Salamander Society Movies & Theater

Welcome to the Salamander Society's movie studios, theaters, and production units behind The Zion Curtain. People visit here to screen the latest releases and to help write the screen plays and dialogs for new releases. You have access the story lines and screenplays. Click on Fan Clubs to follow your favorite Kolob stars.

So during my recent sojourn to the promised land, my wife's family suggested that we go see the new Joseph Smith production being shown at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building as a means to revive my testimony. Trying to be a good sport, I went along to see what it was all about.

Everyone I talked to before hand just gushed about how wonderful and spiritual the movie was. On the way in, the missionaries were handing out tissues at the door making cheesy comments about we might be needing them later on. I disdainfully declined the tissue, of course.

Overall, the movie came across to me as a hideous misrepresentation of the real story of Joseph Smith. I took notes afterwards and made a list of what I thought were the most glaring inaccuracies and half-truths.

-The method of translation was once again depicted as Joseph sitting at a table, examining plates and carefully dictating the words to a scribe.

-There is no mention or portrayal of Sidney Rigdon anywhere in the movie as far as I could tell. Oliver Cowdery was shown briefly, and then his apostacy discussed in terms of pride.

-They mention Emma's father's disapproval of Joseph, but imply that it is due to Joseph's vision, rather than his money digging activities.

-Before Joseph's death, Joseph is shown conferring the keys of the kingdom on Brigham Young, implying that a smooth, planned transition of power took place.

-At one point, a convert comes to Joseph to tell him to stop doing tasks around the house and leave them to Emma instead. Joseph goes on to give a cheese lecture about marriage and how to keep a woman happy. I almost gagged during that part. They later portray Joseph and Emma as a happy and deeply in love couple sharing various romantic moments together. They ignore the fact that Joseph was almost never at home and was also busy humping at least 30 other women.

-Joseph and Hyrum are commanded by the governor to go to Carthage, but of course no mention whatsover is made of why they might have been called there. Sadly, I never asked that question myself until last year and most of the people in the audience won't think to ask either.

-At one point, a black man breaks the law while trying to free his son from slavery. Joseph is sympathetic, but gives the man a kind lecture about how we must always obey the law because law is the foundation of a good society. I almost laughed out loud at that part.

-In another touching moment, a convert family needs a home so Joseph and his buddies get together and build it for them. From what I understand, it was usually the other way around. Joseph and Emma had to mooch housing off of other church members for much of their married lives.

-Finally, what I really couldn't stand were Joseph's constant little tidbits of cheesy advice and witty statements laced throughout the movie. It did not seem anything like the Joseph I've read about it various books. Furthermore, his preaching style was very mellow and all about Christ. Missing was his fiery rhetoric about Zion and confounding his enemies and becoming king of the earth.

The title of mine would be, "The Loreena Bobbit Sisterhood" and I'd show this secret society of "sistern" capturing church leaders past and present, as well as the polygamist fundies, tying them all down then Bobbitizing them! HOOAH! Now *that's* entertainment! - kolobkremedonuts

Hmm.... I think it would be a pornographic film about ... Joe Smith's harem. I'd call it, "Slippery Treasure." - Skunk Puppet

My comedy/musical "Mormons!" begins in the Sacred Grove, where a 14-year-old Joe Smith, contemplating his ~~gonads~~ poverty, wonders how he might make a better life for himself. He ~~offers~~ another prayer eats another mushroom and keeps thinking...

Suddenly, Joe is taken on a ~~sacred~~ magical hallucinatory ~~calling~~ trip, full of ~~revelation~~ magick, treasure, nubile women, ancient writings, and ~~Masonic~~ cryptic rituals! Your guide on this journey is a funkadelic ~~pirate~~ angel named ~~Nephi~~ Moroni, who introduces each new act with a rousing song about ~~finding gold~~ righteousness. Around every corner hides a new and bizarre twist to the story, each one more confusing and disorienting than the last. In Mormons! you'll laugh with Joe as he cons yet another poor farmer into selling his farm to help finance a ~~brothel~~ temple, and you'll tremble in fear with Joe when ~~God~~ another bad batch of mushrooms produces ~~a toad~~ an angel with a flaming sword, commanding him to take on additional bed partners. Nothing in your life has prepared you for this ~~documentary~~ long strange trip, set to the music of Lex de Azevedo and ~~Eliza R. Snow~~ Bob Weir. - Jarrod

Joseph Smith, the Cat with the Hat
Joe Smith, Seer, Sage or Seducer?
Joe Smith, Magic and Mormonism
Joe Smith, Seducer
Joe Smith, the Sheep, the Gold Plates and the Underwear
Joe Smith, Treasure Digger
Joe Smith, the Man and Other Men's Wives - Matt

"Joe Smith, the Sheep, the Gold Plates and the Underwear" is a title C.S. Lewis would approve. - kkd

"The church that couldnt make up its mind" and basically go thru its ever-changing metamorphises thru out its history.

It would be a modern plural marriage situation. The husband would be a lawyer, one wife would be a CEO, another would be a homemaker, one would be the "free spirit", jewelry maker, and in the opening show he would bring home a perfect 20 something named Tiffany. Of course the ladies put away their differences to plot and plan. - allegro

It would be film noir and I'd call it "Salacious Salamanders". It would be the whole truth of Joe Smith's life, which would include, the nudity, sex, violence and of course his handy dandy little episode of printing his own money . It would end in the little shoot out at the Carthage Jail with him holding his Jupiter Talisman and toppling out the window after drinking with his buddies and running out of ammo in his pistol.

I'd follow up with Salacious Salamanders part Deux staring Breedem Young and the Dannites and all his little bedroom exploits and murders. Naturally, it too would be rated X . - Saucie

My movie would be called "Up Days, Down Days." It would go through the lives of Mormons living in a Mormon town (coincidentally just like the one I live in and it starts out with everyone really happy. It looks like they are living the perfect life, in this perfect world.

Then a couple of bad or weird Mormon things happen, like a creepy bishop interview, or doing all the weird chanting and praying in sacrament meeting. It leaves the audience with a creepy feeling, but then it switches back to more perfect days.

It keeps switching back and forth, but the bad stuff keeps getting worse and worse, and the good, perfect days just keep seeming weirder and weirder ------ their smiles seem really messed up and screwy instead of sweet and nice like they did at the beginning. It goes back and forth like that until you can't tell which one is the good, perfect day and which one is the creepy bad day. They're the same. The End. - BB

Twenty-five weddings and a funeral
Gold Rush
Book of Mormon Horse Whisperers
Godmother I,II,III,...
American Beauties
How the West Was Ruined
To Kolob with Love
Lime Green Jello (sequel to Fried Green Tomatoes)
Father of the Brides
Escape from MTC
Birdbrains of the MTC
Silence of the Cureloms
The Madness of King Joseph
Lehi of Arabia
Boydzilla Destroys the Little Factory
Fellowship of the Eyring
Goldseeker
Romancing the Seerstone
The Outlaw Joey Smith
The Unforgiven Blood Atoners
The Mantle that Cracks
Last of the Mo-Democrats
Farewell to FARMS
My FAIR Ladies
Porter's List
J.F.Smith Goes to Washington
The Life of Zion
The Orderville Horror
The Expositor
Twelve Old Angry Men
Dancing with Cureloms
Hamblin
The Man They Call Hoax
Joseph Smith Sr. in "The Flask" - activejackmormon

Three-part miniseries on the life of Joseph Smith. I'd call it "Lust for Glory" - Baura

As you can tell from my screen name, I'm a big superhero fan. I thought it'd be fun to come up with some Mormon superhero names. Make sure to include the name of the superhero and whatever "speshul" powers he/she/it might have. I'll go ahead and start..

Description: The Green Apron flies around Utah County in his temple garb (Yes, bakers hat and all) smiting the unrighteous with secret "signs and tokens". The Green Apron is somewhat of a rogue in the world of Mormon superheroes, and he lays down his vigilante justice by washing and annointing all those who are unclean. He is also known to be very well endowed.

Description: Enrichment Woman wears a flowered dress and has the ability to shoot green Jell-o out of her eyes. She uses this power to trap the many sinners she encounters in a mass of sticky, carrot-filled, green goo and then swiftly brings them to justice (i.e. a "Court of Love"). She also has the ability to spread gossip faster than a speeding bullet.

Description: The Geriatric Avengers are a group of men (sorry ladies) in their 90s. Although feeble in appearance, the GAs are the most powerful superheroes in all of Mormondom! They preach to the wicked in a slow, monotone voice while repeating the same messages over and over and over. This "mind numbing" power causes evildoers to become confused and disoriented and eventually leads them to complete and utter insanity (as evidenced by the silly messages posted on RfM), at which point they are no longer a threat to Zion or the righteous inhabitants thereof. - by Spiderman Fan

The Sons of Peterson: Description: The Sons of Peterson don't actually do a whole lot outside of draining the Lord's coffers by spending most of their time on the FAIR and RfM boards. When they do have something to say, it usually consists of something along the lines of, "I'm really smart, I hang with really smart and important people, and I can speak five languages fluently. Oh yeah, and I'm really smart." The Sons of Peterson have an unnatural ability to inflate the donut-hole-sized word "Nahom" into a big jelly-filled with sprinkles on top testimony. Special Power: The Sons of Peterson can prove the church is totally true, but only in Arabic.

Description: Disguised as the local Bishop, he feigns ignorance when ward members come to him with tough questions, damning evidence against Joseph Smith, and other testimony wreckers. Simpleman deflects these fiery darts by pretending to be dumb and insisting that the sweet, perfumed aroma of the Spirit at the end of every Sunday is enough to convince him that the church is true.

Special Power: Every oven and pickup truck in the ward is in his command, and he will employ every one of them to “love” you back into full faith and fellowship.

Description: Don't let the Molly Mormon image fool you; Mary is by far the most dangerous of the Mormon Superheroes. She has your children for two hours every Sunday, filling their heads with harmful mantras like, "Follow the prophet... he knows the way" and "I love to see the temple... I’m going there someday". After several years of this kind of programming, your children no longer belong to you; they have joined the collective.

Special Power: The unique dissonance of her off-key singing lulls children into a hypnotic trance that renders them dangerously susceptible to her cultic reprogramming.

Description: This is the idiot that phones you around bedtime on Saturday night to inform you (at 200 words per minute) that Simpleman wants to meet with you in the morning. The Secretary never knows why Simpleman wants to meet with you, and offers no explanation why Simpleman can't just shoot you a phone call and save everyone the hassle of coming to the chapel. Often the emasculated little man in the ward, the Secretary rarely grows out of his superhero suit to don a suit of higher glory.

Special Power: He can dial all 3,400 inactive ward members in the time it takes you to say “Sorry, wrong number.”

Description: She is the geriatric on the back bench who never dies. She attends every baptism, ordination, and missionary farewell. She is easily identifiable in the Ward Choir because her vibrato is wide enough to drive a truck through it. Nobody ever met her husband, who died shortly after the Civil War. The Purple Beehive never passes an opportunity to stand up on Fast Sunday to recite her great-great-grandson's report card, share anecdotal stories of when she used to date J. Reuben Clark, and jokes that she should really be attending the Single's Ward to find a husband. She uses her special witnessing abilities in Gospel Doctrine, where every week she happily interrupts the teacher to remind everyone that she has taught Gospel Doctrine herself 9 times for a total of 30 years. She then testifies that she knows that David O. McKay is a true prophet, that sex is a sacrament, and that Marilyn Monroe is going to Outer Darkness for marrying a Democrat.

Special Power: Her halitosis will render any sized congregation unconscious for up to three hours. Stake Presidents are keen on using her when visiting authorities drop in on Stake Conference.

Description: A bona fide, card-carrying member of the John Birch Society and Families for America, White Lantern is also a common guest lecturer at George Wythe College. Steeped in the traditions of Benson, McConkie, and Petersen (Mark, not Danny), this patriot of ethnic purity safeguards our daughters from getting mixed up with colored folk by chaperoning at Stake Dances and patrolling the halls during early morning seminary.

Special Power: When he forgets to take his medication, he has been known to bestow priesthood blessings to restore white and delightsome features to colored people. - by Jarrod

Description: In her younger years, the Purple Beehive was able to hobble her way up to the choir seats on the stand. She was part of an invincible group of five sopranos who were untamable by any choir director. The evil congregationalists (a.k.a. non-choristers) were no match for the searing vibrato of the Blue Beehive Five. Every note that could be sustained for long enough was given the vibrato. The longer the note, the more intense the influence became. Some poor souls recall the dizzying effects of this paralyzing super-power and are again struck with fear that another will rise in her stead.

Special Ability: If all five Blue Beehives were to sing at once and lock their vibratos to the hymn, "If You Could Hie to Kolob," they would actually hurtle the congregation through space at the speed of thought and arrive at Kolob by verse 2. Thankfully, all were accounted for at the end of the song whenever it was sung. But there was that one time... - by the re-assessment of everything

Douses you with ice cold water at first sign of self stimulation, thus saving you from a lifetime of guilt. Next time the Bish asks you if you masturbate, you can proudly answer, "No, not since TouchNoMoreMan has been on the job!" - by SuperDave

Patron Saint of teenage Mormon boys performing productivity analysis and maintenance servicing of little factories everywhere.............. - by LustCrazedRabbits

Able to shove vast amounts of secret Mormon history up his ass. Watch for him at conference next April. He'll be the guy that walks funny. - by SD

This is the Wild and Worldly young woman who likes to sneak home from high school with her boyfriend while her parents are both at work. Many a young man has been carefully led down the path to the sin next to murder by this nefarious villain. But she can never be brought to justice because of her amazing testimony skills. Every other Fast Sunday she performs a testimony of such power that her tears literally carry her accusers away in a flood. Be very careful.... - by Stunted

Description: Prances around the streets of downtown Salt Lake City during General Conference and confronts various protesters. Constantly being bombarded with logical darts, Testimony Man must bear his testimony to deflect such weapons coming from the rational-thinking anti-Mormon. Although science can't explain it, he seems to have the ability create a thick titanium-like structure, with a one-way passage, around his brain that prevents anything logical from entering in, yet is gentle enough to allow horseshit to exit at will.

Perry Noid got me laughing off my rocker with his hilarioius idea for a movie, featuring a new superhero: "The Story of Edward Priesthoodarm," starring Johnny Depp as a hapless Melchizedek Goobenslurp holder, whose arm was permanently bent to the square in a freak accident and who was always sceptical about the power of the arm-to-the square priesthood command, until one day...

The Church should put out some manuals for TBMs entitled "Priesthood Commands for Dummies". Lesson 1: Get a Clue. Priesthood Commands Don't Work.

I propose a sequel starring Boyd K Packer and Johnny Depp called "Edward Priesthoodarm vs. SpongeBoyd Square Garments." Johnny tries to subdue the evil sinister Packer as Packer tries to overtake a Fruit-o-the-Loom underwear factory and force the local population to make and wear temple garments. Packer attempts to enslave gays, lesbians, intellectuals, feminists and historians to produce the garments by forced labor and terrorizing tactics.

Still another movie could be Boydzilla vs. Larry King Kong. After Hinckley's death Packer morphs into a reptilian cross between a Arnold Friberg Book of Mormon - Helaman character and a T-Rex dinosaur. Boydzilla storms the CNN studios attacking Larry King Kong who morphs into a cross between the Hulk and a gorilla. Howard Cosell and Gerald Lund pan in for the blow by blow action color commentary.

Lester Templeton was a mild-mannered Elder's Quorum President, who paid his tithing regularly, engaged in sex only for procreation and faithfully fulfilled every calling ever given to him. One fine Saturday, while putting the lid on a pint of freshly consecrated oil to be shelved for safekeeping until he could take it to the next EQ meeting, the bottle slipped out of his hand, flew up in the air and landed top-down in Lester's mouth. The bottle was wedged so tightly that Lester could not pull it out before the entire oily sacred contents had poured down Lester's throat.

Lester was sick for weeks and received numerous priesthood blessings. Although it seemed a bit redundant, the priesthood holders did rub consecrated oil in Lester's hair for each blessing. Gradually he regained his strength and everything returned to normal for Lester--or so it seemed.

One day, Lester was trying to hometeach an inactive member of the Elder's Quorum who, it turned out, was far along the road of apostasy. He was a bitter person, as all apostates are, Lester recalled, and apparently was looking for excuses not to believe in the Church due to an apostate desire to have sex for reasons other than procreation and to eat coffee-flavored ice cream on hot days. Realizing this, Lester knew that he did not have to take seriously anything this apostate could possibly say. Nonetheless, he soon found himself spitting mad when the apostate began suggesting that the beloved Prophet Joseph Smith had fooled around with a 14 year-old girl.

As Lester opened his mouth to rebuke the apostate, he was startled to see a fiery gob of consecrated oil fly out and strike the apostate in the face. Immediately, the apostate fell into a stupor of thought and could not speak or move for the space of several hours.

A still small voice then spake unto Lester, saying, "You have been blessed with a great gift. Henceforth, you are no longer Lester Templeton. You are Consecrato Stupor Man. Use your gift for righteousness and afflict the speakers of evil in this world with stupors of thought."

After this life-changing event, Consecrato Stupor Man moved in with SpongeBoyd Square Garments, where they plotted and planned together to rid the world of the dreaded EX-Men & Women.

The Matrix
Great parallels to the Morg control freaks and the invisible prison. Morpheus with the choice pills has a chilling resemblance to leaving mormonism. Except leaving Mormonism for the real world is better!

Brazil
One man's journey in a world controlled by bureaucracy. Watching it gives me the same dark feeling I got sitting in sacrament meeting. I like how Robert Deniro blows up the office building - it looks like the COB!

Pleasantville
Full of analogies that apply to the evils of mormonism and the struggles for recovery.

The Wizard of Oz
Incredible analogy to Mormonism. The scene where they discover the wizard is a hoax is priceless! My favorite line is "Don't pay any attention to that man behind the curtain!" Great for kids and has deep meanings for adults.

The Last Valley
Starring Michael Cain, this is about the protestant/Catholic conflict of the 16th century. I've seen this movie at least a dozen times. Always gives me chills and reaffirms my recovery from mormonism. Brings the evils and superstitions of organized religion to the surface. The whole thing is a great analogy to mormonism.

Heaven Help Us
Cheesy 80's teen flick, but also covers the repression of organized religion. The priest's blood-wrenching sermon against immorality is a classic. I went to an LDS private high-school and this movie takes me back to the same crap that went on there.

A Man for All Seasons
The story of one man's stand against religious and social corruption. This will touch the heart of any exmo as you see this character suffer for his integrity to the truth. An inspiration to us all, even though he loses his head.

The Crucible
Scary analogy of how non-believers can manipulate the flock. Contains great analogies to mormon thinking (and the lack therof). Homosexuals will especially relate to the witch-hunt mentality that is so analogous to mormonism.

Ants
Not just for kids, this movie explores allegories related to recovery from mormonism, especially the struggle between the individual and the group. You'll laugh your way through this one when you see the Church is like the ant colony and our hero is the exmo who decides to leave and find himself. Sometimes I feel my recovery is like being stuck to gum on the bottom of someone's shoe!

Inherit The Wind
I prefer the original 50's version, but even the 1999 remake tells the story well. Contains some of the best arguments against superstition. As a recovering mormon you will find it inspiring.

Mass Appeal
Obscure movie from 1984 depicting one idealistic catholic apprentice priest's experience with a repressive religious institution, starring Jack Lemmon. Says volumes about how church leadership treats the flock and homosexuals. Although the story takes place in the catholic church, it easily applies to mormonism. I love this movie, but it's hard to find.

The Truman Show
This baby is a real gem. After five minutes you'll forget that it's Jim Carrey and start relating it to your own life in the fishbowl of mormonism. Great analogies all the way through, especially the ending when Truman "recovers" from the hoax.

Malcom X
Denzel Washington pulls off a stunning performance as Malcom X, especially the disillusionment Malcom suffered when he learns that his living prophet was a sex fiend fraud - a haunting reminder of Joseph Smith. Very analogous to Mormonism, especially the groupthink and recovery journey Malcom has to face when he learns the truth about his Church. ExMos will relate to the sense of betrayal and loneliness.

Life of Brian
Just when you thought recovery was serious, the Monty Python crew do a hilarious spoof of religion and superstition. You'll totally relate to this movie and laugh at all the things that smack of Mormonism.

Animal Farm
The cartoon is good, but the recent live version with Patrick Stewart as the pig leader is better. This has serious political themes, but also portrays many of the disinformation techniques of the Mormon Church. You'll also relate to the many examples of hypocrisy that have their mormon equivalents.

Stalin
Robert Duvall as Joseph Stalin, this movie explores the dangers of leadership-worship. You'll never look at the GAs or other church leaders the same after watching this. Contains many analogies to Mormonism, its leadership and the fear techniques leaders use control the masses.

Elmer Gantry
Burt Lancaster plays a likable evangelistic con man, much like Joseph Smith.

Zardos
Actually, I hated the movie except for the first 15 minutes when the Zardos head brings commandments and guns to his followers. Way too long and way too seventies, but does have some recovery from religion themes.

The Stepford Wives
All the husbands in a homely New Englad town have perfect wives. But there's something sinister going on and one woman fromthe city is trying to figure it out. A Cult classic and way too reminicent of Mormonism's patriarchal order and quest for pressure on female perfection. Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail
Points out the whole silliness of the golden plates, Pearl of Great Price and Mormon dogma.

How about a film/movie about an ex-mo detective who hunts down a deranged Mormon RM who murdered people whilst on his mission in Britain and Ireland, and left sacred temple marks on the bodies of the corpses?

Years later similar murders happen back in his hometown and it is up to the ex-mo detective to hunt him down.

And yes, it is perfectly possible for someone to serve in two totally different mission fields, if they had been hospitalised for a time. This happened to someone I know. - 11/24/2002 - Matt

Mollywood - Movies - Theater - Fan Clubs

Review of "Joseph Smith The Prophet of the Restoration"

If you could make a Morg movie

Mormon Superheroes

Edward Priesthoodarm - Spongeboyd Square Garments - Consecrato Stupor Man

Movies Helpful for Recovering from Mormonism

Misc Plots, Scenes, Scripts, Themes