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These search terms have been highlighted: mormon motors 

Mormonopoly Mormon Money Machine LDS

The tacky and tasteless way to make a buck behind the Zion Curtain. Please add you suggestions in the box below.

Mormon Motors - Models designed for the Lard's Chosen People

04/27/2006 by D. P. Gumby and cricket

Mormon Motors

I think auto manufacturers are missing a tremendous opportunity in marketing to the "fastest growing church on Earth". Therefore, I submit the following:

Ford Tapir - redesigned Mustang intended especially for FARMS members. Chevy Curelom - GMs answer to the Tapir.
Acura Apostate - for the exmo crowd. Buick Brigham -  for those who never made it past Sunday School President.
Cadillac Kolob - for GAs and near GAs. Daewoo Deseret - for those still laboring in the nursery.
Dodge Rameumptom - towers above all other pickups. Jeep Lamanite - self-explanatory.
Honda Handcart - for members needing a cheap, unreliable source of transportation.
Just don't try to cross Wyoming in the winter. Infiniti Qo12  - for those not quite righteous enough for the Kolob - like bishops
and SPs.
Jaguar JS200 - special bicentennial edition. Joe would have loved this one, it's
great for picking up chicks. Ford LGT - full-size sedan mostly seen in Central America. Will not go to upstate
New York under any circumstances.
Lexus LDS300 - Large SUV for those members trying to keep up with the Smiths. Comes
with Liahona brand GPS system. Lincoln Mark E - only comes in white.
Mercury Moroni - Ask God with a sincere heart, with real intent, if this isn't the
right car for you! Mitsubishi Mishie - cute little two-seat economy car. LD$, Inc. buys a whole fleet
of identical ones. Won't run unless both seats are occupied.
Packer - handmade in a little factory in the middle of Happy Valley. Pontiac Polygamist - best selling minivan in Colorado City.
Porsche Hinckster - for the Mormon sports car enthusiast. Scion Zion - economy car for Mormon singles.
Suzuki Shiz - sorry folks, but this one is deader than a doornail. Toyota Tabernacle - super-sized van with seating capacity of 10 for those extra 
special Mo families.
Triumph TBM - one for the British members. Volkswagen Vision - comes in three versions: four door sedan, hatchback, and convertible
- 'cause you just never know when you're gonna want to change things.
Mormon Meteor - Josesph Smith's fast priesthood. Rambler Romney Republican 2006.
Edsel Everlast - Transport to Jackson County.


03/21/2005 by Inside-outsider

It's the World's Perfect Business Scheme and you can do it too. Just start your own "Afterlife Insurance Company" then make the greatest promise humanly imaginable -- promise your clients that if they totally obey you and pay their premiums, after death they'll become Gods! In fact, polygamous Gods who'll have eternal sex with innumerable partners! Until then, they'll enjoy moral supremacy over all humanity. You do need to claim that you're a prophet of God however, but this is the easiest claim on earth to make and no one can prove you're lying. Here's your big payoff

Using the power of your "Afterlife Insurance Company":

You demand a whopping ten percent of each client's income for their policy premiums and...

You publicly humiliate anyone who questions you or fails to pay. This power is so great that...

You can even ban clients from attending things like family weddings! And yet, the absurd irony is...

You don't have to prove to anyone that your Afterlife Insurance Company actually works, so...

You are worry free because, in this business, all your disillusioned customers are dead. Therefore...

You never pay off a single claim (although you literally promised the Universe). Then, incredibly...

You reverse the Burden of Proof--If others don't magically know you're right--they're wrong! Now...

You destroy rational thought with the delusion that deeply feeling it's true is all that matters. Soon...

You addict clients so forcefully to your fantasy they fear they can't live without it! From all this...

You urge mass lying (re: the Emperor's New Clothes) by saying "All worthy people will know it's true."

You now multiply this gullibility with the following arsenal of business weapons --

You exploit your very clients as free labor to run your business for you, even on Sundays.

You command a massive volunteer sales force that must actually pay its own expenses.

You endure almost no outside government interference and with limited regulation and...

You have no inner accountability either, such as member or stockholder oversight! Better yet...

You run a company that pays no taxes, but instead enjoys tax-subsidized dues. Then for comfort...

You answer only to your inside buddies for your personal pay and perks! But not stopping there...

You find abundant opportunities for nepotism and cronyism even outside the firm, because...

You freely raise large venture capital funds for unrelated business schemes. And all this time...

You enjoy total administrative, financial and clubhouse secrecy. Now, Jaded by your aloof stature...

You callously use emotional, social and spiritual extortion as powerful revenue tactics. Coldly...

You hold hostage a family's togetherness in the hereafter, plus their closeness here. And amazingly...

You even intimidate your clients literally down to their underwear. Then for good measure...

You claim the right to acquire all their worldly possessions too! Your disrespect is so deep that...

You require them to make dour commitments, before even telling them what they're agreeing to! Yet...

You still passionately kindle their hero worship with great theatrical skill, because, as Matthew put it...

You wear charming sheep's clothing that makes False Prophets seem so totally respectable. Finally...

You exercise massive social, political and economic clout. And the proverbial "fruits" abound --

You and your cohorts rule vast empires wielding your colossal power and wealth!

This Great Mormon Money Machine is perfect, it's just Lies,Dollars and Sanctimony

Two facts expose this money-making scheme: (1) The LDS church is one of the wealthiest religions in America while, (2) Mormon-dominated Utah is consistently first in personal bankruptcies. The Church gets rich--as members get poor. These two undisputed facts display the final outcome (fruits) of Mormonism and, according to Matthew, such fruits reveal False Prophets.


Ever notice how the Gordie figure looks like Gorbachev? Gorbie B. Hinkichev - 02/01/2004 - anon

Boyd K Packer protective sheath for your tallywhacker. Emblazoned with "Do not tamper with release valve." - 10/16/2003 - anon

Deseret Book's tacky CRT Girl bookends and Jesus loves everyone figurine

Stripling Warrior watch(Mamma's Boys) and sign language "I love you" necklace - 11/11/2001 by Nephihaha

Home Teaching Tracker - very tacky, but it is free.

Latter Day Skates CTR - Carve The Road.

"I printed over 10,000 games and will have sold them all in about one year, slowly but surely." - 10/16/2000 - Neal Moore

For only $174.50 you can buy Gordon B. Hinckley on a pedastal that plays "We Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet" at the push of the little black button. For only $229.98 you can buy The Carthage Jail which plays "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" at the push of the little black button. Available at Sunstone International

Mormon Missonary Door Knocker - Brass knuckles for the Mishies

Mormon Missonary Countdown Clock - Can also be used as countdown for next Space Shuttle launch to Kolob

The Golden Plates by Cumorah Classics for $1,400.00 - golden in more ways than one!

The Missionary Game AKA The Dunking Game
09/06/2000 - submitted by James F.

The Temple Square Casket - rise forth in Mo-style

04/15/2000 - submitted by anon

The Liahona Missionary Bicycle - get your millennium edition now
12/12/99 by cricket

10/10/2000 - anon
A "date" with the prophet's wife. Includes the Friday mandatory performance.

10/05/2000 - Dr. Laura
"Mormonol"- Haldol/Thorazine combination for converts (you know, to help them fit in).

The Boyd K. Packer anti-masturbation ring: "DLLTF" - "Don't Let Loose The Factory!!!"

Prozac suppositories. So the whole family will think they're happy.

Auction off the bloody garments that previous Counselor to the bishop Scott Falater was wearing the night that he stabbed his wife 44 times!

Automatic electric masturbator- so you can honestly answer the Bishop...."NO, I DIDN'T!" (Because the jizmaster did it FOR you!)

Low-cost, previously worn garments. In yellow, brown , or calico.

LDS Bicycle built for two: Watch your partner's ass.

Celestial sex with an anatomically correct and erect statue of President and Prophet Joseph Smith. This service for endowed members, only. Please wipe after each use. - 10/01/2000 - L. Snell, Sacramento, CA


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