Awards are for material created during the 2005 calendar year. Winners can claim awards by identifying themselves and providing a snail mail address below.

Seventh Annual Salamander Award Trophy.

Click here to nominate material for The Eighth Annual Awards

2005 - 2004 - 2003 -2002 -2001 -2000

Best Slamtoon of Mormonia

Mormon Pope campaign by Cardinal Zelph


Best Political Cartoon of Mormonia

Mormon insanity adapted by Hamster


Best Audio Clip of Mormonia


Best New Humorous Web Site


Best New Serious Web Site


Best Original Mormonia Song

Doin' the Masonic Shuffle: Ward Hoe-Down Night!!

03/05/2005 - by Scott Tippetts

Elders, bow to the purty little darlin' on your left....
You Sisters, give a curtsy to that baker-hatted gent!

Everyone face the front where the matron scowls real stern....
Pay 'ttention to the Man Adam or in hell ya gonna burn!

Now put on that green apron an' jes cinch it up tight....
Make sure yer hat-string's tied to yer white overalls on the right!

Women, show a little token to the gentleman on yer left....
There's a death penalty with it, so keep them handshakes deft!

Men, recite a cultic oath with a silly new name....
You women, be patient, it's yer turn to do the same!

Now allemande left with a left allemande....
Pay Lay Ale up & down like a palm leaf frond!

Everybody do-si-do 'round the altar up front....
Hold hands in a circle and pray fer Gordon, the gnarly runt!

Everybody up in in front go return back home....
Now line up single file behind the 80 year old gnome!

Step smart with yer pardner to the veil on the side....
Stick yer hands through them holes so you ken git cee-les-tia-fied!

Gimme five points of fellowship - but keep those boners down you men....
Whisper secret combinations and The Massa let you in!

Brothers, grab yer pardner with a Patriarchal Grip....
Promenade her into heaven now, don'tcha let her slip!

Pass on through, nod to that white suited man....
Be QUIET now y'all, hear a revvee-layshun if ya can!

Kinky sisters, ask yer pardners if they wanna uh-nish-ee-ate....
Nekkid washin' and annointin', don't nobody hesitate!

Now bow to yer pardner while I finish up my rhyme....
Lookin' smug to each other like ya been Masons all the time!

Back to the locker room, take off that costume slow....
Drive back home like nuthin' happened - normal folk will never know!

Yee-haw!

(With special credit to Quevedo, for coining the phrase 'doing the Masonic Shuffle')


Best Original Mormonia Poem

Christmas in Zarahemla - A poem for Smithmas

12/22/2005 - created by SL Slacker

Twas the night before Christmas, in fair Zarahemla
Where two seons of gold won't fetch half a limnah
Since the buildings all crumbled and smashed to the ground
Over dead, bloody people heaped up in a mound.

The children were strewn over sharp rocky beds
While visions of cureloms danced in their heads
And Mamma with her bleeding and my fractured thigh
Had just settled down to curse God and die.

When out in the rubble arose such a clatter
I strained my head up to see what was the matter
And peered o'er the stones - my eyes flew like a tapir
just stabbed in a battle with an iron-tipped rapier

The sky covered up by black clouds of debris
Hid the frenzied, cold wounded still trying to flee
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a pinprick of light growing steadily nearer

From a man clothed in white, his robe open in front
Like a pimp-daddy lounge singer pulling some stunt
When a voice still and small wafted over the snow
That pierced to my soul, "Folks it's time for the show!

"Come hear Jesus, my son, in whom I'm well pleased
Who helped ravage your cities with death and disease!"
So I looked and saw Him light down from the sky
Landing on top of and crushing some elderly guy.

I stared right into this holy hipster's breast
Which was shaven as freshly as his chin, legs, and the rest
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

He was fit as a stallion, and smelled of chlorine
From that Heavenly hot tub where he stashed Ann, Meg, and Doreen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He'd scarcely arrived when he went straight to work
Proclaiming himself emperor, the self-righteous jerk
Then he invited the young and the old not yet dead
To forget their own wounds and check his out instead

Then he quickly got bored and started to rise
Up and lecture us all on how to baptize
He laid out every detail as if I should care
About proper procedures when one missed a few hairs.

Then to prove that he wouldn't leave us all in a lurch
He took care to expound on the name of his Church.
Then he healed some of the injured who had faith to heal
And suggested they forget dead friends who lacked zeal.

Now laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up to heaven he rose.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


Best Original Humorous Post Regarding Mormonia:

New Articles of Faith revealed at last!

12/26/2005 - by Deconstructor

In case you think the original Articles of Faith are silly, here are some that are even sillier...

The Articles of Faith (New Inpired Version)

1. We believe in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men, and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and Revelator denied it on national TV.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in the pre-existence.

3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer & Savior.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins; fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth, Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman; sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total, absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Women leaders, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that the primitive name for the church was "Corporation of the President."

7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing, interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment secrets, and so forth.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the most recent version of the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. We are currently undecided as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however.

9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God (which may differ greatly from what He has previously revealed) by means of a comprehensive market survey of members' likes and dislikes.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim.

11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are hirelings of Satan.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, unless the law of the land violates the law of God as dictated by the President of the Church, such as in prohibiting the marrying of more than one woman.

13. We believe in being honest except when lying for the Lord, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things that the Church President tells us, we hope all things, we have endured many things such as changes in Church teachings and conflicting revelations, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is any woman virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to make her obedient, servile, and pregnant.

The Articles of Faith (Uninspired Version)

1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father - Michael the Archangel, Adam, the "Ancient of Days" - although we now worship Elohim so as not to confuse our numerous anti-Mormon enemies.

2. We believe that men will be punished for doing their own thinking and for not reporting the transgressions of others.

3. We believe that all mankind will be saved by obedience to Church leaders on all levels, presuming, of course, that they do not contradict each other.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, faith in the infallibility of Church leaders; second, penance and uncensored confession to one's bishop; third, preserving one's Church membership at any cost; fourth, the need for a fourth principle has been eliminated by modern revelation.

5. We believe that a man be called of God usually by family origin, by the laying on of hands, but the granting of such privileges to women will require considerable public pressure.

6. We believe in much the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, viz., apostles, prophets, teachers, evangelists, seventies, etc., but we reserve the right to change things from time to time as we see fit.

7. We believe in the gifts of tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church.

8. We believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as we can decipher its archaic vocabulary; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations.

9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that President Hinckley will tell us; and if he is too comatose, Elder Packer will do it for him.

10. We believe in the literal scattering of Israel throughout all nations and that all mankind, whether black or white, come from the tribe of Ephraim; that Zion is in Utah Valley or any other place where a Mormon of a pure heart can be found. Indeed, we may say that Zion can be found in the remotest, most God-forsaken corners of this world.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of the Brethren and require that all men do the same, and worship when, where, how or what is prescribed in the current Priesthood handbook and Ensign magazine. Attendance at symposia, or other open forums is an excommunicable offense.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it.

13. We believe in good lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, dark blue suits, white shirts, fashionable underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it.

Articles of Faith for Women

1. We believe in God the Eternal Father, god the eternal mother whom we are forbidden to acknowledge publicly, and in his (not her) son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost who is a male personage.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam's transgression. We believe that women will be punished for their own sins as well as Eve's transgression.

3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind (probably including women) will be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel and their priesthood leaders' every word.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are first faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, second repentance, third baptism by immersion, fourth, the laying on of hands for the gift of the holy ghost, and fifth, the gift of priesthood power exclusively to men now and in the eternal worlds.

5. We believe that a man must be called of God. No women need apply.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, with the exception that although women held priesthood and administrative offices then, they do not now and never will again.

7. We believe that the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healings, interpretation of tongues, etc. are available only by and through priesthood holders and not directly to any female member individually.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God except insofar as it contradicts Wasatch Front cultural traditions.

9. We believe all that God the Father has revealed and all that he does now reveal. We do not believe that he will yet reveal any great and important things pertaining to women and just to be sure, we will not seek such revelation.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the ten tribes; that Zion has already been built in Utah County, Utah; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisacal glory wherein men will be god-like and women will be silent, invisible and pregnant.

11. We claim the privilege of worshipping God according to the dictates of our own conscience and expect all men and women to follow our priesthood leaders' definition of moral questions.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, magistrates, and male priesthood leaders and in obeying, honoring and sustaining whatever they tell us to.

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste (every falling from chastity is the girl's fault), benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good toward all males. Indeed we may say the follow the admonition of Paul; we believe all things that we have been told by the priesthood leaders, we hope all things, we have endured many things and hope to be able to endure all things for there will surely be no earthly relief. If there is anything bland, banal, innocuous or G-rated, we seek after these things.

The Articles of Faith, Now With 10% More Disclosure

1. We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. God lives on a planet near a star named Kolob. But there are lots of other Gods, too. We aren't sure if our God is the oldest God, or the most powerful, or not. I don't know that we teach that. By the way, you can be a God too, if you give God some of your money (give it to us, we'll pass it on) and do everything we say God wants you to do for the rest of your life.

2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. We also believe that God sometimes commands us to sin, or at least puts us in situations where sinning is necessary to fulfill God's purposes. Also, some sins aren't sins if you are doing them to help God's church. Also, you might be punished for other people's transgressions (like Cain, if you have dark skin, or Eve, if you are a woman) but not for Adam's. Whew!

3. We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel. Well, they may be saved, but only if they obey the laws and ordinances, which are changing almost all the time. They change kind of slowly, so sometimes no one notices, and WE sure as heck don't call attention to it.

4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. There are a lot of other ordinances and principles, too, but if we mention them up front, no one would ever join our church. They'd think we were some kind of whacked-out cult. But we aren't. And if you ask us specifically about some of the bizarre things we think are part of the 'gospel', we will lie about it; but that's okay (see Article 2).

5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. Only our Church has this authority. If you are in another church, you aren't called by God, you don't have his authority, and your ordinances won't save you. We will tell you that we don't think people from other religions are going to hell, but we only say that because we think you might become a Mormon later in this life, or after you die. If you don't, you are going to hell, no doubt about it. Well, Mormon-Hell. It's actually pretty nice, but you live in eternal regret of not being mormon.

6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth. Well, we don't have pastors, or evangelists, per se, but still, it is the same as Christ's church. Well, we change our organization a lot, actually, for good reasons, but whatever the current version is, it MUST have been the same way back in Christ's church, because we said the two are the same. And they are. And always will be, no matter how much they change.

7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth. Well, not the speaking in tongues thing anymore. That's freaky-weird. But now we say that learning a foreign language (even if we don't speak it very well) is the gift of tongues. Oh, and prophecy doesn't mean predicting things correctly, it just means being inspired about something, usually a new Church program, or a new rule about earrings or knee-length shorts.

8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. By 'translated correctly', we mean not what it said in the original texts, but whatever we think it should say to be consistent with the Gospel, as defined by us (God told us). And about the Book of Mormon, well, it might not be true, as in 'it really happened', but it still has inspiring stories. But we know it is true, too. At least for now.

9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. Including stuff that contradicts the old stuff.

10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American Continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Well, we think we do. This all sounds a little crazy, so we don't talk about it much, certainly not to non-Mormons. In fact we'd probably deny it if we thought it would help get you baptized (again, see Article 2). It's in the scriptures, so it must be true.

11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. Unless you are a Mormon, then we have a bunch of things you can and can't worship, certain places you can and can't go, certain things you can't talk about, and a lot of things can't do, and other you have to. But the members of the church are free to do/believe what they want. Unless they do/believe something we don't want them to. Then we excommunicate them and ostracize them as much as possible. And they are going to hell, and not the nice Mormon-Hell we mentioned in Article 5.

12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. Well, not all the laws. At least, not the laws against polygamy, unless they threaten to send troops. But now we obey that one, too. And if you can break a law to help get people baptized, that is probably okay, but don't get caught.

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, but never in Church meetings, where we stick to the lesson plan and are careful not to use any outside sources, because they might lead us astray. And we really mean that honest and true part. Stop laughing.


Best Top Ten List Regarding Mormonia:

Top ten reasons the Mormon Church is not a cult

12/19/2005 by Runtu

10. We took out the throat-slitting gestures.

9. Larry King likes us.

8. At least the weird-ass underwear doesn't show, like those freaks who wear turbans.

9. Unlike JWs, we don't officially shun apostates

7. Missionaries can call home anytime they want on Christmas and Mothers Day

6. The green apron matches my eyes.

5. Cults have charismatic leaders. We haven't had one of those since 1844.

4. Ask yourself, would someone like Gordon B. Hinckley be involved in a cult?

3. We encourage questioning, as long the answers are in the manual.

2. We don't hide embarrassing history; we just choose not to talk about it.

1. Three words: pay lay ale.


Best Sarcastic Remark Regarding Mormonia:

I have always found real Mormon history to be the most "anti-Mormon" literature out there. - 04/08/2005 - danboyle


Best New Name For LDS Church:

Ministry Of Rhetoric, Misinformation, Obfuscation and Nonsense - MORMON - 01/28/2005 - Non Sequitur


Best Acronym For FARMS or FAIR:

Fiction Articulated In Riddles - FAIR - 1/09/2005 - activejackmormon


Best New Name For BYU

"B-Y- who? Never heard of ya." - 01/02/2005 - Stray Mutt


Best Original Mormonia Limerick or Chiasmus

No limericks or chaismus were submitted for 2005

Comments Section

Truly we are living in an age of blessings to be witnesses to this marvelously wonderful burst of creativity. I know with every fiber of my being and beyond a shadow of a doubt that the 2006 Slamtoons are inspired and true. - 03/09/2006 - PtLoma

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