2001 Salamander Awards

Presented at the second annual Salamander Awards at the "X2001 - An Ex-Mormon Odyssey" in Las Vegas, Nevada on February 24, 2001. Congatualtions to the winners.

Best Political Cartoon of Mormonia

by Steve Benson - Arizona Republic - 3/00 (learn more about Steve by clicking on his name)

Steve viewed by editor

Steve viewed by Holy Ghost

Steven Benson's Acceptance Speech Via Voice Mail - 03/20/2001

I just got this little box today on my desk. I shook it, I listened to it carefully. I thought it was like a bomb. I checked for a return address for maybe "Hofmann Utah State Prison." None of that. Then I saw "Latter Day Lampoon" and I thought, "My goodness, this is more dangerous than any bomb."

So I open it up and it was like uncovering the stone box. I looked down in it and there was this salamander. I tried to grab it and I felt this electric shock and I was thrown backwards. I have been told that I have to return to the Post Office every year on September 22nd and receive further light and knowledge from the lizard before I will be allowed to take the lizard home. But I am going to show the lizard in the box to witnesses and they will then testify by written word that indeed they saw, they felt, they hefted the lizard.

What an honor. I will put it right up there next to my Pulitzer. In fact I will take down my Pulitzer. There is nothing that can compare to the glory, the honor, the godliness, the fraudliness, the frogliness. Thank you very much for the honor.

Best Feature Length Mormonia Film

God's Army Saving the world one soul at a time.

Best New Humorous Web Site

The Deseret Tribune

Joe Santilli's "Match made in heaven because hell wouldn't have it" on-line parody paper.

Best Animated Graphic

A spoof simulating the installation of a PC operating system that the boss "brethren" of Mormonism would love to force upon their membership. (This DOES NOT actually download anything to your computer, but is hilarious to watch and read. ) Just click on the above image and then follow instructions.

created by Cezoram

Best Short Audio Clip of Mormonia

Mormon Rap - written, produced, recorded and performed by Walter Gregory of Sandy, Utah - The Walter & Hays Band

The Lampoon is looking for a link or outlet for "The Mormon Rap." This popular tune has drawn more hits here at KXMO than any other tune on the page. The Lampoon would like to help promote it for the benefit and enjoyment of it's creator and fans. The Lampoon is a non-commercial site and receives no compensation for promoting Mormon culture related material.

Best Reference to Mormonia On Television

The Simpsons (the aliens at the door...Homer answers with 'oh great, Mormons!'

Best Spoof Photograph of Mormonia

by Beli

Beli's Acceptance Speech Via Email - 03/20/2001

My femailman left me a package today, but she looked a little different. She was levetating, and had a white glow about her countenance. A booming voice said something about holy things coming in three's, and she left. When I came about to my senses, I opened the blessed package. The awards are cool..thanks! That's ingenius how you made them. They are a wonderful addition to my computer desk. I hope to add to my total next year and to be able to accept them in person.

Thanks again, (Editors Note: Beli scored three awards this year, thus his reference to "coming in threes."

Best Original Mormonia Song


Sung to the tune of 'The Time Warp'
It's astounding
How time is creeping
Boredom, takes it's toll
You're dosing off now
But, not for very much longer
It's time to, take control

I remember, doing the endowment
Secret handshakes, funny clothes
Then the movie would finish
And the veil would be calling

Let's do the endowment, again

It's just a slit, to the throat
And then slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's the five fellowship points
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the endowment, again

I think I'm dreaming
Nocturnally screaming
No way, can this be real
Down came Peter, James, John
I JUMPed and screamed MR. CARLSON?!?!

Let's do the endowment, again
Let's do the endowment, again

It's just a slit, to the throat
And then slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's the five fellowship points
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the endowment, again

Well I was sitting in the temple just-a doing my thing,
When Adam gave Eve such an evil wink,
Things really took off when Lucifer came around
And Elohim said, 'Why don't we ALL go down'
I put on my apron, tied my hat to my sash
Got up to the veil, in no time flat!

Let's do the endowment, again

It's just a slit, to the throat
And then slice of your bow wow wow owels
Put your hands, over your head
And then say Pe Le Ale
It's that 6th fellowship point
That really drive us insa-ya-ya-ane
Let's do the endowment, again

- Todd M

Best Original Mormonia Limerick

Internet Did Them

There once was a group of old men,
Who "propheted", others to bend.
"Take heed!" they all cried,
But the hypocrites lied,
'Til the Internet did them all in!

- Mark K

Best Original Humorous Post On An Internet List or Bulletin Board - Longer Versions

Book of Mormon Pictures

click on link
by PlayElder - 01/25/2000

Best Original Mormonia Poem

A True History of the Rise and Fall of the Mormon Empire

Apostates, go back in time with me.
Back to an age, twas Mormon free.
All the way back before Mormons began,
Before a Smith farm boy was a man.

There was a void, no temple sheets;
No rented slippers for your feets.
Back past your great-grandfather's youth,
Where everything that was -- was truth.

The sun gave grapes, and they gave drink.
The land was free for all to think.
Back when birdies, sweet did sing.
Back when wife was a singular thing.

The whitesome clouds and delightsome snow,
Brought love to all, to those below.
In those old days the air was sweet
Life was good and near complete.

Into this world was born a boy,
Who had a plan that gave him joy.
He said he saw some golden plates.
All must bring tithing, girls for dates.

Virgins did come, by the dozens,
Some were Sisters, some were cousins.
Then, babies fast as falling rain,
Into the cult they were to train.

And they with secret names begat.
Dreaming of planets and such as that.
The men were horny day and night,
Testosterone, their guiding light.

Red grapes ruptured, their blood, atoned.
They had no purpose; no one was stoned.
And on Fast Sundays starvation spread.
Saints became the living dead.

Sadness spread like a funeral pyre,
Not dispelled by the Tabernacle Choir.
Death and darkness ruled all the land.
Only the Tanners would take a stand.

The Mormon world was one big flaw,
Then Bill gates came with his new Law.
The Internet, as all could see
Might set the Mormon Zombies free.

An old Mormon did hallucinate,
And led his masses, computers to hate.
But through the dark and dank of it,
A ray of sun shone through the pit.

The light was named, I think Lampoon.
Repression shrank and withered soon.
The folks saw through the Mormon stuff
And knew their leader's brains were fluff.

And once again the earth was right.
Along with knowledge came the light.
The leaves did fall, then grow in spring.
The world was free, a beautiful thing.

03/09/2000 - By Jerry the Aspousetate

The Annual Hugh B. Nibley Mo-pologist Award

Presented to the Mormon apologist making the most outlandish, illogical leap of logic in defense of Mormonism

FARMS spokesman John Sorenson

"With [DNA] sampling, you may or may not find evidence of a connection to the Old World," he says. "If you do, that says something. If you don't, that says more research needs to be done."

From: "BYU Gene Data May Shed Light On Origin Of Book of Mormon's Lamanites", Salt Lake Tribune, November 30, 2000

nominated by Todd - 12/30/2000

Best Acronym For FARMS:

Failed Archaeologists Really Misapplying Science - R.T.P.

Best New Name For BYU

Bring Your Underwear - BYU - Beli

Best New Name For LDS Church:

The Cult Of Joseph Smith of Latter-Day Sheep - mikem1502

Best Sarcastic Remark Regarding Mormonia:

Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." While this, in itself, should show that there are no Mormons it is important to give the complete quote. It was "I doubt, therefore I think. I think, therefore I am." Since Mormons don't think, much less doubt, they cannot exist. - 11/25/2000 - Enoch - OralBearinSLC@aol.com

Best New Lyrics For An Original Mormon Hymn:

Use Your Brain

(sung to the tune of "Choose the Right")

Use your brain when a choice is placed before you.
Ed-u-ca-tion's light will be your guide.
And its power will skillfully protect you
When the unthinking come repeat their lies.


Use your brain! Use your brain!
Clear thought will guide your way before.
Please be sane, use your brain!
And you will find truth evermore.

Use your brain, skepticism is a virtue.
Occam's razor cuts the crap away.
There's no black and white to many questions.
Thinking will help you navigate the gray.


There are some who'll tell you to just o-bey.
They will say, "The thinking has been done!"
Use your brain, God made it for a reason.
Show them the thinking has just begun.


- The Meme Warfare Project's Silly Song Skunkworks by Darren L.