Mormon Medicine, A Holy-istic Approach

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04/15/2006 - Rastacat

Center for Disease Control file 666: Mormon-Moronicitus aka Mormon Madness (accute stages, uncurable, patients report psychotic episodes of seeing : angels named Moroni (note: Pronouned MORON first though), the existance of unreal golden plates, Men on the moon without protective suits who wear Quaker costumes, and a host of other delusional fantasies related to the Erickson Child stage).

Dr: Ganjautius Q. Cat. M.D. B.Sc. Havard.

Disease type: Unstoppable Plague\mental illness.

Physical form of Mormonitus: Orginal strain mind control bio-mutagens from space bees, from Kolob infected Joseph Smith, as he threw rocks at their hive, in Palmyra New York. Space Bees are led by some form of Leaders Queen beewoman, and King beeman. Possible genocidal invasion of imaginary world Kolob.

-airborne spores given by initial contact, such as spread by missionaries.

-Intervenis, through osmosis, as potential hosts are baptised in water concentrated with mormonitus viruses, or through the skin as potential hosts are hugged by a bunch infected Mormons (slang term for infected persons), feigning friendship.

-Virus bacterial form, on food commonly given to hosts, such as cookies, and ward dinners, the communion bread.

- Children born to infected parents, are carriers, but thankfully the infection have not spread to their brain. They have the ability to free themselves from the plague.

Symptoms: Mental retardation, Mutation, Zombification, mental disease.

Cures: no known cures.

Method of infection: Airborn from infected "Zombies", called Missionaries, or interveniously through body (baptism, for the dead in temple).

Threat to American health: DANGEROUS and Malegent Pathogen.

Programs of Containment: Closing door, or avoiding the numerous zombies, spraying lysol or other disinfectant in the faces of infected carriers (Home teachers, missionaries)

Visible ailments: none, Mormons (infected people), are extremely strong, healthy, and very very well bred, only their brains are defective.

Outbreak history: 19th Century plague, orginated in New York. first plague carrier, Joesph Smith, infected his clan family then infected the village of Palymra New York. which caused the infected to commit terrible crimes of vandalism and perscutions, extreme murderous violence mental illnesses,and ultimatly the murder of many fellow American citizens. At Meadows Mountain, an infamous Outbreak of a case of Joesph SmithBubonica. (Mormonitus)

The strain mutated in the minds of the infected, and created delusions in host carrier Joesph Smith, that he was the Prince of heaven, incharge of a heavenly army.

Latter the Mormons escaped to Utah. And all signs of the infection outbreak in the New York State vanished.

The diseased mutated to a more deadly strain in secondary host Brigham Young, who commited terrible acts of psycosis violence, such as the Meadows Mountain Massacre(notable that MMM syndrom, is a symptom of Modern Mormon Madness (where 21 century Mormons deny the massacre existed, despite physical archelogical evidence). Brigham Young created his own delusional country called Deserete (present Day Utah), or Zion.

Mormonism since then has spread to other countries, and has estimatly infected 40 million people world wide. It is a global pandemic. Luckily for humanity, Mormonism can't seem to exist outside the infection zone of Utah, Arizona, Southern Alberta, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, and Eastren California. For reasons unknown Mormonitus is contained in Southern States, despite many attempts of the virus to spread. We believe is the diet of Cayant peppers that immunes the bodies against the Mormonitus paracite. Further tests are needed.

As of 2006, The great plague of Mormonitus poses a serious health risk to America. It is commonly spread through sex, as a single Mormon (common term given to the unfortunate individuals), infects non-mormons through dating.

Under the influence of the Mormonitus brain virus; (at this stage the infection has spread to the brain, causing a new entity called a Saint, the brain is heavily covered in mormon parasites that control the brain), the mormon youth single encourages the infection of healthy non mormon youths, through the "sacrement", a ritual where a willing participant mildly infected through the airborn spores emmited through ritualistic discussions by Missionaries (lesser infected youths); partakes a more concentrated concentration of the Mormonitus spores, laced water, laced bread, occasional physical contacts only done to spread the disease further (ritual called love bombing). Lovebombing is discontinued after full infection of non-Mormons. (during baptism immersion into a pool of water infected with the Mormonitus bacteria), where the pathogen is introduced to a willing pro-bacteria body through intervenis.

These rituals creating new generations of Mormons. Mormonistus has also for the past 100 or so years mutated into a brain parasite that controls a healthy adult brain, by borrowing into the spine, like the Virus from Resident Evil. The virus then becomes conscious and parasitically-symbonises with the host. Creating a new entitity called a Saint.

American culture of freewill, democracy, and person expressions, are at risk, as these Saints, also have a strong desire to spread this virus.

Without hosts the virus dies, and thus this pandemic threat. Many countries where the Mormonitus infected Saints, have planned to create other outbreaks have failed due to geo-political conditions, such as economic ability of potential hosts to become infected (being immersed in larvae infected pool). In some places the Mormon virus has been extinct, except unhelpable members who have cure resistant Mormonitus spores, lodged in their brains. The core of the Utah population are infected with the resistant parasite.

Possible and known treatments:

-Soda pop, with more testing doctors will be able to confirm if the Mormontiuscotci bacterias are affected by the fizzy of simple soda pop.

-Ciggerates and Canabiss: although unhealthy to the health of a patient. CO2 or "Smoking them out" is known to nutrealize Mormon larvaes lodged in the spine and brain through nureal toxic stiumants.

-Alchole: again a nuraltoxin that destroys hard core Mormonitus spores.

-Loud rock music and happy rave music: mentally stimulates and create Crebral-Spinal fluids that disallows the brain to atrophy, making it resistant to the parasitical mormon bactriums. The vibrations also disrupts the Virus's connection and control with the PNS (phrehial Nervous System), of the host, and causes great pain and distress to infected Mormons. Mormons have been known to shreik at the high pitched voice of Bob Marley music and other ragae artists.

=Sex: Mentally stimilates mind.

-Dancing: stimilates blood, mind, lungs to resist invasion of magelegant virus.

-Intellectual stimulation: such as video games, thought provoking movies, debates, education, or comedy movies that causes happy brain vibes (example Aquamarine, She's the Man).

Excercises the mind. As the Crebral Cortex will be immune to the lower commands of the Amphibian brain or lower brain, which commands irrational beliefs like war, and racism, and xenophobia and coveting other men's wives in caveman primate lust, other undesireable animalistic behavior before the infection spreads to the Crebral cortex, and the mormon can rationalizing such terrible acts as blowing up offices to cover up lies as in the case of Mark Hoffman, a terminally infected Mormon, or again participants of the MMM incident.

Interacial exposure is an effective mental excercise of mental stimulation that prevents infection of the Cerebral Spinal Nervous system, or upper brain.

=Playing Majong and Zen meditation has caused a control of the Mormonitus outbreak in Hong Kong and Macau which has remained at 300 infected since the 70s. The Asian practice of Tea drinking also kills the Mormoitus bacteria.

=Coffee is also a possible cure as is tea as a antiseptic of the mind numbing nural toxins of the latter stages of a Mormonitus infection.

It is important for humanity to contain the spread of the Mormonitus outbreak. It costs on the American society: much money through a tapeworm effect called Thithes, causes grown adults to lose critical rational skills needed for a high tech 21 century American work force, and risks a family to become dependant on tax payer welfare if a Male host becomes sick, or injured beyond working.

Mormonitus and their effects on gender:

Women: completly lose their abilities they have gained through high school, and become zombies called Mormonitus-Molly-nomia. A sub-dease that affects adult women. Turning them into savage meanspirited antisocial mutants, or chronic depressives who are resistant to the benifits of Prozac, or their minds revert to the Eriskson post pre-teen level. (although a more pleasant version of molly-Mormon-molynomia, it is not benificial to the "Molly- Mormon", as she lives in magical world similar to Blanche DuBoirs a fictional character from Street Car Named Desire"), where they may develop Princess or Queen beliefs.

Males: turn into unstoppable supermutants who have access to guns, and who have murdered fellow uninfected Americans, as mentioned in the Mormonitus outbreak of the 1860s. Usually a Male would just turn into a harmless, but charismatic but controling leader called a Patriarch, and suffer dellusions of being a King or ruler of a planet.

This delusion of augemented power (caused by the virus causing excess secretion of the adrenal hormons such as Steriods, and other stimulating endocrine drugs). Mormon Males strenght are also augemented by the directive commanded by the symboniant Mormon in their brain, to live healthy lifestyles to nuture the symboniant Mormon.

Mormon males aspire to positions of faux leadership, and psudopower. And mostly are antisocial people, who frighten potential hosts, or children of infected parents. This works to help forward a cure. The Mormon symboiant works too well, and causes males to become overconfident in their augmented bodies and minds. As in the case of a Daniel Peterson, a Mormon symboiant who shoots his own foot, by frequently lieing and confident in his own abilities and delusions of psuedo strenght. To make himself look foolish, as the brain is deactivated and now the Mormon-Symboniant.

Mormonism therefore poses a great risk to 21 and beyond American society through: work and health. Such as the case study of the Mark Hoffman incident, where a man mutated into a super mutant who committed acts of terrorism.

Dr. Ganjatuis Q. Cat. M.D.

(note I'm not really a doctor. I'm just a dark minded little goof. I'm sorry if anybody is offended. I only mean it as a wacky joke).

Make your favorite green jello EXTRA special with PRO-JELLO. Procaz and jello now in one E-Z package, feed your whole family and your ward with this wholesome treat. Just think of the wonderful fast and testamony meetings you'll attend, never again to listen to bitching and whining the first of each month. The perfect food for BREAKFAST,LUNCH, and DINNER. It can also be purchased in 500 lbs containers to add to your food storage programs.... - 09/22/2003 - from jeannie

Solitary Sacrament for gentiles. Instant bread and water kit. Just add vodka. - 04/11/2003 - from Bring'em Young

Lilly introduces "Prozac Weekly"! - The only question left is "On which day will Mother choose to take it?"

06/13/2001 - P.T. Brigham

Brigham Tea...stronger than black coffee and diet Coke combined. "The only prophet approved form of caffeinated drink" 10/15/2001 - Mo-Rx

05/28/2001 - anon

Ex-Cederin Headache # 3: The MO-graine - 05/17/2001 - anon

THE HOSANNA STOUT - Especially brewed for less-solemn occasions - 10/10/2000 - Nolan M

"Mormonol"- Haldol/Thorazine combination for converts (you know, to help them fit in). - 10/05/2000 - Dr. Laura

Prozac suppositories - now the whole family can be happy.

GARMIE SHIELDS- protect your precious secret underwear from your fitlhy, unworthy self! - 10/04/2000 - L. Snell, Sacramento, CA

09/28/2000 by Beli

Roll-aide, Taken prior to a temple session, will control rolling off a chair onto the floor,while sleeping or laughing. - 09/04/2000 - anon

Bitner's Bitters. Helps you apologize within the bounds that the law has set. - 08/30/2000 - anon

Holy Joe's Vapo-Rub - Promotes that "Burnin in the Bosom" - 08/12/2000 - Kinderhook Pharmaceuticals

by Cezoram - March 2000

Gar-MENTOS - keeps you fresh after every burning of the bosom. - 08/09/2000 - anon

"Veilagra" Available only upon the five, er I mean, six point of fellowship. - 05/25/2000 - anon

OK-Why? Jelly. Never question the priesthood. - 05/05/2000 - anon

The Apostate General has determined that the taking of St. Joseph's Wort, especially in sacramental form, may actually CAUSE depression. Not cure it! - 04/24/2000 - Brigham Smith

Viagra Patriarchal Brand Now Available At Bishop's Storehouses Everywhere

Mycoxafloppin (English)- Schlongenwagen (German)- DeRailleurpequer or Francoisenweiner (French)- Elpeepeeloco or Elchihuahuagrande (Spanish)- Kommoniwannawoodeelulu or Schlongalulu (Hawaiian)- Schzikabobkaboom (Greek) Donghunglonowkungfoo (Chinese) Nownoharikari or Samuraiattacki(Japanese) - 02/17/2000 - Blash and cricket

Onan-B-Gone! Cures self-lust in one application! For men and women alike! Smear generously on genitals, and they will NEVER get you in trouble again! Ingredients: 50% sulphuric acid, 50% hydrochloric acid. - 01/19/2000 - anon

Newly Released Products from Kinderhook Pharmaceuticals

"Tithe-Away" - Reduces materialism by 10%
"Vision-Ine" - Aids in refinement
"Sin-Absolvent" - Featured at better storehouses everywhere.
"Geriatric-ALL" - The apparent official tonic of the Celestial Circle, 100 proof. Medicinal Purposes Only. Prophet-General's Warning: May Cause Revelations (but it hasnt lately!)
"St. Joseph's Wort" - Rumored secret ingredient of "The Wonder Bread" - 01/10/2000 - Brigham Smith

The Top-11 selling products from Kinderhook Pharmceuticals

11) "Veil-ium"
Regular or temple strength.
10) "Baalox""
Take just prior to Endowment Ceremony"
9) "Holy-Rolleraids""
Consumes 47 times its own weight in tracts. Take at the first sign of missionaries. Counteracts "burning-bosom". May also be effective against initial signs of "witness fever""
8) "Celesto-Bismal""
"Temple-arily" relieves that uncertain feeling after departing the Temple."
7) "Ex-Cedarin""
Ex-cedarin headache #1: The home teacher."
Ex-cedarin headache #2: Missionaries who MUST prove you wrong. "
6) "Deserex Ointment""
Apply very conservatively at the first sign of garment rash."
5) "Know-It-All""
One teaspoon and you'll feel like a General Authority! Caffeine-free!"
4) "Provo-Zac""
For coping with the anxiety of the common-calling. Especially effective for symptoms of "Missionary Remorse""
3) "Vitamin L-D-S""
Daily dose aids in the prevention of "Sunstones""
2) "Poly-Dent""
Leave "Second-Sealings" for the Salt Lake Temple. One application guarantees to "Hold fast that which is hoped to remain true"."
1) "Zion-O-Stat 7""
You DONT want to know." - 12/01/1999 - Brigham Smith

New from "Temptress of Temple Square" feminine products.
A home "D&C" kit with 136 section study guide. "Brethren Approved." - 12/02/1999 - Brigham Smith and cricket

12/07/1999 - anon

"Special C.K." - That especial home storage ground wheat cereal guaranteed to build rock solid testimonies in twelve wonderful ways.

Comment Section

Ive seen some pretty stupid writings but this really takes the cake, it was quite comical, so comical in fact that it was like a cartoon, you really should write fictional books about aliens, you would get more believer into your web. 04/01/2008 - anon

Sopmetimes I thought he was serious, and then he says it is all a joke. However, some jokes just aren't funny. Mormon bashing to me, just shows that some people have feelings they can't control and/or have been offended and can't seem to come to terms with it. However, they let it take over their lives to the extent that they can't make rational statements in an effort to hurt people who truly believe in the Mormon Church. I personally was not offended too much, because I know that the gospel is true, and that whenever there is goodness and truth, there will be badness and lies and inuendoes to try to counter-act. However, history and the growth of the Mormon church has proved that it won't work. Sorry Charlie, not funny! - 02/25/2007 - vicky

You are weird and have way to much time on your hands! - 08/09/2006 - bera

enjoyed this greatly, i just had a friend who is newly heavy in Mormonism! - 08/04/2006 - anon


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