"The Book of Mormon only mentions one Hill Cumorah, as does Joseph Smith", said Professor Garloy P. Hendricks, director of Mormon research group FARMS. "The problem was that excavations at the hill in New York identified by Joseph Smith as Cumorah failed to uncover any trace of the two million people who supposedly died there a mere 1600 years ago. And that could only mean one thing - NOT that Joseph Smith had written the book himself, but that there had been TWO Cumorahs".
The most prominent Mormon defender of the Two Cumorahs Theory has been anthropologist John L. Sorenson. According to Sorenson, the second Hill Cumorah is located not in upstate New York, but in Mexico, in or near the Tuxtla Mountains. This theory, contradicting as it does the words of Mormon prophets and apostles, has increasingly come under fire by critics. Hendricks however continues to defend it.
When asked how the One Cumorah, Two Cumorahs, and Three Cumorahs theories could all be true when they all contradicted each other, Hendricks simply replied, "with God, nothing is impossible. Besides, I don't really see a problem there".
The Three Cumorahs Theory, or TCT, as propounded by Hendricks and his colleagues I. Bray Forluker and S. Nodefrum Burth, posits that the source record of the Book of Mormon - the so-called Golden Plates - was indeed recovered within New York's "Cumorah One", though they are not there now. It then argues that a fairly small area of Central America was in fact the "spiritual home" of the events, people, and places described by the Golden Plates, rather than the "physical home", and that "Cumorah Two" is thus merely the "spiritual" home of the final battle. "The fact is, there never was any reason for anyone to believe there was REALLY a giant battle in the Tuxtla mountains. A close reading of the text of the Book of Mormon, and of Sorenson's writing, makes it clear that Cumorah Two isn't the physical site of the battle at all, just the spiritual home".
Asked to elaborate, Hendricks remarked that "if, for example, Jewish people do something in New York City, the actual 'spiritual home' of the people, and what they just did, is across the Atlantic, in Israel. Something similar, we now know, is the case with the story of the Book of Mormon. So Sorenson's theory is still perfectly valid".
Hendricks responded that neither he nor his colleagues had any obligation to pinpoint the actual physical setting of the Book of Mormon, since the burden of proof is on those who doubt the historicity of the Book of Mormon to prove it never happened anywhere. "The TCT stands on its own", said Hendricks. "And may I say that we have no desire to 'confine the sacred'. The Book of Mormon is scripture for everyone, everywhere, so in a real sense, it can be said to have happened, potentially, anywhere and everywhere, for everyone. Mormons therefore should have no fear about their faith in the Book of Mormon - with the TCT, it is safe forever".
In a related story, LDS apostle Dallin H. Oaks recently met with representatives of the Great Pumpkin Research Foundation to discuss joint apologetic efforts. "We anticipate a 'fruitful', ha ha, collaboration with members of the GPRF", said Oaks. "As Latter-day Saints, we are always interested in coming together with others with whom we share similar belief systems".
One FARMS Scholar's Reply: I disagree with the need for a Third Cumorah.
There is, in fact, no controversy about the "second"
site of Cumorah, located in Mexico. The reason nothing
has been found is that the site was utterly destroyed
by the Chicxulub meteor impact, 65 million years ago.
This hypothesis also resolves the Book of Mormon
horses problem. We at FARMS have never claimed that
the Tapir hypothesis was widely accepted. If we accept
that the Book of Mormon peoples were time travellers
living in the late Cretaceous, and blown to
smithereens along with their DNA and all their
cultural artifacts by the Chicxulub meteor, then it's
obvious that the "horses" mentioned in the Book of
Mormon are actually Triceratops.
November 2, 2005
"It has been quite confusing in the past," said President Albert
C. Summers, president of the North Salt Lake Stake. "Members have
often asked me what is or is not appropriate to do on Sundays.
This new system makes it crystal clear."
Under the new system, each member fills out a card each Sunday.
Appropriate activities accumulate positive points while
inappropriate activities deduct points. In order for members to
be considered "temple worthy," they must average 100 points per
Sabbath day.
But not everybody is happy. Marvin Dicks, an inactive member,
has been harassed. "I think it's stupid," he said. "Last Sunday
I was constantly yelled at by Mormons while I was trimming my front
lawn. They would yell, 'You just lost 25 points!' I didn't know
what the hell they were talking about. After a while, I just
flipped them off."
The new card system was introduced during a special sacrament
meeting. Cards are available next to the tithing forms by the
bishop's office and will be delivered to less active members via
the visiting and home teaching programs.
"We hope this will end the speculation about appropriate Sabbath
Day observances," said Summers. "Members just need to remember to
keep their cards in a safe place and bring them all to each
interview so that their Sabbath Day worthiness can be determined."
October 28, 2005
"For decades, we taught that the reason blacks were black and inferior to whites was because they were less valiant
than we were in the war in heaven", commented Pres. Boyd K. Packer. "But one question always bothered us - what about
the Japs and Chinamen? Hence, the Lord has seen fit to give us a new proclamation".
The church's new "Proclamation on the War in Heaven" discusses pre-earth life among members of the planet's three main
races: Caucasoid, Negroid, and Mongoloid. It explains for the first time the hitherto mysterious role played before birth
by those born of Mongoloid descent. "As information has accumulated demonstrating that those of Mongoloid descent routinely
outperform both Caucasoids and Negroids in IQ tests, so has the need increased for a theological explanation", said
Packer. "It is kind of like how we had to change the Hemispheric Theory to the Limited Geography Theory once we found
out the Hill Cumorah wasn't jam packed full of bones and swords and things. Well, what with all this oriental stuff we
know now, we finally have an explanation".
The unexpected inclusion of Sasquatch in the proclamation has provoked acclaim by Mormons in southern Utah. "Ever since
my great, great grandaddy Jacob Hamblin saw Bigfoot we wondered 'bout him", said DeFloyd R. Hamblin of Hurricane. "Well,
now we know where he come from. He was Satan's main field general, kind of like Rommel 'cep' dumber, and that's why he got
cursed s' bad".
Barry Gertsen of liberal Mormon magazine "Sunstone" complained that "this is just like the brethren: they focus on
humanity's three great races, but never mention anything about less prominent, but no less important people: midgets,
congenital unidexters, hermaphrodites, conjoined twins like Chang and Eng Bunker, pituitary gland explosions like Andre
the Giant, blind deaf mutes like Helen Keller, and the Heinz 57 types like Tiger Woods or Nicole Ritchie. What about
them? Why are they always left out? What did they do in the battle? This all seems really hierarchical to me".
In a related story, sources inside church headquarters confirmed that language holding a "Jewish cabal" responsible for
the war in heaven was dropped after certain draft committee members lobbied for a "Muslim uprising" to be cited as the
cause instead. Both sides compromised by dropping all references to either version of the story. "We all wound up pretty
happy with the story just the way it is", concluded Elder Dallin H. Oaks. "We might have to tweak it here and there
depending on the survival and growth needs of the church, but we think it will do for now. Maybe instead of Muslims
or Jews, we can put something in about the J-Dubs instead. Who knows where it will go? That's the beauty of...'continuing
revelation'".
October 21, 2005
The new declaration defines new requirements for obtaining the
right to be married in one of the LDS temples. As Elder Packer
stated, "Our mission here on earth is divinely planned. The Lord
has stated that we are to be one with our spouse and to multiply
and replenish the earth. That declaration has never been
rescinded. The adversary, even Lucifer himself, has been trying to
undermine the divine nature of marriage and dilute its purpose.
Those who wish to be Celestially coupled for time and all eternity
must rise to a higher standard as set forth by the Lord."
Packer outlined two new forms that must be completed before a
Celestial marriage is granted. They encompass several new
requirements for all couples desiring temple marriage. The bishops
of those who apply for temple marriage will have the task of
determining whether the marriage applicants have met the new
regulations. The "Physician Form" has three requirements. First,
temple marriage applicants must have an examination from an
"appointed or authorized" physician to determine if they are a
fully "unaltered" male or female. Second, the physician, via
physical examinations and lab work, must confirm that the
applicants are fully "fertile and reproductively viable." Third,
the physician must determine through physical examination and
measurements that the applicants are "fully sexually compatible."
The "Physician Form" must be completed and notarized and returned
to the bishop for the "approval" interview. If the Physician
Form indicates that all is well with the applicants, another new
form must be completed by the applicants. It is called the "Intent
to Reproduce" form.
Applicants must, in writing, state their intent to
"multiply and replenish the earth" without "delay or interference"
under the threat of very severe spiritual consequences. If at
any time in the marriage, the bishop determines a couple is not
following the "Intent to Reproduce" covenant, a "high counsel
court" can be conducted to investigate and possibly "dissolve" the
temple marriage and disfellowship or excommunicate the individuals
involved.
Asked if the sole purpose of marriage is reproduction, Elder
Packer responded, "The Lord has set that standard, not me. The
purpose of marriage is to multiply and replenish the earth." He
went on to say that couples that do not want children or who are
infertile may still get married civilly, but will not be allowed a
"temple" marriage. "I am sensitive to the plight of the
infertile," Packer stated. "But the Lord does not inflict this
condition randomly, but as a consequence for actions ? either in
this life or before ? that would warrant that condition and
punishment."
Elder Packer also addressed the implications for older couples.
"No one is exempt from the qualifications. If an individual is too
old for reproduction, one has to ask the question why? Could it be
that they selfishly pursued the things of the world instead of
fulfilling their obligation to marry? Could it be that they have
erred in a previous marriage which resulted in a divorce? The
high standards of temple marriage are for those who have kept
themselves free from disgrace and impurity and have the capacity to
fulfill the necessary obligations. There are no exceptions."
Reactions to the new temple marriage requirements were mixed.
Joseph Barton, an LDS father of twelve stated, "We all know what
the scriptures say about marriage and children and I think it's
about time we enforced the true purpose of marriage."
However not all feel positive about it. Former Salt Lake mayor
Rocky Anderson was present at the news conference and was heard
muttering several times, "Oh, my God." He refused to elaborate.
Post your comments or news story in this text box. Submit images to: news at salamander society dot com
"I have no doubt that John Sorenson's theory is true", remarked Hendricks, "even though excavation in southern Veracruz has also failed to uncover any evidence of any of the events, people, or places described by the Book of Mormon. But that in turn has led to a wonderful breakthrough in our understanding of the Book of Mormon - NOT that it was authored by Joseph, but there was not only just one Cumorah, nor just two, but THREE Cumorahs!".
However, critics argue that a serious flaw in the Three Cumorahs Theory (the TCT) is that neither Hendricks nor his colleagues will actually specify any possible location for Cumorah Three. "If upstate New York was the home of the plates, and Central America is the 'spiritual' home of the story of the Book of Mormon, where actually is the real home?", asked Jack Daines, a founding editor of liberal Mormon magazine "New Delusions". "People and places and events, if they are real, actually have to exist physically, within the boundaries of time and space. Where is that space?".
There is nothing in the Bible or the Book of Mormon
that precludes time travel. We at FARMS have recently
discovered subtle clues in the Book of Moses to the
effect that the Book of Mormon peoples, using the vast
powers of the Liahona, traveled back to late
Cretaceous era after they arrived in the Americas and
found to their chagrin that the land was already
inhabited by others of Asian descent.
Member Joyce Fellows thinks it's great. "I've always had a hard
time with my two boys," said Fellows. "With the card system it's
great. I can even use it to motivate them for other purposes.
Last Sunday I told my oldest boy that he needed to average 75
points each Sunday for a month to be able to rent a game at the
video store."
The proclamation claims that before human life on earth, there was a gigantic, intra-galactic battle fought near a star
called Kolob between an army captained by Jesus, and an army captained by his evil spirit brother, Lucifer. Those born of
Negroid descent, while cheering for Jesus's side, functioned "little better than the crows on Dumbo", according to the
proclamation, while "our own white and delightsome ancestors proudly fought as lions". "Our Mongoloid allies", continues
the proclamation, "having a special facility for detail and mathematics, bravely coordinated logistics for our various
sorties and expeditions over to Satan's territory. They were also heavily involved in code-breaking efforts. The Spirit
has whispered that Lucifer had his own kind of Enigma machine like the Nazis invented, except it used audio recordings
somehow, and Satan spoke in Navajo like on 'Windtalkers'. Without the Mongoloids, all would have been lost". As a result
of their bravery, Mongoloids have been allowed to keep their superior mathematical and analytical skills during
their "second estate".
"There are always critics", smiled Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley at the press conference. "They always have their say. But
the Lord's work will continue. It cannot be stopped. It is his work."
This is a much more detailed follow-up to the Proclamation to the
World on the Family and the very brief statement from the leaders
of the church on a constitutional amendment in support of
traditional marriage.
