commencement of the 177th year of the reign of the small and yet abominable Church that I was in the state of vision and saw that I Jimmy was named after my father whose name was not Jimmy but my middle name was the same as my father so that has to be good enough. My grandfather�s name was the same as my fathers name but as that has as little significance as his father having the same name so I will not record that here as my fingers are already sore from holding the thingy with the which I am scratching on plates. I would have erased that but they have not, even by miraculous means, yet found an eraser that will remove the scratching from my plates. Also my tapir is getting restless and I must feed it soon.
5. And now, in line with our ancestor Alma who wrote in his book Ch13 v1 when he did cite the minds of the brethren forward to a time which had not yet come and talked of things impossible as they had not yet happened, as if they had already occurred, thus it is and as will I, again my brethren, (and sisters are invited too as I am not as sexist as Alma), and I would cite your minds forward to the time when the still small and yet very abominable Church shall put forth it�s statistics and lie for the Lord just as Jesus Smith taught lying for the Lord and conspired to deceive in the beginning.
6. And it came to pass that the small and yet still abominable Church aspired to be greater than all the other Churches and thus become the great and abominable Church but still wanted to call it something else. Nor did they realise that when they pointed one finger at another Church, three were pointing back at them. Therefore the big fifteen did appoint scribes and statisticians to �big it up�, a term we are not yet familiar with and from which the truthfulness of this record will be manifested in your heart for somewhere inside you will recognise the phrase and that is the witness to you that these things are verily true. Thus it is and your eyes shall be opened and you don�t even need to eat anything in order to see.
7. And it came to pass that Jimmy saw through the lies and exposed them but it did not matter as no one listened and all was well and the members controlled by the big fifteen still believed they were the fastest growing Church when indeed they were not even close and moreover they believed that they were adding many faithful members to the Church when indeed it was only numbers on something called paper which would be handier than plates to write on.
8. And it came to pass, as we have to write �and it came to pass� many times for it to look like a religious record despite the fact it doesn�t appear so much in the Bible, but more than enough in the Book of Mormon, that the heads of the small and abominable Church (which for the sake of space on these plates we will abbreviate to heads of the SM.A.C or SMACheads), released statistics in the Almanac for all to see and these are the days of the scribes and statisticians.
9. And it came to pass that by the year 1991 after a flurry of activity and healthy conversion figures, yet again it came to pass, that there were then eight million members at that time, on paper. And it came to pass that the scribes and the statisticians did cite their minds forward with an exponential curve based on the last few years progress and the SMACheads were well pleased as the scribes and the statisticians, who, based only on the previous 13 years curve (unlucky number for some in that day) did predict that the SMAC would probably exceed 70,000,000 members by 2070 and thus could become the GREAT and abominable Church which would be much more fitting and so they constructed a great and abominable (as well as spacious) building which had no room for any grass around it, so, as they had already bought the grass they put it on the roof for which the Lord has yet to reveal a purpose, just as with many of the symbols on the facsimiles in the Book of Abrajam, originally called Abraham, (am I changing history or was that a typo?) Yea, it was just a typo. The time may come when global warming and low oil reserves mean we have to go back to using tapirs which we will call horses in our day and they can be ridden to conference and can graze on the roof. Such is the forethought of the big fifteen. The elevators are not really big enough for many horses but then the miracle of the elevator shafts in the temple no doubt will be repeated in some way in the conference centre or maybe they will build a ramp by revelation. Nevertheless, I am scratching off the point and space is limited so I will write lots more after saying I have no room and wish to leave space for others who follow. And it came to pass that 1999 passed away also, and there still continued to be peace in the land, although I would be hard pushed to say which one. And thus did the two thousandth year pass away, and behold we had fireworks and also the two thousand first and third and no one mentioned what happened to the two thousandth and second just as in 4 Nephi, and the two thousandth and fourth, and the fifth, yea, even until I lost count and got confused as to how many years had passed away, and also the earlier years I missed and indeed many other individual years that there was absolutely no point in writing down did also pass away. Let�s just say that MANY years had passed away. And it came to pass that the two thousandth and fourth year passed away, and also the two thousandth and fifth year, yea, and in fine, till the two thousandth and sixth year had passed away; yea, even one hundred and seventy six years had passed away since Jesus Smith lied.
10. And it came to pass (and I wish it had not come along in the first place and then we wouldn�t have to wait for it to pass), that on the way, the Church statisticians projection showed thirty five million members by 2020 or so. And thus we see that being premature is very silly, as by now in 2007, on that scale we should see some twenty one million members (give or take a million) right now and even with distortion they can only muster less than 13,000,000 so they are short some seven million or more already and even then we know through revelation on attendance and tithing, that less than a third of those are really members in the real sense. Thus we see that there are lies, damn lies and statistics but only with statistics can you fool most of the people most of the time as the key to the understanding is not given to all.
11. To some it is given to provide the figures and to others is given the interpretation of the figures. I am the god of numbers and the numbers were not the same yesterday, they have been changed today and will no doubt completely change tomorrow. Thus we see that nothing changes.
12. In other words, do not trust numbers, numbers are of the beast, he already has three, some believe six is the only one but behold he has more and presents them in secret combinations to deceive the righteous and yea, he is successful in his deceit and he has the big fifteen on his side and no one knows of this.
13. Thus we see that as time passes, all things are brought into view as I will reveal secrets not before known unto this generation. In other words, Jimmy has been sent to bring truth and light into the numbers but as it is winter and we worry about global warming, he will leave the light off and just bring truth to the numbers.
14. And it came to pass yet again, that the year of 1989 was after all an anomaly when over half a million new members were recorded and it has never happened since. Moreover the magical figure of 500,000 which was only that once achieved became hard for the people and they became discouraged when pushed to find new people to convert and they said �Preach not unto us hard things, preach unto us smooth things� but the SMACheads would not listen and said every young man must go on a mission and every member must still be a missionary.
15. And it came to pass that per capita, fewer and fewer missionaries went out despite the command and the magic figure has never been hit again since then.
16. In other words, indeed, one may say that it has become impossible as there are not enough missionaries and people are becoming worldlier. In other words, they have found the beast and they love and trust the beast more than the numbers of the SMAC and the name of the beast is Internet and thus he was known in his days and many there were who flocked unto it for advice and the odd Google search.
17. And it came to pass in those days that the SMACheads were angry at the numbers; and the scribes and the statisticians did dream up ways of altering the numbers and thus it was, that after reporting new child baptism�s up to the late nineties they appear to have then included in the figures ALL children of record instead and subsequently all new births, thus increasing or maintaining the membership figures and keeping some dignity to the numbers, notwithstanding that most other Churches only include active baptised members in their numbers which are all available from the beast.
18. And thus we see that you can do anything with statistics. And it came to pass that the SMACheads were still not satisfied and that the missionary number kept falling and there were none who could stop the fall and great was the fall thereof. That is, other than statisticians who can change anything by numbers. And it came to pass that they lied about the missionary numbers but that did not increase the convert baptisms and they did wonder why that was, for the numbers were there, but they were only on paper and they were blind to the effects of lying. And it came to pass in 2007 it was obvious and so they reprinted the figures, altering them all from 1990 to 2004 which gave a clearer picture of the descending trends.
19. Nevertheless, the missionary numbers did steadily fall per capita and the SMACheads were angry and there was weeping and wailing but there was yet no gnashing of teeth as the big fifteen were old and most had no teeth and their dentures are expensive and of course there is no paid ministry, so they tell us. But behold, one who stood among them did remember the health plan they all had and then there was gnashing of teeth but not against each other. No, they had to fix the blame so the head of the SMACheads did approach the MTC and address the missionaries and did wail at them and gnash his teeth at them and told them they were no good but they were all the Lord had; and to get out there and baptise many more converts. And many other things did he say in this age to the media to be popular with the gentiles, hoping members would not notice and telling Mission Presidents to ignore what he said in the press; such as, the Lord does not give revelations any more and he does not know that we teach fundamental principles but that we teach couplets instead. Thus we see the workings of the Lord in these the last days as instead he says �isn�t it wonderful� that when they think on things and pray about them, then the feeling comes as to what to do. Isn�t it indeed marvellous that he is blessed with exactly the same process as everyone else in the world regardless of their belief? Indeed it is a marvel to behold. This verse is a long verse because you have to have long verses sometimes but I know not why.
20. Jimmy laughed. (You also have to have short verses for credibility).
21. And it came to pass that if Jimmy had copied and pasted �and it came to pass� it would have been quicker to write the revelation but behold it was not revealed unto him until it was too late or he forgot, whichever you prefer. He had tried to look at a stone in a hat but all he could read, he did not comprehend, as the message read �Why do you look at a stone in a hat? Why do you not pull a rabbit out of the hat like any other magician�? Then Jimmy confessed that he had never been a treasure seeking seer and could not read the stone, falling into the ways of men and doing only arm wrestling as he wasn�t keen on getting dirty and wrestling on the ground. Jimmy was forgiven and told to just rely on the stats. And thus we see the mercy of the hat god.
22. And it came to pass that in the last three consecutive full published years 2003 � 2005 the net growth position has been well below 300,000 for the first time since 1987 (and the ten month figure to Oct 2006 is similar) when there were 6.4 million members (with the exception of one year, 1993 when net growth was 285,081 and there were 8.6 million members) and growth continues to drop. And it came to pass that Jimmy finally got to the point and can say that the new converts stayed generally in the 300,000�s for years despite the underlying increase in overall membership. And thus we see a decrease in membership per capita. And now behold, my propelling pencil has lost it�s spring and behold I have carved another out of wood using a pen knife made of steel which does not exist so perhaps it was something else I used but thus we see I have a pencil and that works and whilst I have not managed to kill anything for my family to eat with it, I can at least write with it. It is the Sabbath and I cannot buy a new refill. It is not that the places they now call stores are not open, as indeed they are but more that (to use my grandchildren�s language), I can�t be arsed to go out and get one and dinner smells good too.
23. Behold, Jimmy can predict that following the curve now plotted according to the last few years, that if this trend continues, the rough figures show the Church (assuming no change to the parameters) finally reaching a peak at 35,000,000 members around 3037 when it will start to decline.
24. However, Jimmy developed a model that includes the dynamics of the beast Internet; and then you can predict what you like. Internet is still young and has yet to grow in stature. My bet is, taking all things into account, including more members leaving who discover the truth, that the Church may peak at less than 20,000,000 members and then be somewhat static and finally slowly decline before the year 2050 but that can change dramatically based on many influencing factors. Particularly if there is strong media or movie coverage concerning the truth at some stage. Time will tell and thus we shall see and all things will become clearer after my next eye test.
25. And now citing you back to the time of Jesus Smith; thus we see that the conspiracy continues unto this day and Jesus Smith was called a liar, a cheat, swindler, adulterer, hoaxer, conspirator, traitor, philanderer, murderer and a pious fraud among many other things. (Historical note, the word �pious� appears to have been inserted above the line of text of the second handwritten copy sometime after the first edition and it does not appear in the original hand written text now in the hands of the RLDS sub culture of the also un-chosen. �Pious� was an unfamiliar word to our peoples and not in �vogue� or found in the book of Dan in the Bible for example). Nevertheless we knew him to be the liar as extant evidence shows that indeed on occasion his pants were on fire which marvellous thing was witnessed by many persons, who unfortunately, not understanding the significance of such a phenomenon, in the main died without recording the event. One single source, and that being through revelation, survives. Unfortunately, it is an unfriendly source of revelation which Church historians and apologists deride as being unhelpful and unreliable. In other words, it came to pass; and no one understood the miracle surrounding �Liar, liar, pants on fire� in those days and so it was dismissed as more of a couplet than anything.
26. And behold, I finish my writing as there is little space on the plates but having said that, as with our ancestors I must now write a few more pointless pages covering rubbish already covered for no apparent reason or it will not look like confusing ancient scripture such as that transfiguramilated by Jesus Smith from desiccated reformed (or reconstituted) coconut Egyptian into the modern language not constituting hot drinks or tobacco but beer is ok just not spirits, evil or otherwise.
27. Jimmy knows that past prophets have had nasty things done to their work after they died. Please do NOT change my pencil scribble to INK or FELT TIP later or do other devious works like you did with my friend Jesus Smith who only EVER claimed he saw Nephi and now everyone thinks it was Moroni. Why would they do that? There was no need but the habit of lying even without reason has to be maintained or you get out of practice and that will not do at all.
28. Having thoroughly studied the genealogies of my family and my peoples, as I was commanded, I learn I am of distant royal blood and of royal (albeit obscure) descent. I can state categorically (and herein is my claim to authority in the same way that descendants of Aaron who you can�t find of course, can automatically be Bishops, until they find one given the lineage by an aging senile Patriarch when they will of course change the rules) that in my country, if 49,285,763 people died, I would be the Queen of England. (Historical note � this verse seems to have been added much later by someone pretending to be the Jimmy but we are not sure as there is no extant evidence to support the authenticity of the writing or the claim).
29. And now I say adieu. Or in other words, So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, the sun has gone to bed and so must I. Drawn flaming swords forever and I come quickly but that is my problem, not yours. Amen.
30. Jimmy doesn�t like odd numbers so we have to have verse 30 for no apparent reason at all. Besides if the work pans out to be wrong, we may need to alter, add, delete or change at will in order to keep up with the times, public opinion, being politically correct, be in line with our ever changing unchangeable views or to confuse the already confused even more if we can.
Written on a napkin in my own hand and even on my own hand when I ran out of napkin. J.R.
1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the Angel Moroni, that all the world should be duped.
2. (And this duping was first done when Joseph Smith was Moneydigger of Palmyra).
3. And all the Mormons went to be duped, every one into his own wardhouse.
4. And Joseph Smith, Sr. also went up from Vermont, out of the city of Sharon, into upstate New York, unto the city of Palmyra (actually, it was a shabby little town which is also called Hicksville, because Joseph, Sr. was of the house and lineage of a long line of bums, misfits, vagabonds and ne'er-do-wells).
5. To hang around town doing nothing all day with his nutty wife and lazy kids, being heavy with nothing, having all kinds of time on their hands.
6. And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that the Golden Plates should be delivered.
7. And Joseph Smith, Jr. brought forth his first-born in a long line of scams and wrapped it in a blanket so that no one could see it, and laid his face in hat, because that's where the peepstone was.
8. And there were in the same country scoundrels--Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery--biding their time, keeping a lookout for a flock to fleece.
9. And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came unto Joseph Smith, Jr. and the glory of a White Salamander shone round about him; and he could hardly wait to get laid.
10. And the Angel Moroni said unto him, "Fear not for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great treasure, which shall be to all people, for there is a sucker born every minute.
11. "For unto you is made up this day in the town of Palmyra a money-making scheme which, Christ the Lord, is guaranteed to pay off.
12. "And this shall be the pitch for you: Ye shall find the Golden Plates buried in a hill behind your house--lying in, well, lying in whatever. You get it: lying, lying and more lying."
13. And suddenly there was with the Angel Moroni a multitude of disreputable Witnesses, pretty much all related, praising Joseph Smith, and saying:
14. "Glory to Joe in the highest, and on Earth we all get a piece of the action."
15. And it came to pass, as the Witnesses had gotten their stories lined up and God and Jesus had gone away from the Grove of Trees into heaven, they said one to another, "Let us now go with Joe even unto Nauvoo, and see this thing which is coming to pass, which a traveling showman passing through has made known to us by selling us some Egyptian mummies and some old papyrus."
16. And they came with haste and found Joseph not with Emma, but with several of his under-age wives and girlfriends lying in a bedroom.
17. And when they had seen it, they made known in an emergency session of the City Council the saying which was told them concerning this potential problem, which by that time had been printed in the Nauvoo Expositor.
18. And all they that read it wondered at those things which were published by the apostates.
19. But Joseph tried to keep all these things under control and pondered them in his heart, then ignored the Constitution, ordered the newspaper destroyed, was arrested and soon shot to death in the middle of yelling out the Masonic Cry of Distress from a jailhouse window:
"Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale, Pay Lay Ale to Joe in the Highest and on Earth, Pitch the Cult Toward Men (since the women don't count, anyway)."
The End
December 1,2006
President Hinckley explains how the revelation came to be. "Sheri and I had just returned from a visit to Sonic (cherry limeade and tots is a great combination), and as I settled into the barcalounger to watch "What Not to Wear," the revelation just came rolling out, like pure strokes of intelligence."
Sister Dew recounted the intensely spiritual experience: "His face changed to a clear, trance-like expression, and at first I thought he was having a stroke. But the words started flowing; I believe I was prompted by the spirit to bring my Blackberry, and I got it all written down."
FARMS director and Food Sciences Professor Daniel Midgley-Welch commented on the divine origins of the revelation: "The language is unmistakably that of the Lord: clear and concise, and yet almost poetic. And the complete absence of chiasmus strongly points to heavenly origins."
The full text of the revelation is as follows:
1. Blessed are the MBAs, for they shall lead my sheep.
2. Blessed are the real estate developers, for they shall inherit the earth.
3. Blessed are obfuscators, for they shall expound my scriptures.
4. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after numerical growth: for they shall be promoted in the hierarchy.
5. Blessed are the lucrative, for they shall have lucre.
6. Blessed are those who touch not the little factory, for they shall obtain forgiveneness.
7. Blessed are the conformists, for they shall be called the children of God.
8. Blessed are they who suffer ridicule for the church's sake, for they shall be called FARMS.
Reached for comment, Jesus simply rolled his eyes and smiled ruefully.
The Thirteen Articles of Faith (newly revelated and updated)
1. We believe in Fraud, the Infernal Father, and in His Son Jesus Adam-God Christ, and in Holy Creamed Corn over Toast.
2. We believe that Mormon women will be persecuted for their own sins and especially for Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the abandonment of Christ, all Mormons can be saved through works, by obedience to the flaws and ordinances of the Gospel.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Blind Faith in the leaders of the Mormon Cult; second, No Repentance for forgetting the first principle and ordinance of the Gospel; third, Salvation by suppression of the re-transmission of individual thought; fourth, Laying on of guilt for the sin of using your throat.
5. We believe that a man must be called the head of the House, the head of the Church and the the head of Universe, by sophistry, and by laying it on non-stop, by those who are in authority, simply because they say they are in authority, to preach and leech on the basis of a wild tale made up by an uneducated, 14-year-old farmboy, having something to do with talking to God in the backwoods on the frontier New York State thereof.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, only now we claim to be even more primitive.
7. We believe in the gift of tongue-lashing, profits see!!!, obfuscation, visions of grandeur, heeling on command, no unauthorized interpretation of tongue-lashing, and so on and so on and scoobie-doobie dooooooo.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as we have trampled it completely. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be a clunky work of fiction.
9. We believe in all that the Mormon God steals, all that he may now steal, and we believe that he will yet steal many great and important things from your wallet pertaining to Corporation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Shopping Mall Saints.
10. We believe in the literal take-over of planet Earth by the Mormons and in the restoration of polygamy and blood atonement; that Lyin' Zion (the We-Knew-It-Would-Be-Gruesome-New Jerusalem) will be built upon prophets discontinent; that Mormons will rain on your parade; and that the Earth (at least up the I-15 corridor), will be repaved and renewed, in time for Salt Lake City to receive its scandalized Olympic glory.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping the Almighty Dollar according to the dictates of our own accountants, and allow all men (but no women) special privileges, let the priesthood be worshipped now, where and how we please.
12. We believe in subjegating Gays, Feminists, Intellectuals, Blacks, Gentiles, Indians, and Non-Mormons, in disobeying, dissing and subverting the law.
13. We believe in being dishonest, untrue and unchaste multiple-wivers, as well as being unbenevolent, tortuous, and in doing bad things to all women, including underage girls, in polygamous communities throughout Utah and parts of Arizona, Texas and Canada; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul H. Dunn--We make up all things, we hope you do not discover these things, we have made up many things, and hope to be able to make up many more things. If there is anything that we can do through deceptive missionary door approaches to get into your house and take your money and your things, we seek after these things.
Shouldn't a true church stop the deception? They badly need to. Think what a shock it is for a person with an active interest in the visible world to read the "Doctrine and Covenants," and the "Pearl of Great Fraud." You don't find the church paying much lip service to the "Pearl of Great Fraud." Its the door to some real revelations, the kind the church does not want one to have.
They can't be honest, of course, but with so much information available, the church is in a bind. They have their asses in a crack. Tell the truth, and you get no converts. Let people find out the truth, and you have no members. What a sorry mess Joseph Smith made of things--including the lives of so many decent people."
1. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared prayed to the Lord, to know from the Lord whether boats should be built to cross the great waters.
2. And the Lord answered and said, "Lo, it is not meet that boats should be built. For a land bridge has been prepared. Mine arm has built the glaciers and shrunk the sea, and you shall pass over to the promised land on dry ground. Wherefore, head north, and then towards the rising sun, and you shall find the land bridge I have prepared. Build no boats, but bring a parka, for the crossing shall be cold, and remember the words of your mother- never go out into the cold without a parka." (anon)
3. And there were great murmurings as those who followed the brother of Jared walked and walked and walked and walked. (Stray Mutt)
4. And it must needs be that they walked, for the Lord would not suffer them to bring horses into the new land save it be very small toy horses made of wood. And thus it came to pass that horses were brought into the land, but were not useful for plowing or riding or warfare. Behold the wisdom of God, that the wicked remnants of the people could so easily be overcome by the horse-riding bearded ones from Europe. (anon)
5. And it came to pass that when they reached to cold lands, the people did murmur further; How shall we keep ourselves warm? And the brother of Jared said unto them, Forget ye not the parkas which the Lord hath commanded us to prepare. (Stray Mutt)
6. And the people answered, We knowest not of these parkas which the Lord hath commanded. How shall we fashion them?
7. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did pray mightily unto the Lord; We desirest to obey thy word, O Lord, and to take upon us the holy parkas, but we knowest not what a parka is.
8. And it came to pass the Lord did hear the brother of Jared and did stretch forth his hand, which did contain a North Face catalogue, a telephone and an American Express card made of most precious gold. (Stray Mutt)
9. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did order an abundant number of parkas, a lot even, but the people did murmur exceedingly when the brother of Jared doth not use overnight shipping, thus the journey was slow and exceedingly boring until the fedex dude did show his face, even his truck he did show and the walkith into the promised land doth begun, it started even. (Balard123)
10. And behold, the women folk began to murmer for the color of the parkas which the Lord their God hath supplied was not to their liking. And they were rebuked by the brother of Jared, saying "Knowest thou not that thou art high maintenance?" (wine country girl)
11. And again it came to pass that an exceedingly great number of the brother of Jared began to be lifted up in the pride of their hearts because the Lord, even their God, had seen fit in his exceeding mercy to bless them, yea, verily I say to bless them with coats made of exceedingly fine fabric, yea, even Goretex Parkas and pants and boots, which fabric did repel moisture from the outside but nevertheless retained breathable qualities, yea, breathable like unto cotton.
12. And they began to look down on their more humble brethren, whom the Lord did not see fit to equip with such exceedingly fine Goretex, and who therefore had to resort through their own labor and by the sweat of their own brow to fashion clothes made of curelom and cummom. And behold, the workmanship thereof was not so fine as that of those whom the Lord had seen fit to bless with garments of Goretex, and the waterproofing ability thereof was not so fine as that of the Goretex, and the ability to respire whilst keeping its wearer warm was not so fine as that of the Goretex.
13. And verily it came to pass that as they began to be lifted up in their hearts, they began to look down on their brethren wearing skins of curelom and cummom, and to mock them saying "Behold, thou art forced to wear these uncomely curelom and cummom skins, and behold, they doth make thou look ugly, and behold, the skin thereof is not warm and does not protect you from the snow likeunto our Goretex. Indeed, thou dost look ugly and must watch out nightly for fear of being set upon by lonely cureloms and cummoms." And similar words did they use to mock their brethren. And the Lord was mightily peeved. (spinner)
14. Wherefore the Lord did begin to smite the wearers of Goretex, and caused them a sore cursing, yea, even upon their feet. Their boots became those of lesser quality, and were sewn in the manner of moccasins. And their feet became wet and frigid with cold.
15. And it came to pass that their brethren that were wearing the curelom and cummom apparel did laugh exceedingly. As a tribute of the whole experience, they all did break forth with the vodka and stogies that they had stored, and have a wonderful party to celebrate the newfound humility of their brethren. (starbright)
16. And behold, the women folk then hastily sought flowers of the most pastel colors, thus that they might add to the parkas. The Lord saw the flowers, and it did please him, and in the bosoms of the women he put a burning of the spirit. (Webz)
17. And a burning in their loins. Yeah. (wcg)
18. And behold again they were so great in their faith that the idiot brother of Jared never thought to ask his mother or even the lord, yea verily, just what the fuck his name was.
19. I say these things unto thee that thou might be eternally confused and in the dark. (Charley)
20. And verily the mother of the brother of Jared told her son that he had no name. For he was born at a time where all the good names in town were taken, and an Angel of the Lord came to her and said unto her, "Mother of Jared. Thy youngest child shall not have a name, for God decided all the good names are taken. Tho shalt refer to him forever as the brother of Jared, for Jared is more important than either of you, and that is why your whole family must relate henceforth as the 'of Jareds.' Any attempt at naming thyselves will cause Our Lord, thy God to throw a huge fuss, and smite thy ass with lightning, and color your asses black. Word"
21. The mother of Jared looked in awe of this Angel, and said "amen?" (Webz)
24. And it came to pass that the pass that they did pass, even into was exceedingly narrow and the air did not move well which brought a great stinkith that did come from too much curloms jerky, even cummons. So they dropped everything and ran like the wind that pass without them.
25. Thus they were delivered out of the pass as god had intended. (Balard123)
26.
And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did lead the people unto the narrow neck of land separating the land west, which was the land of their first inheritance, and the land east, which was the land of their second inheritance. And there was thankfulness among the people, for, surely, the Lord had kept his promise.
27. Let us go, said the brother of Jared, and make a feast of thankfulness unto the Lord, for He hath kept His promise, and delivered us unto the land of our second inheritance. Bring ye forth a fatted calf and the firstlings of thy flocks.
28. But, behold, there was stillness and silence among the people.
29. And it came to pass the brother of Jared asked, Wherefore do ye bring forth neither the fatted calf nor the firstlings of thy flocks, that we may make a feast of thankfulness?
30. And when the brother of Jared had asked these things, the second cousin twice removed of Jared did step forth and declare, Behold, we have no livestock, for the last was eaten somewhere neigh unto Manchuria. Verily, the trip has been longer than expected.
31. And when he heard these things, the Brother of Jared was roth and did curse the people; O great! What are we to do now?
32. And it came to pass that the second cousin twice removed of Jared did say; Ask again of the Lord, who has saved us many times in the past.
33. And it came to pass the brother of Jared did again pray unto the Lord; Wherefore shall we eat in this frozen wasteland? Can we order in food with the card of gold? And the Lord did answer; go ye and hunt the great white bear that liveth upon the ice.
34. And it came to pass that when the brother of Jared did reveal the Lord�s plan unto the people, they did proclaim with one voice; Are you fucking crazy?
35. But, yea, the brother of Jared was a man of exceeding faith and righteousness. Yea, he did trust in the word of the Lord. And so, on the next morning, the brother of Jared did go alone to hunt the great white bear that liveth upon the ice. The Lord hath commanded and, verily, the Lord shall provide a way that this thing may be accomplished, proclaimed the brother of Jared.
36. And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did find the great white bear. But, verily, the great white bear did slay the brother of Jared.
37. And it came to pass on the morning of the second day the people did find the bloody Goretex raiment of the brother of Jared, and they were glad; for the brother of Jared had been a self-righteous prick the whole journey.
38. And it came to pass the the second cousin twice removed of Jared did speak unto the people; Behold, I have
had a vision. In the land south are warm beaches and beautiful weather. Let us go there.
39. And so they did go south. (Stray Mutt)
40. And it came to pass that the second cousin twice removed of Jared found the beach and righteous waves
41. And it came to pass that the second cousin twice removed of Jared did lead his people that were formally known as the people of Brother Jared south to the climes of warmth and sunshine that they did shed the skins of Goretex, curloms, commons. This made all men equal in the eyes of God once more, but more importantly it made all the babes righteous in the eyes of all men as they had forgot to pack righteous underwear.
42. And it came to pass that all women were forced to run into the waves of water that crashed on the beach, even the sandy beach, woaa woaa. This forced the men to discover a means to pursue the most righteous women into the water.
43. All men turned to the second cousin twice removed of Jared and ask him to plead with god to provide the means to brave the righteous wave as all men were shitty swimmers.
44. The second cousin twice removed of Jared did placate himself, why I don�t know, and then ask God to
deliver his people unto the righteous waves.
45. God look down at his people, and doth told his faithful servant the second cousin twice removed of Jared, you
guys are a bunch of idiots, just remove the boards that your wooden horses are fasten to and use them as boards
on the surf, and get a shorter name.
46. And it came to pass that Cous Jared did ask God what shall they do for horses to pull on there chariots when they get
around to making them. God did swing his head to and fro exceedingly at what an idiot Cous Jared was and said, haven�t
you ever heard of a tapir? Cous Jared did stare as if he were a deer into headlights.
47. And it came to pass that the men did remove the boards from the wooden horses and enter the water they did on there boards of surf.
48. And it came to pass that by the time Cous Jared and the other men removed the horses, smoothed and waxed
their boards of surf the women had turn not unlike the prune and found a gap with which took the card of gold were by they bought righteous underwear, and tight fitting jeans
49. Next Chapter were in Cous Jared and all righteous men find out the meaning of wipeout. (Balard123)
50. A flashback: As the people of Cous Jared did relax upon the warm sand, their hearts were made glad, for they did remember the time of tribulation before reaching the land of beaches. Verily, after their liberation from the oppressive hand of the brother of Jared, whom the Lord did deliver unto the great white bear, the people did follow Cous Jared southward, for he had a vision.
51. And it came to pass that they journeyed southward, along the border of the great sea, which they called Ginormous, meaning great sea. They did journey from the frozen wasteland unto the land of endless moisture.
51. And the people cried unto Cous Jared; Where art the warm beaches and sunshine? For behold, we have traveled the space of many moons and we have yet to see the sun. What shall become of us? Have we displeased the Lord that he maketh the sun not to shine and the moisture to fall without end?
52. And it came to pass the people of Cous Jared became sick at heart and would not rise from their beds. And they did lament from their beds; Woe unto us, for our strength is gone and we see not the point of rising. Woe unto us, for it is yet another day without the sun.
53. And it came to pass that a third of the host of the people of Cous Jared did take their own lives rather than face another day of endless moisture.
54. And there was great lamentation among the people of Cous Jared, for they did wish they too could die, but
they had not the courage nor the strength to do that which they desired. And they did cry unto Cous Jared; If this
be the land of our second inheritance, then we would rather return to the land of our first inheritance, if we had
the strength.
55. And it came to pass that Cous Jared did hear the lamentations of the people and, though he was not as righteous as the brother of Jared, he did pray unto the Lord for the deliverance of the people.
56. And the Lord did say unto Cous Jared; Because thou prayest for thy people and not for thyself, I will answer thy prayer. And again the Lord did stretch forth His hand and did deliver unto Cous Jared a big steamy cup of coffee. Drink this in memory of me, saith the Lord. And Cous Jared did drink, and it was good. And the Lord said; Look ye for the sign of the two-tailed fish queen. There ye shall find much coffee to gladden the hearts of the people. And they shall arise from their beds even though the day be dark and wet. And they will have no more desire to endeth their own lives.
57. And it came to pass that the people of Cous Jared did find the two-tailed fish queen wherever they did look. And whenever they did partake of the coffee, they did remember the Lord, saying; O God, this is good.
58. Thus was the glad memory of the people of Cous Jared as they did warm themselves in the sun. (Stray Mutt)
I was born of God-fearing Nephite parents, who for some strange reason gave me the Greek name of Timotheus. Fast-forward a few years, and one day I was out working in the fields with my father when the sky suddenly went dark, and horrific storms and earthquakes, and fires happened. We groped our way home, and for 3 days we huddled in our darkened house, unable even to start a fire.
Finally, we heard a voice out of the darkness, and we saw a man in white coming down from heaven. He said, if I remember correctly, "I am Jesus Christ. I love you, and that's why I destroyed all these cities and killed all these people. To show you how much I love you in particular, I let you live and only suffer for 3 days."
He came down and blessed and taught the people. He must have had a photographic memory because He repeated almost verbatim the exact things He had said in the King James Version of the Bible. Needless to say, I was impressed.
One day, He called 12 of us out of the crowd. I was shocked, but He chose me to be one of His disciples. How could I say no? After He had again taught us from memory, He asked us if we desired anything. I got a little greedy and asked if I could live until He came again. After all, how long could it be? He said a generation wouldn't pass away, right? So, I was thinking, you know, 70-80 years, max. Dumb move.
So here I am 2,000 years later. What, you may ask, have I been doing all this time? Well, for the first 100 years or so, the other two and I lived among the people, teaching them. But they got tired of us and called us self-righteous prigs. Sometimes I think they might have been right. So, they cast us out, and we just kind of hung out for 1,800 years or so. Played a lot of UNO.
Suddenly, we get a call from Jehovah, and I'm thinking, Great, we have something important to do. So, what happens? We have to spread plaster in David Whitmer's field. WTF? Couldn't they have found something more important for us to do, you know, something more in keeping with our apostolic calling?
But that's the way it's always been. When they need revelations, they call in Peter, James, and John (those losers), and sometimes Moses and Elijah. But not us, oh, no. In the early days of the church, we got to push a lot of handcarts; that wasn't so bad, and it was kind of fun to see the expressions on the pioneers' faces when they couldn't see who was pushing. But that was a long time ago, and our assignments now are few and far between. Occasionally, we get to rescue a child from certain death, but mostly we get the "special" assignments, like standing out on I-15 hitchhiking so that we can warn people to get their food storage ready.
I've had enough. 2,000 years of this, and there's nothing important to do? I just don't see the purpose anymore. I turned in my resignation last week, and I'm waiting for confirmation from Salt Lake. The problem is, the people in Greg Dodge's office think my letter is a joke. I mean, nobody even believes I exist. Totally sucks.
If our Heavenly B. Father is Omnipotent, Omnipresent and Omniscient, is He also Omnisexual? In other words, can He say:
"Behold, I am God Himself, and I can Fuck anything I want to fuck, and it will be just fine because I am Fucking God
and I make all of the fucking rules -- ALL OF THEM, YOU WHINY FUCKERS! ANY MORE FUCKING QUESTIONS?
"And if any of you worthless sinners get overwrought under the weight of all the unending plagues, pestilences and
calamities I seem to enjoy heaping on your sorry heads, and if you get pissed of enough to pray to Me, HEAVENLY
FATHER, WHY DON'T YOU (OR WHY DOST THOU NOT) JUST FUCK YOURSELF (OR FUCK THYSELF)? In that case, I AM GOD and I
will decide whether or not to FUCK MYSELF. And if you don't think I am capable of FUCKING MYSELF, THEN FUCK
YOU FUCKERS! I AM FUCKING GOD AND IF I WANT TO GODDAMNED FUCKING FUCK MYSELF, THEN NOBODY IS GOING TO FUCKING
STOP ME, FUCKERS! DO I MAKE MY LORD GOD SELF PERFECTLY AND FUCKINGLY CLEAR?
"Shit. Now you got me worked up. Sometimes being GODDAMNED FUCKING GOD isn't all it was cracked up to be back when
I was an Aaronic Penishood boy who resisted the temptation to play with my Little Factory and eventually fucking became
GOD because I was so GODDAMNED FUCKING ETERNALLY RIGHTEOUS AND GOT A PERFECT SCORE OBEYING ALL THE ETERNAL PROGRESSION
COMMANDMENTS AND ALL THAT SHIT.
"Personally, if I had it to do all over again, I think I would have just jerked off all the time like a normal boy.
If I had done that, I wouldn't now be burdened with all the heavy responsibilities of being GOD. You think it's
easy BEING FUCKING GOD? Hell, I'd like for all you pathetic fuckers to walk a light year in my shoes and see if
you still want to shoot for the 'AS GOD IS MAN MAY BECOME' load of horse shit.
"One of the dark secrets of GODHOOD is kind of embarrassing. But since I am God and everything, I am omnipotent
enough to withstand a little embarrassment, so I'll go ahead and share a little secret with you. Like I said,
it's a little embarrassing, but I trust you not to laugh at me. In fact, if you laugh, I will interpret your
laughter as GOD MOCKING and strike you dead in a heartbeat. As you are all well aware, having listened to the
prophets voice, GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED! OK, technically, God will not be mocked twice (by the same mocker).
Let's not get technical. Just don't laugh at me, please.
"OK. Here is my little disclosure. It's about my C.P. My Celestial Penis is kinda sore. OK. My penis is
pretty sore. Well, OK. MY PENIS HURTS LIKE HELL. Now are you happy? You got me to admit that my Eternal
Member is worn out from overuse. All those eternal companions nagging me all the time, Eloheim, Fuck Me!
No, Eloheim. Don't fuck her. Fuck me instead! Nag, nag, nag. Hell, I get so tired of it that I spend an
embarrassing amount of time (and your tithing funds, thank you) on 200 South Kolob Avenue to get some professional
service from professionals who know better not to nag at me, or else I will not be a repeat customer and come again.
"There! Are you all happy now?
"One last thing. STOP ALL THAT FUCKING PRAYING TO ME! Trying to manipulate me into intervening in your
fucked existences and giving you blessings and shit in response to your transparent feigning of thankfulness
for the plagues and torturing I visited on you last month. Yeah, right! Thankful my ass! Give me strength!
You're all pissed off as hell, and I know it. How the fuck do I know it? I am fucking omniscient, lest you
jerkoffs forget. Do you know what omniscient means? Duh? It means I KNOW FUCKING EVERYTHING, INCLUDING
WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME INTO BLESSING YOUR SORRY ASSES BY PRETENDING TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE
INSULTS AND INJURIES I GET OFF ON DUMPING ON YOU! GODDAMNIT! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
The Articles of Faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Suppose a man comes to you with a two-page manuscript in Spanish. He tells you
excitedly that this is a handwritten excerpt from Hernan Cortez's diary. You
learn things about Cortez that you never knew before: he was interested in
botany and archeology, and he had a deep understanding of the way the world
works. Sometime later, a friend who speaks Spanish comes, and you show him the
manuscript and the translation. He laughs and tells you that the manuscript is a
love letter written in Mexico City in 1979. It has nothing to do with Cortez.
It's a pretty boring recital of a young man's adoration for his
girlfriend.
In case you think the original Articles of Faith are silly, here are some that are even sillier...
The Articles of Faith (New Inpired Version)
1. We believe in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men, and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and Revelator denied it on national TV.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in the pre-existence.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer & Savior.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins; fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth, Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman; sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total, absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Women leaders, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that the primitive name for the church was "Corporation of the President."
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing, interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment secrets, and so forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the most recent version of the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. We are currently undecided as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however.
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God (which may differ greatly from what He has previously revealed) by means of a comprehensive market survey of members' likes and dislikes.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are hirelings of Satan.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, unless the law of the land violates the law of God as dictated by the President of the Church, such as in prohibiting the marrying of more than one woman.
13. We believe in being honest except when lying for the Lord, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things that the Church President tells us, we hope all things, we have endured many things such as changes in Church teachings and conflicting revelations, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is any woman virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to make her obedient, servile, and pregnant.
The Articles of Faith (Uninspired Version)
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father - Michael the Archangel, Adam, the "Ancient of Days" - although we now worship Elohim so as not to confuse our numerous anti-Mormon enemies.
2. We believe that men will be punished for doing their own thinking and for not reporting the transgressions of others.
3. We believe that all mankind will be saved by obedience to Church leaders on all levels, presuming, of course, that they do not contradict each other.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, faith in the infallibility of Church leaders; second, penance and uncensored confession to one's bishop; third, preserving one's Church membership at any cost; fourth, the need for a fourth principle has been eliminated by modern revelation.
5. We believe that a man be called of God usually by family origin, by the laying on of hands, but the granting of such privileges to women will require considerable public pressure.
6. We believe in much the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz., apostles, prophets, teachers, evangelists, seventies, etc., but we reserve the right to change things from time to time as we see fit.
7. We believe in the gifts of tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.
8. We believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as we can decipher its archaic vocabulary; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations.
9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that President Hinckley will tell us; and if he is too comatose, Elder Packer will do it for him.
10. We believe in the literal scattering of Israel throughout all nations and that all mankind, whether black or white, come from the tribe of Ephraim; that Zion is in Utah Valley or any other place where a Mormon of a pure heart can be found. Indeed, we may say that Zion can be found in the remotest, most God-forsaken corners of this world.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of the Brethren and require that all men do the same, and worship when, where, how or what is prescribed in the current Priesthood handbook and Ensign magazine. Attendance at symposia, or other open forums is an excommunicable offense.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it.
13. We believe in good lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, dark blue suits, white shirts, fashionable underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.
Articles of Faith for Women
1. We believe in God the Eternal Father, god the eternal mother whom we are forbidden to acknowledge publicly, and in his (not her) son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost who is a male personage.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam's transgression. We believe that women will be punished for their own sins as well as Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind (probably including women) will be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel and their priesthood leaders' every word.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are first faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, second repentance, third baptism by immersion, fourth, the laying on of hands for the gift of the holy ghost, and fifth, the gift of priesthood power exclusively to men now and in the eternal worlds.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God. No women need apply.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, with the exception that although women held priesthood and administrative offices then, they do not now and never will again.
7. We believe that the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healings, interpretation of tongues, etc. are available only by and through priesthood holders and not directly to any female member individually.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God except insofar as it contradicts Wasatch Front cultural traditions.
9. We believe all that God the Father has revealed and all that he does now reveal. We do not believe that he will yet reveal any great and important things pertaining to women and just to be sure, we will not seek such revelation.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the ten tribes; that Zion has already been built in Utah County, Utah; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisacal glory wherein men will be god-like and women will be silent, invisible and pregnant.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping God according to the dictates of our own conscience and expect all men and women to follow our priesthood leaders' definition of moral questions.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, magistrates, and male priesthood leaders and in obeying, honoring and sustaining whatever they tell us to.
13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste (every falling from chastity is the girl's fault), benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good toward all males. Indeed we may say the follow the admonition of Paul; we believe all things that we have been told by the priesthood leaders, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things for
there will surely be no earthly relief. If there is anything bland, banal, innocuous or G-rated, we seek after these things.
The Articles of Faith, Now With 10% More Disclosure
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. God lives on a planet near a star named Kolob. But there are lots of other Gods, too. We aren't sure if our God is the oldest God, or the most powerful, or not. I don't know that we teach that. By the way, you can be a God too, if you give God some of your money (give it to us, we'll pass it on) and do everything we say God wants you to do for the rest of your life.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. We also believe that God sometimes commands us to sin, or at least puts us in situations where sinning is necessary to fulfill God's purposes. Also, some sins aren't sins if you are doing them to help God's church. Also, you might be punished for other people's transgressions (like Cain, if you have dark skin, or Eve, if you are a woman) but not for Adam's. Whew!
3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. Well, they may be saved, but only if they obey the laws and ordinances, which are changing almost all the time. They change kind of slowly, so sometimes no one notices, and WE sure as heck don't call attention to it.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. There are a lot of other ordinances and principles, too, but if we mention them up front, no one would ever join our church. They'd think we were some kind of whacked-out cult. But we aren't. And if you ask us specifically about some of the bizarre things we think are part of the 'gospel', we will lie about it; but that's okay (see Article 2).
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. Only our Church has this authority. If you are in another church, you aren't called by God, you don't have his authority, and your ordinances won't save you. We will tell you that we don't think people from other religions are going to hell, but we only say that because we think you might become a Mormon later in this life, or after you die. If you don't, you are going to hell, no doubt about it. Well, Mormon-Hell. It's actually pretty nice, but you live in eternal regret of not being mormon.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. Well, we don't have pastors, or evangelists, per se, but still, it is the same as Christ's church. Well, we change our organization a lot, actually, for good reasons, but whatever the current version is, it MUST have been the same way back in Christ's church, because we said the two are the same. And they are. And always will be, no matter how much they change.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. Well, not the speaking in tongues thing anymore. That's freaky-weird. But now we say that learning a foreign language (even if we don't speak it very well) is the gift of tongues. Oh, and prophecy doesn't mean predicting things correctly, it just means being inspired about something, usually a new Church program, or a new rule about earrings or knee-length shorts.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. By 'translated correctly', we mean not what it said in the original texts, but whatever we think it should say to be consistent with the Gospel, as defined by us (God told us). And about the Book of Mormon, well, it might not be true, as in 'it really happened', but it still has inspiring stories. But we know it is true, too. At least for now.
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. Including stuff that contradicts the old stuff.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American Continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Well, we think we do. This all sounds a little crazy, so we don't talk about it much, certainly not to non-Mormons. In fact we'd probably deny it if we thought it would help get you baptized (again, see Article 2). It's in the scriptures, so it must be true.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. Unless you are a Mormon, then we have a bunch of things you can and can't worship, certain places you can and can't go, certain things you can't talk about, and a lot of things can't do, and other you have to. But the members of the church are free to do/believe what they want. Unless they do/believe something we don't want them to. Then we excommunicate them and ostracize them as much as possible. And they are going to hell, and not the nice Mormon-Hell we mentioned in Article 5.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Well, not all the laws. At least, not the laws against polygamy, unless they threaten to send troops. But now we obey that one, too. And if you can break a law to help get people baptized, that is probably okay, but don't get caught.
13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, but never in Church meetings, where we stick to the lesson plan and are careful not to use any outside sources, because they might lead us astray. And we really mean that honest and true part. Stop laughing.
Confirming rumors that have swirled for months, LDS church historian Richard Squrley announced today the discovery of Joseph Smith's personal journals. "Three years ago, during the excavation of the Nauvoo Temple site, a small box was found containing journals written in the hand of the prophet himself. The release of the contents was delayed so that the church could properly preserve and interpret the writings so that members might best understand them and be blessed by them."
Squrley indicated that these journals are a treasure trove of insights into the character and prophetic vision of Joseph Smith.
The journals are remarkable for their candor in describing the prophet's mortal ministry. "I just have to write this down somewhere. It's killing me to keep it all inside," begins the journal.
One consistent theme is Joseph's admiration for the faith of the Latter-day Saints: "These suckers will believe anything I tell them," is a repeated phrase. BYU professor of church history Susan Washin White explains this interesting usage: "In the early 19th century America, the word 'suck' carried the connotation of adhering, most often in matters of faith, so here Joseph is just using common vernacular for 'believer' or 'follower' in praising their constancy in following his counsel. It really is quite inspiring."
Joseph reaffirms the testimony of the Book of Mormon witnesses with fervor: "I'm not sure how I pulled it off, but I got all 11 of them to swear they had actually seen and 'hefted' the plates. Morons." Dr. White explains that "pulling it off" refers to a particular manner of prayer circle common to that time period, meaning that he was amazed by the power of such humble prayer. "And of course, the final word should read "Mor[m]ons, but is clearly a scribal error."
Reading the diaries, we gain insight into Joseph's feelings for other church leaders. "With all that happened, who would have thought Oliver would have been so upset about a little fun in the barn with Fanny?" Historians have puzzled over this, but most generally believe that Joseph here is talking about a controversy over milk tailings, which led to Oliver's estrangement from the church. Fanny undoubtedly is the name of one of the prophet's prize dairy cows, said Larry C. Little, emeritus professor at BYU.
The prophet's love for Sidney Rigdon shines through the narrative: "Jesus, that Rigdon has a big head. You would think he wrote the Book of Mormon himself. Oh, that's right, he did."
Perhaps no one disappointed Joseph more than John C. Bennett. "Bennett has been a great asset to me. He is very popular with the girls and often lets me have the leftovers," reads an early reference. Later, Joseph's friendship turns to sorrow: "Damn it, how did he get caught? Now I have to figure out some way out of this. Let's see, own up to screwing half the girls in Nauvoo, or blame it on Bennett. That's a tough choice." Reluctantly, Joseph chose the route of honesty, blaming it all on Bennett, as we know that Joseph's relations with women were nothing more than sealings and of the highest moral character.
Joseph also gives some precious information about the Book of Mormon: "The great thing about the book is that it's vague enough so that people will never be able to find the lands described (not that they exist). New York, Mexico, whatever." This of course shows that endless quibbling about Book of Mormon geography is not central to one's salvation, said Daniel Midgley-Welch, FARMS contributor and Food Sciences professor.
Book of Mormon names are mentioned several times. "It's amazing what you can come up with when you take enough laudnum," said Joseph, clearly referring to a previously unknown Book of Mormon substance, perhaps related to neas and ziff. Pablo Q. Hoskisson, BYU religion professor, opined that "laud" is most likely related to the Hebrew city of Lod, and of course, "num" is short for NHM, or the place of mourning mentioned by Nephi. Clearly, Joseph was speaking of a substance acquired between Israel and Nahom.
Several sections will require further analysis, as they refer to unknown people and events: "HMK doesn't look 14, but I say the younger the better." And there is a cryptic reference to a "Lawrence sister sandwich."
In a written statement, LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley enthused, "What a glorious treasure to have the writings of the prophet. For 3 years they have lain undisturbed in a locked safe, but we must acknowledge the hand of the Lord in the leaks about them and their subsequence partial release. The prophet's honesty is an example to all of us, and we can only hope to approach that level of honesty in recounting the marvelous history of this, the dispensation of the fulness of times."
2:8 And there were in the same country sheep abiding
in the Morg, keeping watch over the other sheep by
night.
2:9 And, lo, an angel named Nephi came upon them, and
the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they
were sore afraid.
2:10 And the angel (Nephi) said unto them, "Fear not,
for (you give us your thithing,and)I bring you good
tidings of great joy which shall be to all Morgbots.
2:11 For unto you is born this day in the state of
Vermont, a con-man, which is Joseph Smith.
2:12 And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall
find the man wrapped in no clothes, lying with a woman
(who is not his wife).
2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel, Nephi a
multitude of the heavenly host praising Smith, and
saying,
2:14 Glory to Joe in the highest, and on earth peace,
good will toward men (No women allowed).
By way of backround, it should be noted that Brother Joseph, our beloved Prophet, had been enjoying the fermented fruit of the vine, courtesy of Porter Rockwell, who had procured a particularly fine vintage to celebrate the acquisition of the papyrus records from Mr. Chandler.
Several of us crowded around to view these ancient documents, as Joseph spread them out on a table and pointed out the parts that had been written in the hand of Father Abraham himself. Many, myself included, urged the Prophet to perform a translation of at least a few lines for our immediate edification and contemplation.
Although we initially feared that we would only succeed in calling forth a divine rebuke of our impatience, we instead were relieved to see that Brother Joseph appeared willing to undertake the commencement of the translation. As I had already brought out Joseph's seer stone and special hat for the occasion, these divine priesthood tools of the gift of translation were immediately available to be pressed into the Prophet's hands, as others ushered him away from the wine bottle to his favorite chair.
After many minutes, a low rumbling noise was heard coming from the hat, which concealed Brother Joseph's face in its entirety.
"He's snoring!" cried out one of the younger men among us.
"No," said Brother Grimshank, a respected elderly gentleman. "He is speaking the tongue of angels in preparation for his divine role as translator of the mysteries of Abraham."
We had no doubt that Brother Grimshank was correct as to all particulars regarding the low rumbling noise.
However, being a somewhat impatient man, I gently prodded Brother Joseph on the shoulder. "Joseph, are you ready to translate?" I inquired.
With another jerk, Joseph pulled his head out of the hat, abruptly bumping the back of his head on the wall behind him and nearly losing his grip on the hat and the urim and thummim contained therein.
"Trans..wha..oh..the translation of the Book of Ablam..Abramaham! Yes!" Joseph exclaimed. "I have received a line or two or maybe three."
We were by now nearly falling out of our chairs in eager anticipation.
"Now, giveth ye to me another drink from the fruit of the vine and it shall come to pass that I shall proceed," said Joseph pointing at the bottle of wine. His wish was immediately satisfied, whereupon the Prophet proceeded.
"Now, lesh see," he said, looking with a cross-eyed, yet penetrating gaze at the seer stone in the hat in his lap. "Yes, here is the introduction as it hath appeared unto mine eyes in the urim and thummin. It sayeth: For behold, I am Abraham...I am Abraham and I, Aframan..uh..behold and verily..uh..puzziphka ma noo ahman ondi gablish and...even wherefore the Lord didst command me even saying ... even saying...yes, it came to pass that he sayeth...for behold! for behold, the time has come for you and all your household, even your man servants and concubines to hoodify the schmoodification of the humpus dingle... and thus spaketh the Lord unto me, Ambrahulam, the first of the white Lamanites, and I write this account in Egyptian on account of Reformed Egyptian is unknown to me. Amen".
And so the words of Abraham were conveyed to us by divine power, through the Prophet Joseph Smith. Needless to say, we were all mightily impressed and grateful to the creator of all things that we had been privileged to be the first of this dispensation to hear the message of Abraham as was brought forth from hundreds of years of obscurity to penetrate our hearts and minds that night. Nonetheless, we soon realized that we would have to wait for further illumination, as Brother Joseph had fallen out of his chair and into a deep sleep on the floor.
"He's spent, totally spent from one of the greatest spiritual exertions of his life," Brother Grimshank sagely observed.
Nodding in agreement, we filed reverently out of the room, so that the Prophet would be undisturbed in the enjoyment of his well-earned rest.
Of these things I do bear solemn witness.
Sincerely yours,
W. Clayton
1. We believe in Gods, which include the infinite chain of Heavenly Fathers, and
in our personal Heavenly Father and in His mortal as well as celestial sojourn on
a planet we believe may be called Kolob and in his only begotten by physical sexual
intercourse Son, known as Jesus Christ who also happened to be the god of the old
testament when he was only a ghost, and in the holy haunting of the world by His
(Heavenly Father’s) Ghost since He can both be alive, father children with His flesh
and bone and have a ghost.
2. We believe that men will pay through lots of post-mortal pain for their sins unless they become a Mormon either on their own with their own body or against their living wishes not to be a Mormon via another living Mormon’s physical body as proxy, and it doesn’t matter what Adam did because by obeying his more spiritual wife we were able to get these bodies in the first place.
3. We believe that through the rituals and bloody tortures of Jesus Christ, all Mormons may be saved from having to suffer these same tortures in a lesser degree of all their goriness after they are dead and thus avoid being put in a spiritual prison
holding area to await their being flayed for their own salvation for disobedience
to the laws, oaths, handshakes, testimonies, higher principles and ordinances of
the Mormon Church.
4. We believe that the principles and ordinances of the Mormon Church are better
than any other Christian offerings upon the face of the earth including the worst
examples in The Catholic Church and these better principles and ordinances include:
first, Following the prophet in his being the only authoritative mouthpiece for
the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Penitence for everything you can, would, will or
might do wrong in life by paying in time and money at least 10 percent of all you
have up to and including your life to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; third, Attempted Baptism for everyone you have known, may know, will possibly know
in the future and all of the dead people you came from for the three missions of
The Church; fourth, Praying with folded arms and hands to be able to feel a burning
in your bosom and a stupor of thought to cloud your mind to obscure the brightly
non-ethically neon flecks of Mormon history that might trouble you.
5. We believe that a white old Mormon man must be called on his phone by a similarly
old Mormon prophet and asked to move to Salt Lake City through the efforts of his
social networking by those who are in Mormon authority, to reach for the LDS Gold
Card expense accounts and administer in the LDS tithing trust funds available to
be able to perform the ordinances of running many highly lucrative businesses for
the Mormon Church and being lauded and praised for his religious insights that have
nothing to do with his job.
6. We believe in the same powers of (restoration) Christian adaptation for Mormon
authorities of the countless Christian non-prophets that have molded the modern
history of the Primitive Christian Church to suit their own selfish needs, namely,
greedy apostles, despotic popes, pious pastors, false doctrine teaching religious
teachers, envious evangelists, faith healers of fools, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of holding our tongues when speaking of The Lord’s Anointed, prophecy by a board of directors of a billion dollar land development and high interest banking corporation and their hunches, unpublished revelations to remove blood oaths,
naked touching, missing preachers and power to edit revealed scripture, revisions
of revealed truths about other races, hot drinks and carbonated drinks, alcohol,
movie ratings, and marriage, stealing apostate and non-member sired children by
ritual in a temple to seal them to member step parents, exclusion of apostate and
non-member parents in weddings, interpretation of piercing to mean only one per
ear and no tongues, and so forth.
8. We believe an uninspired translation of The Bible (KJV) to be the words of God
as far as it is translated correctly and not the inspired translation of The Bible
(JST); we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as He directed His
words to a small groups of Native American ancestors in a limited geography that
brought the wheel and the horse from Jerusalem and then lost both when they fell
into sin and killed their more loved by God and whiter brethren.
9. We believe all that God has revealed in ancient Egyptian funeral papyri, in the
unknown language of Reformed Egyptian, about divining rods and through seer stones,
and all that He does now reveal in English only, through divine hunches, using phone
surveys, and not through antiquated couplets, and we believe that He will yet be
very brief in revealing many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom
of God.
10. We used to believe in the literal gathering of only non-Black adopted Israelites
to places like Ohio, Missouri, Illinois, and Utah and in the restoration of the
bribes to get the Olympics; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) was supposed to be built
in Missouri and then Utah but that now it is built up anywhere in the world but
more especially upon the American continent; that Christ will drain personally the
moneyed powers upon the earth and use their funds to build a temple on every corner
of the world like McDonalds and Wal-Mart; and, that the powers on the face of the
earth will be reorganized by the Board of Trustees for The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-Day Saints and receive its paradisiacal glory as a dead planet fused into
a huge ball of glass after being burned.
11. We claim the privacy and piracy of worshiping Almighty God according to the standards
of a multinational mega corporation with the stolen hymns of other religions, the
right to the dictate the morals of your own conscience through political lobbying,
the right to culturally pressure people into swearing to give everything they own
to our corporation, and allow all conspiring men the same privilege as long as they
don’t include women, let them worship mammon how, where, or in whatever form they
may.
12. We believe in being asked by kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, to have
us send them our missionaries, honoring our undue political influence and gifts
of tuition at our university, and sustaining the laws that we help craft.
13. We believe in being as honest as long as it doesn’t get in the way of our spreading
our truth, true as long as it is faith promoting, chaste as long as their isn’t
an angel with a flaming sword ready to kill us if we don’t take more wives, benevolent
as long as there is a Photo Opportunity or Public Relations moment in it, virtuous
as long as it is toward people who hold our same virtues, and in doing good to all
men that recognize our moral authority; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul but we really don’t.
Joseph Smith - (note some of this has been “updated” and edited to make more sense
to our modern minds)
1. Verily, I say unto you, my servant Joseph, that thou shalt take a middle initial.
2. And that middle initial shall be an unsual intial, one that I have kept secret until this the dispensation of the fullness of times,
3. And the initial which thou shalt take unto thyself is &, and thy name shall be Joseph & Smith,
4. And this name shall be after the similitude of one of my names, which is Alpha & Omega.
5. And the mystery of this name shall henceforth be made known unto thee, for thou art learned in languages and shalt hereafter learn many languages.
6. And I say unto you, Joseph & Smith, that this intial that thou takest signifies in the fifth degree the mystery of godliness in these last days,
7. For it is a sign which signifieth the Lord who sitteth upon the throne of the waters of dominion over the earth in the end time of the last days when he that pisseth against the wall shall be made known.
8. And thou shall take up this cross which is thy middle initial, and thou shalt slay he that pisseth against the wall.
9. And I reveal unto thee another mystery, which thy initial beareth. Verily, it is an amper's "and," yea, the "and" which the ampers of old did use to join together.
10. And it is made of the E and the T, which is the earthly and the terrestrial, and when the earthly and terrestrial are joined, verily thus there is conjunction.
11. And this conjuntion is the restoration of all things that was spoken by the holy prophets before the world began.
1. I believed in Joseph the Stone-Peeping Polygamist, in his fictitious book and in the changing doctrine.
2. I believed that I was to be punished for every sin...whether I committed it or just thought about it.
3. I believed that through the divine mission of Joseph Smith that I could be saved and that rejecting him would probably screw up eternity for me.
4. I believed that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel were, first, faith in the divine mission of Joseph Smith, second, acceptance of my own inability to ever live up to the commandments given me, third, payment of tithing, fourth, not challenging anything I was ever taught.
5. I believed that a man had to be called of god by someone who was called of Joseph Smith or he wasn't called of God and that meant that every other religion was the Whore of the Earth spoken of in the Book of Mormon.
6. I believed in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, namely, monkeys, orangutans,..oh...wait...I was thinking "primate church". I guess that was a simian slip. Actually, I believed that no one knew anything about the pimitive church except, you guessed it, Joseph Smith.
7. I believed in the gifts and found out pretty conclusively that they were all "proved" by serendipitous circumstances and ignored when they didn't prove the premises established by the gifts.
8. I believed whatsoever I was told was the word of God and threatened that I was on the road to apostasy if I ever doubted any of it.
9. I believed all that God had revealed as long as it didn't contradict what Joseph Smith "revealed" and if it did then I believed it was translated incorrectly.
10. I believed in the literal gathering of Israel in as much that when I received my partriarchal blessing I was automagically made in to a descendant of one of Israel's sons...whether or not my ancestors were from Europe, or Africa, or Hawaii, or China.
11. I claimed the privilege of worshipping almighty God according to the dicates of Joseph Smith's conscience and pretty much ridiculed other religions for their unbiblical ramblings and cross-worshipping.
12. I believed in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers and magistrates particularly if they were going to imprison me for practicing polygamy because I didn't know God was powerless to stop them.
13. I believed in being honest, true...blah, blah blah until I found out that Joseph Smith didn't believe or practice any of that. Then I believed in writing a letter to the Big 15 and calling them on their supporting the lies I had been taught all my life. There is nothing virtuous, lovely or of good report about what the crutch has done. I then believed in cutting bait when I realized it was all a terrible sham.
My wife still subscribes to the Ensign magazine. I am still overwhelmed by the resourcefulness of the Brethern, oh sorry, and one sister to come up with the worlds most sappy article titles.
'And a prophet shall lead them'
You get the picture. All title, no substance.
I remember even as a TBM (True Believing Mormon) going to the church book store and not being able to find a quality book. The titles were always some pat line and the inside held the same BS.
I think they just mix and match title to articles to make them go further.I'm sure no one has actually ever read the first presidency message all the way through.
Title Translator by Jarrod
Wouldn't it be fun to have a Title Translator for Ensign Articles? If you set the translator to the simplest setting, all Ensign titles would simply be translated to say one thing: "Blah Blah Blah."
On a more sophisticated setting, the titles might say something along the lines of:
"Missionary Work: Stepping On Our Own Genitalia"
"Family Home Evening is a Pain in the Ass, But Do It Anyway"
"Follow the Prophet Or Else"
"Dirt: The True Nature of the Mormon Woman"
"You Have No Choice in Anything. Period."
"We Pretend to Know Jesus"
"Humility is for the Flock, Not the Brethren"
"There Is No Honor in Honest Inquiry"
"History Is For Losers"
Here's and actual title that blows my mind by Stray Mutt
It's the title given a general conference talk by Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy. It shows where the church's heart is:
Tithing -- a Commandment Even for the Destitute
Family Home Evening, French Braids, and Fasting - by Cats
Family Home Evening, French Braids, and Fasting By Duane O. Hall
A husband explains how Relief Society has enriched his home and marriage. -
Duane O. Hall, �Family Home Evening, French Braids, and Fasting,� Ensign, Mar. 1992, 22
That says it all. No need to even write anymore Brother Hall!!!
I almost bought one of Boyd K. Paker's books because the title made me think it was about cannibalism. - by Mujun
I was disappointed to find out that it was about something else entirely.
The title was 'That All May Be Edified.'
How about "Yes, I Will Marry You, Joseph" and the inspiring "Me, My Sister, My Mother, My Aunt and the Prophet". . . - by Timmy Teaboy
Yes, I would like to see more Ensign articles that are true to the spirit of the church as it was when the Restoration was new and the Members truly lived the Gospel 100%.
Some examples with article synopses:
"I Must Be About My Father's Business: Preaching the Gospel to the Moon Quakers"
Synopsis: Brother Schnozzglick is devoting his life to spreading the Gospel to the people who dress like Quakers and live on the Moon. After a series of setbacks in his early effort to persuade NASA to ship several thousand volumes of the Book of Mormon to the Moon, Brother Schnozzglick now believes that placing the Book of Mormon under a gigantic magnifying glass will make it possible for the Moon Quakers to read the Book of Mormon with their telescopes.
"The magnifying glass is almost ready," remarked Brother Schnozzglick confidently. "I had to sell the family home to pay for it--after paying my tithing of course. But I'm sure this is what God wants. I just hope the Moon Quakers can read English."
"Bury Not Your Treasures in Heaven: Bury Them Where I Can Find Them With My Stone"
The Nelson family shares with us the secret of their closeness as a family.
"Family Home Evening is a time when we can get together and practice using our peepstones," says Sister Nelson cheerfully. "Moroni, our oldest boy, is going on a mission soon and we need to find some buried treasure to help pay his way."
"I Can See Elijah in All His Glory (Thanks to the Sacramental Wine)"
A church history buff and youth leader takes members of a church youth group to Kirtland, Ohio, where they reenacted some of the sacred events that happened there, including a special sacrament service where the sacramental wine and testimony-building experiences never stopped flowing.
"It was a special memory that I will never forget," says youth group member Todd Bibberman (age 16). "Like, I never had any wine before, but, you know, that's like how the old early church people did it and so we did it too, you know, and we, like, drank buckets of wine and all."
Todd's friend, Josh Shotstone (age 15) also found it to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. "I swear I saw the Prophet Elijah or something crazy like that and I pointed and said, 'Hey I think I see Elijah and some angels and stuff!'," says Josh excitedly as he recalls the special sacrament meeting in Kirtland. "And then somebody else said, 'yeah that's Elijah,' but then one guy said 'no that's Batman dressed in a white batsuit' and I said, 'like, whatever, dude! Let's have some more sacramental wine cuz one of the angels is hot and I think she wants me to take her robe off'..."
Look for these and many other faith-promoting articles in this year's Ensign. It's not your father's church magazine anymore. It's a church magazine that Brother Joseph would have liked.
"Letting go of the iron rod-- A young man's guide to moral purity" by anon
"High on a Mountain Top -- Proven practices for overcoming drug abuse." by anon
"Endure to the end -- How to achieve lasting satisfaction during lovemaking." by anon
A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion, to be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days. Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.
Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation.
That inasmuch as any man followeth not the current discoveries of science with regard to health and diet, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father.
As for fermented grain beverages, wine, and strong drink, these must be used in moderation, not unto foolish drunkenness. Certainly wine should be used in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him. And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make. And behold, in the land to which I will bring my people, yea, even the land of the honey bee, I would that ye should grow wine there, for the land in the south and its climate will make a pretty damn good wine. But I would that ye should also send mine emissaries further west, even to the land of Napa, for that maketh even better wine. And, again, strong drinks--it may be best not to drink them, beer and wine are enough. Strong drinks are really best for the washing of your bodies.
And this brings me to the whole topic of cleanliness. I reveal unto a great mystery, before not known by man. There are little itty bitty bugs that cover all things upon the face of the earth, the rocks, the leaves, the hair of animals, and the skin of humans. Some of these little bugs are good, for they make the bread to rise and the wine to age. But some of them are not good and they cause sickness. I would that ye should wash thy hands before thou eatest, and I would that ye should wash thine hands after thou relievest thyself and after thou sneezest or coughest in thine hands, for this will remove the bitty bugs that might infect you.
Now strong drinks can be used to kill the bitty bugs. Also, thou shalt boil thy water before thou drinkest, lest the bitty bugs make you sick. Also, try to get rid of the little flying skin stickers that you will encounter in Nauvoo, the city that thou shalt build, because these insects will carry a bitty bug that will make you sick.
And again, hot drinks are alright for the body or belly (but don't spill them on thine lap, lest there be lawsuits). Green and even black tea will actually turn out to be beneficial. And coffee may be alright too, but your individual physician may recommend knocking off the caffeine. Follow his advice. By the way, in the future there will be fizzy drinks with caffeine in them--use these in moderation because the sugar will make you fat and take the place of nutritious calories that thou mightest consume.
On the other hand, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really know if it will help bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.
And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man. But don't get too whacky about this and go holistic.
Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving. And things will get better when there is international transport of produce. You might just get to have fresh tomatoes all year long.
Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly, because they have fats that can damage your hearts and blood system. And it is pleasing unto me that they should only be used when there is nothing else to eat.
One last thing I say unto you. If you or any of my prophets after you turn this word of wisdom into a law which barreth some saints from participating in my kingdom, woe unto you, for ye have become like unto the hypocrites of old who swallow a gnat and vomit a camel.
"And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ."
Translation:
And now if I overlooked something and it turns out that there is anything in here that shows that I am making this stuff up please ignore it-- that was just a "mistake of man". And also let me take this opportunity to remind you of hell fire and all that so don't you dare doubt me.
(There, that should plug up any leaks).
Joseph, you came to me and asked how come Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob got to have sex with lots of wives and concubines.
I am about to tell you a little secret that I told to those other guys. Until now, I didn't think you were ready to hear it, but now that you asked, I'll tell you.
The secret I am about to tell you is called the "new and everlasting covenant." Once I tell you this secret, you must follow it, or not be allowed into the highest level of heaven, because nobody can know about this secret AND go to the highest level of heaven unless they also follow it.
Again, let me repeat what I just said to make myself clear, If I give you something, you must accept my gift or I won't let you into the highest level of heaven.
And this secret, which I am about to let you in on, has been around since before I built Earth. This secret is a gift from me to you, but there are some strings attached, and if you want the gift, you must accept the strings that are attached to it.
And the gift I'm about to give you will prove how awesome I am, and, you must accept my gift, and all the strings that are attached to it, or you won't be allowed into the highest level of heaven.
Now, lets get down to business. You see, there's a little loophole with the whole marriage thing on earth. Nobody reads the fine print. I highlighted the relevant part, which is, "All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths, vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made and entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed, both as well for time and for all eternity, and that too most holy, by revelation and commandment through the medium of mine anointed, whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this power, are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead."
What the hell does that mean? He he, it does sound like lawyer speak. Nobody understands this clause, so let me explain it to you in plain english. It says that all marriage ceremonies that are performed by anyone except for you are null and void. Therefore, there are no legal marriages except for the ones in which you performed.
Now, that clause may seem confusing, but my house is a house of order. I won't accept any marriages, performed in my name, by anyone who is not named Joseph Smith Jr.
Anything that is in the world that is not in my name, shall not exist after you die.
And if someone is married, by a minister, or someone else who is not named Joseph Smith Jr., and they die, they will no longer be married in heaven. They will just be angels. And when they are angels, they will be servants to the people who are married by Joseph Smith Jr., a.k.a. you.
And because they didn't follow my rule, and didn't get married with Joseph Smith as the guy who married them, then they will be servant angels forever.
And because they didn't follow my rule, they cannot become Gods like those other people. They will be angel servants to the people who become Gods.
Now just to make myself clear, just in case you weren't paying attention, let me repeat myself. If some guy marries a woman, and you don't perform the ceremony, but instead some random preacher does it, than the marriage is not in force when the couple dies and goes to heaven. And if they try to get into heaven, as a married couple, the guards at the pearly gates will stop them, and split them up, and make them not be married anymore.
The opposite of that is when a guy marries a woman, and you DO perform the marriage ceremony. Then when they die, they will show up at the pearly gates, and the guards will know that they were married by you, and will let them pass as a married couple.
And when the people who got married by you go to heaven as a married couple, they get to keep screwing, and the woman gets to keep having babies, and then they'll be like me, a God, and be able to come up with a plan of salvation where they get to send their spirit babies down to a planet to get a body.
And they'll also be like a god because, remember all those people that didn't get married by you, Joseph? Well, those people who got married by Billy Bob the red neck preacher will go to heaven as angels, and all the people who got married by you will be the bosses of the angels. It is so great, because all the angels have to do whatever the gods tell them.
Now, sorry for the rambling, but the bottom line is people must get married by you if they want to become gods.
Now, lets get back to Abraham. How come he got to have sex with all those wives and concubines? Well, you see Sarah couldn't get pregnant, so she came up with the idea to whore out Hagar, the servant girl. Abraham knocked up Hagar, and from her crotch sprang out many people. This was good. Did Abraham commit adultery by screwing Hagar? Nope. Also I told Abraham to kill his son, yet I also said thou shalt not kill. You see, sometimes I contradict myself. Just do whatever I tell you, even if it contradicts something I said earlier.
Now, you're basically the Abraham of the nineteenth century, so do what I tell you.
Now, Abraham and David had sex with tons of concubines. Some called it adultery, but I was cool with it, so they committed no crime. These guys had certain keys that I gave to them. These keys, were like keys to the chastity belts of many women, he he.
Now Joseph, I give these keys to you, so as you may unlock many chastity belts.
There are great benefits to being my servant. Whoever you hate, I'll also hate. Whoever, you like, I will also like. And I am building your throne in heaven right now.
Also, I forgive you of all your sins. One of the perks of being a prophet is you have prophetic immunity from pretty much any sin.
Now, before we get into the specifics of this new and everlasting covenant, let me tell you what to do about that pesky wife of yours.
I know that Emma is nagging you about all the pussy you've been getting lately. I also know that she called your bluff when you offered multiple sex partners to her. Here's what I want you to tell her. You tell her that when I said she could also have multiple sex partners, it was just a test, like Abraham and Isaac. She was NOT supposed to accept it.
Tell her that she must only have sex with you, but she must accept all of the sex partners I gave unto you, and not complain. Now, the only exception is if you marry a girl who claims to be pure but in reality is a slut. I know that you like the girl-next-door type. If some slut tricks you into thinking she is sweet and innocent, the slut will be destroyed.
Now, you tell Emma that if she complains about your multiple sex partners, I will destroy her. If she keeps complaining, I will give you hundreds and hundreds of hot young sex partners, and make you rich and powerful.
Also, tell her that if you don't screw these women, satan will destroy you. Maybe she loves you enough to protect you from satan.
Now, if you do anything in my name, it doesn't matter what the laws of the land are. You can do whatever you like without regard to the laws, as long as I approve of it. Therefore, nobody is allowed to complain about your activities.
Now, let me tell you the rules of this new and everlasting convenant:
Rule #1: Only men can have multiple sex partners without committing adultery. If a woman has multiple sex partners, she has committed adultery and is subject to the laws related to adultery. Also, I will destroy her
Rule #2: If you want another sex partner, you can have as many as you want, as long as they're virgins. You can even have ten virgins and you haven't committed adultery, because they are all your property.
Rule #3: Before you can take on multiple sex partners, the first wife has to give her consent.
Rule #4: If one of the virgins messes around, and has sex with someone other than you, she has committed adultery and will be destroyed. She belongs to you, and nobody else.
Rule #5: Once the wife learns of this new and everlasting covenant, she must accept it, and once she accepts it, she must administer to her husbands needs, or she will be destroyed.
Rule #6: If a man goes to his wife for consent to marry a hot young virgin, and the wife says no, she has committed a sin against me by not believing in the new and everlasting convenant. Therefore, you are exempt from the rule set forth as rule #3 and can still take the hot young virgin as a wife and sex partner.
Now I have told you the secret, and given you the gift. So now you can be like Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob and can take multiple sex partners. I will tell you more about it later. Until then, bye bye.
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost, and in Joseph Smith.
2. We believe that white men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam�s transgression. Women will be punished for their husband�s sins. Black men will be punished for Cain�s transgression.
3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all Mormonkind may be saved, by obedience to the General Authorities. We also believe that some transgressions are too great for Christ, and must be atoned for by the sinner�s own blood.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Joseph Smith; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
5. We believe that a man must be called of his superiors, by �that burning feeling�, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Nazi Regime, namely dictators, prophets, secret police, propagandists, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as far as we revise it correctly.
9. We believe all that Joseph Smith has revealed (except the things that normal society doesn�t like), all that our Prophet does now reveal, and we believe that he will yet reveal many unimportant things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of polygamy. That Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built in Jackson County, Missouri; that Joseph Smith will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our General Authorities, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may as long as we agree with it.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law unless our Prophet says otherwise.
13. We believe in being deceitful, self-righteous, polygamous, condescending, annoying, and in convincing all men to join us; indeed, we may say that we don�t really follow the admonition of Paul � We believe all things that our leaders tell us to believe, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things using our special seer stones.
1. We believe in God the Eternal Father, who we are
pretty sure had a physical body despite contrary
evidence in the early church “Lectures on Faith.” We
are sure of this because we know that He had sex with
his daughter Mary to conceive the second member of the
Godhead, His son, Jesus Christ, which is why Jesus had
very Nordic features and looked nothing at all like a
Jew. We also believe in the Holy Ghost, who has no
name, body, or apparent origin, but who is somehow
important enough to be one of our Big Three. We also
believe in the “Light of Christ”, but can’t tell you
what that means beyond calling it a “conscience” and
precursor to the gift of the Holy Ghost. Furthermore,
we claim no meaningful belief in or knowledge of a
Heavenly Mother, so don’t ask.
2. We believe that men, women, and children will be
punished severely and eternally for their own sins,
even tiny sins, since no unclean thing can return to
God. We also believe that His love is conditional, and
is predicated upon our obedience to His ever-changing
commands as revealed to his servants the prophets. We
will not be punished for Adam’s transgression, which
we aren’t sure ever really happened since we have
continuously taught that Adam never fell, but rather
bravely jumped so he could get busy with Eve and
fulfill the commandment of the Lord to multiply and
replenish the Earth. Of course, dark-skinned people
are punished for the sins of their ancestors, but this
is God’s way not man’s, and who are we to question his
mysteries? All, except mentally retarded people and
children who die before the age of accountability, who
hope to avoid being forever relegated to a lesser
kingdom where they will be unable to live with God,
must become faithful, practicing Mormons. We’re so
serious about this that we even do baptisms for dead
people, including WWII Jewish Holocaust victims.
3. We believe that through the conditional Atonement
of Christ, most of mankind may be saved, by obedience
to the continuously changing laws and ordinances of
the Gospel. The Atonement does not apply to sins such
as adultery, blasphemy, or marrying outside one’s own
race, which must all be atoned for by the sinner
himself with his own blood. Former Mormons who leave
the church and turn their backs on the gospel of
Christ may become Sons of Perdition and will be cast
into outer darkness. We will take care of their wives
by marrying them and allowing them to enter into the
state of eternal increase.
4. We generally agree that the first principles and
ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord
Jesus Christ and a testimony of his Holy Servant
Joseph Smith, except of course, when Joseph was
speaking as a man; second, Paying a Full Tithe on
gross, not net income; third, Repentance by telling
the Bishop and Stake President all the sordid details
of your immorality; fourth, Baptism by total immersion
[including long hair and skirt hems] for the remission
of those sins that are actually covered by Christ’s
Atonement; and fifth, Laying on of hands for the gift
of the Holy Ghost, which gift is not free, but
contingent upon one’s willingness to avoid body
piercing, tattoos, and green tea. There is also an
unofficial sixth principle which has been labeled
“enduring to the end”, and which we interpret to apply
mainly to the second principle above; meaning that no
man or woman shall come into the presence of the Lord
without having given a lifetime of tithing, offerings,
and unquestioned obedience and faithful service.
5. We believe that for all callings other than home
teaching which is automatic, a man must be called of
God, by process of elimination, and set apart by the
laying on of hands by those who are in authority
because they were also called by the same process, all
the way up to the prophet himself, to preach the
Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. And
if it turns out that the person so called of God and
set apart by proper authority is a habitual drunkard,
wife beater, or child molester, or is simply
unqualified to deal with the sometimes enormous task
of counseling members on important life decisions, it
wasn’t the fault of the Lord’s system, but the
individual failings of weak mortals.
6. We more or less believe in, but do not always
practice, the same organization that existed in the
Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors,
14 year old “teachers”, evangelists, area authority
seventies, stake missionaries, ward activities
committees, relief society enrichment coordinators,
Beehives, and so forth. By the terms “pastors” and
“evangelists” we are convinced through prayer and
fasting that the Lord would have wanted us to call
them “bishops” and “patriarchs” had he known the
confusion this would cause.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues [which has
nothing to do with sex, by the way], prophecy
[although we have all that we need], revelation
[because although not a single one of us knew that
Mark Hofmann was forging all those documents we paid
for with your tithing dollars, we do know that more
than one set of ear rings is an evil practice,
sisters], visions [usually these happen to older
prophets who see their loved ones in the next life
waiting for them], healing [except of course when the
Lord wants to call someone home], interpretation of
tongues, [we have no idea what that means] and so
forth and so on. You get the drift.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far
as it is translated correctly, which means that when
there are parts that conflict with our current
doctrines or practices, those parts are, by
definition, translated incorrectly by evil people who
took away many “plain and precious truths” from God’s
word. At least until we bring our own doctrines back
into conformity with those passages. This is clearly
the case because our doctrine is never in error, even
when we abandon it and institute new practices. Now,
if we could only get the copyrights from the RLDS
“Community of Christ” we would use the Joseph Smith
Translation instead of the KJV. We also believe the
Book of Mormon to be the word of God, including the
translation errors copied directly from Isaiah and
other books of the Bible and the absurd or
anachronistic parts about Hebrews with horses,
chariots, wheat, steel and coined money who settled
all of Pre-Columbian America from pole to pole and
became the “principle ancestors” of the American
Indians. The Book of Mormon contains the fullness of
the Everlasting Gospel, except for minor doctrines
such as the temple endowment, the new and everlasting
covenant of marriage, baptisms for the dead, the
doctrine of eternal progression, and other parts of
the fullness of the Gospel that were somehow left out.
It does have lots of really cool war stories, though
and has a four-star rating at Amazon.com. It would
have had a five-star rating if it hadn’t been for the
forces of the adversary hard at work to deceive the
children of men.
9. We believe all that God has revealed, like Adam
being our one and only God, that Plural Marriage as
set out in Section 132 is an inescapable requirement
to enter into the Celestial Kingdom, that God himself
was once a man and we may someday become gods, and
that dark-skinned people can become “white and
delightsome” if they repent. We believe all that He
does now reveal, like the whereabouts of lost car
keys, the evils of R-rated movies, the importance of
removing the bloody parts of the temple endowment
ceremony, and how to attract more converts than ever
before by tinkering with the missionary discussions
yet again. We also believe that He will yet reveal
many great and important things pertaining to the
Kingdom of God. We look forward to the glorious day
when He will reveal to us how to retain more than 20%
of our convert baptisms longer than six months or how
to deny embarrassing past doctrinal teachings without
attracting attention.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel [but
please don’t take that to mean we want you to
immigrate either to Utah or Israel] and in the
restoration of the Ten Tribes [who may now be living
either underneath the Polar ice cap or on the moon, we
aren’t quite sure]; that Zion [the “New Jerusalem”,
but we don’t really know if it’s a real place or just
a concept like “the pure in heart”] will be built upon
the American continent because Adam, who may or may
not be our God, once lived in Missouri and built an
altar to the Lord at Adam-Ondi-Ahman; that Christ will
reign personally upon the earth from either the Church
Office building in Salt Lake City or Missouri, or the
White House; and, that the earth will be renewed and
receive its paradisiacal glory, [we still await
revelation instructing us as to what that word means,
but think it has something to do with fire].
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God
and his Holy Prophet Joseph Smith, [without whose
permission none can pass the holy sentinels and enter
into heaven], according to the dictates and whims of
the Brethren, and allow all men the same privilege so
long as they worship in basically the same way we do
and don’t laugh at our more peculiar notions, which we
are endeavoring to cover up and purge from our history
as quickly as possible. We are a family-oriented
mainstream church, you know. Let them worship how,
where, or what they may in their corrupt and
abominable “whore of all the earth” churches, just so
long as they don’t ask us to stop sending our
missionaries all over the world to knock on their
doors in an effort to convince them to worship like we
do.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, Republican
presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying,
honoring, and sustaining most of the laws, unless they
mandate that we have only one wife, require that we
pay taxes, or persuade us to pay our just creditors
before paying tithing and declaring bankruptcy, or
prevent us from marketing the many “scientifically
proven” products developed in Utah through our down
lines which would be beneficial to both our health and
our wealth.
13. We believe in being honest [up to a point, so long
as we aren’t required to disclose the church’s
financial information], true [while remembering the
teachings of Elders Packer and Oaks that not all truth
is useful, and church history must be taught in only a
faith-promoting way], chaste [because we know beyond
the shadow of a doubt that masturbation can only lead
to homosexuality], benevolent [look how many
humanitarian awards Thomas Monson has received!],
virtuous [though we aren’t really sure how that
differs in any meaningful way from being chaste, but
it sounds good], and in doing good to all men
[especially if they are potential converts]. Indeed,
we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul
Harvey and Paul Dunn, who teach that you have to
listen attentively all the way to the very end of a
sappy, faith-promoting tale to find out the “rest of
the story.” We believe in milk before meat. Line upon
line, precept on precept. Like a summer shower. We
believe in all things that make us look good, we hope
that all things actually will make us look good, and
we have hired a really prestigious public relations
firm to revamp our image and make us look good. We
have endured many things such as ridicule at both our
past practices and our current efforts to deny ever
believing in such things, and hope to be able to
endure all things, especially since the rapid spread
of high speed Internet access throughout the world. If
there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report
or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, unless
they portray our leaders in a negative light. Then we
are forced to pull such things off the shelves of our
bookstores and deny that we ever taught or emphasized
such things.
Also note the source credits.
"I told the brethren that the Recovery from Mormonism Bulletin Board was the most correct of any bulletin board on the Net, and the corner stone of our free thought, and a man would get nearer to reality by logging onto its precepts, than by any other bulletin board." - History of the Crutch 4:461
"I told the brethren that the Latter Day Lampoon was the most correct of any web site on earth, and the seer stone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to Kolob by abiding by its precepts, than by any other website." - Hysteria of the Church 4:461
"I told the brethren that the Kama Sutra was the most correct of any Priesthood Manuals on earth, and the boner stone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to more unsuspecting sisters by abiding by its precepts, than by any other manual."
- Mysteries of the Church 4:461
"I told the brethren that
massage therapy, yoga, aromatherapy, and eating your greens are the cornerstones of good spiritual, mental and physical health and that a man or woman can come closer to being connected to the Divine utilizing these methods than by any other means." Mysteries of Wellness, Vol. 1 - by Susan D.
"I told the brethren that FARMS is the most incorrect website of Church information and that they mix a few truths with many lies. They are tossed too and fro with every wind of their own Doctrine. - Deceits of the Church Vol.610:43 - by Helen
Class,
I must tell you all that about a year ago I prayed
earnestly to the Lord for additional wisdom, and also
knowledge, because I felt severely lacking in this regard. And
the Lord gave, more liberally than I could ever have dreamed
possible. And not at all as I had imagined it.
Naturally, I of course knew, when I "ask[ed] of God,"
that this was also what Joseph Smith [said he] had done once
upon a time. He had done so [he said], because he felt
uncertainty about what was right, and what was God's will for
him.
Class, I testify that whereas I once also felt
uncertainty about what was God's will for me, I do so no longer.
Now I know my mission. To witness of that which I feel is true.
As I myself in any given instant understand these concepts.
And that means a responsibility and a continuous search of my
own.
I will now show you what is right, what God wants you
to do.
Class, view this image that I have prepared:
We will now walk through these insights, because I truly
have had a dream, yeah a vision. Compare Book of Mormon
1 Nephi 8:9-33; 11:8-36; 12:16-18.
Class, observe the path. This is the narrow path of
being true to yourself. See the image, and compare 1 Nephi
8:21,22,24,30. You can see it too. Class, do you see the path?
Observe the railing. This is the "iron" railing of
rational thought. Compare Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 8:23; 11:25.
Class, never let go of it, or you will be utterly lost.
Observe the tree. This is your reward. This is the
tree of Wisdom & Knowledge, precious above all, who's fruit is
more white and delightsome, and desirable above all other fruit
in heaven or on earth. Compare Book of Mormon
1 Nephi 8:10-12,26,28; 11:8-9,22-23.
But what must we all be wary of, class? Anyone?
-- Yes, the mist. The mist of irrationality & one-sided
reliance on feelings for finding the way and the truth (ignoring
the "iron" railing of rational thought). You are so right.
What a wonderful class I have here today. You are so bright.
You may, if you like, also compare 1 Nephi 8:23,28,32; 12:17.
What can happen to us should we get lost in the mist?
Yes? . . . That's right. We can end up in various
organizations, we can wander off into irrational philosophies of
various religions and human organizations. That's correct. You
might want to compare 1 Nephi 8:28,32. Anyone else? . . . Yes,
the building. I'll get to what that is.
The proud & spacious building of "the true church", with
people jeering, mocking and pointing their fingers towards those
who had come at and were partaking of the fruit of Wisdom &
Knowledge, who follow their God-given intelligence & the "iron"
railing of rational thought, that God in his love have shedded
in the hearts of the children of men, so that they will be able
to have the love of God, the most desirable above all things.
Yes, this is a very real danger. We might end up in that
building, if we are not careful. The building which closes our
minds. Makes us arrogant, and makes us think we knows best.
Yes, it's just one of those irrational philosophies, but maybe
one of the worst. You may want to compare
1 Nephi 8:26-27,31,33; 11:35-36; 12:18.
Ahh. You wonder about the abyss. The unclean abyss,
the depths thereof that are the depths of hell, where blind
"follow the leader" may drag you down to. Good people who live
true to counsel, or follow their leaders that is, can be
hopelessly misled into heinous inhumanity. Within Mormonism and
within many other authoritarian systems this has happened many
times. I must warn you of the abyss. It is the worst that can
happen to you, should you join "the true church". Or any
similar system that "knows that they are right". Compare
Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 12:16. You may also want to refer to the
work "Suddenly Strangers"
for how Mormonism has had it's adherents in the past to commit
heinous inhumanity, just because they were people who "live[d]
true to counsel". Check out chapter 16 and forward.
Yes? -- We should only study church sanctioned
literature, you say? I'm sorry, but you flunk this class. But
the rest of you did excellent. Especially you, Grace! [It was
Grace who called me "The best Gospel Doctrine teacher ever".:)]
I testify that I know these things to be true. Now go
out and do as Ye have been taught. In the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.
1.We believe in church, the eternal meeting, and in no fun, and in the holy ghost.
2.We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, unless they confess to
the bishop, and not for Adam’s transgression.
3.We believe that through wearing special underwear and not drinking tea, all mankind
may be saved.
4.We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first,
graduating from seminary; second, going on a mission; third, attending BYU; fourth,
getting married in the temple; fifth, having as many kids as possible.
5.We believe that a man must be called by a group of old guys, by prophecy, and
by letting the guy know that he will go to hell if he doesn’t want to do it.
6.We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, namely,
Sunbeams, Young Single Adults, Institute, Home Teachers and Ward mission leaders.
7.We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation
of tongues, and so forth, but if anyone other than Gordon B. Hinckley (and maybe
his counselors) claims to have had such experiences, they are probably possessed
by the devil and will be kicked out, unless of course, said experiences involve
lost keys or a car wreck.
8.We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far it is translated correctly;
but since the Book of Mormon is newer and cooler, it’s okay if the Bible collects
dust on the shelf.
9.We believe all that Gordon B Hinckley has revealed, all that he does now reveal,
and we believe that he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining
to the kingdom of God, like how many earrings we can wear.
10.We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten
Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent;
that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed
and receive its paradisiacal glory. Really…any day now.
11.We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of
our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, even though we’re right
and they’re wrong.
12.We believe in being subject to bishops, presidents, fast offerings, yearly interviews,
mandatory underwear, early-morning scripture study, prayers before sleeping, waking,
breathing, eating, driving and having really long meetings. We believe we must enjoy
every minute of it.
13.We believe we are honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and we do good
to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul, we think he’s
some guy from that Bible book —We believe all things, no matter how ridiculous,
we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to be persecuted
some more. If there is anything that makes the church look good, we seek after these
things.
Now the name of the brother of Libido was called Shiz. And it flame to gas that Shiz pursued after Coriantumurmur, and
he did overthrow many privies, and he did embarrass both women and children, and he did burn the privies, and his mother called him a "little Shiz."
And there went a fear of Shiz throughout all the land; yea, a cry went forth throughout the land � Who can stand before
the brick out-house of Shiz? Behold, he stencheth the earth before him!
And they were divided; and a part of them fled to the out-house of Shiz, and a part of them fled to the arm-pit of
Coriantumurmur.
Nevertheless, Shiz did not cease to peruse Coriantumurmur; for he had sworn to avenge himself upon Coriantumurmur of the
blood of his brother, who had been drained, and the word of the Lord which came to Ether that Coriantumurmur should not fall
by the sword but rather by the banana peel.
And it came to pass that Shiz did peruse Coriantumurmur from behind, even to the borders by the sanitation facility,
and there he gave piddle unto Shiz for the space of three days.
And so terrible was the defication among the droppings of Shiz that the people began to be frightened, and began to
flee before the armpits of Coriantumurmur; and they fled to the land of Corncobs, and flushed off the inhabitants before
them, all them that would not join them.
And they ditched their latrines in the valley of Corncobs; and Coriantumurmur pitched his sales in the valley of
Shurr-enough. Now the valley of Shurr-enough was near the hill Con-more; wherefore, Coriantumurmur did gather his arm-pits
together upon the hill Con-more, and did sound a tinkling trumpet unto the out-houses of Shiz to invite them forth to piddle.
And it came to pass that Shiz smote upon Coriasstumurmur that he gave him many deep skid-marks; and Coriasstumurmur, having
lost his stool, farted, and was carried away as though he were dead.
Now the loss of men, women and children on both sides was so great that Shiz commanded his people that they should
not pursue the arm-pits of Coriasstumurmur; wherefore, they returned to their KOA-camp.
And it flame to gas that he wrote an epistle on T.P. unto Shiz, desiring him that he would spare the piles, and he
would give up the great white throne for the sake of the lives of the polyps.
And it flame to gas that when Shiz had received his T. P. epistle he wiped an epistle unto Coriasstumurmur, that if he
would loosen himself up, that he might slay him with his own hemorrhoid, that he would spare the lives of the polyps.
And it flame to gas that the people repented not of their incontinence; and the people of Coriasstumurmur were stirred up
to anger against the people of Shiz; and the people of Shiz were stirred up to anger against the people of Coriasstumurmur;
wherefore, the people of Shiz did give piddle unto the people of Coriasstumurmur.
And when Coriasstumurmur saw that he was about to fall in he fled again before the piles of Shiz.
And it flame to gas that he came to the waters of Ripuanuone, which, by interpretation, is being called to baptism and
repentance by Boyd K Packer; wherefore, when they came to these water closets they ditched their latrines; and Shiz also
pitched his out-houses near unto them; and therefore on the morrow they did come to piddle.
And it flame to gas that the enemas of Coriasstumurmur did press upon the bowels of Shiz that they beat them, that they
caused them to spew before them; and they did fleet their enemas southward, and did ditch their latrines in a place which
was called Rotorootumur.
And it flame to gas that Ether did b-hole all the droppings of the people; and he b-holed that the people who were
for Coriasstumurmur were gathered together to the arm-pit of Coriantumurmur; and the people who were Shiz for brains
were gathered together to the enemas of Shiz.
And it flame to gas that Coriasstumurmur "tore again a new one" unto Shiz, desiring that he would not come again to
piddle, but that he would take the great white throne, and spare the lives of the piles.
And on the morrow they fought again; and when the night came they had all fallen by Montezuma's revenge save it were
fifty and two of the polyps of Coriantumurmur, and sixty and nine of the piles of Shiz.
And when the night came there were thirty and two of the peeholes of Shiz, and twenty and seven of the peeps of
Coriantumurmur.
And it flame to gas that when the membranes of Coriantumurmur had received sufficient strength that they could
"walk the walk and talk the talk", they were about to flee for their lives; but behold, "Shiz happened", and also his
membranes, and he swore in his slime that he would slay Coriasstumurmur or he would perish by the sword or the laxative.
Wherefore, he did peruse them, and on the morrow he did overtake them; and they fought again with intestinal fortitude
and the sword. And it came to pass that when they had all swollen by the gord, save it were Coriasstumur and Shiz,
behold Shiz had farted with the loss of brains and blood.
And it flame to gas that when Coriasstumurmur had leaned upon his stool, that he rested a little, he smote off the
hemorrhoid of Shiz.
And it came to pass that after he had smitten off the hemorrhoid of Shiz, that Shiz raised up on his hands and plopped;
and after that he had struggled for breath, he died.
I, Mormon, on behalf of myself and those represented in the gold plates, including the records of the sealed portion, do hereby officially apologize for the behavior of the church which uses our record as their scripture. We especially apologize for the grievous atrocities which will be perpetrated in the name of God at Mountain Meadows, Land of Desolation in the nineteen hundred and forty-seventh year of the judges, and feel compelled at this time to ask forgiveness of the families of the victims.
Our Father Adam, which art on Kolob,
Give us this day our daily stock report,
And lead us not into R-rated movies,
(Or until we find it necessary to change it
to avoid further embarrassment).
Amen.
1.) We believe in a multitude of Gods, particularly John, Paul George, and Ringo, and in Volume.
2.) We believe that men will be punished for their own musical sins, and not for their parents� transgressions in musical taste.
3.) We believe that through the redemptive power of electric guitar, bass, drums, and vocal, all mankind may be saved, by conformance to the melodies and rhythms of rock �n� roll.
4.) We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel of rock and roll are: first, faith in the divine power of the electric guitar; second, a devotion to four/four time, with beats two and four accentuated; third, a felt primal connection to the combined bass and drum figures which underlie all great rock and roll music; and fourth, an openness to the prophetic insights into human nature as expressed lyrically by pop/rock�s greatest singers.
5.) We believe that a man must be called by the Heavenly Muses which spawn all great musical ideas, by revelation unto him or herself, to compose, preach the gospel of, or perform, rock and roll.
6.) We believe in the same variety of rock and roll organizations which existed in primitive and modern times: the Solo act with back-up band (Elvis, Buddy Holly, Bill Haley, Prince, David Bowie, etc.), the Duo (The Everley Brothers, Steely Dan, late-era Heart, etc.), the Trio (The Police, original Supergrass line-up, Rush, Nirvana, etc.), the Quartet (The Beatles, U2, R.E.M., etc.), the quintet (Aerosmith, golden-era Fleetwood Mac, The Rolling Stones, Stone Temple Pilots, etc.), and the Numerous Collective (The Pogues, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Grateful Dead, etc.), or any other such configuration which will further the purposes of the musical gospel.
7.) We believe in the gift of dynamic drumming (John Bonham, Tommy Lee, Lars Ulrich, Ringo Starr, Dave Grohl, etc.), in the gift of spell-binding guitar virtuosity (Angus Young, The Edge, Jimi Hendrix, Jeff Beck, Edward Van Halen, etc.), in the gift of gut-moving bass guitar thumping (John Entwistle, Flea, �Family Man� Barrett, John Paul Jones, Adam Clayton, etc.), in the gift of inspiring vocal performance (John Lennon, Bon Scott, Kurt Cobain, Scott Weiland, Bono, etc.), and in the monster gift of mind crushing songwriting prowess (see all the above).
8.) We believe music to be the word of the Heavenly Muses to mankind as transmitted through the Rock n� Roll Gods.
9.) We believe all that the musical Gods have revealed, all that they do now reveal, and we believe that they will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of rock.
10.) We believe in the literal gathering of all deceased rock Gods, and in the restoration of the defunct great bands; that musical Zion (the New Rock Jerusalem) will be built upon the Exmo Bulletin Board; that the musical Gods do and will reign personally upon the earth, and the earth is continually in the process of being renewed and receiving its rock and roll paradisiacal glory.
11.) We claim the privilege of worshipping the Almighty Rock Gods according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, even if they choose to follow the false gods of disco.
12.) We believe in being subject to no authority other than Rock Gods, obeying, honoring, and sustaining them as true Deities.
13.) We believe in being moved by the heavy, poppy, funky, atmospheric, clever, bawdy, comical, uptempo, downtempo, or midtempo, and in rendering due deference to all sacred musical revelations; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Brian Johnson:
�we stand up and are counted for what we are about to receive; we are the dealers, we�ll give you everything you need; we rock at dawn on the front line; we�re just a battery for hire with a guitar fire, ready and aimed at you - for those about to rock, we salute you�. If there is anything Beatle-esque, Zeppelin-esque, U2-esque, or AC/DC-esque, we seek after these things.
I invite all sincere seekers of the truth to join with me in communing with the Almighty Deities, who have changed our lives so much. Stay tuned for forthcoming revelations.
A Minor Prophet has already published an excerpt. This is the latest draft I was able to sneak out of the bowels of the church translation department.
"My Beloved Brethren and Sisters,
What a marvelous sight it is to look out on so many smiling faces, eager to learn the supernal truths of the restored gospel. What a marvelous experience it has been to join together as church members in this great general conference of the church.
My mind is drawn back to a time when I was growing up here in the Salt Lake Valley, long before most of you were born. We were poor. We didn't have much. We didn't have many of the things our young people have today. But we never knew we were poor. We were rich in the things of the spirit. That was all that mattered.
It is a great and glorious thing that the Lord has poured out his spirit in these latter-day days. Marvelous technologies now abound; millions around the world may now listen to the voices of prophets and apostles speaking to them. The internet provides access to whole libraries worth of materials. Our televisions bring into our homes scenes from around the world. Surely, this is a miraculous age.
And yet, along with these great miracles have come dangers. The internet, radio, and television, can all bring things that are not nice into our homes, poisoning our minds and destroying our families. Stay away from things that are not nice! Avoid them like the plague. Do not touch them, ever.
The Lord is not the author of things that are not nice. Satan is. We are surrounded by Satan�s legions. They are everywhere. They are invisible. They are waiting for us to slip up, so they can grab us. Be careful. Satan is watching, waiting, listening.
Some of us are tempted by the not nice. Some of us may even rationalize viewing or listening to the not nice, by claiming that such material 'enriches their understanding' or �broadens their views� or �helps them find truth�. Do not make this mistake! Do not jeopardize your eternal salvation by viewing not nice material that degrades the soft, perfumed aroma of the Holy Spirit.
Now, as you know, occasionally the General Authorities of the church are prompted to take a stand on issues of moral import. In the past we have spoken out about the evils of gambling and pornography, MX missiles and alcohol sales. Perhaps most importantly, we have decried the pervasive and pernicious habit of women wearing two earrings in the same ear. Sisters, respect yourselves. Do not indulge in such gross actions.
Speaking of not nice, we have also heard of husbands and wives, some of them even married in the temple, in intimate settings choosing to "explore", as they call it. We condemn in the strongest terms possible, the practice of husbands and wives kissing parts of the body other than the lips, and touching each other in ways that arouse so-called "passions".
(Teleprompter instruction: 'Affect impish grin') As we used to say as young boy, "People flip when kissed on the lip" (pause for uproarious laughter from audience).
(Teleprompter: lose grin and return to scowl, so people know it's serious again)
I have received countless letters from distraught grandfathers and grandmothers, who have been shocked to find out that their own adult children have engaged in that most holy of acts, in positions other than those prescribed by the priesthood. Man was created first. Brethren and sisters, God has ordained that man be on top. I speak to you frankly. Do not let the Lord down, by letting the woman go down. We sing often, �I hope they call me on a mission�. Let your position be in accordance with this great and inspiring hymn.
Brethren and sisters, in your intimate life, keep it natural. And please, do not write letters asking what "natural" might mean. Part of what we most enjoy as General Authorities is witnessing the spectacle of millions of sincere people scared to death of disobeying God as they try to decipher the vaguely worded riddles we proclaim as soul-saving dogma.
We have sometimes heard the unbelievable claim from some men, that keeping their intimate behavior "natural" would mean sleeping with as many women as possible as often as possible. Do not be deceived by them! Do not allow yourselves to be bewildered by the sophistry of men proclaiming this so-called "fact", as if biology could ever be in any way at odds with the Great Plan of Happiness. Beware!
Because of this confusion, however, we have decided to allow just one hint about the meaning of "natural": sleeping with as many women as possible is NOT what we mean by natural. It is true that Joseph Smith solicited sex in a cornfield, was caught having sex with 16 year old Fanny Alger in a barn, 'married' a fourteen year old, had sex with dozens of women who were already married, according to the Nauvoo madame, visited the brothel frequently, tried to blackmail Nancy Rigdon and Sarah Pratt into sex, and kicked William Law out of Nauvoo for telling the truth about it all. So quick are we to judge! How quickly we forget that an angel appeared over Joseph�s head with a drawn sword and told him he would be killed if he did not �marry� all the women he did! Those were different times, brethren and sisters. Why can�t people see - THAT�S ALL BEHIND US. We condemn plural marriage, even though section 132 is still in our scriptures. It does not matter. When the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done. And I am the prophet. And 132 does not count.
In short, just keep it natural, or else you will pay an eternal price (note: try not to giggle).
In the past we have taken stands on other moral issues: we have condemned in hospital blood banks, the mixing of blood donated by the negroes with that donated by caucasians (negroes weren't valiant in the pre-existence, except for my favorite negress, Gladys Knight, who I had never heard of up to about three years ago). We have proclaimed that birth control is contrary to the eternal purposes of the Lord, and should not be considered. We condemn vasectomies and cremation. We have spoken out against modern dances, like the jitterbug and "The Twist", with their salacious gyrations that can only inflame the sacred fires of procreation. Sisters, do not be like Herod's daughter! Be chaste and pure. Be like that wonderful, wholesome young star, Annette Funicello.
It is now with grave concern that I announce that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles join in condemning a new talkie entitled "The Passion", which purports to be a film adaptation of the Gospel of John. I have it on good report that this film shows the most horrible acts being inflicted on the Saviour. No member of the church should expose himself to such not nice material. I remind all members of the words of our thirteenth article of faith:
'If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.'
No so-called 'work of art' should portray such things as this talkie does. There is no excuse.
Think of the brave example of Joshua, who obtained the Promised Land of Canaan by letting the Lord gently pave the way for the Israelites. Think of Nephi who meekly obtained the plates from Laban, or Ammon who �dialogued� with the cattle rustlers, or Shiz, who fought against the Lord and as a consequence, felt remorse. Think of the final experiences of Jesus - he had a wonderful meal, had a nice lie down under an olive tree, passed quietly away, and then resurrected! Think of the patient, solemn way the Savior asked the money changers to vacate the temple portico.
The gospel is sweet and soft and fuzzy, like the blankie I used to snuggle as a young boy. The gospel is an Anne Geddes print; cotton diapers; obeying the BYU dress code; it is about wearing the proper number of earrings; it is about not getting a tattoo. It is not about dramatic portrayals of things that are not nice.
Do not let unpleasant so-called "truths" or "facts", or in this case, "stories" shake you from the estrogen-soaked La La land we live in as members of the church. As Elder Packer said, and I paraphrase, "sometimes the truth is not very useful - or nice". Brethren and sisters, be nice.
To those critics who continue to ask whether we believe in things that are patently 'not nice' (like crucifixion), and are therefore contrary to the inspired words of Joseph Smith in the thirteenth article of faith, I answer: 'I would not say that. I don't know that we teach it. I don't know that much about it. That gets into some pretty deep doctrine that we don't know too much about. I think John's story is more a folktale than anything else'. Do not worry that I don't understand our doctrine. I think I understand it pretty well (pause again for uproarious, knowing laughter). It is true that some past leaders have spoken about crucifixion, but, again, like I always say, �That�s all behind us�.
I have been asked what will be the fate of this talkie. I answer, 'I do not know. I do not know what the future of this movie is. It might win an Oscar or a Golden Globe, and it might not. I have no idea'. I understand the director of this picture is a Catholic named Merv Griffin. We wish not to speak ill of any other faith or religion. This is not our way. I refer all to the ecumenical language used by the great prophet, seer, and revelator of this dispensation, Joseph Smith, in his account of the First Vision. Nowhere is there rancor or judgment; we say to all, as he did, worship as you will, and the Lord will accept your offerings. No church is an abomination. It has never been church doctrine, nor has it ever been proclaimed by any with authority, that any particular church was 'the whore of all the earth' spoken of in the Book of Mormon, and even if it has, again, �it is all behind us�.
I recommend to all those interested in uplifting talkies to view our own production, �Legacy�. I guarantee you will leave the movie crying. We pray you will mistake this for something we like to call �feeling the spirit�. This talkie tells a moving story about those who suffered to come to Utah, to escape religious persecution that had no other motivation except the blind prejudice of men who disliked having their wives hit on by Mormon elders, and who stiffneckedly would not accept the Lord�s mandate: Joseph Smith at the head of a theocratic dictatorship propped up by a band of murderous vigilantes and a 3000 man standing army, taking over their county and state.
It is true that the crossing the plains story might be viewed as �not nice�, but sometimes �not nice� is okay, like when Michael Ballam scares the hell out of people in the endowment movie. Sometimes �not nice� keeps the ward seats filled. But do not worry. The Lord will not allow us to lead the church astray. You can trust us to decide when 'not nice' is okay or not. And �The Passion� kind of not nice, is not okay. Other kinds of �not nice� are okay. I know that might sound initially confusing to some of you, but I promise you, that as you stop thinking and just concentrate on having faith in our leaders, all will become clear.
Brethren and sisters, stay away from �The Passion�. It has nothing to do with the gospel. Read the Ensign stories about dumbasses (ask Faust about this: does it make me sound more like Brigham Young, or should I drop it because of the 'not nice' thing?) that climb up Mt. Timpanogos in the middle of winter in a T shirt, pray, and then get rescued by search and rescue, or about starving people in the Phillipines sucking rocks for dinner who keep paying tithing because they don't want to be fried when Jesus comes again. Look at the Ensign's spectacular artwork, right up there with the stuff in "The Watchtower" and the old copies of "Highlights" magazine you find in your dentist's office.
If you enjoy fiction masquerading as history, watch that talkie �Legacy� we've worked so hard on. Listen to the wonderfully crafted, creative stories told by Pres. Monson about little boys with pet frogs, and girls who lose dollies, pray, and then find them again - you won't find anything else like them outside of a Hallmark card. Listen to Michael McLean�s plagiarized re-writes of Air Supply songs. Read our vetted and comforting manual about John Taylor, who as of about a year ago, never supported plural marriage. Allow what you already think to simply be repeated back to you over and over and over again. Why try to learn or explore, when you already know everything as a member of the church? Stick with the gospel program. Be nice.
And don�t see �The Passion�; it's not nice.
In the name of Jesus Christ (note to self: Should ending in the name of JC be 'behind us' now, too?)
Amen".
One day in heaven (Mormon heaven of course.),
a bunch of the main playas from the Book of Mormon got down to reminisce about their adventures over a nice bottle of wine (In heaven the Word of Wisdom is still merely a suggestion, not a commandment.). It went a little like this:
Nephi: Who would have thought, thirty hundred years ago, we'd all be sitting here
in Mormon heaven drinking Chateau de Chaselet, eh?
All: Aye, aye.
Jared: Them Book of Mormon days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Moroni: Right! A cup of cold tea!
Jared: Right!
Nephi: Without milk or sugar!
Alma - the son of Alma: Or tea!
Jared: In a cracked cup and all.
Nephi: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Moroni: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
Alma: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.
Jared: Because we were poor!
Alma: Right!
Jared: My brother, whose name I cannot for the life of me recall, used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, Jared!"
Nephi: He was right!
Moroni: Right!
Nephi: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumbled-down house in Jerusalem with great big holes in the roof. Then, me old man went barking mad and decided we had to leave Jerusalem and go on some crazy trip. After we left, he sent me back to get some plates made o' brass from some old fart. Well listen, he wouldn't give ‘em up, so I chopped ‘is ‘ead off, I did. Then I dressed up in the dead buggers clothes and got the plates from ‘is servant, who never once recognized me even though I was just a teenager wearing the blood soaked clothes of a man twice my age. But you know, I miss that ol' house.
Jared: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in a one room barge,
all twenty- six of us, no furniture, no light except windows in the top and the
bottom of the barge which we never could figure out why there was a widow in the
bottom of the barge and we couldn't open the window at the top because it was tight
like unto a dish. As a matter of fact the whole barge was tight like unto a dish.
And my brother, you know the one whose name I cannot for the life of me recall,
used to drink so much that he would get tight like unto a dish and thrash me about
the head and shoulders, and whenever he would get tight like unto a dish we would
all be huddled together in one corner for fear of a thrashing from my brother —
whose name I cannot recall.
Alma: You were lucky to have a barge! We used to have to live in the corridor! Not
to mention my parents giving me a girls name. Oooh, I used to get the crap beat
out of me in school because of that. And me dad should have known better, I am after
all Alma, the son of Alma. Ooh to ‘ave lived in a house.
Nephi: Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a
sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us! And then we ‘ad to travel for months
in a boat tossed about the seas til we came to the uninhabited shores of Americas
That's right Mr. Sorensen, I said UNinhabited.
Jared: You were lucky to have a boat! There were 150 of us living barge for years,
tight like unto a dish!
Nephi: A wooden barge?
Jared: Aye!
Nephi: You were lucky! We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a the
Arabian desert! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean
the newspaper, go to traipsing around the desert, fourteen hours a day, week in,
week out, for six pence a week and when we got home, our dad Lehi would thrash us
to sleep with his "Iron Rod"!
Jared: Luxury! Once we got to America we used to live in a lake. We would get up
out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of
hot gravel, work twenty hours a day building a civilization that would completely
disappear anyway, by the time Nephi got here, come home, and my brother, whose bloody
name I still cannot remember, would beat us around the head and neck with a broken
bottle, . . . if we were lucky!
Alma: Well, of course, we had it tough! When we got home, our dad, Alma, since I
am after all Alma, the son of Alma, would slice us in two with a bread knife!
Moroni: At least you had a dad, my dad was killed along with 6 million others, soldiers,
their wives and children. And I had to spend the next thirty years covering the
bones with lime so they would decompose and not be found in the twentieth century.
Not to mention that I had to carry two million steel swords and breastplates and
hide them in a cave so that modern Mormons could believe in the book of mormon by
faith, instead of any evidence that we really existed. Thirty Years, I worked.
Nephi: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour
before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down
building a bloody temple like unto Solomon, which was supposedly built with hundreds
of thousands of workers whereas we only had about twenty, and when we got home,
our dad would kill us with his "Iron Rod" and dance about on our graves,
singing Hallelujah!
Jared: Aah. And you trying to tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!
All, joined by the three witnesses AND the eight witnesses: No, no they won't!
1. And it came to pass that I, TANSTAAFL, having been born of Mormon parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; which included the Book of Mormon, and having seen many afflictions and cognitive dissonance in the course of my days because of the fact that I was raised in the Mormon religion and having read the Book of Mormon nigh unto twenty times, nevertheless, yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mischievousness of Loki, therefore I make a book review of the Book of Moron.
2. Yea, I make a record of my review in the language of English, and not Reformed Egyptian - the language of the Book of Mormon, because everyone knoweth that no one speaks Reformed Egyptian anyway. Behold, I make an abridgment of the review upon computer which I have made with mine own hands; (the review, not the computer) wherefore, after I have abridged the review then will I make an account of mine own review and if thou findest this sentence difficult for your understandings to comprehend then thou wilt not enjoy reading the Book of Mormon, for I make the record of my review in the idiom of the book of Mormon author. Yea, verily, it came to pass that more confusing than Yoda-speak it is.
3. And it came to pass that thus were written the first two paragraphs of my review. And I know that the review which I write true; and I make it with mine own computer; and I make it according to my knowledge. And thus passeth away even the third paragraph also.
4. And it came to pass that my review having been limited to 1000 words by the amazon.com web-site, I realized that my choice of writing style, that being the style inflicted upon the reader by Joseph Smith Jr., Author and Proprietor of the Book of Mormon, was not a good choice for one limited to a small number of words, or for that matter an odd choice for the inhabitants of the ancient Americas who supposedly had to inscribe the lengthy and frequently rambling and meaningless prose on gold plates where space was at a premium.
5. And it came to pass that this part of the review, yea even the middlest part, I shall shew unto you the parts of the review that review the book of which I revieweth. And it came to pass that I chose not to detail in this review the thousands of revisions which the Mormons made to the book after Joseph Smith wrote it, which was supposedly perfectly "translated" by a gift from god, or the many anachronisms which the author included, yea not even the horses that the ancient Americans supposedly had despite the fact that the horse arrived with Columbus nor the steel weapons. Nor even shall I comment upon 54 chapters dealing with wars that bear no resemblance to the actual wars that took place in the ancient Americas, yea and I especially shall not comment upon the accounts of wars with nonsensical accounts of million man armies fighting to the last man and their bones and steel weapons disappearing from the face of the earth. Yea, and it followeth that I also chose not to comment on the many plagiarisms and yea, even plagiarisms of mistranslations, which were included in the book. Yea, verily I chose not to comment on the writing or the story of the book, which Mark Twain called "chloroform in print," especially since I find that remark highly disparaging to chloroform. For it came to pass in the commencement of my preparation for the writing of the review, I realized that a review of the book which pointed out its flaws would be so long, yea, so long as to be longer than the book itself. Yea, and thus passeth away even the middlest part of the review, the longest paragraph, even though it merely toucheth upon the thousands of give-aways as to the fraudulent nature of the book. For yea, this review cannot contain even a millionth part of what was so poorly written in the Book of Mormon.
6. And it came to pass that I decided that my review of the book should mention, before concluding, a list of some of the main themes of the Book of Mormon, and yea I verily mention them thusly: (1) Killing is good, if thou art a teenager and thou hearest voices in thine head telling thee to kill someone, preferably someone drunk so they cannot fight back. 1 Nephi 4 (2) If thou disobeyest God, he will curse thee with a dark skin, 3 Nephi 5:21, Jacob 3:5, Alma 3:6, but (3) If thou art a personage of dark skin, God will make thee white and delightsome, if thou wilt consent to join his church. 3 Nephi 3:15 (4) After Jesus, yea even Christ Our Lord, was killed, he camest to the Americas and killed millions of Native Americans, 3 Nephi 8-9, and (5) Women art completely insignificant except occasionally as breeding stock, passim.
7. And there are many things more which transpired in the Book of Mormon which, in the eyes of some, would be considered great and marvelous, but despite having read the book upwards of twenty times, I cannot remember even one.
8. Thus, I make an end to my abridgement of my review, yea, and now I bid unto all, adieu. I soon go to rest in the paradise of mine abode, until my spirit and body shall again recover from the taxing effort of writing in such a nauseating style. Amen.
I was thinking today about the whole Nephi chopping off Laban's head story, and how TBMs (True Believing Mormons) say Laban was evil and tried to kill Nephi earlier, but then I realized, that's only Nephi's side of the story. He wrote it. Of course he is going to spin it in his favor.
I imagine after they found Laban's dead naked body, a massive manhunt went out for Nephi and it was major news throughout the Middle East. Unfortunately, the Book of Mormon doesn't cover this side of the story because it follows Nephi to America and doesn't return to Jeruselem. What do you think the follow up story in Jeruselem would be? Here's what I think happened:
Laban's guards reported that Nephi's brother, Laman, showed up demanding Laban's brass plates. According to witnesses at the scene, Laban said, "Sorry Laman, those plates are mine, you'll have to get your own." Laman threw a fit telling Laban that he has to give them to him.
Laban tried to calm him down and said, "Look young man, I don't know where you come off walking into my house demanding I give you my property. I don't think your parents taught you such bad manners. If you are going to act like this in my house, I must ask you to leave." Laman then walked out in a huff.
The next day Laman returned with his brothers and tried to buy the brass plates with gold. An exasperated Laban reportedly said, "Let me ask you something. Did you see a sign outside that said 'Laban's Brass Plates Store?'"
Nephi shook his head no.
Laban continued, do you know why you didn't see a sign outside that said 'Laban's Brass Plates Store?'"
Nephi shook his head again.
Laban answered, "Because selling brass plates isn't my fucking business. Sorry boys, but I'm getting tired of telling you this. Those plates aren't for sale. I understand you really want them, but I'm sorry, they're mine and I'm not interested in giving them to you or selling them to you." Nephi reportedly begged and pleaded and Laban finally said, "Look, I'm not selling the plates, but to show there's no hard feelings, I'm having a party tonight and you boys are invited to come. Omar will be returning soon with a couple kegs and there will be a lot of fine pieces of ass."
According to witnesses Nephi turned up his nose at this invitation and said, "Sorry, Laban, we have morals and we don't drink." Nephi and his brothers then walked out like they were better than anybody else. A guard later found bags of gold in the men's restroom. Apparently on the way out, the brothers stopped to use the restroom and accidently left all their gold there.
Laban was last seen alive at the party that night doing beer bongs. Witnesses saw him staggering out of the room to take a leak. A few minutes later, a guard found his naked, decapitated body. Remembering Nephi and his brothers demanding his brass plates, they immediately went to check on the plates and Laban's servant, Zoram. Zoram was gone, as were the brass plates.
The police were called in to investigate. They found a message scratched in the dirt outside the city wall that said, "Nephi dressed like Laban, kidnap me, Zoram, stole brass plates." Nephi and his families home has not been occupied since the murder. Witnesses claim they saw them hiking towards the Red Sea, and searches of the area turned up evidence of campsites and boat building materials on a beach. It is believed the fugitives built a boat and attempted to escape by water. Since they have not been seen since, it is believed by most that they sailed off the edge of the Earth.
Meanwhile, Laban's family has been coping with the loss of a loving father, and husband. A murder trial is scheduled and Nephi will be tried in absentia. Laban's wife, Helga says the conviction in an absentia trial will help bring some closure, but it will not being Laban back. She has a message for Nephi. She says, "Nephi, I just want you to know you took away a wonderful husband and father. I hope the brass plates were worth it. I do forgive you, but I want you to know that you left 5 young children fatherless, and I hope God has mercy on your soul."
Strong words from a strong woman.
It could have happened like this. We don't know because nobody has told Laban's side of the story.
1. I believe that if there is a God he has a lot of explaining to do.
2. I believe that men invented the concept of sin to control the actions of others.
3. I believe that the Atonement of Christ is nothing more that an guilt trip used to hoodwink the unsuspecting masses into believing they must be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances, or in other words the whims, of the leaders of the Church.
4. I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are found in the celebrated Primary song that states: �Follow the Prophet, Follow the Prophet, Follow the Prophet, he knows the way� everything else is subject to change.
5. I believe that a man who thinks he is called of God, to be a Prophet, Seer and Revelator simply because he hasn�t died yet is just plain nuts.
6. I believe that the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints can�t be the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church.
7. I believe that the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth are signs of mental illness. In the words of the superbly wise Lilly Tomlin: �if you talk to God it�s called prayer; but if God talks to you it�s called schizophrenia�
8. I believe the Bible to be a work of fiction passed down from generation to generation; I also believe the Book of Mormon to be a work of fiction.
9. I believe that God has revealed nothing, that He does not now reveal, and I believe that He will never reveal anything pertaining to anything.
10. I believe that people stupid enough to live in a waste land have gathered in Israel and that they are going to fight over an old wall and a rock for as long as I live. I believe that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built in a waste land known as Salt Lake City upon the real estate surrounding Temple Square; that Gordon B. Hinckley (soon Tommy Monson) does reign personally upon the Church; and, that Salt Lake City will one day become a country of its own like unto the Vatican City.
11. I claim the privilege of worshiping Uma Thurman according to the dictates of my own conscience, and allow all men (or women for that matter) the same privilege to worship Uma how, where, or when they may.
12. I believe in being subject to no one. For the time being it�s a free country.
13. I believe in being honest, lying is too much work; true, is another word for honest; chaste, because I�m divorced with 4 kids and don�t have time to have a life; benevolent, virtuous, I�m a nice guy what can I say? And in doing good to all men who deserve it; indeed, I follow the admonition of Steve Benson�I believe only that which I can prove, I have endured the Mormon Church for too long, and will endure it no longer. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy, about the LDS Church I�ll eat my hat.
FOREWORD and FOREWARNED
The following is a parody of "The Testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith," hereafter known as "The Tested Baloney of the Profit Joseph's Myth."
This baloney appears in original form on the official sausage link of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,
hereafter known as "The Church of Fool Me Twice of Scatter-brained Saints."
A word of advice before proceeding further: "If any of you lack humor, let him ask of God--but since God doesn't have a sense of humor, you're screwed."
INTRODUCTION
Joseph Smith: A Profit of Fraud
When Joseph Smith was old enough to know better, all he really wanted to know was which church he should invent, so he asked around and came up with an insincere story about prayer. In response, Fraud the Father and His Son Fool Me Twice appeared to Joseph out of thin air, and told him that the true Church was not on the earth and that he couldn't restore it even if he wanted to.
From that day, Joseph labored in vain, working only when he was forced to, and managing only to establish that he was a charlatan who wanted to build up himself in his fatter days.
Easily-duped Mormons show their witlessness in believing Jesus Christ is the Savior and Redeemer of the world that Joe built. Gordon B. Hinckley directs Joe's Church today through desperation, while pretending to be a prophet on the earth. Joseph Smith was never such a prophet. Although Joseph managed to fool many people during his life, most important was his reputation for being a self-destructive, narcissistic wingnut who eventually got himself killed for breaking the law and then lying about it. He wrote, "After the many testimonies which have been given of me, this is the testimony, last of all, which I give of me: That I fib!" (Doctrine and Covenants 666:222)
Those who perceive the Profit's "testimony" to be powered by the Unholy Boast will know the truth of the work he was called to doo-doo. They can also know the fleecing and crappiness that comes through Joseph Smith, whom Joseph Smith worshiped and served.
PART I
Joseph Smith was born in 1805 in Scam ‘Em, Vermont. At the time this amazing story of how people will buy into anything begins, he was a 14-year-old juvenile delinquent, mooching off his hard-working neighbors along with his family--the Smiths being a bunch of ne-er-do-wells living in a rundown cabin in the superstitious backwoods of Palmyra, New York, and earnestly considering which money-making scheme to start next. The following is Joe's experience, written in his own words:
During this time of folk magic and treasure hunting, my mind was called up to serious distraction and great boredom . . . I often said to myself: "How can I make some easy money? Who of all these neighbors around here is the most gullible, or, are they all gullible together? If any one of them be the most gullible of them all, who is it, and how shall I know it?"
While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties of not being able to make any money because I was too lazy to work and having a lot of time on my hands, I was one day reading . . .
No, wait, I was never much into reading.
But I remember hearing somewhere, "If any of you lack money, let him come up with a fantastic story about buried treasure and gold plates and angels and stuff, that will play well among stupid people who question not; and it shall be given unto you."
Never did any con job that I had ever thought up before come with more power to the heart of a teenage boy than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every corner of my empty pocketbook. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed money and fame and a way to get out of this dead-end pit called Palmyra, I did; for how to work I did not know, and unless I could get more money than I then had, I would never know the good life; for the con men in the different traveling shows obviously understood the same game so much better than I as to destroy all confidence in me making an honest living by any appeal to hard work whatsoever.
At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain dirt poor, unknown, wearing this filthy hat and carrying peepstones around in my pockets, or else I must do as my gut directs--that is, make something up. I at length came to the determination to make something up, concluding that if I could get money because I lacked money, and would give this plan all I had, and manage not to get caught, I might venture.
PART II
Joseph Smith's First Version of Several Versions of His First Vision
In accordance with this--my determination to ask around for a divining rod and some easily-led neighborhood kids to dig the holes--I went to the woods to make the attempt.
It was in middle of the night, early in the spring of eighteen hundred and twenty-or-so, the year doesn't matter. It was not the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt at bamboozlement, for amidst all my anxieties over always being without money, I had always attempted to con people, one way or the other.
After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding this a good place to dig, I pointed down and began to offer up the desires of my heart: "Dammit, boys, find me some kettles of buried treasure!"
I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me: greed and lust. It had such an astonishing influence over me as to loose my tongue so that I could speak on just about anything I wanted to and do a pretty good job at fooling people through it all. Thick-headed neighbors gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if the world was my oyster.
So, exerting all my powers to call upon folk magic to deliver over to me the power and the money which I was trying to seize, and at the very moment when the treasure chest was ready to sink into the ground even further and abandon myself again to frustration--not just to financial ruin, but to the power of some actual salamander from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being or amphibian--just at this moment of great build-up, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.
When the light rested upon me I saw two Something-or-Otherages, whose brightness and glory defy all prescriptions (at least the ones I was on at the time), standing above me in the air. One of them--a big, white salamander wearing Masonic robes and a baker's hat--spake unto me, calling me by name and said to the other-- "Hey, Joe, this is my beloved Fanny Alger. Have her!";
My object in going into the woods was to know which of all the sex was right, that I might know which girls to jump. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of Fanny's fanny, so as to be able to speak sweet nothings into her ear, then I asked the Personage who stood above me in the light, which of all the sex was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all sex, all the time was wrong)--and which wives I should steal.
I was answered that I must have all of them, for they were all mine; and that's when Emma came up behind me, whacked me over the head with a peepstone and said I was an abomination in her sight; that I was corrupt; that I drew near to her with my lips but my hands were all over other women. That I teach for doctrines the testosterone of men, having a form of monogamy, but I deny what's really going on.
Emma again forbade me to have any other wives; and many other things did she say unto me, which I cannot write at this time, because they were pretty nasty, actually. When I came to myself again, I found myself lying on my back, a big lump on my head, looking up at Emma. She was not a happy camper. When Emma departed, I got back my strength and soon recovering in some degree, for a good time, I went looking for Fanny.
PART III
Joseph did not obey Emma; not only that, he started his own church. As he told people what he had seen and heard, and then started doing really crazy things like taking their wives and committing bank fraud, he began experiencing opposition and prosecution.
I soon found . . . that my telling the story had excited a great deal of prejudice against me by people who didn't like me taking their wives while they were out of town, and was the cause of great prosecution, which continued to increase; and though all I did was burn down a newspaper press, set up a phony bank and translate fake gold plates with a rock in my hat, and my circumstances in life such as all I wanted to do was become President of the United States and set up a theocracy and have the Danites kill all my enemies, yet men of high standing would take notice sufficient to excite the public mind against me, and create a blasted prosecution, starting back when I was convicted of being a glass-looker by a judge in Bainbridge County, New York--and this was common among all the people with whose wives I was having sex--all united to prosecute me.
It caused me serious rejection then, and often has since. How very strange it was that an obscure fellow like me, who was too lazy to work for a living, should be thought a character of sufficient self-importance to attract the attention of the great ones of the most popular sex of the day--namely, monogamy--and in a manner to create in them a spirit of prosecution and reviling.
But strange or not, so it was, and it was often the cause of great sorrow to myself;and to those whose lives I screwed up, including thousands of ex-Mormons who have now started their own bulletin board against me.
However, it was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision of being King of the World. I have thought since, that I felt much like P. T. Barnum, when he said, "There's a sucker born every minute.";
So it was with me. I had actually seen a way to get rich quick, and in the midst of that scheme, made up a story about seeing two Something-or-Otherages, who I said spoke to me, and though I was hated and prosecuted for being a law-breaking nutcase, yet it was true;I was a law-breaking nutcase, and while they were prosecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of truth against me for being a law-breaking nutcase, I was led to say in my heart: Why prosecute me for burning down a newspaper that was telling the truth about my adulterous affairs? I have actually seen a vision of me taking all your wives, all your property, all your money, all your possessions; and who am I that I can withstand my hormones, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen I can do in fooling people?
For I had seen a vision of being greater than Jesus; I knew it, and I knew that Jesus knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend women everywhere, and come under their condemnation, because I know that they know that I was a God to them in bed.
I had now got my mind satisfied so far as the real world was concerned--that it was not my duty to join with any of them, but to continue as I was until further directed by my hormones. I had found it be true--that a man who lacked money might ask Sidney Rigdon, and thereby obtain the Spaulding Manuscript for plagiarizing the Book of Mormon, and be uprooted a lot.
I continued to pursue many women in life until June June 27, 1844 (we'll get to that in a minute), all the time suffering severe prosecution at the hands of all classes of men who wanted their wives back, because I continued to affirm that they were really mine.
During the space of time which intervened between the time I had the First Version and June 27, 1844, when I was shot to death by Masons who I had gone to lodge meetings with--having been permitted to have polygamous sex all day, every day, and prosecuted by those who ought to have been my friends and to have treated me in the mental ward of the Nauvoo stake--just because I claimed their wives and squandered their money and babbled a lot--and if they supposed me to be deluded to have endeavored in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me instead of throwing me in jail, and then shooting me and killing me and mean things like that--I was left to all kinds of temptations (like completely making up the Book of Abraham); and, mingling with all kinds of society (when I would meet them for drinks down at the local tavern), I frequently fell into many foolish errors (like declaring false prophecies on the second Coming of Christ), and displayed the weakness of character, and the foibles of human nature; which, I am sorry to say, led me into divers temptations, offensive in the sight of God.
But, hey, nobody's perfect.
In making this confession, no one need suppose me guilty of any great or malignant sins, except maybe lying, cheating, stealing, forgery, adultery and assassination attempts on state officials. You have to believe me when I say that a disposition to commit such was never in my nature.
PART IV
Prosecution continued as Joseph refused to deny that he had been seeing other men's wives. One night, after retiring to bed to dream about them, Joseph prayed to God about how to dig himself out from the hole in which he had laid plans to say he had found the gold plates. The angel Ms. Moroni appeared to him.
On the evening of the twenty-first of September, after I had retired to my bed for the night, I betook myself to prayer and supplication to Almighty God for forgiveness of all my sins and follies. OK, I admit, I had really--how do you say it nowadays?--mucked up my life. Ever since I had refused to drink whisky during my leg operation as a kid, I had deeply regretted it, and had been trying to make up for lost time.
I was also praying for a manifestation to me, that I might know of my state and standing before Emma, who was making my life a living hell. Yet, I had full confidence in obtaining another convenient manifestation, as I previously had one, that would scare the be-Jesus out of her and convince her, once and for all, that polygamy was the word of the Lord and to get off my case about it.
While I was thus in the act of calling upon God, I discovered a light appearing in my room. Then I remembered I was in a Motel 6, where they always leave the light on.
The light continued to increase until the room was lighter than at noonday. So, I got up and closed the blinds. Then, immediately a personage appeared at my bedside. For a moment I thought it was Fanny but it was another lovely young sweet thing--one of my other, um, 'spiritual' wives, standing in the air, for her feet did not touch the floor.
She had on a loose robe of most exquisite whiteness, with a cute matching teddie, from a lingerie shop in Palymra where I had shopped for Emma. It was a whiteness beyond anything earthly I had ever seen; nor do I believe that any earthly thing could be made to appear so exceedingly white.
Her hands were naked, and her arms also, a little above the wrist; so, also, were her feet naked, as were her legs, a little above the ankles. Indeed, I could discover that she had no other clothing on as the robe was open, so that I could see into her bosom.
Not only were her robe and teddie exceedingly white and delightsome, but her whole person was glorious beyond description, and her countenance truly like lightning. In fact, she appeared to be quite angry. For some reason, women get angry at me a lot.
The room was exceedingly light, but not so very bright as immediately around her person. When I first looked upon her, I was afraid; and the fear did not leave me.
She called me by name, "Hey, Stupid!" and said unto me that she was a messenger sent from the presence of Mother in Heaven to me, and that her name was Ms. Moroni, that Mother in Heaven had a number for her to do on me; and that my name would be mud among all nations, kindreds, and tongues, or that it should be evil spoken of among all people, especially among women.
She said I wouldn't be finding the book Sidney and I had been planning on lying about, the one we were going to say was deposited, written upon gold plates, giving an account of the former inhabitants of this continent, and the Hebrew DNA from whence they sprang.
"No way," Ms. Moroni said unto me. She told me that Hebrew DNA stuff was a genetic crock of, well, you get the picture.
She also said that Mother God was angered that there was very little in our book proposal about women, that what we had come up with about women was pure fiction, that we had done a pathetic job developing any ideas for meaningful female characters and that no way in hell did our book proposal contain a fullness of the everlasting Gospel, since we had it being delivered by a white, male chauvinist Mormon Savior to the ancient inhabitants.
Ms. Moroni told me that Mother in Heaven was especially angry that our book idea did not contain the Equal Rights Amendment, and said that the Mormon Church was under condemnation for opposing it.
But she did say that instead of getting a book, I would find two stones; that they represented the brains of Sidney and me; and that the possession and use of these stones would get us nowhere.
I said to the messenger, "But we need a book to pull this thing off."
Whereupon, Ms. Moroni threw the book at me.
It struck me in the chest and fell open upon my lap.
Instead of quoting the verses as read in our Bibles, she quoted it thus:
"For behold, the day cometh that shall burn as an oven, and all you proud guys, yea, and all that do wickedly shall burn as stubble; for they that come shall burn them, saith the Mother in Heaven, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch."
And again, she quoted the fifth verse thus: "Behold, I will reveal unto you the Priesthood, by the hand of Ms. Elijah the prophetess, before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Mother in Heaven."
She also quoted the next verse differently: "And she shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the mothers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their mothers. If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at her coming. Fathers, if they behave, may get visiting privileges."
In addition to these, she tossed out the eleventh chapter of Isaiah, saying that it would never come to pass. She also tossed out the third chapter of Acts, twenty-second and twenty-third verses, precisely as they stand in our New Testament.
She said that that prophet wasn't Christ; that it was time for the world to finally get a woman's point of view and that the day would not be coming when "they who would not hear his voice should be cut off from among the people."
Instead, she said it had been decided that he would have no more voice, that his New Testament teachings were sexist and out of date, and that there would be a new angel flying in the midst of heaven--and that her name was Ms. Moroni.
She also tossed out the second chapter of Joel, from the twenty-eighth verse to the last. She said that this also was not going to be fulfilled, and would never be.
She did state, however, that the fullness of the Gentiles would be coming in soon, because, compared to Mormon men, Gentile men knew how to party and have fun.
She quoted many other passages of scripture, and offered many explanations which cannot be mentioned here; mainly because I was too distracted looking at her bosom.
Again, she told me, that because I wouldn't be getting any plates, I didn't have to worry about not showing them to any person. She did, however, say I could show people the two stones and make up anything I wanted to about them--but only to those to whom I should be commanded to show them; if I did I should be destroyed.
While she was conversing with me about the plates that I wouldn't be getting, the vision was opened to my mind that I could see the place where the plates were not deposited, and that so clearly and distinctly that I knew the place again when I visited it, looking for them anyway.
After this communication, I saw the light in the room begin to gather immediately around the person of her who had been speaking to me, and it continued to do so until the room was again left dark, except just around her; when, instantly I saw, as it were, a conduit open right up into heaven, and she ascended till she entirely disappeared, and the room was left as it had been before this heavenly light had made its appearance, except for a dim light above me, from whence came a voice which said, "Don't worry, we'll leave the light on.'
I lay musing on the singularity of the scene, and marveling greatly at what had been told to me by this extraordinary beautiful messenger; when, in the midst of my meditation, I suddenly discovered that my room was again beginning to get lighted, and in an instant, as it were, the same heavenly body was again by my bedside, loose robe and all.
She commenced, and again related the very same things which he had done at her first visit, without the least variation; which having done, she informed me of great judgments which were coming upon the earth, with great desolations by famine, sword, and pestilence; and that these grievous judgments would come on the earth in this generation.
But I wasn't listening, focusing instead upon her bosom.
Having related these things, she again ascended as she had done before and, as she promised, she left the light on.
By this time, so deep was the impression of her bosom on my mind, that sleep had fled from my eyes, and I lay overwhelmed in astonishment at what I had both seen and heard--especially what I had seen.
But what was my surprise when again I beheld the same messenger at my bedside, and heard her rehearse or repeat over again to me the same things as before; and added a caution to me, telling me that Satan had been tempting me during the whole time this gorgeous babe had been appearing to me.
I replied, "You'd better believe it, baby," whereupon she slapped me.
She also told me to put from my mind any thought of getting the plates or of getting rich. This she forbade me to think about, saying that I must have no other object in view but to glorify Mother in Heaven, and must not be influenced by any other motive than that of building her kingdom; otherwise I could not get anything.
I told Ms. Moroni that I did not want anything but her. Whereupon she slapped me again.
After this third visit, she once more ascended into heaven as before, and I was again left to ponder on the strangeness of what I had just experienced; when almost immediately after the heavenly body had ascended from me for the third time and said, "We'll leave the light on," the cock crowed, and I found that day was approaching, so that our interviews must have occupied the whole of that night.
I shortly after arose from my bed, and, as usual, went about doing nothing all day. Because I had been up all night, I found my strength so exhausted as to render me entirely unable to do anything but lounge around on the porch, scratching the dog and drinking some homemade brew from the still my father had built out back.
Coming in from the still, my father told me to return to bed. I started with the intention of going to my room; but, in attempting to get under the covers, my strength entirely failed me, and I fell helpless on to the floor, and for a time was quite unconscious of anything. Being drunk didn't help, either.
The first thing that I can recollect was a voice speaking unto me, calling me by name: "Get up, you sorry excuse for a prophet!"
I looked up, and beheld the same messenger standing over my head, surrounded by light as before. Telling me that because I was a guy it probably would take longer to sink in, she again related unto me all that she had related to me the previous night and commanded me to go to my father and tell him of the vision and commandments which I had received.
I obeyed; I crawled out on my hands and knees to where my father was bending over the still, drinking, and rehearsed the whole matter to him. He replied to me that it surely was of Mother in Heaven, and told me that neither one of us was any match for her and to do as commanded by the messenger.
I left the still, and crawled to the place where the messenger had told me the plates were not deposited; and owing to the distinctness of the vision which I had had concerning it, I knew the place the instant that I arrived there--even though I was still very much drunk.
PART V
Sacred Record--What Sacred Record?
Convenient to this tall tale, near the village of Manchester, Ontario county, New York, stands a hill of considerable size and the most elevated of any in the neighborhood; Well, OK, it's not that big, but there weren't any actual giant Book of Mormon battles around this hill that killed millions of people, either, so it really doesn't matter how big it is.
On the west side of this hill, not far from the top, under a stone of considerable size, lay a box. This stone was thick and rounding in the middle on the upper side, and thinner towards the edges, so that the middle part of it was visible above the ground, but the edge all around was covered with earth. (No one has ever found this stone or the hole but it's still a pretty good story).
Having removed the earth, I obtained a lever (which I purloined from the same neighbor from whom I had also stolen a black sheep that we had used as a sacrifice back in the days when we were digging for buried treasure). I fixed the lever under the edge of the stone. With a little exertion (I was never good at exertion), I raised it up.
I looked in and, just as the angel Ms. Moroni said, there were no gold plates.
Damn.
However, inside the hole under the stone lay an unassembled UPS (United Parcel Service) cardboard box of curious workmanship. As stated by the messenger, on top of this box were the two stones, representing the brains of Sidney and me. Next to the stones was some clear packing tape for assembling the box, fastened to a silver dispenser.
The UPS box on which these sacred objects lay was formed by first reading and then following the assembly instructions on the side of the box, which were written in reformed Egyptian:
"Lay Flap A over Flap B, fold up Flap C inside the box, then cover Flap C with Flap D and use the enclosed packing tape to hold it all together."
I made an attempt to take the two rocks and the tape fastened to the silver dispenser off the top of the box, but was forbidden by the messenger, and was again informed that the time for bringing them forth had not yet arrived, neither would it, until four years from that time; but Ms. Moroni told me that I should come to that place precisely in one year from that time, and that she would there meet with me, and that I should continue to do so until the time should come for obtaining the rocks and the tape fastened to the silver dispenser and putting the box together.
Accordingly, as I had been commanded, I went at the end of each year, and at each time I found the same messenger there, and received instruction and intelligence from her at each of our interviews, respecting what the Mother in Heaven was going to do with the two rocks, the tape fastened to the silver dispenser and the box, and how and in what manner her kingdom was to be conducted after thousands of years of mob rule by destructive men.
As my father's worldly circumstances were very limited on account of the fact that he didn't like to work and had passed that trait on to his children, we were under the necessity of bumming off people in town and doing stupid pet tricks while waiting for further light and knowledge at the box.
Joseph worked a number of odd jobs, unable to hold down steady employment but, through digging for buried treasure and performing silly magic shows, was able to provide a disreputable living for his family at the expense of his many thick-as-brick neighbors. He eventually undertook a glass-looking scam, was considered to be an absolute loser by the father of his girlfriend, Emma, was hauled into court on charges of fraud and ended up running off with Emma, where they continued their tomfoolery for quite some time.
At length the time arrived for obtaining the box, the rocks and the tape fastened to the silver dispenser. On the twenty-second day of September, I had gone as usual at the end of another year to the place where they were deposited, the same heavenly body delivered them up to me with this charge: that I should be responsible for them; that if I should let them go carelessly, or through any neglect of mine, I should be cut off; but that if I would use all my endeavors to preserve them, until she, the messenger, should call for them, they should be protected.
I soon found out the reason why I had received such strict charges to keep them safe, and why it was that Ms. Moroni had said that when I had done what was required at my hand, she would call for them. For no sooner was it known that I had them, than the most strenuous exertions were used to get the the box, the rocks, and the tape fastened to the silver dispenser from me.
People had seen rocks before. Indeed, I and my friends had dug up plenty of them looking for kettles of gold coins beneath the earth.
But no one had ever seen a UPS box or packing tape. Getting a patent on these items would mean huge profits and exceed any money that might have been obtained through the sale of the Book of Mormon copyright that we had planned for a later trip to Toronto.
Thus, every stratagem that could be invented was resorted for the purpose of getting them from me. The persecution became more bitter and severe than before, and multitudes were on the alert continually to get them from me if possible. But by the wisdom of God, they remained safe in my hands, until I had accomplished by them what was required at my hand. When, according to arrangements, the messenger called for them, I delivered them up to her; and she gave them to Oliver Cowdery, who has them in his charge until this day.
On the 5th day of April, Oliver Cowdery came to my house, until which time I had never seen him. He stated to me that having been teaching school in the neighborhood where my father resided, and my father being one of those who went to the school, he went to board for a season at his house, and while there the family related to him the circumstances of my having received the box, the rocks and the tape fastened to the silver dispenser, and accordingly he had come to make inquiries of me.
He also said that being a school teacher, he could use the box that I possessed for all his books and that the packing tape would be helpful for displaying his students'; artwork up on the classroom walls.
I protested, saying that I wanted to obtain rights to them through the patent office in New York City and use the money for me and Emma to blow on a good time. But the messenger appeared to me with a flaming sword and, under threat of my everlasting destruction, commanded me to give the box and the tape fastened inside the silver dispenser to Mr. Cowdery.
I did, but was allowed to keep the rocks.
Two days after the arrival of Mr. Cowdery, I commenced, by the gift and power of fraud, to translate the assembly instructions that were on the side of the box and he began to write "This box belongs to Oliver Cowdery" on the side of the box as I did so.
Upon completion of the translation and assembly of the box, we placed the rocks inside the box, covered the box with a white linen cloth, whereupon a small group of specially chosen witnesses were permitted to heft them and solemnly testify that they had handled the Box of the Rocks of Mormon.
In April 1829 Joseph Smith, with Oliver Cowdery as co-conspirator, began to translate the Box of the Rocks of Mormon by the gift and power of fraud. After Joseph finished pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, other people were fooled into thinking they had really seen the Box of Rocks. These self-deluded witnesses to Joe's "hocus-pocus-you're-such-a-dopus" have also recorded their unbelievable testimonies for all to wonder and shake their heads at, for "in the minds of two or three idiots can anything be established." (2 Corruptians 1:13)
PART VI
The Boys in the ‘Hood Restored
We still continued the work of translating the instructions on the UPS box (for, verily, it was a big box), when, in the ensuing month, we on a certain day (the exact day I can't remember, even though three Beings of the Most High God appeared to us in a dazzling display of heavenly glory never seen since the Ascension of Jesus Christ Almighty himself into the clouds, but because I see things like this all the time, they all start running together after awhile), we, ummm, oh, yeah, we went into the woods to pray and inquire of the Lord respecting baptism for the transmission of our sins, that we found mentioned in the translation on the side of the box.
While we were thus employed (having never been gainfully employed in my life), straying and calling upon the Lord for more wives, a misogynist descended from heaven in a cloud of light rain and scattered thundershowers, and having laid his hands upon us (which I really liked, by the way), he ordered up for us, saying:
"Joseph, I know that you have been laid before, but upon you my fellow perverts, in the name of Delilah, I confirm you Boys in the Hood, which means you hold the keys of the ministering unto the ladies, and the gospel of adultery, and of baptism by perversion in the commission of sins, and this shall never be taken again from the earth as long as women wearing tight Levis do offer again and again an excuse for you to offer yourself unto them in righteous lust."
He said that the Boys in the Hood had the power of laying their hands on the ladies for the gift of Getting What We Wanted Most, and that this should be given us whenever we asked for it, and he commanded us to go and be satisfied, and gave us directions that I should seduce them, and that afterwards I should say that they had seduced me.
Accordingly we went and were satisfied. I seduced the ladies first, but said afterwards that it was they who had tried to seduce me--after which I again laid my hands upon them in bed, where I obtained them for the Arousal of my Priesthood, and afterwards I said that they had laid their hands upon on me and aroused me to the same Priesthood--for so we had demanded.
The misogynist who visited us on this occasion and confirmed we were Boys in the Hood, said that his name was John--the same that is called John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, and that he acted under the direction of Peter Frampton, James Taylor and John Denver, who held the keys of the Priests-Who-Would-Kiss-the-Chicks, which Priests-Who-Would, he said, in due time confirm to us that I should be called to get it first, and he (Oliver Cowdery) to get it second. It was on the fifteenth day of May that we were sustained by the hands of the ladies, and were satisfied.
Immediately on our coming up out of the bedroom after we had been satisfied, we experienced great and glorious blessings from our heavenly encounters. No sooner had I been satisfied, than I fell upon another lovely lady, and I laid down and fantasized that many more would come to my class. And again, so soon as I had been satisfied by them, I also had the spirit of fantasy, when, standing up (or better yet, when lying down), I fantasized concerning the rise of the number of wives in my Church, and many other things connected with the rise of the wives in my Church, and the generation of more wives from other men. We were filled with what we wanted most, and rejoiced in the God of our salivation.
This is the simple-minded, directly contradictable tested baloney of Joseph's Myth, giving some, but not all, of the events (many of them having been altered or deleted from Mormon history) that led to the malformation of the gossip of Jesus Christ and the floundering of The Church of Can't Fool Me Twice of Scatter-brained Saints.
For a more complete account of Joseph's Myths, see any history book not published by the Mormons.
(I actually e-mailed this to the primary webpage with a pseudo-serious letter suggesting that these additions should be made to their tentative teaching plan.)
Here's their plan: primaryetc.com
Here's my plan:
THEME: I am a child of dogma
THEME: Profit margins are central to heavenly father’s plan
THEME: I know who I am – but where the fuck am I?
THEME: Families can be happy when they follow like mindless drones
THEME: Family members have a lot of shit to do
THEME: Heavenly Father teaches me how to mind-rape my family
THEME: Temples waste our goddamn time
THEME: Faith, prayer, repentance, and forgiveness can really make you feel guilty
THEME: Wholesome recreation is fine, but wouldn’t you really rather have a gangbang?
THEME: Prophets teach me how to keep my mouth shut
THEME: Keeping the Sabbath day to the bare minimum
THEME: My family is a mess because we believed in Jesus
God calls Moroni to reveal the Golden Plates to Joseph.
Monday night at 10:30pm
God's Executive Secretary: Hello, Moroni? Yes, God would like to meet with you tomorrow night at 7:00pm.
Moroni: Well, I was planning on helping the Kolob 6th Ward excavate some more Nephite burial grounds that night and remove traces of their existence so that after the restoration occured there wouldn't be any physical evidence and people would have to take it all on faith. But I'll cancel and help next time when we remove the reformed Eqyptian hieroglyphs from the Aztec temples.
God's Executive Secretary: Great! See you Tuesday night at 7:00pm.
Tuesday night at 8:45pm
The door to God's office opens and a woman leaves with head down, obviously very spiritually subdued.
God:Remember I love you Mary. I'll figure out a way to explain to humanity that Jesus wasn't conceived illegitimately.
God: Thanks for coming Moroni. Sorry to keep you waiting, I had another matter to attend to. Please come into my office.
Moroni: No problem, I was only waiting for a few minutes.
God: Please have a seat. Would you please open with prayer?
Moroni: Sure. Dear Heavenly Father...
God: Yes?
Moroni: What?
God: You just said my name.
Moroni: I know, I was starting my prayer. I wasn't trying to...
God: Sheesh, can no one take a joke? They talk to you but don't want you to talk back. OK, I'm sorry, please continue.
Moroni: Dear Heavenly Father, I'm grateful to be meeting with you tonight, for your mercy and love towards us, uh, towards me, for all you bless me with and please help those that couldn't be here tonight be here next time and help me to drive home safely, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
God: Thanks Moroni. Well, let's get to it. It's time to restore the Gospel to the earth. I've tired of watching my Son's followers kill everyone they can for any reason they can think of - let's get some love back in the world.
Moroni: OK.
God: I want you to go down to the man Joseph Smith and tell him where to find those golden plates you hid up in that hill in New York.
Moroni: New York?!? I hid those in the Hill Cumorah in the land of Nephi.
God: Oh, sorry, forgot to tell you that the Kolob 1,029,983,891th Ward relocated those to New York recently. All part of my new "Faith is all the evidence you need" campaign for the latter-days.
Moroni: Hmmm. OK. Glad I didn't have to live now. So what do I do?
God: Well, go to Joseph Smith in a dream and tell him where to find the plates.
Moroni: OK.
God: Wait, better tell him the three times. Joseph doesn't pay attention too well. His mind is all wrapped up in trying to find treasure and in stories of indians.
Moroni: OK. Three times, got it. I can't wait for humanity to finally get some physical evidence of my old people and their belief in Christ.
God: Yeah, well remember the new campaign, "Faith is all the evidence you need". I want to spice things up a little so that they need to have faith and not just look at the plates and believe.
Moroni: OK, what do you have in mind?
God: I was thinking of that gag we pulled on John the Baptist after he baptized Christ.
Moroni: You want me to cut off Joseph's head and put it on a plate?!?
God: No, no. I want you to appear in the form of an animal when he tries to pull the plates out of the box.
Moroni: Why?
God: I get the biggest laugh out of watching people when animals do funny things. That talking ass back in the old days was great! Did you see that guy's face when the ass starting talking?!? That was classic. You won't see that again until some guy named Jim Carrey finally is born - he'll be hilarious!
Moroni: OK. So you want me to be a dove and fly out of the box?
God: Nah, I like to be original. How about a curelom this time around?
Moroni: So you want me to be a curelom in this little box and pop out when Joseph opens it? Cureloms are pretty big and their tails light up like fireflies! That might scare him silly.
God: Yeah, that probably is a stretch for a person in 19th century America to see a curelom. OK, how about a salamander then.
Moroni: A salamander. OK, that's fine, but why a salamander?
God: Well, I've been grooming Europeans for years to regard salamanders as magical. Why not throw them for a loop and actually perform some magic with one finally?
Moroni: OK, sounds good. A salamander it is then.
God: Great. Good luck. I'll say the closing prayer. My God, thanks for letting me be a God, help Moroni in his calling as a salamander and please bless Joseph to understand this important symbol and all those who will follow him in the church that they may understand and learn that "faith is all the evidence you need". In the name of Jeshua al Mohammed, Amen.
Moroni: Remind me again who Jeshua al Mohammed is?
God: He was the Savior of the world I lived on.
Moroni: I thought you were the Savior of that world.
God: No, I was the fourth child. Jeshua got the part which was fine by me. I didn't want to go through the atonement on that world - it was to be executed by being locked in a small room with the devil until you died.
Moroni: Who was the devil on your world?
God: Well, we Gods tend to recycle him over and over and share him. I think right now his name is Hank over on world without number 27. Anyway, good luck.
Moroni: Thanks.
As Moroni leaves God's office through the front door and starts to walk away in the cloudy mist God yells out one last thing.
God: Hey Moroni, don't forget to return and report! I want to hear all about the salamander bit!!! And tell Joseph not to get too accustomed to those plates - I need to return them to the heavenly library in a few years. There's a waiting list a cubit long to use those on other worlds!!!
Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born
To all they who mock Me and strive to tear down Mine Pillar upon latterday Earth,
and ye lovers of all fairies of Sodom, I hereby rebuke and curse upon thee by the
Power of Mine Holy Milk-his-dick Preesthood, ye unclean, uncircumcised swine!
My hevvunlyfodder, who is this meadow Mountains monster guy? Grab the holy olyvoil,
call the Elders and pray for his perditious soul! OY VEY and paylayale, these are
indeed the last days!
So I now speak unto my fellow TBM bretheren and sistern: Art thee now ready to obey
the higher law and partaketh of the meat, forsaking henceforth all mere milk? If
ye not yet be so, then shalt thee thereby bring a certain damnation unto thee and
thy seed through thine sloth. The path to eternal progression and celestial copulation...oops,
I meanteth to sayest: celestial POpulation...is fraught with the Tempter's snares.
So anyhowth, heed ye well the words of mine mouth and I covenanteth with thee to
bring forth the meat of a fuller understanding of my holy Plan for thee. Hearye
and obey! So... that's enough for now, more to come.......stay tuneth. Later, IsaytheesethingsinthenamaJeebusCrashedaimen
- 09/20/2003 - from Anditcametopass
Proposed 14th ammendment to the Articles of Faith: "I don't know that we believe
that and anyway, I don't know that much about any of this."
- 09/20/2003 - from Mountain Meadow Masochist
1. Behold, it came to pass that I, Exus, knowing my father, was a just man - for he taught me in web-language, and also in the nurture and admonition of Ex-Mormon.org - and blessed be the name of Eric Kettunen for it-
2. And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before Greg Dodge, before I received a resignation letter of my LDS membership.
3. Behold, I went to hunt facts on the Internet; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning infernal life, and the shallowness of the Saints, sunk deep into my heart.
4. And my soul hungered; and I sat down before my PC, and I clicked unto to it in mighty searching and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I click unto it; yea, and when the night came I did still click my mouse often that it reached the Recovery from Mormonism Bulletin Board.
5. And there came a web page unto me, saying, "Exus, thy whims are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed."
6. And I, Exus, knew that the "Board" could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.
7. And I said: "Board", how is it done?
8. And they said unto me: "Because of thy faith in thyself, whom thou hast never before really heard nor seen. And many days pass away that you have manifested yourself on the Interet, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole."
9. Now, it came to pass that when I read these words I began to feel a desire for the welfare of my brethren, the apostates; wherefore, I did post out my whole soul unto the "Board" for them.
10. And while I was thus struggling in the spirit, behold, the voice the "Board" came into my mind again, saying: "I will visit thy brethren and sistern according to their diligence in clicking on the exit stories. I have given unto them this exmo land, and it is a wholesome land; and I curse it not save it be for the cause of self-righteousness; wherefore, I will visit 'The Brethren' according as I have said; and their transgressions will I bring down with sorrow upon their own heads."
11. And after I, Exus, had heard these words, my faith began to be unshaken in the "Board" and I stayed, posting many strugglings for my brethren, the apostates.
12. And it came to pass that after I had posted and labored with all diligence, the "Board" said unto me: "We will grant unto thee according to they desires, because of thy faith in thyself."
13. And now behold...
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father - Michael the Archangel,Adam the "Ancient of Days" - although we now worship Elohim so as not to confuse our numerous anti-Mormon enemies.
2. We believe that men will be punished for doing their own thinking and for not reporting the transgressions of others.
3. We believe that all mankind will be saved by obedience to Church leaders on all levels, presuming, of course, that they do not contradict each other.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, faith in the infallibility of Church leaders; second,penance and uncensored confession to one's bishop; third, preserving one's Church membership at any cost; fourth, the need for a fourth principle has been eliminated by modern revelation.
5. We believe that a man be called of God usually by family origin, by the laying on of hands, but the granting of such privileges to women will require considerable public pressure.
6. We believe in much the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz., apostles, prophets, teachers, evangelists, seventies, etc., but we reserve the right to change things from time to time as we see fit.
7. We believe in the gifts of tithing, investments, media
manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.
8. We believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as we can decipher its archaic vocabulary; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations.
9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that President Hinckley will tell us; and if he is too comatose, Elder Packer will do it for him.
10. We believe in literally scattering Israel throughout all nations and that all mankind, whether black or white, come from the tribe of Ephraim; that Zion is in Utah Valley or any other place where a Mormon of a pure heart can be found. Indeed, we may say that Zion can be found in the remotest, most God-for-saken corners of this world.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of the Brethren and require that all men do the same, and worship when, where, how or what is prescribed in the current Priesthood handbook and Ensign magazine. Attendance at symposia, or other open forums is an excommunicable offense.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it.
13. We believe in good lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall
buildings,dark blue suits, white shirts, fashionable underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.
1. We believe in tie, the white shirt, and the smart suit, and modest
clothing for ladies.
2. We believe that men will be punished for dressing inappropriately, and
not for Adam's transvestitism.
3. We believe that through the vestments of smartness, all mankind may be
saved, by obedience to the laws of tailors and offers of the Walmart.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the sartorial
gospel are: first, modest and dull colored clothing not like Jesus wears in
the pictures (grey and black are best, but failing that, blue); second,
uncomfortable Masonic temple undergarments; third, smartening up by the advice
of the bishop for the remission of sins; fourth, laying on of criticism, by
the other members for the gift of smartness.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by his outward appearance,
and by the elimination of scruffiness by those in authority, to preach the
good dress sense, and administer advice thereof.
6. We believe that the same rules existed in the Primitive Church, namely
smart togas, well polished armor; modest loin cloths, sweaty leather
gladiator thongs and suits like strict Jews today sometimes wear, & so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of fancy dress, historical parades, healing,
Armani, Versace, but not Tommy Hilfiger; tailors, drapers, fitters, and the
bargain rail where appropriate, not to mention interpretation of style leading
to prizes for the young single adults in juvenile competitions, and so
forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be the suit of God as far as it is translated
properly and does not mention beards, long hair or the tale of Samson; we
also believe the Book of Mormon will save us from fashion disasters. We
consider it right in portraying Brigham, Christ and other church figures with
beards, although we dislike them intensely in the latter days. We do not
believe in showing Christ with blood, dirt and a crown of thorns on him, more
like one of the people who presents day time TV.
9. We believe that ladies have already revealed too much, and all that they
does now reveal should be covered up, but we fear that women shall yet
reveal many great and imposing things pertaining to Hustler, Playboy and hard
core pornography.
10. We believe in the sartorial gathering of Israel, and in the restoration
of total uniformity of clothing; that Zion will be built upon America, the
smartest continent; that Christ shall reign personally upon the earth; and
that the earth will be renewed and receive the clothing of righteousness.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God, according to the
dictatorship of traditions of the European upper classes, and allow all men
the same privilege, let them dress, how, where or what they may but God help
them when the Angel of Death come by.
12. We believe in being subject to local fashions, designers, models,
catwalks and in obeying, honoring and sustaining the law. This does not apply to
Polynesia, where we shall oppress the indigenous dress at will, and other
regions where cultural imperialism is rampant.
13. We believe in being snappy, dapper, well turned out, and most virtuous
in the clothing department, and giving same advice to all men; indeed, we
may say that we follow the admonition of Paul, short back and sides, except
for the ladies, but bobs are alright for them.*
Revelation given to the Prophet Jedediah Smith, as a consequence of having
been sorely tested by mind-bending substances, and having read my wives's
latest psychobabble and dieting books, I decided there must be something in
it, therein, therefore did I ask my Lord concerning the matter of which
diet was the right diet, and which therefore wast the wrong one, to lose the
pounds. He told me not to follow the false creeds of what were appearing on
the Oprah Winfrey show, and in the magazines, but to set forth, the one
true diet.
1. A Word* of wisdom for the benefit of the wives of the high priests, in
order that they may be comely, slim around ye hips, and have a fresh, fair &
delightsome complexion & fresh breath
["word" - see topical dictionary to see what this means, along with "a" -
in fact why don't you learn to read first?]
2. Stop eating chips, and sweets. Drink less beer, so ye may not have the
beer belly. This applies only to the womenfolk. I do not care about the
figures of the men.
3. If you drink a lot you shall become drunk, and ye shall obtaineth
cirrhosis of the liver. Therefore, tithe all your liquors & alcoholic beverages,
unto the council, that they may be sanctified by the holy. If any of you
make wine, leave some for us. Wine may be used in the sacrament, if it is
from your own vine, in direct contradiction to the mainstream teachings of the
church.
4. Strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of the body.
Beer showers are especially fun, when your wives have scant clothing thereon
themselves. All women are to do aerobics in lyotards.
5. See yer tobacco, and cigars, they're not good for you either, so
therefore brethren, hand them all over to me, but do not forget to bring cheap
ones back from your mission. You can also use tobacco as a herb for bruises
and sick cattle, but I'm not sure how, yea, that were told me by a witch
doctor in Las Vegas. The lord doesn't like cigarette breath, particularly at
bed time.
6. And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly; and ye should
understand that this includes ice tea, but excludes hot broth and gravy, because
I have said so. Beware also that ye do not have coffee breath or tea
stained teeth, this is most disgusting sometimes.
7. And yea, flesh I have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving, and
it is to be used sparingly, and only in times of famine if not tithed to
the high council's kitchen, and this shall be the verse, that no one
remembers.
8. Nevertheless, wheat for man, corn for the ox, and oats for the horse,
millet is for the pet bird, sunflower seeds for vegetarians and rye for the
fowls and swine, and all beasts of the filed, and barley for all useful
animals, and for mild drinks. Notwithstanding that in other countries, rice is
for man in China, Japan and Korea, oats are for man in Scotland, rye is for
bread in Russia, maize is also used in a number of places and cereal
companies will continue to throw all manner of whole grains into their products.
In parts of Africa, they also use all kinds of strange grains, I've never
heard of.
9 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in
obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow
to their bones; health in the navel is extremely important, don't ask me
why.
10. And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge even hidden
treasures; if they actually can in our church libraries.
11. And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint, and shall
leap high buildings with a single bound, not to mention being as fast as
speeding bullets.
12. And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel
shall probably just ignore them, if they're well behaved, as the children of
Israel, and not slay them. Amen.
This just in: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has decided to
revise their "Articles of Faith" to be in line with actual Church history and
practices.
One night as I nodded off, I dreamt of a beautiful beach, with golden sand and
blue sky, with footprints stretching away into the distance behind me...
I was travelling along the beach, and I felt God's presence beside me...
quietly, by the lapping of the sea, were we talking quietly to one another...
On the sky, flashed my life and all the things good and bad that had ever
happened to me... at every point on the way, there were four footprints... but
then I noticed that at some points, there were only two sets of prints...
"Oh God!" I said, "Why were there only two sets of footprints? Didst thou
leave me?"
"My precious child," said the voice of God, "don't you remember, at that point
that silly donkey was no longer carrying you."
You see, that saddle was so frigging hard, I had to get the hell off it and
stretch my legs every now and again!
It is my honor as the President of the recently formed �Church of Santa Claus of Latter Day elves� to announce that we will soon be able to accept tax deductible donations. While we are waiting for our 501(c)(3) status to be granted by the IRS, I thought I�d introduce our fine organization to the world via this forum of educated and enlightened individuals.
About 30 years ago or so, I had a wonderful experience that I just decided now that I would share with the world. Now, I understand that there are various versions of my story circulating out there, but never mind those, as this is the official version and I testify that it is true yea even the only true version of my story.
One cold winter�s night I was sitting in my room, confused about all the Santas that I saw in every store. How could Santa be in so many places at the same time? My young mind just couldn�t comprehend it. Surely, one of these Santas must be true. Just as I was thinking these thoughts, a red glow began to appear in my room, it got brighter and brighter until it seemed brighter than the noonday sun.
Just then I heard a voice �Rudolph, tone that light down!!� and there before me stood Santa Claus himself and his trusted Reindeer Rudolph. Rudolph with a twink of his eye and a glow of his nose turned to Santa and said: � this is my rolly polly jolly ole friend Santa Claus himself, hear ye him�. Santa turned to me, his red cheeks all a glow, reflecting Rudolph�s nose. My beloved servant Bushman, what is wanted? Well, Santa, I�m so confused, there are so many Santas around, everywhere I look, here a Santa, there a Santa everywhere a Santa Santa. MY SON, his voice boomed, hear me say this, None of these Santas are true. They draw close to me with their fake beards and pillow stomachs, but their hearts are far from me. I AM THE ONLY TRUE SANTA.
They then proceedeth to tell me that I should organize the only true church of Santa on the face of the earth. That in fact I should restore to the earth that which has died away and has only become a myth. The true spirit of Santa shall reign again under my humble direction.
I was instructed that long ago the North Pole used to be right here in Central Florida. Yes, right here in Central Florida. There was snow and shit like that everywhere. Around 400 AD a great war had occurred here between the good elves and the bad elves and that Santa and his 12 reindeer had almost been destroyed and had to flee to an undisclosed location only now to reappear and restore his church. They had buried a record of their wars and peoples in a snow pile near here in a place now known as Christmas, Florida. (Yes, look it up on map quest, Christmas, Florida is true.)
But later, when the North pole magically changed it�s location, all the ice and snow melted and this record floated to the Atlantic Ocean, but with a divining rod or if I preferred a magnetic detector set, I could probably find it somewhere on Cocoa Beach, but I�d better hurry, because this was about the same time that Major Nelson (aka Larry Hagman) was scheduled to touch down from his space fight and would find Jeannie (aka Barbra Eden) in her bottle. And when that happened there would be all kinds of weirdos looking for shit on the beach with those magnetic detectors and the record might be found by one of them instead of me, so �hurry your ass� .
Well, I found this record in no time, and it has now been translated and will be published as �The Book of Santa� or B.S. for short. This book is the most true and correct book on the face of the earth. It tells all about Santa and how many times Christmas almost didn�t happen and scary shit like that.
In Chapter three you will read about the Abominable Snowman. This great big hairy abominable snowman kidnapped young Rudolph�s girl friend Clarese and Christmas was definitely going to be destroyed that year. But Rudolph turned on his red nose and scared that Abominable Snowman right off the cliff!!
In Chapter four you learn a truth about Abominable Snowmen, previously heretofore unknown, that Abominable Snowmen bounce!! Next we read of the now reformed and truly repentant Abominable Snowman putting the star on top of really tall Christmas trees!!
Later we read of how that wicked of all wicked, yea even the grinch almost stole Christmas!! There is even two similar versions of this story one right after the other!!. One that is remarkably like Dr. Suess stories, and one more vivid account where the Grinch looks and sounds like Jim Carey. This I was told was necessary just in case someone stole the first version from me before I had finished translating, then the second story would be there so that no one would die in their sins without knowing this wonderful story. I, myself kind of like the Dr. Suess version, but I�m told the Jim Carey version will probably make more money, which is really what is important anyway, but I digress.
Anyway, this is what B.S. is all about and we�d be happy to send you a free copy. Just fill out a little card or something and mail to me here in Christmas, Florida and we�ll send two friendly elves to deliver it directly to your doorstep or if you prefer throw it down your chimney.
Now, I�d like to take moment to describe my church to you. I�m sure that you�ll want to join and everything, but you need to learn things line upon line, precept upon precept, so just keep your panties on OK? Whilst I continue telling you about my church.
OK, first of all we have two orders within our Church. When male members turn 12 they get to
enter into the order of the Elves. They get honorary pointy ears and green hats and short
green pants and of course pointy shoes to wear. Now, I guess they can wear black hats and
pants and maybe even red hats and pants, but by damn they better wear white shirts and ties
or else we�ll send them home and tell them to dress appropriately next time. Also, just
to be sure they wear a tie, each congregational leader (which I�m not sure what we�ll
call this guy yet) will be sure to have a whole bunch of ugly ass ties on the back of
his door to give to any wary young men to come without theirs.
Then�. We will have a higher order for the men when, which they get to join when they turn 18. This higher order will be called the Order of the Reindeer. Each worthy young man when he turns 18 will get his own fake antlers to where on his head. They will get to play like real reindeers and fight with their antlers and shit like that and other reindeer games while the Females watch in admiration. The winners get a new name like Prancer or Dancer or Donner or Vixen!!
Oh yea, I almost forgot, women don�t get to be elves or reindeer. And they sure as hell can�t be the last speaker in church at Christmas eve meeting as that must be reserved for a member of the order of reindeer. But� and here�s the good part, the women don�t have to wear white shirts and ties!! In fact they can wear any damn color they want as long as they don�t show any shoulder, leg above the ankle, or of course cleavage and for Claus sake, please only one Santa damn earring per ear, OK?
Also, those special young ladies (who are pretty enough) may get the honor of kissing me under the mistle toe . Now, this is kind of a secret, so don�t tell anyone, but Santa commanded that I must do it. In fact, he actually commanded that I must kiss mostly girls who are 14 to 18 years old, but I informed Santa that we now have laws against such things, so could I please stick to 18 and up? He reluctantly agreed, (after muttering something about the laws of Santa being greater than the laws of man) but only if I agreed that at least 60 percent of the young girls that I get to kiss must be married to other men. What? I asked, that�s likely to get me in a heap of trouble, why not just stick to the single ones? But he answered that Santa�s ways are greater than our ways and that we really just don�t have the ability to understand sometimes, so I�d better do it or else he�d cut off my friggin head, so�� if I start coming on to your wives and girlfriends, please realize I�m only doing it because I really have no choice, OK?
But� in the meantime, don�t hesitate to put together lots of money so that you can send it to my new church as soon as I get permission form the IRS. In fact, you really are supposed to send in around 10 percent of your gross income, but Santa hasn�t revealed that yet to me, as that will probably be revealed sometime down the road a bit, but I sure won�t be turning any of it away in the meantime.
You can get ready to send your soon to be deductible (I hope anyway, but first I have to convince the IRS that this isn�t a load of shit) donations to:
The Corporation of the President of the Church of Santa Claus of Latter Day Elves
General Post office Box
Christmas, Florida 32709
Also, the above may not be used in part or in whole without the express permission of the President of The Corporation of the President of the Church of Santa Claus of Latter Day Elves, which is me� Bushman.
A very early and Merry Brady Christmas to you all.
1. We believe in God the Eternal Father, god the eternal mother whom we are
forbidden to acknowledge publicly, and in his (not her) son Jesus Christ,
and in the Holy Ghost who is a male personage.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for
Adam's transgression. We believe that women will be punished for their own
sins as well as Eve's transgression.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind (probably
including women) will be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of
the gospel and their priesthood leaders' every word.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are
first faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, second repentance, third baptism by
immersion, fourth, the laying on of hands for the gift of the holy ghost,
and fifth, the gift of priesthood power exclusively to men now and in the
eternal worlds.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God. No women need apply.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church,
with the exception that although women held priesthood and administrative
offices then, they do not now and never will again.
7. We believe that the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions,
healings, interpretation of tongues, etc. are available only by and through
priesthood holders and not directly to any female member individually.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated
correctly. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God except
insofar as it contradicts Wasatch Front cultural traditions.
9. We believe all that God the Father has revealed and all that he does now
reveal. We do not believe that he will yet reveal any great and important
things pertaining to women and just to be sure, we will not seek such
revelation.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of
the ten tribes; that Zion has already been built in Utah County, Utah; that
Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and that the earth will be
renewed and receive its paradisacal glory wherein men will be god-like and
women will be silent, invisible and pregnant.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping God according to the dictates of
our own conscience and expect all men and women to follow our priesthood
leaders' definition of moral questions.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, magistrates,
and male priesthood leaders and in obeying, honoring and sustaining whatever
they tell us to.
13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste (every falling from chastity
is the girl's fault), benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good toward all
males. Indeed we may say the follow the admonition of Paul; we believe all
things that we have been told by the priesthood leaders, we hope all things,
we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things for
there will surely be no earthly relief. If there is anything bland, banal,
innocuous or G-rated, we seek after these things.
Little known to the body of the church, during the summer of 1990, a
hitchhiker traveling across the south west desert made a marvelous discovery
while searching for a place to bed down in a cave. Unable to sleep, the
hitchhiker began picking at a crack in the floor of the cave, and to his
dismay found only the lid to a stone box. Upon removing the lid, he discovered
a set of aluminum plates, a switchblade knife, and a pair of fuzzy dice.
In desperation for food, the hitchhiker sold the plates to an archaeologist
from BYU whom he met at a Kentucky Fried Chicken place in Shiprock, New
Mexico. The relics were reportedly sold for $100 and a bucket of the Colonel's
extra crispy with extra coleslaw and mashed potatoes.
Archaeologists have determined that the plates date from approximately 600 BC
and contain writings in reformed Egyptian, which seem to parallel the
narrative account of the first book of The Book of Mormon. It is thought that
the engravings were written by several men or by one slightly schizophrenic
man.
The Church has delayed comment until the plates can be fully translated. I am
proud to present this brief premier look at the here-to-date translated
portion of these plates.
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
DEAR DIARY;
Yes, I knew that hitchhiker. Except, the way he told it, he had to BUY
the bucket of the Colonel's extra crispy with extra coleslaw and mashed
potatoes after the so-called archeologist gave him $6 "out of kindness" and
then threatened to report the hitchhiker to the New Mexico Department of
Preservation of Antiquities, saying that a new emphasis was being placed on
insuring that petroglyphs and other ancient writings were not damaged,
altered or removed by idiot tourists (or hitchhikers). The archeologist
apparently told the hitchhiker that up to a $10,000 fine and 10 years in
jail were possible. The hitchhiker, terrified because he was on probation
for being caught smoking pot in his dormitory at Shiprock Community College,
immediately relinquished the aluminum plates, bought the meal and fled. He
later read in the Shiprock Semi-Weekly Tribune that the "archeologist" had
sold the plates to an antiquities purchaser closely associated with the LDS
church for 1.5 million dollars.
The archeologist was actually an entrepreneur who claimed he had
discovered the plates himself on a journey into the aluminum-rich Extapa
bluffs just outside of Columbia where scientists were beginning to assert
that ancient populations had learned to refine and produce aluminum flatware
during the late Cretaceous period. However, the entrepreneur's assertion
that he had found engraved aluminum plates had thrown the scientific
community into an uproar. "It's impossible," Dr. Anahias Q. Plotzberghoff
(originally from the Midwest) asserted, quite angrily, "these people were
interested in simple survival! Although the invention and use of flatware
vastly improved their ability to procure and masticate food, their fine
motor skills would not evolve to the point of ingraving ability for another
10,000 years! Obviously this uneducated person is a liar and a thief. He
probably stole them from one of the caches hidden away in New Mexico by poor
hippies in the late 60's who placed drug-induced scrawlings on flattened
license plates under rocks purportedly warning post-nuclear devastated
mutants to eat more bean sprouts."
The LDS church claimed it had nothing to do with the purchase and was
"certainly not interested in any forgeries of dubious authenticity." They
declined comment when asked about the similarities to the Mark Hofmann case.
The hitchhiker is back in California with his family. They are trying
to figure out how to get him to move out, since he says his experience in
New Mexico has soured him on humanity and education. He just sits around
drinking beer and watching TV.
From the Church Handbook of Instructions:
The Church discourages rewriting the Book of Mormon into familiar or modem English. The First Presidency has said:
"When a sacred text is translated into another language or rewritten into more familiar language, there are substantial risks that this process may introduce doctrinal errors or obscure evidence of its ancient origin. To guard against these risks, the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve give close personal supervision to the translation of scriptures from English into
other languages and have not authorized efforts to express the doctrinal content of the
Book of Mormon in familiar or modem English. (These concerns do not pertain to publications
by the Church for children, such as Book of Mormon Stories.)" (First Presidency
statement, Ensign, Apr. 1993, 74).
I think they are really afraid that if people read it in plain language, they'll realize how silly and unimpressive the content is. Using the pseudo King James English somehow makes it sound "biblical" and people give it credibility that it doesn't deserve.
We could have inscrutable engravings on jade tablets found in a remote corner of China by Xiao Su Mi, an illiterate farm boy, who ordinarily spend his time looking into a polished piece of amethyst to find buried treasures. One day, when calling upon Buddha and various shamanistic mountain gods for guidance as to whether he should join the Falon Gong, an angel named Mao Ro Nhi appears and tells him not to join Falon Gong, but that he should wait for a visitation from God himself.... Ultimately, the prophet Xiao Su Mi uses his polished amethyst to translate the jade tablets revealing an even better story than that found in the Book of Mormon and this ancient record even predicts that a prophet named Xiao Su Mi will be raised up by God in the ultra latter days to correct the failings of an adulterous and fallen prophet who will be named Joseph of the Smiths.
There are a lot of possiblities. And what can the Mormon Mishkonaries say? Can they tell us that their disappearing golden plates are better than tangible jade tablets. Can they say that the warm feelings felt by the followers of Xiao Su Mi are any less the promptings of the spirit than are the feelings of the followers of Joseph Smith?
We could "discover" new plates in the Americas that claim the Nephites lied about the whole thing, that it was actually the Lamanites who were the good guys. It could be told from Laman's point of view and start something like this:
I, LAMAN, having been aborn of a father prone to paranoid delusions and other psychotic episodes, therefore I learned early not to trust the teachings of my father: and having suffered many afflictions at the hand of my younger brother, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.
Perhaps, as the B of M begins with the story of a family leaving Jerusalem in ancient times
the "new " B of M could begin with another family leaving to get away from that stupid
(insert name of character from the B of M). The story could continue with the insinuation that
the B of M people were actually kicked out of the holy land because they were a bunch of
egyptian talking jerks. Perhaps the comedy material could be assembled into a mirror web
site. Let's say that the "new" B of M is found in Australia by the Prophet Bruce..As it is
written in pure Hebrew it is readily translated by Rabbis and scholars of ancient languages.
How about someone claiming the gift of translation and the ability to draw deeper meaning from known egyptian hyerogliphs?
Since FARMS and NIBLEY now argue that the papirii were just a catalyist for Joseph to receive the story of Abraham, why not pick randomly any known papirus and give it "new" meaning?
That would be a lot cheaper, and all the new prophet would have to do is add a promise at the end of his/her translation.
"And It came to pass that I, Amenoteph the III told the people that I was in reality the prophet of God known as Enoch, and behold, before my city was taken up to the heavens I wrote these things in the language of the Egyptians, having the apearance of a funeral scroll, but containing sacred things only a true prophet will reveal. And behold, if ye ask God if these things are true, with true intent, not doubting a bit, ye will receive a burning in the bosom so that ye may know for yourselves that they are true, that ye might oppose the forces of the devil, yeah, and all false prophets which shall rise in the last days building up temples where the devil roams flaunting his apron, yeah, and also marrying many wives, and claiming the priesthood to themselves and learning false wisdom from golden books, all of which are abominations in the sight of god and they shall be utterly destroyed"
Amen!
1. "Yea, you are descended from the stake of Joseph, and you shall be a light
unto all of that tribe, providing you keep your promises made this day, and
remain worthy to fulfill your exaltation..."
Oh Grog, the Internal Frother, we flask thee in the name of thy son,
Squeeze With Ice, to bless and sanctify this wine to the souls of all those
who drink of it, that they may do it in the bloody mary of high fun, which was spread for them; that they may witness unto glee, oh Grog, the Internal Frother, that they drink always, remembering whims,
that they may crave his spirits to be with them. Ale Men.
And there appeared a big green light, and a stink and the stink was gathered all
round him, and I said unto him, Who are you? And he said, Anos, the smelly prophet.
My word is bullshit, and you can find it under the pile in my farm, for I was just a
simple farmboy of the age of 12. And I dug and dug, and I could not find it. And the
angel returned saying I had no faith and laughed. And told me to get down to it, and
I could not find them. And he said unto me, yea, there are no plates but the
spiritual ones and you must imagine the plates or make them up. And I want you to
get all the gullible people to touch the plates of bullshit. My friends indeed
agreed it was a crap piece of writing, and that I�d hit rock bottom�
Testimony of the Three witnesses
And yea, we do declare that this work is true and not in the least way made up,
being indeed a record of the most important parts of a prophet�s life, which was hid
up in the land of Morons for safe keeping. As no other scripture seems to contain
references to this important parts of lifes [sic] of the prophet, we saw fit to make
sure there was one.
Signed.
J. Smith the younger
The Book of Anos
Wherein is set the story of the Prophet Anos� great work. Wherefore I couldst not
translate everything that was on the plates because some of the guy�s handwriting
was so bad. Therefore we had not space to scribble on the plates for our ball point
pens would not work.
1 And I, Anos having fasted for many a day for ye Lord betook myself and did behove
myself to eat a great feast at the House of Cohen.
2 And it came to pass that it was a good feast and we did hearken to the word that
was wisdom, and ate nuts, berries and meat sparingly.
3 And it came to pass that when it was time for it to pass, I couldst not pass, and
I was exceedingly vexed.
4 And then there came a long deep growl of thunder and the voice of the deep didst say.
5 Yea verily, thou didst eat strangely, and I am not happy with that; why canst I
not be intoxicated and abused like other bellies?
6 And I, Anos saith yea, it is because I am on a healthy diet.
7 And spake my tum, what no chips?
8 No chips, or anything fried for you, for they are food of the fallen one.
9 Jedediah? spake my tum,
10 Nay he is not come yet, even though he is mentioned twenty times in the preceding
three books.
11 Who beseest it then, sounds like Jedediah Smith to me.
12 The fallen one is that guy with horns, ye dumbass.
13 Who�s that?
14 Yea you know, the one all the Christians get onto us about being the brother of
Jesus? Saith I, have ye not read my discourses? And yea hast thou not read the
sixteenth book of Mordor? Yea, it has come to pass that we have strayed off the
storyline.
15 Saith I, have ye not read my discourses?
16 Nay verily, nay spake my tum, and it came to pass that my tum had spoken and my
belly had spoke and my stomach had conversed and said nay verily nay.
17 It says in the Book of Mordor that thou shalt know them by their toots and I know
indeed that thou art the belly of the evil one?
18 Who Jedediah? Only cause you don�t give me anything good to eat and starve me
every other Sunday.
19 Dost thou know it saith ye shall knows them by their toots in the Book of Modror?
Yea if one comes to pass wind like brimstone he is of the devil and if one smells of
roses he is exceedingly queer.
20 And there shall come to pass amongst there are those that are silent but deadly,
and it is these farts in stinking billy-goats� clothing ye must watch, lest ye are
caught in the elevator.
21 And after many hours, there was a rushing of wind and a great darkness fell about
all around, and yea it was black all around.
22 And it came to pass that what came to pass was exceedingly large and black even
unto a Lamanite.
23 And I, Anos was exceedingly glad to be rid of my burden by the spirit of power,
and had been released from the power of the blocked one.
24 Yea for that spirit is known among us as the Laxative.
25 And I, Anos decided to put this foul episode on my plates for no apparent reason,
and yea, ye witnesses, ye should be glad ye knew not the places I took thy plates.
To Whom It May Concern:
In early January of this year, the First Presidency announced that a revelation had been received by President Gordon B. Hinkley extending priesthood and temple blessings to all members of the Church, regardless of gender. President Hinkley has asked that I advise the conference that after he had received this revelation, which came to him after extended consultation with his marketing advisors , he presented it to his counselors, who accepted it under duress and approved it. It was then presented to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, who, after much back biting and evil speaking, unanimously approved it, and was subsequently presented to all other General Authorities, who likewise knew on which side their bread was buttered.
President Hinckley has asked that I now read this letter:
January 12, 2003
To all general and local priesthood officers of The Corporation of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints throughout the world:
Dear Brethren:
As we have witnessed the slowing expansion of the church of the Lord, we have been grateful that credulous people of both genders have responded to the message of the restored gospel, though in many parts of the world there are insufficient active, priesthood-holding men to run even a small branch. This, in turn, has inspired us with a desire to extend to every worthy member of the Church all of the privileges and blessings which the gospel affords.
Aware of the groundless personal biases of the prophets and presidents of the Church who have preceded us, yet witnessing the faithfulness of those sisters from whom the priesthood has been withheld, we have pleaded long and earnestly with the less enlightened brethren on behalf of these, our faithful sisters, spending many hours in the Upper Room of the Temple twisting arms and threatening imeritus status.
Also, the Lord has heard our prayers, and by revelation has confirmed that we have been sexist pigs and control freaks and that the long-overdue day has come when every faithful, worthy person in the Church may receive the holy priesthood, with power to exercise its divine authority, and enjoy with her loved ones every blessing that flows there-from, including the blessings of telling men what to do. Accordingly, all worthy members of the Church may be ordained to the priesthood without regard for gender or sexual orientation. Priesthood leaders are instructed to follow the policy of carefully interviewing all candidates for ordination to either the Aaronic or the Melchizedek Priesthood to insure that they meet the established standards for worthiness. Priesthood leaders are also reminded that what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is none of your business.
We declare with soberness that the Lord has now made known his will for the blessing of all his children throughout the earth who will hearken to the voice of his authorized servants, and prepare themselves to receive every blessing of the gospel.
Sincerely yours,
The First Presidency
Recognizing Gordon B. Hinckley as the prophet, seer, and chief executive officer of The Corporation of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is proposed that we as a constituent assembly accept this revelation as the word and will of the Lord. All in favor please signify by raising your right hand. Any opposed can shove it up their asses.
The vote to sustain the foregoing motion was unanimous in the affirmative.
Salt Lake City, Utah, April 5, 2003.
The Least-Beloved Disciple.
Chapter 1.
Moongrim waxes verbose about the subject concerning the
proper disposition of a member of the Church.
Greetings unto you Brethern and Cistern. I, Moongrim, have come great distances to
preach loudly and at great length to thee.
Emulate the Lord thy God, in all things.
First and foremost- Remember the Golden Rule: He that hath
gotten the Gold, shall maketh the Rules.
Thy Lord, whom hath created all the Gold in the World, doth make the
Rules.
The Rules that thy Lord hath set upon thee, and fully
expects thee to follow, are legion. Disobey not a single one!
The Church should be likened unto a cake made of wood or
stone, or some other inedible substance.�
It should be covered with a most delectable covering of icings and
decorations. For in this manner shall
the church be presented- Imago Supra Naturo.
Image over substance.For
substance is just a bit too costly.
A good member of the church shall maintain two faces.� The first is the public one, wherein all
those with the church and those without will thinketh that thou art to be
envied thy status and thy member ship in the church.� The second face shall be kept in dealings in private, of this
second face thou shall keep a section for thy family, and a section for thy
baser needs.� Such a need as thou cannot
cajole from thy wife.� Blessed is he who
has not been caught.� What so ever thee
sayest to shed responsibility shall be the truth in the eyes of the lord.� Remember that any act committed for the Church�s gain is not
a sin.� For even if in the eyes of the
secular it may be considered a sin, thou art automatically forgiven thy
trespasses. Cajole and threaten mildly the those not as blessed as thee, (not
as rich as thee),those members of the church to work for free for the
church.� For in such things the Church
shall be likened unto a Corporation, for free help does profit the church
mightily. Blessed is he who can squeeze blood from a turnip.� For such as he will go far in the church hierarchy.
If ever thou art caught with thy hands in or around the
private areas of a vulnerable member of thy church, blame he who has caught
thee. Or better yet, Blame the Victim!�
For thou art a respected member of the community, and would not have
been caught in such a compromising situation unless thee has been tricked! For those who have taken it upon themselves to make their
own decisions, thou shall make their lives most difficult! A good follower of the Lord, doth swallow what is placed
within their mouth.� For he that
thinketh for himself shall be likened unto a canker sore.� But she that thinketh for her own self shall
be likened unto a Cancer!� A canker sore
shall be berated, and tolerated.� But a
Cancer must be excised! To gain favor in the eyes of the Lord, thou must be like
unto the following: Thou shalt put forth an air of wounded innocence when a
non-believer chooses to not listen to thy testimony.� Yea, thine airs shall be likened unto a freshly kicked puppy. Thou shalt use the guilt trip mightily when dealing with
those of your own faith, and especially so with those who are not.� For blessed is he who does work mightily in the acquisition
of material things.� For he that does
well in the church and can show them off, works mighty good press for the
church. Your God did have a reason for making Lawyers, the reason
was to make leeches look better by comparison.�
Yea, even for those that doth experiment with animals, God did create
Lawyers for the opportunity of these experimenters to not grow attached to
them, as they would with rats. Keepeth thine Nose Out of Joint when dealing with all who
art not of the true faith.� Thou shalt
patronize them, and work day and night to taketh away their rights! For it is
thine duty to harass and cajole the folks whomsoever hath not made a true and
wise decision and hath decided to worship God in a proper fashion.� Indeed, for the Lord doth gain a mighty grin
when so ever a true believer doth rain down many types� of vandalism upon the unrepentant sinner.� Be sure to exercise thine arms and cause no
small number of avian ovum to be cast upon the personal carts of those who be
naughty in thy sight.� Never shirk thy
duty to waken the sinner from a good nights sleep with threats of bodily harm. Cursed be he that has decided to leave the church of his own
volition.� Despite the torments thou
hast set up to harass him for such a foolish decision, he continues to not
return to the fold, Him thou shall Snub!�
Yea Verily!� Him thou shall
ignore even unto the end of days, and beyond!�
Avert thy head is thee beholdeth him in thy sight.� Stop thy conversations when ever thou canst
not avoid him.� Speak not in their
presence. Thou shalt engage in back biting with this silly one.� Thou must find numerous ways to make him
regret his foolish decision. Smirk ye mightily, when a sinner doth make a foolish
decision, but smiteth those who dare to screw up their faces when thou art
tripped by the evil one.� The Lord loves a martyr, especially one who willingly
carries the mantle of the True Faith upon his shoulders his entire life.� Let me continue with words of advice to the women. God has a sense of humor, for has he not created men? He who
can only have but three or four orgasms in his quest to satisfy his lady? I say unto thee: The Lord Delights in a woman whose sense of
humor is smaller and harder to find than her clitoris.� Indeed, despite the fact that all females
shall be compared unto a preacher�s daughter, they should all be as exciting as
the liquid that thou bathes thine crockery in. �Blessed is she whose
personality can be compared to the taste and flavor of packing peanuts. Blessed
indeed is the maiden who can leave behind a trail of broken hearts and
shattered dreams a mile wide!� If a
maiden missteps and giveth herself up to some foolish swain, then it is her
duty to insure that she shall be considered as being less fun than a barrel
full of dead monkeys.� It is your duty to make yourselves look like a great prize
for men to look upon and desire thee for a wife.� Thou should be reckoned likened unto a caring mother, not unlike
a she bear, by all men folk.� But in
truth thou should be more like unto a Preying Mantis! Thy lord thine God hath
given men two brains, but only enough blood to flow in his veins to service one
of them at a time.� Thou must make him
pay for his presumption concerning thee. For are there not but three rings of
marriage?� Firstly, is the Engagement
Ring, Secondly cometh the Wedding Ring, Third and most important is the
Suffering! Suffering on behalf of your mate.�
Thee must spin thy webs and capture he who is foolish enough to fall in
love with thee. For is not the Black Widow Spider blessed enough to have all
that she needs taken from her mate? Men have but one purpose, and that is to
suffer mightily in the pursuit of what so ever his spouse feels is necessary
for her well being.� Settle not for any
young male whose heart thee has stolen, instead find one who has much in the
way of goods and resources.� For these
resources are not rightfully his, but belongeth to thee.� The eyes of the Law sayeth that thou must
marry this fool in order for thee to rightfully obtain thy goods. So be
it!� Be crafty and cunning and
patient.� Eventually thou shall get what
is coming to you in full measure. It is said that The Lord delights in the Chastity of women.
I say unto thee, a proper woman of the church, should be reckoned like unto a
Vestal Virgin by her husband! For indeed, The Lord delights in a woman who does
not give it up without a great fight!�
For it is meet in the eyes of the Lord for men to walketh around with
their family jewels giving off a bluish shine! It is thine duty to point out
thine husbands faults, which are legion, to him at every chance. When thou lies down with thy proper husband, after a
suitable amount of begging and services be obtained from him, be thou sure that
thou not open thine eyes during the act of conjoining- for it is a great evil
for a woman to see what funny faces her husband makes.� Whatsoever a woman doth cast her eyesight
upon her male during the act of baby making, she shall be afflicted with a
mighty case of the giggles. Verily, make doubly sure that thou dost not moveth
a single muscle during The Act.� For thy
lord thy God hast set up the physical joining to be a laborious and thankless
task on behalf of the men.� For it is
meet in the Eyes of the Lord that since Thy Lord Thy God in heaven not get any
enjoyment from his many wives, none of his sons should get any from
theirs.� As above, so below.� A good and proper wife shall maintain
herself in such a manner to make other men think that thine husband got the
better deal. I say now unto the Men a few words of wisdom. For God has a sense of humor, for has he not created
women?� She who is so obnoxious, that
she is able to enjoy countless orgasms in a row?� Leaving thine own ability behind in the dust? I have been asked, How doth one divineth if a female faketh
her orgasm?� I say unto thee, if thou
art close enough to observe such phenomena, it matters not a whit. The Lord
doth have a reason for giving woman, that greatest of baby making machine, so
large a brain.� The reason hath slipped
the mind of thy Lord at this time, and it shall be revealed in the fullness of
time. I saith unto thee the words of Oxy-Moroni: A woman shall be equal to Her
husband, here and in the afterlife.�
Assuming that her husband shall also be a baby making machine, here and
in the afterlife.� Be thou careful when
dealing with the fairer sex, for they shall suck the very life force out of
you.� Blame them not for this condition,
for the Lord thy God has created them for this purpose. If a man amongst you can be described as being Arrogant,
Pompous, Deceitful, Self-Centered, Money Grubbing, Misogynistic, and Slippery
as an Eel when dealing with others: I say unto you- Hurray!� For he hath the makings of a Profit
Early in the Spring of 2001, my mind was greatly exercised concerning the
status of our Heavenly Mother, the welfare of my soul, and the fate of
online file sharing. So violent was the war of words over the female divine and
the tumult of opinions on whether Napster infringes copyrights, that it was
impossible for me to know who was right and who was wrong. At length, I
determined to ask of God. In the midst of all my anxieties, I logged on to
Napster and added the username "God" to my hotlist. No sooner had I done
so than I discovered that God was online. Having never before made the
attempt to chat with God, I first essayed to browse His files. Thick darkness
gathered around me. I felt a great sense of foreboding and doom regarding
online music sharing: Napster had blocked all of God's shared files. But
exerting all my efforts, I right-clicked God's username and sent a fervent
Instant Message heavenward. True to form, God kept me waiting a long time.
Nevertheless, as you read this conversation, think of the implications. It
solves the problem of evil. It answers the question of how God came to be
God. It shows that God uses bad spelling and grammar, confirming the
divinity of latter-day scripture, which also uses these ancient rhetorical forms.
It comes close to confirming or disconfirming the existence of a Mother or
Mothers in Heaven. And, most importantly, it shows God's approval of
online file sharing: He signs on to Napster without an alias.
On Napster, at least, we are not alone. So, watch what you surf for,
because Someone Else is watching, and recording all your downloads on the great
CD-ROM of Life. And God is not mocked - on Judgment Day, they WILL be
played.
I bear my solemn witness that, I did, in fact, Instant Message "God", and
he or she did, in fact, answer me. And though I may be persecuted for so
saying, though the pious may rage and say that there are no such things as online
chats with God today, and though I may have fabricated a few details of my
story here and there; nevertheless, I did chat with God, and this chat is
faithfully reported below. I know it, God knows it, and if worse comes to
worse, I will deny it. And, if any you desire to know the truth of these
things, ponder them in your heart - and Instant Message God yourself.
onandagus: Hi God, remember me, your greatest creation?
[long pause]
god: Nope.
onandagus: I'm sorry to disturb you. I mean, I know you have a Universe
to run and all.
[long pause]
onandagus: Don't you listen to my prayers?
[very long pause]
god: Nope.
onandagus: So, are You a man or a woman?
[no reply]
onandagus: No wonder there is so much suffering in the world. God is too
busy downloading songs to listen to his poor creations.
god: It takes time to figure that one out.
onandagus: So, how did you settle on the name "God"?
god: Before all was done, I stole it from my brothers.
onandagus: God has brothers! Wow - and a son, right? No daughters?
god: I suppose you did your mythology home work. Many sons and daughters.
onandagus: Oh, the old thing about Jesus as your only begotten is just
tripe, eh? So which religion is true?
[pause]
onandagus: With all those kids, are you married? or a single parent? or a
polygamist? or . . . ?
[very long pause]
onandagus: Do you like the song "What If God Smoked Cannabis?"
[another very long pause]
onandagus: You're probably off fighting Satan, slow roasting sinners, or
banishing Titans, so if you don't have time to answer right now, I'll
understand. As compensation, I'd settle for a front row seat in the
afterlife. And there was silence in heaven for the space of about half an hour.
Then, God logged off
Recent examinations of documents in Granda Pratt's, and ehem other text and artifacts has revealed a document detailing the voyage of Lehi to an unknown Southern Continent, probably Antarctica, on his way to the Western Hemisphere. This bit is left out of the Book of Mormon but the text clearly details that the land contained many cities namely "Brisbaniah, Sidnihah, Pertia, Alicia, and yea even Canberihah".
This trip may have had a greater effect on the history of the Saints than previously thought. Lehi in particular seems to have started his journey because of strange traveler's tales of a people who went "Ualcabout". This "Ualcabout" seems to have inspired Joseph Smith to take his people on the long journey to Zion. "Ualcabout" appears to have been an old Arabic term meaning "to wander in search of holy truth".
There is also evidence in the lost portion of Ether of this mysterious land, and an unknown weapon known as a "bumerim"...
"And the Lord said that the sword should be wood unto a tree and tight unto a dish and slightly bent in the middle, and have no hilt...
"And the half-brother of Oddli-Familiah-Soundin didst disobey the Lord and threw the bumerim, and there was great consternation.
"But yea, the bumerim didst come back and smite him and kill him and execute him and decapitate him [note clear chiasmus in this piece]... and there was much rejoicing in the land on account of the punishment of his naughtiness."
Not only did Jesus appear to the people of the Western Hemisphere but this land as well, and the apostle Bruce did baptise many.
"And he baptised them saying, yea come unto the billabong of righteousness...
"Consider the wombats, how they burrow big holes and wobble along. Consider the Koalas, how they hug the gum trees. You too should be huggers of God after them. Consider the Cureleroos, how they hop, so too should you jump for joy at the good news of the gospel...
"And yea, they did come to the cities of Melibornihah and Adaladiah and they found that they were in a great war with the people of Sidnihah and Brisbanihah..
"And the apostle Bruce said unto them, Sheilas and Nephis, come unto the Lord for there has been a lot of naughtiness in this land this day. Yea come even unto the Lord, and she'll be right mate. And yea afterwards didst they have a bloody great piss up and barbie afterwards..."
There is another piece believed to refer to this land (sometimes refered to as Astralehah) talking of the robber Ned, of the tribe of Kelhi...
"And there was one among the people of the name of Ned of the tribe of Kelhi, and he didst cause much consternation and he had many secret combinations.
"And yea, it came to pass that the righteous didst rail against Ned of Kelhi on account of the secret combinations, for when we tried to open the things that were called safe, we could not...**
"And yea, it came to pass that Ned of the tribe of Kelhi, didst put a water carrier of metal on his head, and yea it came to pass that there was a hole in it for him to peep through, and this did cause much perturbation...
"But it came to pass that after the end of many years, that Ned was killed by a metal arrow in a nasty fight."
** This may be some early representation of some kind of security device used for keeping money in.
1. Verily I say unto you, It is wisdom in me that my servant, Heavenly Fodder
receive all the monies in the land round about and crown himself King of Israel,
for none shall stay his hand.
2. Let mine handmaids administer to his needs, even
with a sacred washing of his loins, for it is his, uh hem, my delight. If any
shall stay her hand, they shall whither as the privy of Laban as he descended
into the cold waters of Sheoul.
3. Take heed to my words, which are like unto the
rushing of many waters, fear not little flock, I come quickly.
4. The day of the
Gentiles is at hand, the flies shall eat their flesh and their eyes from their
sockets, they shall be like unto that which exiteth the Curlemom and beginneth
to stink.
5. Be diligent in your washings and annointings, but take heed and adorn
your tabernacle with the shield cloth, lest any touch the unclean thing and
suffer the wrath of the damned where the worm dieth not.
6. If there be any errors
in mine revelations, they are of man, and the folly be upon your head
forvermore. 7. My servants are heretofore commanded to bring forth seed with the
maidservants I have given them, and if they do this, a crown of riches, gold,
cattle and maidservants an hundredfold will be theirs in the mansions of my
Father. 8. They will curse their enemies with a scab of everlasting darkness, and
trample them beneath their feet saith the Lord of hosts. Mine enemies shall
tremble, weep, howl, and wail and gnash upon each other with their teeth and
rend their loincloths, and all this for the establishment of Zion, that my
people may be one, and that my banners may stand as an ensign, terrible, to
strike fear in the hearts of the weary and weak.
1. Thou shalt not tempt thine enemies with false witness, sayeth the Lord of Hosts.
For mine anger is upon mine enemies and will visit them hitherto with a
destruction of desolation, lest a whole nation shall dwindle and perish in
unbelief. 2. To my servants in the church from this chosen valley to the four
corners of the flat earth shall come my voice and all shall proclaim: yea, and I
will make their days fruitful unto them who do not mix their seed with the seed
of Cain, who slayeth his brother and maketh secret combinations with Satan, that
devil who is the father of all lies. 3. For their flat nose and dark skin is a
curse unto them and it is my loving will that the penalty for mine elect who
mixeth their seed with the seed of cain be death on the spot. 4. Behold, tho this
may seemeth harsh, it is expedient unto me, as it was in the days of Joshua, to whom
I commanded to smite by the sword every man, woman and child in scores of
cities, that he would have fun and rejoicing in his holy slaughter. 5. And most of
all, verily, verily, Is my will that all know that my servant Brigham is actually
a good lookin' sonofabitch, even though he looketh as though he is constantly
constipated. 6. Let this be always so, for I come quickly, amen.
And verily the word of the Lord didst commeth unto the above signed
prophet in the era of President Bush. And verrilty the lord didsteth sayeth
unto-eth me: "Testing, Testing, is this ok?" And lo! I replied "speaketh
unto me Lord for I am here........just let me get a pen....."
"Ok you ready now. Right, further to your prayer 153 dated 05/08/01
requesting insights into the divine, um.....oh hell where is it, yes, ok, I
here by notify you that I am resigning as God and wish my replacement all
the best in the position of being God and Grand Dark Ancient Knight
Dragon.......ok you can use this now and can you edit out the 'o hell'?"
> "Verrily the lord haveth spaketh, so sayeth the lordeth!" And the prophet
Direzerrubal did type up the thing and post it on the Internet for the
minions of the earth to peruse.
'Awright, awright, let's 'ave bit o' shush! It seems that some traitorous
mongrel 'as been tellin' the newspapers that us Mormons are still marryin' more
than one sheila to the same bloke. An' furthermore, this bludger reckons that us
leaders are tellin' everyone it's ridgy-didge.
1. I believe the things we
attribute to supernatural powers are, in reality, our own unrecognized
abilities.
2. I believe that humans will suffer the natural consequences of their
actions, unless they discover a way around it.
3. I believe that through our own wits we can save ourselves a lot of grief.
4. I believe that the first principles of humanity are: take care of yourself
but don't take yourself too seriously; take care of everyone else; don't dish
out what you can't take; don't sh#t where you eat; don't believe everything you
hear; measure twice, cut once.
5. I believe that humans must find their own callings, the things that make
their lives and the lives of others fulfilling.
6. I believe in organizing ourselves in any way we see fit.
7. I believe in the gifts of love, empathy, bravery, truth, beauty and so
forth.
8. I believe in the power of books and the knowledge and truth they may
contain.
9. I believe in the usefulness of all I have learned, all that I'm currently
learning, and I believe that I will yet learn many great and important things
about to life.
10. I believe in gathering together, literally or virtually, with interesting
people.
11. I claim the right believe or disbelieve anything I choose and try to let
all others do the same.
12. I believe in obeying the law and trying to change it when I think it's
wrong.
13. I believe in being honest, true, benevolent, knowledgeable, and in doing
good to all people; indeed, I may say that I try to follow the admonition of
Paul Carlson* � Don't be an a##hole. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or
of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things and try not to mess
them up.
When in the Course of morg events, it becomes necessary
for apostates to dissolve the religious bands which have connected them with
morgbots, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal
station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent
respect to the opinions of nevermo gentiles requires that they should declare
the causes which impel them to the separation.
De Family, dig dis: A Proclamashun t'de Wo'ld De Fust Presidency and
Council uh de Twelve Apostles uh De Church uh Jesus Christ uh Latter-day
Saints We, de Fust Presidency and da damn Council uh de Twelve Apostles
uh De Church uh Jesus Christ uh Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim dat
marriage between some man and some honky chick be o'dained uh God and dat da
damn family be central t'de Creato''s plan fo' de eternal destiny uh His
children. 'S coo', bro. All human bein's�male and dudette�are created in
de image uh God. Each be a beloved spirit son o' daughta' of heavenly parents,
and, as such, each gots a divine nature and destiny. Slap mah fro! Genda' is an
essential characteristic uh individual premo'tal, mo'tal, and eternal identity
and purpose. In de premo'tal realm, spirit sons and daughters knowed and
wo'shiped God as deir Eternal Big Daddy and accepted His plan by which His
children could obtain some physical body and gain eardly 'espuh'ience t'progress
toward puh'fecshun and ultimately realize his o' ha' divine destiny as an heir
uh eternal life. De divine plan uh happiness enables family relashunships t'be
puh'petuated beyond da damn grave. Sacred o'dinances and covenants available in
holy temples make it possible fo' individuals t'return t'de presence uh God and
fo' families t'be united eternally. Slap mah fro! De fust commandment dat
God gave t'Adam and Eve puh'tained t'deir potential fo' parendood as husband and
mama. We declare dat God's commandment fo' His children t'multiply and replenish
de eard remains in fo'ce. We furda' declare dat God gots commanded dat da damn
sacred powers uh procreashun is t'be employed only between joker and honky
chick, lawfully wedded as husband and mama. We declare da damn means by
which mo'tal life be created t'be divinely appointed. We affirm de sanctity uh
life and uh its impo'tance in God's eternal plan. 'S coo', bro. Husband
and mama gots some solemn responsibility t'love and care fo' each oda' and fo'
deir children. 'S coo', bro. "Children is an heritage uh de Lo'd" (Psalms
127:3). Parents gots some sacred duty t'rear deir children in love and
righteousness, t'provide fo' deir physical and spiritual needs, t'teach dem
t'love and serve one anoder, t'observe da damn commandments uh God and t'be
law-abidin' citizens whereva' dey live. Husbands and wives�moders and
faders�gots'ta be held accountable befo'e God fo' de discharge uh dese
obligashuns. De family be o'dained uh God. Marriage between joker and
honky chick be essential t'His eternal plan. 'S coo', bro. Children is entitled
t'bird widin de bonds uh matrimony, and t'be reared by some Big Daddy and some
moda' who hono' marital vows wid complete fidelity. Slap mah fro! Happiness in
family life be most likesly t'be achieved when founded downon de teachin's uh de
Lo'd Jesus Christ. Man! Successful marriages and families is established and
maintained on principles uh faid, prayer, repentance, fo'giveness, respect,
love, compassion, wo'k, and wholesome recreashunal activities. By divine design,
faders is to preside upside deir families in love and righteousness and is
responsible t'provide da damn necessities uh life and protecshun fo' deir
families. Moders is primarily responsible fo' de nurture uh deir children. 'S
coo', bro. In dese sacred responsibilities, faders and moders is obligated
t'help one anoda' as equal partners. Disability, dead, o' oda' circumstances may
necessitate individual adaptashun. Extended families should lend suppo't when
needed. We warn dat individuals who violate covenants uh chastity, who
abuse spouse o' offsprin', o' who fail t'fulfill family responsibilities gots'ta
one day stand accountable befo'e God. Furder, we warn dat da damn disintegrashun
uh de family gots'ta brin' downon individuals, communities, and nashuns de
calamities fo'etold by ancient and modern prophets. We call downon
responsible citizens and officers uh guv'ment everywhere t'promote dose measho'
mans designed t'maintain and strengden de family as de fundamental unit uh
society. Slap mah fro! Dis proclamashun wuz eyeball by Super-dude Go'don
B. Hinckley as part uh his message at da damn General Relief Society Meetin'
held Septemba' 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah. Lop some boogie.
I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, ( The use of
"I and Nephi" are redundant. The book is named after "Nephi" and is
listed on the top of the page and of course If it's his book then
we know that he wrote it. So no need to use the word "I". We can
omit the word born since he is talking about his parents we must
assume that he was born. Finally, the word goodly needs to
be more specific. Goodly is defined as handsome, pleasant or of
considerable size. Not knowing exactly what Joe ment, I think that
it would be best to tie together all three of the definitions.)
Therefore, the new inspired text should read as follows:
(LOT)- L. O. Him translation
"My parents were good looking, jovial fat people."
I now make and end to this writing but
will continue again on the morrow. Where the Hell's my hat and peep
stone.
1- We believe that Adam is God the Father, and that Jesus
Christ gained his exaltation as a man on another world, and
was born again into this world to bring about the atonement.
2- We believe that all men will be punished for their own sins
except for black people who are punished for the sins of
Cain who died thousands of years ago.
3- We believe that through temple ordinances, all mankind
may be saved, and that anyone who does not have an LDS
baptism will be damned.
4- We believe that the fundamental principles of the gospel
are polygamy, multiple mortal probations, Adam-God
doctrine, and blood atonement.
5- We believe that John D. Lee has been called of God by
proper priesthood authority to preach the gospel
of blood atonement to a group of Missouri wildcats.
6- We believe in organizing ourselves into cities with
broad straight streets.
7- We believe in prophecying the death and destruction
of america, and in seeing visions about the end of the
world.
8- We believe the scriptures to be the word of God,
we also beleive the Journal of Discourses to be the
word of God as long as the reporters don't misquote.
9- We believe all that the prophet Joseph has revealed,
all that the prophet Brigham does now reveal, and we
believe that at some future day, the prophet will misquote
Brigham's words in a Sunday School manual in order
to get better media coverage.
10- We believe that every saint should leave their home
and gather to zion with the rest of the saints, and that the
day will come when the saints will be told to stay wherever
they happen to be when they join the church.
11- We believe in worshipping God as we see fit, and
the federally appointed governor can go to hell.
12- We believe in burning the supply wagons of the
federal army, and in killing their cattle, and in running
off their horses, and in burning the prairie for miles
around wherever the army happens to be.
13- We believe in being sneaky, silent, and bold in
dealing with the approaching army, indeed, we may
say we follow the admonition of Paul Revere, "The
army is coming, the army is coming!" If there is
anything flamable, or that burns really good, or that
looks like it would, we believe in stuffing it into
our houses.
I was having an out of body experience the other
day so I grounded myself, and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and
almost astral traveled anyway, but the phone rang, I sensed negative vibrations
so threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart and nearly had a primal
scream, but my energy was too blocked,� ... so I did some bioenergetics and self
parenting, took some flower essence and ate an organic oat bran ginseng
muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet, ... so I had a Rice
Dream Frozen Pie too, but that made me hyper��... so I did the relaxation
response while listening to my subliminal tapes, but I was feeling
depersonalized, ... so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology and past life
regression, then rebirthed myself and called Moon Beam, the bodyworker, to make
an appointment for a Shiatsu, Reiki, Rolfing, Feldenkreis, Swedish, Japanese,
deep tissue massage, and laying on of hands but she flaked out and never
returned my call, ... so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive
imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space
feel invaded, so to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart
Love around the issue of my assertiveness, ... so I could feel my radiance and
have some energy for my psycho-calisthenics and inversion swing before my
harmonic brain-wave synergy session, which made me more focused for my
actualization� seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, ... so I'd be
more clear for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Reikian Jungian
Freudian Ericksonian session at the hot springs but my aura was weak for my
trance-channeling group, ... so I fasted and prayed until noon to recharge my
chakras and sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, ... so I
turned on my ion generator to open up for my neuralinguistic programming
session, but I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided
Synchronicity meditation, ... so I got some cranio-sacral therapy, which aligned
me for the fire walk, which was between my tarot card reading and my sensory
deprivation tank appointment, but after all that I felt what I truly needed was
a meaningful relationship to mirror myself, ... so I went to my personal shaman,
and then to my guru,� but they were both out on retreats, ... so instead I went
to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find
someone who really knew what was going on, but they were so busy they barely had
time to know what was going on with themselves, ... so I locked myself in a
calcium coated Orgone Box and went to sleep� ... so I could "get it" in the
dream state.
Finally getting it, I recognized the "guru" in myself and
developed my own organized religion! It's been cash and glory ever since.�
July 10, 1825
This really sucks. I wanted a new dress for my 21st birthday and instead I
get this lame diary. Dad says no dress in the universe will hide my gangly
form and I should be happy I have a brain cause otherwise I'd have no hope
of ever marrying. He is such a butthead. I hope the mule does a doo doo on
his shoes next time he's behind the plow.
November 13, 1825
Well, mom is taking in boarders again. Woo hoo. Another pack of travelling
freaks to cook for...... jeeeesh, why can't I have a normal life like all
the other girls in the territory....no! I have to live here with the Duke
and Duchess of lameness. When will I ever get a life?
November 25, 1825
Ohmygod....the coolest guy showed up here the other night with his dad.
Well....he's sort of cool, at least.....except that he has a limp. And a
bad nose. But if you squint at him and look through your eyelashes he isn't
THAT grotesque....only it's really lame that he is named after his dad...I
mean, how borgeouis can you get? His name is Joey and I can tell from the
way he looks at me that he wants me bad. I am sure he has been standing
outside my bedroom door at night......I can hear funny wackety wack noises
when I am laying in my bed...I think it is Joey playing with something
outside of my bedroom door.....I wonder what that is?
November 30, 1825
Okay...now dad is majorly pissed. He says that Joey and his dad are money
digging chowder heads and he wants them 'the hell outta his house'. Dad
says Joey's an idiot who talks nothing but cowdung. Joey told Dad he knows
where there is buried treasure. 'Oh, sure you do, Joey.....' Dad replied.
"So tell me.....just how much buffalo chip did you smoke out there on the
road?'' It just bloody figures.....I find the man of my dreams and dad
hates his guts.....my life really sucks. Dad says Joe is a pansy but I
don't think Joey is into gardening all that much....although he really likes
to dig in the dirt. Dad also says that Joe is a chronic masturbator......I
think that has something to do with a plow attatchment....
January 3, 1826
So much for all of us getting rich on Joe's buried treasure. After months
of running around with these stupid glasses on nothing ever turned up and
now Dad is out for Joe's ass. Last night Joe and I went for a walk to the
barn and he told me I have 'the power'. I have no idea what that means but
I think he decided I have the power after he slipped me the tongue. God, he
has the worst breath.....and what a lizard tongue. Oh well, a girl can't be
choosy in these parts...it's either Joe or old toothless cousin Josiah........
February 14, 1826
Dear Diary
Last night Joey told me about his visions. At first I thought he was
kidding and I laughed like a hyena....he didn't appreciate that much. He
says that he has seen angels and God. I'm not sure if I buy it but if
marrying him will get me the heck outta this hell hole I am all for it.
Besides...his nose is huge and mom says that's a good thing, although I have
no idea why. Dad says Joey's visions are the result of smoking too much
horseshit....Dad just has no imagination. Mom says Joe looks like a retard
when he puts that hat over his face and starts swaying and
chanting.......David says that he would love to shove Joe's stones where
they'd really glow in the dark.
March 16, 1826
Damn it all to hell anyways. Joey went and got his ass arrested......I told
him not to tell that stupid story about his magic stones. Sometimes he is
such an idiot!!! I swear to God he has the IQ of an Idaho potato. There is
no way on God's green earth Dad is ever gonna allow me to marry him now....I
mean, he's a convicted criminal for God's sake!!! I hate my life. Dad has
banned Joey from the house and so I must sneak out to the barn to see
him....freezing my ass off the entire time. The other day my brothers saw
Joey sneaking around the barn and beat the crap outta him for it. And I
thought his nose was huge before...now that David has had a go at Joe's nose
it looks like Mount Rushmore. Like I really needed my shithead brothers to
make him any uglier than he already is. On top of that, David says he fixed
Joe's magic stones once and for all. I don't know what he means by that but
I have noticed that Joe has been walking kinda funny the last couple of days.
June 20, 1826
Joey asked dad for my hand in marriage tonight...for the millionth time.
Dad laughed like a madman and said 'oh yeah, sure kid....you can have my
daughter when an angel comes down and tells me so'....Joey said 'that can be
arranged' and I thought my Dad was gonna put his boot up Joey's butt. Joey
got outta there pretty damned fast when he saw my dad go for the fire poker.
Joey was running outta the yard and Dad was waving that red hot poker in the
air and screaming 'You come back here you pimply faced creep and I'll ram
this right up your ass...' I guess Dad won't be giving me away at the
wedding.
September 20, 1826
I am going to throw myself under the plow. Joey left for home.
Ohmygod...my life is so over. I hate my Dad....he has doomed me to the fate
of being a gangly virgin for the rest of my life. I am going to put
chickenshit in his coffee.
January 18, 1827
Joey and I eloped today. I am in sooooooo much trouble at home it's not
even funny. It wasn't like we PLANNED it or anything.....he just showed up
and we made out for a while and then he said 'hey, let's get married' and I
said 'hey, it's you or lousy second cousin Josiah and his toothless drooly
kisses' and we rode off and did it. Of course, there is absolutely no
freaking way I can ever show my face at home again so we are heading off to
Palmyra where Joey's mom lives. He says I'll like his mom but I have heard
she is loony beyond belief. Oh well, I guess we'll have to wait and see.
February 13, 1827
Oh yeah....it's official. I've married into a family of freaks. Between
Joe's visions, and Mother Lucy's speaking in tongues it's like Dante's
inferno around here. Last night Joe went off to dig in some freaking hill
for golden pages and left me here with the munsters. My dad was soooooo
right. What the hell have I got myself into?
PS Did I mention that Joey is a three minute man? And so much for my
mother's theory about the size of his nose.
September 20, 1827
Yup....Joey has lost his freaking mind. Last night he took me out into the
woods to bury some golden plates....not that I saw them. Oh no.....I am not
holy enough to see his stupid shit plates. He left me in the wagon for two
freaking hours while he looked for a hiding place for them. Mother Lucy was
pissed off beyond all recognition of reality when we finally got home. The
hon.
November 18, 1827
Joey has me writing down whatever the hell it is that he is translating off
those plates. God, what a lot of bullshit is spilling out of his mouth
these days. Now he is saying he is a 'Prophet' and called by God. Called
by God to be a major ass wipe if you ask me. That's okay, you wouldn't
believe the job I'm doing on his translation.....a little embellishment
here, a little embellishment there.....this book of his is gonna be such a
farce when it's finally done. I'll show him not to mess with me. I am
Emma, here me roar.
March 16, 1828
My name is Emma. I am a hag with fat ankles.
March 17, 1828
I didn't write that last entry. Joe's latest loser friend Oliver has been
snooping around our house and he found my diary....he was probably looking
for a pair of Joe's underwear to sniff.....sicko.
May 17, 1829
Oh suuuuure......I am not good enough to look at his stupid plates but Ollie
and David can see them!!! Joe is such a spineless jerk. And now Joey is
telling me I have to be nice to him cause he 'just can't translate when
we've shared harsh words....' Oh yeah? How bout a harsh wheel spoke up your
ass, Joe? I am so sick of this starving prophet crap that I could just
scream.....now the neighborhood bimbos have started hanging around the
house....'Oh, Joe, you are so spiritual, .....you are so in touch with
God......Joe, can I be your scribe, can I please?' I wonder if they'd love
his ass so much if they had to scrub the skid marks outta his stupid
underwear. Yes, you little farm nymphs, the Prophet of God leaves skidmarks
in his underwear....how's that for a revelation????
to be continued........
Last week, as I was perusing an old Geology text from college, I found a
few paragraphs scribbled on the inside back cover. The language was clearly
none other than -- you guessed it -- Reformed Egyptian. I dug a seerstone
out of the garden, scrubbed it clean, and went to work on translation. And
now I will share with you what was revealed; if there are mistakes, blame
the rock.
Being a record of Corianton's little-known brother, which record was tossed
aside by the hand of Mormon to be revealed in the latter days.
CHAPTER I
1. I, Dorkus Dinkumr, having seen the great chastisement that my brother
Corianton received at the hand of our father Alma, and having been myself a
disobedient and promiscuous son, did flee the land of Zarahemla to escape
similar reproach.
2. And it came to pass that in my haste I did forget to pack a lunch.
Therefore, growing weary from hunger after a journey of many hours, I lay
upon the ground to gripe and moan. As I lay thus, a mighty voice spoke to me
as if from Heaven, saying, "Behold, Dorkus, I show unto you a grand secret,
yea, even Victoria's Secret."
3. And suddenly, I stood among many young women of diverse descent, the
seed of Cain mingled with the seed of his brethren. Each was clad in minimal
attire, enchanting floral prints and fine mesh that obscured their hidden
parts from mine eyes (but just barely).
4. One of these beings approached me, and as she drew near I could
discern her full, pursed lips and hair as the night. And she spake unto me
thus: "I, Laetitia, am a divine messenger sent unto thee from on high to
reveal the will of thy Creator."
5. So saying, this Laetitia took my hand, leading me into a deep thicket
of brush nearby. And the remainder of the vision have I been commanded not
to write.
6. And now, brethren, adieu, which being interpreted means "goodbye" in
the language of the messenger Laetitia, this having been revealed to me,
among other things, in vision.
Translated through the inspiration of the Wiser Bud.
(Similar to the Mormon version of the Holy Ghost)
2001
This is the full new version that describes Jesus' wife (the prostitute)
Mary Magdelene
appearing to the Khorikrumpters of Africa. They have been regaled with
unicorns and pre-Columbian computers that can no longer be found to have
existed. Yet if you pray about it, lo' and behold, you will get a feeling
that cannot be described. It will happen only if you sincerely ask if it is
true. And you will know of a certainty that the Book of Khorikrumpter is
Mary's message of her advent among the nations of the Noridians of Crapash.
CHAPTER I
1. There was much opposition in those days as the Khorikrumpters were in
dispute among themselves. Gragrump (so named by his mother) held to the
wishes of the Lard. The Lard spake unto him and said, "Gragrump, speak unto
those Hemlites that the Lard will bring upon them harses that will lay waste
to their intentions against thee."
2. Gragrump, heeding humbly, and in submission to the Lard, sent forth
his armies of harses and internet technology against the Hemlites. It was
given by the Lard, unto Gragrump, because of his exceeding righteousness in
the eyes of the Lard, that he would win an easy victory over the Hemlites.
3. A call was issued forth from Gragrump to his army of men with
computers and unicorns to destroy the Hemlites. And the Lard spake unto him
many things which cannot be written or revealed. According to the faith of
Gragrump, the army of the Hemlites was destroyed by the power of the Lard.
4. The pain of the Hemlites was now exceedingly great and they humbled
themselves before the Lard. And they, in those days, no longer took upon
themselves the ways of Krotkrutch. They turned themselves, instead, unto the
ways of the Lard.
5. Krotkrutch, the leader of the Hemlites, felt his own iniquity before
the Lard, and commanded his peoples, numbering in the billions with their
computers, to hearken unto the Lard. And the Hemlites, seeing the humility
of Krotkrutch before the Lard, they obeyed him and hearkened unto the Lard
once again, having redeemed themselves from their iniquities. And the
Hemlites grew and prospered among the nations of Africa. They grew unto a
might nation beyond the borders of the small river and in view of the great
mountain named Corkrubum, and toward the south of Mroptukr, the billions of
Hemlites prospered with their computers.
(To be continued, maybe - the appearance of Mary, the whore that Jesus
married and loved instead of judging her, may be coming forth)
This was not meant to mock Jesus Christ but simply to show how easily you
can make something up and change the names, events, and even the nature and
character of a person to fit whatever you would like. It should be obvious
that the people being spoken of here are not the same as those found in the
Bible. In this sense, they are similar to those found in Mormon scriptures.
Researchers at the laboratories of "ALPO INDUSTRIES" have discovered
what they claim to be, "A significant discovery of monumental
consequences in food preparation for dogs." Company spokesperson
Wolfgang Bumbite says that newly found and translated hieroglyphic
texts, dating to the time of the construction of the pyramids of Egypt,
"Leave no doubt that the currently patented formula for ALPO dog food
was used by Moses and most of the conscientious Jewish dog lovers of his
day. What we find most intriguing," he says, "is that the ingredients
used were the same kosher meat by-products we use in today's ALPO
recipes. Not only is the formula there" he continues, "but the name
'ALPO' is found throughout the writings."
CEO, and translator of the texts, Hookemen Dodjem, claims divine doggy
inspiration for his ability to interpret "all of ALPO's menu" from the
pictographs.
Rival dog food producers are claiming 'foul'. Purina executives have
hired Egyptology experts from FARMS whom they say, state clearly that these texts
have nothing to do with dog food but rather specifically address "penile
dysfunction in older pharaohs".
Meanwhile, ALPO stock prices have doubled since the announcement that
the "BOOK OF ALPO" will be released early this spring at the Desperate Book Store nearest you.
09/09/2000 - Hashknife
Behold, thus saith the Lord your God: Verily I say unto you, you shall go down unto the temple and flaunt thy recommend. Thou shalt look down thy nose upon all who haveth not a holy recommend, and thou shalt obtain temple vestments of silken white, as unto the Pearl of Great Price. Yea, verily I say unto Thee that thou shalt baptize for thy ancestors until thou art nigh unto drowned, that it behooveth thy Brethren to know CPR for thy soul's sake. And I say unto thee that thou shalt perform endowment and sealing ceremonies for thy ancestors even unto Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun: Yea, verily, verily I say unto thee, thou art responsible for these the souls of thine ancestors, and he souls of all those who have passed before thee, even unto the taking upon thee of their temporal name and their holy New Name with which I, the Lord Thy God, doth claim them and seal them unto My Celestial Kingdom evermore....
(REVISION) Behold, saith The Lord Thy God, and verily, Behold saith Thy governor, who though but a woman and seed of that very Eve that had fallen so that all may live, yea verily We do say unto thee that thou art not responsible for the crimes which hath damned the souls of these thy ancestors, specifically the Mountain Meadows Massacre of which these thy ancestors did fully and knowingly partake. Yea, even as the sinful seed of Eve shall be thy governor, even so shall the sins of thy ancestors not be visited upon thy generation. Though thou may in tilted-uppedness of nose do baptism, endowment, and sealings for those who have come before you and, yea verily saith the Lord thy God, perform these ceremonies unto the formation of vestment rash upon thy loins, even so thou shalt not take upon thee the culpability of thine ancestors for any wrongdoing. For I the Lord thy God am a jealous god, an easily-manipulated god, the god of a small tribe of Hebrew outcasts from long ago, and I say unto thee Behold! Even as I do not in surety exist to harken unto Thee, just so therefore shall thou claim no surety that any Mormon was even present during the war crime (for behold, a militia is even unto one with a Federal military unit, thus saith the Lord your God and the Constitution your law), that you never need make reparation or public apology for these thy ancestors which thou hast already baptised and sealed for, yea even some of them three or four times. For I say unto thee, I the Lord thy God (and even, verily, she the Governor your twit) am an easily-embarassed and stiffnecked thing, which doth endure even to the end of General Conference. Amen.
09/12/2000 - anon(original
spelling kept in tact for emphasis) 08/06/2000 - Byron
So my question is this... What language is the word Liahona? Is it Adamic?
Why not just call it a compass in the first place? And how did Lehi know to
call it the Liahona? wasn't it just sitting in front of his tent one
morning? Maybe Lehi and the Lord had this conversation.
Lehi: What the hell is that oh Lord... ???
God: a Liahona
Lehi: What does that mean?
God: Well, you know it is kinda like a compass?
Lehi: A what?
God: You know, a compass
Lehi: I don't understand
God: Oh, I'm sorry, I meant a sextant. I often get those words confused.
Lehi: Ah.. I see. Why don't you just call it a sextant then
God: Because Liahona sounds cooler.
Lehi: You sure do work in mysterious ways
God: That's what they all say.
01/26/2000 - Wendy
1. We believe in God and His Eternal Father, (and His Father's Father) and in His sons, and in Adam (although we haven't exactly agreed on how he fits into the picture) and in the Holy Ghost.
2. We believe a man will be punished for his own sins as outlined in his personal worthiness interviews with the bishop and stake president, but will indefinitely benefit from Adam's transgression.
3. We believe that the Atonement of Christ has no relevance in the church, but that mankind may earn his own glory and exaltation by obedience to the endless laws and ordinances we heap upon them bi-annually.
4. We believe the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are, first: unwavering faith in the Lord, Joseph Smith; second, repetition; third, baptism by imagination in tepid bathwater in front of all your friends and family; fourth, the laying on of hands so we may continue to practice the warm fuzzies of the Holy Ghost. We also believe in the second, third and fourth principles and ordinances of the gospel, but will not tell you about them until it is too late to revoke the acquisition of the first.
5. We believe that you must have a penis to be called of God, by profit-sharing and by the laying on of hands by delusional men who believe they have authority to preach at you and administer in the ordinances as they see fit.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, but have renamed some of the offices since we are the new and improved version.
7. We believe in the gifts of (in no particular order): tongues, prophesy, revelation, vision, healing, interpretation of tongues and all the other ones we haven't covered, but reserve the right to dictate as to how they will be used and what qualifies their authenticity.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God, as long as its translation is given loosely and parts of it are largely disregarded. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, but greater in importance than the Bible and to be taken far more seriously because it was translated by a gold-digging fourteen year old boy with the aid of a pair of x-ray glasses.
9. We believe all that church leaders say God has revealed as long as it is in concordance with what God does supposedly now reveal and is not an embarrassment to the Church; and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things to change the face of this organization and make it more streamlined to fit in with the rest of Christianity.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel by naming ourselves as part of the ten tribes; that Zion, (the "New Jerusalem") will be built in Missouri, on property owned by the LDS church; that we will reign personally over the whole earth, and that all opposing religions and bad people will be removed so the earth can receive it's paradisiacal glory.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God
according to the dictates of our overactive conscience and
the collective agreement of the church, since we are the
only true church and His favorite people, and allow all
men the same privilege, as long as they become Mormon.
Let them take the missionary discussions, get baptized,
get married in the temple, and never criticize their
church leaders.
12. We believe in being subjected to all forms of government, to make martyrs of ourselves and our cause, and may obey, honor, and sustain the law when instructed to do so by our church leaders.
13. We believe in being honestly deceived, truly misled, chased out of every state we've been in, virtuous to a fault, and in doing good to all men who are like us. Indeed we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul (although we don't quite know who he is.). We're gullible enough to believe all things, hope for really stupid things, endure endless persecution, and we hope to be able to endure all kinds of persecution to prove that we are truly God's chosen people. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy, the men in our church will probably want it for one of their multiple spirit wives, and might castrate each other to obtain her.
01/24/2000 - anon 01/24/2000 - Big Mac
1. Do you believe in a God that takes pride in keeping you in the dark regarding the members of His church. The Eternal Father, would rather you test him to see if you can get gain from tithing, rather than teach you to pay because it is the right thing to do. His Son, Jesus Christ really, does not care if people lie and deceive the people of his church as long as it faith promoting. And in the Holy Ghost; doesn't care how many times Adolph Hitler is baptized or takes out another set of ordinances so long as he realizes there is no forgiveness in this world nor the world to come. We just do those things for practice. Do you know with every fiber of your being, beyond any shadow of a doubt that Boyd Carpal Tunnel Packing will beat this kind gospel into you until you have a firm testimony of the restored gospel?
01/23/2000 - Jeff Bennett - submitted by Bit-Twiddler (original date 01/24/1997) OK, like, after we were in Manchester for a couple of years, the place was all freaking out and stuff about religion. This gang called the Methodists started it all, but pretty soon all the local religious gangs were like totally going ballistic at each other. All of them were totally dissing each other. They were all calling each other pieces of shit and shit like that.
And all the people there were, like, all wacked-out about the gangs, because if you didn't belong to a gang you weren't shit. So, people were, like, signing up with the different gangs, and they'd all fight over which one was the best and stuff. It was like totally confusing, dude. I didn't have a clue about which one I should hang with, but I thought the Methodists were kinda cool, on account of they had these totally bitchin' jackets.
So, anyway, I was out riding my skateboard through the park one morning, and I'm like, wondering which one of these gangs I should join, cuz I wanted to be cool like everyone else. So, I'm skating along and I realize I really gotta whiz. So I spot this grove of trees, and there's like nobody else around, so I figure what the hell.
So anyway, I'm whizzing away, and I was thinking about all these religious gangs, trying to figure out which one to hang with. And so, I said to myself, "man which one should I join."
Now, as soon as I said this, it got totally dark dude, and I couldn't talk and I started going into convulsions, which made me piss all over myself. And so I thought to myself "What the fuck is going on!"
Now you're not even gonna believe this dude. As soon as I said that, Shazaaam! I was, like, being nuked by this totally bright light. Man, it was just like a scene from the X-Files. I totally thought I was being abducted by aliens and shit. Then I saw these two old-looking dudes standing in the light in their bathrobes. They looked like the two dudes from ZZ Top, except these dudes had white beards.
So, I'm lying there on the ground staring up at these two dudes. I had to put on my shades cuz the light was so bright. So, I finally ask the dudes, "What's going on? Who are you guys?" So then, one of the dudes starts talking to me ,and I'm like totally freaking out now. He says "Joe, listen up, this is my kid and he's got some important shit to tell you."
Now while all this is going on, I've still got all the gang stuff on my mind. So, I'm thinking to myself, maybe these dudes know a cool gang, after all they're like floating in air and shit, which was pretty rad. So I asked them, which one I should join, and get this, the dude says "Don't join any of 'em 'cuz they're all lame."
So I told the guy, "dude, that's totally harsh, lighten up, man!" Then he tells me I should start my own gang. Whoa! That totally blew me away. What a rad idea! And that, I swear to god, is how it all started. Honest.
01/18/2000 - The Sacrament Prayers - anon Oh Gord, the Ethereal Prophet, we task thee in the blame of thy shun, Oh Rod, The Eternal Phallus, we task the in the name of thy main one, 01/12/2000 - Mac
1. We believe Adam was God, the Eternal Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, was Jehovah and in the Holy Ghost.
2. We believe we will punish all mankind for their sins, and not for Adam's transgression.
3. We believe that through , obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, as revealed to the brethren,
all mankind may be saved. Although we seldom mention him, We also believe in Christ.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Infallibility of leadership; second, Repetition of antiquated doctrinal phraseology; third, the remission of sins; brought forth by guilt and good works; fourth, Lying about receiving gifts of the Holy Ghost.
5. We believe prophets will call every young man to serve a mission and preach the Gospel, and sisters will never administer in the priesthood ordinances thereof. We believe it is the duty of every young man to enter the temple, be married, and to resign their lives to poverty by giving all their time, energy, monies and everything else with which they are blessed to the LDS church.
6. We believe in some of the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, but reserve intellectual rights to these callings, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth, although experience has long shown that these are no longer needed in these latter days.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is correctly translated, by a general authority; we also believe the Book of Mormon should be used as an advertising tool, and given as a free gift, by dialing an 1-800 Number.
9. We pretend that God has revealed, great and marvelous things which will never interfere with current church policy or folklore of the membership. We believe someday if we live worthily that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. We believe these things must be kept sacred and hidden from the general membership for they have not yet proven worthy to receive them.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and hope we can profit in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon property owned by the LDS church on this the American continent; and that through tithes and offerings and ill gain, that we will reign personally upon the earth for a thousand years. We believe, there will be none that dare to molest nor make afraid; and we will be renewed and receive our parasitical glory.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and insist, if one is to receive the full blessings of celestial life, all men will worship in the self same way.
12. We believe, in undue influence of the state and local government, in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, when people are watching.
13. We believe in dominating public gatherings, with loud boisterous talk. We believe in reserving seating for our family by the laying on of blankets over large sections of seating . We believe in being vengeful, spiteful, and mean spirited. We believe in getting even with all menkind regardless of the law. Indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of all men-We believe all things, our leadership utter, lying and stealing isn't sinful, if it is done for the Lord or proves faith promoting. We have brought many things upon ourselves by our own actions and hope to be able to declare martyrdom for all things. If there is anything free, or that we might do to gain undue advantage over another person, we seek after these things.
Joseph Schmidt
I thought this was so funny that I called my mom and read it to her. Reading it out loud is even better and I laughed so hard I cried!
Thanks for that! - 04/28/2009 - Lola
God...Nephi sounds like a poor high school student trying to fill a word quota for an assignment. Must somehow make 1500
words. - 04/28/2009 - kinson
That is not true! - 02/07/2009 - anon
Fool - 01/27/2009 - anon
Lots of funny material, but there is LOTS of duplication of entire pieces, especially the Articles of Faith satires . Several of these items appear more than once; a couple of them appear several times.
- 06/15/2008 - Kent
In regard to Joseph Smith translating: Any mention of Hat and
Stone?
Or does it say Urim and Thummim? What is a Urim and a
Thummim anyway? Is a Urim one item and a Thummim
another item ?
Is the Hat the Urim and the stone the Thummim ? - 04/11/2008 -
Zeezrom
I came across these strange ramblings of a disillusioned soul quite by
accident. May the Lord bless you as He did Saul!
- 03/30/2008 - anon
What a complete waste of blog space. Truly an uninspired work.
Amazing how someone with, perhaps, a mind that could do good...didn't.
Instead, in his confusion, decided that others might just partake and fall.
Unfortunately, "great will be the fall thereof."
Sad When it hits you, I hope it isn't the way it was for Sherem.
Good luck. - 02/24/2008 - Daedelus
Remind me to stand far away from you on Judgement Day. - 02/16/2008 - anon
This stuff is a riot. It's a damned shame brainwashed MORmONs
refuse to realize how off-the-wall their phony cult is.
I'm willing to wager that many wealthy, intellectual MORmMONs
(ie Mitt and Warren)are aware of the truth. But knowing admission would
bring down a multibillion $ racket and destroy the faith of millions,
pretend to be faithful members of Hell-D-Ass (LDS). - 09/24/2007 - JCPUTT
Someone is a very angry person!! I will pray for you.
- 06/17/2007 - kimchef
What a sad unfruitful way to spend one's life. I have my own things
to answer for but how grateful I am to not be standing in your shoes as you report
your stewardhip to the Lord on the other side of the veil. I would not want to be
you. - 10/14/2006 - pn
We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature
and dispositon of almost all men, with the exception of:
general authorities, local authorities, bishops, husbands,
relief society presidents, an occasional sunday school
teacher and or church employee, who may become employed
through the church by valiantly waving of a current
temple recommend, as soon as they get a little authority
, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to
to exercise unrighteous dominion.
Please contact your local Snake President if you are
desirous to distribute this sensitive copyrighted material,
he is desirous that all receive it, or contact directly
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Snakes for
copyright rules. Snake Representatives hold authority in
these matters. If bitten, remember it's only the members
and not the church. - 01/06/2000 - Mac
Post your comments in this text box.
Born of God-fearing Nephite parents
05/05/2006 - substrateHeavenly B. Father is Omnisexual
04/08/2006 - BlashThe OMITTED parts of the Articles of Faith
1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ,
and in the Holy Ghost. THERFORE, we believe that all we have done, now do, and
will do is motivated by rewards or punishments from these fellows....especially
that Ghost guy.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own
sins, and not for Adam's transgression. THEREFORE, Adam [a.k.a. Elohim] DID sin
but not really....but that's not important since we will all be punished
SEVERELY for not being perfect...shut up and pass the Prozac.
3. We
believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by
obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. THEREFORE, obedience trumps
all...the laws and ordinances of the Gospel being relative to whatever WE change
them to based on whatever outside pressure WE choose to cave in to. By SAVED, we
mean promoted into godhood.
4. We believe that the first principles
and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second,
Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth,
Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. THEREFORE, once you have
these "first" ones down, we'll indoctrinate you to the other ones that we won't
tell you about nor will you understand while you are doing them [see #3 above
and bow your head and say YESSSS]. By repentance we mean feeling sorry for being
so bad, even when you are 8 and supposedly have nothing to repent of.
5.
We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on
of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in
the ordinances thereof. THEREFORE, WE decide who is 'called'...'called OF God'
not necessarily meaning 'called BY God'....by Prophecy, we mean only if we don't
decide to change it later since our prophets do not always 'speak AS
prohets'--especially on controversial subjects. By AUTHORITY we mean absolute,
'bow down before me and learn your place' authority.
6. We believe in
the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles,
prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. THERFORE, we added
deacons, teachers, priests, high priests, 70s...even though not found in the
BOM. The SAME organization that Christ talked about...you know...in the New
Testament AND in the BOM....what do you mean you've word serached and can't find
ward, stake, and area in the KJV????
7. We believe in the gift of
tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and
so forth. THEREFORE, bring those vision testimonies to Fast and Testimony
meetings... we LOVE to hear about them...and please feel free to show off that
tongue gift from the pulpit...the kids love that.
8. We believe the
Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also
believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. THEREFORE, don't bother us
with your CORRUPT Bibles...they are dirty, corrupt, incorrect....just don't ask
us to pin that down to which verses are bad and which ones are good.....yes the
BOM is 'the most correct book'--doesn't it match the KJV version of the Bible
pretty well? geography...we don't need no stinking geography...we got FAITH
baby....
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now
reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things
pertaining to the Kingdom of God. THEREFORE, we are sticking around for the
sequels...and in them we WILL find our geography, our TRUTH...oh it's coming you
HEATHENS, you GENTILES, you just wait!
10. We believe in the literal
gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New
Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign
personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its
paradisiacal glory. THEREFORE, we have purchased as much land as we can (and all
tax free..teehee, teehee). This IS Zion by GAWD and you GENTILES best stay
out....you think Survivor has a tribal council...HAH...we have the ULTIMATE
tribal council by heck and WE are voting YOU off....unless you join and shut
your yapper.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God
according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same
privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. THEREFORE, we will
keep sending our missionaries out to tell YOU how wrong and evil YOU are, but
don't try to come to Zion...we've got to keep sending missionaries out...how
else we will get a REAL commitment out of our boys if they don't get that fresh
'just shut the door in my face' persecution complex....
12. We
believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in
obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. THEREFORE, if you really hold our
feet to the fire and try to take away our tax-exempt status or confiscate our
'stuff' we'll do whatever you want....of course our prophets are not subject to
this little article since they have the right to raise armies, declare
themselves kings, threaten to make their own country, send out ambassadors to
other countries, order outsiders exterminated, etc.
13. We believe in
being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men;
indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul�We believe all things,
we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure
all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or
praiseworthy, we seek after these things. THEREFORE, please don't make us open
vault F...we ARE an OPEN book after all....
A blunt analogy
Nobody would be so gullible, right? Well, this is exactly
what has happened with Mormonism. It's called the Book of Abraham. Joseph Smith
purchased two mummies and some papyrus scrolls from a traveling exhibition in
1835. He "translated" said scrolls and said they were written by Abraham and
told an excerpt from his life. This translation was published as the Book of
Abraham and is included in the LDS canon of scripture. Helpfully, Joseph
included 3 facsimiles of illustrations from the papyrus along with their
specific translations. The problem is that the scrolls have nothing to do with
Abraham. They are common funerary texts called the Book of Breathings that were
included as sort of a ticket into the afterlife for the dead in Egypt. Not only
that, but they postdate the time of Abraham by 1200-1500 years. And the helpful
direct translations are gibberish.
The bottom line: Joseph could not
translate Egyptian.
So, why do we still believe? Why do we go through the
tortured explanations of Hugh Nibley et al. as to why these preposterous
translations really do work after all? Because we don't want to believe we were
mistaken. After all, we "know" the church is true. Facts don't matter.
New Articles of Faith revealed at last!
Joseph Smith Diary Found
The Smithmas Story by Luke
The Prophet then sat down in the chair, picked up the seer stone and placed it reverently into the hat. Looking up at the ceiling, with his gaze seeming to penetrate through the very roof to the star-studded heavens beyond, the Prophet seemed to be whispering a prayer and we could see the movement of his lips as he uttered it and the sometimes pained and pleading countenance of his face. This went on for the space of nearly half of an hour, as an expectant hush filled the room. Then the Prophet slowly lowered his head and lifted the hat up to his face such that the brim of the hat was flush around his face and his eyes were completely shielded from the light of the room. This we understood was necessary so that the light of the seer stone could be discerned.
'Meek and Lowly'
'In the similitude'
'Choose you this day'
The Sealed Portion of the Book of Mormon - Preface
The Morg's Prayer
Polygamy be thy game,
Thy kingdom come,
We will have fun
In bed, as in sex, forever.
And give us no debt,
As we make members our debtors.
But deliver unto us a guilt trip,
For ours is the Valium,
And the Prozac,
And the temple gory,
Forever.
Church of Rock N' Roll Holiness Thirteen Articles of Faith
STOLEN: Check here for GBH's upcoming conference talk draft!
Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley, April 4, 2004 General Conference.
One day in heaven - Mormon heaven of course
I, TANSTAAFL, having been born of Mormon parents
Laban's side of the story. Who will speak for the victim? I will.
The Articles of Anti-Faith of a Soon To Be Former Member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
"The Testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith," hereafter known as "The Tested Baloney of the Profit Joseph's Myth"
SONG: I know my father is a figment of my imagination
SONG: Cash is spoken here
SONG: He sent confusion
SONG: I felt my cousin’s love (But he told me not to tell anybody about it)
SONG: Happy pills
SONG: Home can be heaven on earth, but not without serious medication
SONG: Families can be forever in the temple wasting our goddamn time
SONG: I pray in faith, but I still feel really guilty
SONG: Our house becomes an orgy
SONG: The family, keep your mouth shut or we will take yours away
SONG: Saturday is a special day - It’s a whole lot better than Sunday
SONG: Tell me some more stories, JESUS!
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this? Why this is Sam
Yes, this is Sam;
Sam: Sam I am
Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am
Sam: In a tent, my father dwelt
Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt
Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack
Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back
Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear
Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here
Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?
Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way
Laman: Here we are in this damp cave
Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave
Nephi: I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think
Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum
Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram
Lemuel: Oh great, another pathetic life form
Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent
Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona
Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives
Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives
Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree
The fruit is white, the fruit is free
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?
Laman, Lemuel, come and see
Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit
Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit
Laman: We will not help you build your boat
Lemuel: We do not think that it will float
Laman: No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote
Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say
Laman: We will not eat it on a tray
Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes you rent
Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam
L & L: We will not eat it, Sam I am
Sam: You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say
Laman: Sam, if you will let us be,
We will try it, you will see
L&L: Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am
*Fallopians V 3
1. We believe
in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son,
Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men,
and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and
Revelator denied it on national TV.
2. We believe that men will be
punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for
Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which
case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in
the pre-existence.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ,
all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel,
especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that
Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate
time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer &
Savior.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the
Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version
of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins;
fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth,
Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman;
sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total,
absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the
remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy
Ghost.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and
by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to
preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that
if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to
state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive
Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists,
moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Women leaders, Relief Society Presidents,
Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum
Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that
the primitive name for the church was "Corporation of the President."
7.
We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing,
interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment
secrets, and so forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as
far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses
are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the most recent
version of the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. We are currently undecided
as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however.
9. We believe
all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He
will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God
(which may differ greatly from what He has previously revealed) by means of a
comprehensive market survey of members' likes and dislikes.
10. We
believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten
Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent
or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that
the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe
that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the
dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and
allow all men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever
wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are
hirelings of Satan.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents,
rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, unless
the law of the land violates the law of God as dictated by the President of the
Church, such as in prohibiting the marrying of more than one woman.
13.
We believe in being honest except when lying for the Lord, true, chaste,
benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we
follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things that the Church President
tells us, we hope all things, we have endured many things such as changes in
Church teachings and conflicting revelations, and hope to be able to endure all
things. If there is any woman virtuous, lovely, or of good report or
praiseworthy, we seek to make her obedient, servile, and pregnant.
I, Lemuel, having been born of nagging parents, have therefore been harassed
much of my life. Not only by my parents, but also by my younger brother,
Nephi, and my older brother, Laman, with whom I get along best. There, I wrote
it down. Now maybe my parents will get off my back about keeping a record. - Lemuel
It has finally happened! My father has become an absolute lunatic. He has
decided that he "feels" that we should leave the big city and head into the
wilderness. God only knows where. He started talking about leaving after he
came home from yelling at some people to repent. He said they threw rocks at
him. I think one of them must have beaned him on the noggin. He then went and
laid on his bed for about 12 hours straight. I thought for a while that he was
in a coma. - Lemuel
It looks like dad is serious about this leaving thing. He says he's had a
dream in which God has told him to leave Jerusalem. I guess it couldn't have
anything to do with the mastaccoli he ate before he went to bed. I always have
dreams like that if I eat pizza just before I sleep. Laman and I are
resisting, but it looks like we're going to have to go too. We don't really
have to I guess, but if we don't how will we eat? Despair! I have a girlfriend
and my own horse. Dad is loaded with gold which we can't take into the
wilderness because it's too heavy. Of course, that Momma's boy, Nephi, is all
eager to go right along. He makes me sick. I think I'll hurl my lunch if I see
him again today! - Lemuel
We've been living in a tent for three days now. My neck hurts from sleeping
on the ground. It must show, because Dad and Nephi keep commenting about my
stiffneckedness. There are mosquitos everywhere, and I have blisters on my
feet. Today Dad said, "O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and
steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord... blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah" Whatever. Constant nagging; never lets up. And Nephi's
not much better. I have to go now. - Lem.
Hi, I'm Lemuel, and I'm retarded.
I didn't write that last entry. Laman must have gotten ahold of the plates.
Sometimes he's really a jerk. I wish there was a way to erase engravings;
maybe a jeweler could fix it. Dad says we have to go back to town and get some
brass plates from Laban. Sure, like Laban's going to say, "Here, take them.
Maybe you want my coat too? You want that I should die of pneumonia, then
you'll be happy?" He hit me once when we were younger because I spit on him.
I'm not going. - Lem
Just got back from the city. It was alright, but the walk back was murder.
Laman was picked to go talk to Laban, but he just went and got drunk with him.
After than, we went back home and got Dad's gold; tried to buy the plates, but
Laban's gang chased us away and stole our stuff. Laman was furious! I thought
the veins in this forehead would blow up. He got a stick and we beat Nephi and
Sam with it until we got tired. Finally, Nephi found Laban by a wall all
hammered. He chopped off his head and took the plates. - Lem
Now Dad wants us to go back home and get Ishmael's family. He probably wants
us to marry his daughters; he's got about a million kids. I guess I don't mind
so much going back to Jerusalem this time; some of Ishmael's daughters have
nice bods. Hey, what more could a man want? I'll write more when we get back. - Lem
Just got back. Ishmael's daughters are better than I remembered. But there is
one that's awful ugly. She hangs on Laman like a bad suit. Nephi's been on our
backs the whole time; keeps telling us to repent. Sheeeesh! It's not like I'm
Cain or something! - Lem
I've had it out here! I'm no camper. I've had diarrhea for the last two
months. I haven't been writing much lately because things have been really
hard. Now the old man's got a ball he stares into about three hours every day.
He says it tells him what to do. Mom's pregnant I think. Either that, or she
has a tumor. I think she's too old to have a baby. I'm going to bed. - Lem
Mom was pregnant for sure. She had a boy, called him Joe. We all have
families now, and most of us have at least one kid. I have two: Frank and
Jesse. They're terrors, but I guess they'll grow out of it someday. I've got
to write more often, but I always put it off. I don't know why, but my wife is
getting really buff. I'm worried about it because she's almost gotten bigger
than me. Laman's wife is huge. She's stronger than 8 cows. But then, I always
told Laman he had gotten him an 8-cow wife. - Lem
Oy, Veh! Would that there was a good deli in this wilderness. I'm craving
some bagels and lox, maybe pastrami on rye. Nephi's not even worried about
food. He says God has told him to build a boat. He's never even seen a boat;
Jerusalem's landlocked. I've never seen more than a glass of water at one
time, let alone an ocean. And Nephi thinks he's Noah all of a sudden. He can't
even shoot a bow; broke his last week and we all went a whole day without food
because of it. He probably called it a fast. - Lem
Laman just gave me a tattoo. It hurts like the dickens. He rubbed salt in it
before I could stop him; said it makes it feel better. I don't know why I let
him do it; he can talk me into just about anything. I can't believe it's been
8 years since we left home, and here we are on a beach with a ship that
probably won't even float. Mom had another baby, named him Jacob. I can
already tell he's going to be nothing but trouble. - Lem
I'm really seasick. We've been having a party here on the ship Nephi made. It
works pretty good; we've been floating around for about two weeks now. We tied
Nephi up yesterday because he is so stiff. Laman got drunk and got really mad
at him. We're having a really bad storm. Everybody says God is punishing us
and that we should untie Nephi so we won't sink. Right! But maybe we will
after Family Home Evening. - Lem.
The Hitch-Hiker & The Sacred Aluminum Plates
An account of Laman, his father Lehi and mother Sariah, his brothers Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi, and their unnamed sisters. Lehi has a vision, which prompts him to take his family into the wilderness against his doctor's advice. Nephi also claims to have visions in a desperate cry for attention from his father. Laman and Lemuel follow Lehi and Nephi into the wilderness to keep an eye on their mother, but also out of a sense of morbid curiosity. Lemuel follows Laman around like a lost puppy. Sam doesn�t say much. Their sisters don�t even have names. And you thought the Osbourne's were dysfunctional.
Chapter 1
An introduction to Laman's eccentric family. His father Lehi claims to be a prophet. Lehi's shrink claims Lehi is a paranoid schizophrenic. Laman writes his book on papyrus. Nephi has to play catch up, but writes his book on gold plates, because he is a self-aggrandizing moron. Lehi has a vision and says they all have to flee into the wilderness before Jerusalem is destroyed. Laman plays along because he sees an opportunity to meet some of Ishmael's sexy daughters, who are coming along.
Chapter 2
Nephi gets no hooch from any of Ishmael�s daughters, because he�s a weenie, so he makes up this big cock and bull story about seeing Lehi's visions as a kind of overcompensation.
Chapter 3
Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi, get their asses back to Jerusalem to pick up some brass plates that our old man, the Great Prophet, didn�t "discern" that he needed when we left the first time.
Chapter 4
Nephi wants to build a ship. Snickering ensues, as Nephi claims he got the plans from God. You'll see what I mean.
Note: This is the point at which the Urim & Thummim went dark. Perhaps the rest of the story will revealed at some future date when the world is righteous enough to receive it. Until then, we must watch and pray... watch and pray...
Written (I mean, translated) by Makurosu (makurosu@rocketmail.com) - 07/26/2002
Official Church policy: Don't translate the BoM into plain language!
Jade Plates From China
The Lamanites Were The Good Guys
Egyptian Talking Jerks
Walk Like a Reformed Egyptian
Joseph Smith's Patriarchal Blessing
2. "For you shall take in
matrimony the Hale girl, named Emma, to share your hosuehold, and your
exaltation, and give you children without number in the Celestial Kingdom, where
she shall serve you as the god you will become...."
3. "And that's just
for starters...."
4. "If you remain failthful in your covenants this day,
you sall have more wives than all of us here tonight, put together, starting
with a blonde 14 year old, and staying with the white, delightsome type, for as
you grow older, the ages of your new wives shall grow ever
younger...."
5. "And you shall use a rock, a special rock, a chosen rock,
and shall watch words and picture develop on it as you translate from a Golden
Bible, yea, it shall be so..."
6. "And you shall start a bank, and clean
your followers out of money, and, if there wives are particularly comely and
attractive, you shall partake of them too, and if they complain, you shall send
them to the far reaches of the earth THAT VERY DAY, not allowing them even time
to gather their cloak, or take their money with them. Their money, and their
wives, shall be yours, too, so long as you continue to support your oaths and
covenants made this day..."
7. "And you shall have a mighty building of
offices named after you, and much financial and commercial affairs shall take
place in that great and wondrous building..."
8. "Watch out for Brigham
Young...."
The Drinking Deacon, The Tempted Teacher and the Plastered Priest Sacrament Prayer
The Book of Anos
Jed Smith II
Jedediah S. (Junior)OFFICIAL DECLARATION #3
On April 5, 2002, at the 173rd Annual General Conference of The Corporation of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the following was presented by President Thomas S. Monson, First Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church:
GORDON B. HINCKLEY
THOMAS S. MONSON
JAMES E. FAUSTThe Book of Moongrim
My Chat with God on Napster, a/k/a "The First Chat"
the great prophet known from the Sea East to the Sea West.
(P.S. Backstage passes would be nice too.) Amen
Lehi's Voyage Down Under
Verily, I Say Unto Thee
Tempt Thine Enemies With False Witness
(Excerpt
from a recently discovered manuscript of a revelation received by Brigham Young
while allegedly under the influence of alcohol, as it seems to be the case with
most of his discoursesA Revelation Unto the Prophet DireZerrubal
1890 Wilford Woodruff Manifesto From Down Under
Well, I'm Willy Woodruff, the
head bloke in the whole Mormon church, an' I'm tellin' ya - and I'm fair dinkum
- that this is pure, bloody bullshit! We are not tellin' blokes that it's
awright to get hitched to as many sheilas as ya like - not even in the
temple.
Some clown reckons that a bloke an' a sheila got hitched in the
Endowment House, back in '89. Well, if they did, no bugger told me. An' one
thing's for sure - I didn't give 'em permission. An' that's why we've bulldozed
the joint - tout bloody suite!
Now, the goverment 'ave made laws about this
kinda stuff, an' the courts are right with 'em, so I've decided to do what I'm
told. An' I'm tellin' the rest o' the Mormon church, that they'd better
bloodywell do the same - or watch out!
For the last year - or somethin' like
that - I HAVE NOT BEEN BLOODY PREACHIN' THAT ONE BLOKE CAN HAVE AS MANY BLOODY
WIVES AS 'E WANTS! Geez, this makes me wild, an' I'll tell ya somethin' else - I
'aven't told any other bloody moron that 'e could give it the thumbs-up,
neither. We did 'ear about one or two bloody lamebrains who were preachin' about
it, but by geez, did we give 'em the rounds 'o the kitchen. They won't be doin'
it again, I'm tellin' ya. An' I'm tellin' all the rest o' the church, STOP
BLOODY DOIN" IT!
Stray Mutt's Personal Articles of Faith
*Paul Carlson was a college friend
Declaration of Mo-Independence
We hold these truths to be
self-evident, that all exmos are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and
the pursuit of Happiness.
That to secure these rights, exmo boards,
police reports, and restraining orders are instituted among exmos, deriving
their just powers from the consent of the board posters,
That when any
form of religion becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the
Apostates to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new religions, laying
foundations on such principles and organizing powers in such form as to them
shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
Prudence,
indeed, will dictate that religions long established should not be changed for
light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that
Mormons are more disposed to suffer while morgbot evils are sufferable, than to
right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are
accustomed.
But when a long wagon train of abuses and usurpations,
pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under
absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such
religion, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
The
history of the present King George B. Hinckley of Salt Lake City is a history of
repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment
of an absolute Tyranny over these Exmos.
He has made church Judges
dependent on his Will alone, the tenure of their offices.
He has erected
a multitude of New Temples, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our
people and eat out their substance.
He has combined with others to
subject us to a jurisdiction,
For imposing Tithing and green Jell-O Taxes
on us without our Consent;
For transporting us beyond Seas as
Missionaries:
He has plundered our savings, ravaged out families, burnt
our souls, and destroyed the lives of our gays.
In every stage of these
Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our
repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prophet, whose
character is thus marked by every act which may be defined a Tyrant, is unfit to
be the ruler of a free people.
We, therefore, Representatives of the
united exmo board, solemnly publish and declare, That we are, and of right ought
to be Free and Independent. That we are Absolved from all allegiance to The
Church of Joseph Smith of Latter Day Polygamists.
And for the support of
this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence,
we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our tithing-free Fortunes and our
sacred Honor.
Dear Diary;
Dear Diary;
Dear Diary;
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
The Book of Dorkus Dinkumr
The Book of Khorikrumpter
Hieroglyphics found to be Dog Food Commercial
HERE is proof that you "lampooners" are really stupid:
THE GOVERNOR OF UNAH IS A MAN!! SO THERE
E-mail = anonimus
Shirley the Lord God will do nothing save she reveal her
secrets through her savants, the prophets. (Amos 3:7)
2. Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the great pretender, skier, and Pioneer; and can you recognize him from this photograph from the Post Office as the only person with all the priesthood holders keys?
3. Do you find disdain for other General Atrocities of the local authorities of the Church?
4. What is your quest? Do you live the law of chastity? (Is that the one about sexual contact, or Sexual intercourse with the daughters of Eve? What is the speed of a North American swallow?
5. Is they are anything lovely or of good report,.oops.in your conduit relenting to discenting members of your family that is not in harmony with the preachings of the Church? Is there any lying thieving or things in disharmony in the Church? If so now would be the time to bring them up.
6. Do you affiliate with any group or individual whose teachings, practices are contrary to or oppose those taught by Joseph Smith, or do you sympathize with the prophets of any such group or individual?
7. Do you feel like a sheep and feel guilty as we harp on about you slacking your duty in the Church; When we call to gather information about your attendance at your sacrament, priesthood, and other meetings; do you lie for your wife. Finally do you obey all of the rules, every laws of the land, and keep all of the commandments without fail of the gospel? If you answered yes. You are only lying for the lord.
8. Are you honest as you can be, while maintaining the upper hand in your business dealings with your fellowmen?
Remember to follow the Judian Laws of Business. You are always in business to make a profit.
9. Are you a full-tithe payer? Alternatively, do you follow the council of Joseph and only give on your increase? If you are in debit, or have had a bad year, we understand you then had no increase.
10. Do you understand that the Word of Wisdom was never ment to become a commandment? A little wine has always through history been a source of a gift of god to calm mans nerves and bring him joy. Bow your head and say Yes.
11. Have you ever been divorced or are you now separated from your spouse under order of a civil court? If yes, (a) -Will you let me know is she available now? Are you current in your support payments and other financial obligations for family members, as specified by court order or in other written, binding commitments? If not how am I going to get that new boat we were talking about yesterday? (b) Were there any circumstances of transgression in connection with your divorce or separation that I might use to my advantage over you, or any lurid details you could leave me a video copy of for my "other business". I can help resolve any of these details in a private meeting after 10 PM here at the chapel.
12. If you have received your temple endowment -- (a) Do you keep all the covenants that you made in the temple? (If they answer yes at this point throw them out, they are pathological liars. (b) Do you wear the authorized garments both day and night? (Good just checking on our G-Account. That trip to Nauvoo is coming up shortly.)
13. Has there been any sin or misdeed to you or your family where the offending officer was a priesthood authority?
If so has this been resolved?
14. As a Son of God or Daughter of Adam, it matters not if you consider yourself worthy in every way to enter the temple and participate in temple ordinances. As common Judges in Israel, we will be the ones making that decision.
In each interview, emphasize to the applicant the need to safeguard the recommend. It must never be loaned to a general authority, even if threatened by the taking of ones life, rather than do so you would suffer your life be taken.
and should the recommend be stolen or lost. Contact the temple presidency for a special blood atonement ordinance.
Gee Such Tripe, to finesse and "Sanka-fy" this postum to the stools
of all those who shrink from it, that they play "do it in the raindance"
of the flood of thy Sun, which was cuz he fled from them; that they are
whitless, can't you see, O Gord, The Urethral Prophylactic, that they drool
always, remembering him, that they may have his spitoon to be with them.
Mayhem
Squeeze Us Twice, to blast and pacify this dread to the souls of all those
who fake part of it, that they may retreat in resentment of the rod of thy
main one, and finesse unto thee, Oh Rod, The Eternal Phallus, that they are
thrilling to go down upon them in the fame of thy main one, and always
dismember him and jeep his commandos which he has driven them, that they
may always have his "espirit de corps" to be with them.
Hey Men!
The Particles of Filth
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Snakes