Chiasmus, Limmericks and Haiku - Proofs and Spoofs of Holy Scripture

Professor John Welch of Joseph Smith University shares his life long devotion and study of chiasmus and limericks (see dictionary defintions below) with you. Professor Squelch has born a fervent testimony that the syntax and cadence of chiasmus and limericks proves beyond a shady doubt that the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of High Price all come from the same source. Please submit any chiasmus, limericks haiku for Professor Welch's pleasure in the box below.

As of 02/26/2013 there are 216 limericks. As of 02/10/2009 there are 81 Haiku.

Chiasmus n: a placing crosswise, an inversion of the order of words or phrases, when repeated or subsequently referred to in a sentence; thus:

If e'er to bless thy sons My voice or hands deny, These hands let useful skill forsake, This voice in silence die. -- Dwight.

Limerick n : a humorous verse form of 5 anapestic lines with a rhyme scheme aabba.

Haiku n : an epigrammatic Japanese verse form of three short lines expressing a single feeling or impression and containing lines of five, seven, and five syllables, respectively.

Chiasmus and a History of the Ministry of Sophistry [aka FARMS]

01/19/2006 - by Iconoclast

The history of Chiasmus is so much a part of the history of the FARMS movement that I think that an argument can be made that Chiasmus is in fact the founding principle of FARMS.

FARMS was started as a private apologetic venture by John Welch, an attorney who is now a BYU professor. While on his mission Welch happened upon a lecture by a Hebrew scholar speaking to a German audience about Chiasmus being a form of ancient Hebrew literary parallelism.

The ever enthusiastic missionary was struck with an epiphany (revelation if you prefer) that if Chiasmus were in fact a part of ancient Hebrew literary form then certainly they could be found in that other source of ancient literary Hebrew scripture, the Book of Mormon.

Welch returned home and pursued an education which allowed him to follow-up on his newfound proof of the BoM. Eventually he wrote a paper (thesis?) on the subject. IIRC this was written in the language of his mission, German.

Welch found what he was looking for and Chiamus launched the current Mormon apologetic movement capturing the imagination of dozens of BYU intellectuals, hundreds of CES employees, and thousands of everyday members.

What happened is that all the closet doubters (especially those unable to express burning bosom testimonies) who had been a little suspicious or at least apprehensive about endorsing a literal interpretation of the BoM now had a new bone to chew on.

Egyptology as well as Old and New World history, archeology, anthropology, geography, geology, linguistics etc had lost traction and become dead ends as proof of the BoM. Nibley’s ramblings were becoming thread-bare to the point of embarrassment. But here was proof within the text itself that it was true. No illiterate 14 year old farm boy from New York in 1820 could have possibly known of such things or incorporated them into the BoM.

CES seminars, symposia, and lectures were held on the subject of Chiasmus. Institute Directors, Seminary teachers and ordinary sheep from around the world flocked to hear the anointed proclaim that their long-suffering faith was now vindicated by proof that the BoyProphet could not possibly have known about.

Books were written, speeches were delivered, and pamphlets were published. The membership soaked it up like a sponge. Through Seminary, an entire generation of youth became familiar with the ancient Hebrew literary device known as Chiasmus. Seminary students from the early nineties till today are as familiar with Chiasmus as they are with gold plates.

For probably 15 years the FARMS/FAIR types and their adherents have proclaimed this idea that gained currency as the most definitive proof of Joseph’s prophetic calling as a translator. Profits, Seers, Revelators and lesser mortals have stated in church published materials and elsewhere that such was the case.

Eventually someone discovered that Chaismus were indeed a hot topic in the early 1800’s not only in Joseph Smith’s time but also in his immediate local as evidenced in contemporary publications. So hot and so close that Joseph or whoever wrote the BoM could not have remained uninformed by it.

And what was the response from FARMS when they were caught?

[Quietly] Well of course. This was known all along. John Welch said as much back in 19?? when he published his original findings. It shouldn’t be necessary for us to point this out. You lesser mortals have just been too lazy to do your research on the subject.

For years they allowed this notion to influence the minds of the unsuspecting without doing anything to correct it. They are liars by omission as well as commission.

So, what we have is an organization founded by a con-man. It is then perpetuated by co-conspirators who are con-men. Supported by legions of dupes who carry its message to a massive flock of hungry, willing and mindless sheep. And when anyone calls them on their lies their response is “We have nothing to hide, The information was there all along. You should have made the effort to find it.”

Do we understand parallelisms now?

In the words of the sage Stray Mutt: “This represents a con-man’s contempt for his mark.”

The best thing that has ever been said about Chiasmus was indeed written by Dr. Shades and found in the next section. Dr. Shades is no mere mortal, given his ability to continue to play in that FARMS/FAIR sandbox on behalf of the rest of us)

The ABC's of Chiasmus

01/15/2006 - by Dr. Shades

A Hello friends,
B I am sure this
C topic has been debated
D before but I am really curious
E as to how antis have explained the discovery of chiasmus in the book of mormon.

e' I don't see how they could rationally explain it away
d' and I was wondering what excuses they give.
c' This may have all been debated
b' but I am new to this board and don't see how this doesn't authenticate the Book of Mormon very strongly.
a' Cheers.

That's how we anti's explain it.

Welch was rewarded with a position at the BYU Law School and FARMS was rewarded by being adopted by the church through BYU to become the Ministry of Sophistry. They answer the Big Questions now so that the leaders can continue to hide behind plausible deniability.

After being a devoted and enthusiastic FARMS supporter/subscriber and hopeful gospel scholar for more than 6 years I finally had to admit the obvious.

Providing hope for the desperate, FARMS is nothing more than the Mormon equivalent seeing the Virgin Mary in a 20-year-old grilled-cheese sandwich.

Limericks

Ex-Mormon Haiku

The Mormons I know love their guns - 02/26/2013 - noondaysun

The Mormons I know love their guns.
The second amendment they teach to their sons.
Though their women have charms,
They've no right to bare arms
Shoulders are scarier than weapons.

But,

Mormon women, they put me to test
With fake smiles and also fake breasts
Their small talk, oh Lord,
Like nails on chalkboard!
"I don't care what you've seen on Pinterest."

"One's not enough," said old Joe with self-laughter - 02/26/2013 - wowbagger

"One's not enough," said old Joe with self-laughter
I need Fanny under barn rafters
Orgasmic Delight
Many times every night
So Joe baffed her thereafter, and after

Our profit resembles Count Dracula - 02/26/2013 - gardenbeestinkley

Our profit resembles Count Dracula
He's creepy and that is a fact-u-la
His sermons bring tears
They also bring fears
That on poor widows he'd like to ejac-u-la!

Old Joe took a blank piece of paper - 02/26/2013 - blueorchid

Old Joe took a blank piece of paper
That's how he started his caper
He claimed sheets of gold
Told him all things of olde
And that's why a horse is a tapir.

With chariots they rode into battle - 02/26/2013 - blueorchid

With chariots they rode into battle
The wheels that they had made a rattle
With peepstones in hat
He could see all of that
And recorded his infamous prattle.

His book really caused quite a stir - 02/26/2013 - blueorchid

His book really caused quite a stir,
It made all the womenfolk purr
With husbands away
The women would say
I'd love to sleep with you sir.

The old geezers there in Salt Lake - 02/26/2013 - Possibly Pagan

The old geezers there in Salt
the money for tithing they take
to spend on a mall
and spires so tall
all along knowing that it's all fake.

The Bishop's wife is made of plastic - 02/26/2013 - ballzak

The Bishop's wife is made of plastic
Elders Prezdent thinks they'r fantastic
No porn does one need
When sowing this seed
Simply SisterWive's who'r enthusiastic

Were losing believers each day - 02/26/2013 - The Man In Black

Were losing believers each day.
Is it sin? Can it be they are gay?
We must keep them in!
Not so, says Dehlin,
Doesn't matter as long as they pay!

Twas Joseph Smith's fate to be prophet - 02/20/2013 - vastique

Twas Joseph Smith's fate to be prophet
(or at least that's what he claimed that Gawd saw fit)
But his religion's a fraud,
and the aforementioned GAwd,
(were there one) 'd say you're
better served off it

Brigham Young, that irascible hack - 02/20/2013 - vastique

Brigham Young, that irascible hack
Built a city on immigrant's backs
He gave a fresh start
(if you brought your own cart)
Except for gays, women, gentiles and blacks

There once was a man named Mormone - 02/20/2013 - breedumyung

There once was a man named Mormone
Who thought he could make a Hormone
He laid on his back
And tickled his crack
An' ol Joe Smith popped outta the bone.

There once was a man in Nauvoo - 02/20/2013 - Tupperwhere

There once was a man in Nauvoo
Who claimed that only his church was twoo
He collected all the money
along with underaged honeyŐs
None did better did anyone knew

It's great to be viewed as a prophet - 02/20/2013 - wowbagger

It's great to be viewed as a prophet
I tell other men's wives just to doff it
My hat has a stone
Helen Mar got the bone
And my church is designed for a profit

There once was a man named Boyd K. - 02/20/2013 - justrob

There once was a man named Boyd K.
Who feared with his factory he might play,
so he took of his belt
and with his hand, harshly dealt
Unaware that bedpost restraints are Kinky
[gotta slant rhyme "kinky" to be like "kinkay"]

No mormon can go to the temple - 02/20/2013 - justrob

No mormonNo mormon can go to the temple
'less he's honest with every fellow,
But ask about tithing,
And after some writhing,
"I don't know that we teach that", he'll bellow

With tall tales Joe would make the gals swoon - 02/20/2013 - justrob

With tall tales Joe would make the gals swoon,
Told of Angels and lights bright as noon.
Today there are those
Who reaffirm his prose:
"Just wait, you'll see Quakers on the moon!"

"God will kill me before I lead you astray" - 02/20/2013 - justrob

"God will kill me before I lead you astray
Are the words that old Wilford did say.
But now prophets can
simply speak as a man
Yet you're punished if you question or disobey

There once was a lady named Dew - 02/20/2013 - Mia

There once was a lady named Dew
Every Sunday she sat on a pew.
Her butt got so flat
she became a door mat.
Oh poor poor Dew
If only she knew.

Mormon doctrine is pulled from old Joe's hat - 02/20/2013 - Mia

And then there was Dehlin
He seriously considered bailin
an apostle kissed his butt
Now he back in the rut
He was afraid he was failin
the prophets were railin
Goodbye John Dehlin

Mormon doctrine is pulled from old Joe's hat - 02/20/13 - wowbagger

Mormon doctrine is pulled from old Joe's hat
God nailed Mary to give us his holy brat
Old Kolob's the buzz
As man is, God was
Oh, I don't really know that we teach that

There once was a godlet named Smith - 02/20/2013 - Elder Berry

There once was a godlet named Smith
Envisioning gold for money he made rift
In the people he screwed
Very few him they sued
Though many against him did cry

There once was a huckster named Joe - 02/20/2013 - Gadfly

There once was a huckster named Joe
Who gave fake religion a go.
He made up inscriptions
In Reformed Egyptian,
And got thirty wives just for show!

Once I was TBM, Latter-day - 02/20/2013 - PapaKen

Once I was TBM, Latter-day,
And inside I was secretly gay.
Busted out of both closets,
Turned ON both the faucets
And re-baptized myself in the spray.

I once belonged to the mormon church - 02/20/2013 - Mia

I once belonged to the mormon church.
Until one day, my name they did besmirch.
It got all upset,
And erased 10% debt.
I left them in the lurch,
Atop their self made perch
And now i'm free of the mormon church.

I came to RFM (Recovery from Mormonism) in a tizzy - 02/20/2013 - Mia

I came to RFM (Recovery from Mormonism) in a tizzy
What I had just learnt made me dizzy
Joe was a con
my beliefs were all gone.
Not only that, but I found he'd been busy
doing the nasty with Fanny and Lizzy.

Moroni did tootle his horn - 02/20/2013 - davidlkent

Moroni did tootle his horn
Since he was strictly prohibited porn
He tweeted all day
Till he found he was gay
Then he yelled out "Boyd K, I am yourn"

With envy and greed Oaks awaits - 02/20/2013 - en passant

With envy and greed Oaks awaits
Hoping to outlive his mates
When Packer and Perry and Nelson expire
He moves three steps closer to his heart's desire
To inherit the Monson estate

I was raised as a young mormon lass - 02/20/2013 - noondaysun

I was raised as a young mormon lass
I attended each young women's class
Trained to be mom
Through obedience to Thom
Well, he can now go kiss my ass.

My mom thinks I'm going to hell - 02/20/2013 - noondaysun

My mom thinks I'm going to hell
Because I don't obey too well
But I'll take my fate
At the pearly gate
Cause raising babies forever ain't swell.

"You must marry a Mormon," they said - 02/20/2013 - by cinnamint

"You must marry a Mormon," they said
So she looked for a good one to wed
But the church loves a wimp
all the men were too limp
They'll never satisfy her in bed!

We went to the temple to wed - 02/20/2013 - by Johnny the Smoke

We went to the temple to wed,
It's a family church they said!
Her parents outside,
Their access denied,
They get a ring ceremony instead.

There once was a cat known as mittens - 02/20/2013 - by sonoma

There once was a cat known as mittens
who wanted t'be king of the kittens
he spent millions of mice
to the felines entice
but a better cat had mittens smitten

I grew up drinking Kool Aid - 02/20/2013 - by noondaysun

I grew up drinking Kool
Eating wheat bread my mother had made.
Now when I dine
It's cheese and wine
I consider it a substantial upgrade.

My garments, they never quite fit - 02/20/2013 - noondaysun

My garments, they never quite fit.
The cups hung below each small tit.
The waist band, saggy,
The seat, quite baggy.
I'll bet Joseph was known for his wit!

There once was a man from Nantucket - 02/20/2013 - by jacob

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who showed me schit in a bucket.
He said this is gold, and I was sold.
Now I'm a Mormon, oh fuckit.

I had to go talk to the bish - 02/20/2013 - by Don Bagely

I had to go talk to the bish
His office closed tight like a
Though only thirteen
I had to come clean
On whether I fondled my fish

Limerick Contest Honoring the First Black Moroni Atop the Oquirrh Temple!


06/16/2009 - by flattopSF and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Angel Moroni Blackened by Lightning Strike.

Now, inquiring minds want to know - by flattopSF

Now, inquiring minds want to know
After viewing this horn-totin' Bro:
They're well known for recruiting
Black crooners, then tooting
their horns, have they recently dead-dunked SatchMo?

Have they called Sammy Davis to be an Apostle today? - by flattopSF

Have they called Sammy Davis to be an Apostle today?
Duke Ellington? Count Basie? Cab Calloway?
Gladys Knight is all they've got -
One live pigeon in the pot.
So whence this dark-skinned disturbance of Mor[m]on cliché?

Is this new Moroni a toot-torial - by flattopSF

Is this new Moroni a toot-torial
Meant for White 'n' Delightsome Utah-rial?
Monson's sending out hacks and baptizing blacks
Soon his African membership will max:
"We're diversifying our territory's all!"

Cried God "that MoTab just ain't got good licks - by flattopSF

Cried God "that MoTab just ain't got good licks-
How canst I get jiggy wid my chicks?"
Inspiration: Change Moroni to Marsalis
Then God don't need Cialis™...
...and back to those Temple-ygamy tricks!

Moroni blows his trumpet to sound - by flattopSF

Moroni blows his trumpet to sound
The news of the gospel around.
But his tones are so screechy,
Canned, cold, and preachy,
That god desired sound more profound.

So with lightning he touched ol' Moroni - by flattopSF

So with lightning he touched ol' Moroni
But he missed and scorched the bronze-oni!
Now he's gonna get Jazz
With some razz-a-ma-tazz!
'Cuz he turned ol' Moroni negroni.

Angel Moroni in black face - by BEMG

Angel Moroni in black face
blows his trumpet to the "cursed" race
"We now can be friends,
despite racist trends"
now hating gays is what we embrace.

No poem; just a fashion quote - by wine country girl

Black is the new gold!

Proud Moroni did beautifully stand - by JW the Inquizzinator

Proud Moroni did beautifully stand,
With horn outstretched from his hand,
But the storm struck back,
And turned the poor devil black,
Mark of Cain on his skin as a brand.

Atop the temple did Moroni thus stand - by JW the Inquizzinator

Atop the temple did Moroni thus stand,
Adorned in golden raiments so grand,
A storm did arise,
Lightning bolt to the eyes,
Now black is his skin rightly tanned.

Atop the shrine with much publicity - by JW the Inquizzinator

Atop the shrine with much publicity,
Moroni stood with smug felicity,
A storm gave a bump,
Cause science doth trump,
He's now blackened from pagan electricity.

Moroni his trumpet did blow - by munchybotaz

Moroni his trumpet did blow
that blacks to the Lord's church might go
Said, "Okay, I'll repent
but that's not what I meant
when I said I'd be shocked if they didn't show!"

There once was a closet smoker - by munchybotaz

There once was a closet smoker
On a temple near mountains named Oquirrh
With his horn he thought he could hide it
Cigarettes tucked discreetly inside it
but the Lord saw, and zapped the poor joker

There once was an angel so golden - by munchybotaz

There once was an angel so golden
A trumpet he was a-holdin'
They thought him seductive
But he was mostly conductive
And now he's just a-smolderin'

The Lord and Moroni were talkin' - by munchybotaz

The Lord and Moroni were talkin'
'bout how to get black folks a-flockin'
"Play rap," said M, sincerely
And was punished quite severely
The Lord's reaction was shockin'

It seemed a small thing to suggest - by munchybotaz

It seemed a small thing to suggest
But the Lord's patience it did test
"You said you lacked black experience
and I thought you were serious.
Now shut up, or I'll blacken the rest!"

Turned black by lightening so hot - by Oderus Urungus

Turned black by lightening so hot,
There're now things that he should do not:
Our anger be brimming
If he's caught with white women,
For Bro. Brigham said "Death on the spot!"

Moroni was freebasin' - by Bob T

Moroni was freebasin'
On top of the spire.
Now he has learned
Not to play with fire.

O're the temple through heat and through cold - by Twinker

O're the temple through heat and through cold
Did Moroni stand proudly and bold.
But one strike to the gleam
Of Joseph's pure dream
Has show it was only "fool's" gold.

Cheers for the Church of Jazz and Beer! - by Mason

One day flattop's "revelation" got me thinking,
Our new church would have to have drinking!
We'd serve Miles Davis' most famous Brew,
Garrett Oliver would bring just the right stew!
Some Dizzy Gillespie and Mormonism is sinking.

That venerable old angel Moronee - by Twinker

That venerable old angel Moronee
and Nephi, his 6th century crony,
declared Joseph Smith
(a "creator" of myth)
The Prophet of all that Baloney.

Moroni sat high on his perch - by sd

Moroni sat high on his perch,
When from behind he felt a slight lurch,
Then came a CRAAACK that burnt him half black
And started a new course of research.

This electrical sensation
Has left him non-Caucasion
And in search of a new revelation

There once was angel of gold, - by JW the Inquizzinator

There once was angel of gold,
Who stood stiff, rigid, and bold,
Storm clouds they did gather,
The angel did blather,
Strike me if it's fabels we've told.

Moroni, delightsome and gold - by Turnip

Moroni, delightsome and gold
Morg angel for all to behold
God smote him with lightning
Made him dark and frightening
In the pre-life he wasn't so bold
(perhaps) in the pre-life he wasn't so bold!

My grandfather, he played the sax, - by Beth

My grandfather, he played the sax,
In a traveling band, he would ask,
Is there room in the inn?
I'm not black cuz of sin.
I need a place to relax.

His question, it was quite simple,
Like his daughter, he had a dimple,
In the side of his cheek,
He was exceedingly meek,
And now his likeness is atop a TEMPLE!

Moroni sees light at the end of the tunnel - by T-bone

Moroni sees light at the end of the tunnel
That's not a trumpet, it's a beer bong funnel
But this lightweight angel's stomach went airborne
He puked and it came right back down the horn

Moroni's a fairly funloving lass - by T-bone

Moroni's a fairly funloving lass
He keeps temple patrons wondering about the source of the gas
But he got bored just watching the hoard
He sat down and the steeple went right up his ass

Queer eye for Moroni - by T-bone

Moroni sat down on the steeple
And finally "came out" to the people
He gave a loud grunt and wiggled his rump
And, my Gawd, you shoulda heard him trump

Another sign that the Judgment Day nears! - by iBear

Another sign that the Judgment Day nears!
Angels blackened and reduced to tears!
Said Joe Smith, "Mo, don't cry!
Though I don't quite know why,
I've been called 'BROTHER Joseph' for years!"

Upon a temple steeple - by StationaryTraveler

Upon a temple steeple
blowin' it for the sheeple,
Old Moroni blew
I do not know who,
But you know it's a good show
for the people.

A blackened angel - by StationaryTraveler

A blackened angel
got his tooter sinched
by lightning oh so bright
the golden bong he was sucking on
did lack the assistance
of a desperately needed light.

My right arm stiff - by StationaryTraveler

My right arm stiff
from holdin' that horn,
My back aches,
my ass is worn.
Please God help me
to show them folk,
that I'm just'......a
blowin' smoke.

There once was an angel Moroni - by munchybotaz

There once was an angel Moroni
Born on the fourth of Juloni
He thought he was fly
an American guy
Now his ass is all red, white and blowni

There once was a sacred place - by Sandie

There once was a sacred place
Which Moroni, on top, did grace.
Along came a storm
Which blackened his horn.
And visibly changed his race.

There once was a prophet named Joe - by Don Bagley

There once was a prophet named Joe
Who found a gold bible and so
He preached to the nations
He needed donations
So he would be rich, and not po'

Majestically he stood atop the steeple - by Sandie

Majestically he stood atop the steeple.
Blowing his horn as a witness to the sheeple.
Then lightening did bolt.
And give him such a jolt.
That Moroni's gold covering did peal.

Joseph dreamed of holding the rod - by copolt

Joseph dreamed of holding the rod.
He said he was told to by God.
He got some bad blisters,
Whilst showing the sisters
and now he is dead, the poor sod.

Moroni was once delightsomely white - by Bob

Moroni was once delightsomely white,
To think otherwise gave Morgbots a fright.
In leading the Nephites he was brazen and bold,
At least that's what, as a child, I was told.
He was so adored he was given a perch,
On top of all TEMPLES, not just some old church.
Yes!! White and delightsome was that Nephite guy,
Now decked out in gold, blowing his horn in the sky.
Then, one stormy day atop temple Oquirrh,
Mother Nature, herself, took care of that joker;
She sent down her lightning!! And, in one flashing bolt,
Did something that gave all Mormons a jolt!!!
Yes! In one sudden flash and a loud boombing CRACK,
Delightsome Moroni changed from white into BLACK!!!

"My feet hurt!" Cried Moroni - by flattopSF

"My feet hurt!" Cried Moroni "Standing on this ball all day!"
"With this horn, in this dress, people say I'm gay!"
God grew sick of this whiney
And took aim at his hiney...
Whoops! Looks like God raised some Cain again today.

______________________________

There was an old pervert called Joe

05/16/2009 - by esias' cat

There was an old pervert called Joe
Who had forty-odd wives on the go,
He was very well hung
Gave on demand tongue
Lies for the Lord with bravado.

There was an old pervert called Joe

05/16/2009 - by haleGal

There was an old pervert called Joe
Had one wife but still wanted mo'
In the temple he wed 'em
Then furtively bed 'em
It's a secret so who'd ever know?

There was an old pervert called Joe

05/16/2009 - by Measure

Who'd have far more wives than you'd know
He got real excited
Every time he was brided
And he'd never want Emma to Know

There was an old pervert called Joe

05/16/2009 - by flattopSF

There was an old pervert called Joe,
Most normal folks thought him a schmoe.
His followers pockets he picked
Through their women he tricked
But no, they don't think he's a man-ho.

This whacky young Smith kid named Joe

01/23/2009 - by JCPutt

This whacky young Smith kid named Joe
Was told by a ghost where to go
To find a book made of gold
With God's words we are told
How to take from the public their dough

There was a young prophet named Joe

12/02/2008 - by MadeGuy

There was a young prophet named Joe
Whose libido was running the show
His passion for beavers
Of buxom believers
Brought him fame that continues to grow

FLDS Polygamous Raid in Texas

04/18/2008 - by Adult of God

There was an ex-gov named Mitt
Who thought as vice prez I'm a hit!
But says old McCain,
The polygs are your Bain.
With that Texas manure, you're shit!

The 'Compound' Limerick.....a salute to Polygamy

04/18/2008 - by W the Inquizzinator

There once was a piece of 'sacred' ground,
Upon which stood a creepy compound,
Built there in Texas,
An LDS nexus,
Where sex drives were loosed and unbound.

Their strange little cult thus thrived,
Based on a lineage of doctrine contrived,
By a purv named Joe,
A few years ago,
Strange how his 'spirit' survived.

The world is aghast at the find,
Of children and women confined,
How could this exist?
Can this evil persist?
Who claims this religion so designed?

Cast your eyes to the land of the West,
To the city of the priesthood 'blessed'
There's your first clue
Section 132
And the doctrine extant but suppressed.

The 'Compound' Adult Version

04/18/2008 - by T-bone

There is a church where you can find
A hundred women willin'
Brother Joseph was f*cking
All the girls when they were children

We find great pleasure in this work
And in these revelations
We're just old men who otherwise
Would miss all these sensations

Our multi-purpose temple where
You can marry and consummate
Sure saves us all the trouble of
Spending time and money on dates

The boys we banish tell tall tales
Their memories are faulty
But in return for something sweet
I'll give you something salty

The women who leave are evil
Their stories can't be trusted
We've got a hundred pregnant teens
We're fixin' to get busted

We had our fun with captive women
Some would say it was a gas
Now I'm the bitch for 50 inmates
Who tap me in the ass

There once was a man named Joe

12/23/2007 - by Alex

There once was a man named Joe
Who thought "I'd tap that hoe!"
He sent her man on a mission
And said "in my vision..."
And took a tenth of my dough:(

There once was a man named Boyd K

12/23/2007 - by Alex

There once was a man named Boyd K
Who thought jacking off made you gay
He slapped facts in the face
And made us feel disgraced
For what real experts said was OK.

There once was a church based on feelings

12/23/2007 - by Alex

There once was a church based on feelings
That told no one of its real dealings
It got caught in the act
But despite the attacks
It just keeps us all still reeling

A man named Pratt

03/07/2007 - by JW the Inquizzinator

There once was a man named Pratt,
Who just knew he was where it was at.
He courted women freely,
Told them of life ideally,
and got himself killed like a rat!

Parley once met a woman

03/07/2007 - by JW the Inquizzinator

Parley once met a woman in San Fran,
Elenor fell for the smilin' Holy Man,
They ran off to Salt Lake,
Wild love they did make,
'till Hector's knife interrupted the plan.

Two Elders alone in their beds

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Two Elders alone in their beds
Quietly spoke and one said,
“I could go for a stroke,
Will you help me, old bloke?”
“Yes, but only if you'll then give me head.”

Two sisters did hear the clock ticking

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Two sisters did hear the clock ticking
And knew that they needed some dicking
If they wanted some brats
They’d have to do that
Or settle for labia licking.

No smoking, no drinking, no sex

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

No smoking, no drinking, no sex
Or you’ll be most certainly ex’ed
But we’ll hope for repentance
Through our own form of penance
‘Cause without your tithing we’re vexed.

The boys up on Capitol Hill

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

The boys up on Capitol Hill
Wanted to vote on a bill
But they didn’t know which way
To cast votes, yea or nay
Until the Church told them its will.

Gayle Ruzicka hates all the queers

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Gayle Ruzicka hates all the queers.
‘Cause there’s one thing she most of all fears
Her sons could be tarnished
And in the end banished
And they might even start drinking beer.

Monson the head of the twelve

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Monson the head of the twelve
Wanted the pharmacist to delve
Into his stock
To stop Gordon’s clock
So he’d sit at the top by himself.

There once was a man name of Joseph

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

There once was a man name of Joseph
Who knew that he wanted the most of
The use of his dick
And young girls to stick
And have one more thing he could boast of.

Larry Miller was shocked and appalled

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Larry Miller was shocked and appalled
Once Mormons in numbers had called
Complaining of Brokeback
And the morals it did lack
Unlike Hostel, a film that enthralled.

Big love and Da Vinci’s Code

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Big love and Da Vinci’s Code
Shoved the Church into their PR mode
Was Jesus married?
How many can one breed?
Lest the negative press might explode.

Joe Smith started an odd church nouveau

01/31/2007 - by EnochIpsen

Joe Smith started an odd church nouveau
That wouldn’t stop growing although
With doctrines inane
Like godhood attained
Or necro-dunking V. Van Gogh.

On my knees and prayed to God

01/30/2007 - by Sage

I fell on my knees and prayed to God
Was Joseph Smith a pious fraud?
"Oh no my son
This must be a pun
And Fanny was truly a chosen broad."

A man born in Sharon

01/30/2007 - by javanorm

There once was a man born in Sharon
Who duped folks without even carin’
Stuck his head in a hat
Said, “I didn’t do that!
Through me spectacles I was a-glarin’!”

Paul Dunn

01/30/2007 - by Enoch

We've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn
Who all by himself the war won
But a journalist named Packer
Exposed the old cracker
And mad the works of Paul H. "un-Dunn."

A prophet named Hinckley

01/30/2007 - by Botoxic

There once was a prophet named Hinckley
To the elders he said quite succinctly:
“You’re not much to look at”
And left it at that
Yet his own face was hideous and wrinkly!

PR machine's in a titter

01/30/2007 - by BrerRabbit

The PR machine's in a titter.
The Fundamentalists have made them quite bitter.
"We're just not the same!"
They love to exclaim.
"Echo that on all satellite transmitters!".

King of Nauvoo

01/30/2007 - by Stray Mutt

Said Joseph, the king of Nauvoo,
The Lord has a blessing for you.
Just bring me your daughter
Like a lamb to the slaughter.
(I’d still rather write a haiku.)

I bought a new pickup

01/30/2007 - by Botoxic

Last week I bought a new pickup
Word quickly got back to my Bishop
What about tithes? He said
And my face turned bright red
Told him where he could shove a big stick up!

Jeffs and Koresh

01/30/2007 - by Asimov

B. D. Mitchell, and Jeffs, and Koresh
Had a taste for girls' underage flesh.
And all good Mormons know
When a "Prophet" acts so
Then he's False, no exceptions, unless...

Being an elder

01/30/2007 - by T-bone

I like being an elder; I'm God's gift to this world
When I get home in two years, I'll have lots of girls
It wasn't about teaching or preaching wide and far
When I got home from overseas, I got a brand new car

holding the priesthood

01/30/2007 - by T-bone

I like holding the priesthood, I have special powers
When I use them I can use them for hours
I have x-ray vision and I can do no wrong
Because right now I'm staring at your daughter’s thong

Dating girls at BYU

01/30/2007 - by T-bone

I'm dating girls at BYU, they really are the best
They don't believe in petting, won't let me touch their breasts
If I take out your daughter, I'll have her home by 8
I have to beat my roommates home in time to masturbate

Once was a bulletin board

01/30/2007 - by cricket

RfM once was a bulletin board
Where exmos exposed the fraud of Gord
So many logged on
Soon the Church was all gone
"Damn you Hink!" swore the Lord.

Chiasmus was a limerick

01/30/2007 - by cricket

If a chiasmus was a limerick
"And I came to make a pass" was the trick
Translating from Reformed Egyptian
Joseph was truly a magician
Scoring with every young chick.

Poster, Dan Vogel

01/30/2007 - by cricket

There once was poster, Dan Vogel,
With "pious fraud" he did yodel,
Which created such a stir
The truth began to blur
So much so, FARMS started to ogle.

A young lady named Nancy

01/30/2007 - by Randy J.

There was once a young lady named Nancy
who tickled the prophet Joe's fancy.
Once Joe got rid of Bennett
he thought he would win it
but Nancy wouldn't let Joe in her pantsies.

Christian Shepherds proclaim

01/30/2007 - by flattopSF

"God's Grace" Christian Shepherds proclaim Separates us from Arab Infidels lame. But the absolute fervence Of Mormon observance Puts those other sheeples to shame!

Big Mormon Tabernacle Choir

01/30/2007 - by flattopSF

That big Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Sings songs that are meant to inspire.
But they're singin' to saints —
Not to us'n: the ain'ts
Who think Brigham Young was a fat-assed old liar.

Pie-oh-neers went West

01/30/2007 - by flattopSF

The Pie-oh-neers went West to build
A kingdom that couldn't be stilled.
"Polygamy today!
Start screwing away!"
Hollered Brig, whose wives had'im thrilled!

A man named Joe

01/30/2007 - by eighthman

There once was a man named Joe
Who was naught but an oversexed ho
He made up a religion
To poke a young pigeon
And we’re paying for it, “forever Mo”

A young girl named Helen

01/30/2007 - by substrate

There once was a young girl named Helen
Whose parents fell in with a felon.
The felon, named Joe,
Made Helen his ho,
But the folks in Salt Lake aren't tellin'.

A crook named Ol' Joe

01/30/2007 - by Steve Benson

There once was a crook named Ol' Joe,
Who tried to sell gold plates for dough,
But the book was a hook,
The believers got took,
You'd have to be dumb to be Mo.

Smith was a true man of God

01/30/2007 - by kitschy

Some say Smith was a true man of God,
Or that he was a pious fraud.
He made a religion,
With nary a stitch on,
And said Fanny, hold THIS iron rod.

Joe found a book

01/30/2007 - by kitschy

Joe found a book in a box
he composed with the aid of some rocks
"What can this thing get me?"
He said, "Then it hit me!"
That Kimball kids really a FOX!

Plan of Salvation

01/30/2007 - by kitschy

We can by the plan of Salvation,
with temple rites and preparation
Become gods with power
Our kingdom will flower
We'll rule planets of our own creation.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

A Mall! A Mall!

01/30/2007 - by BrerRabbit

“A Mall! A Mall! We have got a Mall!”
“Starbucks! Victoria’s Secret! Come one! Come all!”
Tithing funds are misspent
Is the Exmo lament
But Gordy’s networth is growing tall!

New mall is built

01/30/2007 - by BrerRabbit

A new mall is built in Salt Lake
Handsome profits projected to make.
Katrina victims, too bad.
Impoverished tribes, so sad.
But don’t expect the Morg to come to your wake.

Flim flam named Joe

01/30/2007 - by Sage

A flim flam named Joe
Who started religion to attract the dough
He loved to screw
And not just a few
Oh praise to the profit named Joe

Mitt lies in the lurch

01/30/2007 - by flattopSF

For answers, Mitt lies in the lurch
About his ploygamous church:
"Don't lightly disparage
A Tijuana marriage:
Cuz my grampa's good name you'll besmirch!"

His church affiliation

01/30/2007 - by flattopSF

When asked re: his church affiliation,
Who's the guy who'll be bossing the nation;
Mitt said "Are you a dope?
Hinckley knows he's no Pope!
My Prophet and Seer knows his station!"

Mitt claimed once

01/30/2007 - by flattopSF

Mitt claimed once to love all, t'is too true;
Though gay marriage he seeks now to undo.
"Since their sex is kinky,
On this I'll be stinky —
'S'long as polygamy's taboo, too."

Relig-yn called Morm

01/30/2007 - by Huckleberry Hinckley

There once was a relig-yn called Morm,
That no one would join if not born.
It's all just a scam,
Cooked up by a man
And one of which I will warn.

Went to church this Sunday

01/30/2007 - by Sage

I went to church this Sunday
It was nearly as bad as a Monday
I sat on my ass
Just passing gas
It wasn't much of a fun day.

Baptized my dog in the river

01/30/2007 - by Sage

I baptized my dog in the river
The heaveny vibes made him quiver
He then spoke in tongues
After taking the plunge
And said, "Thank you Joe, I'm a believer."

This kid who turned Mormon

01/30/2007 - by tigerbiter

So I knew this kid who turned Mormon
who had a wonderful hard-on
For "knowing" the boys,
Video-taping with toys,
He's now president of the priest quorum.

As if smoking good grass

01/30/2007 - by cricket

Joseph translated as if smoking good grass
Always echoing "And it came to pass."
Trying to soud like the Bible
Of lying he was found libel
Cuzz monkeys were flying out of his ass.

The Mormons gave God a dick brand new

01/30/2007 - by Sage

The Mormons gave God a dick brand new
It's on display in facsimile two
Isn't that odd
A polygamous god
For a while he just couldn't screw.

Book of Abraham Phallus in facsimile by Joseph Smith.

Joseph Smith's favorite limerick

01/30/2007 - by Standby

She wasn't dark, she wasn't fair
She had no teeth, she had no hair
Eyes of glass and neck of wood
But what was left was bloody good!

There was a young boy on a mission

01/26/2007 - by wine country girl

There was a young boy on a mission
Who had only one life’s amibition:
To punish the guy with the one winking eye,
But he couldn’t get his bishop’s permission.

Mitt wants the Republican nod

12/28/2006 - by Num Lock

Mitt wants the Republican nod,
And begs the assistance of God.
He swore consecration,
He'll admonish the Nation
to hold to Old Joe's Iron rod.

Mitt claimed once to love all, t'is true;

12/26/2006 - by flattopSF

Mitt claimed once to love all, t'is true;
Though gay marriage he seeks to undo.
"Since their sex is kinky,
On this I'll be stinky —
'S'long as polygamy's taboo, too."

When asked re: his church affiliation

12/26/2006 - by flattopSF

When asked re: his church affiliation,
Who's the guy who'll be bossing the nation;
Mitt said "Are you a dope?
Hinckley knows he's no Pope!
As my Prophet and Seer he knows his station!"

Candidate Romney justifies his means

12/24/2006 - by cricket

Candidate Romney justifies his means by the ends
With Feminists, Abortionists, Gays and Evangelicals it all depends
On getting his smooze to float
So for him they'll all vote
Because in high power politics "Mitt happens."

There once was a candidate named Mitt

12/24/2006 - by Fallible

There once was a candidate named Mitt
Being a Mormon he's full of shit
To be number one
Would be lots of fun
But smart people won't vote for the twit

For answers, Mitt lies in the lurch

12/24/2006 - by flattopSF

For answers, Mitt lies in the lurch
About his polygamous church:
"Don't lightly disparage
A Mexican marriage:
Cuz my grampa's good name you'll besmirch!"

When Joseph visited Bel Aire

12/20/2006 - by T-bone

When Joseph visited Bel Aire
He was 'saving' a hooker on the stairs
He doubled his stroke and the banister broke
So he Hied to Kolob in midair.

There once was a prophet named Gordon

11/26/2006 - by Fallible

There once was a prophet named Gordon
Revelations are what he was hoard'n
Don't know that we say
Much of anything today
Truth's a prisoner and Gordon's the warden.

Polyamy, Old Joe was hopin'

09/22/2006 - by Buntaro

Polyamy, Old Joe was hopin'
Many virgins he would be ropin'
He was a horney old dude
And not to be rude
He'd screw a snake, if you held it's mouth open

Ode to FARMS Geniuses

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

There once was a marginalized pack of losers whose greatest contribution to mankind was their incidental ability to provide recovering Mormons with entertainment,
Whose god-awful rescue attempts at Joseph's sinking ship couldn't help but be in vain-ment;
Ensconced at the Y
So in love with the lie
Their delusions led them to derangement.

Ode to Fanny A

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

There once was a young girl named Fanny
Who almost became Emma's nanny
But Joe, hot and bothered,
That teenager rogered
Leaving Emma one heartbroken mammy

Ode to Hinckley

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

He claims that the spirit's a must
The surest thing humans could trust
Yet who paid a killer
For fraudulent filler
Before his eventual bust?

Ode on the Mormon Mental State which allowed the Mountain Meadows Massacre (dedicated to Jon Krakauer)

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

There's nothing like screams in the air
To thrill a cult heart beating fair
In mindless submission
To another's volition
I find a joy beyond compare

Another Ode to Hinckley

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

Who knew the vain fool would so blow it
Selling fraud but trying hard not to show it?
When asked what he taught
He replied, "not a lot...
And what we do - I'm not sure that I know it!"

Ode to Richard G. Scott

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

There once was an a GA named Scott
As boring and stiff as a Bot
His monotone voice
Left his hearers no choice
But to start passing out on the spot.

Ode to Packer

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

He struts like a Dark Ages papist
Thinks each "queer"'s a wanna-be rapist
Protesting too much
That some men might touch -
Could Boyd himself long to turn escapist?

Ode to Mark E. Petersen, as told by Elder Petersen himself

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

"The Mexicans, pygmies, and Jews,
"The Chinamen and jigaboos:
"Just look at those faces -
"Inferior races!
"It's clear we're the best God could choose!"

Ode to Mormon Apologetic Tricks

09/15/2006 - by Tal Bachman

The point of their blust'ry attacks
Is always to obscure the facts
With hocus and pocus
They blur what's in focus
By using whatever distracts:

Pedantic notes, re-definitions
Insults, strategic omissions
Straw men, red herrings
Distortions so glaring
That ANYONE should have suspicions.

Yet when we're so keen on believing
And want to avoid ever leaving
It's like an addiction
We can't see the fiction
And enable them to keep deceiving

But once cog dis becomes a burden
So heavy it leaves us all hurtin'
We cannot avoid
Seeing tricks they've employed
To keep us all feeling so certain

So my message to Mormon apologists
Is: consult with a team of psychologists

BECAUSE

The BS pile you keep
Is so high and so deep
You've ended up virtual scatologists.

Mary was a virgin PURE

03/17/2006 - by Stephen Clark

Some say Mary was a virgin PURE.
Others could swear she was a WHORE.
But if she can do IT,
With a holy spirIT,
She is certainly not a BORE.

Joe liked to pull down the panties

03/17/2006 - by KimberlyAnn

Ol' Joe liked to pull down the panties,
Of young girls, teenagers and grannies.
The desire was such,
Couldn't do it too much!
Lost his life in the search for more fannies.

Morm prophet named Brig

03/17/2006 - by Numlock

There was a Morm prophet named Brig,
Who no one considered a prig.
"Bring me those lasses,
I covet their asses!
Who says I'm a chauvinist pig?"

Old prophet named Gordon

03/17/2006 - by Numlock

There is an old prophet named Gordon,
And Tithing bucks he was a hoardin'.
"I'll buy me some malls, cause I've got the balls,
And It's tax-exempt dollars I'm Sportin'."

Missionary feeling frustration

03/17/2006 - by anonymous

As a missionary feeling frustration
I was given to much masturbation
I felt guilty for it
Because leaders abhor it
Now their words seem just like flatulation

A FAIR guy named Dan

03/17/2006 - by Mister Scratch

There once was a FAIR guy named Dan;
He couldn't find his ass with both hands!
So, shaking his head
He burped and he said,
"These donuts go straight to my can!"

Gordy learned brown nosin'

03/17/2006 - by Au*'ingnon

Gordy learned brown nosin' early,
Learned to tickle ass with his pearlies,
Now he's right there on top,
Above the rest of the slop,
He beat them all out in the corp. hurly burly.

Saints came a settlin

03/17/2006 - by Au*'ingnon

The saints came a settlin' in Zion,
Ol' Brig, "It's the Place", was a cryin',
They all took Brig's direction,
Even the Mount Meadows insurrection,
And Ol' Brig, he came forth with his lyin'.

Brigham's lonely wife #37

03/17/2006 - by Eliza Snow

Brigham's lonely wife #37 was named Alice,
Who used Moroni's horn for a phallus.
At night she'd climb Salt Lake temple's central spire,
Without garments or a single stitch of attire,
Seeking love from a statue instead of the prophet so callous.

American Indians once were white?

03/16/2006 - by Stephen Clark

American Indians once were white?
(God had to curse them to make things right.)
It's Mormon theology,
But bogus biology.
Someday the Indians will fight.

The age of consent in Nauvoo

03/16/2006 - by substrate

The age of consent in Nauvoo
Was eighteen years, it is true
But if you were bad
They'd just get your dad
To trade exaltation for you

An angel whose name was Moroni

03/16/2006 - by Turnip

An angel whose name was Moroni
Rode a tapir, but called it pony
Had a sword made of steel
flames that were real
Scaring girls when Joe's own sword got "boney."

There once was a prophet name Joe

03/16/2006 - by

There once was a prophet name Joe
Who claimed plates colored gold
When people asked him to show them
He'd claim they were taken by Mormon
Now don't that really blow?

There once was a prophet named Hinckley

03/16/2006 - by Seneca

There once was a prophet named Hinckley
Who wouldn't do anything kinky
With his wife Marjorie Pay
Who suspected him gay
But with Dew he'd be stinky.

There once was a prophet of god

03/16/2006 - by jennyfoo

There once was a prophet of god
Told many women to hold to his rod
Their salvation would be secured
If his "revelations" they just endured
What a sack-of-shit lying fraud.

There once was a cult so blinded

03/16/2006 - by Samantha

There once was a cult so blinded
By it's own arrogance, but nobody minded.
We're the best they all said
We've got god at our head
Ignore the truth, it's all behind us.

Thomas Monson thought himself a poet

03/16/2006 - by Seneca

Thomas Monson thought himself a poet
Though nothing original, don't you know it?
Stealing from Shakespeare, Wordsworth and Frost
How expensive his poetry Library cost
Putting audiences to sleep with his dribbling shit.

Godhood exaltation was taught by Lorenzo Snow

03/16/2006 - by jennyfoo

Godhood exaltation was taught by Lorenzo Snow.
He was a prophet many prophets ago.
Current prophet Hinkley is vague,
Avoids this topic like a plague.
All he can say is, "I don't know."

There once was a prophet named Gordon

03/16/2006 - by Buntaro

There once was a prophet named Gordon
Who blew a hole in his colon
He was so full of shit
That it no longer fit
Now he lies with "depends" on.

There once was a prophet named Joe

03/16/2006 - by activejackmormon

There once was a prophet named Joe,
Who was looking for girls on the go,
But then there was Fanny,
Who he hired as a Nanny,
Who in biblical terms Joe did know.

There once was a prophet named Brigham

03/16/2006 - by activejackmormon

There once was a prophet named Brigham,
Who's favorite thing was to pick em,
But Eliza R. Snow,
Brigham never did know,
So some wives ol Brigham didn't dig em.

There once was a prophet named Taylor

03/16/2006 - by activejackmormon

There once was a prophet named Taylor,
Who lived much his life like a sailor,
So he went underground,
And he never was found,
And he died without seeing the jailor.

There once was a prophet named Woody

03/16/2006 - activejackmormon

There once was a prophet named Woody,
And rumor was Woody was moody,
And his weak manifesto,
Was for some just in jesto,
And the Senate wouldn't seat Senator Smooty.

There once was a lady named Sherrie

03/16/2006 - by by kiss me I'm Irish

There once was a lady named Sherrie
Who waited her life just to marry
Nobody would boink her
Cuz she was an oinker
So she had a dildo named Larry.

Brigham's wife named Alice

03/16/2006 - by Eliza Snow

Brigham's lonely wife #37 was named Alice,
Who used Moroni's horn for a phallus.
At night she'd climb Salt Lake temple's central spire,
Without garments or a single stitch of attire,
Seeking love from a statue instead of the prophet so callous.

There once was a kid named Joseph

03/16/2006 - by Rena T.

There once was a kid named Joseph,
Who emphatically stated he'd "SEEN STUFF"---
Out in the woods where the wild mushrooms grow,
he nibbled on some,
and was sure he DID KNOW THE TRUTH.

This is the place

03/12/2006 - by Kyle Williams

There once was a fellow named Brigham
Who went overboard with polygam.
Going limp at third base,
He said, "This is the place
To wiggle my finger and frig 'em."

There once was a prophet and seer

01/07/2006 - by Zelph Rules

There once was a prophet and seer
Who humped every whore he got nea,r
Til' one night his wife
Took an old rusty knife,
And rendered him into a steer.

Joseph Smith claimed to see with a stone

07/11/2004 - from Stephen Clark

Joseph Smith claimed to see with a stone.
He might as well have used a bone.
All visions from Smith
Are nothing but myth.
As a joke, his church stands alone.

The marginal Mormon isn't much of a foe

07/11/2004 - from Older and Wiser

The marginal Mormon isn't much of a foe,
It's just his intellect is awfully low,
Wants the Church to go away,
Wants the Church please to stay,
He can't live with it and can't let it go.

The mean ex-Mormon is all set

07/11/2004 - from Older and Wiser

The mean ex-Mormon is all set,
He gets to use the Internet.
And dish all the dirt,
How his feelings got hurt,
And reasons why he'll whine and fret.

The Mormons cause their critics to fret

07/11/2004 - from Older and Wiser

The Mormons cause their critics to fret,
When converts fall in the gospel net.
They have a good intent,
But their minds are like cement,
All mixed up and permanenly set.

A critic named Theodore Bow

07/11/2004 - from Older and Wiser

A critic named Theodore Bow
Said the Mormons should pack up and go.
Though he's been to school,
What makes him a fool,
Is what he does know that ain't so.

An ex-Mormon brother named Bruce

07/11/2004 - from Older and Wiser

An ex-Mormon brother named Bruce,
Gave his new faith as his excuse.
To get it off his chest,
He finally confessed,
Turned out he was worshipping Zeus.

There once was a cute Utah kid

03/23/2004 - from Lastpoorkid

There once was a cute Utah kid,
who was beat to believe as they did.
He grew wiser with age,
as a scholarly sage,
thus their lies from his life did he rid.

There once was a Palmyra liar

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

There once was a Palmyra liar,
Who said to the gods he'd inquire.
And so not to fail,
He made up a tale.
Now he's burning forever in fire.

There once was a money-digging gent

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

There once was a money-digging gent,
whose penis was so long that it bent.
It gave him such trouble,
He folded it double.
And he had to sleep nights in a tent.

There once was a horn-dog named Joe

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

There once was a horn-dog named Joe,
Who lined up his wives in a row.
He said "I'll admit,
I am a bit of a shit,
But think of the positions I know".

A scoundrel in an act of ill will

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

A scoundrel in an act of ill will,
Said he found some gold plates in a hill,
He lined up the fools,
And gave them some rules.
And some morons believe in him still!

There once was a young girl of God

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

There once was a young girl of God,
Who smiled when Joe gave her a nod,
Until the Almighty
Lifted her nightie,
And she beheld the Lord's iron rod!

A prophet somewhat indiscreet

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

A prophet somewhat indiscreet,
Sought to make a young lady his treat.
But after one round,
To his dismay he found
A toddler can't take too much meat.

Joe Smith was a remarkable groom

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

Joe Smith was a remarkable groom,
Who took twenty two wives to his room.
But they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and how long, and with whom.

Joe's book is a whopper, by Dickens!

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

Joe's book is a whopper, by Dickens!
With each version, the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for truth, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.

Emma Smith was a fabulous sight

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

Emma Smith was a fabulous sight,
When she posed like a hot doggy might,
But when she looked round,
To her horror she found
Joe had gone to the neighbor's for the night.

Ol' Joe hoped to be a great saint

11/02/2003 - from Ghoulslime

Ol' Joe hoped to be a great saint,
And with bullshit he had no complaint.
He wrote a story,
In hope of much glory.
He's a liar, but a saint he just ain't!

There Once Was A Prohpet Of God

09/25/2003 - by GJ

There Once Was A Prophet Of God
Who Couldn't Keep His Hands Off
Of His Rod. When Elohim Came Calling
He Told Him To Stop Palming; But
The Bastard Came Before Stopping!

Ole Joe

02/15/2003 05/29/2003 - from Nephihaha

Joseph Smith was often laid,
three times a night or so it's said
by different women, in different positions,
especially while their husbands were away on missions.

There once was a huckster named Joe

02/15/2003 - by Gadfly

There once was a huckster named Joe
Who gave fake religion a go.
He made up inscriptions
In Reformed Egyptian,
And got thirty wives just for show!

There once was a man named Smith

02/15/2003 - by SD

There once was a man named Smith
Who sold the world on a myth.
As time went by, we discovered his lie,
And his myth ain't worth a bucket of piss.

There was a Nauvoo call girl named Gail

02/15/2003 - by Skunk Puppet

There was a Nauvoo call girl named Gail
Who advertised the price of her tail.
And for the brethren quite blind
She had on her behind
The same information in Braille.

A dashing young Mormon from Nantucket

02/15/2003 - by Matt

A dashing young Mormon from Nantucket,
set out to sea in a bucket.
When asked where he'd gone,
he said, with aplomb,
"it's none of your business -but Phuket!"

A daring young Mormon from Bude,

02/15/2003 - by Matt

A daring young Mormon from Bude,
loved to dance and swim in the nude.
When told it was wrong,
she sang a rude song,
then she farted. My word! How RUDE!

Joe Smith in Nauvoo curses "Aw shoot!"

02/15/2003 - by MoNoMo

Joe Smith in Nauvoo curses "Aw shoot!"
With seven genital warts on his root.
He put acid on these
and now when he pees
he's got to finger the thing like a flute.

There was once a young lady named Nancy

02/15/2003 - by Randy J

There was once a young lady named Nancy
Who tickled the prophet Joe's fancy.
Once Joe got rid of Bennett
he thought he'd get in it
But poor Joe couldn't crack Nancy's pantsies.

My family used to be Mo

02/15/2003 - by Elwood

My family used to be Mo
We learned its a fraud and said "Doh!"
Walked away one day
Goodbye we did say
And since we love life ever so.

There once a G.A. named Scott

02/15/2003 - by Bokonon

There once a G.A. named Scott,
Who loved to drink beer and smoke pot.
But the Book of Mormon he read
to prepare him for dead,
and now all of his sins are forgot.

There once was a Mormon named Molly

02/15/2003 - SuzieQ#1

There once was a Mormon named Molly
Married Peter, a man so jolly
His priesthood came first
Her belly with babies did burst
A former Mormon she is now, by golly.

In Eden, amidst flowers and grass

02/15/2003 - by Pravda

In Eden, amidst flowers and grass
Satan gave the fruit to a lass
She had to be gone
So Adam ate some
Better out than missin' her ***!

There once was a tower in Babel

02/15/2003 - by Pravda

There once was a tower in Babel
Sure it's true cuz it's told in the Bible
Mahonri and all his pals
Escaped inside footballs
Grabbing Asians along as they traveled

We'll be Gods, Brigham said, it's a fact!

02/15/2003 - by Pravda

We'll be Gods, Brigham said, it's a fact!
And I hoped for a heavenly flat
Imagine my shock
when Gordon did talk
Sayin' "I don't know that we teach that"

There once was a man named Boyd

02/15/2003 - by Pravda

There once was a man named Boyd
Who taught kids: "masturbation avoid"
But they think he's a dope
Who's lost touch and can't cope
And belongs on some far asteroid

There once was a BYU student

02/15/2003 - by Pravda

There once was a BYU student
who wished to be a sage but he couldn't
so he faked being smart
in old history and art
and thought joining FARMS would be prudent

In the temple you learn secret signs

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

In the temple you learn secret signs,
and memorize meaningless lines.
You wear silly robes,
and shut off your lobes,
and wish Eve wasn't behind those vines.

There once was a horndog named Joe

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

There once was a horndog named Joe,
and after women he did go.
He claimed an angel
said sex or to hell,
and that makes some Mos just say Whoa!

As God is man may become

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

As God is man may become,
was taught to more than just some.
Gord says they don't teach,
a lie he did preach,
but good Mos just nod and stay mum.

Apostates are sons of perdition

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

Apostates are sons of perdition.
Mos think it's a mental condition.
Their parents get sad,
and think its their bad,
and no way will they ever just listen.

Men are that they might have joy

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

Men are that they might have joy,
But not with any other boy.
For gays they must choose
their urges to lose
and love Molly instead of Roy.

Mo's push young kids quickly to wed

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

Mo's push young kids quickly to wed,
for fear that if not they might bed.
No need to have love,
just follow above.
Can't be single, better off dead.

Don't listen to what prophets have said

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

Don't listen to what prophets have said.
They were speaking as men and are dead.
It's the prophet's words now,
that come under the vow
to believe all the crap that you're fed.

The Mos say they know what is true

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

The Mos say they know what is true,
and preach till their faces turn blue.
The truth of the matter,
is behind the chatter,
they really do not have a clue.

There was a guy named Boyd Packer

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

There was a guy named Boyd Packer,
who thought every Mo was a slacker.
A pinhead he was,
and hated because,
he heaped guilt on each penis whacker.

The Mo apostles get well paid

01/16/2003 - by Ain't Say'n

The Mo apostles get well paid,
and adoration that won't fade.
They're the top of the heap,
but in private they weep,
cause they really need to get laid.

We've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn

01/16/2003 - Enock Ipsen

We've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn
Who all by himself the war won.
But a journalist named Packer
Exposed the old cracker
And made the tales of Paul H. Undone!

A Mormon Named Young

11/07/2002 - by Mark of SLC

There once was a Mormon named Young,
He had multiple wives that were dumb.
When told they should run,
'cause they weren't number one,
they lied and said he's just well hung.

Desert Goat Herder

05/25/2002 - by anon

A desert goat herder once said
As he pounded some rocks on his head
"I'll scribble on scrolls
And punch them with holes
And they'll swear it's all true when I'm dead!"

Old Prophet Called Gordon

01/10/2002 - by Matt

There was a old prophet called Gordon,
who acted like he was a Moron.
When asked what he knew,
he puffed and he blew
but guess what? The questions? He ignored 'em!

Chiasmus in Dr. Seuss

01/04/2002 - Peekay of the Recovery Bulletin Board

Quoting from "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish"

"My hat is old
My tooth is gold
I have a bird I like to hold
My shoe is off
My foot is cold"
(next page)
"My shoe is off
My foot is cold
I have a bird I like to hold
My hat is old
My tooth is gold."

Ok, I wrote this from memory, so it may not be exactly right, but it seems like good ol' chiasmus to me. I guess that means Dr. Seuss' book must have come from ancient manuscripts. Rather humbling, isn't it? ;-)

A Missionary Named Ted

10/30/2001 - by Ben

There once was a missionary named Ted
Who was a very good at head
while sucking some dick
his companion said ick
Now Ted sleeps alone not wed.

A Huge Oxymoron

06/20/2001 - by Drowning in my Drool

The Church Educational System
Doth brainwash and babysit them
To a true-blooded Mormon
The teacher's don't drone on
To the rest it's a huge Oxymoron

Young Meat Whacker

06/19/2001 - Poisein Pen

There once was a young meat whacker
Who worked for a grumpy meat packer
Said the grumpy old dude
"To the meat don't be rude"
So he keeps it real clean in the shower

Heil Packer

06/19/2001 - Poisein Pen

The Fourth Reich Conference Center
Is so cavernous many may enter
As you pass through the gate
There's no password to date
But soon it will be "Heil Packer."

09/26/2000 - aaahhh
There once was an occultist named Joe
Who wanted to put on quite a show
Many thought him demented
For the religion he invented
It took their daughters, their freedom and gold

09/26/2000 - Debbie PA
There was an old prophet named Spence,
About sexual things he was tense,
He said you'll become gay
From wanking away
Unless you gives up and repents.

09/26/2000 - Sam
One of Joseph's young wives came from Tottenham
This girl had no manners or had forgotten 'em
Amidst Joseph's snickers she ripped off her knickers
'cause Joseph said he preferred her when not in 'em.

09/26/2000 - Kymba
There once was a man from New York,
Who felt a testiment of his own dork.
He started a movement,
and with much improvement,
Made a cult and a harem to pork.

09/26/2000 - eastern boy
There was an occultist called Joe,
Who said: "I'll give prophecy a go."
He looked at his stone...
And said "What I've sown
is nonsense, but no one'll know."

09/26/2000 - Mark K
There once was a group of old men,
Who "propheted", others to bend.
"Take heed!" they all cried,
But the hypocrites lied,
'Til the Internet did them all in!

09/26/2000 - Yossarian
There was an odd family, the Smiths,
Who created elaborate myths
Of prophets and dreams,
Of battles and schemes,
And founded a church run by stiffs.

09/26/2000 - Jerry the Aspousestate
There was an occultist called Joe,
Who said: "I'll give prophesy a go.
He looked at his stone...
Then felt of his bone,
Polygamy is the rest, we all know.

09/26/2000 - Beli
There once was a man they called Gord
Who claimed to speak with the lord.
He covered up the past,
"the church is growing fast",
Denying polygamy as part of the Word.

09/26/2000 - Steno
When, our boy, named Joe
was told by the Methodist religion,"No, Go."
He climbed up a tree,
and thought, "Gee!
Why not make up one of my own?"

09/26/2000 - anon
There was a young fellow named Joe
who found poverty a real ego blow
He thought, "This isn't funny,
but I might make some money
by giving a religion a go.

09/26/2000 - Matt There was an occultist called Joe
Who said, "I'll give prophecy a go."
He looked at his stone
And, being alone,
Thought,"Plagiarism might make me some dough."

07/25/2000 - anon

A young Deacon named Nat
In General Priesthood meeting he sat
He was a dream'n that Venus
Was a stroke'n his penis
And snatching the drops in his hat.

06/21/2000 - anon

If you want to know who controls your soul
don't look to Kolob or Venus;
Look instead to Joseph Smith the Prophet
for the danger's in his penis.

Mormon Version

From the depths of the baptismal font tiles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the custodian 'Good gracious! That poor Elder's
got a severe case of the piles.

Catholic Version

From the depths of the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the Vicar 'Good gracious! Has father Ignatius
forgotten the Bishop's got piles?'
- 05/23/2000- baronsa@hotmail.com


An old business fellow named Gordon
Said "Larry King, you sure you're recordin'?"
God wasn't a man
That's not part of the plan
Just recruitment, that's all he's rewardin'- 08/13/1999 - Rick
Old Joe had a harem of honeys
These modern guys got all their moneys
They build lots of buildings
With carpets and gildings
And tell us to breed just like the bunnies - 08/13/1999 - Rick
Black people once sat on the fence
That's why on this earth they're so dense
Oops, that's no longer true
Revelation was due
Cause there's too many folks took offence - 08/13/1999 - Rick
I remember a guy name of Benson
Hated "niggers*" and "commies" and then some
I pity that world
When the plan is unfurled
He's a god with his justice dispensin' - 08/13/1999 - Rick (*Latter Day Lampoon is not racist or bigotted,but uses this deragatory word here to emphasis the racist and bigotted attitudes of certain religious leaders.)
J. Ruben Clark once stated, and of this fact I'm well rated.
General authorities writing books, that draw dirty looks,
is only a matter of science...
For he said in quiet dignaty, spoke up quite loud,
so well that all folks could hear.
"These GA's suffer in an effort to write, from a terrible constipation of the brain,
but worse suffer incessant diarrhea of the pen..08/13/1999 - anon

There once was a prophet of god
who was born with a passionate rod
he asked the almighty if it was alrighty
to have sex with more than one broad. -

08/06/1999 - Shaunteez


There once was a prophet named Brigham,
Who partook of strong drink by the swingum,
But then, proclaimed it a sin, changed gods words wrote there in.
Now Joe wears a frown not a grin. - 07/21/1999 anon

-Keep theDemandments
In this there is chafing and
please, send us blessings

------------------------------

-plain white shirt cheap tie
and inside are dead mans bones
phony hypocrites

------------------------------

-I am Lamanite
a Royal fork family,
Wife already BIG

------------------------------

-Why Hie To Kolob?
when you can’t even greet me
once a week at church

------------------------------

-Sister Mish onare
lipstick teasing, pull on hair
“someone, buy my Pads!!”

------------------------------

-over the river
cursed are the waters there
but not like the tub

------------------------------

-testimonkey check
penishood pulled on tight,
call me in 2 years

------------------------------

-LDS m I
HP BP SP 2
then soon I’m at RFM

------------------------------

- curious case of
Gordon nothin’, thought he stood
up fer sumpin, Not

------------------------------

-has anyone not
ever had a bad day, try
our crutch on for size

------------------------------

-the lilly white field
is ready to harvest by
brown hands & gold teeth

------------------------------

-Joe sponsored by Lead
PPP got to thePoint
Monson lovs theMax!!

------------------------------

-little blue burka
on the prairie, hey Paw paw
what is your fetish

------------------------------

-send us your money
we’ve got your pie in the sky
But Joe fills her first!! - 02/10/2009 - theSam!!

------------------------------

-Pig in a blanket
was lunch food but at church this
meant Briggy would lay

------------------------------

-what would jesus do
build a mall or help the world
keep nothing, give ALL?

------------------------------

-a Poor wayfaring
man, Good Grief!! has often been
by the church, Go away. - - 02/10/2009 - theSam!!

------------------------------

Sam, the Haiku man.
RFM hangs on each word.
Creative spelling. - 02/10/2009 - Skunk Puppet

P.S. We luvs theSam!

------------------------------

"Sam", but not "I am"
Da Crutch is truly awful--
Plundering offal. - 02/10/2009 - Hike Cue

------------------------------

Joseph Smith, you
Earned your reward,
tasting the ground - 04/12/2008 - Matt

------------------------------

Send Mormons back to
Utah and Arizona.
Don’t mess with Texas!

------------------------------

Hey Mormon perverts!
Can’t wait to get young brides home?
Use the Temple bed!

------------------------------

Joseph Smith’s penchant
for many women still haunts.
Stupid f*ing cult.

------------------------------

Raping teenage girls
is part of your religion?
We have a problem.

------------------------------

Sex with a minor -
Just following the teachings
of some false prophet.

------------------------------

Multiple wives are
essential for salvation?
Not in my Bible!

------------------------------

Let’s go to the beach.
Here. Borrow my bikini.
Prairie dresses suck. - 04/12/2008 - by Ziller

------------------------------

Mormon salvation
Don’t question authority
Pay, pray and obey - 01/30/2007 - by wine country girl

------------------------------

Women going to hell
What leads them to such folly?
Earrings and teased hair.

------------------------------

Spring day in Zion
Legs and arms view the fresh sun
Garments sprout out too

------------------------------

Suits bounce a baby
Give it a name and blessing
Morgbot beginnings

------------------------------

Planetary woes:
Pluto now an asteroid
Kolob? Just a myth. - 01/27/2007 - by Haiku Anonymous

------------------------------

Born in Covenant
Brainwashed and expected to
Faithfully obey

------------------------------

Garments and nylons
Knee shorts and blouses with sleeves
Unpleasant attire

------------------------------

The three-hour block
Boredom, headache and sore buns
Where's the chocolate?

------------------------------

A Mormon icon
Big and happy family
Antidepressants - 01/27/2007 - by Some Lady

------------------------------

Starched white shirts, dark ties
Hard pews and screaming infants
Pass me the Prozac - 01/27/2007 - by javanorm

------------------------------

Mo Apologist
Anti-Mo Apologist
Annihilation.

------------------------------

Bleak dirge-like music,
Treacly dreck drones on and on.
Worst: Janice Kapp Perry.

------------------------------

Exmos need some tunes
Not from that awful hymn book.
Tal, play us a song? - 01/27/2007 - by JellyBeanLady

------------------------------

Pious Mitt Romney
Born again on Christian Right
Former moderate

------------------------------

Gordon B. Hinckley
Media versus members
The story changes

------------------------------

The Book of Mormon
In the bathroom next to john
Good for wiping ass

------------------------------

Adam having been
True and faithful in all things
Creepy rituals

------------------------------

Apologist's task
Start with answer, work backwards
Reinforce bias

------------------------------

Ex-Mormon finance
No more ten percent tithing
You can afford beer

------------------------------

Marriott Hotels
Book of Mormon in nightstand
Hard-core porn on tube

Ex-Mormon haiku
Years of damage from the cult
Turn shit into art

------------------------------

Young men interviews
Guilt over what all guys do
Whippin’ the bishop

------------------------------

Life’s little blessings
We don’t take them for granted
Normal underwear

------------------------------

Soaked on the doorstep
Obstinate missionaries
Cheryl’s garden hose

------------------------------

Green Jell-O salad
With shredded carrots on top
Fuck that, I want beer

------------------------------

Sixteen-year-old priest
Scratches butt then breaks the bread
I do not partake

------------------------------

Temple wedding rites
Giving yourself to the church
No mention of love

------------------------------

Haiku from Mujun
His screen name is Japanese
Doesn’t seem to help

------------------------------

Ex-Mormon parties
Loud laughter, light-mindedness
My kind of people - by Mujun - 01/26/2007

------------------------------

White robe green apron
Secret handshake heaven's pass
Temple name Esther

------------------------------

My morning coffee
Victoria's Secret bra
Cosmopolitans

------------------------------

Bishop's interview
Confessing to French kissing
Recommend denied

------------------------------

Book of Mormon proofs
None have yet been discovered
Pay, pray, go by faith

------------------------------

Prophet Joseph Smith
Imagined theophany
Mythomaniac

------------------------------

I am apostate
My testimony riven
Tergiversation

------------------------------

Apologetics
A rhetoric punditry
Winding, torturous

------------------------------

Drunk for the first time
Makes his bad jokes seem funny
Long Island Iced Tea

------------------------------

Teased hair is evil
The Lord says, "Stop using mousse!"
Boyd Packer's a nerd

------------------------------

Questions on the shelf
Weighted heavily with doubt
Fell painfully down - by KimberlyAnn - 01/26/2007

------------------------------

Mountain meadows good
for grazing cattle--Help us!
Mormons slit our throats. - by et in Utah ego - 01/26/2007

------------------------------

Leafless trees from light.
Realizing truth is not there.
Spirit's freedom now. - by Grape Nephi - 01/26/2007

------------------------------

Silent voiceless smoke
Drifting in and out of Light
Now learns how to Breathe - by Crystal Song - 01/27/2007

------------------------------

Joe Smith, pious fraud?
No, just a con man rapist.
Makes a good flame war. - by monomania - 01/26/2007

------------------------------

I found myself, where
I was to never look, then
I cried for those lost. - by tol - 01/26/2007

------------------------------

Dark clouds turned to black
Oxcart hastily mended
the journey begins - by eighthman - 01/26/2007

A little haiku shuffle anyone?

------------------------------

Ex-Mormon haiku
Haiku from Mujun
His screen name is Japanese

------------------------------

Sixteen-year-old priest
Soaked on the doorstep
Whippin’ the bishop

------------------------------

Years of damage from the cult
No mention of love
Cheryl’s garden hose

------------------------------

Young men interviews
Giving yourself to the church
Loud laughter, light-mindedness

------------------------------

Obstinate missionaries
My kind of people
Temple wedding rites

------------------------------

Normal underwear
Life’s little blessings
We don’t take them for granted

------------------------------

Guilt over what all guys do
Scratches butt then breaks the bread
Turn shit into art

------------------------------

Green Jell-O salad
With shredded carrots on top
Fuck that, I want beer

------------------------------

Ex-Mormon parties
I do not partake
Doesn’t seem to help - by anon - 1/26/2007

Comments Section

Every time I see that word chiasmus I think we need to call a medic. It sounds nasty. - 03/16/2006 - Nightingale

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