Planet Kolob - The Salamander Society's Restaurant

Out of this world dining in the heart of Zion. Click on image for funny video clip of Kolob.

A restaurant styled after "Planet Hollywood" with the theme being the Mormon temple and culture with it's symbolism, rites and rituals and history. Please submit your creative menu and decorum ideas in the box below.

Fun with Book of Mormon names for taverns/restaurants/ bands/ businesses?

09/15/2009 - by SusieQ#1 and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Zarahemla Nights Tavern

King Moron's Captive Pancakes

Coriantor BBQ'd Ribs

King Benjamin Brass Plated Monuments

Alma's Roadside Bar and Grill

Aha and Ahah and Seth - Family jazz trio

Five Men - Rock group

Gadianton Robbers Mountain Top Secret Combinations Restaurant at Nephi Ski Resort

Zeezon, Alma and Amulek Attorneys at Law

Three Nephite Ghost Hunters

General Zenephi's Chilli and Hot sause

Zeniff School of Languages - $19.99 As Seen on TV Learn a language in 30 minutes

Laban Self Defense Classes

Hagoth, Nephi and Brother of Jarod Shipbuiders- Yachts

How about the boy band "Strippling Warriors"! n/t ...... I was thinking of a male chorus!

Amnor, Limi, Zeram Private Detective Agency

Nehor Psyshic Readings, Nimrod Hunting Supplies, Brother of Shiblom Funeral Home

Ammon's Arms Emporium - by Changed Man

Abinadi's Barbeque Pit? Oh - this could be fun!

How about the boy band "Strippling Warriors"! - Laban's Head

Beer Hive

More Men" as a gay bar name?

The Flaming Sword - name for a gay bar - by MJ

Dead Dunkin' Donuts - Maria

Signs 'n' Tokens - Waiters/Waitresses in white, wearing green aprons, of course. I've got the menu planned, too. - cludgie

I dedicate this to BKP - Isabelle's House of Harlotry. One of the few women worthy of a name for Joseph Smith, author and proprietor, and his collaborators. - Snowball

A guy on my mission wanted to open up a tabacco accesories store called "The Natural Man" in SLC. - Measure

Latte Day Saints coffee shop - David Stimpson

Gay Bar - The Zone Leader

Lesbian Bar - The Burning Bush

Fertility Clinic - The Lion House

Bikini Wax Shop - The Sacred Grove

Homosexuality Cure Clinic - Hyssop of Sodom - FDLDS

Laban's Indian Head Massage Parlour - Matt

Liar's den

Pearl of Great Price Oyster Bar

Milk Before Meat Dairy

Stripling Ice Cream Parlor

The Sacred Grove

The Golden Plates

Fruit of the loins (gay bar)

Pillar of Fire BBQ

The House of Laban

The Bishop's Daughter Lingerie Store

Urim and Thummim Adult Store - T-bone

Neo-Nazi group called the Abrahamic Covenant - FDLDS

'Lil Factory (Asian massage parlor and adult bookstore) - Apostate J.

Dunkin' Danites

Dunks Unlimited

GAs = Nattering Nephites of Nepotism (or Negativism) - Veritas

Peep Stones - glass brick manufacturer - Finally Normal

New LDS-themed breakfast cereals

04/15/2008 - by substrate

Kellogg's has announced a plan to market cereals especially for the Intermountain West. Here are the top ten proposed cereals:

10. Honey Bunches of Bullshit

9. Lucky Charms (now with purple peepstones)

8. Guilty-Os

7. Joseph Pops (with real cherry)

6. Frosted Prozac Puffs

5. Boyd-berry Crunch (free little factory inside every box)

4. Kokaubeam Krispies

3. Golden Plates Grahams (they're in the box, I swear)

2. Marshmallow Massacre (Slogan: Mormons, do your duty, and eat a bowl every day!)

1. Prix (GA-shaped cereal in 15 vanilla flavors)

Mormon seafood platter.

Brand New Mormon Theme Restaurant Chain

11/10/2006 - by Jamie

(Get your franchise before they are all gone.) This is a sparkling new idea for a chain of non-pretentious Utah restaurants called "The Steak Center" (Where There's Never a Dry, Boring Meat-ing!).

Each Steak Center will have one enormous dining area with basketball hoops at either end, folding metal chairs and long tables covered in plastic tablecloths. The Steak Centers will not have hostesses but greeters. (Men in their 70s will meet you at the door and talk like they have known you all your life.)

The main menu items will be the Porterhouse Rockwell Steak, the Primary Rib and the Poor Wayfaring Pan of Beef garnished with Parsley P. Pratt. We will also have, when it's in season, Eliza R. Snow Crab. And let's not forget a whole line of "And It Came to Pasta" including Kraft Moroni and Cheese.

Additionally, we'll have breakfast items, including Pearl of Great Rice and Frosted Minivans as well as Adam-ondi-Omelettes. The house drink is "Tab n Apple Juice".

Also available, "In Our Lovely Desserts" including Fast Sundaes, Gadianton Cobbler and the sinful Laman Meringue Pie and Lemuel ice cream.

The waiters will be 12 and 13 year-old boys wearing white shirts and their fathers' ties. At the end of the night the customers will be asked to help fold up the chairs and tables and vacuum the floor.

Franchises are selling fast. Get yours while they last!

Top Ten Mormon Desserts

03/01/2006 - by substrate

10. Death On the Spot (a mixture of chocolate and vanilla mousse)

9. Hinckley Meringue Pie (so much fluff with nothing in it)

8. Salamanderdoodles

7. Gingerbread Child-Brides

6. Seed of Cain Brownies

5. White and Delightsome Cake

4. Decaffeinated Coffee Cake

3. Marshmallow Peepstones

2. Abraham's Mnemonic Jelly Scrolls (they're not what they look like)

1. Coconut Cureloms

New hamburger named after McDonald's convert

06/18/2004 - from Dark Sparks

It was announced today that the President of McDonalds, INC. Bruce Aher, has joined the Mormon faith.

In celebration of this event there will be a new hamburger line made in his honor. Made exclusively from meat that has been prayed over and blessed by the Mormon Priesthood holders.

This hamburger will be made from a mix of beef rump and beef brain guaranteed to be free of mad cow disease by the holy Melchesidick Priesthood.

In celebration of Mr. Bruce Aher's conversion, the hamburger will be named the McCon-key.

Available in the Gadianton Giftshop

Nephi hand buzzer - shock your siblings into submission with this ever popular novelty.

Coat of Laban - wear this coat and everyone will mistake you for a large burly Hebrew man.

Liahona - using the latest in GPS (God-based Positioning System) technology this device will allow you to truly go where you want me to go dear Lord over mountains or valleys or seas. (Disclaimer: This device has been known to quit working due to low supply of faith. Manufacturer is not responsible for loss of home and or personal wealth as a result of the use of this device.)

Ship Building for Dummies - with this book anyone can learn how to construct a ship capable of sailing around the world using only local material found around your home. No prior ship building experience required. 3 designs to choose from: the Nephite Nautilus, the Jaredite Jaunt, and the Mulek Maurader.

Genuine Tumbaga Plates - They look like real gold but are actually a light weight gold & copper alloy. Keep your journal the way the Nephites did! (Engraving stylus and stone storage box sold separately)- 03/20/2004 - anonymous


Planet Kolob house band The Road Show Rejects sings their greatest hits:

*Called to Perv
*We thank thee oh God for a profit
*Praise to the hand
*If I could be high on Kolob
*Lay down Fanny
*Polygamy Polka
*You've lost that burning feeling - 03/20/2004 - anon

New Mormon Restaurant Chain

08/21/2004 - by Ken Roach

An idea for a chain of non-pretentious Utah restaurants.

The name of these restaurants: The Steak Center ("Where There's Never a Dry, Boring Meating!"). Each Steak Center will have one enormous dining area with basketball hoops at either end, and folding metal chairs and long tables covered in plastic.

The waiters will be 12 and 13 year-old boys wearing white shirts and their fathers' ties, and at the end of the night, the customers will be asked to help fold up the chairs and tables and vacuum the floor.

The main menu items will be the Porterhouse Rockwell Steak, the Primary Rib and the Poor Wayfaring Pan of Beef, garnished with Parsley P. Pratt, but we'll also have, when it's in season, Eliza R. Snow Crab, and a whole line of "And It Came to Pasta", including Kraft Moroni & Cheese.

Additionally, we'll have breakfast items, including Pearl of Puffed Rice and Frosted Minivans, as well as Adam-ondi-Omelettes, and "In Our Lovely Desserts", including Fast Sundaes, Gadianton Cobbler and the sinful Laman Meringue Pie.

Menu Items

Zions Camp Platter - Dine like the men of Zions Camp! Platter includes: coarse bread, rancid butter, cornmeal mush, strong honey, raw pork, rotten ham and maggot-infested bacon and cheese! - 08/21/2004 - anon

Brigham's bearded clam chowder - This succulent dish contains more soft chewy clams than one man should legally be allowed to enjoy. It is covered in a creamy white Cum-mor-ah sauce that is sure to give strength to your loins and sinews. If your clams are cold, old and tough, just steal a fresh hot dish of chowder from a lower ranking priesthood holder! - 05/22/2004 - anon

No Man Knows My Pastry - Desserts to "die for".

Nauvoo Temple Tossed Salad - built on a base of neo-classic romaine lettuce and topped off with star fruit, and yellow tomatoes bursting like the sun over top of the bowl. The salad is topped off with a fiery French dressing that explodes into a tornado of flavor in your mouth. - 04/15/2004 - anon

Mahonri Moriancumr Meatloaf - made with 100% FDA approved ground curelom. Comes with our special Jared smashed potatoes and tethered fig leaves.

And for dessert, try our City of Enoch Souffle. Your taste buds will be translated, but you better eat fast. Like the City of Zarahemla, it could rise and fall in one lifetime. - 03/20/2004 - activejackmormon

Blood-of-Thy-Son Mary - Like a Bloody Mary but prepared with vodka of thine own make that has been blessed and sanctified to the souls of all those who partake of it.

Rack of Laman and Lemuel - all dark meat

And, of course, our burgers come with New and Everlasting Condiments. - 03/20/2004 - straay

Bishop's Buffet - In order to be admitted to the buffet you will have to answer a series of questions to ascertain your worthiness to receive the bounties of the Lord. Cost: 10% of your income.

Omni Hors D'oeuvres - a variety of tiny tidbits of little substance, questionable nutritional value, and rather bland in flavor, composed of filler material and some connective tissues. - 03/20/2004 - He-lemon

Head of Laban platter - the severed head of a pig steeped in wine and delivered into your hands by the will of the Lord. For behold it is better that one pig should die than a large family should dwindle and perish from hunger.

Porter Rockwell whiskey - Wild untamed liquor that does not mix well with other drinks. One shot is sufficient to induce visions of the destroying angel. This brand has been linked to at least one hundred deaths. Not available in Arkansas

Zelph - a dry white zinfandel of ancient vintage, made by separating the pure and delightsome white juice from the dark red skin. Where as most zinfandel possess a strong, rich full bodied intensity of flavor, this wine is more bare bones in its presentation. - 04/19/2004 - from He-lemon

Fancher Party Fondue - a great treat for those Indian costume dress up ward dinner parties. Served on miniature bayonets dipped in melted mountain meadow holy cheese along with virgin Bloody Mary's. - 03/19/2004 - cricket

Kinderhook beer - a tall dark beer that was purported to be based on an ancient Egyptian beer recipe but was latter revealed to be of more modern origins.

The daughters of Ishmael platter - three tender young breasts of pheasant, duck, and chicken, flavored with a unique blend of Mediterranean and oriental seasonings, sauteed slowly with a dry heat before being placed on a divinely inspired raft of bamboo shoots.

The Abish seafood salad - While those around you are lying on the floor as if dead from a high carb induced slumber, this tasty salad will make you feel alive and full of energy. - 03/19/2004 - anonymous

Pay Lay Ale Battered Chub - As succulent as a general relief society president, enjoy the fullness of your palette with consecrated ale battered trash fish.

Polygamy Pork Loin - Marinated in our special manifesto sauce, these pork loins will make you come back for seconds and thirds and even fourths.

Moses Manna Muffins- Made from drowned Egyptians, our muffins will fill you with wrath and righteous indignation. Warning: eat these and you may not see the Promised Land. - 03/19/2004 - activejackmormon

Filleted Corban Trout - smothered in a Creamy Garment Sauce - 03/20/2004 - (2 of 6)

Feast of Ammon - a heaping pile of severed chicken wings covered in our blood red curleom (or in other words buffalo) sauce. The taste will cut through your taste buds like cold steel.

Vegetarian Feast of Ammon - For those of you following the Word of Wisdoms admonition to avoid meat except in times of famine, we will substitute elbow macaroni covered in our special spaghetti sauce that is spiced with a special blend of seeds of every kind from the old world, and which have grown exceedingly well on this the American Continent. - 03/19/2004 - anon

3rd Nephi Nachos - This spicy dish will have your bowels rumbling as if from a mighty earthquake. This is soon followed by the release of a mist of darkness and stench so thick that you will be unable to see you hand in front of your face. This mist of darkness has been known to last up to 3 days before dissipating and revealing the wide spread destruction and death that it has wreaked on the environment. - 03/16/2004 - anon

Kolob Cream Pie - One bite and your mouth will feel like it's been kissed by a goddess. This dessert is so righteous and beloved that its true recipe has never been revealed. (These dishes are also being itemized in the Dictionary of Mormonia)

Endowed Endive Salad - These tender white and delightsome leaves have been gently washed and anointed by hand with the purest of consecrated olive oil. The rich nutrients contained in this salad serve as a shield and protection against heart disease and cancer.

J. Golden - hot chocolate mixed with coffee

Captain Moroni Manicotti - Big slices of kosher beef stuffed into a golden armor of gourmet Italian semolina pasta. Your hunger will be liberated and your taste buds will cry surrender in response to it's righteous conquest of flavor.

Mormon Gazpacho - A marriage of rich and powerful flavors with a choice selection of fresh, spicy, young tidbits. This recipe was secretly developed in Illinois, later to be openly promoted in UT. Government sanctions forced production to move to Mexico. It is served cold in keeping with the original admonition of the Word of Wisdom. (Warning: has been linked to psychotic episodes, delusions of grandeur, and death)

Mormon Cricket Cola - sickeningly sweet beverage that produces a strong buzz followed by heartburn. (Warning- The after taste of the artificial sweetener may induce uncontrolled vomiting all over the side of the nearest mountain.) - 03/09/2004 - anon

Martha Stewart's Moroni Macaroni - This recipe, formerly shared only with insiders is now being trumpeted and served at your nearest K-Mart kitchen. Drenched in disappearing golden plated butter and sprinkled with curelom condiments, goes well with funeral casseroles and green Jell-O. Caution: This dish is so heavenly that it often is swept skyward as if by an angel. - 01/27/2004 - anon

Alma the Younger hi-ball - will take away your strength for two days.

Abinidai Kabobs - you are informed about how sinful the dish is and then it is roasted over an open flame in front of you.

Golden Plate Special - Let's see, what else can we dig up?.

Golden Plate Special - you can only eat it with your spiritual mouth.

Golden Plate Special - sounds heavy but the chef says it is actually quite light.

Shiz beer - you have to fight to get it down and as soon as you do it comes right back up. - 12/30/2003 - anon

"Elohim" at the veil to a Gay temple patron: "Hey buddy, there only FIVE points of fellowship, not six!" - 09/05/2003 - from Connell the Barbarian

Pick Up Lines From Planet Kolob's Judgment Bar & Grill

concept by Steve Benson
At the Mo Saloon - Mormon Saloon

What's your sure sign?

Don't I remember you from the pre-existence?

I'm your D.I. kind of guy.

I love your perfume. What is it: Essence of Cracked Wheat?

You can call me Mellow Jello.

Let's share patriarchal blessing fortune cookies.

You're from Ephraim, too?

I just love it when you talk garments to me.

Let's go up to my apartment--and I'll show you my tithing receipts.

Your planet or mine?

Bartender, bring a Sprite for the lady.

Woman: I never kiss on the first date.
Guy: OK, how about a little Five Points of Fellowship? - 03/07/2003 - Steve Benson

We could make some beautiful spirit babies together. - 03/07/2003 - Shakjula

Are those garmies you're wearing or are your panties just all knotted up? - 03/07/2003 - Julio

Let's go back to my place and I will show you the more sure sign of the nailed.

If this buckboards' rockin', don't come knockin'! (and that goes double for you Brig) - 03/07/2003 - The Outlaw Josey Smith

Can I buy you a ROOT beer? - 03/07/2003 - mary ann benson

That's the most beautiful CTR ring I've ever seen! - 03/07/2003 - Troy

What's your calling (in the Ward)?

Where'd you serve (your mission)?

Do you want to hold the priesthood?

What's a sweet spirit like you doing in a Telestial place like this?

You must be translated, because I've never seen a more Celestial Body.

Will you bare your testimony to me?

Whoa, Now you're what I call a Ten-Cow Woman!

If I told you you had a Celestial Body, would you hold it against me?

How many children shall we have together?

Wanna see my Temple Reccomend? - 03/07/2003 - JohnnyRansom

Pay Lay Ale nectar from Planet Kolob

You can hold my priesthood any day, baby... - 03/07/2003 - spinner

So, you wanna get pregnant?

I'm one well-endowed member. - 03/07/2003 - bob

Would you like to see my iron rod? - 03/07/2003 - John

Can I pay for your lay ale? - 03/07/2003 - dorko

Do you want to come home with me? Bow your head and say, "Yes." - 03/07/2003 - Stray Mutt

You look like an endowed member. Wanna live the higher law? - 03/07/2003 - Fly

I'm an RM....
...and the Molly Mormon response would be ...My body is a temple -- and YOU don't have a Recommend! - 03/07/2003 - EBJ and InfidelCowboy

I bet I can guess your temple name. - 03/07/2003 - Saucie

"You're in relief society? Cool....I could use a little relief!" - 03/07/2003 - Bordon H. Ginkley

I'll bet you look so hot with a veil over your face

You could definitely make my calling and erection made sure

Want to go to my place and use my 48 hour kit?

I only give fast offerings on Sunday, other days I like to go slow

I'm the keeper of the secret passed down from my great-great grandfather Brigham Young on how a woman should properly be washed and annointed.

Didn't I sign an autograph for you when I was playing for the Cardinals?

Your body isn't one of those McTemples. It's a complete house of "oh my lord".

And some that unfortunately might really work:

Hi, my father is a GA

Want to go to conference, I've got good seats

Didn't we meet in the president's box at a BYU game?

I'm Steve Young's little brother

I'm Steve Young's third cousin, twice removed

When I saw you I got a burning in my (lower) bosom

Wanna combine our genealogies? - 03/07/2003 - Barney Gumble

Is that the Liahona in your pocket, or are you just glad so see me? - 03/07/2003 - ExMormonRon

Is that a sign of your priesthood, or are you just happy to see me? - 03/07/2003 - May West

Now that's what I call a well-tabernacled spirit! - 03/07/2003 - hk112358

I had a vision that you will be my wife.

My mother is Welsh and my father is Hungarian so that makes me Well Hung. - 03/07/2003 - John

I think this is a SURE sign I should nail you! - 03/07/2003 - ExMormonRon

Hey baby, I think that the sisters should be able to hold the priesthood all they want; wanna hold mine? - 03/07/2003 - Ex Caliber

Hey babe, I've been checking you out from across the room....with my "spiritual eyes" - 03/07/2003 - TheLastROLO

psssst.... I'm wearing my crotchless garmies tonite... and I think my flap is open - 03/07/2003 - Sandyslc

Hey you're a history major at BYU? Let's pretend you're the Territory of Utah and my Johnson's an army...

Elohim dammit! Not again. Don't look now but my Bishop just walked in...let's get out of're place or mine?

Excuse me...I seem to have lost 116 pages of a book I was writing...any chance they might be over at your place? wouldn't happen to be a descendant of Fanny Alger?

Wow babe? You sure as the sign of the nail don't need a second endowment.

Guy: Hey out for GHB in your O'Douls.
Gal: GHB? Watch our for Gordon B Hinckley?
Guy: No, GHB, that's the date rape drug.
Gal: That's okay, I fall asleep after a dose of either one.

Guy: Hey sweet sister...let me annoint that Garden of Eden fig leaf apron of yours.
Gal: Oh, that's vile!
Guy: How'd you know I've got a vile of consecrated olive oil in my pocket.
Gal: Geez, Annoint yourself, if it prevents premature ejaculation!

Excuse me sweet spirit but I think we were for-ordained for each other...kinda like green Jell-o and shredded carrotts. - 03/07/2003 - cricket

"Hey, you want the chance to screw forever? Then let me bare my testimony to you now, baby!" - 03/07/2003 - Matt


Lime Jello with shredded carrots and raisins is a tasty treat. Also punch/juice so diluted that there's hardly any COLOR in it! Funeral potatoes are always a Mormon delicacy- along with popcorn balls and ZCMI pastries. - 10/24/2002 - from I'm the same Post-Mormonist poster that I was 5 min. ago....

Family Home Evening Special... Mondays only! All 4 sister-wives get a ProphetBurger and a tall frosty mug of root beer. The polygamist husband gets a swell Test-a-Bony hot dog with all the dressings. All 49 children get a Joseph Smith Jr. meal, with "melk". All for the amazing price of a Celestial brainwashing and annointing. - 10/24/2002 - from Been there, done that & rejected it... F*** mormonism!!

And you can wash it all down with a frosty Moessers Beer! - 10/21/2002 - from formermoron

Nephite Burger: All sold out now, except for three burnt ones. - 10/19/2002 - from Cody

Mormon Friendburger
2 patties of fresh harrassment
1 slice of "when you gonna get dunked"
Comes with side of unlimited missionary farewell green jello, and unlimited cookie packages for your mission. - 10/19/2002 - from Cody


courtesy of Playelder Magazine


Menu Item Description
WELFARE FARMBURGER We're not going to do it for you. Get back here and make it yourself!!
TEMPLEBURGER We can't tell you what's in it. It's secret -- I mean, sacred.
POLYGAMYBURGER FRIDAYS Buy 1 and get 5 more for an extra $1.
REVELATIONBURGER If you don't like it, then we'll change it, guaranteed!
HOWARD W. HUNTERBURGER It fell down on the floor, but we picked it up, brushed it off, and put it back. 10% off if you're a full tithepayer.
LAMANITEBURGER Not as good as the rest. A little darker in color.
BURNING IN THE BOSOMBURGER Comes with extra spicy chili, McMorgburgers secret sauce, and a bottle of Tums.
PAUL H. DUNNBURGER We were originally told it was a featured item at Wendy's, but when we asked Dave Thomas about it, he said it was never there and he didn't know anything about it.
JOSEPH SMITH JR MEAL Great for the kids! Comes with a story in a secret code and a miniature urim and thummim so the kids can translate it and find out what the secret message says! Hours of fun!
ELDERBURGER MONDAYS 2 for the price of 1.
WORD OF WISDOMBURGER Has 57 essential vitamins and minerals. Guaranteed to give you health in the navel and marrow in the bones
TBMBURGER Made of squished up rolly polly bugs, excreted tapeworms, and big long elephant boogers. But since management tells you its good, you will eat it, you will like it, and you will go forth and tell others how good it is and how they need one, too. If for some reason you are not satisfied, it is because you have sinned and are in dire need of repentance.
FOODSTORAGEBURGER Guaranteed 20 year shelf life. Be prepared! Buy a whole case!
CONVERTBURGER Used to be known as a Big Mac, but now available only at McMorgburgers!
GARMENTBURGER All pickles, onions, lettuce, and tomatos may NOT be taken off!!!!!
PROPHETBURGER Made fresh last week. It might be old, but its still good.
Buy 10 and give them all to your friends. Tell them where you got it and how wonderful the food at McMorgburgers is. Management is not responsible for friends lost. They simply never were your true friends.
APOSTATEBURGER No longer available at McMorgburgers. Go to Burger King and then repent of your misdeed.
SATURDAY'S WARRIORBURGER Comes with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of cheese.
APOSTLEBURGER Comes with collectible cup. Collect all 12 and have the whole quorum!!!
ADAM-GODBURGER Said to be available until last week, however, management claims it was never made or sold at McMorgburgers.
BOOK OF ABRAHAMBURGER Originally claimed by management to be imported from Egypt, until it was discovered to have been available at Buckin' Bill's Bar and Grill all along. McMorgburger still has them, and management still claims they're imported from Egypt.
J. GOLDEN KIMBALLBURGER The best goddamn burger you'll ever find in these here parts, guaranteed. If not satisfied, then to hell with you, ya sonofabitch!!!!!!!
PATRIARCHAL BLESSINGBURGER We get to guess what you want. If we're wrong, its because you sinned and need to repent!!!
BOOK OF MORMONBURGER Made of 100% USRDA inspected grown in America bull.
FULLNESS OF THE GOSPELBURGER Contains absolutely every single ingredient neccessary for the best possible burger the way they were meant to be. Available only at McMorgburgers! Accept no false burgers!!
GREAT AND ABOMINABLE WHORE OF THE WORLDBURGER Not sold at McMorgburger. Readily available at any other establishment preparing false burgers for the leading astray of all mankind.
ENDOWMENTBURGER Used to be available only at McMasons until we stole it from them. Ours is better, too!
GOLDEN PLATEBURGER Sorry, the recipe was taken back to Heaven.
TESTIMONEYBURGER We will give you an empty styrofoam container, but if you don't confess that you "feel" the presence of a burger, you will be viewed with great suspicion.
ADAM-ONDI-AHMENBURGER Pay now, get your burger in the end of times! Comes with plastic Moroni toy.
. .

Thank you for your order. Would you like fries with that? Do you like to read? What do you know about the Mormons? Would you like to know more? Thank you. Pull up to the veil, please.


Blackened Cain-fish - 05/25/2002 - anon

"Please be alert, attentive, and reverent while we read you tonight's specials."

The waiters could wear green aprons, and the chef could wear a real temple "baker's hat". Every worker gets a missionary name tag.

Instead of "smoking or non?" they could ask you if you want celestial or telestial seating.

You could have fortune cookies with your "new name" inside. - 05/19/2002 - from January

Elohambergers - 04/23/2002 - anon

Shish-Kolob - 04/14/2002 - from Elder Barry Wyon

Jell-O salads you'll never see in an lds "cultural" hall...

04/01/2002 - breeze


3 cups fresh blood orange or navel orange sections
2 envelopes unflavored gelatin
2 cups fresh orange juice, divided
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups champagne
1 (5-ounce) package mixed greens
3 cups sliced fresh strawberries

ARRANGE orange sections in a lighty oiled 8- to 10- cup ring mold; set aside
SPRINKLE gelatin or 1/2 cup orange juice in a large bowl; stir and let stand 1 minute.
BRING remaining 1 1/2 cups orange juice and sugar to a boil in a small saucepan, stirring constantly; stir into gelatin mixture. Stir in champagne. Chill until consistency of unbeaten egg white; pour over orange sections in mold. cover and chill 8 hours.
UNMOLD salald onto a serving plate lined with salad greens. Place strawberries in center of mold.

Yield; 12 servings.


2 (16-ounce) can pitted cark sweet cherries Water
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 cup water
2 (3-ounce) packages cherry-flavored gelatin
1 cup red wine (such as Pinot Noir or Merlot)
Vegetable cooking spray

DRAIN cherries, reserving syrup. Set cherries aside. Add enough water (about 1 cup) to syrup to measure 2 1/2 cups liquid. Bring liquid to a boil in a small saucepan.

SPRINKLE unflavored gelatin over 1/4 cup water in a small bowl or liquid measuring cup; let stand 1 minute.

COMBINE cherry-flavored gelatin and boiling liquid in a large bowl; stir in unflavored gelatin mixture. Stir 2 minutes or until gelatin dissolves. Stir in wine. Chill mixture 1 1/2 hours or until consistency of unbeaten egg white.

GENTLY fold in reserved cherries. Pour mixture into a 7-cup mold lightly coated with cooking spray. Cover and chill 8 hours or overnight. Unmold onto a platter, and serve with sour cream, mascarpone, or creme fraiche.

Yield: 8 servings.

Beats lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple anyday!

Jell-0 Shooters

Last time my wife and I were in New Orleans we ate dinner at Pat O'Brians and also partook of their world famous Hurricanes. When we exited onto Bourbon St., I saw a big sign for Jello Shots. Well being the longtime mormon that I was, I couldn't resist the 3 for $2. Just loved 'em. Had several rounds.

When I got home, I got on the internet and found: Jell-O Shooters

Now I'm making my own at home.

I'm telling you, these should be Utah's State Shooter. - 04/01/2002 - fossil man

Kid's Meal:
Moroni Baloney Sandwich. Served after milk - 03/23/2002 - anon

For dinner do they serve corn on the kolob? - 01/25/2002 - Emmawasrightitsacrock

Zarahemla Zinger
6 oz. apple juice
1 oz. vodka
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
squeeze of lemon juice (to taste)
Shake ingredients well; pour over ice in highball glasses. Makes 2 servings. (Bottoms up, Boyd Packer!) - 02/15/2002 - anon

Drink Recipes for Exmos

12/21/2001 by Jerry the Aspousetate

When you have decided every member in your ward is a
3/4 oz. light rum
3/4 oz. Meyer's Rum
3/4 ox. Don Q Gold Rum
3/4 oz. sweet-and-sour mix
3/4 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. pineapple juice
1/2 oz. grenadine
1/4 oz. 151-proof rum (float)
Build in bucket glass with crushed ice. Float rum. Garnish with red cherry and orange slice.

And you have seen the morg is nothing but a
1 1/4 oz. sloe gin
Orange juice
Build in highball glass with cubed ice. Fill with orange juice.

And you know Joseph Smith was a
1 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. Galliano
Build in a rock glass with cubed ice.

And you think of your Bishop as
1 1/4 oz. tequila
2 1/2 oz. orange juice
1/2 oz. Galliano
Build in collins glass with cubed ice.

To you, each member of the Quorum of Seventy looks like a
1/2 oz. Galliano
1/2 oz. white creme de cacao
1/2 oz. cognac
1 scoop ice cream
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into bucket glass.

Causing you nothing but
1 oz. scotch
1 oz. Kahlua
1 oz. heavy cream
Build in highball glass with cubed ice.

Then, dump the morg and see the world as a
1 oz. rum
3/4 oz. creme de bananes
1 oz. coconut milk
1 oz. orange juice
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into bucket glass. Garnish with red cherry and orange slice.

While you follow your
3/4 oz. Galliano
3/4 oz. white creme de cacao
1/2 oz. orange juice
1 1/2 oz. heavy cream
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into sour glass.

1 1/4 oz. vodka
1 1/4 oz. sweet-and-sour mix
Cold beer
Build in collins glass with cubed ice. Fill with beer.

You can now be anything you like. A Catholic, atheist, or even a
1 1/4 oz. bourban
Ginger ale
Build in highball glass with cubed ice. Fill 1/2 with ginger ale, 1/2 with soda. Garnish with lemon twist.

Start submitting jokes to created by
3/4 oz. Vandermint
3/4 oz. white creme de cacao
1 1/2 oz. heavy cream
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into wine glass.

If your Stake President, the
3/4 oz. 151-proof rum
1/4 oz. Metaxa
Serve in shot glass. Recommended dosage; two per evening.

Knocks on your door to get you back, inform him you decided if you didn't stop paying tithing you had no hope of becoming a
1 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. curacao
1 egg white
Dash of grenadine
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into cocktail glass.

And tell him now that you don't have to answer stupid questions about your sex life, things are much better
3/4 oz. rum
3/4 oz. brandy
1/2 oz triple sec
1 1/2 oz. sweet-and-sour mix
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into cocktail glass.

If he won't leave your property after that, just call him a
3 1/4 oz. brandy
3/4 oz. Kahlua
Build in rock glass with crushed ice.

And show him a
1 oz. bourbon
1/4 oz. curacao

1 1/4 oz. sweet-and-sour mix
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into cocktail glass. Garnish with red cherry.

Then slam the door in his face. And don't feel sorry for him even if he screams like a
3/4 oz. creme de bananes
3/4 oz. white creme de cacao
1 1/2 oz. heavy cream
1/2 banana (optional)
Blend with crushed ice. Pour into wine glass.

Post your story on and know that now life is
3/4 oz.cognac
3/4 oz. amaretto
Build in rock glass with cubed ice.


08/11/2001 - from Real

Polygamy Stew - Several young tomatoes stired up with one old cauliflower. No longer available.

Order the crow instead.

08/11/2001 - from Quevedo

Curlemom stew, Cumom pie.

NOT on the menu:
Beaver or Sausage. See Between Husband & Wife : Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen E. Lamb, Douglas E. Brinley

Cheese Binds Up The Saints

08/11/2001 - anon

......whatsoever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatsoever you loose on earth shall be loosened in heaven... DC 127:7 & DC 128:8

Back when I was a kid, I got a job out in Utah working in a cheese factory. Bro. de B-----, a Dutch convert to Mormonism was the production manager. He had come to Zion to make the world’s best cheese to nourish the Saints of God. He was a big old ornery hard-headed guy; demanding of perfection, and he often yelled at us in Dutch.

At first I hated the guy, but after a short time I realized he was the only person in the entire factory that actually knew what he was doing and no problem ever got resolved until he got involved. So I started tattling to him as soon as anything went wrong and not try to hide my mistakes or anyone else’s. Oh, he would holler, but the little problems did not turn into big problems and we were all better off for it.

I became about his only friend, not that he seemed like the kind of guy that needed a single friend. When he had control though, we made some mighty good cheese.

The plant owners and supervisors were a bunch of Stake Presidents and Bishops and High Councilors. In fact the entire factory was almost all Mormons but you would never know it from their actions. These higher up mucky-mucks were so nice and professional in their expensive suits and ties, just like the General Authorities in Salt Lake. But they were cheating the farmers they got the milk from and stealing from their vendors and customers in a thousand subtle ways and they lied so much to the government inspectors it was unbelievable.

The ones who were not fooling around with their secretaries had a stack of Playboy magazines in their desk drawer beneath the latest issue of the Ensign. These double-talking, back-stabbing bunch of thieves blamed Bro. de B---- for everything that went wrong.

He had been getting more and more disguised with them for many years but I think a turning point came one day. The Bishop's son provoked his son into a fist-fight at church and this resulted in him getting kicked off the school basketball team. Bro de B---- told me he was going to quit and go work for Kraft.

The company president told him he was free to leave anytime he wanted, they would even help him find another job. But he could never work in the cheese business again anywhere in the US or Canada because as part of his contract when he was hired and given a big commission bonus and they moved him half way around the world, he could not reveal company secrets. They claimed the company basically owned his knowledge base of how to make cheese.

Poor Bro. de B---- actually believed this crap. After all, his church leaders (who he knew were lying to everyone else) wouldn't lie to him. And his teenage kids sure didn't want to go back to Holland to stricter schools since they had mostly forgotten how to speak Dutch.

I never understood why they didn't just leave the old Dutchman alone and let him make the cheese. He would have made them rich. But they had to take control and they didn't know what the hell they were doing so the abuse continued and grew worse day by day.

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Bro. de B---- told us that he had to fumigate the plant. He was giving us an extra day off for the long week-end and he didn't want anyone to come around the place for 5 days. As I left work kinda late, I noticed Bro. de B---- unloading these big 80,000 lb tankers of milk all by himself. How thoughtful of him, I thought, to let the other guys go home early to their families. I waved at him and he told me to get out of there.

Bro de B---- took all that milk and made up this mix of fast setting cheese food with these new enzymes. Who knows how he did it. Then somehow he pumped it into the water system while it was still liquid and he pumped it into every pipe and piece of machinery in the whole damn plant. He got it into the refrigeration system and the compressors and the boilers. He even got it into the toilets and the sprinkling system in the lawn and into every floor drain and a foot deep on top of the septic tanks. He had to be a genius to figure out how to do this all by himself.

He turned the heat up in the plant to about 120F so that by the time we came back to work on Monday the mix had set up into something that resembled bubblegum. It was the damnedest mess I have ever seen. We called it "Dutch cheese" and it was sticky, greasy, rubbery, noxious stuff. It was too thick to pump, we couldn't melt it, or freeze it, and there was no way we could get rid of it. We had to tear everything down to the last screw and rip out every last pipe and scrape that stuff out by hand.

After a few days it started to smell like a dead animal. The city dump wouldn't take it and they had to ship most it off somewhere. We didn't get back to full production for more than a year and even after three years when I left more of this "Dutch cheese" would turn up somewhere else every few days and stop production for up to half a day.

Bro. de B---- must have packed his household goods in a rental tuck some time during that long weekend and he disappeared. Every once in a while I would get a crank phone call from him. He would pretend to be someone else, a salesman or something. I would tell him the latest problems we were having with his "Dutch cheese" and he would just laugh and laugh and laugh. I think he left the church and he had nothing good to say about the Mormons in Utah.

I know from personal experience that eating too much cheese binds up your bowels tight as a drum. I don't know by what Priesthood power or ordinance Bro. de B---- bound up that cheese factory. But I hope that he did it in heaven at the same time so that when all those wicked Mormons who worked in the cheese factory get to the next life that they will have to spend a thousand years cleaning complex mechanical equipment of something like "Dutch cheese."

07/16/2001 - Brigham Smith

Today's Special: Veal Couplet (10% Off)

07/16/2001 - anon

to be served on golden plates

06/05/2001 - exmony

Now serving:

Horse meat
Elephant roast
camel hump
and a variety of other delicacies that didn't exist in the pre-Columbian Americas like the BOM says.

Non alcoholic drinks only served at the Joseph Smith Original Nauvoo bar:(Unless you're a G.A.)

Salt Lake (Shirley) Temple

Logan (Shirley) Temple

Holy Water available upon request

05/28/2001 - from utah with love

Salad - The Meadow Mountain Massacre

Pasta - Moroni and Cheese

03/22/2000 - Laby DB

Don't forget that the walls and entryways are decorated with actual bootie from days of yore: gold plates, Liahona's, Laban's sword, architectural blueprints of familiar Aztec and Mayan temples, and so forth.

Actually, this may be one place where there are enough toilets for the women.

Some of the menu at Planet Kolob:

Ziti a la Zarahemla
King Benjamin Pancakes (a high stack, can actually use for a podium)
Broiled Filet of King Noah (or better - Blackened Filet Noah)
Coriantumr Stew
Laban's Roast Goat (everything but the head)
Lamanite Pan Fried Chicken (dark meat only) (rather loathsome)

Food is served by tanned young warrior striplings wearing only breechclouts and MAYBE a name tag, but where would they pin it? (Where every night is Ladies Night!)

One may purchase a cookbook of the culinary delights labeled "Secret Combinations of our Seasoned Celestial Delights"

Now on to the Bar and Lounge area. Oh, I've got a headache.

Comment Section

Good God, I haven't laughed this LOUD or this hard EVER in my life!!! It's great being a EX mormon!!!!!! Thanks for the FUN... - 05/20/2013 - Helen


garmentburger - 04/28/2010 - anon


How about the Pink Panty Burger for all of you twits who can leave the church, but you can't quite leave the church alone. Trade in those garments for what you "men" should really be wearing: pink little panties. - 03/25/2009 - Lone Danite


This is funny shit. Thanks for the laugh. - 12/21/2008 - Chris Plummer


I really wish someone would make General Authority action figures! ...with "laying on of hands" action lever or what other features can you think of? - 08/09/2006 - KolobRealestate


Brigham's bearded clam chowder - This succulent dish contains more soft chewy clams than one man should legally be allowed to enjoy. It is covered in a creamy white "Cum"-mor-ah sauce that is sure to give strength to your loins and sinews.

I laughed at Cum and the rest of the sentence, because it sounds erotic!!! - 07/30/2006 - Jay


Do you really have this much hate for a group of people that you have to go to such great lengths to make them look bad? If you were talking about Muslims you'd be under a magnifying glass by the ACLU. Where's the equality??? Keep pushing your hate and doing the work of the devil... - 07/20/2006 - Joe


Hey Joe, I'm a card-carrying Mormon and I think this is funny as hello. Is humor really such a stranger to you? ------ - 02/16/2009 - MUNGAGUNGADIN


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