Professor John Welch of Joseph Smith University shares his life long devotion and study of chiasmus and limericks (see dictionary defintions below) with you. Professor Squelch has born a fervent testimony that the syntax and cadence of chiasmus and limericks proves beyond a shady doubt that the Bible, Book
of Mormon, Pearl of High Price all come from the same source. Please submit any chiasmus, limericks haiku for
Professor Welch's pleasure in the box below.
As of 04/17/2007 there are 134 limericks. As of 04/12/2007 there are 62 Haiku.
Chiasmus n: a placing crosswise, an inversion of the order of words or phrases, when repeated or subsequently referred to in a sentence; thus:
If e'er to bless thy sons My voice or hands deny, These hands let useful skill forsake, This voice in silence die. -- Dwight.
Limerick n : a humorous verse form of 5 anapestic lines with a rhyme scheme aabba.
Haiku n : an epigrammatic Japanese verse form of three short lines expressing a single feeling or impression and containing lines of five, seven, and five syllables, respectively.
The history of Chiasmus is so much a part of the history of the FARMS movement that I think that an argument can be made that Chiasmus is in fact the founding principle of FARMS.
FARMS was started as a private apologetic venture by John Welch, an attorney who is now a BYU professor. While on his mission Welch happened upon a lecture by a Hebrew scholar speaking to a German audience about Chiasmus being a form of ancient Hebrew literary parallelism.
The ever enthusiastic missionary was struck with an epiphany (revelation if you prefer) that if Chiasmus were in fact a part of ancient Hebrew literary form then certainly they could be found in that other source of ancient literary Hebrew scripture, the Book of Mormon.
Welch returned home and pursued an education which allowed him to follow-up on his newfound proof of the BoM. Eventually he wrote a paper (thesis?) on the subject. IIRC this was written in the language of his mission, German.
Welch found what he was looking for and Chiamus launched the current Mormon apologetic movement capturing the imagination of dozens of BYU intellectuals, hundreds of CES employees, and thousands of everyday members.
What happened is that all the closet doubters (especially those unable to express burning bosom testimonies) who had been a little suspicious or at least apprehensive about endorsing a literal interpretation of the BoM now had a new bone to chew on.
Egyptology as well as Old and New World history, archeology, anthropology, geography, geology, linguistics etc had lost traction and become dead ends as proof of the BoM. Nibley’s ramblings were becoming thread-bare to the point of embarrassment. But here was proof within the text itself that it was true. No illiterate 14 year old farm boy from New York in 1820 could have possibly known of such things or incorporated them into the BoM.
CES seminars, symposia, and lectures were held on the subject of Chiasmus. Institute Directors, Seminary teachers and ordinary sheep from around the world flocked to hear the anointed proclaim that their long-suffering faith was now vindicated by proof that the BoyProphet could not possibly have known about.
Books were written, speeches were delivered, and pamphlets were published. The membership soaked it up like a sponge. Through Seminary, an entire generation of youth became familiar with the ancient Hebrew literary device known as Chiasmus. Seminary students from the early nineties till today are as familiar with Chiasmus as they are with gold plates.
For probably 15 years the FARMS/FAIR types and their adherents have proclaimed this idea that gained currency as the most definitive proof of Joseph’s prophetic calling as a translator. Profits, Seers, Revelators and lesser mortals have stated in church published materials and elsewhere that such was the case.
Eventually someone discovered that Chaismus were indeed a hot topic in the early 1800’s not only in Joseph Smith’s time but also in his immediate local as evidenced in contemporary publications. So hot and so close that Joseph or whoever wrote the BoM could not have remained uninformed by it.
And what was the response from FARMS when they were caught?
[Quietly] Well of course. This was known all along. John Welch said as much back in 19?? when he published his original findings. It shouldn’t be necessary for us to point this out. You lesser mortals have just been too lazy to do your research on the subject.
For years they allowed this notion to influence the minds of the unsuspecting without doing anything to correct it. They are liars by omission as well as commission.
So, what we have is an organization founded by a con-man. It is then perpetuated by co-conspirators who are con-men. Supported by legions of dupes who carry its message to a massive flock of hungry, willing and mindless sheep. And when anyone calls them on their lies their response is “We have nothing to hide, The information was there all along. You should have made the effort to find it.”
Do we understand parallelisms now?
In the words of the sage Stray Mutt: “This represents a con-man’s contempt for his mark.”
The best thing that has ever been said about Chiasmus was indeed written by Dr. Shades and found in the next section. Dr. Shades is no mere mortal, given his ability to continue to play in that FARMS/FAIR sandbox on behalf of the rest of us)
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The ABC's of Chiasmus
A Hello friends, That's how we anti's explain it. |
Welch was rewarded with a position at the BYU Law School and FARMS was rewarded by being adopted by the church through BYU to become the Ministry of Sophistry. They answer the Big Questions now so that the leaders can continue to hide behind plausible deniability.
After being a devoted and enthusiastic FARMS supporter/subscriber and hopeful gospel scholar for more than 6 years I finally had to admit the obvious.
Providing hope for the desperate, FARMS is nothing more than the Mormon equivalent seeing the Virgin Mary in a 20-year-old grilled-cheese sandwich.
Limericks |
Ex-Mormon Haiku |
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FLDS Polygamous Raid in Texas
There was an ex-gov named Mitt
The 'Compound' Limerick.....a salute to Polygamy
There once was a piece of 'sacred' ground,
Their strange little cult thus thrived,
The world is aghast at the find,
Cast your eyes to the land of the West,
The 'Compound' Adult Version
There is a church where you can find
We find great pleasure in this work
Our multi-purpose temple where
The boys we banish tell tall tales
The women who leave are evil
We had our fun with captive women
There once was a man named Joe
There once was a man named Joe
There once was a man named Boyd K
There once was a man named Boyd K
There once was a church based on feelings
There once was a church based on feelings
A man named Pratt
There once was a man named Pratt,
Parley once met a woman
Parley once met a woman in San Fran,
Two Elders alone in their beds
Two Elders alone in their beds
Two sisters did hear the clock ticking
Two sisters did hear the clock ticking
No smoking, no drinking, no sex
No smoking, no drinking, no sex
The boys up on Capitol Hill
The boys up on Capitol Hill
Gayle Ruzicka hates all the queers
Gayle Ruzicka hates all the queers.
Monson the head of the twelve
Monson the head of the twelve
There once was a man name of Joseph
There once was a man name of Joseph
Larry Miller was shocked and appalled
Larry Miller was shocked and appalled
Big love and Da Vinci’s Code
Big love and Da Vinci’s Code
Joe Smith started an odd church nouveau
Joe Smith started an odd church nouveau
On my knees and prayed to God
I fell on my knees and prayed to God
A man born in Sharon
There once was a man born in Sharon
Paul DunnWe've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn
A prophet named HinckleyThere once was a prophet named Hinckley
PR machine's in a titter
The PR machine's in a titter.
King of NauvooSaid Joseph, the king of Nauvoo,
I bought a new pickupLast week I bought a new pickup
Jeffs and KoreshB. D. Mitchell, and Jeffs, and Koresh
Being an elderI like being an elder; I'm God's gift to this world
holding the priesthood
I like holding the priesthood, I have special powers
Dating girls at BYU
I'm dating girls at BYU, they really are the best
Once was a bulletin boardRfM once was a bulletin board
Chiasmus was a limerick
If a chiasmus was a limerick
Poster, Dan Vogel
There once was poster, Dan Vogel,
A young lady named Nancy
There was once a young lady named Nancy
Christian Shepherds proclaim"God's Grace" Christian Shepherds proclaim Separates us from Arab Infidels lame. But the absolute fervence Of Mormon observance Puts those other sheeples to shame!
Big Mormon Tabernacle Choir
That big Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Pie-oh-neers went West
The Pie-oh-neers went West to build
A man named JoeThere once was a man named Joe
A young girl named HelenThere once was a young girl named Helen
A crook named Ol' JoeThere once was a crook named Ol' Joe,
Smith was a true man of GodSome say Smith was a true man of God,
Joe found a bookJoe found a book in a box
Plan of SalvationWe can by the plan of Salvation, In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
A Mall! A Mall!“A Mall! A Mall! We have got a Mall!”
New mall is built
A new mall is built in Salt Lake
Flim flam named JoeA flim flam named Joe
Mitt lies in the lurchFor answers, Mitt lies in the lurch
His church affiliation
When asked re: his church affiliation,
Mitt claimed once
Mitt claimed once to love all, t'is too true;
Relig-yn called MormThere once was a relig-yn called Morm,
Went to church this SundayI went to church this Sunday
Baptized my dog in the river
I baptized my dog in the river
This kid who turned Mormon
So I knew this kid who turned Mormon
As if smoking good grass
Joseph translated as if smoking good grass
Joseph Smith's favorite limerick
She wasn't dark, she wasn't fair
There was a young boy on a mission
There was a young boy on a mission
Mitt wants the Republican nod
Mitt wants the Republican nod,
Mitt claimed once to love all, t'is true;
Mitt claimed once to love all, t'is true;
When asked re: his church affiliation
When asked re: his church affiliation,
Candidate Romney justifies his means
Candidate Romney justifies his means by the ends
There once was a candidate named Mitt
There once was a candidate named Mitt
For answers, Mitt lies in the lurch
For answers, Mitt lies in the lurch
When Joseph visited Bel Aire
When Joseph visited Bel Aire
There once was a prophet named Gordon
There once was a prophet named Gordon
Polyamy, Old Joe was hopin'
Polyamy, Old Joe was hopin'
Ode to FARMS Geniuses
There once was a marginalized pack of losers whose greatest contribution to mankind was their incidental ability to provide recovering Mormons with entertainment,
Ode to Fanny A
There once was a young girl named Fanny
Ode to Hinckley
He claims that the spirit's a must
Ode on the Mormon Mental State which allowed the Mountain Meadows Massacre (dedicated to Jon Krakauer)
There's nothing like screams in the air
Another Ode to Hinckley
Who knew the vain fool would so blow it
Ode to Richard G. Scott
There once was an a GA named Scott
Ode to Packer
He struts like a Dark Ages papist
Ode to Mark E. Petersen, as told by Elder Petersen himself
"The Mexicans, pygmies, and Jews,
Ode to Mormon Apologetic Tricks
The point of their blust'ry attacks
Mary was a virgin PURE
Some say Mary was a virgin PURE.
Joe liked to pull down the panties
Ol' Joe liked to pull down the panties,
Morm prophet named Brig
There was a Morm prophet named Brig,
Old prophet named Gordon
There is an old prophet named Gordon,
Missionary feeling frustration
As a missionary feeling frustration
A FAIR guy named Dan
There once was a FAIR guy named Dan;
Gordy learned brown nosin'
Gordy learned brown nosin' early,
Saints came a settlin
The saints came a settlin' in Zion,
Brigham's lonely wife #37
Brigham's lonely wife #37 was named Alice,
American Indians once were white?
American Indians once were white?
The age of consent in Nauvoo
The age of consent in Nauvoo
An angel whose name was Moroni
An angel whose name was Moroni
There once was a prophet name Joe
There once was a prophet name Joe
There once was a prophet named Hinckley
There once was a prophet named Hinckley
There once was a prophet of god
There once was a prophet of god
There once was a cult so blinded
There once was a cult so blinded
Thomas Monson thought himself a poet
Thomas Monson thought himself a poet
Godhood exaltation was taught by Lorenzo Snow
Godhood exaltation was taught by Lorenzo Snow.
There once was a prophet named Gordon
There once was a prophet named Gordon
There once was a prophet named Joe
There once was a prophet named Joe,
There once was a prophet named Brigham
There once was a prophet named Brigham,
There once was a prophet named Taylor
There once was a prophet named Taylor,
There once was a prophet named Woody
There once was a prophet named Woody,
There once was a lady named Sherrie
There once was a lady named Sherrie
Brigham's wife named Alice
Brigham's lonely wife #37 was named Alice,
There once was a kid named Joseph
There once was a kid named Joseph,
This is the place
There once was a fellow named Brigham
There once was a prophet and seer
There once was a prophet and seer
Joseph Smith claimed to see with a stone
Joseph Smith claimed to see with a stone.
The marginal Mormon isn't much of a foe
The marginal Mormon isn't much of a foe,
The mean ex-Mormon is all set
The mean ex-Mormon is all set,
The Mormons cause their critics to fret
The Mormons cause their critics to fret,
A critic named Theodore Bow
A critic named Theodore Bow
An ex-Mormon brother named Bruce
An ex-Mormon brother named Bruce,
There once was a cute Utah kid
There once was a cute Utah kid,
There once was a Palmyra liar
There once was a Palmyra liar,
There once was a money-digging gent
There once was a money-digging gent,
There once was a horn-dog named Joe
There once was a horn-dog named Joe,
A scoundrel in an act of ill will
A scoundrel in an act of ill will,
There once was a young girl of God
There once was a young girl of God,
A prophet somewhat indiscreet
A prophet somewhat indiscreet,
Joe Smith was a remarkable groom
Joe Smith was a remarkable groom,
Joe's book is a whopper, by Dickens!
Joe's book is a whopper, by Dickens!
Emma Smith was a fabulous sight
Emma Smith was a fabulous sight,
Ol' Joe hoped to be a great saint
Ol' Joe hoped to be a great saint,
There Once Was A Prohpet Of God
There Once Was A Prohpet Of God
Ole Joe
Joseph Smith was often laid,
There once was a huckster named Joe
There once was a huckster named Joe
There once was a man named Smith
There once was a man named Smith
There was a Nauvoo call girl named Gail
There was a Nauvoo call girl named Gail
A dashing young Mormon from Nantucket
A dashing young Mormon from Nantucket,
A daring young Mormon from Bude,
A daring young Mormon from Bude,
Joe Smith in Nauvoo curses "Aw shoot!"
Joe Smith in Nauvoo curses "Aw shoot!"
There was once a young lady named Nancy
There was once a young lady named Nancy
My family used to be Mo
My family used to be Mo
There once a G.A. named Scott
There once a G.A. named Scott,
There once was a Mormon named Molly
There once was a Mormon named Molly
In Eden, amidst flowers and grass
In Eden, amidst flowers and grass
There once was a tower in Babel
There once was a tower in Babel
We'll be Gods, Brigham said, it's a fact!
We'll be Gods, Brigham said, it's a fact!
There once was a man named Boyd
There once was a man named Boyd
There once was a BYU student
There once was a BYU student
In the temple you learn secret signsIn the temple you learn secret signs,
There once was a horndog named JoeThere once was a horndog named Joe,
As God is man may becomeAs God is man may become,
Apostates are sons of perdition
Apostates are sons of
perdition.
Men are that they might have joy
Men are that they might have joy,
Mo's push young kids quickly to wed
Mo's push young kids quickly to wed,
Don't listen to what prophets have said
Don't listen to what prophets have
said.
The Mos say they know what is true
The Mos say they know what is true,
There was a guy named Boyd Packer
There was a guy named Boyd Packer,
The Mo apostles get well paid
The Mo apostles get well paid,
We've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn
We've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn
A Mormon Named Young
There once was a Mormon named Young,
Desert Goat Herder
A desert goat herder once said
Old Prophet Called GordonThere was a old prophet called Gordon,
Chiasmus in Dr. Seuss
"My hat is old Ok, I wrote this from memory, so it may not be exactly right, but it seems like good ol' chiasmus to me. I guess that means Dr. Seuss' book must have come from ancient manuscripts. Rather humbling, isn't it? ;-)
A Missionary Named Ted
There once was a missionary named Ted
A Huge Oxymoron
The Church Educational System
Young Meat WhackerThere once was a young meat whacker
Heil Packer
The Fourth Reich Conference Center
09/26/2000 - aaahhh 09/26/2000 - Debbie PA
09/26/2000 - Sam 09/26/2000 - Kymba 09/26/2000 - eastern boy 09/26/2000 - Mark K 09/26/2000 - Yossarian 09/26/2000 - Jerry the Aspousestate 09/26/2000 - Beli 09/26/2000 - Steno 09/26/2000 - anon 09/26/2000 - Matt
There was an occultist called Joe 07/25/2000 - anon
A young Deacon named Nat 06/21/2000 - anon
If you want to know who controls your soul
From the depths of the baptismal font tiles
From the depths of the crypt of St Giles An old business fellow named Gordon Said "Larry King, you sure you're recordin'?" God wasn't a man That's not part of the plan Just recruitment, that's all he's rewardin'- 08/13/1999 - Rick Old Joe had a harem of honeys These modern guys got all their moneys They build lots of buildings With carpets and gildings And tell us to breed just like the bunnies - 08/13/1999 - Rick Black people once sat on the fence That's why on this earth they're so dense Oops, that's no longer true Revelation was due Cause there's too many folks took offence - 08/13/1999 - Rick I remember a guy name of Benson Hated "niggers*" and "commies" and then some I pity that world When the plan is unfurled He's a god with his justice dispensin' - 08/13/1999 - Rick (*Latter Day Lampoon is not racist or bigotted,but uses this deragatory word here to emphasis the racist and bigotted attitudes of certain religious leaders.) J. Ruben Clark once stated, and of this fact I'm well rated. General authorities writing books, that draw dirty looks, is only a matter of science... For he said in quiet dignaty, spoke up quite loud, so well that all folks could hear. "These GA's suffer in an effort to write, from a terrible constipation of the brain, but worse suffer incessant diarrhea of the pen..08/13/1999 - anon There once was a prophet of god 08/06/1999 - Shaunteez There once was a prophet named Brigham, |
Joseph Smith, you Earned your reward, tasting the ground - 04/12/2008 - Matt ------------------------------ Send Mormons back to Utah and Arizona. Don’t mess with Texas! ------------------------------ Hey Mormon perverts! Can’t wait to get young brides home? Use the Temple bed! ------------------------------ Joseph Smith’s penchant for many women still haunts. Stupid f*ing cult. ------------------------------ Raping teenage girls is part of your religion? We have a problem. ------------------------------ Sex with a minor - Just following the teachings of some false prophet. ------------------------------ Multiple wives are essential for salvation? Not in my Bible! ------------------------------ Let’s go to the beach. Here. Borrow my bikini. Prairie dresses suck. - 04/12/2008 - by Ziller ------------------------------ Mormon salvation Don’t question authority Pay, pray and obey - 01/30/2007 - by wine country girl ------------------------------ Women going to hell What leads them to such folly? Earrings and teased hair. ------------------------------ Spring day in Zion Legs and arms view the fresh sun Garments sprout out too ------------------------------ Suits bounce a baby Give it a name and blessing Morgbot beginnings ------------------------------ Planetary woes: Pluto now an asteroid Kolob? Just a myth. - 01/27/2007 - by Haiku Anonymous ------------------------------ Born in Covenant Brainwashed and expected to Faithfully obey ------------------------------ Garments and nylons Knee shorts and blouses with sleeves Unpleasant attire ------------------------------ The three-hour block Boredom, headache and sore buns Where's the chocolate? ------------------------------ A Mormon icon Big and happy family Antidepressants - 01/27/2007 - by Some Lady ------------------------------ Starched white shirts, dark ties Hard pews and screaming infants Pass me the Prozac - 01/27/2007 - by javanorm ------------------------------ Mo Apologist Anti-Mo Apologist Annihilation. ------------------------------ Bleak dirge-like music, Treacly dreck drones on and on. Worst: Janice Kapp Perry. ------------------------------ Exmos need some tunes Not from that awful hymn book. Tal, play us a song? - 01/27/2007 - by JellyBeanLady ------------------------------ Pious Mitt Romney Born again on Christian Right Former moderate ------------------------------ Gordon B. Hinckley Media versus members The story changes ------------------------------ The Book of Mormon In the bathroom next to john Good for wiping ass ------------------------------ Adam having been True and faithful in all things Creepy rituals ------------------------------ Apologist's task Start with answer, work backwards Reinforce bias ------------------------------ Ex-Mormon finance No more ten percent tithing You can afford beer ------------------------------ Marriott Hotels Book of Mormon in nightstand Hard-core porn on tube Ex-Mormon haiku Years of damage from the cult Turn shit into art ------------------------------ Young men interviews Guilt over what all guys do Whippin’ the bishop ------------------------------ Life’s little blessings We don’t take them for granted Normal underwear ------------------------------ Soaked on the doorstep Obstinate missionaries Cheryl’s garden hose ------------------------------ Green Jell-O salad With shredded carrots on top Fuck that, I want beer ------------------------------ Sixteen-year-old priest Scratches butt then breaks the bread I do not partake ------------------------------ Temple wedding rites Giving yourself to the church No mention of love ------------------------------ Haiku from Mujun His screen name is Japanese Doesn’t seem to help ------------------------------ Ex-Mormon parties Loud laughter, light-mindedness My kind of people - by Mujun - 01/26/2007 ------------------------------ White robe green apron Secret handshake heaven's pass Temple name Esther ------------------------------ My morning coffee Victoria's Secret bra Cosmopolitans ------------------------------ Bishop's interview Confessing to French kissing Recommend denied ------------------------------ Book of Mormon proofs None have yet been discovered Pay, pray, go by faith ------------------------------ Prophet Joseph Smith Imagined theophany Mythomaniac ------------------------------ I am apostate My testimony riven Tergiversation ------------------------------ Apologetics A rhetoric punditry Winding, torturous ------------------------------ Drunk for the first time Makes his bad jokes seem funny Long Island Iced Tea ------------------------------ Teased hair is evil The Lord says, "Stop using mousse!" Boyd Packer's a nerd ------------------------------ Questions on the shelf Weighted heavily with doubt Fell painfully down - by KimberlyAnn - 01/26/2007 ------------------------------ Mountain meadows good for grazing cattle--Help us! Mormons slit our throats. - by et in Utah ego - 01/26/2007 ------------------------------ Leafless trees from light. Realizing truth is not there. Spirit's freedom now. - by Grape Nephi - 01/26/2007 ------------------------------ Silent voiceless smoke Drifting in and out of Light Now learns how to Breathe - by Crystal Song - 01/27/2007 ------------------------------ Joe Smith, pious fraud? No, just a con man rapist. Makes a good flame war. - by monomania - 01/26/2007 ------------------------------ I found myself, where I was to never look, then I cried for those lost. - by tol - 01/26/2007 ------------------------------ Dark clouds turned to black Oxcart hastily mended the journey begins - by eighthman - 01/26/2007 A little haiku shuffle anyone? ------------------------------ Ex-Mormon haiku Haiku from Mujun His screen name is Japanese ------------------------------ Sixteen-year-old priest Soaked on the doorstep Whippin’ the bishop ------------------------------ Years of damage from the cult No mention of love Cheryl’s garden hose ------------------------------ Young men interviews Giving yourself to the church Loud laughter, light-mindedness ------------------------------ Obstinate missionaries My kind of people Temple wedding rites ------------------------------ Normal underwear Life’s little blessings We don’t take them for granted ------------------------------ Guilt over what all guys do Scratches butt then breaks the bread Turn shit into art ------------------------------ Green Jell-O salad With shredded carrots on top Fuck that, I want beer ------------------------------ Ex-Mormon parties I do not partake Doesn’t seem to help - by anon - 1/26/2007 |
Every time I see that word chiasmus I think we need to call a medic. It sounds nasty. - 03/16/2006 - Nightingale
Post your limerick, chaismus, haiku or comment in this text box.
