A smiling, relaxed Turley noted that "there's an old saying: 'If two people think the same way, one of them is
redundant'. We've come to feel that way about lds.org and the Salamander site".
Steven Clark, web administrator for the Salamander site, said he received a call from Turley several days ago in
which the church spokesman raised the possibility of joining forces.
"I have to say, I was shocked. But Bro. Turley said, 'Well listen - this Joseph Smith BYU Nativity thing...you know
what I mean?'. I said, 'Yeah - the church has gotten so bizarre over the past few years what with Hinckley lying
about doctrine, the apologetic crack-up, the two and three Cumorahs and stuff, that it's literally become impossible
to tell anymore what's parody, and what's real'. And he said, 'Exactly - and the brethren realize this.
So why don't we just join forces?'. And when you think about it, Joseph's whole church from the get go almost
seems like a parody of religion. I think it's just been a very natural evolution to this point."
Clark said that while specific details of the deal will remain confidential, the church had agreed to provide
funding and technincal support in return for Clark's help in designing graphics and writing exegetical essays for lds.org.
"With all the jokes about Mormons progressively deifying Joseph Smith", said Clark, "who would ever have
imagined a 2005 Joseph Smith nativity scene at BYU? With a plaque saying, 'let's not forget about Joseph
just because it's December'? Baby Joseph in a cradle, next to a Christmas tree? Neither I nor my supposedly
evil apostate friends could have done a better job than the church at parodying itself. I have to
say 'bravo, well done'. It is nice to see the church finally display a sense of humor about itself".
In a related story, LDS apologetic research group FARMS is preparing to merge with defenders of
Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam. The new group will be called "Muhammad FARMS", and already has its own
website: www.noi.org (scroll down the left side of the page, click on "Muhammad Farms")
though Mormon material has yet to be placed on the site.
"I am, shall I say, a noted Islamicist", remarked FARMS researcher DonLee C. Peterson, author of the
classic apologetic book, "Anything Can Become Anything". "Both Mormonism and Islam, particularly the
Farrakhanian variety, share many similarities, particularly in how we defend our beliefs. We are always
interested in ecumenism and are excited about the opportunity to work with fellow brilliant Ph.D's like
Dr. Ridgely Abdul Mu’min, author
of 'Dear So-Called White People'".
When asked about the possibility of an eventual supermerger between FARMS, the Salamander Society, LDS.org, the
Nation of Islam team, and perhaps other organizations like
www.cropcircleresearch.com and www.sasquatchodyssey.com, Peterson
seemed shocked. "NO - I don't see that happening
at all. You have entirely mischaracterized our position. You are taking things out of context.
That is not what I said. We answered that long ago. I am like Sisyphus, rolling a stone forever
upwards. The jury is still out. I don't see it that way at all. Everyone has a paradigm. The burden of
proof is on everyone who disagrees with me, to prove to me I'm wrong, because I already know I'm not, because I
already know everyone else is wrong".
Upon being informed of Peterson's response, Clark and Turley both said, "See what we mean?"
Stay tuned for further updates, or provide them yourselves below...
November 23, 2005
Widely revered by members of the Church of
Jesus Christ, commonly known as Mormons, as a prophet, seer, revelator, Mr. Hinckley
spoke to the young men of the Mormon church last night in a satellite broadcast
from the Conference Center in downtown Salt Lake City, in what was expected to be
nothing more than a typical Mormon speech involving emphasis on guilt, Church control
of personal behavior and appearance, and denial of foundational Church doctrines.
Appearing somewhat frustrated as he tried to read the words "Isn't it marvelous,
isn't it wonderful" off the teleprompter screen for the 16th time during the sermon,
Mr. Hinckley looked directly into the camera and said "Screw it. Let's just set
the record straight before I die," prompting chortles of laughter throughout the
Conference Center audience. One young audience member later commented, "I didn't
know what we were laughing about, but that's just what you're supposed to do when
the prophet says something that sounds like it's supposed to be funny."
Hinckley went on to outline the new and improved version of the six B's, which led
to a chorus of gasps of disbelief, intermingled with shouts of joy. "As I've traveled
the globe these past years, I've found that my original 6 B's were just not really
making a difference," Hinckley said. "So I've made a few changes. Now listen carefully.
First, Be Grateful that that God gave you hands with which to masturbate, use them
and enjoy yourselves! Second, Be Smart when it comes to deciding whether or not
to commit your lives to a cult, don't do it! Third, Be Clean, hygienically speaking-
that you might increase your chances of getting laid in the prime years of your
life. I say use it or lose it! Fourth, Be True to yourselves, not to this silly
church. Fifth, Be Humble enough to admit you all were a bunch of morons for really
believing that I was a prophet. Sixth, Be Prayerful, how about we just drop this
one from the list? God doesn't listen to us anyway." A stunned Thomas Monson, a member of the First Presidency, concluded the meeting
and dismissed the crowd of shell-shocked young men, with the standard plea to drive
safely during the return trip home. Monson later commented, "I know the church isn't
true either, but it's not like I stand up and tell the whole world about it."
Chaos broke out in the streets of downtown Salt Lake City soon after, as sexually
repressed young men began masturbating in public and roaming in search of their
first female conquest. Many of the older youth expressed their anger at having followed
the original 6 B's for so long. One 17 year-old boy commented, "This is so unfair.
I could have been having fun all these years if the new 6 B's had come out when
I was like 13 or something."
Church spokesman Dale Bills had no immediate comment, but scholar and Mormon apologist
Daniel C. Peterson, in a phone interview, was quick to point out that "President
Hinckley may have been speaking only as a man, and not as a prophet."
According an insider at the Church Office Building, who spoke
on condition of anonymity, Packer plans to add Gordon Hinckley as the fourth major
threat to Church. "He's actually been wanting to add the Hinckley to his 'axis of
evil' for quite some time now, and has just been biding his time, waiting the opportunity
to present itself," said the church employee. "It appears his time has come."
November 20, 2005
According to an anonymous source, the translating session was
conducted in the upper room of the Salt Lake Temple on July 28,
2005. President Hinckley was surrounded by his counselors and
other apostles.
"President Hinckley placed the piece of papyrus and the seer stone
into the hat and then swung his face down into the hat," said our
source. "However, his nose hit the seer stone pretty hard and he
had to take a five minute break to stop a nosebleed."
The second attempt apparently went smoother. Once the hat was
over his face, he was asked if he could see anything. However, it
was reported that all they heard were muffled gurgling noises.
"It was awful," said the observer. "Heck, we couldn't hear a dang
thing."
President Hinckley was checked by his personal physician.
According to medical records that we have obtained, he suffered
from "self-inflicted suffocation."
"It really didn't go very well," said the observer. When asked
later if President Hinckley saw anything, our source reported,
that Hinckley said that he saw himself in a tunnel with a
bright light in the distance getting larger and larger, coming
toward him. But doctors indicated that it was most likely an
hallucination caused by lack of oxygen to the brain.
It appears that no further attempts will be made in the near
future. It was hoped that, if successful, the translation
sessions could be used to translate some of the thousands of plates
hidden in a cave in the Hill Cumorah in upstate New York. Some
have even suggested that the remaining two thirds of the Book of
Mormon could be translated. But now those translations will have
to wait.
November 19, 2005
The Sandy City Council unanimously approved a zoning ordinance exception allowing Elder Nelson's Dance Studio to remain open Monday evenings
during the tradtional Family Home Evening time slot due to it's religious theme. All other Sandy City businesses must close their doors to
business on Monday nights.
"Dancing is the love of my life . . . no offense to my dear late wife," said Elder Nelson in an exclusive interview. "Dancing allows me to
express my innermost feelings."
Nelson has been in many prestigious dances and plays throughout the United States and
Taiwan.
"I've even danced nude on a few occasions," said Elder Nelson. "Not publically, of course, but in front of my
wife and the Brethren during our Thursday morning council meetings in the Salt Lake Temple.
Dancing in the nude is a great warm up in preparation
for the washing and annointing initiatory work we all do immediately after our council meeting with the First Presidency.
I mean, Adam and Eve only had loin clothes. It's not the clothing, but how you move that makes
it inappropriate."
Elder Nelson recently came under fire for dancing during a Stake
Conference talk in Idaho.
"I was going to walk out." said Phillip Jones, a Idaho potato
farmer. "I mean, to see a man "an apostle" shedding his clothing
and then daintily dancing up on the stage was embarrassing. He
looked like he was gay or something."
Elder Nelson told us that he has succeeded in getting all twelve
apostles and the even the prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, to take some
dance lessons. However, he admits that few of them have become
seasoned dancers.
"The only apostle that I could convince to dance on stage with me
was Elder Thomas S. Monson," Elder Nelson told us.
The dance studio has lessons for boys as young as eight and a
special program for deacons.
"Dance can be very beneficial for
deacons as they pass the sacrament," says Elder Nelson. "The fluid
movements and dainty extensions of their arms are very soothing to
church goers."
Elder Nelson encourages all boys to be proficient in dancing
before they reach missionary age.
In fact, the "Russell Nelson Dancing Deacons Studios" will be franchised and open up in all cities with LDS Temples by the end of year.
However, Mr. Hinckley appeared to deviate from his prepared remarks, and issued
a revised version of his wildly popular "6 B's," a set of generic rules issued in
2000 that now hang in cross-stitch in Mormon homes across the globe.
Hinckley went on to say that
he "never really believed in this bullshit anyway" before concluding his remarks
and returning to his seat.
Boyd Packer,
Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, a governing body of the Church
of Jesus Christ, is expected to give a speech later today in which he will update
his classic speech regarding the three major threats to the Church of Jesus Christ.
In the original address, given in 1993, Packer had focused on the gay movement,
the feminist movement, and intellectualism as three major stumbling blocks to the
progress of Mormonism.
"It has been quite confusing in the past," said President Albert
C. Summers, president of the North Salt Lake Stake. "Members have
often asked me what is or is not appropriate to do on Sundays.
This new system makes it crystal clear."
"They encircled a small table at which President Hinckley sat,"
said a high-ranking observer who asked to remain anonymous.
According to the observer, Hinckley had with him a brown "seer
stone" that was supposedly used by Joseph Smith to translate the
Book of Mormon and other documents. He had a brown top hat and a
copy of a piece of papyrus from which the Book of Abraham was
translated.
Church technicians placed a wireless microphone in the hat and
President Hinckley tried again. What happened next was truly
unexpected. "Well, he just sat there I would guess for five or
six minutes without a sound," said our source, "and then all of a
sudden he slumped over and onto the floor unconscious."
Although not widely known, Elder Nelson is an accomplished dancer and has been in many prestigious productions.
Dancing has been an item of controversy in the LDS church. But Elder Nelson believes it can be done tastefully, even only
partially clothed.
He was talking about physical and
spiritual health when he suddenly shed his suit jacket and tie and
performed some ballet moves. Not everyone was pleased.
"He was a good sport and dressed up and really did a good job with the
choreography. He's not the most flexible person in the world, so
we had to modify some of the steps to be more in line with his
ability."