Parody News from the Salamander Society

December 16, 2005

LDS Church spokesman Richard Turley announced a merger between official church website 
www.lds.org, and a site which parodies Mormonism, http://www.salamandersociety.com.

LDS Church Announces Website and FARMS Mergers

The traditional gold plated Angel Moroni is being replaced by the gleaming salamander atop all LDS Temples.

by Tal Bachman

Salt Lake City - AP - Astounding Press In a stunning development today, LDS church spokesman Richard Turley announced a merger between official church website www.lds.org, and a site which parodies Mormonism, www.salamandersociety.com

A smiling, relaxed Turley noted that "there's an old saying: 'If two people think the same way, one of them is redundant'. We've come to feel that way about lds.org and the Salamander site".

Steven Clark, web administrator for the Salamander site, said he received a call from Turley several days ago in which the church spokesman raised the possibility of joining forces.

"I have to say, I was shocked. But Bro. Turley said, 'Well listen - this Joseph Smith BYU Nativity thing...you know what I mean?'. I said, 'Yeah - the church has gotten so bizarre over the past few years what with Hinckley lying about doctrine, the apologetic crack-up, the two and three Cumorahs and stuff, that it's literally become impossible to tell anymore what's parody, and what's real'. And he said, 'Exactly - and the brethren realize this. So why don't we just join forces?'. And when you think about it, Joseph's whole church from the get go almost seems like a parody of religion. I think it's just been a very natural evolution to this point."

LDS.org and Salamandersociety.org websites merg.

Clark said that while specific details of the deal will remain confidential, the church had agreed to provide funding and technincal support in return for Clark's help in designing graphics and writing exegetical essays for lds.org.

"With all the jokes about Mormons progressively deifying Joseph Smith", said Clark, "who would ever have imagined a 2005 Joseph Smith nativity scene at BYU? With a plaque saying, 'let's not forget about Joseph just because it's December'? Baby Joseph in a cradle, next to a Christmas tree? Neither I nor my supposedly evil apostate friends could have done a better job than the church at parodying itself. I have to say 'bravo, well done'. It is nice to see the church finally display a sense of humor about itself".

In a related story, LDS apologetic research group FARMS is preparing to merge with defenders of Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam. The new group will be called "Muhammad FARMS", and already has its own website: www.noi.org (scroll down the left side of the page, click on "Muhammad Farms") though Mormon material has yet to be placed on the site.

"I am, shall I say, a noted Islamicist", remarked FARMS researcher DonLee C. Peterson, author of the classic apologetic book, "Anything Can Become Anything". "Both Mormonism and Islam, particularly the Farrakhanian variety, share many similarities, particularly in how we defend our beliefs. We are always interested in ecumenism and are excited about the opportunity to work with fellow brilliant Ph.D's like Dr. Ridgely Abdul Muímin, author of 'Dear So-Called White People'".

When asked about the possibility of an eventual supermerger between FARMS, the Salamander Society, LDS.org, the Nation of Islam team, and perhaps other organizations like www.cropcircleresearch.com and www.sasquatchodyssey.com, Peterson seemed shocked. "NO - I don't see that happening at all. You have entirely mischaracterized our position. You are taking things out of context. That is not what I said. We answered that long ago. I am like Sisyphus, rolling a stone forever upwards. The jury is still out. I don't see it that way at all. Everyone has a paradigm. The burden of proof is on everyone who disagrees with me, to prove to me I'm wrong, because I already know I'm not, because I already know everyone else is wrong".

Upon being informed of Peterson's response, Clark and Turley both said, "See what we mean?"

Stay tuned for further updates, or provide them yourselves below...

November 23, 2005

President Hinckley addresses the young men of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-dud Saints.

Hinckley outlines new and improved version of the six B's for LDS Young Men.

President Hinckley addresses the young men of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-dud Saints.

by Redman

Salt Lake City - AP - Aaronic Press There is chaos in the streets and brewing civil unrest in this Rocky Mountain Mecca thanks a speech delivered last night by Gordon Hinckley, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Widely revered by members of the Church of Jesus Christ, commonly known as Mormons, as a prophet, seer, revelator, Mr. Hinckley spoke to the young men of the Mormon church last night in a satellite broadcast from the Conference Center in downtown Salt Lake City, in what was expected to be nothing more than a typical Mormon speech involving emphasis on guilt, Church control of personal behavior and appearance, and denial of foundational Church doctrines.

Gordon B Hinckley's Six Bees However, Mr. Hinckley appeared to deviate from his prepared remarks, and issued a revised version of his wildly popular "6 B's," a set of generic rules issued in 2000 that now hang in cross-stitch in Mormon homes across the globe.

Appearing somewhat frustrated as he tried to read the words "Isn't it marvelous, isn't it wonderful" off the teleprompter screen for the 16th time during the sermon, Mr. Hinckley looked directly into the camera and said "Screw it. Let's just set the record straight before I die," prompting chortles of laughter throughout the Conference Center audience.

One young audience member later commented, "I didn't know what we were laughing about, but that's just what you're supposed to do when the prophet says something that sounds like it's supposed to be funny."

Hinckley went on to outline the new and improved version of the six B's, which led to a chorus of gasps of disbelief, intermingled with shouts of joy.

"As I've traveled the globe these past years, I've found that my original 6 B's were just not really making a difference," Hinckley said. "So I've made a few changes. Now listen carefully.

First, Be Grateful that that God gave you hands with which to masturbate, use them and enjoy yourselves!

Second, Be Smart when it comes to deciding whether or not to commit your lives to a cult, don't do it!

Third, Be Clean, hygienically speaking- that you might increase your chances of getting laid in the prime years of your life. I say use it or lose it!

Fourth, Be True to yourselves, not to this silly church.

Fifth, Be Humble enough to admit you all were a bunch of morons for really believing that I was a prophet.

Sixth, Be Prayerful, how about we just drop this one from the list? God doesn't listen to us anyway."

LDS Young Men break out of conference.Hinckley went on to say that he "never really believed in this bullshit anyway" before concluding his remarks and returning to his seat.

A stunned Thomas Monson, a member of the First Presidency, concluded the meeting and dismissed the crowd of shell-shocked young men, with the standard plea to drive safely during the return trip home. Monson later commented, "I know the church isn't true either, but it's not like I stand up and tell the whole world about it."

Chaos broke out in the streets of downtown Salt Lake City soon after, as sexually repressed young men began masturbating in public and roaming in search of their first female conquest. Many of the older youth expressed their anger at having followed the original 6 B's for so long. One 17 year-old boy commented, "This is so unfair. I could have been having fun all these years if the new 6 B's had come out when I was like 13 or something."

Church spokesman Dale Bills had no immediate comment, but scholar and Mormon apologist Daniel C. Peterson, in a phone interview, was quick to point out that "President Hinckley may have been speaking only as a man, and not as a prophet."

Boyd Packer says Gordon B Hinckley is fourth enemy to the Church. Boyd Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, a governing body of the Church of Jesus Christ, is expected to give a speech later today in which he will update his classic speech regarding the three major threats to the Church of Jesus Christ. In the original address, given in 1993, Packer had focused on the gay movement, the feminist movement, and intellectualism as three major stumbling blocks to the progress of Mormonism.

According an insider at the Church Office Building, who spoke on condition of anonymity, Packer plans to add Gordon Hinckley as the fourth major threat to Church. "He's actually been wanting to add the Hinckley to his 'axis of evil' for quite some time now, and has just been biding his time, waiting the opportunity to present itself," said the church employee. "It appears his time has come."

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November 20, 2005

Joseph Smith translating.

LDS Prophet Tries Translating

Joseph Smith sets the translating style for all subsequent LDS prophets to follow.

by Moroni Marten

Salt Lake City - AP - Aaronic Press It has been discovered that President Gordon B. Hinckley, current president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has recently tried some translating in the same manner as church founder and prophet, Joseph Smith.

Hinckley uses stone and papyrus to translate. "It has been quite confusing in the past," said President Albert C. Summers, president of the North Salt Lake Stake. "Members have often asked me what is or is not appropriate to do on Sundays. This new system makes it crystal clear."

According to an anonymous source, the translating session was conducted in the upper room of the Salt Lake Temple on July 28, 2005. President Hinckley was surrounded by his counselors and other apostles.

Gordon B Hinckley bloodies self by hitting nose on translating stone. "They encircled a small table at which President Hinckley sat," said a high-ranking observer who asked to remain anonymous. According to the observer, Hinckley had with him a brown "seer stone" that was supposedly used by Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon and other documents. He had a brown top hat and a copy of a piece of papyrus from which the Book of Abraham was translated.

"President Hinckley placed the piece of papyrus and the seer stone into the hat and then swung his face down into the hat," said our source. "However, his nose hit the seer stone pretty hard and he had to take a five minute break to stop a nosebleed."

The second attempt apparently went smoother. Once the hat was over his face, he was asked if he could see anything. However, it was reported that all they heard were muffled gurgling noises. "It was awful," said the observer. "Heck, we couldn't hear a dang thing."

Gordon B Hinckley on oxygen. Church technicians placed a wireless microphone in the hat and President Hinckley tried again. What happened next was truly unexpected. "Well, he just sat there I would guess for five or six minutes without a sound," said our source, "and then all of a sudden he slumped over and onto the floor unconscious."

President Hinckley was checked by his personal physician. According to medical records that we have obtained, he suffered from "self-inflicted suffocation."

"It really didn't go very well," said the observer. When asked later if President Hinckley saw anything, our source reported, that Hinckley said that he saw himself in a tunnel with a bright light in the distance getting larger and larger, coming toward him. But doctors indicated that it was most likely an hallucination caused by lack of oxygen to the brain.

It appears that no further attempts will be made in the near future. It was hoped that, if successful, the translation sessions could be used to translate some of the thousands of plates hidden in a cave in the Hill Cumorah in upstate New York. Some have even suggested that the remaining two thirds of the Book of Mormon could be translated. But now those translations will have to wait.

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November 19, 2005

Elder Russell M. Nelson has starred in many dance productions.

Russell Nelson Male Dance Studio Opens In Sandy

Elder Russell M. Nelson has starred in many dance productions.

by Moroni Martin

Sandy, Utah - AP - Aaronic Press Elder Russell M. Nelson, an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has opened a male only dance studio in Sandy, Utah.

The Sandy City Council unanimously approved a zoning ordinance exception allowing Elder Nelson's Dance Studio to remain open Monday evenings during the tradtional Family Home Evening time slot due to it's religious theme.

All other Sandy City businesses must close their doors to business on Monday nights.

Russell M Nelson is proficient dancer. Although not widely known, Elder Nelson is an accomplished dancer and has been in many prestigious productions.

"Dancing is the love of my life . . . no offense to my dear late wife," said Elder Nelson in an exclusive interview. "Dancing allows me to express my innermost feelings."

Nelson has been in many prestigious dances and plays throughout the United States and Taiwan.

Russell M Nelson partially clothed dancing okay. Dancing has been an item of controversy in the LDS church. But Elder Nelson believes it can be done tastefully, even only partially clothed.

"I've even danced nude on a few occasions," said Elder Nelson. "Not publically, of course, but in front of my wife and the Brethren during our Thursday morning council meetings in the Salt Lake Temple.

Dancing in the nude is a great warm up in preparation for the washing and annointing initiatory work we all do immediately after our council meeting with the First Presidency.

I mean, Adam and Eve only had loin clothes. It's not the clothing, but how you move that makes it inappropriate."

Elder Nelson recently came under fire for dancing during a Stake Conference talk in Idaho.

Thomas S Monson dancing. He was talking about physical and spiritual health when he suddenly shed his suit jacket and tie and performed some ballet moves. Not everyone was pleased.

"I was going to walk out." said Phillip Jones, a Idaho potato farmer. "I mean, to see a man "an apostle" shedding his clothing and then daintily dancing up on the stage was embarrassing. He looked like he was gay or something."

Elder Nelson told us that he has succeeded in getting all twelve apostles and the even the prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, to take some dance lessons. However, he admits that few of them have become seasoned dancers.

"The only apostle that I could convince to dance on stage with me was Elder Thomas S. Monson," Elder Nelson told us.

Deacon dancing during sacrament service. "He was a good sport and dressed up and really did a good job with the choreography. He's not the most flexible person in the world, so we had to modify some of the steps to be more in line with his ability."

The dance studio has lessons for boys as young as eight and a special program for deacons.

"Dance can be very beneficial for deacons as they pass the sacrament," says Elder Nelson. "The fluid movements and dainty extensions of their arms are very soothing to church goers."

Elder Nelson encourages all boys to be proficient in dancing before they reach missionary age.

In fact, the "Russell Nelson Dancing Deacons Studios" will be franchised and open up in all cities with LDS Temples by the end of year.

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