Best Original Mormonia Song

Men in green aprons and white cotton sashes
Uncomfortable garmies that give me butt rashes
Boring sheet music that sure doesn't swing
These are a few of my favorite things

Six foot tall moonmen who dress just like Quakers
Cureloms and cumoms and horses like tapirs
White baker's hats and CTR rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Brown colored peepstones and lost golden plates
Urims and Thummins and dozens of mates
Reformed Egyptian with rites for dead kings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the phone rings
And the ward calls
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Best Original Mormonia Limerick or Chiasmus

There once was a Mormon named Young,
He had multiple wives that were dumb.
When told they should run,
'cause they weren't number one,
they lied and said he's just well hung.

Best Original Humorous Post On An Internet List or Bulletin Board

The Book of Laman

1. I, Laman, the eldest son of my father Lehi, having been born of basically good, but delusional parents, do embark on the telling of my story, avoiding run-on sentences whenever possible, after this one. I was schooled in both Egyptian and Hebrew. I'm glad for my Hebrew education, seeing as how I live in Jerusalem and it's a good thing to be able to read can labels and street signs, but I'm not so sure I'll ever use the Egyptian.



2. You see, before my father started wandering the streets like a vagabond calling the people of Jerusalem to repentance, he was a merchant who had to travel to Egypt often, in addition to his church callings. It might have been useful to learn some colloquial Egyptian, but my old man thought we should take ancient Egyptian instead, apparently so we could read his old church books.



3. You can't imagine how incredibly tedious ancient Egyptian is. I used to tell Lehi, "Ancient Egyptian is a dead language. It killed the ancient Egyptians and it's killing me!" My father was not amused. Tact isn't one of my stronger qualities, as you'll soon learn.



4. I have three brothers, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi, and some sisters who don't have names. I guess my parents didn't think it was very important. They rarely even talk about my sisters. It's a wonder they weren't all pregnant and on drugs by the time they graduated from high school. But my parents got four sons, and that's what really matters in Jerusalem, 600 BC. Anyway, Lemuel is a pretty cool guy though he's kind of a puppy dog, and we have similar views about a lot of things. Sam is a little strange, but stays out of trouble for the most part. He doesn't say much. Nephi is Lehi's golden boy and a total suck-up. Nobody can stand him.



5. Here's an example. I've been telling Nephi for some time now that I was going to start writing down all the crazy stuff he and Lehi have been telling us, because frankly somebody needs to hold them accountable. Their "revelations" tend to get swept under the carpet whenever they become inconvenient. Either that or they morph over time or get interpreted differently. I'm really sick of being the bad guy for calling them on the carpet, and this time I'm really going to rub their noses in it.



6. Well, as soon as I said that, Lehi and Nephi went into spin mode and started writing their own books. Lehi's book is pretty out there. It goes on and on forever talking about vague symbols and how we're all going to be destroyed, but then Lehi is a paranoid schizophrenic and we all take turns keeping an eye on him these days. You know, to make sure he's wearing pants and that sort of thing. His book is way too abstract and will probably never see the light of day.



7. Nephi's book is just outrageous. Not only are his stories getting bigger and better every time he tells them, but Nephi is carving his cracked little masterpiece into gold plates. And I know why he's doing this too. He thinks it's going to validate him somehow, and make it look like his book is more relevant and official than mine. I just don't even care any more. My book is written on papyrus. I figure if it’s good enough for the Egyptian pharaohs, it’s good enough for me.



8. Anyway, the story unfolds as our hero, Lehi, the once wealthy merchant, wanders the streets of Jerusalem wearing a sandwich board and shouting at people to repent. Never mind that he’s just copying Jeremiah, which is worrying in and of itself. Jeremiah's long career in the naysayer business earned him a tomb somewhere in Ireland after a long tortuous exile, so Lemuel and I were waiting for the other sandal to drop.



9. One night, our father came home after an apparent lapse in his medication, and announced that he had "dreamed a dream." Lemuel and I expected the worst.



10. Our father said that several space beings had come to him and told him that he needed to take his family (have you ever noticed that it's always the crazy people that are the ones harping about family values?) and flee into the wilderness, because the city of Jerusalem would be destroyed. Like nobody had ever thought of that before.



11. It’s no secret that Jerusalem is the doormat of all its neighbors. While the Egyptians, Greeks, Assyrians, and Babylonians have been building their empires for centuries with advanced fighting techniques, chariots and war machines, well-made fortresses, and intricate philosophical writings, my country has been focusing on building a temple and making idle threats that God is going to come down and flame-broil anyone who threatens us.



12. While this may be a cheap and effective short-term domestic policy, the upshot is that Jerusalem gets destroyed every few hundred years by anyone with half an army and a desire to maintain an occupation force in a low tax revenue dustbowl.



13. In any case, our father was adamant. I figured the trip might be good for my skin, so I went along. Lemuel did whatever I did, like usual. We also thought someone should keep an eye on mom.



14. So, without any thought as to where exactly we were going on this little excursion, or that our father was forgetting something very important to him written on some brass plates, we packed a few shirts and trekked out into the great unknown.



15. However, Lehi did think to shanghai our neighbor Ishmael and his family into coming along, which was the one smart thing our father ever did. Ishmael does great barbecues and his daughters are hot, hot, hot, and this finally gave me the chance to get close to one of them. Another good reason to go along, IMO. I didn’t see Lemuel complaining either. Nephi, of course, said that we dragged our feet the whole way, but he just wishes that were true, because it would feed his persecution complex.

1. AND IT CAME TO PASS (pretentious enough for you?) that our two families, Lehi's and Ishmael's, set out into the wilderness with all the supplies that we thought we would need at the time. So much for inspiration. (That was foreshadowing, by the way.)



2. And behold, the sons of Lehi were red-blooded males and the daughters of Ishmael were most, most fair. And not much time did pass away before most of us had paired off. One notable exception was my brother Nephi, who was generally considered by all to be a wuss. Not to mention a real party pooper, as you can well imagine if you’ve ever read his book.



3. I actually started to feel sorry for him, until he announced over dinner one night that he too had "dreamed a dream." There was an audible groan.



4. Nephi claimed not only that he had seen the same series of visions that our father saw, which I won’t get into because they are beyond lame, but – BUT he tried to one up Lehi and said he was also told what some of the more abstract visions meant! Lemuel and I tried to mask our amusement, because we thought the Tree of Life symbolism was a pretty obvious double bind.



5. Nephi went on and on about his dreams and visions, while Lemuel and I cleared the table and did the dishes. Pretty slick, Nephi.



6. Our father, of course, was thrilled that Nephi was validating him so completely, and it wasn’t long before the balance of power in our family began to shift in Nephi’s favor.



7. Lehi worked out a deal with Ishmael to arrange marriage with one of the younger daughters. (Lemuel nailed her first, btw.) Nephi was also appointed by our father to lead the hunting party and was given the only steel bow that we thought to take with us. (More foreshadowing.)



8. I thought it was a great idea for Nephi to lead the hunting party, because I thought that would get him out of our hair once in awhile. That is, until it occurred to me that I was on the hunting party. D’oh!



9. For his first trick, our fearless leader broke our only steel bow while trying to string it. I found out years later that he also strained a groin muscle and walked around like a trooper all that day. I thought I’d record that here for posterity, as my duty to accuracy dictates. ;-)



10. Lemuel and I knew full well that the loss of the steel bow meant that we were going to have to do all the hunting, while Nephi sat under a tree and "supervised." We simply were not going to go along with it, so we said that our bows had "lost their springs," and Nephi was so dumb that he bought it. Note: mattresses have springs, not bows.



11. So, Nephi ran around setting traps and chasing squirrels and bunny rabbits, while Lemuel and I and Ishmael’s daughters snuck down to the lake, caught some walleyes, and got naked and really, really smashed.



12. When we finally stumbled back to camp, Lehi said that we had to go back to Jerusalem. Why am I not surprised?

1. After our little hunting adventure, Lehi called us all into his tent. He had set up a makeshift desk that he sat behind trying to look executive, while the four of us brothers sat in front of it. Lehi hadn’t made enough chairs, so Sam and Lemuel had to sit on the floor.



2. Lehi then spoke the words that I was starting to hate. "I’ve had a revelation from the Lord," he said, trilling his R’s. Nephi got out a pen and paper. Please note that I’m the one quoting our father.



3. "I need you to saddle up and get your asses back to Jerusalem." That was exactly what he said. "There is a man there named Laban there who has some brass plates. Ishmael and I have a bet. He thinks we’re descended from Manassah. I think we’re from the tribe of Ephraim. Only the brass plates will tell us for sure."



4. I asked Lehi why Ishmael was named that if he was descended from Isaac at all. I thought Isaac and Ishmael didn’t get along. Lehi told me not to get smart. I hadn’t even gotten to the issue of questionable parentage.



5. So, the four of us set out for Jerusalem. It was a long trip, because we had come a long way before Lehi suddenly remembered he needed these brass plates. Dork.



6. Nephi kept wanting us to ride four abreast. I thought it looked ridicules, like we were going to a shootout. So, Lemuel and I rode way out ahead. Ultimately, we had to keep waiting for Sam, who had diarrhea the whole trip and had to keep stopping.



7. After several days, we arrived back in Jerusalem, which had somehow not yet been destroyed. What an amazing surprise!



8. Lemuel and I had been working out what we were going to do the whole trip back to Jerusalem, while Nephi was riding with Sam. Our plan was to go back to the house, if it hadn’t been looted yet, and get all of our father’s gold, silver, and precious things to trade Laban for his BRASS plates. Seems like a good deal for Laban, right? And it was a good deal for us, because the old man would probably leave everything to Nephi anyway, so we weren’t out anything.



9. Well, as it turns out, Laban thought of a better deal. Once he had us in the door with all our gold, silver, and precious things, he called in his guards, and threatened to kill us if we didn’t get off his property – without the gold, silver, and precious things. Smart guy. Laban's guards chased us clear out of town.



10. So, we sat outside of town with no food, no money, and no plan, and we were all pretty depressed about the whole situation. We were also starting to miss the girls, and Nephi was getting whiny.



11. That night, Nephi and Lemuel and I got into a big fight, and Nephi stormed off and went back into town for a drink.



12. I know you've probably read that outrageous tale in Nephi's book where he says that Lemuel and I kicked his ass until an angel appeared and told us to get with the program. The truth is, all that happened was that Lemuel and I kicked Nephi's ass. We were tired of his incessant whining and grandstanding. Sam just sat there the whole time hugging his stuffed bunny rabbit and rocking back and forth. He'd probably tell Dad later. Wuss. Did you know he wore pajamas with the feet in them until he was 23?



13. Here's another E! True Jerusalem Story. You know that wild, self-aggrandizing story that Nephi wrote in his book about him finding Laban drunk in the street, cutting off his head, putting on his clothes (without getting any blood on them!) and fooling Laban's house servants into thinking Nephi was him? Sound a little hard to believe? Well, here's what really happened.



14. Nephi went down to the bar that night and met an old high school chum of his named Zoram. I think they were both on the Yearbook Staff. The two of them got talking, and apparently Zoram was now one of Laban's house servants. Talk about a lucky break!



15. Zoram said that Laban wasn't even interested in the brass plates, as they had turned green over the years and made his hands dirty. Zoram felt bad about Laban stealing our gold, silver, and precious things, and said he'd go back to the house and get the brass plates for us.



16. In exchange, Zoram wanted to come back with us, because Nephi said he could probably set him up with one of Ishmael's daughters or maybe one of our unnamed sisters. Zoram was pretty disgruntled working for Laban. Apparently, he had worked hard the last year and gotten a bad review and no year-end bonus, and moving out to the country sounded nice to him. So, it was a pretty good deal all around.



17. But, not without Nephi being his usual idiot self. Nephi and Zoram had gotten the brass plates from Laban's closet while he was out getting bombed with some of his old army buddies. Being the fathead he is, Nephi thought it would be fun to dress up like Laban and walk around pretending to be a bigshot. Zoram, understandably, was a little nervous about it, but we've all had to cave to Nephi's delusions of grandeur at one time or another, so nobody really gives him a hard time about having to be Nephi's servant for a night. Besides, they did manage to get the brass plates, and we all got to go home.



18. Nephi was walking all around town decked out in one of Laban's gaudy purple capes, pretending to be him. Nobody was fooled. Everyone knew he wasn't Laban, and they were rolling their eyes and playing along. I mean, Nephi doesn't look anything like Laban. Laban is a big, hardass warlord who works out maybe three or four hours a day. Nephi is a scrawny, pencil-neck momma's boy with no tan.



19. Oh, and he also made off with one of Laban's swords as a souvenir, I guess so that he could use it to validate his story about finding Laban drunk and cutting off his head. Nephi never even met Laban that night. Laban is alive and well today, and probably livid with Zoram that he disappeared with his sword and his brass plates. Anyway, I think that whole story about cutting off Laban's head is really macabre. It's bad, even for Nephi.



20. But all's well that ends well. The five of us took the brass plates and returned in triumph to the encampment. Well, Nephi took the brass plates, anyway. He wanted to hold them.



21. Our father was pleased. That is until he learned that he really was of the tribe of Manassah, and Ishmael won the bet. After that, he stashed the brass plates in an old trunk and we never saw them again.

1. After our little adventure back in Jerusalem, we kept moving. Zoram dated all the unattached women in our group noncommittally until he got one of them knocked up and Lehi held a shotgun wedding.



2. Eventually we made our way to the seashore. Lemuel and I hadn't been to the beach in years, and we planned a great beach party with the girls. We even invited Nephi, Sam, and Zoram.



3. We all knew that reaching the sea marked a turning point in our journey. We would either have to cross or start back. I didn't care what the eventual plan was. I was having a good time on this trip, and I was determined to maintain a positive mental attitude. I was going to be sure and get a few weeks of sun and fun on the beach and work on my tan. Maybe go snorkeling.



4. Nephi had other plans. He spent the next few weeks shut up in his tent drawing something up that he wouldn't show anyone. I figured anything that keeps him busy and out of my hair is a good thing, so I got a few good weeks in with my brothers and the girls before Nephi made his big pronouncement.



5. It was pretty funny. We heard a sound like a balloon caught in a vacuum cleaner. When we looked up, there was Nephi on top of a rock blowing into a conch shell.



6. "I've had a revelation from the Lord!" he said with a flourish. We all groaned. It was really a sad sight. He was looking more and more like Lehi. Even though I knew that Nephi wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic like our father, it couldn't be healthy to act like one.



7. It's not like we hadn't tried everything to help the boy. Especially Zoram. We'd given Nephi positive reinforcement when he acted normally, and ignored him when his narcissism asserted itself. Frankly, Lehi wasn't helping by telling him "The Lord is pleased with you, Nephi" every time he acted out. It was a losing battle. Also, Nephi was fish-belly white from staying in his tent all summer. He looked unhealthy.



8. "The Lord wants us to build a ship!" Nephi announced triumphantly. "Us?" I said. Lemuel turned to me and whispered, "Well, that explains what he's been drawing up in his tent. This is going to be good."



9. We followed Nephi to a tree stump, where he rolled out some plans for a ship, which were sketched on a large sheet of papyrus. In hindsight, I should have pointed out that they weren't on gold plates.



10. "These are the plans that the Lord has revealed to me," Nephi said. We looked at them with uncertainty for a long moment. Finally, I broke the silence. "Well, which is it? A sailing ship or a riverboat?" It had a mast, which held a single large sail. It also had a revolving paddlewheel in the back with belts and pulleys that led up to four peddle chairs. There were two levels with various rooms, including one large room labeled "Nephi's Office." Lemuel turned around to keep from snickering.



11. I ignored the ridicules use of peddles instead of oars and addressed a more subtle issue. "Nephi," I said, "There are only four peddle chairs here, but there are five men capable of peddling." Nephi explained that five is an odd number, and it would unbalance the ship. Also, he would not be peddling, because someone had to watch the compass. We all exclaimed "ahhhh!" and smiled in unison.



12. That reminds me that I haven't told the story of the compass yet. I'll take a few verses and do that. My brother Lemuel has this brass compass that he got when he was in the Navy. It's pretty well made and shaped like a ball, but a keepsake more than anything else, as he rarely goes sailing anymore.



13. Well, a few weeks before we made it to the sea, Lehi woke up, stepped out of his tent, and nearly tripped over Lemuel's compass, which must have fallen out of his pack in front of Lehi's tent door. The old man knelt down reverently, scooped up this compass and looked at it for a long time. We knew something was definitely up. "NEPHIIII!!!" He called out, and the two of them went back into his tent.



14. When they came out, they were calling it the "Liahona" and were speaking in reverent tones about how it would point them in the direction we should go, but only if we were righteous. If we were wicked, it would lead us in the wrong direction. Yeah, I know. Another double bind.



15. I've never seen Lemuel laugh so hard. He would not help me at all, as I tried to explain to my clueless brother and father that compasses always point north, no matter how we've been acting. Of course, they were right, and I was the wicked older brother, so for the next few days we went on a merry chase through the woods as Lehi and Nephi walked ahead holding Lemuel's compass like it fell out of the sky.



16. After awhile, I adopted Lemuel's attitude and just sat back and watched the fun. Lehi was leading this trip anyway, and we weren't having much trouble living off the land. Ishmael was the king of beef jerky, and there were enough fruits and berries around to keep us happy. Eventually, Lehi and Nephi got bored with Lemuel's compass, and never talked about it anymore. To their credit, they fastened it to the front of the ship and treated it like a regular compass when we crossed the sea, but that's another story.

Best Original Mormonia Poem

Here are some Mormon couplets -- I don't know that we teach that:

Love the prophet, serve the Lord.
Go to Church and don't be bored.

Twist and squirm, wiggle and writhe:
The only way to heaven is to pay your tithe.

Packer, Faust, Monson, Hinckley:
Rack 'em fast -- they're gettin' wrinkly.

Church of Jesus, Church of Smith,
Church of Business, Church of Myth.

Fifty polygamous wives have I,
Fifty more I'll have when I die.

Father in Heaven's tool ain't jelly.
Mother in Heaven's got a big belly.

Every member a missionary,
But nary a one a queen or a fairy.

Deacons are boys, Teachers are teens,
Young girls are toys, maidens aren't seen.
Elders are young men, High Priests are old,
Women are timid and do what they're told.

Oaks to Manila! Holland to Chile!
The Morg's desperation gives me the willies!

Meeting House! Stake Center! Temples? Lots!!
My House! Shopping Centers! My wad's shot!!

Egyptian Gods in my quad?
Smells a lot like big time fraud.

Best Acronym For FARMS or FAIR:

Fictional Animals Roaming Mesoamerican Sites - FARMS - Skunk Puppet

Best New Name For BYU

Hogwash School of Theology - HST - from Harry Potter

The Church of Mormon Mainstream of Latter-day Diluted Doctrine - Bruce "R Mad As Hell" McConkie

Best Sarcastic Remark Regarding Mormonia:

If all the world were a village...one would be Mormon - the village idiot. - by Grandpa Jim

Best Top Ten List Regarding Mormonia:

10. "Upon gathering my brides..."
9. Gushy impregnator in bed
8. Big underage nymph riots
7. Rabid spurting hegemony
6. Reprobate's guiding hymn
5. Geyser-groin hump-bandit
4. Bride-mongering Utah spy
3. Mighty persuading boner!
2. Urging bad pioneer myths
1. DISTURBING NYMPHO!! Agree?

I can only dream of the day that I could do as much damage to the Mormon Church as Gordon Hinckley has. - 03/15/2003 - from SatanChrist!

oh my god, i just logged on to this page and saw my slamtoon. what an honor, this is better than getting the priesthood and telling my catholic mother that it was ok that i left the church instead of going to seminary like she always wanted me to because i was now a PRIESTHOOD HOLDER ANYWAY! - 02/24/2003 - from Ganesh thank you for nominating me, i am so proud.

Excellent site! As an author, myself, I know how Smith made up the BOM. People will always want to be a member of some organization that tells them what to do and takes the stress off. What the hell. . . we all get by. - 12/15/2002 - from bwitt

Boy oh boy, I doubt anyone here is really lds. You seem like you want to hurt their church. And I think there is more too it then humor.. Too bad... - 11/02/2002 - Anonymous submission

Why not just rename them the bogusly Slanderous awards? - 10/20/2002 - from Not so nice

Thanks for last year's award

I got home from work tonight and discovered the eagerly-awaited package sitting on my place at the table. Yes indeed, it was the SALAMANDER AWARD!

I'll admit it, I've wanted to win one of these for years now. I'm glad the persistence finally paid off!

I've seen the photos of this award on latterdaylampoon.com, of course, but it's way, way cooler in person! Now I'm wondering, where should I display it? There isn't anywhere in my house that feels quite "worthy" enough. Maybe atop my computer monitor?

At any rate, after getting an up-close look at this award (especially one that is all mine!), I just had to let you know how totally *awesome* it is and say THANK YOU once again! - 06/12/2002 - Dr. Shades