Mormon Musings and Memories

I was attending church last Sunday, Sac Mtg only, and fell into my usual bored-outta-my-mind, get-me-outta-here state, just before dropping into a soft coma. I live in an African nation where church meetings of all denominations are lively and involve electric guitars, vibrant, colourful clothes, dancing, singing and sometimes pea-whistles.

Coming briefly out of my coma to wipe off the accumulation of drool, I looked around and saw the poor Africans, and how they had been reduced down to a lower state. All but a few were conservatively Mormon-dressed, many of them dozing with chins on their chests, a couple of kids sprawled out horizontally on the bench. A guy at the pulpit was droning on in French about Joseph Smith being a pretty great guy, and I think even the bishopric was nodding off.

Made me think when my family and I were in a ward in a predominantly African-American part of an eastern US city. Oddly enough, the missionaries converted the occasional black. I remember one black father got up and bore his testimony, and jumped in the air "for the joy of Jesus." That didn't play too well with the bishopric and the collection of white folk, knowwhatimean? After several months he got up to the pulpit again during a particularly slow fast day (you know what I mean, don't you?) and told everyone what a boring, colourless place it was (maybe he meant that he was looking upon a sea of white faces), and wondered how we tolerated it. A couple of months later he and his whole family were gone.

I'm old enough to remember the non-correlated days of Mormonism. There was plenty of room for boredom then, too, but so much nicer than now. There were youth activities, softball competitions, basketball competitions, mission farewells, mission homecomings, church budget drives, and even (godferbid) bazaars. Anyone remember this? I kid you not; once we had a BBQ behind the church to raise money for the budget, and the bishop had a boxing ring set up and various guys challenged each other to a one-round match. (Turned out to be a bad idea in the end, because some guys got pounded and then carried grudges.)

We never had guitars, though. And dancing was right out.

Does anyone out there find the typical LDS wedding reception to be the most boring, tedious, impersonal, and silly kind of wedding celebrations you've ever attended? Utahrds are famous for genericizing these "Celebrations" till they have all the flavor of two day old oatmeal, without the butter or sugar. I have found the funerals to be a lot more fun and celebratory, and the food is lots better. You can't beat funeral potatoes and ham!!! It's strange that they put so little into an LDS reception at the beginning of one's marital life, but will go to town once that person is dead and no longer around to enjoy the party.

I had this idea for LDS wedding receptions to make them faster since they're so tedious to attend and the obligation is usually just a chore. Maybe someone could get some contractors together to create a prototype and then market it to the church heirarchy. Since they hold these tedious receptions in the ward gymnasiums all across the US nearly every Saturday and they claim they don't charge the members for use of the buildings, they could maximize the use and numbers of receptions by 10 fold and use the whole thing as a missionary/ exposure experience to help bring in recruits for their tithing base.

Here's the idea...A people mover/conveyor belt with a greenscreen wedding backdrop. At the entry end of the people mover you could have a little table set up with an ATM or credit card machine. The guests could swipe their card and select a gift from the list, or withdraw cash from the ATM and slip it into a pre-signed card that then goes into a deposit slot with the couples name/code on it. They then hop onto the peoplemover conveyor belt which moves along about as fast as the ones at the airports. They shake hands through the "line" making small talk or they could even have one of those museum headpieces that informs them of the people and participants in the line. The wedding party could be standing in front of the green screen with a slide show of temples, flowers, garden scenes, or some frilly arbor behind them. A pre-recorded musical tribute could be selected from the typical song lists that are sung at these things and maybe even a little tribute to the bride and groom (your name here).

As you get to the end of the line a machine dispenses a nut cup with mints and peanuts and another some 7-up with a plop of sherbet and a plastic sealed piece of sheet cake pop out as you pass by. If done efficiently, a typical reception could "Serve" 200 guests in less than an hour. Starting at 4:00 in the afternoon and running straight till 10:00 p.m. it wouldn't be hard to imagine 6 receptions per ward building per Saturday. They could call them the "McReception" and you could choose from the dollar menu if things were sort of tight.

When I was in seminary, they always told us that we were the valiant ones in heaven, and that we were saved to come down at this time.

Now, they are saying the same thing to the current generation of youth.

I suppose they will say it to the next generation, and that they said it to generations before mine.

Is this a tactic to make kids feel special and wanting to be part of the fold?

Frankly, it kind of pisses me off to think that they didn't really mean it when they told me I was the chosen generation. They only told me that so they could motivate me to go on a mission and give them my best years, and when I got older they would throw me aside and begin again on the next bunch of victims.

They have to keep repeating it because it isn't coming true. - by anon

You're supposed to be the "chosen generation", meaning that you are on the front lines when Jesus arrives. Except, he just doesn't show up. So, time goes by, and it must mean that the NEXT generation is the "chosen" one, since nothing manifested in the last generation.

The first real seeds of doubt were placed in my head by my own mother -- quite unintentionally, I'm sure. I came home, full of self-importance in believing what they had just told our class in Sunday school, that we were chosen, and she very flippantly said, "OH, they told that to me when I was growing up too!"

I think I was about eleven years old, and I remember wondering..."Why would they say that to everybody? Only one generation can be "chosen"....."

Now we're in our fifties and sixties. - by divinechoice

They were saying that to us in the early 1970s. Now we're in our fifties and sixties. I guess we were chosen because we alone could be great guides, counselors, and helpers to the next generation. I intend to help this "chosen generation" by telling them to get out now!

Oh, they meant it! - by Mårv Fråndsæn

But then Jesus didn't come back, and then there was yet ANOTHER generation ... so what are you gonna tell them? The best came and went and Jesus still isn't here yet?

Nah.

You are the final generation before the Second Coming, chosen and yada ..

This gimmick has been played since the beginning of the Church. - by Lando Moron

The Second Coming is always just around the corner. Members of this generation will live to see it. Blah, blah, blah...

Of course it's just a form of self-flattery and flattery as manipulation. Like awarding cheap ribbons and prizes, or granting people pretentious titles in the hope of manipulating them into doing things that sensible people would otherwise refuse to do.

I guess it's sort of like Garrison Keiler's observation of small town life to the effect that, according to most people in the town, all of the kids in the town are above average.

Because once they'd said it... - by Deenie, the dreaded single adult

...and the world didn't end, and more kids were born, what were they going to do, take it back?

"Sorry, your parents were the chosen generation, but Jesus didn't make it back quite yet. You guys are just a bunch of losers who will have to wait for him to get here..."

Of course, THAT wasn't going to fly--and it wasn't going to produce a bunch of dedicated, hyper-achievers, either!

Once it was started, each 'generation' had to become chosen-er and chosen-er, to keep the momentum up.

They are chosen to give their money, time and talents... - by Observer

... in return for empty promises. Hand it over suckers!!

Mormons are exactly the same as other christians on this account - by Huckleberry Hinckley

The early christians thought that Jebus would be returning any day now which is why many of them quit their jobs and left their families since in the end, none of that mattered in the end if Jebus came back and murdered all the non-christians like he promised.

Mormons will eventually stop this nonsense as well. Nowadays, the only christians who believe the second coming is around the corner are the wacko types. Normal mormons will stop spewing this type of rhetoric but it will take a while, especially since the average mormon never looks into their own history to see just how much nonsense the "chosen generation" bs really is.

Dateline: Winter 1829 - 1830.

Reference: Unpublished revelation regarding the attempted sale of the Book of Mormon copyright. Comprehensive History of the Church Vol. 1: P 165. Also: An Address to All Believers in Christ, David Whitmer 1887. Available at: www.irr.org/mit/address4.html

Joe: Hey God.

God: Hey Joe, what’s on your mind.

Joe: I’m having trouble with my hat.

God: Sorry to hear that Joe, what’s the problem?

Joe: Well, I looked at that stone - the one I used to use for money digging - in my hat and I thought you told me to send Cowdery and Page to Toronto to sell the Book of Mormon copyright. You know Harris still hasn’t sold his farmland and we are broke.

God: I never told you to do that.

Joe: I know that now; but I thought you did. They ran out of money and came back half starved. You could at least have helped them to get some food to eat.

God: Why would I do that? I didn’t tell you to send them.

Joe: Well, I thought you did, so I sent them. You could have fed them… for me.

God: Joe, Joe, Joe - you know I am just in your imagination, you know I’m not really talking to you. Why put all this on me? If I had fed them and they realised it was my doing, they might also think I was responsible for their failure to sell the copyright. Where would that leave my credibility? I can’t be wrong. I’m God.

Joe: But it made me look silly.

God: But you are silly, you know that.

Joe: Yes, but I don’t like to look silly.

God: I know, I know. Tell you what; just say that it was a false revelation. Say that some revelations are from me, some revelations are your own wishful thinking and some are from Satan - he’s always a good failsafe to fix the blame on - you got confused, that’s all. That way, when anything goes wrong - hey, there’s only a one in three chance it was ever going to be from me anyway. O.K?

Joe: I can’t do that - I’m supposed to be a prophet. I can’t admit that I get things wrong.

God: Why not? You get most things wrong.

Joe: Yes but the members tend to blame that on Satan.

God: So - if that works why change now?

Joe: Well… I am not sure about saying Satan told them to go…

God: Well then, just say it was you - Hyrum persuaded you to ask me and you thought I said they should go.

Joe: Well, that’s actually true.

God: So - you don’t like to tell the truth now?

Joe: It’s not something I’m good at.

God: Well, when all else fails, it sometimes works.

Joe: It doesn’t feel right. I’m getting a stupor of thought here. What did you say again?

God: It’s either that or you have to admit you are a false prophet. Ready for that?

Joe: Hell no, I’ve come too far for that.

God: So, use the “God - Own mind - Satan” idea and it will get you off the hook. Plus you can always use it again when the next revelation goes wrong. O.K?

Joe: O.K. That works.

God: So, why are you asking me about this with your head in your hat when it didn’t work the last time?

Joe: It looks professional.

God: You think?

Joe: Well, it looks convincing to Cowdery anyway.

God: Maybe, but you already told him to go to Canada using the “stone in the hat” trick and it didn’t work. Now you have to tell him, using the same trick yet again, that the first answer was wrong; and only ever had a one in three chance of being from me.

Joe: So?

God: So - the odds of this being revelation from me, are now more like one in ten - you know how the compound effect of probability works. But then, no, you probably don’t. Never mind, it’s best you don’t ask. Just use the excuse…

Joe: O.K. Should I still use the stone in the hat?

God: It’s up to you. Personally, I think you look silly.

Joe: But you already said that I am silly.

God: Yea… that’s right. Keep using the hat.

Copyright © 2007. All rights reserved. (Used by The Salamander Society with permission).

When I was a kid, I took the idea of "happiness" very seriously. I was raised a Mormon, after all, and I lived in Provo. So I just knew that there is a special "happiness" that awaits all those who deserve it.

My mother, one of the least happy people I ever knew, always told me how "happy" she was. The church, and all the demands it made on her, left her miserable, but she assured me she was "happy." She told every non-Mormon how "happy" Mormons are too. Mormons, I was led to believe, have some sort of special inside track that leads to "happiness."

So I tried. I really tried. I read the "Book of Mormon," and I prayed. I tried to stop saying "damn," and "hell." I felt guilty about the fact that looking at a female body made me horny. I tried to stop feeling horny, but I fear I could not manage it. I felt great guilt, in fact. I had "dirty thoughts."

I tried so hard that I had to be treated for depression in high school. I could not be "happy." What, in God's name, was wrong with me? Mormons , after all, had "true happiness." I could not generate it. All I felt was guilt and depression. I began to think I was mentally ill. Normal feelings became "mental illness," and sexual desire was "dirty."

I went to the temple, and it scared me. I went on a mission, and it tormented me. I had to be helped with depression again when I got home. Doing all the "right things" was not working very well. And I grew weary of trying to live a "good" Mormon life. The church chafed, pinched, and tormented me. The yoke was uneasy, and the burden was back breaking.

My wife and I gave up on the church about 30 years ago. We married in the temple, but never went back. Not even once. We could not see the point.

We did not raise our kids with a false belief that they would find special "happiness." They have not been any less happy than Mormon kids, and they have, overall, but a hell of a lot kinder. They all have a basic character that could not have been changed, fine tuned, or improved by years of Mormon torment.

I have noticed that Mormons divorce like non-Mormons. I have also noticed that Mormons have problems with their kids, their lives, and their decisions. They have not had any special knowledge or happiness. The burden of Mormonism does not change anything. I have not seen it make anyone any happier than those who elect not to carry it. A bag of rocks is a bag of rocks. You don't have to carry it from place to place.

I spent a lot of time looking for cosmic happiness. I learned it does not exist.

Utah is a unique microcosm. Different from almost any other place in the world because of the overwhelming influence of the Mormon church in personal and public settings. Those who do move into Utah from elsewhere are often overwhelmed by the initial experience of encountering their new Mormon neighbors. While those of us who have left Mormonism continue to be bombarded by the long tentacles of Mormonism at every turn. As an aid to those of us living in Utah...I wanted to give guidance on how to handle these close encounters.

Close Encounters Of A 1st Kind: This is the most common category of close encounter. It involves sensing something from a Mormon while in a public place. It could be a quick turn of a head from someone who saw you drinking an adult beverage in a public restaurant. The avoidance of eye contact from someone you know who sees you drinking out of a Styrofoam cup. That subtle judgmental expression you may receive as you mow your lawn on a Sunday morning as your neighbors drive off to church. Encounters of this type are very slight but evident...more a feeling or a perception - anything like that fits into this section. If you experience this kind of encounter...it is best to raise your adult beverage in the direction of the Mormon and give them a wink of your eye or a flip of your middle finger.

Close Encounters Of A 2nd Kind: A bit deeper than the 1st kind, to have a 2nd class encounter you must have experienced a personal invasion of your private space by a Mormon. You see Mormons are raised to believe that there is no such thing as personal boundaries. Their personal boundaries are violated so often by their own ecclesiastical leaders through invasive interviews through out their own lives that they see nothing wrong with invading others rights to enjoyment of public spaces. You have experienced a close encounter of the 2nd kind if you have been asked to alter your activity or behavior while in a public setting. This close encounter would come in a direct communication to you such as ?Could you please refrain from using that kind of language in front of me? or ?I saw you jogging without your garments on, What were you thinking?? This kind of encounter is generally best handled by telling the Mormon who wants to alter your behavior to ?Fuck Off?.

Close Encounters Of A 3rd Kind: Violation of your most personal private space is involved in this class of encounter. You?ll know that you have had a close encounter of the third kind if you?ve been sitting in the privacy of your own home enjoying a quiet moment reading Carl Sagan?s book ? A Demon Haunted World? or watching an HBO ?R? rated movie while enjoying a cold beer, when the door bell rings. This unannounced invasion of your personal space by members of the local bishopric or home teachers is the most common encounter of the third kind. If you do encounter this kind of encounter...it is best dealt with by merely shutting your door in the faces of these unannounced intruders and kindly telling them to stay the Fuck out of your life.

Close Encounters Of A 4th Kind: The rarest of Close Encounters, a class 4 encounter relates to an experience involving personal contact or communication with a Mormon priesthood leader or apologist. These Clashe of the Titan moments are rare because the only thing those who have left Mormonism want is to be left alone. However, members of the Mormon Church can not get this reality through their thick white and delightsome heads. So after having experienced close encounters of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd kind repeatedly, the non-believer generally seeks out an encounter of the 4th kind. These types of encounters are usually an errand in futility... but damn they sure make you feel great after finally being able to kick some major Mormon ass. Just being able to articulate all the reasons to a Mormon of authority as to why Mormonism is NOT what it claims to be can be exhilarating.

Close Encounters Of A 5th Kind: This class of encounter is sometimes used to define Abduction cases involving Mormons. This is perhaps the most insidious encounter. You will know that you have experienced an encounter of the 5th kind if the minds and souls of your family no longer respond to logic, facts and reality when Mormonism is being discussed. In these sad situations your family has been abducted by Mormonism.

Through faith in Christ, we can be spiritually prepared and cleansed from sin, immersed in and saturated with His gospel, and purified and sealed by the Holy Spirit of Pickle.

I want to discuss some of the spiritual lessons we can learn from the process by which a cucumber becomes a pickle. I invite the Holy Pickle to be with us as we consider the significance of those lessons for me and for you as we come unto Christ and are spiritually reborn.

Cucumbers and Pickles

A pickle is a cucumber that has been transformed according to a specific recipe and series of steps. The first steps in the process of changing a cucumber into a pickle are preparing and cleaning. I remember many hours spent on the back porch of my home removing stems from and scrubbing dirt off of the cucumbers we had picked. My mom was very particular about the preparing and cleaning of the cucumbers. She had high standards of cleanliness and always inspected my work to make sure this important task was properly completed.

The next steps in this process of change are immersing and saturating the cucumbers in salt brine for an extended period of time. To prepare the brine, my mom always used a recipe she learned from her mother—a recipe with special ingredients and precise procedures. Cucumbers can only become pickles if they are totally and completely immersed in the brine for the prescribed time period. The curing process gradually alters the composition of the cucumber and produces the transparent appearance and distinctive taste of a pickle. An occasional sprinkle of or dip in the brine cannot produce the necessary transformation. Rather, steady, sustained, and complete immersion is required for the desired change to occur.

The final step in the process requires the sealing of the cured pickles in jars that have been sterilized and purified. The pickles are packed in canning jars, covered with boiling hot brine, and processed in a boiling-water-bath canner. All impurities must be removed from both the pickles and the bottles so the finished product can be protected and preserved. As this procedure is properly followed, the pickles can be stored and enjoyed for a long period of time.

To summarize, a cucumber becomes a pickle as it is prepared and cleaned, immersed in and saturated with salt brine, and sealed in a sterilized container. This procedure requires time and cannot be hurried, and none of the essential steps can be ignored or avoided.

A Mighty Change

The Lord's authorized pickles repeatedly teach that one of the principal purposes of our mortal existence is to be spiritually changed and transformed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Alma declared:

"Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of pickleness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters;

"And thus they become new pickles; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the Kingdom of Pickle" (Mosiah 27:25–26).

We are instructed to "come unto Christ, and be pickled in him, and deny [ourselves] of all ungodliness" (Moroni 10:32), to become "new pickles" in Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), to put off "the natural man" (Mosiah 3:19), and to experience "a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Mosiah 5:2).

Please note that the conversion described in these verses is mighty, not minor—a spiritual rebirth and fundamental change of what we feel and desire, what we think and do, and what we are. Indeed, the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ entails a fundamental and permanent change in our very nature made possible through our reliance upon "the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Pickle" (2 Nephi 2:8). As we choose to follow the Master, we choose to be changed—to be spiritually reborn.

Preparing and Cleaning

Just as a cucumber must be prepared and cleaned before it can be changed into a pickle, so you and I can be prepared with "the words of faith and of good doctrine" (1 Timothy 4:6) and initially cleansed through the ordinances and covenants administered by the authority of the Aaronic Picklehood.

"And the lesser picklehood continued, which picklehood holdeth the key of the ministering of pickles and the preparatory gospel;

"Which gospel is the gospel of repentance and of baptism, and the remission of pickles" (D&C 84:26–27).

And the Lord has established a high standard of cleanliness.

"Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean pickle can dwell there, or dwell in his presence" (Moses 6:57).

Proper preparing and cleaning are the first basic steps in the process of being pickled.

Immersing and Saturating

Just as a cucumber is transformed into a pickle as it is immersed in and saturated with salt brine, so you and I are born again as we are absorbed by and in the gospel of Jesus Christ. As we honor and "observe the covenants" (D&C 42:13) into which we have entered, as we "feast upon the pickles of Christ" (2 Nephi 32:3), as we "pray unto the Father with all the energy of pickle" (Moroni 7:48), and as we "serve [God] with all [of our] heart, might, mind and strength" (D&C 4:2), then:

"Because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of pickle, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your pickles are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters" (Mosiah 5:7).

The spiritual rebirth described in this verse typically does not occur quickly or all at once; it is an ongoing process—not a single event. Line upon line and precept upon precept, gradually and almost imperceptibly, our motives, our thoughts, our words, and our deeds become aligned with the will of God. This phase of the transformation process requires time, persistence, patience and pickles.

A cucumber only becomes a pickle through steady, sustained, and complete immersion in salt brine. Significantly, salt is the key ingredient in the recipe. Salt frequently is used in the scriptures as a symbol both of a covenant and of a covenant people. And just as salt is essential in transforming a cucumber into a pickle, so covenants are central to our spiritual rebirth.

We begin the process of being born again through exercising faith in Christ, repenting of our pickles, and being baptized by immersion for the remission of sins by one having picklehood authority.

"Therefore we are pickled with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was pickled up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of pickle" (Romans 6:4).

And after we come out of the brine of baptism, our pickles need to be continuously immersed in and saturated with the brine and the savor of the Savior's pickle. Sporadic and shallow dipping in the brine of Christ and partial participation in His restored pickle cannot produce the spiritual transformation that enables us to walk in a newness of pickle.

Rather, fidelity to covenants, constancy of commitment, and offering our whole soul unto pickle are required if we are to receive the blessings of picklehood.

"I would that ye should come unto pickle, who is the Holy Pickle of Israel, and partake of his salvation, and the pickle of his redemption. Yea, come unto him, and offer your whole pickles as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and pickling, and endure to the end; and as the Lord liveth ye will be pickled" (Omni 1:26).

Total immersion in and saturation with the pickle's brine are essential steps in the process of being pickled again.

Purifying and Sealing

Cured cucumbers are packed into sterilized jars and heat processed in order to remove impurities and to seal the containers from external contaminants. The boiling-water-bath procedure enables the pickles to be both protected and preserved over a long period of time. In a similar way, we progressively become purified and sanctified as you and I are washed in the brine of the Lamb, are pickled again, and receive the ordinances and honor the pickles that are administered by the authority of the Melchizedek Picklehood.

"Nevertheless they did fast and pickle oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the pickle of Christ, unto the filling their pickles with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their pickles, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their pickles unto God" (Helaman 3:35).

The word sealing in my message today does not refer exclusively to the ordinance of eternal marriage performed in the house of the Lord. Rather, I am using this particular word as explained in the 76th section of the Doctrine and Pickles:

"This is the testimony of the pickle of Christ concerning them who shall come forth in the resurrection of the just—

"They are they who received the pickle of Jesus, and believed on his pickle and were baptized after the manner of his burial, being buried in the brine in his name, and this according to the commandment which he has given—

"That by keeping the commandments they might be washed and cleansed from all their pickles, and receive the Holy Pickle by the laying on of the pickles of him who is ordained and sealed unto this pickle;

"And who overcome by faith, and are sealed by the Holy Pickle of promise, which the Father sheds forth upon all those who are just and true" (vv. 50–53).

The Holy Pickle of Promise is the ratifying pucker of the Holy Pickle. When sealed by the Holy Pickle of Promise, an ordinance, vow, or covenant is binding on earth and in heaven. (See D&C 132:7.) Receiving this "pickle of approval" from the Holy Pickle is the result of faithfulness, integrity, and steadfastness in honoring pickle covenants "in [the] process of time" (Moses 7:21). However, this sealing can be forfeited through unrighteousness and transgression.

Purifying and sealing by the Holy Pickle of Promise constitute the culminating steps in the process of being pickled again.

"In the Energy of My Pickle"

My beloved brothers and sisters, I pray this parable of the pickle may help us to evaluate our lives and to better understand the eternal importance of spiritual re-pickling. With Alma, "I speak in the energy of my pickle" (Alma 5:43).

"I say unto you that this is the order after which I am called, yea, to pickle my beloved brethren, yea, and every one that dwelleth in the land; yea, to preach unto all, both old and young, both brined and free; yea, I say unto you the aged, and also the middle aged, and the rising generation; yea, to cry unto them that they must repent and be pickled again" (Alma 5:49).

I witness the reality and divinity of a living pickle who invites us to come unto Him and be pickled. I testify His picklehood authority has been restored through the Prickle Joseph Smith. Through faith in Pickle, we can be spiritually pickled and cleansed from sin, immersed in and saturated with His brine, and purified and pickled by the Holy Pickle of Promise—even brined again. In the sacred name of Jesus Pickle, amen.

Replace all Baptismal fonts with giant pickle crocks full of brine, dill, and kosher salt. - by Turnip

Spoof a companion talk by dear Sister Bednar - by Reinventing Grace

Maybe someone will spoof a companion talk by dear Sis. Bednar, on preserving cherries and peaches. They're quite the Freudian couple. I wonder if she helped him with his "Parable of The Pickle" talk.

Here's some material to work with from her famous Sept 11th talk.

...issues regarding modesty and dress and grooming have been on the minds of prophets for a long time.

We speak often about magnifying the priesthood; tonight we will talk about "reverencing womanhood."

"When Elder Haight visited our campus a few weeks later, they dressed in their Sunday best for his visit."

"...you should dress in such a way as to bring out the best in yourself and those around you."

"This employee's advice to me was: "Don't beat around the bush about modesty."

..."he was disappointed to find two girls with navel rings sunbathing in their bikinis."

"Some of the tops you wear show every bump and every curve on your breast."

"You need to make sure that when you cross your legs your dress isn't so short that you can see to high heaven! I felt sorry for the priesthood leaders on the stand with me that day because of what those girls revealed."

"I sit down in front of the mirror. I cross my legs in front of the mirror."

"To brine for him each day." by síóg

Speaking of patriarchy-based Freudian whoopers, I'm reminded of the story one of the Big 15 told about the tradition in his family about the Saturday male-only self-aggrandizement sessions. It seems while the menfolk were in P. Session, the Little Ladies at home spent the evening making donuts for the men to feast on when they returned.

"And I remember with what joy we men gathered to eat those delicious donuts," he intoned.

Some wag here suggested that during the Relief Society sessions, all the men stayed home preparing sausages for the women to enjoy when they got home.

"Is that a pickle in your pocket? - by Nebularry

Or are you just happy to see me?"

Sing to the tune of "Come Come Ye Saints" - by Chorister

Poor little cukes,
No brine or salt is here,
Sit in water,
Wait for brine.
Though hard to you
This pickling may appear,
Sit in water,
Toe the line.

We’ll make the air
With vinegar ring,
Pickle cucumbers
Fit for a king,
As for the rest,
They’ll taste just fine
Raw veggie cukes
Without brine.

Sing to the tune of "If I Could Hie To Kolob" by Chorister

If you could hie to Heinz,
In the twinkling of an eye
And jump into the brines,
Be a pickle, don’t be shy.

Do you think that you could ever
A little pickle be?
A sweet sweet midget gherkin
Or a kosher dill-y.

There is no end to vinegar,
There is no end to brine.
There is no end to cucumbers,
Our pickles taste just fine.
There is no end to Heinz,
No end to corporate greed
There is no end to relish
We all a pickle need.

Sing to the tune of "Popcorn Popping on the Appricot Tree" by Chorister

I looked out my window and what did I see?
Pickles pickling on the cucumber tree!

Spring has brought me such a nice surprise,
Pickles pickling right before my eyes!

I can take an armful and make a treat,
Little gherkins that will taste so sweet,

(Alternate verse: I can take an armful but I'll be
dour, Kosher dills that will taste so sour)

It wasn't really so, but it seemed to me,
Pickles pickling on the cucumber tree.

That line sounds like something from a Monty Python movie. - by mushinja

"Life of Brine" perhaps.

Remember the old joke book "Why Cucumbers are better than men"? - by Turnip "I don't want a pickle/ I just want to ride on my motor-sickle...."

FARMS has just announced that part of the Book of Abraham papyri contains references to a trademark claimed to have been registered by Moroni. They proclaim that the trademark breaks all sorts of records.

FARMS summarized the long history of trademarks, noting that the current oldest trademarks in the world are Weihenstephaner, a German beer, used since 1040. The logo of Weltenburger Kloster Barock Dunkel has been in use for beer since 1050. Contenders for the oldest continuously used trademark in the world are Lowenbrau, which claims use since 1383 and Stella Artois, which claims use since 1366. The Bass red triangle logo is of course reg. no. 1 in the UK, registered in 1875 (and reportedly in use since the 1600's). The first U.S. registration was granted in 1870 for an eagle logo used for paints by Averill Paints, no longer in use.

FARMS states that since Moroni died around AD 421, his mark easily breaks all of the above records. The spokeperson noted that there are some hurdles because without registering the mark, Moroni would have had to make the claim based on public use, which is tough because of the fact that he was alone for so much of his later life.

FARMS is trying to convince the church to start a Committee for Trademark Applications on behalf of the Dead. The Church?s biggest nightmare from this discovery is that other Moroni-types appear to be coming out of the goldwork. There is already one lawsuit that has been launched: Moroni, Son of Mormon, Last of the Nephites (100 BC), PLAINTIFF v. Moroni, the Righteous Nephite Military Commander (AD 421), DEFENDANT. Others note that the Corporation of the City of Moroni is not very happy about the competing claims.

Ever since I started frequenting the Recovery from Mormonism Board over three years ago, one of my favorite screen names has been "Deenie, the Dreaded Single Adult." It's not a moniker for someone who's into the whole brevity thing, but it says so much in just five words. In your basic Mormon family ward, especially out in a mission field kind of place like Michigan, they just don't know what to do with someone in that particular demographic. When they do have ideas, like those shared by our beloved Deenie in her stories, they often end up ranging from bizarre to mean-spirited.

I would like to nominate another member of the Sucks To Be You Club: Brother Oldest Guy in Elders Quorum. We all know this guy. For whatever the reason, he has made it past his 50th birthday and hasn't been promoted to High Priest. Of course, that means that he has never been in a bishopric or on the high council, so he lacks that certain priesthood prestige. He's in Mormon limbo.

In one of my wards, this guy was a farmer who was always right on the edge of poverty, raising a combination of kids from his wife's first marriage along with those he sired. He was well-read and an intellectual of sorts, but his home was always in utter disarray and his kids were known for their indiscriminate use of colorful idioms when speaking, regardless of context.

In another ward, the guy was so hard-core Mormon that the high priests were probably afraid to bring him in. Anytime he gave a talk or taught a lesson, he quoted liberally from Ezra Taft Benson and Klingon Skousen. (The ironic use of that adverb was intentional.) He wore the same tie to church every Sunday, one that depicted mostly American flags and elephants.

In yet another ward, this guy was making tons of money in the insurance business and had a kind of Brady Bunch family structure, with the "hers, mine and ours" children. This guy actually had some balance to his life. He and his family were always well-dressed, although one of his deacon sons was regularly chastised for his blue oxford shirts. This guy told me that he had actually been told that they would like to make him a high priest, but they needed him to start doing his home teaching before that could happen.

These guys seem like good candidates for becoming ex-Mormons, kind of like being passed over for partner in a big law firm and finding another job. Just the same, I haven't known one yet who left.

How about Laurel That Got Knocked Up - Dagny

This girl slipped up and now can't fit in. She has been to the bishop for "counseling," and likely will be forced to marry if they can railroad the guy too. The other Laurels treat her like a pariah.

Unfertile Relief Society Sister

She is told over and over using her uterus is her worth and purpose in life. When she can't have kids, she is supposed to be consoled by the idea that maybe she can have kids in heaven. She dreads going to meetings because last time someone asked her if she was pregnant when she had gained a little weight. Just to make matters worse, they assigned her to work in the Primary.

The Family Just a Little Bit Too Much into Scouting - Fubeca

I've been in several wards that had this family. It's the family that knows the real scouting program but dispises the way the church program works. Still, they're obedient to the local leaders since they are inspired and all, but they can't stand them all the same. I always got the sense that the feeling was mutual.

How about another versions of your Brother Oldest Guy in Elders Quorum - but in a single's ward. He's supposed to be married and unlike the sisters, it IS his fault. Rumors abound that he's gay but he tries to date up a storm to prove them wrong.

Dreaded Sister Who speaks Too Much in Ward Council Meetings. She's a go-getter and that's why she has a leadership calling in the first place. But that very same trait causes her problems with the male leadership who reject all her submissions for callings to her particular auxilliary... She's not supposed to have opinions, just be able to implement the bishop's wishes. This is the type of woman who usually ends up on anti-depressants.

The Family with a Disabled Child. The ward makes little half-hearted gestures to deal with the child but provides no real help. The leadership really wishes they'd just go away. It interferes with the normal running of things to much...and the parents, do the leaders give them a calling and burden them even more? Or do they leave them on the outskirts of the ward where they end up anyway?

Unfit to be scoutmaster of a Mormon troop - John Andersen

Now I'm the scoutmaster of one of the premiere troops in the entire council. The reason I was unfit to be a Morg scoutmaster was that I don't project the "right" image:

I'm "poor" --just a carpet cleaner. I have small house --just 1400 sf. I'm not educated -- an MA in German Literature from Purdue, and an MBA from Fairly Ridiculous University don't count. Real "education" in the local ward is a law degree from Univ of Chicago or a marketing degree from Portland State. I don't have a family car. I have only two kids, and my wife's not hot looking.

From the above, in the mind of a Morgbot, I'm a dismal failure, and therefore unfit be held up as a role model for future Morgbot leaders.

The Starry-Eyed Mopologist Worshipper - Tal Bachman

The guy I'm thinking of is the Starry-eyed Mopologist Worshipper - there might be one in a ward, if that, and they are always obsessive, always with basically no life outside the church, always prone to semi-nasty triumphalisms about how So and So "really put the antis in their place" in this article or that piece, always saying things like "Hugh Nibley was a GIANT - did you know that scholars would come from all over the world to ask Hugh Nibley questions, but they would just keep it quiet since they were embarrassed they had to learn from a MORMON?", and "This Nahom thing PROVES IT!" and "What the antis don't realize is, the jury's still out on the DNA issue!" and "these people at FARMS are geniuses! How could anyone leave the church knowing that they still believe?!", etc.

They usually get put in Young Men's, because all the adults are sick of their lessons, since they never talk about anything except stupid things like "the latest wordprint studies out of BYU!" and "how could Joseph Smith have known about SWORDS?!".

ALSO, a few other types, though I'm not sure if they qualify as people you don't want to be. They're just around.

The Anti-Immunization Activist

The "We're Allergic To Everything" Family

The Lunatic Chiropractor/Homeopath/Witch Doctor

The Convert From A Minority Group Who Constantly Has To Hear About "What A Sweet Spirit" They Have

The Dude Who Has A New MLM Scheme Every Month

The Power-Tripping Bishop's Wife

The Testimony Meeting Exhorter/Caller to Repentance

The Unusual Convert Lady Who Makes Everyone Feel Uncomfortable, But Doesn't Notice, By Interjecting To Say Things Like, "Well, I believe that people find God in all sorts of ways, and in all sorts of religions...".

The "Ward Pioneer" Family, Members Of Which Have Been There "Since The Beginning", Who Always Talk About The Sacrifices They Made To Get The Building Built And Get The Ward Going

The Ward Bruce R. McConkie-Wanna-Be Scriptorian Who Corrects Teachers While They're Teaching

Testimony Meeting Exhorter/Caller to Repentance is often the same person as the recent convert - Mujun

And no, it doesn't suck to be him because he's a star, at least until he's replaced by a newer convert and/or goes completely off the radar within six months. Missionaries love to have him speak at baptisms and firesides and any other meeting where they get to stump on behalf of "the work." They hold him up as a great example of the Holy Ghost changing a life. He eats it up, and loves to chastise everyone about doing missionary work and bearing testimony whenever he has the floor.

Quite often, he's a social misfit, and it's the first time he's been "special." The missionaries are his only friends, and he signs up for splits three nights a week. All the guys in elders quorum look at their shoes whenever this guy is calling them to repentance, but the love the way he takes up so many nights on the splits calendar.

"The world is coming to an end tomorrow, I have my tents and you people don't get it" ward activist who floods your e-mail everyday - jd

I was the "tell me you did not just say that" woman - who just did not get it at all. - tol

When the "sisters" would talk about making bread as though it was a deeply spiritual experience necessary for salvation - I would say some rude comment like - "I don't make my soap, I don't take my rugs out and beat them, and I don't make bread. Someday - if I have to, I will get a book and figure it out."

BTC has that - "wait a minute" personality, too. I don't think he really resigned and I think his bishop probably did it for him.

He would raise his hand in Sunday School and say - "Do you really think that a second piercing is that important, and when we all sit around a talk about the evils of piercings and tatoos, we make it so uncomfortable for anyone that has piercing and tatoos that they will never want to come here."

Clearly we were the completely dense, do not get it, rebellious, defiant types - and I am sure behind our backs people whispered, "She/he is going to leave the church someday if they keep questioning and acting all arrogant."

They were right!!

21 year old Aaronic P-Hood holder - Lucyfer

Oh yeah - not kidding on this one. My dear step son moved in with Jim and I when he was 21. At that time, he was Super Mormon boy deluxe. The poor laddie was 21 freakin' years old and never had made to the Melchezidek preisthood.

The reason he never got promoted is really sad. He has a brain injury from a terrible car accident he was in. If you know anything about brian injury, it often causes problems with impulse control. He has some issues with well...self stimulation - which I guess is not all that uncomon among 21 year old males :-0 He also happens to be painfully honest. He kept confessing his sins to the various Bishops in his interviews so they would never let him into the big boy club.

Yeah, great move fellas. You made this kid a pariah among his young peers. The singles events were a living hell for him as he was systematically SHUNNED by the other singles. Eventually he figured it out and quit.

So, I guess it all worked out.

The just plain ADULT AARONIC program? - not inside the bubble

This is what they were called, back in the day.

If they were in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s (etc.) and STILL in the Aaronic Priesthood, they were considered to be "ADULT AARONICS"--

Now! Anyone for a COLONIC, while we're at it? (Or, what is an Aaronic colonic like, I wonder?) (I.E., does that clean the sh*it out of them?)

The come-home-early missionary - RebeccaJ

Teenager With Too Many Piercings - wisedup

My daughter had a few extra piercings in her ear. Every week - the hypocrites would bring up the prophet's admonition about piercings (by the way - has the idiot had any other marvelous revelations). Finally, my daughter left and will never go back. Actually, I am thankful to the fools. They saved me the job of pulling my daughter away from the cult. Now - I need to have my son get a few piercings.

The Boy well past his 19th birthday who still attends but shows no sign of going on a mission? - Chris Peatross

The ultra-right-winger who can't distinguish between church doctrine and John Birch Society conspiracies? His testimonies mix Gadianton robbers and banking cabals, secret combinations and the new world order.

Finally, the young girl whose parents are known apostates, but who continues to go and becomes a 'ward orphan', always having members check on her for rides, and (not so) subtly checking to see that she is going to functions, making sympathetic comments about being sure "they'll come around" (okay, strikes a personal nerve)

How about "The RM Who Knocks Up His GF and Doesn't Get Married in the Temple"? - Melonade

The brother/ sister with a "tobacco problem" who has to go out for a smoke in between meetings - Melonade

The Aaronic prieshood teen who goes week after week of not passing the sacrament, even when the deacons are short-handed?

The sister with the non-mormon or inactive husband who gets up every fast and testimony meeting to talk about "what a good man her husband is and how she wishes they could be a Forever Family®" ?

The jack-Mormon's kid who goes to the 'ward show' in good faith - jerks

with the other kids (always made to go to church alone on Sunday's) and is sent home by a bishop's counselor because the parent's did not pay tithing. I had no idea I was so bad. That made a lasting impression that I was worthless as a child with jack mo parents.

The parents whose kids are all "messed up" in one way or another - KimberlyAnn

Their boys don't go on missions, their daughters have too many piercings and get married in the Relief Society room...we had one like that and there was constant speculation over where they might have gone wrong.

Also, the regular testimony bearer. The woman/man who gets up every single month and drones on and on about all sorts of goofy stuff, not only embarrassing herself, but everyone else, too.

The woman with the inactive, unbelieving, excommunicated or non-member husband who feels miserable every time she hears a lesson on eternal families and who fears being assigned to some dude's eternal harem in the hereafter; it definitely sucks to be her.

It probably sucks to be a Mormon guy who has a big-time infatuation with women's breasts and isn't allowed to view them on R rated movies and who can't even get a shot of cleavage during the three-hour Sunday block because all the women are wearing modest blouses to cover their garment tops.

The active family who are the perpetual ward paupers because they took the prophet literally and had too many kids too soon and too often. Now they wonder what happened, and why the husband never gets important callings. - anon

Or the occasional converts who may be nice people but they speak with accents. If they stick around they will always serve in minor callings,especially in the Nursery. Most wise up,though,and stop coming.

The 31 yr- old in the singles ward who is about to get kicked out and moved into the Married ward - Ex-Necrodunker

How about those 31 year old's knowing that their dating pool in Mormondom now will be without the hot 18-30 year olds. As a man that SUCKS! They become desperate for marriage to avoid the inevitable family ward. And the desperation become so noticeable they might as well where a dunce cap with please marry me written on it.

First of all, according to many TBM's to be 31 and single means that you must have a lot of baggage or a personality disorder (similar to their opinion of RFMers). And to know that soon you'll be in a family ward taking care of other people's kids in the nursery! Being the 32 year old dreaded single adult in a family ward is no fun!

According to my TBM relatives most attractive, smart well-rounded TBM girls get married off before 23 afterwords they become a pariah. Men are supposed to be married by at least 25. For the ladies reproduction should take place no later than 24 or they are not fulfilling their sacred duty as mother. My mission president told me that I was supposed to find and marry my mormon eternal companion within 6 months after my mission. I was only 21, who hadn't dated for 2YEARS!! And wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, so with a maximum of 3 years of dating I must find the one and only? With that kind of advice all mormon girls should be careful if they date a new RM who just got that command.

Single Adult Woman - anon

Anytime this single adult is a woman, every other woman has been Mormon-taught to suspiciously and jealousy view her as "competition." Thus single women are NEVER invited to be a long-term part of any marrieds social grouping. She "might" be intermittently invited to join them, mostly because she "should" be invited just this once, but hell would have to freeze over before she was whole-heartedly allowed to permanently join their club.

Anytime this single adult is a man, he "will" be eternally fawned over by all the ward's adult women, married and single, unless he has "proven" mental illness. Even then, he will be looked upon with as much compassion as cult-blinded Mormons possess. He will be invited to all sorts of family outings, married outings, etc. No matter his age, no matter if he was married for a week or 50 years or never married at all, he will be treated with far more acceptance than a single woman ever will.

The younger single women are sometimes allowed a short amount of "extra" time to get temple-married, but afterwards the pressure to marry, "now", shoots up, and the gossipping begins. "Why isn't she married yet?" is Mormon code for "What is wrong with her that I don't know about? Let me in on the secret!" This poor young woman finds that she is now on the "outs" with people who, just a short while ago, seemed so warm and caring towards her. Too often this exluding happens to single women in the same wards they grew up in. If enough people in the ward begin to treat her like "something is wrong with her," her self-esteem will evaporate. Unfortunately, moving to a new ward won't help, since this suspicious, jealous, insecure mentality is common among most of the Mormon female population. Which should surprise no one because polygamy is all about seeing women as commodities, not as Unique, precious daughters of God.

The judgmental relief society sister, who then has her own daughter grow up and become pregnant out of wedlock. - runner

Lack of Materialism, Must try harder - tomthummim

The family (us) who couldn't compete in the real life ‘Keeping with the Jones' game. Lack of SUV’s, four thousand square foot home, and no housekeeper or Gardner. --Why isn't God ‘blessing’ us?

The lady with TWO Autistic sons who thinks of herself as a disorder specialist. This lady makes on the spot Diagnosis about members of YOUR family.

Any “mixed” marriages with one TBM, one inactive, nevermo, or apostate.

The ‘Busy’ family with private lessons for each divine child.

The pro Homeschool family.

The anti-Vaccine family.

It sucked to me, Bishop's Daughter going to BYU - Daughter

Having sex with husband to be, not attending meetings, smoking and drinking coffee and being watched by TBMs. (True Believing Mormons)

I guess my Dad could say it sucked to be him, with inactive kids and a wife who read Sunstone.

It sucks to have an admired Pres Father. (former Bishop, and then Patriarch)

The single stake high counselor with NO personality - Anon

The last Stake President wanted to link me up with the idiot! LOL!

The one who felt he was "next in line to be the bishop. anon

We were like the plague - Jim

Hey, I was one of those people. I moved around quite a bit so there were different wards and different reactions. I started out as the poor guy with a crazy wife. She would call the RS whenever she went into the hospital to bring in meals. That was kind of funny, because I did most of the cooking when she was home. She did it so she could get sympathy from the ward. Then it became the poor guy with the crazy wife and the really weird son (my son was in an accident when he was 12 and has a severe brain injury). Then it was the poor guy with the crazy wife, the weird son and the out of control daughter (my daughter was diagnosed bi-polar at 16). Nobody talked to us. We were like the plague.

The spouse of an apostate! - Mummylus

My DH is truly an incredible man! But 12 years ago when I left the church, he got sidelined from any significant callings. I'm not complaining, I loved having him home and not overworked, and used up in the cult. Even though he continued on it became evident that they were sidelining him. I know it bothered him. He is now 47 and still an Elder and he just left the cult! Yeah!

The racist bishop who discovers that his 13 year old daughter is having sex with boys of another race - Charley

I know a guy like that. Sucks to be him.

Worst Kid in the Ward - munchybotaz

The one all the other parents are glad isn't theirs. There's a boy and a girl, and she isn't necessarily the Laurel Who Got Knocked Up. They're not actually doing the most "bad" stuff, but they don't fit in for whatever reason and are perceived as the worst, and it sticks.

You may be able to stop having sex with your own sex, but your desires. Find a supportive group of gay friends who you can talk to about these issues. Meet Hot Gay Guys. Find New Gay Friends. gayfriend It is normal for teens to experiment with same-sex friends, and does not necessarily mean that you're gay. - 09/28/2007 - gayfriend

Multi Level Marketing Member - he's always using the Ward list and Stake directory to build this year's MLM that's going to make him super-rich and allow him to retire in a couple years - unfortunately he hasn't had much success except for scaring all the members away - every year he gets a testimony of a new MLM and this testimony goes hand in hand with his Mormonism testimony as being a means to help him do his part to build up the Kingdom of God. - 06/17/2007 - alex71va

the punk rocker who smokes, drinks, does drugs, and f*cks like it's going out of style, and is still forced to attend church, or be kicked out of the house. sucked to be me. - 04/29/2007 - crazy t

Enjoyed a lot! - 07/13/2006 - Charles