Best Testimony Contest

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Stoke up those burning bosoms and put that "beyond a shadow of a doubt" testimony into 100 words or less. You could win one way tickets for two to Independence, MO for ring side seats to the Second Coming. Just type in that testimony below, press submit and your testimony, if strong enough, might be posted here in order to strengthen those weaker souls.

Little preston bearing his testimony.
Fast and Testimony Meeting Song

How does one distinguish between a "Powerful" Testimony and a garden variety, regular Testimony?

11/19/2014 - by Beyondashadow and others from Recovery from Mormonism

And by the same token what is the difference between a "Solemn" Witness and a regular witness?

I think there should be Molympics with judges holding up cards with 0-10 scoring on Testimony Power.

Or we could make the judging Hi-Tech with tear sensors on the judges. Most tears wins.

Plus thermocouples (produces a voltage when the temperature of one of the spots differs from the reference temperature at other parts of the circuit) on bosoms to check burn temperature.

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Did you experience a Morgasm? If so, it was a powerful testimony. - byuboner

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Here are the 3 metrics of testimony power:

- the amount of tears shed

- how high of a pitch the voice reached

- the number of tissues used

Bonus points can be awarded for superfluous words (even) - grubbyger

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Also, gazing skyward always helps. Raising the hands and gesturing would really nail it, but that's much too dramatic for standard Mormons. - rationalist01

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Mormons are the only people I know who attribute power to bullshit. - donbagley

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It only counts as Powerful if you can make the other person tear up. A Solemn witness can only be given by someone in higher authority who is also wearing a suit and tie. - Elder What's-his-face

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By who cries the most, DUH. - cultivate

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Maybe some New Order Mormon can bring cards marked with 1 to 10 to their next Fast and Testimony meeting. Then they can hold up a card after each testiphony to score it, just like an Olympic judge. - Book of Mordor

Types of Testimonies

01/15/2011 - by nolongerin and others from Recovery from Mormonism

Brainwashamonies: Testimonies whispered by parents into their children's ears at the pulpit

Gratimonies: Longwinded testimonies that begin, "I'd like to express my gratitude to..."

Putdownamonies: Testimonies that backhandedly put down others. "When I see people, with their new cars or expensive clothes I am so grateful for he church and its standards..."

Apologimonies: Testimonies that include, "I'm so sorry to anyone I may have offended"

Theramonies: Testimonies where people treat fast and testimony meeting as group therapy to spew their troubles and feelings.

Status-o-monies: Testimonies that testify of financial or social status. "When I was standing on the Eiffel Tower in Paris I was so over come with the spirit . . . " "When I had lunch with the President I saw how anxious he was and I was so grateful I had the gospel in my life to guide me . . ."

Bragamonies: Much like status-o-monies, but limited to family events. "When my child won the straight A award last term I was reminded of the prophet's counsel to seek learning and . . . "

Identicrisimonies: Given by people who obviously have no identity without "the church." "I don't know where I would be without the Gospel".

Who-you-talkin'to-imonies: Those who end their testimony "In the name of THY son, Jesus Christ". (Damn, if we'd known you were talking to God the entire time, we wouldn't have wasted our time listening.)

Vacationmonies, Travelmonies: A detailed log of everywhere the person giving the testimony went on vacation.

Sobomonies, Bawlomonies: Tearful testimonies.

Pausamonies: Testimonies with long periods of silence.

Accentimonies: Testimonies intentionally given with a southern accent, to sound like the Christian far right.

Spousamonies: Testimonies about a person's spouse. "I am so thankful for my (husband, wife, eternal companion) because without (him, her) I would have no life." (I have been stripped of all sense of self worth and am a shell of a human being, but I have my spouse, my "rock".)

Child-a-monies: Where all the children, in turn, bare the same 30 second testimony, with the same sing-song voice: "I want to bear my testimony, I know this church is twuooo...I know Joseph Smith is a profit..." Etc.

Asskissomonies: "I love this bishop so much!" "We have the best relief society president!" "The primary president gives the best head!" etc.

Politimonies: "I didn't like Proposition 8, but I now know that it was the spirit of SATAN which was controlling me. I'm telling all my neighbors to vote for it now (tearfully)."

Remissimonies: Testimonies that begin or end, "I would be remiss if I didn't stand up today and.."

Predictamonies: The same testimony, given by the same person, every month.

Promisomonies: Testomonies that begin five minutes after sacrament meeting should have ended, and the opening line is, "I promise to keep this short.." but the testimony goes on for ten more minutes.

Emotimonies: Testimonies based solely on raw emotion, usually given by young women who have intentionally been kept awake all night with loud laughter, light mindedness, and lots of candy, so that their leaders can boast of "what a spiritual testimony meeting we had the last morning of girls' camp."

Festimony: Testimony born at Festivus

Disgustamonies: Usually a bi-product of emotiomonies wherein an over abundance of mucus in the nasal cavities and excessive sniffing results in nauseating, over amplified snot displacement. Yuck!

Redemptimonies: Given to unburden oneself of needless guilt and bind one's mind and emotions to the church, through which is the only way redemption comes. Mormons think that they are forgiven after giving public displays of repentance.

Shitomonies: Used to unburden oneself of all the crap the church has been feeding you. In this kind of testimony, one can lightheartedly complain of faulty doctrine and guilt and other such crap from the church, but usually has to end with something along the lines of, "I just know that I need to be more faithful."

Spoon-fed Since Birth

11/28/2010 - by wine country girl

"Brothers and sisters, I have a testimony that the lies I've been spoon-fed since birth and the lies that have followed in order to correct the previous lies are true."

A Few of the Testimonies

03/19/2007 - by spaff.com Tune: "My Favorite Things" from Rodgers and Hammerstein's The Sound of Music

Brother Johansen says God fixed his prostate
Sister Hill wails that her son's gone apostate
Missy Brown details her trip to Belize
These are a few of the testimonies

Brother Stone calls his ex-wife to repentance
Sister Dean can't form a blubber-free sentence
Ammon Smith's grateful the Jazz beat the Kings
These are a few of the Fast Meeting things

There's unchaste movies at Wal-Mart in Layton
Hillary Clinton's a minion of Satan
God loves you just a bit less if you're gay
These are some nuggets I've picked up today

When this low-key
Karaoke
Shows how odd we are
I simply remember I'm not Warren Jeffs
And then I don't feel bizarre

Madison cries that her mom flushed her turtle
Then she announces her daddy's infertile
Tyler loves Jesus and recess and peas
These are a few of the testimonies

Elder Jones gripes that less-actives frustrate 'im
Nine CTR's thank the same things verbatim
Brother McPhie knows Rush Limbaugh is true
And The Da Vinci Code may well be too

Sister Cabell says the United Nations
Must be the beast from the book Revelations
Folks squirm through dubious doctrine and then
Everyone drowsily mumbles "Amen"

When euphor-ya
Starts to bore ya
Here's the thing that's sweet:
Each talk brings us nearer Hymn 152
And then we go home to eat!

Flaming Chicken Testimony

03/11/2007 - by Fence Sitter

About 3 years ago my wife and felt the burning to go back to church, so we went to sacrament meeting. Just happened to be fast and testimony meeting. Prior to going, we agreed that we would maintain a non biased, opened minded attitude, and prayed for a "positive testimony building experience".

Yup...

So testimony meeting started with the traditional flurry of kids running to the "upper deck". And it quickly went a little haywire from there. First off a very nice gentleman commandeered the portable microphone from the deacon and promptly started singing a song that was revealed to him in a dream. (Strange...but we could deal). Next- a very sincere and seemingly nice lady started her testimony off with a story that went something like this;

A team of scientists land on a freshly cooled lava field in (insert country of choice), when one of the scientists (who I believe just happened to be an apostle, kickes a little mound of lava/dirt/burnt something...and to his amazement a bunch of little freshly hatched chickens comes scurrying out from underneath the burnt something. Apparently the mother hen sheltered her eggs from the lava flow and they hatched after the lava had cooled down. This was then tied to the gospel and how it shelters us from something...I was trying not to laugh and I put my hands over my face and attempted to contain my laughing.

A week or so later, my wife went to the homemaking meeting and the same lady handed out little fuzzy toy chickens to remind the sisters of the sacrifice of the mother hen.

President Hinckley is dead!

03/11/2007 - by Chris

I spent a few months in a small town in Argentina, and the branch president had a very cute and unusual 4-year-old daughter. One sunday he and his family were the speakers, and his wife was guiding the little girl through her talk. She wasn't being entirely cooperative, and then suddenly she blurted out, "Presidente Hinckley esta muerto!" (President Hinckley is dead!)

Kids say the darndest things!

Un-testimony by anti-depressant

- 01/16/2007 -by depressants

When I first became a Mormon, I asked God for an indication that the church was true. At that time I felt a tingling in my brain, which I thought God indicating to me that the Mormon Church was true.

After eight months in the Mormon Church my doctor increased the dosage of my medication, and I realized that the burning in my bossom was not from God, it was a side effect of the anti-depressant I was taking. Now I know that the church is a bunch of bullfark.

My hair literally stood on end at church

by bnaur - 01/15/2007

I thought for a long time that when my hair literally stood on end at church that it was witness to the truthfulness of the gospel. To be clear, I have had people sitting next to me see my hair stand on end and it is very physically noticeable. This would occur every Sunday at church. I became suspicious when later in life I continued to feel it when it should not have occurred. Some examples:

1) The strongest this occurred was when a Jehovah Witness bore his testimony to me. I knew his religion was wrong, so by what deception did I feel the "electrical" energy that caused my hair to literally stand on end?

2) I visited my sister in laws non-denominational church and that was the second most powerful time it occurred. Again, they were great people but not a religion I believed in.

3) The third most powerful was a Budweiser beer commercial, no kidding. Watching a beer commercial on TV... now finally I found something I could really believe in!! But I am serious even though its funny to me now.

In the end I realized that these are all emotional responses and the body reacts electrically to our emotional acceptance. It does not make it true but it is very deceptive and why the church missionaries are instructed to use "prayer" to convert instead of logic and reasoning. Its a matter of human emotion which has the capacity to betray logic and reason every time. Of course it works to keep members faithful within the ranks as well despite the many hints that logic and common sense has left the room. If someone is recognized for being too logical... like Grant Palmer, Thomas Murphy, etc. then they use the other method to keep members faithful... banishment and humiliation (court of loving punishment).

Cryamony

by Wizzleteats - 01/15/2007

Here's a funny one I saw at a Fast and Testimony Meeting a while ago.

A young boy, about eight, walks up to the podium nonchalantly during a woman's 'cryamony', grabs a tissue from the tissue box, and proceeds to (loudly) blow his nose during the woman's testamony.

I about fell out of the pew!

I want to bear my testimony of "Hop on Pop"

by thatsmeinthecorner - 01/14/2007

Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss. I was troubled and so I picked up the book "Hop on Pop" by Dr. Seuss. As I was reading, I gained a testimony of the truthfulness of this book. I felt the spirit as I read "Day, Play, We play all day". I thought, yes playing all day is good. When I read "Night, Fight, We fight all night" I felt the spirit bear witness that fighting is wrong. Fighting all night never was happiness.

On page 58 when it says "Father, Mother, Sister, Brother" it made me realize how special and important families are. On the next page when it says "That one is my other brother" I knew that we must love our "other brothers" no matter what they have done. Yes, we must love and forgive them.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if you read and pray about this book you too will gain a testimony. Pray to see if this book is not true. I guarantee that you will receive a witness of the truthfullness of this book. Please read it and post your spiritual insights into this great and marvelous book - a mighty work and a wonder.

Most outrageous thing said during fast and testimony meeting

by Alane - 01/02/2007

One mother said (about protecting her children) that she smelled their underwear after a date.

All my previous wives were lying when they said I abused them

by Southern Man - 01/02/2007

We had a nutty guy in my ward who got married four times in one year (he'd been married at least once before, years earlier). He kept meeting lonely women on LDS chat boards, and would marry them within a few weeks of their first contact. They'd leave him almost as quickly. One left the day after the wedding. Made us all wonder what he whipped out on their first and only night together.

Anyway, when he married the fourth wife (a Utahn--she'd been married eight times previously), he thought he should clear up certain rumors that were floating around, so at F & T meeting, he got up and went on for twenty minutes about what a lying pack of hags all the previous wives had been, and that he had at last found true love this time.

Everybody was horribly embarassed, and wondered why the bishop didn't stop this ridiculous show, but it went on and on.

The marriage lasted two months before she called the police to him for threatening her. She went back to Utah. He later went to jail for mailing flour to a local public official with a letter telling him it was anthrax.

Sometimes I almost wish he would get married again and thus "bear his testimony" (although I would never wish this psycho on any woman). Looking back, his "testimony" was more interesting than what we usually get these days. At least it was original.

And his story points out that there are predators out there who prey on lonely women, particularly LDS women who are indoctrinated to believe that they have no worth without a priesthood holder to marry them, which I think leads some to make bad choices they would otherwise avoid.

Most outrageous thing said during fast and testimony meeting

by Always Thinking - 01/02/2007

When I was in Young Womens, around 1986, my bishop called all of us youth to the front of the chapel during sac. mtg. and proudly announced that he had interviewed all of us and that we were all virgins! I was so embarrased! I was a virgin, but I had enough sense to know that it wasn't something that should be announced in church. Also, he had never asked me such a question in an interview! He NEVER asked anything about sex exept the typical "are you living the law of chastity", to which I would answer yes.

In his defense, he was a dear man who suffered severely from bipolar disorder. He was in the middle of a several month long manic high and he just got more and more crazy until he was finally released. He had to be hospitalized after that and eventually left the church.

At a BYU singles ward in the late 90's

by anon- 01/02/2007

A girl got up and said she prayed to get an A on her school test because she partied too much the night before. She said she got the A and the Lord does answer prayers.

My jaw dropped. My girlfriend's jaw dropped. We gasped at eachother in disgust. No one else batted an eye -- and that made the whole thing even weirder.

Edit: Putting this down into text makes the incident seem unbelievable. Mormonism is soooo weird.

The last Sacrament Meeting I ever attended

by Makurosu - 01/02/2007

The High Priest Group Leader bore his testimony and tried to make it sound like he had his Calling and Election Made Sure. I don't remember the exact words he used to imply this, but it was pretty pathetic. He also said that it is the goal of all of us plebes who have not had this happen to us.

My wife and I already had learned the truth about Mormonism months before, and we were just waiting for the right time to make our departure. That was as good a time as any. We looked at each other and started laughing out loud. Then we got up and walked out. Mr. Calling and Election wasn't even done with his testimony yet, and I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we left.

We had a woman who

by flattopSF - 01/02/2007

Was Mexican, married to a Texan white-trash type, who would get up every F&T Sunday and:

a) SOB endlessly about her Aztec "Lamanite" ancestry and how she knew they would become "white and delightsome" soon (this was the 70's). OR she would

b) SING, unaccompanied, the song she had composed about Jésus that month. Actually, a better word would be "WAIL:" face pointed at the ceiling, tears streaming, gasping large gulps of fresh air between the sobs, the "song" would go on and on . . .

We were fascinated! This woman was a true spiritual descendant of Ol' Sneaky Joe! We kept looking up to the ceiling to see if she had scribbled the words to her songs up there, or if Jésus was crashing through in one of his regular visitations. The more worked up she got, the richer her accent became, until nobody could understand her at all. It was always quite a Blues Brothers experience!

This poor boy

by Evelyn - 01/02/2007

A boy of about 15 or so stood up and, with tears gushing, confessed to the entire ward that, hard as he tried, he just could not get a testimony. He didn't "know" the church was true, and he felt horrible about it. He pleaded for help from the congregation and just bawled his heart out for about 10 minutes while everyone stared.

You could hear crickets chirping in the congregation, people were so dumbstruck. No one said a word or got up to try and comfort him. Finally he just sat down and the next person went up to take their turn.

My husband and I felt awful for the kid...but what could we do? Walk up to him in front of everyone and say "Don't worry kid, your instincts are correct, this church is all a bunch of horsepoopey!"

We were young then and not very brave.

One of the wards resident "Strange Ducks" speaking about his wife...

by ScottySoprano - 01/02/2007

said the following:

"People ask me from time to time if my wife is a nagger. I tell them no she's white".

I along with a few others got up and left.

A Bishop made a pregnant teenage girl get up...

by Sourpuss - 01/02/2007

A Bishop made a pregnant teenage girl get up to the pulpit to confess her sin and apologize. Thank goodness all bishops aren't like that, because the next bishop, (in the middle of a woman using testimony meeting as a confessional), stood up at the podium and dismissed everyone so she wouldn't completely destroy her reputation.

Holiday Cryamony

by NotToJoe - 12/28/2006

My TBM (True Believing Mormon) family Christmas tradition begins with my father reading the Christmas story from Luke. (He used to read from Book of Mormon but now has switched to the more traditional Bible narrative).

This has never bothered me of itself, but my father then always takes a moment to bear his testimonkey of the gospel, Joseph Smith etc etc etc?. The sad thing is my dad cannot even complete the two looooong words Joossseepphhh Smi???.bahhhh, haaaa, boo huuu huuu.

The tears start flowing and everything he says becomes a blathering, slobbering, spiritual ejaculation. I have watched this a thousand times. A first-rate blubbering cryamony, repeated countless times on demand at any and every family occasion.

Smithmas Eve Testimony

by Sage - 12/22/2006

And now after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all (I hope to high hell), which I give of him: That he used to live! For I saw him (with my spiritual eyes), even on the right hand of God; and I heard the voice (with my spiritual ears), bearing record that he thinks he is a profit-- That by him and through him, and of him many teenage and mature women are and were married and had sex and many men were fleeced of their possessions.

And I bear witness that Joseph has done more for the seduction of women than any other man save only Brigham Young (and maybe Bill Clinton). I know this beyond the shadow of any doubt and I love my mom and dad. And I say this in the name of the profit, even Joseph Smith, Amen

My Favorite Testimonies

(Tune: "My Favorite Things" with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein - 02/03/2003 - anon)

Brother Johansen says God fixed his prostate
Sister Hill wails that her son's gone apostate
Missy Brown details her trip to Belize
These are a few of the testimonies

Brother Stone calls his ex-wife to repentance
Sister Dean can't form a blubber-free sentence
Ammon Smith's grateful the Jazz beat the Kings
These are a few of the Fast Meeting things

There's unchaste movies at Wal-Mart in Layton
Hillary Clinton's a minion of Satan
God loves you just a bit less if you're gay
These are some nuggets I've picked up today

When this low-key
Karaoke
Shows how odd we are
I simply remember I'm not Warren Jeffs
And then I don't feel bizarre

Madison cries that her mom flushed her turtle
Then she announces her daddy's infertile
Tyler loves Jesus and recess and peas
These are a few of the testimonies

Elder Jones gripes that less-actives frustrate 'im
Nine CTR's thank the same things verbatim
Brother McPhie knows Rush Limbaugh is true
And The Da Vinci Code may well be too

Sister Cabell says the United Nations
Must be the beast from the book Revelations
Folks squirm through dubious doctrine and then
Everyone drowsily mumbles "Amen"

When euphor-ya
Starts to bore ya
Here's the thing that's sweet:
Each talk brings us nearer Hymn 152
And then we go home....to eat!

What is the most embarrassing testimony you've ever heard?

12/08/2006 - by Recovery from Mormonism

One day in a F&T meeting, a young woman stood and said:

"Brothers and sisters, I'm thankful for my boyfriend. He left for his mission last month and I'm very horny!"

At the time, I was so embarrassed, I joined in the utter shock and disbelief of the congregation. Now, I think that that was perhaps the most honest testimony I've ever heard! - by larryex

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This happened on my mission. I think I may have told this one before. There was a guy named Marty who had introduced is friend to the gospel. As such he was asked to give the talk on Baptism.

"Chris, you have made the decision to get baptized and join the church. And as a member of the Church you will have many opportunities to meet fine outstanding WOMEN. Women of character, women of chastity, and you will have opportunities to take these women out and...."

Yep a whole baptismal talk on dating opportunities. I also had the priviledge later of talking Chris out of trying to pick up on a cashier at Wal-Mart and then having himself thrown out of the store as a nuisance. - primus

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My visiting teacher had an affair with my best friend's husband. (I actuall, personally caught them in the act in the car at our local park, eekk) Anyway, she got up after it was a good local story and she bore her testimonky that it was a good thing and she still loves her husband and my best friends husband. She said she was so confused as to what to do. She never even had her hand slapped along with the friends hubby. Come to find out why.....her husband and my best friends hubby where both funding my bishops business. Yes this is in the salt lake valley of zion...and yes my bishop is a nephew of a GA. Go figure, good ole boys system right her in the glorious valley of the saints. Oh yeh, by the way I ended up being ostrisized along with my friend who was the innocent victim of this whole deal.

So as a result, she along with my friends husband (the two adulterers) would bare the testimonkys every month for months until both marraiges finally ended. Needless to say, that was when I stopped going to church, so maybe I should thank them. - snickers

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We were living in poor student housing among the McMansions on the hill in Provo when a young woman about my age got up and told the story of how her father, an obvious long time ward member, had just died and, unbeknownst to anyone in the family, had had a longtime mistress and had left everything to her in his will.

It was shockingly inappropriate by Mormon testimony standards but as riveting as a car wreck. Now, it just makes me smile. - YooperApostate

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The first Testimony Meeting, following our sealing in the Oakland Temple, was a shocker for my husband and myself. We had joined the church the year before, and were made to feel pretty special as we were lead through the Temple preparation ropes for that period of time!

This was in 1970, before women could receive their endowments on their own...without their husband.

You all know the routine, I'm sure. Several people bore their testimony about going through the temple with us that week.

After a couple of these testimonies, one of the sisters stood up and bore her testimony, (actually ranting) that it was not right that husband and I should have gone to Temple! It should have been her...she deserved it more than I did! (She had been an active member for most of her life. Her husband was an active member, but would not live the WW so he could take her to the temple.)

She ranted on and on, getting louder by the moment, about how much better, and more deserving, she was than I, and how her husband, even though he didn't live the WW, was so much better than my husband!

Finally, when she got to the stage where she was screaming and crying hysterically about how it should have been her and not me, a couple of Elders physically carried her out of the chapel.

Poor woman actually had a mental breakdown, right there in Testimony Meeting. - kg68

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I love my brothers & sister and I love my mom... BUT I HATE MY DAD." Then the kid got yanked off the stage by his mom.

Happened in Fremont, CA. - Prufrock

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God as interior decorator?

A 30-something year old sister in my last ward testified and expressed gratitude to her Father in Heaven who cared for not just the big things but the little things in our lives, too. She said that she just felt dismal about her life and her circumstances so she prayed to her Heavenly Father to help her. When she got off her knees it was revealed to her mind's eye how she should reconfigure her living room - where to move her furniture. It has just changed her attitude about life. "Our Father really does care for our needs."

It was revealed in my mind's eye that God is not much of a prioritizer. - hesso choro

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I lived in a ward once when a newlywed couple had just moved in when they married. A few weeks later at F&T meeting the wife, who was very young, got up and started off with her list of things she was thankful for. She just nonchelauntly mentioned being thankful for her husbands large penis, and then just went right on. Most in the ward missed what she said, but those that heard it, looked around at each other, faces turning red, and snickered a little. I looked at her husband, and he just shrunk into the seat a little deeper and hid his face. It was a good laugh. - Devil505

I heard the MOST hilarious testimony in Church Yesterday

12/05/2006 - by Primus

This old guy, probably about 80 gets up and says...

"Now I know that some of you young woman desire me to desire you, but I can't desire you, because I have a wife, Misses Old Guy, and it is my responsibility to desire her..."

He then went on rambling about everything under the sun for another 5 to 10 minutes until...

"The Bishop is tapping me in the back of the leg, which I guess means that he would like me to sit down, well...."

He keeps rambling for another couple of minutes..

"Well, I guess I have ran out of things to say...nope, can't think of anything else at the moment...In the name of Jesus Christ Amen"

The ward let's out a collective sigh of relief.

So I asked my wife if she desired him to desire her and she's like...GROSS!

Scout leader with sex addiction

12/05/2006 - by LatterDayAint

My sister's youngest daughter was being blessed. My sister and her family had just barely come into this ward, which was the split of her old ward and another. So she hardly knew any of the people. Well this guy gets up (who btw had just been put in as the new Scout leader for the 10 and 11 year old boys) and proceeds to tell everyone that he has been struggling with his sexual addiction, and wanted to "beg the assistance of the young women in the ward, by asking them to be more aware of the clothing they wore. Particularly in the church. That they needed to be more aware of their modesty, and that men like him couldn't help themselves."

Everyone was shifting uncomfortably in the pews, the bishop (very young, and newly appointed) looked like he wanted to puke. My mother and I damn near died. We almost suffocated ourselves to keep from bursting out laughing!

Mrs. Butterworth

12/05/2006 - by rosebud

My favorite FT mtg experience (i was in the chapel and heard this testimony) was when a lady got up and said she was shopping at Albertson's and Mrs. Butterworth (the pancake syrup) told her she was to marry her boyfriend.

In that same ward, there was a guy like Mr. Desire that would go on and on about men in prison (I guess from personal experience) until the bishop would tap him on the shoulder.

Speaking in Tongues

12/05/2006 - by lilmama

There was this lady in our ward who spoke very, very poor English. She spoke German and Spanish perfectly. She did not know where she was from, did not know her age, and did not remember her parents. She thought she had possibly lived in concentration camps as a very young child.

She would get up and ramble wildly - and I mean no one could understand ANYTHING she said. Every once in awhile some random word would come out of her mouth, like MY FATHAH!!! or I YAM SORRRYYY!!!!!! and then she'd go back to rambling along for several sentences. All this would be said extremely loudly, with much gesturing and crying. She took up most of the FT meeting, and totally ignored the Bishop. The kids in the ward got a BIG kick out of it and parents were kept very busy alternating between concentrating furiously on their hands in their lap or shushing the laughing kids.

She was a darling, darling, lady, and most of us felt terrible for her, but F&T mtg was a treat when she was there.

After I lost my testimony

03/10/2006 - by Thomas Gessel

After I lost my testimony my parents flew me out to St. Louis where my dad is mission president, to try to figure out what went wrong. The AP's (assistants to the president) came over for dinner and then shared a spiritual thought afterwards. At the end they bore their testimonies, and then said, "We'd like to hear everyones' testimonies. Let's just go in a circle so everyone gets a turn."

They didn't know at this point that I had spent an agonizing few months leaving the church, and my wife had just divorced me. I was the last one in the circle. The tension in the room was palpable, at least to everyone but the AP's! I said something like, "I'm greatful for my parents and the church. I don't believe that it is true anymore. I used to believe, but have recently found out that the foundation of the church is built on carefully constructed deceptions." There was a good 10 seconds of silence, probably because they were waiting for me to say "Inthenameofjesuschrist, Amen."

That was the best testimony I ever gave.

Origin of phrase, "Without a shadow of a doubt."

03/10/2006 - by LongGone2 of Recovery from Mormonism

I find etymologies of words and phrases interesting and always found this phrase, well, redundant because "without doubt" or "beyond doubt" seems an absolute. I found the following. Note the last line (grin).

"What is the orgin and meaning of "beyond the shadow of a doubt." I have looked everywere.

"Beyond a doubt" would be completely unambiguous, but an impossible standard for legal purposes. Nothing is so certain as to be beyond doubt. So, legally, different standards of guilt emerged, the most famous of which is "beyond a reasonable doubt," which muddies up the issue by introducing the idea of reasonableness. (You and I are certainly reasonable, but those other guys... oy!) Now, swimming against that tide, comes the phrase beyond a shadow of a doubt... that is, absolutely certain. (A shadow being even less substantial than the thing itself.) It's an exaggerated, impossible degree of certainty suitable only for egotists and fanatics."

I have a burning testimony of garmies

10/24/2005 - by Bonnie of Recovery from Mormonism

I still wear garments because I know the power of protection and healing that they have.

Sometimes, just for fun, I pour a little gasoline on the garmies and light 'em up. I know I am playing with fire, but I have never been burned. In fact those holy G's are still pure and delightsome as the day I bought 'em.

Another thing, I pay tithing as religiously as before I left the Morg. I deposit the 10% into a bank account. At the end of each year, I withdraw the money and take a trip to the Yucatan to search for Zarahemla. Or sometimes I buy some weed and go looking for Kolob.

In the name of Geez and Cripes, Amen.

My garmies saved my life

April 1996 by Bill "Willard" Marriott on Sixty Minutes

Mike Wallace: Do you wear the sacred undergarments?

Willard Marriott: Yes, I do. And I can tell you they do protect you from harm.

Mike Wallace: Really?

Willard Marriott: Uh-huh. I was in a very serious boat accident. Fire--boat was on fire, I was on fire. I was burned. My pants were burned right off of me. I was not burned above my knee. Where the garment was, I was not burned.

Mike Wallace: And you believe it was the sacred undergarments.

Willard Marriott: I do. Particularly on my legs, because my pants were gone, but my undergarments were not singed.

Playing tricks with the Holy Ghost

10/24/2005 - by Iconoclast

A couple of weeks ago everyone was home for a holiday. At church on Sunday a number of the University students gravitated to the foyer during Sunday School Gospel Doctrine Class to hang out and visit. The regular class was over-filled with adults anyway.

They had just settled in when the busybody/self-appointed Hall Monitor appeared and suggested that they should go to class. They responded that this was a class.

She asked which class, and one of them quipped that they were the Quorum of the Twelve Apostates. She took a quick look around and said "You obviously can't count too well can you." (There were only about nine in the group).

Another one then said "Well, we're recruiting and your welcome to join us." Apparently this shook her up a bit.

She then noticed that one was a stranger and asked about him. He told her that he was an investigator and that his friends had invited to learn more about the church.

He actually is already a convert member, although inactive. He later said he decided to play along because he felt she was the type who needed a spiritual experience.

The Hall Monitor, realizing that such a golden opportunity should not go unexploited, went and found the SS President and returned with a manual and her husband to teach a Gospel Essentials class primarily focused on the investigator.

The would-be investigator played his part telling the class that his friend (also present) had given him a Book of Mormon with his testimony written in the front and that he had been moved by the spirit to learn more about the church.

Testimony Mormon LDS - tricks with Holy Ghost.At one point he said that he wanted each person present to share with the class what was most important to them about the church. It was at this point that one of them had to leave the class because they could not keep a straight face and certainly didn't want to ruin the teacher's spiritual experience.

In the end the students had a good time and the HM and her husband got the spiritual experience that they needed. To the point that she was bearing her testimony through streams of tears. So, all was well.

When the kids got home and were relating this story, their Mom got after them saying, "You know, we are going to have to endure a re-telling of this in a weeping testimony during the next Fast Sunday".

I'm sure she is right but today in Priesthood meeting the husband took the time to relate it as a "Missionary Moment" in class. He then related how he had answered the young man's question of "So, you all get to become Gods?" That was most interesting to say the least.

I suspect that we will be hearing about this special spiritual experience for some time to come.

Not the car keys again!

09/28/2005 - by mathyou

As I was dozing off in F&T meeting today, this guy gets up and bears his testimony about how the Lord helped him find his car keys.

I about laughed out loud. Apparently he knows the "gospel is true" because the "Lord cares about seemingly insignificant things like keys." Oh please!

My first thought was, "What about ALL of the combined prayers of those in hurricane Katrina's and Rita's path?" Apparently the Lord has the time to help out a SINGLE TBM (True Believing Mormon) with his lost keys, but he can't alter the path of destruction of a hurricane.

This only adds to my testimony that god is just pretend.

The prophet's bowels of mercy move host to tears

02/21/2005 - by Perry Noid

{Cue sobbing SP wife in testimony meeting: "And when the prophet visited our home, he asked to use the bathroom and went in and took care of his business all by himself. He is such a humble man. I can testify of it. For weeks afterward, I just had the most special feeling whenever I went into that bathroom. It was almost like being in the temple. We made the children use the one downstairs because it didn't seem right for anyone to go into the 'prophet's bathroom' without wearing the sacred garments of the temple...and..[unintelligible due to sobbing]..."}

"...and the most incredible thing was, after the prophet used our bathroom, it didn't even stink a bit!" - last comment by Randy Jordan

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I enjoyed hearing the same thing over and over again. I felt like a robot. I enjoyed hearing the same thing over and over again. I felt like a robot. I enjoyed hearing the same.... - 02/13/2005 - from szonic

Elder Elmer Fudd's testimony of the prophet

01/23/2005 - cricket

We do "thank thee, O God, fow a pwophet to guide us in these wattew days," because many of those days wiww be windbwown and tempest-tossed. We give thanks fow that mowning in the spwing of 1820 when the Fathew and the Son appeawed in gwowy to a 14-yeaw-owd boy. We give thanks fow that mowning when Petew, James, and John came to westowe the keys of the howy pwiesthood and aww the offices in it. And in ouw genewation we give thanks fow the mowning of Septembew 30, 1961, 43 yeaws ago this weekend, when (then) Ewdew Gowdon B. Hinckwey was cawwed to the apostweship, the 75f man in this dispensation to be so named. And so it goes down to a day such as this, and so it wiww go continuawwy untiw the Saviow comes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

In a wowwd of unwest and feaw, powiticaw tuwmoiw and mowaw dwift, I testify that Jesus is the Chwist—that He is the wiving Bwead and wiving Watew—stiww, yet, and awways the gweat Shiewd of safety in ouw wives, the mighty Stone of Iswaew, the Anchow of this His wiving Chuwch. I testify of His pwophets, seews, and wevewatows, who constitute the ongoing foundation of that Chuwch and beaw witness that such offices and such owacwes awe at wowk now, undew the guidance of the Saviow of us aww, in and fow ouw vewy needfuw day. Of these twuths and of the divinity of this wowk I beaw witness. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Of them I am a witness, in the sacwed name of Jesus Chwist, amen, uh-hah-hah-hah. - Ewdew Elmwer Fwudd

Thanks to the Urim and Thummim provided by Ringworks.com and the referral by Didymus

Seattle temple parking lot revelation

01/19/2005 - from Marcus

I was up late (and still am, hehe!) contemplating things. Mostly whether the church was true or not, because I was having doubts about my doubts (ahhh, the brainwashing!).

I live about 25 minutes away from the Seattle temple, so I decided to drive up there at midnight for god knows what reason. I park in the little outside lot and turn my car off and just sit. For about 15 minutes I'm just sitting there alternating between staring at the temple and contemplating with my eyes closed.

I decide to pray about the issue, like I was taught in church. I figure, if it really is true, I'll get an answer, right? I believe that I got an answer, but definitely not the answer that my bishop would have hoped I had. After my (very sincere) prayer I had a very clear thought, that if my girlfriend ever asked about the church I would say "just stay away, you want nothing to do with it." Afterwards I felt the most incredible sense of peace and relaxation. I was very stressed and depressed before, but I just felt lifted out of my seat almost, like all my troubles went away. I firmly believe that this was God's (whoever/whatever he/she/it is) answer to my prayer: that the church is flat out not true and I should stay away from it.

I don't even have any more hatred for the church really! It's amazing.

True Testimony

01/07/2005 - from Jackmormon's wife

I am not a Mormon but my husband was raised one and to appease his family we went to church with them. My mother in law gave her testimony by thanking the Lord that her baby brother died in infancy because otherwise her parents would not have had more children because they would have been so happy to have a boy that they would never have had more children. I was so freaked out that I vowed never to return to church.

It has been my pleasure...

06/17/2004 - from gadwalt

Brothers and (less importantly) sisters, please allow me to testify to what the LDS church means to me. The LDS church is full of caring (at least about other conservative white folks), spiritually active, (but rationally dead) family-centric, (father and sister have never been closer; in fact he's on top of her) children (adults could never swallow this stuff) of God.

It has been my pleasure to give (10% of my gross income, my intellect, my sense of self, my self respect, and my self-determination) all I have for the good of the church. I know that this church is the only true church. (It says so in the D&C and we know the D&C is true because it says it is!)

I'd like to take a moment to uphold and encourage our bishop, Brother Ropedintoit. He has devoted every spare moment in the service of the church. (He didn't really want a promotion at his job and he'll have plenty of time to get to know his kids in the Celestial kingdom) God will reward him for the great works he's done. (Sooner than he might expect if he doesn't do something about his MMG [Mormon Male Gut}.

Joseph Smith was a true prophet (not a plaigarist, pervert, criminal, or fraud!) and I know in my heart of hearts (my brain atrophied long ago) that this church is true.

So true I can't believe it!

05/26/2004 - from the artist formerly known as vic choro

My Dear Brethern and Sistern,I would indeed be ungrateful if I did not stand on my two feet this day and share with you this faith-promoting rumor...

There have been many, many Fast & Testimony meetings that made me wince in the years I went to Church. Once, during a sacrament meeting in my student ward at BYU, this cute blonde with a southern accent (like a mouth full of pralines) talked about how Life is like a baseball game, and God's the team owner, with the Holy Ghost as manager. And God wants us to hit a home run and reach the home plate of the Celestial Kingdom. She ended (I kid you not) by exclaiming, "The Church is so true, I can't believe it!"

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Lutherans won't have me. I'm stuck Mormon click link for this long but entertaining story.

I'd like to bear my testimony, this so-called church is a fraud, the scriptures have proof that Joseph Smith was not a prophet of God, Jesus warned us about false prophets, we should heed his warnings, Instead of coming here and wasting our mornings listening to filth, rubbish and lies. Instead we should stand back and open our eyes and see the evil that is the cult of perverted polygamist guys and their zillions of wives.

I say this in the name of (Your name here), Amen. - 02/28/2004 - Sara

I come before all of you today

02/04/2004 - anon

I come before all of you today, in absolute meekness, humility and perfectly impossible perfect obedience, that can only be matched by those too holy to name in person, yea, even THE BRETHREN, THE HIERARCHY, THE CHOSEN, THE GERIATRIC KEEPER'S OF THE $60 BILLION DOLLARS, THE INFALLIBLE WHO HAVE ONLY TO LISTEN WITH THEIR MIRACLE-EARS TURNED OH SO SLIGHTLY UP,IN ORDER TO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF GOD HIMSELF;......umm, where the heck was I.

Oh yeah - to bare to you all in the name of the One and Only, the Alpha and Omega, the Creater and the Redeemer, the Smiter-Of-All-That-Is-Evil (thank gosh!) and the Creater-Of-All-That-Is-Good (that's me, but not my neighbor Richard), the I AM, yea, even The One Who Will Come Back To Earth And Poke Out The Eyes Of Those Who Are Not Members Of His Ilk Or Have Not Paid A Full 10% Tithing (taken from gross earnings, not net you silly sinners) And Have Not Done Their Visit-Your-Fellow-Chosen-Neighbor-To-Help-Keep-Him(1st)-Then-Her(2nd)-As-Brainwashed -And-Braindead(synonomous terms)-As-A-Literal-Sheep, And Done All Of The Other Required Stuff That Allows For The Literal Leahona-Type-Material-Key-To-Heaven To Be Received Only By The White Male Priesthood (vodoo) Holder Of The Household So That He Can Hold It Up To All Around Him And Declare His Permanent Lack Of Impotence (in a spiritual term only, of course, good golly)

Uhh - ......so my dear brothers and sisters, my fellow special-chosen beings who were declared better than the other 6 billion people on this planet and were thus forced, pushed (and impaled if needed) into the ONLYONLYONLYONLY true religion/cult/way-of-thinking in the whole world (what a small place it is too, since My Happy Valley is almost half as large as the entire earth!!!), umm, I lay my hands on your head - no, no, that was earlier, umm, yes, I come ever-so-humbly (self-righteously) to this very blessed wooden podium, installed most likely by one of the Chosen of the Chosen, yea, even THE BRETHREN.

Um, to tell you all that IKNOWWITHALLMYHEARTTHATTHISCHURCHISTRUE and that IPOSSESSTHEONLYTRUTHONTHEPLANET which must be given/shoved/forced down every other creatures throat (or I'll dust my feet off on their doorstep and declare them to be struck by lightning on the 3rd day of the 5th month of the next leap-year), except the Gentiles, er, uh, the Jews, er, uh......so that they may possess the only true happiness that I have (since I no longer have to use my brain, I only have to follow the orders of those who want to guide/control me)................and in conclusion to my self-evident righteousness that I have displayed today I would like to testify that I have received divine revelation after praying for only 42 hours straight that my house is to be painted light aqua-marine, not burgandy, and that I should start every day with exactly one cup of Grapenuts cereal, not Raisan-Bran as I was here-to-for-lead-by-the-devil-to-believe-due-to-the-unrighteousness-of-my-wife-who-left-the-house-last-Thursday-night-without-my-priesthood-blessing-upon-her-golden-head.

(Pause with a moment of self-glorification followed by a rush of the spririt from a Biblical prophet)I now pronounce, er, say these things in the name of our Lord and Savior Who, I say reveal again will smite those who are not "members" with a rods or bolts or really hot spiritually produced items of molten lava (right after Seattle and LA "fall" into the sea).....yea, the ComingOfTheLordIsAtHandEvenNow...........AMEN.

What ridiculous spiritual "truths" did god reveal to you?

01/18/2003 - the dreaded single adult

We had a woman in testimony meeting say that she had prayed to God that her grandmother would be able to get off the toilet by herself, and she did!!! (I am not making this up...)

A guy with Down's syndrome testified that he KNEW that Farmer Jack's was the best supermarket of all...he was a bagger there...

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Missionaries: Hello. I'm Elder Fart and this is Elder Giggle. We're calling from...and I just want to bare my testimony that...

Potential Investigator (they hope): Bare your WHAT? Not in front of my children you won't! - 12/01/2003 - from verdstelo

I would like to testify that i know that heavenly mother exists, that she lives on kolob and has wings like a fairy. i know this because i have witnessed her miracles, she turns simple objects into money. every time i get drunk and knock out a couple of teeth she does this for me. and all she asks is that i believe in her and leave my teeth under my pillow! i leave this with you in the name of dentists everywhere! AMEN! - 11/27/2003 - from fizzpop

In my most monotone and self indulging voice, that I learned from one too many General Conference talks.

My dear brothers and sisters, it is a delight for me to stand before you this saboth day, and bear to you my sweet testimony.

I know without a shadow of doubt, that Emanuel Swedenborg was the first prophet of this dispensation.

That through diverse and twisted ways Joseph Smith pronounced himself a prophet of God, stealing the ideas and thoughts of President Swedenborg.

Later assuming this false mantle of prejudice and bigotry, Brigham Young usurped control over his fellow men, and lead many into perilous death. This murderous, philander later brought a group of deceived cult members to settle Utah and the surrounding areas.

I testify that through this link, many of you are here today. I say unto you that you are under Satan's power.

I raise my arms and call on the Christ that you may be purged of your wayward ways and come to the Gospel of Christ as taught in the Bible.

Be no more deceived by elaborate temples, and those things that money can buy. How you can be as blind as to think you can buy your way into the house of the Lord, that you can deny you're family members place in this building because of your piousness.

Be humbled and know that yours is a false religion, built on pride and bigotry.

Your leaders are puppets controlled by popular opinion, and legal wrangling; their words are the words of men, mingled with scripture, the base of which is rooted in control, rather than Christianity!

I say these things in the Holy Name of Emanuel Swedenborg, Amen! - 09/05/2003 - John D. Lee

Just a suggestion about "best testimony". How about some of you people suck it up and visit your local ward house a few more times. Not to re-activate mind you, but instead to get audio, or even better, video of some really hilarious and stupid testimonies. I would be more than happy to throw 10 dollars into the pot for a contest of the best (funniest) testimony. - 07/24/2003 - dafushpu

I'd like to bear my testimony that I know this church is wrong. And that Joseph Smith was, and still is a fraud; and that Gordon B. Hinckley needs professional help from the voices he keeps hearing in his head.

I know that the Book of Mormon makes great fire starting material, also works nicely as a quick paper towel to wipe a runny nose; and can even be used as a door stopper.

With all my heart I am thankful that I am no longer a part of this brainwashed society, and I know that I am truly free and that there is in fact no God at all.

I say these things in the name of myself and all that is me, Amen. - 07/07/2003 - JG

The fear of "losing their testimony

06/15/2003 - Perry Noid

True Believing Mormons (TBM) often talk about the fear of losing their testimony. What does this tell us about the nature of a TBM testimony?

Despite their claims that they "know with every fiber of their being" that Joe Smith was a real live prophet, that Gordon B. Hinckley is a real live prophet, that the Mormon Church contains the fullness of God's truth, etc., they also fear losing their testimony. For example, they don't want to read certain things, or be disobedient to their leaders, because, among other things, they fear that they will "lose their testimony".

On the one hand their testimony consists of the most confident declarations of sure knowledge imaginable, while on the other hand they fear being exposed to information that could make them "lose their testimony". What is wrong with this picture?

Spencer W. Kimball said, "Do you think that you can go three, and six and nine and twelve months without bearing your testimony and still keep its full value?"

So the Mormon testimony is a declaration of certain knowledge, and that certain knowledge must be declared as often as possible so that it won't wither and fade away to complete uncertainty and a loss of certain knowledge. Say what?

Does one have to declare confidently every morning that the sun will rise in the East in order to retain the knowledge that it does indeed rise in the east? Can you lose your knowledge that the sun moves from east to west, if you don't declare it confidently to others several times a year? Would a person lose their certain knowledge by reading a book that claims that the sun rises in the west, and that Californians who look at the sun setting in the west just don't know any better? Would people fret about such a book being a threat to their knowledge when all they have to do is wait for the next sunrise to reconfirm everything they already know?

Proposition: Mormons bear testimony BECAUSE they have no certain knowledge about the truthfulness of Mormon claims. Accordingly, in an institution that demands obedience and conformity to survive, they tacitly agree to be participants in a highly contrived and intense system of peer pressure, in which "testimony bearing" plays a major role. If everyone around you is boldly declaring in no uncertain terms that the Emperor is wearing the most wonderful and beautiful garments in the world and that seeing those garments is the most wonderful thing in their lives, but all you see is a stark-naked, flabby looking old man, you will feel pressured to deny your own eyes and will be afraid to speak frankly about the truth that you see. And that's the whole point of Mormon testimony bearing.

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I want to bear my testimony, I know that little Joey Smith, had peeping stones, and he used these to translate the BOOK OF BULL*HIT, and through his power this great guy, could see our favorite planet. YEP! You know the one! KOLOB!

I know that KOLOB is there. I saw it in a vision while catching a white salamander. Joey also came to me in a vision. He was naked and so was I and we were catching a cloud to KOLOB. Things were going great with just a little heavy petting when BAM! Wife number 37 showed up!

I know these things are true. I have a testimony that one day I will be married and sealed to Joey and we'll have a double-wide on KOLOB.

One other thing before I close brothers and sisters. I still have {KOLOB OR BUST} bumperstickers for sale. The proceeds will go to the {building of a nother glorious TEMPLE, while the Latter Day saints work there asses off} Fund.

Isaythisinthenameofjoeysahellvagoodlay AMEN - 04/11/2003 - from jeannie

Thankful that I spent most of my life being inactive

03/20/2003 - Submission from Your Brother in Christ

Brothers and Sisters-

I am thankful that I spent most of my life being inactive. In so doing I was in a position where I wasn't indoctrinated into all the cliches that you so freely use, and never understand fully the meanings of the words that you are saying and how hurtful they can be.

I'm forever grateful that I've not become so steeped in gospel fables and false doctrine that I can no longer tell the difference. And I can still be gracious, humble and sympathetic to those who have difficulty in living the lie of Mormonism.

My heart is filled with gratitude that I didn't recognize the general authorities when they came into my place of business, so I was able to treat them the same as any other customer.

Some were very nice and appealing to the finer points of human relations while some were miserable being steeped in their own self importance. It was a time of enchantment, seeing the ones that accepted the position gratefully, and those who saw it as a way of wielding power over other people. I didn't learn who they were until they had left, and a fellow worker would point out to me who these people were.

Lastly I am thankful that I have chosen not to follow the church any longer, because happiness and goodness that comes with living a Christian life, is much easier without the blind faith that is expected by the brethren. The members of the faith will remain to be the downfall of the church and it's missionary efforts.

God Bless you all.

Just once I'd love for somebody to proclaim their testimony in this manner..

03/07/2003 - anon

Just once I'd love for somebody to proclaim their testimony in this manner..

Brothers and Sisters, I wish to stand here today, not because I would be ungrateful if I didn't, but because I feel it is my duty to issue a voice of warning.

I know that Joseph Smith lost the power of the Priesthood when he destroyed the printing press of the Nauvoo Expositor, and began abusing his power. By the grace and will of God, Joseph was taken by the bullet of a mob. So he would cease leading believers astray.

Without the Priesthood, there was nothing for Brigham Young to receive, so Brigham usurped authority and became a murderer, philander, and abusive dictator.

After many misguided attempts he finally brought a small contingency to Utah where they have fought against government, religions, and became a scourge.

In due time, the Lord will rectify the prideful and put the Mormons back under chains, where they belong as servants of evil. The mockery of today's brethren will be held into the light, and they shall shrivel because of their egotistic deeds.

Redeem yourselves and become Christians, and turn away from the ways of your fathers.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN!!

Best Never-Mormon Testimony

02/13/2003 - Therrin

Quick background: I'm a nevermo, who never even came close to joining the LDS Church. I've got a black stepfather who I love, and that would have been more than enough even if it I couldn't think reasonably and could believe in any god that made me get up early on Sunday. I became acquainted with the Mormon Church in a small part through ballroom dance, but mostly through my then Mormon girlfriend (now quite enjoyably exmo).

So on to the topic of my testimony. In my early relationship with my girlfriend (IE, when she was still Mormon), we had reached a point that was rather stagnant, with religion being the stumbling block. Right about then, I went off to England for a vacation with my family for 3 weeks, and while there, I read the Bible across a few hotel copies. For a document that is supposed to move one, it did nothing for me. The most the Bible did would be a slight amount of depression at God being so whimsical.

When I came home, one night, while lying awake in bed, I asked myself "What if the Mormon church is right?” I completely opened myself up to the question and worked from the standpoint of assuming that the LDS were right. Thinking about life with the Mormon Church being true, I got that burning in the bosom the Church promises, although, it was less a burning and more of an all prevailing, crushing depression and misery at how horrible a God Earth has.

Thinking about it, I felt we got the worst possible God, we got the co-dependent one who set us up to fail, created and allowed impossible situations and liked to jerk us around to his own amusement. I was in tears at the thought that God could be so inferior compared to the image of the deity I pictured. I felt misery for myself, and humanity in general, that God could be so low… the worst possible sadist, and so undeserving of the respect he demanded of us.

I didn’t feel God’s love; I felt his perverted need and demand of devotion. A devotion he demanded while he blissfully sentenced the vast majority of humanity to a fate of millennia of suffering for nothing more than being born to the wrong parents. It was fairly close to perfect despair.

I never would have called that realization a testimony at the time, it certainly came from within, and not some holy ghost. I didn’t realize it was the equivalent of a testimony until much later, when a random post on this board (afraid I can’t remember who or I’d give credit where credit is due), jogged my thought processes. So, that’s my experience, I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar?

Funniest Real Mormon Testimonies Ever

01/06/2003 - thread started by John

Yesterday was Fast and Testimony Meeting. What are some of your funniest testimony stories?

Once there was a guy in my ward that went up to the podium and just stood there for about 2 minutes. Then he started crying uncontrollably for about the next 10 minutes. It was pretty uncomfortable for the rest of us. We also had a family with 10 kids. The mother would get up every Fast and Testimony Meeting and berate her children. I always felt bad for them because they were good kids, just rebellious, but if I had that lady for my mother, I would rebel too.

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My favorite was a rich lady who said I am learning a lot about humility as we are moving from our 7500 sq foot house to only a 3500 sq foot house (kids all gone)". She went on and on about this learning experience and having to get rid of all the furniture, temporal belongings, etc. I guess she didn't learn much, less than one year later, they built another, bigger house (10K feet I heard) for the two of them to live in. - 01/06/2003 - danboyle

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My Favorite: "I'd like to bear my testimony that I know my roomates are true." BYU Coed - 01/06/2003 - ExMormonRon

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There was a lady who completely told off a ward that I was attending one testimony meeting. She talked about how un-Christian everyone was to poor people, how hypocritical people were, concerned with appearances only. She talked about how wealthy people in the ward would push for expensive youth activities that the poor kids couldn't afford. She talked about how rich women had turned down visiting teaching callings to poor women. Nobody helped them when service projects were planned, etc.

She went on and on for a good 10 minutes, ranting and raving and pounding the pulpit. She was practically screaming. She kept saying "You ought to be ashamed!"

It was great. :-) - 01/06/2003 - Makurosu

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In my last F&T Meeting a woman got up and said that her Priesthood holder of a studly husband was so powerful with the priesthood that it was like having Superman in her home. I bet that guy got some decent Mormon sex.

My sister one time told all in her testimony that when she first hugged her husband to be, she was filled with the Holy Ghost. I guess my parents never told her that hormones can REALLY feel strong, just like the Holy Ghost?! Can you imagine not being embarrassed to say that? - 01/06/2003 - estebanito

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This pimply faced kid got up to the pulpit and proceeded to share his testimony when all of a sudden the congregation was blessed with a surround sound fart. The kid blushed as he probably thought it was only going to be a one cheek sneak but the outcome was rather boisterous.

He got the giggles, his buddies got the giggles and then I got the giggles. I had to leave the building as my lower extremities were also suffering from the same symptoms.

I shouldn't have had that third bowl of chili before church. - 01/06/2003 - MoNoMo

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One meeting a young married woman got up and started saying how thankful she was for different things. All was fine until she got to "I'm thankful for my hands so I can touch my husband all over" and then she went on for 10 minutes about how she touches him and how grateful she is that she can feel him! Everyone is looking at the Bishopric and making gestures to shut her up but they were too chicken and let her keep talking. - 01/06/2003 - Tricia

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Years ago, a very righteous couple in my ward would get up regularly and let the rest of us know what great sinners we were. Things like the young women wearing dresses above the knees, kids dancing in their stocking feet at church approved dances etc.

Yesterday, a lady in our ward shared two experiences she had heard at testimony meetings in a singles ward. One guy got up and said the best way to share a testimony is through music. He then proceeded to sing a music solo at the pulpit for his testimony.

Another man bore his testimony that he could feel the spirit just as strong on the golf course as he could in church. He then walked out of the chapel and left the building.

I also heard from a reliable friend that worked for one of those church book and tape companies. They send their sales forces out during the summer to sale their uplifting material to unsuspecting members. Prior to sending the crews out, they have a training conference to teach sales technique, etc. One girl got up at a testimony meeting at the end of the conference and said she knew this was the true company. - 01/06/2003 - observer

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My dad (Who was a bishop at the time) got up on the pulpit and started talking about how awesome it was to be sealed to his family in the temple and how the thought of not being with his family in heaven "Scared the Shit out of Him" Everyone was shocked.

Then there was a lady who was "anti" but her husband was TBM (True Believing Mormon), and she got up and did a 45 minute testimony about how much of a whore monger and liar Brother Joseph was, and then proceeded to rip pages out of the Book of Mormon she did not agree with. - 01/06/2003 - Smitty

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I remember one incident in my parent's ward when I was little. An odd couple with children was in the middle of a divorce. So the husband, who was a bald, pink faced, glasses-wearing type, got up one F&T meeting and quietly asked the ward to fast in order to save his marriage. He stoically droned on for the next 30 minutes about how he met his wife, how they shared their first kiss across the altar on their wedding day (I kid you not!) etc.

After the meeting, the couple made quite the scene shouting at each other in the parking lot.

Months later after the divorce was final, he returned to the pulpit and yelled at the ward for not fasting enough. Here's the best part, my mom leaned over during his tirade and asked my older brother to take me out into the foyer with an embarrassed, "Um ...why don't you go out for a drink of water or something, take Anne with you." - 01/06/2003 - Anne

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Okay so my all time favorite has to be the time a poor old sister died during a meeting. She just "gave up the ghost". A friend of mine was sitting next to her and realized that she had passed away at some point and he just sat there propping the ole gal up. When it was time to exit the chapel he just sat there kinda smiling and acting like everything was okay until everybody was out of the room, called the bishop over and told him to call an ambulance. Now THAT is a boring meeting.

My next favorite was a bishop who had been an old time farmer. If you never had one you really missed out. One F&T meeting he was reading the names of the folks who had moved in and getting every body to accept them into the ward "by making the usual sign"...when he looks up and says "Okay so now that you accepted them into the ward, whose inviting them over for dinner tonight" and then stared at the congregation until somebody did in invite them.

BUT it is hard to forget ole Brother Barney, long since dead and pretty crazy for most of his life. He was the guy that every bishop cringed to see walking up to the rostrum. One day the poor ole wacko gets up and tells us all he has been given a very special gift from gawd. He has been "blessed with the ability to speak in the voice of Spencer W. Kimball"....then Brooooooooothers and Sisssssssters in that unique post surgical kimbal voice....I thought we were all gonna piss our pants. - 01/06/2003 - Satan's little helper

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I was living in Virginia. It was Stake High Priest Sunday, you know, the day when you get so bored you'd fake your own death if it would get you out of the meeting any quicker.

So Brother Whatever is telling us how the Spirit will guide us in our lives if we're in tune. ZZZZzzzzz....

"I was in Atlanta on a business trip. After the meetings were over, we all got in the company car to go out for dinner. It was suggested that we all go to a strip club first."

Blink, blink. Waking up. Paying attention. We're talking about strip clubs in sacrament meeting? What church am I in?

"So off we drove to the club. As we pulled into the parking lot, I got a really BAD feeling. I felt the Spirit telling me not to go to that club. I asked the driver to stop the car, and I got out and walked to a nearby restaurant. And it was a good thing, too! That very night, the strip club was busted by the police. I was so thankful I listened to the Spirit and avoided a sticky situation, this Church is true, in the name of...."

My husband and I sat in the congregation, jaws on the floor. So, the Spirit led him away from the strip club because it was about to be raided by the local police? And not because it was filled with half-naked women? And he wouldn't have known he shouldn't have gone unless the "Spirit" had barked at him?

He was definitely depriving some village of an idiot. I think he was released shortly after that "testimony." - 01/07/2003 - fly

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This chronically unemployed guy would go up to the pulpit with tears in his eyes and say, "Brothers and sisters, Yes, I lost my job again last week so Vera had to take a second job just to pay our tithing." Then he would reach into his pocket and pull out a sealed tithing envelope and turn to the bishop with, "And bishop, here it is!"

Another time the same guy started out his testimony by asking the brethren in the congregation if they noticed that his daughter was "becoming a young woman and filling out quite nicely". He then proceeded to make her come to the pulpit and then bore his testimony about the Book of Mormon giving her one, and making her promise publicly to abide by it. - 01/06/2003 - Scott

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I attended church the other Sunday for fast and testimony meeting and one fine lady in her thirties of about 5'8", 120 lbs got up and bore her testimony of fasting. She explained that normally she eats and eats and eats like a pig because her metabolism is so fast, and so the intense hunger she feels from fasting (presumably more so than anyone else) is incredible and the Lord's way of helping her feel the spirit. She mentioned nothing of Joseph Smith or the Church. Just how her (obviously size zero something) body misses being gorged with food on fast Sunday. - 01/06/2003 - reswobslc

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One time some gal got up who wasn't familiar to many in the congregation. She seemed a little warped from the beginning, and soon into her testimony started in on some story about how she was raped. She started going onto detail until the Bishop got up, put his arm around her, told her how much he appreciated her spirit and that they would talk afterward in the Bishop's office. Never saw the gal before or after.

Also, have you ever noticed that the one's who bare their testimony most often and are filled with the "spirit and truthfulness" of the gospel are usually on some sort of church assistance? Maybe eating food from the Bishop's storehouse makes you want to give your testimony. - 01/06/2003 - Mr. Happy

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1978 Tempe, Arizona

Sister Neville was our monthly testifier. She was always first up there (one month, another of the priests was getting up and almost beat her there but then played the gentleman and let her go first).

Anyway, she got up one month and said (I quote), "I was vacuuming yesterday and all of a sudden I thought, 'Tomorrow is Fast Sunday! What am I going to talk about?'"

Of course, their first child was to be delivered by C-Section and she handed out birth announcements PRIOR to the event!

September 1990, Salt Lake City, Utah

I remember the date because I had just moved to Utah and it was probably the last time I attended as a member of a ward. It was in Eagle Gate 8th Ward which was the ward in the Avenues for the over 30 singles. Now, if you've ever seen the majority of Avenues residents and couple that with single never married Mormons you can just imagine the crowd that went there!

Anywho, this humongous Tongan man gets up (he must have weighed easily over 500 lbs) and bears his testimony. He explains that he is new to the ward and is there looking for a wife. He hopes that he can find one because all of the women in his last ward were lesbians! - 01/06/2003 - Enoch

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"I was so nervous about coming up here, I had to go outside and have a smoke" ... Seriously, for real. - 01/06/2003 - afx

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A Goth kid got up in F&T and proceeded to tell the story of his "demon" while playing with a lighter that this "demon" gave him. I thought the bishop was gonna faint.

Another was a newly returned missionary that got up and told the congregation that his mission taught him that it doesn't matter what religion you are as long as you're a good person. Ha!!!!! You should have seen the butts shifting in the seats during that one. - 01/06/2003 - Mandy

..............................................................

I know this testimony is true, because it happened to me, ya know? Cause when you tell the little Mormon missionaries you want to read the Book of Mormon but you're a single gal, they send you two cute Missionettes. And then the cute Missionettes get offended when you hit on them and send more, even cuter Missionettes to pray you out of lesbianism. Anyone else see a problem with this? InthenameofJesusthankyoufordirectingmeawayfromthesegoys! - 12/30/2002 - from Spiffy

My dear brothers and sisters. I stand here to testify that Brigham Young was a murderer and thief. That he carried out the evil designs of the philanderer Joseph Smith. That through him many of the Lords children have become blind to the voice of the angels of heaven and dependant upon the mutterings of men masquerading as Prophets, Seers and Revelators.

I testify to you this day that these men are corrupt and haven’t received any true revelations. They are pretenders of the faith. They cannot stand the test of a true prophet, therefore they are deceivers and conjurers guiding their flock slowly but surely down to hell.

Joseph Smith was a fraud and thief of ideas. Emanuel Swedenborg who lived over 200 years before Joseph was the founder of Joseph Smith’s Mormon belief system.

I know that because the Lord will not let allow his people be lead astray, Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were shot to death.

That because of the wickedness of the people they were driven to the west, where they continue to hide their distain for government rule in blasphemous and pious self-righteousness.

I testify that the leadership of the LDS church cannot be trusted and one day they will be unmasked as the true servants of Satan.

I swear these things on the souls of all those who lost their lives at the hands of Brigham Young and his servants, and all those who were murdered by Mormons at Mountain Meadows. And in the Name of John D. Lee, scapegoat to the fallen prophet Brigham Young. Amen

Bruthers and Cistern. It's been over 20 years since I've stood up and born my testimony....aaa.....ah....uh....well......namovjizuzcrystamenn - 11/02/2002 - from goby

I would like to bear my testimony that the people who frequent this website (except me and a couple others) are just a bunch of whiny-ass mental masturbators who deep down inside are still having a hard time admitting that they were fools for having believed some weird shit. Get over it. Move on. Inthenameofjesushchristamen - 10/25/2002 - from Konrad Adenauer

Church of Tom Dooley of the Kingston Trio

08/05/2002 - from The Mysterious Priest

Hello, my name is Elder Rogers and I would like to testify to you about the Church of Tom Dooley of the Kingston Trio. I know the Charlie rides forever on the MTA in the Celestial Kingdom of Boston. I know that Charlie sent His Son, Tom Dooley, to die in our place as the perfect sacrifice. I know that the Lomax Brothers established the True Church of Tom Dooley, but it fell into a Great Apostasy. I know that this Church was restored, along with the power of the priesthood, when Charlie and Tom Dooley appeared to John Stewart and gave him the Golden Banjo. I know that Bob Shane is a Picker, Singer, and Reveler, and is the only person with the authority to exercise the Keys of the lesser Bluegrass Priesthood and the greater Folk Priesthood. I testify these things in the name of Tom Dooley. Amen.

Men of G-d, do not sleep with other men's wives.

07/26/2002 - from lobotomized distinct society

I testify of harassing calls and knocks on the door. I testify that in Hebrew, Alma means young girl and a funny name for a male prophet. I testify the American Indians are Asiatic, not Hebrew. I testify mutations and evolution of life is a theory on par with the theory of gravity. Masonic ensignias give me the creeps. Where doubt is sin, run away. Men of G-d, do not sleep with other men's wives. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Cause my bishop says so

04/14/2002 - from dulcinea

I'd like to bear my testimony. I know the Church is true...or at least I know it's true 'cause my bishop says so and if I don't believe it's true then I could be sent to outer darkness.

I know Gordon B. Hinckley is a true prophet...'cause he looks like a really nice guy and he has given the best revelations yet. At least I think he has. Has he?

Anyway, Joseph Smith was a profit too 'cause God appeared to him and gave him the Book of Mormon. Oh wait, it wasn't God, it was an angel, right? Or no, it wasn't, it was a dead guy.

And he's done more for man than anybody except Jesus - just not a whole lot for women.

But the Book of Mormon is the best book on earth and it's true and it's given to us special people. And even though most of it is a direct quote of the Bible, it guides us in these latter days. I forget - latter from what?

Oh and I love my family even though I never see them 'cause we're always at meetings.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
*sniff*

I know this church is true. An' that John Smith....I mean Joseph Smith is a true profit and womanizer, and drunkard. I know the Book of Mormon Bullsh** is true cause my mommy and daddy told me it was and I have to believe what they say cause Gaysus Crisco told me to obey my parents. I love my mum and dad. And......................Isaythesethingsinthenameofjesuschrist. Amen - 03/13/2002 - anon

Borg Assimilation

12/20/2001 - from Matthew

I want to bear my testimony that I know that the Borg Collective....er, uh, I mean the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true and that the profit Joseph Smith assimilated....I mean, converted many apostate souls to the collec....uh, church. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God because I was told so by funny looking old men at General Conference. I know that if I live worthily enough and assimilate...(damn it, I did it again!)CONVERT many souls to Christ I will be given my own wife or wives, depending on the situation at the time of my sealing, who will submit to my every whim and demand because I am Borg, You will be assimilated, Resistance is futile....IsaythisinthenameofJesusChrist. Amen.

Direct Decadence

12/14/2001 - anon

I'd like to bare my testimony.
I know this church is true.
I love my mom and dad.
and Joseph Smith is a true prophet.
our family did some genealogy work and found out we are "direct decadence" of
Breedemyoung, so I'm more Mormon than you are. - 12/14/2001 - anon

How Misogynistic and Disgusting

11/12/2001 - from the artist formerly known as molly mormon

I do not believe that if I am very, very good and accept Joseph Smith as a true prophet of God, I will reach the top tier of the celestial kingdom and become a goddess myself and rule over my own planet with my husband and his many other wives (how misogynistic and disgusting is that concept - by the way, does that mean the church allows group sex?) and pop out spirit babies for all eternity to populate said planet. That doesn't seem like much of a reward for a lifetime of goodness. I have read the Book of Mormon. I regard it as a very clever forgery by a very clever man. I do admire Joseph Smith. I wish I could be just like him and create a fake religion to screw people out of their money and get multiple husbands. Such is my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In the Name of Jesus Harold Christ

09/23/2001 - anon

I come before you today to tell you that I have a burning in my breast. I had some barbeque from Hank's on 5th and Douglas, and it's kicking my ass, but I really think it's God telling me that everything I feel and think about this church is true. I couldn't ask for anything ......sniffle, sniffle.... more than that ...sniffle... simple thing. I love all of you, but especially, I love the sisters. In the name of our Lord and Spirit Brother, Jesus Harold Christ, Amen

This Is The Place - Puke

08/11/2001 - stillthemadrev

I again come before you, my brethern and sisterns to bare my testmonial of the true church! Seems this time of year bids me to recall THE REAL truth about THIS IS THE PLACE!!!

My grandfather, an ardent student of history has told me THE REAL STORY!

Seems that bro brigham was not well as he came through the now famous canyon, he was also a man of a salty tongue. So when the wagons came to a stop, Bro Brigham leaned out from his wagon, puked and said "OH HELL! LET'S JUST STAY HERE" They would have trouble putting that on a monument so they created the other story. nameofjesuschristamen

Gordon B Creeply Is a True Profit Maker

07/19/2001 - Tedd from the board

My solemn testimony is true with every fiber of my being. I know its is true, I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt Gordon B Creeply is a true Profit maker.

And he knows that the billions will keep raking in. Hell, even if he did tell the truth about the cult, I bet people would start paying more, for they would want to "keep the faith". They would name Gordon B a son of perdition, and would continue forking out the cash.

I would like to let you know that Joe Smith loved to bang several women every week. He was very horny and had a vivid imagination. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but perhaps in his case it was. BYU should not have an archaeology department.

In the mane of Jesus H. God damn Christ. AMEN!

I know that Adam is God

06/09/2001 - Psycho TBM

I would like to say that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that Adam is God. I know that if I were to die, as long as my blood hits the earth, my sins will be forgiven. I know that polygamy is the way that I will become a God, and I can't wait until I get to spirit heaven so that I can start getting hitched to the wives of Apostate men. I know that in order to get to the celestial kingdom I have to learn all of the Signs and Tokens, even though I claim to believe in Jesus Chirist. I know that I'm a hypocrite, and believe one thing and do another. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ makes me a hypocrite, but it's the true church, and I'm a brainwashed fool. In the name of my savior, even Joseph Smith amen!

I no dat da Chuwch is twoo

Submission from stillthemadrev - 06/03/2001

(Whisper, whisper.) . . . I no dat da Chuwch is twoo . . . (Whisper, whisper.) . . . Wha? Oh. I no dat Jo (Whisper.) Joseff Smif was a pwofett and . . . (Whisper) dat da Book of Momun is twoo. (Whisper.) I wuv my famiwy a wot. (Whisper, whisper.) . . . I wanna go on a mishun when I get big . . . (Whisper, whisper.) . . . in da name uv Jeesus Cwist ay-men.

"Good testimony, sweetie!" "What a good job you did, Molly!"

(Get your hand off my shoulder, you old wrinkly witch.)

(Can't we just go home?)

Blessings of the Home Teaching Program

Submission from stillthemadrev - 05/08/2001

I would like to bare my testimony of the power and wonderful blessings of the Home Teaching Program. I moved in to care for my elderly father (A jack mo at best.) some years ago. WITHOUT fail on the last or the next to last day of the month here come Brother Jones! Oh what splendor fills by bosom! He was in the home 2 minutes on a long visit...then it's "SE YA NEXT MONTH BROTHER BOB!" And out he went!

Oh the care given to the elderly made my heart drop. Anyhow, after Brother Jones moved (Thanks be to God!) NOT A SOUL from the local ward (Why is not the bishop then called a warden?) called for monthsandmonthsandmonths UNTIL a caller came not to visit but to COLLECT FAST OFFERINGS.

Gee, hated to turn him down too, he seemed like a nice old fart..but turn him down I did. So it is" So it is by the power of the spirits that I can tell you that the Home Teaching Program is a success...shit, the guy who did come here was able to get his 100% in! AND it meant so much to my dad (Okay I lied about that.) So all you folks out there in Mo Land...take this and do something...get that 100% great will be thy reward!
nameofjesuschristamen

A Zoning Ordinance?

Submission from therightrev - 04/19/2001

I KNOW that this is the TRUE church! The witness of my neighbors has convicted me of this FACT! The time one winter when the local deacons took snow blowers up and down the front walks of the street and somehow missed mine! Then Christmas and the ward carolers stop at every house but mine. I KNOW this true church exists right here! Then of course, the Scouts (Who were the same little creeps who did NOT clean my walk.) made sure to visit me for $$$$$$$ for fundraising! THEN the little lady came to sell me church magazines. After kindly saying "no" she kept pushing for me to take the Ensign. Finally I told her I was NOT Mormon. She said, "YOU LIVE HERE AND YOU ARE NOT MORMON??" To which I said, "Is there a zoning ordinance I don't know about"?

SO YES FRIENDS THIS LOVING WITNESS PROVES TO ME THAT THE CHURCH IS TRUE !!!!!

nameofjesuschristamen

A Vision of an Eternal Reward

by anon 04/18/2000

1. Behold, I am that I was, the prop it, sneer, and elevator known upon the records of the church as Woofwoof Woofwoof. I have been sent back to you by the Bard On-impotent; to obscure conditions generally and to see if Satan is had up and down and through out the loins of the hams.

2. In my 97th year I was carried away in a vision to a dry valley beneath the endless blue sky. And the wind howled all the day long and the valley was filled with dust.

3. And in the dust stood a multitude of virgins. Young naked virgins standing so close to each other that their sweat dripped onto one another. And they numbered more than the hairs on the backs of ten thousand blue yaks.

4. And it came to pass that all of them were fair and delightsome. And fertile.

5. Behold, I heard a voice say unto me, "Rise up Woofwoof, take and eat."

6. But I said, "Not so Bard. For nothing unclean and common hath ever been around my bone. Only me wives that I married in the moldy temples."

7. But the voice answered a second time out of the wind; "What I the Bard On-impotent hath cleansed make not common and unclean. My earth of dust and sky of wind shall be your temple from henceforth. I give you all of them virgins and their sweat shall be as the perfume of Bathsheba."

8. And then I heard a rattling sound. My bone came to her bone and after much labor I came to joy unspeakable. But that was only one.

9. So I took another and another, bone to bone. And it pleased the Bard.

10. When the sun settled behind the dry mountains, only a few had known bone. Fewer than the fingers and toes on a leprous old woman.

11. And the next day, I found myself in the dusty valley of virgins and I labored all that day, and the following day. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Nay, my bone did not wear down.

12. Still I made hardly a dent in the multitude. No more an indentation than the dry breasts of an 8 yr old girl at her baptism. So great was the multitude of fair and delightsome virgins waiting in the dusty wind.

13. Behold the voice of the Bard came to me after 10o0o days. "This is your eternal calling, and reward: To water, with your bone this valley of dusty virgins. And they will not be edified until they have bore 144 sons each. And they will never grow old or wise, and they will not diminish in beauty. Their everlasting desire shall be to serve as righteous and submissive wives to you, Woofwoof."

14. "Yeah, I will send no other besides you because none other is righteous."

15. "Therefore, go forth, to do this great work. For it shall never be accomplished until the seams of Levi split."

16. But I cried, "My bone is heavy. I regret that I have but one bone. I can not bear up under this entire valley of eager virgins. My curse is too great."

17. And the voice of the Bard rebuked me. "For this contempt and unfaithfulness you shall be forever punished."

18. "For every tiny grain of dust that shall ever blow against any one of these fair virgins will be changed in a twinkling of an eye into another virgin to be blown by yet more dust for century after century whilst they all wait on your impotence. For dust thou wast. Dust shall multiply dust. Dust on virgins shall multiply virgins."

19. And I was carried away.

Happy Father's Day

06/18/2000 - Dr. Dave from the exmormon.org bbs

Today was one of the most difficult days of my life, but a father's day I'll never forget. I appreciate all the support received from this board...the encouragement and even the doubters. What happened was real and it went like this.

I was asked to give a talk on "truth" "honesty" and "fatherhood." The ward and its people who have been so close to me wanted a psychologist to talk about these ideas on fathers day. I began by telling the assembly how much my wife and I loved and cared about them as individuals. We have (had) some wonderful friends from this ward.

I thanked them for allowing me their trust and concern when I sat with them in counsel. It was important to set the tone for some definitions...truth being the first. Basically I told them that one must love oneself first and that truth is what that person understands. I explained that honesty follows and that it is the role of the father at home to set the example for his family. I shared my cocnern about the structure of the LDS church, its lack of concern for the time needed by family members, and its abandonment of fiscal accountability to its members.

I shared with them that the concept of a restored church by a one Joseph Smith was something which I did not believe in and that there were too many inconsistencies with the BOM to make it a foundation of my and my family's beliefs.

I went on to say that I had a concern that the authority of the church was infringing on the lives of its members to a dangerous degree. Carefully I shared with them our decision to leave the church membership. At that point the bishop turned around and asked me to please step down. I went on for a few more minutes to be sure that the people there knew that I cared very much for them but wanted to stress the point that the LDS church would never be a part of my life again.

I announced that my wife and I had ALREADY resigned our membership and that there would be no need for any court of excommunication as we were no longer members. With that I stepped down.

There were some disgusting sighs and curt comments from some members...I expected that...and some tears from our friends. Those upset me the most, however I realize what was happening.

As we were leaving...my wife walked out ahead of me with the two children, I noticed that she was consoling a good friend of hers who was in tears. Next to them, approached her husband who just glared at me. He said, "Well I just don't know." "That took guts." "That's what I believe," I said. I told him to call me sometime. With that I took my wife by the hand and walked away from the ward building...and today stepped into a new life.

The support from this board will I hope continue and I want to suggest to any of those who are in the process of experiencing the doubts that I had, that it is more important to be honest with yourself than to live a lie in this organization. With that, seek the guidance and support of these forums and get on with your life. There are people around who can help.

Thanks for listening.

Dr. Dave and Family - Happy Fathers Day

05/07/2000 - Santa's Elf
I know that Santa lives and that he visits each home around the world on Christmas Eve. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

SOB! SOB!

Anyone who doesn't have faith in this and endure to the end will not get any presents for Christmas ever again. Anyone caught out of their bedroom on Christmas eve, doing research on the geography of the North Pole and other non-faith-promoting activities WILL be taken off the good list forever.

Therefore be faithful and be believers.

To all of those who have rejected Santa. Come back! Come back into the peaceful rest and joy of getting his presents. You were deceived. Come back!

I say these things in the name of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Oh! Man!

02/17/2000 - Shirley
I bear you my solemn witness that I know this Internet is true.

Sometimes we must be patient, but, if we just wait and believe...the links we have highlighted will come to us.

I love each and every one of you. Especially those who are not here today.

The Moremoney Church is filling the earth like a stoned community cut without Hans.

I hope all recent apostates will redouble their efforts and think about one family each month to share the liberating true history of the Church with.

Magog be with you as you do your part.

Please play for me.

12/10/1999 - Gary H.

While I and my family were thinking our way out of the Church, we attended an area conference at Universal Studio Amphitheather in Studio City, CA. Dallin Oaks was the "hit speaker." As you know, is an opossum now.

Any way, he started his talk by saying that his testimony as an opossum was no different than when he was not, and that he had to "work" for his testimony, just like everyone in the crowd. He had not seen Christ, personally spoken to Him, or had any unusual experience.... just the same "still small voice" which everyone else gets. (So much for an apostle to have a special witness... no Paul, that Dallin!)

Then comes the kicker! So how do we get that special feeling? Well, it is a combination of reading, studying, praying, fasting, attending meetings, living the commandments. How long should it take? Well, hopefully just a little while. But it may take months, or even years. We may have to give up rock music, or even Souza music. We may need to fast and pray at very regular intervals. But sooner or later, across the months or years, we can each develop a testimony.

Obviously, he just described a self-brainwashing program that could last years to accomplish for the unusually strong willed. I turned to my bright 16 year old son, and asked "did he just say what I thought he said." My son assured me, yes, he did.

So, the apostle of the Lord does not speak to the lord, does not commune with the lord, and tricked himself into believing just like the rest of us. And, if it takes years for God to get around to granting your testimony, then so be it.... just keep working and working at it until he does.

So, Dallin Oaks actually helped prop open the door to our departure. You might say that I knocked, and he opened the door.

10/30/1999

Rather than going to testimony meeting why not email it in? as long as the church computer has it recorded for time and all eternity, it's as good as in the bank. The Bank of Kolob - E.D.I.C.- Eloheim Deposit Insurgance Corporation.

09/18/1999 - True Deciever

I absolutely know the Church is true and I, unlike others, can PROVE IT! Verily I say unto you, BEHOLD! Doest thou not notice that every football team that the Lord's servant Steve Young plays on, on that team there are also 27 delightsome young women serving as cheerleaders. No less and no more. Now hearken back to an earlier servant of the Lord named Young. Did he not also have 27 "cheerleaders" as well?

Coincidence? I think NOT!

Youll agree that the Lord works in mysterious, mysterious, ways.

09/03/1999 - Robert B

I also know Joseph Smith was a true prophet, because he let so many women see his Sword of Righteousness, fully raised in the work of his Heavenly Father. We must not drop our swords until the work goes forth like a mighty stream; rather we must keep them erect and keen to thrust in the work of God.

08/06/1999 - Theodore

I'd like to bury your Faith in the Church today, I KNOW THE BLACKS ARE CURSED! I know that if a white person mixes their blood with theirs, the penalty is death on the spot! I know that Joe Smith holds the record for sticking his #@^%$@&*! inside of more women than any other man in history. I hope good ol' Joe still has those keys, so that when I go to outer darkness Cain and I (since we will rule over Satan)Can jump good ol' Joe's ass and steal those f***** keys from him! Then everyone will be able to have a blast in the kingdom of Joe! The women will be unlimited, and we will force all the people on the earths we make to live righteously then we will start a new fad. Insted of becoming a god you will become a devil.

In the name of all Bull**** Amen!

07/20/1999 - DC

I want to testify to you all that I have a very intense burning sensation in my bosom. There is no cure, except for time. Even then, I will feel it working through my entire digestive system. My blood boileth over and my ass is on fire! Oh god, why did you invent HABANEROS anyway? My testimony is true, these damned things are HOT! I bear this to you while on the throne, in the name of mercy. Amen.

07/03/1999 - anon

Long pause...searching for the conveniently placed Kleenex. Wadding it up and then getting an even bigger handkerchief from her secret hiding place.(Sob, sob, snort and blow.) I just know how ungrateful I'd be if I didn't stand and tell you all how glad I am that I wasn't born a Baptist minister!

I know it's true, cause that's what they tell me. We're led by the nose by a true and living prophet. I'm so grateful people tell us what to do, cause I just wouldn't have been able to go on that trip to see my near dead sister and helped her to see she needs the blessing of this church, I assured her we'd baptize her and her 23 children when they died. The plan of salvation is such a blessing, she never could give up her tea and coffee, but she can now go to heaven.

Name of JC Amen...oh he's a true god too! And I love him!!

06/18/1999 - Dejan

No matter what u say , or do through this modern way of communicating to destroy the Christ`s church,doesn`t change the fact that it is one and only God`s church upon the face of the Earth. At the end u`ll know i was right.I hope that u`ll repent and turn to God with all your heart. Good luck from Croatia.

05/26/1999

I know the Church is pretty true and wonderful cause they send us queer boys out on missions at the height of our sexual prime and tell us we have to hang with this other boy at the height of his sexual prime and that we have to love him and eschew all others in favor of him. Only a true church could think of something this fantastic!

05/03/1999 - brlymormon

I know by the power of the Holy Ghost that The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true quarter of a million member church on the earth today in which the Lord is pleased! (thats to teach you apostate, apostates a thing or two in less than a hundred words. ):)

04/29/1999 - anon

My dear brothers and sisters, I know for a fact that Joseph Smith is a true prophet. Even though a couple of swigs of Maalox alleviated the strong burning in my bosom, I'm still confident that I'm a red-blooded, teetotalin', gods-fearing Mormon. I asked God if this stuff was true but all I got was an answering machine message that said he was temporarily away from Kabala cruisin' some pretty hot advanced intelligences with nice curves. I tried to get back to him, but the particle mass of my prayer collided with the debris of a spacecraft. Since I'm not a great reader, I could only rely on the convincing pictures of Jesus preaching to a bunch of South-American natives. I heard that these natives were descendants of Asians who migrated via the Bering Strait, but the idea that they are really a long line of disgruntled Israelites is much more plausible. If nothing else, the Book of Mormon has great drawings-so good, in fact, that illiterate natives convert when missionaries show them.

Anyways, I'm planning on becoming a prophet soon. When my family heard of my conversion, they got me a pair of seer-stones for my birthday. I think I'm ready. I was in a fraternity, so I'm already well-versed in secret handshakes. All I need is some protective underwear and I'm set. I sure could have used that underwear when I used to get into bar fights. I'm not gay and I have no African ancestry, so it's no wonder I was a prime candidate to evade outer darkness. Although, I've heard from some of the spirits of my apostate ancestors that outer- darkness isn't so bad. You don't have to wear short-sleeved white shirts and name badges and a keg is constantly on tap. The only problem is that satan forgot to pay his utilities bill so the place has no lights or electricity, but I heard that a shipment of night-vision goggles is on the way. I know one Mormon who was cast into outer-darkness because he forgot the secret name given to him at the temple. I think I'll get it tattooed on my bicep for safe measure. I'd like to draw this testimony to a conclusion by reaffirming unequivocally that the Church of LDS and all of its hidden and bungled theology, of which I have no knowledge, is completely true.

Brethren, I bear you my testimony. I know the Church is false. I know the Book of Mormon is fiction. I know that Joseph Smith was a liar and thief. I know that patiarchal blessings are bullshit.

I am thankful for the Internet and the free flow of information that debunks this secret society that tries to keep a stranglehold on information. I am thankful that people can escape the clutches of the cult, and that some families can remain intact after that carnage. I hope for good things for you all And I leave this with you, in nobody's name in particular. Amen. - 04/26/1999 - anon

My dear brothers and sisters, I humbly stand before you this morning (as I fondle my priesthood through the hole in my suit pants pocket and gaze longingly upon the young pre-pubescent boys fidgeting on the deacon's bench). I testicle-fy before you with all the power and burning of my loins that I know beyond a (Dodge) Shadow and a Dart that the orgasmization founded by the Prophet Joseph Smith (And his little one-headed friend named Junior.) is the only true orgasmization to be found on the face of Earth. I spew these things in the name of the master fisher and baiter of men and boys, Jizz 'R Us, Amen. - 04/20/1999 - Blashoodaloom

Elder Max was a very intense missionary, a real spiritual giant. Every missionary meeting, he would bear fervent testimony, with trembling voice and body, "I knooow with every fiber of my beeeing that Joseph Smith is a prophet. I have seen the face of Satan and by the power of God I will CRUSH him!" He had many encounters with Satan because he was such a choice spirit. Several months later, we put Elder Max on a plane to the states to a psychiatric hospital. We were glad to have him out of the country, but were very worried that he might see someone on the plane that resembled Joseph Smith and get the faces mixed up and just beat the hell out of some poor unsuspecting passenger. - 04/19/1999 - anon

Let me beer my testimony: "I know that Joseph Schlitz is true. I know that if I read the label and ask god whether it is true, he will probably tell me to go to the FDA. - 04/17/1999 - Don

I had a private e-mail from a very well-educated ex-Mormon in Germany this week. He said that when he began to doubt the church, he conducted a little experiment. He started making up testimonials, faith-promoting stories ala Paul Dunn, or giving Sunday school lessons and fireside talks that were completely illogical and off-the wall. He was astonished at how many people commented on how spiritual, how faith-promoting, how testimony-strengthening his talks were, how much more "filled with the Spirit" he was. In other words, he out-Joseph-Smithed them. - 04/16/1999 - anon

IwanttobearmytestimonyIknowthischurchistrueIlovemymommyanddaddyandallmyteachersandIsaythesethingsinthenameof
JesusChrist,Amen. - 04/03/1999 - anon

I know that what I have to say is difficult for you to hear, and that brings great sadness unto my heart. While praying for divine guidance, I heard the still small voice that informed me that my message would fall upon deaf ears. Yet I feel compelled to try, because I know that the Church is True, and that we have a living Profit who guides us as seer, revelator, and divine mastur - um, I forget the last one, but never mind that.

What I really wanted to tell you was that I *know* this church is true. I KNOW it. I wish that you could see me right now, rather than try to feel my spirit in the written word because the tears welling up in my eyes and the flush upon my cheeks would surely convince you of the truthfulness of my words.

This isn't an easy church to belong to, what with all the meat pies I have to make for my dear Penisholder and all of his really special inner circle of really special white patriarchal male friends, and the never ending cycle of good works that I do for my dear Brother and Sister Prolific, who take the words of our Profit so much to heart (Bless them.) and have brought 26 beautiful spirits into the world. Of course they don't have to worry about how to take care of them, that's what our tithing money is for! Well, that and providing full scholarships to BYU for the children of those really special white men that I mentioned above.

I know that it's my place to serve my husband in heaven, and I'm blessed that I'm a woman because the responsibility of the Priesthood is an awesome thing and I wouldn't want it, no sir! Besides, I'm already getting so much training here on earth, cooking and cleaning and caring for so many people. At least in heaven it would be a relief to have all the other women that my dear husband has been sealed to for all time and eternity lend a helping hand while he's out ruling other planets and stuff.

I think that people tear down the church because they feel threatened by it. At least, that's what my Bishop said, and that's a good enough explanation for me.

There are things that we'll never have an explanation for on earth, and these things are not for us to know. That's where faith comes in, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ (Oh yeah -- I guess I should have mentioned Christ more often so that you would know that I really am a Christian. Christ, Christ, Christ!!! Jesus, too!).

Any doubts that you have, just think that maybe God doesn't want you to have the answer here on *Earth*. I mean, I don't understand that whole blacks/priesthood thingy, or why dear departed Profit Brother Brigham would say that people with dark skin aren't pure and wholesome like me and my family but God has a plan, of that you can be assured. We may not like everything we hear (Especially in the Endowment ceremony, which kind of scared me. To be honest I'm a little skittish about blood, Forgive me Father). But it's just cuz I'm slow and stupid, not my Father! He "knows" why He says the things he says to the Profit. We don't have to understand. We just have to obey.

I know that this is the One True Church and I know that Families Are Forever and I know that the Spirit is within me and in all these things I say in the name of Jesus Christ (There, I said it again!!) ... Amen.- 04/02/1999 - TrollieJo

I no with ever fiber of my bean that (_______) is TRUE! I love my bishop too. In JC's name, amen - 03/30/1999 - anon

Comments Section

Wow, this stuff sure makes everyone so much better doesn't it? Rather than ripping on things you don't believe why don't you invest that time and energy in doing something positive. Better for everyone you see! lol - 02/23/2009 - MoMan

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(Whisper, whisper.) . . . I no dat da Chuwch is twoo . . . (Whisper, whisper.) . . . Wha? Oh. I no dat Jo (Whisper.) Joseff Smif was a pwofett and . . . (Whisper) dat da Book of Momun is twoo. (Whisper.) I wuv my famiwy a wot. (Whisper, whisper.) . . . I wanna go on a mishun when I get big . . . (Whisper, whisper.) . . . in da name uv Jeesus Cwist ay-men.

you do have to admit that when this happens it is pretty cute. 90% of the people on this earth are stupid and are going to say stupid things including me. But i still go to F and T meetings all the time. I see tons and tons of women bare there testimony without crying. - 03/19/2008 - LT

Is it possible that most women have to cry to make their testimony true? Is all that crying so essential?? - 06/05/2004 - from Maria

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