I am a child of God - Parody Lyrics

Please add your own parody lyrics to those already posted. This classic LDS tune is begging for a re-write.

I am a child of Brigham Young
One of a score or two
My dad-dy goes out wife shopping
When feeling kind of blue

Third ward, fourth ward
Even fifth ward
Peggy Sue will do She's about my sister's age
So shiny young and new

I am a child of Joe
But Mormons forget me
'Cause mommy was fourteen years old
When she conceived me

Heed me, hear me, listen to me
Daddy's not so nice
He said he loved me but how could he
He's only met me twice

I am a child of Bob
And he has smote my rear
Has given me a bruise or two
And caused my sight to smear

Beat me, chide me, then deride
Tell me I'm no good
Teach me that your God is true
Although misunderstood

I am a child of Kolob,
Yet I needed to be born here,
To get my keywords and signs
To pass sentinels oh so near.

I am a child of Elohim,
And so my knees will shake;
Help me understand his tokens
Before those covenants I make.

I am a child of Adam,
My spirit's body's grand pappy;
If I but yearn to grow his seed
My future coif will never be nappy.

Bleed me, lie to me, talk down to me,
Force me think your way.
Teach me the world's doomed
And help me not be gay.

I am a com-plete fraud
No neeeed to masturbate
I line up wives like bowling pins
And then we cop-u-late….

Charge me, try me – rectify me
Please don’t make me wait
Marry me – your daughter too
Fourteen is not jailbait…

Hold fast to the iron rod
Your wife - she knows the drill
A rock-star life a prophet leads
And tithing pays the bills…

Sue me, do me – see right through me
Let’s rewrite the facts
Sheep heard better in a group
Unless they’re gay or black…

A microphone to god
Nonsensical Sanskrit
Freemasonry, a bible new
A hypnotic crock of s__t…

Buy it, try it – justify it
Your planet waits for you
Just don’t question what I say
For now your cave will do…

I am a child of evolution - 07/17/2004 - from baura

I am a child of evolution
Natural selection has placed me here
Has given me adaptions so that
I'll survive it's clear

Flesh me bone me chromosome me
Help me reproduce
So that I might rise above
The pri-mor-di-al juice.

They say that Joe was it - 07/17/2004 - by justmythoughts

They say that Joe was it
A prophet with a rock
He said he saw the God and Son
Next thing he had a flock

[chorus] Lying, cheating, womanizing
That was all his game
He’d take them young and take them old
But never took the blame

One night he took a walk
To the hill Cummorah old
He said an angel came to him
With plates made out of gold

[chorus]

With rock in hat he sat
With those who were his scribes
Divided by a table cloth
He said he’d change their lives

[chorus]

For secrets did abound
Translations were a joke
And held real tight among the few
Referred to as his folk

[chorus]

He loved the gals so much
He could not stay away
His wanderin’ eyes, twinkled bright
He bedded all he laid

[chorus]

To cover up his tracks
A revelation due
He had to think while on his feet
To bed his female crew

[chorus]

He said God spoke to him
And gave him every girl
For each his own eternity
Became celestial rule

[chorus]

The chosen members heard
Caught all his dirty deeds
Once faithful now, they left him there
And voided Mormon creed

[chorus]

This did not slow him down
The young ones of his flock
Were fresh and firm and yet to pick
Would not be ones to mock

[chorus]

For fools are born each day
And fell for Josephs lies
The town folk though, did not approve
And jailed him where he died
[chorus]

The moral of this story
Shows all that live today
Take care as not to follow man
Who’ll lead you all a stray

Its best to use your minds
And shed the cultish days
Next time the Mormons ring your bell
Just tell them, no damn way!

[chorus]

I am a child of Sod - 07/17/2004 - from Jack Meoff

I am child of Sod,
so I wear no underwear,
He given me an earthly bone,
to play with kind and dear.

Help me Marnie, come lets party,
lets masturbate away. show me all
thats under there,
and let me lead the way.

I Am a Childish - 07/12/2004 - by Steve Benson

I am a childish troll,
And God has sent me here,
Has given me a place to fight,
Against my inward fears.

Feed me, guide me, I'll confide, Me
Thinks I act this way,
'Cause deep inside I really need
To keep my doubts at bay.

Second Verse - 07/12/2004 - activejackmormon

I am a childish troll,
and so my needs are great,
If I make Steve Benson look bad,
my doubts would just abate,

bide him, chide him, then deride him,
show Steve's evil side,
if I can get one zinger in,
I'll fill myself with pride.

Third verse, same as the first, a little bit better and a little bit worse - 07/12/2004 - Steve Benson

Every time I go to town,
The trolls start kicking my butt around,
It makes no difference if Joe Smith's a clown,
You gotta stop kicking my butt around.

Silence! I Am a Child of God . . . - 07/12/2004 - Troll

I am a child of God,
And He says you must hear,
The Mormon Church is the True Way,
Gays, blacks and women fear!

Heed Me, pay Me, bow before Me,
Turn off all your minds,
Do just what the prophet says,
In other words,
Be blind.

I am a needy child - 07/12/2004 - Winston

I am a needy child
of doubt I am afraid
help me to feel like I’m secure
while leading me astray

lies, deception, distortion of perception,
helps me doublethink.
I can live life comfortably
when I throw truth down the sink.

I am a childish troll - 07/12/2004 - activejackmormon #2

I am a childish troll,
my doubts, they are sincere,
if I bash homos long enough,
perhaps I won't be queer,

kane me, bane me, calculate me,
make them go away,
take away the silent fears,
that deep inside I'm gay,

I am a child of FARMS - self righteous jingles - 07/12/2004 - cricket

I am a child of FARMS
Dan Peterson sent me here
to attack all of you apostates
with my huge ad hominem spear

I am a child of Nibley
and so my deeds are great
Help me to understand his words
and Fawn Brody to berate.

I am a child of FAIR
Brown nosing GA's is a chore
Writing like Maxwell's a thrill
Even though he's such a bore.

Bleed me, chide me, walk behind me
Help me define your way
Pass me one more Mountain Dew
As I vanquish all of you today.

I see stupid people. They don't even KNOW they're stupid! - 07/12/2004 - brian-the-christ

Whenever I read the posts of a troll,
Or glance at the temple high.
Whenever I feel the truth of the crutch,
Or I trip on an ill-concealed lie.

Whenever they wash and oil my loins,
Or dunk me on oxens faux,
It's then that I'm grateful I'm out of the Morg,
All those damned years they really did blow!

I am a child of fraud 07/12/2004 - soothseeker

I am a child of fraud.
My parents live in fear.
They made me read a worthless tome.
Adherents, blind, are here.

Feed me. Hide the
truth behind me.
Make me be a slave.
Don't let me think on my own
'Cause I might misbehave.

We are LIVING like the cup is half full.... The song: I am a child of fraud" is a good one... sounds like what I went through lol - 10/12/2013 - Alea

This is a beautiful song wether you are latter day saint or not, what trollop you talk. Try seeing things as your cup half full instead of your cup half empty. - 03/17/2013 - A true child of God

This is a crap song, anyway, and should be hung out to dry, "true child of God." If I were you, I'd piss off and go hang about on LDS.org. - 03/19/2013 - cludgie