Ask Bishop Boozem

Bishop Bernard Boozem, your faithful savant of the Lord at your service. No question is too difficult, personal, spiritual, shameful, complicated, convoluted, twisted, disgusting, two-faced, hyporcritical, paradoxical, condescending or blasphemous for my powerful spirit of discernment.

My family and ward members all call me "Bernie" or "Bishop Bernie". The Mutual kids giggle and call me Burning Bosom behind my back. I don't consider this "speaking ill of the Lord's annoying, but just good clean fun, as long as they are only thinking about bosoms and not "petting" them.

So please submit your questions for me in the box at the bottom of this page. I'll pray fervently about your request and respond as soon as the Holy Spirit dictates an answer from my spirit to yours. If you don't like my inspired advice try the Recovery from Mormonism bulletin board.

As of 12/27/2004 I have counseled 49 troubled and tormented souls.


Dear Bishop,

Temple recomend interviews in Chattanooga, during the 1980's (I don't know if they still do this), included asking if you ever used a tanning bed, drank caffeinated drinks, used contraceptives during marital relations, or engaged in any unholy and deviant sexual practices with your spouse (oral or petting, anal had not even been imagined as a possibility).

I am no longer a True Believing Mormon, and I resent the church for a lot of the crap they made me suffer, but still can't get the guilt and brain washing out of my mind!

Dear Brainwash,

No joke, seek professional help. Do not make an appointment with LDS Family Services. Just take a "red" pill and call me in the morning.

Dear Hiccup, I mean Bishop,

I need some advice. About 8 months ago, my boyfriend of 2 years keft on a mission for the church. I was devestated when he left. About 4 months after her left I ran into one of my old friends. We started hangong out alot and got really close. Then we started dating. Now, that was all okay, until things started to happen between us. We began messing around, and one thing led to another. Now I am still a virgin, but barely (if that makes any sence).

My boyfriend (who is still on his mission) were almost perfect when we were together and never did anythign that we needed to talk to the bishop about. I love my missionary so much, but my biggest fear is that he won't want to be with me when he gets home.

I don't want to wait for two years if he's just going to say goodbye the second he gets home, what sould I do? Should I write him and tell him what happened? or should I just let it go and move on? I don't know what to do, HELP!

Dear Hormones,

That still small voice is whispering to me to "KISS - keep it simple silly." Translated this means; Since your boyfriend is more than likely "pleasuring" himself in the shower on a "regular" basis and you are pleasuring yourself on a "dating" basis, you are better off just calling this "hot" situation a draw and putting it to rest without discussing it with anyone.

Give him a big hug for the ol' Bishop when he returns home.

Dear bishup,

I am going to get babtized into a Babtised church. but i am already LDS so if i chooce one day to get married in the temple can i get rebabtized?

Dear babt,

If you do not know how to swim, please take some swimming lesson this Sunday instead of attending church services. You could drown entering a "baptized church."

As far as getting re-baptized in the Mormon temple, no problem! You can get re-baptized for the dead up to thirty times in one temple excursion.

I do hope you can keep your head above water with all of this heavy duty baptizing going on. Personally, I'd be swamped.

Oh, and don't forget to get your baptismal certificate "spell checked" because it looks like you spilled a few gallons of holy water into your computer.

Dear Bishop Bernie,

I think that you're the best. Now, where is my advice about sex (I'm a newlywed woman and I need "it" bad all the time) and is it "bad" to love it so damn much and want to do it all the time. Plus, will I be damned for it?!

Unmormonly yours, Pascale (Sherbrooke, Québec, Canada)

Dear Pascale,

You will "NOT" be damned. Rather, you will blessed through time and through all eternity for baptizing yourself in sex continuously. You may not be aware of this but you are already practicing the holy Law of Consecration that you will take upon yourself when you go through the temple for your endowment. Just between you and me here is a sneak preview.

PETER: (A temple worker pretending to be Peter, the ancient apostle who is still in an aroused state after seeing both Adam and Eve, naked in the Garden of Eden.)

"A couple will now come to the altar. We are instructed to give unto you the Law of Consecration as contained in the sex manual known as the Doctrine and Covenants. It is that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, passions and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the procreation and erection of the Iron Rod of God on the earth and for the satisfaction of Zion.

All arouse. Each of you bring your partner close to climax. You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these voyers at this altar, that you do accept the Law of Consecration as contained in the Doctrine and Covenants, in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, passions and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the procreation and erection of the Iron Rod of God on the earth and for the satisfaction of Zion.

Each of you bow your head and then go down.


PETER: That will do and I will do you."

I pray that you will keep enjoying the blessings of the temple endowment in your bedroom and for that matter any other room in your home, or yard, Winnebago, hot tub, elevator at work, etc.

Dear Bishop, I am having very serious doubts about the Mormon Church. But whenever I ask a member to help me the only answer I get is to pray about it. What kind of advice is that?!?!?

Are they serious??, I mean come on.

By the way, I seem to have lost my iron rod. Would you know a good shop to buy one? I'm scared to tell my Stake President that I lost it. He's gonna ask me questions like, "How did it slip out." and stuff.

Pray for me (and my rod)
Jim Slippery Slopeson

Dear Jim,

Any doubts your are having about the Mormon Church are serious because all such doubts end up being founded in reality. Go with your gut feeling and avoid that "still small voice" like the plague.

Oddly enough I did see your "lost iron rod" yesterday. I was in the local Deseret Industries picking up a new used suit for my Sunday meetings and saw your "iron rod" over in the fly fishing section. At closer inspection I was amazed to read the Re-formed Egyptian inscription on the handle, "Nephi's fly fishing iron rod used on the River Sidon."

I should have bought it to sell on eBay but I couldn't afford the $2.00 price tag. Maybe you better hurry on down to D.I. and pick up your own rod.

O.K. Bish..This is what I need to know. The Latter Day Lampoon seems to be Lampooning everyone but Faust. Reason? - Lorinda Rose

Dear Lorinda Rose,

My dear sweet spirit, what sophisticated questions you ask about alchemy, apostasy and GA's (Goethe Authorities).

The Lampoon is much to culturally stunted and spiritually delayed to parody Faust's archetypal legend of a conjuror who sells his soul to the devil, sealing his pact with a drop of blood, ultimately to suffer the fires of Hell, in that Goethe reveals through his drama various transformational processes working in the human soul, personified in Faust. Goethe struggles to weave the personal inner journey of Faust towards some enlightenment, together with the collective social forces that are undergoing transformation through the historical process, so here Faust is also a representative of Northern European humanity striving for evolution from the limitations and strictures of the 16th century Reformation to the new aspirations of humanity that Goethe saw developing during the 18th century Enlightenment era.

Now on the other hand if you are referring to James E. Faust of the First Presidency, then he must first demonstrate a presonality and some brain power prior to the Lampoon going after him. So far the Lampoon can detect nothing to parody.

Dear Bish:

I want to marry my lover. But, I don't live in a place where I can marry another man. My lover is a drag queen though, so do you think if we snuck into the Temple they would marry us without checking to see whether or not he has a little Joseph or not? Or do we just need to move to San Fran?

Dear Brother Sam Fran,

The Lord has directed me to offer you two options. This is truly a deal you can not refuse.

First: You and your partner head to Salt Lake and rent out the famous pioneer Social Hall. The Social Hall is the only place in Utah where traditional actually encourages this sort of familiarity, even if your drag queen partner is black. Here's documented proof.

"Jan 3,1854 - Brigham Young invites Elijah Abel, free black and ordained Seventy, to party with 98 other men in Social Hall. Some of these parties are male-only dances." - The Mormon Hierarchy : Extensions of Power by D. Michael Quinn.

Second: Hang out in San Francisco until Gordon Hinckley dedicates the San Fran McTemple. Sneek inside and then tie the knot, the sash, or the baker's cap or the robes of the Holy Melchizeldick Penishood.

Just in case your partner's little joseph is actually too little, a generous application of warm consecrated olive oil and the laying on of hands with a sincere prayer will promptly provide a marvelous work and a wonder.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I suffer from a rare mormon condition known as "closet alcoholism", which basically means I live off whiskey and beer most of the time just like Joseph Smith did. It all started when I began reading History of the Church in the evenings and found out that I could feel the spirit a whole lot better if I had a glass of it (or two), filled to the brim. But the situation is getting out of hand.

My bishop has asked me to bless the sacrament two weeks in a row now. The first time I was belching so much that someone else had to do it, and the week after that I forgot where I was and took a leak all over those little plastic cups. I tried going to AA, but my Stake President is always there. Can you help? I like your name by the way...

Kind regards,
Joseph Nephi Moroni HICley

Dear Brother HICley,

Your problem started with your "conversion therapy" when your parents or local missioinaries convinced you that Mormonism was the only way to go. The solution is "aversion therapy" which can be applied by any BYU trained counselor. I am writing a Bishop's order to LDS Family Services for that treatment right now.

Be prepared to drink a cocktail of fermented green Jell-O and rancid consecrated olive oil disquised in a can of Bud Lite. This will cure your closet drinking and your public peeing all over the sacrament.

Now sober up and get your home teaching done!

Dear Bishop Bernie:

Whenever I shake hands with a Mormon I feel the incredible urge to say "What is that? Does it have a name? Will you give it to me?"

Not being a mormon myself I'm hoping you will be able to tell me what this strange mantra means.

Yours truly,
Parsley P. Pasta

Dear Sister Pasta,

I hate to pop your bubble, but this is a common experience for souls who have recently come to Earth from the "Neo-pre-existence." The "Neo-pre" as we call it, is even closer to us "through the veil" than the Pre-existence.

You have a most righteous soul indeed. You are truly on the verge of becoming a Mormon. The next time you see Mormon missionaries, stop them in their tracks and request their permission: "May I ask you Elders the three golden questions through the veil?"

Shake their hands vigorously while repeating your three "urgent" questions. You will leave the elders in "shock and awe." They will gladly teach you all about this "Mormon mantra."

Dear Bishop Bernie:

Last sunday during sacrament meeting I suddenly had a vision. I saw a book buried in a hill written on plastic plates.

To cut a long story short: The only true church upon the earth is now The Reborn Firstborn Church of Relapsed Latter-day Rapturists!!!

Feel that doubt in your mind? That's the spirit witnessing to you that it's true.

Join us. You know it makes sense. I KNOW you know.

Prophet Martin M. Martin

Dear Prophet Martin,

Well it was great to see you come out to Church for a change. Of all the Sundays throughout the year for you to choose to re-activate your sorry apostate tabernacle, you would "have" to pick the one time I was not supervising the Priests at the Sacrament well enough. Boys will be boys.

Our token high school Lamanite staying with us as part of the Indian Student Placement Program loves to spike the Sacrament water with peyote. The rapture and hallucinations that ensue really liven up our testimony meetings. You are proof of this.

Best wishes for your new church. There's good money in it. You'll have tons of converts if you keep that peyote around.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I have a personal problem to relate to you, you see, I am terrified that it might be masturbaiting if I hold myself while going pee, so I tend to splash terribly while relieving myself, is there anything I can do to not splash so much?


Dear Needs,

The Lord has three easy solutions for you to use your free agency to chose from.

1. Simply pee sitting down on the toilet and let gravity be your best friend. Your wife (mother or girlfriend) will love you for this because she won't have to scub the walls and floor around the white throne. Or if she's smart, she'll make you clean up after yourself.

2. Only pee when you have spontaneous erections. Scientific studies show that this increases accuracy by 95%.

3. Only pee in the baptismal font while doing baptisms for the dead. No one will know and in such a spiritual environment, the tempation to fire up your little factory is almost nil.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

Today while humming old Donny Osmond songs, I got to wondering...are big teeth a sign of righteousness in the pre-existence? Please fill me with your knowledge, Dear Bishop.

Wondering Juan

Dear Juan,

From the size of your teeth it appears that you are well on your way to the big CK (Celestial Kingdom) in the sky.

You are onto one of the best kept secrets among the General Authorities. As we near the millennium, the special elect of spiritual children who have been reserved for the Last Days are now popping down from the big PE (Pre-Existence). The larger the teeth that the tots are born with the more righteous they shall become and the closer we are getting to the Second Coming.

If you don't believe me, just look at these photos I took of the last two babies to be blessed in my Fast and Testimony meeting here in the Cyber 97th Ward. Kids like this are taxing our ward budget because they are chewings through the armrest of the church pew while their parents sleep through the meetings.

Donny Osmond, as a harbinger was 30 years ahead of his time, but watch out for his grandkids! Why didn't I go into pediatric dentistry when I had the chance?

Dear Bish:

I need help! I've been training for the return of polygamy by dating 15 women at the same time... but they all found out that I'm dating all the other women! Please give some advice!

Wanna PullAJoseph

Dear Wanna,

Grab a pistol, get your ass to the Carthage Jail south of Nauvoo and snag a few of your deluded friends along the way. Hold up inside there until these fifteen women arrive with a ferocious gang of local Free Masons toting fire arms. When they storm the place take a few desperate shots and then jump from the upstair window while screaming, "Sorry about all that strength in my loins and sinews!"

While in mid-air, flip open your cell phone and dial 911. You'll need an ambulance pronto.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I just killed my neighbors dog. Where does HE go??

Kind regards,
Nick Moro

Dear Nick,

He, being your neighbor, goes directly to his Bishop who then will call me, your Bishop, who will call my Stake President to consult with, who will call your Stake President, who won't know what to do, who will call his Area President who happens to be in the Area next over to ours, who will call that Area President, who will call his supervising Apostle who happens to be Boyd K Packer, who will consult with our supervising Apostle, Dallin Oaks, who will acquiesce to Packer's seniority but mention the case to Gordon B Hinckley who will demand that Packer handle the matter without involving the media.

You will be required to make restitition by means of Blood Atonement at the hands of the local PETA chapter.

Please, next time, just knock off your neighbor and things will be a lot less complicated. And get rid of those tacky plastic gloves with blood stains on them, gives you away every time.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

Your answer to my previous question was less than satisfactory. I think you misunderstood. I want to know where the DOG goes.

Kind regards, Nick Moro

Dear Nick,

Don't feel bad about your handicap and extreme difficulties communicating with the English language. That's why Joseph Smith gave up and switched to Re-formed Egyptian. I suggest that you first learn Latin and then make the big switch to Re-formed Egyptian. Who knows you might even be able to work for Hugh Nibley at BYU as a translator of Nibley's pretzel spin apologetics for the Pearl of Great Price?

Let's see. I forgot your original question, but don't worry, it will all work out in the millennium.

Oh, about dogs. We have a vetinarian in the ward named, Dr. Lou Rawlston Purina. Catch him after the next Elder's Quorum meeting. If you go out with him on vet calls I'll let you count that as your home teaching quota for the month. By the way he's got a great singing voice and I hear he's trying out for the Mo-Tab Choir.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I have been talking to a girlfriend of mine lately who has decided to go back to the Chruch (After being away for about two years). I've talked with her about her decision, and I think she is doing the wrong thing by going back, because she is going back because other people expect her too (Yep, you guesssed it, we live in Utah).

I've told her all about Mormon cover-ups like the Adam-God theory, Joseph Smith being a polygamist, and all of the other fun ones. But, she refuses to believe me that any of it is true (Somehow because it doesn't jive with the Mormon veiw of things its "anti-Mormon" even though its objective information).

Now, I don't doubt my...ahem...unfaithfulness, but she is badgering me and being really weird. So far she's gotten her patriarchal blessing (She also dosen't believe me about the whole patriarchal blessing being from a form thing), and after she got it she wanted me to help her with a Tarot reading (which I used to do, but decided was just as bad as prophecy, although carrying them around the mall can be fun to shock people!). I just don't get it! How can someone be so two-sided on such an issue? And so blind!

The other issue is that she has quite a well-endowed bosom...I'm worried that she will burn her house down if her bosom starts burning!

Burning Bosoms & Inconsistencies

Dear Burning,

Your friend suffers from a condition known as Mormonitis-splitintoosus, a serious genetic neuro-spiritual disorder common in Utah due to the polygamous inbreeding. The only known treatment is the cerebral surgical procedure, Radical Kolobectomy which was developed by Dr. Parley P. Prattle, at The LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City.

In the meantime you must contantly maintain your girlfriend in the SCPMP (spontaneous combustion prevention misionary position). Your chest must be in continuous contact with her chest in order to detect sudden rises in temperature.

If you detect a bosomal temperature of 110 degrees or higher you must cease all forms of friction between the two of you. Turn down the thermostat on the hot tub, hop in and hope for the best. If no tub is available, rub generous portions of chilled consecrated olive oil between your two chests. This reduces both friction and temperature during these intense spiritual experiences.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

My name is Larry. I am a very active Mormon here in Utah. I need to know if after I die and become god of my own planet, will they say things like "Larry save the queen" and when someone sneezes "Larry bless you" and on and on?

Dear Larry,

Elohim recently consulted my on the same puzzle. No kidding, He wondered why his subjects would use His knick-name, "God" in such phrases as "God bless you", "God save the queen", "God dammit", and "Good God."

The Big Guy actually prefers for His subjects to use His proper name, "Elohim." So to please Him in every way and just in case He wants me for a Sunbeam, I now use, "Elohim bless you", "Elohim save the queen", "Elohim dammit" and "Good Elohim."

So Larry, when you reach Kolob, you will need to get used to hearing the following expletives; "Lawrence bless you", "Lawrence save the queen", "Lawrence dammit" and "Good Lawrence."

You could speed up the "getting used to having your name abused and taken in vain" process by encouraging your children to swear and take your name in vain during your next Family Home Evening.

Now if we just knew "Heavenly Mother's" real name.

Dear Bishop:

Is it true that my temple garmies will miraculously repel skidmarks? I have a friend in Provo (a friend who also claims to have drunk Postum with the Three Nephites, by the way) who swears to me that I can eat Mexican food 7 nights a week and STILL not get those embarrassing stains on my sacred raiments, all thanks to the intervention of Elohim from Kolob on high. Is this true, Bishop Bernie, or is he just yanking my Liahona?

Ima Lemming
Moab, UT

Dear Ima,

No, there is no "yanking" going on here, at least not of your Liahona. Elohim, in addition to being omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient is also omni-scotchguard.

The scriptures reveal to those who have eyes to see and noses to smell how powerfully Elohim deals with the curse of holy skidmarks. "Wherefore their way shall be unto them as slippery ways in the darkness..." - Jeremiah 23:12. And it came to pass that even the poor among the Nephites were blessed with unsoiled, slick garments void of skidmarks. "That they become slippery, that ye cannot hold them; and in the days of your poverty ye cannot retain them." - Helaman 13:31

So that takes care of the Mexican food, but you'd have to ask the Three Nephites about the Postum skid-like intestinal residue in their loin cloths.

Say Bishop:

Dost thou recall that the Mormons in Salt Lake City won the battle over the plaza at the church office building?

To commemorate the event, I wrote a song, I patterned it after other songs that I have hereto for hear, in particular "The Battle of New Orleans"

What do you think??

Thanks for answering all my questions. Keep up the good work, you hard working bishop.

Hey!, why is it that when the bishopric at my ward take the sacrament, they drink the water just like they are tossing back a shot. Do you take the sacrament like that too??

Thanks, Breedem Young

The Battle of the Plaza
Sung to the tune of "The Battle of New Orleans"
Best sung by "Rocky the Squirrel", AKA Rocky Anderson, mayor of SLC

In twenty o two, we rallied in Salt Lake
Along with Pres Hinckley, to make those Liberals quake
We took some canned wheat and we took some frozen pizza
And we beat the liberals bloody in the battle of the Plaza

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

We looked in Zion, and we seed homeless homos fret
Hundreds of them! Getting' free porno off the net
"No Justice No Peace" their protest they did sing
We stood behind the profit and did the Mo thing

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

Ol' Hinckley said "the Lord will smite 'em by surprise,
they won't whiz on our flowers, don't apostatize".
We didn't give heed to that pack of Liberal lies,
In F&T meeting "Rush is Right, Ditto-heads" were the cries

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

And they ran through Zion, and they ran through Deseret
And they ran through the archives where Dr Quinn wouldn't go
They ran so fast that the Elders couldn't catch 'em
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

We filed our torts till the ACLU melted down
So we herded up drunk Lamanites, and ran them out of town
We filled their minds with doubt and kissed their behinds
And when we pulled their gaming, they were in a bind

We filed our torts and the Lib'rals kept a comin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago
We filed some more and they began a running
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

And they ran through Zion, and they ran through Deseret
And they ran through the archives where Dr Quinn wouldn't go
They ran so fast that the Elders couldn't catch 'em
Up the interstate back to San Francisco

Dear Breedem - Thanks for the great parody tune. I also sang it to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." You will now find your tune posted in the "Mormmy's Section" of this web site.

One advantage to being Bishop is that after the Sacrament Service I can kick the "Aaronic Priesthood" out of the clean up closet so I can knock back a few more of those Jell-O shooters before the next round of mind numbing, brain blitzing, tediously tortuous meetings.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I've been out of the cult for about a year now. And I still have problems settling with my descision to leave. I know its the right decision, I was smothered there...I was a liar there...I wasn't ME there. But, I still have second thoughts.

My mother wants me to go back to church, so do two (of four) of my syblings. The other two syblings think its a great decision.

This feels kind of weird...I mean, I always just lied to my real Bishop in interveiws, I just "had" to be the good little mormon boy...and Goddamnit if I wasn't the best actor among the group, I knew (I know!) 10 times more then almost any mormon I've ever met about church approved doctrine (I don't know quite as much about the unapproved....but certainly 100 times more then any mormon!)

I suppose I may just be trying to fight back my long time conditioning...but I don't mind going to hell, even if that is where I am going. But, I still seem to have doubts, despite settling many of my demons....err.

My soul searching has also gone into the area of the Occult...I study everything, from summoning, divination, witchcraft, and whatever else I happen to stumble upon in my travels. Just wondering...what do you think will happen if I let it be know I'm an Occultist to all of the mormons I associate with (I live in Utah...)? I love being social is the problem, and I don't particularly want to be ostrisized, then again I don't suppose I can have my cake and eat it too.

Thanks, Crying Occult Platypus

P.S. Please, anyone else with a similar dilema feel free to email me, I'd love to talk to you.

Dear Occult - From the looks of your picture you will fit right in with the home teacher types who do their duty the last evening of the month. You obviously have not been through the temple for your endowment, otherwise you would know how "a cult" the LDS cult-ure really is.

I counsel you to "come out" to your family and local church leaders at your ward Halloween party in a few weeks. No one will be shocked at all. Get your temple recommend, get a Patriarchal Blessing online, then hit the temple and learn some really wierd signs, tokens and penalties. The temple endowment makes a Ouija Board look like Bingo.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I have a big problem, since I returned from my mission to the "Ulaanbataar Outer Mongolia Mission" I feel very very attracted to our beloved prophet Gordon B. Hinckley. It is really becoming a problem, I can't fulfill any noteworthy church-calling anymore because I just HAVE to "follow the Prophet" everywhere he goes.

And here it comes: I have just been ordained Bishop of our ward! Now how on earth am I going to be a worthy bishop if I have to spend the entire wards tithing money on plane tickets to follow lovely lovely Gordon around the world every time he goes abroad to open a temple? The police have already warned me, they call it "stalking" but they don't understand.

Please help me out, I can't take it anymore and I just KNOW Gordon loves me.

Kind regards, Bishop Laman-Nephi Olsen

PS: You don't have Gordon's phone-number by any chance do you?????

Dear Bishop Olsen - Your followership of Gordon Hinckley has a simple explanation along with a simple remedy.

Your condition is akin to "SSA - Same Sex Attraction" except your diagnosis is "SPA - Same Prophet Attraction." This SPA condition is extremely rare only occuring in .000000172 percent of the entire historical human population. This figure equals the approximately 115 billion humans that have been born on the planet so far divided by the number of actual prophets called and ordained so far.

Deseret Mutual Benefit Association, The Church's health insurance HMO labels this malady a "pre-existence condition" and is not a covered benefit under the Plan - of Salvation.

The spirit of discernment reveals unto me that you were for-ordained in the "pre-existence" to one day become the puppet, steer and alligator of the LDS Church. Open your spiritual eyes to the fact that you and Gordon once walked arm in arm towards the throne of Elohim. This explains your current obsessive attraction towards Gordon.

The remedy is for you to pull up stakes and move behind the Zion Curtain in Utah and go to work for Church Security. There you will eventually be assigned as Gordon's personal body guard where you will follow him 24 hours a day.

Gordon's personal toll free phone number is: 1-866-865-0220. Try him, he's standing by awaiting your call.

Now, go my son and whine no more.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I currently live in American Fork, Utah, I am non religious (which means everyone has to try and convert me). I currently attend high school, and I'm gay. I have been informed that a very large portion of Lehi High School's senior class is gay too, unlike American Fork, where there are 3 or 4 of us out of the closet.

Now, seeing as you are a Bishop, I was hoping you could give me advice on the proper way to ask another man out, and I was hoping for some first date tips. Is it permissable to screw on the first date? Or should I hold out until the second? How do you decide who pays for the date?

The other question I had was, how do I manage to ask someone who's in-the-closet (but obviously queerer then a cucmber on a corn tree...yes, that is supposed to be inuendo) out without making them mad at me for almost reveling them?

Sincerly, Gay-who-needs-to-make-love

P.S. Want some? Bishop your soooooo sexy!

Dear Gay - Here is a simple butt inspired solution for you. Simply start a new church in your area called "The Church of Gee Such Tricks of Latter-day Gays. From there you can also start a "release time Semenary Program." Any of you from American Fork or Lehi can simply attend any time you need a "release."

You'll have plenty of social contacts and can start your dating from there. Don't forget to charge them all ten percent of their gross income. Just remember, WWJD. Which stands for Who Would Joseph Do.

P.S. Yes, I realize that I'm too sexy for my garmies. Thanks for the offer but I'm already getting plenty of that "delight-some."

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I have an old girl friend who I think might be the perfect candidate for the first woman to recieve the Priesthood.

First, I know she is female because she got drunk once about 5 years ago and I took advantage of her. I can testify that she has every outward physical feature of a normal young woman. She is about 5'8'' and a little on the thin side with small but cute breasts. She never totally forgave me and ran off and repented, I guess. At any rate she was married in the temple to some stiff shirt fresh home from a mission about 2 years ago.

They wanted to have a bunch of children but after trying a long time she finally gave up and went to the doctor to see what was wrong. As it turns out, she has a rare condition called testicular feminization. She has the genetics of a male with one X and one Y chromosome in every cell in her body, and she started out life in her mother's womb as male. So I presume that she was male in the pre-existence? But for some reason her developing body was resistant to the male hormones at a very early stage. The adrenal glands in both sexes make small amounts of female hormones so she grew up into a woman in this life. She has totally normal external female genitals and a vagina but no uterus. Her gonads were inside of her body, sort of in a position where one might expect to find ovaries. But they were not ovaries, they were testicals. And they didn't work and there was nothing to hook them up to even if they did work. And they were going to get cancer in them eventually so she had to have them removed. Also, she never had her monthly periods but she didn't think much about it except how lucky she was not to have to deal with that.

She is not attracted in the very least to females in a sexual way and she has the normal amount of interest in sex with males for a woman of her age, which is actually quite a bit.

When her husband found out that he had been married for over a year (and banging her practically every night) to a genetic male, he was just too freaked out. His Bishop agreed that it was probably best, especially since he wants to have lots of children, if he divorced her and "found a real woman." Now she wants to get back with me and whatever, and I'm going to have to think about it first. We've had numerous long talks where I've tried to be supportative and sympathetic to her plight and her divorce is not final yet.

But since she is a genetic male don't you think she should be given the Priesthood?

Dear Testicular - You are missing the whole point about priesthood ordination qualifications. It is not all about testicles or ovaries but about flatulence production. Only those who can produce prodigious volumes of methane gas during Sunday church meetings in those poorly ventilated class rooms qualify to be ordained into the Holy Priesthood. Now if your ex-girlfriend can "put out" in more ways than sexually, let's warm up those laying on of hands for her ordination!

Dear Bishop Bernie:

This is way too embarrassing for words, gol durn it! Nevertheless, I may as well get it off my chest and outta my shorts.

I eat a lot of Mexican food, y'know, and the, eh, "skidmarks" in my temple garmies just won't come out!

I've tried bleach, lye, power washers and Brillo pads, but nothing seems to take those nasty refried bean stains outta my holy underwear.


Mosiah M. Lunquist
Butt's Hole, NV

Dear Mosiah - Lucky for you the Lord's bowels are full of mercy along with all the usual waste products. You have two "special" solutions to your soiling horrors.

First, swallow a generous gulp or two of holy consecrated olive oil along with your salsa and refried beans. Not only will you feel lubricated but the holy oil coats the cotton fibers of your garmie bottoms, thus preventing those nasty skid marks from even thinking about sticking to your patriarchal pavement.

Second, just don't wear garmie bottoms anyway. Nobody will notice because they only look for that neck line through the shirt anyway. Just wear brown boxers and you'll only need to laundry about half as often.

And by the way, I have it on good word from a fellow ward member who works in the Temple Department that the next endowment revision will include this phrase "...that you may be washed, annointed and cleansed from the blood, sins and skidmarks of this generation..."

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I am an actual Brother, the only African-American in my stake. I converted to the LDS from Rastafarianism when a missionary visited me while I was heavily under the influence of Ganja. It seemed like everyone was full of brotherly love and that the whole thing was true at the time.

Now, I am starting to think there is some prejudice around this ward. I am always the last person to receive the sacrament. And some of the comments from my brethren have started to bother me. No one wants to hear my testimony because "we don't have anyone to interpret from ebonics to God's delightsome language, English." Recently a learned brother, who has five hot, single, twenty-something and younger daughters and is said to be less than $10,000 in contributions from making it to bishop, counseled me in the virtue of taking a non-member as my wife so as "to bring another black soul to the true gospel of Christ."

At the last Fast and Testimony meeting, one sister asked me if I was having trouble paying attention to the endless series of testimonies with "all those thoughts of watermelon and fried chicken dancing thru my mind." But it almost reached the boiling point last Sunday when an elder asked me if I ever have trouble fitting "my "iron rod" into my garment."

Enough is enough! This is not the sixties! These crackers are acting like they think I am going to be a porter on the train to Kolob! Am I wrong to think that all brothers should be treated as equals? -- JeJoseph DaNephi Smith (No relation to the Prophet)

Dear JeJoseph - You are an astute observer with your very own powers of discernment revealing unto that there is a Kolossal Kolobian difference between "The Brethren" and "The Brothers." Remember, you can't go wrong when you follow "The Brothers." What ever you do, don't "follow the brethren."

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I've got some questions about this whole blacks now holding the priesthood thing. I know that since 1978 Jehovah has said that blacks can now hold the priesthood. But why are there black people still being born, if everyone is worthy now?

And here's another question: I know blacks were 'fence sitters'; that's why they are black, but what the hell did hermaphrodites do! Seriously what the HELL! Are they are cursed for doing something awful, like mooning Elohim, or catching Adam, --the only God we have to do-- tossing off to pictures of a fig-leafless Eve? Or perhaps it was that hazing incident with Jehovah in the premortal gymnasium at the premortal high school. C'mon, Bishop, use that power of discernment!

Double Plumbed

Dear Double Plumbed - My perplexing powers of discernment which regularly revel in revelation have revealed that all the answers to your predicaments will be obtained in Millennium whilst we all play a huge game of "Truth or Dare" moderated by Jesus, Joseph Smith, Alex Trebek and Oprah.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I'm a mormon but will soon fall away from the church. Reasons? Gay people will never make it to Celestial Kingdom so why bother? I don't want to just walk away like others. I want to have a long chat with the missionaries about my "problem" (even if I know the conversation will go nowhere, they will probably tell me to go and see if the Bishop can convert me to heterosexuals). So, can you help me to find a nice way of addressing my problem to them?

Dear Never make it - Here's some inspired advice that works every time. Use your "Gay-dar" to sense when a "in-the-closet" gay elder is in your area and inform him. Look him right in the eye and gradually let a huge shit eating grin grow across your face as you invite him to join you in leaving the flock.

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I laughed so much while reading your replies I peed my proper British knickers! I'm a very happy ex-Moron....oopps....Mormon (giggle)

It's so nice being a real person instead of trying to be a perfect robot Mormon woman. I read this the other day ...I dont know who said it ...

"Since no one really knows anything about God. Those that do are just trouble makers "

And this one could have been said by all the ex-Mormons ....

"I was once spiritually ill---we all pass through that---but one day the intelligence in my soul cured me "

Keep up the fun. love, Star Sailor Cat

Dear Star Sailor Cat - Would you accept a calling to serve as my Relief Society President. We'd have a blast in Ward Correlation meetings!

Dear Bishop Bernie:

I will spare you the flattery you deserve and cut to my problem. About a year ago, I met the most amazing and extraordinary lady in an Institute class. I will call her Selma for the purposes of this letter since she does quite resemble a famous person by that name. I could tell by her remarks and her prayers in class that Selma was special. However, she had a ring on her finger and sat by her fiance holding his hand most of the time. I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to girls and by definition all the best girls are already taken, so this did not deter me.

My prayers were answered when Selma found out that her fiance, (the nephew of a GA) was cheating on her with a high school cheerleader. By Christmas Selma was holding my hand. I intended to have a ring on her finger by graduation but somehow I never found the perfect moment to propose to her. Selma took a summer job back home in Spokane and I moved on to Grad School. She was going to move to near where I now live this fall so we could continue dating, but she never showed up for various seemingly good reasons.

Recently, I was inspired to write a letter to Selma and propose marriage to her by old fashion mail. This sounded so romantic and it would create the ultimate family history momento. In response, Selma called me on the phone and told me the truth behind why she had not left Spokane.

Selma reports that she went to a party in August and had one sip of Tequila and that it must have been spiked because then she passed out. She woke up the next day naked on the ground in a pear grove wrapped up in a sheet with this Mexican guy she had no memory of ever meeting. Selma considers this episode as a sort of date rape even though she didn't agree to date the guy once. Of course, being a virgin, she was not on the Pill and so she got pregnant.

Her mother was foolish enough to seek advice from their Spokane Bishop. He thinks that Selma should go somewhere far away from her teenage sisters to have the baby and put it up for adoption in a nice Mormon family. Selma does not want to give up this baby. She is the oldest of 7 and her mother would raise the baby as her youngest "sister." Selma's recently divorced parents are originally converts from Chile but of European ancestry, and so the presence of this child would raise difficult questions regardless.

I have prayed about it. I believe Selma and to her surprize, I would still like to marry her in spite of the current problem. She remains the same amazing person whom I have loved for over a year. Even if she did make one bad choice last summer, I would be willing to forgive her. If I had been following the Prophet and married her more quickly last year as they teach we are suppose to do, this would not have happened. She is probably going to marry somebody eventually, so why not me? Obviously now, the sooner the marriage is performed, the easier it will be to spare this child the shame of knowing that it is illegitimate.

The Spokane Bishop said that Selma is no longer worthy of a Temple recommend even though she was basically raped. Is this true? He says that Selma should not have even been with people like that in the first place, she should not have drank tequila and she should have fought harder to save her virtue. The fact that Selma did not even bother to call the police highlights the fact in his mind that it wasn't really a rape. The Spokane Bishop believes, without any evidence, that provocative little Selma has been slutting around the orchards all summer and finally ran out of luck."

I think Selma should move close to me as soon as possible. Then we should go in and lie to my Bishop and get married in the Temple before her gravid state becomes obvious. This is my best chance to achieve the dream of a Temple marriage to Selma. Do you think it would be OK for us to lie to the Bishop under these extreme circumstances?

Also, another issue, do you think it would be OK for her to move in with me and to discretely sleep together before the marriage since she is already pregnant and no further harm would be done by it? This would save the Elder's Quorums from moving her twice instead of once and it would sure save us some money in rent. She is so beautiful and she says she would be willing, so now it will be very difficult to resist her. Or should we be strong and wait until after the Temple wedding? I know that my Utah Pioneer ancestors believed that once a woman was definitely pregnant, further intimacy in or out of marriage was extremely unhealthy and strongly forbidden. But that is going a bit too far, isn't it?

What words of wisdom do you have for me? - 11/06/2002 - from Covering Another Man's Sin

Dear Covering, Hey, lying to your bishop is no big deal. The members of my ward always lie in their temple recommend interviews. I like it when they lie because it saves me lots of time by not having to hassle with those annoying repentence details. What a drag.

I'd recommend that you two have as much wild sex as possible prior to the birth of Selma's baby. Maybe after you exhaust yourselves sexually you'll determine if you really love each other or are just "lust puppies." All that letter writing to the First Presidency about cancellation of temple sealings and temple divorces is a pain in the ass for make sure you do this right.

As far as getting Selma in the sack, maybe you can take some pointers from Jose de Erecto Grande who has the next paragraph down in this advice column. Of course, if you had the faith to move mountains, you could call down the powers of heaven for a miscarriage for poor Selma.

I'll let you in on a little secret. The Greek word for "immaculate" is a synonym for "inebriated". So Elohim probably used the age old technique of offering Mary one eternal "round" too many prior to the "inebriated conception". That's why Joseph was so pissed and Mary remained clueless.

I am putting both of your names on the temple prayer rolls tomorrow. You need all the help you can get.

Bishop Bernie, I have a terrible problem.

I left the Morg (slang for Mormon Church) 1 year ago or so, it was after being found guilty of looking at porn sites on the internet. Because the bishop made me read the Book of Mormon for first time (yes he forced me), I came up with the conclusion that the BOM was fake. I can not stand those lacivious writings of "hold to the iron rod" as I have my own iron rod...well whatever.

My problem is that I am still single and I have to give bone to some sister. I have seen that one comming frequently to see me, she has a very cool ass and I don't want to tell her I am exmo. There is another one I meet as well. Should I give her bone? I purchased those pills that make a woman feel excited, I have been planning to give her the pill, getting married, and confessing the truth. I think the Lord is gonna forgive me cuz afterwards I have been follower of a fake gospel.

Please tell me what to do. Should I give her bone, or not? (The iron rod) - Jose de Erecto Grande

Dear Jose, You certainly are stuck between a rock and hard place. You are obviously a bright young man because you figured out the Book of Mormon was a hoax from reading it only once. But you are also plagued by thinking only with the smaller of your two heads.

Instead of asking me if you should give her "bone" you should ask her. Unless she is a dog, she may not automatically want your "bone." If you marry her under a false pretense, the Lord may forgive you, but she sure as hell won't. Then your life will truly go straight to hell. Then, instead of pills that excite her, you'll be court ordered to buy her Prozac. And unless she likes to watch porno with you, you'll soon be in the dog house chewing your own "bone" all alone. Adios amigo, Bishop Bernie

Bishop Bernie,

I think it would be great if rather than using your obvious intelligance in distructive fashions, maybe you could find a cure of cancer. Maybe you could promote the good you find in the world(regardless of religious affiliation), and make it a better, and more enjoyable place, instead of breaking people of what you see as delusions-thus increasing the LDS suiside rate. (and decreasing the membership even more. Or is that your plan? You little son of Lucifer) - Joseph

Dear Joseph,

What a coincidence! As I was contemplating the eternities in midst of a lull in the action during Fast and Testimony meeting I was inspired with a cure for cancer.

Now with the temple garment be a shield and a protection for the body why not just create edible "sacred markings" of the square, compass, navel and knee for internal eternal protection. We will administer these edible marking to the saints in lieu of the emblems during the Sacrament Service and wash them down with consecrated olive oil.

Wow, I mean "Holy 'Holy Ghost' Batman", this means the members of my ward will actually become immortal as the Three Nephites and shall not taste of death due to cancer or drive by shootings. I pray that nobody will choke to death eating those edible markings.

And yes, my dear Joseph, it is a good thing that the church is true because if word got out that the church is false, 33 percent of the ward would commit suicide.

Bishop Bernie.

As an honorable missionary in the lord's service, I found myself in a dilemma. I discovered that after one month of masturbatory abstinence, I frequently experienced grave headaches, undue stress and general discomfort. I decided that as a matter of mental health I would allocate a masturbatory session at least once a week to relieve pent up stress. This helped tremendously to focus on the Lord's work at hand. I experienced greater success, happiness and general health in the mission field because of it.

My question is this: Is this a secret the General authorities reserve for themselves. If so, why not share the great blessings poured out by heaven with a weekly masturbating session? And as a helpful suggestion to help future missionaries in the field, why not go a step further and allow a weekly sister / elder missionary pairing to allow the sister to masturbate the elder? Seems like solid reasoning to me. - Tyler the Archangel

Dear Tyler,

Your reason is righteously right-on but sister masturbating the elder is sexist. You are hereby called to repentance for not suggesting that the elder in turn masturbate the sister. Expanding your inspired logic even further will allow those missionaries with same sex attraction to masturbate each other.

Having been a missionary and currently an aspiring mission president, I recommend that mandatory masturbation be included in the missionary reporting system. Once a week each missionary must have one stress and tension reducing orgasm at the laying on of hands or by the gift of tongues. This is usually best performed just prior to the weekly district meeting so that the act can be duly noted. "By the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established." D&C 6:28

All orgasms must be enjoyed while wearing both top and bottom of temple garments and under no cirucmstances is penetration by the power of the penishood allowed. The singing of stress reducing hymns while working towards orgasm is recommended. "Hold to the Rod, Come Come Ye Saints, Ere You Left The Room This Morning and Upward Christian Solders are popular favorites."

This pattern was established in the 1890's by the General Authorities in their weekly Salt Lake Temple meeting after stress and tension built up to intolerable levels post polygamy being banned. The little know secret explains why the apostles appear to be so serene, comfortable and peaceful during their General Conference talks and have huge grins on their faces when greeting the multitudes.

With this weekly Holy Melchezedik Masturbation Program in place, the missionaries can regain focus on their work, baptisms will double and fornicators will no longer shipped home in pine boxes as the temptation to sin will be removed. Just the savings in lumber from not building all those pine boxes will pay for the printing of stain proof instruction manuals for the missionaries.

And Tyler, thanks for the reminder, it's been just over a week for me so I gotta beat it.

Dear Bishop Boozem:

I have often wished I myself could have written such a glorious book as our Book of Mormon. But I get writers block whenever I try. I was thinking perhaps some seer stones could be helpful. What do you think? Do you know where I can purchase some seer stones or other items of Urim and Thummin paraphenalia? Your response will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Eric Hall - 13th Ward Kolob Stake, Springville Utah

Dear Eric, To order your especial seer stones just go to Deseret Book's auction site. Since the Mormon Church is actually shrinking in numbers, the First Presidency in "desperation vs. inspiration" is selling the entire contents of its vault to the highest bidder. You can probably pick up a few priceless Nephite coins as well.

Surely this will release your writer's block. Who knows maybe the General Authorities will even sell their "signs, tokens and penalties" along with their very souls just to make a buck?

Bishop Bernie: I am trying to study the Book of Mormon but I am sleepy after 1/2 page, how may I improve myself without reading that. Also are there any connections betweel LDS and LSD? Is it something what may help to increase faith?(it might be funny to put some of this to sacrament water in a testimony sunday, or during general conference) - from

Dear Elway: I can relate. I fell asleep reading "How to Pray and Stay Awake" by Max Skousen. You're in good company because Mark Twain dubbed the Book of Mormon "chloroform in print." Instead of reading the Book of Mormon, use it for a head rest while you sleep through Fast and Testimony meeting.

Our very own High Priest group leader, Timothy Leary often spikes our sacrament water with LSD. Brother Leary's "manna from heaven" certainly does lead our ward members up the stairway to heaven. Attendance at Fast and Testimony meeting has tripled since Brother Leary stepped in to serve as the Aaronic Priesthood advisor. For our next youth conference Brother Leary plans on "hieing" our youth to Kolob and back. So, please join us.

Bishop Bernie: Late last night as I was praying I felt a burning in my bosom. I continued to pray but started to smell smoke, like a pork product was being burnt. Come to find out my tits were on fire. You can only imagine the pain I felt afterward, but should I start making attempts to put the fire out, or should I offer my hooters as a burnt offering. Is this the baptism of fire that everyone talks of? Help! - Mammary Meltdown

Dear Sister Mammary: Yes, this is indeed the baptism of fire that has become so famous in Mormondom. In the brethren who pray devoutly a similar spontaneous combustion takes place as their little factories heat up and their smoke stacks expand under the pyro priesthood pressure.

Augmenting this spiritual rapture with a combination of lighter fluid and consecrated olive oil brings one to the flash point of eternal bliss that only the current inhabitants of Kolob enjoy.

Yo Bishop: Dude, I am dying here, this is hilarious. I am a member of the Church but am leaving very soon. I just wanted to say thanks for making my day a little funnier.  This is too funny. - Chris Stowe

Dear Brother Stowe: My firm counsel to you young man is that "nothing can be too funny!" It is obvious that you have not been through the temple yet and viewed with your own eyes, the hilarious clothing worn therein. Before you scurry on out of the Church at least go through the temple once, then you can have the last laugh that lasts for all time and all eternity.

With all of your loud laughter going on, you must not read the Book of Mormon, as you could laugh your head off over it. Don't believe me? Just ask that party boy named Laban who thought Nephi was just playing a practical joke on him.

Brother Stowe, if you do change your mind and remain a faithful member I counsel you work hard and brown nose your way all the way to the top and make prophet some day. The reason the Mormon prophets live so long is from all the laughter they enjoy. Each night as they go to bed they can't stop giggling over how they have duped millions of suckers out of ten percent of their gross incomes.

Alway remember, "A loud laughter a day keeps the home teachers away."

Dear Bish:

You are a pretty funny guy.  I have a problem.   I helped in the roadshow, we were going to do a Gilbert and Sllivan piece.

I did some work on it.  But I was censored!!  Is censoring part of the Gospel?

I think it got canned because I'm a half bred Mexican.

I include the entire piece, to allow independent conclusions

Thanks,  Brother Breedem Young

The guy singing this is Elder Stanley, and it is to be sung to  " I am the very model of a modern Major-General".

I am the very model of a modern Authority General,
I've lots of information ecclesiastical and folklorical,
I know the prophets of the Kingdom, and I quote the Gospel historical
From all the cities of the Saints, with an agenda quite rhetorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters economical,
I understand Mary Kay, Amway, and all efforts entrepreneurial,
About food storage, I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many uplifting facts from the last Church Snooze

With many uplifting facts from the last Church Snooze
With many uplifting facts from the last Church Snooze
With many uplifting facts from the last Church Snooze

I'm very good at sticky issues of theology;
I understand statistics, mystics, and phenomenology
In short, in matters ecclesiastical and folklorical,
I am the very model of a modern Authority General.

In short, in matters ecclesiastical and folklorical,
He is the very model of a modern Authority General.

I know our mystic history, miracles, the seagulls and crickets
The safe haven, is clean shaven, and I've season Jazz tickets
I know the ins and outs of writing up a court request
I obfuscate with tact, ahhh, polygamy post Manifest
I can tell undoubted letters from phony Salamanders,
With me around, no need to write Ann Landers
When there are tattoos, I declare them sinister
"Get back to work" I have the Kingdom to administer.

Get back to work" I have the Kingdom to administer.
Get back to work" I have the Kingdom to administer.
Get back to work" I have the Kingdom to administer.

Then I can vote far-right Republican,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Rush's plan
Come, Come, Ye Saints, I heartily sing
Then fend off apostates with my CTR ring
In short, in matters ecclesiastical and folklorical,
I am the very model of a modern Authority General.

In short, in matters ecclesiastical  and folklorical,
He is the very model of a modern Authority General.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "discouraged" and "appropriate"
When I can tell at sight a return missionary from a reprobate,
When controversies like homosexuals I'm more wary at,
And when, I know precisely the meaning of bureaucrat,
When I have learnt what progress has been made in archeology,
I'll Bible-bash with any scriptorian from seminary
In short, when I've a smattering of historiography, 
You'll say a better Authority General has never sat a stand.

You'll say a better Authority General has never sat a stand.
You'll say a better Authority General has never sat a stand.
You'll say a better Authority General has never sat a stand.

For my religious knowledge, though I'm slippery and visionary,
Has only been held down by the efforts of the 1st presidency;
But still, in matters ecclesiastical  and folklorical,
I am the very model of a modern Authority General.

But still, in matters ecclesiastical  and folklorical,
He is the very model of a modern Authority General.

Dear Brother Breedem: My, my, from your picture, you sure do breed'm young. For a young whipper snapper you are most creative. Just remember that the Lord expects a return of ten percent on any money your talents generate.

Censoring is in fact, is not only part of the gospel, it "is" the gospel. And if you don't believe this humble servant of the Lord, just ask Boyd K. Pariah about how to edit church history.

So...forget about a Road Show for your material...sell it to the Salt Lake Acting Company to use in their annual Saturday's Voyeur parody production. Don't hide your talent under a bushel.

Dear Bishop Bernie, As a Mormon and a Republican, I have a very strong testimony that the church is true, Joseph Smith was a prophet, and Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever. Ronald Reagan is such a great man that, in my opinion, his only fault is that he is not Mormon. I can change that, however, when he dies because my greatest aspiration is to be the first Mormon baptized for Ronald Reagan when he dies. Trouble is--he won't die. He just kind of lingers on, eating and pooping, but not accomplishing much in the way of mental activity. He's kind of dead, but kind of not.

My question is, do I have to wait until he's clinically deceased or can I slip into the temple and call it close enough? What do you think? Brother Al Zhimer

Dear Brother Zhimer: You must have missed the latest announcement from the First Presidency read over the pulpit at sacrament meeting? To expedite vicarious work for the comatose all the "youth in Asia" have been called on on especial missions to visit the sick and elderly around the world. Youth in Asia will administer electro-cariograms and unless there is a detectable burning in the bosom, the elderly persons name will be released for immediate temple work.

The Youth in Asia should be stopping by the Reagan's any day now, so I counsel you to proceed immediately to the nearest McTemple and "ordinance" the hell out of President Reagan. Just remember the "youth in Asia's" motto - WWJD - Why Would Jesus Drool.

I can't wait to see what happens when the "youth in Asia" hit the Church Office Building.

Dear Bishop Bernie: I had an embarassing experience when I went through the temple. Everything was going well until I got to this old, white-haired guy that blessed my genitals. To make a long story short, "little Heber" sprang to life and made a pup tent in my temple clothes. I tried to hide it but the old man gave little Heber a reassuring pat on his head and sent me on my way.

  A week later I went back to the temple. A different old man blessed my tackle the second time but the result was the same.  Now I go to the temple almost daily, I always get a stiffy and my package has easily been blessed more times than all the wieners of the Quorum of the Seventy combined.  I am the most Endowed man in my ward.

Am I weird or does everyone get a woody in the temple? Heber and little Heber

Dear Little Hebers: I used to be a temple worker so I'll ease your anxiety by letting you in on a well kept secret. To liven up those dreary endowment and initiatory temple sessions the drinking water was spiked with Viagra and Spanish Fly. Those five points of fellowship soon became the the "five boinks of feelership" through the veil.

As a rememdy for your "iron rod" problem, I counsel you to honor the first ancient apostle of the Lord and take a stiff dose of Salt Peter prior to your next temple experience, else you'll have your calling and erection made sure as the sign of the nail.

Dear Bishop Bernie, I attend BYU. I have kind of a personal problem that I am embarrased to reveal to anyone else. I get sexually aroused while looking at pictures of naked women. I maxed out my credit cards on internet porn trying to overcome this perversion. It didn't work. Recently after a singles dance at my ward, I came home and touched myself. I am just afraid that if I keep going at this pace, I am going to masturbate! I have purchased a wooden spoon just in case. Can you give me any advice on this? Should I go ahead and buy a box of Kleenex? Please respond quickly, it may already be too late!

Dear Brother Narley: First off, I must confess a conflict of interest to you. After being a bishop for a year, I realized that the demand for Kleenex in Utah was huge... so I bought a ton of Kleenex shares in the stock market.

So Brother Narly, let's make a deal just between us. If you will cut up your credit cards, , read the scriptures every day (Except for First Nephi's "holding to the rod" chapter.) and refrain from masturbation I will sell all my Kleenex stock and donate 10% of the profit to the church. This way both of us clean up our act and we can sleep at night. Or at least I will sleep at night because you'll have both your hands tied to bed posts to prevent any nocturnal nasties.

Dear Bishop Bernie, During a terrible accident involving a great white shark, I lost both arms. This unfortunately renders me incapable of performing the sacred tokens at the veil required of me to enter into the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. What am I going to do? Am I going to hell? I'm scared. Please help, Brother K. O. Rihor

Dear Brother Rihor: The Lord is pleased that you'd "give an arm and a leg" in order to see Him again in the Celestial Kingdom. You will have to wait in line at the veil in the hereafter behind the likes of the naughty Lamanites whose arms were smitten off by Ammon. These same arms were later presented to King Lamoni for spare parts due to all of smiting going on in the land Northward. And it came to pass that Ammon became known throughout all the land as a great peace and disarmament treaty negotiator. The armless Lamanites have since repented, have beccome white and delightsome and are awaiting their mansion in the teepee of the Lord.

At the veil you will be turned upside down by the veil workers so that you may display your tokens by the five points of dexterity of your legs. The sure sign of the ingrown toenail will be accepted. And remember my son, you priesthood appendage is still in tact so that you may multiple and replenish upon the the planet Kolob.

Oh, and brother Rihor, about all the money you save by not having to buy under arm deodorant? Could you donate that money saved to the ward missionary fund?

Bishop Boozem, I have been bad, while trying to support my nine wives and 46 kids I cannot afford to pay my tithings. Now everywhere I go people glare at me and my bishop is always on my case about me being thrown from the church. Is this a good indication that I should cut off food rations for a week and pay up, or should I ride it out. - Brother Poly G. Amie

Dear Brother Amie: Whew! With 46 kids you sure have been doing a lot of "riding" so maybe it's time to say "Whoa boy?" Even though you're in a tight spot do not use your two years supply of wheat and beans which I am sure you have faithfully stashed beneath the beds of your wives and in your bomb shelter. Save these rations for the big hike back to Missouri.

For quick cash you might consider selling a few of those "white and delightsome" infants of yours on the adoption black market and underground. The going price for baby boys is 25K and for baby girls 15K. Just selling four of your "last borns" would buy enough groceries to last at least a week with enough to spare to catch up on your tithes, offerings, humanitarian donations, missionary funds, perpetual education fund for Latin American returned missionaries and Boy Scout Sustaining Membership drive. And with all those kids, no one would even notice a few of the little squeelers were missing.

If this inspired plan fails and the windows of heaven slam shut due to your lack of faith, then try the lease a wife time share concubine priesthood program. This program is especially popular in Southern Utah where many young buck elders need some warm up practice for the real McCoy, or is that the real McConkie or the Briggy Breed'm. You just lease out a wife or two of yours for a week. Great for cash flow and grocery bill reduction.

Bishop, I am normally not prone to profanity, but I will repent later for this. You, my friend, are an utter jackass. You apparently were one of the fortunate souls to grow up in an LDS family, perhaps even under the covenent. I make that assumption only because your responses to trivial doctrinal queries, though largely irreverent and lacking in respect to GAs and sacred gospel priciples, seem to come from somewhat of a partially educated/researched background. If you are a convert from just a few years you must read a lot. However, when GAs approach the same subjects during conference, or in magazine articles, do you ever see them responding in a fashion even remotely similar to the approach you use? If you are thinking "yes" in your head, you obviously have a mental issue, or chemical imbalance. Regardless of the reason, I feel sorry for you.

I am most certain that a man of your caliber and crass is all ready in the process of working on a witty response inside of your head. Please know that I am not trying to sound antagonistic. I find it a shame, however, that many unfortunate youths might regard your "doctrine" to be that of the Lord's, simply because it is posted on the internet.

I would leave my email address, but you might be the type to post it on your site in order for your devoted followers to respond multiple times. Good luck with your life. I hope you change. - Greg

Dear Greg: As a common judge in Israel, I bless you for being an animal lover because calling a jackass "my friend", in your own words is true brotherly love at its best. Perhaps if you were more prone to the lesser degree sin of profanity you'd be even less prone to the hideous and heinous sin of onanism.

In fact Greg, you are excellent bishop material yourself with you having successfully discerned my BIC (born in the convent) heritage. My being born of a mother superior and an archbishop and then being adopted through LDS Family Services, pre-destined me to serve in my current capacity as bishop of the Morgville Ward.

And Greg, you are right, there is no trivial doctrine that escapes my power of discernment. The lack of respect for GA's, assuming that you mean God Awful or Great and Abominable is duly merited. If the GA's responded like me to doctrinal issues the church would be a helluva lot more fun and would grow faster than the Jehova's Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists combined.

My popularity at youth firesides rivals that of Gladys Knight and Thurl Bailey. Now with Deseret Book begging me to put my advice to the faithful in a book series, I know the Lord is pleased with my works.

Under the mantle of bishop with the Holy Ghost as my constant companion I am pleasantly surprised and amazed to discover that He actually is rather witty and quite the prankster. He actually giggles while burning the bosom of people who actually want to know about silly things like angels, golden plates, mummies, seer stones polygamy and prophecy. In fact, the Holy Ghost just whispered to me with His still small voice that Jesus would rather read the Latter Day Lampoon than listen to General Conference. So hopefully the youth will surf by here for the only true and living doctrine by the parody of the priesthood.

And good luck with your life Greg. I hope you never change because gullibility is becoming a scarce commodity in this age of reason, logic, science and common sense.

Dear Bishop: I am a "model member" of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, except for one thing. I smoke pot for my cancer.  Am I still temple worthy? - Sister Gladys Podsamoka

Dear Sister Podsamoka: Yes, you most certainly are a "model" member and those custom fit garments I special ordered for you from Beehive Clothing are fitting quite "nicely" I might add.

As your bishop, I have discerned by the spirit that you are "beyond a shadow of a doubt" a Word of Wisdom keeper in spite of your drinking a case of diet Coke, eating a pound of Godiva Chocolates daily and abusing your Prozac prescription. Being an obedient saint with cancer, you have earned the right to find pleasure to reduce the pain that you are suffering from.

Actually, my dear Gladys, you will be pleased to learn that Joseph Smith was familiar with the healing powers of marijuana. The current Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 has been altered by current church leaders. It should be titled "The Whiff of Wisdom" and was based on Joseph's experimenting with mind altering substances. He was always begging Emma for a "can ah' that and a can ah' this." This is how a "can ah' this" became translated into "cannabis."

Church historian, Elder Edward Decker also believes that the frequent use of cannabis by early Mormons explains how they stayed awake all night during those lively Kirtland Temple and Nauvoo Temple sessions and how such vivid narrations of Jesus and the ancient apostles and prophets appearing to them actually came to pass. Brother Decker also points out that the tokens of the priesthood originated from "tokes" of the priesthood as translated correctly from "Reefer-ed Egyptian".

So my dear sister any time that you would like a laying on of the hands and a priestcraft blessing just call me. In the mean time may I suggest that you lace your cannabis with consecrated olive oil for a smoother effect as you "High Your Way To Kolob."

Dear Bishop Bernie....I just read where Dr. Dean Edell said the following, "There are a couple of conditions for which a physician might prescribe sex. It's not as crazy as it sounds because we don't really know the relationship of prostate enlargement to sexual activity". He was replying to a question on masturbation therapy being prescribed for an enlarged prostate.

Dr. Edell goes on to say, "There still exists this idea that a lack of sexual activity might relate to even prostate cancer or even an enlarged prostate..." Does this mean that single Mormon men all have enlarged prostates...or that they lie about whether they masturbate? Prostatehoodwinker.

Dear Sister Prostatehoodwinker: In this case your female intuition jives exactly with my holy spirit of discerment. In fact, scientific studies of single Mormon Elders reveal them to have the smallest and healthiest prostates among men of all races in the same age group. (Elder Hartman Rectum, Jr - General Priesthood Meeting, Oct 1985)

This confirms the wise old dictum amongst seasoned bishops in the church. "How can you tell when a single male Elder is lying during his temple recommend interview? When his lips move."

Dear Bishop Boozem: I have not seen my home teachers for six months now. I am desperately lonely. How come they avoid me? What gives? - Sister Blister

Dear Sister Blister: I'm sorry Sister Blister, but this problem is all your fault and it relates to your temple attendance. You are too faithul. You attend the temple once a week and make it a point to take in a session or two the evening of the last day of the month after work.

Everyone knows that most home teachers visit all six to ten of their assigned families the evening of the last day of the month. It just takes that long for the quilt to build up sufficiently to spur them into action. So next month just attend the temple the day before the last day of the month and then plan on a "quickie" from the home teachers the following evening around 11:30 p.m.

Dear Bishop Boozem: How come you always fall asleep on the stand during Fast and Testimony Meeting? What is it that you are not getting enough of or getting too much of? - Deacon Dilbert

Dear Deacon Dilbert: Well, in all humility and in being the richest member of the ward I am super busy with my business career and church meetings. I work 60-70 hours a week, plus about 20-25 hours for the church. And I squeeze a few moments in with my wife and 11 children.

So actually I enjoy a good snooze during Fast and Testimony meeting because if you've heard one testimony, you've heard them all. It's especially relaxing for me when the parents march their' little kids up to bear their little testimonies. That puts me right into the REM phase of my deep sleep cycle. I awake refreshed and ready to tackle the challenges and perplexities of the Gospel Doctrine class in Sunday School.

With eleven kids and my wife on Prozac and Valium, I better cut down on my sexual activity. I swear that someone, probably you deacons, spike the sacrement with Viagra. You little sons of Lucifer, you.

Bishop Boozem: I heard that only brethren who have beheld Jesus in person are ordained Bishops. Have you seen Jesus? And what's he like in person? - Brother Dow T. Thomas

Dear Brother Thomas: Please keep this response just between us because I don't want the Brethren to know that I know more than they do about Jesus. Yes, Jesus and I have a close personal relationship which developed rapidly after the death of Bruce R McConkie in the 1980's. Jesus told me that he felt much safer in personally visiting the Saints after Bruce R. departed for Kolob.

Much to my surprise Jesus actually looks very similar to those tacky poster prints of Him for sale at Deseret Book and the Distribution Center, except he just shaved his beard as a show of support for Gordon Hinckley's new hairless policy. Jesus can really belly laugh and loves to humour the Brethren as they run the Church like they are playing a grand game of Monopoly.

As far as all bishops seeing Jesus, they all see a little bit of Jesus in each one of the members of their wards. If they care enough and look close enough.

Bishop Boozem: Is that you in the background stalking Sister Goodytiptoes? If so, would you please consider coming to work for me and LDS Church security's "Strengthening the Members Committee?" You just seem like such a natural sneaky peeky. - Buddy Boyd

Dear Buddy Boyd: Why, yes that is me in that photo taking the challenge of President Kimball to "lengthen my stride." Stalking is fine way to stretch myself and get some exercise. I've always had fantasies of becoming Orrin Porter Rockwell and running with the Danites. So, yes, I'd love to join your Strengrthening the Members Committe Possee. Let me go under cover on the "Nice Squad."

Dear Bishop Bernie: I have felt guilty many years about something and I need to confess. One time when I was at the temple I started daydreaming. I just was not concentrating for some reason. I don't think it was because of thinking about naked Adam this time. Anyway, when I was bowing my head, I didn't say "yes" and also when making one of the covenants for Joann Johnson (who is dead) I didn't say her name when it was required. Does this mean Joann can't get into the Celestial Kingdom because I didn't do the proxy right? I feel bad, and I don't know how to fix this. Dagny

Dear Sister Dagny: Yes, you have committed a grievious sin indeed, but there is hope for redemption. Lusting after Adam is forgiveable, but not the lapse with poor Joann Johnson's name. Here is how to fix this dire situation.

Go immediately to the temple and instead of picking up a new name slip from the temple worker in the dressing room, sneak past them without one. Get a new name for Joann Johnson and proceed through the endowment and think only of her name during the tokens and covenants.

This will immediately free Joann Johnson from the purgatory that you placed her in. And besides, she'll now have two new names to pick from in eternity. She'd probably rather ditch the name Blanche for the much prettier one, Bianca.

Comments Section

I ran across this site looking for what a ward historian is supposed to do. THis is extremely blasphemous. Extremely. You're taking sacred temple ordinances and turning them into something crude. I hope you don't claim to be or think you're ok in doing this as a member of the church. You're obviously apostate or on your way there. Unbelievable. Its not even slightly funny and I'm not a prude. THIS IS SICK AND VERY VERY WRONG. - 04/21/2004 - Happy Valley First Ward

I bet you are not even a bishop, you are really stupid. - 05/02/2003 - anon

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