Guess When - You Be The Prophet

Compete against Nostradamus, The Psychic Hot Line, Jimmy the Greek and Gordon B Hinckley in predicting the future. Using peep stones, urim and thummims, patriarchal blessings and still small voices is encouraged. As soon as one of these much anticipated events "comes to pass", the winner will be posted and then be
required to start their very own, new, "one and only true and living church".
Please submit your predictions, prophecies and divinations along with any comments by email. Also, submit any other future events that you bosom is burning about and they will be posted so that others can help you predict the future.
05/01/2005 - anon
I predict that the world will end on 25 December 2012, the coming of Christ has
a lot more to do with the revealing of technology than it has to do with religion. Technology will eventually reveal that all mystical religions are based on misconceptions of what God is. The truth that is to be revealed is scientific in nature and is in part already revealed. The resurection has a scientific base. Christ's life and death is the joining of the the dying DNA of Adam with the living DNA of heaven, Christss body being part man, part God ... a joining link. We will soon see that we are like God , created in His image, He shall walk among us and teach as one man to another. Knowledge is basic to salvation. - 05/01/2005 - born again Carl Sagan
10/25/2002 - from pimlicoboy
It will be,and it came to pass, that the prophet and stuff will finish the
translation of the inspired version of the bible and publish it as demanded by
D and C; that he will finish the translation of the book of abraham, and the
whole of the book of joseph and explain why this has not happened before; that
he will explain why he was fooled by the Hofmann forgeries; that he will say
why there are no additions to doctrine and covenants; and explain why section
132 on polygamy is still part of mormon scripture; and why the temple still is
not built in Independece despite D and C prophecies. Am I dreaming? And yet
Mormonoides (their words) still believe this tosh. And yet I fear that this
cult still wants to rule the world.
03/10/2002 - from PT Brigham
When will those who are sustained as Prophets, Seers, and Revelators begin to exercise their gifts? Imagine the chaos if one of the 12 offered a revelation, or acted as a Seer.
It has been said if you don't use the talent, it will soon be taken away.
I fear that it is too late.
06/05/2001 - anon
When will the Corporation of the President pay royalty fees and copyright infringement fines to the American Freemason Society?
According to the prophetic burning within my bosom, I'd have to prophecy that they're going to be asking the AFS for royalties and copyright infringement!
Because, you know, Solomon had it first, and he was LDS!!
05/20/2001 - R.L. McDonald
Still wondering...when the Mormon Church will admit to killing over 100 people in the Mountain Meadows Massacre?
Add to the fact, when they will admit to loosing authority of Joe Smith?
When will the Mormon Church admit that they do not have all the answers?
Admit that they have killed hundreds in blood atonement?
Admit that they aren't what they claim to be?
Admit that they are only interested in financial gain?
Admit that they are racist?
Admit that Baptism for the dead is a farce?
Admit that Temple Work, is for the brain dead?
Admit that they are a corrupted version of the gospel of Jesus Christ?
Admit that the missionary program and temple work is only for financial gain.
Admit that G.B.Hinkley and all the prophets descending from Joseph Smith are frauds. Inclusive of their present day leadership.
Admit that the only reason that they allow publication of LDS administrators is for financial gain.
Admit that they are complete frauds, invalidated by the standards of both the living and the dead.
Submission from Nauvoo Enquirer
05/18/2001 - anon
When will Marie Osmond name her "Mystery Abuser"?
When will Gladys Knight cajole her new husband into a "Temple Marriage"
When will Steve Young, LDS pro football player marry?
After proposing and backing out twice, Young finally married 03/14/2000 in Hawaii to Barbara Graham.
When will CNN pundit, Larry King joint the LDS Church?
When will the first non-Caucasian male be ordained an apostle?
When will Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah become President of the USA?
When will you be able to purchase Sunstone Magazine at Deseret Book?
When will the Smithsonian accept the Book of Mormon as a genuine ancient
indigenous record?
When will the Corporation of the President pay royalty fees and copyright
infringement fines to the American Freemason Society?
When will BYU have a female president?
When will Cleon Skousen stop believing in conspiracies?
When will lady missionaries be called at age nineteen?
When will a President of the LDS Church be called while under usual and
normal retirement age?
When will the constitution of the United States hang by a used piece of dental
floss?
When will Gerald and Sandra Tanner be bestowed an honorary chair at the LDS
History Department?
When will Boyd K Packer and D Michael Quinn kiss and make up?
When will Marie Osmond and Gladys Knight be called to Relief Society General
Presidency?
When will the polygamy question stop haunting the LDS Church?
General Conference Preditions
03/31/2000 by Lurk from recovery bbs
This weekend at the General Conference/Self-agrandisement Mumble Fest,
I predict the church accountant will issue an exact dollar and cents report of income and expenses for the fiscal year. Eh, maybe not.
I predict Gordy and the 12 will come clean and confess that they really are just maintaining the corporation for money and power. Eh, maybe not.
I predict that Gordy will promote a new quad combo scripture edition that lists the original text and the changed text in side-by-side columns, with false prophecies of Joseph Smith highlighted in red. Ehhh......maybe not.
I predict that the GA's will not use the words humble, blessed, glorious or wondrous one time the whole weekend. Eh.......maybe not.
I predict that the GA's will each show up wearing a suit distinctively different in color and style from the others. Uh uh.
I predict that Gordy will follow suit with the leader of the Worldwide Church of God, the Armstrong church, who stood in front of his people and confessed that they had been teaching a false gospel and henceforth would preach the gospel as taught in the New Testament. I predict that Gordy will do the same. Or maybe not.
I predicted many years ago that some day, the temple
endowments would be performed in stake centers. Everyone
thought I was nuts!! But the McTemples are just the
first step in that direction!! I am vindicated!!!!
I really believe it will happen -- money and time will
dictate it. The nextstep will be letting non-members
attend the weddings -- bit by bit, I think all the SECRET
CRAP will disappear.
And here's another step in that direction: The
dedication of the Palmyra temple will be broadcast
through the miracle of closed-circuit television in all
the stake centers -- but one has to have a temple
recommend in order to get in to view the dedication!!!!
Temple recommends to get into the Stake Center? See
what I mean?
Little by little -- just found out THIS
interesting piece of information from my True Believing
Mormon daughter this evening. Who'd uv thunk! What you see before you in
Cyberland is the first PROPHETESS of the Cyber-Day Cranks! (Bowing, bowing
to all of the applause, Thank you very much!!!) :-)
03/25/2000 - Sue
If all the thinking has been done, I guess we don't need to worry any more.
If Boyd K Packer does the thinking, others must do the other stuff too, So we can just
go and finish our life by proxy. 10/20/1999 - bigmac
The LDS church is indeed growing...although not nearly as fast as the
population as a whole...but it is taken the latter course. Fast growth,
but at the cost of far more transitory membership.
You can easily see this in the temple ceremony...church meetings...etc. The
ceremony has certainly been watered down since I first went.. (think of
this...in the 1840's the endowment lasted 12 hours!!), excommunications
don't happen nearly as often...church participation is done by a smaller and
smaller group in the ward..
There are many more divorces...etc.....and an interesting twist that I
learned about is that there are a large number of people from the ward that I
go to that go to another church now...almost unheard of even a few years ago.
I'm sure this is troubling to the older members who were in it when it was a
far more isolative and protected meme.
Will the church reach 200 million someday...perhaps...but not without another
half a billion in growth of the earth population, and not without a large
percentage of them being members on paper only...having little cognition of
the belief system. 10/06/1999 - Tom
Regarding temples "dotting the face of the land." We have all witnessed the great move to the
mainstream which the church has undergone in the last ten years. I suspect
that in ten more you wont be able to tell a mormon from a Presbreterian!
But the temple has always stood out in public as some secretive, spooky
thing. (Which it is.) However, with the addtion of 100 mini Mctemples,
Hinckley can effectively "normalize" their place in american culture. "Oh,
that... its just the local temple...every town has one.!" As people see them
more and more, they will just accept them... like a rotary club, or Moose
Lodge!
Its a part of the mainstreaming of mormon culture. And, with the new Temple
Lite service, with lighter no doubt to come, it just may be that regular old
thinking joes may be more easily duped into entering those sacred doors.
Bow your heads and say "yes." - 10/02/1999 - Gary
When will the True church start telling the Truth? 07/24/1999 - anon
When will Boyd Packer grow up? 07/24/1999 - anon
07/08/1999 - DHedley
I believe there are two possible futures. The most likely is that church
expansion will simply stall. The Hinckster, a master communicator whose
messages have have been central to public perceptions both inside and
outside the church, can't live forever. Hinckley has tapped into a
number of attractive social and political themes to push forward church
growth these last few decades. His momentum took advantage of the
respectability that came with having a minister of agriculture as the
prophet, Ezra Benson. With Hinckley's eventual death, and as societies
evolve, the concept of finding personal peace through corporate
conformity and collective obedience to a higher authority, will simply
lose its mass appeal. Mormonism has had its heyday. Some commentators
have said that if this century was characterized by the 'search of outer
space,' the next century will be a time where people 'search their inner
space.' Mormonism doesn't have much to offer folks who believe that the
search for God is a personal quest -- and if the so-called 'breakdown'
of society proves anything, it's that broad solutions don't work any
more.
My second scenario is that the church doctrine will become so watered
down, Mormonism will become more of a lifestyle movement than a church
patterned after Christ. The myths of Joseph Smith's restoration are so
far removed from mainstream Christian thought, that Mormon theology will
never be widely embraced in a Jewish-Christian society. But there's a
strong business imperative among church leadership -- growth in
membership is seen as essential. I believe the church's emphasis will
shift away from its troubling historic roots. Despite all the
advertising to the contrary, the real driver of Mormon life is not a
relationship with Christ, it's being able to say yes to the questions in
the temple recommend interview. The exclusive, supposedly empowering
experience of attending the temple will define Mormon life well into the
future. Look at how many temples are under consruction today.
The church faces some tough battles ahead, battles beyond its ability to
control: free speech, continuing embarrassment in court, media scrutiny,
broadening intellectual exposure, shifting public tastes. 25 years from
now, I predict the Mormon church will be regarded as a controlling,
grotty, strange little organization -- the way it was perceived in the
1940s and 50s.
04/26/1999 - Kim
I was walking along out in Adams homeland (the place
now know as Missouri) and I happened to stumble (quite literally) a box protruding
from the earth. We have been blessed with some wholesome precipitation witch
brought forth this marvelous relic. It is the Platinum plates of Previous Precious
Profits. The inscriptions upon the plates were never before seen to me.
Being one of little knowledge, I traveled to a place of great wealth and knowledge
(Namely Walmart) and procured an sacred object to aid in my translation of said
plates. The object was round, yellow, and had a long string attached to it.
It was revealed to me that this object is the Mithum (even though it is known
to modern heretics as a Yo yo). However, to truly translate the plates with
accuracy, a Rumum needed to be obtained. The wonderful spirit of enlightenment
lead me to the nurishment section, wherein I was prompted to procure a rectangular
box with an angel wearing clothes unlike any I have ever worn on the front.
Inside this wonderful container of nutrients, I came upon the blessed Rumum.
This Rumum was like unto what the unblessed would term a "Secret Decoder Ring"
Having been blessed with these precious relics, I did, therefore commense to
translate these plates. It was revealed to me that the inscriptions on these
precious plates were of Reformed Pig-Latin. Working diligently throughout the
nights and days following the discovery of the said plates, I translated the
first portion. Unfortunately, I allowed my former aid to take the translations
completed out of my study. They were then lost. Because of this carelessness,
it has been deemed that we are not prepared for the information in that portion.
(So as no one can try to use the information to doubt my word)
It has been revealed to me that Adam was not a true person at all. He was in
fact what we now have decided to name a T-Rex. He did in fact have multiple
wives (who in turn have multiple husbands) and often engaged in such practices
that are similar to those now in practice at the white house with Interns.
I have also found that William Jefferson Clinton has also been inspired of the
same information.
According to the plates only those who practice all forms of fornication, drink
all types of alcoholic beverages, and smoke (at least once) some form of tobacco
can be saved. Salvation also requires monetary commitment (9% of your income).
However, with your down payment on salvation (a low one time $24.99), you can
recieve a free set of Ginsu steak knives--also part of the holy relic.
It has also been revealed to me that the second coming will occur at the true
Garden of Eden which is now known as glorious and wealthy Manhattan.
Blessed be...
Translations of the Precious Platinum Plates of Previous Profits can be obtained
through any followers of the one True Church, The Church of Much Money
Latter-Day Lampoon material is mostly public domain. Check out
rights and use information.