On LDS Mission to Melbourne in the 80s, I decided to make An Enthusiastic Stew. This had practically EVERYTHING in this. The Carrots were hard as a brick, the Peas were canned, and soft as heck, and the meat ........not bad. At the end of the meal of sorts, I left this all in the pot. But made the ultimate mistake of not putting into a bowl. And covering into the Fridge.
The next day, was a hot one, indeed. A gang of microbes moved in, and, after a hard day of Tracting, I discovered this pot still out. With the contents from last night still in.
So, cooked again. Meat still good ( so I thought ), Carrots still crunchy and hard as bricks, and Peas now a sloppy mess.
After eating this, my DL and myself had a bit of a wrestling match. Unfortunately for me, my system " wiped the dial" ie Emergency Braked, and slammed into reverse.
Sufficient to say, the Caulfield District Prayers were wrecked by loud rumblings of discontent!
Picture this: You answer the door naked, with a bottle of gin in one hand, and a large kitchen knife in the other. If the mishies even manage to get any words out, you say, "Sorry, can you come back later? We're not finished with the virgin yet."
Of course, the police might show up, but when they do, you will be a normal, upstanding citizen with nothing to hide, and THEN who looks like the morons, eh?
What is wanted? - by jacyn
Answer the door in garmies only, dyed light pink and with the marks cut out. Then ask them, "What is wanted? You should see what happened to the last guy who asked for the 'Sure Sign of the Nail.'"
This is what my wife did. - by Matt
She answered the door and said: "My word, Elder. I'll bet you look sexy in your garmies!"
They ran Away. Very fast indeed! ;oD
The God line - by MJ
"Oh, you must be the missionaries God spoke to me about. God wants me to tell you that you that the LDS is not true."
My suggestions - by Richard Packham
If you want to quickly get rid of Mormon Elders when they come a-knockin' at your door, greet them enthusiastically and offer them your hand. Shake each of their hands carefully, using the Sure Sign of the Nail. This is sure to disturb them. If they ask you why you shook their hand that way, tell them you were testing to see if they were demons or spirits. This is sure to disturb them even further.
Then introduce yourself by offering them your name and then saying "But all my friends call me by my new name that I got in the temple". Give them your new name and tell them to call you by it. At this point the Elders will almost certainly excuse themselves and not return any time soon.
I've had several visits from the missionaries in the last few years, and the part that I find most difficult to deal with is when they want to "say a prayer." I have always just mumbled something like, "No, thanks, I don't think so."
But there are other possibilities that I have thought of, especially if one of the missionaries (or both) is the arrogant, know-it-all type.
Elder: We would like to conclude our discussion with prayer. Will you join us?
Me: Sure. Will this be the "true order of prayer"?
Elder: No, that's only in the temple.
Me: So we're going to use the "false order of prayer"?
Elder: Uh..., no, just a prayer.
Me: If we're going to expect a response it's going to have to be the "true order of prayer"! Just a sec, I'll go upstairs and get my temple outfit.
Elder: No, that's not necessary, we'll just kneel.
Me: Wait! Let's at least do all the signs and penalties first. Ok, here's the sign of the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.
Elder: We would like to conclude our discussion with prayer. Will you join us?
Me: Sure. In fact, I was about to suggest that you join me. Let's go outside.
Me: Yes. I believe that prayer must be offered under the open sky, and "sky-clad."
Me: As God created us, without clothing. So, come on out to the front lawn, and we'll strip down and pray....
Elder: We would like to conclude our discussion with prayer. Will you join us?
Me: Sure. Who will we be praying to?
Elder: Our heavenly Father.
Me: Oh, you mean Jupiter?
Elder: No, of course not. Jupiter was a pagan god.
Me: So what's the name of the god you want us to pray to?
Elder: Just "Heavenly Father."
Me: But that's just a title. In fact, that's what "Jupiter" means in Latin. Doesn't he have a name?
Elder: You don't have to know His name in order to pray to Him.
Me: You mean that you address your prayers "To Whom It May Concern"? What if Jupiter thinks you are praying to Him?
Elder: Elder, I think we had better leave. I feel the spirit of Satan here.
Me: Thanks for dropping by, and "Health in the Navel, Marrow in the Bones," to you, and all that other good stuff.
- Tell them that God has given you a message for them, then think up something really weird, like "Don't walk on the left side of the street!" or "Start wearing your garments inside out, to protect you from the evil within!";
- Keep humming some Mormon hymns in jazz-time while they're there, doing occasional dance steps to the rhythm;
- While they're around, sit off to one side and read the Ensign, laughing and giggling as you turn the pages (insist that you "can't help it");
- (Female missionaries:) Tell them how sexy they look, and how you would like them to be your polygamous wives in the celestial kingdom; if YOU are female, suggest that all three of you share your husband in the CK; (male missionaries:) tell them how sexy they look; ask them if they shower together; etc.
Answer the door naked, with a glass of whiskey in your hand. Say, "Oh, Elder! I'm so glad you came back! And you brought someone new this time!"
Holler into the back room: "Honey, we can start filming again! The two guys are here for the gay porno scene!"
Short video: Granny vs the missionaries: youtube.com/watch?v=9VeFEL5t_pU
Garmies inside out - by Lillium
Tell them that God has given you a message for them, then think up something really weird, like (snip) "Start wearing your garments inside out, to protect you from the evil within!"
The missionaries used to stalk me. - by Moniker
Then one day, I answered the door in a pretty SHORT robe, with a glass of wine in one hand. I invited them in this time. That was the last time I saw them.
Pretend missionary night - by Elwood
During a pretend missionary night for the youth the stake had back in the day. My wife was rolling on the floor.
You: Aren't you the guys that believe in having lots of wives?
Them: (very likely something along the lines of) No, we don't do that anymore
You: (Surprised) You don't! Well then I'm not interested. (and close the door)
That'll leave them speechless.
I was on a mission in Italy some 40 years ago and spent some time on the island of Sardinia. The people are very Mediterranean there, shorter of stature, and not ethnically Italians. We had an elder whose parents had emigrated from Sweden. He was 6'8", skinny, and so white that he was practically illegible against a wall. Contrast him against the Sardinians and then factor in that the Sards all thought he was German; they suffered a lot at the hands of Germans, and they hate them.
So one time we're doing one of those ridiculous street meetings, and as usual people are walking by taunting him, ancient women in black striking him in the thigh with the occasional umbrella, and I look over and see some little kid urinating on the guy's leg.
It was a golden moment. He had to go home and change.
Bird's eye view - by CA girl
We had a funny moment during one of those street meetings when I was on my mission in Spain. We had us, the elders and several of the ward missionaries standing in a plaza doing street contacting with our little, foldable billboard.
The elders cornered a couple of people and were trying to get in the first discussion points with them so they could count it as a lesson in their weekly stats. The ward missionaries were crowded around too, so my comp and I held back - there was already a big enough circle of people standing under that tree.
One elder brings out a Book of Mormon, shows it to the "investigators" and begins to bear his testimony. Right then, a bird in the tree pooped all over the Book of Mormon. Everyone's eyes got really big and there was a moment of dead silence then everyone burst out laughing.
The "investigators" however, took the bird's advice and declined to take home one of the clean copies in the elder's bookbag.
Bad burial - by George
So we elders put care of member burials in our area. A lady died of childbirth. Her body was swollen.
The Navajo police brought a standard wooden box for us to use. She didn't fit. Her family were waiting outside wailing (a native tradition).
We looked at each other. Comp took the lid, went halfway down it, cut nearly through the underside of the board. We nailed both ends into place. It looked like a arched top.
We carried the box to the back of our pickup (two Navajos helped). We could hear discussion amongst the mourners. Thankfully nothing was said, and we drove every-so-carefully a mile to the cemetery for a short graveside.
The wailing was louder there. I asked forgiveness from that dear lady for a few days (a native tradition if you have offended).
To give him a "swirly." - by luminouswatcher
I was working in the mission office in Little Rock. I don't remember the setup details to the story, but imagine 5 elders (leadership) carrying/dragging one elder out of the office and down the hall to the bathroom to give him a "swirly." That is where you hold their feet up, stick their head in the toilet and flush. The swirling water contorts the hair into an interesting arrangement.
Imagine the "Lord's" special representatives being involved in bullying and hazing.
And then there is dumb arse me, tagging along, shocked but laughing, and taking pictures.
Smash your teeth down your froat - by adad
I remember being a self righteous 19 year old telling a hard lad with loads of tattoos to "prove that he existed."
It was a discussion we were having about proof, etc. and I was clearly out manoeuvring him until then when he said "you'll know I exist if I smash your teeth down your froat sunshine!" (UK accent).
I quickly conceded that he was right and didn't dare to carry on. Funny when I think what pompous £$%^ I was.
Tract with zone leaders - by mly
Back in 1962, in the French East Mission, we would occasionally tract with the Zone Leaders.
One of them was a big, tall football player type. When it was my turn to give the door approach, he'd stand there behind me, listening with interest as he'd take hold of the back of my trousers and lift until my heels just barely came off the ground and I had a giant, distracting wedgie.
He'd be standing there innocently listening while I, on my tiptoes, Jesus jammies wedged where they didn't belong, struggled to maintain my composure and finish the spiel.
Fortunately, we never spent very long at a door in France before it was closed in our faces.
We were on a city bus in downtown Cordoba, Argentina - by robertb
and standing next to a beautiful young woman in very tight pants.
My companion says to me in English, thinking the young woman won't understand, "Wow! Her pants are painted on!"
No reaction from her. We ride for a while longer and the bus stops.
The young woman moves by us to get off and says to me in fluent English, "You should tell your friend to watch his mouth," leaving my companion with his jaw hanging open and me laughing.
I have three for you - by Emeritus GA
The Book of Mormon is good at covering up what you don't want others to see:
1) Doing street-contacting in the town square, my very fanatical companion gave a hot blond vixen a good chatting-up about the gospel. Afterward, he had to use a Book of Mormon to cover up his "excitement" about the contact. Funny stuff. Mustn't have gone well, though -- no phone number to follow up.
2) Same companion also urinated all over himself while contacting in the same town plaza. Apparently, the Book of Mormon covers up both piss and pricks.
3) With another (junior) companion, we were having a very heartfelt "companionship inventory" about problems he had about my lack of a work ethic while leaning against a fence in the park. BLAM-O!!! A bird shit right on him while he was bearing testimony of the work to me.
Smacked on the head - lilmama
This is actually pretty awful, but I remember once a young lady was getting baptised, she had JUST married her husband the week before, he had cancer and died the DAY after their wedding, and she, in her very vulnerable state, succumbed to the pressure and said OK, I'll get baptised. Well, I felt terrible for her, and went to support her, (I was doing splits with the sister Miss's at the time) and when he took her down into the water, he was real close to the railing, and when he brought her up, her head SMACKED into the railing and knocked her out for a couple seconds. It was unbelievable. And no apology - he just said - uh, we need to do it again, I don't think you went all the way under. I haven't seen her since.
Supersize me - scutter
We had an investigator who, to be honest, probably wasn't even mentally capable of making a decision about baptism, but it made our numbers look better (I was sick, I know). I think she had more of a crush on us than any love for the morg and its doctrines. Anyway, she was very very obese and we really didn't give it much thought until the day of the baptism. When the relief society president went to help her out in the bathroom in preparation for the baptism they couldn't find a single outfit that fit. The RS pres. came out a whispered around with a few members and then they found someone who had the keys to the temple (Oakland) and they ran next door to get a temple outfit big enough. Believe it or not, the temple didn't even have one that big!!!
Solution: Take two (male) size 50 outfits, put one on BACKWARDS and unzipped, then, take the other and put it on forwards and also unzipped.
When this young woman came out the two outfits fit her so snugg it was like seeing two women (RS pres and counselor) taking a snowman for a walk. Her arms and legs were so stuffed into the arms and legs of the outfits that flexing them in any way way impossible. When she sat down in the chair for the baptismal to begin it was just the sisters leaning her over the chair and letting her fall back (I think everyone present was dying of embarasment for her). With all that help just sitting down, she still almost slid right off the chair and the RS pres. had to "catch" her, making the scene even more hilarious.
I looked at my companion with a grin knowing that it would be him that would have to lower her into the water -- stiff as a board.
Date with fate - primus
When I was on my mission, one of the 'weird' members of the ward had a friend that he introduced the gospel to. The main feature that he presented to his friend who was also 'weird' was that the Church had a computer system that kept track of the members records that was better than the FBI computers. So anyways we go to the baptism and Phil the weird friend is going to baptize Chris AND also give the talk on baptism. So he gets up and
'Chris, you are about to be baptized as a member of the Church, and as a member you will be able to meet many fine outstanding women. Women of Character, women of conviction. And you will be able to date these women...' For about 5 minutes or so. Didn't say anything except what dating opportunities Chris would have. Let me tell you, if I was female, I wouldn't touch Chris with a 10 foot pole. Chris later called up to tell me how he got thrown out of Wal-Mart because he was trying to hit on the female employees..
"But I was just trying to be friendly Elder Primus..."
Little bro - farting on a metal chair during confirmation - Zig
The circle had about 13 men all side to side to side confirming my little bro. He was sitting on one of those uncomfortable metal church chairs. While his dad is giving the confirmation, he starts squirming and then starts farting. Of course being on the metal chair it echoed through the room.
You could feel the priests trying as hard as they could to hold back the laughter and the ripples of stiffled laughter were going through everyone's shoulders.
Dad of course, giving the blessing, raised his voice a little higher and sterner, trying to bring the "spirit" back to the blessing.
When we finally sat down, his primary teacher said, "Well, that will be one to remember." and I looked at my little sis who looked at me and that was it, I couldn't contain it and we all burst out laughing.
Dad of course, was sour pussed, thinking we were ruining a oh so spirishual meeting, but we laughed for days.
Caution: Wide Load - Hotwaterblue
As a traveling Zone Leader in the mission field, one of the companionships actually had a baptism. Very rare in Scotland. The baptism was attended by about 6 members, two sets of Elders and the intended. The person to be baptized was kind of short. She was probably 4' 11" or so. And every bit as wide. I was stunned at the amount of material that it took to encompass her.
The time comes: Elder J does his chant and attempts to dunk her. I thought the water was a little shallow to begin with, but first try was completely unsuccessful. Nor was the second, third, fourth and fifth. Her dress was floating all over the place and getting her under was becoming a real challenge. Complicating this, she was really afraid of water and was being terrorized by the entire experience. Elder H, being the witness with myself, had enough of all this foolishness. He was an Idaho farmer that had to get things done, NOW. He changes into white duds, gets into the font with the other two, and when she goes under, he jumps on top of her, holds her down, and proceeds to shove her dress and body parts under until she's completely buried in water, under him, struggling for air, and having a major panic attack.
She never, ever showed up to a meeting after that. It took days for me to stop laughing. I was inconsolable.
She wasn't wearing underwear - Prufrock
When I was a missionary in Iowa I was asked to be one of the witnesses when a couple in their mid-thirties got baptized(for those of you who don't know there are two "witnesses" to a baptism and it is their job to make sure that the prayer is said correctly and that the person is completely dunked in the water).
Anyhow, the husband's baptism went fine but when the wife was dunked, her dress floated up to about mid-belly AND SHE WASN"T WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR... I definitely felt a burning in my bosem...or somewhere... :)
Sailing on - scutter
Half the town of Socilito lives on their yachts tied to the pier (or at least that's how it was in '79). It proved very interesting tracting. We found the most "golden" couple I ever had on my mission, either before or after. These people were inteligent (but gulible, I guess) and believed all that we offered them. The were wealthy, and as far as we could tell they had no noticable jobs.
They came to church before their baptism exactly once, and it was a good first visit. They met many members and really hit it off. They got baptised the very next week and all was grand.
A couple days later we got a call from the Mission Home (located near the Oakland Temple) saying a couple we knew had come up and bought two cases of BofMs!!!! They said they felt compelled to share the gospel around the world!!! We high-tailed it out to the dock where their yacht was moored and ... it was gone!! We knew the dock manager (an ex-mo himself) and asked where the couple had gone -- he said they had given up their lease !!!! (unheard of for Socilito prime space).
We never, ever heard from them again. End-of-story. I've always wondered (even as a TBM) if they made it to Cancun or some such place an just decided it wasn't true ... but that the J-Dubs were true!!! It makes me laugh, they were just that type of people.
Kodak moment - Yse
DH and I attended a baptism where a couple of eight year olds got dunked plus a guy baptized his MIL.
So the room is pretty full and the guy turns into a real asshole while standing in the baptismal fond. It was hlarious to me but so embarrassing to every tbm there.
The MIL didn't go under the on the first try, so the jerk started CUSSING when they told him he had to do it over !!!
I don't know if the guy already had a mental problem to begin with or if he just got vey nervous. Either way, what a Kodak moment.
Thin clothing on already endowed sister - Druid
We didn't have many baptisms on my mission. One was an attractive high school age girl who was getting dunked just to get on the Indian Placement Program. We had some triple layered heavy baptismal clothing at the church but after looking at the ugly things she said she would bring her own. The whole district showed up, so we had 8 Elders and her parents and one or two others. When she came out of the water looking like the winner of a wet T-shirt contest, she just was beaming at all the Elders who were beaming right back at her. Funny how what was suppose to have been a spiritual experience prompted mass confessions for monkey spanking to the mission president.
She didn't get a nice rich home with a room of her own like she had heard of, instead she was placed with a family that already had 7 kids and were poor and strict. She was back in two weeks and never came to church.
My mission president's bad Italian got him in trouble at a baptism - kilgore
He thought he could speak just fine because he grew up with Italian grandparents in the home. He didn't fully appreciate that the southern dialect they spoke was mostly nonsense to northerners, especially with a thick American accent.
Anyway, the situation was that a married woman was getting baptized, and her hubby wasn't any too thrilled about it but was letting it happen. Apparently she failed one of the Zone Leader's interview questions and needed a follow-up with the president, after which he gave the go-ahead. (For any not familiar, there are questions about abortions and such where if answered wrong don't necessarily prevent the baptism but require approval of a higher-up, or at least that's how it worked in the late 80s.)
So the dunking happens without incident and the wet people go to dry off and change. Various people give impromptu testimonies and such while waiting for her to come back (because in those days they did the confirmation right after the dunking). The pres did one, too, in which he wanted to say something like "I met her yesterday and was very impressed with what a great person she is," but with his weird dialect/accent situation it came out more like "This is one hot lady, and I know 'cuz I was with her last night!"
The already unhappy husband now comes completely unglued and wants to deck the pres, and it took a lot of assurances from mishies and members that it was not as bad as it sounded!
And none of this helped this moron to figure out that he needed to work a bit harder on his language skills.
Gramps had no authority - jarjeff
When I was a missionary one of our converts wanted her grandpa to baptize her. We said that was okay. So he did it and everything. Later we found out that he hadn't been to church in like 20 years and most likely didn't even have the priesthood. Our mission president was all about the numbers though so we left it as it was.
It's all in the name - UK Sinner
During my mission a young convert (10 or 11 years old) was sitting waiting to be confirmed right after his baptism. When asked to confirm his name, he produced an extra middle name that wasn't used during the baptism. It was decided that he would have to be re-baptised using his full name, but unfortunately the plug had already been pulled from the font. The fire hose was quickly un-reeled to fill the font with freezing cold water, ready for dunk number 2. Luckily, we had asked a member to perform the baptism lol!
I don't know if it was the spirit that heated the water up, etc.
One of the kids I was baptizing stole $20 - Stray Mutt
I had changed into my baptism whites and he was dawdling in the changing room. I discovered afterward that the little punk had swiped $20 from my pants.
Tight fit - nao crer
Here is one similar to some of the others. I was in Brazil and had taught a large family. There was a grandmother, mother and 5 kids. I always tried to teach in the home of a member or have a member at their house and then have the member baptise them. I believe that I only baptised about 10 of the people I indoctrinated. We brain washed this family at the Bishop's house. The grandmother was enormous. The temple was getting ready to open so there were a lot of baptismal clothes. We altered a set to fit her. We overfilled the font to make sure there was enough water. The Bishop tried three times to get her under, but she was just too big. One of the other missionaries had baptisms that day, so he jumped in and on the fourth try they got her under.
Afterwards I asked him what he did. He said, "The Bishop pushed her down and I pushed down anything I could see that was sticking up." The held her under until the witnesses told them that they were successful.
On the first day of school in SLC, this really TBM teacher is talking to her class about which church their family goes to. Suzy puts up her hand and says that she goes to the baptist church. Being pig-headed, as all mormons are, the teacher refuses to accept this and asks Suzy why she goes there, and she replies that it's because that's where her parents go. The teacher is building up a bit of steam now and after a few sharp comments about little suzy's parents says 'so if your parents were idiots, would you be an idiot too?' suzy looks at her calmly and replies 'no, that would make me a mormon ma'am'
My brother, a recent RM (Returned Missionary), and his girlfriend also an RM were going through the family interview process, to determine if we liked her enough to let her into the family. Well, after a couple hours of talking about the holy spirit, going to church, and temple blessings, I was getting pretty tired of the whole thing. So, I zoned out.
The conversation turned to the story of how my Dad decided to propose to my Mom. I've heard this story many times. They had known eachother for 3 days, and they were on the phone. My dad told her he'd call right back, and hung up.
"After I hung up, I got down on my knees, and it wasn't a full minute before I felt that burning sensation..."
Here's where I broke out of my zone. I chirped, before he could say anything else,
The room was silent for a full 15 minutes. My brother's girlfriend hasn't visited since.
08/10/2003 - anon
I was a TBM (True Believing Mormon) when I married my TBM wife. But we went in opposite directions. About 10 years into the marriage I got so mad at her. I was at a meeting in Michigan and was offerd this incredible job. I called her on the phone and she refused to leave Utah. I walked out of the hotel and immediately ran into this rather attractive woman. One thing lead to another and I swear that if I had not been smarting so much from my wife's refusal, this might not have happened. To cut to the end, we went to bed together later that evening.
The next morning she was telling me that although she was not realy married, that she had actually been living with the same guy for 12 years and that they owned property together. She wanted to get married to him and have children but he didn't want to get married and he had enough children to worry about from his first failed marriage. She was thinking of leaving him and wanted to know what I thought about how to get guys over the commitment problem. I started giving her a Mormon stock answer; that if you get the milk for free why buy the cow? She seemed confused and I told her that the only way to get a guy to marry you was to refuse to sleep with him or give him anything physical beyond a simple kiss until after the wedding. And I am naked in bed with this woman telling her this crap after a lustful romp that lasted most of the previous night.
06/02/2003 - from Lynn
Ok, I dont know if this is a story that will fit in this section, but i want to share it. I lived in Utah for a year and went to the U of U. While i was there i got sick and went to the on campus health clinic for students. the questionare i had to fill out was a mile long and asked if i was sexually active. Seeing that i was, i answered yes and continued with the questions, not giving it much thought. I'm 18 and not mormon and most of all NOT MARRIED, and i dont plan on it anytime soon. Well the first thing the nurse asks me when she walks into the room is how long have i been married. Just because i said i was sexually active. Well, i guess thats just Utah for you.
10/11/2000 - R. T. P.
It's my last time in the Temple and soon-to-be last time as a Mormon. I'm stressed out beyond endurance by the weirdness cropping up all around me (I finally have to admit the "nice Mormon boy" I'd been seeing is a manic-depressive or worse, my best friend just married Ye Olde Redneck frum Hell so that she wouldn't have to be a thirty-five-year-old "spinster" & because if she wanted to have twelve kids and incorporate her family she'd better get cracking, I had a holy terror of an exchange student blackmailing me with the bishop so that I, her "tutor", would do all her homework for her...) and a good friend noticed my long face in the foyer and gently enquired what was wrong. So I told him. He nodded sagely and said, "You know, sometimes people are just like that. For instance, the other night (my fiancee) made me kiss all her stuffed animals good night before I left her place, or she threatened not to marry me. It's silly, but you just kind of have to accept things sometimes!"
And I thought....."I DO????! WHY...?!"
Here's a depressing ("silly") thing: the day I "left" the Church -- realized, with a shock like being struck in the face with a rotted fish, that it was all a crock of sh** -- my neice JOINED THE CHURCH!
09/16/2000 - anon
I presented my first professional paper before an entirely non-Mormon audience. I had given many talks in church before but this was fundamentally different. I was very nervous but well prepared and it went smoothly until a couple of old guys, long in the tooth, as they say, asked me a series of questions I could not answer. I was pretty embarrassed and in a cold sweat by the end. But my humiliation was not complete until I unthinkingly closed the disasterous presentation with the old Mormon standard; "in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
08/30/2000 - Allegheny mountain man
Once upon a time when I was in the 9th grade a long time ago, we moved from Utah Valley to a small town deep in the Allegheny mountains of Pennsylvania. My old Utah ward had dozens of gorgeous girls and thousands could be found at the local predominantly Mormon high schools. I was about at the bottom of the social scale and I had little hope of even getting a date with a cute girl. Furthermore, the basketball coach hated me and wouldn't put me on the team. My life was so miserable that I constantly started fights and got beat up all the time. When my dad told us that we would be moving to a branch with only about 8 teenagers and that I would be attending early morning seminary at a small church that was 25 miles of winding mountain road away from our new home, I thought my life had ended. A 25 year sentence to the gulags of Siberia would have seemed no worse.
I stumbled into seminary the first day, 99% asleep and met Nancy. She was a 6 ft tall blond fantacy Goddess with the deepest green eyes. I marvelled at how extraordinarily beautiful she was and thought this must be a dream. The few other Mormon kids were a bizarre assortment of misfits and our dittle-head teacher showed up so sporatically that we basically taught ourselves. Fortunately, these Pennsylvania Mormons did stick together like members of a dysfunctional family and they welcomed me with open arms. Nancy lived with her grandmother since her parents were killed in a car wreck about 8 years prior and they had converted to Mormonism shortly after that tragedy. Nancy had a strong testimony and would not date or even flirt with or socialize in any way with Non-Mormons. I was the first guy she had ever seriously considered as boyfriend material. She was willing to overlook major flaws and she had a way of making me seem to be more than I was. She also befriended and basically reactivated my older sister and the three of us had so much fun riding together to seminary every day, then on to high school. Instead of social Siberia, I was blessed with the kind of girlfriend that most guys can only imagine, one who was so loyal and kind to me because I was so much better than anything she ever expected in a Mormon guy.
The first day at school in the lunch line with Nancy standing by, some bullies started teasing this weird borderline retarded Mormon guy. I saw this purely as an opportunity to establish myself as someone to be respected. I could have cared less about the weirdo. They had insulted Mormons and I was Mormon. So I causally punched the biggest one in the mouth. I'd been told that people in the Allegheny mountains were mean, but compared to Utah valley boys, they were a bunch of panty-waists. This lead to a series of violent confrontations as I rose in rank to King of the Parking Lot. Eventually I got expelled for a few days, but to Nancy I was a hero, like Ammon in the BofM defending the Lord's sheep. The abusive harassment of Mormons stopped in that school, I mean it completely stopped. They may not have liked us but it wasn't worth the butt whooping anymore.
To top things off the basketball coach, a quiet racist, loved my complete lack of intimidation by Black athletes and my stubborn tenacious game style. He put me on the team and by my Senior year, I lead the team in rebounds and steals and I was one of the most reliable and consistent players. I often guarded the other team's best player and he always had me on the court at the end of a close game. I came through with some big plays for him. But being Mormon seemed to make it too hard to form close friendships with other kids at school or on the team. I didn't care, I had the nicest girlfriend anyone could imagine and I had a purpose, defending my loony people.
Nancy wanted to get engaged after graduation and then get married as soon as I got back from my mission. She would work at the grocery store and save money for our little house in Nowhere Pennsylvania. Her goal in life then, was to be the wife of the Elder's Quorum President in that small branch. She was true to her word and probably would have done it. In my heart I knew that I really didn't deserve her. My entire life seemed contrived. When my selfish gloating over possession of her affection matured into something closer to love, I began to desire that which was best for her. I knew that wasn't me as her high school sweetheart and eternal companion. It certainly wasn't some goofball flock of whacko Mormon lunatics lead by a small time basketball jock with sharp elbows and fast fists. Who would her gorgeous children date? I realized it was only the severe social isolation of being a member of a small obscure group of overzealous religionists that even allowed me an inflated status in her eyes. Back in Utah, a girl like her wouldn't even notice me.
I insisted that she apply to BYU and other Utah colleges. I paid her first semester tuition out of my mission fund as a graduation gift. I set her free and told her not to marry the first or the second or the third guy you meet who was better than I because there were thousands of them. I promised her that with her strong testimony and striking physical features she could have the best; an apostle's son, or a future doctor, or some rich millionaire Mormon guy from California with beach bum good looks.
Nancy went to BYU while I stayed home and worked to save for the mission. She faithfully wrote to me for the entire two miserable years.(The mission president didn't like me punching the zone leaders around.) I sensed a change in her. When I came home she was dating several guys, all of them far above me in attractiveness, refinement, good manners, intelligence, wealth, and potiential. She eventually married one of the nicer of them. But she had to actually see me again at the end of the mission and be around me for awhile to be sure that I was right about us and that I was not the man of her dreams she thought I was in high school. I wasn't. Hell, I didn't even fit in at BYU. Can't stand the place.
I think that where the church is small, the social isolation and arrogant exclusiveness is extremely damaging to the youth. I really have no right to complain since it worked so much to my advantage. But I suspect that I was incredible lucky. More often, people like Nancy end up trapped in relationships and situations far beneath their potiential.
08/23/2000 - anon
Last Sunday was the dreaded high council visit. After an excellent speech from a young man, the Bishop stood and asked: "Is there a high councilman in the audience who wishes to address us today?" No one responded. He continued: "Well, if any of you know your Bishop, you know I am not going to fill the time." And with that he didmissed us to an early Sunday school, proceeded of course with an extra long break for socializing in the foyer.
08/16/2000 - Richard Lionheart
Having worked as a radio DJ in St. George for several years, I got acquainted with a fellow who was my news director. Yes, True Believing Mormon he was, but in a rather "irreverent" sort of way. He is a blind man, and loved to do his "TV Evangelist Impression", where he was the Right Reverend (name deleted) of the Church of the Blind Faith. He would yell "Thank you JESUS" at the most inopportune moments...and cause me to break the commandment of no loud laughter. He would also use words that the Mormon Church determined were not appropriate for a young man of the covenant to use, and use them freely when we were together.
He was named the Elder's Quorum instructor in his ward. During a recent lesson, he was off on a tangent in his lesson, and he was really warming up to the subject of apostasy and actually starting to sound like a preacher at points. But the high point of his "sermon" came when he blurted out:
"Brethren, just remember, you don't FUCK with the LORD!..."
There was suddenly a great silence descended on the quorum, and he realized what he had said, and went on with his lesson like nothing had happened, all the time dreading the inevitable call from the bishop.
The call was received about an hour later, the bishop asked if that's what was said, he admitted it, and was immediately released from his calling. Even now, I can bring a smile to my friend's face by reminding him not to "fuck with the Lord!"
03/30/2000 - anon
I used to be on the board of directors of a local theater company. Our business manager was a local CPA who was Mormon. Our meetings were held one Sunday evening each month and he missed nearly every meeting because it was on "the Sabbath."
The rare occasions when he would come, he would always make a pointed comment about not really wanting to be there on Sunday because it was his Sabbath and he would always sit there with that LDS "I'm superior" manner.
Of course everyone knew that he didn't spend his Sunday evenings in prayer or reading the BOM, recently divorced, he would spend his Sunday evenings watching TV with his girlfriend (got to keep priorities straight now).
After he had given us his "Sabbath" excuse for the umpteenth time I finally suggested that he be given an ultimatum--either attend the meetings or resign his position, since he wasn't doing anything anyway. At least we wouldn't have to listen to his Sabbath excuse anymore.
03/23/2000 - Cheryl
I went to my accountant the other day to get my taxes done. I finished going through all my information and then she asked my about my church donations. (She is not LDS but has done our taxes previously) I told here that we are no longer affiliated with that organization. She simply said that sometimes happens.
I then replied, "Yea, we are really going to get killed this year." She stopped what she was doing and looked at me in raw horror and whispered "what do you mean?" I started laughing at her and said I meant in how much taxes we were going to have to pay. I then joked. "They quit doing that 150 years ago." LOL.
Maybe you had to be there to see how funny it was, But when I shared this with my husband we couldn't stop laughing.
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