George Carlin Meets The Mormons

Brother Carlin made these comments to Desperate News reporters
after enjoying a VIP tour of Temple Square, The Conference Center
and the Church Office Building where he was "entertained privately"
by Gordon B Wrinkley. (adapted from Carlin's take on God)

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a General Authority. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, the Mormons. No contest. No contest. The Mormons. The Mormons easily have the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Mormonism has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! The Church Formerly Known As Mormon takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I did everything including wandering out back to the South forty, finding a secluded grove of trees, prostrating myself and praying my ass off. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is really messed up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, The 2002 Olympic Winter Games, professional wrestling and Mormons baptizing dead Jews. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever mess things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire or cursing them with dark skin simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no tithing settlement, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to make it with that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Plan of Exaltation?

Remember that? The Plan of Exaltation. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Plan of Exaltation has been doing just fine until the Osmonds cut an albumn called "The Plan". Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a sincere heart and real intent of a prayer can come along and mess up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the hell bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci and not Joe Smith. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't mess around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that mut out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Stake Patriarch who tells you your fortune by squeezing your head, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Book of Mormon for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs or the Three Little Witnesses, those are a good ones. Have nice happy endings, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way.

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg and my bosom feels like a nuclear reactor meltdown. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

I looked this article/speech up online--I think maybe it's not clear to everyone that George Carlin was not actually talking about Mormonism (though it fits very well into his essay), but about religion in general. It's a misattribution to put his name on your take of his speech. I think it's a funny post, and on point, but people need to realize it's a parody, and while George Carlin did make most of the comments, any part mentioning the Mormon church is a parody and not his actual words. Otherwise, very funny and insightful. - 02/28/2007 - SkyChild

Gentile-men and ladles,

We're sorry, but we do not believe in the existence of George Carlin. We DO need an active campaign to spay and neuter Mormons. Biblegod and HIS penile hysteria is already packed, end to end, with ripped-off folk-tales which are being shot down, every day, by biology and archaeology. Joe Smith was a con-artist with minimal literacy and a vivid imagination. RE: The whole argument, just let me say:

1.) Scientology and Mormonism both prove that, ever how great the heights we humans may scale, we still have a few depths to plumb. One thing about it: Scientology is actually STUPIDER than Mormonism: L. Ron Hitler truly WAS a genius!

2.) Thank the Gods, I'm a Pagan!

3.) Why do evil infidels spell so well, yet "college students" blubber out barely legible folderal by way of "Heavinley Witnisss?" - 04/22/2006 - Terrible Tommy Murray

I loved his book, "Where's the pork chops."

Most of his material could be applied to Mormonism in a general sense.

As a matter of fact I read his book at christmas (kind of appropriate for me) and it ""inspired"" me to write a bunch of atheist haikus, kind of as a tribute to the great Carlin mind. Unfortunately I didn't do him justice.

Here's a sampling of a few of them: (remember haikus are done in 5/7/5)

Thinking for yourself
is scary, that's why they have
a prophet do it.

The core issue is
Joseph Smith versus science
science wins again.

God was invented
so people could be controlled.
details came later.

important details
aren't relevant when there's faith,
faith equals knowing.

I searched for something
and finally understood
it was me I sought.

I searched for someone
to believe in until I
believed in myself.

I searched for something
to believe in until I
accepted myself.

I wanted to know
secrets of the universe,
the joke was on me.

I searched for something
to cling to and give me peace,
I only got lies.

Where's the good in it?
Hidden mingled in deceit
and lost in tithe slips.

Is there good in it?
that can't be gotten elsewhere?
and at lesser costs?

Is there good in it?
mixed within the fear and shame?
- shame never was love.

I didn't need Joe
to provide my life with good.
Just some common sense.

In the end it all
has nothing to do with God.
just some common sense. - 03/27/2006 - by Phoenix Rising

Well spoken George. I've said that stuff a thousand times. Almost in the same order without reading yours. Joseph Smith weaved a fantasy tale as Tolkien did. Lose all historical records of the world, let generations forget the past, throw a copy of The Lord of the Rings in the mix and boom, people will follow the adventures of Frodo and Gandalf.

The moment folks stop working for some bullshit afterlife - thats when they will start to enjoy their time while they have it. And thats it. Thats the end of you. Deal with it. - 10/27/2006 - Blueba

Just awsome. Thank You George Carlin. - 03/24/2006 - from Ryan Casarez

I actually knew a guy who worked fast food (a mere hamburger flipper) who was a top grad student at the Physics dept! Never be too sure of your similies, metaphores, comparisons or analogies. - 12/22/2005 - He he he

If George Carlin is ment to be a writer then he needs to go back to school, so he can learn how to write, I was trying to find out information about LDS General Authorities and unfortunatly clicked on this site.

How sad is it when peopel are so rude and have no respect for other people, I thought Americans were all about respecting each other, I am sure when you were in teh presence of President Gordon B. Hinckley he was never rude to you, I am sure he respected you and your views.

All I can do is pray for people like you. 12/22/2005 - Yours Jaime Scott

There are Mormons in Spanish Fork, UT that believe that the Mormon god runs an intergalactic telephone company so that the dead mormons (each sent to seculsion on a separate planet) can still talk to each other. The best part? The phone service is free! But wait, there's more... Now includes free internet!!! (So dead mormons can send e-mail, you know.)

No free spaceship, though. Bummer.

George Carlin is awesome! - 07/10/2005 - anon

Mormonism is an extremely controlling cult that is sexist against women and discrimitory (below the surface) against dark skinned people. Joseph Smith was an idiot who delved into the demonic depths of Masonry and died as a result of his own idiocy. The fact that 14 million people can follow the LDS faith is proof that mankind has advanced not far from the cave. - 03/25/2005 - anon

I've got very distant cousins by marriage that occurred back in 1917. I met them in 2002 and attempted to see their beliefs from their perspective without "gentile" prejudice. Yet the deeper I probed the more shocked and reviled I became with this CULT. Joe Smith was no more than a 19th Century Jim Jones, running a Masonic/Quasi Religion. It goes to prove if you mindwash folks from the get-go some would worship The Great Pumpkin. It's like Josef Goebbels Big Lie; The most outrageous lie told often enough will soon be believed. And to Christians who believe these are fellow Christians, think again, as they believe Man becomes a God. So in fact they are Polythesiastic, which is actually anti-Christian. - 03/23/2005 - anon

Carlin is a very smart and wise fellow, and his humor is outstanding. A person has to be very stupid or uneducated about the history of religions, to believe in the existence of a superman in the sky, or to give credence to any religion. - 03/09/2005 - from henstep3103

I am an atheist after years of trying the faith thing and rationalizing reality to fit the christian model of insanity.G carlin has the brains,sincerity and guts to see life as it is.Yes reality sucks but if more people were non/believers, we might have a decent shot at making the most of our short human life and truly helping others. - 02/13/2005 - from chris nicewarner

I have to work with a fundamentalist at my job. The guy believes that the world is only about 6000 years old, that the earth was created in seven days, and that I am going to hell not because I did anything wrong but because i do not believe in his stupid CULT. At least Mr Carlin has the guts tell it the way it is with these nuts. I am printing this out and posting it in my workstation. - 12/17/2004 - Alex

I love George Carlin. I wrote an entire essay on the Mormon god. The LDS deity isn't even a supreme being, but a progreated superman. See my essay at mormongod.htm. - 11/04/2004 - by Bill Kempton

03/25/2004 - anon

"I think that my primary problem with christianity is that it didn’t seem to me that God was doing His fair share. I tried many times to say "God, if you’re there, then show me.” Christians said that if you tried sincerely to ask Him to come into your life, He would. Well, He didn’t seem to. It seemed that there were two possibilities. Either Christians were wrong, or I wasn’t sincere enough. Not being sincere enough seemed to me a significant possibility. I might very well be too depraved to be sufficiently sincere. Jesus is quoted in the Bible as saying something to the effect that the wicked would always ask for a sign, but they would receive none. But this seemed to be a “Catch-22" situation. How could I ever be truly sincere if He won’t show Himself, but He won’t show Himself until I am sincere?

Christianity seemed like a game, where God made the rules to where you can’t win and if you lose you go to hell. Not only that, but Satan is allowed to break the rules. He is allowed to do anything, even appear saintly if need be, but if you are deceived, then it is your fault. Ding. Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00."

Quotes from his story found at: www.caseagainstfaith.com

Also check-out Atheist Radio Online at: www.atheistnetwork.com be sure to click on "Listen" on the menu.

03/23/2004 - from KJN

The truth hits some people particularly hard. George is a funny man. He chose what seems to be an easy target. Fortunately, George still has time and is being granted breath by the ONE who created him. Unfortunately, this time George will NOT have the last laugh. I hope he comes around while he is still on the earth.

01/28/2004 - from ivanmack83@yahoo.com
Such a weak story! Try again as the Lord works move forward. Who taught you you language, I thought that foul language was for young junior high boys trying to find their identity. - Ivan Mack

03/29/2003 - anon
Carlin rocks. I like him a lot. I don't recall Jesus having any disciples that were stand-up comedians? He had a tax collector, physicians, fishermen, and a few prostitutes cicling the camp. So I'm guessing he would have enjoyed having George as a desciple. That's why i really think George Calin needs Jesus -- they'd have an ass-kickin' friendship.

12/14/2001 ericrahn@onebox.com(I dare you)
If your going to compare Carlin's take on Christianity to "Mormonism", at least get your doctrine straight. All that crap about "fire and smoke and burning and torture, etc." may be most of Christianity's view of damnation, but you're way off by lumping so-called "Mormonism" in that category. Your hateful jokes might be funnier if you actually knew your subject. Why is it always dumbasses like you that claim to be experts on the Church? Do the rest of your readers know you inserted your own words into Carlin's rant? Some of them appear stupid enough to believe that these are Carlin's words verbatim. Would Carlin approve? Don't be too quick to think he would. However, Fred's comments about women were dead solid CORRECT!

11/11/2001 - from newcomb_matthew@hotmail.com
My name is Matt and I am a college student who is really tired of these god damn religious fanatics trying to hand out bibles on our campus and asking us: "Is Jesus in your life? Can I come over to your house and ask what he has planned for you?" I'm thinking: "Get the fuck out of my way! I got class to go to! By the way, I'm a Buddhist, but I am not going to go around and try to sell people into my beliefs, so don't try to sell me into yours"

If I wanted to sound deranged, I'm sure I could have said: "Sorry I just don't have any time to talk about Jesus. I'll be too busy worshipping Satan this weekend. Have you ever read the book of Satan?" It would be interesting to see their reaction:)

It's interesting that religious people and conservatives want to cover kids' ears from Carlin thinking he's a 'sinner', while these same religious fanatics like Pat Robertson for example, bullshit innocent people into following their belief system. "Do you belive in God young man?" "Sure I believe in your religion....as long as I don't have to get my checkbook out to show my faith!"

Carlin is the best! I wish more people were like Carlin, and he really has done a lot for my thinking, and awareness of the bullshit in our world. To Carlin, I salute you!

10/27/2001 - Pat M
Carlin nails it...... maybe there are some who would rather listen to the breathurine blather on -like that makes any sense!

06/20/2000 - Makurosu
Things are definitely screwed up when a comedian makes more sense than the founder of an 11 million member world religion. When I was a teenager, my parents caught me listening to a George Carlin album, so they took it away and had me read Teachings of Joseph Smith instead. After all, Joseph Smith was much more wholesome than Carlin, right? BTW, I was rolling after reading Denise's comments

06/20/2000 - Denise
I am confident that Mr. Carlin will be fully able to verify the existance or non-existance of God in just a few short years. I think he'll feel foolish and more than a little regretful. 06/06/2000 - anon
I love George Carlin!

3/29/2000 -Fred
For most of my adult life I have worked for women; you can't tell me a woman couldn't screw things up, so God must be an incompitent man. Given a little power and a little money, women are just as fallable and prone to abuse as men. I think comparing God to humans is the first big mistake in organized religion.

03/15/2000 - Mike
After reading the first two lines and &%^#% and %$&#^% I clicked out... it was too offensive and had as much merit as a hamburger flipper commenting on Quantum Mechanics.