Yes, Mormons are a "peculiar people". Please submit any peculiarites that you have noticed in the box below.
You might be a former TBM (True Believing Mormon) if...
If you believe that floating is a real thing, and that sperm can't travel unless there is actual thrusting involved. LMAO - 10/12/2013 - Glad I didn't drink the Koolaid.
If you dump your non-mormon girlfriend by way of a hate-filled " unworthiness" letter, then proceed to "floating" with the first mormon girl you meet at a mormon youth group, and impregnating her, but that is Ok, because you eventually marry her even while professing that you don't love her to that same non-mormon girlfriend whom you have re-connected with again and are calling on daily basis. - 10/12/2013 - Dodged a Bullet!
You french kissed your first girlfriend for hours but when she wanted to dry hump you declined because you wanted to feel worthy to bless the sacrament the next day.
A few months before your mission, you had to see your bishop because you woke up one morning with your hand around your penis and thought you had masturbated.
You were married before you learned how to masturbate, and even then you felt guilty about it.
You secretly hate garments because they make your gorgeous 23 year old wife look about as sexy as her 70 year old grandma.
While married, you fantasize about having had premarital sex with your wife. (Both of you were virgins on your wedding night.)
Your wife mentions to your bishop that you are starting to question the church, and he immediately asks if you are into pornography. (Because "no one" leaves the church for any reason other than unresolved sin.)
Your bishop asks you to wear a white shirt to sacrament meeting, and you ask him to show you in the Church Handbook of Instructions where it says you have to do that. (He can't.)
You didn't believe in evolution until you heard it taught in Biology 100 at BYU. Then, you start to realize that maybe God isn't necessary for explaining the universe.
You were well into your twenties before you started to have original thoughts.
You are starting to get past your bitterness and laugh a little over some of the hokey things you did as a believing mormon. - 03/19/2010 - Queen Benjiman
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MORMON, WHEN YOU READ THIS BIGOTROUS SLANDER AND KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE FOLLOWER OF CHRIST AND IT IS NO ONES RIGHT TO JUDGE ANOTHER! GOD BLESS ALL OF THE IGNORANCE HERE! - 03/19/2010 - LDSinNC
You might be a mormon if abortion is a high sin but enlisting in the military to go 'kill the infidels' is a mission and a calling. - 11/08/2009 - laugh-a-lot
You might be a Mormon if you take a walk around your neighborhood to stop and gossip about everyone !!! 05/12/2009 - Stephanie
When you were little, instead of going to Disneyland, your parent's idea of a fun vacation was going to Nauvoo, Illinois. - 03/24/2009 - kmoran
When your idea of an awesome potluck dish consists of at least one of jello, white bread, or funeral potatoes. - 12/14/2008 - fomo-momo
you have never heard of the Mountain Meadows Massacre
you feel it isn't your place to ask questions.
you have know idea how to please your spouse sexually and the very thought makes you feel a little dirty in any case.
the fact that there are three physical hill camora sites and 1 intangible site claimed by the church doesn't make you wonder.
you look at a state certified timeline of history and ask "hey, where's Lehi and all those guys." - 11/16/2008 - proudapostate
You might be a mormon redneck if you live in Spanish Fark - 09/26/2008 - anon
you might be a mormon if you stand in front of the bathroom mirror and look at your fully erect penis and say to yourself, "damn, I only wish the church wasn't true!" - 08/22/20008 - shemboy
You might be a mormon if the truth about your church pisses you off! - 04/12/2008 - Danna
When the phone salesperson asks (regarding school loans) "Is this her father or her husband?" and you answer, "both, we is Mormon." - 04/09/2008 - where are the male kids, guys?
You must be a Mormon if your mom is a complete Psycho and throws all your black clothes away because its an evil color. - 02/24/2008 - exmormon
If everytime something bad happens to you, you think, "I must endure to the end" - 11/26/2007 - DPress
If you love the people who is slandering your church, like the ones who are writing these comments. Even though they are bitter because of unfortunate circumstances, you still have compasion for them and wont judge them for slandering the church. - 11/09/2007 - anon
You might be a Mormon if you find this list completely moronic, void of wit, filled with bigotry, and ensconced in lies.
- 09/14/2007 - anon
You know that you are the only true church in the world. - 09/08/2007 - Rodney
You pronounce MORONi correctly.
You can read Reformed Egyptian.
You feel your magic undies protect you from machine gun fire.
You think a saddled tapir makes a great war horse.
You joined to give up booze, coffee, soda pop and spouse abuse.
ALA Glen Beck, Talk Radio and TV Personallity - 09/30/2007 - jonnyputt
You might be a mormon if you don't beleive most of the comments on this page - 11/05/2007 - Mormon Spelling Bee Champ
The first thing your folks say when you meet a new friend is, "Is he a member?" - 11/17/2007 - anon
You might be a mormon if you think whoever started this web site should be excomunicated.
You might be a mormon if "the chruch" means the mormon church and after saying that you feel guilt becuase they told you to only call it "The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints". But you live in Utah and every mormon you say "the church" too knows what you mean. Oh no, I feel guilt again.
Someone is offended? I was rasied mormon and I would say a lot of these jokes are pertty true! I don't think any one who reads this si really going to make a descision about mormonas or "the church" by reading this! 10/11/2007 Really NOT offended!
You might be a mormon if you think you can eat at Chuck-A-Rama whenever they are open, no matter the day. - 10/12/2007 - what the?!
At some point, you encourage every professionAL woman with children in your workplace to consider finding her tru calling and be a stay at home mom like god intended it. - 10/12/2007 - anon
The best place for a family dinner is RC Willey when they hand out free hotdogs and cokes.
You think your awful whiny children are really just "tired".
The bishops daughter gets around more than the cheerleaders.
When faced with any tough questions about the book of Mormon you say, "that's when faith comes in".
you think your faith is so true that you don't ever take the time to look into it or ask questions.
I know more about the Mormon history than you do.
You really don't think the Mormon religion is a cult.
You don't let your children play with the non-Mormons even though your kids are the bad influence.
You're cheap as hell and tip very bad.
Your're a slimeball businessman. - 07/27/2007 - Sean S
You spoil your grandchildren that are members, but ignore the ones who aren't. - 04/10/2007 - marriedtoaformermo
Your eyes appear as if they are on the side of your square head. - 04/15/2007 - bonnie abzug
Your daughter says a man raped her and you believe the man.
Your daughter says a man raped her and you ask if he's been on a mission.
You believe that Protestants and Cathloics are simple minded fools, blinded by money grubbing clergy.
You call Protestants and Cathloic Churches "The Great Whore" then wonder why they don't like you.
You are offended by the sight of a black man drinking a Pepsi.
You dont find it suspicious that you give ten percent of your income to a group that wont tell you waht they do with it.
You think evolution is crazy and full of holes, but a white skined Jew in Guatmala riding a tapir with steel armor to see jesus explain how to get your planet has been proved again and again.
You have never actually see a tapir.
You would have let your daughter date Joespeh Smith. After he cut his hair.
You think that a self proclaimed prophet with three years of formal schooling is better at reading Egyptian then an actual Egyptologist.
You think, well actually, you don't
You think that a Mayan glyph showing a tree confirms the Book of Mormon.
You think that a religion which maintains that God is still changing his mind and fixing stuff almsot two hundred years after he sent down the truth is pretty trustworthy. So are his prophets here on earth.
You have never missed a day of church, but you have missed three of your children's births.
You blame your state's high teen sucide rate on masterbation and coffee.
You would never send your child to a nutty collage like Bob Jones University.
You believe that a murder will get a better deal in the after life then any one who rejects his faith.
You have a cousin who left the chuch, but you dont talk about him.
You cannat count your children on both hands.
You stop having kids after the Book of Mormon runs out of names.
You vote Republican but state that it is the lesser of two evils.
You realize that you are living an elabortly crafted lie by profit mongering fake prophets who have cheated and brainwashed you. Then you put a scoop full of Green Jello on your plate and ask Brother Jared how his mission to New Jersey was.
You won't watch Battlestar Galatica because you're worried their might be a comercial for pepsi.
You think that Battlestar Galatica is a good witnessing tool
Your testimony sounds exactly like everyone elses and you still think its powerful
You would take a bullet for Gorden Hinkley.
You trust FARMS more then national geographic, the smithsonian, and archelogists in general.
You notice that at any one point you know at least two pregneat women.
You have every said "We are not a cult. Id love to explain, but I have to be back at the temple at six for a blood attonment"
You think that black people are bigfoot are closer related then black people and you
You are relieved when your eighteen year old daughter finally settles down with the second man she has ever dated.
You realize that your could script your entire life and no one would notice.
You were glad that the only athelete killed at Columbine was black. (Rim Shot)
You think that the poligmysts are confused.
You can find an answer to anything in your Scrptures.
You thought the F word as a kid was Flip.
You had sex explained to you by your father on the day you were married.
You thought that the Birds and the Bees were a rock band.
You see that teen pregnancy is on the rise and thin it means imaculate conception is on the rise.
You were frustrated that you and your spouse had sex and failed to concive.
You have ever prayed to heal a mother with eight children's infertility
You have just as many titles as you have rooms in your house.
You wonder how exmormons live with out scriptures, church leaders and family telling them how to.
You fear that you were not completly underwater uring your babtism.
You fear that gay jewish black pagans will kidnapp you, take off your pants and reveal the secret underware to the world.
You would rather kill your wife then let her have an abortion - 03/25/2007 - Squidbones
You say things like, "oh my heck," "what the devil," and "gol." - 03/25/2007 - kell
Get sick and tired of people with issues against the lds church and turn their back on it blaming people and whatever they can to justify it by writing crap like this. - 03/24/2007 - anon
You might be a Mormon if you were emotionally abused as a child by being told you had to follow the "Mormon teachings" or you would never see your mommy or daddy in heaven. - 03/23/2007 - anon
Your might be a Mormon if you are too afraid to do serious non-biased research into the origins of Mormonism and to study the truth of early Christianity. - 03/21/2007 - seenit
You might be a Mormon if you bait young non-Mormon girls into falling in love with you so you can convert them and marry them(flirt to convert)thereby breaking their parents hearts and destroying families forever. - 03/20/2007 - telltheworldthetruth
You might be a Mormon if you're only "yourself" when there's no other Mormon's around. - 03/19/2007 - observer
You might be a Mormon mother if you think it's o.k. for your son to con a non-Mormon girl into converting (with your assistance) and marrying him in a cult "Temple wedding" but would scream, yell, rant, rave, and go to the ends of the earth to stop your son from converting to Christianity and to marry in a Christian church. - 03/17/2007 - no more lies
You are a conservatitve republican who lives in the state of UT and is ignorant and selfish about what they belive, won't give culture and idea a chance because you feel you have it all figured out as an ignorant conservative. - 03/16/2007 - Derek VanDoren - Heber, UT
You believe that in the early days of the church that polygamy was necessary. the women needed the men. they were just 'spiritual' wives supported only financially and emotionally-not sexually. - 03/10/2007 - anon
If you think kool-aid and bolgna sandwiches are what's traditionally served to guests at a wedding reception. - 07/07/2006 - pixiemonroe
Mormon if you quit having children at 32, becuase 33 it just too friggin many. - 05/05/2006 - Flip
You think that the only good spouse for you would be one whous skirt is touching at least the ground.Others with skirts that are 1 inch higher than the heel are sinners,cursed, tempted ,unworthy of a gospel knower. - 04/22/2006 - Mormon?
You believe Joseph Smith's and Jesus's deaths are shockingly similiar-In that they both went 'as a lamb to the slaughter.' Disregarding the known fact that Joseph Smith killed three people on his way down. Very lamb-like I'd say. - 02/01/2006 - SoCal Kid
You believe a man can become a God, but you don't believe in evolution. - 11/27/2005 - lightfingerlouie
You have a lot more Grand Grandmas than Great Grandpas.
Gladys Knight is your favorite black recording artist ... in fact, she might be your favorite black person ...
You have told people that Salt Lake City is an important cultural centre.
You have told people that BYU is a “great academic institution”.
One of your kids was accepted by several Ivy League schools and BYU, and went to the "Y" because "some things are more important than education".
You have mentioned the outcome of a college football game while praying at any time during the past month.
You think God cares about college football.
When you smash your thumb with a hammer you say something like “FEEEEEEETCH!”.
You tasted wine once, thought it was disgusting, and have wondered ever since how anyone could like it.
When that nice investment advisor promised you that your money would triple next month if you gave it to him to invest for you, you felt so wonderful inside that you knew God was finally going to bless you so that you could pay off your first, second and third mortgages and go on a mission!
You are profoundly overweight, seldom exercise, and feel righteous when while enjoying your second desert at the buffet restaurant you see a guy who looks like he runs marathons abusing his body by drinking a glass of wine. - 10/29/2005 - Bob McCue
You tell people that you cannot disclose anything about the temple, even though it's online.
You pay ten percent of your cat food to the bishop in keeping with the commandment, because you want to be honest in your dealings with your fellow man.
You offer 10 percent of your home for use to the local ward
You believe the WoW was divinely instituted, despite the fact that people tell you that 'Ol Joe drank beer.
You ardently raise your right arm to the square when you sustain tanyone, no matter what it is. For example you raise your right arm to the square when you find out that your best friend is going fly fishing. - 10/29/2005 - Jason
When someone knocks on your door, you instinctively say in your head, "What is wanted?"
When you get a bonus or monetary gift, you immediately deduct 10% in your head to determine how much of it you actually get to keep.
You've ever checked the bottom of your shorts legs to make sure your underpants weren't sticking out.
All your friends are Mormon.
You have to take two vehicles on the family road trip.
Your bed sits over several #10 cans of wheat, rice, and potato pearls.
You have a child named Lehi or Teancum. Or Mahonri Moriancumr.
You can talk about God in a foreign language, but can't conduct business in that same language.
You don't know Joseph Smith was a polygamist.
You believe that Mayans once cruised the countryside on horseback, weilding steel swords and centurion armor.
You refrain from eating Klondike bars because the chocolate coating has liqueur in it. - 10/29/2005 - Hugh the Free Morgbot
You have a wedding reception where the mother of the bride is pregnant but the bride isn't! - 10/29/2005 - Lazlo
you believe that when Brigham Young said "this is the place"; he meant it as a statement and not a question. - 10/29/2005 - elnephi
You consider the republican party to be more righteous and worthy than any of the others.
You've written Harry Reid to call him to repentance.
While dating, a little petting and oral sex was forgivable but you'd die before touching a cup of coffee even once.
You see nothing odd about wedding receptions being held at an indoor basketball court.
You are sure God directs us to our car keys after a little prayer, but decides not to intervene on our behalf in trivial things like war, abuse and natural disasters .
You love,respect and believe in the equality of all of God's children, yet you pray in gratitude that you were valiant enough in the pre-existence to be born into the conditions that you were.
You regularly discuss your underwear in private behind a closed door with a 50 year old man - and think nothing about it.
You send your adolescent kids into that same room with that same man behind the same closed door - and think nothing of it. - 10/29/2005 - Fubeca
You have no problem excluding non-member family from witnessing temple marriage ceremonies, but would scream persecution from the top of your lungs if you are ever denied anything based on your religion.
You think families that go to the lake together on Sundays are evil and missing out.
You believe that the sun gets its light from a superior star called Kolob (still shaking my head on that one).
You call the corner of a school where the only two non-Mormon teachers have classrooms, "outer darkness."
You think tank tops are immoral.
You believe people who drink are immoral. - 10/29/2005 - Skeptical
The Local food bank comes to you asking for food during disasters.
You don't drink tea or coffee, but have no problem drinking hot chocolate, Mountain Dew, Coke, Pepsi, Surge, and Herbal Teas
You think people who have mohawks and earrings in their nose look funny, but think you look cool sporting a green apron and a chiefs cap
Have ever considered flirting with a coworker when your married because the law against polygamy could be lifted any time and you want to keep your prospects open.
Refuse to watch historically accurate films and documentaries because they are rated R
Think National Geographic is a porno mag. - 10/29/2005 - Zedius
You know what the hell the term "Miamaid" means.
You have children and grandchildren of approx. the same age.
You carry a briefcase to church every sunday for no apparent reason.
You attained the rank of Eagle, but don't know the scout, oath, motto, or really a damn thing about the boy scouts.
You have a brother named "Jared"...making you, of course..."The Brother of Jared".
You know how to pronounce the names "Nephi", "Lehi", and many other names of make-believe characters.
The term "My Heck" doesn't sound completely f'ing stupid to you.
You use the term "Negro" out of respect for one of another race than you.
You consider Thurl Bailey to be the wisest and most entertaining of all "Negroes".
Your most hated football team is whoever happens to be playing against BYU on any given weekend.
You are a total weenie, you associate only with total weenies, and you are completely unaware of it.
It's ok for you to have sex, repent and go on a mission...but you will marry only a virgin.
You won't "take the Lord's name in vain, say shit if you had a mouthful of it, say fuck if you're pissed off", even in private...but you'll lie, cheat, steal and fuck over anyone any chance you get...as long as you think you can do it without being found out. - 10/29/2005 - EZnow
You're afraid of someone because they're smoking a cigarette. - 10/29/2005 - In the Rabbit Hole
Your sacred skivvies ride up your butt crack and you think that makes you holy. - 10/29/2005 - SD
If you think that birds eating bugs is a "miracle," you might be a Mormon. - 10/29/2005 - Randy J
-Your spurs show underneath your baptismal clothes.
-You take your scriptures line dancing with you.
-You yell "Giddianhi" to get your horse to trot.
-You wear a black raccoon mask, cape, and wave your sword wildly - calling yourself "The Mighty Zoram"
-Your morning prayers always end with 'And please bless Pa to stop his cussin'
-Your favorite pastdtime is roping your Polygamist friends
-Your dog's bark sounds like 'Wilford WoodRuff'
-Your idea of 'FHE' is 'Family Hoedown Evenin'
-You use your tractor license as a temple recommend
-Your Grandma's cookie jar is filled to the brim with chewed sunflower seed shells
-The sign on your Bishop's Office door reads 'No more corn this week as a substitute for tithing money...
'-You go home teaching in the tractor
-You consider milking your cow named 'Sariah' on Sunday as keeping the Sabbath Day holy
-Your belt buckle has a temple on it.
-You think that CTR stands for 'Cowboys Take Risks'
-You invited Faith Hill to sing in Sacrament Meeting
-You have seminary out in the barn
-You used-ta-could say all 13 articles of faith
-You plow your field in the shape of the tree of life.
-Your ex-girlfriend, Mother-in-law, and 3rd cousin all have the same maiden name : 'Young'
-Your brothers and sisters still share bunk beds ; all 7 of them
-Your idea of an expensive date is taking the girl to a rodeo, then McDonald's for ice cream after.
-Your idea of a cheap date is watching the rodeo from the parking lot then McDonald's for water after.
-Fasting isn't hard as long as you can "just have a smell" of what Ma's cookin' for Sunday dinner.
-If you pray before and after you watch the Superbowl (....and please bless Steve Young, our brother in the faith...)
-You've kissed 3 out of 5 of your sister's best friends at youth conference.
-You named your broken-legged donkey "Lemuel" - (Lame Mule) - Cameron Scott - Sandy, Utah (2002) submitted by SusieQ#1
Rain, snow, sleet are referred to as "moisture."
Orem is pronounced arm.
It's legal for men to lust after pretty young women as long as they're doing it with a view toward polygamy in the celestial kingdom.
It's ok to drink a caffeinated punch unless it's called iced tea.
You think that Jesus laughs it up and jokes now and then with a prophet in a temple.
You think various handshakes and oaths are needed to get into heaven
You're a woman and are OK with the idea of polygamy in the next life or in the early days of the church.
You're a man and are OK (love and look forward to) the idea of polygamy in the next life or in the early days of the church.
You're a man and you think you can make all of the important decisions regarding your wife and children.
You are a woman and enjoy anything but missionary style sex. - 10/29/2005 - Lowtide
You only believe the last thing your leaders tell you to believe. - 10/29/2005 - Morgthumper
all your dishes have masking tape stuck to the bottom with your name on it.
...you think jello is one of the major food groups and is a salad.
...you eat enough sugar to induce a diabetic coma on a healthy person, yet you think those who drink coffee or tea are going to outer darkness.
...heck is for those people who don't believe in Gosh.
...you have a kid in diapers and another on a mission.
...you see nothing wrong with banning non-member parents from their child's wedding.
...you think it's ok to watch football on Sunday only if a direct descendant from BY is playing.
...you postdate your checks when shopping on Sunday. 10/29/2005 - Fedelm
You're older than one of your uncles.
You might be a Mormon if you know for certain in your heart of hearts that none of the castaways on Gilligan's Island ever spent a night in anyone's hut but their own. - 10/29/2005 - SL Cabbie
you think the three Nephites are still walking the earth.
You have had experiences in the temple that are too sacred to recount.
You know that you were cured by faith (and a blessing) of a urinary tract infection so you could play the organ for Sacrament meeting.
You think that Jeepers Creepers is swearing and you might as well say: Jesus Christ and be done with it.
You and your spouse keep your temple clothing in matching little suitcases in the closet.
You don't take off your temple garments when going to an LDS doctor.
You try to shop at stores owned by Mormons.
You have been an Amway, and NuSkin consultant. - 10/29/2005 - SusieQ#1
you drink your coke or pepsi from a brown paper bag. - 10/29/2005 - KC Exmo
you believe that the "Heavenly Father" they ask you to pray to with them, is really an exalted man that lives on a planet near the star base Kolob, and is not the Heavenly Father of the Bible at all.
you live in the state of Utah, which is predominately Mormon, has a higher than the national average of wife-beating, child abuse, and teenage suicide.
if you expect Christ to return to the temple in Missouri, but haven't built the temple He's supposed to return to, because they don't own the property. (It is owned by the "Temple Lot Mormons" who have plans of their own, and won't let the Salt Lake City group buy it). - 08/07/2005 - anon
You think a MOP makes a great wedding present (true gift). - 07/11/2005 - anon
You were lied to, deceived, brain-washed, and after joining you heard the phrase "Thats another sucker on my list. Elder Smith." - 07/10/2005 - anon
If you are a TBM (True Believing Mormon) male, and are between the ages of 25 to 90, you can not answer any questions your Sunday School or Priesthood instructor asks you, without using the phrase, "That reminds me of an experience I had when I was on my mission...." You cannot give a talk in Sacrament meeting without saying "While I was on my mission...." - 07/10/2005 - anon
You believe that tithe is a test of faith.
You believe that ten percent of your hard earnings is a reasonable request. Because God always seems to need more money.. HMM
You believe that ten percent is a reasonable request to be part of the temple club. - 04/29/2005 - from FUGDEULDS
You are only 21 and are called a "High Priest." - 02/13/2005 - from Brazil Ex Mish
You don't make fun of other people's religon on the internet because you have alife and respect for others and their beliefs... - 02/08/2005 - anon
Editor's Note: Anon has overlooked the fact that www.lds.org currently has this on the official website - "I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”
And Bruce R McConkie published a book called Mormon Doctrine explicitly describing the Catholic Church as "the great and abominable church." Also the temple endowment recently had a "pastor or preacher" in the ceremony who was berated and made a fool of. Current apostle Boyd K Packer actively preaches against "tolerance" and ecumenicism.
You think there's no irony in claiming to be a follower of Christ, while wholeheartedly supporting the Republican party, which actively hates the poor and promotes war. - 02/06/2005 - Jesus the Original Liberal
You have never had a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve.
You believe that all current-day prophets are on the same level of Christ.
You honestly believe you can become as good or better than God.
You bear your testimony to the entire ward that you masturbated to a Playboy....and you didn't even get caught in the act.
You think a quick marriage in Las Vegas is a acceptable way to get laid only to have it annulled the next day.
You are confused as to why a woman would ever pursue higher education after getting married.
You don't believe Christ died for all of your sins so you must keep on working to get to heaven.
You maintain there are three heavens, none of which are remotely bad.
You are nice to your classmates on Sunday and spit at them in the hall on Monday.
You deify your abusive self-righteous father when he dies.
You use your temple recommend when filling out your I-9 for a new job. 01/06/2005 - SLCSD
You are bitter towards anyone remotely non-religious and supicious of anyone who questions authority. - 12/29/2004 - anon
You think suicide is better than getting laid.
You believe the democrats are a left wing party.
You've heard of Kirtland and Nauvoo.
You eschew alcohol yet take leavened bread in sacrament (0.3% alcohol). - 12/18/2004 - anon
You believe that when the prophet speaks the thinking is done.
You believe all three versions of the first vision.
You believe that someone can put a rock in his hat, then put his face in his hat to exclude all light, then read words on the rock.
You believe polygamy is the most holy and most important doctrine God ever revealed to man.
You believe that Lehi and his group traveled 200 miles on foot or on camels from Jerusalem to The Red Sea in three days.
You believe that Lehi and Nephi and ever other custodian of the golden plates learned Reformed Egyptian fluently, wrote on the gold plates in Reformed Egyptian, passed on the plates to the next custodian and taught him Reformed Egyptian fluently.
You believe that there are 16 prophets, seers and revelators on the earth today, even after they paid Mark Hofmann thousands of dollars for phony, bogus, and fraudulent documents.
You believe Joe Smith's translation of the Egyptian papyri, which is now called the Book of Abraham, and not the many current Egyptian scholars' translations.
You believe that the spirits of husbands and wives who lived happily together when they were on this earth but are now kept apart in Spirit Prison until some people of earth go to a temple and say the magic words which instanteously and miraculously seal them together as husband and wife forever.
You believe Joe Smith went like "a sheep to slaughter" and died as a martyr and not in a gun battle.
You believe that it is proper and that God would approve of a middle aged man (Joe Smith) marrying and jumping into bed with a 14 or 15 year old child (Helen Mar Kimball).
You believe that it is proper and that God approved or commanded Joe Smith and Brigham Young to marry and bed down women who were already happily married to other men.
You believe that it is proper and acceptable by God for Joe Smith and others to practice polygamy in secret and to lie hundreds of times to church members and the world in an attempt to keep it hidden.
You believe that the temple ceremonies, including the five points of brotherhood, were revealed to Joe Smith and did not come from the Masons.
You believe that God named his church The Church of Christ in 1830, that he renamed it The Church of Latter Day Saints in 1834, and that He changed the name to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 1838. - 12/12/2004 - by Dahl Olsen
You have a 3 minute shut-off valve on your shower so that you won't be tempted to touch any of your "no no" areas. - 12/04/2004 - realistic Roman Catholic
You don't laugh at this list. - 11/21/2004 - Fred Nahr
This whole page pi..er, ticks you off!
You hate Jehovah's Witnesses waking YOU up on Saturday morning.
You think the Pope's hat really does say '666'. - 11/20/2004 by rojon
You wear your hair in the famous "Mo-Mo flip" style. - 11/18/2004 - anon
You think the students at that other university in Salt Lake City, a dry campus with 90% of the students being Mormon, are living in Sin City becasue they can drink coffee in their rooms and have people of the opposite gender in their dorm rooms during the day. - 11/16/2004 - anon
You think coffee is a gateway drug. - 10/15/2004 - Audrey
You really have forgotten what your body looked like under your garments (Did I have this tummy before I got married?) - 09/19/2004 - anon
you "can't/won't" drink coffee....yet you down a six-pack of Mountain Dew daily. - 09/25/2004 - from prophets touched me as a child
all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape.
you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday
you believe Heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh
your Mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception
you pray that your food might "nourish and strengthen your body" before eating doughnuts.
you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups.
at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house
you've ever written a "Dear-John" to more than two missionaries on the same day.
you were frustrated when your son "only" got accepted to Harvard
you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission
you have never arrived at a meeting on time
you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries
you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"
you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing
you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining
you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own Burgers!!
you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi.
you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there. - 09/19/2004 - by anon
You finally realize after years of attempting to live anonymously among the gentiles that you will never really be able to communicate effectively with a nonmormon.- 09/05/2004- Billeh
You know in your heart-of-hearts that none of the castaways on Gilligan's Island ever slept in any other hut besides their own. - 08/29/2004 - SLCabbie
You were given a Book of Mormon and a dip in a pool of water for your 8th birthday instead of a Barbie.
Your mother drives a mini-van.. and likes it. -m 07/28/2004 - anon
you played strip poker with ROOK cards when you were a kid.
your bachelor party had nothing either sexy or alcoholic.
when you high school American History class talked about the American Indians coming to America by crossing the Bering Strait you had a small crisis of faith.
your parents would rather see you dead than getting laid.
your favorite part about "Sound of Music" is that she quit being a nun.
while buying a 64-ounce soda refill and a candy bar at the convenience store you worry about the health of the trim, muscular guy in front of you buying a 12-ounce can of beer.
you think you hear something new every time you listen to general conference.
when reading about dinosaurs to your children you have to stop and point out that the earth was made up from parts of different worlds that existed previously.
you strike up a conversation with a neighbor about your low sperm count and how you've been trying to have children but can't so it's not really your fault. - 07/11/2004 - from Baura Kale
you consider the church ward building your 2nd home (because you have to be there for so many meetings) and you consider your car your 3rd home (because you are always traveling back and forth to Church). - 07/11/2004 - Thinking Soul
You may be a "Jack Mormon" if you laughed during a preview for "Orgazmo."
You may be a "Jack Mormon" if you secretly love the smell of coffee. - 07/10/2004 - Sara
"vacation" means going to Moab or Lake Powell for the weekend.
you measure distance in hours or minutes.
you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
it takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item, even when you're in a rush, because you have to stop and talk to everyone you know.
you know the meaning of... RM YM YW CTR RTH ZL AP and Y.
you brag because the stake patriarch is in your ward.
you've ever gone to the basement for food, instead of the grocery store.
you get even with people by making them say the invocation or benediction. 07/10/2004 - anon
you have six kids, a stay-at-home wife, pay 10% tithing, and just can't figure out why you never have any money.
you have a special ceremony to dispose of your skid-marked underwear.
you are proud that your great-grandfather served prison time for having too many wives.
you dream of living in . . . . Salt Lake City, Utah.
you think the Salt Lake Tribune is pornography.
you never have, and never will, vote for a Democrat.
you've never had oral sex, and never will.
you think you know at least three words of the language Adam spoke. (Pay Lay Ale)
you have an ancestor named Brigham, Ezra, Hyrum, Alma or Nephi, and more than one ancestor named Joseph.
your 18 year old daughter drops out of college after one semester to get married - and you are happy about it.
the thought of your wife wearing normal underwear turns you off.
you think scientists are tools of the devil trying to destroy "the church."
you've ever gone on a vacation to Kirtland, Ohio.
you invited people to be with you when you took out your endowments.
you think it's okay to have a dose of Nyquil every time you can't sleep because of stress because "it's medicine".
your menopause gets delayed due to pregnancy.
you call Jews "Gentiles" and you call teaching Mormonism to Gentiles "gathering Israel."
you start teaching your kids that they need to go to the temple ten years before they are allowed inside.
you secretly wish the kids are sick on Sunday morning so you can have an excuse to stay home.
you believe that your job is to stack the hymn books because God told the Bishop so.
you think it would be weird to put on your wall the photo of a FORMER First Presidency.
you believe that gay marriage is wrong and eternal polygamy is good.
you sneak food in to both the movie theatre and "Snackrament Meeting"; Cheerios being your favorite (and the cheapest).
beer is only okay if it's "root". Tea is okay if it has no tea in it. Wine cooks out of your meals but you can't drink it.
you wouldn't be caught dead in a sleeveless dress in public, but you wear a normal (one-piece) sleeveless swimsuit to the beach. Somehow, your shoulders are not evil then.
you are 100 pounds overweight, but because you say no to alcohol, you run and aren't weary, and walk and (don't) faint (yeah--in your dreams!)
you say you're a member of the "only one true church."
you think FPR once ruled this country.
you repeatedly bear witness to that which any court would rule as hearsay.
you go into a temple to marry your sweetheart and end up pledging yourself, all that you are, and everything you ever hope to be or get, to the owners of the temple.
you often refer to another as "a good person."
you say paying tithing makes you "a better person."
you rationalize that no one else tells the whole truth in worthiness interviews either.
you only get a favorable first impression of someone after you have determined that person is wearing the same kind of undies as you.
you carefully select only new clothing items which will make evident your undies for the purpose of making a good impression.
you wear only semi-transparent white shirts to church so others will see (your undies and) you as "a better person."
you are hopelessly addicted to the approval of your peers.
you are proud to be part of a ward. Your children are given names in alphabetical order.
you have re-enforced your lawnmower shed with rebar to withstand the second coming.
you accidentally ended your big pitch to the boss with inthenameofjesuschristamen.
you proudly display your used 2003 Greg Olsen calendar on decoupaged masonite plaques in the living room.
a giant wooden bunny welcomes people to your home at the front door.
your wife gave birth to little Spencer the same week your first grandchild was born.
your seven year old daughter can sew a dress, bake a cake, change a baby's cloth diaper and make the tile floor sparkle. You think she should be ready to start school this year.
you were a virgin on your wedding night.
you believe it was okay for Steve Young to work on Sunday but it is not okay for YOU to work on Sunday.
you think the Mormon church loves black people because Gladys Knight is a member.
you still think the Mormon church is the 'fastest growing church in the world.'
you actually believe that the church has close to 12 million members and they are all as TBM (True Believing Mormon) as you.
you drink caffeinated soft drinks, but refuse to drink coffee. It's not the caffeine that makes coffee bad, but your bishop said, "something in the coffee bean is unhealthy."
you know the Book of Mormon is true beyond a shadow of a doubt and with every fiber of your being, even though you only read to mid-way through 2 Nephi then got bored and skipped ahead to Moroni 10:4 so you could do the promise.
you're a cute 20 year old girl who allows crusty 90 year old white guys in Salt Lake City to dictate her choice of panties.
you find polygamy repugnant in this life, but think you will understand it in the next life.
you believe that the truth will set you free, and that you have the truth, and that you are free. - 07/10/2004 - from plagiarist
you believe anything in the book of MORONS. - 07/02/2004 - anon
some guy who claims his name is Joe Smith tells you that some angel named Moroni gave him a pair of magic glasses and he could read ancient hieroglyphics when he wore them and you believe him. - 06/20/2004 - anon
you have ever used "I'm a Mormon" as an excuse to have a refund for the movies.
you make home made bread for your neighbors daily.
you start saving money for your mission at age 8.
the whole town is invited to your family reunion.
you became devastated when your children sinned.
there are more than 5 pictures of Jesus in your family room - 06/13/2004 - lula
your house burns down and as a result, more than 40 people are made homeless. - 05/22/2004 - from Helamonster
you wear underwear over other wear (or your overwear is under your - never mind!)
you can have "responsibility" at eight, but not run the Church til eighty.
you think Brigham Young had one wife.
you think Brigham Young liked Black people.
you are unaware that none of Joseph Smith's family accepted Brigham Young.
you think people leave the Church only because a person offended them.
you find religious kitsch "inspirational."
you don't associate bishops with pointy hats.
you consider "South Park" the work of Anti-Christ.
you don't realize other churches have Sunday Schools for CHILDREN only. - 05/09/2004 - Nephihaha
your family drives into a small town and doubles the population. - 04/07/2004 - anon
your sweetheart's dad thinks she is still a virgin at 29 and your son by her is more immaculate conception. Mom chooses to live with Daddy rather than marry "outside the church".
while reading the scriptures in Seminary, every time you came across the word "ass" you blushed frantically, until Brother Hoff told you to just say "donkey" and that's now a story you tell at parties! (Yes, sadly, it's true.)
for your 18th birthday party, you played Cranium with your brother, sister-in-law and some (girl) friends from church and everyone thought it was risque when someone got you root beer as a present...(root BEER?! ghastly!) - 03/27/2004 - from LambentStar
you actually believe God took the time to say "And oh yeah, thou shalt not partake of caffiene." - 04/16/2004 - Jinx
you have to call roll before you take your children anywhere in public.
you give lectures about "drugging yourselves" with Starbucks Coffee, while popping Junior Mints into your mouth, and then claim that chocolate is from "a different part of the bean". (True Story.)
your family considers a trip to McDonalds to be a night out. - 03/09/2004 - anon
you know that all this stupid comments don't change the fact that you have a testimony and that it brings true joy into your life no matter how many people oppose the Restored Church of Christ - 02/01/2004 - from RQF
when Matt Lauer pronounced "Moroni" wrong on the Today show during the Winter Olympics, you refused to watch the show for a week. - 01/20/2004 - anon
your walls are invaded by temple pictures. - 10/16/2003 - from Spongemel
you assume everyone is Mormon and so praying and thanking God for the restored gospel is music to the ears of the whole gathering! - 10/12/2003 - anon
you have no discernible sense of humor, can't tell when other people are joking, have even LESS sense of irony than most Americans (quite a feat, that), and have that stick jammed so far up your own ass that you wear a permanent sour expression because of the taste of shit in your mouth. - 09/04/2003 - from former RC, former LDS
you find most of these comments ridiculous! :o) - 9/04/2003 - anon
you already have 5 children of your own who you can not control or take care of, and you get the urge to babysit other (non-Mormon) people's kids and the bizarre way you and your family act scares the other people's kids for life. - 08/23/2003 - anon
you dodge tax so you can give more tithing.
you think that the Winter Olympics coming to Utah was a "miracle" but a Jamaican bobsleigh team wasn't. (See "Cool Runnings")
you think that the Winter Olympics going anywhere else is not.
you accidentally show your temple recommend at the door of McDonalds.
you feel ashamed for watching a PG-13 film on the quiet (after the age of 13).
you think that Jesus' blood looked like water.
you think that Jesus turned water into non-alcoholic grape juice.
you confuse self-hypnosis with a testimony.
you criticise your workmate for swearing, but then use the word "frigging" without knowing what it actually means.
(fundamentalist only) your oedipus complex always involves more than one woman.
you think that the Osmonds are still A-list celebrities.
"CTRl" on the keyboard makes your busom burn.
you have heard of Philo Farnsworth, but never of John Logie Baird, let alone Vladimir Zworykin.
you're a man who can cry at will.
(Non-US) you've been on vacation to Utah but not to New York, Chicago, Hollywood, etc.
you're related to Brigham Young.
you have more children than windows in your house.
you don't realise that Smith is one of the most common names in the English speaking world.
you are proud of how well the Church is doing in poor countries, but not ashamed how few General Authorities actually come from them.
you criticise other churches for baptising babies, but think eight year olds are responsible adults. - 07/24/2003 - Nephihaha
you get yourself drunk with Pepsi.
the Elders goes to your home at least twice a day. - 07/24/2003 - from Spongemel
you're on Prozac AND Depakote! - 07/11/2003 - GJ
you believe that pre-marital sex is "more sinful" than child abuse, spousal abuse, manupulation of millions of people with lies (Paul H. Dunn), years of racism and homophobia.
you've seen the movie "Single's Ward." - 02/12/2003 - anon
you feel guilty for drinking a Pepsi while watching Schindler's List - 02/12/2003 - anon
you own more than one CTR ring, in case you lose yours.
you have silver polish specifically for your CTR ring.
you opt to go on a temple trip to get away from your overbearing parents.
you notice the startling simularities between AMWAY and the Mormon Church's power organization.
when you break an arm or have serious illness your parents have you blessed before seeking medical attention.
carnival dunking booths remind you of baptism.
you believe that the naming blessing given to your child will truly come about.
you are not allowed to dance during the good music at a Gold and Green ball.
you ever suckered your spouse into chaperoning with you at a Gold and Green ball, with the line "It will be fun."
you were ever presented at a Gold and Green ball, and wished your dress wasn't as crappy as it was.
you thought the Church should have kept the Christmas lights up all year round.
you have ever been one of fifty adults in charge of the nursery at the same time.
you really believe that the Holy Ghost is a spirit that whispers in your ear and not an entity.
you own one red shirt and a pair of blue jeans, but stockpile white dress shirts for the Second Coming.
you think you look cool while riding a bicycle in dress slacks and shirt with a helmet.
the height of your week is Wednesday nights Young Men/Young Women meetings.
you have ever been to a slumber party at a sister's house and she turns the channel from MTV to VH1 because it less risque. (true story)
going to youth conference makes you feel like a big girl, even though you only have two more years before you get married.
you ever bought a Pepsi on a temple trip and someone tells on you.
saying that you do not believe you should drink caffeine, while holding a hershey bar.
you can still remember all the lyrics to "The Popcorn Tree."
your bishop is also your shrink (literally).
your church gave thanks to God for Ritalin.
you can't wait for the sacrament to be passed so that you can have a drink and some bar snacks.
you are truly disturbed by the idea that you are bound to your parents for all eternity, you may be an "inactive Mormon".
you thought the Mormons in Starship Troopers got what they deserved, you may be an "inactive Mormon"
you request to be buried with change in your pocket so that you can buy a Pepsi while waiting to be judged.
you have ever made a pilgrimage to Joseph Smith's place of death.
you believe Disney owns controlling interest of the Mormon Church, you may be an "inactive mormon"
you have ever sneaked a cigarette and the sprayed your self with air-freshner only to have a sister say "What a lovely perfume." You're already on your way to hell's door. (Telestial Kingdom)
you know what the Telestial Kingdom is and wonder why it is three times better than the Celestial Kingdom.
you ever wonder why all the high-ranking people in the Church have money while everyone else is broke, you may be a bitter "inactive mormon"
you have ever given up your last twenty dollars to church hoping to be repaid later, you may be poor mormon.
you wonder with the number of blessings given out why the Church doesn't own Wesson Oil by now, you may be a bitter mormon.
you tell your parents that you are engaged and the first words out of their mouths are "Are they a member."
you say no and they reply "It will never last, you should stay with your own kind." - 11/30/2002 - from ReLeMc@AOL.com
you have ever refused to hire or promote someone based on lack of VGL (visible garment lines).
as a hospital administrator you have ever refused admittance to a non-Mormon child sick with polio until all Mormon children were accommodated. (Primary Children's Hospital, 1945).
you're a Mormon public school administrator and you place mathematically gifted non-Mormon children in a remedial math classes. (In Utah, non-Mormon administrators are rarer than hen's-teeth).
you are promoted soley on the basis of Church loyalty, regardless of capability or qualifications.
the first words out of your mouth after being introduced are "So what ward do you belong to?" - 11/30/2002 - anon
you've told the same mission story more than twice to the same person.
you think that your mission makes you an authority on every single thing about that country.
you think that vegetarianism, communism, and polygamy were never part of your religion or aren't any more.
your company has company prayer and couldn't imagine why anyone would have a problem with it. Actual quote, "I guess it alright for 'some' people to not believe in anything."
you have 300 lbs. of rice in your basement.
you apologize for saying "half-assed job" in a business meeting.
you get "refreshments" for your family after the Priesthood Meeting of General Conference in a suit and tie.
you've ever blamed any of your evil thoughts on the Devil. - 10/21/2002 - from DJ
you ever got told off for spiking the punch...with coke.
you have ever used the words when angry "fruit!", "fetch!" or "flip!".
you have ever been punished for using these words. - 10/13/2002 - from email@example.com
when you stay at a Marriott you call the front desk to complain that you can't find your room's Book of Mormon. - 09/28/2002 - anon
the only way to keep you from drinking alcohol is to have another Mormon present. - 07/14/2002 - from Oldskoolgurl19@aol.com
you believe your drunk, womanizing Great-Grandfather would be happier in the afterlife if he was baptized, in proxy, by you. - 07/14/2002 - from exmo-lesbo
you address every person you meet with a furrowed brow and a blank-eyed stare.
you have ever seen check #10651 clear your bank account.
you lease a vehicle with a value greater than your annual salary.
you wear Doc Martins with business suits.
you write checks for 75 cents at 7-11's.
you have or think you need a credit counselor to help you pay your bills, yet you still tithe.
you have negative equity in your twelve bedroom house on the East benches, but still have two leased BMW's in the driveway.
you are over age 40, and think that F-350 diesel trucks with 12 inch lift kits are really practical for around town driving.
you own or lease more than one Chevy Suburban.
you have been on anti-depressants for more than a year.
you let your kids scream at the restaurant while others are trying to enjoy their night out.
you carry a Daytimer, everywhere.
you have read anything by Steven Covey more than once.
you think Franklin Covey is a great place to work, even though they lay people off almost daily.
you wonder why Utah can't attract (or keep!) any technology companies.
you think that Salt Lake County has a great public school system because there is a Seminary building across the street from every school.
you go to AA meetings, without a court order.
you are age 20 to 30, have four children, and are divorced.
you are female, and wonder why your last boyfriend doesn't think breast implants and three toddlers are a good combination.
you are male and at least 21 years old, and still a virgin.
you ever dry-humped your date in the back of a Chrysler mini-van.
you go to more than two movies a week with your new boyfriend or girlfriend, even the same movie.
you get angry at your neighbors for mowing their yard on Sunday.
you own a remotely successful small business, and truly believe you are smarter than Warren Buffett.
you have a boat that you keep parked prominently in your driveway, but never use.
you have seven children, and wonder why you live paycheck to paycheck.
when your child has disciplinary problems in school, you threaten not to let them go on a mission.
you pull out your "scriptures" ever time you have a problem.
you truly believe that the Utah state liquor stores sell as much booze as they do to the "rest of us." - 06/17/2002 - from Cute little jackal
you can no longer see your fridge due to your kids' artwork. - 05/25/2002 - anon
you believe an LDS professional should donate his time and talents when you need his advice.
you believe that paying more than 10% to a waitress is blasphemy!
free is the deciding factor for any activity.
you believe can buy yourself blessings by paying more money to the church.
before you begin any business transaction you ask "Are you LDS?"
when you take your children out in public, it's a chance for you to take a break from parenting skills.
you go to a restaurant and rearrange a section to accommodate your 45 person party only to leave the waitress a dollar tip, and the rest of the people in the restaurant with a bad taste in their mouth.
you are shocked when you attend a Scout Expo, outside Utah, and all the kids aren't Mormons.
you think it is cute in meetings to let your kids walk up to the stand, and wander from row to row.
you become angered when you read things like this, because the truth hurts. - 05/24/2002 - anon
You may be a "NeverMo" if you thought Nephi was a refreshing orange carbonated beverage. - 05/22/2002 - anon
you have a portrait of Joseph Smith rendered on black velvet in your living room.
taking Nyquil when you have the flu causes a deep spiritual crisis. - 04/13/2002 - SkunkPuppet
your life sucks so bad you have to devote yourself to a religion to reassure yourself. - 03/18/2002 - Fred E. Katt
you bribe the Lord for blessings.
you believe the Lord is your servant.
you are loud and obnoxious.
people are glad when you leave the building.
you travel in packs.
you need sensitivity training to understand everybody in Utah ain't F**king Mormon.
you can't figure the math...32 oz of Coke > 8 oz coffee.
you believe obesity is more healthy than having a glass of wine.
you believe you have a greater right to live in Utah because you have generations of family buried in the local cemetery.
you use the phrase...and those who don't like it, should move back where they came from. you measure ones priesthood power by waist size. - 02/18/2002 - from P.T. Brigham
you call your English teacher Sister Stevens instead of Mrs. Stevens. - 02/16/2002 - from Miss Gomo
your TBM (true believing Mormon) ex thinks the children will receive God's blessings more rapidly if he pays the tithing instead of child support. - 01/05/2002 - anon
you thought "One Million BC" was a documentary.
Calvin Klein shirts remind you of heaven for some reason.
when asked who the President is, "George W. Bush" is your SECOND answer.
you think Starbucks are drug dealers.
you think "famine relief" is a group for starving women.
you only use Elizabethan English on special occasions.
you think Olympic Women's Swimming on TV is pornographic.
you consider "damn" to be a rude word.
you reckon the poor and unemployed should give away 10% of their earnings.
what you wear is more important than either faith OR works. - 01/04/2002 - by Nephihahaha
you drink diet coke out of a paper bag.
you buy a size too small underwear so it doesn't extend out of your tennis shorts.
you secretly long for a beer when you eat Mexican food.
you secretly have a beer when you eat Mexican food - 01/04/2002 - SLDrone
you consider the Victoria's Secret catalog your personal secret Playboy - 01/04/2002 - Haha
you had your wedding reception at Chuck a Rama - 01/04/2001 - Jimbo
you think a single woman over age 21 is an "old maid." - 01/04/2002 - Nicegirl
one day you believe you can achieve godhood and the next day you don't really know that we teach that. - 01/04/2002 - Aussie John
you believe Spencer W. Kimball was George Lucas' inspiration for Yoda.
you believe the Star Wars saga is a veiled interpretation of the sealed portion of the gold plates.
you think EVERYONE in Utah is Mormon, so it's okay to use home teaching examples in your business meetings.
your wife's favorite "wine" is "You don't take me to Snelgrove's anymore." (Snelgrove's Ice Cream in SLC)
you're proud that Utah is #1 per capita in ice cream consumption.
your wife is pregnant when your daughter gets married.
you think the division between church and state means the 3 or 4 blocks separating Church HQ and the State Capitol.
you hand law enforcement officers your temple recommend instead of your driver's license when you get pulled over. (Robert Kirby has some funny stories about this.)
you ignore attempts by law enforcement personnel to pull you over because you're late for your temple session. (This actually happened. The sheriff's deputy, a Mormon also, actually handcuffed the man in the temple dressing room.) - 01/04/2002 - by al-marek
you have a cookbook filled entirely with Jell-O recipes.
your kid is getting married and people offer to help with the food at the reception.
polygamy is a touchy subject.
you still follow the Osmond family.
you think "South Park" is a sign of the Second Coming. - 01/04/2001 - exmorg
you have a hard time saying Mr. Smith or Mrs. Thomas because you're used to saying Brother Smith or Sister Thomas.
you think "deep throat" is something a sword swallower has.
you have danced at a "Gold and Green Ball."
you consider yourself and actor for participating in a "road show."
you pay tithing on a tax return.
you find yourself surrounded by Sunbeams.
you know what CTR really means....WWJD.
you believe that "touched by and angel" is filmed in SLC because its so close to God.
you believe that everyone with dark skin will be white after resurrection day.
you never question authority.
you need to confess to petting animals at the zoo.
you speed on the highway in Utah and still feel "worthy" - 01/04/2002 - Greenbean
you think a 12 year old Deacon has more power in his little finger than the Pope and all his cardinals.
you have worn a 3-piece suit at the beach.
you watch the Jehova's witnesses going out to proslytize and think THEY have been brainwashed.
your chess set is only for decoration.
you think you're a good singer because you know the alto part to "I Stand All Amazed".
you don't applaud after a musical performance to keep "reverence".
you think it's a good thing that all votes are always unanimous.
you think Walt Whitman was one of the witnesses of the Book of Mormon.
you feel no remorse from naming your child LaVell.
you are never sure how to discard old underwear properly. - 01/04/2002 - Pravda
you are approached by someone in a mens locker room and he asks after seeing your garments, "Are you a Mormon?" And your response is "No, I'm really a Mason that loves the sign of the square and compass so much that I had them stitched onto my underwear." - There's your sign! - 10/26/2001 - Bill
you spend more time studying the words of the General Authorities than you do the words of Christ.
you rely on priesthood leadership rather that personal revelation.
you know that laws are ment for someone else.
you can't begin a conversation without letting everybody in the restaurant know you went to the temple yesterday.
you no longer have the ability to think for yourself.
you have to wear a ring to remind you to do the right thing.
you give garments to your inactive children for Christmas.
you know with every fiber of your being that the Church is true, but have never investigated another faith.
you believe you are actually Christians, because that's what the Church says. - 10/15/2001 - anon
you decide to wear a blue shirt and a tie because you have a desire to "live a little." - 07/26/2001 - Matthew
you honestly believe there are unborn, disembodied spirits totally dependant upon YOU to get pregnant so that they can experience life. - 10/10/2000 - anon
it doesn't strike you at all odd that coffee, even iced, is considered "hot", while cocoa, at any temperature, is not. - 10/10/2000 - anon
you think that HERBAL tea is different from regular tea, so that makes it okay. - 10/10/2000 - anon
you live your life trying to make your Patriarchal Blessing come true, and when it DOESN'T, you figure YOU must have done something WRONG!!!! - 10/04/2000 - L. Snell, Sacramento, CA
you have 13 children and some of them are foster care!! - 09/28/2000 - anon
your female children under 2 are in rollers on Saturday night. - 09/20/2000 - anon
one of these films most closely resembles your life as a member of the LDS church?
A) "My Five Wives"
C) "SLC Straight"
E) "1984" - 09/04/2000 - anon
being relegated to one sort of underwear for the rest of your life is considered the highest possible attainment. - 09/04/2000 - anon
your idea of potato salad is mashed potatoes with tuna and sweet relish thrown in. - 09/04/2000 - anon
you think masturbating is an evil act. - 09/04/2000 - anon
if you put your 8 children in matching outfits for general conference.
you have a baby boom every 6 mounths in your ward.
your closet is full of capries.
you own a BMW (Big Mormon Wagon).
you made your daughters prom dress so it would be modest and it will save you money - 08/10/2000 - anon on written forms asking for race, you write in "delightsome."
on census forms asking for nationality, you write in "Mormon."
your were an aunt or uncle before the age of 3.
your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding.
you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
you believe you must be 18 years of older to order coffee at a restaurant.
if your relatives make up more than half of your town.
your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.
you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber of my being."
you've ever used the phrase "Bless those who aren't here this time that they can be here next time."
you've ever used the above phrase while offering a prayer at a state prison, youth detention facility or other place of confinement.
you think "ignorant" means rude.
you think the word ignorant is pronounced "ignernt"
you think BYU's holiday bowl victory over SMU in 1980 is proof that the church is true.
you still talk about the holiday bowl victory of 1980.
you still consider Steve Young a Utah native even though he was born and raised in Connecticut.
for some reason you couldn't raise your children in Utah, then Connecticut would be your second choice.
you've ever used the words: fetch, flip, scrud, or oh-my-heck.
you ever apologized for using such language.
you've ever used your temple recommend as a check protection card.
you hide your recommend in the back of your wallet when you shop on Sunday.
you shop on Sunday and then you post date the check.
you've ever mixed Jell-O with any kind of meat.
you like Jell-O mixed with any kind of meat.
you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party.
your kids think Jell-O is a major food group.
you have your order in for volume 25 of "The Work and The Glory."
you use the dust jacket from "The Work and The Glory" so you can read romance novels in public.
you've ever quoted "The Work and The Glory" in a talk or a lesson.
you feel that "The Work and The Glory" would be better if it took place in Connecticut and the hero's name was Steve.
you can come up with at least 10 good excuses as to why Steve Young isn't married.
you believe any of those excuses.
you're planning to read this list during Family Home Evening.
while giving a presentation in a public place such as a board meeting, you have ever inadvertently ended with, "in the name of ..."
you've ever ended your presentation with those words deliberately.
all your children are named after Old Testament Prophets. Even your daughter Zerubbabel.
you ran out of Old Testament names before you ran out of children.
you were shocked to find out that the 24th of July was not a national holiday.
you refer to the days of '47 parade royalty as "The Queen and her two counselors."
at least one member of your family has a pseudo-French name such as LaVell, LaDell, LaBetty, or Bidet.
you have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle (how about LaDurl?)
your mother-in-law was pregnant at your wedding.
you're father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
a member of your family wrote in Lavelle Edwards for President in the last election.
you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or co-workers as Brother or Sister.
all your dishes have your name written on masking tape.
at least two of your salad bowls are at neighbors' houses.
you have something stuck to your refrigerator for every time you have attended Relief Society or Homemaking.
you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your kitchen.
you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
you've ever refused a coke, although it's 105 degrees outside.
you bring a cola home from the store in a brown paper bag.
you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying, "Please bless this food that it will nourish and strengthen our bodies."
you consider "dam" a swear word.
your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out.
you believe you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe.
you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
you met your spouse at the "Y" or on your "Mission."
your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday.
you negotiate prices at a garage sale.
when you pick someone up at the airport, you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate.
you have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library.
you are embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age.
you keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home" banners.
you have more food in storage than clothes in your closet.
you ever made a major purchase at D.I (couches, appliances, electronics, furniture, prom dresses, etc.)
you shop for wedding gifts at D.I.
your family takes Mormon Tequila to family reunions. (Ingredients of Mormon Tequila: kool-aid with a gummi worm in the bottom.)
you play quarters with water, and the loser is the person who has to pee first. 05/05/2000 - anon
1. _____________________ (Given name)
2. _____________________ (SURNAME)
3. Descendant of:
A. Adam and Eve _____
B. Cain and Abel _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Laurel and Hardy _____
4. Tribe: _____________
5. Number of occupants residing in home in each category: (Listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's _____
E. Young Men's _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam's All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____
9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite_____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____
10. Which of the following do you bring to church:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____
D. Lifesavers _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____
11. Do you prepare your lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching _____
H. Just wing it _____
12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders: yes___ no ___
13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____
14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____
15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______
16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____
17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Jello salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____<
D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants_____
19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____
20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries
21. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the pinewood derby: _________
22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually =3D ____
B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually =3D ____
23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____
05/13/2000 - anon email to the Salamander Society.
the only place you've been called the stake (steak) centre serves a mean sirloin with allthe beer you need to wash it down.
the only people who care what ward you are in want to visit you in the hospital.
you think an invitation to a wedding means that you not only know who the bride and groom are but expect that they will serve you a sit down meal with beer and entertainment for the evening before you give them a gift.
you believe any church official who asks about your sex life will be arrested.
you think a husband with one wife and two children is a big family.
you think only NASA astronauts go on missions.
you believe only people who seriously want to become clergymen go to the seminary.
you think scouts hold meetings in scout halls.
you think a temple recommend is somethig you tell an East Indian guy who asks which Calgary neighbourhood he should live in.
you think 'calling reception' is something you should be concerned about when buying a cell phone.
when someone speaks of 'the church', you ask which one?
you think a 'burning bosom' is caused by beer and nachos.
you think remembering your parents is 'geneaology'.
Family Home Evening involves getting the kids to fetch beer for you.
you know a 'relief society' is a charitable group that installs roadside urinals.
you know postum and ovaltine taste like sand, and opt for coffee instead.
you've watched a basketball game, realizing how boring it is when you're sober.
your knowledge of Utah is that it is between here and Vegas.
you figure 'primary' is either red, green or blue.
you notice what the words 'mormon' and 'moroni' have in common. - 07/17/2000 - anon from Calgary, Canada
I have a question for the Mormons reading this. Where do you think the material for this site came from? It came from people who have been hurt by Mormons. Most of us do not judge a group by a single member, but the members as a whole. Most likely it was more than one Mormon that caused the bitterness you read in some of these comments, it was the church as a whole.
I live in a city that is predominantly LDS. I've seen the church as a whole cause pain for not only those who are not part of their church, but also those within the church.
Some of the comments from those who are LDS call those who are insulting Mormons ignorant. You want to talk about ignorant, really research your church. Compare the Doctrine and Covenants to your Book of Mormon. They contradict each other as well as the bible. Are you really okay with this? This doesn't bother you?
I know that for some of you being a part of this church makes you feel good, but feeling good and being a good person does not get you to heaven. If you believe the bible then you know their is only one way to get to heaven. If you're not sure what it is, read John 3:16 in the bible.
The bible says nothing about levels of heaven. Good works doesn't gain your salvation. I encourage you to do your research. Compare your Doctrine and Covenants to your Book of Mormon and to your bible. If you are completely set in your beliefs then why do you care what these other people say? Just pray for them, as I pray for you.
- 02/22/2010 - Love in Christ
Wow- Some of this was true, some of it wasn't... Just calm down commenters. :) If you yell and scream it'll only make others believe it's true.
Yes, LDS have practiced polygamy, but we outlawed it. C'mon, Solomon had 700 wives! Some Muslims still practice it today, and in Morrocco it isn't outlawed. Look up your facts people before saying anything.
But if someone is really has an open mind, then they'll take everything with a grain of salt and keep an open view to the fact that everyone has different opinions. You can't let haters get you down, or even keep them in mind. No matter what your religion, there will always be someone against it. True of any religion. - 09/08/2009 - Salt
I think all of you mormons should just calm down, I live in southern utah, and All this stuff is pretty true! And I say god A LOT and when ever i do i get dirty looks, It is bull shit! So I loved this website, I thought it was hillarious! and extremely true! - 07/08/2009 - RANDOM!!!
Mormonism is not true, NO living Prophets, No gold Plates might as well read Harry Potter. Good people just misguided. - 06/30/2009 - Gus
I love this site! I have been laughing my ass off for an hour now. It is so true! Every thing you guys have said. I was married to a woman who left me for the mormon religion. And ,although sad, I am glad to see that I am not the only man in the world whose wife left him for a cult. When them Mormons get there hooks into a weak minded person they never let go. They just keep throwing more and more ropes until they got you hog tied. Ten they brand you and put you with the rest of the herd. Most mormons dont even realize that they are nothing more than part of the herd. Being fattened up for slaughter. As long as you are fat and healthy and making them money they keep you around.As soon as you are sick or old and no longer making them money they take you to the auction house. Anyways guys keep up this site. It is great!! The more the truth about the mormons gets out the better off the rest of the world will be!!! - 03/22/2009 - Cowboy Bob
I tried to describe two members of a Mormon Church whom reside in an apartment house nearby. There is no way to describe them, you would never believe me. I will however, comment: they are dirty, dirty, dirty in body and dress. They take all they can get and think the world should hand over money to them. Their actions are just as bad. If you are thinking, "I don't believe this". Well I am not a Mormon, but I am a Christian, in fact, so much so, that I handed out money for gas and/or food. Now, I stand back and ask "The Lord" to help "Me" to remember "That for the sake of GOD, there lay I" - 03/22/2009 - anon
This is the dumbest thing I have ever read, seriously. Get a life and educate yourself. You might be a DUMB ASS if you started, participate or think this website is funny. Wait no you are!!! People are not perfect we are striving for it. You cannot judge a church by select members. Just like I don't want my country judged for having idiots like you. - 12/25/2008 - Reality
Mocking is persecution! TBM's suffer just like Jesus on the Cross everyday...I mean..People *laugh* at us. Shouldn't that kind of HATE CRIME be illegal?
Huff Huff stomp! My self-importance *will* be validated! Now I know my Church is TRUE because all these Gentiles think it's goofy and were so evil as to say so in public! Laughing at my silly underpants and jello-salad is just one step from an Extermination Order! Bigots! - 11/12/2008 - Anonymous
Guys, RELAX. There is some truth in this list, and some non-truth. Laugh at the truth, grimace at the non-truth, and then move on! Geez! - 10/20/2008 - Just Me
you read 11/09/07 anon below and aren't disgusted by 1) the phrase "who is slandering our church - the phrase "who is" as used here demonstrates the need for more education as does the use of the word "slander." Verbal is slander, when written it's lible. 2)Compassion is spelled with two s's not one - refer to point 1 and the need for more education, or should I say edumackasion; and 3)the use of the phrase "the church" in all of it's condescending and arrogant glory doesn't drive you insane. - 07/28/2008 - proudapostate
Some of this was pretty funny. Most of it was mildly amusing. A small portion actually crossed the line... I do find it interesting that certain groups are OK to pigeonhole into a collection of stereotypes and some aren't. I'm sure there are plenty of small-minded Mormons out there (just like there are plenty of small-minded folks of any group). But it's troubling when people think it's OK to say things like, "This is exactly how Mormons are...100% right on." Then it crosses the line from being parody into something else. It really wouldn't be much different from publishing a collection of jokes/musings on African-Americans and then saying, "Yep. This is exactly how all African-Americans are. If you don't believe me, come to Atlanta and see for yourself!" You get the idea. - 04/30/2008 - Wow
Right on, this is the truth the whole truth and nothingbut the truth. I can add one.
You might be a mormon if the truth about your church pisses you off! Keep the jokes coming love it. - 04/12/2008 - danna
This list was funny! There were some sacred things mocked, which any sincere believer wouldn't enjoy, but the Mormon tendencies were accurate. I've been a member my whole life and have seen it! Notwithstanding some weird stuff we do, the doctrines "the Church" teaches are true. I know it "without a shadow of a doubt". - 04/08/2008 - Michael
Mormons really are exactly like this... this is SO true, in ways that people who were never LDS cannot completely understand. I am a former "member" ... believe me, I know. - 03/03/2008 - freethinker
SR, and all the others - I have been to Utah, lots of times actually, and whilst of course there are some bad Mormons, some who are hypocritical, some who can appear over zealous, and every single one with some fault of one sort or another, most are trying to be good people, to care for their neighbor, to be honest and sincere etc. etc. Of course every religion requires faith, believing in something you can't see, that does not make you naïve or foolish. There are some things that cannot be read, or learned, they can only be experienced - and that is why I am an active member of the church. Yes, there are unanswered questions about church history but I know what I have experienced and that cannot be denied, nor 'explained away'. So in spite of my imperfections, the inevitable imperfections even of Jospeh Smith (in a developing church in a developing nation), the imperfections of the leaders today, the church is still true. - 03/03/2008 - Mart
Seems pretty much right on to me, if a bit tongue in cheek at times. I've been around, married to, divorced from and related to TBM's all my long life. My great-grandfather was a polygamist and influential in the church after arriving in the Salt Lake valley in 1853. Anyone who can't see the truth and humor in this list is kidding themselves or has never lived or visited more than a couple of days in Utah where Mormonism still exists in it's most pure, silly and scary - 02/16/2008 - NoMo
Yea, actually as a former member of "the church"... this is exactly the crap they beleive (misspelling intentoinal) - 01/27/2008 - ex-mo
if people like this take pot-shots at you based on their absolute ignorance of your most precious and sacred held beliefs. Find a Mormon friend or acquaintence who is active in his reglion and test all this against him or her. Find your own answers based on personal experience. - 12/19/2007 - cljones
Learn how to spell before you post things on this website. Plus, 98% of these are false. They don't even make sense. Nice try though. - 01/05/2008 - Boyd
Utterly disgusting, rude, untrue, completely false and biased. You really don't know members of the Church and you have not read the Book of Mormon. Keep in mind, Joseph had a third grade education and translated the gold plates in 60 days. If you really read the book with an open mind and a desire to know if it is true, you would look at it differently, but I can see that would be impossible as you would be unwilling. - 10/16/2007 - LDS Member
This is exactly how mormons are...100% right on...come to utah and see for your self! - 10/07/2007 - SR
I guess the irony is that "really offended" just sent a comment that illustrated about ten of the above "mormon if's". Being a non-mormon in Zion is a real eye opener, it is scary how many times I have been told to just sit down for an hour with so and so and I will learn the right. Oh my god, give me a break, we are all entitled to believe whatever we choose (or in the case of the LDS faith, what we are told to choose), don't preach to me and tell me that my beliefs are not as worthy as yours. I don't lecture to you, don't lecture to me. Of course, since all of our neighbors are so much more worthy than we, that is why their kids can't play with ours and why they can steal rose bushes right out of our yards, but can't acknowledge us when we are all in our front yards or teach their children that we are all created equal and should be treated as such. Such a sad way to go through life and to think that the LDS faith believe that they are christian. 08/03/2007 - Not mormon in Zion
Wow, I followed this link from Mormon No-More out of curiosity and discovered a wellspring of Mormonisms. This will help keep me sane when I move back behind the "Zion Curtain" next year. :D Noticed a couple spelling errors on the "You may be a Mormon if" page but besides that great site! - 04/16/2007 - Shael
okay i am 14 years old and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that this is not true so please don't believe it if you want to know more about the church then ask someone you know that is mormon someone that has gone to seminary at 6 in the morning before school through all of highschool, someone who has been baptized and knows how amazing it is to feel the holy ghost, and someone who knows what they are talking about or go to lds.org or mormon.org. Don't believe any of this, please!! i know its not true because i am a mormon everyday and it is the thing i am most grateful for. - 06/15/2007 - anon
I would just like to take a minute to tell you what a bunch of jackasses you all are if this is how you think mormons realy are. I am a 29 year old woman who lives in Utah and yes I am a member of the lds church, I have three kids and I am my husbands only wife, I have never been abused, I am not a racist and I cant even remember the last time I had green jello. You are the racist narrow minded people that you accuse people of the mormon church of being!!! - 06/08/2007 - Shawna
In regards to your "highly offended" comment firstname.lastname@example.org,I am married to a former mormon,whose family is all still TBM's,& this is EXACTLY how they behave.They treat me like the anti-Christ,ignore my children,and harp at me and my husband about having our daughters blessed and/or baptised.I have 13 nieces and nephews,most have which have been at LEAST blessed at birth,and have made comments such as that my daughter has made Jesus mad at her for wearing a tank top in 100 degree heat,and recently have had a TBM sister-in-law start a HUGE family fight over the documented FACT that Joseph Smith practiced polygamy,but that it's not true(according to her) and that that particular info is not pertinent to the salvation of your soul,so it can be discredited.There is your truth. - 04/10/2007 - marriedtoaformermo
People who think like this are really sad. This page is neither honest or funny. I guess no religion is safe from persecution. Thanks for reminding me. - 01/27/2008 - Bella
what kind of crap is this??? do you honestly think this is how members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints act/believe??? I so you are extremly mistaken!!!! please feel free to contact me and I will be more than willing to tell you the truth. - email: email@example.com - -3/26/2007 - really offended
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